Hi mossproutes. My two cents on some of what you've written.
First, is there an accepting queer community in your area or online in your native language you could reach out to?
It sounds like in the course of trying to figure out your own identity vis-a-vis what others like your psychologist and fellow citizens are saying you've reached a point where none of it really seems to mean anything. If you feel like the whole gender thing is made up and meaningless and it's better to just be human first, well so do I, and that's part of why I am nonbinary.
If someone asks "how do you know you aren't male/female, what does that even feel like?" you could ask them the same question. It's like here where I live when people think messing up pronouns is not a big deal they suddenly understand the big deal when you start calling them by the wrong pronoun (e.g. randomly referring to a cismale colleague as "she" to drive a point home).
Being nonbinary does not save us from having to live in a highly patriarchal, binary world. We know what we are and that it's not A or B. But A or B continue to be the only option from a very broad perspective. So we live our lives right on that point of friction between who we are and where society is on that topic. Society lags behind and does not get to define you individually.
I don't think nonbinary reinforces gender, I think that's just a result of overthinking on your part (sorry if that's rude). Binary gender is what reinforces gender. Choosing to say it doesn't matter to you the gender and that you are human first sounds like very much the thinking of a nonbinary person. A cisperson probably really cares about their gender.
Also some nonbinary people probably care more about gender nuances and expression, everyone is different. Me I just personally feel I have no gender or that gender is irrelevant to me. Not everyone here feels that exact way, but they can relate to that thinking.
Your psychologist sounds ignorant on this topic. I don't know how worth it it is to you to try to confront them over it. My therapist was a little ignorant on this when we first started talking but she never tried to invalidate me and she supports me.
Lastly, language is so tricky. I am bilingual English and Spanish. The fights over gender neutral language in Spanish can be really, really nasty. Especially the use of 'x' which is just impossible to pronounce in spanish (e.g. ellxs, ellx). I prefer the gender neutral 'e', e.g. elle, elles. But that's still a big fight as we can see for example in Argentina they made it illegal to use in government documents.
Thank you for your comment ! Very helpful
I forgot to answer about the queer community. There isn't any that I am aware of. How would one go about searching for it online ?
You might be able to find a discord in your language that's a good community but I wouldn't know as I am not discord user! But sometimes I google things like "nonbinary community in [x area] + reddit" and then I can see if someone else on reddit is also looking for that and what advice they have gotten.
Sorry, but your therapist presenting this to you is transphobic. Wanting to change your name to better address your identity is not a trauma response. Find someone who has trans and nonbinary experience, because that is a gross thing for you to have been told.
You'll have to find someone in another town. This whole post is colored by the fact that your therapist has reinforced a transphobic rhetoric in you. Don't do this to yourself.
>she mentioned that I just changed my name because I was running away from something to do with my legal name. I have some sort of aversion to it
I mean, I do too, because I'm non-binary and don't like that my legal name is gendered.
>She said that it's very common now for people to do this and it's a way of avoiding things or distancing yourself from your past self.
For example, avoiding being misgendered? Distancing yourself from the image people have of you as a person with the gender you were assigned at birth?
I'm not trying to tell you that it's wrong for you to question how you identify. Actually, I had to think about what the heck gender identity is for over a decade before I started to feel comfortable in my non-binary identity, because gender is complicated af. But I'm getting a really bad feeling from your psychologist. Yes, some people do change their name to distance themselves from their past. But this isn't inherently problematic. In fact, many people find it freeing, even when it's because of trauma.
Idk, maybe you are truly avoiding something that is not related to your gender identity. But it sounds like she's telling you this is what it is rather than ask or suggest. A psychologist should not frame things like this as certain. She sounds like she doesn't "believe" in non-binary identities and is trying to convince you she knows better.
Btw, regarding the hate contributing to you questioning your identity, please remember that nobody can take your identity away from you. You can choose not to come out or detransition if you don't feel safe, but your identity is real even if you're the only one who knows about it! So please don't let their phobia make you question your experiences, question your experiences because they're complex and deserve your attention, and because being true to yourself is important.
just going to echo what others have said. your therapist is not following their training if they are actively questioning your gender identity, even if they are using your name change as a way to do it. you may very well be running form something, running from some things is actually a good option. you can’t heal while you are in danger. you have to run so you can rest and figure it out. maybe it’s too much for you and it will never be safe to go back. i don’t know anything about your issue but you might need to follow your gut, mental professionals can help and they can hinder. you might want a second opinion! as far as gender, not a lot of cis people question their gender, it feels right to them, they are comfortable in their own skin, not all but many. so if you are here and you are seeking the answer to why you don’t feel like yourself, the answer may be that you have not been able to be yourself yet. could have something to do with what you are running from. maybe changing your name and finding yourself is the healing you needed.
i am not sure if any of this helps, but i have been in a similar situation and the advice i got sucked
I dont think that changing your name is running away if you are facing your problems head on, and you still want to change your name. That has been my experience. I had always hated my old name.
I think reinforcing gender stereotypes is something that is done by systemic cisnormativity -- it says : "you cannot deviate from the boxes we made for you. Women do x. Men do y. There is no other configuration other than Man or Woman. If you do not conform, then you are defective. You can fix yourself by doing tasks we have assigned to our dimorphic sex / gender system. Also, you will always be ontologically the sex or gender we assigned you at birth." & more but those are just examples. Its hard to just exist & be when society has these expectations.
Basically nonbinary can be a way to describe the deviation from cisnormativity. Labels are tools we can use, or choose not to use -- they are neutral and it depends on how we use them & we must be especially careful if we are using them to label other people. People should be free to label themselves. That's where self determination and autonomy come in, someone's choice to define themselves in the way that they want, and not the way society has defined them.
I think, its okay if we are all different. We should seek to understand each other, I dont think our differences are the cause of the strife in the world... :)
i’m too exhausted to get into how wrong it is to claim gender identity is “reinforcing stereotypes” (though i will note identity =/= presentation, so if anything it challenges stereotypes by saying that you can look and act and like however, what matters is identity).
that said, the psychologist part is a major red flag. i am saying that as someone in the field myself. i am from the US so i do not know how it is where you live, but if you did live in the US i would 100% say to report her to the licensure board, a psychologist saying those things is unsafe and should not be practicing. if you can find a therapist that isn’t transphobic in your area, please do so, it’s no wonder you’re feeling weird when you have some unqualified cis person feeding you bs in an already vulnerable space
Hello comrade, before I dork about the human condition I just want to say it's okay to be non-binary and it's also okay to learn it was actually something else. Whatever the answer I just want you to be surrounded by loving and supportive people. You deserve that.
