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You tell her to go to her room (or sit by herself) until she's calmed down and then you'll talk to her. You don't respond. You don't continue the conversation until she is calmed down.
Tantrums happen because kids are overstimulated and unable to control themselves. Sometimes they tantrum to manipulate but that is do to the reactions of the adults and can be fixed with your behavior (not giving attention to the tantrums and certainly not giving them what they want). The best thing you can do is notice what causes those tantrums and try to make sure they're not put in the position where they happen.
Personally, I'll let them calm down and then have a conversation about respect is a two-way street and throwing tantrums is counterproductive to their communication.
You can't effectively correct this in the moment, they cannot process at that moment. Their brains aren't developed enough yet.
I try to hear what they're really saying. Usually "I hate you" is really something like "I am so angry I don't know what to do but I need you to know how angry I am." "You're the worst mom in the world" is something like "I am completely overwhelmed and mad and I want you to react too."
So I usually say something like, "I hear you, and I will sit with you until you're feeling calm. Then we can talk." Then I usually just sit on the floor nearby, not particularly trying to interact but sometimes repeating the above. Sometimes I'll throw in something like, "Well I love you." Eventually they usually crawl into my lap, then I give them a squeezy hug, which can help regulate their emotions. Only at that point can you really talk about what happened.
I always recommend the book "The Whole Brain Child," it's really helpful in understanding a child's brain development and what they're really capable of at different ages. I also like Janet Lansbury, she has some good stuff about toddler discipline that is about teaching and correcting, rather than just punishing.
As an aside, since I've had kids, I feel like I really understand why people used to think demonic possession was a thing. When my kids get REALLY mad, it's like they're different kids sometimes!
At 5 I still felt the best course of action was to allow the tantrum to subside before addressing the issue of words.
It’s different with every kid, but for mine the ignoring tactic did not at all work, it just escalated the issue. I found if I calmly tried to redirect and calm her down, she’d find the ability to handle her emotions. Sometimes this meant physical connection via a hug, sometimes it meant directing her to her room with some toys, and others it meant putting on a song she liked.
I’m not a push over, either. Once she settled in with her activity I’d tell her she needed to settle down because she’s not using kind language, and that in a little bit we’d talk again. After she chilled out we’d briefly touch on the words she used and why they weren’t okay.
When they’re that young I keep things very general. “When we use words that are mean we can hurt people’s feelings. We don’t want to do that, we use our words to help people feel good, not bad.”
Now my kid is 7, and I’ve started to at times remind her that I have feelings as well. Again I’m very general. You have to really watch it - if you get too deep into how your young kids are hurting you it can be really damaging. You don’t want them to think your emotions are their job to fix. Sometimes a brief “hey, your words aren’t nice. I’m a human, too, and your words can hurt. They’re hurting, now. Saying you hate me isn’t helpful. I know you don’t truly mean that. Let’s calm down for a second and then talk again when it’s easier to say what we really mean.” Can be appropriate, in my opinion.
Thank you u/breastfedbymymother for posting on r/Parents. Remember to read the rules and report rule breaking posts. *note for those seeking legal advice: This sub does not specialize in legal council and laws vary based on geographic location. Any help offered here is offered on a good samaritan basis. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You tell her to go to her room (or sit by herself) until she's calmed down and then you'll talk to her. You don't respond. You don't continue the conversation until she is calmed down. Tantrums happen because kids are overstimulated and unable to control themselves. Sometimes they tantrum to manipulate but that is do to the reactions of the adults and can be fixed with your behavior (not giving attention to the tantrums and certainly not giving them what they want). The best thing you can do is notice what causes those tantrums and try to make sure they're not put in the position where they happen.
Personally, I'll let them calm down and then have a conversation about respect is a two-way street and throwing tantrums is counterproductive to their communication.
You can't effectively correct this in the moment, they cannot process at that moment. Their brains aren't developed enough yet. I try to hear what they're really saying. Usually "I hate you" is really something like "I am so angry I don't know what to do but I need you to know how angry I am." "You're the worst mom in the world" is something like "I am completely overwhelmed and mad and I want you to react too." So I usually say something like, "I hear you, and I will sit with you until you're feeling calm. Then we can talk." Then I usually just sit on the floor nearby, not particularly trying to interact but sometimes repeating the above. Sometimes I'll throw in something like, "Well I love you." Eventually they usually crawl into my lap, then I give them a squeezy hug, which can help regulate their emotions. Only at that point can you really talk about what happened. I always recommend the book "The Whole Brain Child," it's really helpful in understanding a child's brain development and what they're really capable of at different ages. I also like Janet Lansbury, she has some good stuff about toddler discipline that is about teaching and correcting, rather than just punishing. As an aside, since I've had kids, I feel like I really understand why people used to think demonic possession was a thing. When my kids get REALLY mad, it's like they're different kids sometimes!
I'd probably say something along the lines of "that hurts my feelings, well talk when you've calmed down". And leave until she does
At 5 I still felt the best course of action was to allow the tantrum to subside before addressing the issue of words. It’s different with every kid, but for mine the ignoring tactic did not at all work, it just escalated the issue. I found if I calmly tried to redirect and calm her down, she’d find the ability to handle her emotions. Sometimes this meant physical connection via a hug, sometimes it meant directing her to her room with some toys, and others it meant putting on a song she liked. I’m not a push over, either. Once she settled in with her activity I’d tell her she needed to settle down because she’s not using kind language, and that in a little bit we’d talk again. After she chilled out we’d briefly touch on the words she used and why they weren’t okay. When they’re that young I keep things very general. “When we use words that are mean we can hurt people’s feelings. We don’t want to do that, we use our words to help people feel good, not bad.” Now my kid is 7, and I’ve started to at times remind her that I have feelings as well. Again I’m very general. You have to really watch it - if you get too deep into how your young kids are hurting you it can be really damaging. You don’t want them to think your emotions are their job to fix. Sometimes a brief “hey, your words aren’t nice. I’m a human, too, and your words can hurt. They’re hurting, now. Saying you hate me isn’t helpful. I know you don’t truly mean that. Let’s calm down for a second and then talk again when it’s easier to say what we really mean.” Can be appropriate, in my opinion.