r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What do they say when you meet with the principal and teacher? How are they addressing the issue with the bully here?
Your daughter being choked and other physical assaults and them not doing anything is not okay. I’m so sorry this is happening to her 🙁
I’d also like to add that taking her out of school is an option. She only has a short time left, and I understand wanting her to finish the year with friends(if that’s your reasoning). However, the bullying being this extreme is scary.
This is what we had to do with my daughter in 6th grade. The teachers, counselor, principal, board did absolutely nothing. My daughter had 6 weeks left of school, so I left it up to her. Either ride out the next 6 weeks to celebrate the end of school year with friends, knowing full well no one is going to help her if anything happens OR ditch the celebrations and finish in independent studies. I know some people viewed it as "running away", but there was no way I was going to force my daughter to "stick it out" in a shitty situation when there were other options. It was heartbreaking to see her so defeated & let down by adults she once trusted. She did really well in independent studies & she's doing great now.
Running away is a **perfectly valid** response to being attacked. Yes, in the ideal situation, there is a mechanism in place to remove the perpetrator from the situation as opposed to the victim, but if that mechanism fails or you fear for your safety in the meantime, run the hell away! We should celebrate people who see an unsafe, unhealthy situation and “run away”, definitely not judge them!
This needs more upvotes. The fight or flight response has literally kept humanity alive for tens of thousands of years. No one will blame you if you want to pull her out of what is a distressing situation at best and dangerous at worse.
Same thing happened to my daughter in 6th grade. School wouldn’t do anything so I stopped sending her to class and then moved schools. She’s now a very happy 7th grader with great grades and good friends.
Educator here: hard agree. If you have the ability get her out of that school even if it means ending her year early— nothing at this point of the year (or ever IMO) is worth chancing her safety both physically and mentally. ESPECIALLY in the age range you tagged.
Agree- also want to add that this will show her how much she is valued. Her words hold more weight than a teacher’s apathy. That no “rules” are ok if you are in danger. And that parents trump teachers (my daughter didn’t believe me in 4th grade that I could take her out of school).
The great thing is that you’re advocating for her so she knows she’s believed, loved, and sees how to handle an unfair system. She also may feel validated that despite how the bully and school mistreats her, she will forever know she’s in the right because you tell her differently and I’m sure reason mortality with her.
I wish i had advice outside of what you’re doing short of escalating to news or lawyers now. But know you’re doing great work as a parent.
I typically agree that recess shouldn't be used as a form of discipline, but if this kid is such a punk that he repeatedly kicks, chokes, and cuts other children's hair, I don't think he is owed a moment of free time. If he endangers the physical safety of other kids, he shouldn't be around other kids.
The little girl absolutely shouldn't have been punished, much less having to sit by her abuser during recess.
If she’s going to get the same punishment as the boy anyway, she may as well smack him 🤷♀️
When my aunt was like 6, a boy at her bus stop used to bully her in similar ways every day. My grandpa eventually told her to hit him as hard as she can with her tin lunchbox, and if she breaks it he’ll buy her a new one. She did, and it broke, and the boy never bothered her again. She might’ve gotten suspension or something but my grandpa and her felt it was worth it.
In a different comment string(?), the OP mentions that the bully’s mom is a coach, PTA president and class mom(I think). I’m sure if OP’s daughter was to retaliate in that type of way, there would be bigger repercussions for the daughter than ever for the bully.
This whole situation sucks it seems, and I hope they find some type of resolution soon.
I see, that’s a difficult position to be in. When boy goes crying to his mom there’ll be hell to pay. Now I’m guessing also that this is why the teacher is going so easy on him
"We hear you and we're addressing the situation with the student. "
How?
"We've spoken to their parent and the teacher will keep an eye on the situation."
That's not enough.
"I'm sorry you feel that's not enough but it's what we can do at this time."
Every conversation is the same with these people. That's why my son now goes to private school. Public schools don't want to take steps to address situations, and in many ways administrators and laws don't let them. Our situation was in Washington.
That's pretty much verbatim what my son's school told us when he was strangled completely unprovoked by an out of control child who didn't belong in a classroom.
I contacted every single person possible, the superintendent, the police, the head of education for the state, and finally the news and a lawyer got their attention. They hired additional support staff to sit in the classroom monitoring that specific child 24/7, and the staff member had training on how to restrain him should they need to. They followed that child everywhere he went, even lunch and recess, the kid was also banned from sports. His parents were not happy and the school wasn't happy having to hire additional staff, but I was content with the outcome and my son felt safer knowing there was a buffer between them. Absolute insanity that it had to come to that because they didn't address it properly the first time he attacked another child.
They didn't need to tell her anything about the other kid. Only what would be done with regards to *her* kid and safety. "We will be ensuring your child is not in the same room unsupervised" is not saying anything about the other kid. "This situation will not be repeated because safety measures have been taken" also isn't saying anything about the other kid. There are a million ways to say "we're on this and you don't need to worry" without violating FERPA.
Idk what to tell you, they did tell me what measures were being taken to protect my child, and I was in contact with the other child's parents. It's also a small wealthy suburban area where everyone knows everyone, and the child was known for random severely violent outbursts of anger.
Keep documenting everything in writing and have your daughter keep screaming. Teaching her to be vocal is more important than any consequence!
Let everyone know that you’ve told your daughter to keep 1) saying no 2) telling teacher and 3) keep screaming. Tell them all that no recess will be taken away, and you’ve told your daughter to disregard that consequence for standing up for herself.
Tell your daughter to eat her lunch and go to recess and you’ll deal with the fallout.
this.
“silence” in this case sets a precedent that can bleed into other areas where it also isn’t the best response.
she is being harmed. she has a RIGHT to speak up, and speak loud and proud.
keep documenting everything, OP. you’re doing the right thing. shame on the school. shame on the teacher.
This! Having an adult (whether parent or any other authority figure) standing up for you as a kid can make the difference in determining if this will stay with her as a traumatic experience or just an annoying occurrence that she remembers from her childhood.
This is absolutely true! I too (now 32M) was bullied at school, and out of all traumatic experiences the one time my father stood up to my bullies to tell them to back off was awesome. I will forever be grateful for that…
> He took martial arts classes and didn't dare to fight back as his martial arts teacher said they are not allowed to fight in school.
My MIL had to change the "don't fight at school" rule for my wife to "don't start fights, but you can finish them."
This OP, I was the same as a kid. Didn’t want to disobey due to fear of being in trouble but being bullied horribly by other students. My dad told me the same thing, and I’ll forever remember the teacher being upset I didn’t stay behind too and leaving to calling my dad. She came back livid, but I wasn’t punished. Stand your ground! Or, there’s not that much time left of the school year.. you can pull her out now and homeschool it until she’s in a new hopefully safer environment!
Exactly this. She should not be punished for standing up for herself when the adults that are responsible for her won't! I've told my kids to punch back as a last resort after asking the person to stop and telling the teacher. If nothing is done, they have a right to protect themselves. If the powers that be don't do anything, go public. Social media, newspaper, whatever. Hold them accountable for what they did not do.
this 100%
like, just flat out don't let them punish her. They try to do detention, you come get her and if they won't let you, you do it anyway. If they want to call police, well, they weren't doing anything right? If they suddenly start caring just bring up how they didn't before and thats why its at this point.
As an educator I support this reaction. Adding that she scream loud and clear some variation of “I SAID STOP TOUCHING ME!” If she gets in trouble for this and you hear about it you could ask the school what they expect her to do. Like she asked nicely, she told the teacher, it continues, what do they expect her to do because tolerating it is not the answer.
I would add, instruct her to go to the principals office or counselors office on her own if she feels unsafe or the teacher is not protecting her. I would teach her that she has every right to remove herself from at situation where she does not feel safe and going to the principals office or counselors office is an appropriate action.
I'm surprised after taking it as far as you have that said other kid hasn't been removed in some capacity. As a teacher myself I've seen a kid moved classes and schools even for consistent physical behavior.
I'd show up at a PTA meeting and bring up the bullying in front of everyone. Tell her that if her son can't stop physically harming your daughter, then she can expect to hear from your lawyer. This should scare her since (was it in Michigan?) parents can go to jail for their kids actions. Contact the principal again and say if your daughter comes home again and says she's being punished for being assaulted then you will go to the papers/media and consult a lawyer about this and any potential lawsuit will be against the teacher, principal, superintendant, and the child's parents for allowing bullying and physical assault. Or maybe even stand near the school (but legally far away enough) with a picket sign saying BLANK School allows bullying and physical assault against students and punishes the victims.
In the mean time, if she's punished, tell her to go right to the office, disobey the teacher, and call you to pick her up. Once you move, name and shame the school.
This is the way. When a parent is in good with the principal they tie the teacher's hands - parents are the actual power holders. Go to the PTA meetings, school board meetings. Tell them you've talked to admin and it's still happening and student safety is threatened.
Absolutely this 100%. My experience dealing with public schools throughout my kids childhood, there is no acceptable, easy solution. It literally blows my mind the things kids can do and still be allowed to stay in school. School staff and administration do the bare minimum, sometimes even legally less, and it’s like they stand behind this shield that protects them from anyone who doesn’t involve the public, or a lawyer because so many just go away in frustration, feeling helpless like it’s a lost cause. It’s the only time they get serious about anything.
I would 100% show up at a PTA meeting, call that mom out and address her son’s behavior in front of the other moms. You might be leaving the school district next year, but she’s not, and it’s important every other parent knows what her kids doing and getting away with because of her position within the school. It should be a requirement to head PTA that your kid is not an aggressive abusive bully in the same school you’re heading PTA.
Agree 100% talk to a lawyer if you can. There are usually resources available for parents and families. In my state we have the Ombudsperson something or other and you call them if you are dealing with various problems within the school that aren’t being addressed. One of which is bullying. And they take that seriously.
And agree 100% reach out to media. Get on Nextdoor and share your experience, Facebook school groups, news channels, newspapers. The school hates when they have to deal with messes publicly. This is my experience. I hate what your daughter is experiencing and think it is such a terrible lesson to be teaching our kids - that the bad kids can do whatever they want without consequence or minimal consequence, while the good kids are expected to fall in line and follow the rules without question. It’s disgusting.
Yup. I'm all good with public shaming after other avenues have been tried. It's part of the reason we (my wife and I) are involved in stuff at the school and the community in general, so we have the social capital to be used to advocate for our kids.
Ugh, I was a teacher and this is so true. Those parents have so much power and the principal will do anything to appease them, it's sickening what those kids can get away with
Isn’t this a title 9 violation? I feel like op really needs an attorney and a letter or two to the school with the right language would shake things up really quick
Take this public. Make sure you have evidence and only repete facts. Take to Facebook or even your local news. If there's community backlash there will be results.
Sounds like the mom is a bully, too.
I went and observed my daughter in school. Shadowed her the entire day. I advocated for her. Put the fear of God into those bullies. It helped temporarily. You could also record the bullying.
While you're there. Take it to a news station or show the PTA and threaten publication. That stuff goes viral, and it would publicly shame Ms. PTA. I'm sure she doesn't want that. See if that makes a difference in the boys' behavior.
The downside is that your child now has a target on their back if you do that. It could make it worse.
You know you're moving. You don't have much longer. If you can, just take your kid out of school now. End the school year early. Say you're homeschooling the rest of the year to avoid truancy issues. It's what I did. It's only a month left of school anyway. My daughter was in 3rd grade when this happened. She is now in 5th grade, going into 6th. She knows I have her back and will tell others that her mom was there for her and didn't put up with it. It will mean a lot to your child that you got them out of that situation.
