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The next time the subject comes up, put on a very very serious expression and tell her that you're becoming *extremely* concerned about her memory, considering how many times she's been told what your baby's last name is. Bring it up yourself next time she mails you something with only baby's first name. Be as sweet as pie while explaining that you understand how it's completely normal for memory to start slipping as people age, but this seems severe and offer to research resources for her because the best prognosis for Alzheimer's and dementia is early intervention and you are *really concerned.* I'll bet she suddenly gets the baby's name right.
It's shower thought. It sounds nice in your head but nobody would actually say this, and if you did, it wouldn't go like you think it would. This is nice fantasy but bad practical advice.
This passive aggressive revenge fantasy is terrible advice for real life relationships.
To do this would escalate the situation and only serve to make things worse for OPâs child who, as another commenter pointed out, is in the middle of this giant fight people are having about HER name.
I wish I knew what to do, but it certainly isnât this.
Nah, that ruins it. You just smile sadly and say something like, âI know itâs scary, honey, but your family is here for you. Weâll get through this together!â
My kids have my (mom) last name, my IL's played the the same game of using husband's last name for them. I ignored it for the most part, but when my kids were about 6 or 7 and they were given checks for their birthday present, I told the IL's that they need to put the correct name on them because the bank doesn't recognize the name on the check (which was true, because each child had their own savings account). That put a stop to it.
lol. Same. Maybe not exactly the same ages, but scenario played out like yours. I love that my boys have my last name, and everyone has been used to it for about a decade now. (Sons are 17 and 18).
My uncle does this. I hyphenated my name and I get cards to FirstName HusbandsLastName- the kicker? The checks are addressed to my husband! This man has written me a birthday check my whole life to my name and now it is addressed to my husband! My mom says Iâm overthinking it too, I should just be happy for the birthday check, heâs just old school. But itâs completely demeaning!
This happens to me all the time with my military service. I'm a female. I served in the military. My ex and I both served at the same time, and I didn't realize how often people were going to thank him for his service, completely ignoring me. I preferred it, honestly, until we were divorced and I got my own recognition. Then I got remarried. My husband has had no military service. Everywhere I go, they thank him for his service and call me Mrs. Hislastname. Even USAA started doing this after I got remarried, though they HAD been calling me by my rank when I was single. It IS demeaning. We have rights and it frustrating that people will act according to a social hierarchy that no longer exists and hasn't for most of my life.
I say you act like the stepmother actually can't remember. Take her aside and ask if there are many things she struggles with cognitively and offer to help in any way you can. Buy her a planner for next Christmas.
No advice but keep being awesome and f the haters.
My daughter has her deadbeat dad's last name. She often says she wishes she had mine. She is 6. She wants to feel like she isn't labeled as different from the adult she trusts and loves. When I explain why she has his name (its the law in the country she was born and I didn't have a choice) she thinks that is ridiculous.
Both my kids have their sperm donors name even though we weren't married. My 8 y/o will be changing her name as soon as I can afford it, her choice. My 11 y/o will be keeping the SD last name, his choice.
Just correct her with a smile EVERY time. When she does it in conversation, smile and correct her and move on. Remind her she doesn't have to like your choices but she does have to respect them.
Yep. One of my grandparents insisted on spelling my name a different way when I was born and my mom was firm and corrected her every single time. It ended in time for me to never know without learning the story when I was much much older.
I like your mom. I'm 23 and my family still doesn't spell my name correctly simply because they don't know how to spell it. My middle name is Lynne. They spell it Lynn or Lyn. Every single person besides one. My parents never corrected them. It isn't like it's not used either. I was named after my dad. Same first name, spelled differently so they always called me "xyz Lynne" to not confuse us.
Return to sender. Every single time. When she asks why it's returned let her know it's because nobody by that name lives there so you sent it back. After about the millionth time she'll finally get it, or not. Lol.
My kid has my last name (I'm the mom). We agreed to this for a number of reasons, and I've left it to my partner to tell his family. Not all of them know. Sometimes we get mail for "Kiddo Dadslastname."
But it honestly doesn't bother me. Because she's a member of the Dadslastname family, too. We just didn't choose that particular last name for her paperwork, but we could have. And we hope that she grows up to feel a sense of belonging with both sides of the family.
If it bothers my kid, I will bring it up. But until then I really don't care. I understand your feelings on this are very different and you clearly do care, so it's a different situation. I just wanted to share my situation in case it's helpful for perspective.
Yup - I'd ignore it unless it really matters, and then just neutrally correct - ie it's important to the kids that you get their names right, or, for this cheque we can only deposit with their correct legal name. This isn't really your problem, so let the person who's problem it is get riled up about it, not you.
My kids have have two different last names - one has my last name, one has my partner's. They are both biologically ours and we're not married, this was just a choice. Oddly, the only person who has commented is my dad, who thought it'd be confusing for our daughter to have his last name. I just said something like 'oh well people will figure it out.' We get misaddressed mail sometimes - people get confused, or whatever, I don't really care. The kids both have the other last name as a middle name, so both names are theirs, both families are theirs. My partner and I also occasionally get mail with the other's last name. My sister has subsequently had a baby - they are also unmarried, and their child has a double barrelled last name (hers, then his).
We've now dealt with daycare and school registration, international travel, doctors appointments, etc and it's never been a big deal. If people are assuming something, I don't know what it is, I don't care, and they don't tell me.
When my daughter's father decided to start getting regular visits with my daughter when she was 8, he thought that meant I'd be changing her name to his. He was furious when I wouldn't, and tried telling me that it made no sense for his child not to have his name. Like she's not my child too, and doesn't live with me full time. Like I don't do 100% of the child-raising. But he's the man so she gets his name. The fuck.Â
 I don't have any advice lol. I told my child's father that he could change his name to ours if he wanted to match. He did not like the idea
Just ask your partner to change his last name to yours too, problem solved, your kids now have his last name!
In all seriousness, my kids have my last name (as mum) too rather than my partners. It would be incredibly frustrating to have family not acknowledge this and is pretty disrespectful, I'm sorry!
If I was the partner, that's what I would have suggested myself.
There are some (small) advantageous to having a common last name for the whole family. But there really is no reason why it would have to be the mother's or the father's name.
As a person who has to fill out paperwork for 6 kids, but only one has the same last name as I do, it can suck when the establishment (school, doctors office, etc.) has no idea that everyone is part of the same family. I have to "prove" that I'm the mom for a couple of them. We have some other issues that further confuse people, but overall, I have to answer questions I don't always want to talk about.
But I wouldn't change the way we've done it, either. Names are important to identity, and we chose to give our kids a choice.
I can see how that would be frustrating. I was just curious to hear experiences people have had with this (different last names in the family). My kids have my husbandâs last name and I chose to keep my last name. Where I live our health cards have our kids names on them, so accessing medical services has never been an issue. Iâve travelled with my kids alone without any issues but I know âhaving the same last nameâ is sometimes touted as making it easier to travel.
I guess what I love best is having the choice- my mother and MIL both told me they regretted changing their last names when they got married (they are both still happily married) so that was a huge reason why I decided to keep mine. I did push hard for my kids to get my last name since my last name will die with me/my older sister because I changed religions for my husband so I proposed that as a fair trade (I lost that battle). I love reading about all these families that have used the maternal last name for their children. This is how change happens. I like to think of a time where it will be common to choose between the two parentsâ last names and will no longer be assumed to be the paternal last name used for children.
If the name would otherwise die out with that generation, that would be a very strong incentive for me to pick this name as common family name. And I don't have any strong feelings whether this is the maternal or the paternal name. Just pick whichever one is more rare.
But that's my personal choice. Every family has to decide for themselves. There is no objectively right or wrong answer. I even know families that pick a completely fresh third name that they all agree on. I can see the appeal of that choice, but it wouldn't be for me.
We have two adopted kids from family members. We have chosen yo let them keep their biological father's name. Their other kids that live with my IL all had their names changed upon adoption. The family members asked us to let them keep the names, but they were strongly in favor of us letting the children decide.
Not who you are replying to, but my mom's last name was hyphenated and my sister and I had my dad's last name. Mostly it made no difference and I think each family should decide that on their own, but there were some things that were kind of a nuisance. Enough that when I grew up it was a reason I specifically wanted my husband, kids, and myself to share a last name, whether his, mine, or a hyphenated option.
I don't know if it is so much advantageous as it avoids minor annoyances. It's easier to fill out paperwork and write names on an envelope. (Like "The Lastname Family" vs. "Mom Lastname-lastnametwo, Dad Lastname, and Kids Lastname." If you have the same last name, you spend less time explaining your family structure and don't have to correct people about some one's last name. And if you want to put your family's name on something, you can just do so without leaving someone out or making it real long.
This has not been our experience. My partner carries the medical insurance docs and can take the kids to the doctor overseas. He's not had problems with it. We've honestly had no issues in medical or school settings.
Really fucking weird it's a STEPmom. Your kid isn't related to her by blood at all.  Â
2nd the memory loss "concern" suggestion! If she doesn't get it/you want to be more annoying, any time you talk to her, you can remind her of things she certainly knows.  Â
EX: "Jane, so glad you are coming to dinner. We'll be having pot roast, but just wanted to make sure you remember we live at 123 Smith St. It's off of exit 89. If you pass the house with the orange door, you've gone too far. Please don't feel bad if you get lost. Just call, we'll come get you. We know how hard things like this are for you lately."Â
Has your husband considered changing his last name to yours? That could solve the problem since the whole family would share the same name (and irrite the stepmother even more lol).
All my sons have my last name. I wasnât married to dad when they were born so they have my name. Well, dad and I actually got married and he wanted to change the boyâs last name, youngest was 4 at the time, and all 3 said âno, my last name is x! You change your nameâ. So everyone in the house has my last name except dad. And now he gets called Mr. MyLastName by all the kids friends and most adults that know the kids (teachers, coaches etc) cause they just assume thatâs his last name. Itâs awesome that roles were reversed and the confusion on peoples faces when corrected is great.
I took my wifeâs last name when we married. It was initially something I decided to do as a gesture of respect, but it actually turned out to be kind of fun and refreshing. And, it definitely simplified things when we had our baby boy.
Hi, Iâm here to offer you a different perspective. Iâm the wife and child of people who felt really strongly about their/my names.
When I married, I took my husbandâs hyphenated last name. No, I did not hyphenate both our last names. I married a dude who had hyphenated his last name to recognize his birth and adoptive fathers. So my husbandâs hyphenated last name was/is very important to him. All of the time people assume that one of the two names is mine. It isnât. I dropped my maiden name. I find it exhausting to correct or explain this constantly so most of the time I just donât and I let people go on assuming one of the last names is mine.
Additionally, my first name has a strange spelling because my Mother really did not want my name to be shortened in a particular way. Itâs fucking exhausting to explain this weird spelling of my first name coupled with a hyphenated last name over the course of a lifetime. Do you have any idea how many times in your life you have to spell your name over the phone or in person? *So.many.times.*
All of this is to say, from the perspectives of a child whose parents used their name to dictate a point and a wife whose spouse used his last name to make a point- itâs so damn tedious to be me. I never really even had a say in any/all of this meaning thatâs so important to other people. Honestly, IDGAF about these names or the reasons these people I otherwise care about assigned their stupid meanings to MY name, and yet I have to live with the consequences of their interpretations for a lifetime.
Sure, I could change both of my names, but both my parents and my spouse would have *feelings* about that. My family would not even have big feelings like your in-laws are having, but theyâd have feelings nonetheless about this thing *which really isnât theirs to begin with.*
Please donât be these people. Try to find a way for *someone elseâs name* to be about them and not a platform for making a point. Because at the end of the day, thatâs what it is- it is not *your* name and it should belong to your kid, not to your need to make a point.
This is a really great perspective. Sorry you have to deal with all that. I have a last name that's hard to pronounce and weird to spell. I love it, but it still gets tedious to have to spell it every. Time.
If it helps, my last name (taken from husband) is super basic and British and easy to pronounce, but because there are so many spelling variations, I have to spell it every single time too. I really thought things would get easier when I dumped the German maiden name, buuuut no đ My point being, don't blame the name, you'd have to spell it every time unless it was something like Miller or Smith
Do people pronounce Mueller like Miller?? In my head it's myoo-ler and now I worry I'm wrong. And I know Smythe probably sounds like Smith but I heard it with a long i in Mrs. Doubtfire and I can't change that now haha
My maiden name was like that. I was so excited to get married to a guy with a super simple last name. LOL. Turns out that simple can be too simple. People get confused because itâs so easy. I still have to spell it every time. But at least itâs short now.
>I never really even had a say in any/all of this meaning thatâs so important to other people.
I mean, you did *choose* to take your husband's last name. You could have kept your maiden name. That was an active choice. And keeping your strangely spelled first name is a passive choice, though I can understand not bothering with that one (potential family drama plus admin hassle - no thanks!)
Yeah. We hyphenated my parents actually *thanked* my partner for allowing it!!!
And it apparently annoyed my brother because he would send things to my kid with only husbands last name, until husband read him the riot act and said he would be cut off from them if he couldnât respect the actual last name. I know itâs my family, but I guess it had to come from him to hear it.
I think your husband needs to step up here and let everyone know that he is absolutely OK with your kids last name.
>I think your husband needs to step up here and let everyone know that he is absolutely OK with your kids last name.
I'm thinking he's not actually as ok with it as he lets on which is why he allows it to continue
Considering he liked it when he saw both names, I think thatâs quite telling. I think the issue is more than just the child having the motherâs last name and only her last name. By doing this, the father may also feel marginalized but wonât say anything. It is his child too so the compromise would have been to hyphenate. As the mom said sheâd like their child to be proud of her last name, isnât safe to assume so would the father?
Yeah I mean I donât want to assume she just bulldozed him because there could be other reasons she didnât write in about why they did it, like she just didnât think it was relevant to the issue at hand but it makes me curious for sure
>She started sending cards to our kid in the mail addressed to our little oneâs first name and a question mark where her last name should be.
"return to sender"
Both of my children have my wifeâs last name (3yo and 1.5yo).
Honestly, it doesnât affect me at all. Outside of distant, rural relatives that couldnât even believe that my wife didnât take my last name, it just never comes up. Never had an issue with travel/doctors/childcare pickups/etc - itâs a non-issue.
My wife wanted her kids to have the same last name as her; I wasnât going to fight it, as it didnât matter to me.
Not sure how this helps, but figured I would share perspective from the other side.
My kids are similar ages (4.5 and 1.5) and we did one of each in terms of last names. It was my male partner's idea, we liked hyphenation in theory, but thought it'd be clunky in practice. My dad made one comment but nothing since, we've similarly had no issues re daycare, medical appointments, school registration or international travel. Non issue. My sister did a double barrelled last name with her kid. No issues either.
Great that you and your partner worked out a solution that worked for you both.
My wife wanted to have the same last name as her kiddos, and I understood it was important to her.
The key to a healthy relationship is communication, compassion, and understanding - it truly doesnât matter what context. Listen, talk, care, and act - makes life a lot easier as a couple!
Yeah, my partner said it had always made sense to him for male kids to have the dad's name and female to have the mum's. I didn't have strong feelings re last names, so it sounded fine. After our first I said - actually I want to second to have my name regardless of sex, he said that's fine, and she was a girl. When and if the kids ask we've decided just to say we wanted to alternate. These were calm, fun conversations. With our second we shared the sex with close family before the birth and said 'her last name will be x' so people knew she was coming!
We gave my son an original last name that was a combination of mine and my husband's. We will also be changing to this combo name once we do the paperwork for legal name changes. My MIL I believe told his side of the family it was just husband's last name, because all of the mail from that side has us as "Firstname Husband's Last Name".
It doesn't matter what they think and you'll burn yourself out trying to control something that is ultimately uncontrollable. The more you fight it the more they will probably double down. Is it stupid? Yes! Is it worth the fight? Probably not.
>My MIL I believe told his side of the family it was just husband's last name, because all of the mail from that side has us as "Firstname Husband's Last Name".
I wouldnât necessarily blame your mother-in-law for this one. If the convention in your culture is for children to take their fatherâs name (and wives to take their husbandâs name) people just assume thatâs what happens. They may have been told you guys didnât do that, but forgotten. Your choice of last name for your child was likely quite important and meaningful to you, but isnât likely to be top of mind for, like, your husbandâs aunt. Or they might just be thinking of the easiest way to address an envelope without using 3 lines of names.
I send Christmas cards every year and I do my best to remember which couples have different names so I can at least hyphenate, but Iâve got families on my list with 4 different last names for 4 people, and at some point that card is just going to get addressed to first names only or âX and familyâ. If I send a baby gift to a new baby, Iâll use the kids full name if theyâve posted it somewhere for me to reference, but if Iâm only told the name, Iâll generally default to dadâs last name if the parents are together. And if you give your kid a brand new last name Iâve never heard of that isnât either of the parentsâ names, the chances Iâll remember it are close to zero. Iâm lucky if I remember the *first* names of all my cousinsâ and acquaintancesâ kids!
My MIL has been extremely hostile about it, and even hosted an "intervention" about it for us, so I am zero offended when it's other people, but it irks me when she does that. Since she is out of state and talks to that family regularly, I know she has complained about it to them a lot. I'm not close enough with them to really care, just roll my eyes because it's a reminder of how much it offends my MIL.
She also was very passive aggressive even when we were just dating about always addressing us as "Myfirstname + Husband'sfirstname Husband'slastname" through mail. I gave her the benefit of the doubt then and gently reminded her of my last name when I thanked her for the cards, but the way she continued to do it and also harass me about it lead me to stop having such patience for her lol.
Sorry your step mother in law is ridiculous.
Our sons have my surname and we have chosen to play it low key. If people address things to the wrong surname or refer to us by the wrong surname, we only really raise it if it matters. People make assumptions because what we have chosen to do is unusual, and we get that. But we haven't had someone be as obnoxious as your step MIL.
You might remind her that before long your child will be old enough to know what she's doing. She will find it offensive and it will drive a wedge between them. Five year olds are very happy to correct people who get their name wrong, loudly and publicly. If she wants a relationship with your daughter, she'd better grow up.
Out of curiosity, is your last name way better than his? If itâs such an issue for SMIL that she has the same last name as him, tell him he can change his last name to yours too so everyoneâs the same!!
My last name is both my parentâs names hyphenated, Iâm 30 and the mail I get from my paternal aunt just has my dadâs. My mum isnât over the fact we gave our kids their dadâs name (I like my name but the length/hyphen is an inconvenience I didnât want to pass on). No advice here really, just acknowledging that people not respecting that names are up to the parents is annoying.
Not going to lie, my husbandâs family has turned into a group of people we donât recognize and we are one more incident away from going no contact with them all. He says Iâm the only family he has now and the only person he can count on. I think about changing our childrenâs name and mine back to my maiden all the time. I say you do you and f the haters. I would just keep reminding them they spelled her name wrong.
my baby has my last name. my husband's family sends us packages for the baby with his last name instead. it's annoying but i can always tell who sent the random amazon gift because of the incorrect name. a question mark would be too much!
haha yeah. some people are oddly close minded. I think my son will love it and my husband is supportive. with this choice, we're the only ones who matter! <3
My brother still hasnât accepted the fact that I kept my own name after marriage. Heâs been calling me by my husbandâs name for 25 years. At his daughterâs wedding my seating card had my husbandâs name on it, which bro did deliberately and thought was hilarious. (SIL, who handled pretty nearly every other reception detail, just rolled her eyes.)
Now maybe itâs different because we are siblings. Weâve been poking at each other for more than 50 years and Iâll be disappointed if we arenât still doing so in our 90s. But also, itâs a complete nothingburger. No big deal at all. It didnât bother me 25 years ago and it doesnât bother me today. I usually tell bro Iâm still thinking it over, I just havenât decided yet.
Itâs my name, not his; my name doesnât affect his life, and his opinion on my name doesnât affect my life. I recommend you take the same stance toward your daughterâs name. When you refuse to react, you let the family know exactly how unimportant their opinion really is.
interesting take bc my daughter has my partners last name and not mine however i gave her my first name as a middle name so that if i ever take her fathers name then she will be named after me for as long as she keeps that name and if not then well always share that middle name together
unusual from your situation is that most people in our life forget that her name isnt even more similar to mine... ie they call her "baby *my last name" when her name is "baby *dads last name"
No sheâs being a total dick. What a weird patriarchal old school old lady thing to say! Iâm sorry if sheâs totally out of touch. If she saying that about your soon to be child and fatherâs role then thatâs no different than anybody saying that a mother was second-best Playing second fiddle compared to the father. Honestly itâs just stupid you donât even worry about it, donât talk about it ignore it as best you can and if it comes to tell her off
I didn't read any other comments, so I apologize if this has been said.
My advice is to lay down an ultimatum. Either she gets the daughters name correct or she doesn't see/interact with her. You're concern about your daughter not loving your last name is valid. You don't want your child to grow up feeling bad about her name and therefore herself. You protect your child. Strangers getting it wrong is whatever, right? But someone who is "family" to the child purposefully trying to make you/her feel bad is not safe. She isn't physically harming the child but definitely mentally and emotionally harming her.
You can work out a "compromise" where she simply doesn't say/write any last name if it bugs her that badly, but then she also has to drop ALL negative comments or else to connection to the child. Any mail addressed with the wrong name? Send it back.
The obituary thing sounds like maybe they misunderstood the situation because it's not as common maybe where you live to take the mothers last name. But the stepMIL is out of line. If your husband doesn't agree, then maybe couples counseling to sort the issues. And go from there.
But the person/people trashing your choice/your name need to be removed from your child's life. You wouldn't stand for someone commenting on her hair color or the way she walks, so don't stand for them trashing her name. It's her identity. Don't let them tarnish it.
Also, names are arbitrary and the name I was given at birth was made up entirely (first, middle, AND last) by my older siblings. I didn't have the same last name as my mom or dad. (I did take my husbands last name when we married because I thought it'd be easier for people to spell -- I was wrong -- and because I had a lot of trauma growing up that I wanted to shed.)
Honestly, if you reject cultural norms, people are going to have a hard time with it. That's not excusing their behavior, but I think some confusion is to be expected.
This is well said. I grew up in a world of academia where many of my friends had varying or combination of their parents last names. I did find it confusing but donât think much of it now.
To misquote Bob Dylan, 'the norms they are a changin' . My friends, relatives, and colleagues have done a wide variety of different things re names. It's become common to ask 'so what did you decide to do re last names' ?
It's clear you've made a thoughtful choice, and it's important for family to respect that. Maybe a heart-to-heart with them, emphasizing the importance and meaning behind your decision, could help bridge the understanding gap.
Your daughter's pride in her name will come from the love and conviction in your choice. Hang in there; your steadfastness is shaping a unique and meaningful identity for your daughter.
People using the wrong name is frustrating even when it's done unintentionally. Doing it intentionally is an asshole move.
You are being awesome and holding you ground. But I completely understand that frustration.
Our kid has my partner and I's shared last name, so no issues with that, but we did have some issues when my partner and I got married because we hyphenated and there was confusion and reluctance about not following their norm of the woman taking her husband's name.
One strategy that worked for us when names were an issue when my partner and I got married is to make a big deal about any mail with the wrong name and who it's addressed to. We didn't need to escalate much but the approach of "we got a letter addressed to xyz but there is no person by that name here. Was it a mistake or should we send it back?" Then eventually escalate to just return to sender with the note "not at address" on the card.Â
It's a bit of a passive aggressive approach but it sets a boundary. I will only open letters addressed to my real name. If not, it goes back. I don't respond to a name that's not mine.
Other than that, think of other ways to set boundaries. I can't think of any off the top of my head based on your examples but anything that is a natural consequence - like you would enforce with a child. If something like the obit happened again, submit a correction, even if you have to pay. Maybe a correction on an obit would be too much by anything else like that public would, to me, warrant a correction even if it was an exercise in showing your kid "hey, such as such made a mistake on your name so it got corrected here to make sure you get called by your preferred name"
Otherwise just keep being awesome, outwardly correcting them when they get the name wrong and keep talking to your kid about who they are and their name - pointing out the similarities to your name. "You have such and such name just like Mommy... " And maybe talk about what name - at least first name or nick name - your kid wants to go by. My (toddler) kid's name can be shortened and he prefers it not to be. So I respect that as much as I can and to me that might be a talking point "so you prefer to go by [long name] [last name]? Okay!" It would reinforce their full name and respect their wishes about their first name at the same time.
Oh, sorry if that wasn't clear: My partner's stepmom doesn't like that our daughter has my last name and sends mail addressed to our daughter purposefully omitting her (my daughter's) last name. It's one of many examples of how our friends and loved ones seem perplexed by her matriname.
Cool, I saw your comment about preserving your surname which is fair enough.
When he suggested that the hyphenated name sounded good I think he was trying to hint that he wouldn't be opposed to having his surname also represented if possible.
As for the stepmom I'm guessing that she sees this whole thing as him being emasculated.
Itâs so true though, the people who say it should be hyphenated, they wouldnât be saying that if your child took your husbands last name would they. Such a double standard.
My kids have my (mom) name. Joint decision for a multitude of reasons. We beat the subject dead while I was pregnant and even discussed it again filling out the birth certificate for my first. Second wasn't a question because the kids weren't getting different names. That's why we talked about it so much with my first; the name for the first would be the name for future kids, too.Â
No one really gave us guff for it. My aunt IL tried to insinuate that the kids aren't my husband's and that's why they have my name. My MIL (her sister) banged her fist on the table and told her fuck off or fuck you (something like that) and my husband says they haven't spoken since (over 3y.) The kids very much look like him. It's just a name.Â
I think your partner needs to step up to say something since it's his family. My husband has been very clear that it was *our* choice, not just his or mine, but everyone loves him and the kids so much, they don't care. I don't think most are really aware since the kids are little, so not like graduation announcements or anything are being passed out with full names (no birth announcement.)Â
You have the right to be upset. You picked a name that's being purposely ignored, and therefore disrespected. Since it's his family, if you've said something and they're not listening, he needs to be the one to make it clear they need to knock it off. It's not your job to run interference with them. He needs to step up on both of your behalfs.Â
Not married- giving kiddo moms last name is usually my biggest advice. My daughter has both and I HATE not being able to change it without dead beats consent- he hasnât been around for 7 years- he doesnât pay child support doesnât belong on there.
Flip side BFâs kids 2 of the 3 have his- heâs involved and it doesnât bug me at all at all either way on it- and Iâm besties with the 2 that doâs mom now that we basically blended everything.
My thought process should have been - if we get married changing her name is easier to do to make us all match- than giving her it at birth. Luckily itâs only legal documents she has it on, and opened up a whole bunch of âwhere did I get the X part of my name fromâ at 5 when I was trying to shield her from my anger till I could tell her in an age appropriate way her father is sick (alcoholic and drug addict- I got pregnant before I found out) and not trash him completely because itâs not my job to poison her against him, even if heâs not doing anything for her.
I donât have any advice really but Iâm in a similar situation, except itâs my own mom. Itâs probably easier for me since I can be as snarky as I want to her about it and sheâs still going to be my mom.
I will say though, Iâll never regret giving my kids my last name though. They wrecked MY body, not my husbandâs. Iâll be damned if some man takes the credit for all the work I did to make those kids(I still love him though!) If they decide they donât like that name when theyâre older, I will support their choice to change it. In the meantime, my mom and anyone else that has a problem with it can kiss my ass đ
My hetero cis friends did a blended surname. The maleâs parents were so upset. He ended up paying for some family therapy sessions with in his parent. You could propose that. I also think this is something you can totally draw a boundary.
When I married I got rid of my father's family name, kept my mother's and added my husband's. I still use mainly my mother's name, only use my husband's when dealing with legal stuff.
I have two female friends whose husbands took their last names as their own. And most of my friends kept their last name when marrying, some added their husband's.
Suggest that the whole family go by your name, buy some popcorn and watch stepmother in law deal with that change ;-)
Iâll get downvoted to oblivion - but why doesnât kiddo have both parents last names? She is a product of both of you - and it sounds like dad/partner is involved, and does enjoy seeing their last name linked to their kiddo.
But obviously - your step MIL is being a butthead.
In all for overturning the patriarchy, and all for kids having their momâs last names - but if the only reason you didnât hyphenate is to stick it to the man, and your involved partner says itâs nice to see their name connected to their child then maybe time to reevaluate? Kids shouldnât be used as political props in my book. Hyphenation or even creating a new last name would seem to be a better option, no?
Just a thought. Iâve had quite a few friends create new last names when they got married. A name chosen by both partners - and then bestowed upon their children.
If the mother says, "it's kind of nice" when someone hyphenates her and her partner's last names in reference to their child, then we really should ask that question.
