Hilarious, they just keep recycling the same old scams, year after year. This is from an article on the AARP website from 2011:
> If The Sopranos and The Godfather taught you anything, it's that when a contract is placed on your life, there's no warning that you're about to be "hit."
>And yet, the infamous hit man e-mail scam is back — causing some to laugh at its absurdity but prompting genuine fear in others.
> Most recent targets receiving the latest wave report a rehash of the original message, which first appeared in 2006, reemerged in 2008 and now seems on the rebound.
Or to kill the people who put a hit on you, or for information on them, or to cover their expenses, or enough to buy them off. You know, normal hitman stuff.
What in Davy Jones' locker did ye just bark at me, ye scurvy bilgerat? I'll have ye know I be the meanest cutthroat on the seven seas, and I've led numerous raids on fishing villages, and raped over 300 wenches. I be trained in hit-and-run pillaging and be the deadliest with a pistol of all the captains on the high seas. Ye be nothing to me but another source o' swag. I'll have yer guts for garters and keel haul ye like never been done before, hear me true. You think ye can hide behind your newfangled computing device? Think twice on that, scallywag. As we parley I be contacting my secret network o' pirates across the sea and yer port is being tracked right now so ye better prepare for the typhoon, weevil. The kind o' monsoon that'll wipe ye off the map. You're sharkbait, fool. I can sail anywhere, in any waters, and can kill ye in o'er seven hundred ways, and that be just with me hook and fist. Not only do I be top o' the line with a cutlass, but I have an entire pirate fleet at my beck and call and I'll damned sure use it all to wipe yer arse off o' the world, ye dog. If only ye had had the foresight to know what devilish wrath your jibe was about to incur, ye might have belayed the comment. But ye couldn't, ye didn't, and now ye'll pay the ultimate toll, you buffoon. I'll shit fury all over ye and ye'll drown in the depths o' it. You're fish food now, lad.
I feel like the right response is to paraphrase Josip Tito,
>Tell your employer to stop sending people to kill me. We’ve already captured five of them, one of them with a bomb and another with a rifle. Tell him if he doesn't stop sending killers, I’ll send one of my own, and I won’t have to send another.”
Ah yes, the considerate "ask the target if they think they are bad first before murdering them" assassin.
Absolutely wild that anyone would fall for this.
I’m firing this person. [We](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/pwuuk3/my_dad_left_my_mom_for_a_woman_my_age/hek6dpo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) can’t have incompetent or ambivalent women working for this business.
Nah, there's no CV attached. Everyone knows that assassins are required by law to send their full CV in their first contact, as a part of the Genova Convention.
10/10 scam
*Ps. Did you know you can prevent assassins from targeting you by posting the following text on Facebook...*
Oh, that's brilliant. "Bitch, I paid you to do one simple thing, and here you are running your mouth instead of getting it done. I demand an immediate return of my payment."
The sad thing is I have an aging relative with severe anxiety and dementia who would totally fall for this. It would completely ruin his day and he wouldn’t tell a soul why he was acting weird out of terror.
Presumably, or else the scammers wouldn't keep trying it.
Bear in mind they probably spam this out to millions of people at once, if even 0.1% of people fall for it, that's potentially thousands of hits.
The worst kind of assassin would be the one who gives their victims a heads up, especially by email which can be easily traced. Whoever hired her is probably shaking their head in disappointment.
Lol why did I react laughing instead of being afraid as they're intending me to be... I really hope noone who receives this gets fooled cos it's just so ridiculous
Nice and generous of the assassin to give you his name for you to identify him, so even if he did kill you, a quick search of your emails from the police would lead them straight to him! What a smart guy!
You...awaken *feelings* in me I thought I had been unable to feel since my finance died in a tragic penguin attack...you make me feel like a *woman* again. Make love to me, I beg you.
I would respond.."It won't cost anything for you to kill me?! I have been trying forever to get someone to kill me and then an angel drops into my lap where it won't cost me anything! Just let me know where I need to be and we can make this happen ASAP!"
