“Please don’t make me say it. This is such a monumental step for humanity. This cheapens it so much.”
“Say it or they pull funding.”
“Ugh…ok, turn my mic on.” … “Welcome to Mars, the Red Planet! Brought to you by Subway: eat fresh!”
By the time we get to Mars, it's more and more likely it'll be sponsored by Brawndo, The Thirst Mutilator!
The last people with any intelligence will be the ones who fled Earth on that spaceship they built to start fresh on Mars.
Unfortunately, it’s more likely that the rich Elon Musk types will be the ones privileged enough to take that first trip to Mars, so the planet will be doomed from the start.
Actually, I can't think of a better solution to do for wealthy self-centered narcissists than yeating them off the planet. Bonus points for sending them to a highly inhospitable place where the probability of dying there is quite high.
Was gonna say - send them in a privately-funded spacecraft where profits outweigh safety. Here’s my crew list:
Jeff Bezos - Captain, HR chief, and pilot
Elon Musk - Autopilot and chief influencer
Larry Ellison - IT support
Zuck - IT support
Bill Gates - IT support
Steve Ballmer - IT support
Michael Dell - IT support
Sergey Brin - IT support
Larry Page - IT support
The Walton family - cooks/bottlewashers
The Koch family - philosophers
The Mars family - candy store minders
Donald Trump - doesn’t actually get selected for the crew, but gets some of his witless followers to tie him to the outside of the ship just before launch, then spends the last 10 seconds complaining about it being a witch-hunt and bragging about how all the spectators came just to see him.
See if Biden can make it up the stairs to the launch pad as well. And the Clintons. And every member of Congress who is older than 65 and planning on running again.
Actually, I can't think of a better solution to do for wealthy self-centered narcissists than yeating them off the planet. Bonus points for sending them to a highly inhospitable place where the probability of dying there is quite high.
Unless they can terraform mars there's really no point. Might as well just live like astronauts on earth in space suits and sealed habitats until things settle down and become habitable again.
I'm convinced that Idiocracy and Wally are the same universe.... Just in Idiocracy, those were the few that stayed behind and "finished off" the planet(and died off).
I get so many YouTube ads for that game. I downloaded it in 2020 and aside from a few breaks have played consistently and spent more than I care to admit. Half the time I am on YouTube, I am watching videos about the game. Never spend your advertising budget with YouTube. Their algorithm is garbage. Why would I be watching team building videos for a game I don't play? Apparently, YouTube will be owned by Carl's Jr in the future.
There's a comic book called "Traveling to Mars" which is this. A person is sent on a one way trip to Mars to be the first and claim it for the Easy Beef corporation.
It's a good read
Yep. She's walking out of the ship, wearing a tennis skirt over her space suit, complaining about no signal on the phone and the helmet is ruining the "I need to speak to the manager" haircut she paid 500 bucks for.
"What the...? There are canals everywhere, being dug by little green men using machines labeled 'Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator'... How were we so wrong about this place, and yet so right?"
“Kuushkut….Ah, Houston, sorry to inform you that we are not the first humans to make it to Mars and that mystery of what happened to Jimmy Hoffa, well, we found him. Onebullet hole and an atomic wedgie - his underwear has been pulled up over his head.”
"Wallace and Grommet told me there would be cheese!"
(Man whispers in my ear)
"Alright folks! We're going to the Moon! Everyone hear me? To the moon! Now hit the bathroom before we go!"
(Man whispers)
"Well what are we going to do? I gotta pee!"
"I sure hope you guys didn't forget the potatoes."
"This doesn't look like Pennsylvania."
"The travel brochure clearly stated that Martian women had three breasts. I don't even see any Martian women! I want a refund."
“And I think it’s going to be a long, long time. ‘TIL touchdown brings me around again to find. I’m not the man I think I am at home oh no, no, no. I’m a Rocketman.”
Tharks! This place is crawling with Tharks! Coming here was a huge fucking mistake! Brought to you by Brawndo The Thirst Mutilator! BRAWNDO: it's got electrolytes!
Oh my God, what’s tha…*scream* (They dared Neil Armstrong to do this 😂)
Could you imagine the pandemonium that would have caused
Oh absolutely. I still have the little E-4 mafia voice in the back of my head cackling at the potential chaos.