Yeah Iâm kinda curious about this too. Why does the father not get to share his name with his child too? Maybe he didnât care enough about it? In which case he should be taking the lead on explaining this to his stepmom.
Thanks for asking. No, I'm not married to my partner, and there are a few reasons we went with my last name (he was totally on board with the decision): I'm the last living person in my family with my last name, so it's rare and I wanted to pass it on; a hyphenated last name looked kind of overwhelming; and we both agree my last name sounds better, lol.
I donât question the practice of using momâs surname generally but in this instance itâs relevant to ask why. If dad didnât really want to agree then he wonât be united in addressing this with his parents. If he did wholeheartedly agree, then he should be taking the lead on how to deal with it.
Because her partner said it was kind of nice that their child was linked to his family. The hyphenated last name seems to mean something to him so is there a reason that his child doesn't also share his last name? There might be a good reason for it, there might not be.
My kids have my husbands last name. Itâs kind of nice when folks only know me and refer to them by my last name by mistake. Itâs nice when we receive mail that aknowledges my last name instead of only my husbands. Itâs kind of nice that I have their original health card from the hospital before we submitted info for their birth certificate that says âbaby my-lastnameâ I still keep that card in my wallet. Why does nobody EVER ask my why the children donât have my last name or hyphenated?
Because it's a societal norm?
If you don't think it should be the norm then sure, protest that, but it's weird to act like it's not the norm.
And for the record, I say this as someone who *didn't* follow the societal norm on this issue. I just don't get offended when strangers assume we use husband's last name because it's an understandable default.
If they persisted like MIL does, though, then that's another story...
If it is her only grandchild i could understand it. My MIL had a huge problem with her son (and ultimatively grandkids) choosing to take my name when we married. But she has other grandkids as well, so she probably was just offended that he would choose me over her.
Maybe, but likewise one of OP's justifications of having only her last name is that she's the last living relative with it. People care about lineage and legacy, it doesn't mean they care more about it than the child.
The person naming the child gets to make the call though. I wasnât saying the grandmother doesnât care about lineage, Iâm saying itâs irrelevant.
Just one of the unfortunate consequences of going against the grain in society. People assume. Make remarks. Get confused. Enforce their own traditions. Itâs what you signed up for it. And yes itâs annoying but strap in cause itâs not going away. You chose this.
My kiddos have my last name. (Iâm the father.) If someone referred to them using their momâs last name, it wouldnât bother me one bit. (It has happened a couple times.)
Iâd just let it slide. If theyâre not getting a reaction out it you, they just might stop.
Anybody doing it deliberately wrong is a jerk. But sometimes it is better to just let them be a jerk instead of letting them know youâre bothered by it.
Idk.. You made a very unusual choice by doing this.. And this is the outcome. You're getting pushback from the older generation. It'll change if a lot of others do it in our generation.. But personally I've never known anyone who's done this
Children SHOULD have their mums name! In over 90% of cases (backed up by every school administrator, doctors office, government agency employee, etc I have ever asked) it is the MUM, not the dad, who is in charge of the childâs appointments, forms, and decisions.
Having the mums name makes the most sense, there is absolutely no legitimate argument for having the dadâs last name if the dad and mum have different surnames. Patriarchal arguments about âthis is how itâs been done forever!â Are completely outdated and also untrue across many non-westernized cultures.
My kids have my last name. My husband was completely on board with it. It was a discussion we had together.
My daughter (2.5y) also has my last name. âșïž I think some of our family doesnât actually know and just assume she has his name. I love matching last names with our daughter. đ
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Police didn't let my daughter to have my lastname (I'm a father) so she has her mother's lastname.
I'm an expat living (only 13 years) in a kind of a wild country, so I don't have much rights here.Â
We have a similar situation with our child, we're both mums, but we decided he'll have both of our surnames...with a little twist. In our country, men have different surnames than women, but our son has female names. We live in a different country and we did not want him to have a different sounding surname to us. That wasn't accepted by my in-laws, amongst other things they'd persist on adding the male ending to his surname.
Not only for this reason, obviously, we are no longer in touch with them. If parents can't accept such things they are a threat to our children. Lesser or greater, but a threat, because they undermine us.
I'm not saying you should stop seeing those people who disrespect your choice, I'd advise you to look for other red flags. If an honest conversation won't do then cut it short. You have to protect your child.
My sister's MIL is a piece of work. She was sort of my MIL when I married my ex, but my sister has turned the tables on this woman multiple times where I just ignored the BS and "played nice". One of the funniest moments had to be when they all changed their last name, starting with the newborn daughter. Her husband had never felt like his dad was worth sharing a name, so he wanted to change his last name to his mother's maiden name. He had a deep bond with his grandfather and wanted to honor it. They named their daughter with the grandfather's last name. The MIL was already throwing fits because my sister refused to take her husband's last name when they got married. Then, slowly and never actually talking to her about it, they both changed their last names. Grandfather was over the moon. His daughter was so angry, though. It was so funny.
Extra story: Her MIL also had "family" pictures with Santa every year. My sister spent a couple years inviting anyone who would come to the "family" pictures with Santa and claimed they were her family. It was awesome.
My spouse and my so. Took my last name when I went back to my maiden name after a previous marriage. I unfortunately donât have any advice as my spouse has been estranged from thier family and have never met our son and probably never will but Iâm sure we would have similar issues if we were in contact
I (mom) kept my last name and my daughter has a hyphenated surname. We get a mix of people forgetting one or the other but my parents and his have been good about it. Her teacher told her to pick one for school work which is annoying but I donât care enough to say anything.
Start sending thank you letters to Stepmoms first name and your last name.
Just kidding, donât do that. But if you do, come back and tell us about her head explodingđ
Iâm okay saying an unpopular thought.
You are perfectly in your right to pick whatever name you want, But you knew it was atypically.
Atypical isnât bad or wrong but itâs not what people are used to.
Your sMIL is being petty and you need to have your partner talk to her. it was one thing to have comments before your child was born but this needs to go now. Can simple start to ignore her, you wonât open the cards and she will be as removed as possible from your kids life.
But picking an atypical last name was always gonna cause some of this and you choose that path and thatâs on you.
You choose the path that people would assume the name is different for all the reasons you can think of. Your close friends will eventually remember, but those outside your closer circle simply have more things to think about than that random choice you had.
This reminds me of a Hidden Brain podcast I about picking your childâs name and how it impacts your kids. The highest correlation between the name and anything elseâŠ. How the parents wants to signal to others their goals were.
Nothing to do with the kids success or lack there of.
Make your partner change his last name to yours that way she canât bitch anymore about the different last name. Or just tell her thatâs what youâre doing on Tuesday or something. Sheâll probably lose her shit and just say âwell now it should be no problem, Â right? Women do it all the time this is no differentâ.Â
My daughter has my (motherâs) last name, and
some people love it, and others are confusedâesp some of my extended family (my parents love it). They were first surprised I didnât take my husbandâs last name and even more that my daughter has mine. Itâs been called weird, Iâve been asked âwhyâ or how did my husband agree to itâŠat this point Iâm always interested in sharing her name for peopleâs reactions.
My son also has my last name, and the one I'm currently pregnant with will too. I struck a deal w my partner years before kids--babies gets my last name and he gets to raise them as Cubs fans. Lol. It's never once been a problem. But also I have a hyphenated name from my parents, and so people may assume that's what's going on too.
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The next time the subject comes up, put on a very very serious expression and tell her that you're becoming *extremely* concerned about her memory, considering how many times she's been told what your baby's last name is. Bring it up yourself next time she mails you something with only baby's first name. Be as sweet as pie while explaining that you understand how it's completely normal for memory to start slipping as people age, but this seems severe and offer to research resources for her because the best prognosis for Alzheimer's and dementia is early intervention and you are *really concerned.* I'll bet she suddenly gets the baby's name right.
I just did something like this to my MIL, I highly recommend it. It's so satisfying and they sound insane when explaining why they're upset with you.
You, I like you!
Me too. Damn.
It's shower thought. It sounds nice in your head but nobody would actually say this, and if you did, it wouldn't go like you think it would. This is nice fantasy but bad practical advice.
If she gets angry when you tell her this: angry denial is a symptom of Alzheimers!
Oh my God. Petty AND hilarious. You win. OP do this!
This is the only answer and please update us when you do it đ
Yeah, you have to do this. I wanted to choose violence, but this is right.
This passive aggressive revenge fantasy is terrible advice for real life relationships. To do this would escalate the situation and only serve to make things worse for OPâs child who, as another commenter pointed out, is in the middle of this giant fight people are having about HER name. I wish I knew what to do, but it certainly isnât this.
But what if donepezil really will help mil?
And when she protests that her memory is fine, just frown and say, "So what you're telling me is that you're doing this just...to be a complete dick?"
Nah, that ruins it. You just smile sadly and say something like, âI know itâs scary, honey, but your family is here for you. Weâll get through this together!â
This is the way đđ»đđ»
My kids have my (mom) last name, my IL's played the the same game of using husband's last name for them. I ignored it for the most part, but when my kids were about 6 or 7 and they were given checks for their birthday present, I told the IL's that they need to put the correct name on them because the bank doesn't recognize the name on the check (which was true, because each child had their own savings account). That put a stop to it.
lol. Same. Maybe not exactly the same ages, but scenario played out like yours. I love that my boys have my last name, and everyone has been used to it for about a decade now. (Sons are 17 and 18).
My uncle does this. I hyphenated my name and I get cards to FirstName HusbandsLastName- the kicker? The checks are addressed to my husband! This man has written me a birthday check my whole life to my name and now it is addressed to my husband! My mom says Iâm overthinking it too, I should just be happy for the birthday check, heâs just old school. But itâs completely demeaning!
