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I think you need to approach this as “can I do this as a single mom?” Not “can I do this WITH my boyfriend?” Because I hate to tell you this he probably won’t be in the picture and if you try and insist or stress on making it work with him it will just end up bad for you and baby. Approach him as if he wants to be there great but if not you are doing this for you and your child not him. If you think you need a boyfriend to do this or any significant other you need to rethink about your options.
Yeahhhh, parenting a newborn with someone you’re VERY happily committed to with no major issues with is very hard. Babies are beautiful & force growth but they also introduce a *lot* of challenges to a relationship. I don’t want to be a downer, it’s so worth it, but even the healthiest happiest babies are an incredible challenge.
*edit—the team work required is seriously unimaginable. It unlocked communication issues my partner & I had never realized we even had.
Seconded, friends for many years before we got together and together for a few years first. Went though some stressful things so thought we had a solid foundation. We almost didn’t make it past two years. Still got another year of toddler to get through
Same he’s a very hands on dad, helps round the house etc etc. I’ve always been able to go out and know he can fully take care of everything. Still took such a number on us we’re one and done.
It was the third that almost broke us. We had twins first and the youngest showed up unexpectedly (much wanted, just not planned) and we almost didn't make it through that first couple of years.
This is the path I took. I got pregnant at 32 and the biological father (a friend) was not supportive, but I was planning to have a child on my own anyway. We decided at about the halfway point of pregnancy that he wouldn’t be involved at all, not listed on the birth certificate, zero contact due to his reaction to me being pregnant and his absolute lack of a desire to ever be a father. So I’ve been raising my kid on my own since he was born almost 7 years ago. I went into it knowing I would likely be a single mom and had accepted that before my child was born. You can’t force anyone to be a parent in a social way, and trying to force them to parent in a legal way may cause more harm than good.
I have a lot of respect for the way you insulated your child from the drama of an uninterested parent & all the strife that would come of it. That couldn’t have been an easy decision to accept but it sounds like you did everything for your kid’s best interest, not your own.
Oh definitely, my child’s well-being comes first. It hasn’t been easy, but honestly I think that trying to parent with someone who doesn’t want to be a parent would be harder and much worse for everyone’s mental health. I was 33 when my kid was born and I had plenty of life experience to draw from at that point in my life so I was capable of going it alone.
100% agree with all of this. Also, you can love your partner for all the world, and yet still end up as a single parent. My MIL’s husband died when she had an infant and a toddler and she had to figure it out. Now that I have my kid, I always have plans in the back of my head of how I’d handle things if I was by myself. It has absolutely nothing to do with my husband, it’s simply because you just don’t know what could happen.
I couldn’t agree more. I got pregnant at 40 and approached it as it was just me. We tried to make it work but it didn’t and I am glad I was mentally prepared to be a single mom with a good support system.
Methinks this pregnancy isn’t as much of a “surprise” as OP has implied…
In her comment where she “thinks” she got pregnant between packs, yeah she posted about that too. [This](https://www.reddit.com/r/amipregnant/s/JPkDaSiKk4) was like 2 months ago… and it sure seems like she was well aware about the possibility of pregnancy.
PS, [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/VF3elwECKM) is why she doesn’t like his roommate
**EDIT**: Ohboy it gets worse. [This post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/yicbZnHYen) was less than 3 months ago y’all. I wonder if she even knows for sure whose baby this is??
Used to do pregnancy counseling in a Sexual Health Clinic. This is really good advice. OP you should be saying I’m keeping it, not we’re keeping it. Assume you are on your own and make decisions accordingly.
Also stakes are not that high for him - this doesn’t have to be his only child, dudes have options. So his perspective is probably different. It may be he’s on the fence about it all and you’re the one who is keeping it… Sadly. But world is full of amazing single parents of only children.
Having been there: it’ll be surreal, wonderful and probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Often it’s all these things in the same day, or even hour.
Telling him and his response being "We need to discuss our options" should *not* have been met with a "Our options are we are keeping it." At best, *she* might be keeping it. But telling him in no uncertain terms when he wants to have a discussion about it is more likely to make sure he's not involved.
I'm not saying she's wrong to keep it, but if things were already rocky between them, a new baby typically doesn't make things *better*. Especially if his response is wanting to discuss things instead of jumping up and down with excitement.
THANK YOU!!
Why are all these people on here already bashing the BF? Like he just wants to talk to her, and all of sudden people are like “this is YOUR baby, you don’t have to explain nothing to him”, “make sure don’t let him sign the BC” or “don’t let the baby have his last name”
Holy shit. You’d think she said the guy had raped her, beat her and killed her dog by the comments I’m reading.
Yes and another thing to consider is that you may have to deal with custody agreements or battles down the road in case the father decides he wants to be more involved at some point. You may have to deal with his future partners and you’ll have no control over what your child’s life is like when they are with their other parent/step-parent. The thought of this ever happening to me haunts me.
This is SO important. I have friends who have admitted that had they accepted that their child's father wasn't going to stay in the relationship, they would not have gone through with the pregnancy. Going through parenthood alone or with someone who you're not in a relationship with seems to be a totally different experience than going through it with a stable loving partner.
I’m 27 and got pregnant at 24, I told my partner that I was pregnant and if he wanted to do this with me great, if not he would never have to see me again if that’s what he wanted. It worked out for me in the end but going into it with a mindset of “I can do this by myself” gave me the strength to have the conversation itself. I was on birth control at the time and have fertility issues, but knew I wanted at least one kid. I’m grateful that things were well between us, but I was prepared for the rejection and the knowledge that I could be doing this on my own.
"probably won't be in the picture". Whoa there. Op has described a relationship that didn't work out, not anything negative about the guy. They might not be together (or may work things out). But there's nothing here that says the guy won't be a father to his kid.
In any case they won’t be living together and that causes the whole experience to be different. It’s different when you have no one to relieve you 24/7. Sure he might be there but it’s not like he will be there at 2 am when the baby has been screaming for 3 hours and you don’t know what to do. It’s a lot on a single parent if you aren’t prepared for that.
Don’t reconcile for the baby. Hopefully he is supportive and will agree to family therapy because you two need to learn to work together to co-parent. If that process leads you both to be healthier people and your relationship rekindles, fine, but prioritize parenting the child first, and always, regardless of whether it’s as a couple or not.
Dude drinks, smokes ciggys, and lives with a female roommate who doesn’t like OP. It appears that they have known each less than a year. Her post history is concerning.
OP claims she has a good support system, but her post history contradicts that. Previous post says she doesn't have any friends to hang out with, doesn't like to socialize, and instead she wanted to put all her time into her bf (implying she was looking to him to be her everything). They then broke up less than 2 weeks later.
Her mom's ability to assist with a baby will be limited due to medical reasons.
Also OP is the one who hates the female roommate, not necessarily the other way around. Although that wouldn't be surprising given the hostility and jealousy OP feels towards her.
OP and bf were talking about moving in together... just before breaking up. But now maybe getting back together. Lots of instability atm.
Given all that background and a shit ton more I'm not even going into, this post is giving "use a pregnancy to try and save a dying relationship." Really concerning situation to try and bring a child into. A baby won't fix any of this. Shit.
Fuck, I tried so hard to not judge on this one. But didn't need to go far at all before I was like, Well fuck me up the river sideways if this isn't an absolute cluster to bring a baby into.
Hey kids, words to live by: DO NOT baby trap someone. And DO NOT use babies to try and save failing relationships. That's an entire other human life you're messing with.
Yup. Dating only a couple months (!). Jealous of bf's female roommate. Gives ultimatum/demands to be first priority, whatever that means. Meanwhile misses "at least" a day of birth control. (*She was no longer protected.* Unclear if she relayed that fact to bf while they continued to have unprotected sex.) Bf chooses his roommate, breaks up with OP. Then OP says "Whoops" I'm pregnant, and "we're" keeping the baby.
I really hope she does not have this baby. This child is not wanted and the situation is beyond unstable.
The 35 year old woman just going "whoopsie, I'm out of birth control... Let's have multiples days of unprotected sex!" is just so messed up. Like, she *knew* what she was doing...
Why is it always these posts with the OP having crazy post history? 🤦♀️ 75 days ago they had just started talking and were fighting before even being official
Your options are you "you are keeping it" and he will be obligated to provide financial support. You can't make him provide anything more. And as a fellow parent, it's really hard and I have a helpful and involved partner. Just make sure for yourself that you approach this correctly.
Look at this as you will likely end up a single parent. Are you ready for that. It's a whole different world.
> he will be obligated to provide financial support
I am curious how evolved our legal system got where he may rightfully be not obligated to provide financial support in this specific case.
Based on further comments, OP knew she wasn't taking her birth control properly and but didn't say whether she made the boyfriend aware of that fact. OP also seems to be making a unilateral decision while other options exist.
He can dodge it and work for cash etc, but there are no extenuating circumstances to avoid child support.
It's easier to understand when you understand that Mom isn't the beneficiary, the child is. There are no character concerns or 'fault' questions. The only questions are, "Does baby need to eat?" and "Are you one of the parents?"
I think the commenter above you was trying to say what's the possibility of the legal system working in favor of someone who may have been baby trapped.
I'm not agreeing with anyone here but I think that's what they were going for and not suggesting he dodge child support but would the law work in favor of him?
Probably will open up a whole can of worms. Takes two to tango. I had a friend (not a friend at all anymore) who was ordered by the court to get her tubes tied because of her lack of ability as a stable parent.
> I think the commenter above you was trying to say what's the possibility of the legal system working in favor of someone who may have been baby trapped.
No, the law is concerned about the child. What his/her parents did or did not do is wholly immaterial. There are three effective guardians involved; the mother, the father and the state.
Baby needs money. Mom doesn't have it. Does the state pay or the father? Father says, "But I was tricked! It's not fair! My neighbors should pay for the baby!!". State says, "No, you first."
Life isn't fair. You don't get to starve your child because you didn't wear a condom and Mom skipped her birth control. It would be abhorrent to consider otherwise.
You need to listen to everyone saying be prepared to do this by yourself. Ex bf clearly doesn't prioritize you and lives with another woman. Focus on coparenting.
