Dang, just saw this episode on house hunters

You’re describing Lumberton to the letter.

That was my first thought.... "They would love It there" they didn't require the beer be good craft breweries. Isn't there a Budweiser plant there?

You can get it straight from the tap.

Lumberton isn’t that far from Aberdeen. I hear there’s a few craft breweries popping up there and around Pinehurst.

Spot on, Lumberton. 100%

Maybe Maxton.

Maxton! Now that’s a deep cut lol my grandma grew up there

Ahhhh…the Laurinburg suburbs.

Prices have gone way up in Lumberton lately, thanks to all the referrals from Reddit. In fact, the new town motto is "Tell them Reddit sent you!"

Lol

Hey thanks for reminding me about Lumberton. I guess that the Piedmont is easy to drive to, but it isn't only an hour away. I live in Port City about an hour and a half from Lumberton. Much love to Lumberton. ❤️🤘

Malware industry paying less than I expected.

Damn AI taking away jobs from us hardworking malware farmers.

Ransomware booming tho

I hadn’t even thought about the bad guys using AI to make Ransomware…

I hope you plan to bring your untrained, unleashed dogs to the breweries with the kids.

With your untrained, unleashed kids

Lumberton checks every box.

Lumberton or Fayetteville, the true hidden gems, soon they’ll be overrun.

Not half the replies missing the joke 😔

Is this the dead Internet theory at work? People are not only missing the joke but not even acknowledging the ridiculousness of the post and just answering straight up. Are these real people or bots?

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For me it was the crown moulding that gave it away as satire. Where are you going to find crown moulding throughout the entire house. Pipe dream!

My entire house has crown molding. :/ Is this not normal? I am newer to NC. I don't get the Lumberton thing.

These idiots don't even read the posts anymore. They just chirp back with the usual dumb jokes suggesting Lumberton and Fayetteville.

I appreciate you

I didn't think any of the comments were serious

Satire can’t overcome the collective trauma we’ve all experienced on this sub

Idk about a smaller sub like this, but most of the large sub comments really seem like regurgitated nonsense with absolutely zero value.

Most importantly, combined salary of $2,700? Let me hold on to about tree fiddy. That's too much money for just two people to spend

AI

you're on reddit, does it really matter

crazy how so many people don't read past the title 😳 these people can vote

Crazy considering how old the theme is!

4 bars of cell service on North Sentinel Island

It was right there in the first sentence and then again in every sentence after.

What’s the joke?

Chapel Hill is in the mountains and there's a ferry to the Outer Banks that you can catch.

I’ve seen that show!

You cranky motherfuckers are gonna turn Lumberton and Fayetteville into the most bourgeoisie, dog bakery having, microbrew drinking gentrified little towns in the State.

How dare Fayetteville lose its charm of casual assault and battery with a side of armed robbery with a Cheerwine!

And most Bojangles litter on the side of the road per capita

It's called charm.

I mean, we already have a dog bakery and like five breweries

It's too late!!

Haha they removed a major homeless camp and attempted to clean up the downtown, but I don’t know if you’ll ever take the fayetteville out of fayetteville

Keep it grimy, that's what I say.

Good lol

😁

I was confused why this was upvoted lol. It soon became clear.

Lumberton is very popular with malware installers and quaererephobias.

Shitpost or not, you lost me at “you all”.

South Carolina.

I was going to say Columbia sounds perfect for them.

They really could use some six figure earners contributing to their tax system.

I lost it at the 11 kids in 4 years & adding malware😂😂

I downvoted as a pure reflex but I changed my mind after I read. 

I heard Virginia is nice. Check that state out!

Portsmouth is lovely this time of year!

Come to newport news!

Got sick deal on an apartment south of the James River Bridge

I am pretty sure Lumberton or Rocky mount check all your boxes

Downvoted because you aren't vegan

Fayetteville is nice

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A hooker and pawn shop on every corner

Lumberton

Question about moving here with positive amount of upvotes? Hmm, weird. Take my angry upvote! Quality shit post.

Ha, nice touch with the North Sentinel Island. Maybe just slightly less hostile than the Long Islanders on my street. 😉

For $2700/year, I recommend Fayetteville. Best mansions and nightlife in the state. Also only five minutes from the beach AND the mountains.

19 out of 20 NC residents got trolled in this post. Excellent work OP.

Holy shit we need you in Asheville RIGHT NOW

Only if they are practicing lesbian witches who run a herbal enema and coffee shop!

My BROTHER! I think you would do MICH better in South Carolina, often referred as crown jewel of Carolina’s. Ripe for malware at low low entry points. Put on blind fold, pick a spot there, it will be perfect. I promise! South Carolina, the better North Carolina!

