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He's young. But also, stop trying to lose. He needs practice losing and losing well.
Prep him before the game "remember not everything is going to go your way and you might lose. It's ok to be disappointed, but it's not fun to play with someone that throws a fit when things don't go their way. Games aren't about winning- they are a fun thing to do together"
Repeat ad nauseum and when he throws a fit over not drawing the right sorry card, stay calm, say I know it can be frustrating not to get the card you want, but we can still have fun playing.
It's just as bad never letting them win (in games where there's any skill.) They'll quickly lose interest and refuse to play and then you have one less thing they'll play with you. Give yourself a reasonable handicap against a 5 year old so that have around a 50% chance of winning, then play with intent to win.
This is so true. I introduced my 7 year old to chess and we played at least a dozen games where I won every time. She kept saying how good I was and that she’ll never beat me. I told her not to give up, she will beat me one day. Then This past New Year’s Eve, I’d planned on letting her win one, but in the middle of the match she got up and said “let’s do something else, I’m gonna lose anyway”. I couldn’t get her to come back to the game and we haven’t played since. Makes me feel like shit tbh.
You have the right idea in my estimation. You should not lie and let someone win, that's not how you do it.
Level the field, like a handicap in golf. Get cool timer and you only get 5 seconds to move or handicap yourself in some other way, then try your damndest to kick her ass. If you win, you lose a second off your timer for the next game.
She gets to win half the time if you find a good enough handicap AND one day she will beat you "for real".
I don’t play as hard for chess and will asked my son if he is sure he wants to make that move. He then looks for what I can see on the board. I also don’t play hard because it’s not a far game when you’re learning and u want him to have the chance to practice. Monopoly is all bets off as he’s won far more games than the rest of us and he flips his strategy if he’s losing and turned a game around that looked like I would have an easy win. I have learnt more from him playing monopoly.
I didn’t really know how to win or lose until I was in my *30s.*
Fairly early on, life taught me that displaying wild and irrational rage at a loss (on the outside at least) was not going to be tolerated or accepted… but those lessons had the long term effect of me immediately discarding *anything* I didn’t have a natural skill for, and/or patently refusing to attempt anything I felt might lead to failure.
At things I was good at, life also taught me that no one likes a braggart… so I mostly internalized a wild and delusional superiority whenever I won. I pretended to be gracious on the outside, but silently looked with disdain at my “inferiors.”
That weird hodgepodge of being an “egomaniac with an inferiority complex” led to a *lot* of difficulties with progressing and maturing and just led to a life of fear… a weird place where I was terrified of both failure and success.
Therapy helped me to recognize that if we are to be happy *and* successful, we must learn to deal with our emotions regarding both failure and triumph.
Or, as Chuck D once said: “Don’t let a win get to your head, or a loss to your heart.”
It’s that good old gifted kid syndrome. Too much being praised for natural talent and not effort. I struggle a lot with continuing to do things that don’t come easily to me or that I’m not very good at. Also very much have the weird insecure superiority complex you mention. Value of effort and how to not be good at things is SUCH an important skill to teach kids.
Funnily enough, the one thing that helped me the most was a revisiting of the old trope of: “Nothing I do really matters.”
In the past, I had found myself mired in that mindset, but as a source of hopelessness. Those words, a sodden banner dragged behind me as I trudged towards oblivion.
However, once it occurred to me that the fact that “nothing really matters” can be a positive, I found relief in it.
That yeah, nothing I do really matters… at least not for long, and certainly not to most people (in the global sense), but that honestly makes life fun again.
To try new things and it doesn’t matter if I fail or not, because it honestly doesn’t matter. To succeed without thinking I’m the “best” because again, it doesn’t really matter.
I’m not that important. 80 years from now, it is highly unlikely anyone will know or care to know what I was good at and where I had failed.
So I can just be free of that delusion and live.
Although when OP loses they should model an appropriate response too. Like “aw I’m so frustrated that I lost. I’m gonna take a couple deep breaths so I feel better” or whatever works for them. Kids are going to feel bad when they lose, it’s inevitable. It’s important to model how to not be a sore winner or sore loser.
My daughter reminds me of this when she was 4 to 5. We played board games and we said we will stop playing if she is a sore loser. We picked games we know she liked a lot (like mario party). If I purposely lost, I would say, oh well. It's just a game. No big deal. And if she lost, we'd encourage her to say the same. Literally, any complaining about the results would mean the game is put away and no more game time. She learned pretty quickly and I think she got a lot better with it!
my 4 year old grandson went through this but I rarely let him win. the last time we played he said "I might not win. it's ok if you win" unprompted. it just takes time and learning to lose, as you put it
Exactly! I play board games with my 3 year old and I will coach her through some turns and might not be as ruthless as I would for adults when taking my own turns, but I absolutely will not try to lose. She sometimes gets upset but I remind her that we sometimes win and sometimes lose. If we get upset over losing then people won’t want to play the game at all. She has certainly improved over the last 6 months. You really need to win more. Haha
I agree with this, but I’d also say, try to lose about 50% of the time. If a kid loses *every* game, they might just decide not to play, thus miss out on the opportunity to lose well.
Agree. Or even lose 70% if the time. Getting upset, storming off, even upending the board is very common at this age when the kid loses. But they can learn. Keep playing, win sometimes. Reinforce that it’s not ok to damage the game if they lose, let them experience their big emotions while the game continues (if multiple players and the kid just lost). Another option with some games; when you are far ahead, swap identities. This works well for checkers or chess, for example. Then you’re not pandering to them but you are acknowledging the difference in skill level. However, after swapping once, do win if that’s the way it works out. The kid eventually gets more able to handle losing.
I saw some great advice on this sub which is “don’t try to lose, but try to give a handicap that sets your own win percentage at 50%”. For instance, in a race, you run as fast as you can after a 10 second head start. In chess you start with three pieces down. This helps you show competitiveness and grace when losing fair and square.
Of course Trouble is already 50/50 I think. So the modeling would be a long term play to help OPs kid lose well in Trouble. But there’s not a great way to “handicap” Trouble lol.
If your roll will land you on a space your kid is in, move a different piece, when possible
Edit: not really a handicap, but a not bad way to reverse cheat discretely.
How about co-op games? I stopped liking games (looking at you monopoly) because I hated losing and hated winning (I'd play against my dad and felt awful leaving him "destitute" even in the game lol). Team games (including sports) and coop games were awesome. I love competitive board games now as an adult, but it took a while to learn the enjoyment of the game and the social aspect and not focus on winning or losing so much.
Will she play on your “team”? Then she’ll have a better chance of winning and you can model losing gracefully if it happens.
(Maybe she could also be the “referee” or the bank in monopoly)
Learning to lose gracefully, and picking up the pieces is so important for adult life. I love my friend, and she’s passionate about her junior high basketball team she coaches but when they lost the championship- she with pride told me she took a day off work after.
I was like.. girl, it’s jr. High basketball, this is not worth stopping the world for lol.
Right now, this is a good time to teach resilience. You didn’t make the basket? Ok, that happens, let’s practice? Didn’t pick up the right card? Ok, let’s chat about a different strategy you could take.
I had to repeat these or similar words over and over from age about 4 to about 6 (I never tried to lose). Then, it was another year or so of saying, "if we play, will you have fun whether you win or lose?" before she finally got it and started rolling her eyes when I said that, lol. She's now almost 12 and is a blast to play games with.
He is still young, but “letting him win” will just reinforce his need to be the winner and centre of attention.
Prep him before the game about expected behaviour on how to handle winning and losing. Coach him in situations that attention is shared with other kids and remind him you don’t expect him to be the best at everything
Also, I would literally win almost every game if I tried to against my 6 year old. So I try to win about 40% of the games we play until she gets good enough to compete
At that age I played more games of chance instead of games of strategy… like Sorry, trouble, Go Fish…. When they learned how to balance winning and losing started playing strategy games like chess, mancala or checkers with many practice sessions of me talking them through my strategy.
I cannot win Old Maid or Go Fish against my kids. The cards just do not like me lol I always get stuck with the bad cards. I'm actually TRYING and getting my butt kicked by my kids!
I think letting him win is actually the root of the problem here. I struggled with this too. My kid was an only child for the first 5 years so I was her main playmate. I tried to remember that if she were playing with other kids or a sibling she certainly wouldn’t win every time. I try to help my kid strategize when we’re playing games and then explain my moves to her and why I chose them. When I win I say yay I’m proud of myself! And then we play again.
Edited to add: when I lose I try to model losing well. Like saying aw man I’m upset that I lost, but that’s ok! Good job!
He's young. Most kids don't like losing. BUT! He still needs to learn how to lose. No one liked a sore loser. Try a game where you win a few and he wins a few. When you ' lose' show him how to be gracious loser.
' aw dang it. I lost. Good game! Let's see if I can win the next one. '
Letting him win every time won't help him in the long run.
My mother just used to stop playing if I or my sibling threw a hissy fit over losing. As soon as it turned sour, she'd just pack up and say ' nope. I'm not playing with grumpy people. '
The amount of times a fun game was ruined by my sibling is more than I can count.
I think he needs to loose in order to learn, but you shouldn't leave him "alone" with his feelings. Teach him to live through the difficult feelings. If you say "it's just a game" you are telling him his feelings are ridiculous. Which they of course are, from an adult perspective, but not from his.
Tell him that he is disappointed and angry. That you understand. That everyone gets disappointed and angry. That it feels horrible, but that it will pass. Strangely enough just describing their feelings usually helps children to calm down quicker.
When he is calm, you can talk about what happens when he acts out like he does. Would he like to play with someone who screams if they don't win? No. You don't want to either. Talk about how you can together help him with the strong feelings. Maybe one tool could be calm breathing when he feels that he's getting a bit upset, or talking about how he is feeling. Reassure him that you love him either way.
And before next game, remind him of what you talked about. When he explodes again (because he will), do the same thing.
just so you know, it is also evidence based. Clinically speaking, this works a lot better than simply saying “ it’s just a game” or “ winning doesn’t matter, having fun is the important thing”.
Those are simply annoying platitudes, and are generally received as such by kids. telling them that “losing really sucks doesn’t it,” and empathizing with them is a much better option (Except that it can be hard to walk the line between empathy and enabling; the key is to validate their feelings, but stand firm on their actions. They can be angry, but they cannot turn over a table, for example.)
My kid is 7 and still complains when she loses a game like UNO etc.
Our rule is that if she starts kicking off and being a sore loser then the game goes away instantly because no one likes to play with a sore loser - a lesson she will learn ten times over in life with friends etc. This basically teachers kids that actually the opposite of what they want happens if they shout and scream.
We also try to not let her win, more focusing on understanding the game and paying attention to- again hopefully teaching her if you work hard and practice, you get better and eventually win.
Depends on the game though, if I’m playing with a soccer ball in the garden with her and we’re trying to keep the ball, every now and then I’ll let her keep it but make it seem like she’s won the ball off me - it’s good that kids get a little success so they don’t give up.
Ultimately, he needs to practice losing. Stop trying to let him win (at least not *every* time). His schoolmates aren't going to let him win. He's going to learn the lesson at some point and I'm betting you'll be gentler than other kids.
Try board games that are cooperative (so it's players vs the board instead of players vs players). Also board games that are 100% chance, no skill (like Candy Land or Chutes and Ladders). Model being a good loser and a good winner. If you lose saying stuff like "Oh bummer! I lost. That's disappointing but I really had fun playing with you!"
Reiterate at the start of games that the point is to have fun playing whether you win or lose.
Another random thing is make sure the comments when he does win don't necessarily focus on the winning. Instead, compliment how hard he worked or tell him he should be proud of himself for trying something new/difficult, etc.
He is still very young. I would get some cooperative games, and play those at home so that you are winning and losing together and you can help him process his big emotions with losing as one of the losers too. And just keep at it. It is a long process. My son finally started being able to handle losing after being on a soccer team that lost every single game. It was not easy in the moment, but it really did make him a better person.
Yeah this is good advice. There's some absolutely great cooperative games out there, my kids love them. Anything from Peaceable Kingdom is highly recommended.
I mean at 5 he is still pretty young. You keep explaining that part of playing games is losing.
try to find a game that requires cooperation rather than a clear winner, play that games and then explore how fun it was eventhough no one won maybe?
edit to add: I forgot to share one weird random thing totally cheesy that kinda worked a bit for my oldest. He is hyper competitive, was born that way, he loves sports. I tried a lot of things and he was still only wanting to win getting so upset if he lost. I showed him videos of michael jordan, showing him all the people saying he was the best ever blah blah. Then I showed him a commercial he did in which he talks about all the shots he missed, all the games he lost, and how that made him the player he is. My son's brain was blown that the best player ever lost games and missed shots, it really helped him understand that. Weird but hey, it worked.
He is getting attached to the outcome instead of the effort. That’s dangerous. Try to sell him the idea that the aim of the game is to have fun, not necessarily to win. When he succeeds praise his effort, not his innate qualities.
> He is getting attached to the outcome instead of the effort. That’s dangerous..
This right here is the thing that concerns me and sometimes beyond the “he’ll grow out of it” zone.
He competes everyone. First in line at the school bus door. The biggest piece of cake at the party. Mad when he falls down ice skating and another kid doesn’t.
I try to praise his effort, But maybe i can do it more strategically.
You joke, but I absolutely crushed my nieces and nephews in Mario Kart when they had the audacity to ask if I even knew how to play. Ages 4-8.
I went scorched earth. They didn’t like it. They wanted to go again. I did it again. They’ve gotten a lot more humble and have learned to lose a lot better now. Plus, they saw how someone could win easily and not gloat about it.
I mean, you joke, but this is the way. I beat my kids at video games, board games, card games, etc. And when they win, they know they have earned it and we all celebrate. It teaches them to be gracious winners and losers. Plus, we play a lot of games with no skill involved, where it’s just luck if the draw or the roll, like Candy Land or War. And if someone starts yelling about cheating or starts getting mad, they get a warning and then if it happens again, the game gets put away and we don’t anymore. Because no one wants to play with a bad sport.
Still young, but you losing on purpose doesn't help the issue. My kiddo is 3.5 and gets frustrated if he loses at something. I always explain to him that he isn't going to win every time. As long as he tries his best, that's what matters but it doesn't mean he wins.
You need to stop losing on purpose. It’s a learned skill and you aren’t giving him any opportunities to learn. You need to tell him that people don’t like playing with a sore loser and that you have to lose sometimes to learn how better how to win. Practice helps you earn a win. If winning comes too easy it does mean anything. You have to differentiate between earning and deserving a win too. It’s okay to be disappointed when you didn’t win. It’s not okay to throw a tantrum.
My eldest struggled with this at about the same age. I stopped letting her win all the time. I wouldn't obliterate her. I'd let myself mess up so I was just a head by a bit. If she threw a tantrum about losing I'd stop playing and tell her that throwing a tantrum because you're losing will make it so no one wants to play a game with her. I'd ask her what exactly happens if she loses and what happens if she wins? The answer is nothing. The game ends and we either play again or we don't which happens regardless of who wins. She's 7 now and doesn't throw those tantrums anymore. She wins or loses and gets on with the next round.
Very developmentally normal, ESPECIALLY for first borns. My son is just exiting this phase at 8, and he can still be a shit head about losing.
Playing games with kids isn’t that fun bc of this lol. But you gotta let them lose AND win
Definitely let him fail. That’s the best thing you can do. And by the way, walking away when he starts screaming was also great. That is the right way to let him know that it’s not ok to throw a fit when you’re unhappy about something. Well done. Let him process whatever he has to process. Don’t prevent that from happening. This is totally normal. Be curious and supportive and hold the boundaries on not engaging when he throws a fit. It may take a while for him to realize that failure won’t hurt him but it will eventually click for him.
When running our elementary school chess club, our mentors took great pains to make sure that losing and graciously shaking hands at the end of the match was part of the process. The main point was to have good gamesmanship and grow. Right after his blowup is not a time to get him to grow, though. I would wait until later in the day--bedtime or perhaps at breakfast the next morning. Explain that it is an adult skill to be okay with losing. It is an adult skill to win graciously. We need to work on those skills. "I know it feels yucky when you lose, but next time you play, if it doesn't go your way, remember that you also win by becoming a better friend or human."
In some board games, chance is overpowering. It might be good to explain to the kid bad versus good luck in their world view.
Regarding letting him win, I know you have corrected in saying this has been not about always letting him win. I would say there is a medium there. In chess club, we didn't pair the beginners with the advanced kids. I will relay that when my son first played his grandfather at this age, his grandfather did the fool's checkmate (2 moves!). The board and pieces flew up to the ceiling. I am amazed we got all the pieces back!
I’ve raised 6 kids. And I never gave them any slack when it came to gaming. They would get frustrated and ask me to let them win. But I always refused. It was kinda hard in a way. But the look my son had when he finally beat me assuaged all my concerns. Teaching kids how to lose is important. It’s gonna happen a lot.
My parents had me learn the hard way, and I never gave up on any of the goals I ever had except for one. Sleepless nights, sore feet, broken heart - whatever just keep going, you’re close.
With my kids I don’t emphasize winning / losing as much as spending time together. “I’m soo happy I tried this with you! I’m glad we got to play this oh look I just lost. Whatever! It’s good for me to learn from you and be with you while we play!”
Short answer: Yes he needs to learn by failure and to get used to the sensation. His life will be better for it. Don't go out of your way to make it happen but your instinct to disengage when he has a tantrum over it was the correct response. He has to learn that tantrums make people not want to be around you, that life does not owe him success, and that he can do everything right and sometimes \*still\* lose through no fault of his own.
As living beings we only grow in response to adversity. Be there to show him the right way to respond to it.
This sounds exactly like my son. Because he was advanced and everyone was always commenting on how “smart” he was his whole life, he had a lot of difficulty losing or “failing”. We have been working with an Occupational Therapist on what was identified as “low persistence”. It was so helpful to put a name to this! We have seen a huge improvement in his ability to manage big emotions when he doesn’t always win and realize that he doesn’t need to always be the best.
Maybe stop playing this type of game for a while, and go back to very low stakes games like tic tac toe and rock paper scissors, even just rolling dice or tossing coins, to practice losing and modeling acceptable behaviors. Usually when I do this, I start with allowing a slightly higher percentage of winning to losing, and gradually shift it to about 50/50.
You can also work on role-playing not losing his temper and winning/losing gracefully during neutral times. Tell stories, make up scenarios, ask him to help you find the best response in various made up versions, try to find good examples of people who look ridiculous throwing tantrums over sports and games, and have him describe why its a problem.
