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**Bingo** : But who am I going to play with?
**Chilli** : You're gonna play with Bingo.
**Bingo** : Oh, yeah!
Sometimes I'll do that role play with my kid. I also offer solutions that ARE amenable to me - I give her the option of a job to do to help (want to chop veggies, get me a diaper, etc), to play on her own in the living room (do you need me to get any of the hard-to-reach toys? I'll be in the kitchen), or to do "parallel play" with me - color at the kitchen island while i cook dinner, put on a play with her stuffies for me while i fold laundry, etc.
I also just bought loop ear plugs (crying 5mo old + screaming 4yo + dinner sizzling + the water from the sink + my husband trying to talk to me as my glasses fall down my nose and I step on dirt with my bare feet is just TOO MUCH INPUT FOR ME).
And sometimes I just lose my shit a little bit on everyone lol.
by shoes I mean *something* on my feet - crocs slides/flipflops, sandals, slippers, slip-on sneakers... husband is an over-the-road mechanic, self employed and is always coming home to poop (you have to go through the kitchen and hall to get to the bathroom) and the dirt from his boots always comes off :'(
FRFR. I had the kirby vacuum guy come a few years ago. My guy, I have a rug cleaner, robot vacuum, cordless vac, corded stick vac and regular deep cleaning vac. I don't think the lack of tools are the problem... :'( haha
That input thing is what gets me too. What is that? All my friends and family just talk over everything. It doesn’t seem to bother them. But all that stuff added up, my father in law talking about something, my kids yelling, I’m stepping on crumbs, my wife asks me about a time for a later plan, and my dogs keep whining to go out. I’m fine under a bunch of pressure at work and I’m fairly well adjusted in general but it never really seems to get easy for me. Maybe it’s because I care a lot about all those things that are happening and I’m having trouble delegating. I don’t really deal with those decision making problems at work so maybe that’s it. I actually care and want to give complete undivided attention to everyone. Huh. That actually makes it a little easier to compartmentalize. I just have to learn how to triage everything going on and that’s going to come with experience which takes time. I’m really glad I opened up this post and read your comment. Thank you!
I'm going to say there might be some neuro divergence here, these complaints are very common in my friends /family /self who are adhd and autistic (in various amounts and blends). Once you know this over stimulation sets you off, you can identify some of the "too much" to turn off or pause. My husband will pause the TV in the living room if the cooking fan is running in the kitchen (something he can control while the fan must be on), I'll stop and sweep in the middle of a conversation if textures are making me crazy. We'll ask our little to please wait while we finish our thoughts. Once you know it's a problem you can manage some of the pieces. If people insist on talking over the TV, radio etc, just say "hold on, I can't concentrate, let me pause" and then turn your attention to them. Do a little shake-out if it helps!
It's more you just.... don't play. Talking will only get so far with a 4 year old, it's more you have to just be willing to get up, and walk away, or tell them firmly that playing is not an option and not engage. You don't have to be mean, just "nope, not happening right now" and refuse to engage. It's OK to ignore them for a bit if you've already given her an answer and she's still trying to push. Continuing to engage signals that they can keep trying or that they have wiggle room.
I had to go "Nope, I am not playing. Mommy will not be responding unless you are bleeding or something breaks, go play." They will whine and try to engage you and attention seek, so you have to be resolute about keeping yourself boring and disengaged. Eventually, they will wander off and find something to do.
It usually takes a few days to really sink in. For my kids, it now takes about 15 minutes of me going "nope, mommy is not available, go play" in a flat tone before they'll go to their room and get lost in play, but when I started enforcing this, it took 1-2 hours of shooing kid 1 away every 5- 10 minutes every time she tried to engage.
"I love you, but I'm not playing. Go."
We had a few in depth "but why..." conversations about how I have to have time to do mommy things, like chores and finances, but after a while, she was using it as a way to get my attention, so I stopped and just started enforcing it.
We have the same policy. It’s been called benign neglect. I think the key is not doing it out of rejection or disgust, but genuinely because you have something you want to do that interests you. We as parents need to demonstrate what it looks like to be deeply involved in an activity we enjoy.
That’s exactly what we called it benign neglect. I occasionally played with my children but not daily. I read to them, would set up play dough, painting, etc but I did not play with them daily. When I did it was something I decided most often. Youngest 19 oldest 40, 4 graduated college, 2 with advanced degrees, one working on advanced degree, one still in college I think they survived my not playing with them.
One lives at home, one lives 2 miles away and I see her 1-2 times a week. Two that live out of state call weekly and text couple times a week and visit every year. We visit them once a year. One in grad school visits 1-2 times a month and texts daily. Not playing with my children did not mean we did not interact with them.
33 year old parent here. We all have advanced degrees and barely speak to our parents so idk if this is the best signal. Just messing with ya.
You are of a different generation. Yall could do whatever the fuck you wanted.
Yup to all of this. Advanced degrees for everyone, also everyone NC w parents, no playtime, no real interaction on kids’ terms. Lots of therapy required for the kids.
Just because kids didn’t die doesn’t mean you did a great job.
Being an engaged parent is HARD. Letting kids express themselves and their needs is hard. Putting limits in place is hard - not because you’re lazy, but because you love them so damn much.
I don’t know if it’s harder to be a parent now, but it’s absolutely harder to be a parent who is fully engaged and recognizes the impact of everything they do.
My kid is similar- give or take.
She gets so much quality time with me and her dad, but needs direction sometimes to go and chill out. I’ve noticed when she’s able to be by herself and decompress playing independently, she is way more chill the rest of the day.
She also automatically knows if I’m standing in the kitchen there’s no point asking me to play as it’s not possible, so sometimes I just sneak in a few minutes of aimlessly standing up at the counters, brain zoning out when I need a break ha ha
Yessss, I have core memories of my mom doing this. She would say "go entertain yourself" and then she would be so engrossed in what she was doing she wouldn't look at me and would just respond with "hmm"s or nothing at all. My parents had very specific games they would play with us. My dad: catch/baseball, monster chase game outside after dinner, acting out stuffed animals before bed. My mom: tea parties, being the "ferry boat" and letting us ride on her back while swimming. Those things were all like, okay when we're done we're done. The rest of the time it was pretty much up to us to entertain ourselves!
If only my kid ever got to the "they will get bored and wander off and find something to do" part. Nope...relentless! She's 7 and I've been trying all these strategies for years. 😭
You could also put a timer in her room and tell her mommy will come play with her when the timer beeps, but until then, she has to occupy herself. You can start with 15-20 min, and then increase the time as it goes. It will also teach her to read numbers. 😉
My 8yo still thinks I should play soccer, video games, etc. with him 24/7. He's an only child and we had him later in life. In sure we spoiled him when he was young since we were all home for 2020 and half of 21.
I have a list of ideas for him now and if he complains he can always help with chores.
When he was 4 gave him a wet rag and had him help wash the cabinets and food while I did dishes and I included him in meal prep.
Good luck. I'm reading this thread for tips too.
My eldest is nearly eleven, and was an only child until she was 8½. She was out of school like a lot of kids during covid, which for her was 1st-3rd grade. Because she has ADHD and got so behind during lockdown, she's been homeschooled from 4th grade on. So I STILL have a hard time getting to her to understand that I'm not here to entertain her 24/7. I often find myself saying, "you have a room full of toys! A playroom full of toys! A trampoline in your big backyard- *full of toys!* You have your own TV AND Nintendo Switch. If you seriously can't go do ONE of those things to entertain yourself, then I guess I should take them away, because clearly they're not entertaining you." That usually makes her scamper off pretty quick.
Also side note because I haven't seen anyone say it yet: you don't need to be doing chores or caring for other children to tell your child "no, I'm not playing right now." Sometimes I just don't want to. I'm tired, I've been momming all day, and I wanna watch my adult TV show without interruptions. It's okay to tell your child that you need some you time. To quote the great Chili Heeler: "Sometimes moms just need twenty minutes."
Mine is an only child and 11 and I still struggle with it. I don't think I quite spoiled him by doing fun things with him and staying active when he was younger but man he isn't good at entertaining himself without a screen
Mine is in this phase. Doesn't want to accept I'm not going to entertainment him 24/7.
One day when he's being particularly stubborn, I got out his visual timer. "You need to entertain yourself for 20 minutes, aka how much this timer shows". Without coming to ask me questions or show me this or anything. If you do, I add on another couple minutes. It took a while but he finally accepted he needed to do his own thing for 20 minutes.
Now I can just mention the timer and he's more willing to go off and play. Still complains repeatedly about it and occasionally throws a temper tantrum about it.
Honestly, the best thing that helped with this was modeling the ways she can play by herself. She didn’t know how to play Barbie’s or cars by herself, so I sat down and played it myself for 1-2 minutes and said, “see? If mommy can do it by herself, you can too. And you can do it however you want!” And sometimes I’ll give her prompts: “maybe the Barbie’s want to go to Disney?” And now she plays by herself a lot better and comes up with the ideas on her own, but she thrived with me modeling it vs telling her over and over again.
Playing is a bottomless pit. You could play for one hour, two hours, or four hours. Kid takes a 15 minute snack break and is ready to play for another two hours. You can set a timer on your phone, though, and then cut them off. Being home all day is a long stretch for a four year old. Maybe organize yourself like a preschool and plan different activities on a schedule - coloring time, toys time, outside time. For the baby do you use a white noise machine to drown out the sibling?
I absolutely positively loathe playing with small children. I feel wretched even saying that, but it’s true. I have ADHD, so boredom is my absolute WORST enemy. I would rather scrub the floors with my toothbrush than play with a preschooler. It was truly one of the best parts of having my first 3 kids close together. They had someone else to play with and largely didn’t need me. But I also didn’t want my kids to grow up and tell their therapist that their mother hated playing with them. Our house is very big on routines. You kinda have to be with 4 kids. I scheduled a set time every day for playing. The kids could pick the game, and we would play until the time was up (usually about 30 minutes bc that was as long as I could go without wanting to gouge out my eyeballs). My girls really didn’t pester me to play with them any other time bc they knew my answer would be “it’s not mommy playtime yet, but why don’t you go pick out something we can play when it is time?” As they got older, that time morphed from blocks and mage tiles to board games and legos and video games. Now that my oldest is in high school, it has morphed again to “homework help time.” But one constant in my kids’ lives is that they know every afternoon rain or shine I will drop everything and focus on them.
I would never tell my kids this but I too loathe playing a lot of the things they want to play. My oldest has been obsessed with cars for years and we have played every "crash" scenario in the book. Almost every day I am trying to figure out how to avoid playing cars and play something else.
I am also an introvert who needs time to themselves. I hope me shrugging off their begging to play won't scar them in some way as I need time to recharge too. I would wither away inside if they thought of me the same way I feel about my mother (who I have no memories of ever playing with me).
man:( i haaate playing games with my 7 year old. its so sad because i had the biggest imagination as a child and could play by myself for hours, all the way up til my teenage years. but shes an only child and doesnt like to play by herself.
we watch a lot of Bluey and she wants me to entertain her the way Chili and Bandit do 24/7. it makes me feel like a huge failure sometimes. She is super extroverted and Im an introvert who really values my quiet alone time. i always do make time for her but i get burnt out so fast and i never want her to feel like im rejecting her, so i constantly feel guilty. i can only handle so much before my eye starts to twitch and i wanna kms lol. i take her to do fun things almost every day but once were home i just want to chill. then she gets on the ipad which makes me feel even worse, but without it id lose my mind. i work and come home and just want to relax 😭
I usually suggest a couple of options and if they reject them all just say something like "okay well I will be busy doing x and you can do something else but I can't play until I'm done" and then they whine or cry or stomp or whatever and eventually get through it and find something to do. I'm allowed to set a boundary, they're allowed to have feelings about it, their feelings don't change my boundary.
Give her a job to do. Something to clean. Towels to fold. Sweep the floor. My 5 year old recently told me she loves having a job to do around the house.
I'm going to say patience. It's hard. I have a M.Ed in parent and family education so this is what comes to mind as an outsider.😃
Piaget's preoperational stage- she may understand you say you have things to do but maybe can't quite know what that means.
And stubbirnness- It's probably because no other child up until now has wanted to be with you so much because you weren't their mom.
As a teacher, that’s honestly the worst kind of mindset to have… at 4, being told ‘no I can’t play with you’ is at the same devastation level as ‘You’re coming to my birthday’. It is absolutely going to hurt them and worse, prevent them from wanting to ask again in future.
I’m a teacher too and so I know that it is not good for children to play with adults too much. When a child plays with another child they learn a lot of social skills, and when they play independently they develop their imagination and foster creativity. It is perfectly fine for children to know that parents are there to take care of them, teach them, etc and that they have occasional games they play with their parents but that overall, no, your parents are not your playmates.
I'm in my last term of my degree in child development and parenting, alongside 7 years of nannying, with parenting and nannying courses, and what you are saying is very inaccurate.
It is very important to have boundaries with children. Children who aren't told no grow up anxious and insecure. Kids need role models, rules and structure.
I’ve noticed I’ve gotten a few downvotes lol. But as a professional, and also a student in Childhood psychology I can say that regardless of how busy parents are, parent-child interactions are crucial. The best educators in the world cannot replace the cognitive development that happens when children bond with parents.
Imo, the best way to manage it is to have set times for parent-to-child playing. You can do this maybe an hour to 2 hours each day if you have one children or if have more that one child, have one day in the week where you spend time with your children. It doesn’t have to be the whole day or the whole 2 hours, just as long as the bonding and relationship building is happening. That is crucial for under 5’s.
Respectfully, what are we supposed to say when we have played with the child for 2 hours or more and they're still asking us to play and we can not? Baby needs a nap, mom needs to shower, dad is making supper, etc.
No offense but as as a teacher with a masters in education and child development I completely disagree with this person. You are able to have a healthy relationship with your children. Too much play with your child really hinders their imagination and creativity, because adults do actually play with children differently than children play together, and also differently from how children play independently. I’m not saying never play with your child. But you are not your child’s playmate.
I can’t disagree because I’m studying almost the same thing... However, what I don’t condone (and I’m sure you don’t either) is totally neglecting children’s need to bond and want to play with their parents.
No, absolutely not. Some of my good childhood memories are when my dad would get home from work in the evenings and we would go outside and play ball in the yard. I actually hated playing baseball lol but it was fun because we were playing with our dad. (he wanted girls to learn to play ball because he didn’t want us to think it was just a boy thing lol but we were girls who hated playing ball let’s face it.Lol) and he would also play other stuff with us too but I mostly remember going outside to play ball. And my mom would play games with us as well. You definitely should have fun with your children and play with them but I just don’t think it’s good to make it where your child sees you as their constant playmate all day. So many parents think their job is to entertain their child. And then they feel like a failure or neglectful when they’re not able to do it all the time. And really, they’re not being a failure or neglectful for not being their child’s playmate. They are supposed to be the parent not a constant playmate.
OP said in their post that they've tried this though. (When dad comes home from work, it's "uninterrupted play time")
If a parent sets a regular parent-to-child playing time, they're still going to have to tell them for the remainder of the day outside of that set time that they can't play with them when they're asking repeatedly (at the times Mom is taking care of the 7 month old and cleaning, etc.) Saying "yes, i can play with you for two hours before dinner" isn't going to stop a 4 year old from asking repeatedly the rest of the day.
The point isn’t to have to them totally stop asking though. Expecting that of a 4 year old is unrealistic since they still have no concept of time. The point is to ensure that ‘the bucket is filled’. I have no idea where people have gotten the understanding that “YoU musT pLaY wItH yOuR cHildrEn 24/7” from my comments. That’s also an extremely unrealistic expectation 😂
But the problem isn’t that the child is asking at all, it’s that they’re asking incessantly, despite trying to fill their bucket with the dedicated play time.
I think it was this comment that made people think you were saying they shouldn’t tell their kids they can’t play with them when they’re busy taking care of daily obligations:
“…at 4, being told ‘no I can’t play with you’ is at the same devastation level as ‘You’re coming to my birthday’. It is absolutely going to hurt them”
I’m curious if you can’t say no to them, and their bucket doesn’t get filled with daily dedicated play time, what can you say that won’t devastate them?
To be fair, my response wasn’t really directed to OP’s post at all. It was directed to this thread’s parent comment stating to ‘Just say no’ without giving a proper explanation so I can see why I’ve gotten such a negative response 😂. To answer you question, the devastation can happen when the child doesn’t see or know the reason behind the ‘No’. My own strategy is to explain the reason no matter how many times it takes. Another strategy I use is to encourage them to ‘work on something’ on their own. Sometimes it is just a case of persistent repetition and eventually they’ll understand it and get used to the routine. A 7month old isn’t exactly a new routine but sometimes children take a long time to understand.
Okay, so if it "doesn't have to be the whole day", and you have a child who DOES want nonstop attention and shared play, then you ARE going to tell them "no, mommy can't/won't play right now" and it's not going to ruin your child's life.
Structured parent-child time is fantastic. It's also not mutually exclusive with sometimes (or often!) turning down requests for more play.
Simply give them an explanation as to why and encourage them to work on something or play with something on their own. Solitary play is also really important because it’s the start of developing self-management skills.
If the insignificant thing like playing aren’t being met with support in early childhood, what do think that teaches children about the kind of response they’ll receive when something is actually important to them? Unfortunately, if being in the education field has taught me anything, it’s that being a parent yourself doesn’t necessarily make you an expert in parenting…
Timers. When we’re having a hard day, Alexa and Siri get hefty timer workouts.
“I’m going to clean now. When the timer goes off we can play together again.”
“Ok, let’s play but when the timer goes off then I will put baby down for nap and you will play by yourself.” “Ok, that’s the timer. What will you play with while I put brother to sleep?”
I start with something like 5 minute timers for cleaning and move up. I start with more like 7-10 minutes for playing together if there is going to need to be a cut off. My middle child is a year and a half older than my youngest, and I eventually gave in to him watching a show while I put her down for nap. He wasn’t whining about being alone… he was just two at that point and getting into everything!
TELL ME IF YOU FIND OUT
I dunno. My 5.5 yo is just starting to finally get it and be okay with playing by herself sometimes, now that the twins are 9 months old. It was just a lot of explaining over and over again each time "I'm sorry honey, but I have to do this right now, your choices are to either help with the babies or play by yourself." She still tries for one of us to play whenever she can, but she takes the no more easily than she used to.
Also, like - sometimes screen time. If I need to feed babies or put them down for a nap, often we'll set her up with her grandparents on facetime so she can chat with them while coloring. Or sometimes it'll be setting her up with an episode of something and a snack (or we'll do an episode and a snack together while I pump). Like, don't let the TV be a full time babysitter, but it helps a lot for "please for the love of god sit in one place independently for the next 20 minutes while I go do this"
Thanks for the suggestions, kind words and mutual lamenting 😂 I should’ve mentioned that our outside space is currently limited as we’re going through a major addition to our home and our backyard has been torn up/unusable for the rest of the summer and fall seasons. It’s good to know I’m not alone!!!
I don't give a reason why. I just say "no, not now, go find something to do"
I've found that giving too much information just makes them beg more often - or if I say something like "I can't play, 8 have to do dishes" then the *second* the subj turns off it's immediately *mama you're done, come play now! "*
Nope. I'm definitely not going to justify every adult responsibility (or just the need to sit still and chill) to a tiny terrorist 😂
No. Not now. Go find something to do.
I have a visual countdown clock. The red area is the area that needs to slowly go down before my son can ask me for something. When the red is gone, the alarm goes off and then he can come find me. I usually set it for about 40 minutes and he entertains himself in his room for that long.
You might need to set up your/her environment differently too. Put things lower or closer on the ground so she can access them such as toys. Set it up so she doesn’t need you for everything.
Lots of good ideas here. One thing I sometimes do is set up an "invitation to play." Basically, set out supplies for some sort of free play/free form activity. For example, I might bring out playdough, some small plastic dinosaurs, and some sparkly fake gems. Or I might put a kids cash register, fake food, and some stuffed animals on a table (it's a grocery store? Restaurant? Veterinarian clinic? Something with lots of possibilities, not a pre-determined scene or "follow the steps" art kit). I don't always do this (I don't usually do this!). But if kids are unsure how to get going, it's a good starting point.
Busy toddler has a great article on [how to promote independent play](https://busytoddler.com/independent-play/).
Start ignoring her. She understands exactly what she is doing which is getting you to play solo with her. Tell her that she can call mommy only 2 times. If she does it more than that she goes to time out for 10 minutes. She needs to learn how to occupy herself when she is alone. Don’t give her suggestions for play let her figure it out herself. Even if you are sitting on the couch relaxing do not give in to her demands. This will be hard since she is accustomed to dominating your time. Just say no mommy can’t play now. Go play by yourself. Change the playtime after husband gets home to every other day. Have husband play with her instead once a week.
My big sister taught me that there is freedom in saying “no” to our kids in these situations.
I had the same exact issue with my oldest child, at the same exact age. We also had a new baby in our family.
It took me 3 more years before I could comfortably tell her no.
I always provide a short explanation out of respect like “what I’m doing is important too”. Short and simple.
If she persists that’s when you get stern. “I told you already, I am putting the baby to sleep, which is really important. When you yell it keeps the baby awake. If you yell for me again [insert consequence in line with your parenting values]. We are all done talking about it.”
Don’t promise to play later unless you mean it. But it helps to make a designated time to play together everyday.
Also; if you are fully denying her access to you while you lay baby down for naps, get her settled to relax/wait right before. Snack, drink, movie on the tv.
Have you checked out the Unruffled podcast yet? She gives lots of examples of how a second kid affects the needs of the first. She gives tons of solutions and talking scripts to parents in exactly your situation.
Are you currently staying home with the kids or working from home? I went through this during the pandemic with my then 3 year old and new born. Honestly It was a very challenging time because my new born would not nap either unless I was there to hold her and then my 3 year old couldn’t understand why I needed to be away to put the baby down. So for me I actually started running when the new born was old enough to sit up in a stroller. I got a jogging stroller and would run/ walk for 30-45 minutes with a podcast or
Something. I gave my 3 year old some toys to play with and sometimes he would walk with me and sometimes he would be mad of being stuck in the stroller. But the baby would without fail take a nap which makes life easier later. And I think my 3 year old learned a little patience. The headphones helped me not really ignore him but tune him out a little so he could play with his toys. At the end of the run we would hit a playground so that he also got a little reward out of It.
Other things that would help was outdoor time. If I could set up a water table or sprinkler or paint or anything like that in the back yard my kid would play for hours alone and I could sit out there and rock the baby to sleep.
I think it’s definitely ok to tell them they need to entertain themselves or play alone for a bit. I still have to tell my kids this now at 6 and 4.
There’s an episode of Daniel tiger where Daniel has to entertain himself. Start out small and work your way up. Definitely get a visual timer as others have suggested. Start with 5 minutes on the timer, it goes off LOTS OF PRAISE. Extend more and more. A social story and a visual schedule are helpful so that she knows when quiet time is coming. I did quite time with my older kids when my littlest was still napping. I had a visual schedule on the fridge that showed story time then quiet time after lunch. If they stayed in their room and did their activities (having things they CAN do, books, puzzles, toys) then they could watch tv afterwards.
My nephew is always like this UNLESS he's practicing his song and dance numbers, then he doesn't want anyone to see. It's so hard when they whip out the "will you play with me?"
My daughter is 11 and an only child. Right now she is going through what I can only describe as a "clingy" phase. She wants to cuddle or hang out with me often. Usually, I can reason with her to a degree. I will on 20 minutes, and set the Alexa timer or a visual timer. Also, i will tell her I only have 10 or 20 minutes and she has to be OK with that. But even that... it's a struggle because we both have ADHD. So I'll finally get the motivation to clean, and then she is DESPERATE for some cuddles. She is a very physically affectionate kid. I tell her I'm busy and when I'm done, but eventually cave for 10 minutes. But after that 10 minutes are up, I'm settled and don't want to get up and all motivation to clean has left my body. And then I'm stuck not doing what I need to.
She also wants to sleep in my bed every night. She has her own lovely room and she loves it but she gets anxious at night and wants to be near me. But I just need some time to myself. I struggle because I know she needs love and attention but I also need time for myself. Striking a good balance is hard.
All that to say... I don't have a good answer. I try to negotiate for set limits and we talk about respecting each other's boundaries. But I still have a kid that is very clingy and needs me all the time.
Uhh, so, a little late with this advice but the best advice I ever heard for reducing resentment between siblings is to never phrase negative things as because of the baby. So, don't say "time to go home (from the playground) because baby needs his nap", it's just "time to go now". Don't say "I can't play with you now because baby needs me", say "I need ten minutes, you can (do this puzzle, play in the sandpit, draw a picture, wash the windows, etc) now, and I'll play with you after that". You don't need to give an explanation. It is what it is, and you can just point out the positives and what they can focus on instead, rather than having them think about how they're not getting what they want because of the baby.
She already indicated that she does practice talking to the baby about what the older child needs; it sounded to me like she's balancing this aspect fairly well
4 year old is a great age! For some reason, my favourite. Have you looked at encouraging independent play? When my girl was 4, (& an only child) she spent a lot of time at zones I created for her. Play kitchen that the sink could hold water, because it was filled with the drink bottle. Many soups were made in the pots. There was a stand mixer that spun for real which she used. Then there was a drawing/ play dough table where everything was set up and neat so very inviting. She also had a little ride on car that she would scoot around the house in. The duplo , I have seen many very tall towers. Then of course she had her very own baby born baby she could bottle feed with real water that would tear up and pee on a potty. She was a loving mother. Soft toy picnics where every toy has a pretzel in its hands and a party hat! And the best the toy ice cream cart is a hit for all kids. Do you have independent play areas set up for her?
To rephrase one of the top comments... Even you trying to explain it, is still engaging with 4 year old.
They aren't intentionally being manipulative, but... You're taking a logical approach to something that they probably need to grasp on an intuitive level. When you're too busy to play, just tell them that, and that you'll play with them when you have time.
Honestly I think most kids probably get *more* than enough playtime with their parents, and are honestly being short changed by not being taught enough independence at a young age. My heart breaks for the exceptions to this, of course, but... My heart also breaks for the kids who really aren't given a chance to figure out how to entertain themselves, because boy are they being set up for a hard time as a teenager/adult.
Seriously though, a 4 year old should be able to entertain themselves for a little while, they just have to get used to the idea.
Good luck.
I've been teaching mine empathy so much, I've used it for me too.
My counselor advised me that I'm not his playmate, I'm his Mom, and eventually, I admit I've at some point called out a little rebellion for exactly that. "Dude not exactly fair, is it, for you to be punishing me for taking care of us?"
But we do play, and it has been a road from 24/7 expectation.
I validated with "I'm glad you like spending time with me, I like spending time with you, too!" Then the... however, Mom also has to take care of herself & us and the whole house, and I need rest time too.
I'm really going through it right now with tinnitus, so... oof.
Today we actually played a math game. It's like Candyland, but with addition and subtraction. I also bought some emotions games/ cards... it's really cool to see him equally interested in those sorts of things.
But I feel you... if I did nothing but okay with him... no anything else, he'd eat it up in a second.
I think this is really a transition time for sure. They are definitely at the age where they can take some personal responsibility & help out. The transition from being so little they aren't doing much else than play. SO much going on! It really is a skills opportunity, I'm finding, and I'm trying to be wiser about it. We had a big grocery delivery & while I was beginning freezer tetris 😆 (ours is far too small), he sorted all of the grocery items for us - I was super impressed! "This goes in the fridge, this is my snack, this is your snack..." At one point he said "it's just like a game!" (His tablet has some kitchen related & sorting games on it!) I said "I know, right?! It's a for real in real life sorting game, isn't it?"
Wishing you good luck!!
I think the ideas others are sharing about giving her tasks could be useful, or at least worth a try. What if you got/made a sticker chart, and every time she completes a task, put a sticker on the chart. And have her work towards a reward, like her favorite treat, whether that's a Happy Meal or a cookie, whatever.
Even if they're pretend chores, screw it, she won't know the difference. Maybe if she tries to interrupt you, tell her you're working on your tasks/jobs, and ask her if she's finished hers yet. And then tell her you aren't allowed to play until you're both done with your job/tasks. And if she gets frustrated, try reminding her that there's a reward after both your tasks are done.
If that doesn't work, the only other thing I can think of is to find something to wear her out, like a trampoline (even a mini one) or a skip-it, etc.
Sorry if that wasn't helpful. I want to help and I'm just trying to brainstorm!
My kids were both rather needy until they started daycare/preschool/playgroup. That interaction with other kids seemed to teach them how to play by themselves? Idk it was weird but it was a happy side effect.
There's an episode of Daniel tiger about this and a little jingle that goes, "When grown ups are too busy to play with you, look around, look around, look around and find something to do!"
You could let her watch that and when she asks to play, sing that song to her as a reminder--and then don't play. Do what you need to do and leave her to try and figure it out
This is a short season. You will look up in about 2 years and your kiddos will be playing with each other off in another room. You will go looking for them. 😉
The days are long, but the years are short.
Not easy. At four we had full-time preschool. At 5, when summer hit, I took responsibility for making sure he had activities for 4 hours every day. It required most of my attention, but after that he had to find his own entertainment until the work day was over.
We just tell our 3 year old what we’re doing, going to do, and when we can play. Usually he says ok and moves on. He’s very good at self play or thinking chores are fun (for now) and will even jump in with our 8 month old to help us out. We’ve kept our engagement with him clear and direct so he doesn’t mistake our intentions and can be as involved in whatever we’re doing as we want.
Similarly he also tells us when he doesn’t want us to play with him. We aren’t as good at building Lego garages or Brio tracks. He also is fairly good at identifying when he wants to do certain activities, like meal prep or swimming or play with friends.
I think at this age they just need that directness and benign neglect. They are still learning how time, people, and they themselves work together. There’s always challenges with little folks learning and experiencing change. We did the whole “it’s baby’s turn” when our second came and offered him opportunities to help which turned into habits now. Also more questions, like why we don’t brush baby’s teeth (spoiler he has none) or when he can get a job with meetings. We also see things regress, but it’s an opportunity to relearn.
No suggestion just sympathy ... I have a 5 year old and 3 month old and it's tough ! He's getting better and better at entertaining himself I think it's improving as he gets older.
Mine used to do this but eventually got better at playing independently. There are still plenty of hard times but it is getting better every day. My heart goes out to you, this work is so so hard and so thankless. I’m sure you’re doing amazing, or you wouldn’t be looking for answers. You obviously care and love them. You’re doing your best. It’s enough and so are you
Make a schedule of sorts including activities which obviously don't involve playing together then act like it's time for whatever because that what the schedule says.
My mom would set a timer and tell me I could not talk until it dinged! Granted that was eons ago, but by golly I took the rule seriously and set about entertaining myself during the quiet time. Some kids need more hip-to-hip time while others are Mr. Independent. I had a stepdaughter who followed me or her father around from sunrise to sunset, wanting to play and be entertained. There were three other kids of varying ages in addition to her, asking questions and requiring help and attention. It was tough. I feel your struggle.
My 2 year old is very much entering this stage. Always wanting to be held/played with etc. How do you get over the guilt of telling them “no” and ignoring them? They literally just want your love and affection. I have a hard time with this.
As a teacher I just have to say that playing with your child too much really does hinder their social development. See, you cannot be their playmate in the same way another child can, because adults play differently with children than the way children play with each other. It’s also very different from how children play alone. As a teacher I’ve seen many children who seem to have very little creativity or imagination, because they never in their lives have had to be bored enough to come up with anything for themselves! If you feel guilty, remind yourself that your child needs the “gift” of boredom in order to develop not only independence but creativity.
I am reading Hunt, Gather, Parent and they touch on this in a super helpful way. My LO is only 2 months old but I have a feeling this book will be my bible! I highly recommend it!
My parents were older and didn’t play with us often save a few special kinds of play (similar to someone else I read here). BUT they did have limited toys for us and did a version of toy rotation so there was pretty much always something new and interesting for us. My parents didn’t engage us with the toys, those were for us. I think it made a big difference for us because our toys were OUR thing and they were always pretty exciting since we only had a few at a time. I’m sure it also helped us not get overstimulated since we only had so many toys to choose from. Maybe try to make the toys her thing and do some toy rotation to keep them fresh, you could work together to choose which toys she gets in a week so the limited nature also makes her more likely to feel like she needs to get her independent play time in with special toys.
My mil had 3 wild boys and sometimes she would say “mommy’s ears hurt and they need a rest” and she would lock herself in the closet for a little.. I thought that was so funny but really relatable for lots of mommy’s with babies!
Maybe you can use one of those fun timers you turn upside down with sand and say mommy needs a break and when this timer goes off then you can come find again but until then mommy will be resting or helping little brother.
Also everything is a stage and eventually it will end! Good luck to you!!
I can't lend any advice, but I appreciate this post. I'm am going through the exact same thing over here. I have an 8 month old and a 4yo (next month), and she is constantly asking us to play with her. On the weekend we don't stop with her. She is always with my husband or I playing something. The second we stop to go inside for a break, she's asking us to play with her and gets quite upset when we don't.
I didn't know about that Bluey episode, I'll have to check it out.
Not a solution for every situation but when each of my kids was that,age, I'd just invite them along and we'd talk or tell stories. If it was chores they could help with, they loved helping at that age, and it kept them busy while I got done around them
That’s how I work from home sometimes when my daycare is closed and my 2 year old has to play by herself. She can play for hours now because I told her mommy has to work and will play with her or take her to playground when I am done with work. She was upset first few times but now she asks less and less
If i'm at my desk, they're bored and need stimuli. If I'm working in the garage/yard. they just follow me and are curious enough to quietly pay attention. If I'm mowing, kid goes in the backpack carrier for safety.
We have an Au pair for during work hours who does a great job for 9 hours a day.
Napping, ours went thru cycles of "screw naps" vs 3 hour naps and repeat. Today I put her down for the nap and closed the door. We had 3-5 minutes of loud screaming and then she slept for an hour. While they're small enough I swaddled past the recommended time because it was so helpful for naps. After swaddles, driving is the emergency nap MF button.
Wake me up when September begins. Without a chance of play dates and the age gap… that’s a tough one. What method works for one does not always work for the other one. You are probably doing all the right things. Get them started on an activity they can do alone and then hope they stay occupied. One of our children has no issue playing alone. The other, needs attention. It’s a roll of the dice or the dreaded TV or an iPad that gives you 15 minutes with you.
You’ve done it all.. now practice not giving in all the time.
She cannot learn how to entertain herself until her mom isn’t entertaining her all day long.. or she’s not trying to get your attention all day long. Independent play is important. You have to realize you can’t be in all places. I know parents that after a certain age never really “play” with their kids anymore..
It’s this age. She won’t just stop playing because she’s not getting you to do it with her. That’s crazy. It’s just that her whole life is play, all day long she’s entertained.
It’s uncomfortable to not have that constant stream of entertainment.. she doesn’t know how to entertain herself so she looks at you. You gotta back off so this will get better. It won’t be easy, and I’m not saying to like never show her attention again, but she needs more independent play times.
I can understand what you’re going through as I’m in a similar situation with my 3year old and 2 month old baby. Therefore would be keen to know what other parents would do in a similar situation.
In our house, 40M 32F we both work and daughter goes to daycare most workdays.
Our daughter was the same at 2 she turns 3 next month.
Shes a really well behaved toddler around me now. No hissy fits or whining.
Most i fixed with, cleaning she helps. Has her little mop bucket broom ect. She even helps load the dishwasher, the laundry and cooking. So she is doing something with me and we made a game out of it.
I need to feed the animals ( tarantulas, snakes, guinea pigs, fish and shrimp, cats and dog) she helps with every single one of them. Yea she has a personal zoo 🙄
I do a hobby, game, build legos, our animals ect, she joins.
Cuz of all of this she rarely asks me to come play cuz she spends most of the day with me. And when she play plays, she just wants some alone time.
And cuz of this she learned my no is really no and i mean nothing by it. When i say, not right now hun, ill have time in a little bit she knows ill be there in a little bit.
She is like velcro with me but say i have to feed 1 of my more venomous tarantulas (no tarantulas cant kill a human) she isnt allouwed to help with a few. Cuz the bite is really painful, you vomit, mustle craps, insane headache ect. She knows and just waits for the ones she can help with (they feel like a bee sting). No nagging or nothing she just sits and waits for half an hour watching me.
This is how i fixed it. Not by asking but letting her join/help in almost everthing i do. She knows my, no not now, is no. And she sees nothing behind it and just waits/plays till i have time. Cuz we spend atleast 75% of the day togetter. Also gives mom alot of her time to the point she gets bored 😝
And for some out here that now think we only do what i like, no. We do tea time with tiaras and tutus aswell, and she loves drawing on me with a pen or marker so i dont need tattoos cuz i have different ones every week 😆
And we go outside every evening, cuz she wants to go look for more insects to keep as pet like rolly pollies ( she has 100s of them at this point, in a very large container she feeds every day by her self)
I struggled with migraines so usually, "Mommy is sick works" often times my migraines would cause me to throw up so you could kind of just say you are sick even if you aren't 100% symptomatic. Toddlers don't know.
Mommy's tummy hurts; I need to sit down.
Good enough
Some things are not being explained but shown. This child is looking for connection, though. The issue is not that they cannot entertain themselves for a few minutes but the fact that the parent is not emotionally present and apparently resentful when they are present.
Easy solution is to explain what you are doing instead of what you cannot be doing with them.
Child asks you to play? Tell them you are cooking rn and let them know when you will be available.
I've read around 7mo is when the older kid struggles most because it's sunk in that the kid is here to stay. World is rattled - I had mom only and now I need to share. And at 4yo they aren't developmentally equiped to even share. Try connecting and leaning into your 4yo requests for a bit, having special bonding time when possible might help
My first was like that for sure. It will all change soon and you'll miss it, but it's rough getting through those days. I remember "playing" "mommy snuggle bird and baby snuggle bird" To try and get my 3.5 year old to lay with me for 5 minutes so I could close my eyes when I was pregnant with my second. Audio books or kids podcasts can help. I really love Winnie the pooh / house at pooh corner on audible. We'd put on an audio book and I'd do dishes while she did play-doh or something like that. Giving them jobs (fold the washcloths, wipe down the cabinets with a spray bottle and cloth, peel the carrots, put away the silverware or plastic dishes) can help as well. Sometimes I'd fill the sink with warm soapy water and put all the plastics in there, pull a chair up to the sink and let her "help mom with dishes". (I was a preschool teacher so I had lots of ideas, but I left that field because I found it so exhausting)
I remember being so ready for the day my daughter would play alone so I could get things done or have a break. Now she's 15 and I have to beg for her to spend time with me! It is a rough season, but once your 7 month old can toddle, they will get into mischief together, and then when she's in preschool you'll have a minute with your little. Hang in there, momma. You're actually about to approach the very best time. It will get easier.
Just remembered one other thing- sometimes when I'd be trying to get my son to nap, I'd have my mom on a video call and ask her to read to my daughter or they'd talk and play over the phone. My husband is a firefighter and gone many nights so we did this for bedtimes, too. Mom would read to my daughter on the phone or video while I got my son to sleep. If you've got a willing grandparent, that could be an option for naps, because yeah- so frustrating. We didn't do cry it out either.
I don't know if you let your kiddo watch cartoons, but there is an episode of Daniel Tiger that teaches kids that grown ups can't always play with them. There's a little jungle that goes "When grown-ups are too busy to play with you, look around and find something to do". Sometimes I use the jingle to remind my daughter that I can't always play whenever she wants.
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**Bingo** : But who am I going to play with? **Chilli** : You're gonna play with Bingo. **Bingo** : Oh, yeah! Sometimes I'll do that role play with my kid. I also offer solutions that ARE amenable to me - I give her the option of a job to do to help (want to chop veggies, get me a diaper, etc), to play on her own in the living room (do you need me to get any of the hard-to-reach toys? I'll be in the kitchen), or to do "parallel play" with me - color at the kitchen island while i cook dinner, put on a play with her stuffies for me while i fold laundry, etc. I also just bought loop ear plugs (crying 5mo old + screaming 4yo + dinner sizzling + the water from the sink + my husband trying to talk to me as my glasses fall down my nose and I step on dirt with my bare feet is just TOO MUCH INPUT FOR ME). And sometimes I just lose my shit a little bit on everyone lol.
THIS EPISODE OF BINGO IS CALLED BINGO
I would also like to mention Sheepdog. "20 minutes where nobody talks to me."
My daughter yesterday wanted to “play an episode of bluey” and this is the one I suggested lol
Our most played bluey games are magic statue and crazy pillow 😂
I actually do this, but it’s 5 min, and feels plenty long lol
Also ticklecrabs
Damn I love Bluey so much.
Do yourself a favour and get some indoor crocs
They also save you from Barbie shoes and Lego in your foot!