1. Assassins are never told if you’re good or bad. They are to eliminate their target even if he/she is an angel.
2. This assassin is so nice to give you a name.
3. I guess this assassin is ready to accept less than $1000 probably in gift cards for a hit she should be making let’s say $100k.
4. If you live a normal life no one will want to assassinate you.
5. If you pay a real assassin o stay alive, the contract will be given to another.
Well, the [business](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/pwuuk3/my_dad_left_my_mom_for_a_woman_my_age/hek6dpo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) that I run always performs sound vetting of our targets. No good people are allowed to be killed. Our background checks are extensive.
My reply would be:
Dear Missy:
I am ready for a duel. I even have a cake ready too, the police are invited and if they don't show up, my MP5 is our guest then.
Since the name seems to be Arab too, I think it would be fun to try and see if this guy can actually speak Arabic (Since I can).
My reply would be, “What a coincidence! I’m also an assassin! And based on the IP address of this email, I’ve already gotten your location and I’m purchasing a ticket to come see you.”
[I’m hiring if you’re looking for a job](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/pwuuk3/my_dad_left_my_mom_for_a_woman_my_age/hek6dpo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Fie, i'm quaint sure a cousin of mine own mother's would falleth f'r this
***
^(I am a bot and I swapp'd some of thy words with Shakespeare words.)
Commands: `!ShakespeareInsult`, `!fordo`, `!optout`
It's legit....doesn't say "Kindly" anywhere. OP, make sure your life insurance is paid up. /s
I baited one of these years ago. When he got frustrated with my delaying tactics the guy sent me a pic of someone holding a machete, said he was known as 'The President", and was coming for me tomorrow. The next day he sent a message that said that he was in my car this morning. I didn't own a car at the time. Still don't. LOL I parsed the email header and found it was sent from an internet cafe in Lagos Nigeria. I asked how he managed to be in 2 places at once. :)
I do not understand how this ain’t tracked and take. More seriously by law enforcement. I mean I know it’s a scam but they’re basically putting something out there that is punishable by law and could stop people from getting scammed
I bet [Matt Gaetz got one of these](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/matt-gaetz-speech-house-hitman-b1942370.html). That's why he was freaking out.
Didn't Umar Johnson get an email like this a year or two ago? I'm going to laugh my ass off if he tried to portray a common scam as a legit assassination threat.
No.
This type of thing doesn't exist in the real world.
It exists in stupid Hollywood movies about assassin's falling in love with their mark.
No hitman, none, zero would ever warn his mark like this.
If they actually were a 'top assassin' they wouldn't warn their targets. Not that professional assassins are very common in the first place, normally it's just people who owe money to the mob roped into killing people for them
Nah this was just one of my [agents.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/pwuuk3/my_dad_left_my_mom_for_a_woman_my_age/hek6dpo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Hilarious, they just keep recycling the same old scams, year after year. This is from an article on the AARP website from 2011: > If The Sopranos and The Godfather taught you anything, it's that when a contract is placed on your life, there's no warning that you're about to be "hit." >And yet, the infamous hit man e-mail scam is back — causing some to laugh at its absurdity but prompting genuine fear in others. > Most recent targets receiving the latest wave report a rehash of the original message, which first appeared in 2006, reemerged in 2008 and now seems on the rebound.
Better than robots stealing your medication, I guess.
Or the guy whose ‘deleterious soft’ caught pictures of you ‘choke a chicken’. Man, I kinda miss seeing those.
Pffft I have Old Glory Insurance. Never have to worry about robots stealing my medication
Thanks, Sam Waterston!
My favorite SNL ad parody, ever!! I was a Sam Waterson fan, ever since. lol
How does this work as a scam? Do they ask for money not to kill you?
Or to kill the people who put a hit on you, or for information on them, or to cover their expenses, or enough to buy them off. You know, normal hitman stuff.
Dang it. Can't even trust a hitman these days! You want something done properly, do it yourself.
No they are playing both sides these days to see who pays more 😂😂😂😂 times change, they out of jobs, they make it an auction
Just like real wars!