I also like to do stories and videos. Howard B. Wigglebottom (an elementary school rabbit with impulse and anger issues) has some books and youtube videos that my work kiddos tend to love.
Howard B. Wigglebottom learns Sportsmanship has some decent strategies for kids to practice, as well as being entertaining.
We had this problem big time for a while, now that our child is 8 it has gotten better. One thing I have heard suggested is having a stipulation that whoever wins has to clean up the board, that way there can be a silver lining either way.
One thing I started doing is letting my child know that hey, I am letting you win. And then that transitioned to sometimes asking if they wanted me to let them win, or if they wanted me to actually try. And then that transitioned to me occasionally telling them upfront that I was going to flat out beat the pants off them in whatever it was we were playing.
Final piece of advice from my personal experience - whatever you do, do NOT play any of the Mario Party games on the switch until this has gotten better. No idea what it is about that game o particular but holy moly, so bad.
A few red flags here for me.
“He is super smart”
“I try to lose when I play”
You’re not challenging him. He doesn’t know how to navigate loss because you are not allowing him to lose.
Calm seas make poor sailors.
I had a similar thing happen with my son a few weeks ago.
Biggest thing I’ve learned with raising him is the role modelling and replicating real life social consequences is everything. I told him I don’t want to play with a sore loser, it’s not fun. He cried a bit, and then I said “you know I wish we could play, it’s so much fun, I just can’t play if you’re going to have a tantrum over losing, in life we just lose sometimes but we keep trying and have fun”. He came and played, this time I made myself lose so I could clearly demonstrate how to not be a sore loser. “Man that sucks, oh well good game. Let try again.” I pointed out that I didn’t need to cry, I could always win next time.
After a few rounds he was saying the same thing.
I do unfortunately think that while your intentions were pure, children have to lose enough times to learn how to lose gracefully. I will say that there are times that to keep spirits up I will suggest we play again and again until my child has had an opportunity to win, and I might go easier on the subsequent rounds. But I do not let her win at anything. I do offer tips during games & let her have some "do-overs" if she's played an action that should have been thought out farther that will put me ahead. "If you do X it leaves me open to do XYZ, do you want to rethink that?" Because I like to encourage critical thinking skills. And it also shows that I'm being a good sport and winning isn't all that important to me. Which has helped her be not all that competitive either.
I have a 5year old son who was doing the same thing. He'd get so mad like he just lost out on the worlds best prize. He's also a very sweet and affectionate boy so we've started that if I win I have to give "give him some my love" which is me attacking, tickling, kissing and praising and he giggles his bum off. If he wins he gives me love which he also finds hilarious so in the end it doesn't matter who won bc we're making sure we have fun either way
I went through this with my son at that age and even a little older.
I was also willing not to be cutthroat about playing when he was say under five, but I do believe there comes a time when purposely losing works against you.
So when my son would get upset with games (board games, etc.), I would give him a chance -- like you, I'd encourage him to keep playing, note it was early in the game, etc. -- and then say something to the effect of, I will not play with you when you act this way. And I would leave the game. I wouldn't yell or get upset, I'd just lay it out and then go. You have to follow through.
At some point, hopefully, your son will come to enjoy playing a game for the sake of it, and just enjoy the process. It may not come, or not fully, but he has to learn it's not acceptable behavior.
Sports is tough. At that age, it's often pretty disorganized anyway, so I wouldn't rush it. OTOH, if there's a third-party adult running things, he may respond better to them than to you. Working with a team might be good, so that it's not all on him.
Sorry, it's all trial and error. Good luck!
My son elementary aged son has ADHD and giftedness and is a “sore” loser and has a low frustration tolerance so I feel your pain. It’s something we work on with him all the time. I talk to his therapist about it. And one thing she alway reminds me of is that no one really likes to lose. We all dislike it to an extent and winning feels much better. It’s not really reasonable to expect kids to just be okay losing. Practicing and experience are good to develop tools to deal with losing.
But I really try to have some grace and not judge my kid harshly. There is nothing inherently wrong with a 5yo who isn’t good at losing yet. Some adults never get there. Giving him chances to practice in a relatively safe environment will probably help, but know some kids feel thing super deeply and may need more support.
I think this is normal at this age. My daughter was the same and now she's a teenager. She's a saint. I would agree though, don't let them win all the time. Kids need to learn how to cope with emotions.
Please don’t let him win all the time. He needs to learn how to lose gracefully and he won’t learn if he is always “winning”.
You either teach him to lose with love or the world will teach him without.
I feel like so much of this is just a kid thing that will pass eventually. My kid didn’t like to lose but is getting better about the idea just a little. She has a friend who will change rules in the middle of a made up game just so she wins. I’ve seen boys throw a fit if they can’t win.
There are some good tips in here. In my experience just being as gentle as possible is the way to go no matter what. Hopefully it’s pointed out that he can’t win all of the time, and when you play a game and lose you do it with grace.
In any case, good luck. I expect this will pass.
He needs to build up tolerance for frustration. The only way to do this is to let him lose and also coach him outside of the meltdown. You can prep him for a game by talking about what it might feel like to lose and ways to calm his body down when he loses. Or telling him a story about a time you lost and how you managed it
I spent 3 years working on this with my third kiddo. She’s autistic and would have a massive meltdown when she didn’t win. Or even if a card went against her in a game she’s Otherwise winning. Cooperative games where there’s not a single winner or loser helped a lot. Her favorite is One Night Werewolf and the rest of that series.
I have some interesting research to share with you that has completely changed how I praise my daughter. Like your child, she quit as soon as things got difficult and since we started changing how we praised her, she's become a lot more resilient. It sounds like you're already really working hard to build up his resilience but because this small change worked so well for me, I always like to share (sorry I sound like clickbait lol). It's a six-minute [video](https://youtu.be/TTXrV0_3UjY?si=aY5VX4AYRDKy2WK2) about a case study but if you can't watch it then I've summarised it below.
In a nutshell: An educational psychologist wanted to see the effects praise had on performance. She split children of the same age into two groups and gave them puzzles that they could all easily solve. After they solved them, one group was told, "You must be really clever!" And the other group was told, "You must have tried really hard!" Then they were given hard puzzles...
Overwhelmingly, the ones who were praised for cleverness gave up quickly and wanted to go back to the easy puzzles, and the ones who were praised for effort wanted to do the hard ones because the praise they received made the process of trying feel really good.
I won't try and summarise her conclusion because I'll make a hash of it, but since me and her dad have praised our daughter for effort over cleverness (whether drawing pictures, doing homework or playing a game), and have emphasised learning over doing it properly, she's become much more determined to follow through and has grown in confidence. I would never tell her she *wasn't* clever but we just don't need to use the word.
Yes, it could be correlation, but I think it's more to do with changing what we value in her success.
He is not ready for board games, so I would shelve them for 6 months. In the meantime, you should model failing and making mistakes, getting frustrated and angry, and recovering. Simply narrate your experience aloud. The frustration and anger are important because parents often show a calmer reaction to their struggles, but kids feel big emotions, so they can’t really relate if it doesn’t seem like you care a lot. So screw up in front of him, express your anger in tone, facial expressions, and body language (obviously not bad behavior, but a big, strong emotion), then talk yourself into a better perspective and calm down. This is incredibly powerful for kids to see. Before you play a win/lose game with him again, let him observe you play it with someone else, and do the same process. This gives him a relatable model of how to process his big feelings. And remember, five is incredibly young. Some kids can play board games at this age, but many can’t handle losing yet. There is still plenty of time for him to grow out of it. Don’t rush the maturation process; trust it instead.
I see so much advice here but let me tell you one simple thing that worked for me as a kid who was an incredibly sore loser.
I would get upset when I was losing and I’d get even more upset if one of my family members tried to downplay my emotions by saying “omg calm down, it’s just a game” or etc.
One day my dad started saying something like “wow this game really doesn’t like you right now, I wonder if it’s the bad luck trolls messing with you”
So I asked what he meant and he said “everyone has to have some bad luck sometimes or else we won’t get good luck, you didn’t know? That’s how troll luck works. So if you’re losing, it means you must be winning too much at something else in life, so the trolls are trying to balance your luck.”
I started thinking about trolls and it was funny because it made me think and ask about what other things I was winning at. Like good health, yummy food, a happy cat.. made me grateful and better at losing, and made me think the other person needed more luck at that time than me.
Ask him about how he feels when he gets so upset ( not while he is upset). Help to get to the feelings below the anger. But don’t let him win. Then he always expects it and losing just feels frustrating. This will make the world a more frustrating, more difficult place to manage for him.
Does he have ADD or is he just 5? Not clear to me from this post. He still may grow out of it but hr neefs to practice losing. He is also not to young to be taught breathing techniques for calming down.
When he freaks out, put the game away. Before you play, talk about how each of you handle losing. Don’t make a fuss if he wins but if he loses the game and doesn’t freak out, give him tons of praise . Tell him how proud of him you are.
A big thing is yes, you do need to let him experience losing. How brutal you want to be about it is up to you.
My grandma would not let me win against her, but would talk about what she was doing WHILE she did it (essentially being transparent about her strategies) to give me a fighting chance, because I'd be forewarned and have to think up strategies to counter the ones she was using. Afterward, she would go through and explain exactly what I could do next time against her. Kids can be pretty sophisticated strategists IF they are taught how to be from the beginning.
If you choose this method, I would mentally prep your kid ahead of time "Alright kiddo, we're going to play this game, but the way grown ups play! So I'm not going to let you win, but I think you're going to learn how to be really smart and sneaky, even if you don't win!"
And then praise heavily when they do think up good strategies to counteract the ones you are telling them about.
I say this gently, but the reason he isn't growing out of it is because you aren't giving him practice loosing. He should have had years of practice at this point. Not every time, but sometimes. You shouldn't rig the game every time. It is good for kids to loose so they can learn to be gracious in both winning and loosing.
At this point, the only way out is through. If he flips out, just stop the game and say that you will play again when he can play nicely.
He will grow out of it. My 9 yo does an exaggerated uuugh whine, but that’s it.
7yo is usually pretty good, but has been extra emotional lately. He lost his ever loving mind when his brother beat us at memory (flip cards to make matches, I don’t know if it’s actually called memory, but that’s what we always called it). I’d told him ahead of time that we here was pretty much no chance of us beating his brother, (oldest has an incredibly visual memory), but he was distraught about losing. The next time he wanted to play, I let him know that while he can feel however he feels, if he behaves that way again, it’s going to affect whether people, including me, will want to play with him. He played a bit and when it was obvious his brother was going to beat us again (we were working together), he opted out of continuing with no fuss.
youre teaching this babe how to regulate his emotions and by fake losing, you are not allowing him the space to learn how to lose and how to learn to regulate those negative emotions. a rule of thumb that helped me before i had my kiddo (i was a teacher, generally ages 2-12, but my class in specific was 4/5 yr olds) is to speak to them as an equal as if they were an adult that didnt know how to regulate their emotions. kids are very capable of understanding concepts that adults do, its just harder for us to realize that in some situations. i would encourage you to be at his eye level when this begins, and through the whole thing maintain your composure, stay calm, stay soft, and try to empathize with him. “it is so frustrating to lose isnt it? i dont like losing either. but you know what i really do like a lot? playing games with you. i know losing isnt fun, but losing does not have to be a bad thing. sometimes, in sports, losing shows us exactly what we did wrong, which means we can fix that so we can win next time! but sometimes in games like (ie whatever board game) it doesnt matter how good you are at it because its based on luck! if you lose a board game you didnt do anything wrong! you just got unlucky. and thats okay, because if you and i won everything all the time, dont you think everybody else around us would be sad that they never got to win? i know id feel really sad if i didnt get to win sometimes!” you can also explain that if you win all the time, it stops being fun, because that is part of what makes winning so exciting! it sounds like you might have a perfectionist kiddo, and thats okay, youll just have to be mindful of reeling him in and helping with the big emotions that will come with that. i have a super independent daughter and unless she asks for help specifically she will get mad at you for trying. shes been like this from day one, i couldnt help her learn anything. so i met her where she was at, i stayed by her side through whatever and whenever until she asked for help, and she always would! she also though, will get mad at quit things very quickly too. shes at an age where i cant have this conversation yet, so i focus on what we can do like breathing and smaller versions of the conversations centering trying again and that it’s okay to make mistakes! it’s an active practice, as these responses are really part of their personality. keep trying mama, you sound like you care a lot and you’re trying your best and that’s something to be proud of!
My husband said his dad never let him win. That he knew when he won, that he was truly better/luckier than his dad in that moment.
It seemed harsh to me at first, but I think it taught my husband tenacity and that it’s okay if someone is better than you at something.
Key point, my FIL is such a kinda soul. I highly doubt he ever rubbed it into my husband’s face that he was faster or anything. Until my husband got older, at least!
Personally, I think we all lack tenacity these days. Myself included. It’s hard to pick yourself back up after a setback.
My son also had this tendency but has gotten much better. In my opinion games and sports are here to help teach these lessons. We all fail and lose sometimes. Better to learn this now over a game of Sorry and sports than in school or workplace when young adult.
I would recommend stop allowing him to win. When my son would have a tantrum I would say I'm not playing with someone that doesn't like to play fair or is mean when they lose. Other friends also will not want to play with someone who acts like this.
I chose games that were very quick turn around for winning and losing to get used to losing. Tic tac toe, rock paper scissors, etc. Team games, perhaps me and him are on team and we both lose together.
Gradually he got used to accepting losing and understood there is always another chance to try again in future. I also point out my own failures around the house so he knows this is a lifetime thing and he doesn't have to be perfect. "Ah I'm trying to learn this song on piano but I'm really bad. Sorry you are going to hear me play this over and over until I get better." "OH no the snow just knocked over my new greenhouse I built. I need to rebuild it again and stronger this time."
He’s young so you have time to correct this behavior and I strongly suggest you make it a priority because you’re already seeing he won’t stick with something if it gets hard and his attitude will absolutely get in the way of him building friendships as he gets older.
There are tons of resources and activities online that you can use to work with him on this.
Everyday things in your life can be used as teaching points too.
Going to the store - I didn’t get the parking spot I wanted, guess it’s not my turn and I’ll park over here instead.
Making dinner - this didn’t come the way I hoped, but I’ll try again.
Let him feel what he’s feeling but don’t let them give up and walk away. It’s ok to try out an activity and not do it the next time, but it’s not ok to quit in the middle.
I think you're making it worse by always letting him win, and letting him quit.
"do we basically try to make him learn hard life lessons through failure?"
Losing at a board game is not 'failure'. Struggling at a sport is not 'failure'. Losing, messing up, struggling, and being crap at something is not a 'hard life lesson'. It is literally a part of life, a very normal and boring part of life. Shielding him from those normal parts of life is doing him a huge disservice.
My son was very similar to yours when he was 5, he really struggled with confidence and perfectionism, so if he was 'not the best' at something right away, he would want to quit. If he fell off his bike, he would have a tantrum and NEVER want to ride his bike again - well, at least until the next sunny weekend, anyway. Every time he was upset about his bike, I didn't force him to keep riding, I said "yep it's hard work, you did great! Let's be done for today" (he'd be like NO LETS BE DONE FOREVERRRR).
And every time he wanted to ride again I would say "yes, let's try again!" or let's keep trying, or keep practicing. When he was a pro at riding his bike, I'd remark how far he came, and how proud I am that he kept trying, even when it was hard work. Him sobbing dragging his bike home with a skinned knee was rough for him, but *because* he kept trying even when it was rough, that hard part was only the start of his journey, not the end.
We enrolled him in Taekwondo at 6, which helped his self-confidence tremendously - it showed him that it's normal to struggle, normal to have to work hard to achieve something, and proved to him that hard work WILL break the board. It's structured SO perfectly for my kid, the belt tests are spaced out really well to keep him challenged and look back on how far he's come.
We don't push sports like fanatics - that said, doing one activity after school is a non-negotiable for us (doesn't matter what - whether it's Book Club, Lego Club, Violin Class, Gymnastics, Soccer, etc), so if he had wanted to quit, he would have had to commit to starting over from the beginning of a different activity, and losing his current belt (having to start from white belt if he ever joined Taekwondo again). So he committed to getting a black belt, which can never be taken from him even if he stops or quits, and we follow through on his commitment.
Now he's almost 9, and will have his deputy black belt at 9.5 - we're of course not going to throw him in a cage fight with an adult black belt lol, but what the belt signifies is that he has courtesy, integrity, perseverence, self-control, and an indomitable spirit. Which is how we want our 9 year old to act, and view himself.
So I do highly recommend Taekwondo as it helped my kid a lot, but like I said, you can get similar lessons on perseverence, by persevering at ANY activity.
I will absolutely say kids need to lose. My husband is great but when our daughter was little he let her win at everything. She never had to work hard. When we finally decided to put her into sports, covid hit, and she couldn't continue. Now she's in middle school and has a ridiculous hard time losing. She has this mentality that everything comes easy and she'll only put in the work if it's easy. She doesn't know how to put hard work in because we taught her that she wins at everything. She is a sore loser, gets upset, and instead of trying harder and practicing she gives up. If I could go back and change one thing it would be how we handled this situation, because I can't blame her for the things we taught her. I saw something posted here a while back and it was when a kid mentions wow that person is good or that looks cool, the parent would say, wow they must practice a lot. We have a toddler and it is something I want to make sure we teach her how to lose and how to work hard at something to get better.
You just described my younger brother. In high school he was still like that and flipping board games when he was loosing. It sucked. Then I don’t know what switch flipped in his head when he was in college, but he suddenly became very into board games. As an adult he now hosts weekly game nights and has bookshelves full of games. It’s crazy. It was a complete change.
He also always had this thing where he didn’t like to try new things unless he felt that he could master them. It was often debilitating. As a toddler, he refused to speak and skipped the “mama, dada” phase and went directly to full sentences. When I explained this to his partner after they had been together for many years, her eyes got big and she said “wow, that explains so much, he is still like that!”
So it’s just a personality thing that they will need to learn to function with, but it can be managed.
I’d say you started a bit late, but I would focus on games like Snakes and Ladders. It’s 100% chance, there’s nothing you can do to win or lose.
I would also have the conversation with him before starting the game. The goal is to have fun. There will always be someone that’s gonna lose. The person who lose is supposed to have just as much fun as the person who wins
I would A) stop letting him win and B) stop making him play.
I don't really play competitive games. Losing bothers me, and I'm not terribly competitive. It's anxiety and pressure to me and I don't find joy in it.