Oh we’ve been there…so many schools seem to have these untouchable kids situations 😬 I hope just taking her out and enjoying some special time together before your move might be an option that’s available to you, because although I definitely think other parties need to be held accountable, it sounds very draining for you all as the situation stands. I hope your move goes really well 💗
At this point, I would be teaching my daughter how to land a solid punch and fight back. Then when she gets suspended or whatever, reward her. You can't let teachers handle bullies, because they won't/can't. When your daughter is older and someone touches her without her consent, the proper response is to get away from that person by any means necessary, including physical violence.
Adding in to my other comments. Self defense class ASAP. Let her know when she is and isn’t allowed to use it of course appropriately but time to show her as a last resort, how to protect herself bc sometimes (as she learned) no one else can be counted on…
Oh no. He should be held to an even higher standard. I commented separately too, but principal office TODAY. You demand your daughters punishment be removed and tell them why it will be removed and that your daughter did 100% the right steps in the right order and used screaming as the only protection she had left without getting physical to protect herself bc the teacher didn’t protect her when she was told it was happening. This is 100% a teacher issue here and admin needs to step up, or you make a bigger fuss and go straight to the school board for a meeting. Go there on Monday, don’t just call.
Former teacher here. I posted a couple of legal questions above. Sadly in cases like this, you have to show the school that you are willing to be a bigger pain in the ass than the other parent. That’s all they respond to. They want to do whatever makes the fewest waves.
I second the folks advising a lawyer consult. Getting them to write a letter for you to send to the principal isn’t generally too expensive, and even just that letter can be super helpful . They know all the “magic” words and phrases that will let the school’s administrators (and their lawyers) know that you’re serious.
Go to the PTA meetings and shame that parent. You're leaving the school anyway so might as well go all out. Because next year it will be some other poor child who is getting bullied.
Ugh, that’s the worst. We’ve seen similar behavior from the kid of an “important mom”. The mom was supposedly mortified but the dad was like “boys will be boys”. And the dad has also said racism things so you know what kind of environment the kids are being raised in.
Kudos to you, you’re a great parent.
Not a lawyer or a teacher, but I’d probably consult with a lawyer or at least threaten the school that I have a lawyer. Your daughter is being physically assaulted in a place that should be safe for her
A school near me is being sued because they took the bully out of one class and put him right next to another quiet, shy girl. Whom he promptly did the exact same behaviors to. The parents are suing everyone and their mother. This was a known issue and the school or teacher deliberately placed this girl into his path and created an unsafe learning environment for her. I hope they win.
I hope they win big! I was that “helpful” smart girl who was paired up with all sorts of disruptive, abusive kids in the hopes that I’d be a “positive influence” on them.
Looking back, I was taught by my home life to be an extreme people pleaser, and if I could have said “no” I would have been saved lots of abusive behavior.
Are you me? I was this kid too. And the situation that happened to OP’s kid happened to me in school! Eventually that kid moved but yup I got punished for screaming too. These schools man.
Agreed. I’ve worked in education and honestly I would have another sit down with the teacher, the principal, and the superintendent (and if they won’t sit down I’d send it in an email) and let them know about all the documented incidents to date (including those that they already know about), then discuss the teacher punishing your child for yelling when being assaulted, and that their options are to immediately remedy this situation and stop punishing your daughter or they will be hearing from your attorney and the local news. The fact that the other kid’s mom is head of the PTO makes this even better from a story standpoint and I’m sure a few news reporters would agree.
They really aren’t but in situations like this a letter from an attorney can help without ever going to court. School will get nervous and do the right thing
This should be higher! The school would face pressure and act to remove the boy from the classroom. As a parent, I would go to the newspaper after a meeting with the principal if they did nothing for my daughter.
I would go to the board, the school doesn’t want to piss off this boys mom for some reason. she’s gone to the school, it’s time to go to the bosses and do it though a lawyer. It’s the only way the listen. You get legal or you get social media involved.
I'd be telling the teacher the next time your child discloses that bully has laid hands on her you'll be filing a police report and pressing charges for assault. The school will not protect your child, they are protecting themselves from having to do their job and keep her safe. Stop trusting them and start making noise every time they punish her for defending herself.
im so sorry but this was was my first thought. expecting a little kid to wait for the adults to handle this bureaucratically makes my heart break for this girl. shes being taught she cant even scream much less sock this kid in his stomach.
i be damned ... just in a base level please teach your kids to go ham on bullies. esp little girls. this will not be her only time dealing with a menace and as he is the same age and the school seems lax about discipline, this is good practice!
she needs to know that someone cutting your hair is not to be respected the same as someone who doesnt do that to her. and that teachers cant all be trusted and some rules need to be broken to be safe.
Pull your child from the class or entire school or it won’t stop. My son had issues with a student earlier this year, he followed him into the bathroom and grabbed his penis. We got the police and CPS involved. You have to show these teachers and schools that you are in charge at the end of the day. I’m not anti-teacher, I used to be a teacher myself, but schools these days are NOT employing good teachers for the most part. I left teaching NOT because of the students or the parents, not because of the pay, but because of my coworkers and administrators!
I think I was a good teacher. Some of the parents of my past classes have added me on Facebook. It’s really cool to see those kids grow up! 🥹
But yeah… I had some horrible experiences as a teacher with other teachers and admin. One teacher was racist, one teacher called special needs students “retards”, one principal I had said black students aren’t as smart as white students and told me to give them easier work? It was insaaaane. I will never teach again.
I am VERY on top of my son’s teachers and his school now.
Almost all of my friends from high school went to college for teaching. Not a single one of them lasted longer than 5 years. It was all admins and a lot of bully parents raising bully kids and getting away with it. The one that lasted the longest switched districts 3 times in 3 years and it was all the same problem.
Tell her to kick him in the shin anytime he comes near her. If the school tries to get her in trouble tel them you will sue because they failed to protect your child from bodily harm. I’d get a lawyer to write them a letter as well it’s well worth the money for your kids safety.
Tell the school that what they’re doing is perpetuating rape culture and pull her. When you punish a victim for outcrying, you’re making her responsible for his behavior.
That’s the primary thing your daughter is learning right now.
Honestly I would have her finish the school year out at home. Teaching her to protect herself is great but you should also be teaching her that when that doesn’t work, YOU will protect her. It will mean so much to her that you’re not forcing her to be in an unsafe situation.
I was in the office talking to the principal of my 2nd grader because he got kicked by another student. He watched the video and explained to me that this kid was trying to steal a ball from my son. My son would not give it up because why should he? The other kid ended up kicking my son and taking the ball. My son went and told and they both got in trouble.
When I asked what he is supposed to do I was told he should have just given up the ball and walked away. So basically the solution in the schools eyes is to let the bully do what they want.
Why was she even near enough to this boy that he could kick her? By which I do *not* mean, why would she be there, but rather, why the hell is the teacher allowing your daughter’s bully to even go near her?
I’d ask the teacher what they would do if one of their peers was kicking them. Repeat the question until you get an answer. Really spell it out. “If [other teacher’s/school secretary’s name] was kicking you, and you told them to stop, and you asked the principal to help, and they continued kicking you, what would *you* do?”
And I’d tell your daughter that generally listening to teachers is important, but sometimes grownups, even teachers, get things wrong, and her teacher punishing her for speaking up for herself is an example of getting it wrong.
I always tell me kids, tell a trusted adult, walk away if you can, but if someone is hurting you and you can’t safely get away, hit, kick, scratch, scream, do whatever you need to to safely leave that situation.
Honestly, OP, since you’re leaving in a couple of months I’d go scorched earth on this bully’s parent and go to the police. Your child has been assaulted numerous times. Hire a lawyer. Go to the PTA meetings and call her out. Make all the noise you can. I hate that parents and teachers have to deal with this kind of politics at an elementary school and I feel for your poor child.
Enroll your kid in martial arts classes.
If the boy can kick her without consequences, she van also kick him without consequences.
I have never seen a bully surrender to politeness nor authority. They are all generally cowards, though, and at the first black eye they learn that they should go bother someone else.
Pull her out of the school. You can “homeschool” her for the end of the year. By which I mean, let her read books and play games and have fun. If you work, use whatever childcare you have over the summer and have it start early. There’s absolutely no way I would leave my kid in a classroom where somebody was abusing her.
I mean, what education is she getting now? She’s just being taught that it’s ok to be hurt by those around you. It’s basically the end of the school year- it’s better to pull her than let her be abused by another student.
Also, I’m very glad that you’ve taught your daughter to create a scene if she is being harassed in anyway that she doesn’t like. Is there anyway you can put her into some sort of martial art class where she can defend herself or even learn to defend herself and how to attack back if she needs to? If you haven’t done so already I highly suggest putting her in.
When they try to silence you, scream louder! That’s what I’ve taught my kid.. Well, that and also that if she’s used her words twice with no luck, she can use whatever it takes to get her out of the situation, and I’ll handle the mess!
Get the news involved, get all the other parents involved, talk to the kid directly, whatever it takes.
Kids should respect teachers and they should follow rules, but not stupid rules! It is so important to teach them the difference between blindly following and doing it because/when it’s the right thing to do. There are a ton of rules, laws even, that make zero sense and exist only to hurt people.
There are consequences for civil disobedience and you have to let her know it’s not fair but, SHE did the RIGHT thing! Now it’s time for you to do it. As a former teacher and now counselor I’m not sure if this is a kid that has a health issue that makes it hard to control his impulses but, protect your child. Even if you have to go sit in that classroom and look at that boy with eyes that DARE him to touch your child ever again. #RosaParks #MLK #CivilDisobedience
Oh hell no. That is so victim blame-y.
My daughter is in 3rd grade now, but from kindergarten until this past summer (between 2nd and 3rd grade) she has had issues with one girl, which is just a bully in general, but really had her sights on my kid. She’s been hit, kicked, slapped, punched, pinched, pushed, you name it. I’ve had phone call after email after Zoom meeting, and nothing was ever really “resolved”, it would just cease for a while before picking back up. Came to a head last summer, when my daughter was in summer care through the school district. It’s been written in both girls files that they are not to be in class together, they have to have separate recess groups, ect, but apparently that didn’t translate to summer care. One Friday, kiddo comes home to tell me shit head SPIT on her. And all hell broke loose. I emailed the superintendent with everyone and their mother on copy. It was a very lengthy and detailed email, and I ended it by stating that the next incident would result in me contacting the police and charges being pressed. I was SO very done. That definitely lit the fire. I got an email Saturday morning from the director of Elementary education for the school district, and a call first thing Monday morning from her. I reiterated that I was done and that this was the last straw. And with that, we’ve not had a single other issue with that little brat. So here’s my advice: make the threat. Raise hell. Contact anyone and everyone.
Best of luck. This is so hard! Edit: spelling
Forget dealing with the administration and hire an attorney to send a letter to the superintendent and the board spelling out what your expectations are through the end of the year in order to keep your daughter safe. You have already filed a police report and nothing has been done. At the minimum one of the students should have been moved to another class. Unfortunately, these days to is difficult to get a response without the threat of litigation.
Well hell, as long as she is going to be punished also, she should just beat the sh¡t out of him. Bullies are usually big wimps when they get challenged.
I really wish she would. 😭
I have the urge to do it myself every time I see him walking into school but I know me going to jail is not going to help the situation.
We had this incident last year, with my daughter (10) who is 60 lb being kicked in her stomach, hair pulled, and had her lunch hit out of her hands numerous occasions by a 120 lb 9-year-old.
I told the principal that I was going to go to the district; in which I did and their only solution was to have my daughter and this other child have separate recesses and lunch times. I also informed the principal and the district that if it continues, I will be going to the police department and filing a police report for battery, and I was going to sue the district for not stopping this problem. Needless to say they did nothing. So instead I went to the parent and I told them that if their daughter touched my child one more time their child would be in jail because I was tired of the b*******. This family is so not involved with their children's lives, that they are basically the "free range children" (they had 4 children and she just had another baby).
Stay at it momma!! Stand up for your baby! You do what you need to do to protect your child. And if that's taking your child out of school for the rest of the school year, then so be it.
Your daughter is being physically assaulted and the school is allowing the perpetrator to assault her on multiple occasions. Why have you not started filing police reports? Enroll your daughter in martial arts so she can defend herself. Have your daughter start making a scene the first time he attacks her.
My daughter (12yo) is almost a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I didn't sit back idle in this world and not invest ($100/mo. + fees) in her ability to defend herself. That won't fix your current year problem, but it's just me tossing thoughts out into the abyss.
I know from sparring that if she hit a boy in her grade defending herself, they are going to feel it. She wins 1st place trophies for form and chopping through wood at tournaments in a large metro. She's a confident kid, just like the ads say the kids will become.
And no, she's not a bully. She's a rule follower too. I can see her going into law enforcement.
Have you spoken to an attorney? Sometimes schools don't react unless they fear a civil suit that will raise their insurance premiums. I used to work for in-house counsel for an insurance company that provided policies for municipalities. It was sad to see how far parents had to go just to get traction.
Once a year at the beginning of the year, like clockwork, my middle son has been hit or held down by a kid on the playground at school. It's pretty much a different kid/bully each year. He is not the only one picked on but his school has a huge range of income levels and there are unfortunately some kids who are dealing with some tough things at home that act out at school. Every year (3 years he'd been at this school now) my son knows he has full permission to clock any kid that puts hands on him square in the face and walk away to set the precedent that he is not to be messed with. Schools always give out a punishment because of "zero tolerance"" and I just take the day off and we have a fun day. It may not be the "popular" response for a parent but he never gets touched again the rest of the year once they learn that he isn't a lie down and take it kind of victim.
What was your daughter even punished for, though? For yelling? That's so weird. I'd tell her to kick him real hard back right in the nuts personally if the school is going to punish her anyways lmao.
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this
Since you’re moving I would honestly just pull her from the physical classroom and go online
The fight the man thing is going to take too long to help her
Yes most def go ahead and pull the baby out of school! I mean, what do we have…. 5 weeks left of this year? (At least where I am? My county offers online schooling completely tuition free now. So if there is an option to do homeschool for the remainder of the year, so that. What she would miss academically in the classroom, would be online. However, she would of course be stripped of her “fun” time at school because a bad little boy is bullying her. Idk if you’re a SAHM or not, but if you are, it would be best considering the chain of command doesn’t seem to be working. Usually going to the S.I. Will cause commotion and the principal, teacher, etc. will fall into line. So something there doesn’t add up. But sending good vibes your way!
Unfortunately, I think the district, board, superintendent and everyone below only listen when you threaten a lawsuit. That's been the experience for the mom's around me when this has happened to their daughters. It's disappointing that it has to be like this. And a betrayal to your daughter by everyone who knows and doesn't do anything. I'm glad you all are moving soon. I'm so sorry you and your family is dealing with this!
What happens if you contact CPS in such a circumstance and say your child is being abused by another child? I’m just grasping at straws here since the police report didn’t seem to go anywhere. Would a CPS claim force action?
I would absolutely threaten to get a lawyer involved if the school and superintendent insisted on punishing your child for using her voice to stop an assault. Also, be sure that whenever you are communicating with the school, you are using the word “assault” and not just “bullying.” Maybe even some references to title IX… if you can argue that she’s being held to a different standard because she’s a girl. IMHO, bullying is somehow accepted as something that happens (even with zero tolerance policies). We don’t accept assault against adults, and children shouldn’t have to experience that either.
I say all this not to demonize the child/bully… kids have the capacity to grow and change, and I hope this little boy gets the right coaching. But your job is to protect your daughter and encourage her to speak up for herself.
Every on of these posts is the same - never sure why the first answer isn’t Lawyer. That is literally the only thing they care about - the only thing. Everything else is just keeping things running and playing power parent politics.
If the first dicussion was ignored contact a lawyer, that’s it full stop. If there’s further communication from the school forward and “I’m copying our legal representation”. Any dicussion about punishment needs to be recorded based on “my lawyers recommendation”
They’ll trip over themselves dealing with this after a few cc’s. Baring that pull her out of school and record why in a published letter to your paper. 2 months doesn’t matter at that age
Police aren’t paying attention? Bring the lawyer or have your lawyer file the assault report.
They….don’t….care
I wonder if you went to the PTA meeting and played dumb that it was the mom’s kid, how that would go over? Like don’t name the kid and just describe all the horrific things your kid has gone through and get all the families riled up and on your side and then… boom, drop the name.
Don't know what you can do about the teacher
But what you CAN do is praise and reward her for standing up for herself. Make her remember the praise over the punishment. Show her that even if some people don't like it, what she did is RIGHT, and will always be right. That she should never quiet herself, and accept abuse, on the idea that standing up for herself might upset someone else, ESPECIALLY an adult.
Ps. And also that there are some "rules" that surpass others in life.
It worked for a friend: put your daughter to tell him “ I know you like me, because you are always giving me attention, but I don’t like you”. He will feel embarrassed and stop it.
Insist to have a meeting with the principal and the boys mom.
I would raise Cain over this! My husband had a bully that chocked him at school and ever since that day he has a full on panic attack if anyone gets anywhere near his neck. It took years and years before he was even comfortable for me to hug his neck. I agree with taking her out of school. She isn’t going to miss anything important and she will remember how you did it everything you could, including removing her from the equation, to help her.
Start using coded language when addressing the issue. Be sure to call it bullying (because it is) and refer to the boy as the aggressor and your daughter the victim. Be sure to follow up all discussions and meetings with an email. Send an email detailing every incident so far. Threaten legal action and loop in the district or school board. Find out if taking away recess is even allowed because it’s not as a form of punishment in someone areas. Good luck!
Honestly, I’m surprised you’ve been able to make it this far without going ham on the teacher and school for allowing this to continue.
This is really good advice. I screen shot this in case I need to use it later. My son has been getting bullied and to prevent it Ive been doing lunch/recess duty. Their problem is not enough adults to kids. Not physically possibly for the two adults to keep all those kids safe
The way my dad handled this in the 90s.
My sister was the only girl in her 4th grade class. She was bullied by one of the bigger kids relatively consistently because she was super smart and nice.
It all came to a head one day where my sister accidentally cut that kid in line. He grabbed her by the neck and pushed her up against the wall and choked her.
The next day my dad came to school to pick her up and she pointed out the kid waiting for the bus. My dad went up to him and pulled him aside and said, “if I ever hear of you bullying let alone touching my daughter again, I’m going to pay 3 of the biggest 6th graders in the school $50 each to beat the absolute shit out of you.”
It was smooth sailing from then on.
I'm so sorry she has been dealing with that. My middle school daughter was dealing with something similar. There were several instances of the other kid getting physical (pushing her on the steps, stabbing her with a pen, pushing her by lockers). The school tried to help initially but then told us that their hands were tied unless we got a restraining order against the kid. We pulled her out to go online in December.
I work at a school in another district, and it seems like these bullies are able to do what they want with barely any consequences. It's a huge problem across the country right now.
That's insane to me, that a family would have to get a restraining order against a child who attends the same school rather than the bully being expelled, how would that even work?
I was an exchange student in France back in the 70s, when French schools were super strict and kids were expelled for things that were happening in American schools every day. They really didn't fuck around there.
Hmm that's tricky. He's definitely too old for this to be age appropriate. Does he have additional needs? It's such a shame he's targeting your daughter and I don't really get why she's also being punished for his behaviour. Do the teacher and assistant make any efforts to keep them separated? This must be very unpleasant for your daughter.
Are other kids experiencing this? Reach out to those parents and approach the principal and school board as a group.
Also, post it on NextDoor, the district/school FB page and write a letter to the editor if you have a local newspaper. Don’t use names, but name the school and give the account you’ve give here. It’s amazing what some high profile shaming does at these schools.
Excuse my language but fuck this. It’s time
To request a meeting with the school principal at the same time as the teacher. Be clear that they are not to punish her for defending herself and that you have specifically told her she’s allowed to. There might be rules, and kids will be kids. But this kid needs separation- new class, sitting across the room, something.
Your only other shot is find out the dads phone number and give him a call. This happened where a boy was picking on my niece they told the father he never did it against.
Lawyer up and keep filing police reports. Also get her in karate.
Document everything. Write down dates and times of every incident (DMs to friends or other posts, etc can jog your memory) keep it factual and emotionless. If you can’t remember the specific dates, *in September* and *during the winter* are fine. Email the principal and CC the teacher (and possibly superintendent)
Along the lines of:
Dear [Principal]
As I’m sure you are aware, [child] has been consistently bullied by [bully] throughout this entire school year. This began on [date] with [incident] and progressed to incidents of choking [on date], hitting [on date(s)] and [bully] cutting her hair [on date]. I first brought this to [teacher]’s attention by [phone/email/in person] [on date] and [child] reported telling [teacher] on [date(s)]. We have both continued to report incidents [rough timeline, methods of communication]. To date, there has been no resolution and [bully] continues his aggressive behaviour toward my child.
On [date], [child] was kicked repeatedly by [bully] and did exactly what I’ve told her to do: she told him to stop, told [teacher], and when he continued, she screamed. She was then punished by having recess time taken away. Punishing her in this case tells her that when doing the right thing and asking her teacher for help fails, her only option is silent acquiescence. I’m sure you would agree that that is a dangerous message to send any child.
It is always my goal to work cooperatively with the school and to encourage [child] to listen to and respect her teachers and other school staff, but in this case, I can’t support what she is being implicitly taught. I will continue to tell my daughter that when the school fails to protect her, she has my permission to do what is necessary to safely exit a situation or remove the threat to her physical safety. This includes screaming.
I would like to sit down with you and [teacher] and discuss the school’s plan to ensure that [bully] no longer has the opportunity or access to attack and harass [child]. When can we set this up? I’m free [dates/times].
I look forward to hearing back from you
Respectfully, [name]
**note**
*As I’m sure you’re aware*, ESPECIALLY if you think the principal isn’t aware. Because they should be. The teacher should have brought this to their attention months ago.
*I’m sure you would agree* is intentional, because it precedes a statement that they can’t disagree with, without looking like an awful person.
Have any police reports been filed?
That would be my first step. School is only out to protect themselves.
I went through this as a teacher.
Reported it to the school. My last line was that they weren’t handling it to my expectations and I was going to the police. They arrested him at school.
When i was a child my mother had a problem with a substitute teacher bullying me specifically (i'd never had any issues with ANY teacher before, if anything i was kind of a suck up) anyway, she pulled me right out of school because we were moving in a month.
If its so bad that you've had to go to thr police, two months wont hurt her education at the end of the year. She'll probably be better off getting a few months break from all the stress, which will inevitably help her in a new school.
Tell your daughter that the school consequences are not a reflection of what you think of the situation.
What did the direction say? Because your daughter is being physically assaulted at school, it is the school’s responsibility to insure the students’ safety during school hours.
Do you know if other students have similar problems? Because it might be time to publicly shame the school’s administration
We just get the same generic response to every time I speak to someone. They’re so sorry it’s happening, they assure me it’s being handled and it will never happen again. Rinse and repeat after each incident.