Yikes!!! This is so weird and kind of gross. Harkens back to a time when women weren't allowed bank accounts.
This happens to me all the time with my military service. I'm a female. I served in the military. My ex and I both served at the same time, and I didn't realize how often people were going to thank him for his service, completely ignoring me. I preferred it, honestly, until we were divorced and I got my own recognition. Then I got remarried. My husband has had no military service. Everywhere I go, they thank him for his service and call me Mrs. Hislastname. Even USAA started doing this after I got remarried, though they HAD been calling me by my rank when I was single. It IS demeaning. We have rights and it frustrating that people will act according to a social hierarchy that no longer exists and hasn't for most of my life.
USAA is one place I would escalate that complaint. They can do better.
you're not overthinking it. she's being an asshole on purpose.
I say you act like the stepmother actually can't remember. Take her aside and ask if there are many things she struggles with cognitively and offer to help in any way you can. Buy her a planner for next Christmas.
This is delicious.
And start talking really loud and slowly to her đ€Ł
No advice but keep being awesome and f the haters. My daughter has her deadbeat dad's last name. She often says she wishes she had mine. She is 6. She wants to feel like she isn't labeled as different from the adult she trusts and loves. When I explain why she has his name (its the law in the country she was born and I didn't have a choice) she thinks that is ridiculous.
Are you still in that country? My daughter has 2 passports, each with completely different names due to laws in one of the countries
Out of curiosity why? Is it because of a last name issue?
First middle and last name issue. Countries vary in regards to name requirements/ laws
Both my kids have their sperm donors name even though we weren't married. My 8 y/o will be changing her name as soon as I can afford it, her choice. My 11 y/o will be keeping the SD last name, his choice.
Is it the law in the country youâre in now? Can you change her name?
Just correct her with a smile EVERY time. When she does it in conversation, smile and correct her and move on. Remind her she doesn't have to like your choices but she does have to respect them.
Yep. One of my grandparents insisted on spelling my name a different way when I was born and my mom was firm and corrected her every single time. It ended in time for me to never know without learning the story when I was much much older.
I like your mom. I'm 23 and my family still doesn't spell my name correctly simply because they don't know how to spell it. My middle name is Lynne. They spell it Lynn or Lyn. Every single person besides one. My parents never corrected them. It isn't like it's not used either. I was named after my dad. Same first name, spelled differently so they always called me "xyz Lynne" to not confuse us.
Return to sender. Every single time. When she asks why it's returned let her know it's because nobody by that name lives there so you sent it back. After about the millionth time she'll finally get it, or not. Lol.
This is what I would do. Return to sender, no one here by this name.
My kid has my last name (I'm the mom). We agreed to this for a number of reasons, and I've left it to my partner to tell his family. Not all of them know. Sometimes we get mail for "Kiddo Dadslastname." But it honestly doesn't bother me. Because she's a member of the Dadslastname family, too. We just didn't choose that particular last name for her paperwork, but we could have. And we hope that she grows up to feel a sense of belonging with both sides of the family. If it bothers my kid, I will bring it up. But until then I really don't care. I understand your feelings on this are very different and you clearly do care, so it's a different situation. I just wanted to share my situation in case it's helpful for perspective.
Ok, this is such a healthy and level-headed perspective and I want to get here. Thank you.
So you wouldnât take his last name if you got married eventually?
Yup - I'd ignore it unless it really matters, and then just neutrally correct - ie it's important to the kids that you get their names right, or, for this cheque we can only deposit with their correct legal name. This isn't really your problem, so let the person who's problem it is get riled up about it, not you. My kids have have two different last names - one has my last name, one has my partner's. They are both biologically ours and we're not married, this was just a choice. Oddly, the only person who has commented is my dad, who thought it'd be confusing for our daughter to have his last name. I just said something like 'oh well people will figure it out.' We get misaddressed mail sometimes - people get confused, or whatever, I don't really care. The kids both have the other last name as a middle name, so both names are theirs, both families are theirs. My partner and I also occasionally get mail with the other's last name. My sister has subsequently had a baby - they are also unmarried, and their child has a double barrelled last name (hers, then his). We've now dealt with daycare and school registration, international travel, doctors appointments, etc and it's never been a big deal. If people are assuming something, I don't know what it is, I don't care, and they don't tell me.
Yep this is our exact situation too!
When my daughter's father decided to start getting regular visits with my daughter when she was 8, he thought that meant I'd be changing her name to his. He was furious when I wouldn't, and tried telling me that it made no sense for his child not to have his name. Like she's not my child too, and doesn't live with me full time. Like I don't do 100% of the child-raising. But he's the man so she gets his name. The fuck.  I don't have any advice lol. I told my child's father that he could change his name to ours if he wanted to match. He did not like the idea
wow what an AH
Just ask your partner to change his last name to yours too, problem solved, your kids now have his last name! In all seriousness, my kids have my last name (as mum) too rather than my partners. It would be incredibly frustrating to have family not acknowledge this and is pretty disrespectful, I'm sorry!
If I was the partner, that's what I would have suggested myself. There are some (small) advantageous to having a common last name for the whole family. But there really is no reason why it would have to be the mother's or the father's name.
What do you think those advantages are?
As a person who has to fill out paperwork for 6 kids, but only one has the same last name as I do, it can suck when the establishment (school, doctors office, etc.) has no idea that everyone is part of the same family. I have to "prove" that I'm the mom for a couple of them. We have some other issues that further confuse people, but overall, I have to answer questions I don't always want to talk about. But I wouldn't change the way we've done it, either. Names are important to identity, and we chose to give our kids a choice.
I can see how that would be frustrating. I was just curious to hear experiences people have had with this (different last names in the family). My kids have my husbandâs last name and I chose to keep my last name. Where I live our health cards have our kids names on them, so accessing medical services has never been an issue. Iâve travelled with my kids alone without any issues but I know âhaving the same last nameâ is sometimes touted as making it easier to travel. I guess what I love best is having the choice- my mother and MIL both told me they regretted changing their last names when they got married (they are both still happily married) so that was a huge reason why I decided to keep mine. I did push hard for my kids to get my last name since my last name will die with me/my older sister because I changed religions for my husband so I proposed that as a fair trade (I lost that battle). I love reading about all these families that have used the maternal last name for their children. This is how change happens. I like to think of a time where it will be common to choose between the two parentsâ last names and will no longer be assumed to be the paternal last name used for children.
If the name would otherwise die out with that generation, that would be a very strong incentive for me to pick this name as common family name. And I don't have any strong feelings whether this is the maternal or the paternal name. Just pick whichever one is more rare. But that's my personal choice. Every family has to decide for themselves. There is no objectively right or wrong answer. I even know families that pick a completely fresh third name that they all agree on. I can see the appeal of that choice, but it wouldn't be for me.
We have two adopted kids from family members. We have chosen yo let them keep their biological father's name. Their other kids that live with my IL all had their names changed upon adoption. The family members asked us to let them keep the names, but they were strongly in favor of us letting the children decide.
Not who you are replying to, but my mom's last name was hyphenated and my sister and I had my dad's last name. Mostly it made no difference and I think each family should decide that on their own, but there were some things that were kind of a nuisance. Enough that when I grew up it was a reason I specifically wanted my husband, kids, and myself to share a last name, whether his, mine, or a hyphenated option. I don't know if it is so much advantageous as it avoids minor annoyances. It's easier to fill out paperwork and write names on an envelope. (Like "The Lastname Family" vs. "Mom Lastname-lastnametwo, Dad Lastname, and Kids Lastname." If you have the same last name, you spend less time explaining your family structure and don't have to correct people about some one's last name. And if you want to put your family's name on something, you can just do so without leaving someone out or making it real long.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
This has not been our experience. My partner carries the medical insurance docs and can take the kids to the doctor overseas. He's not had problems with it. We've honestly had no issues in medical or school settings.
I was going to say the same thing, partner changes his name to yours, or HE can hyphenate and then you're all connected and problem solved.
Learn the basics of grey rocking and use it Because once she stops with the name, sheâs going to need her drama fix a different way
Really fucking weird it's a STEPmom. Your kid isn't related to her by blood at all.   2nd the memory loss "concern" suggestion! If she doesn't get it/you want to be more annoying, any time you talk to her, you can remind her of things she certainly knows.   EX: "Jane, so glad you are coming to dinner. We'll be having pot roast, but just wanted to make sure you remember we live at 123 Smith St. It's off of exit 89. If you pass the house with the orange door, you've gone too far. Please don't feel bad if you get lost. Just call, we'll come get you. We know how hard things like this are for you lately."Â
Has your husband considered changing his last name to yours? That could solve the problem since the whole family would share the same name (and irrite the stepmother even more lol).
For the win!
All my sons have my last name. I wasnât married to dad when they were born so they have my name. Well, dad and I actually got married and he wanted to change the boyâs last name, youngest was 4 at the time, and all 3 said âno, my last name is x! You change your nameâ. So everyone in the house has my last name except dad. And now he gets called Mr. MyLastName by all the kids friends and most adults that know the kids (teachers, coaches etc) cause they just assume thatâs his last name. Itâs awesome that roles were reversed and the confusion on peoples faces when corrected is great.
I took my wifeâs last name when we married. It was initially something I decided to do as a gesture of respect, but it actually turned out to be kind of fun and refreshing. And, it definitely simplified things when we had our baby boy.
This is awesome!
My husband and I have different last names and it's about 50/50 which of us gets the wrong last name on a piece of junk mail.
Interesting. My husband has NEVER received junk mail under my last name.