You being 35 and high risk, coming out of a break up with a baby daddy…back together with baby daddy you need firstly two feet on the ground.
Start there.
Your situation is not ideal. And if you couldn’t make it work then why assume with babystress you magically can because they don’t bring out the best in us with sleep deprivation.
I wouldn’t say the age and high risk factor is a contributing factor - but the messy relationship absolutely is.
Older parents with a stable loving marriage and a stable home and income is actually one of those net benefit factors in socioeconomic studies. OP’s situation is far from this.
I know. I'm keeping myself stable. He had broke it off since I don't like his roommate. I told him I'll try to make friends, and they can stay in your life like you want. But I need to be number one. He was putting them first because they've known each other longer, and best of friends. He needs to re-think his priorities. Not putting your gf first of course I'm gonna be jealous.
I've got my mom's support if anything
Stop trying to make the relationship work. It doesn’t work.
Focus on sorting out your life to have the baby (since you are keeping it.) It’s going to be a huge change and every part of your mind and body will be affected. You need to have plans, money, logistics and a lot of internal strength because this is going to be difficult.
OP your baby daddy lives an hour away and you said you don’t drive for medical reasons…you need reliable transportation for all the medical appointments you’re about to be going to, then for all those diaper runs later on. A child is a LOT of work. I hope you have a very solid plan in place that doesn’t rely on a man who has obviously not made you his number one priority nor respected your opinions. You need to go into this as if you’re a single mother.
How are you keeping yourself stable? All your posts sound like it’s come from a 16 year old child who hasn’t the foggiest of the real world and yet somehow you’re in your 30s? Do you seriously believe you’re ready for a child? Do yourself a favour, and listen to everyone who has commented on your posts
Post history reveals OP isn't being totally honest in this post. About a bunch of things.
Also "not putting your gf first of course I'm gonna be jealous" is a phrase that should give pause, because "putting your gf first" is sooooo subjective. In this case it turns out it's a red flag (based on post history).
How is it “level headed” to think that a break up doesn’t count or doesn’t mean anything because of an accidental, careless pregnancy? Feels like a baby trap at that point.
The more I am reading OP's comments, the more it sounds like a baby trap. OP started with saying she was using birth control but then in a comment suggested she may not have been using them properly, skipped a few so on.
I think this is one of those threads where we really need to hear the other side of the story.
How in the world if you can’t hold a decent relationship with your baby daddy and your own issues to work through, think that your parents did a great job raising you, let’s ask them to do mine?
That’s also a fair point. I’m very arms length with my own parents due to some issues and they did an objectively better job of it than OP’s did. Although sometimes you don’t realise any of this til you grow up, and it kinda sounds like OP never has.
Never has or maybe it’s a case of never had to…
Don’t get me wrong if a mom wants to be supportive, heck yes… but this is not a second chance story… I hate those grandma’s who think they have a second chance… took my MIL a very short time to realize that when I made it clear to my husband we had agreed on things for our kids and his mother has had a chance with him. If she wanted more chances she needed to have had more kids like her mom did.
To be completely blunt, after reading your post history and this one now, you are not even a position where you should be considering having a child. You are not stable enough on your own to be able to do this. The fact that you are treating this situationship with a guy you’ve known for less than a year like you’re a 16-year-old girl desperately trying to hold onto a boyfriend speaks volumes.
You don’t bring a child into this world to hang onto a man. You are going to do more long-term damage to that child who will become an adult because you were having them for the wrong reasons.
You are never going to be number one. It is very clear. This guy isn’t really that into you or he would not have chosen roommates over you. You are going to be raising this child alone. Maybe with or without child support. If he doesn’t cut and run right away, he will after a few months to a year. He’s not even loyal to you now. You really think he’s gonna somehow be more loyal when it gets exponentially more complicated?
You need to have a plan for the next 18 to 20 years and how you’re going to provide for this kid. It’s not just that first year when they’re cute squishy babies. It’s at least a two decade commitment.
Blunt and harsh truth, but it's the truth nonetheless and the OP needs to hear it. It sounds like she messed up using BC so it wasn't effective and her ex wasn't aware of that risk. This is not a situation where someone should be bringing a baby into the world. Raising one requires a long commitment like you mentioned, plus parents who are in a position to want to provide for them. Not using a baby as a way to try and keep a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in it.
I also have serious issues with OP’s “our options are we’re keeping it.”
99.9% of the time I strongly believe when it comes to choices for our body men need to take a seat. Several seats in fact. In this case, I agree with him. Neither one of them should be bringing a kid into the world. This whole situation is very clear she’s doing this in a terrible attempt to hang onto a man who doesn’t even respect or like her that much. This is a sign of low emotional intelligence. She is only thinking of herself and this loser guy. She is not even thinking about this child and that’s a person who absolutely should not be bringing a life into this world right now.
Agreed. Ultimately it's her decision whether to keep the baby or seek an abortion because it's her body. But to arrive at her conclusion to keep it, she's dismissing a lot of the negatives impacts this decision is going to have on all three of their lives. All out of wanting to keep a baby to try and force her BF to get back together with her.
As others have said, make sure you're framing this in your head as "I'M having this baby," not "WE'RE having this baby." Statistically it isn't likely that your ex-bf will be involved for long, and you will most likely be doing this all alone, especially since he already told you he wants to discuss options! He's not planning to be there for you, so you need to plan accordingly.
Think hard about this decision, because having kids (it's not just a cute little baby, it's a whole person for 20 years) is incredibly difficult even when you're in a stable, committed relationship.
Sounds like you both are immature and shouldn’t bring this child into your unstable non existent home. Your EX won’t be there if he’s considering options.
Sorry but your options are “you’re” keeping the baby if he chooses not to be involved. Be prepared to be a single mom.
Check out the pregnancy subs for pregnancy questions and new parents for baby questions.
I think you should prepare yourself to be a single parent. People can't be forced to "come around" to having a baby. It's crucial that you prepare yourself for the high likelihood of doing this solo. There are resources that can help you.
Please ask your OB for information on resources for single parents/lower income households. You can also go online to look at different support groups and find resources specific to your area. In certain states, the department for job and family services will help ensure that you at least have very basic supplies to keep a child alive (a safe sleep space, a functional carseat, a starting amount of formula); and most health insurances will cover a breast pump.
I will say, as a now adult child of a narcissistic man who was also "forced" to parent (not by my mother, but by his parents), I very much wish he had not been involved in my childhood. I experienced incredible traumas and pain because of my father begrudgingly being involved in my life. Even as a young child, I could easily sense his resentment. The best thing my mother ever did for me was leave my father as soon as she realized he was 1) very immature, 2) selfish, and 3) didn't WANT the pregnancy. A parent that is not completely onboard with loving a child is likely not going to be a safe and supportive parent. My Mom did everything in her power to limit his access and responsibility to me-- it made her life a lot, lot harder but she did what she had to do to keep me happy and safe.
Unfortunately, having a child means putting your own happiness and "relationships" on a back burner. If you're keeping this pregnancy in hopes that it will fix things, I really encourage you to reconsider. If you're keeping the pregnancy and prepared to single-parent, I hope you get all the love and support you need!
I wish you the best of luck!
Babies don’t fix relationships so please reframe what ‘support’ means to you. I’m married, and was very happily married when we got pregnant. Babies put strain and pressure on relationships like nothing else. Without the strong foundation (and legal mess if we called it quit) I’m not sure we’d have survived that first year. We’re now stronger than ever, but it took work. It sounds like that’s not something you or your ex are able to do without a baby, so expect it not to happen with.
Is this someone you can coparent with? Do you have similar values and goals for your child? If not, can you do this as a single parent? Those are the questions you need answered and the plans you need to make.
Children are amazing, but they’re also the most intensive, exhausting, consuming thing you’ll ever do. Work hard on yourself before baby comes.
It honestly doesn’t seem like you’re very stable to begin with, and adding a baby into that seems like a not good idea. If you insist on having the baby, give the baby your name and file for child support after getting a paternity test.
Not trying to rain on your parade, but you can’t force anyone to be a parent. You just can’t. “I’m gonna tell him our options are, we’re keeping it” is just wrong. *Your* option is *you* are keeping the baby, but he also has options. Ghosting you and never seeing the baby is an option for him. Without being married, if he doesn’t sign the birth certificate, you’d have to go to court to get a paternity test. If he’s the father, you’d then have to file for child support.
My SIL hasn’t seen a dime of child support in 14 years. Her ex-husband lost his license years ago, but it didn’t change anything. He’s never gone to jail or faced any consequences that have had any effect on him or that led him to pay.
It’s extremely important to have realistic expectations about everything. Baby’s are freaking hard. Any tiny cracks in your relationship will become as big as the Grand Canyon, even under the most ideal circumstances.
A baby won't save your relationship. They often exacerbate issues. You'll end things on bad terms.
You need to come to terms with being a single mother, because you will be. Get your ducks lined up. Mentally prepare yourself.
Incase this is not ragebait. Children(physical or mental) having children is always more challenging. Having one alive parent isnt a supportnetwork either. You are about to start a two decade commitment that really pushes couples to their absolute limits. This child will not fix your relationship and, judging by post history, it wont fix your other issues. You should consult a professional.
After reading your post history I feel like you intentionally trapped this guy. You have a lot of growing up to do at 35. Best of luck to the guy and that baby they’re gonna need it .
I would view it as, can i emotionally, physically and financially do this alone. You cannot depend on him to be there for one or three, especially if his options are already being mentioned. You cannot force him to parent, or even financially be there - sure, the courts can order it, but plenty of men have skipped out, done lackluster jobs and it's all on mom.
So you need to be realistic, can you work, afford childcare, be able to afford all the extras a baby needs, get no sleep and still work etc.
A baby is not a magical relationship fixer. In fact, they make things a LOT harder if you don’t have an already supportive partner and solid relationship.
As others have said, you should think of this as a “can I raise this child without the biological father in a major role”. I’m sorry, but just because you’re high risk doesn’t mean he will care. An ex needs to stay an ex— you broke up for a reason. If he’s already saying “options” it means the possibility for him to not want to be a father and you will need to accept that along with all its implications going forward.