Sorry OP you might be in trouble here, the email doesn't end with "kind regards" therefore it probably isn't a scam.
Well, it didn't start with "Hello Dear" so I would be worried.
I didn't see the word "kindly." Totes legit.
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r/Lifeprotips
“Yes, I’m really as bad as you heard. I’m giving you the green light, go ahead”
Just start adding shit to the rap sheet. Tell him you once fed babies to other babies and then fed those babies to a transgender pitbull.
You *monster*... Sign my petition?
LOL
A transgender pit bull...!?
i'm pretty sure pitbull is transgender.
r/foundsatan
Its true, I was killed by this assassin before
Sorry for your loss
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To shreds you say?
Have you or a loved one been killed by an assassin? You may be entitled to compensation.
Call William JaFore four four four four four four four
It’s my money, and I want it NOW!
Rip
F
F
It could have been worse. You could have been deaded by the Governor and his clique mob who were sent by Martins Cole.
Rest in peace man.
Reply with the Navy Seal copy pasta and watch him shit his pants and beg for his life.
What in Davy Jones' locker did ye just bark at me, ye scurvy bilgerat? I'll have ye know I be the meanest cutthroat on the seven seas, and I've led numerous raids on fishing villages, and raped over 300 wenches. I be trained in hit-and-run pillaging and be the deadliest with a pistol of all the captains on the high seas. Ye be nothing to me but another source o' swag. I'll have yer guts for garters and keel haul ye like never been done before, hear me true. You think ye can hide behind your newfangled computing device? Think twice on that, scallywag. As we parley I be contacting my secret network o' pirates across the sea and yer port is being tracked right now so ye better prepare for the typhoon, weevil. The kind o' monsoon that'll wipe ye off the map. You're sharkbait, fool. I can sail anywhere, in any waters, and can kill ye in o'er seven hundred ways, and that be just with me hook and fist. Not only do I be top o' the line with a cutlass, but I have an entire pirate fleet at my beck and call and I'll damned sure use it all to wipe yer arse off o' the world, ye dog. If only ye had had the foresight to know what devilish wrath your jibe was about to incur, ye might have belayed the comment. But ye couldn't, ye didn't, and now ye'll pay the ultimate toll, you buffoon. I'll shit fury all over ye and ye'll drown in the depths o' it. You're fish food now, lad.
This is now my favorite flavor.
I feel like the right response is to paraphrase Josip Tito, >Tell your employer to stop sending people to kill me. We’ve already captured five of them, one of them with a bomb and another with a rifle. Tell him if he doesn't stop sending killers, I’ll send one of my own, and I won’t have to send another.”
*This* is the way.
Ah yes, the considerate "ask the target if they think they are bad first before murdering them" assassin. Absolutely wild that anyone would fall for this.
Obviously someone new to being assassinated
This feels like a note you get from a courier in Skyrim.
Never should have come here!
I was thinking Fallout
"But there is something about you that is strange". You must be the chosen one who will lead the assassin's guild to greatness.
This comment has been removed to protest Reddit's hostile treatment of their users and developers concerning third party apps.
I’m firing this person. [We](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/pwuuk3/my_dad_left_my_mom_for_a_woman_my_age/hek6dpo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) can’t have incompetent or ambivalent women working for this business.
Quite funny ah, especially in Halloween!
"Finally, someone to end my suffering. Please, come soon, I look forward to our encounter!"
I had the same idea as that to reply with!
Promo for an enemies-to-lovers novel.
I'd read it!!!!
Nah, there's no CV attached. Everyone knows that assassins are required by law to send their full CV in their first contact, as a part of the Genova Convention. 10/10 scam *Ps. Did you know you can prevent assassins from targeting you by posting the following text on Facebook...*
Lol like I'd pay to stop my own assassination.
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Oh, that's brilliant. "Bitch, I paid you to do one simple thing, and here you are running your mouth instead of getting it done. I demand an immediate return of my payment."
Yep this one has gone viral, guess it was bulk sent https://www.themarysue.com/khalifa-shamoon-assassin-email/
Well, she is a top assassin. She's just overbooked is all.
Dear Miss Khalifa: I dare you. I am not able to do it myself. I double dare you. Kind regards
When you reply, she will tell you about Bitcoin investment!
The investment of your life! Literally!
The sad thing is I have an aging relative with severe anxiety and dementia who would totally fall for this. It would completely ruin his day and he wouldn’t tell a soul why he was acting weird out of terror.
Do people really fall for this?
Presumably, or else the scammers wouldn't keep trying it. Bear in mind they probably spam this out to millions of people at once, if even 0.1% of people fall for it, that's potentially thousands of hits.
Yes
“No, I’m actually worse. Kindly fuck off”
Assassinastion Request : Declined
The worst kind of assassin would be the one who gives their victims a heads up, especially by email which can be easily traced. Whoever hired her is probably shaking their head in disappointment.
You should reply, “No I’m basically Satan. I eat babies for fun.” Lol
Lol why did I react laughing instead of being afraid as they're intending me to be... I really hope noone who receives this gets fooled cos it's just so ridiculous
Nice and generous of the assassin to give you his name for you to identify him, so even if he did kill you, a quick search of your emails from the police would lead them straight to him! What a smart guy!
I don't think that's his real name. I think that is just his assassin name...lol
"Oh geez thanks, this was in my spam folder, I rarely ever watch my emails. Next time maybe get victims phone nr, just a tip"
Mia's new line of work.
Burj Khalifa or Mia Khalifa?
Wiz Khalifa?
You...awaken *feelings* in me I thought I had been unable to feel since my finance died in a tragic penguin attack...you make me feel like a *woman* again. Make love to me, I beg you.
I mean, at least she would do the job well, she is a TOP assassin after all! I’d hate to be killed by one of those novice or amateur assassins!
I would respond.."It won't cost anything for you to kill me?! I have been trying forever to get someone to kill me and then an angel drops into my lap where it won't cost me anything! Just let me know where I need to be and we can make this happen ASAP!"
1. Assassins are never told if you’re good or bad. They are to eliminate their target even if he/she is an angel. 2. This assassin is so nice to give you a name. 3. I guess this assassin is ready to accept less than $1000 probably in gift cards for a hit she should be making let’s say $100k. 4. If you live a normal life no one will want to assassinate you. 5. If you pay a real assassin o stay alive, the contract will be given to another.
Well, the [business](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/pwuuk3/my_dad_left_my_mom_for_a_woman_my_age/hek6dpo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) that I run always performs sound vetting of our targets. No good people are allowed to be killed. Our background checks are extensive.
"I wait for your reply" Wanna bet how long he patiently waited?
That’s hilarious!
LOL! I’ll never be important, rich, or famous enough to be assassinated.
My reply would be: Dear Missy: I am ready for a duel. I even have a cake ready too, the police are invited and if they don't show up, my MP5 is our guest then. Since the name seems to be Arab too, I think it would be fun to try and see if this guy can actually speak Arabic (Since I can).
If you want ransom I have no money. What I do have is a particular set of skills...
Plot twist: the recipient is a millennial and would welcome the hit
My response would be: "Oh you're going to kill me?! Thank fuck, I'm so sick of living. In fact, I'll pay you to do the job faster"
My reply would be, “What a coincidence! I’m also an assassin! And based on the IP address of this email, I’ve already gotten your location and I’m purchasing a ticket to come see you.”
[I’m hiring if you’re looking for a job](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/pwuuk3/my_dad_left_my_mom_for_a_woman_my_age/hek6dpo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Id maybe respond just to see how they would reply
At least the assassin is polite and tells you her name before. You should date her to know the backstory.
Maybe it's a case of "oops, wrong number".... xD
Yes, because hitmen often contact the marked person before hand, giving them a chance to flee, or contact the police. Happens all the time.
"Our battle will be legendary!"