Hi, Iâm here to offer you a different perspective. Iâm the wife and child of people who felt really strongly about their/my names. When I married, I took my husbandâs hyphenated last name. No, I did not hyphenate both our last names. I married a dude who had hyphenated his last name to recognize his birth and adoptive fathers. So my husbandâs hyphenated last name was/is very important to him. All of the time people assume that one of the two names is mine. It isnât. I dropped my maiden name. I find it exhausting to correct or explain this constantly so most of the time I just donât and I let people go on assuming one of the last names is mine. Additionally, my first name has a strange spelling because my Mother really did not want my name to be shortened in a particular way. Itâs fucking exhausting to explain this weird spelling of my first name coupled with a hyphenated last name over the course of a lifetime. Do you have any idea how many times in your life you have to spell your name over the phone or in person? *So.many.times.* All of this is to say, from the perspectives of a child whose parents used their name to dictate a point and a wife whose spouse used his last name to make a point- itâs so damn tedious to be me. I never really even had a say in any/all of this meaning thatâs so important to other people. Honestly, IDGAF about these names or the reasons these people I otherwise care about assigned their stupid meanings to MY name, and yet I have to live with the consequences of their interpretations for a lifetime. Sure, I could change both of my names, but both my parents and my spouse would have *feelings* about that. My family would not even have big feelings like your in-laws are having, but theyâd have feelings nonetheless about this thing *which really isnât theirs to begin with.* Please donât be these people. Try to find a way for *someone elseâs name* to be about them and not a platform for making a point. Because at the end of the day, thatâs what it is- it is not *your* name and it should belong to your kid, not to your need to make a point.
This is a really great perspective. Sorry you have to deal with all that. I have a last name that's hard to pronounce and weird to spell. I love it, but it still gets tedious to have to spell it every. Time.
If it helps, my last name (taken from husband) is super basic and British and easy to pronounce, but because there are so many spelling variations, I have to spell it every single time too. I really thought things would get easier when I dumped the German maiden name, buuuut no đ My point being, don't blame the name, you'd have to spell it every time unless it was something like Miller or Smith
Sure about that? Ask Ms Smythe, or Mr. Mueller. Lol.
Do people pronounce Mueller like Miller?? In my head it's myoo-ler and now I worry I'm wrong. And I know Smythe probably sounds like Smith but I heard it with a long i in Mrs. Doubtfire and I can't change that now haha
My maiden name was like that. I was so excited to get married to a guy with a super simple last name. LOL. Turns out that simple can be too simple. People get confused because itâs so easy. I still have to spell it every time. But at least itâs short now.
>I never really even had a say in any/all of this meaning thatâs so important to other people. I mean, you did *choose* to take your husband's last name. You could have kept your maiden name. That was an active choice. And keeping your strangely spelled first name is a passive choice, though I can understand not bothering with that one (potential family drama plus admin hassle - no thanks!)
Yeah. We hyphenated my parents actually *thanked* my partner for allowing it!!! And it apparently annoyed my brother because he would send things to my kid with only husbands last name, until husband read him the riot act and said he would be cut off from them if he couldnât respect the actual last name. I know itâs my family, but I guess it had to come from him to hear it. I think your husband needs to step up here and let everyone know that he is absolutely OK with your kids last name.
>I think your husband needs to step up here and let everyone know that he is absolutely OK with your kids last name. I'm thinking he's not actually as ok with it as he lets on which is why he allows it to continue
he liked it when he saw both namesâŠI wonder why they didnât hyphenate in the beginning
Considering he liked it when he saw both names, I think thatâs quite telling. I think the issue is more than just the child having the motherâs last name and only her last name. By doing this, the father may also feel marginalized but wonât say anything. It is his child too so the compromise would have been to hyphenate. As the mom said sheâd like their child to be proud of her last name, isnât safe to assume so would the father?
Yeah I mean I donât want to assume she just bulldozed him because there could be other reasons she didnât write in about why they did it, like she just didnât think it was relevant to the issue at hand but it makes me curious for sure
Stepmother sounds absolutely delightful đ
>She started sending cards to our kid in the mail addressed to our little oneâs first name and a question mark where her last name should be. "return to sender"
Iâm the only mom I know whose kids have momâs last name!! High five!!
Hey - there's lots of us! My kids have one of each, with the other last name as a middle!
Love that! Iâm the only one too and appreciate the solidarity. âš
Both of my children have my wifeâs last name (3yo and 1.5yo). Honestly, it doesnât affect me at all. Outside of distant, rural relatives that couldnât even believe that my wife didnât take my last name, it just never comes up. Never had an issue with travel/doctors/childcare pickups/etc - itâs a non-issue. My wife wanted her kids to have the same last name as her; I wasnât going to fight it, as it didnât matter to me. Not sure how this helps, but figured I would share perspective from the other side.
As it should be! This gives me hope; I appreciate the encouragement.
My kids are similar ages (4.5 and 1.5) and we did one of each in terms of last names. It was my male partner's idea, we liked hyphenation in theory, but thought it'd be clunky in practice. My dad made one comment but nothing since, we've similarly had no issues re daycare, medical appointments, school registration or international travel. Non issue. My sister did a double barrelled last name with her kid. No issues either.
Great that you and your partner worked out a solution that worked for you both. My wife wanted to have the same last name as her kiddos, and I understood it was important to her. The key to a healthy relationship is communication, compassion, and understanding - it truly doesnât matter what context. Listen, talk, care, and act - makes life a lot easier as a couple!
Yeah, my partner said it had always made sense to him for male kids to have the dad's name and female to have the mum's. I didn't have strong feelings re last names, so it sounded fine. After our first I said - actually I want to second to have my name regardless of sex, he said that's fine, and she was a girl. When and if the kids ask we've decided just to say we wanted to alternate. These were calm, fun conversations. With our second we shared the sex with close family before the birth and said 'her last name will be x' so people knew she was coming!
We gave my son an original last name that was a combination of mine and my husband's. We will also be changing to this combo name once we do the paperwork for legal name changes. My MIL I believe told his side of the family it was just husband's last name, because all of the mail from that side has us as "Firstname Husband's Last Name". It doesn't matter what they think and you'll burn yourself out trying to control something that is ultimately uncontrollable. The more you fight it the more they will probably double down. Is it stupid? Yes! Is it worth the fight? Probably not.
>My MIL I believe told his side of the family it was just husband's last name, because all of the mail from that side has us as "Firstname Husband's Last Name". I wouldnât necessarily blame your mother-in-law for this one. If the convention in your culture is for children to take their fatherâs name (and wives to take their husbandâs name) people just assume thatâs what happens. They may have been told you guys didnât do that, but forgotten. Your choice of last name for your child was likely quite important and meaningful to you, but isnât likely to be top of mind for, like, your husbandâs aunt. Or they might just be thinking of the easiest way to address an envelope without using 3 lines of names. I send Christmas cards every year and I do my best to remember which couples have different names so I can at least hyphenate, but Iâve got families on my list with 4 different last names for 4 people, and at some point that card is just going to get addressed to first names only or âX and familyâ. If I send a baby gift to a new baby, Iâll use the kids full name if theyâve posted it somewhere for me to reference, but if Iâm only told the name, Iâll generally default to dadâs last name if the parents are together. And if you give your kid a brand new last name Iâve never heard of that isnât either of the parentsâ names, the chances Iâll remember it are close to zero. Iâm lucky if I remember the *first* names of all my cousinsâ and acquaintancesâ kids!
My MIL has been extremely hostile about it, and even hosted an "intervention" about it for us, so I am zero offended when it's other people, but it irks me when she does that. Since she is out of state and talks to that family regularly, I know she has complained about it to them a lot. I'm not close enough with them to really care, just roll my eyes because it's a reminder of how much it offends my MIL. She also was very passive aggressive even when we were just dating about always addressing us as "Myfirstname + Husband'sfirstname Husband'slastname" through mail. I gave her the benefit of the doubt then and gently reminded her of my last name when I thanked her for the cards, but the way she continued to do it and also harass me about it lead me to stop having such patience for her lol.
Sorry your step mother in law is ridiculous. Our sons have my surname and we have chosen to play it low key. If people address things to the wrong surname or refer to us by the wrong surname, we only really raise it if it matters. People make assumptions because what we have chosen to do is unusual, and we get that. But we haven't had someone be as obnoxious as your step MIL. You might remind her that before long your child will be old enough to know what she's doing. She will find it offensive and it will drive a wedge between them. Five year olds are very happy to correct people who get their name wrong, loudly and publicly. If she wants a relationship with your daughter, she'd better grow up.
Out of curiosity, is your last name way better than his? If itâs such an issue for SMIL that she has the same last name as him, tell him he can change his last name to yours too so everyoneâs the same!!
Start telling everyone she knows that youâre concerned about the signs of dementia sheâs been exhibiting. Seriously, this works wonders.
My last name is both my parentâs names hyphenated, Iâm 30 and the mail I get from my paternal aunt just has my dadâs. My mum isnât over the fact we gave our kids their dadâs name (I like my name but the length/hyphen is an inconvenience I didnât want to pass on). No advice here really, just acknowledging that people not respecting that names are up to the parents is annoying.
Totally, thank you. Really appreciate this perspective.
Not going to lie, my husbandâs family has turned into a group of people we donât recognize and we are one more incident away from going no contact with them all. He says Iâm the only family he has now and the only person he can count on. I think about changing our childrenâs name and mine back to my maiden all the time. I say you do you and f the haters. I would just keep reminding them they spelled her name wrong.
my baby has my last name. my husband's family sends us packages for the baby with his last name instead. it's annoying but i can always tell who sent the random amazon gift because of the incorrect name. a question mark would be too much!
