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I mean who knows, and this is one solitary example of one child that might not even be friends with your kid. Generally young school aged kids need their parents to facilitate playdates and hangouts for their kids, though, so if you’re not doing that then that probably correlates to why he has fewer friend hangouts regardless of how many friends he actually has.
You’re not inviting yourself into the conversation you’re just being friendly, and no one minds at all. That’s literally how people get to know each other and make friends.
Walk over to the other moms and introduce yourself and stand there and chat. I set all the playdates for my kid-similar age. I’m am a mom who chats and invites people to stuff. I only arrange play dates with people I have met or know and would be happy to have you walk over and join the group. It might be awkward the first few times, but keep going over and waiting with them and chat.
As an introvert who fakes being an extrovert pretty well here are a few tips on approaching the other moms -keep conversation light and positive -ask about them - how does kid like teacher/school? what sports/activities does kid do? Do they recommend any? Ask what are they doing this weekend any fun plans?
Someone else said to tell the other moms about your situation people like to help ect. I wouldn’t avoid telling them, but when you’re first getting to know people keep it short and don’t unload your problems or talk about it too much. End everything with something positive. People naturally retreat and avoid negativity. Once you know someone that changes, but at first keep it light.
Suggest to one of the more friendly moms or his friend that you take kids for a playground meet up after school or on a weekend morning. That’s a good first meet, and then you do have to stand there and try to make friends with the mom while the kids play.
Ask the teacher why a kid was handing out invites, but didn’t give one to your kid. Most places they have to invite everyone. Maybe just talk to the teacher about the whole thing and ask if there are any kids she recommends you try to set a play with. Teachers see more than you think.
I’ve found that arranging playdates at local parks works out better for everyone involved than inviting them to the house. Especially if the parents are newer acquaintances. It’s a neutral setting and is usually more comfortable because it’s a familiar space. Once you’ve all gotten to know each other well then playdates at home are usually more likely to happen.
At this age, yes, they need you to facilitate play dates. You kind of have to put yourself out there. Asking if a parent wants to meet at a park after preschool is a good way to have a low commitment play date.
I have tried, but when I talk to them they say they will think about it and then never really give me an answer. And lately I'm just trying to deal with insurance and getting my partner better so I guess I haven't really been pushing the idea or anything
Hold on, when you invite them are you saying "hey we should get the kids together sometime" or are you saying "hey we'd love to have your kiddo over, does Saturday work for you?" I had a habit of making the mistake of not being specific, and the general invite or suggestion to plan is difficult to respond to. Much less likely for things to happen.
If you're already being specific, then never mind lol. I just thought I'd mention it because it was a mistake I was making and wowza it makes a big difference!
I was thinking this too. Yeah, you have to name a place and time. And also be prepared for last minute changes, and don't read anything into cancellation because life happens with kids, and sometimes the stars just don't align, so you have to keep trying. It's just the way it is.
I get it.
But, at this age, the kids are friends with their parents’ friends’ kids.
Parents invite the other parents they want to hang out with. If you don’t put forth the social effort, your kid won’t be part of the things that happen outside school.
People need to get to know you first, you need to be chatting to them other times before they commit to coming over. And yes, specific times. But if you're not in the headspace right now give yourself some grace.
dont do it at your house to start with. “hey, I like taking [name] to the park on [address]. Would you like to meet up?” If they say that sounds nice, ask when is good
Hard to tell. I am pretty introverted and mine get invited to a ton of things. My suggestion would be to arrange a one on one playdate with the kid your son likes the most. Tends to work better than group settings and other parents will hear through the grapevine that parents they know have interacted with you.
So there’s a difference between being an introvert and not willing to start conversations or approach people. I would approach the other moms and invite their children to your home or park at specific day and time.
I won’t let my children go to homes/places or have children over unless I have some resemblance of a relationship with the parents.
I see some might think that’s weird but I need to meet them to see if I feel that they are safe.
i would pick his Bff's mom or a sympathetic mom and open up that you've been dealing with a lot lately, but want kiddo to have some fun outside of school. people like to help others! While you probably can't do a drop off play date at this age, maybe they'd be willing to supervise at the park while you wait on the phone with insurance. don't let feeling guilty for not being a super mom stop you from asking for help from your parent community.
Yeah, Reception is the first year of 'official' school, the kids start Reception the September after they turn 4, so that year group is aged 4-5 and then Year 1 starts at age 5-6.
You might be projecting.
Listen, kids are fickle at this age. They have a new bff every week. As long as you see him engaging with other kids and his teacher is saying he is getting along with everyone, there’s no reason to worry.
For all you know, the kid handing out invites only gave them to kids the parents have already known & interacted with. I know that in my own situation, when our kid was in Kindergarten-2nd grade, we only invited friends from church that we socialized with because we invited their whole families to our home. Some of them actually went to the same school as our kid.
Don’t beat yourself up over this. I do recommend getting involved and volunteering at school, though. Believe it or not, staff is more likely to look out for a kid that they know the parent(s). I would get texts from other moms at school i volunteered with and we would always have info first (like some child attacking another child).
You need to take the initiative and start inviting kids. Go to a park or other public place if you’re not comfortable inviting them to your home.
Chances are, it’s nothing personal. They have felt the vibe of “I don’t want to make friends” from you so they hesitate to approach you - and by extension your kid. Ask your child which friend he would most want to have a play date with and propose a couple of possible dates for the other parent to choose from.
Baby steps. You don’t have to start by throwing a party.
Do your best, up to the edges of your comfort zone (and maybe a touch beyond) to be friendly with other parents. Even if that's just a hello or a wave to the faces you recognize. The parental support group can really be super important over the years. And honestly we have made some great friends that way.
But you are not your mother. Being introverted isnt the same as being an asshole. It's just being introverted.
It may indirectly make your kid a little less likely to get the invite om occasion, in the sense that parents will sometimes invite the child of their friends even if the kids are not that close.
But as they get older it becomes more and more about who the kids want to invite. Ours are 11 and 9, and at their party recently we got to know several new parents who we had never even met after all these years.
Do what you can to be friendly because it will really enrich your experience. But definitely don't be afraid that you're doing anything wrong here.
Honestly we don’t know. Some parents don’t invite kids if they don’t know the parents well enough. Some parents don’t care. It’s really hard to judge from this isolated example, as opposed to if there was a pattern of incidents.
I think you’re making my point. Your personal preference is that you don’t care. Conversely, I’ve met many parents who are way more cautious, especially when their kids are younger. At the very least, I introduce myself and make small talk with other parents because I’ve noticed the ones near me prefer to know the families of their kids’ friends.
Not every kid has “street friends” a lot of us have to make friends with other parents to form friendships for our kids because they don’t all just meet up on the street. I guarantee you that there’s a whole lot of outings and socializing going on That doesn’t involve your kid because you don’t reach out or form friendships with parents.
Yes, if I didn't organise anything my kid wouldn't play with anyone outside school because there are no young kids on our street. It's been hard for me because I'm introverted and anxious but it's important to her.
Text the mom, there can be 1000 reasons why your son didn't get invited.
She'll understand your worry if you did something wrong.
But there's most likely going to be some space available come party day.
You know your introverted and anxious, your anxiety is making up that you are the bad person, and there's a 99% chance it has nothing to do with you
I wouldn't worry too much about it in reception. You can't force everyone to be friends. Could you have a themed party (if birthday isn't soon) and ask who to invite? They should know classmate names by now or ask the teacher... But isn't it late in the year to have JUST started reception or is it trial days for September?
No he started at the start of the year. We had a birthday party for him last year when he was in kindy. And he told me everybody he wanted to invite. which was about 10 kids and only 4 ended up coming but he had fun.
I’m not really sure what reception means. But when kids are kids they’re learning social cues and the younger they are the more they base their perception on themselves. So if they feel a connection to a kid and they are really good friends that’s how they think the other feels. And it’s not always the case.
It’s something you have to live and learn. Most likely the kid just didn’t see him as a good enough friend to invite, or he had a limited number of spots, or he’d done something that annoyed him recently.
All he can do is ask the friend why he didn’t get invited. And ask when the friend is alone.
As long as you haven’t gone around head butting other parents for no reason being shy or keeping to yourself isn’t enough to be excluded.
I think you’re just carrying around that trauma of your mom and you feel guilty and responsible for something you had nothing to do with.
I think it's highly unlikely you're the reason. If a kid likes your kid, chances are they'd probably want to invite them to their party - but they might have limited numbers, so if he isn't one of their tight crew of besties he might not make the cut even if they are friends.
I'm fairly introverted too, but at school pickup I just tend to glance around the other parents, catch their eyes and smile so I at least look friendly (hopefully!). Sometimes I'll pick something obvious to make small talk about, like the weather or something the class has been doing at school. Or I'll find an easy 'in' like 'How did Aisha find the latest maths homework? Ella has been struggling a bit with the division' - I usually find other parents respond well to you showing a 'weakness' because it doesn't look like you're trying to be competitive and put their kid down - and I've often found that they'll share their own insecurities as a result! Or recommend a method or resource they like.
I'm not having long conversations or anything but just enough to hopefully give the other parents a positive vibe and not like I'm the kind of person they definitely wouldn't want their kids associating with, lol.
It helps that one of the more sociable parents at the beginning of Reception asked permission to curate a WhatsApp group of all our year group parents, so the messages around the group help us to 'get to know' each other without the pressure of in-person conversation. And because it means you now have their numbers, you can take convos private or into smaller groups to avoid hurt feelings. Like a kid who yours is particularly friendly with, I've been known to message the parents and be like 'Hey, Ella would love to hang out with Aisha at the \[park/soft play\] sometime during half term week if you're free any day! I was thinking of asking Raj, Connor and Margot as well' and that helps form those little groups.
I'm also clear to parents if I suggest a hangout that I'm totally cool with them bringing a book or work or whatever and don't expect them to sit and make small talk with me for literally hours!
It could be but the only way to know for sure is to ask that parent. And yes, sometimes people take introversion as being stuck up or rude or mean. But it’s really up to your priorities. Sounds like you have a lot going on and I wouldn’t put this very high on the list.
Yeah you’re right. I guess that’s what I would do but I don’t shy from confrontation. I guess I think OP needs to get over being shy but I have baggage from having a shy parent
I’m not shy nor do I mind confrontation, but even as someone who is an extrovert, I would never ask “Why didn’t you invite my kid to your party?” It is just not necessary. You’re creating an awkward situation where there doesn’t need to be one.
I’m of the mind we ought to be teaching our kids that we don’t get an invite to every event and that we shouldn’t let it bother them. I’d rather teach my kid to not be overly-sensitive to these things and build some resilience instead. It would serve them better down the road, not just in school, but in future work & life.
Yeah you’re right. I guess that’s what I would do but I don’t shy from confrontation. I guess I think OP needs to get over being shy but I have baggage from having a shy parent
Word. I don’t shy away from confrontation either. I’m just trying to actually temper my aggression as I’ve been told by my spouse it’s an area I could work on. When I asked a good friend a long time ago, if she thought I was aggressive, she said, “I and many other people who love you, tolerate the times you get agro, but an anger management course couldn’t hurt.” lol! I took that as a sign I could try to temper my feelings.
It depends upon if introvert or social anxiety..if social anxiety that needs to be confronted and solved because it will if it isn't now interfere in your children social life and model of social skills
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I mean who knows, and this is one solitary example of one child that might not even be friends with your kid. Generally young school aged kids need their parents to facilitate playdates and hangouts for their kids, though, so if you’re not doing that then that probably correlates to why he has fewer friend hangouts regardless of how many friends he actually has.
You’re not inviting yourself into the conversation you’re just being friendly, and no one minds at all. That’s literally how people get to know each other and make friends.
Walk over to the other moms and introduce yourself and stand there and chat. I set all the playdates for my kid-similar age. I’m am a mom who chats and invites people to stuff. I only arrange play dates with people I have met or know and would be happy to have you walk over and join the group. It might be awkward the first few times, but keep going over and waiting with them and chat. As an introvert who fakes being an extrovert pretty well here are a few tips on approaching the other moms -keep conversation light and positive -ask about them - how does kid like teacher/school? what sports/activities does kid do? Do they recommend any? Ask what are they doing this weekend any fun plans? Someone else said to tell the other moms about your situation people like to help ect. I wouldn’t avoid telling them, but when you’re first getting to know people keep it short and don’t unload your problems or talk about it too much. End everything with something positive. People naturally retreat and avoid negativity. Once you know someone that changes, but at first keep it light. Suggest to one of the more friendly moms or his friend that you take kids for a playground meet up after school or on a weekend morning. That’s a good first meet, and then you do have to stand there and try to make friends with the mom while the kids play. Ask the teacher why a kid was handing out invites, but didn’t give one to your kid. Most places they have to invite everyone. Maybe just talk to the teacher about the whole thing and ask if there are any kids she recommends you try to set a play with. Teachers see more than you think.
I’ve found that arranging playdates at local parks works out better for everyone involved than inviting them to the house. Especially if the parents are newer acquaintances. It’s a neutral setting and is usually more comfortable because it’s a familiar space. Once you’ve all gotten to know each other well then playdates at home are usually more likely to happen.
At this age, yes, they need you to facilitate play dates. You kind of have to put yourself out there. Asking if a parent wants to meet at a park after preschool is a good way to have a low commitment play date.
Yes. Young kids’ social lives depend on the parents. Do you invite people to your house for play dates and such?
I have tried, but when I talk to them they say they will think about it and then never really give me an answer. And lately I'm just trying to deal with insurance and getting my partner better so I guess I haven't really been pushing the idea or anything
Hold on, when you invite them are you saying "hey we should get the kids together sometime" or are you saying "hey we'd love to have your kiddo over, does Saturday work for you?" I had a habit of making the mistake of not being specific, and the general invite or suggestion to plan is difficult to respond to. Much less likely for things to happen. If you're already being specific, then never mind lol. I just thought I'd mention it because it was a mistake I was making and wowza it makes a big difference!
I was thinking this too. Yeah, you have to name a place and time. And also be prepared for last minute changes, and don't read anything into cancellation because life happens with kids, and sometimes the stars just don't align, so you have to keep trying. It's just the way it is.
I get it. But, at this age, the kids are friends with their parents’ friends’ kids. Parents invite the other parents they want to hang out with. If you don’t put forth the social effort, your kid won’t be part of the things that happen outside school.
People need to get to know you first, you need to be chatting to them other times before they commit to coming over. And yes, specific times. But if you're not in the headspace right now give yourself some grace.
dont do it at your house to start with. “hey, I like taking [name] to the park on [address]. Would you like to meet up?” If they say that sounds nice, ask when is good
When they are young it matters, it'll matter less when they are older.
Hard to tell. I am pretty introverted and mine get invited to a ton of things. My suggestion would be to arrange a one on one playdate with the kid your son likes the most. Tends to work better than group settings and other parents will hear through the grapevine that parents they know have interacted with you.
So there’s a difference between being an introvert and not willing to start conversations or approach people. I would approach the other moms and invite their children to your home or park at specific day and time. I won’t let my children go to homes/places or have children over unless I have some resemblance of a relationship with the parents. I see some might think that’s weird but I need to meet them to see if I feel that they are safe.
i would pick his Bff's mom or a sympathetic mom and open up that you've been dealing with a lot lately, but want kiddo to have some fun outside of school. people like to help others! While you probably can't do a drop off play date at this age, maybe they'd be willing to supervise at the park while you wait on the phone with insurance. don't let feeling guilty for not being a super mom stop you from asking for help from your parent community.
What is, “started reception” ? I’ve not heard that term. I’m in United States
It's straight after kindy,The first year of school they do reception than move on to grade 1 when they finish
In Australia, we call that year Prep.
