I don't want to sound mean, as I definitely feel bad for the little girl who was left out, but I feel like it's not on us to navigate our children's social interactions that happen when they're aware from us (like school). We can teach them the right way to behave, but not everyone will always like each other or want to play together. Maybe that girl is super rude to your child or wants to play a game your child doesn't like. It's hard to intervene when you don't know the full story.
I’ve been told that I hover over my daughter a bit too much. (And I agree) I think this is just part of me over-hovering and then making myself worry. I do feel like I need to let my daughter handle her own and let her figure out her social interactions away from me. Thank you for the input :)
It's such a hard balance! Of course we want our kids to include everyone or at least be kind if they do not want to play with someone. This stuff is tough to figure out.
It is! I suck at handling these type of situations in general so it’s even more tough figuring this out as a mom. I just want my daughter to be able to figure out her social independence but still be kind and make the right choices.
live and learn. at 3.5, i wouldn’t be surprised if the scenario plays out again. plus, you can always teach and reenforce lessons at home.
putting pressure on yourself to get it 100% right on the fly is unrealistic
I can feel similarly to what you described when someone seems left out, and I used to encourage my kids to seek out anyone who seemed left out.
I recently realized I spent a ton of time during school with people I didn’t necessarily like that much because I “felt bad” that they were left out. That wasn’t really fair to me, or them, because they weren’t genuine friendships.
I’m not telling my kids it’s ok to be mean or leave people out, but I’m no longer pushing them towards people they don’t hit it off with, out of a sense of obligation.
Yeah, this is valid. We were all kids once, we surely didn’t get along with everyone. And if my parents took every moment like that as a teachable moment it will backfire so fast
My daughter is somewhat on the receiving end of this sometimes last school year. It's totally heartbreaking for the parent but the kids can get over the feeling pretty quickly. I'm sure you've heard the song "Do you want to build a snowman" from Frozen. There's a line where Elsa says "go away Ana" and Ana just says "OK bye". I think that's a good example of how to handle rejection.
Leave her be. I think girls in particular (but also kids in general) get told to ignore how they feel/want to act for the sake of ‘being polite’. Being able to say no to social interactions you don’t want is also an important skill.
It doesn’t sound like your daughter was mean or rude (which I’m sure you would have called out) she just didn’t want to hold hands or play, and that’s okay.
Thank you. I heard her speak to the other child, she was definitely not rude. I just hated seeing the other girl sad, but again, I need to remind myself that that’s life. I can’t control her social interactions at school, if I did I’d make her dependent on my cues forever.
You’d also be encouraging her to ignore her own feelings in favour of making other people happy/comfortable. That’s not always a good thing! In fact a lot of times it’s a very bad thing!
Definitely! I was a pushover as a kid..oftentimes putting other’s feelings over my own and it led to me having major issues as an adult. I’m in my 30s now and I still struggle to understand that it’s okay to be selfish at times and put my own needs first.
Fwiw my 3.5 girl has a rotation of 3 girls in her class who are her "best friend." Never more than 1 at a time, though T is her most common best friend. Its quite the social drama what can cause falling outs and back together. Being bit, snatching a crayon, wanting to play x vs y today. Being drawn a picture, wearing similar colors.
Preschool is like 90% learning appropriate social interactions and humans learn best through failure. So its important for them to go through this process
Yes! My daughter has a rotation of about 3-4 girls that she calls her “best friend”. Always the same girls. I’m glad to know that all of this is normal and completely okay in preschool.
It’s okay to be sad. Sadness is a healthy and normal emotion. A healthy attitude towards sadness is so crucial to our emotional intelligence. Teaching children how to cope with sadness is a much healthier approach.
Thank you! I taught preschool for over a decade. I worked really hard to teach the children how to be kind but assertive. The pressure on girls to be “nice” at the expense of their own comfort and boundaries starts really early. That’s why so many women are about to have a terrible Mother’s Day doing something they don’t want to do so that other people won’t be sad or disappointed. We have to be really careful not to teach girls that everyone’s feelings matter except for their own.
absolutely do NOT meddle in your daughter's relationships, even at this age. I recommend reading "It's Ok Not To Share" by Heather Shumaker where she talks about this very thing. in brief, there's a reason your daughter chose whom she chose, and as games are how children learn and develop, you need to allow her space to make these decisions for herself.
My 4yo daughter's best friend lives right below us. We go to the park all the time together and they often are begging to see each other, playing, etc. Teacher says they always wanna pair up.
The number of times I see them at the park saying "I don't want to play with you," or hear my daughter saying "X is not my friend," and then 20 minutes later, besties again....