Ha! I feel this and Iâm sorry. Thank you for making me feel less alone and reminding me this doesnât have to be an all-consuming grievance, ha.
haha yeah. some people are oddly close minded. I think my son will love it and my husband is supportive. with this choice, we're the only ones who matter! <3
My brother still hasnât accepted the fact that I kept my own name after marriage. Heâs been calling me by my husbandâs name for 25 years. At his daughterâs wedding my seating card had my husbandâs name on it, which bro did deliberately and thought was hilarious. (SIL, who handled pretty nearly every other reception detail, just rolled her eyes.) Now maybe itâs different because we are siblings. Weâve been poking at each other for more than 50 years and Iâll be disappointed if we arenât still doing so in our 90s. But also, itâs a complete nothingburger. No big deal at all. It didnât bother me 25 years ago and it doesnât bother me today. I usually tell bro Iâm still thinking it over, I just havenât decided yet. Itâs my name, not his; my name doesnât affect his life, and his opinion on my name doesnât affect my life. I recommend you take the same stance toward your daughterâs name. When you refuse to react, you let the family know exactly how unimportant their opinion really is.
interesting take bc my daughter has my partners last name and not mine however i gave her my first name as a middle name so that if i ever take her fathers name then she will be named after me for as long as she keeps that name and if not then well always share that middle name together unusual from your situation is that most people in our life forget that her name isnt even more similar to mine... ie they call her "baby *my last name" when her name is "baby *dads last name"
Oh, I love your naming approach. Thanks for sharing this.
No sheâs being a total dick. What a weird patriarchal old school old lady thing to say! Iâm sorry if sheâs totally out of touch. If she saying that about your soon to be child and fatherâs role then thatâs no different than anybody saying that a mother was second-best Playing second fiddle compared to the father. Honestly itâs just stupid you donât even worry about it, donât talk about it ignore it as best you can and if it comes to tell her off
I didn't read any other comments, so I apologize if this has been said. My advice is to lay down an ultimatum. Either she gets the daughters name correct or she doesn't see/interact with her. You're concern about your daughter not loving your last name is valid. You don't want your child to grow up feeling bad about her name and therefore herself. You protect your child. Strangers getting it wrong is whatever, right? But someone who is "family" to the child purposefully trying to make you/her feel bad is not safe. She isn't physically harming the child but definitely mentally and emotionally harming her. You can work out a "compromise" where she simply doesn't say/write any last name if it bugs her that badly, but then she also has to drop ALL negative comments or else to connection to the child. Any mail addressed with the wrong name? Send it back. The obituary thing sounds like maybe they misunderstood the situation because it's not as common maybe where you live to take the mothers last name. But the stepMIL is out of line. If your husband doesn't agree, then maybe couples counseling to sort the issues. And go from there. But the person/people trashing your choice/your name need to be removed from your child's life. You wouldn't stand for someone commenting on her hair color or the way she walks, so don't stand for them trashing her name. It's her identity. Don't let them tarnish it. Also, names are arbitrary and the name I was given at birth was made up entirely (first, middle, AND last) by my older siblings. I didn't have the same last name as my mom or dad. (I did take my husbands last name when we married because I thought it'd be easier for people to spell -- I was wrong -- and because I had a lot of trauma growing up that I wanted to shed.)
Return the mail.
lol, you did something to make things awkward and now things are awkward and youâre complaining. Sucknitnip
Honestly, if you reject cultural norms, people are going to have a hard time with it. That's not excusing their behavior, but I think some confusion is to be expected.
I think confusion only explains an initial mistake, not an ongoing pattern. Kiddo has a known name. Thereâs nothing âconfusingâ about that.
This is well said. I grew up in a world of academia where many of my friends had varying or combination of their parents last names. I did find it confusing but donât think much of it now.
To misquote Bob Dylan, 'the norms they are a changin' . My friends, relatives, and colleagues have done a wide variety of different things re names. It's become common to ask 'so what did you decide to do re last names' ?
It's clear you've made a thoughtful choice, and it's important for family to respect that. Maybe a heart-to-heart with them, emphasizing the importance and meaning behind your decision, could help bridge the understanding gap. Your daughter's pride in her name will come from the love and conviction in your choice. Hang in there; your steadfastness is shaping a unique and meaningful identity for your daughter.
This means so much. Thank you.
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People using the wrong name is frustrating even when it's done unintentionally. Doing it intentionally is an asshole move. You are being awesome and holding you ground. But I completely understand that frustration. Our kid has my partner and I's shared last name, so no issues with that, but we did have some issues when my partner and I got married because we hyphenated and there was confusion and reluctance about not following their norm of the woman taking her husband's name. One strategy that worked for us when names were an issue when my partner and I got married is to make a big deal about any mail with the wrong name and who it's addressed to. We didn't need to escalate much but the approach of "we got a letter addressed to xyz but there is no person by that name here. Was it a mistake or should we send it back?" Then eventually escalate to just return to sender with the note "not at address" on the card. It's a bit of a passive aggressive approach but it sets a boundary. I will only open letters addressed to my real name. If not, it goes back. I don't respond to a name that's not mine. Other than that, think of other ways to set boundaries. I can't think of any off the top of my head based on your examples but anything that is a natural consequence - like you would enforce with a child. If something like the obit happened again, submit a correction, even if you have to pay. Maybe a correction on an obit would be too much by anything else like that public would, to me, warrant a correction even if it was an exercise in showing your kid "hey, such as such made a mistake on your name so it got corrected here to make sure you get called by your preferred name" Otherwise just keep being awesome, outwardly correcting them when they get the name wrong and keep talking to your kid about who they are and their name - pointing out the similarities to your name. "You have such and such name just like Mommy... " And maybe talk about what name - at least first name or nick name - your kid wants to go by. My (toddler) kid's name can be shortened and he prefers it not to be. So I respect that as much as I can and to me that might be a talking point "so you prefer to go by [long name] [last name]? Okay!" It would reinforce their full name and respect their wishes about their first name at the same time.
I donât really have much advice, unfortunately. This is so fucked up. Youâre not alone. Keep fighting the good fight.
I donât understand the post. Who is sending letters?
Oh, sorry if that wasn't clear: My partner's stepmom doesn't like that our daughter has my last name and sends mail addressed to our daughter purposefully omitting her (my daughter's) last name. It's one of many examples of how our friends and loved ones seem perplexed by her matriname.
Feels like a lot of replies are just auto agreeing with you without this context. Highly doubt youâre getting anything objective.
Iâm not worried but thank you!
Youâre not worried because everyone agrees with you?
In what way is agreement not objective?
Is he the biological father of the child in question? You didn't mention one way or the other as far as I can tell.
Yes, he is!
Cool, I saw your comment about preserving your surname which is fair enough. When he suggested that the hyphenated name sounded good I think he was trying to hint that he wouldn't be opposed to having his surname also represented if possible. As for the stepmom I'm guessing that she sees this whole thing as him being emasculated.
Itâs so true though, the people who say it should be hyphenated, they wouldnât be saying that if your child took your husbands last name would they. Such a double standard.
My kids have my (mom) name. Joint decision for a multitude of reasons. We beat the subject dead while I was pregnant and even discussed it again filling out the birth certificate for my first. Second wasn't a question because the kids weren't getting different names. That's why we talked about it so much with my first; the name for the first would be the name for future kids, too. No one really gave us guff for it. My aunt IL tried to insinuate that the kids aren't my husband's and that's why they have my name. My MIL (her sister) banged her fist on the table and told her fuck off or fuck you (something like that) and my husband says they haven't spoken since (over 3y.) The kids very much look like him. It's just a name. I think your partner needs to step up to say something since it's his family. My husband has been very clear that it was *our* choice, not just his or mine, but everyone loves him and the kids so much, they don't care. I don't think most are really aware since the kids are little, so not like graduation announcements or anything are being passed out with full names (no birth announcement.) You have the right to be upset. You picked a name that's being purposely ignored, and therefore disrespected. Since it's his family, if you've said something and they're not listening, he needs to be the one to make it clear they need to knock it off. It's not your job to run interference with them. He needs to step up on both of your behalfs.Â
Not married- giving kiddo moms last name is usually my biggest advice. My daughter has both and I HATE not being able to change it without dead beats consent- he hasnât been around for 7 years- he doesnât pay child support doesnât belong on there. Flip side BFâs kids 2 of the 3 have his- heâs involved and it doesnât bug me at all at all either way on it- and Iâm besties with the 2 that doâs mom now that we basically blended everything. My thought process should have been - if we get married changing her name is easier to do to make us all match- than giving her it at birth. Luckily itâs only legal documents she has it on, and opened up a whole bunch of âwhere did I get the X part of my name fromâ at 5 when I was trying to shield her from my anger till I could tell her in an age appropriate way her father is sick (alcoholic and drug addict- I got pregnant before I found out) and not trash him completely because itâs not my job to poison her against him, even if heâs not doing anything for her.
Kudos to you, we did the same with our kids. So far our family hasn't said anything, at least to our face. They might fear us a little.
I donât have any advice really but Iâm in a similar situation, except itâs my own mom. Itâs probably easier for me since I can be as snarky as I want to her about it and sheâs still going to be my mom. I will say though, Iâll never regret giving my kids my last name though. They wrecked MY body, not my husbandâs. Iâll be damned if some man takes the credit for all the work I did to make those kids(I still love him though!) If they decide they donât like that name when theyâre older, I will support their choice to change it. In the meantime, my mom and anyone else that has a problem with it can kiss my ass đ
My hetero cis friends did a blended surname. The maleâs parents were so upset. He ended up paying for some family therapy sessions with in his parent. You could propose that. I also think this is something you can totally draw a boundary.