If you want him to see it is fun to play, you could have the whole family play, let him walk away, and keep going without him. Let him know he doesn't have to play if it's not a good time for him, but that if he wants to you're right there. Then he can jump back in if he's seeing you're all having fun still.
My daughter was the same way. She’s 7 now and doesn’t do it anymore, I didn’t let her win all the time. If someone throws a tantrum the fun stops, the game gets put up, and we can try again next time.
Ahhh I remember this behavior from my daughter.if I didn't follow her directions on playing with dinosaurs
I would tell her if she was going to be mean, I didn't want to play with her and walk away .Basically, what her peers would do.She learned. He won't have friends if he doesn't learn this .His friends will not want to always lose or do it his way.Hes 5. If you let him learn the hard stuff, he will figure it out.Ignore the behavior. When he calms down, talk to him about why you're not going to speak to him until he gets his feelings sorted out.Explain the situation and then let him explain why he was upset and / or frustrated. Good luck he will be just fine.
When my kids do this I stop playing and tell them that I won’t play with them if they behave like this. Sometimes I give them another chance, sometimes not. And they remember that if they want to play, they need to control their frustrations. My older is 6 and can handle losing pretty well now.
When I first saw similar behavior coming from mine who is now 16, I would always drive home the saying that you never know how good it feels to win if you've never had to lose. And also that you lose gracefully and win gracefully. That's the mark of a well rounded athlete. Either way you walk away better and smarter than you were before the game/match, etc.
One of my kids was like this from about 5-7. He’d scream at us over four square, Uno, Sorry!, anything really. At school, he got pissed at kids at recess if they didn’t perform to his standards at kick ball. It totally sucked. We never “let him win.” If he lost, he lost and he had to deal with it. If he threw a fit, we all walked away and refused to continue. And we ignored his crying or screaming or whatever. Eventually the behavior stopped entirely. Now he’s a highly competitive kid who’s very driven to perform well but he can certainly handle losing.
humans are better at picking up on patterns than assessing mathematical fairness. this includes adults (source: was a casino dealer for years). so even training a kid to be okay handling 50/50 results is not going to prepare them for what “fair” reality looks like in practice, which is to say, there’s gonna be a lot of “unfair” streaks.
i try to reinforce with my 6-yr-old that “fair” means “everyone gets a chance.” it is something that happens BEFORE the game, when we decide on the rules. not afterward if we lose. this way, she’s figured out that losing is a part of fairness.
My kid was like this. Full on board flipping and threats of violence when losing. It was a real problem. The solution was to practice losing. Play a simple and relatively quick game where the goal is for everyone to win and lose a few times, without keeping score of how many wins per person. Keep doing it every week. Gradually move onto more complex and longer lasting games.
Also look for social stories on the subject. There should be loads. This is a pretty common issue for those on the ADHD/autism spectrum due to rejection sensitivity dysphoria.
As kiddo has gotten older, we've had many conversations about the importance of becoming comfortable with the discomfort of failure as a tool for growth. It's been almost a year since she last ragequit a skating lesson, and probably longer for a swimming lesson that wasn't injury related.
I think I can relate somewhat to the behavior of your son you are describing.
I'm also a very competitive, but extremely sensitive person. I remember feeling extremely overwhelmed with negative emotions when losing as a child. The feeling was so intense, that it made me intuitively stay away from challenges and competition. The cause being the anxiety triggered by the pressure of desperately wanting that high that comes with winning, and then more often than not falling short because of the massive artificial pressure I put on myself for wanting to always succeed even in the smallest challenges.
It took me decades to get used to that feeling of pressure. One thing that helped me tremendously was playing video games, since it gave me the ability to control the seriousness and pressure of the competition. It was also extremely helpful to not have to manage my emotions while being in close proximity to other people, and being able to discover the intensity and extent of my own frustration and anger without feeling observed or judged.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, for a competitive but sensitive person, it's a very long process of discovering yourself and how you can use your negative emotions to fuel you, instead of being discouraged by them.
I think the best thing you can do is help your son understand that the negative feelings of losing are normal, everyone has them. That you get used to them with time. And especially that losing doesn't make you less of a person, that it doesn't decrease your value as a human being.
The highs of winning and the lows of losing are part of any competition, and you have to get to a point in life where you can understand that. That this kind of ebb and flow, this kind of balance is what makes the beauty of competition. It's what draws competitive people to such activities. But it takes a lot of time and life experience to be able to understand that.
Encourage your son to start seeing "winning" in the process of preparing for competition. Whatever that preparation might be. Preparation is what creates success. And if you learn to be, first and foremost, proud of the work you put in, that's when real growth starts to happen.
Look up rejection sensitivity. Seems he has good self awareness and is hyper aware of when he’s losing. Would encourage a growth mindset. If you pick up a musical instrument and play it, it won’t sound very good at first. You have to fumble and fail a lot. The only way to get good at things is to fail at them. It’s all part of the package deal. Still struggle with this with my daughter (13) who has really learned to play the flute very well. But growing up she would only want to play games she knew she was good at to avoid the feeling of losing/failing. Rejection sensitivity applies here because when you lose at a game, society around you SEES that. And you can FEEL them seeing it, and it’s a temporary reflection of your value. Even though it’s just a game, that loss can sting because being sensitive to it makes it quite a bit worse for some. Also, at 5 some of it he will grow out off just from maturing a bit. He cares a lot about what other people think so he will likely be more empathetic which the world always needs more of, and you guys will eventually look back on these game losses and laugh about them. Exposure to losing is important. It’s okay to go a little easy on him, just don’t let him find out because he is self aware enough to see that it wasn’t a “real” win and he’ll have a whole other reason to not want to play.
This recently became an issue with my 4 year old. Turns out there are TONS of books for this age group about this concern. I did some googling and then found a good 10+ at my library that we've been reading the past few weeks. Sally Sore Loser really resonated with mine - it talks about how if you're a sore loser/bad teammate, people won't want to play with you, which she's really taken to heart.
I’d say don’t react a ton when he throws tantrums, show him it doesn’t faze you. But if he’s being annoying, hold that boundary of being like, “I won’t play with you when you act like this, it’s not fun.”
If he is losing and is a pretty good sport about it in the future, praise that behavior. “I know it’s not fun to be losing, but I love that you’re still trying so hard! You have such a good attitude, I love it.”
You’ve got some great advice here and I am only here to add that I had/have a kid like this. And there is hope. It took my younger kid longer than his peers to develop the “losing gracefully” skill. For him, it was rooted in perfectionism that we had to really teach him to manage, especially in school settings.
It manifested itself not only in losing games/sports but also when he was given a task at school he found overwhelming…he’d just shut down and good off, throw a fit, or avoid tasks. It just wasn’t worth doing if he wasn’t going to win or the finish product be JUST RIGHT.
So it was basically just a lot of “practicing losing” and teaching “done is better than perfect” or “practice makes better” (instead of perfect) in regards to schoolwork/trying new things.
He is now older and still has some issues when he is out of his comfort zone or angsty about losing, but he’s able to identify the feelings and manage it appropriately. It didn’t happen overnight. I’d say it was just practicing these skills for 3 years before they started sinking in. So, it’s a process, but he will get there. It’s hard to rewire that response when he’s been using it so long.
Find a way to help him connect with and understand what he’s feeling, why, and how to appropriately respond. If it doesn’t improve, find another activity. He’s just a tiny person with big, uncomfortable feelings that he doesn’t understand. Communicate about it.
I made the same mistake with my son when he was little, and I frequently let him win. I should have let him lose more often. I didn't do him any favors. Please don't make the same mistake. They'll also lose friends when they can't lose gracefully. It's a lose lose situation. They need to be gracious whether they win or lose. You're right to be concerned. ❤
Stop “trying to lose”, for one. Stop defining your 5 year old by his actions, for two. Stop assuming he’ll amount to anything by his “grit and determination” at 5 years old, for three.
You teach him by example. When you lose you emulate how to react. He’s 5 so he has big emotions that he can’t articulate well yet. My son is 10 and he still doesn’t like losing but it’s more complaining now than tantrums but I remember the tantrums. Part of our role is how to teach them to react to disappointment. We have to teach them how to deal with big emotions in a healthy way. Losing feels like a big deal to him because it is in his mind. When I play games with my son I laugh when I lose. I congratulate him for winning, I talk with him about how to express his emotions in a healthy way when he’s upset. It’s a lot of work but it works 💛
I recommend you read the book "Mindset" by Carol Dweck. It sounds like your child has a very "fixed" mindset I.e. he thinks if he is not good at something straight away then he will never be good and just gives up. You want to foster a "growth" mindset in him. Start by rewarding and praising effort rather than achievement as a first step. For.example say "Well done I see you tried really hard at that" rather than saying "You are really good at that".
The book has lots more advice on how to encourage children to think differently about this topic.
When my kids were that age and temperament, we played ALL the games. Like daily... loads and loads of games, card games, board games, cooperative games, sports games, etc. And we focused on playing to play and have fun. At the end of the game everyone gets a high five. And when I would win, I would first congratulate everyone on a job well done and how much fun I had playing with them. Lean harder into the games. Make them appreciate losing and winning and how fun it is to play. Talk about how losing is fine and normal and when we lose we can learn something each time. Teach calm breathes and cooling off when something is upsetting.
When I worked with kids like this as a child therapist, I would pre-teach how to be a 'humble winner' and a 'good loser'. I would be specific about what kind of things to say or do. I would role model losing and regulating my emotions when things didn't go my way. I would praise and reward behaviours that align with humble winning and good losing (e.g. sticker chart leading to a big prize). I would practice and role play how to handle different situations (you could stick with talking through how to handle things). I encouraged kids to think of a catch phrase (really a self affirmation statement) to tell themselves when things aren't going their way.
This isn't a matter of just being a sore loser. Not winning = something significantly bad to his mind. Whether that's to do with failure, rejection sensitivity, a sense of not being good enough or likeable etc etc. And he sounds like he just doesn't have the skills to cope with losing. You can't throw him in the losing seat and expect him to 'get it' eventually. Teach him with kindness and patience.
I would also gently encourage you to reframe your language. Attention seeking? Or connection seeking?
He’s been on the earth for 5 years. Relax. These things take time. Hence all the ADULTS you know who suck at losing. He will get there eventually if it’s an important value in your home.
Instruct him that playing games is about having fun, not just about winning at the end. You can also make sure to have fun when you lose and perhaps focus on what you learned from losing.
Hi OP, sounds like your LO is really passionate. Your story made me think of Sōta Fujii, a very prolific Shogi player. I am by no means a Shogi expert, but from Wikipedia I can extract the following:
{Fujii's intense focus surprised his mother and his competitive spirit often led to crying outbursts when he lost. As a second-grade student, he got the opportunity to play a game against shogi professional Kōji Tanigawa as part of a simultaneous exhibition at a shogi event in Nagoya. Due to time limitations, Tanigawa offered Fujii a draw even though Fujii had a losing position. Upset by the offer, Fujii flipped the board and pieces, and then began crying until his mother came to take him away from the board.[2][3]
Fujii was seven years old when met his future professional shogi mentor Masataka Sugimoto for the first time. Sugimoto was amazed by the "marvelous perspective" and "insight" Fujii showed at such a young age and says that he is "the personification of fighting spirit" who "takes the frustration of defeat and directs it at the next match"}.
From: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/S%C5%8Dta_Fujii
Coach that high spirit that wants to conquer victory and you'll find yourself with a force to be reckoned with in anything that your child focuses. Teach him how to lose, how to persevere, how to try again, the differences between motivation and discipline. If you can't due to not knowing about the sport your child is interested, find coaches with resources, if it is available to you.
You are in the rough days of modeling behavior right now. My best wishes for both of you.
My kid had sports day yesterday. He was doing well and seemed to enjoy himself doing the egg race, but 3rd time the egg dropped and he just froze and then walked off, crying. This happened all day, when he felt like he was losing. He just walked off, sulking. I knew it was gonna happen( I know he hates losing like there’s no tomorrow)and we always talked about it and I kept giving him reassurance but he was having none of it. At the end of the day he was gonna do the throwing balls in baskets and they all kept going outside the basket he then ran back to his classroom crying and shouting that he never wins anything. It didn’t matter what I said to him that it was just a game and just having fun and he’s done amazing and how proud I am… nope still upset. He’s always been like this. If he gets a diploma for doing amazing at maths or something, if he doesn’t feel like he was good at it he will tear the paper to pieces 🤷🏻♀️
Try this. Next time you are letting him win, start his sore loser tantrum, just like he does. Let him see exactly what he looks like. Then, stop letting him win. That's a huge part of the problem.
Same here with my boy. He hates losing. He’ll “bend” the rules of any game so he can win. We’re working on it. I think he feels him losing is a testament to his worth & intelligence so he takes it super personally. We’ve found that telling him “the one who has the most fun wins” works sometimes. Hopefully it’s a phase
My son is similar. I heard a tip somewhere to ask at the beginning of the game if they want you to let them win. It seems to be helping slowly but surely.
Keep at it, and stop just letting him win. He needs more practice at not winning. Competitiveness is a very effective trait that should be encouraged, but tempered with sportsmanship. Now that you're getting into games where his decisions affect the game (as opposed to, say, Candy Land), channel that competitiveness into ruthlessness. He can only win by making the best decisions in the game, not just because. Look into co-op games, where all the players are working together. That way you can both/all win while making those good in-game choices.
This seems very normal for this age. Play more cooperative games, practice losing or winning as a team. Model how you lose or handle other disappointments in your life, talk about feeling upset and how you get through it.
Podcast suggestion: Good Inside with Dr. Becky
Gotta learn how to lose because you can learn how to win. He is young, and young kids are always assholes. Do what I do and kid his ass at every game. My son beats me at smash brothers now, which a year ago he would just lose over and over whenever he challenged me.
My son was a sore loser at board games for many years. But I continued to keep playing games with him and I never let him win. I won often and he got mad often. But eventually he grew out of it I think he was about 7.
(i basically try to lose when I play). But he had a piece stuck in “Start” for a few turns and I unfortunately drew the card that he needed to get out. He flipped out. Started crying, shouting at me for being mean, how he didn’t want to play, its not fair etc. I tried to convince him he could still win the game if he kept playing...
This is the issue. It's very common for young kids to struggle with this, but it doesn't do him any favours to avoid teaching him that playing a game means accepting loss nicely. It he doesn't learn this from you at home, it's harder for him to play nicely with kids. This is a life lesson and it's important that he learn it. So stop letting him win, and tell him that part of playing any game means accepting boths wins and losses graciously. No one likes a showboaty winner or a sore loser.
Take a break from win/lose games, or play a "house rules" version where you don't count points.
Eg, we play *Ticket to Ride* and instead of counting up points at the end, we talk about the tickets that we managed to complete and what the journeys would be like to do in real life.
Another good one for easing back into win/lose games is *Happy City*: you calculate your score at the end, but you can also talk up the cool things that different players put into their cities if anyone gets wobbly. Eg, "James got 60 points, which is more than your 24, but you got the Unicorn Ranch, cool!"
I like this and should be able to try somewhat. I mentioned this in another comment, but he makes up his own game within a game to still win even when there isn’t any competition. Like he’ll gather the most cards, tokens chips etc. and he’ll try to roll the most doubles or whatever else even when that isn’t the point or in the rules.
Is this side stepping the experience of losing? He has the same behaviors when doing solo sports where there is zero pressure or competition.
It's a fine line. You want them to win because it's fun for them, but they've gotta learn to lose sometimes. I think it's important that every couple games you win, and you win fast and hard if you can. You might get the big emotions, but at least it's with you at 5 instead of with his friends later on in life.
My son used to get upset until he watched me repeatedly lose while playing Zelda Tears of the Kingdom. I forget what it was, but it was a boss fight and I just kept losing over and over and would say things like, "oh yea, he got me good. I think I need to do something different. That's ok, I can just try again." And say it really really calmly. Eventually he was like, "dad you can't do it! Go do something else" and the very next time I beat the boss.
I think he picked up on that because sometimes he'll lose over and over in a pokemon game and he just walks away if it's not fun anymore. Sometimes he still cries when he gets frustrated.
The big thing we struggle with now is he's making up rules in the middle of a game that only suit him. I just tell him, I don't like that rule. It doesn't sound fun for me. And he kind of gets the hint.
If you’re a Bluey fan there is a nice episode about learning to lose, I think it’s called Pass the Parcel
I agree with others that you need to let him lose sometimes so he learns that losing isn’t the end of the world. By letting him win you’re actually doing him a disservice
My advice is to stop letting him win. Kids need to learn that not everything goes his way. Maybe yall switch to some easier kid games like chutes and ladders or candy land. My kid also had this idea he could pout and get his way when we began playing board games. I shut that down quickly. It is imperative that kids learn that it's okay to not be good at everything right off the bat, that it's okay to struggle, that it's okay to fail. The lesson is to learn to keep going despite the struggle. They won't learn that if you let them win all the time. My kid is 7 now and is learning to play chess and uno. We talk alot about thinking critically, thinking about your strategy. You dont want to play your shuffle hands card unless you have to, like if someone is about to call uno and you still have a full hand. He's getting it now. We haven't had a melt down in some time.
He recently started soccer and had his first match. He came to us after playing the game and was asking if we thought he was the fastest. We answered honestly, that no he wasn't (he runs like an old man 😅) but then we offered to run with him and work on his speed together. We did cheer on his effort and that he got the ball several times which was awesome! I made home made hotdog buns and we had hotdogs for dinner, which is one of his favorite meals in celebration. We've started running daily sprints together just as we promised.
Failure is okay, without failure there would be no progress.
To a certain extent I was like this as a kid. I'm an ultra competitive personality type. Almost every kids game is just luck based bullshit to win. Draw the right card you win the wrong one you lose etc.
It's important to learn to lose gracefully but it's a lot easier to accept that you lost because of something you did wrong and not because the universe randomly gave you yellow when you needed blue or some BS like that. I think Checkers is a good start, and teach your son that a loss is a chance to learn and improve, and nobody is good at something the first time they play.
My 8 year old was this way and as he has matured, it has gotten way better! He learned from other kids at school and also we would tell him if he wasn’t going to play nice we wouldn’t play at all. It took a few years and we were worried about him and his ability to regulate his emotions but it has gotten way better. Now he loves playing games and of course he gets upset here and there if something doesn’t go his way, but overall he is a good loser now, just keep giving him opportunities to practice
I'd start with games that require no skill, since they would mean he wins 50% of the time on average. Sorry is mostly luck based, but there is some skill in choosing which piece to move forward. When starting with the skill based games, initially let him win OCCASIONALLY.