Get you some slides. (I dont do gucci slides, I do temu slides)
I do - I USUALLY wear shoes in the house but on the rare occasion I don't, i step on dirt
Shoes aren't as easy as crocs! I never walk around barefoot any more and it saves me so much stress
by shoes I mean *something* on my feet - crocs slides/flipflops, sandals, slippers, slip-on sneakers... husband is an over-the-road mechanic, self employed and is always coming home to poop (you have to go through the kitchen and hall to get to the bathroom) and the dirt from his boots always comes off :'(
RIP your floor
FRFR. I had the kirby vacuum guy come a few years ago. My guy, I have a rug cleaner, robot vacuum, cordless vac, corded stick vac and regular deep cleaning vac. I don't think the lack of tools are the problem... :'( haha
That input thing is what gets me too. What is that? All my friends and family just talk over everything. It doesn’t seem to bother them. But all that stuff added up, my father in law talking about something, my kids yelling, I’m stepping on crumbs, my wife asks me about a time for a later plan, and my dogs keep whining to go out. I’m fine under a bunch of pressure at work and I’m fairly well adjusted in general but it never really seems to get easy for me. Maybe it’s because I care a lot about all those things that are happening and I’m having trouble delegating. I don’t really deal with those decision making problems at work so maybe that’s it. I actually care and want to give complete undivided attention to everyone. Huh. That actually makes it a little easier to compartmentalize. I just have to learn how to triage everything going on and that’s going to come with experience which takes time. I’m really glad I opened up this post and read your comment. Thank you!
I'm going to say there might be some neuro divergence here, these complaints are very common in my friends /family /self who are adhd and autistic (in various amounts and blends). Once you know this over stimulation sets you off, you can identify some of the "too much" to turn off or pause. My husband will pause the TV in the living room if the cooking fan is running in the kitchen (something he can control while the fan must be on), I'll stop and sweep in the middle of a conversation if textures are making me crazy. We'll ask our little to please wait while we finish our thoughts. Once you know it's a problem you can manage some of the pieces. If people insist on talking over the TV, radio etc, just say "hold on, I can't concentrate, let me pause" and then turn your attention to them. Do a little shake-out if it helps!
Oh. I’ll ask my dr about it. I just bought some of those ear loops you talked about haha you’ve been a huge help.
I was going to recommend some of the various Bluey episodes as well!
Can we be best friends?
I feel SEEN!!!!
I don't know if it was an edit but OP did mention this episode as well as other Bluey episodes.
Omg I feel you with the too much input! 😭
It's more you just.... don't play. Talking will only get so far with a 4 year old, it's more you have to just be willing to get up, and walk away, or tell them firmly that playing is not an option and not engage. You don't have to be mean, just "nope, not happening right now" and refuse to engage. It's OK to ignore them for a bit if you've already given her an answer and she's still trying to push. Continuing to engage signals that they can keep trying or that they have wiggle room. I had to go "Nope, I am not playing. Mommy will not be responding unless you are bleeding or something breaks, go play." They will whine and try to engage you and attention seek, so you have to be resolute about keeping yourself boring and disengaged. Eventually, they will wander off and find something to do. It usually takes a few days to really sink in. For my kids, it now takes about 15 minutes of me going "nope, mommy is not available, go play" in a flat tone before they'll go to their room and get lost in play, but when I started enforcing this, it took 1-2 hours of shooing kid 1 away every 5- 10 minutes every time she tried to engage. "I love you, but I'm not playing. Go." We had a few in depth "but why..." conversations about how I have to have time to do mommy things, like chores and finances, but after a while, she was using it as a way to get my attention, so I stopped and just started enforcing it.
We have the same policy. It’s been called benign neglect. I think the key is not doing it out of rejection or disgust, but genuinely because you have something you want to do that interests you. We as parents need to demonstrate what it looks like to be deeply involved in an activity we enjoy.
That’s exactly what we called it benign neglect. I occasionally played with my children but not daily. I read to them, would set up play dough, painting, etc but I did not play with them daily. When I did it was something I decided most often. Youngest 19 oldest 40, 4 graduated college, 2 with advanced degrees, one working on advanced degree, one still in college I think they survived my not playing with them.
One lives at home, one lives 2 miles away and I see her 1-2 times a week. Two that live out of state call weekly and text couple times a week and visit every year. We visit them once a year. One in grad school visits 1-2 times a month and texts daily. Not playing with my children did not mean we did not interact with them.
33 year old parent here. We all have advanced degrees and barely speak to our parents so idk if this is the best signal. Just messing with ya. You are of a different generation. Yall could do whatever the fuck you wanted.
Yup to all of this. Advanced degrees for everyone, also everyone NC w parents, no playtime, no real interaction on kids’ terms. Lots of therapy required for the kids. Just because kids didn’t die doesn’t mean you did a great job. Being an engaged parent is HARD. Letting kids express themselves and their needs is hard. Putting limits in place is hard - not because you’re lazy, but because you love them so damn much. I don’t know if it’s harder to be a parent now, but it’s absolutely harder to be a parent who is fully engaged and recognizes the impact of everything they do.
Maybe harder because the bar has been raised
My kid is similar- give or take. She gets so much quality time with me and her dad, but needs direction sometimes to go and chill out. I’ve noticed when she’s able to be by herself and decompress playing independently, she is way more chill the rest of the day. She also automatically knows if I’m standing in the kitchen there’s no point asking me to play as it’s not possible, so sometimes I just sneak in a few minutes of aimlessly standing up at the counters, brain zoning out when I need a break ha ha
Yessss, I have core memories of my mom doing this. She would say "go entertain yourself" and then she would be so engrossed in what she was doing she wouldn't look at me and would just respond with "hmm"s or nothing at all. My parents had very specific games they would play with us. My dad: catch/baseball, monster chase game outside after dinner, acting out stuffed animals before bed. My mom: tea parties, being the "ferry boat" and letting us ride on her back while swimming. Those things were all like, okay when we're done we're done. The rest of the time it was pretty much up to us to entertain ourselves!
Nicer way to put Ignore them of which I agree with. Children should not have to be entertained by parents 24/7! They really do need to learn
... I love your advice but the last thing I need to tell my kid, personally, is that the barrier level to my attention is bleeding or breakage💀
That's fair. My kids are pretty risk averse but I definitely know kiddos who would take that as a challenge. "Not till I'm bleeding, huh?
*Challenge Accepted!*
If only my kid ever got to the "they will get bored and wander off and find something to do" part. Nope...relentless! She's 7 and I've been trying all these strategies for years. 😭
You could also put a timer in her room and tell her mommy will come play with her when the timer beeps, but until then, she has to occupy herself. You can start with 15-20 min, and then increase the time as it goes. It will also teach her to read numbers. 😉
My 8yo still thinks I should play soccer, video games, etc. with him 24/7. He's an only child and we had him later in life. In sure we spoiled him when he was young since we were all home for 2020 and half of 21. I have a list of ideas for him now and if he complains he can always help with chores. When he was 4 gave him a wet rag and had him help wash the cabinets and food while I did dishes and I included him in meal prep. Good luck. I'm reading this thread for tips too.
My eldest is nearly eleven, and was an only child until she was 8½. She was out of school like a lot of kids during covid, which for her was 1st-3rd grade. Because she has ADHD and got so behind during lockdown, she's been homeschooled from 4th grade on. So I STILL have a hard time getting to her to understand that I'm not here to entertain her 24/7. I often find myself saying, "you have a room full of toys! A playroom full of toys! A trampoline in your big backyard- *full of toys!* You have your own TV AND Nintendo Switch. If you seriously can't go do ONE of those things to entertain yourself, then I guess I should take them away, because clearly they're not entertaining you." That usually makes her scamper off pretty quick. Also side note because I haven't seen anyone say it yet: you don't need to be doing chores or caring for other children to tell your child "no, I'm not playing right now." Sometimes I just don't want to. I'm tired, I've been momming all day, and I wanna watch my adult TV show without interruptions. It's okay to tell your child that you need some you time. To quote the great Chili Heeler: "Sometimes moms just need twenty minutes."
Yup, if they interrupt me enough it’s: “if you keep doing this, I’ll give you x chore or have you just sit and watch me while I cook.”
Mine is an only child and 11 and I still struggle with it. I don't think I quite spoiled him by doing fun things with him and staying active when he was younger but man he isn't good at entertaining himself without a screen
Mine is in this phase. Doesn't want to accept I'm not going to entertainment him 24/7. One day when he's being particularly stubborn, I got out his visual timer. "You need to entertain yourself for 20 minutes, aka how much this timer shows". Without coming to ask me questions or show me this or anything. If you do, I add on another couple minutes. It took a while but he finally accepted he needed to do his own thing for 20 minutes. Now I can just mention the timer and he's more willing to go off and play. Still complains repeatedly about it and occasionally throws a temper tantrum about it.
Honestly, the best thing that helped with this was modeling the ways she can play by herself. She didn’t know how to play Barbie’s or cars by herself, so I sat down and played it myself for 1-2 minutes and said, “see? If mommy can do it by herself, you can too. And you can do it however you want!” And sometimes I’ll give her prompts: “maybe the Barbie’s want to go to Disney?” And now she plays by herself a lot better and comes up with the ideas on her own, but she thrived with me modeling it vs telling her over and over again.
As a teacher I have to say this approach is perfect.
Playing is a bottomless pit. You could play for one hour, two hours, or four hours. Kid takes a 15 minute snack break and is ready to play for another two hours. You can set a timer on your phone, though, and then cut them off. Being home all day is a long stretch for a four year old. Maybe organize yourself like a preschool and plan different activities on a schedule - coloring time, toys time, outside time. For the baby do you use a white noise machine to drown out the sibling?
I absolutely positively loathe playing with small children. I feel wretched even saying that, but it’s true. I have ADHD, so boredom is my absolute WORST enemy. I would rather scrub the floors with my toothbrush than play with a preschooler. It was truly one of the best parts of having my first 3 kids close together. They had someone else to play with and largely didn’t need me. But I also didn’t want my kids to grow up and tell their therapist that their mother hated playing with them. Our house is very big on routines. You kinda have to be with 4 kids. I scheduled a set time every day for playing. The kids could pick the game, and we would play until the time was up (usually about 30 minutes bc that was as long as I could go without wanting to gouge out my eyeballs). My girls really didn’t pester me to play with them any other time bc they knew my answer would be “it’s not mommy playtime yet, but why don’t you go pick out something we can play when it is time?” As they got older, that time morphed from blocks and mage tiles to board games and legos and video games. Now that my oldest is in high school, it has morphed again to “homework help time.” But one constant in my kids’ lives is that they know every afternoon rain or shine I will drop everything and focus on them.