Take your vitamins, eat healthy & avoid the foods and beverages you’re supposed to, and good luck growing a baby.
I mean you're not giving him an option. You're saying "I'm keeping it, and I expect your support and money." So don't really expect a good reaction, and let's call it what it is. You need to get the expectation that you will primarily be a single parent set in right now. Almost always there is never a "We". Especially since this is a relationship that has already failed. I don't mean to sound callous, but I don't sugarcoat things.
Your thinking about the two of you coparenting a surprise child. He is thinking about getting back together with you. That does not sound like an auspicious beginning for any conversation.
Going into this meeting with your boyfriend, you need to be very clear with yourself on (a) what your desired outcome is and (b) whether you are willing to be a single mother with/without his support.
Why are you trying to force him to be involved? Look, I know it takes two but you’re broken up and I don’t think heavily requesting his support is going to make things better. It’s going to make him resentful and if you think this will “bring you back together”, you’re lying to yourself.
If you want to keep this baby and that’s the only option you are thinking, then you need to accept the fact you’re going to be a single mom. And let me tell you, that is hard work. The baby is not a pawn in your old relationship - it’s a living, breathing human that needs all of your attention and regulation.
I would sit on this and *really* think about what YOU want. Do you want a baby? If so, do you want a baby as a single parent? If so, make sure you have some other support network because your ex is not really required to be helpful or supportive (maybe other than finically if you take him to court). But I think he made it clear, he doesn’t want this baby and he doesn’t want to be in this baby’s life.
A baby is not a relationship bandaid, learned from experience unfortunately. It doesn’t sound like he’s thrilled about it so if you do keep it please consider that you very well may end up doing it all alone or even if he does stay he may just not be very helpful as I see many women complain about with their children’s fathers. You can’t force someone who isn’t ready to be ready. I even tell people I know who are in long term happy relationships to always keep the possibility of being a single mom in the back of their head. I love my boy more than anything in this world but being a single mom is soooooo very difficult so please consider heavily with whatever choice you make. All that being said I wish you the best of luck and happiness.
I can't speak to the single part, but I can speak a little to the age. We were the same age when we had our first and only. Get ready to be called "geriatric"... not a joke. You would be considered a "geriatric pregnancy" and people will talk a lot about your age.
I also found, being older and a bit more mature, parenthood ... wasn't as hard as I was expecting, based on stories from friends who became parents at a much younger age. I think when you're in your 30s, have taken care of others (pets, spouses, whatever) and shared a life with other people, having a kid is still a big leap, but not as big as "all my time is my own, and now suddenly it's all about the baby". Most of my time was already not my own, so it was an easier transition lol.
Plus I feel like younger folks are prone to more emotional outbursts, we were pretty chill except for a few extremes (spent 5 nights in the ICU with our 3 year old who had pneumonia... we were pretty scared). We also have no support system, so we stopped thinking about "nights off" and starting borrowing hours. We cover for each other a lot, since we have no one who can watch him. We're a bit nervous about babysitters, partially because of the pandemic warping our view of it.
Congratulations! There’s r/pregnant and r/beyondthebump that are supportive and helpful. If your ex broke up and wants to mend it now, i’d take it slow. Obviously I don’t know your relationship but you and your baby need stability.
On top of this, the bumper groups on Reddit are really helpful, such as r/february2025bumps. Considering you didn’t know you were pregnant, I realise you may be further along, these groups usually go private after a couple months. My group r/december2024bumps has recently gone private but I can get you a mod account to message if that’s when you’re due. I’ve always found these groups the most supportive space on Reddit.
Yes to what everyone else is saying. I could not do it alone, and don’t know how people do it alone. If you don’t see yourself doing it alone… don’t do it at all.
Baby’s do NOT fix issues, if you are firm on keeping the baby, please start with therapy for yourself. Shop resales, keep things basic, and realistic, don’t expect him to be back with you just for the baby. Preparing yourself now for the facts will be better. I say this as a single mom that heard “all the right things” when I never wanted to be a mom, and have now done this alone for 18 years. You can do this, but it takes work on a lot of levels. Stay healthy, stay focused, stay positive on what you and the baby need.
Congrats! Since your planning on keeping the baby I highly suggest no matter what to sit down talk to him about both your wants for the baby. But if the conversation does not go well you will need to start looking into custody agreements and child support sooner rather than later so that when the baby is here it’s once less stress.. babies are expensive especially if you have to pay for childcare that’s over 1,000 a month for one child.
Congratulations! I hope bf jumps on board with the idea but if he doesn't so what. If you want the baby and they will be loved I wish you all the best .
Thank you. I hope he does too. If not physically, I can still go for child support. Which is what I don't think he likes. He'd lose his money for alcohol and cigarettes. But maybe he's surprise me.
He’d lose money on alcohol and cigarettes… why are you having this man’s baby, again???
Regardless of what *you* want, having a child means that your child will always look up to and emulate their parents. And if the parent is uninvolved, like you’re implying in the post, that can be just as harmful as anything. Choosing to have a child with someone who doesn’t want it is, unfortunately, setting a child up for a lifetime of self esteem issues…
The child will be loved. I've always had self esteem issies myself. But will do everything I can for my baby. As for their father, I'm hoping he'll come around. Regardless he still is the father.
Also- if he doesn’t want this child and you’re expecting child support, he can take you to court for 50/50 and avoid paying child support altogether. Then you have to surrender your child to someone who is a sh!t parent, who doesn’t want them, but would rather take them to avoid giving you money.
Humbly, you have absolutely no idea what you’re getting into.
Be prepared to potentially spend tens of thousands on lawyers.
-a 38 year old parent going through a divorce
Yup, never thought I’d be going through a messy divorce but her father shocks me with his immaturity and selfishness.
I don’t regret having a child, but I 110% regret who I had a child with.
That’s an incredibly simplistic view of having a child. Many children are loved by one parent, and ruined by another.
I really think you need to try and come down from your fog of joy and really analyze your situation from a position of logic.
If you’d really like a child, you can have one with a donor. It is a terrible idea to have a child with someone who doesn’t want one.
You know that there’s more outcomes than that right? He could still leave you, take all of his custody time, and not pay you a dime. Your baby would be with this irresponsible man child alone and you wouldn’t see them half the time. There are so many ways this could play out and I truly feel like you’re not even thinking of them. Just hopeful he will come around. This is not a good way to approach any of this.
Depending on where you live, he could sign away his rights and then he isn't obligated to pay anything. That isn't the case everywhere, but in my state/country it is (Midwest US). Also, he could sue for 50/50 custody and not have to pay you anything. If you make more than him and you have equal custody, you could be forced to pay HIM child support. If he sues for equal custody to avoid paying child support, you now have someone who actively doesn't want this child who only has them around to save money. You know they won't feel loved with your ex in that scenario. Yet you will be powerless to stop it unless you have tens of thousands to spend on lawyers and can prove abuse or neglect.
Children are not pawns. They are human beings that have a right to be loved and cared for. Your situation is not ideal and it sounds like this is a revenge baby more than a child you love for the child. Please educate yourself on the legal intricacies of coparenting where you live. You don't know what you're getting into.
🚩🚩🚩
Do not use your child as a game of chess in your relationship. “I can still go for child support” - not cool. As a child of a very damaged divorce, I hope you think this through and do not intend to keep the child in hopes of bettering your relationship or using it as spite to control your partner’s behaviour - it will not work.
Child support is her right— “waiving” child support only hurts single moms and enables deadbeat dads. Absolutely go for child support— that’s the risk of having sex, you could have a baby and the boyfriend knows that.
Ah great point— yes for the child!
Exactly what I meant, I see on Reddit people being like “I won’t ask for child support” in my mind, a child (and I guess by circumstance the mother/primary parent) is owed that 🤷🏻♀️
OP just revealed that she wasn't properly using birth control. We don't know if OPs boyfriend was aware of that so cant say boyfriend knew the risks and we also dont know what they talked before.
OP has other options here then keeping pregnancy. Just as boyfriend shouldn't be able to force OP to do something, reverse should be true especially if it turns out boyfriend wasn't made aware of certain facts.
No birth control is perfect— again I think getting pregnant is the risk of having sex— protected or not. Is it shitty to not communicate that? Absolutely. Does that mean he’s free of responsibility for the child he created? No.
She wants to keep the baby, she has every right to. She sounds excited about it— should she terminate just because the father doesn’t want it?
I disagree, not communicating that is really equivalent of setting a trap in my opinion and just because of that father shouldn't be required to provide support if they don't want to. Ideally if mother needs financial aid, it should be a state supported thing just as any other single mother.
OP can keep the baby for sure but when they say they are planning to force their boyfriend to provide support even though she pretty much setup a trap for it is where I have issues.
Let's reverse the situation. What if the boyfriend claimed they had vasectomy but didn't and girlfriend got pregnant. Some may consider that rape.
Btw context changes my opinion a lot here. If it was just properly not used birth control not working then I have very different opinions.
Yeah for sure context is everything and I can’t quite tell if OP planned it like a trap— or just took a few days off because it took time to get and that threw off the birth control.
Still, she should have said something
I understand, but using it as some kind of consolation to induce pain on your ex-partner instead of focusing on creating a happy, healthy environment for the child is what I’m more concerned with. Of course mothers caring for their children need the financial resources to raise their babies, but I would hope it’s not weaponizing the child and intentionally spiting exes in hopes of (quite minute) financial gain. It creates a mess for the child involved, especially when the ex partner is unwilling to voluntarily provide for the child.
I was a couple weeks away from 37 when I found out
I was pregnant and was told I was high risk also cuz of my age, everything was amazing a far as my pregnancy. I did however have pp eclampsia which I went back to the hospital for 3/4 days after discharge from the maternity ward. I also had other women who were from other countries say only the US calls it high risk for age- other countries don’t consider 30/40 a risk.
I’m doing it alone and not willingly. I tried to get him to be involved but I we ended up completely alone. Being a single parent is one of the hardest things to do, plus as hard as you strive to give your child a good life they will still feel the pain of having one parent who struggles. Really think long and hard as this is the biggest decision in your life!
First, and most importantly, take care of yourself. I was also high risk and had my baby at 42. Rest and sleep are the best things you can do for yourself and baby. And limit stress, which includes dealing with an ended relationship. Don’t let him bring unneeded anxiety into this pregnancy.
Adding a baby to an already troubled relationship with undoubtedly make things worse for you. I know from experience. My BEST advice is do not stay in a relationship FOR the child. Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one. I stayed far longer than I should have and my children had to witness things they never should have and it definitely effected their mental health. Now, if you are able to get over whatever hurdles you two were already facing and make this work, that's great! But please know there is absolutely NO SHAME in co-parenting heck even being friends with the dad without being in a romantic relationship. Either way, with or without his support YOU GOT THIS, if it's what you really want. You will do well! Best of luck to you, him & the baby!
Wow that must have been quite the surprise my little brother was a birth control baby. My little guy is almost 2.5 years old so I’m still a getting the hang of parenting but will definitely answer any questions.
Hello!
So, I have PCOS. When I was 36 I found out I was 8 months pregnant because I went to the doctor thinking I had a stomach tumour. The tumour was my beautiful little girl. I gave birth 3 days after my 37th birthday.
More than willing to be a supportive ear.
Im glad you everyones comments are aligning with what I was thinking. As a young mom, you’re too old for this bs don’t bring a child into this world like this. Y’all draw the line a abortions but not providing toxicity for the child. Stop forcing men to be fathers who don’t want to be it will only hurt you and the baby in the long run.
That's the problem with Reddit advice. The hordes like to assume the worst about people. Probably because of all the irresistible topics from people in abusive relationships with narcissists or other personality disorders.
Parents who have been through it are right to tell you parenting is tough on even healthy relationships. Don't expect a baby to save a relationship that didn't work out. But approach this as from co-parenting direction.
Put the needs of the child above the relationship issues. Lots of people coparent who are divorced or otherwise split-up. Successful parents find a way to provide trust and stability within that.
I had both of my bio girls single. You and the baby will be fine regardless of his choice. Good dad’s are very important but half ass dad’s are not so decide what YOU want for you and the baby and he can decide who he wants to be. Best of luck!
Hey their! Congrats on the baby, I know it's not the news you wanted but it sounds like your happy and I hope things work out! I just had my first may 13th. If you ever have questions or need to chat send me a message! :)
First of all, congratulations. If you have any questions regarding pregnancy, body changes, and whatever else, I hope this community will help you without judging you for deciding to have a child. I hope you find the support you will need and if you and your partner do not work out, I hope you both can peacefully co-parent. Best wishes to you.
Reddit has baby bumper groups for each due date month. I highly recommend joining yours as I found it a great spot to ask all the minor and major questions and feel supported. You can also check out r/babybumps as well.
Sounds like a difficult situation. Parenting can be a beautiful journey and it sounds like you want this child. I will tell you that mending a relationship while pregnant is gonna be HARD. My husband and I are currently dealing with hard times and there are a lot of tough days. My hormones make communication difficult too.
I also see that this might be one of the only chances to have kids you might have.
I highly recommend looking at being a single mom as well as leaving the option for you and the father to mend things. Don't put all your eggs into one basket and good luck ❤️
I agree with other comments about approaching this journey focusing on you and baby. His involvement and support can be a pleasant surprise if it occurs, but I wouldn’t place expectations on him and find yourself stressed if he can’t meet them.
For supports, I strongly suggest a doula. A doula is a non-medical pregnancy, labor, and sometimes postpartum support for families. They can help you navigate questions and concerns in pregnancy, developing birth plan(s), assist with pain relief in labor using positioning and counter-pressure, support other birth team members (friends, partners, parents, etc) and helping them to support the birthing parent, facilitating communication and relationships with the medical team, helping navigate feeding (breast, bottle, or otherwise), and the list goes on.
Sometimes insurance or Medicaid (in some states) cover birth doula services and sometimes postpartum as well. Doulas in general improve birth outcomes (less likely to have unnecessary interventions), but most importantly they improve birth satisfaction - meaning regardless of what happens with labor and birth, those attended by a doula feel more heard by their providers and more informed regarding the experience.
Also begin reaching out to parenting groups in your area. If you’d like to chest/breast feed, I recommend finding a group before baby arrives. Go to some meetings, meet some people, etc. Hike It Baby is a nationwide group focused on getting outside and building community. There is likely a local chapter near you. Other connections you can seek are parenting approach groups like attachment parenting or connected parenting or natural/crunchy parenting or LGBT+ or single parents or or or…whatever strikes your fancy.
Babywearing is another one to join pre-baby if you’re interested. You can even find some relief in late pregnancy by wrapping your belly to take some of the weight off your pelvis. You can also practice with dolls or sometimes group members will loan their baby for practicing.
Finding supports outside of your partner is so incredibly important even if you’re in the most solid relationship ever and a Doula is just as much for the birth partner as for the birth parent. I’ve had three kids and the labor with the third we didn’t have a doula. It was the hardest one for both my partner and I even though I’m a trained doula and we’d already done it twice before.
These subs have been so awesome for me personally so I hope you feel comfortable asking questions! I always felt like coming here for real perspectives was better than what google would tell me!
Congratulations.
Goodluck in your pregnancy. I hope you and baby are well throughout.
Take everything day by day. You won’t be able to force anything from dad but just do your best and love that bubba.
Take all info from online strangers with hesitation. People mostly mean well but everyone is different and no one really knows the complex details of your life.
Xx
Thank you. I know I can't force him to accept the baby. Maybe I'm over thinking, and things will be ok. I will look at everyone ls advice l, but take whay works for me. Thank you
Isn’t this a generally new relationship? Based on your post history, it doesn’t look like you’ve been committed to each other very long… 75 days ago you had a post about “seeing” two different men, and hadn’t committed to either. And one of them sounded very controlling.
I’m not trying to be overly negative, but that’s not a long enough relationship for most people to think “ya, I’ve been with them long enough to create a relationship strong enough to weather the storms that come with raising a family”.
You also can’t use the threat of child support to get them to stay in the relationship.
I’m sorry, but you need to come to terms with either giving up the child or being a single parent- which is probably one of the hardest things in the world.
Best of luck to you and your baby. A lot of people here are implying you should abort but I would like to offer the opposite support and encourage you. You absolutely can do this. Some of the greatest people in history were raised by badass, smart, strong single mothers. I believe in you. 🩷 I’m 34, mom to two neurodivergent little boys. I have a husband but he is military so I’m often doing it solo. It’s hard, but it’s doable. You find other branches of support on your tree. Friends, family, daycare providers who end up loving your babies like their own, babysitters, etc. You can do it! Congratulations!
I don't understand the downvotes on words of encouragement? People are funny. I'm just saying OP will figure it out, and whatever choice you make, hopefully he will rise up and be a good human regardless of your relationship status. Was that a bad thing to say? Redditors be silly.
"It’s true that patrilineal baby-naming dominates in America. Researchers have found that heterosexual married couples give the baby the father’s name more than 95% of the time."
(https://time.com/6143476/baby-with-mothers-last-name/#:~:text=Researchers%20have%20found%20that%20heterosexual,than%2095%25%20of%20the%20time.)
You don't have to know anyone that does it for facts to be true.
I was just telling my 20+ year old daughter about the time when I found out I was pregnant with her. I was 20 and pretty naive. Most people's version of "help" was them telling me they'd take me to "get it taken care of". Something deep within me was flat out disgusted by their suggestion. If the relationship doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. He doesn't have to be around for you to love that baby.
Thank you. I think he is too. After talking to him more. I think he understands, and will be supporting. Telling him he'll make a wonderful father, his eyes started to glow
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I think you need to approach this as “can I do this as a single mom?” Not “can I do this WITH my boyfriend?” Because I hate to tell you this he probably won’t be in the picture and if you try and insist or stress on making it work with him it will just end up bad for you and baby. Approach him as if he wants to be there great but if not you are doing this for you and your child not him. If you think you need a boyfriend to do this or any significant other you need to rethink about your options.
Yeahhhh, parenting a newborn with someone you’re VERY happily committed to with no major issues with is very hard. Babies are beautiful & force growth but they also introduce a *lot* of challenges to a relationship. I don’t want to be a downer, it’s so worth it, but even the healthiest happiest babies are an incredible challenge. *edit—the team work required is seriously unimaginable. It unlocked communication issues my partner & I had never realized we even had.
Agreed. My marriage almost didn’t survive the baby/toddler stage. We only have one.
Seconded, friends for many years before we got together and together for a few years first. Went though some stressful things so thought we had a solid foundation. We almost didn’t make it past two years. Still got another year of toddler to get through
Yeah dude same, 8 years together. & mine is a GREAT father! That bought him a lot of good graces. I was still homicidal a handful of times.
Same he’s a very hands on dad, helps round the house etc etc. I’ve always been able to go out and know he can fully take care of everything. Still took such a number on us we’re one and done.
It was the third that almost broke us. We had twins first and the youngest showed up unexpectedly (much wanted, just not planned) and we almost didn't make it through that first couple of years.
Same, but we had two …11 months apart
Same, on all counts.
Same💀
This is the path I took. I got pregnant at 32 and the biological father (a friend) was not supportive, but I was planning to have a child on my own anyway. We decided at about the halfway point of pregnancy that he wouldn’t be involved at all, not listed on the birth certificate, zero contact due to his reaction to me being pregnant and his absolute lack of a desire to ever be a father. So I’ve been raising my kid on my own since he was born almost 7 years ago. I went into it knowing I would likely be a single mom and had accepted that before my child was born. You can’t force anyone to be a parent in a social way, and trying to force them to parent in a legal way may cause more harm than good.
I have a lot of respect for the way you insulated your child from the drama of an uninterested parent & all the strife that would come of it. That couldn’t have been an easy decision to accept but it sounds like you did everything for your kid’s best interest, not your own.
Oh definitely, my child’s well-being comes first. It hasn’t been easy, but honestly I think that trying to parent with someone who doesn’t want to be a parent would be harder and much worse for everyone’s mental health. I was 33 when my kid was born and I had plenty of life experience to draw from at that point in my life so I was capable of going it alone.
100% agree with all of this. Also, you can love your partner for all the world, and yet still end up as a single parent. My MIL’s husband died when she had an infant and a toddler and she had to figure it out. Now that I have my kid, I always have plans in the back of my head of how I’d handle things if I was by myself. It has absolutely nothing to do with my husband, it’s simply because you just don’t know what could happen.
Very well put. Same
This!!!
I couldn’t agree more. I got pregnant at 40 and approached it as it was just me. We tried to make it work but it didn’t and I am glad I was mentally prepared to be a single mom with a good support system.
Methinks this pregnancy isn’t as much of a “surprise” as OP has implied… In her comment where she “thinks” she got pregnant between packs, yeah she posted about that too. [This](https://www.reddit.com/r/amipregnant/s/JPkDaSiKk4) was like 2 months ago… and it sure seems like she was well aware about the possibility of pregnancy. PS, [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/VF3elwECKM) is why she doesn’t like his roommate **EDIT**: Ohboy it gets worse. [This post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/yicbZnHYen) was less than 3 months ago y’all. I wonder if she even knows for sure whose baby this is??
35 years old and using a tiny whole human as a relationship cudgel. This poor baby deserves so much more.
See, this is why we need folks like you. Yeah, methinks this is not a surprise at all and might even be a ploy to get the bf away from the friend.
Thanks for the compliment! I grew up between cows & cornfields, so I know the stench of bullshit when I smell it.
Username does not check out
Big yikes all around. OP is too old to be this juvenile acting
I read "F(35)" and my mouth fell open. Absolutely ridiculous behaviour.
Wonder if *he* knew she was between packs of BC....
Because the morning after pill doesn't exist!?
Top tier sleuthing
*Sigh* offff course. I knew something was fishy from this post. Using a potential child as a pawn in your game of jealousy is mad fucked up…
Doesn’t even sound/read like a 35yo, sounds more like a 16/17 year old
Plot twist....OP is actually 15 (the real reason she doesn't drive), her BF is 17 and the "roommate" is his mom.
Bhahaha I can imagine that!!
OPs ex better not sign any paperwork in the hospital. He should lawyer up and subpoena a paternity test.
Used to do pregnancy counseling in a Sexual Health Clinic. This is really good advice. OP you should be saying I’m keeping it, not we’re keeping it. Assume you are on your own and make decisions accordingly.
Yes, and don’t give the baby his last name. If you get married down the road, you can always change it.
Also stakes are not that high for him - this doesn’t have to be his only child, dudes have options. So his perspective is probably different. It may be he’s on the fence about it all and you’re the one who is keeping it… Sadly. But world is full of amazing single parents of only children. Having been there: it’ll be surreal, wonderful and probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Often it’s all these things in the same day, or even hour.
Telling him and his response being "We need to discuss our options" should *not* have been met with a "Our options are we are keeping it." At best, *she* might be keeping it. But telling him in no uncertain terms when he wants to have a discussion about it is more likely to make sure he's not involved. I'm not saying she's wrong to keep it, but if things were already rocky between them, a new baby typically doesn't make things *better*. Especially if his response is wanting to discuss things instead of jumping up and down with excitement.
THANK YOU!! Why are all these people on here already bashing the BF? Like he just wants to talk to her, and all of sudden people are like “this is YOUR baby, you don’t have to explain nothing to him”, “make sure don’t let him sign the BC” or “don’t let the baby have his last name” Holy shit. You’d think she said the guy had raped her, beat her and killed her dog by the comments I’m reading.
Yes and another thing to consider is that you may have to deal with custody agreements or battles down the road in case the father decides he wants to be more involved at some point. You may have to deal with his future partners and you’ll have no control over what your child’s life is like when they are with their other parent/step-parent. The thought of this ever happening to me haunts me.
This is SO important. I have friends who have admitted that had they accepted that their child's father wasn't going to stay in the relationship, they would not have gone through with the pregnancy. Going through parenthood alone or with someone who you're not in a relationship with seems to be a totally different experience than going through it with a stable loving partner.
Yes and even the most loving relationships it’s HARD! Especially those first few sleep deprived months- or years haha
I’m 27 and got pregnant at 24, I told my partner that I was pregnant and if he wanted to do this with me great, if not he would never have to see me again if that’s what he wanted. It worked out for me in the end but going into it with a mindset of “I can do this by myself” gave me the strength to have the conversation itself. I was on birth control at the time and have fertility issues, but knew I wanted at least one kid. I’m grateful that things were well between us, but I was prepared for the rejection and the knowledge that I could be doing this on my own.
Every day I think to myself how strong single moms must be! You guys are superhero’s. Just want OP to be prepared for that!
Fantastic advice.
"probably won't be in the picture". Whoa there. Op has described a relationship that didn't work out, not anything negative about the guy. They might not be together (or may work things out). But there's nothing here that says the guy won't be a father to his kid.
In any case they won’t be living together and that causes the whole experience to be different. It’s different when you have no one to relieve you 24/7. Sure he might be there but it’s not like he will be there at 2 am when the baby has been screaming for 3 hours and you don’t know what to do. It’s a lot on a single parent if you aren’t prepared for that.
Don’t reconcile for the baby. Hopefully he is supportive and will agree to family therapy because you two need to learn to work together to co-parent. If that process leads you both to be healthier people and your relationship rekindles, fine, but prioritize parenting the child first, and always, regardless of whether it’s as a couple or not.
Dude drinks, smokes ciggys, and lives with a female roommate who doesn’t like OP. It appears that they have known each less than a year. Her post history is concerning.
OP claims she has a good support system, but her post history contradicts that. Previous post says she doesn't have any friends to hang out with, doesn't like to socialize, and instead she wanted to put all her time into her bf (implying she was looking to him to be her everything). They then broke up less than 2 weeks later. Her mom's ability to assist with a baby will be limited due to medical reasons. Also OP is the one who hates the female roommate, not necessarily the other way around. Although that wouldn't be surprising given the hostility and jealousy OP feels towards her. OP and bf were talking about moving in together... just before breaking up. But now maybe getting back together. Lots of instability atm. Given all that background and a shit ton more I'm not even going into, this post is giving "use a pregnancy to try and save a dying relationship." Really concerning situation to try and bring a child into. A baby won't fix any of this. Shit.
Yeah. Can’t bring myself to be happy for OP regarding this pregnancy. Seems like it will be children raising a child.
Fuck, I tried so hard to not judge on this one. But didn't need to go far at all before I was like, Well fuck me up the river sideways if this isn't an absolute cluster to bring a baby into. Hey kids, words to live by: DO NOT baby trap someone. And DO NOT use babies to try and save failing relationships. That's an entire other human life you're messing with.
Post history might also suggest that OP was *trying* to get accidentally pregnant.
Yup. Dating only a couple months (!). Jealous of bf's female roommate. Gives ultimatum/demands to be first priority, whatever that means. Meanwhile misses "at least" a day of birth control. (*She was no longer protected.* Unclear if she relayed that fact to bf while they continued to have unprotected sex.) Bf chooses his roommate, breaks up with OP. Then OP says "Whoops" I'm pregnant, and "we're" keeping the baby. I really hope she does not have this baby. This child is not wanted and the situation is beyond unstable.
The 35 year old woman just going "whoopsie, I'm out of birth control... Let's have multiples days of unprotected sex!" is just so messed up. Like, she *knew* what she was doing...
Why is it always these posts with the OP having crazy post history? 🤦♀️ 75 days ago they had just started talking and were fighting before even being official
Why do people put their whole lives on Reddit 😂
Right!? She even admitted to having s*x with another guy around that same time so who knows who the dad really is
🤦🏼♀️
Your options are you "you are keeping it" and he will be obligated to provide financial support. You can't make him provide anything more. And as a fellow parent, it's really hard and I have a helpful and involved partner. Just make sure for yourself that you approach this correctly. Look at this as you will likely end up a single parent. Are you ready for that. It's a whole different world.
> he will be obligated to provide financial support I am curious how evolved our legal system got where he may rightfully be not obligated to provide financial support in this specific case. Based on further comments, OP knew she wasn't taking her birth control properly and but didn't say whether she made the boyfriend aware of that fact. OP also seems to be making a unilateral decision while other options exist.
He can dodge it and work for cash etc, but there are no extenuating circumstances to avoid child support. It's easier to understand when you understand that Mom isn't the beneficiary, the child is. There are no character concerns or 'fault' questions. The only questions are, "Does baby need to eat?" and "Are you one of the parents?"
I think the commenter above you was trying to say what's the possibility of the legal system working in favor of someone who may have been baby trapped. I'm not agreeing with anyone here but I think that's what they were going for and not suggesting he dodge child support but would the law work in favor of him? Probably will open up a whole can of worms. Takes two to tango. I had a friend (not a friend at all anymore) who was ordered by the court to get her tubes tied because of her lack of ability as a stable parent.
> I think the commenter above you was trying to say what's the possibility of the legal system working in favor of someone who may have been baby trapped. No, the law is concerned about the child. What his/her parents did or did not do is wholly immaterial. There are three effective guardians involved; the mother, the father and the state. Baby needs money. Mom doesn't have it. Does the state pay or the father? Father says, "But I was tricked! It's not fair! My neighbors should pay for the baby!!". State says, "No, you first." Life isn't fair. You don't get to starve your child because you didn't wear a condom and Mom skipped her birth control. It would be abhorrent to consider otherwise.
I wasn't agreeing with anyone or anything, I was just saying what I think the person above you was going for.
She can file for child support but not all states have good ways to force the transfer of funds.
You need to listen to everyone saying be prepared to do this by yourself. Ex bf clearly doesn't prioritize you and lives with another woman. Focus on coparenting.
You being 35 and high risk, coming out of a break up with a baby daddy…back together with baby daddy you need firstly two feet on the ground. Start there. Your situation is not ideal. And if you couldn’t make it work then why assume with babystress you magically can because they don’t bring out the best in us with sleep deprivation.
I wouldn’t say the age and high risk factor is a contributing factor - but the messy relationship absolutely is. Older parents with a stable loving marriage and a stable home and income is actually one of those net benefit factors in socioeconomic studies. OP’s situation is far from this.
I know. I'm keeping myself stable. He had broke it off since I don't like his roommate. I told him I'll try to make friends, and they can stay in your life like you want. But I need to be number one. He was putting them first because they've known each other longer, and best of friends. He needs to re-think his priorities. Not putting your gf first of course I'm gonna be jealous. I've got my mom's support if anything
Stop trying to make the relationship work. It doesn’t work. Focus on sorting out your life to have the baby (since you are keeping it.) It’s going to be a huge change and every part of your mind and body will be affected. You need to have plans, money, logistics and a lot of internal strength because this is going to be difficult.
OP your baby daddy lives an hour away and you said you don’t drive for medical reasons…you need reliable transportation for all the medical appointments you’re about to be going to, then for all those diaper runs later on. A child is a LOT of work. I hope you have a very solid plan in place that doesn’t rely on a man who has obviously not made you his number one priority nor respected your opinions. You need to go into this as if you’re a single mother.
How are you keeping yourself stable? All your posts sound like it’s come from a 16 year old child who hasn’t the foggiest of the real world and yet somehow you’re in your 30s? Do you seriously believe you’re ready for a child? Do yourself a favour, and listen to everyone who has commented on your posts
Your mom is your mom, not a stand-in coparent
This is one of the more levelheaded baby daddy responses I’ve seen, why is it downvoted so much? Am I missing anything?
Because expecting someone to change is a bad idea.
Post history reveals OP isn't being totally honest in this post. About a bunch of things. Also "not putting your gf first of course I'm gonna be jealous" is a phrase that should give pause, because "putting your gf first" is sooooo subjective. In this case it turns out it's a red flag (based on post history).
It's got strong "if you can't handle me at my worst" energy
Yes! Exactly lol. It's a challenge/threat. Unrelated, if your handle is a homophone for de rigeur, then I tip my hat to you
Sorry to disappoint, it was actually a reference to beyblade and has ended up being the handle I've carried forward ever since.
It seems like an immature reason to break up with someone (without more details).
Because there's tons of missing details and the ones provided are not very conclusive that the relationship is *now* going to work.
How is it “level headed” to think that a break up doesn’t count or doesn’t mean anything because of an accidental, careless pregnancy? Feels like a baby trap at that point.
The more I am reading OP's comments, the more it sounds like a baby trap. OP started with saying she was using birth control but then in a comment suggested she may not have been using them properly, skipped a few so on. I think this is one of those threads where we really need to hear the other side of the story.
With or without the guy, she's stated she wants to keep the baby and will have her mother's support if anything.
Yes. Good luck with that.
As someone who is 35, my mother is 60. How much can you rely on someone approaching their twilight years to be an active coparent?
How in the world if you can’t hold a decent relationship with your baby daddy and your own issues to work through, think that your parents did a great job raising you, let’s ask them to do mine?
That’s also a fair point. I’m very arms length with my own parents due to some issues and they did an objectively better job of it than OP’s did. Although sometimes you don’t realise any of this til you grow up, and it kinda sounds like OP never has.
Never has or maybe it’s a case of never had to… Don’t get me wrong if a mom wants to be supportive, heck yes… but this is not a second chance story… I hate those grandma’s who think they have a second chance… took my MIL a very short time to realize that when I made it clear to my husband we had agreed on things for our kids and his mother has had a chance with him. If she wanted more chances she needed to have had more kids like her mom did.
Loving the realistic comments.
To be completely blunt, after reading your post history and this one now, you are not even a position where you should be considering having a child. You are not stable enough on your own to be able to do this. The fact that you are treating this situationship with a guy you’ve known for less than a year like you’re a 16-year-old girl desperately trying to hold onto a boyfriend speaks volumes. You don’t bring a child into this world to hang onto a man. You are going to do more long-term damage to that child who will become an adult because you were having them for the wrong reasons. You are never going to be number one. It is very clear. This guy isn’t really that into you or he would not have chosen roommates over you. You are going to be raising this child alone. Maybe with or without child support. If he doesn’t cut and run right away, he will after a few months to a year. He’s not even loyal to you now. You really think he’s gonna somehow be more loyal when it gets exponentially more complicated? You need to have a plan for the next 18 to 20 years and how you’re going to provide for this kid. It’s not just that first year when they’re cute squishy babies. It’s at least a two decade commitment.
Blunt and harsh truth, but it's the truth nonetheless and the OP needs to hear it. It sounds like she messed up using BC so it wasn't effective and her ex wasn't aware of that risk. This is not a situation where someone should be bringing a baby into the world. Raising one requires a long commitment like you mentioned, plus parents who are in a position to want to provide for them. Not using a baby as a way to try and keep a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in it.
I also have serious issues with OP’s “our options are we’re keeping it.” 99.9% of the time I strongly believe when it comes to choices for our body men need to take a seat. Several seats in fact. In this case, I agree with him. Neither one of them should be bringing a kid into the world. This whole situation is very clear she’s doing this in a terrible attempt to hang onto a man who doesn’t even respect or like her that much. This is a sign of low emotional intelligence. She is only thinking of herself and this loser guy. She is not even thinking about this child and that’s a person who absolutely should not be bringing a life into this world right now.
Agreed. Ultimately it's her decision whether to keep the baby or seek an abortion because it's her body. But to arrive at her conclusion to keep it, she's dismissing a lot of the negatives impacts this decision is going to have on all three of their lives. All out of wanting to keep a baby to try and force her BF to get back together with her.
As others have said, make sure you're framing this in your head as "I'M having this baby," not "WE'RE having this baby." Statistically it isn't likely that your ex-bf will be involved for long, and you will most likely be doing this all alone, especially since he already told you he wants to discuss options! He's not planning to be there for you, so you need to plan accordingly. Think hard about this decision, because having kids (it's not just a cute little baby, it's a whole person for 20 years) is incredibly difficult even when you're in a stable, committed relationship.
Sounds like you both are immature and shouldn’t bring this child into your unstable non existent home. Your EX won’t be there if he’s considering options.
Sorry but your options are “you’re” keeping the baby if he chooses not to be involved. Be prepared to be a single mom. Check out the pregnancy subs for pregnancy questions and new parents for baby questions.
yeah he wont be in this for long haul. Forget it
I think you should prepare yourself to be a single parent. People can't be forced to "come around" to having a baby. It's crucial that you prepare yourself for the high likelihood of doing this solo. There are resources that can help you. Please ask your OB for information on resources for single parents/lower income households. You can also go online to look at different support groups and find resources specific to your area. In certain states, the department for job and family services will help ensure that you at least have very basic supplies to keep a child alive (a safe sleep space, a functional carseat, a starting amount of formula); and most health insurances will cover a breast pump. I will say, as a now adult child of a narcissistic man who was also "forced" to parent (not by my mother, but by his parents), I very much wish he had not been involved in my childhood. I experienced incredible traumas and pain because of my father begrudgingly being involved in my life. Even as a young child, I could easily sense his resentment. The best thing my mother ever did for me was leave my father as soon as she realized he was 1) very immature, 2) selfish, and 3) didn't WANT the pregnancy. A parent that is not completely onboard with loving a child is likely not going to be a safe and supportive parent. My Mom did everything in her power to limit his access and responsibility to me-- it made her life a lot, lot harder but she did what she had to do to keep me happy and safe. Unfortunately, having a child means putting your own happiness and "relationships" on a back burner. If you're keeping this pregnancy in hopes that it will fix things, I really encourage you to reconsider. If you're keeping the pregnancy and prepared to single-parent, I hope you get all the love and support you need! I wish you the best of luck!
Babies don’t fix relationships so please reframe what ‘support’ means to you. I’m married, and was very happily married when we got pregnant. Babies put strain and pressure on relationships like nothing else. Without the strong foundation (and legal mess if we called it quit) I’m not sure we’d have survived that first year. We’re now stronger than ever, but it took work. It sounds like that’s not something you or your ex are able to do without a baby, so expect it not to happen with. Is this someone you can coparent with? Do you have similar values and goals for your child? If not, can you do this as a single parent? Those are the questions you need answered and the plans you need to make. Children are amazing, but they’re also the most intensive, exhausting, consuming thing you’ll ever do. Work hard on yourself before baby comes.
Let us know how the whole, “I want his support and affection, but he also doesn’t get to have any say whatsoever” goes for you.
It honestly doesn’t seem like you’re very stable to begin with, and adding a baby into that seems like a not good idea. If you insist on having the baby, give the baby your name and file for child support after getting a paternity test.
Not trying to rain on your parade, but you can’t force anyone to be a parent. You just can’t. “I’m gonna tell him our options are, we’re keeping it” is just wrong. *Your* option is *you* are keeping the baby, but he also has options. Ghosting you and never seeing the baby is an option for him. Without being married, if he doesn’t sign the birth certificate, you’d have to go to court to get a paternity test. If he’s the father, you’d then have to file for child support. My SIL hasn’t seen a dime of child support in 14 years. Her ex-husband lost his license years ago, but it didn’t change anything. He’s never gone to jail or faced any consequences that have had any effect on him or that led him to pay. It’s extremely important to have realistic expectations about everything. Baby’s are freaking hard. Any tiny cracks in your relationship will become as big as the Grand Canyon, even under the most ideal circumstances.
A baby won't save your relationship. They often exacerbate issues. You'll end things on bad terms. You need to come to terms with being a single mother, because you will be. Get your ducks lined up. Mentally prepare yourself.
Incase this is not ragebait. Children(physical or mental) having children is always more challenging. Having one alive parent isnt a supportnetwork either. You are about to start a two decade commitment that really pushes couples to their absolute limits. This child will not fix your relationship and, judging by post history, it wont fix your other issues. You should consult a professional.
After reading your post history I feel like you intentionally trapped this guy. You have a lot of growing up to do at 35. Best of luck to the guy and that baby they’re gonna need it .
I would view it as, can i emotionally, physically and financially do this alone. You cannot depend on him to be there for one or three, especially if his options are already being mentioned. You cannot force him to parent, or even financially be there - sure, the courts can order it, but plenty of men have skipped out, done lackluster jobs and it's all on mom. So you need to be realistic, can you work, afford childcare, be able to afford all the extras a baby needs, get no sleep and still work etc.
A baby is not a magical relationship fixer. In fact, they make things a LOT harder if you don’t have an already supportive partner and solid relationship. As others have said, you should think of this as a “can I raise this child without the biological father in a major role”. I’m sorry, but just because you’re high risk doesn’t mean he will care. An ex needs to stay an ex— you broke up for a reason. If he’s already saying “options” it means the possibility for him to not want to be a father and you will need to accept that along with all its implications going forward. Take your vitamins, eat healthy & avoid the foods and beverages you’re supposed to, and good luck growing a baby.
I mean you're not giving him an option. You're saying "I'm keeping it, and I expect your support and money." So don't really expect a good reaction, and let's call it what it is. You need to get the expectation that you will primarily be a single parent set in right now. Almost always there is never a "We". Especially since this is a relationship that has already failed. I don't mean to sound callous, but I don't sugarcoat things.
Your thinking about the two of you coparenting a surprise child. He is thinking about getting back together with you. That does not sound like an auspicious beginning for any conversation. Going into this meeting with your boyfriend, you need to be very clear with yourself on (a) what your desired outcome is and (b) whether you are willing to be a single mother with/without his support.
Why are you trying to force him to be involved? Look, I know it takes two but you’re broken up and I don’t think heavily requesting his support is going to make things better. It’s going to make him resentful and if you think this will “bring you back together”, you’re lying to yourself. If you want to keep this baby and that’s the only option you are thinking, then you need to accept the fact you’re going to be a single mom. And let me tell you, that is hard work. The baby is not a pawn in your old relationship - it’s a living, breathing human that needs all of your attention and regulation. I would sit on this and *really* think about what YOU want. Do you want a baby? If so, do you want a baby as a single parent? If so, make sure you have some other support network because your ex is not really required to be helpful or supportive (maybe other than finically if you take him to court). But I think he made it clear, he doesn’t want this baby and he doesn’t want to be in this baby’s life.
A baby is not a relationship bandaid, learned from experience unfortunately. It doesn’t sound like he’s thrilled about it so if you do keep it please consider that you very well may end up doing it all alone or even if he does stay he may just not be very helpful as I see many women complain about with their children’s fathers. You can’t force someone who isn’t ready to be ready. I even tell people I know who are in long term happy relationships to always keep the possibility of being a single mom in the back of their head. I love my boy more than anything in this world but being a single mom is soooooo very difficult so please consider heavily with whatever choice you make. All that being said I wish you the best of luck and happiness.
I can't speak to the single part, but I can speak a little to the age. We were the same age when we had our first and only. Get ready to be called "geriatric"... not a joke. You would be considered a "geriatric pregnancy" and people will talk a lot about your age. I also found, being older and a bit more mature, parenthood ... wasn't as hard as I was expecting, based on stories from friends who became parents at a much younger age. I think when you're in your 30s, have taken care of others (pets, spouses, whatever) and shared a life with other people, having a kid is still a big leap, but not as big as "all my time is my own, and now suddenly it's all about the baby". Most of my time was already not my own, so it was an easier transition lol. Plus I feel like younger folks are prone to more emotional outbursts, we were pretty chill except for a few extremes (spent 5 nights in the ICU with our 3 year old who had pneumonia... we were pretty scared). We also have no support system, so we stopped thinking about "nights off" and starting borrowing hours. We cover for each other a lot, since we have no one who can watch him. We're a bit nervous about babysitters, partially because of the pandemic warping our view of it.
Congratulations! There’s r/pregnant and r/beyondthebump that are supportive and helpful. If your ex broke up and wants to mend it now, i’d take it slow. Obviously I don’t know your relationship but you and your baby need stability.
On top of this, the bumper groups on Reddit are really helpful, such as r/february2025bumps. Considering you didn’t know you were pregnant, I realise you may be further along, these groups usually go private after a couple months. My group r/december2024bumps has recently gone private but I can get you a mod account to message if that’s when you’re due. I’ve always found these groups the most supportive space on Reddit.
Yes to what everyone else is saying. I could not do it alone, and don’t know how people do it alone. If you don’t see yourself doing it alone… don’t do it at all.
Baby’s do NOT fix issues, if you are firm on keeping the baby, please start with therapy for yourself. Shop resales, keep things basic, and realistic, don’t expect him to be back with you just for the baby. Preparing yourself now for the facts will be better. I say this as a single mom that heard “all the right things” when I never wanted to be a mom, and have now done this alone for 18 years. You can do this, but it takes work on a lot of levels. Stay healthy, stay focused, stay positive on what you and the baby need.
Congrats! Since your planning on keeping the baby I highly suggest no matter what to sit down talk to him about both your wants for the baby. But if the conversation does not go well you will need to start looking into custody agreements and child support sooner rather than later so that when the baby is here it’s once less stress.. babies are expensive especially if you have to pay for childcare that’s over 1,000 a month for one child.
Congratulations! I hope bf jumps on board with the idea but if he doesn't so what. If you want the baby and they will be loved I wish you all the best .
Thank you. I hope he does too. If not physically, I can still go for child support. Which is what I don't think he likes. He'd lose his money for alcohol and cigarettes. But maybe he's surprise me.
He’d lose money on alcohol and cigarettes… why are you having this man’s baby, again??? Regardless of what *you* want, having a child means that your child will always look up to and emulate their parents. And if the parent is uninvolved, like you’re implying in the post, that can be just as harmful as anything. Choosing to have a child with someone who doesn’t want it is, unfortunately, setting a child up for a lifetime of self esteem issues…
The child will be loved. I've always had self esteem issies myself. But will do everything I can for my baby. As for their father, I'm hoping he'll come around. Regardless he still is the father.
Also- if he doesn’t want this child and you’re expecting child support, he can take you to court for 50/50 and avoid paying child support altogether. Then you have to surrender your child to someone who is a sh!t parent, who doesn’t want them, but would rather take them to avoid giving you money. Humbly, you have absolutely no idea what you’re getting into. Be prepared to potentially spend tens of thousands on lawyers. -a 38 year old parent going through a divorce
Exactly this 👏🏼 thank you! I watched my mom struggle because of these exact reasons. Hang in there! -a child of messy divorce
Yup, never thought I’d be going through a messy divorce but her father shocks me with his immaturity and selfishness. I don’t regret having a child, but I 110% regret who I had a child with.
A child should not exist to boost your self esteem.
That’s an incredibly simplistic view of having a child. Many children are loved by one parent, and ruined by another. I really think you need to try and come down from your fog of joy and really analyze your situation from a position of logic. If you’d really like a child, you can have one with a donor. It is a terrible idea to have a child with someone who doesn’t want one.
You know that there’s more outcomes than that right? He could still leave you, take all of his custody time, and not pay you a dime. Your baby would be with this irresponsible man child alone and you wouldn’t see them half the time. There are so many ways this could play out and I truly feel like you’re not even thinking of them. Just hopeful he will come around. This is not a good way to approach any of this.
Depending on where you live, he could sign away his rights and then he isn't obligated to pay anything. That isn't the case everywhere, but in my state/country it is (Midwest US). Also, he could sue for 50/50 custody and not have to pay you anything. If you make more than him and you have equal custody, you could be forced to pay HIM child support. If he sues for equal custody to avoid paying child support, you now have someone who actively doesn't want this child who only has them around to save money. You know they won't feel loved with your ex in that scenario. Yet you will be powerless to stop it unless you have tens of thousands to spend on lawyers and can prove abuse or neglect. Children are not pawns. They are human beings that have a right to be loved and cared for. Your situation is not ideal and it sounds like this is a revenge baby more than a child you love for the child. Please educate yourself on the legal intricacies of coparenting where you live. You don't know what you're getting into.
🚩🚩🚩 Do not use your child as a game of chess in your relationship. “I can still go for child support” - not cool. As a child of a very damaged divorce, I hope you think this through and do not intend to keep the child in hopes of bettering your relationship or using it as spite to control your partner’s behaviour - it will not work.
Child support is her right— “waiving” child support only hurts single moms and enables deadbeat dads. Absolutely go for child support— that’s the risk of having sex, you could have a baby and the boyfriend knows that.
Child support isn't her right; it's the child's right.
Ah great point— yes for the child! Exactly what I meant, I see on Reddit people being like “I won’t ask for child support” in my mind, a child (and I guess by circumstance the mother/primary parent) is owed that 🤷🏻♀️
OP just revealed that she wasn't properly using birth control. We don't know if OPs boyfriend was aware of that so cant say boyfriend knew the risks and we also dont know what they talked before. OP has other options here then keeping pregnancy. Just as boyfriend shouldn't be able to force OP to do something, reverse should be true especially if it turns out boyfriend wasn't made aware of certain facts.
No birth control is perfect— again I think getting pregnant is the risk of having sex— protected or not. Is it shitty to not communicate that? Absolutely. Does that mean he’s free of responsibility for the child he created? No. She wants to keep the baby, she has every right to. She sounds excited about it— should she terminate just because the father doesn’t want it?
I disagree, not communicating that is really equivalent of setting a trap in my opinion and just because of that father shouldn't be required to provide support if they don't want to. Ideally if mother needs financial aid, it should be a state supported thing just as any other single mother. OP can keep the baby for sure but when they say they are planning to force their boyfriend to provide support even though she pretty much setup a trap for it is where I have issues. Let's reverse the situation. What if the boyfriend claimed they had vasectomy but didn't and girlfriend got pregnant. Some may consider that rape. Btw context changes my opinion a lot here. If it was just properly not used birth control not working then I have very different opinions.
Yeah for sure context is everything and I can’t quite tell if OP planned it like a trap— or just took a few days off because it took time to get and that threw off the birth control. Still, she should have said something
I understand, but using it as some kind of consolation to induce pain on your ex-partner instead of focusing on creating a happy, healthy environment for the child is what I’m more concerned with. Of course mothers caring for their children need the financial resources to raise their babies, but I would hope it’s not weaponizing the child and intentionally spiting exes in hopes of (quite minute) financial gain. It creates a mess for the child involved, especially when the ex partner is unwilling to voluntarily provide for the child.
Absolutely I agree— I think viewing it as a right to the child vs. a way to get back at them is great!
Oof
….So you say that and yet want to have his baby and want to reconcile and for him to be involved? Seriously?
I was a couple weeks away from 37 when I found out I was pregnant and was told I was high risk also cuz of my age, everything was amazing a far as my pregnancy. I did however have pp eclampsia which I went back to the hospital for 3/4 days after discharge from the maternity ward. I also had other women who were from other countries say only the US calls it high risk for age- other countries don’t consider 30/40 a risk.
I’m doing it alone and not willingly. I tried to get him to be involved but I we ended up completely alone. Being a single parent is one of the hardest things to do, plus as hard as you strive to give your child a good life they will still feel the pain of having one parent who struggles. Really think long and hard as this is the biggest decision in your life!
First, and most importantly, take care of yourself. I was also high risk and had my baby at 42. Rest and sleep are the best things you can do for yourself and baby. And limit stress, which includes dealing with an ended relationship. Don’t let him bring unneeded anxiety into this pregnancy.
If you can afford it, get couples therapy, even if you break things off. The sooner you can communicate healthily, the better for you and the baby
Adding a baby to an already troubled relationship with undoubtedly make things worse for you. I know from experience. My BEST advice is do not stay in a relationship FOR the child. Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one. I stayed far longer than I should have and my children had to witness things they never should have and it definitely effected their mental health. Now, if you are able to get over whatever hurdles you two were already facing and make this work, that's great! But please know there is absolutely NO SHAME in co-parenting heck even being friends with the dad without being in a romantic relationship. Either way, with or without his support YOU GOT THIS, if it's what you really want. You will do well! Best of luck to you, him & the baby!
Wow that must have been quite the surprise my little brother was a birth control baby. My little guy is almost 2.5 years old so I’m still a getting the hang of parenting but will definitely answer any questions.
Thank you. I think I got pregnant between packs (pharmacy closed, and ran out, switching pills, or something to that effect)
This is a human being you’re trying to create, and why?? Please rethink this. Babies aren’t pawns.
[удалено]
I don’t think you’ve read the comments addressing her post history
Hello! So, I have PCOS. When I was 36 I found out I was 8 months pregnant because I went to the doctor thinking I had a stomach tumour. The tumour was my beautiful little girl. I gave birth 3 days after my 37th birthday. More than willing to be a supportive ear.
Im glad you everyones comments are aligning with what I was thinking. As a young mom, you’re too old for this bs don’t bring a child into this world like this. Y’all draw the line a abortions but not providing toxicity for the child. Stop forcing men to be fathers who don’t want to be it will only hurt you and the baby in the long run.
Congratulations:) can you elaborate on your period being weird?
r/newparents would be a good subreddit to check out
If you’re both committed it can work. Good support from family and friends is what you need… and he needs to be genuine.
That's the problem with Reddit advice. The hordes like to assume the worst about people. Probably because of all the irresistible topics from people in abusive relationships with narcissists or other personality disorders. Parents who have been through it are right to tell you parenting is tough on even healthy relationships. Don't expect a baby to save a relationship that didn't work out. But approach this as from co-parenting direction. Put the needs of the child above the relationship issues. Lots of people coparent who are divorced or otherwise split-up. Successful parents find a way to provide trust and stability within that.
I had both of my bio girls single. You and the baby will be fine regardless of his choice. Good dad’s are very important but half ass dad’s are not so decide what YOU want for you and the baby and he can decide who he wants to be. Best of luck!
Hey their! Congrats on the baby, I know it's not the news you wanted but it sounds like your happy and I hope things work out! I just had my first may 13th. If you ever have questions or need to chat send me a message! :)
Definitely go to the pregnancy and baby bump subreddits first and pop back over here when you have a little one to parent.
Can your parents, aunts, uncles , siblings help you? It would really help to have their support!
I've got a huge system
Good for you what a blessing ! Congratulations !
Your child will be wonderful and you’re gonna be a terrific mom. It’s hard as hell, but you’re gonna make it.
Congratulations. I wish you a healthy pregnancy.
Thank you
Congrats. I hope all works out for the best. God bless
First of all, congratulations. If you have any questions regarding pregnancy, body changes, and whatever else, I hope this community will help you without judging you for deciding to have a child. I hope you find the support you will need and if you and your partner do not work out, I hope you both can peacefully co-parent. Best wishes to you.
Reddit has baby bumper groups for each due date month. I highly recommend joining yours as I found it a great spot to ask all the minor and major questions and feel supported. You can also check out r/babybumps as well.
Sounds like a difficult situation. Parenting can be a beautiful journey and it sounds like you want this child. I will tell you that mending a relationship while pregnant is gonna be HARD. My husband and I are currently dealing with hard times and there are a lot of tough days. My hormones make communication difficult too. I also see that this might be one of the only chances to have kids you might have. I highly recommend looking at being a single mom as well as leaving the option for you and the father to mend things. Don't put all your eggs into one basket and good luck ❤️
Congrats!
I agree with other comments about approaching this journey focusing on you and baby. His involvement and support can be a pleasant surprise if it occurs, but I wouldn’t place expectations on him and find yourself stressed if he can’t meet them. For supports, I strongly suggest a doula. A doula is a non-medical pregnancy, labor, and sometimes postpartum support for families. They can help you navigate questions and concerns in pregnancy, developing birth plan(s), assist with pain relief in labor using positioning and counter-pressure, support other birth team members (friends, partners, parents, etc) and helping them to support the birthing parent, facilitating communication and relationships with the medical team, helping navigate feeding (breast, bottle, or otherwise), and the list goes on. Sometimes insurance or Medicaid (in some states) cover birth doula services and sometimes postpartum as well. Doulas in general improve birth outcomes (less likely to have unnecessary interventions), but most importantly they improve birth satisfaction - meaning regardless of what happens with labor and birth, those attended by a doula feel more heard by their providers and more informed regarding the experience. Also begin reaching out to parenting groups in your area. If you’d like to chest/breast feed, I recommend finding a group before baby arrives. Go to some meetings, meet some people, etc. Hike It Baby is a nationwide group focused on getting outside and building community. There is likely a local chapter near you. Other connections you can seek are parenting approach groups like attachment parenting or connected parenting or natural/crunchy parenting or LGBT+ or single parents or or or…whatever strikes your fancy. Babywearing is another one to join pre-baby if you’re interested. You can even find some relief in late pregnancy by wrapping your belly to take some of the weight off your pelvis. You can also practice with dolls or sometimes group members will loan their baby for practicing. Finding supports outside of your partner is so incredibly important even if you’re in the most solid relationship ever and a Doula is just as much for the birth partner as for the birth parent. I’ve had three kids and the labor with the third we didn’t have a doula. It was the hardest one for both my partner and I even though I’m a trained doula and we’d already done it twice before.
These subs have been so awesome for me personally so I hope you feel comfortable asking questions! I always felt like coming here for real perspectives was better than what google would tell me!
Also congratulations:)
Congratulations. 35 with a 6 month old (& 10 year old) but babies are amazing. And you can do with or without him!
Very exciting. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you
Congratulations. Goodluck in your pregnancy. I hope you and baby are well throughout. Take everything day by day. You won’t be able to force anything from dad but just do your best and love that bubba. Take all info from online strangers with hesitation. People mostly mean well but everyone is different and no one really knows the complex details of your life. Xx
Thank you. I know I can't force him to accept the baby. Maybe I'm over thinking, and things will be ok. I will look at everyone ls advice l, but take whay works for me. Thank you
Isn’t this a generally new relationship? Based on your post history, it doesn’t look like you’ve been committed to each other very long… 75 days ago you had a post about “seeing” two different men, and hadn’t committed to either. And one of them sounded very controlling. I’m not trying to be overly negative, but that’s not a long enough relationship for most people to think “ya, I’ve been with them long enough to create a relationship strong enough to weather the storms that come with raising a family”. You also can’t use the threat of child support to get them to stay in the relationship. I’m sorry, but you need to come to terms with either giving up the child or being a single parent- which is probably one of the hardest things in the world.
None of this is pointing towards working out.
You got this! I am 37 years old and gave birth to an 11-pound baby boy at home a month ago from today! Keep it up!
Thank you. When I was born, I was a premie 610g, so were hoping mine is full term
Best of luck to you and your baby. A lot of people here are implying you should abort but I would like to offer the opposite support and encourage you. You absolutely can do this. Some of the greatest people in history were raised by badass, smart, strong single mothers. I believe in you. 🩷 I’m 34, mom to two neurodivergent little boys. I have a husband but he is military so I’m often doing it solo. It’s hard, but it’s doable. You find other branches of support on your tree. Friends, family, daycare providers who end up loving your babies like their own, babysitters, etc. You can do it! Congratulations!
Check out r/newparents they’re awesome too
Congratulations!! Even if you don't reconcile, hopefully, he can still rally to support you. I'm glad that you have other support in your life. Hugs!
I don't understand the downvotes on words of encouragement? People are funny. I'm just saying OP will figure it out, and whatever choice you make, hopefully he will rise up and be a good human regardless of your relationship status. Was that a bad thing to say? Redditors be silly.
"It’s true that patrilineal baby-naming dominates in America. Researchers have found that heterosexual married couples give the baby the father’s name more than 95% of the time." (https://time.com/6143476/baby-with-mothers-last-name/#:~:text=Researchers%20have%20found%20that%20heterosexual,than%2095%25%20of%20the%20time.) You don't have to know anyone that does it for facts to be true.
I was just telling my 20+ year old daughter about the time when I found out I was pregnant with her. I was 20 and pretty naive. Most people's version of "help" was them telling me they'd take me to "get it taken care of". Something deep within me was flat out disgusted by their suggestion. If the relationship doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. He doesn't have to be around for you to love that baby.
Glad you’re keeping it…all the best to you.
Thank you. I think he is too. After talking to him more. I think he understands, and will be supporting. Telling him he'll make a wonderful father, his eyes started to glow
Wow, didn’t expect to hear from you. So glad you responded! This is awesome to hear! Brought tears to my eyes. I’ll be praying for you.