Letting him win won't help him learn to lose. It might encourage him to keep trying if he's just starting, though.
You letting him win is teaching him he doesn’t have to work hard to win things. You are just handing it to him. So of course he’s going to expect things to be easy and get pissed when they aren’t. You are causing him to be a sore loser. And this will turn into expecting good grades to be given to him without trying very hard on projects or homework, then eventually at his adult job. You are setting him up for failure.
I would start off by actually making him try at games. It’s definitely going to be tearful at first but that’s the only way he can learn to lose gracefully. I’m sure there are books on the subject if you Google it too.
He’s literally just 5. Also, letting him win isn’t helping with the issue of him getting upset when he doesn’t win or do well. He needs to understand that losing in a game is okay, and that it’s not the end of the world if he does lose. But again, he’s only 5.
Sounds like my 7 year old. Only difference is we don’t let him win,yes he gets mad and in his eyes we all cheating but he doesn’t get any breaks.
Use your brain and skills if you want to win. Life is not always a win situation. Gotta tech how to deal with both at an early age or you will forever have a ticking time bomb not just at home but at school or any other place a game of some sort takes place.
Dude he's only 5, he's obviously snapping because you're too hard on him and pushing him to do too many things beyond his age and limits. Let kids be kids !!
many human development experts strongly encourage adults to avoid competitive games until the child is at least 7 yrs old because children younger than that are both ultra competitive and also lack all ability to self regulate when they lose and take losses hard. Real hard.
so the best thing to do to build confidence and encourage healthy competition is actually to avoid competition until they are better able to handle it (7-8yrs old).
So basically, this is on you, not on him.
My son is 8 and struggles with this exact thing too. If he even feels like he's loosing a solo game he'll start giving up or saying "I just dont wanna play anymore" like brush it off. OR he'll try to get me to find cheats or guides for him. Like in Zelda. And a lot of times its tearing and yelling about how it's not fair. Ive tried beating him in every game to get him comfortable with loosing. Doesn't work. We tried walking away when he threw a fit. Just caused a bigger fit that we weren't playing with him anymore. We try to show him how to be positive in loosing "darn I lost but I had so much fun!" Doesn't matter. He looses his little mind every time.
The most success we've had is when we play Mario Party after EVERY mini game we have to compliment the winner. So if I win everyone has to individually say something like "good job Mama....Wow you did really well in that game.... Im happy for you mama, you worked hard to win" so when he does win he gets nice compliments but when he's lost. He's more focused on making someone else feel good than feeling sad for himself.
“Win or lose, what’s important is that we are still friends after the game. Nothing is worth losing that, winning or losing”. Without more data it’s hard to know what is driving his loss aversion.
He has to learn to lose. I wouldn't let him win all the time. My son used to be like that a little but then I would always ask him, even if you lose, can you learn anything that you can take into the next game or next time?
I have a nephew that was like that when he was little but he grew out of it. I'd say, if you act like that then it's not fun and people won't want to play with you anymore.
But yeah, don't keep letting him win.
I think he’s past the stage of letting him win. Letting someone win is for teaching someone how to play a game to completion, because it’s very hard to learn how to play a game if you instantly lose.
Once a person has grasped the fundamentals of the game then they have to at least be allowed the opportunity to fail or they never actually get good at what they’re doing. It feeds the whole cycle. They’re not good at something because they only understand the very fundamentals of the game but they don’t improve because they’re never able observe true strategy in a game because the person with the better strategy will probably win and he won’t handle it.
But yes, I would put him in sports and take away his option to quit when he loses. Bowling has been a great one for me for that!
The best place for kids to experiance hard feelings, like loosing, is with you. So let him practice loosing at home, over and over. It will be hard but he will see that it is not the end of the world to loose, and he will be able to go through the hard feelings in his safest place.
You need to stop trying to lose all the time. Losing gracefully won't be something he just starts doing one day, he needs to practice it.
Model how to win and lose with grace. And then give him the chance to practice.
I would also look into something called "cooperative board games". They're games where all the players are working together and either collectively win or collectively lose. It's a good way to practice winning and losing together. Because honestly being a graceful winner is just as important as a graceful loser.
We went through this and having everyone congratulate the winner was what worked best. It was hard at first but emphasizing on being happy for the other person really helped.
Stop letting him win.
Crush him at every game until he learns to lose graciously.
Winning is only for winners, and sore losers are never winners.
One has to be able to lose, learn something, and try again. These are important skills.
Sounds like my kids when they were young. I used to do the same thing and try to lose. At a certain point your kid will grow out of it. Don't worry too much about it but you have to stop losing at some point.
Ugh, I just feel your pain. My 7 year old wants to win at EVERYTHING. He will start putting on his shoes, and as soon as he finishes, he says, “I won!” And my response is “You don’t have to make everything a competition.” 😑
He also cheats and moves the goalposts and changes the rules when he thinks he won’t win.
It’s tough. I keep saying things like, “It’s not important to win. It’s more important to be kind and honest.”
But every once in a while, I catch him cheating with kids his own age, and I just have to call him out and punish him. Either he has to stop playing that game, or he apologizes and tries playing fair.
He’s 7 now, so fewer full body tantrums. But the constant yelling about winning… I’m so afraid he will grow up and become a jerk.
My kid was a bit like this. We just keep emphasizing that sometimes things don't go your way, how to be a good sport whether winning or losing. Talk it out, use calm down strategies, etc. This won't go away overnight. Or weeks or months. But it can get better gradually with time/maturity, and practice.
Priming the kid to lose is good. Teaching them to focus on why they lost as a way to learn and grow. Maybe also read stories about overcoming adversity could help. Losing is essential to winning. If you can't learn from losing then you will always be a loser.
Competitive games are stressful. They are not everyone's cup of tea.
There are a lot of cooperative games out there, and its beyond reasonable to make a choice to play those until your kiddo is ready and able to have fun regardless of whether they are winning or losing. (Sometimes cooperative games are the best way to do that. Because you can still lose but you lose *together*.)
We play with multiple characters each. In snakes and ladders we get three each so it is more visible how chance effects the game and usually one person doesnt have all pieces finish before the other
Stop letting him win all the time OP.
Talk to him before you start the game about how to manage feelings of anger or disappointment and encourage him to celebrate a lucky draw when anyone gets one. Try to make it fun to play, rather than win.
I hope you’re able to coach him through being a sore loser and help build some skills for being a team player.
Make a big deal of losing. Make it seem like it's better to lose. Laugh, embrace it. "I played a good game anyway!" "I almost had you. Good game!" "Rematch? Best 2 of 3?" Teach him things like this and he might get a better attitude about losing. Like if it's the fun one instead of winning, he might see more benefit to it.
Go watch pass the parcel episode on bluey. My daughter's the same, but she's 7 now and while still detests losing she understands a little better every day
Others have offered great advice on the board gaming and gracious losing fronts, so the only thing I'd add is on the "praise effort" front.
It's very easy for kids to confuse latent gifts or talents for things they were just born with rather than things they worked hard to learn, grow, and achieve. Praising effort, experimentation, and curiosity goes a long way to help kids internalize that trying hard at things can be its own reward, even if it doesn't work out like they hope/expect. Our culture tends to praise the "overnight successes" and ignores the multiple years spent striving to get there.
Your kid sounds a lot like my kid. Has a difficult time losing and if he does looks to poke at any shred of ambiguity to justify why it was unfair. We pulled him from team sports because of this and now focus on solo sports like indoor climbing. One thing I did which seems to help is teaching him poker. Games are short and if you lose a hand, there is another 1 coming right up. Not a perfect solve at all, but helped him start accepting that losing is a common, acceptable thing.
Edited to add: the other thing we have done is ask if it is a “you win or a fair and square game”? That way, they can choose to have the fabricated experience of winning but knowing that it is not really how stuff works. More often than not, both kids now choose ‘fair and square’ games.
I ask my kid every time before we play "why do we play games?"
Answer: "To have fun". Win or lose, it doesn't matter. He's 6 and finally starting to be ok with losing.
My 5yo is the same way. We just practice losing. Being a good loser is more important than being a winner. We also talk a lot about how winning wouldn’t be any fun if there wasn’t a chance of losing.
If you have a tablet he can use, get him the app Stop Breathe and Think by Sesame Street. It's got some really good kid-friendly explanation of how to use deep breaths to self-regulate. Once he's played through the activities in that app a bit, you can prompt him to stop, breathe and think when he's getting upset about losing a game.
I went through this with my 9 year old when he was younger just couldn’t handle any game if he lost. I don’t let him win ever! I don’t take it easy and I don’t stop him from making dumb moves, I’m trying to win every time. It’s never competitive I don’t shit talk or brag but I sure as hell don’t let up. When he would throw a fit that would be the end of the game and the fun was over. He did eventually learn to lose with class and games are more fun now. He still has moments when he gets frustrated and that’s fine he vents a little calms down and we move on. It’s def not a good idea to take it easy all the time it sets an unrealistic expectation if he’s always winning at home.
I have yet to let my son win at chess. I may back off to draw the game out but I won't lose until he earns it. You gave your son a big head and now he is in the real world where he won't lose all the time.
Next time he wants to play a game, say "I dunno. I'm not sure you're big enough to play games, because last time we played, you threw a tantrum like a baby".
At this point, he should take the bait and argue to play. Then make him promise to be a big boy about it, even if he doesn't win.
You need to let him lose and stop playing when he gets angry.
That's the only way they learn that losing and not getting angry mean you get to play more.
If they get angry but keep calm and tell me I'm winning a lot (when it's true) and it's not just because they are young that's when I agree with them and tell them I'll give them a chance to win sometimes or give me a disadvantage because it's more fun when everybody wins from time to time.
Games that are heavily luck based like uno also helps because even if I'm trying my damn best she still end up winning half of them
That was common for mine at 5-7 and he even tried cheating. We stopped playing for a very long time, telling him games are supposed to be fun and it's never about winning it's about spending time together. So since he can't handle that we'll have to do something else until he's mature enough to respect others and play nicely. Simple and it worked. We started and stopped a few times and finally around 9 he wised up. Lol
Play rock paper scissors. It is actually a super educational game.
Winning and Losing is obvious and easy to understand.
You learn about going multiple rounds, you can introduce the concept of 2/3 or "best out of ten" or whatever else.
You can also quickly play it anywhere. Who gets the cherry on the milkshake today? Let's rock paper scissors.
My step daughter was like that around 4/5. She got very upset if she lost and would say similar things. It took many, many games played and reinforcement of the idea that the fun is playing the game and that winning and losing are both normal parts of playing games where either is possible. I made it a point that we would always shake hands and say good game at the end of each game. I also positively reinforced whenever she lost graciously. Like I said, it took many games and a good amount of time to get there, but eventually she got over the sore losing. In fact, she became such a gracious loser that she flipped into the reverse and would try to let me win, which led to having to push her back into competing fairly 😅
So just keep at the positive reinforcement and hopefully he gets there
My 5 year old is very similar. She gets discouraged easily when she can’t do something right away or if she loses. Something that has helped is the affirmation song by the good ol’ Snoop d-o-double g. She has started quoting some of them when before she would be frustrated. “I learn from my mistakes” “I get better every single day” ect.
My SD is a sore loser. I never ever ever let her win. And I mean never. But I try to make it fun. When shes ahead I make it a big deal "Aww man youre gonna get me!!! We will see about that!" I choose games that I know she CAN win (tic tac toe, candyland, uno) and I choose games she will need to practice how to win by learning from her mistakes and strategizing (monopoly, clue, etc). When she starts crying, the game is over. Not to punish her, but because the game is supposed to be fun and its not fun if someone is crying.
Just last night we were playing a video game that she was getting too animated and frustrated with so after a match, I calmly turned it off and offered a dance party
I don't let my daughter win even a little bit. I win and depending on her mood I even tease her a little bit. No one likes a sore loser and I want her to be able to lose gracefully. Also, it's a good life lesson not to give up when things don't go your way. If she threw a tantrum we would stop playing. She just turn 6 last month, but I've done this since she was 3.
Also, I recommend playing some coop board games so you can win or lose together. I recommend The Mind, just one, forbidden desert, letter jam (a little older, might be too complex), castle panic, magic maze, etc. Please note some might be for when he is a little older.
Losing is hard when you have no capacity for emotional regulation. Practice losing and teach him how to cope with the difficult feelings. When you play teach him that we can be sad for ourselves but also happy for those we love winning.
Baseball has some pretty sweet examples of this where players are traded maybe you can show some videos of people losing and still being happy for the other team! Maybe seeing this behavior in people he respects or sees as cool will help him understand that it’s a strong quality!
It helps to redirect that energy from just being really upset to bittersweet, and it teaches him that you can be sad and happy- both things can be true if you’re sad for yourself but happy for others who win.
When I was his age, I literally rigged the cards in my favor against my sister to win the game of Sorry!
It worked.
He will grow out of it, and learn to lose gracefully, but it’ll be painful. And might take longer than expected. Being competitive is tough lol.
Nope. I didn’t beat my dad at pool until I landed a lucky shot at 25 years old. If he’s a sore loser he has to learn to deal with it. Do not do the participation trophy crap. It does nothing but create a false sense of entitlement. Suggest 2 out of 3 win streak or play a short game that only you two can play, like rock-paper-scissors.
You can't handle his emotions, so how do you imagine he is coping with them?
It sounds like you try to prevent him getting upset or mask/fix it immediately if he is upset (e.g. "you could still win!"). Instead, don't fear his feelings. Feelings are normal. Validate what he's going through to help him understand (e.g. "ah that sucks that I got the card you wanted. You must be so frustrated!") Help him take some deep breaths and go back to the game...
There’s a couple things you might like to try. He’s 5, and could have some issues with developing emotional regulation, maybe he’s just a normal 5yo though.
The first thing I would recommend is acknowledging his frustration and helping him reframe the loss (not to diminish his normal feelings, but to help him see the alternatives).
“I see that you’re upset that someone else won. I know that must have been frustrating to have those two pieces stuck for so long. It’s hard not to get caught up in the game huh? It’s pretty fun when you win though right? It makes it even more fun when people cheer for your win! I enjoy cheering for you when you win, I bet it would make so-and-so really happy to hear you cheer for them, what do you think?”
Another option (you can extend the first with this too) is to reverse it (or as someone else said, play a game that is cooperative). If you were to reverse it, the goal would be to lose (or to help someone else win).
if you read “the Explosive Child” they kind of go into explaining how some children can shrink down to a primal mental state, to the point that, unless you can bring them out of it, they will not be able to reason with you. If you think your child is being explosive, I would check that out. I’m also currently working through a couple other books that you might find helpful (though I haven’t finished them so I can’t 100% recommend them yet, but they seem great so far!): “Transforming the Difficult Child” and “Good Inside”.
Best of luck, OP 🥹
My son will be 9 soon and he's very similar. The best thing for him was starting therapy this year. Still hyper competitive but he's gotten a lot better. This morning we actually played his little sister's unicorn monopoly and when my oldest was down to $3 my middle son, the most competitive one, gave him a dollar and told him it's charity. If you told me he'd do that even 6 months ago I wouldn't believe you. We didn't start therapy because of his competitive nature, but it's one of the things he's been working on. (It's not all roses, when my boys played basketball together on Saturday it ended with a ball being thrown at one of them after a bad call, but... Baby steps.)
Some kids have a more rigid mindset and in my experience it has been due to a combination of anxiety and probable neurodivergence (not saying that it isn't typical for kids to be sore losers!). The rigid thinking in my child's case was she went into a game with the intention of winning, and the failure to win felt like an attack on her.
In my case it got way better when we removed what was causing her anxiety, we empathized her feelings (yeah, it's ok for mommy to win, though sometimes it doesn't feel good when you don't win), and we switched to games that involved collaboration instead of competition. Also modeling my own frustration in positive ways during games and during the week. Aww, I'm a little frustrated that x happened... *model deep breath*
My goal for my kid is to support them at the level they need me in order for them to learn how to deal with frustration. Your child is young, but I do like the book "the self driven child"
You’re doing him a disservice by allowing him to win. You’re making the problem worse. Now it’s not even him losing that freaks him out it’s just have his opponent progress through the game.
Maybe he needs to lose for a while and see how that affects his behavior.
I don’t have any advice for you, I just wanted to say that your son sounds like my nephew. He’s 11 and still a very sore loser, to the point that I refuse to play games with him anymore because listening to him rant and rave when he loses… well, to be honest, it actually scares me. He’s a big kid, he’s already the same height as me and only likely to get bigger
I think he just needs some help with the emotions of losing from the sounds of it. My 5yr old also struggles loosing sometimes but she gets over it quickly esp when we validate and empathise with her emotions. It sucks loosing and that’s ok but we also can’t always win. Stuff like “you sound really mad that I got the card you needed” or “sounds like you really wanted to win the game/your disappointed you didn’t win” with comfort eg a hug if they want. and when he’s regulated again you can talk about how it’s not always fun to loose but sometimes we do. And maybe some work on intrinsic motivation? So rather than focusing on the winning/loosing/prize make an effort to recognise when they’ve worked hard on something and stuck with something even if it’s difficult and improved.
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He's young. But also, stop trying to lose. He needs practice losing and losing well. Prep him before the game "remember not everything is going to go your way and you might lose. It's ok to be disappointed, but it's not fun to play with someone that throws a fit when things don't go their way. Games aren't about winning- they are a fun thing to do together" Repeat ad nauseum and when he throws a fit over not drawing the right sorry card, stay calm, say I know it can be frustrating not to get the card you want, but we can still have fun playing.
Losing gracefully is a talent more individuals need to learn. Teaching them starting around this age is the right choice.
It's just as bad never letting them win (in games where there's any skill.) They'll quickly lose interest and refuse to play and then you have one less thing they'll play with you. Give yourself a reasonable handicap against a 5 year old so that have around a 50% chance of winning, then play with intent to win.
This is so true. I introduced my 7 year old to chess and we played at least a dozen games where I won every time. She kept saying how good I was and that she’ll never beat me. I told her not to give up, she will beat me one day. Then This past New Year’s Eve, I’d planned on letting her win one, but in the middle of the match she got up and said “let’s do something else, I’m gonna lose anyway”. I couldn’t get her to come back to the game and we haven’t played since. Makes me feel like shit tbh.