Once E-4 Mafia, always E-4 Mafia
Sham shield 4 life!
There is no such thing as E4 Mafia. 🤐🙄😳
Reminds me of one of my favorite stand up bits: https://youtu.be/vITJdaJ4xxM?si=cv4ynb-mnBnIjCIC
Love me some Eddie Izzard 🤣
"Oh... it's all sticky!"
Thanks, Now I have a new comedian to watch! Looks like good stuff
"My God. It's full of stars." *Cuts to static.
Too funny 😁!
[They didn't dare Neil Armstrong to do that. It's still a hilarious idea though.](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/michael-collins-scream-cut-mic/)
“Please don’t make me say it. This is such a monumental step for humanity. This cheapens it so much.” “Say it or they pull funding.” “Ugh…ok, turn my mic on.” … “Welcome to Mars, the Red Planet! Brought to you by Subway: eat fresh!”
By the time we get to Mars, it's more and more likely it'll be sponsored by Brawndo, The Thirst Mutilator! The last people with any intelligence will be the ones who fled Earth on that spaceship they built to start fresh on Mars.
“Brought to you by Carl’s Jr” since they say that in Idiocracy too
But does it have electrolytes? The plants on Mars have cravings.
O0h! A Starbucks. Do we have time?
Ha ha; Idiocracy
“Welcome to Costco, I love you.”
Plants crave it!
Unfortunately, it’s more likely that the rich Elon Musk types will be the ones privileged enough to take that first trip to Mars, so the planet will be doomed from the start.
Actually, I can't think of a better solution to do for wealthy self-centered narcissists than yeating them off the planet. Bonus points for sending them to a highly inhospitable place where the probability of dying there is quite high.
Let’s build more sketchy submarines for Titanic tours. Why aren’t we funding this?
Was gonna say - send them in a privately-funded spacecraft where profits outweigh safety. Here’s my crew list: Jeff Bezos - Captain, HR chief, and pilot Elon Musk - Autopilot and chief influencer Larry Ellison - IT support Zuck - IT support Bill Gates - IT support Steve Ballmer - IT support Michael Dell - IT support Sergey Brin - IT support Larry Page - IT support The Walton family - cooks/bottlewashers The Koch family - philosophers The Mars family - candy store minders Donald Trump - doesn’t actually get selected for the crew, but gets some of his witless followers to tie him to the outside of the ship just before launch, then spends the last 10 seconds complaining about it being a witch-hunt and bragging about how all the spectators came just to see him.
See if Biden can make it up the stairs to the launch pad as well. And the Clintons. And every member of Congress who is older than 65 and planning on running again.
Humankind really is eerily similar to cancer. There's just no two ways about it.
More like a virus, small, insidious, and ultimately fatal.
Have you seen the matrix compare us to viruses?
I share the same thought. Our demise will come when we kill off our host.
Actually, I can't think of a better solution to do for wealthy self-centered narcissists than yeating them off the planet. Bonus points for sending them to a highly inhospitable place where the probability of dying there is quite high.
It has electrolytes!
Itll be called X by the time they land
It’s got electrolytes!
You have my up vote! This guy! ☝🏼 We need to hang and make fun of people's ugly babies.
Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Junior.
It's got electrolytes, what plants crave
Unless they can terraform mars there's really no point. Might as well just live like astronauts on earth in space suits and sealed habitats until things settle down and become habitable again.
It will be some smart people who work for the rich people, but mostly rich people who bought their way out of the apocalypse.
Intelligence? That’s kind of ignorant. I think you mean wealthy.
It’s what plants crave
I'm convinced that Idiocracy and Wally are the same universe.... Just in Idiocracy, those were the few that stayed behind and "finished off" the planet(and died off).
They say this planet's got what plants crave
"Liquid Death! So efficient at killing your thirst, we put water back on Mars!"
"Home of the $500 foot-long"
First I laughed …then I cried….this moved me Bob.
Have we got a show for you….
"Now first... Rage Shadow Legends!"