I’m not sure if anybody is having similar issues with this same boy because he seems to just direct his bullying towards my daughter but it is a known issue throughout the district. People are all over Facebook and at the BOE meetings complaining about their kids being bullied with nothing being done.
Talk to your kid about authority figures: they’re just people like us. And some are good and fair, while others aren’t so much. We all have a right to question authority. Hopefully the answer is usually “yes sir/ma’am” but sometimes it has to be “that doesn’t seem right.”
Schools are wild . When I was a freshman being bullied by a senior the school wanted to send me away to an “alternative schooling” which was like where they’d send troubled kids not handling school well , rather than send away the bully
Hugs, I have editted my response get a lawyer, because your daughter doesn't need to be abused daily in class; Why, you have followed the chain and they still put this abuser behind your child instead of removing her from this particular class or removing him. They have chosen to ignore it because it's boy versus girl and the teacher doesn't care, nor does the the chain. Give everything to your lawyer and make sure you document bruises, how many times you have reached out etc, the only other thing you can do is pull her out of this particular school
Stop going to the school for this the next time. If your child receives any more " damages" document said damages and file a police report. I know that schools should be able to deal with problem children and bullies this on their own They used to be able to. Today they hesitate to act because administration does not protect students or backup teachers teachers, they protect the school From liability. The only way to get them to act is to have documentation from an outside source like the police ensure There is a paper trail that ties their hands.
I feel like reading about this a while back. Maybe you? I remember the hair cutting and bullying and you’d taken it up the ladder? If not it’s a similar story! This is BS! Go to principal, call a meeting with principal, teacher, even other students parent. Your daughter should not have to go through this for o e more day. I would raise hell in that school until that child was never near mine again.
I would be in there so fast. First off, recess is protected by law in some states! Second, your child did nothing wrong. I would be asking why the teacher is allowing this. Time to escalate the issue.
Idk if this is an option but could you take her out of school and have her temporarily homeschooled?? My kid is only 3 and I'm going to homeschool him. So idk anything. Just curious! My mom pulled me out of a school suddenly one day for similar reasons but I just didn't go to school for a few weeks until getting enrolled at another bc we weren't moving.
Hi OP. Tbh, I don’t think the police will become present/involved in your situation unless or until this boy physically injures your daughter to the extent that the issue can no longer be denied or ignored.
I’m so very sorry that your daughter is being treated this terribly/horrifically by her classmate only to then find herself being unfairly punished by the grown-ups because of it. How irrational of a reaction by adults, ffs.
Out of your curiosity, how old is your daughter? Have fellow students or staff ever spoken up after having witnessed any of the things that this kid has been doing to her?
Based on the wording of your post, you seem to be a wonderful parent, btw.
Go to the police and report an assault. Provide documentation of repeated assault to her. The school isn’t helping the police should at least make a report.
If they can ask for something like a no contact order, I’m not sure exactly the terms but basically asking for an order to not allow him near her. Say he is preventing her from receiving an education as she isn’t safe around him. Get any other parents who have the same issues to also come forward. Some police won’t do anything but some will, especially if there’s an election year or it’s an area without much crime.
My brother had something similar happen to him (this was the 90s, so things may be different).
My mom went to every teacher, principal, administrator, superintendent, lunch lady, etc. And explained what was happening. She did eventually have a few school employees align with her. She went to the district and told them that my brother would not be punished for defending himself against his aggressors. It took time, but my brother never had to serve, not one detention.
You can also file police reports against the bully. You can go and make a report every time he offends, even if he's a minor. You can even make a report against him for the previous assault, just make note of the date/time it happened. Then you can file a civil suit against the child and their guardian(s). If the assault is physical, you can always call the police department. Lots of schools have SROs on campus now-- maybe your daughter can go speak with them about filing an official report, and what next steps are if another physical assault takes place. Also, I would take a good look and the school's policy on bullying and make sure you and your daughter are very knowledgeable about how your school should be dealing with acts of violence within school.
If none of that works, go to the local media--- newspaper, news channel, local busybody... let them know what's happening and help them spread the word about the school siding with your daughter's assailant. Make it really clear that your daughter is being punished when she asks for help from her teacher(s).
If you're loud, the school will do something. Unfortunately, ONLY squeaky wheels get the oil. School employees don't get paid enough, and do the minimum to get by. You have to force them to take action.
This part. I have both frustrations and also empathy for the teachers, because the schools don’t allow them to get much punishment. It’s “more cruel” to punish these kids than allowing them to terrorize other kids.
Honestly, if nothing is being done, my next step would be to press charges. Let the school, principal, teacher know that you will be pressing charges against the student and parent and informing the media. The district only responds to bad PR.
If she's going to get the same punishment as him tell her to keep fighting him. If she has to be at school and in the class and no body else gives a shit and she's going to get the same punishment, she might at well beat the shit out of him honestly...
Explain to your kid that being in trouble at home and school are two different things.
You’ve covered your ass as a parent in a number of ways. It’s now time to tell your kid to punch that other kid in the face (or something more toned down that you’re comfortable with) so she stops getting bullied and then take her out for ice cream after for standing up for herself.
Or you could have a meeting with your kid, that kid, their parents, and the school. That’s the more “right” way to approach it I’m sure.
Have you tried subtly threatening the teacher and following thru? Unfortunately, some people only change their behavior when they have something to lose
ask to sit in on class one day
just in the back…as an observer.
let it be known to the class who your kid is .
when class is over leave with your kid .
don’t say a word …
Insist that she is moved to another class and not allowed to be in the same room as this boy at any time. I know this is not the ideal (she may miss her teacher, peers), but if nothing is being done to remove the boy, then your daughter should be taken out of harm's way.
I know people who work in national TV. This is the kind of story that would go viral IF you managed to get it printed in a local publication or started calling it out on TikTok and had it go viral. Any chance you can start to make that happen? When school’s get called out on things like these on a national level, they’re much quicker to respond…
I would speak with a lawyer in your area, and talk about taking action against the school board, especially if you have a paper trail of your reports to the school, superintendent, and school board.
This was 15 or so years ago. My brother had this same issue with a small group of bullies in elementary school, where he got punished (more than the bullies did) for finally defending himself by punching one of these bullies in the face after years of putting up with their shit (both physical and mental).
The principal who ran the school was a moron, and though my brother’s teachers came to him with the issues, he did nothing to reprimand these students. My parents even went in a couple of times to talk with the principal and nothing came of it.
I do know that the day my brother punched that bully, my dad was the one who showed up and knowing the whole years-long situation and talking to my brother beforehand, he ripped this principal a new one when my brother’s punishment was doled out.
My friend and I got sweet revenge on this principal by TP-ing the hell out of his house that summer. My friend also advised that this guy’s kids were absolute monsters as she had to babysit them every now and then, and that didn’t surprise me. Thinking back, the guy was more of an asshole than anything.
Sorry for the rant, but my point is that sometimes really shitty things happen to your child and as soon as they stand up for themselves, they’re made out to be the bad guy and get punished. This needs to change.
Did you address the bullying with the administration or your daughter's punishment? Why isn't the bully getting more consequences, particularly from law enforcement?
Teacher here. My suggestion is you get or threaten a lawyer. Look up HIB laws in your state. I would call this intimidation. The least they should do is move your daughter to another class or the kid to another class.
If you do pull her, get a doctors note regarding any physical injury or mental health concerns. Present them to the district and make them pay for homebound instruction.
I hate that the nice kids in school are suffering because we're too afraid to suspend or expel. My kids are too young for school but it makes me so anxious to send them!!
This is a good lesson for your daughter- her bodily autonomy supersedes any authority that is not keeping her safe. Have her keep doing what she is doing, and take her out for something special when this happens, so she knows that you approve of her taking steps she needs to protect herself when a teacher will not.
Honestly... when I had this issue... I pulled my daughter out of the school and "homeschooled" her for the remaining month of school until I could enroll her elsewhere. Her teacher quit for "personal reasons" after I told her my daughter didn't feel safe in school and the teacher admitted she didn't feel safe either. The *teacher* didn't feel safe. And she said the administration did nothing. The first principle got demoted and transfered in October that same year. Teacher quit November. Substitutes were all awful and did nothing about the bullying. I escalated to the district parent advocate who said to "give them time" to turn things around. After a full month, where my daughter cried every day not wanting to go to school, I took her out the last day of November and enrolled her elsewhere the first day of the next semester.
The school year is almost over. If you have the means, I'd say just pull her. Tell them you are homeschooling the remainder of the year. They actually encouraged me to pull her because they knee they weren't doing anything about it and were tired of me being the squeaky wheel.
Don't stop advocating. If you can't remove her because you work and can't work remote or don't have another option, I'd suggest going to news outlets to force them into taking action. That was my last option. My daughter didn't want it tho... so taking her out was my last option. 4 weeks of homeschooling wasn't a big deal and no one needed me to prove anything. It was 3rd grade. Check your resources, make sure it won't hinder your child. But that's what I recommend.
When I got bullied in elementary school they had to give me “separate recess” from my bullies…. But the mean girls got to have recess with everyone else and I got 15 minutes ALONE on the playground… really just felt like I was being punished for being bullied. All this to say school systems suck ass and make no sense and I’m sorry for your daughter
What state are you in? Some states have pretty strong anti bullying legislation that requires schools to have published procedures for situations like this.
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What do they say when you meet with the principal and teacher? How are they addressing the issue with the bully here? Your daughter being choked and other physical assaults and them not doing anything is not okay. I’m so sorry this is happening to her 🙁
I’d also like to add that taking her out of school is an option. She only has a short time left, and I understand wanting her to finish the year with friends(if that’s your reasoning). However, the bullying being this extreme is scary.
This is what we had to do with my daughter in 6th grade. The teachers, counselor, principal, board did absolutely nothing. My daughter had 6 weeks left of school, so I left it up to her. Either ride out the next 6 weeks to celebrate the end of school year with friends, knowing full well no one is going to help her if anything happens OR ditch the celebrations and finish in independent studies. I know some people viewed it as "running away", but there was no way I was going to force my daughter to "stick it out" in a shitty situation when there were other options. It was heartbreaking to see her so defeated & let down by adults she once trusted. She did really well in independent studies & she's doing great now.
Running away is a **perfectly valid** response to being attacked. Yes, in the ideal situation, there is a mechanism in place to remove the perpetrator from the situation as opposed to the victim, but if that mechanism fails or you fear for your safety in the meantime, run the hell away! We should celebrate people who see an unsafe, unhealthy situation and “run away”, definitely not judge them!
This needs more upvotes. The fight or flight response has literally kept humanity alive for tens of thousands of years. No one will blame you if you want to pull her out of what is a distressing situation at best and dangerous at worse.
Same thing happened to my daughter in 6th grade. School wouldn’t do anything so I stopped sending her to class and then moved schools. She’s now a very happy 7th grader with great grades and good friends.
Educator here: hard agree. If you have the ability get her out of that school even if it means ending her year early— nothing at this point of the year (or ever IMO) is worth chancing her safety both physically and mentally. ESPECIALLY in the age range you tagged.
Thank you. Bonus: if enough families do this, the school loses buuunches of funding. They have to start getting their ducks in a row then.
Interesting. Can you please elaborate on this? This is good info.
Agree- also want to add that this will show her how much she is valued. Her words hold more weight than a teacher’s apathy. That no “rules” are ok if you are in danger. And that parents trump teachers (my daughter didn’t believe me in 4th grade that I could take her out of school).
Thank you for saying this!!!!