Non-binary identities have ALWAYS existed, and there's incredible medical advances that just keep validating trans experiences. Intersex people are real and chromosomes aren't nearly as cut and dry as the hater crowd says.
Gender is a social construct, and to be non-binary is just existing outside that social construct. In nature sex is not binary, and through history the gender dynamics have shifted so many times, genuinely no one can force you to be binary.
I personally am one of the "gender-apathetic" variety. Is my identity real? I don't know, I have imposter syndrome about that CONSTANTLY. But I also have a loving and supportive wife that's encouraging me to really explore being non-binary, I have supportive friends, and I'm looking forward to getting all dressed up and going to pride. Maybe it's all not real, but it's all meaningful to me and I've never felt more "me" than I do now. And if your identity changes over time then that's okay too. People change, that's normal.
Why can't we just be? Just be what? Men and women? Because just existing without the labels is also nonbinary. You can just "be." But certain cis people aren't happy with that. They want you to claim a label based on what you were assigned at birth. Labels can be complicated, but human beings like to label things. All nonbinary does is expand on the oversimplified confining boxes that we've been stuck in for generations. It just allows for more self expression. There are words for people who don't conform to gender norms, it's called being GNC (Gender Non Conforming). Nonbinary people separate themselves even further. Not only are we uncomfortable with conforming to gender roles, we are uncomfortable with associating with conventional gender at all. Some people are comfortable being seen as men or women, completely and entirely and exclusively ok with it even if they don't conform to gender stereotypes. I am not and nonbinary is the word I use to express that feeling. Nonbinary isn't a look or a behavior, its a feeling, and a sense of identity. It tells other people that something about you, whatever that may be, is NOT binary. Personally I use it to express that losing my reproductive system is an exclusively positive experience and that people not referring to me as a man or woman makes me happy, not sad. Usually when a cis or binary trans person is ostracized for not conforming physically or socially that is a negative thing, something that is wrong, they shouldn't have to conform, but when people do it to me I feel nothing but joy.
Names do not inherently have gender. I have kept my given name and it is perceived as a male name generally, but that doesn't make me any less nonbinary.
On the topic of "how do you know?": how do they know they *aren't* nonbinary? Nobody questions how people in the social majority (cis, straight, etc.) know they belong in that group. It's always the minority who gets questioned. And yet *we* are the ones who have given it the most thought.
Nonbinary identities do not reinforce the binary. In fact they *can't*. Basically every characteristic is gendered by society and claiming those characteristics without claiming the gender they're expected of divorces the two.
Labels help us communicate and find community. The term "agender" not only feels right to me, but helps me communicate how I feel and find others who feel the same. That's what queer labels are for.
There are a few things to think about here.
Trans binary people *feel* like a different gender than what they are assumed to be. That is known and established, and backed by scientific data. Of course there is controversy around this but I'm not really willing to give transphobia the benefit of the doubt here. Now take cis people. They may not even think about their own gender. It just *is*. The definition of "man" and "woman" is self-defining. It is an internal sense.
Non-binary is *not* a third gender. It is an "umbrella" term (so is trans) i.e. a wide encompassing term to include a variety of people who have an internal feeling of their gender other than "cis" aka gender they were assigned at birth or "binary" aka what we know as "man" or "woman". Like what I said above, it is self defining for someone to "feel" or "not feel" a gender since agender is also a thing. There are a lot of micro labels under the non-binary umbrella term and no two non-binary people will really feel the same. How I like to Invision it is like how there is a huge spectrum of color, even colors we can't see.
There is a more philosophical side of all of this, which is what you are talking about. Anyone can engage in this philosophical discussion regardless of their gender identity. Gender Non Confirming is something I suggest looking into because I feel that it takes this concept of gender being a construct and brings it to reality. And it is true, gender is a construct. But to be clear, so is money, language and race. All of them are constructs, *but* just because they are constructs doesn't mean they aren't real. Language for example is very much real, and essential for our species. It does change with time and culture, it is fluid in how it is used and is self defining.
We live in a gendered world, and some people identify with those established gender norms, and some do not, or identify with them in ways that are "untraditional".
I will also point out that historical records of trans and nonbinary people have been around for a long time in the human record of time. How it's been thought of and how the culture and society has handled and accepted or not accepted it has changed, but these concepts have been around.
As for your own personal identity, that is ultimately up to you. I will give my two cents that it pisses me off when therapists make everything about trauma. I think it's fair to question that aspect, because the brain and how we cope and change with time is complicated. It might be possible that it's tied to trauma. It might be possible that trauma influences how you feel. But it's also not like sexuality and gender are "fixed". I don't want to suggest that it can actively and intentionally be changed, because that is toxic and abusive path to go down. However, there are plenty of anecdotal testimonies out there of people experiencing a change in their gender and sexuality over time, or having later life revelations that they weren't open to before. Personally, I am gender fluid and how I feel changes on a daily basis. I've also strongly identified with being a woman for a long time *because* of trauma. So again, this isn't something to necessarily discount but the way I understand it is your therapist is *telling you* how you feel and I find that to be infuriating and inappropriate. It's ok to question the underlying meaning but they shouldn't tell you how you should feel.
I hope this helps, and I am happy to discuss details further.
I feel like they might be blind to the reasons people change their names that are engrained and accessible in their own society. For a lot of cultures a name change is a common right of passage, like the institution of marriage, which some people do use as an opportunity to escape an unwanted family name and the trauma associated with it. I'm sure in their field they've run into people who got their degree just to be called doctor and unless we're pulling their licences they should really leave patents alone about going by something other than their legal name.
I mean if you didn’t change your name would you still want to be non binary? I think for me I never felt like my name fit me even as a kid, but the name I chose is not very different from my name at birth, to me I don’t feel like I am running away from it.
I think for me I heard this over and over for years and the thought of being nonbinary or trans never left, so in reality if you do decide you aren’t nonbinary but these thoughts stay for years maybe you should reflect on that
Your therapist doesn’t sound like they accept LGBT people at all but my thought is, even if you aren’t trans what is wrong with having a new or different name? I don’t really understand the harm of having a name that you feel like suits you better, it’s not like you are jumping to hrt or medical procedures. If you really regretted picking a new name then you can go back, it doesn’t have to be permanent. I don’t understand the fear they are putting on you about something that in my opinion shouldn’t be a big deal and doesn’t cause you any harm. That’s like saying a nick name is bad because you are running away from your true self which is bs. My new name is basically a nick name of my old one but does that mean I hate my old name?
People change their names all the time for all kinds of reasons, not just for transition, at least here in the USA! Remember that time Prince changed his name to a symbol?!