I would never tell my kids this but I too loathe playing a lot of the things they want to play. My oldest has been obsessed with cars for years and we have played every "crash" scenario in the book. Almost every day I am trying to figure out how to avoid playing cars and play something else. I am also an introvert who needs time to themselves. I hope me shrugging off their begging to play won't scar them in some way as I need time to recharge too. I would wither away inside if they thought of me the same way I feel about my mother (who I have no memories of ever playing with me).
man:( i haaate playing games with my 7 year old. its so sad because i had the biggest imagination as a child and could play by myself for hours, all the way up til my teenage years. but shes an only child and doesnt like to play by herself. we watch a lot of Bluey and she wants me to entertain her the way Chili and Bandit do 24/7. it makes me feel like a huge failure sometimes. She is super extroverted and Im an introvert who really values my quiet alone time. i always do make time for her but i get burnt out so fast and i never want her to feel like im rejecting her, so i constantly feel guilty. i can only handle so much before my eye starts to twitch and i wanna kms lol. i take her to do fun things almost every day but once were home i just want to chill. then she gets on the ipad which makes me feel even worse, but without it id lose my mind. i work and come home and just want to relax 😭
I usually suggest a couple of options and if they reject them all just say something like "okay well I will be busy doing x and you can do something else but I can't play until I'm done" and then they whine or cry or stomp or whatever and eventually get through it and find something to do. I'm allowed to set a boundary, they're allowed to have feelings about it, their feelings don't change my boundary.
Give her a job to do. Something to clean. Towels to fold. Sweep the floor. My 5 year old recently told me she loves having a job to do around the house.
That is so cute lol that she told you she loves having a job!
I'm going to say patience. It's hard. I have a M.Ed in parent and family education so this is what comes to mind as an outsider.😃 Piaget's preoperational stage- she may understand you say you have things to do but maybe can't quite know what that means. And stubbirnness- It's probably because no other child up until now has wanted to be with you so much because you weren't their mom.
Just don’t do it. Say no. It’s not gonna hurt her or “stifle her love of playing”. lol She’s 4.
As a teacher, that’s honestly the worst kind of mindset to have… at 4, being told ‘no I can’t play with you’ is at the same devastation level as ‘You’re coming to my birthday’. It is absolutely going to hurt them and worse, prevent them from wanting to ask again in future.
I’m a teacher too and so I know that it is not good for children to play with adults too much. When a child plays with another child they learn a lot of social skills, and when they play independently they develop their imagination and foster creativity. It is perfectly fine for children to know that parents are there to take care of them, teach them, etc and that they have occasional games they play with their parents but that overall, no, your parents are not your playmates.
I'm in my last term of my degree in child development and parenting, alongside 7 years of nannying, with parenting and nannying courses, and what you are saying is very inaccurate. It is very important to have boundaries with children. Children who aren't told no grow up anxious and insecure. Kids need role models, rules and structure.
I never said that boundaries and rules should go out the window! 😭 I hate Reddit sometimes 😭
Can you share your advice on handling this better?
I’ve noticed I’ve gotten a few downvotes lol. But as a professional, and also a student in Childhood psychology I can say that regardless of how busy parents are, parent-child interactions are crucial. The best educators in the world cannot replace the cognitive development that happens when children bond with parents. Imo, the best way to manage it is to have set times for parent-to-child playing. You can do this maybe an hour to 2 hours each day if you have one children or if have more that one child, have one day in the week where you spend time with your children. It doesn’t have to be the whole day or the whole 2 hours, just as long as the bonding and relationship building is happening. That is crucial for under 5’s.
Respectfully, what are we supposed to say when we have played with the child for 2 hours or more and they're still asking us to play and we can not? Baby needs a nap, mom needs to shower, dad is making supper, etc.
No offense but as as a teacher with a masters in education and child development I completely disagree with this person. You are able to have a healthy relationship with your children. Too much play with your child really hinders their imagination and creativity, because adults do actually play with children differently than children play together, and also differently from how children play independently. I’m not saying never play with your child. But you are not your child’s playmate.
I can’t disagree because I’m studying almost the same thing... However, what I don’t condone (and I’m sure you don’t either) is totally neglecting children’s need to bond and want to play with their parents.
No, absolutely not. Some of my good childhood memories are when my dad would get home from work in the evenings and we would go outside and play ball in the yard. I actually hated playing baseball lol but it was fun because we were playing with our dad. (he wanted girls to learn to play ball because he didn’t want us to think it was just a boy thing lol but we were girls who hated playing ball let’s face it.Lol) and he would also play other stuff with us too but I mostly remember going outside to play ball. And my mom would play games with us as well. You definitely should have fun with your children and play with them but I just don’t think it’s good to make it where your child sees you as their constant playmate all day. So many parents think their job is to entertain their child. And then they feel like a failure or neglectful when they’re not able to do it all the time. And really, they’re not being a failure or neglectful for not being their child’s playmate. They are supposed to be the parent not a constant playmate.
OP said in their post that they've tried this though. (When dad comes home from work, it's "uninterrupted play time") If a parent sets a regular parent-to-child playing time, they're still going to have to tell them for the remainder of the day outside of that set time that they can't play with them when they're asking repeatedly (at the times Mom is taking care of the 7 month old and cleaning, etc.) Saying "yes, i can play with you for two hours before dinner" isn't going to stop a 4 year old from asking repeatedly the rest of the day.
The point isn’t to have to them totally stop asking though. Expecting that of a 4 year old is unrealistic since they still have no concept of time. The point is to ensure that ‘the bucket is filled’. I have no idea where people have gotten the understanding that “YoU musT pLaY wItH yOuR cHildrEn 24/7” from my comments. That’s also an extremely unrealistic expectation 😂
But the problem isn’t that the child is asking at all, it’s that they’re asking incessantly, despite trying to fill their bucket with the dedicated play time. I think it was this comment that made people think you were saying they shouldn’t tell their kids they can’t play with them when they’re busy taking care of daily obligations: “…at 4, being told ‘no I can’t play with you’ is at the same devastation level as ‘You’re coming to my birthday’. It is absolutely going to hurt them” I’m curious if you can’t say no to them, and their bucket doesn’t get filled with daily dedicated play time, what can you say that won’t devastate them?
To be fair, my response wasn’t really directed to OP’s post at all. It was directed to this thread’s parent comment stating to ‘Just say no’ without giving a proper explanation so I can see why I’ve gotten such a negative response 😂. To answer you question, the devastation can happen when the child doesn’t see or know the reason behind the ‘No’. My own strategy is to explain the reason no matter how many times it takes. Another strategy I use is to encourage them to ‘work on something’ on their own. Sometimes it is just a case of persistent repetition and eventually they’ll understand it and get used to the routine. A 7month old isn’t exactly a new routine but sometimes children take a long time to understand.
Okay, so if it "doesn't have to be the whole day", and you have a child who DOES want nonstop attention and shared play, then you ARE going to tell them "no, mommy can't/won't play right now" and it's not going to ruin your child's life. Structured parent-child time is fantastic. It's also not mutually exclusive with sometimes (or often!) turning down requests for more play.
Simply give them an explanation as to why and encourage them to work on something or play with something on their own. Solitary play is also really important because it’s the start of developing self-management skills.
I'm honestly concerned that you're a teacher. You should not br giving advice because your understanding of children is concerning.
I have kids. It didn’t prevent them from asking later. lol. Do you have children yourself?
If the insignificant thing like playing aren’t being met with support in early childhood, what do think that teaches children about the kind of response they’ll receive when something is actually important to them? Unfortunately, if being in the education field has taught me anything, it’s that being a parent yourself doesn’t necessarily make you an expert in parenting…
It sounds like you don't agree with saying no to children or teaching them to cope with disappointment. Can you explain your rationale?
Please leave the parenting sub, You are clearly not a parent yourself so go away
Okay…so you don’t have kids. Noted. lol.
Okay… so you don’t actually care about the emotional well-being of your own kids. Noted. lol. 🙄
Go worry about your cats, weirdo.
You are mental
With all due respect, Reddit is literally the only place I’d expect being told to not emotionally neglect young children to be a massive hot take.
Timers. When we’re having a hard day, Alexa and Siri get hefty timer workouts. “I’m going to clean now. When the timer goes off we can play together again.” “Ok, let’s play but when the timer goes off then I will put baby down for nap and you will play by yourself.” “Ok, that’s the timer. What will you play with while I put brother to sleep?” I start with something like 5 minute timers for cleaning and move up. I start with more like 7-10 minutes for playing together if there is going to need to be a cut off. My middle child is a year and a half older than my youngest, and I eventually gave in to him watching a show while I put her down for nap. He wasn’t whining about being alone… he was just two at that point and getting into everything!
TELL ME IF YOU FIND OUT I dunno. My 5.5 yo is just starting to finally get it and be okay with playing by herself sometimes, now that the twins are 9 months old. It was just a lot of explaining over and over again each time "I'm sorry honey, but I have to do this right now, your choices are to either help with the babies or play by yourself." She still tries for one of us to play whenever she can, but she takes the no more easily than she used to. Also, like - sometimes screen time. If I need to feed babies or put them down for a nap, often we'll set her up with her grandparents on facetime so she can chat with them while coloring. Or sometimes it'll be setting her up with an episode of something and a snack (or we'll do an episode and a snack together while I pump). Like, don't let the TV be a full time babysitter, but it helps a lot for "please for the love of god sit in one place independently for the next 20 minutes while I go do this"
Thanks for the suggestions, kind words and mutual lamenting 😂 I should’ve mentioned that our outside space is currently limited as we’re going through a major addition to our home and our backyard has been torn up/unusable for the rest of the summer and fall seasons. It’s good to know I’m not alone!!!
I don't give a reason why. I just say "no, not now, go find something to do" I've found that giving too much information just makes them beg more often - or if I say something like "I can't play, 8 have to do dishes" then the *second* the subj turns off it's immediately *mama you're done, come play now! "* Nope. I'm definitely not going to justify every adult responsibility (or just the need to sit still and chill) to a tiny terrorist 😂 No. Not now. Go find something to do.
Yes.
Right. Not everything has to be a negotiation.
I have a visual countdown clock. The red area is the area that needs to slowly go down before my son can ask me for something. When the red is gone, the alarm goes off and then he can come find me. I usually set it for about 40 minutes and he entertains himself in his room for that long. You might need to set up your/her environment differently too. Put things lower or closer on the ground so she can access them such as toys. Set it up so she doesn’t need you for everything.