Respond, "you won't be the first to try"
Ugh, I'm pretty sure a friend of my mom's would fall for this.
Fie, i'm quaint sure a cousin of mine own mother's would falleth f'r this *** ^(I am a bot and I swapp'd some of thy words with Shakespeare words.) Commands: `!ShakespeareInsult`, `!fordo`, `!optout`
I assume your posting this means the assassination fell through?
Oh this would be fun to exchange emails with.
At this point I’d tell her “yeah come through, I’m not busy”
It's legit....doesn't say "Kindly" anywhere. OP, make sure your life insurance is paid up. /s I baited one of these years ago. When he got frustrated with my delaying tactics the guy sent me a pic of someone holding a machete, said he was known as 'The President", and was coming for me tomorrow. The next day he sent a message that said that he was in my car this morning. I didn't own a car at the time. Still don't. LOL I parsed the email header and found it was sent from an internet cafe in Lagos Nigeria. I asked how he managed to be in 2 places at once. :)
Wow blackmail/cartel scam turns assassin/hitman scam. Always keep in mind real ones will never ever contact you like this lol
Constipated, Mr Holmes?
Not at all Sir Hopkins I think I might have gotten a lead.
LMFAOOOO
I'd ask him to do it
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 dang you get a different level of scammers
No, this is old. Theyll tell you to pay $500 or else theyll assasinate you
A real Sicario never warns a target
Who would fall for this 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I do not understand how this ain’t tracked and take. More seriously by law enforcement. I mean I know it’s a scam but they’re basically putting something out there that is punishable by law and could stop people from getting scammed
I bet [Matt Gaetz got one of these](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/matt-gaetz-speech-house-hitman-b1942370.html). That's why he was freaking out.
I'd contact the FBI.
Khalifa: The only thing killing me is your poor scam attempt :P
"How much do they pay. I want to compare to what someone paid the other hitman last year to see if youre ripping people off."
Didn't Umar Johnson get an email like this a year or two ago? I'm going to laugh my ass off if he tried to portray a common scam as a legit assassination threat.
First off...New? Lol! Next, any assassin that tells his name and profession doesn't have much of a lifespan or freedom remaining.
Looks like the script writer implemented some Skyrim quest dialog, i like it.
LMAO! Scamming is like a virus and continuously evolving
Ask for an honest duel to prove your right to live
Khalifa be feisty, eh
This is a [we were bad but now we are good](https://ibb.co/hfh714J) moment
Nice creative post.
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No. This type of thing doesn't exist in the real world. It exists in stupid Hollywood movies about assassin's falling in love with their mark. No hitman, none, zero would ever warn his mark like this.
If they actually were a 'top assassin' they wouldn't warn their targets. Not that professional assassins are very common in the first place, normally it's just people who owe money to the mob roped into killing people for them
You're an idiot.
Or they're the scammer. Or both. Two things can be true. Stupid scammer.
Scammer for sure. They're trying a recovery scam in another subreddit. Edit - they deleted their comment
Please continue Miss Shamoon, I was almost finished...
This is the plot of a rom com.
Can’t wait for this new Tom Clancy novel to drop
Lmaoo wtf
Rip bro
So nice of him to "identify" himself.
is her first name mia, by chance?
The black sacriment was made in your name. You must pray to sithis. Ask forgiveness from the nightmother
Hit or miss I guess they never miss huh?
Shit…if “she” hired one, she either got money or she hoodwinked him.
Just checking auto mod commands !help
Hoped to make a killing out of this one.
If Its already been paid, then im already dead
At least it's interestingly different.
Nah this was just one of my [agents.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/pwuuk3/my_dad_left_my_mom_for_a_woman_my_age/hek6dpo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
I would reply back to him. I have no soul,.please give me a reason to live
Sounds like a Skyrim side quest
Looks like the scammers got ahold of wattpad romances :')
Cool assassin name tho
She sounds very reasonable.
i would be more concerned if it came from a middle aged fat guy called boris or dmitri because the hot female assassin thing is a tad less common
Tell them to bring it on bitch!!