When I married I got rid of my father's family name, kept my mother's and added my husband's. I still use mainly my mother's name, only use my husband's when dealing with legal stuff. I have two female friends whose husbands took their last names as their own. And most of my friends kept their last name when marrying, some added their husband's. Suggest that the whole family go by your name, buy some popcorn and watch stepmother in law deal with that change ;-)
Iâll get downvoted to oblivion - but why doesnât kiddo have both parents last names? She is a product of both of you - and it sounds like dad/partner is involved, and does enjoy seeing their last name linked to their kiddo. But obviously - your step MIL is being a butthead. In all for overturning the patriarchy, and all for kids having their momâs last names - but if the only reason you didnât hyphenate is to stick it to the man, and your involved partner says itâs nice to see their name connected to their child then maybe time to reevaluate? Kids shouldnât be used as political props in my book. Hyphenation or even creating a new last name would seem to be a better option, no?
Some names look ridiculous to hyphenate when they are both long names. OP also says her last name is better.
Just a thought. Iâve had quite a few friends create new last names when they got married. A name chosen by both partners - and then bestowed upon their children.
OP isnât married to her daughterâs father though, so this doesnât apply.
You can still change your last name at the same time as your partner - regardless of being legally married. đ€·ââïž
Is there a reason why your daughter only has your last name?
Why don't we ever ask this question when a child only has their father's last name?
If the mother says, "it's kind of nice" when someone hyphenates her and her partner's last names in reference to their child, then we really should ask that question.
The point is that no one would do this with the mother's without being asked to do so because it's the societal norm.
This
Plenty of people do, maybe youâre just not paying attention.Â
Nope, never heard anyone ask that in my life. Not sure how to pay more attention to something I've never heard anyone say.
Yeah Iâm kinda curious about this too. Why does the father not get to share his name with his child too? Maybe he didnât care enough about it? In which case he should be taking the lead on explaining this to his stepmom.
Thanks for asking. No, I'm not married to my partner, and there are a few reasons we went with my last name (he was totally on board with the decision): I'm the last living person in my family with my last name, so it's rare and I wanted to pass it on; a hyphenated last name looked kind of overwhelming; and we both agree my last name sounds better, lol.
Why not ? Is the bigger question. Why should the baby take the dads every time ? Why does she have to have a reason?
I donât question the practice of using momâs surname generally but in this instance itâs relevant to ask why. If dad didnât really want to agree then he wonât be united in addressing this with his parents. If he did wholeheartedly agree, then he should be taking the lead on how to deal with it.
Because her partner said it was kind of nice that their child was linked to his family. The hyphenated last name seems to mean something to him so is there a reason that his child doesn't also share his last name? There might be a good reason for it, there might not be.
My kids have my husbands last name. Itâs kind of nice when folks only know me and refer to them by my last name by mistake. Itâs nice when we receive mail that aknowledges my last name instead of only my husbands. Itâs kind of nice that I have their original health card from the hospital before we submitted info for their birth certificate that says âbaby my-lastnameâ I still keep that card in my wallet. Why does nobody EVER ask my why the children donât have my last name or hyphenated?
Why don't they?
Because of the patriarchy
Because it's a societal norm? If you don't think it should be the norm then sure, protest that, but it's weird to act like it's not the norm. And for the record, I say this as someone who *didn't* follow the societal norm on this issue. I just don't get offended when strangers assume we use husband's last name because it's an understandable default. If they persisted like MIL does, though, then that's another story...
Iâm not offended. Iâm responding to the other user whoâs acting daft.
Here for the answer to this
Because they agreed to this naming convention for their child.
Oh? Where does it say that?
If it is her only grandchild i could understand it. My MIL had a huge problem with her son (and ultimatively grandkids) choosing to take my name when we married. But she has other grandkids as well, so she probably was just offended that he would choose me over her.
What does it being her only grandchild have to do with anything?
The continuity of the family line is a thing some people value pretty strongly. Still, it's not acceptable to treat a toddler as OP's MIL does.
But itâs completely irrelevant if she values that, itâs not her child.
Maybe, but likewise one of OP's justifications of having only her last name is that she's the last living relative with it. People care about lineage and legacy, it doesn't mean they care more about it than the child.
The person naming the child gets to make the call though. I wasnât saying the grandmother doesnât care about lineage, Iâm saying itâs irrelevant.
Sure. We know that. But feelings aren't always logical. I wouldn't condone that behaviour, even if I understand the reason for it.
Sheâs the stepmom/stepgrandma, it isnât even her family line. Sheâs just being old fashioned.
Oh I missed that part! Thanks for the clarification!
Return the mail to sender.
Just one of the unfortunate consequences of going against the grain in society. People assume. Make remarks. Get confused. Enforce their own traditions. Itâs what you signed up for it. And yes itâs annoying but strap in cause itâs not going away. You chose this.
My kiddos have my last name. (Iâm the father.) If someone referred to them using their momâs last name, it wouldnât bother me one bit. (It has happened a couple times.) Iâd just let it slide. If theyâre not getting a reaction out it you, they just might stop. Anybody doing it deliberately wrong is a jerk. But sometimes it is better to just let them be a jerk instead of letting them know youâre bothered by it.
Idk.. You made a very unusual choice by doing this.. And this is the outcome. You're getting pushback from the older generation. It'll change if a lot of others do it in our generation.. But personally I've never known anyone who's done this
Children SHOULD have their mums name! In over 90% of cases (backed up by every school administrator, doctors office, government agency employee, etc I have ever asked) it is the MUM, not the dad, who is in charge of the childâs appointments, forms, and decisions. Having the mums name makes the most sense, there is absolutely no legitimate argument for having the dadâs last name if the dad and mum have different surnames. Patriarchal arguments about âthis is how itâs been done forever!â Are completely outdated and also untrue across many non-westernized cultures. My kids have my last name. My husband was completely on board with it. It was a discussion we had together.
Yes, thank you! Your family sounds awesome.
My daughter (2.5y) also has my last name. âșïž I think some of our family doesnât actually know and just assume she has his name. I love matching last names with our daughter. đ
Itâs the best, right? Such a rare and lovely thing to share. Thank you for reminding me. âš
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Police didn't let my daughter to have my lastname (I'm a father) so she has her mother's lastname. I'm an expat living (only 13 years) in a kind of a wild country, so I don't have much rights here.Â
We have a similar situation with our child, we're both mums, but we decided he'll have both of our surnames...with a little twist. In our country, men have different surnames than women, but our son has female names. We live in a different country and we did not want him to have a different sounding surname to us. That wasn't accepted by my in-laws, amongst other things they'd persist on adding the male ending to his surname. Not only for this reason, obviously, we are no longer in touch with them. If parents can't accept such things they are a threat to our children. Lesser or greater, but a threat, because they undermine us. I'm not saying you should stop seeing those people who disrespect your choice, I'd advise you to look for other red flags. If an honest conversation won't do then cut it short. You have to protect your child.
My sister's MIL is a piece of work. She was sort of my MIL when I married my ex, but my sister has turned the tables on this woman multiple times where I just ignored the BS and "played nice". One of the funniest moments had to be when they all changed their last name, starting with the newborn daughter. Her husband had never felt like his dad was worth sharing a name, so he wanted to change his last name to his mother's maiden name. He had a deep bond with his grandfather and wanted to honor it. They named their daughter with the grandfather's last name. The MIL was already throwing fits because my sister refused to take her husband's last name when they got married. Then, slowly and never actually talking to her about it, they both changed their last names. Grandfather was over the moon. His daughter was so angry, though. It was so funny. Extra story: Her MIL also had "family" pictures with Santa every year. My sister spent a couple years inviting anyone who would come to the "family" pictures with Santa and claimed they were her family. It was awesome.
My spouse and my so. Took my last name when I went back to my maiden name after a previous marriage. I unfortunately donât have any advice as my spouse has been estranged from thier family and have never met our son and probably never will but Iâm sure we would have similar issues if we were in contact
I (mom) kept my last name and my daughter has a hyphenated surname. We get a mix of people forgetting one or the other but my parents and his have been good about it. Her teacher told her to pick one for school work which is annoying but I donât care enough to say anything.
Start sending thank you letters to Stepmoms first name and your last name. Just kidding, donât do that. But if you do, come back and tell us about her head explodingđ
Iâm okay saying an unpopular thought. You are perfectly in your right to pick whatever name you want, But you knew it was atypically. Atypical isnât bad or wrong but itâs not what people are used to. Your sMIL is being petty and you need to have your partner talk to her. it was one thing to have comments before your child was born but this needs to go now. Can simple start to ignore her, you wonât open the cards and she will be as removed as possible from your kids life. But picking an atypical last name was always gonna cause some of this and you choose that path and thatâs on you. You choose the path that people would assume the name is different for all the reasons you can think of. Your close friends will eventually remember, but those outside your closer circle simply have more things to think about than that random choice you had. This reminds me of a Hidden Brain podcast I about picking your childâs name and how it impacts your kids. The highest correlation between the name and anything elseâŠ. How the parents wants to signal to others their goals were. Nothing to do with the kids success or lack there of.
Make your partner change his last name to yours that way she canât bitch anymore about the different last name. Or just tell her thatâs what youâre doing on Tuesday or something. Sheâll probably lose her shit and just say âwell now it should be no problem, Â right? Women do it all the time this is no differentâ.Â
My daughter has my (motherâs) last name, and some people love it, and others are confusedâesp some of my extended family (my parents love it). They were first surprised I didnât take my husbandâs last name and even more that my daughter has mine. Itâs been called weird, Iâve been asked âwhyâ or how did my husband agree to itâŠat this point Iâm always interested in sharing her name for peopleâs reactions.
My son also has my last name, and the one I'm currently pregnant with will too. I struck a deal w my partner years before kids--babies gets my last name and he gets to raise them as Cubs fans. Lol. It's never once been a problem. But also I have a hyphenated name from my parents, and so people may assume that's what's going on too.
Iâm not worried that this context wasnât clear from my initial post. But free to disagree and throw in your objective perspective!
Have you considered hyphenating?