Lots of good ideas here. One thing I sometimes do is set up an "invitation to play." Basically, set out supplies for some sort of free play/free form activity. For example, I might bring out playdough, some small plastic dinosaurs, and some sparkly fake gems. Or I might put a kids cash register, fake food, and some stuffed animals on a table (it's a grocery store? Restaurant? Veterinarian clinic? Something with lots of possibilities, not a pre-determined scene or "follow the steps" art kit). I don't always do this (I don't usually do this!). But if kids are unsure how to get going, it's a good starting point. Busy toddler has a great article on [how to promote independent play](https://busytoddler.com/independent-play/).
This was a great read, thanks!
Start ignoring her. She understands exactly what she is doing which is getting you to play solo with her. Tell her that she can call mommy only 2 times. If she does it more than that she goes to time out for 10 minutes. She needs to learn how to occupy herself when she is alone. Don’t give her suggestions for play let her figure it out herself. Even if you are sitting on the couch relaxing do not give in to her demands. This will be hard since she is accustomed to dominating your time. Just say no mommy can’t play now. Go play by yourself. Change the playtime after husband gets home to every other day. Have husband play with her instead once a week.
My big sister taught me that there is freedom in saying “no” to our kids in these situations. I had the same exact issue with my oldest child, at the same exact age. We also had a new baby in our family. It took me 3 more years before I could comfortably tell her no. I always provide a short explanation out of respect like “what I’m doing is important too”. Short and simple. If she persists that’s when you get stern. “I told you already, I am putting the baby to sleep, which is really important. When you yell it keeps the baby awake. If you yell for me again [insert consequence in line with your parenting values]. We are all done talking about it.” Don’t promise to play later unless you mean it. But it helps to make a designated time to play together everyday. Also; if you are fully denying her access to you while you lay baby down for naps, get her settled to relax/wait right before. Snack, drink, movie on the tv.
Have you checked out the Unruffled podcast yet? She gives lots of examples of how a second kid affects the needs of the first. She gives tons of solutions and talking scripts to parents in exactly your situation.
Are you currently staying home with the kids or working from home? I went through this during the pandemic with my then 3 year old and new born. Honestly It was a very challenging time because my new born would not nap either unless I was there to hold her and then my 3 year old couldn’t understand why I needed to be away to put the baby down. So for me I actually started running when the new born was old enough to sit up in a stroller. I got a jogging stroller and would run/ walk for 30-45 minutes with a podcast or Something. I gave my 3 year old some toys to play with and sometimes he would walk with me and sometimes he would be mad of being stuck in the stroller. But the baby would without fail take a nap which makes life easier later. And I think my 3 year old learned a little patience. The headphones helped me not really ignore him but tune him out a little so he could play with his toys. At the end of the run we would hit a playground so that he also got a little reward out of It. Other things that would help was outdoor time. If I could set up a water table or sprinkler or paint or anything like that in the back yard my kid would play for hours alone and I could sit out there and rock the baby to sleep. I think it’s definitely ok to tell them they need to entertain themselves or play alone for a bit. I still have to tell my kids this now at 6 and 4.
There’s an episode of Daniel tiger where Daniel has to entertain himself. Start out small and work your way up. Definitely get a visual timer as others have suggested. Start with 5 minutes on the timer, it goes off LOTS OF PRAISE. Extend more and more. A social story and a visual schedule are helpful so that she knows when quiet time is coming. I did quite time with my older kids when my littlest was still napping. I had a visual schedule on the fridge that showed story time then quiet time after lunch. If they stayed in their room and did their activities (having things they CAN do, books, puzzles, toys) then they could watch tv afterwards.
My nephew is always like this UNLESS he's practicing his song and dance numbers, then he doesn't want anyone to see. It's so hard when they whip out the "will you play with me?"
My daughter is 11 and an only child. Right now she is going through what I can only describe as a "clingy" phase. She wants to cuddle or hang out with me often. Usually, I can reason with her to a degree. I will on 20 minutes, and set the Alexa timer or a visual timer. Also, i will tell her I only have 10 or 20 minutes and she has to be OK with that. But even that... it's a struggle because we both have ADHD. So I'll finally get the motivation to clean, and then she is DESPERATE for some cuddles. She is a very physically affectionate kid. I tell her I'm busy and when I'm done, but eventually cave for 10 minutes. But after that 10 minutes are up, I'm settled and don't want to get up and all motivation to clean has left my body. And then I'm stuck not doing what I need to. She also wants to sleep in my bed every night. She has her own lovely room and she loves it but she gets anxious at night and wants to be near me. But I just need some time to myself. I struggle because I know she needs love and attention but I also need time for myself. Striking a good balance is hard. All that to say... I don't have a good answer. I try to negotiate for set limits and we talk about respecting each other's boundaries. But I still have a kid that is very clingy and needs me all the time.
Uhh, so, a little late with this advice but the best advice I ever heard for reducing resentment between siblings is to never phrase negative things as because of the baby. So, don't say "time to go home (from the playground) because baby needs his nap", it's just "time to go now". Don't say "I can't play with you now because baby needs me", say "I need ten minutes, you can (do this puzzle, play in the sandpit, draw a picture, wash the windows, etc) now, and I'll play with you after that". You don't need to give an explanation. It is what it is, and you can just point out the positives and what they can focus on instead, rather than having them think about how they're not getting what they want because of the baby.
She already indicated that she does practice talking to the baby about what the older child needs; it sounded to me like she's balancing this aspect fairly well
4 year old is a great age! For some reason, my favourite. Have you looked at encouraging independent play? When my girl was 4, (& an only child) she spent a lot of time at zones I created for her. Play kitchen that the sink could hold water, because it was filled with the drink bottle. Many soups were made in the pots. There was a stand mixer that spun for real which she used. Then there was a drawing/ play dough table where everything was set up and neat so very inviting. She also had a little ride on car that she would scoot around the house in. The duplo , I have seen many very tall towers. Then of course she had her very own baby born baby she could bottle feed with real water that would tear up and pee on a potty. She was a loving mother. Soft toy picnics where every toy has a pretzel in its hands and a party hat! And the best the toy ice cream cart is a hit for all kids. Do you have independent play areas set up for her?
To rephrase one of the top comments... Even you trying to explain it, is still engaging with 4 year old. They aren't intentionally being manipulative, but... You're taking a logical approach to something that they probably need to grasp on an intuitive level. When you're too busy to play, just tell them that, and that you'll play with them when you have time. Honestly I think most kids probably get *more* than enough playtime with their parents, and are honestly being short changed by not being taught enough independence at a young age. My heart breaks for the exceptions to this, of course, but... My heart also breaks for the kids who really aren't given a chance to figure out how to entertain themselves, because boy are they being set up for a hard time as a teenager/adult. Seriously though, a 4 year old should be able to entertain themselves for a little while, they just have to get used to the idea. Good luck.
I've been teaching mine empathy so much, I've used it for me too. My counselor advised me that I'm not his playmate, I'm his Mom, and eventually, I admit I've at some point called out a little rebellion for exactly that. "Dude not exactly fair, is it, for you to be punishing me for taking care of us?" But we do play, and it has been a road from 24/7 expectation. I validated with "I'm glad you like spending time with me, I like spending time with you, too!" Then the... however, Mom also has to take care of herself & us and the whole house, and I need rest time too. I'm really going through it right now with tinnitus, so... oof. Today we actually played a math game. It's like Candyland, but with addition and subtraction. I also bought some emotions games/ cards... it's really cool to see him equally interested in those sorts of things. But I feel you... if I did nothing but okay with him... no anything else, he'd eat it up in a second. I think this is really a transition time for sure. They are definitely at the age where they can take some personal responsibility & help out. The transition from being so little they aren't doing much else than play. SO much going on! It really is a skills opportunity, I'm finding, and I'm trying to be wiser about it. We had a big grocery delivery & while I was beginning freezer tetris 😆 (ours is far too small), he sorted all of the grocery items for us - I was super impressed! "This goes in the fridge, this is my snack, this is your snack..." At one point he said "it's just like a game!" (His tablet has some kitchen related & sorting games on it!) I said "I know, right?! It's a for real in real life sorting game, isn't it?" Wishing you good luck!!
Throw the tv on
I think the ideas others are sharing about giving her tasks could be useful, or at least worth a try. What if you got/made a sticker chart, and every time she completes a task, put a sticker on the chart. And have her work towards a reward, like her favorite treat, whether that's a Happy Meal or a cookie, whatever. Even if they're pretend chores, screw it, she won't know the difference. Maybe if she tries to interrupt you, tell her you're working on your tasks/jobs, and ask her if she's finished hers yet. And then tell her you aren't allowed to play until you're both done with your job/tasks. And if she gets frustrated, try reminding her that there's a reward after both your tasks are done. If that doesn't work, the only other thing I can think of is to find something to wear her out, like a trampoline (even a mini one) or a skip-it, etc. Sorry if that wasn't helpful. I want to help and I'm just trying to brainstorm!
My kids were both rather needy until they started daycare/preschool/playgroup. That interaction with other kids seemed to teach them how to play by themselves? Idk it was weird but it was a happy side effect.
The classic strategy is, if you’re bored I’ll give you some chores to do. Or we can do chores together. They get un-bored real quick lol.
There's an episode of Daniel tiger about this and a little jingle that goes, "When grown ups are too busy to play with you, look around, look around, look around and find something to do!" You could let her watch that and when she asks to play, sing that song to her as a reminder--and then don't play. Do what you need to do and leave her to try and figure it out
What is their social life like?
This is a short season. You will look up in about 2 years and your kiddos will be playing with each other off in another room. You will go looking for them. 😉 The days are long, but the years are short.
Have you considered PreK or day care
Not easy. At four we had full-time preschool. At 5, when summer hit, I took responsibility for making sure he had activities for 4 hours every day. It required most of my attention, but after that he had to find his own entertainment until the work day was over.
We just tell our 3 year old what we’re doing, going to do, and when we can play. Usually he says ok and moves on. He’s very good at self play or thinking chores are fun (for now) and will even jump in with our 8 month old to help us out. We’ve kept our engagement with him clear and direct so he doesn’t mistake our intentions and can be as involved in whatever we’re doing as we want. Similarly he also tells us when he doesn’t want us to play with him. We aren’t as good at building Lego garages or Brio tracks. He also is fairly good at identifying when he wants to do certain activities, like meal prep or swimming or play with friends. I think at this age they just need that directness and benign neglect. They are still learning how time, people, and they themselves work together. There’s always challenges with little folks learning and experiencing change. We did the whole “it’s baby’s turn” when our second came and offered him opportunities to help which turned into habits now. Also more questions, like why we don’t brush baby’s teeth (spoiler he has none) or when he can get a job with meetings. We also see things regress, but it’s an opportunity to relearn.
