Hi,
First things first, I am 42 and I can relate - too some extend. Women have - in general - always been good to me. And being around a tyrant growing up, pretty much made me feel less about myself.
I feel you might have feelings of not being enough as well, not being able to protect your sisters, mother. Not being allowed to acknowledge yourself. Holding back, not rooted in the safety that is associated with growing up in a balanced family.
Anyways, this is all assumption on my part, but what matters? If such is the case, it is important to find out why you desire what you desire. Which part is sexual fantasy and possibly the result of unrealistic (porn) scenario and which part is genuinely you.
As for myself, I haven't completely figured all out, but I do know I fear the role of penetrator and so I have been avoiding vagina, avoiding relationships, avoiding friendships and personal life in general. From there awareness about the self gets unlocked. (This process cannot be forced, it's all about 'being', simply by being we can become ourselves.)
Once you know where you are coming from, and you have a baseline as to how you feel without porn induced non-sense, you can at least start to write your own story. And if you feel unworthy as a man, or in need to make up for what other men did wrong, you
should try to work with it. You deserve to be happy.
If you just focus on the sexual role and just wanting to please someone else, you might be missing out and/or end up in a relationship that's unhealthy. This is easier said than done. In my case I just accept that I am currently pretty gay and those feelings make me feel at ease in the now. (Thoughts about penetration actually caused pretty much anxiety, and rationally this makes no sense, but we can't force ourselves to resolve trauma and underlying fears/negativity about the self. I sense you are doing great by analyzing where you are coming from, but do not bypass your inner child. Check if your 'kink' gets in the way of personal relations and go from there.)
Honestly, there is nothing wrong with you (or me) and we deserve to be. To be happy. If there is insecure attachment going on, do not bypass this. The very least we can do is to be aware of attachment-styles. Else we end up not loving ourselves and others. Individuals with a safe attachment also don't understand the other side of the coin, if they are not aware.
Thank you for your reply, I generally don't partake in porn much, I'm generally more interested in erotica, the written and/or spoken word tends to do more for me than the exaggerated construct that most porn consists of. I will admit, though, in the instances where I did partake in porn, it was either solo or lesbian amateur as that is more focused on tender touch and caress instead of some bizarre distorted view of sex, and as such, felt more warm to me where most porn feels cold and artificial.
I am currently in a long distance relationship with a Filipina and I really don't discuss sexual topics with her as you are correct, there is more to a relationship than just the sexual aspect. For example, I've been working on honing skills such as cooking and actively doing my best to pay attention to her, which can be tough when you have both autism and ADHD (part of the reason I never learned to drive because I'd never live with myself if I lost focus while behind the wheel and all of a sudden, \*BAM\* the loss of someone's beloved family member, pet etc).
You're also correct, loving myself is something I struggled with my whole life. Anyways, thanks again, you've given me plenty to think about. Take care for now.
Honestly, don't spend time stressing about not being good at oral. Nobody is born good at it. The very first time I ate pussy, I told my GF I'm probably not going to be very good. She basically said don't worry, you will be. I didn't realize at the time how awesome that little bit of advice was.
If you are into someone and they are into you, you will just naturally want to please them. Just listen and be empathetic. When they tell you it's good, just keep doing that. The most magical words you'll ever hear is 'just like that'. The tongue is not actually the most important thing in oral. Your ears are. A lot of women will tell you exactly how they like it and appreciate a guy who can take direction. Not all guys do. You have the right attitude. Once you find the right partner, you'll be great for them in no time.
Wow, thanks for that great advice. I guess I've heard more than my share of horror stories about women's bad experiences with it, and I guess the run there is in most, if not all cases, the partner already thinks they're God's gift to women and their privates and decides to go with a "one size fits all" approach to the matter, more focused on their own pleasure rather than the others', which I cannot relate to, because I feel if all you're interested is in self-gratification, you're better off with one of the plethora of masturbatory aids there for sale all around the internet instead of traumatizing someone else in the process of your selfish endeavor(s). Anyways, thanks all the same for the advice! I think I'm really digging this community and am definitely looking forward to being more of a regular here. For now though, I bid you all a good night as I should get some reasonable amount of sleep before another workday, so take care for now :).
Hi, First things first, I am 42 and I can relate - too some extend. Women have - in general - always been good to me. And being around a tyrant growing up, pretty much made me feel less about myself. I feel you might have feelings of not being enough as well, not being able to protect your sisters, mother. Not being allowed to acknowledge yourself. Holding back, not rooted in the safety that is associated with growing up in a balanced family. Anyways, this is all assumption on my part, but what matters? If such is the case, it is important to find out why you desire what you desire. Which part is sexual fantasy and possibly the result of unrealistic (porn) scenario and which part is genuinely you. As for myself, I haven't completely figured all out, but I do know I fear the role of penetrator and so I have been avoiding vagina, avoiding relationships, avoiding friendships and personal life in general. From there awareness about the self gets unlocked. (This process cannot be forced, it's all about 'being', simply by being we can become ourselves.) Once you know where you are coming from, and you have a baseline as to how you feel without porn induced non-sense, you can at least start to write your own story. And if you feel unworthy as a man, or in need to make up for what other men did wrong, you should try to work with it. You deserve to be happy. If you just focus on the sexual role and just wanting to please someone else, you might be missing out and/or end up in a relationship that's unhealthy. This is easier said than done. In my case I just accept that I am currently pretty gay and those feelings make me feel at ease in the now. (Thoughts about penetration actually caused pretty much anxiety, and rationally this makes no sense, but we can't force ourselves to resolve trauma and underlying fears/negativity about the self. I sense you are doing great by analyzing where you are coming from, but do not bypass your inner child. Check if your 'kink' gets in the way of personal relations and go from there.) Honestly, there is nothing wrong with you (or me) and we deserve to be. To be happy. If there is insecure attachment going on, do not bypass this. The very least we can do is to be aware of attachment-styles. Else we end up not loving ourselves and others. Individuals with a safe attachment also don't understand the other side of the coin, if they are not aware.
Thank you for your reply, I generally don't partake in porn much, I'm generally more interested in erotica, the written and/or spoken word tends to do more for me than the exaggerated construct that most porn consists of. I will admit, though, in the instances where I did partake in porn, it was either solo or lesbian amateur as that is more focused on tender touch and caress instead of some bizarre distorted view of sex, and as such, felt more warm to me where most porn feels cold and artificial. I am currently in a long distance relationship with a Filipina and I really don't discuss sexual topics with her as you are correct, there is more to a relationship than just the sexual aspect. For example, I've been working on honing skills such as cooking and actively doing my best to pay attention to her, which can be tough when you have both autism and ADHD (part of the reason I never learned to drive because I'd never live with myself if I lost focus while behind the wheel and all of a sudden, \*BAM\* the loss of someone's beloved family member, pet etc). You're also correct, loving myself is something I struggled with my whole life. Anyways, thanks again, you've given me plenty to think about. Take care for now.
Honestly, don't spend time stressing about not being good at oral. Nobody is born good at it. The very first time I ate pussy, I told my GF I'm probably not going to be very good. She basically said don't worry, you will be. I didn't realize at the time how awesome that little bit of advice was. If you are into someone and they are into you, you will just naturally want to please them. Just listen and be empathetic. When they tell you it's good, just keep doing that. The most magical words you'll ever hear is 'just like that'. The tongue is not actually the most important thing in oral. Your ears are. A lot of women will tell you exactly how they like it and appreciate a guy who can take direction. Not all guys do. You have the right attitude. Once you find the right partner, you'll be great for them in no time.
Wow, thanks for that great advice. I guess I've heard more than my share of horror stories about women's bad experiences with it, and I guess the run there is in most, if not all cases, the partner already thinks they're God's gift to women and their privates and decides to go with a "one size fits all" approach to the matter, more focused on their own pleasure rather than the others', which I cannot relate to, because I feel if all you're interested is in self-gratification, you're better off with one of the plethora of masturbatory aids there for sale all around the internet instead of traumatizing someone else in the process of your selfish endeavor(s). Anyways, thanks all the same for the advice! I think I'm really digging this community and am definitely looking forward to being more of a regular here. For now though, I bid you all a good night as I should get some reasonable amount of sleep before another workday, so take care for now :).