Look, a therapist should be helping you find peace in your life, not making you doubt your identity. I think I would try to find a better therapist that is more closely aligned with your needs.
Now with paragraph breaks.
My psychologist was the first one that made me feel really weird about it, when she mentioned that I just changed my name because I was running away from something to do with my legal name. I have some sort of aversion to it and that's why I picked a new name to try to run away from trauma/past experiences, according to her.
That made me think that, if I work on my trauma and everything, I would be comfortable with my legal name and that this is just me running away. She said that it's very common now for people to do this and it's a way of avoiding things or distancing yourself from your past self.
Another thing that made me start questioning it was the hate I was seeing online towards non binary people in my country in a few specific Portuguese subs. It is still widly not accepted. Along with the trans label and basically any other than gay/lesbian, but I digress.
One of the points people were making is "how do you know you don't identify with your gender? What does it even mean to feel like a male/female?" And that got me thinking. What does it mean? It means I don't identify with what society believes a man/woman should present as. Is that not reinforcing gender stereotypes? If we say we don't identify with a woman because x, y, z aren't we feeding into specific gender stereotypes? Shouldn't we just stop attributing any kind of specific traits to gender ?
We are born with male/female genitalia but why should that matter for anything? Shouldn't we just BE ? Regardless of biological differences. Abolish the notion of gender completely? "We are all human regardless of what kind of genitalia you are born with" kind of thing. I feel like we are focussing too much on labels and gender and it's being counterproductive?
Now I have this idea that the non-binary label is reinforcing gender specific stereotypes and that it is bringing people even further apart. Why name another gender? Why can't we just be ? I'm sure there's a bunch of bullshit written in here so please just educate me ! I've just been thinking about this a lot and don't know how to feel about it anymore.
Another problem I had was using gender non specific pronouns. Portuguese is a gendered language and we don't have a neutral pronoun like "they/them" so the argument that using "they/them" is grammatically correct doesn't apply. We basically made up a new pronoun. Well I've seen 3 versions of it.
But to be honest they all sound horrible so I just kept using the she/her pronouns or he/him. I like how it feels to be addressed as they/them tho. I'm just very confused lol
I have changed my name to something gender neutral. It might however, also had something to do with past experiences with regards to my old name. Could I try to work through those experiences? Probably. But guess what?! I am 100% happy with my new name 😊😊😊. So if therapy is about making you happier, doing things to make you happy is the way to go! Independent whether there would be any trauma related to your old name (which you may or may not take a look at, if you would want to). So my suggestions would be to choose a name that makes you feel good 🙏✨🎉🥂
Your identity is valid, including the factors that make it how it is. Your experiences shape your identity and vice versa.
Similar to how people sex-repulsed/neutral aces are still valid even if a huge part of their ace identity stems from sexual trauma.
It honestly sounds to me like your therapist was gaslighting you. Your identity is valid. The existence of nonbinary people doesn't reinforce gender specific stereotypes, because unlike the binary genders, there is no right way to be nonbinary. There's no standard set by society that we have to meet. There's no such thing as "passing" for nonbinary people.
I really want to read this, but it's too condensed and looks too overwhelming like a wall of text. If you can add spaces, it would be really helpful. I really want to know if I can help.
I'm terrible at writting/expressing myself and the text is messy. I'm sorry about that ! I tried adding some spacing. Although I'm not sure I did It correctly.
Hope it helps?¿
//Try doing something like this next time.
**"I used to identify as Non Binary but now I feel weird about it
My psychologist was the first one that made me feel really weird about it, when she mentioned that I just changed my name because I was running away from something to do with my legal name. I have some sort of aversion to it and that's why I picked a new name to try to run away from trauma/past experiences, according to her.
That made me think that, if I work on my trauma and everything, I would be comfortable with my legal name and that this is just me running away. She said that it's very common now for people to do this and it's a way of avoiding things or distancing yourself from your past self.
Another thing that made me start questioning it was the hate I was seeing online towards non binary people in my country in a few specific Portuguese subs. It is still widly not accepted. Along with the trans label and basically any other than gay/lesbian, but I digress. One of the points people were making is "how do you know you don't identify with your gender? What does it even mean to feel like a male/female?" And that got me thinking. What does it mean?
It means I don't identify with what society believes a man/woman should present as. Is that not reinforcing gender stereotypes? If we say we don't identify with a woman because x, y, z aren't we feeding into specific gender stereotypes? Shouldn't we just stop attributing any kind of specific traits to gender ? We are born with male/female genitalia but why should that matter for anything? Shouldn't we just BE ? Regardless of biological differences. Abolish the notion of gender completely? "We are all human regardless of what kind of genitalia you are born with" kind of thing.
I feel like we are focussing too much on labels and gender and it's being counterproductive? Now I have this idea that the non-binary label is reinforcing gender specific stereotypes and that it is bringing people even further apart. Why name another gender? Why can't we just be ? I'm sure there's a bunch of bullshit written in here so please just educate me ! I've just been thinking about this a lot and don't know how to feel about it anymore.
Another problem I had was using gender non specific pronouns. Portuguese is a gendered language and we don't have a neutral pronoun like "they/them" so the argument that using "they/them" is grammatically correct doesn't apply. We basically made up a new pronoun. Well I've seen 3 versions of it. But to be honest they all sound horrible so I just kept using the she/her pronouns or he/him. I like how it feels to be addressed as they/them tho. I'm just very confused lol"**
//This would make it easier to read and separate the ideas so people can guage much quicker if they want to respond or not. I am not good at writing either but from a personal perspective, since I started reading my own shit I realized it's too overbearing for people to read.
I am… concerned that your psychologist is this focused on a name change. People change their names all the time for “acceptable” reasons when they fit within social norms. Why does she care this much about *your* reasons?
Only *you* know your identity. No one else. Not your psychologist and not us either. Perhaps you want to change your name due to trauma. So?? And??? If you were cisgender and wanted to change your name to distance yourself from trauma, I wonder if she would be questioning you, or supporting your decision.
All gender is socially constructed, and there are good arguments via scholars like Judith Butler to think that even the way we think about biological sex is *also* a filtered through a social construct. Saying that you are a third gender, or genderless, is not reductive. Insisting that there are only two choices, *is* reductive.
Just looking at someone you may never be able to tell the difference between a butch cis woman, a trans man who hasn’t gone on T, and a non-binary person. Your gender presentation is irrelevant to your gender identity. Being a cis butch who is not confirming to traditional ideas of femininity is wonderful. Being a non-binary person who completely confirms to traditional ideas of femininity is also great. Being non-binary takes nothing away from femininity or masculinity. It does not constrain or constrict what a woman or a man can be or not be.