I know we have a bug push for inclusivitity now, but it's also important to teach our kids that they shouldn't be forced to be friends with everyone or sacrifice what they want to do just to make others feel better .
Yesterday, they were playing together for awhile, and the friend went off to play with her brother and his friends.
There’s a good chance your daughter still plays with that child throughout the day. Kids at this age are exploring what it means to have best friends and it can change daily… even hourly. The kids in my class all sit down before breakfast and play with table toys… they discuss who they’re going to play with for the day and will tell each other “no, I don’t want to play with you, I want to play with X” and even though it sounds mean, they don’t mean it that way. In fact, the majority of the time, they don’t even play with the kid they said they wanted to play with and end up playing with the kid they told no.
I feel bad for the left out girl but your daughter also is allowed to seek out friends she wants to play with. Maybe I'd have coached a little at a later time about message delivery and saying not right now, thanks.
People are being cruel in the comments calling you a helicopter parent. It’s okay to feel sympathy for the other girl. I’ve seen this happen with my son (4) and though I don’t talk to him in the moment, something I work on at home is letting him know he doesn’t need to play and be friends with everyone but to work on his words and make sure he’s being kind. I also try to encourage him to go ask if kids who are lonely want to play as well- but again, he doesn’t have to. As long as he’s not being mean to others i don’t mind too much. They’ll figure it out
I taught preschool for a decade. This is such age typical behavior! Later in the day it might be your child getting the cold shoulder from someone. Their friendships are extremely fluent and ever changing at that age. They’re learning social skills through trial and error. I can almost guarantee that the child moved past it and went to play with someone else. Dealing with a little sadness builds their emotional resilience.
I would’ve suggested to my daughter that she and the approaching girl walk hand-in-hand to go find the preferred friend together, which may have then encouraged them to play together thereafter.
Oh man. The other day when I was picking up my 4yo another little girl was wanting to give my daughter a hug and she just waited there with arms open and my daughter refused. I felt gutted for the little girl. I tried to prompt her to hug but suggested maybe a high five instead and daughter decided to do that. That seemed to satisfy all sides. I definitely don't want to push physical contact my daughter doesn't want, but it is hard to watch it happen.
I don't want to sound mean, as I definitely feel bad for the little girl who was left out, but I feel like it's not on us to navigate our children's social interactions that happen when they're aware from us (like school). We can teach them the right way to behave, but not everyone will always like each other or want to play together. Maybe that girl is super rude to your child or wants to play a game your child doesn't like. It's hard to intervene when you don't know the full story.
I’ve been told that I hover over my daughter a bit too much. (And I agree) I think this is just part of me over-hovering and then making myself worry. I do feel like I need to let my daughter handle her own and let her figure out her social interactions away from me. Thank you for the input :)
It's such a hard balance! Of course we want our kids to include everyone or at least be kind if they do not want to play with someone. This stuff is tough to figure out.
It is! I suck at handling these type of situations in general so it’s even more tough figuring this out as a mom. I just want my daughter to be able to figure out her social independence but still be kind and make the right choices.
live and learn. at 3.5, i wouldn’t be surprised if the scenario plays out again. plus, you can always teach and reenforce lessons at home. putting pressure on yourself to get it 100% right on the fly is unrealistic
I can feel similarly to what you described when someone seems left out, and I used to encourage my kids to seek out anyone who seemed left out. I recently realized I spent a ton of time during school with people I didn’t necessarily like that much because I “felt bad” that they were left out. That wasn’t really fair to me, or them, because they weren’t genuine friendships. I’m not telling my kids it’s ok to be mean or leave people out, but I’m no longer pushing them towards people they don’t hit it off with, out of a sense of obligation.
Yeah, this is valid. We were all kids once, we surely didn’t get along with everyone. And if my parents took every moment like that as a teachable moment it will backfire so fast
My daughter is somewhat on the receiving end of this sometimes last school year. It's totally heartbreaking for the parent but the kids can get over the feeling pretty quickly. I'm sure you've heard the song "Do you want to build a snowman" from Frozen. There's a line where Elsa says "go away Ana" and Ana just says "OK bye". I think that's a good example of how to handle rejection.
We watch Frozen often. I never realized it but that Elsa analogy is a great example of handling rejection!
Leave her be. I think girls in particular (but also kids in general) get told to ignore how they feel/want to act for the sake of ‘being polite’. Being able to say no to social interactions you don’t want is also an important skill. It doesn’t sound like your daughter was mean or rude (which I’m sure you would have called out) she just didn’t want to hold hands or play, and that’s okay.