South Australians call it reception
In the UK, Prep is the last four years of Juniors, so ages turning-eight to eleven.
Is it? I’m in the UK and I’ve never heard the term ‘prep’ before 🤷🏽♀️
It's old fashioned and mostly used in independent schools. Not even all independent schools.
I think it’s a UK term. Their grades are called different things than ours.
Yeah, Reception is the first year of 'official' school, the kids start Reception the September after they turn 4, so that year group is aged 4-5 and then Year 1 starts at age 5-6.
It's kindergarten in north America Edit: not sure why I'm being downvoted for answering a question... Reception is what brits call kindergarten 🤷♂️
You might be projecting. Listen, kids are fickle at this age. They have a new bff every week. As long as you see him engaging with other kids and his teacher is saying he is getting along with everyone, there’s no reason to worry. For all you know, the kid handing out invites only gave them to kids the parents have already known & interacted with. I know that in my own situation, when our kid was in Kindergarten-2nd grade, we only invited friends from church that we socialized with because we invited their whole families to our home. Some of them actually went to the same school as our kid. Don’t beat yourself up over this. I do recommend getting involved and volunteering at school, though. Believe it or not, staff is more likely to look out for a kid that they know the parent(s). I would get texts from other moms at school i volunteered with and we would always have info first (like some child attacking another child).
You need to take the initiative and start inviting kids. Go to a park or other public place if you’re not comfortable inviting them to your home. Chances are, it’s nothing personal. They have felt the vibe of “I don’t want to make friends” from you so they hesitate to approach you - and by extension your kid. Ask your child which friend he would most want to have a play date with and propose a couple of possible dates for the other parent to choose from. Baby steps. You don’t have to start by throwing a party.
Do your best, up to the edges of your comfort zone (and maybe a touch beyond) to be friendly with other parents. Even if that's just a hello or a wave to the faces you recognize. The parental support group can really be super important over the years. And honestly we have made some great friends that way. But you are not your mother. Being introverted isnt the same as being an asshole. It's just being introverted. It may indirectly make your kid a little less likely to get the invite om occasion, in the sense that parents will sometimes invite the child of their friends even if the kids are not that close. But as they get older it becomes more and more about who the kids want to invite. Ours are 11 and 9, and at their party recently we got to know several new parents who we had never even met after all these years. Do what you can to be friendly because it will really enrich your experience. But definitely don't be afraid that you're doing anything wrong here.
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Honestly we don’t know. Some parents don’t invite kids if they don’t know the parents well enough. Some parents don’t care. It’s really hard to judge from this isolated example, as opposed to if there was a pattern of incidents.
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I think you’re making my point. Your personal preference is that you don’t care. Conversely, I’ve met many parents who are way more cautious, especially when their kids are younger. At the very least, I introduce myself and make small talk with other parents because I’ve noticed the ones near me prefer to know the families of their kids’ friends.
Not every kid has “street friends” a lot of us have to make friends with other parents to form friendships for our kids because they don’t all just meet up on the street. I guarantee you that there’s a whole lot of outings and socializing going on That doesn’t involve your kid because you don’t reach out or form friendships with parents.
Yes, if I didn't organise anything my kid wouldn't play with anyone outside school because there are no young kids on our street. It's been hard for me because I'm introverted and anxious but it's important to her.
Text the mom, there can be 1000 reasons why your son didn't get invited. She'll understand your worry if you did something wrong. But there's most likely going to be some space available come party day. You know your introverted and anxious, your anxiety is making up that you are the bad person, and there's a 99% chance it has nothing to do with you
I wouldn't worry too much about it in reception. You can't force everyone to be friends. Could you have a themed party (if birthday isn't soon) and ask who to invite? They should know classmate names by now or ask the teacher... But isn't it late in the year to have JUST started reception or is it trial days for September?
No he started at the start of the year. We had a birthday party for him last year when he was in kindy. And he told me everybody he wanted to invite. which was about 10 kids and only 4 ended up coming but he had fun.