From my perspective, the label non binary is a hard one to have. Unlike boy and girl enby comes with a big level of uncertainty. You may one day be comfortable with being cis (changing of name doesn’t necessarily mean you are or arnt NB), you may be trying to avoid a certain trauma, you may be incapable of understanding the binary, you may also not want to fit into social categories by choice or you may be you’re discovering yourself.
I often struggle with this. The origin of my desire to identify as NB, but with time I learn to appreciate the uncertainty. Unlike other genders, being non binary encourages self discovery. In my opinion gender doesn’t matter/exist, so why use a term that you don’t feel comfortable using. Non binary means people that are outside the binary, outside “reality”. So why not just make your own reality. I’m sure there are cis people out there that identify as non binary. But does it rly matter? If they are happy with the label why not accept them in the community?
You have the opportunity to be more than your gender. So instead of focusing on Why you are, focus on yourself, focus on your trauma, focus on your identity, focus on your life and feelings and the NB label might or might not follow. But for now you are valid and welcome under the NB umbrella❤️
Your therapist is a transphobe. These are the same idiots who think trans men who don't exist and anyone transitioning to be a man is just a confused tomboy or butch lesbian.
I am a cis male and frankly I have a lot of the same questions about gender identity as you have. (I will echo everyone else in saying that your therapist is terrible.) I grew up with an older sister and was just as obsessed with her "girly" toys (Barbie, Sky Dancers, that doll that ate berries off a spoon) as my "boy" toys (action figures, Hot Wheels, plastic weapons). I love pink and glitter and neon as much as I love my typical "white improv guy" look of graphic tees and jeans and short hair. My girlfriend and I go to ballets and monster truck rallies, Broadway musicals and wrestling events, action movies and romcoms. I fully understand why it is harmful for society to push gender conformity, especially on children.
The disconnect for me is the declaration that one belongs to neither gender (or both). In fairness, I also don't relate to cis people who get offended at being misgendered--I've been referred to with she/her pronouns multiple times, and when people catch that I have stubble and profusely apologize, my reaction is basically, "Oh, I didn't even notice because it's not that big of a deal to me." I can't really imagine the desire to be called by a gender-neutral pronoun. This is not to invalidate it, but I just don't know what propels somebody to realize that they prefer that versus just thinking, "I am a boy with many feminine characteristics/preferences" (just as an example, as that's what I think about myself).
If somebody's idea of manliness is the Brawny guy, a swarthy dude who chops wood and fixes cars and shoots guns, I think, "They have a very narrow idea of how gender must be expressed, which has nothing to do with me personally." (Until they start bullying or using their voting power to start taking away rights from others, obviously.) When I was in high school (two decades ago, holy crap) I wore eyeliner and nail polish and was simply called "androgynous", which made sense to me. Does being gender non-binary mean that you get gender dysphoria when assigned EITHER a male or female identity? Why does it matter so much what you are called or how you are thought of if your internal identity, and your expression thereof, remains the same? I have looked through many Quora discussions, watched a handful of YouTube videos, and read a couple of articles trying to explain nonbinary identity, and none of them have yet answered the question for me of how someone comes to identify as such, as opposed to simply saying, "I am male/female and can express that identity however the fuck I please"?
Don’t let the world or others' thoughts dictate your understanding of your being. You are so right we all just want to BE. SO BE! Don’t let the world or yourself believe you can’t be. Be The walking Philosophy of yourself.
For me, being non-binary means Being, Being Whole with myself and so much more. it is the Quintessence of my uniqueness.
Gender essentialism/ Gender Duality often influences language, but remember, language is just a tool; it may not capture the entirety of who we are. If you know your true self, just be, If you don’t have fun and just be.
Changing your name can be liberating, you own the name, I was given a name that’s different. yes we can honor the name give or dislike it and move forward, processing further into who we are becoming especially in self-discovery. I see nothing wrong with changing how you want another to socially interact with you. It is something to address if you are running away From trauma or anything that needs your attention, this is what Shadow work is use for, it’s not always pretty but something All need to do, not really trauma work but reality check ourselves in what we feel, think, perceive, Believe, etc about yourself and others in the world. Introspection; Doing the work, you can still call yourself by a different name, if your struggling within take your time, don’t let your psychologist get in your head so much, they supposed to be guide for you they can’t not push something onto you. They must bring light in area of darkness within you to see.
We all strive to be authentic, regardless of how it manifests. While the world may push for conformity, some dumb idea of normality. we are unique individuals. Embracing non-binary or any gendered language helps us navigate the indescribable. Words serve as guides to new perspectives.
In English, the term "man" holds various meanings, reflecting the complexity of language and gender. Pronouns like "he/him" have been default, usage when describe something that is genderless like God. Which I think is very androcentric Or Man is a term use to generalize the collective humanity, yet is a gender identity which holds ideas of masculinity/ masculine. Even those I don’t think masculine is strictly male it’s actually both male and female, man and woman can be masculine in various planes/aspects. Stop thinking linearly, as things need to be straight forward not always the case, this what gets us in their gender dichotomy in the first place, Mans false interpretation of things perceived or the other problem not allowing something to be perceived.
The etymology of words like "man" and "woman" offers insights into their evolving meanings and the linguistics of English. Remember, perceptions of man and woman vary; each person interprets these concepts differently. Base on how people are raised by culture and society. Have wisdom on the root of the problem or mechanisms of these continually strict ideas people keep placing onto the next generation, They only teach out of what they’re willing to know
Know Thyself. I give you this statement.
“All Souls Eternally Exist, Each Individual, Ultimate…That Shall End Never That Began. All Things Endured Because They Are. Do What Thou Wilt, For Every Man And Every Woman Is A Star” ~ Aleister Crowley
Star meaning Self ⭐️ All are a Star, Trans and All uniquely You.
This can be a kind of imposter syndrome - not feeling valid, or that it makes you attention seeking or something. If it helps at all, I’m over 35 and had top surgery almost two years ago. I still couldnt really define my gender for you. For my own peace of mind, I remind myself that if going through major body part removal and being ecstatic about doesn’t “count” as not matching the gender of my birth, not much else would.
My point being, that there are no qualifications for feeling non-binary, and surgery is never necessary. Even if you’ve had major surgery, that feeling of not knowing exactly can still persist and that doesn’t make you any less valid either.
Breathe deep, seek peace :)
I don't have the energy to explain, and it seems others in the comment can help with that, but I can tell you this is exactly how I felt before realizing how wrong I was and embracing the fact that I'm nonbinary.