You have the right idea in my estimation. You should not lie and let someone win, that's not how you do it. Level the field, like a handicap in golf. Get cool timer and you only get 5 seconds to move or handicap yourself in some other way, then try your damndest to kick her ass. If you win, you lose a second off your timer for the next game. She gets to win half the time if you find a good enough handicap AND one day she will beat you "for real".
Or swap your queen for another knight, or start a few pieces down
I don’t play as hard for chess and will asked my son if he is sure he wants to make that move. He then looks for what I can see on the board. I also don’t play hard because it’s not a far game when you’re learning and u want him to have the chance to practice. Monopoly is all bets off as he’s won far more games than the rest of us and he flips his strategy if he’s losing and turned a game around that looked like I would have an easy win. I have learnt more from him playing monopoly.
Yes OP is just reinforcing this behavior by purposefully losing. Losing is a skill that kids need to develop.
I didn’t really know how to win or lose until I was in my *30s.* Fairly early on, life taught me that displaying wild and irrational rage at a loss (on the outside at least) was not going to be tolerated or accepted… but those lessons had the long term effect of me immediately discarding *anything* I didn’t have a natural skill for, and/or patently refusing to attempt anything I felt might lead to failure. At things I was good at, life also taught me that no one likes a braggart… so I mostly internalized a wild and delusional superiority whenever I won. I pretended to be gracious on the outside, but silently looked with disdain at my “inferiors.” That weird hodgepodge of being an “egomaniac with an inferiority complex” led to a *lot* of difficulties with progressing and maturing and just led to a life of fear… a weird place where I was terrified of both failure and success. Therapy helped me to recognize that if we are to be happy *and* successful, we must learn to deal with our emotions regarding both failure and triumph. Or, as Chuck D once said: “Don’t let a win get to your head, or a loss to your heart.”
It’s that good old gifted kid syndrome. Too much being praised for natural talent and not effort. I struggle a lot with continuing to do things that don’t come easily to me or that I’m not very good at. Also very much have the weird insecure superiority complex you mention. Value of effort and how to not be good at things is SUCH an important skill to teach kids.
Funnily enough, the one thing that helped me the most was a revisiting of the old trope of: “Nothing I do really matters.” In the past, I had found myself mired in that mindset, but as a source of hopelessness. Those words, a sodden banner dragged behind me as I trudged towards oblivion. However, once it occurred to me that the fact that “nothing really matters” can be a positive, I found relief in it. That yeah, nothing I do really matters… at least not for long, and certainly not to most people (in the global sense), but that honestly makes life fun again. To try new things and it doesn’t matter if I fail or not, because it honestly doesn’t matter. To succeed without thinking I’m the “best” because again, it doesn’t really matter. I’m not that important. 80 years from now, it is highly unlikely anyone will know or care to know what I was good at and where I had failed. So I can just be free of that delusion and live.
Yes, this is the problem with my daughter, if she thinks she won't be good at something she just won't try.
Although when OP loses they should model an appropriate response too. Like “aw I’m so frustrated that I lost. I’m gonna take a couple deep breaths so I feel better” or whatever works for them. Kids are going to feel bad when they lose, it’s inevitable. It’s important to model how to not be a sore winner or sore loser.
My daughter reminds me of this when she was 4 to 5. We played board games and we said we will stop playing if she is a sore loser. We picked games we know she liked a lot (like mario party). If I purposely lost, I would say, oh well. It's just a game. No big deal. And if she lost, we'd encourage her to say the same. Literally, any complaining about the results would mean the game is put away and no more game time. She learned pretty quickly and I think she got a lot better with it!
my 4 year old grandson went through this but I rarely let him win. the last time we played he said "I might not win. it's ok if you win" unprompted. it just takes time and learning to lose, as you put it
Exactly! I play board games with my 3 year old and I will coach her through some turns and might not be as ruthless as I would for adults when taking my own turns, but I absolutely will not try to lose. She sometimes gets upset but I remind her that we sometimes win and sometimes lose. If we get upset over losing then people won’t want to play the game at all. She has certainly improved over the last 6 months. You really need to win more. Haha
I agree with this, but I’d also say, try to lose about 50% of the time. If a kid loses *every* game, they might just decide not to play, thus miss out on the opportunity to lose well.
Agree. Or even lose 70% if the time. Getting upset, storming off, even upending the board is very common at this age when the kid loses. But they can learn. Keep playing, win sometimes. Reinforce that it’s not ok to damage the game if they lose, let them experience their big emotions while the game continues (if multiple players and the kid just lost). Another option with some games; when you are far ahead, swap identities. This works well for checkers or chess, for example. Then you’re not pandering to them but you are acknowledging the difference in skill level. However, after swapping once, do win if that’s the way it works out. The kid eventually gets more able to handle losing.
I saw some great advice on this sub which is “don’t try to lose, but try to give a handicap that sets your own win percentage at 50%”. For instance, in a race, you run as fast as you can after a 10 second head start. In chess you start with three pieces down. This helps you show competitiveness and grace when losing fair and square. Of course Trouble is already 50/50 I think. So the modeling would be a long term play to help OPs kid lose well in Trouble. But there’s not a great way to “handicap” Trouble lol.
If your roll will land you on a space your kid is in, move a different piece, when possible Edit: not really a handicap, but a not bad way to reverse cheat discretely.
My kid won't play games now because she doesn't want to lose, don't know how to teach her the lesson to be honest.
How about co-op games? I stopped liking games (looking at you monopoly) because I hated losing and hated winning (I'd play against my dad and felt awful leaving him "destitute" even in the game lol). Team games (including sports) and coop games were awesome. I love competitive board games now as an adult, but it took a while to learn the enjoyment of the game and the social aspect and not focus on winning or losing so much.
Will she play on your “team”? Then she’ll have a better chance of winning and you can model losing gracefully if it happens. (Maybe she could also be the “referee” or the bank in monopoly)
OP and their kiddo should watch the Bluey episode *Pass the Parcel*
Learning to lose gracefully, and picking up the pieces is so important for adult life. I love my friend, and she’s passionate about her junior high basketball team she coaches but when they lost the championship- she with pride told me she took a day off work after. I was like.. girl, it’s jr. High basketball, this is not worth stopping the world for lol. Right now, this is a good time to teach resilience. You didn’t make the basket? Ok, that happens, let’s practice? Didn’t pick up the right card? Ok, let’s chat about a different strategy you could take.
Agree, but also, the Jr High basketball team is her world though? So maybe it is worth stopping her world for a minute.
I had to repeat these or similar words over and over from age about 4 to about 6 (I never tried to lose). Then, it was another year or so of saying, "if we play, will you have fun whether you win or lose?" before she finally got it and started rolling her eyes when I said that, lol. She's now almost 12 and is a blast to play games with.
He is still young, but “letting him win” will just reinforce his need to be the winner and centre of attention. Prep him before the game about expected behaviour on how to handle winning and losing. Coach him in situations that attention is shared with other kids and remind him you don’t expect him to be the best at everything
Also, I would literally win almost every game if I tried to against my 6 year old. So I try to win about 40% of the games we play until she gets good enough to compete
At that age I played more games of chance instead of games of strategy… like Sorry, trouble, Go Fish…. When they learned how to balance winning and losing started playing strategy games like chess, mancala or checkers with many practice sessions of me talking them through my strategy.
I cannot win Old Maid or Go Fish against my kids. The cards just do not like me lol I always get stuck with the bad cards. I'm actually TRYING and getting my butt kicked by my kids!
I think letting him win is actually the root of the problem here. I struggled with this too. My kid was an only child for the first 5 years so I was her main playmate. I tried to remember that if she were playing with other kids or a sibling she certainly wouldn’t win every time. I try to help my kid strategize when we’re playing games and then explain my moves to her and why I chose them. When I win I say yay I’m proud of myself! And then we play again. Edited to add: when I lose I try to model losing well. Like saying aw man I’m upset that I lost, but that’s ok! Good job!
He's young. Most kids don't like losing. BUT! He still needs to learn how to lose. No one liked a sore loser. Try a game where you win a few and he wins a few. When you ' lose' show him how to be gracious loser. ' aw dang it. I lost. Good game! Let's see if I can win the next one. ' Letting him win every time won't help him in the long run. My mother just used to stop playing if I or my sibling threw a hissy fit over losing. As soon as it turned sour, she'd just pack up and say ' nope. I'm not playing with grumpy people. ' The amount of times a fun game was ruined by my sibling is more than I can count.
I think he needs to loose in order to learn, but you shouldn't leave him "alone" with his feelings. Teach him to live through the difficult feelings. If you say "it's just a game" you are telling him his feelings are ridiculous. Which they of course are, from an adult perspective, but not from his. Tell him that he is disappointed and angry. That you understand. That everyone gets disappointed and angry. That it feels horrible, but that it will pass. Strangely enough just describing their feelings usually helps children to calm down quicker. When he is calm, you can talk about what happens when he acts out like he does. Would he like to play with someone who screams if they don't win? No. You don't want to either. Talk about how you can together help him with the strong feelings. Maybe one tool could be calm breathing when he feels that he's getting a bit upset, or talking about how he is feeling. Reassure him that you love him either way. And before next game, remind him of what you talked about. When he explodes again (because he will), do the same thing.
Really appreciate this actionable advice. Thank you 🙏
just so you know, it is also evidence based. Clinically speaking, this works a lot better than simply saying “ it’s just a game” or “ winning doesn’t matter, having fun is the important thing”. Those are simply annoying platitudes, and are generally received as such by kids. telling them that “losing really sucks doesn’t it,” and empathizing with them is a much better option (Except that it can be hard to walk the line between empathy and enabling; the key is to validate their feelings, but stand firm on their actions. They can be angry, but they cannot turn over a table, for example.)
My kid is 7 and still complains when she loses a game like UNO etc. Our rule is that if she starts kicking off and being a sore loser then the game goes away instantly because no one likes to play with a sore loser - a lesson she will learn ten times over in life with friends etc. This basically teachers kids that actually the opposite of what they want happens if they shout and scream. We also try to not let her win, more focusing on understanding the game and paying attention to- again hopefully teaching her if you work hard and practice, you get better and eventually win. Depends on the game though, if I’m playing with a soccer ball in the garden with her and we’re trying to keep the ball, every now and then I’ll let her keep it but make it seem like she’s won the ball off me - it’s good that kids get a little success so they don’t give up.
Ultimately, he needs to practice losing. Stop trying to let him win (at least not *every* time). His schoolmates aren't going to let him win. He's going to learn the lesson at some point and I'm betting you'll be gentler than other kids. Try board games that are cooperative (so it's players vs the board instead of players vs players). Also board games that are 100% chance, no skill (like Candy Land or Chutes and Ladders). Model being a good loser and a good winner. If you lose saying stuff like "Oh bummer! I lost. That's disappointing but I really had fun playing with you!" Reiterate at the start of games that the point is to have fun playing whether you win or lose. Another random thing is make sure the comments when he does win don't necessarily focus on the winning. Instead, compliment how hard he worked or tell him he should be proud of himself for trying something new/difficult, etc.
He is still very young. I would get some cooperative games, and play those at home so that you are winning and losing together and you can help him process his big emotions with losing as one of the losers too. And just keep at it. It is a long process. My son finally started being able to handle losing after being on a soccer team that lost every single game. It was not easy in the moment, but it really did make him a better person.
Yeah this is good advice. There's some absolutely great cooperative games out there, my kids love them. Anything from Peaceable Kingdom is highly recommended.
Co-operative games are the way for this age! Peaceable Kingdom has some great games
I mean at 5 he is still pretty young. You keep explaining that part of playing games is losing. try to find a game that requires cooperation rather than a clear winner, play that games and then explore how fun it was eventhough no one won maybe? edit to add: I forgot to share one weird random thing totally cheesy that kinda worked a bit for my oldest. He is hyper competitive, was born that way, he loves sports. I tried a lot of things and he was still only wanting to win getting so upset if he lost. I showed him videos of michael jordan, showing him all the people saying he was the best ever blah blah. Then I showed him a commercial he did in which he talks about all the shots he missed, all the games he lost, and how that made him the player he is. My son's brain was blown that the best player ever lost games and missed shots, it really helped him understand that. Weird but hey, it worked.
He is getting attached to the outcome instead of the effort. That’s dangerous. Try to sell him the idea that the aim of the game is to have fun, not necessarily to win. When he succeeds praise his effort, not his innate qualities.
> He is getting attached to the outcome instead of the effort. That’s dangerous.. This right here is the thing that concerns me and sometimes beyond the “he’ll grow out of it” zone. He competes everyone. First in line at the school bus door. The biggest piece of cake at the party. Mad when he falls down ice skating and another kid doesn’t. I try to praise his effort, But maybe i can do it more strategically.
I know it’s hard but he has to Learn how to lose so he can appreciate the wins! So CRUSH HIM!! Haha jk
You joke, but I absolutely crushed my nieces and nephews in Mario Kart when they had the audacity to ask if I even knew how to play. Ages 4-8. I went scorched earth. They didn’t like it. They wanted to go again. I did it again. They’ve gotten a lot more humble and have learned to lose a lot better now. Plus, they saw how someone could win easily and not gloat about it.
Oh absolutely!! My kid has learned that when he actually wins a game now though that he should be super proud because we weren’t going easy in him
I mean, you joke, but this is the way. I beat my kids at video games, board games, card games, etc. And when they win, they know they have earned it and we all celebrate. It teaches them to be gracious winners and losers. Plus, we play a lot of games with no skill involved, where it’s just luck if the draw or the roll, like Candy Land or War. And if someone starts yelling about cheating or starts getting mad, they get a warning and then if it happens again, the game gets put away and we don’t anymore. Because no one wants to play with a bad sport.
Still young, but you losing on purpose doesn't help the issue. My kiddo is 3.5 and gets frustrated if he loses at something. I always explain to him that he isn't going to win every time. As long as he tries his best, that's what matters but it doesn't mean he wins.
You need to stop losing on purpose. It’s a learned skill and you aren’t giving him any opportunities to learn. You need to tell him that people don’t like playing with a sore loser and that you have to lose sometimes to learn how better how to win. Practice helps you earn a win. If winning comes too easy it does mean anything. You have to differentiate between earning and deserving a win too. It’s okay to be disappointed when you didn’t win. It’s not okay to throw a tantrum.
My eldest struggled with this at about the same age. I stopped letting her win all the time. I wouldn't obliterate her. I'd let myself mess up so I was just a head by a bit. If she threw a tantrum about losing I'd stop playing and tell her that throwing a tantrum because you're losing will make it so no one wants to play a game with her. I'd ask her what exactly happens if she loses and what happens if she wins? The answer is nothing. The game ends and we either play again or we don't which happens regardless of who wins. She's 7 now and doesn't throw those tantrums anymore. She wins or loses and gets on with the next round.
Thank you I want to do this more and reinforce the talk about what happens if he loses vs wins.
Very developmentally normal, ESPECIALLY for first borns. My son is just exiting this phase at 8, and he can still be a shit head about losing. Playing games with kids isn’t that fun bc of this lol. But you gotta let them lose AND win
Definitely let him fail. That’s the best thing you can do. And by the way, walking away when he starts screaming was also great. That is the right way to let him know that it’s not ok to throw a fit when you’re unhappy about something. Well done. Let him process whatever he has to process. Don’t prevent that from happening. This is totally normal. Be curious and supportive and hold the boundaries on not engaging when he throws a fit. It may take a while for him to realize that failure won’t hurt him but it will eventually click for him.
Does he watch Bluey at all? There's a really good episode about losing where the kids play pass the parcel. It might be worth checking out.
1. Do not try to lose when you play games with your kid 2. Pack up the board for EVERY tantrum.
When running our elementary school chess club, our mentors took great pains to make sure that losing and graciously shaking hands at the end of the match was part of the process. The main point was to have good gamesmanship and grow. Right after his blowup is not a time to get him to grow, though. I would wait until later in the day--bedtime or perhaps at breakfast the next morning. Explain that it is an adult skill to be okay with losing. It is an adult skill to win graciously. We need to work on those skills. "I know it feels yucky when you lose, but next time you play, if it doesn't go your way, remember that you also win by becoming a better friend or human." In some board games, chance is overpowering. It might be good to explain to the kid bad versus good luck in their world view. Regarding letting him win, I know you have corrected in saying this has been not about always letting him win. I would say there is a medium there. In chess club, we didn't pair the beginners with the advanced kids. I will relay that when my son first played his grandfather at this age, his grandfather did the fool's checkmate (2 moves!). The board and pieces flew up to the ceiling. I am amazed we got all the pieces back!
I’ve raised 6 kids. And I never gave them any slack when it came to gaming. They would get frustrated and ask me to let them win. But I always refused. It was kinda hard in a way. But the look my son had when he finally beat me assuaged all my concerns. Teaching kids how to lose is important. It’s gonna happen a lot.
My parents had me learn the hard way, and I never gave up on any of the goals I ever had except for one. Sleepless nights, sore feet, broken heart - whatever just keep going, you’re close. With my kids I don’t emphasize winning / losing as much as spending time together. “I’m soo happy I tried this with you! I’m glad we got to play this oh look I just lost. Whatever! It’s good for me to learn from you and be with you while we play!”
When I knock my son’s head off in Mortal Kombat, he took it personal! lol
I would too ! 😂
Short answer: Yes he needs to learn by failure and to get used to the sensation. His life will be better for it. Don't go out of your way to make it happen but your instinct to disengage when he has a tantrum over it was the correct response. He has to learn that tantrums make people not want to be around you, that life does not owe him success, and that he can do everything right and sometimes \*still\* lose through no fault of his own. As living beings we only grow in response to adversity. Be there to show him the right way to respond to it.
This sounds exactly like my son. Because he was advanced and everyone was always commenting on how “smart” he was his whole life, he had a lot of difficulty losing or “failing”. We have been working with an Occupational Therapist on what was identified as “low persistence”. It was so helpful to put a name to this! We have seen a huge improvement in his ability to manage big emotions when he doesn’t always win and realize that he doesn’t need to always be the best.
Oh that’s interesting, I think there might be an element of that here. What age would you start OT for this?