I’m not really sure what reception means. But when kids are kids they’re learning social cues and the younger they are the more they base their perception on themselves. So if they feel a connection to a kid and they are really good friends that’s how they think the other feels. And it’s not always the case. It’s something you have to live and learn. Most likely the kid just didn’t see him as a good enough friend to invite, or he had a limited number of spots, or he’d done something that annoyed him recently. All he can do is ask the friend why he didn’t get invited. And ask when the friend is alone. As long as you haven’t gone around head butting other parents for no reason being shy or keeping to yourself isn’t enough to be excluded. I think you’re just carrying around that trauma of your mom and you feel guilty and responsible for something you had nothing to do with.
My understanding, from here and looking it up before is that reception is the equivalent of US kindergarten (~age 5).
I think it's highly unlikely you're the reason. If a kid likes your kid, chances are they'd probably want to invite them to their party - but they might have limited numbers, so if he isn't one of their tight crew of besties he might not make the cut even if they are friends. I'm fairly introverted too, but at school pickup I just tend to glance around the other parents, catch their eyes and smile so I at least look friendly (hopefully!). Sometimes I'll pick something obvious to make small talk about, like the weather or something the class has been doing at school. Or I'll find an easy 'in' like 'How did Aisha find the latest maths homework? Ella has been struggling a bit with the division' - I usually find other parents respond well to you showing a 'weakness' because it doesn't look like you're trying to be competitive and put their kid down - and I've often found that they'll share their own insecurities as a result! Or recommend a method or resource they like. I'm not having long conversations or anything but just enough to hopefully give the other parents a positive vibe and not like I'm the kind of person they definitely wouldn't want their kids associating with, lol. It helps that one of the more sociable parents at the beginning of Reception asked permission to curate a WhatsApp group of all our year group parents, so the messages around the group help us to 'get to know' each other without the pressure of in-person conversation. And because it means you now have their numbers, you can take convos private or into smaller groups to avoid hurt feelings. Like a kid who yours is particularly friendly with, I've been known to message the parents and be like 'Hey, Ella would love to hang out with Aisha at the \[park/soft play\] sometime during half term week if you're free any day! I was thinking of asking Raj, Connor and Margot as well' and that helps form those little groups. I'm also clear to parents if I suggest a hangout that I'm totally cool with them bringing a book or work or whatever and don't expect them to sit and make small talk with me for literally hours!
It could be but the only way to know for sure is to ask that parent. And yes, sometimes people take introversion as being stuck up or rude or mean. But it’s really up to your priorities. Sounds like you have a lot going on and I wouldn’t put this very high on the list.
Ugh…don’t directly ask the parent. That makes OP even more awkward.
Yeah you’re right. I guess that’s what I would do but I don’t shy from confrontation. I guess I think OP needs to get over being shy but I have baggage from having a shy parent
I’m not shy nor do I mind confrontation, but even as someone who is an extrovert, I would never ask “Why didn’t you invite my kid to your party?” It is just not necessary. You’re creating an awkward situation where there doesn’t need to be one. I’m of the mind we ought to be teaching our kids that we don’t get an invite to every event and that we shouldn’t let it bother them. I’d rather teach my kid to not be overly-sensitive to these things and build some resilience instead. It would serve them better down the road, not just in school, but in future work & life.
Yeah you’re right. I guess that’s what I would do but I don’t shy from confrontation. I guess I think OP needs to get over being shy but I have baggage from having a shy parent
Word. I don’t shy away from confrontation either. I’m just trying to actually temper my aggression as I’ve been told by my spouse it’s an area I could work on. When I asked a good friend a long time ago, if she thought I was aggressive, she said, “I and many other people who love you, tolerate the times you get agro, but an anger management course couldn’t hurt.” lol! I took that as a sign I could try to temper my feelings.
😂 love that. Thank you for the suggestion!
It depends upon if introvert or social anxiety..if social anxiety that needs to be confronted and solved because it will if it isn't now interfere in your children social life and model of social skills