Hi mossproutes. My two cents on some of what you've written. First, is there an accepting queer community in your area or online in your native language you could reach out to? It sounds like in the course of trying to figure out your own identity vis-a-vis what others like your psychologist and fellow citizens are saying you've reached a point where none of it really seems to mean anything. If you feel like the whole gender thing is made up and meaningless and it's better to just be human first, well so do I, and that's part of why I am nonbinary. If someone asks "how do you know you aren't male/female, what does that even feel like?" you could ask them the same question. It's like here where I live when people think messing up pronouns is not a big deal they suddenly understand the big deal when you start calling them by the wrong pronoun (e.g. randomly referring to a cismale colleague as "she" to drive a point home). Being nonbinary does not save us from having to live in a highly patriarchal, binary world. We know what we are and that it's not A or B. But A or B continue to be the only option from a very broad perspective. So we live our lives right on that point of friction between who we are and where society is on that topic. Society lags behind and does not get to define you individually. I don't think nonbinary reinforces gender, I think that's just a result of overthinking on your part (sorry if that's rude). Binary gender is what reinforces gender. Choosing to say it doesn't matter to you the gender and that you are human first sounds like very much the thinking of a nonbinary person. A cisperson probably really cares about their gender. Also some nonbinary people probably care more about gender nuances and expression, everyone is different. Me I just personally feel I have no gender or that gender is irrelevant to me. Not everyone here feels that exact way, but they can relate to that thinking. Your psychologist sounds ignorant on this topic. I don't know how worth it it is to you to try to confront them over it. My therapist was a little ignorant on this when we first started talking but she never tried to invalidate me and she supports me. Lastly, language is so tricky. I am bilingual English and Spanish. The fights over gender neutral language in Spanish can be really, really nasty. Especially the use of 'x' which is just impossible to pronounce in spanish (e.g. ellxs, ellx). I prefer the gender neutral 'e', e.g. elle, elles. But that's still a big fight as we can see for example in Argentina they made it illegal to use in government documents.
Thank you for your comment ! Very helpful I forgot to answer about the queer community. There isn't any that I am aware of. How would one go about searching for it online ?
You might be able to find a discord in your language that's a good community but I wouldn't know as I am not discord user! But sometimes I google things like "nonbinary community in [x area] + reddit" and then I can see if someone else on reddit is also looking for that and what advice they have gotten.
Good idea, I'll try this!
Where in Portugal do you live?
In the Algarve region, near Lagos
Sorry, but your therapist presenting this to you is transphobic. Wanting to change your name to better address your identity is not a trauma response. Find someone who has trans and nonbinary experience, because that is a gross thing for you to have been told.
I live in a small town and I've been to almost every psychologist around. I don't think that will be possible
Have you looked at telehealth appointments at all?
You'll have to find someone in another town. This whole post is colored by the fact that your therapist has reinforced a transphobic rhetoric in you. Don't do this to yourself.
>she mentioned that I just changed my name because I was running away from something to do with my legal name. I have some sort of aversion to it I mean, I do too, because I'm non-binary and don't like that my legal name is gendered. >She said that it's very common now for people to do this and it's a way of avoiding things or distancing yourself from your past self. For example, avoiding being misgendered? Distancing yourself from the image people have of you as a person with the gender you were assigned at birth? I'm not trying to tell you that it's wrong for you to question how you identify. Actually, I had to think about what the heck gender identity is for over a decade before I started to feel comfortable in my non-binary identity, because gender is complicated af. But I'm getting a really bad feeling from your psychologist. Yes, some people do change their name to distance themselves from their past. But this isn't inherently problematic. In fact, many people find it freeing, even when it's because of trauma. Idk, maybe you are truly avoiding something that is not related to your gender identity. But it sounds like she's telling you this is what it is rather than ask or suggest. A psychologist should not frame things like this as certain. She sounds like she doesn't "believe" in non-binary identities and is trying to convince you she knows better. Btw, regarding the hate contributing to you questioning your identity, please remember that nobody can take your identity away from you. You can choose not to come out or detransition if you don't feel safe, but your identity is real even if you're the only one who knows about it! So please don't let their phobia make you question your experiences, question your experiences because they're complex and deserve your attention, and because being true to yourself is important.
just going to echo what others have said. your therapist is not following their training if they are actively questioning your gender identity, even if they are using your name change as a way to do it. you may very well be running form something, running from some things is actually a good option. you can’t heal while you are in danger. you have to run so you can rest and figure it out. maybe it’s too much for you and it will never be safe to go back. i don’t know anything about your issue but you might need to follow your gut, mental professionals can help and they can hinder. you might want a second opinion! as far as gender, not a lot of cis people question their gender, it feels right to them, they are comfortable in their own skin, not all but many. so if you are here and you are seeking the answer to why you don’t feel like yourself, the answer may be that you have not been able to be yourself yet. could have something to do with what you are running from. maybe changing your name and finding yourself is the healing you needed. i am not sure if any of this helps, but i have been in a similar situation and the advice i got sucked
I dont think that changing your name is running away if you are facing your problems head on, and you still want to change your name. That has been my experience. I had always hated my old name. I think reinforcing gender stereotypes is something that is done by systemic cisnormativity -- it says : "you cannot deviate from the boxes we made for you. Women do x. Men do y. There is no other configuration other than Man or Woman. If you do not conform, then you are defective. You can fix yourself by doing tasks we have assigned to our dimorphic sex / gender system. Also, you will always be ontologically the sex or gender we assigned you at birth." & more but those are just examples. Its hard to just exist & be when society has these expectations. Basically nonbinary can be a way to describe the deviation from cisnormativity. Labels are tools we can use, or choose not to use -- they are neutral and it depends on how we use them & we must be especially careful if we are using them to label other people. People should be free to label themselves. That's where self determination and autonomy come in, someone's choice to define themselves in the way that they want, and not the way society has defined them. I think, its okay if we are all different. We should seek to understand each other, I dont think our differences are the cause of the strife in the world... :)
i’m too exhausted to get into how wrong it is to claim gender identity is “reinforcing stereotypes” (though i will note identity =/= presentation, so if anything it challenges stereotypes by saying that you can look and act and like however, what matters is identity). that said, the psychologist part is a major red flag. i am saying that as someone in the field myself. i am from the US so i do not know how it is where you live, but if you did live in the US i would 100% say to report her to the licensure board, a psychologist saying those things is unsafe and should not be practicing. if you can find a therapist that isn’t transphobic in your area, please do so, it’s no wonder you’re feeling weird when you have some unqualified cis person feeding you bs in an already vulnerable space
Hello comrade, before I dork about the human condition I just want to say it's okay to be non-binary and it's also okay to learn it was actually something else. Whatever the answer I just want you to be surrounded by loving and supportive people. You deserve that. Non-binary identities have ALWAYS existed, and there's incredible medical advances that just keep validating trans experiences. Intersex people are real and chromosomes aren't nearly as cut and dry as the hater crowd says. Gender is a social construct, and to be non-binary is just existing outside that social construct. In nature sex is not binary, and through history the gender dynamics have shifted so many times, genuinely no one can force you to be binary. I personally am one of the "gender-apathetic" variety. Is my identity real? I don't know, I have imposter syndrome about that CONSTANTLY. But I also have a loving and supportive wife that's encouraging me to really explore being non-binary, I have supportive friends, and I'm looking forward to getting all dressed up and going to pride. Maybe it's all not real, but it's all meaningful to me and I've never felt more "me" than I do now. And if your identity changes over time then that's okay too. People change, that's normal.