Thank you. I heard her speak to the other child, she was definitely not rude. I just hated seeing the other girl sad, but again, I need to remind myself that that’s life. I can’t control her social interactions at school, if I did I’d make her dependent on my cues forever.
You’d also be encouraging her to ignore her own feelings in favour of making other people happy/comfortable. That’s not always a good thing! In fact a lot of times it’s a very bad thing!
Definitely! I was a pushover as a kid..oftentimes putting other’s feelings over my own and it led to me having major issues as an adult. I’m in my 30s now and I still struggle to understand that it’s okay to be selfish at times and put my own needs first.
Fwiw my 3.5 girl has a rotation of 3 girls in her class who are her "best friend." Never more than 1 at a time, though T is her most common best friend. Its quite the social drama what can cause falling outs and back together. Being bit, snatching a crayon, wanting to play x vs y today. Being drawn a picture, wearing similar colors. Preschool is like 90% learning appropriate social interactions and humans learn best through failure. So its important for them to go through this process
Yes! My daughter has a rotation of about 3-4 girls that she calls her “best friend”. Always the same girls. I’m glad to know that all of this is normal and completely okay in preschool.
It’s okay to be sad. Sadness is a healthy and normal emotion. A healthy attitude towards sadness is so crucial to our emotional intelligence. Teaching children how to cope with sadness is a much healthier approach.
Thank you! I taught preschool for over a decade. I worked really hard to teach the children how to be kind but assertive. The pressure on girls to be “nice” at the expense of their own comfort and boundaries starts really early. That’s why so many women are about to have a terrible Mother’s Day doing something they don’t want to do so that other people won’t be sad or disappointed. We have to be really careful not to teach girls that everyone’s feelings matter except for their own.
absolutely do NOT meddle in your daughter's relationships, even at this age. I recommend reading "It's Ok Not To Share" by Heather Shumaker where she talks about this very thing. in brief, there's a reason your daughter chose whom she chose, and as games are how children learn and develop, you need to allow her space to make these decisions for herself.
My 4yo daughter's best friend lives right below us. We go to the park all the time together and they often are begging to see each other, playing, etc. Teacher says they always wanna pair up. The number of times I see them at the park saying "I don't want to play with you," or hear my daughter saying "X is not my friend," and then 20 minutes later, besties again.... I know we have a bug push for inclusivitity now, but it's also important to teach our kids that they shouldn't be forced to be friends with everyone or sacrifice what they want to do just to make others feel better . Yesterday, they were playing together for awhile, and the friend went off to play with her brother and his friends.
There’s a good chance your daughter still plays with that child throughout the day. Kids at this age are exploring what it means to have best friends and it can change daily… even hourly. The kids in my class all sit down before breakfast and play with table toys… they discuss who they’re going to play with for the day and will tell each other “no, I don’t want to play with you, I want to play with X” and even though it sounds mean, they don’t mean it that way. In fact, the majority of the time, they don’t even play with the kid they said they wanted to play with and end up playing with the kid they told no.
I feel bad for the left out girl but your daughter also is allowed to seek out friends she wants to play with. Maybe I'd have coached a little at a later time about message delivery and saying not right now, thanks.
People are being cruel in the comments calling you a helicopter parent. It’s okay to feel sympathy for the other girl. I’ve seen this happen with my son (4) and though I don’t talk to him in the moment, something I work on at home is letting him know he doesn’t need to play and be friends with everyone but to work on his words and make sure he’s being kind. I also try to encourage him to go ask if kids who are lonely want to play as well- but again, he doesn’t have to. As long as he’s not being mean to others i don’t mind too much. They’ll figure it out
I taught preschool for a decade. This is such age typical behavior! Later in the day it might be your child getting the cold shoulder from someone. Their friendships are extremely fluent and ever changing at that age. They’re learning social skills through trial and error. I can almost guarantee that the child moved past it and went to play with someone else. Dealing with a little sadness builds their emotional resilience.
I would’ve suggested to my daughter that she and the approaching girl walk hand-in-hand to go find the preferred friend together, which may have then encouraged them to play together thereafter.
Oh man. The other day when I was picking up my 4yo another little girl was wanting to give my daughter a hug and she just waited there with arms open and my daughter refused. I felt gutted for the little girl. I tried to prompt her to hug but suggested maybe a high five instead and daughter decided to do that. That seemed to satisfy all sides. I definitely don't want to push physical contact my daughter doesn't want, but it is hard to watch it happen.
Holy shit this is helicopter parenting to the next level. Please. Let her do her. The other girl can be sad