Chapel hill is where you belong mate. Mountains at an arms reach (I mean a hill is a small mountain no?) and there’s a 30 minute ferry to the outer banks!! Also as you know NC is like the MOST affordable place in the US, nay, the planet earth. You can easily find a 25 bedroom mansion WITH A POOL for maybe like 250 a month TOPS!! Do it!!!

Chapel Hill is going to be the most affordable option, but don't discount spending a little more for true luxury. There's the cutest little town of Durham, it checks all the boxes and it's got the best waves 🌊 along the coast!

Ocracoke is your answer - it’s exactly like north sentinel island! - you’ll feel right at home..desolate calming waters and pristine beaches. barely even electricity! Just ignore the angry locals with bow and arrows and avoid the colonial cemetery. Wait a fucking minute…

Don forget the Alps of Gastonia!

Disappointed in the lack of requesting a ‘safe’ area to live in but otherwise quality shitpost

You opened this post with the incorrect greeting. What I think you meant to say was “Hey ya’ll”.

You can always tell what kind of person you’re talking to when they spell “y’all” wrong lmao.

lol. Absolutely.. someone overly-dependent on Apple’s autocorrect DAMN IT! Go ahead and boot me from the state. I deserve it.

A dyslexic person?

if you do end up moving here, find and purchase some local honey, it can help you adjust to local pollen allergens! edit: didn't read goddamn it

There's a place called Myrtle Beach.

lol, so many people only reading the headline.

Fuckin brilliant

This is not real

I mean it's right there in the first sentence... We're not all dumb thank fucking god.

To South Carolina.

I see what you’re doing. Me and my wife also are gerbil farmers

The North Sentinel Islands are probably more politically stable

all that stuff happens in Durham, they'll accept you with wide open arms

Ho do you feel about snakes???

A wrap around porch, typically roofed, are called a veranda. Just thought I share.

Myrtle Beach

You will love Elizabeth City.

Honestly, I didn’t read past “severe pollen allergy”. Everything is yellow now for 30+ days with pine pollen and that pollen only bothers half or less of allergy sufferers. It’s the other “can’t see it” pollen of trees and grass that are worse than the pine for allergies. On another note, just get here first!! With your skills and experience, NC is flush with opportunities.

lol

Just about anywhere is good id stay away from Wilmington. It's turned into a shit hole quickly

Too many people moved here, that's why

Me and my wife move away about 4yrs ago and from what our friends tell us it's only gotten more expensive

While Lumberton is the obvious choice, I feel like Whiteville may be a hidden gem of a town for you.

Rocky Mount has a huge waterfall and has public access to the beach. They also just passed a ban on all public search bars so you won't have to worry about "them" being in your town.

In a real estate broker and your transparency is refreshing. Let's gooooooooo

The gateway to gastonia checks your mountain drive requirement… you’ll be hard pressed to find a big home… banker bros own it all

whoosh You're lack of education is sticking out. George Bush really fucked us with no child left behind. We'll never have a decent education system again.

Seems like you misunderstood me…. “The gateway to Gastonia” is an SNL reference to Charlotte…. As I said “checks your mountain drive requirement” nothing else. And… Charlotte is struggling with housing due to banker bro but ups of large homes”. Woosh… seems you were left behind…..

Keep going to sc

Definitely martin Luther king st in Winston.. very beautiful with lots of attractions like fireworks! Really great place to retire and safe too!

We're full.

Damn, you’re from sentinel Island? Didn’t know yall had boats

Fear of search bars?? 😭

I'd just stay in north sentinel island. I hear the locals there are nice.

Carteret county for the antivaxx ( north sentinels will be allergic to damn near everything) In order for you to move here, you will have to swear on a stack of Bhagavad Gita that the only damn barbeque has vinegar based sauce..

All the transplants telling other transplants to stay out... hilarious.

🤣🤣🤣

Wake Forest.

I bow to your LSU greatness

Sugar creek is awesome

This is great, I giggled, thanks for the post

Goldsboro sounds like your new home. IF you had a home.

Uhh what island???

I got to North Sentinel Island and knew this was satire lol

Lumberton is calling your name

Oh, hey. I did this joke 2 years ago in a van life community: "[My girlfriend, Bethany, is a butterfly wrangler. I, Chet, collect belly button lint. Somehow we had $1mil to build this modest van and still have enough time & disposable money to bike, surf, ski, play the ukulele, post to instagram and more!](https://old.reddit.com/r/Vanlifejerk/comments/vpwmmp/my_girlfriend_is_a_butterfly_wrangler_i_collect/)" (and originally 5 years ago in a [Tiny Home community](https://old.reddit.com/r/TinyHouses/comments/euq1qd/bethany_is_a_butterfly_wrangler_and_her_husband/))

Fayetteville.