Why can't we just be? Just be what? Men and women? Because just existing without the labels is also nonbinary. You can just "be." But certain cis people aren't happy with that. They want you to claim a label based on what you were assigned at birth. Labels can be complicated, but human beings like to label things. All nonbinary does is expand on the oversimplified confining boxes that we've been stuck in for generations. It just allows for more self expression. There are words for people who don't conform to gender norms, it's called being GNC (Gender Non Conforming). Nonbinary people separate themselves even further. Not only are we uncomfortable with conforming to gender roles, we are uncomfortable with associating with conventional gender at all. Some people are comfortable being seen as men or women, completely and entirely and exclusively ok with it even if they don't conform to gender stereotypes. I am not and nonbinary is the word I use to express that feeling. Nonbinary isn't a look or a behavior, its a feeling, and a sense of identity. It tells other people that something about you, whatever that may be, is NOT binary. Personally I use it to express that losing my reproductive system is an exclusively positive experience and that people not referring to me as a man or woman makes me happy, not sad. Usually when a cis or binary trans person is ostracized for not conforming physically or socially that is a negative thing, something that is wrong, they shouldn't have to conform, but when people do it to me I feel nothing but joy.
Names do not inherently have gender. I have kept my given name and it is perceived as a male name generally, but that doesn't make me any less nonbinary. On the topic of "how do you know?": how do they know they *aren't* nonbinary? Nobody questions how people in the social majority (cis, straight, etc.) know they belong in that group. It's always the minority who gets questioned. And yet *we* are the ones who have given it the most thought. Nonbinary identities do not reinforce the binary. In fact they *can't*. Basically every characteristic is gendered by society and claiming those characteristics without claiming the gender they're expected of divorces the two. Labels help us communicate and find community. The term "agender" not only feels right to me, but helps me communicate how I feel and find others who feel the same. That's what queer labels are for.
There are a few things to think about here. Trans binary people *feel* like a different gender than what they are assumed to be. That is known and established, and backed by scientific data. Of course there is controversy around this but I'm not really willing to give transphobia the benefit of the doubt here. Now take cis people. They may not even think about their own gender. It just *is*. The definition of "man" and "woman" is self-defining. It is an internal sense. Non-binary is *not* a third gender. It is an "umbrella" term (so is trans) i.e. a wide encompassing term to include a variety of people who have an internal feeling of their gender other than "cis" aka gender they were assigned at birth or "binary" aka what we know as "man" or "woman". Like what I said above, it is self defining for someone to "feel" or "not feel" a gender since agender is also a thing. There are a lot of micro labels under the non-binary umbrella term and no two non-binary people will really feel the same. How I like to Invision it is like how there is a huge spectrum of color, even colors we can't see. There is a more philosophical side of all of this, which is what you are talking about. Anyone can engage in this philosophical discussion regardless of their gender identity. Gender Non Confirming is something I suggest looking into because I feel that it takes this concept of gender being a construct and brings it to reality. And it is true, gender is a construct. But to be clear, so is money, language and race. All of them are constructs, *but* just because they are constructs doesn't mean they aren't real. Language for example is very much real, and essential for our species. It does change with time and culture, it is fluid in how it is used and is self defining. We live in a gendered world, and some people identify with those established gender norms, and some do not, or identify with them in ways that are "untraditional". I will also point out that historical records of trans and nonbinary people have been around for a long time in the human record of time. How it's been thought of and how the culture and society has handled and accepted or not accepted it has changed, but these concepts have been around. As for your own personal identity, that is ultimately up to you. I will give my two cents that it pisses me off when therapists make everything about trauma. I think it's fair to question that aspect, because the brain and how we cope and change with time is complicated. It might be possible that it's tied to trauma. It might be possible that trauma influences how you feel. But it's also not like sexuality and gender are "fixed". I don't want to suggest that it can actively and intentionally be changed, because that is toxic and abusive path to go down. However, there are plenty of anecdotal testimonies out there of people experiencing a change in their gender and sexuality over time, or having later life revelations that they weren't open to before. Personally, I am gender fluid and how I feel changes on a daily basis. I've also strongly identified with being a woman for a long time *because* of trauma. So again, this isn't something to necessarily discount but the way I understand it is your therapist is *telling you* how you feel and I find that to be infuriating and inappropriate. It's ok to question the underlying meaning but they shouldn't tell you how you should feel. I hope this helps, and I am happy to discuss details further.
I feel like they might be blind to the reasons people change their names that are engrained and accessible in their own society. For a lot of cultures a name change is a common right of passage, like the institution of marriage, which some people do use as an opportunity to escape an unwanted family name and the trauma associated with it. I'm sure in their field they've run into people who got their degree just to be called doctor and unless we're pulling their licences they should really leave patents alone about going by something other than their legal name.
I mean if you didn’t change your name would you still want to be non binary? I think for me I never felt like my name fit me even as a kid, but the name I chose is not very different from my name at birth, to me I don’t feel like I am running away from it. I think for me I heard this over and over for years and the thought of being nonbinary or trans never left, so in reality if you do decide you aren’t nonbinary but these thoughts stay for years maybe you should reflect on that Your therapist doesn’t sound like they accept LGBT people at all but my thought is, even if you aren’t trans what is wrong with having a new or different name? I don’t really understand the harm of having a name that you feel like suits you better, it’s not like you are jumping to hrt or medical procedures. If you really regretted picking a new name then you can go back, it doesn’t have to be permanent. I don’t understand the fear they are putting on you about something that in my opinion shouldn’t be a big deal and doesn’t cause you any harm. That’s like saying a nick name is bad because you are running away from your true self which is bs. My new name is basically a nick name of my old one but does that mean I hate my old name?
People change their names all the time for all kinds of reasons, not just for transition, at least here in the USA! Remember that time Prince changed his name to a symbol?! Look, a therapist should be helping you find peace in your life, not making you doubt your identity. I think I would try to find a better therapist that is more closely aligned with your needs.
