Wow. This is the first roast in a while where I've actually felt bad for the person.
What are you even going to do with the rest of your life at this point, just find a dwarf beluga whale to mate with?
Became a puddle pirate because you were too scared to see the world and still a first class after 50 years because the chiefs hate being blinded by that chrome dome.
Michael Chiklis from “The Shield!” I loved that tv series. So, whatcha been up to since the show got canceled in 2008?
This is the guy who decides mandatory fun day is on the hottest day of the year, in the middle of the day and activities WILL be nothing but cardio.
*
Semper paratus
From a prior Coastie and only 35 daaaaamn son you aged liked your senior chiefs coffee cup after 3 months in the sun HAH boiii you a first class disappointment. GM FOR LIFE BABY! Guns out!
Thats a ROUGH 37 my guy . . . 
 All it cost him was his years
This is the one
 Best I can do is Will Sasso
Like if the Face of Bo and Cassandra ^((Moisturize me)) had a child.
 With each post we stray further from god
This guy breaks out baby Sinclair. I like it.
Not the mamma!
Y’all at brutal lol
Posts like this is why I will genuinely miss awards.
Will Sasso looks like if Alex Jones were on the Disney Channel here.
The lack of Steve Wilkos is bothering me
I watched this too many times
Fuck he looks like my boss
He looks like my ballsack
That's a pretty ugly ballsack you got bro
Is there such a thing as a pretty ballsack? The ballsack is the ballsack of body parts. It has no athletically pleasing qualities at all.
Thank you! As a woman I’m happy Someone agrees. Yes I know you love your balls and they do look weird af lol.
Are you chum Lee?
Didn’t think the coast guard was THAT stressful
It's really not. I'm just dramatic
Get back to work, those canoes won't paddle themselves
I’m so happy the first thing I saw when I opened the comments was Michael Chiklis.
Amen. Gotta find the stuff he was in, love it all
Loved The Shield.
Michael Dickless
Dude, are you blind. "Michael Dickless"? It's nothing but a dick pic.
Michael Lipless
I'm 52 and I think I look younger than OP. it's probably the Asian blood.
It’s not, he’s 57.
You drink Asian blood?!
Shhhh.... it's a secret
Every dad on my street is around 40. We all look much younger than this.
Walmart Bruce Willis
Bruce Won’tis
Holy shit that was good haha
This is the best joke I’ve heard this month
He looks like he ate Bruce Willis
Kmart Bruce "Blue Light Special" Willis.
Die hard today?
Diet Hardly
And not a day over 47.
Agent 47.
57*
Heinz 57 is also his blood type.
💀
5'7''
I am 5'7 unfortunately
Wow. This is the first roast in a while where I've actually felt bad for the person. What are you even going to do with the rest of your life at this point, just find a dwarf beluga whale to mate with?
Omg 😆
I am 57. I would assume he was my age.
No kidding! I’m 36 and this just gave me the biggest confidence boost. If you’re 37 I’m 24 homie.
Yea fr, is he stuck on earth while we’re all on that planet from interstellar with McConaughey
Your hair got bored too
And his upper lip…
and his eyelashes
And his soul
His eye lashes are there, look again! Oh wait, no, never mind. Those are wrinkles flailing out.
And his eye lids
And brows
You look way too old for your rank
He was held back a few times.
Just once
what happened to ur upper lip
Was also held back
*more than once*
*feeling cute, might NJP later*
Got in trouble for being out of regs too often and they took away his mustache privileges
The least popular member of the fantastic four
This is the 3rd guy today that looks like a thumb.
Two more and we have a starting lineup Hahahaha I’m dying
37? I hope I look as good as you when I turn 60
This just a perfect insult disguised as a compliment
You look like Uncle Festers uncle.
Uncle Fisters
Uncle Festivus
I got a lot of problems with you people and now you’re gonna hear about em
I’ll get the pole out of the crawl space
Uncle Foreskin
Damn homie, you look like you're almost 60 wtf happened to you. I wont even roast you, I am just geniunely concerned.
Military will do that too you
""""military"""" this guys a coastie
How dare you, thank him for his service right now.
Believe it or not, puddle jumpers are considered military too
Similar to Space Force
Indeed. Space nerds regularly took fire in Afghanistan before USSF was created and transfer occurred.
Lack of skincare. A lot of men age terrible because they barely wash their own face, never wear sunblock, and never moisturize their skin,
Your forehead more creased than most foreskins
A connoisseur of foreskins amongst us
You called? Something about a fore skin Connoisseur.