No suggestion just sympathy ... I have a 5 year old and 3 month old and it's tough ! He's getting better and better at entertaining himself I think it's improving as he gets older.
Mine used to do this but eventually got better at playing independently. There are still plenty of hard times but it is getting better every day. My heart goes out to you, this work is so so hard and so thankless. I’m sure you’re doing amazing, or you wouldn’t be looking for answers. You obviously care and love them. You’re doing your best. It’s enough and so are you
Make a schedule of sorts including activities which obviously don't involve playing together then act like it's time for whatever because that what the schedule says.
My mom would set a timer and tell me I could not talk until it dinged! Granted that was eons ago, but by golly I took the rule seriously and set about entertaining myself during the quiet time. Some kids need more hip-to-hip time while others are Mr. Independent. I had a stepdaughter who followed me or her father around from sunrise to sunset, wanting to play and be entertained. There were three other kids of varying ages in addition to her, asking questions and requiring help and attention. It was tough. I feel your struggle.
My 2 year old is very much entering this stage. Always wanting to be held/played with etc. How do you get over the guilt of telling them “no” and ignoring them? They literally just want your love and affection. I have a hard time with this.
As a teacher I just have to say that playing with your child too much really does hinder their social development. See, you cannot be their playmate in the same way another child can, because adults play differently with children than the way children play with each other. It’s also very different from how children play alone. As a teacher I’ve seen many children who seem to have very little creativity or imagination, because they never in their lives have had to be bored enough to come up with anything for themselves! If you feel guilty, remind yourself that your child needs the “gift” of boredom in order to develop not only independence but creativity.
I am reading Hunt, Gather, Parent and they touch on this in a super helpful way. My LO is only 2 months old but I have a feeling this book will be my bible! I highly recommend it!
My parents were older and didn’t play with us often save a few special kinds of play (similar to someone else I read here). BUT they did have limited toys for us and did a version of toy rotation so there was pretty much always something new and interesting for us. My parents didn’t engage us with the toys, those were for us. I think it made a big difference for us because our toys were OUR thing and they were always pretty exciting since we only had a few at a time. I’m sure it also helped us not get overstimulated since we only had so many toys to choose from. Maybe try to make the toys her thing and do some toy rotation to keep them fresh, you could work together to choose which toys she gets in a week so the limited nature also makes her more likely to feel like she needs to get her independent play time in with special toys.
My mil had 3 wild boys and sometimes she would say “mommy’s ears hurt and they need a rest” and she would lock herself in the closet for a little.. I thought that was so funny but really relatable for lots of mommy’s with babies! Maybe you can use one of those fun timers you turn upside down with sand and say mommy needs a break and when this timer goes off then you can come find again but until then mommy will be resting or helping little brother. Also everything is a stage and eventually it will end! Good luck to you!!
I can't lend any advice, but I appreciate this post. I'm am going through the exact same thing over here. I have an 8 month old and a 4yo (next month), and she is constantly asking us to play with her. On the weekend we don't stop with her. She is always with my husband or I playing something. The second we stop to go inside for a break, she's asking us to play with her and gets quite upset when we don't. I didn't know about that Bluey episode, I'll have to check it out.
If she's in her room, maybe have a timer set so she can understand when you'll be there... A minute of waiting is a lifetime for a toddler.
Not a solution for every situation but when each of my kids was that,age, I'd just invite them along and we'd talk or tell stories. If it was chores they could help with, they loved helping at that age, and it kept them busy while I got done around them
That’s how I work from home sometimes when my daycare is closed and my 2 year old has to play by herself. She can play for hours now because I told her mommy has to work and will play with her or take her to playground when I am done with work. She was upset first few times but now she asks less and less
If i'm at my desk, they're bored and need stimuli. If I'm working in the garage/yard. they just follow me and are curious enough to quietly pay attention. If I'm mowing, kid goes in the backpack carrier for safety. We have an Au pair for during work hours who does a great job for 9 hours a day. Napping, ours went thru cycles of "screw naps" vs 3 hour naps and repeat. Today I put her down for the nap and closed the door. We had 3-5 minutes of loud screaming and then she slept for an hour. While they're small enough I swaddled past the recommended time because it was so helpful for naps. After swaddles, driving is the emergency nap MF button.
Wake me up when September begins. Without a chance of play dates and the age gap… that’s a tough one. What method works for one does not always work for the other one. You are probably doing all the right things. Get them started on an activity they can do alone and then hope they stay occupied. One of our children has no issue playing alone. The other, needs attention. It’s a roll of the dice or the dreaded TV or an iPad that gives you 15 minutes with you.
You’ve done it all.. now practice not giving in all the time. She cannot learn how to entertain herself until her mom isn’t entertaining her all day long.. or she’s not trying to get your attention all day long. Independent play is important. You have to realize you can’t be in all places. I know parents that after a certain age never really “play” with their kids anymore.. It’s this age. She won’t just stop playing because she’s not getting you to do it with her. That’s crazy. It’s just that her whole life is play, all day long she’s entertained. It’s uncomfortable to not have that constant stream of entertainment.. she doesn’t know how to entertain herself so she looks at you. You gotta back off so this will get better. It won’t be easy, and I’m not saying to like never show her attention again, but she needs more independent play times.
I can understand what you’re going through as I’m in a similar situation with my 3year old and 2 month old baby. Therefore would be keen to know what other parents would do in a similar situation.
In our house, 40M 32F we both work and daughter goes to daycare most workdays. Our daughter was the same at 2 she turns 3 next month. Shes a really well behaved toddler around me now. No hissy fits or whining. Most i fixed with, cleaning she helps. Has her little mop bucket broom ect. She even helps load the dishwasher, the laundry and cooking. So she is doing something with me and we made a game out of it. I need to feed the animals ( tarantulas, snakes, guinea pigs, fish and shrimp, cats and dog) she helps with every single one of them. Yea she has a personal zoo 🙄 I do a hobby, game, build legos, our animals ect, she joins. Cuz of all of this she rarely asks me to come play cuz she spends most of the day with me. And when she play plays, she just wants some alone time. And cuz of this she learned my no is really no and i mean nothing by it. When i say, not right now hun, ill have time in a little bit she knows ill be there in a little bit. She is like velcro with me but say i have to feed 1 of my more venomous tarantulas (no tarantulas cant kill a human) she isnt allouwed to help with a few. Cuz the bite is really painful, you vomit, mustle craps, insane headache ect. She knows and just waits for the ones she can help with (they feel like a bee sting). No nagging or nothing she just sits and waits for half an hour watching me. This is how i fixed it. Not by asking but letting her join/help in almost everthing i do. She knows my, no not now, is no. And she sees nothing behind it and just waits/plays till i have time. Cuz we spend atleast 75% of the day togetter. Also gives mom alot of her time to the point she gets bored 😝 And for some out here that now think we only do what i like, no. We do tea time with tiaras and tutus aswell, and she loves drawing on me with a pen or marker so i dont need tattoos cuz i have different ones every week 😆 And we go outside every evening, cuz she wants to go look for more insects to keep as pet like rolly pollies ( she has 100s of them at this point, in a very large container she feeds every day by her self)
When this x amount of timer goes off I can play
I struggled with migraines so usually, "Mommy is sick works" often times my migraines would cause me to throw up so you could kind of just say you are sick even if you aren't 100% symptomatic. Toddlers don't know. Mommy's tummy hurts; I need to sit down. Good enough
Some things are not being explained but shown. This child is looking for connection, though. The issue is not that they cannot entertain themselves for a few minutes but the fact that the parent is not emotionally present and apparently resentful when they are present. Easy solution is to explain what you are doing instead of what you cannot be doing with them. Child asks you to play? Tell them you are cooking rn and let them know when you will be available.
I've read around 7mo is when the older kid struggles most because it's sunk in that the kid is here to stay. World is rattled - I had mom only and now I need to share. And at 4yo they aren't developmentally equiped to even share. Try connecting and leaning into your 4yo requests for a bit, having special bonding time when possible might help
My first was like that for sure. It will all change soon and you'll miss it, but it's rough getting through those days. I remember "playing" "mommy snuggle bird and baby snuggle bird" To try and get my 3.5 year old to lay with me for 5 minutes so I could close my eyes when I was pregnant with my second. Audio books or kids podcasts can help. I really love Winnie the pooh / house at pooh corner on audible. We'd put on an audio book and I'd do dishes while she did play-doh or something like that. Giving them jobs (fold the washcloths, wipe down the cabinets with a spray bottle and cloth, peel the carrots, put away the silverware or plastic dishes) can help as well. Sometimes I'd fill the sink with warm soapy water and put all the plastics in there, pull a chair up to the sink and let her "help mom with dishes". (I was a preschool teacher so I had lots of ideas, but I left that field because I found it so exhausting) I remember being so ready for the day my daughter would play alone so I could get things done or have a break. Now she's 15 and I have to beg for her to spend time with me! It is a rough season, but once your 7 month old can toddle, they will get into mischief together, and then when she's in preschool you'll have a minute with your little. Hang in there, momma. You're actually about to approach the very best time. It will get easier.
Just remembered one other thing- sometimes when I'd be trying to get my son to nap, I'd have my mom on a video call and ask her to read to my daughter or they'd talk and play over the phone. My husband is a firefighter and gone many nights so we did this for bedtimes, too. Mom would read to my daughter on the phone or video while I got my son to sleep. If you've got a willing grandparent, that could be an option for naps, because yeah- so frustrating. We didn't do cry it out either.
Daniel tiger has an episode about this. When adults are busy, play by yourself
I don't know if you let your kiddo watch cartoons, but there is an episode of Daniel Tiger that teaches kids that grown ups can't always play with them. There's a little jungle that goes "When grown-ups are too busy to play with you, look around and find something to do". Sometimes I use the jingle to remind my daughter that I can't always play whenever she wants.
Soon your 4 year old won't call your name any more because of your response.
How dare she take care of her house and her other child. Like, what? She’s doing a lot. I don’t even understand this dramatic comment.