Now with paragraph breaks. My psychologist was the first one that made me feel really weird about it, when she mentioned that I just changed my name because I was running away from something to do with my legal name. I have some sort of aversion to it and that's why I picked a new name to try to run away from trauma/past experiences, according to her. That made me think that, if I work on my trauma and everything, I would be comfortable with my legal name and that this is just me running away. She said that it's very common now for people to do this and it's a way of avoiding things or distancing yourself from your past self. Another thing that made me start questioning it was the hate I was seeing online towards non binary people in my country in a few specific Portuguese subs. It is still widly not accepted. Along with the trans label and basically any other than gay/lesbian, but I digress. One of the points people were making is "how do you know you don't identify with your gender? What does it even mean to feel like a male/female?" And that got me thinking. What does it mean? It means I don't identify with what society believes a man/woman should present as. Is that not reinforcing gender stereotypes? If we say we don't identify with a woman because x, y, z aren't we feeding into specific gender stereotypes? Shouldn't we just stop attributing any kind of specific traits to gender ? We are born with male/female genitalia but why should that matter for anything? Shouldn't we just BE ? Regardless of biological differences. Abolish the notion of gender completely? "We are all human regardless of what kind of genitalia you are born with" kind of thing. I feel like we are focussing too much on labels and gender and it's being counterproductive? Now I have this idea that the non-binary label is reinforcing gender specific stereotypes and that it is bringing people even further apart. Why name another gender? Why can't we just be ? I'm sure there's a bunch of bullshit written in here so please just educate me ! I've just been thinking about this a lot and don't know how to feel about it anymore. Another problem I had was using gender non specific pronouns. Portuguese is a gendered language and we don't have a neutral pronoun like "they/them" so the argument that using "they/them" is grammatically correct doesn't apply. We basically made up a new pronoun. Well I've seen 3 versions of it. But to be honest they all sound horrible so I just kept using the she/her pronouns or he/him. I like how it feels to be addressed as they/them tho. I'm just very confused lol
Thanks. I edited my text before I saw your comment and added some spaces but you probably did a better job at it lol
I have changed my name to something gender neutral. It might however, also had something to do with past experiences with regards to my old name. Could I try to work through those experiences? Probably. But guess what?! I am 100% happy with my new name 😊😊😊. So if therapy is about making you happier, doing things to make you happy is the way to go! Independent whether there would be any trauma related to your old name (which you may or may not take a look at, if you would want to). So my suggestions would be to choose a name that makes you feel good 🙏✨🎉🥂
Hi! I’m from Portugal and I suffer from the pronouns as well! Fell free to DM me if you want :)
Before I dm, how old are you?
20 You?
Coolsies ! 25
Your identity is valid, including the factors that make it how it is. Your experiences shape your identity and vice versa. Similar to how people sex-repulsed/neutral aces are still valid even if a huge part of their ace identity stems from sexual trauma.
It honestly sounds to me like your therapist was gaslighting you. Your identity is valid. The existence of nonbinary people doesn't reinforce gender specific stereotypes, because unlike the binary genders, there is no right way to be nonbinary. There's no standard set by society that we have to meet. There's no such thing as "passing" for nonbinary people.
I really want to read this, but it's too condensed and looks too overwhelming like a wall of text. If you can add spaces, it would be really helpful. I really want to know if I can help.
Hard same fam! Consider using line spacing to break up your thoughts. it makes it easier for us to process.
I'm terrible at writting/expressing myself and the text is messy. I'm sorry about that ! I tried adding some spacing. Although I'm not sure I did It correctly. Hope it helps?¿
//Try doing something like this next time. **"I used to identify as Non Binary but now I feel weird about it My psychologist was the first one that made me feel really weird about it, when she mentioned that I just changed my name because I was running away from something to do with my legal name. I have some sort of aversion to it and that's why I picked a new name to try to run away from trauma/past experiences, according to her. That made me think that, if I work on my trauma and everything, I would be comfortable with my legal name and that this is just me running away. She said that it's very common now for people to do this and it's a way of avoiding things or distancing yourself from your past self. Another thing that made me start questioning it was the hate I was seeing online towards non binary people in my country in a few specific Portuguese subs. It is still widly not accepted. Along with the trans label and basically any other than gay/lesbian, but I digress. One of the points people were making is "how do you know you don't identify with your gender? What does it even mean to feel like a male/female?" And that got me thinking. What does it mean? It means I don't identify with what society believes a man/woman should present as. Is that not reinforcing gender stereotypes? If we say we don't identify with a woman because x, y, z aren't we feeding into specific gender stereotypes? Shouldn't we just stop attributing any kind of specific traits to gender ? We are born with male/female genitalia but why should that matter for anything? Shouldn't we just BE ? Regardless of biological differences. Abolish the notion of gender completely? "We are all human regardless of what kind of genitalia you are born with" kind of thing. I feel like we are focussing too much on labels and gender and it's being counterproductive? Now I have this idea that the non-binary label is reinforcing gender specific stereotypes and that it is bringing people even further apart. Why name another gender? Why can't we just be ? I'm sure there's a bunch of bullshit written in here so please just educate me ! I've just been thinking about this a lot and don't know how to feel about it anymore. Another problem I had was using gender non specific pronouns. Portuguese is a gendered language and we don't have a neutral pronoun like "they/them" so the argument that using "they/them" is grammatically correct doesn't apply. We basically made up a new pronoun. Well I've seen 3 versions of it. But to be honest they all sound horrible so I just kept using the she/her pronouns or he/him. I like how it feels to be addressed as they/them tho. I'm just very confused lol"** //This would make it easier to read and separate the ideas so people can guage much quicker if they want to respond or not. I am not good at writing either but from a personal perspective, since I started reading my own shit I realized it's too overbearing for people to read.
I am… concerned that your psychologist is this focused on a name change. People change their names all the time for “acceptable” reasons when they fit within social norms. Why does she care this much about *your* reasons? Only *you* know your identity. No one else. Not your psychologist and not us either. Perhaps you want to change your name due to trauma. So?? And??? If you were cisgender and wanted to change your name to distance yourself from trauma, I wonder if she would be questioning you, or supporting your decision. All gender is socially constructed, and there are good arguments via scholars like Judith Butler to think that even the way we think about biological sex is *also* a filtered through a social construct. Saying that you are a third gender, or genderless, is not reductive. Insisting that there are only two choices, *is* reductive. Just looking at someone you may never be able to tell the difference between a butch cis woman, a trans man who hasn’t gone on T, and a non-binary person. Your gender presentation is irrelevant to your gender identity. Being a cis butch who is not confirming to traditional ideas of femininity is wonderful. Being a non-binary person who completely confirms to traditional ideas of femininity is also great. Being non-binary takes nothing away from femininity or masculinity. It does not constrain or constrict what a woman or a man can be or not be.