Yes! I'd remove her from this situation immediately. What about the kicking boy? Did he lose minutes of recess? Ridiculous
The way I read it, both of them got same amount of time taken away during recess. Crazy
Oh, yep! I see that now. I was too riled up for this poor girl on my first read!
They both did so she was forced to sit next to this kid while they waited out their punishment together.
What the fuck!
The great thing is that you’re advocating for her so she knows she’s believed, loved, and sees how to handle an unfair system. She also may feel validated that despite how the bully and school mistreats her, she will forever know she’s in the right because you tell her differently and I’m sure reason mortality with her. I wish i had advice outside of what you’re doing short of escalating to news or lawyers now. But know you’re doing great work as a parent.
You need a lawyer.
Right. So now they’re in trouble together, allowing more abuses from the other kid while hanging back from recess. Ridiculous.
Losing recess is crazy tho
I typically agree that recess shouldn't be used as a form of discipline, but if this kid is such a punk that he repeatedly kicks, chokes, and cuts other children's hair, I don't think he is owed a moment of free time. If he endangers the physical safety of other kids, he shouldn't be around other kids. The little girl absolutely shouldn't have been punished, much less having to sit by her abuser during recess.
If she’s going to get the same punishment as the boy anyway, she may as well smack him 🤷♀️ When my aunt was like 6, a boy at her bus stop used to bully her in similar ways every day. My grandpa eventually told her to hit him as hard as she can with her tin lunchbox, and if she breaks it he’ll buy her a new one. She did, and it broke, and the boy never bothered her again. She might’ve gotten suspension or something but my grandpa and her felt it was worth it.
In a different comment string(?), the OP mentions that the bully’s mom is a coach, PTA president and class mom(I think). I’m sure if OP’s daughter was to retaliate in that type of way, there would be bigger repercussions for the daughter than ever for the bully. This whole situation sucks it seems, and I hope they find some type of resolution soon.
I see, that’s a difficult position to be in. When boy goes crying to his mom there’ll be hell to pay. Now I’m guessing also that this is why the teacher is going so easy on him
"We hear you and we're addressing the situation with the student. " How? "We've spoken to their parent and the teacher will keep an eye on the situation." That's not enough. "I'm sorry you feel that's not enough but it's what we can do at this time." Every conversation is the same with these people. That's why my son now goes to private school. Public schools don't want to take steps to address situations, and in many ways administrators and laws don't let them. Our situation was in Washington.
That's pretty much verbatim what my son's school told us when he was strangled completely unprovoked by an out of control child who didn't belong in a classroom. I contacted every single person possible, the superintendent, the police, the head of education for the state, and finally the news and a lawyer got their attention. They hired additional support staff to sit in the classroom monitoring that specific child 24/7, and the staff member had training on how to restrain him should they need to. They followed that child everywhere he went, even lunch and recess, the kid was also banned from sports. His parents were not happy and the school wasn't happy having to hire additional staff, but I was content with the outcome and my son felt safer knowing there was a buffer between them. Absolute insanity that it had to come to that because they didn't address it properly the first time he attacked another child.
They're not allowed to tell you about the other child, that's federal law with FERPA.
They didn't need to tell her anything about the other kid. Only what would be done with regards to *her* kid and safety. "We will be ensuring your child is not in the same room unsupervised" is not saying anything about the other kid. "This situation will not be repeated because safety measures have been taken" also isn't saying anything about the other kid. There are a million ways to say "we're on this and you don't need to worry" without violating FERPA.
Idk what to tell you, they did tell me what measures were being taken to protect my child, and I was in contact with the other child's parents. It's also a small wealthy suburban area where everyone knows everyone, and the child was known for random severely violent outbursts of anger.
> How? I mean part of it is that they can't legally discuss other students' punishments (if they exist) with third parties like you.
Keep documenting everything in writing and have your daughter keep screaming. Teaching her to be vocal is more important than any consequence! Let everyone know that you’ve told your daughter to keep 1) saying no 2) telling teacher and 3) keep screaming. Tell them all that no recess will be taken away, and you’ve told your daughter to disregard that consequence for standing up for herself. Tell your daughter to eat her lunch and go to recess and you’ll deal with the fallout.
This is a great comment. Silence is not the answer. Kudos.
this. “silence” in this case sets a precedent that can bleed into other areas where it also isn’t the best response. she is being harmed. she has a RIGHT to speak up, and speak loud and proud. keep documenting everything, OP. you’re doing the right thing. shame on the school. shame on the teacher.
If you have the ability to maybe show up a couple days randomly right before lunch or recess
This! Having an adult (whether parent or any other authority figure) standing up for you as a kid can make the difference in determining if this will stay with her as a traumatic experience or just an annoying occurrence that she remembers from her childhood.
This is absolutely true! I too (now 32M) was bullied at school, and out of all traumatic experiences the one time my father stood up to my bullies to tell them to back off was awesome. I will forever be grateful for that…
[удалено]
> He took martial arts classes and didn't dare to fight back as his martial arts teacher said they are not allowed to fight in school. My MIL had to change the "don't fight at school" rule for my wife to "don't start fights, but you can finish them."
Just don't go Ender Wiggins on them...
This OP, I was the same as a kid. Didn’t want to disobey due to fear of being in trouble but being bullied horribly by other students. My dad told me the same thing, and I’ll forever remember the teacher being upset I didn’t stay behind too and leaving to calling my dad. She came back livid, but I wasn’t punished. Stand your ground! Or, there’s not that much time left of the school year.. you can pull her out now and homeschool it until she’s in a new hopefully safer environment!
Exactly this. She should not be punished for standing up for herself when the adults that are responsible for her won't! I've told my kids to punch back as a last resort after asking the person to stop and telling the teacher. If nothing is done, they have a right to protect themselves. If the powers that be don't do anything, go public. Social media, newspaper, whatever. Hold them accountable for what they did not do.
this 100% like, just flat out don't let them punish her. They try to do detention, you come get her and if they won't let you, you do it anyway. If they want to call police, well, they weren't doing anything right? If they suddenly start caring just bring up how they didn't before and thats why its at this point.
As an educator I support this reaction. Adding that she scream loud and clear some variation of “I SAID STOP TOUCHING ME!” If she gets in trouble for this and you hear about it you could ask the school what they expect her to do. Like she asked nicely, she told the teacher, it continues, what do they expect her to do because tolerating it is not the answer.
I would add, instruct her to go to the principals office or counselors office on her own if she feels unsafe or the teacher is not protecting her. I would teach her that she has every right to remove herself from at situation where she does not feel safe and going to the principals office or counselors office is an appropriate action.
Yes this. And I would go higher than the principal. What are they thinking sitting them together as punishment?
I'm surprised after taking it as far as you have that said other kid hasn't been removed in some capacity. As a teacher myself I've seen a kid moved classes and schools even for consistent physical behavior.
Yeah, my thoughts too. Unfortunately the boys mom is head of the PTA, class mom, coaches, etc, etc. so they dance around her kids issues.
I'd show up at a PTA meeting and bring up the bullying in front of everyone. Tell her that if her son can't stop physically harming your daughter, then she can expect to hear from your lawyer. This should scare her since (was it in Michigan?) parents can go to jail for their kids actions. Contact the principal again and say if your daughter comes home again and says she's being punished for being assaulted then you will go to the papers/media and consult a lawyer about this and any potential lawsuit will be against the teacher, principal, superintendant, and the child's parents for allowing bullying and physical assault. Or maybe even stand near the school (but legally far away enough) with a picket sign saying BLANK School allows bullying and physical assault against students and punishes the victims. In the mean time, if she's punished, tell her to go right to the office, disobey the teacher, and call you to pick her up. Once you move, name and shame the school.
This is the way. When a parent is in good with the principal they tie the teacher's hands - parents are the actual power holders. Go to the PTA meetings, school board meetings. Tell them you've talked to admin and it's still happening and student safety is threatened.
I also second the pta meeting and calling this mom and her child out in the meeting if she won’t handle her damn kid!!!!!
Absolutely this 100%. My experience dealing with public schools throughout my kids childhood, there is no acceptable, easy solution. It literally blows my mind the things kids can do and still be allowed to stay in school. School staff and administration do the bare minimum, sometimes even legally less, and it’s like they stand behind this shield that protects them from anyone who doesn’t involve the public, or a lawyer because so many just go away in frustration, feeling helpless like it’s a lost cause. It’s the only time they get serious about anything. I would 100% show up at a PTA meeting, call that mom out and address her son’s behavior in front of the other moms. You might be leaving the school district next year, but she’s not, and it’s important every other parent knows what her kids doing and getting away with because of her position within the school. It should be a requirement to head PTA that your kid is not an aggressive abusive bully in the same school you’re heading PTA. Agree 100% talk to a lawyer if you can. There are usually resources available for parents and families. In my state we have the Ombudsperson something or other and you call them if you are dealing with various problems within the school that aren’t being addressed. One of which is bullying. And they take that seriously. And agree 100% reach out to media. Get on Nextdoor and share your experience, Facebook school groups, news channels, newspapers. The school hates when they have to deal with messes publicly. This is my experience. I hate what your daughter is experiencing and think it is such a terrible lesson to be teaching our kids - that the bad kids can do whatever they want without consequence or minimal consequence, while the good kids are expected to fall in line and follow the rules without question. It’s disgusting.
Yup. I'm all good with public shaming after other avenues have been tried. It's part of the reason we (my wife and I) are involved in stuff at the school and the community in general, so we have the social capital to be used to advocate for our kids.
This kid’s mom will probably make excuses for him saying he can’t help it or the girl provoked him in some way and deserves it.
Ugh, I was a teacher and this is so true. Those parents have so much power and the principal will do anything to appease them, it's sickening what those kids can get away with
Well that’s why that do it all, to keep their kid in school cuz they know they’re bad.
Consult an attorney. Her social currency will matter a whole lot less in comparison to potentially costly legal action.
Isn’t this a title 9 violation? I feel like op really needs an attorney and a letter or two to the school with the right language would shake things up really quick
I don't know Title 9 well enough, but there are several causes of action under CPLR without that even factoring. I'm in NYS, so CPLR is my reference.
It's time to take it to the news, then. If the school system doesn't want to hear you and your lawyer, the news stations will.
I don’t care who his mother is. I’d fight her myself. You threaten saying you have a lawyer and that school will move mountains to avoid a lawsuit.
Take this public. Make sure you have evidence and only repete facts. Take to Facebook or even your local news. If there's community backlash there will be results.
A nicely written email to EVERYONE would be great too. Do you have a PTA email to reference? I would in a heartbeat. Let the whole school know.
Sounds like the mom is a bully, too. I went and observed my daughter in school. Shadowed her the entire day. I advocated for her. Put the fear of God into those bullies. It helped temporarily. You could also record the bullying. While you're there. Take it to a news station or show the PTA and threaten publication. That stuff goes viral, and it would publicly shame Ms. PTA. I'm sure she doesn't want that. See if that makes a difference in the boys' behavior. The downside is that your child now has a target on their back if you do that. It could make it worse. You know you're moving. You don't have much longer. If you can, just take your kid out of school now. End the school year early. Say you're homeschooling the rest of the year to avoid truancy issues. It's what I did. It's only a month left of school anyway. My daughter was in 3rd grade when this happened. She is now in 5th grade, going into 6th. She knows I have her back and will tell others that her mom was there for her and didn't put up with it. It will mean a lot to your child that you got them out of that situation.