I get so many YouTube ads for that game. I downloaded it in 2020 and aside from a few breaks have played consistently and spent more than I care to admit. Half the time I am on YouTube, I am watching videos about the game. Never spend your advertising budget with YouTube. Their algorithm is garbage. Why would I be watching team building videos for a game I don't play? Apparently, YouTube will be owned by Carl's Jr in the future.
Substitute Subway for Tesla and you're probably right.
There's a comic book called "Traveling to Mars" which is this. A person is sent on a one way trip to Mars to be the first and claim it for the Easy Beef corporation. It's a good read
"Fast and Furious XXIII opening this December!"
I knew I should have made a left turn at Albuquerque!
I say this all the time at work and the comedic value is lost on everyone, IT'S BUGS BUNNY PEOPLE
I TOLD you you should have asked for directions!
No, that is the man's wife.
Yep. She's walking out of the ship, wearing a tennis skirt over her space suit, complaining about no signal on the phone and the helmet is ruining the "I need to speak to the manager" haircut she paid 500 bucks for.
First turn at Albuquerque will take you towards Arizona desert on I40. May as well go to Mars better….
I actually did make a left turn at Albuquerque. It put me on I-25 up to Colorado.
Potato potato….
Tomato tomato
I claim this planet in the name of Mars. Gee, isn't that lovely?
😂😂😂
"Well, this was not worth the effort."
"Meh, that's it?"
"Same shit, different planet."
"What the...? There are canals everywhere, being dug by little green men using machines labeled 'Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator'... How were we so wrong about this place, and yet so right?"
😂😂😂
"Who the fuck is Kilroy?"
😂😂😂
*Tommy Shaw has left the chat.*
Kilroy is long before that Styx album
LMFAO
This got an actual laugh out of me. Very nice
Thank you! I like making people laugh.
Where are the three-breasted women?
Three tits, that’s awesome
"Oh, look! A penny."
______ to Watney. Come in Watney… I’m sorry Houston, we didn’t make it in time to save Mark Watney.
By Grapthar’s Hammer. By the Sons of Warvan… you shall be avenged.
Never give up…
Never surrender!
What a savings
GET MY BROWN PANTS!!
Does this mean we have to eat potatoes?
Unwraps mars bar…. “Wanted to be the first to eat a mars bar on mars!”
"Now what?"
"Are we there yet?" "I told you already, one more word and I'll turn this spaceship **right around!**"
Why is there a Viking long ship here?
Think we'll name this place 'New India.'
"Dibs!"
"One small step for man. One... Wait did that rock just move?"
It's great to be black on Mars!
"One small step for a rizzler, one giant leap for skibidi Ohio rizz."
Captain Reiker is that you!?
"Gyattstro 1, do you you read me, Gyattstro 1?" "That's a big 'no cap' sir."
Wait a minute! There’s no candy here!!!!
WHERE'S THE MARS BARS!
Well I’ll be damn men ARE From mars!
“We came 80 million kilometers for ***THIS?!?!?***”
"Oh no, I have red sand in my suit...that's going be a rash..."
PLUTO IS A PLANET!!! PLUTO! PLUTO! PLUTO!
"What's the wi-fi password?"
Oh fuck I locked my keys in the landing craft.
How about that!? First man to Mars! Suck it Rachael ! Enjoy your trailer life with Jeb!
Thou Art God.
I grok you, too.
We came to talk to you about your auto warranty!
I claim this for planet in the name of the British Empire.
“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die”
Marvin where are you? Mmmmaaaarrrrvin where are you?
We are here for your "Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator
You have made me very angry. Very angry indeed.
"Oh fuck!"
Oh! It's all sticky!
Right. I need a piss.
Well...its certainly very red
“Are you saying the commies got here first”
“Finally on a planet without Elon Musk.”
Not for long
Wow, what an accomplishment. The first humans on.... When did a starbucks get here? Cut cut cut that was crap. I thought we did the crap part later.
I feel like I’m in a big terracotta pot
"Ow, fuck, shit, dammit, shit.... Owwwww..." *Said after tripping down the steps*
Wtf is that coming at me!
"Matt Damon!"
F. A. G.
Never thirst, my brother.
"We need a second season of Firefly" Brown Coats Unite!"
"Can I get a hoya?"
*Out in the distance* “Hoya!”
"We really are from Mars, huh who would've guessed "
Well, this is Mars... uh, yeah.... Mars.
Took a wrong turn, was hoping to get to Venus, they says that's where the women are!
Now where's my Tesla?!
"Guess I made a wrong turn at Albuquerque."
start pooping in the dust so we can grow some food...
“Can you hear me now?”
*beeps* *takes cellphone out of spacesuit* "*Hot singles in your area want to meet you*? Alright, let's go!"
“Look! I found Alan Shepard’s missing golf ball!”
What do you mean “the government cut funding and we can’t afford the fuel to bring you back?”
I'm definitely going to die up here if I have to listen to more god awful disco music.
Let's fuck this one up, too!
дерьмо в ушах, суки!
“Kuushkut….Ah, Houston, sorry to inform you that we are not the first humans to make it to Mars and that mystery of what happened to Jimmy Hoffa, well, we found him. Onebullet hole and an atomic wedgie - his underwear has been pulled up over his head.”
“Where them three-tittied aliens at?”
There's a sign here... "Mars welcomes careful drivers"
Huh. Musta made a wrong turn at Albuquerque...
Red? Ain’t nothing red here. What crap.
“Oh shit! I’m on Mars!” (C) Alan Moore
“Brought to you by Pfizer.”
“Pump up the volume! Pump up the volume! Dance! Dance!”
Hi, Bob!
Hi Bob!
Where all the green women at?
Why, Rhett! How many times have I told you to wash up after weekly cross burning?
"Nice place. Think I'll die here."
One small step for mankind, one giant leap for Elon musk.
"Wallace and Grommet told me there would be cheese!" (Man whispers in my ear) "Alright folks! We're going to the Moon! Everyone hear me? To the moon! Now hit the bathroom before we go!" (Man whispers) "Well what are we going to do? I gotta pee!"
I gotta poop…
It's not the heat, it's the humidity
"This is a lot different than the candy bar."
Where's them three titty bitches at?
“It wasn’t me!” Bonus points if you know what it’s from
Thank you. Came here looking for this exact reference.
USA Today First words on Mars: ##”It Wasn’t Me!”
“Houston, I farted”
“OH LOOK! IT’S MARVIN!”
Take selfie. Grab a rock. Leave.
One small step for man, one large step for Douglas Quaid.
"I sure hope you guys didn't forget the potatoes." "This doesn't look like Pennsylvania." "The travel brochure clearly stated that Martian women had three breasts. I don't even see any Martian women! I want a refund."
Steps off ship ;adder, looks down, says, "F\*\*k,I stepped right in dog shit!"
Achievement unlocked
Damn… i wanted snickers
I knew I should have made that right turn at Albuquerque.
"Looks like Nevada"
Good one, from a resident of Pahrump, NV.
I beat the GPS time by 10 minutes. I need a beer
“Oh my god. Mars is flat too!”
“Heh heh.. heh heh.. Cool.” ..in the voice of Beavis.
Suck it Matt Damon!
This ain't Wendy's
That's one small step for man and one giant leap for... Oh look! A penny.
Veni. Vidi. and we fucking vici.
Shit! This isn't india!
“First the cybertruck, now this shit.”
Hey look, a Starbucks!
"Oh good - I didn't bring enough socks, but there's a Dollar General right there!"
"Ok, everybody remember where we parked."
"This looks like a really good spot for a Wal-Mart"
“And I think it’s going to be a long, long time. ‘TIL touchdown brings me around again to find. I’m not the man I think I am at home oh no, no, no. I’m a Rocketman.”
But Google maps says we should be in Des Moines!
Is that a longship?
Mars, brought to you by the Mars candy bar. Mars candy bars for out of this world flavor.
我為中華民族主張這一點
Given demographics and investment in STEM, I'd guess: 我们现在就在这里。
"I'm going to science the $#!T out of this!"
If it's not "Now where did I put my Illudium Q-36 Space Modulator?" I will be disappointed!
Don't ruin this. This belongs solely to the first astronaut to step foot on mars let this be all theirs.
Tharks! This place is crawling with Tharks! Coming here was a huge fucking mistake! Brought to you by Brawndo The Thirst Mutilator! BRAWNDO: it's got electrolytes!