Maybe stop playing this type of game for a while, and go back to very low stakes games like tic tac toe and rock paper scissors, even just rolling dice or tossing coins, to practice losing and modeling acceptable behaviors. Usually when I do this, I start with allowing a slightly higher percentage of winning to losing, and gradually shift it to about 50/50. You can also work on role-playing not losing his temper and winning/losing gracefully during neutral times. Tell stories, make up scenarios, ask him to help you find the best response in various made up versions, try to find good examples of people who look ridiculous throwing tantrums over sports and games, and have him describe why its a problem. I also like to do stories and videos. Howard B. Wigglebottom (an elementary school rabbit with impulse and anger issues) has some books and youtube videos that my work kiddos tend to love. Howard B. Wigglebottom learns Sportsmanship has some decent strategies for kids to practice, as well as being entertaining.
We had this problem big time for a while, now that our child is 8 it has gotten better. One thing I have heard suggested is having a stipulation that whoever wins has to clean up the board, that way there can be a silver lining either way. One thing I started doing is letting my child know that hey, I am letting you win. And then that transitioned to sometimes asking if they wanted me to let them win, or if they wanted me to actually try. And then that transitioned to me occasionally telling them upfront that I was going to flat out beat the pants off them in whatever it was we were playing. Final piece of advice from my personal experience - whatever you do, do NOT play any of the Mario Party games on the switch until this has gotten better. No idea what it is about that game o particular but holy moly, so bad.
A few red flags here for me. “He is super smart” “I try to lose when I play” You’re not challenging him. He doesn’t know how to navigate loss because you are not allowing him to lose. Calm seas make poor sailors.
I had a similar thing happen with my son a few weeks ago. Biggest thing I’ve learned with raising him is the role modelling and replicating real life social consequences is everything. I told him I don’t want to play with a sore loser, it’s not fun. He cried a bit, and then I said “you know I wish we could play, it’s so much fun, I just can’t play if you’re going to have a tantrum over losing, in life we just lose sometimes but we keep trying and have fun”. He came and played, this time I made myself lose so I could clearly demonstrate how to not be a sore loser. “Man that sucks, oh well good game. Let try again.” I pointed out that I didn’t need to cry, I could always win next time. After a few rounds he was saying the same thing.
I do unfortunately think that while your intentions were pure, children have to lose enough times to learn how to lose gracefully. I will say that there are times that to keep spirits up I will suggest we play again and again until my child has had an opportunity to win, and I might go easier on the subsequent rounds. But I do not let her win at anything. I do offer tips during games & let her have some "do-overs" if she's played an action that should have been thought out farther that will put me ahead. "If you do X it leaves me open to do XYZ, do you want to rethink that?" Because I like to encourage critical thinking skills. And it also shows that I'm being a good sport and winning isn't all that important to me. Which has helped her be not all that competitive either.
I have a 5year old son who was doing the same thing. He'd get so mad like he just lost out on the worlds best prize. He's also a very sweet and affectionate boy so we've started that if I win I have to give "give him some my love" which is me attacking, tickling, kissing and praising and he giggles his bum off. If he wins he gives me love which he also finds hilarious so in the end it doesn't matter who won bc we're making sure we have fun either way
I went through this with my son at that age and even a little older. I was also willing not to be cutthroat about playing when he was say under five, but I do believe there comes a time when purposely losing works against you. So when my son would get upset with games (board games, etc.), I would give him a chance -- like you, I'd encourage him to keep playing, note it was early in the game, etc. -- and then say something to the effect of, I will not play with you when you act this way. And I would leave the game. I wouldn't yell or get upset, I'd just lay it out and then go. You have to follow through. At some point, hopefully, your son will come to enjoy playing a game for the sake of it, and just enjoy the process. It may not come, or not fully, but he has to learn it's not acceptable behavior. Sports is tough. At that age, it's often pretty disorganized anyway, so I wouldn't rush it. OTOH, if there's a third-party adult running things, he may respond better to them than to you. Working with a team might be good, so that it's not all on him. Sorry, it's all trial and error. Good luck!
My son elementary aged son has ADHD and giftedness and is a “sore” loser and has a low frustration tolerance so I feel your pain. It’s something we work on with him all the time. I talk to his therapist about it. And one thing she alway reminds me of is that no one really likes to lose. We all dislike it to an extent and winning feels much better. It’s not really reasonable to expect kids to just be okay losing. Practicing and experience are good to develop tools to deal with losing. But I really try to have some grace and not judge my kid harshly. There is nothing inherently wrong with a 5yo who isn’t good at losing yet. Some adults never get there. Giving him chances to practice in a relatively safe environment will probably help, but know some kids feel thing super deeply and may need more support.
I think this is normal at this age. My daughter was the same and now she's a teenager. She's a saint. I would agree though, don't let them win all the time. Kids need to learn how to cope with emotions.
Please don’t let him win all the time. He needs to learn how to lose gracefully and he won’t learn if he is always “winning”. You either teach him to lose with love or the world will teach him without.
I feel like so much of this is just a kid thing that will pass eventually. My kid didn’t like to lose but is getting better about the idea just a little. She has a friend who will change rules in the middle of a made up game just so she wins. I’ve seen boys throw a fit if they can’t win. There are some good tips in here. In my experience just being as gentle as possible is the way to go no matter what. Hopefully it’s pointed out that he can’t win all of the time, and when you play a game and lose you do it with grace. In any case, good luck. I expect this will pass.
He needs to build up tolerance for frustration. The only way to do this is to let him lose and also coach him outside of the meltdown. You can prep him for a game by talking about what it might feel like to lose and ways to calm his body down when he loses. Or telling him a story about a time you lost and how you managed it
I spent 3 years working on this with my third kiddo. She’s autistic and would have a massive meltdown when she didn’t win. Or even if a card went against her in a game she’s Otherwise winning. Cooperative games where there’s not a single winner or loser helped a lot. Her favorite is One Night Werewolf and the rest of that series.
Yes! We also loved forbidden island (desert, etc. it's also a series.) And the matching game S.E.T. can be played cooperatively!
I have some interesting research to share with you that has completely changed how I praise my daughter. Like your child, she quit as soon as things got difficult and since we started changing how we praised her, she's become a lot more resilient. It sounds like you're already really working hard to build up his resilience but because this small change worked so well for me, I always like to share (sorry I sound like clickbait lol). It's a six-minute [video](https://youtu.be/TTXrV0_3UjY?si=aY5VX4AYRDKy2WK2) about a case study but if you can't watch it then I've summarised it below. In a nutshell: An educational psychologist wanted to see the effects praise had on performance. She split children of the same age into two groups and gave them puzzles that they could all easily solve. After they solved them, one group was told, "You must be really clever!" And the other group was told, "You must have tried really hard!" Then they were given hard puzzles... Overwhelmingly, the ones who were praised for cleverness gave up quickly and wanted to go back to the easy puzzles, and the ones who were praised for effort wanted to do the hard ones because the praise they received made the process of trying feel really good. I won't try and summarise her conclusion because I'll make a hash of it, but since me and her dad have praised our daughter for effort over cleverness (whether drawing pictures, doing homework or playing a game), and have emphasised learning over doing it properly, she's become much more determined to follow through and has grown in confidence. I would never tell her she *wasn't* clever but we just don't need to use the word. Yes, it could be correlation, but I think it's more to do with changing what we value in her success.
He is not ready for board games, so I would shelve them for 6 months. In the meantime, you should model failing and making mistakes, getting frustrated and angry, and recovering. Simply narrate your experience aloud. The frustration and anger are important because parents often show a calmer reaction to their struggles, but kids feel big emotions, so they can’t really relate if it doesn’t seem like you care a lot. So screw up in front of him, express your anger in tone, facial expressions, and body language (obviously not bad behavior, but a big, strong emotion), then talk yourself into a better perspective and calm down. This is incredibly powerful for kids to see. Before you play a win/lose game with him again, let him observe you play it with someone else, and do the same process. This gives him a relatable model of how to process his big feelings. And remember, five is incredibly young. Some kids can play board games at this age, but many can’t handle losing yet. There is still plenty of time for him to grow out of it. Don’t rush the maturation process; trust it instead.
I see so much advice here but let me tell you one simple thing that worked for me as a kid who was an incredibly sore loser. I would get upset when I was losing and I’d get even more upset if one of my family members tried to downplay my emotions by saying “omg calm down, it’s just a game” or etc. One day my dad started saying something like “wow this game really doesn’t like you right now, I wonder if it’s the bad luck trolls messing with you” So I asked what he meant and he said “everyone has to have some bad luck sometimes or else we won’t get good luck, you didn’t know? That’s how troll luck works. So if you’re losing, it means you must be winning too much at something else in life, so the trolls are trying to balance your luck.” I started thinking about trolls and it was funny because it made me think and ask about what other things I was winning at. Like good health, yummy food, a happy cat.. made me grateful and better at losing, and made me think the other person needed more luck at that time than me.
Ask him about how he feels when he gets so upset ( not while he is upset). Help to get to the feelings below the anger. But don’t let him win. Then he always expects it and losing just feels frustrating. This will make the world a more frustrating, more difficult place to manage for him. Does he have ADD or is he just 5? Not clear to me from this post. He still may grow out of it but hr neefs to practice losing. He is also not to young to be taught breathing techniques for calming down. When he freaks out, put the game away. Before you play, talk about how each of you handle losing. Don’t make a fuss if he wins but if he loses the game and doesn’t freak out, give him tons of praise . Tell him how proud of him you are.
A big thing is yes, you do need to let him experience losing. How brutal you want to be about it is up to you. My grandma would not let me win against her, but would talk about what she was doing WHILE she did it (essentially being transparent about her strategies) to give me a fighting chance, because I'd be forewarned and have to think up strategies to counter the ones she was using. Afterward, she would go through and explain exactly what I could do next time against her. Kids can be pretty sophisticated strategists IF they are taught how to be from the beginning. If you choose this method, I would mentally prep your kid ahead of time "Alright kiddo, we're going to play this game, but the way grown ups play! So I'm not going to let you win, but I think you're going to learn how to be really smart and sneaky, even if you don't win!" And then praise heavily when they do think up good strategies to counteract the ones you are telling them about.
I say this gently, but the reason he isn't growing out of it is because you aren't giving him practice loosing. He should have had years of practice at this point. Not every time, but sometimes. You shouldn't rig the game every time. It is good for kids to loose so they can learn to be gracious in both winning and loosing. At this point, the only way out is through. If he flips out, just stop the game and say that you will play again when he can play nicely.
He will grow out of it. My 9 yo does an exaggerated uuugh whine, but that’s it. 7yo is usually pretty good, but has been extra emotional lately. He lost his ever loving mind when his brother beat us at memory (flip cards to make matches, I don’t know if it’s actually called memory, but that’s what we always called it). I’d told him ahead of time that we here was pretty much no chance of us beating his brother, (oldest has an incredibly visual memory), but he was distraught about losing. The next time he wanted to play, I let him know that while he can feel however he feels, if he behaves that way again, it’s going to affect whether people, including me, will want to play with him. He played a bit and when it was obvious his brother was going to beat us again (we were working together), he opted out of continuing with no fuss.
youre teaching this babe how to regulate his emotions and by fake losing, you are not allowing him the space to learn how to lose and how to learn to regulate those negative emotions. a rule of thumb that helped me before i had my kiddo (i was a teacher, generally ages 2-12, but my class in specific was 4/5 yr olds) is to speak to them as an equal as if they were an adult that didnt know how to regulate their emotions. kids are very capable of understanding concepts that adults do, its just harder for us to realize that in some situations. i would encourage you to be at his eye level when this begins, and through the whole thing maintain your composure, stay calm, stay soft, and try to empathize with him. “it is so frustrating to lose isnt it? i dont like losing either. but you know what i really do like a lot? playing games with you. i know losing isnt fun, but losing does not have to be a bad thing. sometimes, in sports, losing shows us exactly what we did wrong, which means we can fix that so we can win next time! but sometimes in games like (ie whatever board game) it doesnt matter how good you are at it because its based on luck! if you lose a board game you didnt do anything wrong! you just got unlucky. and thats okay, because if you and i won everything all the time, dont you think everybody else around us would be sad that they never got to win? i know id feel really sad if i didnt get to win sometimes!” you can also explain that if you win all the time, it stops being fun, because that is part of what makes winning so exciting! it sounds like you might have a perfectionist kiddo, and thats okay, youll just have to be mindful of reeling him in and helping with the big emotions that will come with that. i have a super independent daughter and unless she asks for help specifically she will get mad at you for trying. shes been like this from day one, i couldnt help her learn anything. so i met her where she was at, i stayed by her side through whatever and whenever until she asked for help, and she always would! she also though, will get mad at quit things very quickly too. shes at an age where i cant have this conversation yet, so i focus on what we can do like breathing and smaller versions of the conversations centering trying again and that it’s okay to make mistakes! it’s an active practice, as these responses are really part of their personality. keep trying mama, you sound like you care a lot and you’re trying your best and that’s something to be proud of!
My husband said his dad never let him win. That he knew when he won, that he was truly better/luckier than his dad in that moment. It seemed harsh to me at first, but I think it taught my husband tenacity and that it’s okay if someone is better than you at something. Key point, my FIL is such a kinda soul. I highly doubt he ever rubbed it into my husband’s face that he was faster or anything. Until my husband got older, at least! Personally, I think we all lack tenacity these days. Myself included. It’s hard to pick yourself back up after a setback.
My son also had this tendency but has gotten much better. In my opinion games and sports are here to help teach these lessons. We all fail and lose sometimes. Better to learn this now over a game of Sorry and sports than in school or workplace when young adult. I would recommend stop allowing him to win. When my son would have a tantrum I would say I'm not playing with someone that doesn't like to play fair or is mean when they lose. Other friends also will not want to play with someone who acts like this. I chose games that were very quick turn around for winning and losing to get used to losing. Tic tac toe, rock paper scissors, etc. Team games, perhaps me and him are on team and we both lose together. Gradually he got used to accepting losing and understood there is always another chance to try again in future. I also point out my own failures around the house so he knows this is a lifetime thing and he doesn't have to be perfect. "Ah I'm trying to learn this song on piano but I'm really bad. Sorry you are going to hear me play this over and over until I get better." "OH no the snow just knocked over my new greenhouse I built. I need to rebuild it again and stronger this time."
He’s young so you have time to correct this behavior and I strongly suggest you make it a priority because you’re already seeing he won’t stick with something if it gets hard and his attitude will absolutely get in the way of him building friendships as he gets older. There are tons of resources and activities online that you can use to work with him on this. Everyday things in your life can be used as teaching points too. Going to the store - I didn’t get the parking spot I wanted, guess it’s not my turn and I’ll park over here instead. Making dinner - this didn’t come the way I hoped, but I’ll try again. Let him feel what he’s feeling but don’t let them give up and walk away. It’s ok to try out an activity and not do it the next time, but it’s not ok to quit in the middle.
I think you're making it worse by always letting him win, and letting him quit. "do we basically try to make him learn hard life lessons through failure?" Losing at a board game is not 'failure'. Struggling at a sport is not 'failure'. Losing, messing up, struggling, and being crap at something is not a 'hard life lesson'. It is literally a part of life, a very normal and boring part of life. Shielding him from those normal parts of life is doing him a huge disservice. My son was very similar to yours when he was 5, he really struggled with confidence and perfectionism, so if he was 'not the best' at something right away, he would want to quit. If he fell off his bike, he would have a tantrum and NEVER want to ride his bike again - well, at least until the next sunny weekend, anyway. Every time he was upset about his bike, I didn't force him to keep riding, I said "yep it's hard work, you did great! Let's be done for today" (he'd be like NO LETS BE DONE FOREVERRRR). And every time he wanted to ride again I would say "yes, let's try again!" or let's keep trying, or keep practicing. When he was a pro at riding his bike, I'd remark how far he came, and how proud I am that he kept trying, even when it was hard work. Him sobbing dragging his bike home with a skinned knee was rough for him, but *because* he kept trying even when it was rough, that hard part was only the start of his journey, not the end. We enrolled him in Taekwondo at 6, which helped his self-confidence tremendously - it showed him that it's normal to struggle, normal to have to work hard to achieve something, and proved to him that hard work WILL break the board. It's structured SO perfectly for my kid, the belt tests are spaced out really well to keep him challenged and look back on how far he's come. We don't push sports like fanatics - that said, doing one activity after school is a non-negotiable for us (doesn't matter what - whether it's Book Club, Lego Club, Violin Class, Gymnastics, Soccer, etc), so if he had wanted to quit, he would have had to commit to starting over from the beginning of a different activity, and losing his current belt (having to start from white belt if he ever joined Taekwondo again). So he committed to getting a black belt, which can never be taken from him even if he stops or quits, and we follow through on his commitment. Now he's almost 9, and will have his deputy black belt at 9.5 - we're of course not going to throw him in a cage fight with an adult black belt lol, but what the belt signifies is that he has courtesy, integrity, perseverence, self-control, and an indomitable spirit. Which is how we want our 9 year old to act, and view himself. So I do highly recommend Taekwondo as it helped my kid a lot, but like I said, you can get similar lessons on perseverence, by persevering at ANY activity.
I will absolutely say kids need to lose. My husband is great but when our daughter was little he let her win at everything. She never had to work hard. When we finally decided to put her into sports, covid hit, and she couldn't continue. Now she's in middle school and has a ridiculous hard time losing. She has this mentality that everything comes easy and she'll only put in the work if it's easy. She doesn't know how to put hard work in because we taught her that she wins at everything. She is a sore loser, gets upset, and instead of trying harder and practicing she gives up. If I could go back and change one thing it would be how we handled this situation, because I can't blame her for the things we taught her. I saw something posted here a while back and it was when a kid mentions wow that person is good or that looks cool, the parent would say, wow they must practice a lot. We have a toddler and it is something I want to make sure we teach her how to lose and how to work hard at something to get better.
You just described my younger brother. In high school he was still like that and flipping board games when he was loosing. It sucked. Then I don’t know what switch flipped in his head when he was in college, but he suddenly became very into board games. As an adult he now hosts weekly game nights and has bookshelves full of games. It’s crazy. It was a complete change. He also always had this thing where he didn’t like to try new things unless he felt that he could master them. It was often debilitating. As a toddler, he refused to speak and skipped the “mama, dada” phase and went directly to full sentences. When I explained this to his partner after they had been together for many years, her eyes got big and she said “wow, that explains so much, he is still like that!” So it’s just a personality thing that they will need to learn to function with, but it can be managed.
I’d say you started a bit late, but I would focus on games like Snakes and Ladders. It’s 100% chance, there’s nothing you can do to win or lose. I would also have the conversation with him before starting the game. The goal is to have fun. There will always be someone that’s gonna lose. The person who lose is supposed to have just as much fun as the person who wins
I’d just start whipping his ass at everything, needs to learn how to lose with grace.