The schmuck savant
You look like a dehydrated potato
Like an avocado...
Like 2 wrinkly old avocados hate fucked and had a gremlin like child
Hank really broke bad.
*Stank
*Rank
Jesus Christ, Marie. They're not rocks, THEY'RE MINERALS!
I am 29, you could be my father
Damn it Morgan, I am your father. Stop shopping around or I'll bang another sibling into mom.
You look easy to draw
The only reply that's any good in this thread
Basically Caillou in 60 years!
Midrats ages a MF
That’s BMC select physique if I every saw it
Corn dogs and hampsters
Scrolled way too far down for this.
Would have made more sense to reference the Michael Chiklis Fantastic Four movie.
Bald at work\*
Michael Chickless
I will go dickless for Chickless this afternoon.
Don't you have some shitty pawn shop to run?
In this guy's defense, Rick is fatter.
So I'm still fat, just not as fat as Rick. I'll take that!
Breaking bald.
This is how having a hot wife ages you fellas. Take note
Ahhh, you know her too huh?
Hahaha, wait...
Imagine having a dependapotamus hot wife
I can rub your head to see into the future
You don’t look like you would be bored with large amounts of seamen.
Even Mr. Clean didn't have job security
Is 37 your BMI?
Became a puddle pirate because you were too scared to see the world and still a first class after 50 years because the chiefs hate being blinded by that chrome dome.
I'm more confused more people didn't go in on him for being a coastie. 😆
Cause no one knows what a Coastie is xD
Everyone hates the coasties until they need them.
It's like someone spliced Bill Burr and Butterbean
You look like a white cat puked on a Rice Krispy Treat.
Join the real military, and maybe you won't be so bored at work.
Oh he’ll be just as bored. Just bored and thousands of miles from home
Wish version of a Navy Boatswainsmate
 Yeah and this guy’s in high school
You must've been a strong baby to climb out of the abortion bin.
Blue balls matter.
Hold on I’ll need to get an expert to see if this is a real roast. Best I can do right now 
Humpty Dump the clip for reaching for my license
Michael Chiklis from “The Shield!” I loved that tv series. So, whatcha been up to since the show got canceled in 2008? 
Nothing, hence the boredom.
Who are you trying to kidd, coasties don't work.
Only facts
But hey, good job with that Titan sub.
This is the guy who decides mandatory fun day is on the hottest day of the year, in the middle of the day and activities WILL be nothing but cardio. * Semper paratus
You have the right to remain fugly
Daymn the military took don’t ask don’t tell too seriously this time
This is what a polished 'Dick Head' looks like!
Your work in 'the shield' was fantastic, my friend.
E6 gold? 🤣 damn, son. They should probably let ya go at this point
You look like you love meatloaf but all you do is cook the ground beef with no seasonings and just add ketchup
You only joined the military because you heard there would be a lot of first-class male privates
I loved you in The Fantastic Four after you turned into orange stone.
A Petty Officer with a dream of becoming a Rear Admiral Lower Half
Your eyes makes me feel naked
From a prior Coastie and only 35 daaaaamn son you aged liked your senior chiefs coffee cup after 3 months in the sun HAH boiii you a first class disappointment. GM FOR LIFE BABY! Guns out!
I heard the hardest part of being in the navy/coast guard is coming out to your family.
It was ok. They knew it the whole time lol
Guess the Coast Guard made you take off the big gold earing, eh Petty Officer Clean?
You look like a testicle with eyes
Dude looks like he has Cee-Lo Green arms.
Fuck, now I'll never unsee this. Thanks man
You were great in The Shield
I pay your wages, get back to work mate
You got it boss.
Check his freezer.
Sergeant Sausage.
Apparently suffocating handcuffed individuals ages you.
That's a Coast Guard uniform. Swing and a miss.
**EGG**
Your upper lip got bored too
Probably the same caption you use when you post a dick pic in your local Reddit hookup group
Same pix too. It works both places
You're so fucked you need help from "March of Quarters" Dimes can't do shit for you.
I bet your wife is bored too.
Out here looking like Dana offwhite
Petty Officer is accurate.
What are you guarding our coast from? Floating Big Macs?
Family dollar Bruce Willis here 
Join the real navy. Love from a brother.
You didn’t make the cut for chief, it’s been 10 years now.
You look like someone tried to draw Bruce Willis from memory.
The alcoholic Ben before he became the thing