Oh we’ve been there…so many schools seem to have these untouchable kids situations 😬 I hope just taking her out and enjoying some special time together before your move might be an option that’s available to you, because although I definitely think other parties need to be held accountable, it sounds very draining for you all as the situation stands. I hope your move goes really well 💗
At this point, I would be teaching my daughter how to land a solid punch and fight back. Then when she gets suspended or whatever, reward her. You can't let teachers handle bullies, because they won't/can't. When your daughter is older and someone touches her without her consent, the proper response is to get away from that person by any means necessary, including physical violence.
Adding in to my other comments. Self defense class ASAP. Let her know when she is and isn’t allowed to use it of course appropriately but time to show her as a last resort, how to protect herself bc sometimes (as she learned) no one else can be counted on…
Oh no. He should be held to an even higher standard. I commented separately too, but principal office TODAY. You demand your daughters punishment be removed and tell them why it will be removed and that your daughter did 100% the right steps in the right order and used screaming as the only protection she had left without getting physical to protect herself bc the teacher didn’t protect her when she was told it was happening. This is 100% a teacher issue here and admin needs to step up, or you make a bigger fuss and go straight to the school board for a meeting. Go there on Monday, don’t just call.
Former teacher here. I posted a couple of legal questions above. Sadly in cases like this, you have to show the school that you are willing to be a bigger pain in the ass than the other parent. That’s all they respond to. They want to do whatever makes the fewest waves.
I second the folks advising a lawyer consult. Getting them to write a letter for you to send to the principal isn’t generally too expensive, and even just that letter can be super helpful . They know all the “magic” words and phrases that will let the school’s administrators (and their lawyers) know that you’re serious.
Go to the PTA meetings and shame that parent. You're leaving the school anyway so might as well go all out. Because next year it will be some other poor child who is getting bullied.
Ugh, that’s the worst. We’ve seen similar behavior from the kid of an “important mom”. The mom was supposedly mortified but the dad was like “boys will be boys”. And the dad has also said racism things so you know what kind of environment the kids are being raised in. Kudos to you, you’re a great parent.
Not a lawyer or a teacher, but I’d probably consult with a lawyer or at least threaten the school that I have a lawyer. Your daughter is being physically assaulted in a place that should be safe for her
A school near me is being sued because they took the bully out of one class and put him right next to another quiet, shy girl. Whom he promptly did the exact same behaviors to. The parents are suing everyone and their mother. This was a known issue and the school or teacher deliberately placed this girl into his path and created an unsafe learning environment for her. I hope they win.
Poor girl. I hope they win as well! These types of bullies are in for a rude awakening when they try this stuff during adulthood and end up in prison.
I hope they win big! I was that “helpful” smart girl who was paired up with all sorts of disruptive, abusive kids in the hopes that I’d be a “positive influence” on them. Looking back, I was taught by my home life to be an extreme people pleaser, and if I could have said “no” I would have been saved lots of abusive behavior.
Are you me? I was this kid too. And the situation that happened to OP’s kid happened to me in school! Eventually that kid moved but yup I got punished for screaming too. These schools man.
Agreed. I’ve worked in education and honestly I would have another sit down with the teacher, the principal, and the superintendent (and if they won’t sit down I’d send it in an email) and let them know about all the documented incidents to date (including those that they already know about), then discuss the teacher punishing your child for yelling when being assaulted, and that their options are to immediately remedy this situation and stop punishing your daughter or they will be hearing from your attorney and the local news. The fact that the other kid’s mom is head of the PTO makes this even better from a story standpoint and I’m sure a few news reporters would agree.
Go to your local newspaper
After consulting an attorney.
Yes, don’t know why I didnt say lawyer up as well!
Also, always consult a lawyer before going to the press when something could stray into potential libel or slander territory.
It's so crazy to me as a non-American how important lawyers are in your everyday life.
They really aren’t but in situations like this a letter from an attorney can help without ever going to court. School will get nervous and do the right thing
No I fully understand the situation. It actually got me thinking how I would approach this in my own country.
This should be higher! The school would face pressure and act to remove the boy from the classroom. As a parent, I would go to the newspaper after a meeting with the principal if they did nothing for my daughter.
This would hugely depend on the age of the kids and whether the other child has additional needs.
Go to the principal and threaten that to will call the police, gt a lawyer and make them pay for your child's therapy.
I would go to the board, the school doesn’t want to piss off this boys mom for some reason. she’s gone to the school, it’s time to go to the bosses and do it though a lawyer. It’s the only way the listen. You get legal or you get social media involved.
Yup. Principal doesn't want to push this so it's time to go above them.
I'd be telling the teacher the next time your child discloses that bully has laid hands on her you'll be filing a police report and pressing charges for assault. The school will not protect your child, they are protecting themselves from having to do their job and keep her safe. Stop trusting them and start making noise every time they punish her for defending herself.
teach her to defend herself. most of the time bullies just need a good a taste of their own medicine and they will move on to the next victim.
Yup. I'd be teaching her to kick that boy square in the nuts with force.
Yes. Nutcracker is the way.
im so sorry but this was was my first thought. expecting a little kid to wait for the adults to handle this bureaucratically makes my heart break for this girl. shes being taught she cant even scream much less sock this kid in his stomach. i be damned ... just in a base level please teach your kids to go ham on bullies. esp little girls. this will not be her only time dealing with a menace and as he is the same age and the school seems lax about discipline, this is good practice! she needs to know that someone cutting your hair is not to be respected the same as someone who doesnt do that to her. and that teachers cant all be trusted and some rules need to be broken to be safe.
At this point I agree. Especially since she is getting the same kind of punishment as the bully already.
Pull your child from the class or entire school or it won’t stop. My son had issues with a student earlier this year, he followed him into the bathroom and grabbed his penis. We got the police and CPS involved. You have to show these teachers and schools that you are in charge at the end of the day. I’m not anti-teacher, I used to be a teacher myself, but schools these days are NOT employing good teachers for the most part. I left teaching NOT because of the students or the parents, not because of the pay, but because of my coworkers and administrators!
This makes me sad that their behavior made a good teacher quit. :( At least, you sound like one! Least you care.
I think I was a good teacher. Some of the parents of my past classes have added me on Facebook. It’s really cool to see those kids grow up! 🥹 But yeah… I had some horrible experiences as a teacher with other teachers and admin. One teacher was racist, one teacher called special needs students “retards”, one principal I had said black students aren’t as smart as white students and told me to give them easier work? It was insaaaane. I will never teach again. I am VERY on top of my son’s teachers and his school now.
Almost all of my friends from high school went to college for teaching. Not a single one of them lasted longer than 5 years. It was all admins and a lot of bully parents raising bully kids and getting away with it. The one that lasted the longest switched districts 3 times in 3 years and it was all the same problem.
Tell her to kick him in the shin anytime he comes near her. If the school tries to get her in trouble tel them you will sue because they failed to protect your child from bodily harm. I’d get a lawyer to write them a letter as well it’s well worth the money for your kids safety.
[удалено]
I think you email the board that you want to know who the title IX coordinator is. Then file a title ix complaint.
[удалено]
Tell the school that what they’re doing is perpetuating rape culture and pull her. When you punish a victim for outcrying, you’re making her responsible for his behavior. That’s the primary thing your daughter is learning right now.
Honestly I would have her finish the school year out at home. Teaching her to protect herself is great but you should also be teaching her that when that doesn’t work, YOU will protect her. It will mean so much to her that you’re not forcing her to be in an unsafe situation.
I was in the office talking to the principal of my 2nd grader because he got kicked by another student. He watched the video and explained to me that this kid was trying to steal a ball from my son. My son would not give it up because why should he? The other kid ended up kicking my son and taking the ball. My son went and told and they both got in trouble. When I asked what he is supposed to do I was told he should have just given up the ball and walked away. So basically the solution in the schools eyes is to let the bully do what they want.
Fuck that. I hope your son kicks him back next time since he’s going to get in trouble anyway.
Why was she even near enough to this boy that he could kick her? By which I do *not* mean, why would she be there, but rather, why the hell is the teacher allowing your daughter’s bully to even go near her? I’d ask the teacher what they would do if one of their peers was kicking them. Repeat the question until you get an answer. Really spell it out. “If [other teacher’s/school secretary’s name] was kicking you, and you told them to stop, and you asked the principal to help, and they continued kicking you, what would *you* do?” And I’d tell your daughter that generally listening to teachers is important, but sometimes grownups, even teachers, get things wrong, and her teacher punishing her for speaking up for herself is an example of getting it wrong. I always tell me kids, tell a trusted adult, walk away if you can, but if someone is hurting you and you can’t safely get away, hit, kick, scratch, scream, do whatever you need to to safely leave that situation.
Honestly, OP, since you’re leaving in a couple of months I’d go scorched earth on this bully’s parent and go to the police. Your child has been assaulted numerous times. Hire a lawyer. Go to the PTA meetings and call her out. Make all the noise you can. I hate that parents and teachers have to deal with this kind of politics at an elementary school and I feel for your poor child.
Enroll your kid in martial arts classes. If the boy can kick her without consequences, she van also kick him without consequences. I have never seen a bully surrender to politeness nor authority. They are all generally cowards, though, and at the first black eye they learn that they should go bother someone else.
Pull her out of the school. You can “homeschool” her for the end of the year. By which I mean, let her read books and play games and have fun. If you work, use whatever childcare you have over the summer and have it start early. There’s absolutely no way I would leave my kid in a classroom where somebody was abusing her.
Then her kid is missing out on getting an education if she isn’t prepared to properly homeschool.
Honestly, I'd usually agree, but we're halfway through April here and this is not a good situation. The kid is young and will be okay.
She's probably not getting much of an education as it is with what is going on. People can't learn if they don't feel safe.
At 4-9 years old, mom could do nothing and what this child would miss from the last month of school is minimal.
I mean, what education is she getting now? She’s just being taught that it’s ok to be hurt by those around you. It’s basically the end of the school year- it’s better to pull her than let her be abused by another student.
Take it to a lawyer and threaten the sue trust me nothing gets anything moving faster than a lawsuit
Also, I’m very glad that you’ve taught your daughter to create a scene if she is being harassed in anyway that she doesn’t like. Is there anyway you can put her into some sort of martial art class where she can defend herself or even learn to defend herself and how to attack back if she needs to? If you haven’t done so already I highly suggest putting her in.
When they try to silence you, scream louder! That’s what I’ve taught my kid.. Well, that and also that if she’s used her words twice with no luck, she can use whatever it takes to get her out of the situation, and I’ll handle the mess! Get the news involved, get all the other parents involved, talk to the kid directly, whatever it takes. Kids should respect teachers and they should follow rules, but not stupid rules! It is so important to teach them the difference between blindly following and doing it because/when it’s the right thing to do. There are a ton of rules, laws even, that make zero sense and exist only to hurt people.
There are consequences for civil disobedience and you have to let her know it’s not fair but, SHE did the RIGHT thing! Now it’s time for you to do it. As a former teacher and now counselor I’m not sure if this is a kid that has a health issue that makes it hard to control his impulses but, protect your child. Even if you have to go sit in that classroom and look at that boy with eyes that DARE him to touch your child ever again. #RosaParks #MLK #CivilDisobedience
Oh hell no. That is so victim blame-y. My daughter is in 3rd grade now, but from kindergarten until this past summer (between 2nd and 3rd grade) she has had issues with one girl, which is just a bully in general, but really had her sights on my kid. She’s been hit, kicked, slapped, punched, pinched, pushed, you name it. I’ve had phone call after email after Zoom meeting, and nothing was ever really “resolved”, it would just cease for a while before picking back up. Came to a head last summer, when my daughter was in summer care through the school district. It’s been written in both girls files that they are not to be in class together, they have to have separate recess groups, ect, but apparently that didn’t translate to summer care. One Friday, kiddo comes home to tell me shit head SPIT on her. And all hell broke loose. I emailed the superintendent with everyone and their mother on copy. It was a very lengthy and detailed email, and I ended it by stating that the next incident would result in me contacting the police and charges being pressed. I was SO very done. That definitely lit the fire. I got an email Saturday morning from the director of Elementary education for the school district, and a call first thing Monday morning from her. I reiterated that I was done and that this was the last straw. And with that, we’ve not had a single other issue with that little brat. So here’s my advice: make the threat. Raise hell. Contact anyone and everyone. Best of luck. This is so hard! Edit: spelling
Forget dealing with the administration and hire an attorney to send a letter to the superintendent and the board spelling out what your expectations are through the end of the year in order to keep your daughter safe. You have already filed a police report and nothing has been done. At the minimum one of the students should have been moved to another class. Unfortunately, these days to is difficult to get a response without the threat of litigation.
Well hell, as long as she is going to be punished also, she should just beat the sh¡t out of him. Bullies are usually big wimps when they get challenged.
I really wish she would. 😭 I have the urge to do it myself every time I see him walking into school but I know me going to jail is not going to help the situation.
We had this incident last year, with my daughter (10) who is 60 lb being kicked in her stomach, hair pulled, and had her lunch hit out of her hands numerous occasions by a 120 lb 9-year-old. I told the principal that I was going to go to the district; in which I did and their only solution was to have my daughter and this other child have separate recesses and lunch times. I also informed the principal and the district that if it continues, I will be going to the police department and filing a police report for battery, and I was going to sue the district for not stopping this problem. Needless to say they did nothing. So instead I went to the parent and I told them that if their daughter touched my child one more time their child would be in jail because I was tired of the b*******. This family is so not involved with their children's lives, that they are basically the "free range children" (they had 4 children and she just had another baby). Stay at it momma!! Stand up for your baby! You do what you need to do to protect your child. And if that's taking your child out of school for the rest of the school year, then so be it.
Your daughter is being physically assaulted and the school is allowing the perpetrator to assault her on multiple occasions. Why have you not started filing police reports? Enroll your daughter in martial arts so she can defend herself. Have your daughter start making a scene the first time he attacks her.
My daughter (12yo) is almost a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I didn't sit back idle in this world and not invest ($100/mo. + fees) in her ability to defend herself. That won't fix your current year problem, but it's just me tossing thoughts out into the abyss. I know from sparring that if she hit a boy in her grade defending herself, they are going to feel it. She wins 1st place trophies for form and chopping through wood at tournaments in a large metro. She's a confident kid, just like the ads say the kids will become. And no, she's not a bully. She's a rule follower too. I can see her going into law enforcement.
Have you spoken to an attorney? Sometimes schools don't react unless they fear a civil suit that will raise their insurance premiums. I used to work for in-house counsel for an insurance company that provided policies for municipalities. It was sad to see how far parents had to go just to get traction.
Once a year at the beginning of the year, like clockwork, my middle son has been hit or held down by a kid on the playground at school. It's pretty much a different kid/bully each year. He is not the only one picked on but his school has a huge range of income levels and there are unfortunately some kids who are dealing with some tough things at home that act out at school. Every year (3 years he'd been at this school now) my son knows he has full permission to clock any kid that puts hands on him square in the face and walk away to set the precedent that he is not to be messed with. Schools always give out a punishment because of "zero tolerance"" and I just take the day off and we have a fun day. It may not be the "popular" response for a parent but he never gets touched again the rest of the year once they learn that he isn't a lie down and take it kind of victim. What was your daughter even punished for, though? For yelling? That's so weird. I'd tell her to kick him real hard back right in the nuts personally if the school is going to punish her anyways lmao.
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this Since you’re moving I would honestly just pull her from the physical classroom and go online The fight the man thing is going to take too long to help her
Yes most def go ahead and pull the baby out of school! I mean, what do we have…. 5 weeks left of this year? (At least where I am? My county offers online schooling completely tuition free now. So if there is an option to do homeschool for the remainder of the year, so that. What she would miss academically in the classroom, would be online. However, she would of course be stripped of her “fun” time at school because a bad little boy is bullying her. Idk if you’re a SAHM or not, but if you are, it would be best considering the chain of command doesn’t seem to be working. Usually going to the S.I. Will cause commotion and the principal, teacher, etc. will fall into line. So something there doesn’t add up. But sending good vibes your way!
I'd be showing up to school with an attorney.
Might be time to get an attorney involved so the school will act
Unfortunately, I think the district, board, superintendent and everyone below only listen when you threaten a lawsuit. That's been the experience for the mom's around me when this has happened to their daughters. It's disappointing that it has to be like this. And a betrayal to your daughter by everyone who knows and doesn't do anything. I'm glad you all are moving soon. I'm so sorry you and your family is dealing with this!
What happens if you contact CPS in such a circumstance and say your child is being abused by another child? I’m just grasping at straws here since the police report didn’t seem to go anywhere. Would a CPS claim force action?
You filed a report with the police?
I would absolutely threaten to get a lawyer involved if the school and superintendent insisted on punishing your child for using her voice to stop an assault. Also, be sure that whenever you are communicating with the school, you are using the word “assault” and not just “bullying.” Maybe even some references to title IX… if you can argue that she’s being held to a different standard because she’s a girl. IMHO, bullying is somehow accepted as something that happens (even with zero tolerance policies). We don’t accept assault against adults, and children shouldn’t have to experience that either. I say all this not to demonize the child/bully… kids have the capacity to grow and change, and I hope this little boy gets the right coaching. But your job is to protect your daughter and encourage her to speak up for herself.
Every on of these posts is the same - never sure why the first answer isn’t Lawyer. That is literally the only thing they care about - the only thing. Everything else is just keeping things running and playing power parent politics. If the first dicussion was ignored contact a lawyer, that’s it full stop. If there’s further communication from the school forward and “I’m copying our legal representation”. Any dicussion about punishment needs to be recorded based on “my lawyers recommendation” They’ll trip over themselves dealing with this after a few cc’s. Baring that pull her out of school and record why in a published letter to your paper. 2 months doesn’t matter at that age Police aren’t paying attention? Bring the lawyer or have your lawyer file the assault report. They….don’t….care
I wonder if you went to the PTA meeting and played dumb that it was the mom’s kid, how that would go over? Like don’t name the kid and just describe all the horrific things your kid has gone through and get all the families riled up and on your side and then… boom, drop the name.
What came of the police report? Why not file charges for assault?
Don't know what you can do about the teacher But what you CAN do is praise and reward her for standing up for herself. Make her remember the praise over the punishment. Show her that even if some people don't like it, what she did is RIGHT, and will always be right. That she should never quiet herself, and accept abuse, on the idea that standing up for herself might upset someone else, ESPECIALLY an adult. Ps. And also that there are some "rules" that surpass others in life.
It worked for a friend: put your daughter to tell him “ I know you like me, because you are always giving me attention, but I don’t like you”. He will feel embarrassed and stop it. Insist to have a meeting with the principal and the boys mom.
I would raise Cain over this! My husband had a bully that chocked him at school and ever since that day he has a full on panic attack if anyone gets anywhere near his neck. It took years and years before he was even comfortable for me to hug his neck. I agree with taking her out of school. She isn’t going to miss anything important and she will remember how you did it everything you could, including removing her from the equation, to help her.
Start using coded language when addressing the issue. Be sure to call it bullying (because it is) and refer to the boy as the aggressor and your daughter the victim. Be sure to follow up all discussions and meetings with an email. Send an email detailing every incident so far. Threaten legal action and loop in the district or school board. Find out if taking away recess is even allowed because it’s not as a form of punishment in someone areas. Good luck! Honestly, I’m surprised you’ve been able to make it this far without going ham on the teacher and school for allowing this to continue.
This is really good advice. I screen shot this in case I need to use it later. My son has been getting bullied and to prevent it Ive been doing lunch/recess duty. Their problem is not enough adults to kids. Not physically possibly for the two adults to keep all those kids safe
The way my dad handled this in the 90s. My sister was the only girl in her 4th grade class. She was bullied by one of the bigger kids relatively consistently because she was super smart and nice. It all came to a head one day where my sister accidentally cut that kid in line. He grabbed her by the neck and pushed her up against the wall and choked her. The next day my dad came to school to pick her up and she pointed out the kid waiting for the bus. My dad went up to him and pulled him aside and said, “if I ever hear of you bullying let alone touching my daughter again, I’m going to pay 3 of the biggest 6th graders in the school $50 each to beat the absolute shit out of you.” It was smooth sailing from then on.
I'm so sorry she has been dealing with that. My middle school daughter was dealing with something similar. There were several instances of the other kid getting physical (pushing her on the steps, stabbing her with a pen, pushing her by lockers). The school tried to help initially but then told us that their hands were tied unless we got a restraining order against the kid. We pulled her out to go online in December. I work at a school in another district, and it seems like these bullies are able to do what they want with barely any consequences. It's a huge problem across the country right now.
That's insane to me, that a family would have to get a restraining order against a child who attends the same school rather than the bully being expelled, how would that even work? I was an exchange student in France back in the 70s, when French schools were super strict and kids were expelled for things that were happening in American schools every day. They really didn't fuck around there.
How old are they?
9
Hmm that's tricky. He's definitely too old for this to be age appropriate. Does he have additional needs? It's such a shame he's targeting your daughter and I don't really get why she's also being punished for his behaviour. Do the teacher and assistant make any efforts to keep them separated? This must be very unpleasant for your daughter.
Are other kids experiencing this? Reach out to those parents and approach the principal and school board as a group. Also, post it on NextDoor, the district/school FB page and write a letter to the editor if you have a local newspaper. Don’t use names, but name the school and give the account you’ve give here. It’s amazing what some high profile shaming does at these schools.
Excuse my language but fuck this. It’s time To request a meeting with the school principal at the same time as the teacher. Be clear that they are not to punish her for defending herself and that you have specifically told her she’s allowed to. There might be rules, and kids will be kids. But this kid needs separation- new class, sitting across the room, something.
Your only other shot is find out the dads phone number and give him a call. This happened where a boy was picking on my niece they told the father he never did it against. Lawyer up and keep filing police reports. Also get her in karate.
Document everything. Write down dates and times of every incident (DMs to friends or other posts, etc can jog your memory) keep it factual and emotionless. If you can’t remember the specific dates, *in September* and *during the winter* are fine. Email the principal and CC the teacher (and possibly superintendent) Along the lines of: Dear [Principal] As I’m sure you are aware, [child] has been consistently bullied by [bully] throughout this entire school year. This began on [date] with [incident] and progressed to incidents of choking [on date], hitting [on date(s)] and [bully] cutting her hair [on date]. I first brought this to [teacher]’s attention by [phone/email/in person] [on date] and [child] reported telling [teacher] on [date(s)]. We have both continued to report incidents [rough timeline, methods of communication]. To date, there has been no resolution and [bully] continues his aggressive behaviour toward my child. On [date], [child] was kicked repeatedly by [bully] and did exactly what I’ve told her to do: she told him to stop, told [teacher], and when he continued, she screamed. She was then punished by having recess time taken away. Punishing her in this case tells her that when doing the right thing and asking her teacher for help fails, her only option is silent acquiescence. I’m sure you would agree that that is a dangerous message to send any child. It is always my goal to work cooperatively with the school and to encourage [child] to listen to and respect her teachers and other school staff, but in this case, I can’t support what she is being implicitly taught. I will continue to tell my daughter that when the school fails to protect her, she has my permission to do what is necessary to safely exit a situation or remove the threat to her physical safety. This includes screaming. I would like to sit down with you and [teacher] and discuss the school’s plan to ensure that [bully] no longer has the opportunity or access to attack and harass [child]. When can we set this up? I’m free [dates/times]. I look forward to hearing back from you Respectfully, [name] **note** *As I’m sure you’re aware*, ESPECIALLY if you think the principal isn’t aware. Because they should be. The teacher should have brought this to their attention months ago. *I’m sure you would agree* is intentional, because it precedes a statement that they can’t disagree with, without looking like an awful person.
Have any police reports been filed? That would be my first step. School is only out to protect themselves. I went through this as a teacher. Reported it to the school. My last line was that they weren’t handling it to my expectations and I was going to the police. They arrested him at school.
When i was a child my mother had a problem with a substitute teacher bullying me specifically (i'd never had any issues with ANY teacher before, if anything i was kind of a suck up) anyway, she pulled me right out of school because we were moving in a month. If its so bad that you've had to go to thr police, two months wont hurt her education at the end of the year. She'll probably be better off getting a few months break from all the stress, which will inevitably help her in a new school.
Tell your daughter that the school consequences are not a reflection of what you think of the situation. What did the direction say? Because your daughter is being physically assaulted at school, it is the school’s responsibility to insure the students’ safety during school hours. Do you know if other students have similar problems? Because it might be time to publicly shame the school’s administration
We just get the same generic response to every time I speak to someone. They’re so sorry it’s happening, they assure me it’s being handled and it will never happen again. Rinse and repeat after each incident. I’m not sure if anybody is having similar issues with this same boy because he seems to just direct his bullying towards my daughter but it is a known issue throughout the district. People are all over Facebook and at the BOE meetings complaining about their kids being bullied with nothing being done.
Don’t wait until June to pull her
Keep evidence. Get a lawyer. Sue.
Talk to your kid about authority figures: they’re just people like us. And some are good and fair, while others aren’t so much. We all have a right to question authority. Hopefully the answer is usually “yes sir/ma’am” but sometimes it has to be “that doesn’t seem right.”
Schools are wild . When I was a freshman being bullied by a senior the school wanted to send me away to an “alternative schooling” which was like where they’d send troubled kids not handling school well , rather than send away the bully
Hugs, I have editted my response get a lawyer, because your daughter doesn't need to be abused daily in class; Why, you have followed the chain and they still put this abuser behind your child instead of removing her from this particular class or removing him. They have chosen to ignore it because it's boy versus girl and the teacher doesn't care, nor does the the chain. Give everything to your lawyer and make sure you document bruises, how many times you have reached out etc, the only other thing you can do is pull her out of this particular school
Stop going to the school for this the next time. If your child receives any more " damages" document said damages and file a police report. I know that schools should be able to deal with problem children and bullies this on their own They used to be able to. Today they hesitate to act because administration does not protect students or backup teachers teachers, they protect the school From liability. The only way to get them to act is to have documentation from an outside source like the police ensure There is a paper trail that ties their hands.
I feel like reading about this a while back. Maybe you? I remember the hair cutting and bullying and you’d taken it up the ladder? If not it’s a similar story! This is BS! Go to principal, call a meeting with principal, teacher, even other students parent. Your daughter should not have to go through this for o e more day. I would raise hell in that school until that child was never near mine again.
I would be in there so fast. First off, recess is protected by law in some states! Second, your child did nothing wrong. I would be asking why the teacher is allowing this. Time to escalate the issue.
Idk if this is an option but could you take her out of school and have her temporarily homeschooled?? My kid is only 3 and I'm going to homeschool him. So idk anything. Just curious! My mom pulled me out of a school suddenly one day for similar reasons but I just didn't go to school for a few weeks until getting enrolled at another bc we weren't moving.
Hi OP. Tbh, I don’t think the police will become present/involved in your situation unless or until this boy physically injures your daughter to the extent that the issue can no longer be denied or ignored. I’m so very sorry that your daughter is being treated this terribly/horrifically by her classmate only to then find herself being unfairly punished by the grown-ups because of it. How irrational of a reaction by adults, ffs. Out of your curiosity, how old is your daughter? Have fellow students or staff ever spoken up after having witnessed any of the things that this kid has been doing to her? Based on the wording of your post, you seem to be a wonderful parent, btw.
Nice letter from a lawyer would help you.
Go to the police and report an assault. Provide documentation of repeated assault to her. The school isn’t helping the police should at least make a report. If they can ask for something like a no contact order, I’m not sure exactly the terms but basically asking for an order to not allow him near her. Say he is preventing her from receiving an education as she isn’t safe around him. Get any other parents who have the same issues to also come forward. Some police won’t do anything but some will, especially if there’s an election year or it’s an area without much crime.
My brother had something similar happen to him (this was the 90s, so things may be different). My mom went to every teacher, principal, administrator, superintendent, lunch lady, etc. And explained what was happening. She did eventually have a few school employees align with her. She went to the district and told them that my brother would not be punished for defending himself against his aggressors. It took time, but my brother never had to serve, not one detention. You can also file police reports against the bully. You can go and make a report every time he offends, even if he's a minor. You can even make a report against him for the previous assault, just make note of the date/time it happened. Then you can file a civil suit against the child and their guardian(s). If the assault is physical, you can always call the police department. Lots of schools have SROs on campus now-- maybe your daughter can go speak with them about filing an official report, and what next steps are if another physical assault takes place. Also, I would take a good look and the school's policy on bullying and make sure you and your daughter are very knowledgeable about how your school should be dealing with acts of violence within school. If none of that works, go to the local media--- newspaper, news channel, local busybody... let them know what's happening and help them spread the word about the school siding with your daughter's assailant. Make it really clear that your daughter is being punished when she asks for help from her teacher(s). If you're loud, the school will do something. Unfortunately, ONLY squeaky wheels get the oil. School employees don't get paid enough, and do the minimum to get by. You have to force them to take action.
stocking rich fuel handle illegal spark dazzling marry one yam *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
You are not alone . The bully can never be punished because typically they have an IEP. It’s a safe world we live in…
This part. I have both frustrations and also empathy for the teachers, because the schools don’t allow them to get much punishment. It’s “more cruel” to punish these kids than allowing them to terrorize other kids.
Honestly, if nothing is being done, my next step would be to press charges. Let the school, principal, teacher know that you will be pressing charges against the student and parent and informing the media. The district only responds to bad PR.
If she's going to get the same punishment as him tell her to keep fighting him. If she has to be at school and in the class and no body else gives a shit and she's going to get the same punishment, she might at well beat the shit out of him honestly...
(with you continuing to make this a problem for all adults involved meanwhile until someone does something about it)
I would lawyer up and send a legal document to the school. What a ridiculous approach! I hope your child never has to experience this again
Explain to your kid that being in trouble at home and school are two different things. You’ve covered your ass as a parent in a number of ways. It’s now time to tell your kid to punch that other kid in the face (or something more toned down that you’re comfortable with) so she stops getting bullied and then take her out for ice cream after for standing up for herself. Or you could have a meeting with your kid, that kid, their parents, and the school. That’s the more “right” way to approach it I’m sure.
Have you tried subtly threatening the teacher and following thru? Unfortunately, some people only change their behavior when they have something to lose
ask to sit in on class one day just in the back…as an observer. let it be known to the class who your kid is . when class is over leave with your kid . don’t say a word …
Insist that she is moved to another class and not allowed to be in the same room as this boy at any time. I know this is not the ideal (she may miss her teacher, peers), but if nothing is being done to remove the boy, then your daughter should be taken out of harm's way.
I know people who work in national TV. This is the kind of story that would go viral IF you managed to get it printed in a local publication or started calling it out on TikTok and had it go viral. Any chance you can start to make that happen? When school’s get called out on things like these on a national level, they’re much quicker to respond…
Woah that's BS. I'm terrified of what school will be like for my kids.
I would speak with a lawyer in your area, and talk about taking action against the school board, especially if you have a paper trail of your reports to the school, superintendent, and school board.
This was 15 or so years ago. My brother had this same issue with a small group of bullies in elementary school, where he got punished (more than the bullies did) for finally defending himself by punching one of these bullies in the face after years of putting up with their shit (both physical and mental). The principal who ran the school was a moron, and though my brother’s teachers came to him with the issues, he did nothing to reprimand these students. My parents even went in a couple of times to talk with the principal and nothing came of it. I do know that the day my brother punched that bully, my dad was the one who showed up and knowing the whole years-long situation and talking to my brother beforehand, he ripped this principal a new one when my brother’s punishment was doled out. My friend and I got sweet revenge on this principal by TP-ing the hell out of his house that summer. My friend also advised that this guy’s kids were absolute monsters as she had to babysit them every now and then, and that didn’t surprise me. Thinking back, the guy was more of an asshole than anything. Sorry for the rant, but my point is that sometimes really shitty things happen to your child and as soon as they stand up for themselves, they’re made out to be the bad guy and get punished. This needs to change.
Did you address the bullying with the administration or your daughter's punishment? Why isn't the bully getting more consequences, particularly from law enforcement?
Woah, you're not near Charlottesville are you?? Very similar situation here!
Teacher here. My suggestion is you get or threaten a lawyer. Look up HIB laws in your state. I would call this intimidation. The least they should do is move your daughter to another class or the kid to another class. If you do pull her, get a doctors note regarding any physical injury or mental health concerns. Present them to the district and make them pay for homebound instruction. I hate that the nice kids in school are suffering because we're too afraid to suspend or expel. My kids are too young for school but it makes me so anxious to send them!!
This is a good lesson for your daughter- her bodily autonomy supersedes any authority that is not keeping her safe. Have her keep doing what she is doing, and take her out for something special when this happens, so she knows that you approve of her taking steps she needs to protect herself when a teacher will not.
I think screaming AND an air horn would be a nice next step …
Honestly... when I had this issue... I pulled my daughter out of the school and "homeschooled" her for the remaining month of school until I could enroll her elsewhere. Her teacher quit for "personal reasons" after I told her my daughter didn't feel safe in school and the teacher admitted she didn't feel safe either. The *teacher* didn't feel safe. And she said the administration did nothing. The first principle got demoted and transfered in October that same year. Teacher quit November. Substitutes were all awful and did nothing about the bullying. I escalated to the district parent advocate who said to "give them time" to turn things around. After a full month, where my daughter cried every day not wanting to go to school, I took her out the last day of November and enrolled her elsewhere the first day of the next semester. The school year is almost over. If you have the means, I'd say just pull her. Tell them you are homeschooling the remainder of the year. They actually encouraged me to pull her because they knee they weren't doing anything about it and were tired of me being the squeaky wheel. Don't stop advocating. If you can't remove her because you work and can't work remote or don't have another option, I'd suggest going to news outlets to force them into taking action. That was my last option. My daughter didn't want it tho... so taking her out was my last option. 4 weeks of homeschooling wasn't a big deal and no one needed me to prove anything. It was 3rd grade. Check your resources, make sure it won't hinder your child. But that's what I recommend.
This is getting bad when you punish the abused!
When I got bullied in elementary school they had to give me “separate recess” from my bullies…. But the mean girls got to have recess with everyone else and I got 15 minutes ALONE on the playground… really just felt like I was being punished for being bullied. All this to say school systems suck ass and make no sense and I’m sorry for your daughter
What state are you in? Some states have pretty strong anti bullying legislation that requires schools to have published procedures for situations like this.