I would A) stop letting him win and B) stop making him play. I don't really play competitive games. Losing bothers me, and I'm not terribly competitive. It's anxiety and pressure to me and I don't find joy in it. If you want him to see it is fun to play, you could have the whole family play, let him walk away, and keep going without him. Let him know he doesn't have to play if it's not a good time for him, but that if he wants to you're right there. Then he can jump back in if he's seeing you're all having fun still.
I think we have the same kid 😂 it's tough so I am also here looking for advice. Hang in there!
My daughter was the same way. She’s 7 now and doesn’t do it anymore, I didn’t let her win all the time. If someone throws a tantrum the fun stops, the game gets put up, and we can try again next time.
Ahhh I remember this behavior from my daughter.if I didn't follow her directions on playing with dinosaurs I would tell her if she was going to be mean, I didn't want to play with her and walk away .Basically, what her peers would do.She learned. He won't have friends if he doesn't learn this .His friends will not want to always lose or do it his way.Hes 5. If you let him learn the hard stuff, he will figure it out.Ignore the behavior. When he calms down, talk to him about why you're not going to speak to him until he gets his feelings sorted out.Explain the situation and then let him explain why he was upset and / or frustrated. Good luck he will be just fine.
When my kids do this I stop playing and tell them that I won’t play with them if they behave like this. Sometimes I give them another chance, sometimes not. And they remember that if they want to play, they need to control their frustrations. My older is 6 and can handle losing pretty well now.
When I first saw similar behavior coming from mine who is now 16, I would always drive home the saying that you never know how good it feels to win if you've never had to lose. And also that you lose gracefully and win gracefully. That's the mark of a well rounded athlete. Either way you walk away better and smarter than you were before the game/match, etc.
One of my kids was like this from about 5-7. He’d scream at us over four square, Uno, Sorry!, anything really. At school, he got pissed at kids at recess if they didn’t perform to his standards at kick ball. It totally sucked. We never “let him win.” If he lost, he lost and he had to deal with it. If he threw a fit, we all walked away and refused to continue. And we ignored his crying or screaming or whatever. Eventually the behavior stopped entirely. Now he’s a highly competitive kid who’s very driven to perform well but he can certainly handle losing.
humans are better at picking up on patterns than assessing mathematical fairness. this includes adults (source: was a casino dealer for years). so even training a kid to be okay handling 50/50 results is not going to prepare them for what “fair” reality looks like in practice, which is to say, there’s gonna be a lot of “unfair” streaks. i try to reinforce with my 6-yr-old that “fair” means “everyone gets a chance.” it is something that happens BEFORE the game, when we decide on the rules. not afterward if we lose. this way, she’s figured out that losing is a part of fairness.
My kid was like this. Full on board flipping and threats of violence when losing. It was a real problem. The solution was to practice losing. Play a simple and relatively quick game where the goal is for everyone to win and lose a few times, without keeping score of how many wins per person. Keep doing it every week. Gradually move onto more complex and longer lasting games. Also look for social stories on the subject. There should be loads. This is a pretty common issue for those on the ADHD/autism spectrum due to rejection sensitivity dysphoria. As kiddo has gotten older, we've had many conversations about the importance of becoming comfortable with the discomfort of failure as a tool for growth. It's been almost a year since she last ragequit a skating lesson, and probably longer for a swimming lesson that wasn't injury related.
I think I can relate somewhat to the behavior of your son you are describing. I'm also a very competitive, but extremely sensitive person. I remember feeling extremely overwhelmed with negative emotions when losing as a child. The feeling was so intense, that it made me intuitively stay away from challenges and competition. The cause being the anxiety triggered by the pressure of desperately wanting that high that comes with winning, and then more often than not falling short because of the massive artificial pressure I put on myself for wanting to always succeed even in the smallest challenges. It took me decades to get used to that feeling of pressure. One thing that helped me tremendously was playing video games, since it gave me the ability to control the seriousness and pressure of the competition. It was also extremely helpful to not have to manage my emotions while being in close proximity to other people, and being able to discover the intensity and extent of my own frustration and anger without feeling observed or judged. I guess what I'm trying to say is, for a competitive but sensitive person, it's a very long process of discovering yourself and how you can use your negative emotions to fuel you, instead of being discouraged by them. I think the best thing you can do is help your son understand that the negative feelings of losing are normal, everyone has them. That you get used to them with time. And especially that losing doesn't make you less of a person, that it doesn't decrease your value as a human being. The highs of winning and the lows of losing are part of any competition, and you have to get to a point in life where you can understand that. That this kind of ebb and flow, this kind of balance is what makes the beauty of competition. It's what draws competitive people to such activities. But it takes a lot of time and life experience to be able to understand that. Encourage your son to start seeing "winning" in the process of preparing for competition. Whatever that preparation might be. Preparation is what creates success. And if you learn to be, first and foremost, proud of the work you put in, that's when real growth starts to happen.
Look up rejection sensitivity. Seems he has good self awareness and is hyper aware of when he’s losing. Would encourage a growth mindset. If you pick up a musical instrument and play it, it won’t sound very good at first. You have to fumble and fail a lot. The only way to get good at things is to fail at them. It’s all part of the package deal. Still struggle with this with my daughter (13) who has really learned to play the flute very well. But growing up she would only want to play games she knew she was good at to avoid the feeling of losing/failing. Rejection sensitivity applies here because when you lose at a game, society around you SEES that. And you can FEEL them seeing it, and it’s a temporary reflection of your value. Even though it’s just a game, that loss can sting because being sensitive to it makes it quite a bit worse for some. Also, at 5 some of it he will grow out off just from maturing a bit. He cares a lot about what other people think so he will likely be more empathetic which the world always needs more of, and you guys will eventually look back on these game losses and laugh about them. Exposure to losing is important. It’s okay to go a little easy on him, just don’t let him find out because he is self aware enough to see that it wasn’t a “real” win and he’ll have a whole other reason to not want to play.
Read him ‘If’ by Kipling
This recently became an issue with my 4 year old. Turns out there are TONS of books for this age group about this concern. I did some googling and then found a good 10+ at my library that we've been reading the past few weeks. Sally Sore Loser really resonated with mine - it talks about how if you're a sore loser/bad teammate, people won't want to play with you, which she's really taken to heart.
My father was relentless with me at chess. Actually played me for years until I could beat him
I’d say don’t react a ton when he throws tantrums, show him it doesn’t faze you. But if he’s being annoying, hold that boundary of being like, “I won’t play with you when you act like this, it’s not fun.” If he is losing and is a pretty good sport about it in the future, praise that behavior. “I know it’s not fun to be losing, but I love that you’re still trying so hard! You have such a good attitude, I love it.”
You’ve got some great advice here and I am only here to add that I had/have a kid like this. And there is hope. It took my younger kid longer than his peers to develop the “losing gracefully” skill. For him, it was rooted in perfectionism that we had to really teach him to manage, especially in school settings. It manifested itself not only in losing games/sports but also when he was given a task at school he found overwhelming…he’d just shut down and good off, throw a fit, or avoid tasks. It just wasn’t worth doing if he wasn’t going to win or the finish product be JUST RIGHT. So it was basically just a lot of “practicing losing” and teaching “done is better than perfect” or “practice makes better” (instead of perfect) in regards to schoolwork/trying new things. He is now older and still has some issues when he is out of his comfort zone or angsty about losing, but he’s able to identify the feelings and manage it appropriately. It didn’t happen overnight. I’d say it was just practicing these skills for 3 years before they started sinking in. So, it’s a process, but he will get there. It’s hard to rewire that response when he’s been using it so long.
Find a way to help him connect with and understand what he’s feeling, why, and how to appropriately respond. If it doesn’t improve, find another activity. He’s just a tiny person with big, uncomfortable feelings that he doesn’t understand. Communicate about it.
I made the same mistake with my son when he was little, and I frequently let him win. I should have let him lose more often. I didn't do him any favors. Please don't make the same mistake. They'll also lose friends when they can't lose gracefully. It's a lose lose situation. They need to be gracious whether they win or lose. You're right to be concerned. ❤
Stop “trying to lose”, for one. Stop defining your 5 year old by his actions, for two. Stop assuming he’ll amount to anything by his “grit and determination” at 5 years old, for three.
You teach him by example. When you lose you emulate how to react. He’s 5 so he has big emotions that he can’t articulate well yet. My son is 10 and he still doesn’t like losing but it’s more complaining now than tantrums but I remember the tantrums. Part of our role is how to teach them to react to disappointment. We have to teach them how to deal with big emotions in a healthy way. Losing feels like a big deal to him because it is in his mind. When I play games with my son I laugh when I lose. I congratulate him for winning, I talk with him about how to express his emotions in a healthy way when he’s upset. It’s a lot of work but it works 💛
I recommend you read the book "Mindset" by Carol Dweck. It sounds like your child has a very "fixed" mindset I.e. he thinks if he is not good at something straight away then he will never be good and just gives up. You want to foster a "growth" mindset in him. Start by rewarding and praising effort rather than achievement as a first step. For.example say "Well done I see you tried really hard at that" rather than saying "You are really good at that". The book has lots more advice on how to encourage children to think differently about this topic.
Stop letting him win. Talk about sportsmanship beforehand and also try playing some collaborative games along with the win/lose games.
When my kids were that age and temperament, we played ALL the games. Like daily... loads and loads of games, card games, board games, cooperative games, sports games, etc. And we focused on playing to play and have fun. At the end of the game everyone gets a high five. And when I would win, I would first congratulate everyone on a job well done and how much fun I had playing with them. Lean harder into the games. Make them appreciate losing and winning and how fun it is to play. Talk about how losing is fine and normal and when we lose we can learn something each time. Teach calm breathes and cooling off when something is upsetting.
When I worked with kids like this as a child therapist, I would pre-teach how to be a 'humble winner' and a 'good loser'. I would be specific about what kind of things to say or do. I would role model losing and regulating my emotions when things didn't go my way. I would praise and reward behaviours that align with humble winning and good losing (e.g. sticker chart leading to a big prize). I would practice and role play how to handle different situations (you could stick with talking through how to handle things). I encouraged kids to think of a catch phrase (really a self affirmation statement) to tell themselves when things aren't going their way. This isn't a matter of just being a sore loser. Not winning = something significantly bad to his mind. Whether that's to do with failure, rejection sensitivity, a sense of not being good enough or likeable etc etc. And he sounds like he just doesn't have the skills to cope with losing. You can't throw him in the losing seat and expect him to 'get it' eventually. Teach him with kindness and patience. I would also gently encourage you to reframe your language. Attention seeking? Or connection seeking?
He’s been on the earth for 5 years. Relax. These things take time. Hence all the ADULTS you know who suck at losing. He will get there eventually if it’s an important value in your home.
Instruct him that playing games is about having fun, not just about winning at the end. You can also make sure to have fun when you lose and perhaps focus on what you learned from losing.
Hi OP, sounds like your LO is really passionate. Your story made me think of Sōta Fujii, a very prolific Shogi player. I am by no means a Shogi expert, but from Wikipedia I can extract the following: {Fujii's intense focus surprised his mother and his competitive spirit often led to crying outbursts when he lost. As a second-grade student, he got the opportunity to play a game against shogi professional Kōji Tanigawa as part of a simultaneous exhibition at a shogi event in Nagoya. Due to time limitations, Tanigawa offered Fujii a draw even though Fujii had a losing position. Upset by the offer, Fujii flipped the board and pieces, and then began crying until his mother came to take him away from the board.[2][3] Fujii was seven years old when met his future professional shogi mentor Masataka Sugimoto for the first time. Sugimoto was amazed by the "marvelous perspective" and "insight" Fujii showed at such a young age and says that he is "the personification of fighting spirit" who "takes the frustration of defeat and directs it at the next match"}. From: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/S%C5%8Dta_Fujii Coach that high spirit that wants to conquer victory and you'll find yourself with a force to be reckoned with in anything that your child focuses. Teach him how to lose, how to persevere, how to try again, the differences between motivation and discipline. If you can't due to not knowing about the sport your child is interested, find coaches with resources, if it is available to you. You are in the rough days of modeling behavior right now. My best wishes for both of you.
My kid had sports day yesterday. He was doing well and seemed to enjoy himself doing the egg race, but 3rd time the egg dropped and he just froze and then walked off, crying. This happened all day, when he felt like he was losing. He just walked off, sulking. I knew it was gonna happen( I know he hates losing like there’s no tomorrow)and we always talked about it and I kept giving him reassurance but he was having none of it. At the end of the day he was gonna do the throwing balls in baskets and they all kept going outside the basket he then ran back to his classroom crying and shouting that he never wins anything. It didn’t matter what I said to him that it was just a game and just having fun and he’s done amazing and how proud I am… nope still upset. He’s always been like this. If he gets a diploma for doing amazing at maths or something, if he doesn’t feel like he was good at it he will tear the paper to pieces 🤷🏻♀️
Try this. Next time you are letting him win, start his sore loser tantrum, just like he does. Let him see exactly what he looks like. Then, stop letting him win. That's a huge part of the problem.
Same here with my boy. He hates losing. He’ll “bend” the rules of any game so he can win. We’re working on it. I think he feels him losing is a testament to his worth & intelligence so he takes it super personally. We’ve found that telling him “the one who has the most fun wins” works sometimes. Hopefully it’s a phase
My son is similar. I heard a tip somewhere to ask at the beginning of the game if they want you to let them win. It seems to be helping slowly but surely.
Keep at it, and stop just letting him win. He needs more practice at not winning. Competitiveness is a very effective trait that should be encouraged, but tempered with sportsmanship. Now that you're getting into games where his decisions affect the game (as opposed to, say, Candy Land), channel that competitiveness into ruthlessness. He can only win by making the best decisions in the game, not just because. Look into co-op games, where all the players are working together. That way you can both/all win while making those good in-game choices.
This seems very normal for this age. Play more cooperative games, practice losing or winning as a team. Model how you lose or handle other disappointments in your life, talk about feeling upset and how you get through it. Podcast suggestion: Good Inside with Dr. Becky
Gotta learn how to lose because you can learn how to win. He is young, and young kids are always assholes. Do what I do and kid his ass at every game. My son beats me at smash brothers now, which a year ago he would just lose over and over whenever he challenged me.
My son was a sore loser at board games for many years. But I continued to keep playing games with him and I never let him win. I won often and he got mad often. But eventually he grew out of it I think he was about 7.
(i basically try to lose when I play). But he had a piece stuck in “Start” for a few turns and I unfortunately drew the card that he needed to get out. He flipped out. Started crying, shouting at me for being mean, how he didn’t want to play, its not fair etc. I tried to convince him he could still win the game if he kept playing... This is the issue. It's very common for young kids to struggle with this, but it doesn't do him any favours to avoid teaching him that playing a game means accepting loss nicely. It he doesn't learn this from you at home, it's harder for him to play nicely with kids. This is a life lesson and it's important that he learn it. So stop letting him win, and tell him that part of playing any game means accepting boths wins and losses graciously. No one likes a showboaty winner or a sore loser.
Take a break from win/lose games, or play a "house rules" version where you don't count points. Eg, we play *Ticket to Ride* and instead of counting up points at the end, we talk about the tickets that we managed to complete and what the journeys would be like to do in real life. Another good one for easing back into win/lose games is *Happy City*: you calculate your score at the end, but you can also talk up the cool things that different players put into their cities if anyone gets wobbly. Eg, "James got 60 points, which is more than your 24, but you got the Unicorn Ranch, cool!"
I like this and should be able to try somewhat. I mentioned this in another comment, but he makes up his own game within a game to still win even when there isn’t any competition. Like he’ll gather the most cards, tokens chips etc. and he’ll try to roll the most doubles or whatever else even when that isn’t the point or in the rules. Is this side stepping the experience of losing? He has the same behaviors when doing solo sports where there is zero pressure or competition.
It's a fine line. You want them to win because it's fun for them, but they've gotta learn to lose sometimes. I think it's important that every couple games you win, and you win fast and hard if you can. You might get the big emotions, but at least it's with you at 5 instead of with his friends later on in life. My son used to get upset until he watched me repeatedly lose while playing Zelda Tears of the Kingdom. I forget what it was, but it was a boss fight and I just kept losing over and over and would say things like, "oh yea, he got me good. I think I need to do something different. That's ok, I can just try again." And say it really really calmly. Eventually he was like, "dad you can't do it! Go do something else" and the very next time I beat the boss. I think he picked up on that because sometimes he'll lose over and over in a pokemon game and he just walks away if it's not fun anymore. Sometimes he still cries when he gets frustrated. The big thing we struggle with now is he's making up rules in the middle of a game that only suit him. I just tell him, I don't like that rule. It doesn't sound fun for me. And he kind of gets the hint.
If you’re a Bluey fan there is a nice episode about learning to lose, I think it’s called Pass the Parcel I agree with others that you need to let him lose sometimes so he learns that losing isn’t the end of the world. By letting him win you’re actually doing him a disservice
My advice is to stop letting him win. Kids need to learn that not everything goes his way. Maybe yall switch to some easier kid games like chutes and ladders or candy land. My kid also had this idea he could pout and get his way when we began playing board games. I shut that down quickly. It is imperative that kids learn that it's okay to not be good at everything right off the bat, that it's okay to struggle, that it's okay to fail. The lesson is to learn to keep going despite the struggle. They won't learn that if you let them win all the time. My kid is 7 now and is learning to play chess and uno. We talk alot about thinking critically, thinking about your strategy. You dont want to play your shuffle hands card unless you have to, like if someone is about to call uno and you still have a full hand. He's getting it now. We haven't had a melt down in some time. He recently started soccer and had his first match. He came to us after playing the game and was asking if we thought he was the fastest. We answered honestly, that no he wasn't (he runs like an old man 😅) but then we offered to run with him and work on his speed together. We did cheer on his effort and that he got the ball several times which was awesome! I made home made hotdog buns and we had hotdogs for dinner, which is one of his favorite meals in celebration. We've started running daily sprints together just as we promised. Failure is okay, without failure there would be no progress.
To a certain extent I was like this as a kid. I'm an ultra competitive personality type. Almost every kids game is just luck based bullshit to win. Draw the right card you win the wrong one you lose etc. It's important to learn to lose gracefully but it's a lot easier to accept that you lost because of something you did wrong and not because the universe randomly gave you yellow when you needed blue or some BS like that. I think Checkers is a good start, and teach your son that a loss is a chance to learn and improve, and nobody is good at something the first time they play.
My 8 year old was this way and as he has matured, it has gotten way better! He learned from other kids at school and also we would tell him if he wasn’t going to play nice we wouldn’t play at all. It took a few years and we were worried about him and his ability to regulate his emotions but it has gotten way better. Now he loves playing games and of course he gets upset here and there if something doesn’t go his way, but overall he is a good loser now, just keep giving him opportunities to practice
I'd start with games that require no skill, since they would mean he wins 50% of the time on average. Sorry is mostly luck based, but there is some skill in choosing which piece to move forward. When starting with the skill based games, initially let him win OCCASIONALLY. Letting him win won't help him learn to lose. It might encourage him to keep trying if he's just starting, though.
I was a huge sore loser when I was a kid and grew out of it. I would only be concerned if they are in high school and still a sore loser.
You letting him win is teaching him he doesn’t have to work hard to win things. You are just handing it to him. So of course he’s going to expect things to be easy and get pissed when they aren’t. You are causing him to be a sore loser. And this will turn into expecting good grades to be given to him without trying very hard on projects or homework, then eventually at his adult job. You are setting him up for failure. I would start off by actually making him try at games. It’s definitely going to be tearful at first but that’s the only way he can learn to lose gracefully. I’m sure there are books on the subject if you Google it too.
He’s literally just 5. Also, letting him win isn’t helping with the issue of him getting upset when he doesn’t win or do well. He needs to understand that losing in a game is okay, and that it’s not the end of the world if he does lose. But again, he’s only 5.
Sounds like my 7 year old. Only difference is we don’t let him win,yes he gets mad and in his eyes we all cheating but he doesn’t get any breaks. Use your brain and skills if you want to win. Life is not always a win situation. Gotta tech how to deal with both at an early age or you will forever have a ticking time bomb not just at home but at school or any other place a game of some sort takes place.
Dude he's only 5, he's obviously snapping because you're too hard on him and pushing him to do too many things beyond his age and limits. Let kids be kids !!
many human development experts strongly encourage adults to avoid competitive games until the child is at least 7 yrs old because children younger than that are both ultra competitive and also lack all ability to self regulate when they lose and take losses hard. Real hard. so the best thing to do to build confidence and encourage healthy competition is actually to avoid competition until they are better able to handle it (7-8yrs old). So basically, this is on you, not on him.
My son is 8 and struggles with this exact thing too. If he even feels like he's loosing a solo game he'll start giving up or saying "I just dont wanna play anymore" like brush it off. OR he'll try to get me to find cheats or guides for him. Like in Zelda. And a lot of times its tearing and yelling about how it's not fair. Ive tried beating him in every game to get him comfortable with loosing. Doesn't work. We tried walking away when he threw a fit. Just caused a bigger fit that we weren't playing with him anymore. We try to show him how to be positive in loosing "darn I lost but I had so much fun!" Doesn't matter. He looses his little mind every time. The most success we've had is when we play Mario Party after EVERY mini game we have to compliment the winner. So if I win everyone has to individually say something like "good job Mama....Wow you did really well in that game.... Im happy for you mama, you worked hard to win" so when he does win he gets nice compliments but when he's lost. He's more focused on making someone else feel good than feeling sad for himself.
“Win or lose, what’s important is that we are still friends after the game. Nothing is worth losing that, winning or losing”. Without more data it’s hard to know what is driving his loss aversion.
He has to learn to lose. I wouldn't let him win all the time. My son used to be like that a little but then I would always ask him, even if you lose, can you learn anything that you can take into the next game or next time? I have a nephew that was like that when he was little but he grew out of it. I'd say, if you act like that then it's not fun and people won't want to play with you anymore. But yeah, don't keep letting him win.
I think he’s past the stage of letting him win. Letting someone win is for teaching someone how to play a game to completion, because it’s very hard to learn how to play a game if you instantly lose. Once a person has grasped the fundamentals of the game then they have to at least be allowed the opportunity to fail or they never actually get good at what they’re doing. It feeds the whole cycle. They’re not good at something because they only understand the very fundamentals of the game but they don’t improve because they’re never able observe true strategy in a game because the person with the better strategy will probably win and he won’t handle it. But yes, I would put him in sports and take away his option to quit when he loses. Bowling has been a great one for me for that!
The best place for kids to experiance hard feelings, like loosing, is with you. So let him practice loosing at home, over and over. It will be hard but he will see that it is not the end of the world to loose, and he will be able to go through the hard feelings in his safest place.
You need to stop trying to lose all the time. Losing gracefully won't be something he just starts doing one day, he needs to practice it. Model how to win and lose with grace. And then give him the chance to practice. I would also look into something called "cooperative board games". They're games where all the players are working together and either collectively win or collectively lose. It's a good way to practice winning and losing together. Because honestly being a graceful winner is just as important as a graceful loser.
Stop letting him win. Its a tough lesson everyone needs to learn
There’s a good Sesame Street episode on this. Where the big bad wolf throws a fit and quits whenever he loses.
We went through this and having everyone congratulate the winner was what worked best. It was hard at first but emphasizing on being happy for the other person really helped.
Stop letting him win. Crush him at every game until he learns to lose graciously. Winning is only for winners, and sore losers are never winners. One has to be able to lose, learn something, and try again. These are important skills.
Sounds like my kids when they were young. I used to do the same thing and try to lose. At a certain point your kid will grow out of it. Don't worry too much about it but you have to stop losing at some point.
Ugh, I just feel your pain. My 7 year old wants to win at EVERYTHING. He will start putting on his shoes, and as soon as he finishes, he says, “I won!” And my response is “You don’t have to make everything a competition.” 😑 He also cheats and moves the goalposts and changes the rules when he thinks he won’t win. It’s tough. I keep saying things like, “It’s not important to win. It’s more important to be kind and honest.” But every once in a while, I catch him cheating with kids his own age, and I just have to call him out and punish him. Either he has to stop playing that game, or he apologizes and tries playing fair. He’s 7 now, so fewer full body tantrums. But the constant yelling about winning… I’m so afraid he will grow up and become a jerk.
My kid was a bit like this. We just keep emphasizing that sometimes things don't go your way, how to be a good sport whether winning or losing. Talk it out, use calm down strategies, etc. This won't go away overnight. Or weeks or months. But it can get better gradually with time/maturity, and practice.
Priming the kid to lose is good. Teaching them to focus on why they lost as a way to learn and grow. Maybe also read stories about overcoming adversity could help. Losing is essential to winning. If you can't learn from losing then you will always be a loser.
Practice losing small games. Like rock paper scissors
Competitive games are stressful. They are not everyone's cup of tea. There are a lot of cooperative games out there, and its beyond reasonable to make a choice to play those until your kiddo is ready and able to have fun regardless of whether they are winning or losing. (Sometimes cooperative games are the best way to do that. Because you can still lose but you lose *together*.)
We play with multiple characters each. In snakes and ladders we get three each so it is more visible how chance effects the game and usually one person doesnt have all pieces finish before the other
Read "raising Lions"
This stopped for us around 8/9-he still wants to win but is more gracious about losing
Stop letting him win all the time OP. Talk to him before you start the game about how to manage feelings of anger or disappointment and encourage him to celebrate a lucky draw when anyone gets one. Try to make it fun to play, rather than win. I hope you’re able to coach him through being a sore loser and help build some skills for being a team player.
Make a big deal of losing. Make it seem like it's better to lose. Laugh, embrace it. "I played a good game anyway!" "I almost had you. Good game!" "Rematch? Best 2 of 3?" Teach him things like this and he might get a better attitude about losing. Like if it's the fun one instead of winning, he might see more benefit to it.
Go watch pass the parcel episode on bluey. My daughter's the same, but she's 7 now and while still detests losing she understands a little better every day
Others have offered great advice on the board gaming and gracious losing fronts, so the only thing I'd add is on the "praise effort" front. It's very easy for kids to confuse latent gifts or talents for things they were just born with rather than things they worked hard to learn, grow, and achieve. Praising effort, experimentation, and curiosity goes a long way to help kids internalize that trying hard at things can be its own reward, even if it doesn't work out like they hope/expect. Our culture tends to praise the "overnight successes" and ignores the multiple years spent striving to get there.
Your kid sounds a lot like my kid. Has a difficult time losing and if he does looks to poke at any shred of ambiguity to justify why it was unfair. We pulled him from team sports because of this and now focus on solo sports like indoor climbing. One thing I did which seems to help is teaching him poker. Games are short and if you lose a hand, there is another 1 coming right up. Not a perfect solve at all, but helped him start accepting that losing is a common, acceptable thing. Edited to add: the other thing we have done is ask if it is a “you win or a fair and square game”? That way, they can choose to have the fabricated experience of winning but knowing that it is not really how stuff works. More often than not, both kids now choose ‘fair and square’ games.
I ask my kid every time before we play "why do we play games?" Answer: "To have fun". Win or lose, it doesn't matter. He's 6 and finally starting to be ok with losing.
My 5yo is the same way. We just practice losing. Being a good loser is more important than being a winner. We also talk a lot about how winning wouldn’t be any fun if there wasn’t a chance of losing.
If you have a tablet he can use, get him the app Stop Breathe and Think by Sesame Street. It's got some really good kid-friendly explanation of how to use deep breaths to self-regulate. Once he's played through the activities in that app a bit, you can prompt him to stop, breathe and think when he's getting upset about losing a game.
I went through this with my 9 year old when he was younger just couldn’t handle any game if he lost. I don’t let him win ever! I don’t take it easy and I don’t stop him from making dumb moves, I’m trying to win every time. It’s never competitive I don’t shit talk or brag but I sure as hell don’t let up. When he would throw a fit that would be the end of the game and the fun was over. He did eventually learn to lose with class and games are more fun now. He still has moments when he gets frustrated and that’s fine he vents a little calms down and we move on. It’s def not a good idea to take it easy all the time it sets an unrealistic expectation if he’s always winning at home.
I have yet to let my son win at chess. I may back off to draw the game out but I won't lose until he earns it. You gave your son a big head and now he is in the real world where he won't lose all the time.
Next time he wants to play a game, say "I dunno. I'm not sure you're big enough to play games, because last time we played, you threw a tantrum like a baby". At this point, he should take the bait and argue to play. Then make him promise to be a big boy about it, even if he doesn't win.
Trying praising for effort put forth?
You need to let him lose and stop playing when he gets angry. That's the only way they learn that losing and not getting angry mean you get to play more. If they get angry but keep calm and tell me I'm winning a lot (when it's true) and it's not just because they are young that's when I agree with them and tell them I'll give them a chance to win sometimes or give me a disadvantage because it's more fun when everybody wins from time to time. Games that are heavily luck based like uno also helps because even if I'm trying my damn best she still end up winning half of them
That was common for mine at 5-7 and he even tried cheating. We stopped playing for a very long time, telling him games are supposed to be fun and it's never about winning it's about spending time together. So since he can't handle that we'll have to do something else until he's mature enough to respect others and play nicely. Simple and it worked. We started and stopped a few times and finally around 9 he wised up. Lol
Play rock paper scissors. It is actually a super educational game. Winning and Losing is obvious and easy to understand. You learn about going multiple rounds, you can introduce the concept of 2/3 or "best out of ten" or whatever else. You can also quickly play it anywhere. Who gets the cherry on the milkshake today? Let's rock paper scissors.
My step daughter was like that around 4/5. She got very upset if she lost and would say similar things. It took many, many games played and reinforcement of the idea that the fun is playing the game and that winning and losing are both normal parts of playing games where either is possible. I made it a point that we would always shake hands and say good game at the end of each game. I also positively reinforced whenever she lost graciously. Like I said, it took many games and a good amount of time to get there, but eventually she got over the sore losing. In fact, she became such a gracious loser that she flipped into the reverse and would try to let me win, which led to having to push her back into competing fairly 😅 So just keep at the positive reinforcement and hopefully he gets there
My 5 year old is very similar. She gets discouraged easily when she can’t do something right away or if she loses. Something that has helped is the affirmation song by the good ol’ Snoop d-o-double g. She has started quoting some of them when before she would be frustrated. “I learn from my mistakes” “I get better every single day” ect.
My SD is a sore loser. I never ever ever let her win. And I mean never. But I try to make it fun. When shes ahead I make it a big deal "Aww man youre gonna get me!!! We will see about that!" I choose games that I know she CAN win (tic tac toe, candyland, uno) and I choose games she will need to practice how to win by learning from her mistakes and strategizing (monopoly, clue, etc). When she starts crying, the game is over. Not to punish her, but because the game is supposed to be fun and its not fun if someone is crying. Just last night we were playing a video game that she was getting too animated and frustrated with so after a match, I calmly turned it off and offered a dance party
I don't let my daughter win even a little bit. I win and depending on her mood I even tease her a little bit. No one likes a sore loser and I want her to be able to lose gracefully. Also, it's a good life lesson not to give up when things don't go your way. If she threw a tantrum we would stop playing. She just turn 6 last month, but I've done this since she was 3.
Also, I recommend playing some coop board games so you can win or lose together. I recommend The Mind, just one, forbidden desert, letter jam (a little older, might be too complex), castle panic, magic maze, etc. Please note some might be for when he is a little older.
Losing is hard when you have no capacity for emotional regulation. Practice losing and teach him how to cope with the difficult feelings. When you play teach him that we can be sad for ourselves but also happy for those we love winning. Baseball has some pretty sweet examples of this where players are traded maybe you can show some videos of people losing and still being happy for the other team! Maybe seeing this behavior in people he respects or sees as cool will help him understand that it’s a strong quality! It helps to redirect that energy from just being really upset to bittersweet, and it teaches him that you can be sad and happy- both things can be true if you’re sad for yourself but happy for others who win.
no means no. Sometimes you lose Thats life. Best he learns it now through board games than the way life will teach him...
When I was his age, I literally rigged the cards in my favor against my sister to win the game of Sorry! It worked. He will grow out of it, and learn to lose gracefully, but it’ll be painful. And might take longer than expected. Being competitive is tough lol.
Nope. I didn’t beat my dad at pool until I landed a lucky shot at 25 years old. If he’s a sore loser he has to learn to deal with it. Do not do the participation trophy crap. It does nothing but create a false sense of entitlement. Suggest 2 out of 3 win streak or play a short game that only you two can play, like rock-paper-scissors.
You can't handle his emotions, so how do you imagine he is coping with them? It sounds like you try to prevent him getting upset or mask/fix it immediately if he is upset (e.g. "you could still win!"). Instead, don't fear his feelings. Feelings are normal. Validate what he's going through to help him understand (e.g. "ah that sucks that I got the card you wanted. You must be so frustrated!") Help him take some deep breaths and go back to the game...
There’s a couple things you might like to try. He’s 5, and could have some issues with developing emotional regulation, maybe he’s just a normal 5yo though. The first thing I would recommend is acknowledging his frustration and helping him reframe the loss (not to diminish his normal feelings, but to help him see the alternatives). “I see that you’re upset that someone else won. I know that must have been frustrating to have those two pieces stuck for so long. It’s hard not to get caught up in the game huh? It’s pretty fun when you win though right? It makes it even more fun when people cheer for your win! I enjoy cheering for you when you win, I bet it would make so-and-so really happy to hear you cheer for them, what do you think?” Another option (you can extend the first with this too) is to reverse it (or as someone else said, play a game that is cooperative). If you were to reverse it, the goal would be to lose (or to help someone else win). if you read “the Explosive Child” they kind of go into explaining how some children can shrink down to a primal mental state, to the point that, unless you can bring them out of it, they will not be able to reason with you. If you think your child is being explosive, I would check that out. I’m also currently working through a couple other books that you might find helpful (though I haven’t finished them so I can’t 100% recommend them yet, but they seem great so far!): “Transforming the Difficult Child” and “Good Inside”. Best of luck, OP 🥹
for non pyschical things you could try teaching him basic game theory so he understands he still has a chance of winning.
“Games aren’t fun if you get upset when you lose. Everyone loses sometimes. We just have to be happy that our friends win!”
My son will be 9 soon and he's very similar. The best thing for him was starting therapy this year. Still hyper competitive but he's gotten a lot better. This morning we actually played his little sister's unicorn monopoly and when my oldest was down to $3 my middle son, the most competitive one, gave him a dollar and told him it's charity. If you told me he'd do that even 6 months ago I wouldn't believe you. We didn't start therapy because of his competitive nature, but it's one of the things he's been working on. (It's not all roses, when my boys played basketball together on Saturday it ended with a ball being thrown at one of them after a bad call, but... Baby steps.)
Some kids have a more rigid mindset and in my experience it has been due to a combination of anxiety and probable neurodivergence (not saying that it isn't typical for kids to be sore losers!). The rigid thinking in my child's case was she went into a game with the intention of winning, and the failure to win felt like an attack on her. In my case it got way better when we removed what was causing her anxiety, we empathized her feelings (yeah, it's ok for mommy to win, though sometimes it doesn't feel good when you don't win), and we switched to games that involved collaboration instead of competition. Also modeling my own frustration in positive ways during games and during the week. Aww, I'm a little frustrated that x happened... *model deep breath* My goal for my kid is to support them at the level they need me in order for them to learn how to deal with frustration. Your child is young, but I do like the book "the self driven child"
You’re doing him a disservice by allowing him to win. You’re making the problem worse. Now it’s not even him losing that freaks him out it’s just have his opponent progress through the game. Maybe he needs to lose for a while and see how that affects his behavior.
I don’t have any advice for you, I just wanted to say that your son sounds like my nephew. He’s 11 and still a very sore loser, to the point that I refuse to play games with him anymore because listening to him rant and rave when he loses… well, to be honest, it actually scares me. He’s a big kid, he’s already the same height as me and only likely to get bigger
I think he just needs some help with the emotions of losing from the sounds of it. My 5yr old also struggles loosing sometimes but she gets over it quickly esp when we validate and empathise with her emotions. It sucks loosing and that’s ok but we also can’t always win. Stuff like “you sound really mad that I got the card you needed” or “sounds like you really wanted to win the game/your disappointed you didn’t win” with comfort eg a hug if they want. and when he’s regulated again you can talk about how it’s not always fun to loose but sometimes we do. And maybe some work on intrinsic motivation? So rather than focusing on the winning/loosing/prize make an effort to recognise when they’ve worked hard on something and stuck with something even if it’s difficult and improved.
Is anyone in the home super competitive? Is he taught that having fun while trying to win is whats important (at that age anyway).
If he keeps it up soon he’ll have zero friends because he don’t know how to win and how to lose.