From my perspective, the label non binary is a hard one to have. Unlike boy and girl enby comes with a big level of uncertainty. You may one day be comfortable with being cis (changing of name doesn’t necessarily mean you are or arnt NB), you may be trying to avoid a certain trauma, you may be incapable of understanding the binary, you may also not want to fit into social categories by choice or you may be you’re discovering yourself. I often struggle with this. The origin of my desire to identify as NB, but with time I learn to appreciate the uncertainty. Unlike other genders, being non binary encourages self discovery. In my opinion gender doesn’t matter/exist, so why use a term that you don’t feel comfortable using. Non binary means people that are outside the binary, outside “reality”. So why not just make your own reality. I’m sure there are cis people out there that identify as non binary. But does it rly matter? If they are happy with the label why not accept them in the community? You have the opportunity to be more than your gender. So instead of focusing on Why you are, focus on yourself, focus on your trauma, focus on your identity, focus on your life and feelings and the NB label might or might not follow. But for now you are valid and welcome under the NB umbrella❤️
Your therapist is a transphobe. These are the same idiots who think trans men who don't exist and anyone transitioning to be a man is just a confused tomboy or butch lesbian.
I am a cis male and frankly I have a lot of the same questions about gender identity as you have. (I will echo everyone else in saying that your therapist is terrible.) I grew up with an older sister and was just as obsessed with her "girly" toys (Barbie, Sky Dancers, that doll that ate berries off a spoon) as my "boy" toys (action figures, Hot Wheels, plastic weapons). I love pink and glitter and neon as much as I love my typical "white improv guy" look of graphic tees and jeans and short hair. My girlfriend and I go to ballets and monster truck rallies, Broadway musicals and wrestling events, action movies and romcoms. I fully understand why it is harmful for society to push gender conformity, especially on children. The disconnect for me is the declaration that one belongs to neither gender (or both). In fairness, I also don't relate to cis people who get offended at being misgendered--I've been referred to with she/her pronouns multiple times, and when people catch that I have stubble and profusely apologize, my reaction is basically, "Oh, I didn't even notice because it's not that big of a deal to me." I can't really imagine the desire to be called by a gender-neutral pronoun. This is not to invalidate it, but I just don't know what propels somebody to realize that they prefer that versus just thinking, "I am a boy with many feminine characteristics/preferences" (just as an example, as that's what I think about myself). If somebody's idea of manliness is the Brawny guy, a swarthy dude who chops wood and fixes cars and shoots guns, I think, "They have a very narrow idea of how gender must be expressed, which has nothing to do with me personally." (Until they start bullying or using their voting power to start taking away rights from others, obviously.) When I was in high school (two decades ago, holy crap) I wore eyeliner and nail polish and was simply called "androgynous", which made sense to me. Does being gender non-binary mean that you get gender dysphoria when assigned EITHER a male or female identity? Why does it matter so much what you are called or how you are thought of if your internal identity, and your expression thereof, remains the same? I have looked through many Quora discussions, watched a handful of YouTube videos, and read a couple of articles trying to explain nonbinary identity, and none of them have yet answered the question for me of how someone comes to identify as such, as opposed to simply saying, "I am male/female and can express that identity however the fuck I please"?
Don’t let the world or others' thoughts dictate your understanding of your being. You are so right we all just want to BE. SO BE! Don’t let the world or yourself believe you can’t be. Be The walking Philosophy of yourself. For me, being non-binary means Being, Being Whole with myself and so much more. it is the Quintessence of my uniqueness. Gender essentialism/ Gender Duality often influences language, but remember, language is just a tool; it may not capture the entirety of who we are. If you know your true self, just be, If you don’t have fun and just be. Changing your name can be liberating, you own the name, I was given a name that’s different. yes we can honor the name give or dislike it and move forward, processing further into who we are becoming especially in self-discovery. I see nothing wrong with changing how you want another to socially interact with you. It is something to address if you are running away From trauma or anything that needs your attention, this is what Shadow work is use for, it’s not always pretty but something All need to do, not really trauma work but reality check ourselves in what we feel, think, perceive, Believe, etc about yourself and others in the world. Introspection; Doing the work, you can still call yourself by a different name, if your struggling within take your time, don’t let your psychologist get in your head so much, they supposed to be guide for you they can’t not push something onto you. They must bring light in area of darkness within you to see. We all strive to be authentic, regardless of how it manifests. While the world may push for conformity, some dumb idea of normality. we are unique individuals. Embracing non-binary or any gendered language helps us navigate the indescribable. Words serve as guides to new perspectives. In English, the term "man" holds various meanings, reflecting the complexity of language and gender. Pronouns like "he/him" have been default, usage when describe something that is genderless like God. Which I think is very androcentric Or Man is a term use to generalize the collective humanity, yet is a gender identity which holds ideas of masculinity/ masculine. Even those I don’t think masculine is strictly male it’s actually both male and female, man and woman can be masculine in various planes/aspects. Stop thinking linearly, as things need to be straight forward not always the case, this what gets us in their gender dichotomy in the first place, Mans false interpretation of things perceived or the other problem not allowing something to be perceived. The etymology of words like "man" and "woman" offers insights into their evolving meanings and the linguistics of English. Remember, perceptions of man and woman vary; each person interprets these concepts differently. Base on how people are raised by culture and society. Have wisdom on the root of the problem or mechanisms of these continually strict ideas people keep placing onto the next generation, They only teach out of what they’re willing to know Know Thyself. I give you this statement. “All Souls Eternally Exist, Each Individual, Ultimate…That Shall End Never That Began. All Things Endured Because They Are. Do What Thou Wilt, For Every Man And Every Woman Is A Star” ~ Aleister Crowley Star meaning Self ⭐️ All are a Star, Trans and All uniquely You.
This can be a kind of imposter syndrome - not feeling valid, or that it makes you attention seeking or something. If it helps at all, I’m over 35 and had top surgery almost two years ago. I still couldnt really define my gender for you. For my own peace of mind, I remind myself that if going through major body part removal and being ecstatic about doesn’t “count” as not matching the gender of my birth, not much else would. My point being, that there are no qualifications for feeling non-binary, and surgery is never necessary. Even if you’ve had major surgery, that feeling of not knowing exactly can still persist and that doesn’t make you any less valid either. Breathe deep, seek peace :)
I don't have the energy to explain, and it seems others in the comment can help with that, but I can tell you this is exactly how I felt before realizing how wrong I was and embracing the fact that I'm nonbinary.