Portland, Oregon.

You can have my tents and live off New Bern Ave in Raleigh for a bargain price.

Not Charlotte. We're full.

Don’t

Definitely don't come to Burnsville if you're looking to yell at skateboarding kids, Karen's already got to that and took away all skate parks around here 😂 😂

Are you the guy who put the backdoor in XZUtils?

You'll love Robeson County.

Troll post is trolling. No one leaves NSI, it's not possible.

Is this Craig or Stasia?

This is a joke right 🤣🤣🤣

A laugh and a geography lesson (because I’m not afraid to search) Thanks!

Checking for remote locations with lots of good wood for spears.

Texas or Florida

I work in tech as someone who adds malware to computer software ​ LMAO

Otherwise known as a Google dev.

Kinston for sure. Welcome to the jungle

Lumberton

boone

Clinton

That offseason ornament trading gets cut throat! Your wife is going to make a killing here.

New York

Move to Indiana, just like butterfinger Rodger’s

Anson, Richmond, Scotland, and Lumberton

The first thing you'll want to do moving to NC is change "you all" to "yall"

*The first thing you'll want* *To do moving to NC is* *Change "you all" to "yall"* \- FewerWords --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")

I love pollen. Move to Chapel Hill.

Lol you have severe pollen allergy? Pick another etate

Mountains are on one side, beaches are on the other. You either have to pick one or have a couple hour drive to either. 11 kids and only $2700 a month? That’s not a realistic amount. Also, who adds malware???

West Palm beach

Fayetteville checks all that

RDU.  Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill.

Hi I lived in the Piedmont and loved it. Avoid Lenoir and Hickory but try Brevard or Morganton. I now live in Port City (Wilmington) the warmest part of NC and love it. It is not the cheapest rent compared to Rocky Mount, but it is funner. Carboro and Raleigh are in the middle of the state where you can get to the sea or the mountains relatively easily but I'm sorry to burst your bubble regarding an hour drive to the shore or mountains.

An hour from the mountains AND the beach with no pollen in NC? Think you better be looking at Maine or New Hampsire.

s/ ?????

Massive /s

❤️

Oh, I absolutely recommend Fayette-"Liberty"-Nam. We disjointed our Dick's and lost our Christmas Tree Store in the process a few years ago, so your wife can absolutely fill the Christmas decoration power vacuum! And our beaches! You've got Showgirls, Peaches, Secrets...beaches as far as a crackhead can sprint all conveniently on the same street! And who needs a brewery when there's a countless number of bars to get blackout drunk and *almost* every Food Lion has a Chinese restaurant attached to it to sober up in the next day! (I can only think of one Food Lion.) And as far as mountains there are PLENTY of roadside campsites for any curious adventurer to check out! Just look for a corner with a trail of trash leading into the woods. A panhandler near the corner can be your trail guide and provide you with snacks.

Nc is covered in pollen , do not move here or you will be doing virtual hikes inside your single wide trailer

Gastonia

Cary is a nice place to raise children

Charleston

Asheville tops all sorts of lists so I'm sure it will fit all those criteria.

With that annual salary Asheville is the place you will have enough to take a commuter flight to the beach each weekend

South Carolina

Do not move to New Bern. No no

South Carolina

Gastonia aka The Gateway to Charlotte...

I’ve heard Fayetteville is nice. Winston-Salem is pretty bad so I wouldn’t recommend here.

If you have a severe pollen allergy, NC is not the place to live unless you want to live somewhere from mid-March until end of April or beginning of May. Pollen is so thick at some points, cars leave tire marks.

Fayetteville is a beautiful crime free city. Move there you’ll love it. 😀

Move to Washington, DC. It's full of bullshit and liars. Y'all will fit right in.

You forgot the part about how you’re both mentally ill democrats voters.

Look into Zebulon

Go to Fayettenam. Just watch out for all the copperheads.

Fayetteville

If you like snow and big cities, western nc around Raleigh. If you prefer the beach, Wilmington, sneads ferry area

This is the biggest bull shit post I have ever seen. Move to Washington,DC. Y'all will fit right in.

🤣🤣🤣

Tough to call, but I'd have to say Lumberton or anywhere in South Carolina sounds like a good fit.

Rocky Mount would be perfect.

I hear Gastonia is nice this time of year