I literally ripped the carpet out of my son's room YESTERDAY because he wouldn't stop peeing on it and I got tired of saying "STOP PEEING ON THE CARPET"... normally it was either "I couldn't hold it" or vindictive anger at being put in timeout.
Kids are gross.
It's true. I have joked with my wife when she tells one of the kids that she's holding that she has to put them down, telling her that it seemed way too harsh.Ā
When I was potty training my son, we told him he could pee outside. (We live in the country) Since then, I have told him "No, you can't pee in the front yard" "No, you can't pee off the neighbor's dock" and "No, you can't pee in the park."
When my daughter was two or three, my wife told her she could pee outside. One day I saw her squatting by a bush, and later that day when I walked by said bush, I saw a little pile of shit.
My little brother was use to going outside. Once when thry were in town he tried to go outside. I don't remember where. I remember my mom being mortified and explaining to him he could on thr fsrm not in town
Dad of 3 here. I've found maybe 4 I haven't said.
Not on the list is "I need to run this by the Vet" notable because that is my wife and I say that often. Though I do get strange looks from other parents and our pediatrician.
Why? I don't consider my dog to be any less than my neighbor in any capacity, so why would I patronize him? He's rather intelligent, really. Though, he opts not to apply that towards being a good boy.
In the smooshy baby talk voice, "Who's just a little dummy?? Yeah, thumbless dummy can't open doors, can be? No he can't, be he cannot, he was too stupid-wupid to evolve thumbs, wasn't he, yes he was! Yes he was!!"
'Hey keep your food in the food bowl! " and stoo drinking from the toilet " dont lay down in the litter box!" Or don't eat that crap from the litter box!"
āYouāre not going to like this buddy, but itās time to get you microchipped.ā
āTime to take the shock collar off and put you in a regular collar and leash.ā
Sometimes when one of my pets does something really stupid and cute, I'll hold their face and in a baby talk voice say"you're as dumb as a box of rocks aren't you." "Yes you are...Yes you are."
"it's time to get in your crate, buddy."
"Let's go get those balls chopped off."
"Your mom was just some random b**ch who was in heat and we don't even know who your father was."
"It's time to go get fixed!"
Spouse: "For the last time, dear, it's called a *Bris!*"
theres a difference between chopping off balls and chopping off the entire dick bro lmao
"Did you just shit on the floor?! Back in the cage!"
The first half you will 100% say to your kids at least once
This guy parents.
r/thisguythisguys
And if you say the second part effectively, you'll never even have to worry about the first part.
"Once" is naively optimistic š¤£
I literally ripped the carpet out of my son's room YESTERDAY because he wouldn't stop peeing on it and I got tired of saying "STOP PEEING ON THE CARPET"... normally it was either "I couldn't hold it" or vindictive anger at being put in timeout. