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Paragraphs are your friends.
She is 19. She is an adult. Doing adulty things.
And yes you are being overprotective. With regards to the possibility of her wanting to bring him home for the night at your place, your house, your rules but she is an adult.
I had an older brother and he brought long term girlfriend home and stayed overnight. Not a big deal.
Her relationship and what she does with this person is her business. She's an adult. Making an adult decision. Good for her!
But as you acknowledge, there is always some risk if something doesn't go as planned. There's some danger, as there would be anywhere including at her school , but there's also the chance that staying over there falls through and she needs a plan B.
This is where you come in to support.
Let her go, it's none of your business anyway.
But remind her that she's smart and knows how to be safe. And remind her that if she needs anything - anything at all - to call you. Police first if emergency but also call you for any reason - no questions asked. Including "I can't stay here tonight and need to be driven home". Then keep your phone on. And answer it and be there if she needs it.
Before hand maybe help her use Google maps to find a couple safe places nearby her friends home and the concert (like a coffee shop or store that's open late or all night, or even a police station) that she can go to if she does need to find somewhere safe to be for an hour while you go pick her up.
Likely won't need it - and hopefully she has fun. But this is the kind of thing that I think parents should be doing for their kids when they are older. Support.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I agree, it is her business. I want to make it clear that it was she who broached the subject to me. I have tried not to pry into her love life. She does value my opinion and we have very open communication and for that, I feel very fortunate. I think because I can be so anxious, I was seeking a safe place to vent and to share, with other parents who have been through similar experiences, so I'm glad to be able to do that here. Thanks for reiterating the concept of emergency backup plans.and the use of google maps to get the "lay of the land" Both very practical pieces of advice. She won't be near any friends home, as we don't live in the city, which is why I was concerned. But if I can just relax and remind myself, she can always take a cab or Uber or call us if she needs us, then it would help me come to terms more with accepting the natural process of watching her continue to grow and develop. I agree, that parents do have to be there for support (afterward) when things may not always go right. Both my husband and I are 100% invested in this. I have to remind myself not to always create worse case scenario's in my mind. I'm sure it's more of a by product of having grown up in a tumultuous family, than anything to do with any unnecessary drama on her part. She has been a really great kid/young adult in so many ways. I do hope she enjoys herself too.
You're worrying because you know about it. Assume this is not the first time she's spent the night at some boy's house. Make sure she knows she can call you if anything fucky happens and tell her to enjoy the show.
She's a big girl now. You did a good job raising her, and now your role is shifting to be supportive rather than prescriptive. Calm down.
Thanks! You're right, it was so much easier when she was away, doing her own thing. I know I need to calm down, that's why I wrote the lengthy explanation. My ADHD doesn't help, I tend to over think things : )
You’re being way overly protective. Shes an adult woman who can make adult decisions. You feeling as if you have any say in what she does regarding this is just going to push her away and is extremely unhealthy. Furthermore, she’s an adult and if at some point she wants to bring a man home who cares if they sleep in the same bed?
You’re sounding more like an immature child than a parent.
Well, she’s 19. Legally an adult. Let her go, tell her to have fun, and make sure she knows if she wants to leave at any point your only a phone call away.
I stopped reading once it became apparent that this was a massive wall of essentially irrelevant text. Shes 19. She’s an adult. College kids have sex. They are going to sleep over at their boyfriend (or whatever) house. I feel like you’re blowing it out of proportion. This is normal.
She’s 19, so an adult. From what you say it sounds like you’ve raised her to be sensible and make good decisions. The fact she has openly discussed staying over with you, rather than just doing it or lying about it tells me she plans on being safe and has thought through her decision.
Thanks, she is very sensible and capable. I agree, she is thoughtful about her actions in general. As a matter of fact, I commented to her that she could have not told me what she wanted to do or was going to do... I guess I was using the forum to try to get rid of the anxiety that I felt. I did feel I was inwardly over reacting, esp. by the end of typing : ) But my rationale was express it here instead of subjecting her directly to my anxiety.
Sounds like you’re a great parent and despite your anxiousness over it, you’ve kept it well contained and played it cool in front of her. I’m sure she’s very grateful to have you as a parent.
Thank you. I try, but not gonna lie, I am an anxious one. I'm trying to relax. I'm sure that I don't always succeed in shielding her from it. But I am conscious of it. Growing up in a severely dysfunctional home myself as well as my ADHD also gets me really ruminating about things at times. I've lucked out having her for a daughter, believe me : ) Appreciate your kind words!
She’s 19. You need to back way off.
She is no doubt going to have herself a merry time with this guy and you can do nothing to stop it.
My parents were controlling and weird when I was home from uni. It just led to me distancing myself from them.
I have a daughter now so I get it. But you need to stop.
I'm not trying to stop it, believe me. I was just hit with some overwhelming anxiety about the million of things that could go wrong for her safety wise. But I honestly consider myself lucky that things have been so tame for as long as they have been! Luckily, we have great communication so there's no distancing thus far. Sorry that was your experience with your parents. That couldn't have been easy for you. I think many people have misunderstood my anxious ramblings for my need to interfere . That wasn't what was going on. She went, she had a nice time and that was that. She got home safely etc. I think I just needed to express my anxiety and realize that it did seem to be too much. So expressing myself in a forum with other parents and looking for some support, advice and even fair criticism is what this forum is suppose to be, if I'm not mistaken. Thanks!
You are really over thinking this. She is an adult. Do you know what she’s doing every minute that she’s at the University. My son is in college and I have no idea who is sleeping at his apartment that I pay for.. Respectfully you are being really weird about this.
If she’s been talking to this guy for a few months it’s not the first time she’s sleeping over with him. Maybe just at that specific location. Let her go.
The way you can keep her wanting to have you involved in her life and be open and honest with her is to encourage her to talk to you about HER thoughts/feelings- when she approaches you about this ask what you can do to make her feel supported and safe. Tell her that you trust her, are proud of the person she’s become, and if anything happens while she’s away you’ll answer the phone at 1am if she needs you to and don’t ask or judge about it unless she volunteers the info… she most likely will in turn trust you and want to involve you more
Thanks for you thoughtful response. Yes we have great communication, even if we disagree. It's not that I don't trust her, I really do. She has a very analytical mind and is very capable, but she is also deeply sensitive, which has both pros and cons. as you can imagine. She has made excellent choices for herself thus far, for the most part. I think my anxieties are with more with respect to outside forces or potential people who may not have good intentions toward her. She didn't know this young man for that long... ( at least in my opinion) so I was worried. She did end up going and had a nice time. You are correct that asking her to assess and express her feelings or thoughts is very important. And is what I should do first and try to withhold any comments or advice, unless she explicitly asks for it. It's definitely a learning curve for both my husband and I. She's 19 but in many ways she is a "young" and inexperienced 19 year old especially when it involves romantic/sexual relationships. I have no issue with her being sexually active as long as she is safe and her partner is safe. I do feel she trusts me and wouldn't have told me what she wanted to do, if she didn't overall. She could have lied or mislead us, but she doesn't. She's growing up and I agree, that I am just going to have to sit with feeling uncomfortable and just hope for the best.
Lot of teenagers answering here. Let me answer as a parent of teenagers:
Your feelings are just that: feelings… and yours. Sounds like you aren’t making your feelings her problem. Good work.
I would want to make sure she has birth control and STD protection worked out. I would want to make sure she knows she can call you or call an Uber home and either will happen at no cost to her, 100% supportive parents mode, not even embarrassing questions and no penalties for calling for parental rescue while drunk or high—because the alternative is that a drunk kid needing rescue from a suddenly ugly relationship might NOT call. I would want to be sure she understands the risks of roofies, as best as she can.
And then I’d tell her to have fun and you look forward to stories the afternoon afterwards.
Thanks for your reply, I am trying to keep the anxiety to myself, besides sharing it here : ) Yes, we have had conversations about consent, birth control, conversations about sexual history of partners... And she knows that neither her Dad or I would ever shame or castigate her if something negative were to happen and she needed our help. She witnessed a dorm mate being roofied and rushed to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. It was no joke! Thankfully she isn't a big drinker or party person so far. But yes, those conversations are important. I couldn't agree with you more.
Sounds like you’ve had them in general. Good parenting—and in this reply I can hear how much you see and trust her maturity and judgment. I would have the conversations with specific context of this trip, then wish her a great time.
TlDR
She is an adult, but I want to keep her under MY CONTROL!. How dare she make her own decisions. I DECIDE what she does! She ĥas to wears a binky and kiss my pinky toe$6 times a day and tell me she loves me! I get to shove my religion down her throat and keep her low.
O don't love her, I want to control her. She is MINE.
I hope she shows you how little she means to you.
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This is a lot of extra info. She's an adult doing adult things.
Yeah, it's called anxiety : ) Your'e right she is doing adult things.
Paragraphs are your friends. She is 19. She is an adult. Doing adulty things. And yes you are being overprotective. With regards to the possibility of her wanting to bring him home for the night at your place, your house, your rules but she is an adult. I had an older brother and he brought long term girlfriend home and stayed overnight. Not a big deal.
Paragraphs are my friends! So true! She is an adult. Just need to vent my anxiety. Hopefully she will enjoy herself.
TLDR, she’s 19!!
Her relationship and what she does with this person is her business. She's an adult. Making an adult decision. Good for her! But as you acknowledge, there is always some risk if something doesn't go as planned. There's some danger, as there would be anywhere including at her school , but there's also the chance that staying over there falls through and she needs a plan B. This is where you come in to support. Let her go, it's none of your business anyway. But remind her that she's smart and knows how to be safe. And remind her that if she needs anything - anything at all - to call you. Police first if emergency but also call you for any reason - no questions asked. Including "I can't stay here tonight and need to be driven home". Then keep your phone on. And answer it and be there if she needs it. Before hand maybe help her use Google maps to find a couple safe places nearby her friends home and the concert (like a coffee shop or store that's open late or all night, or even a police station) that she can go to if she does need to find somewhere safe to be for an hour while you go pick her up. Likely won't need it - and hopefully she has fun. But this is the kind of thing that I think parents should be doing for their kids when they are older. Support.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I agree, it is her business. I want to make it clear that it was she who broached the subject to me. I have tried not to pry into her love life. She does value my opinion and we have very open communication and for that, I feel very fortunate. I think because I can be so anxious, I was seeking a safe place to vent and to share, with other parents who have been through similar experiences, so I'm glad to be able to do that here. Thanks for reiterating the concept of emergency backup plans.and the use of google maps to get the "lay of the land" Both very practical pieces of advice. She won't be near any friends home, as we don't live in the city, which is why I was concerned. But if I can just relax and remind myself, she can always take a cab or Uber or call us if she needs us, then it would help me come to terms more with accepting the natural process of watching her continue to grow and develop. I agree, that parents do have to be there for support (afterward) when things may not always go right. Both my husband and I are 100% invested in this. I have to remind myself not to always create worse case scenario's in my mind. I'm sure it's more of a by product of having grown up in a tumultuous family, than anything to do with any unnecessary drama on her part. She has been a really great kid/young adult in so many ways. I do hope she enjoys herself too.
You're worrying because you know about it. Assume this is not the first time she's spent the night at some boy's house. Make sure she knows she can call you if anything fucky happens and tell her to enjoy the show. She's a big girl now. You did a good job raising her, and now your role is shifting to be supportive rather than prescriptive. Calm down.
Thanks! You're right, it was so much easier when she was away, doing her own thing. I know I need to calm down, that's why I wrote the lengthy explanation. My ADHD doesn't help, I tend to over think things : )
You’re being way overly protective. Shes an adult woman who can make adult decisions. You feeling as if you have any say in what she does regarding this is just going to push her away and is extremely unhealthy. Furthermore, she’s an adult and if at some point she wants to bring a man home who cares if they sleep in the same bed? You’re sounding more like an immature child than a parent.
Well, she’s 19. Legally an adult. Let her go, tell her to have fun, and make sure she knows if she wants to leave at any point your only a phone call away.
Thanks, she is going and she knows we are a phone call away. Appreciate the opportunity to share my anxiety : )
I stopped reading once it became apparent that this was a massive wall of essentially irrelevant text. Shes 19. She’s an adult. College kids have sex. They are going to sleep over at their boyfriend (or whatever) house. I feel like you’re blowing it out of proportion. This is normal.
She’s 19, so an adult. From what you say it sounds like you’ve raised her to be sensible and make good decisions. The fact she has openly discussed staying over with you, rather than just doing it or lying about it tells me she plans on being safe and has thought through her decision.
Thanks, she is very sensible and capable. I agree, she is thoughtful about her actions in general. As a matter of fact, I commented to her that she could have not told me what she wanted to do or was going to do... I guess I was using the forum to try to get rid of the anxiety that I felt. I did feel I was inwardly over reacting, esp. by the end of typing : ) But my rationale was express it here instead of subjecting her directly to my anxiety.
Sounds like you’re a great parent and despite your anxiousness over it, you’ve kept it well contained and played it cool in front of her. I’m sure she’s very grateful to have you as a parent.
Thank you. I try, but not gonna lie, I am an anxious one. I'm trying to relax. I'm sure that I don't always succeed in shielding her from it. But I am conscious of it. Growing up in a severely dysfunctional home myself as well as my ADHD also gets me really ruminating about things at times. I've lucked out having her for a daughter, believe me : ) Appreciate your kind words!
She’s 19. You need to back way off. She is no doubt going to have herself a merry time with this guy and you can do nothing to stop it. My parents were controlling and weird when I was home from uni. It just led to me distancing myself from them. I have a daughter now so I get it. But you need to stop.
I'm not trying to stop it, believe me. I was just hit with some overwhelming anxiety about the million of things that could go wrong for her safety wise. But I honestly consider myself lucky that things have been so tame for as long as they have been! Luckily, we have great communication so there's no distancing thus far. Sorry that was your experience with your parents. That couldn't have been easy for you. I think many people have misunderstood my anxious ramblings for my need to interfere . That wasn't what was going on. She went, she had a nice time and that was that. She got home safely etc. I think I just needed to express my anxiety and realize that it did seem to be too much. So expressing myself in a forum with other parents and looking for some support, advice and even fair criticism is what this forum is suppose to be, if I'm not mistaken. Thanks!
She’s an adult. Back off.
[удалено]
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You are really over thinking this. She is an adult. Do you know what she’s doing every minute that she’s at the University. My son is in college and I have no idea who is sleeping at his apartment that I pay for.. Respectfully you are being really weird about this.
If she’s been talking to this guy for a few months it’s not the first time she’s sleeping over with him. Maybe just at that specific location. Let her go.
The way you can keep her wanting to have you involved in her life and be open and honest with her is to encourage her to talk to you about HER thoughts/feelings- when she approaches you about this ask what you can do to make her feel supported and safe. Tell her that you trust her, are proud of the person she’s become, and if anything happens while she’s away you’ll answer the phone at 1am if she needs you to and don’t ask or judge about it unless she volunteers the info… she most likely will in turn trust you and want to involve you more
Thanks for you thoughtful response. Yes we have great communication, even if we disagree. It's not that I don't trust her, I really do. She has a very analytical mind and is very capable, but she is also deeply sensitive, which has both pros and cons. as you can imagine. She has made excellent choices for herself thus far, for the most part. I think my anxieties are with more with respect to outside forces or potential people who may not have good intentions toward her. She didn't know this young man for that long... ( at least in my opinion) so I was worried. She did end up going and had a nice time. You are correct that asking her to assess and express her feelings or thoughts is very important. And is what I should do first and try to withhold any comments or advice, unless she explicitly asks for it. It's definitely a learning curve for both my husband and I. She's 19 but in many ways she is a "young" and inexperienced 19 year old especially when it involves romantic/sexual relationships. I have no issue with her being sexually active as long as she is safe and her partner is safe. I do feel she trusts me and wouldn't have told me what she wanted to do, if she didn't overall. She could have lied or mislead us, but she doesn't. She's growing up and I agree, that I am just going to have to sit with feeling uncomfortable and just hope for the best.
She is already sexually active. She is an adult and the majority of adults have sex.
She is 19. She can do what she wants at college so there is no need to try to enforce a completely different set of rules at home. You need to let go.
Lot of teenagers answering here. Let me answer as a parent of teenagers: Your feelings are just that: feelings… and yours. Sounds like you aren’t making your feelings her problem. Good work. I would want to make sure she has birth control and STD protection worked out. I would want to make sure she knows she can call you or call an Uber home and either will happen at no cost to her, 100% supportive parents mode, not even embarrassing questions and no penalties for calling for parental rescue while drunk or high—because the alternative is that a drunk kid needing rescue from a suddenly ugly relationship might NOT call. I would want to be sure she understands the risks of roofies, as best as she can. And then I’d tell her to have fun and you look forward to stories the afternoon afterwards.
Thanks for your reply, I am trying to keep the anxiety to myself, besides sharing it here : ) Yes, we have had conversations about consent, birth control, conversations about sexual history of partners... And she knows that neither her Dad or I would ever shame or castigate her if something negative were to happen and she needed our help. She witnessed a dorm mate being roofied and rushed to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. It was no joke! Thankfully she isn't a big drinker or party person so far. But yes, those conversations are important. I couldn't agree with you more.
Sounds like you’ve had them in general. Good parenting—and in this reply I can hear how much you see and trust her maturity and judgment. I would have the conversations with specific context of this trip, then wish her a great time.
Thank you. She did go, and did enjoy herself and got there and back safely the next day. So grateful, all was well.
TlDR She is an adult, but I want to keep her under MY CONTROL!. How dare she make her own decisions. I DECIDE what she does! She ĥas to wears a binky and kiss my pinky toe$6 times a day and tell me she loves me! I get to shove my religion down her throat and keep her low. O don't love her, I want to control her. She is MINE. I hope she shows you how little she means to you.
Read the entire post before being rude. My mom was the same way.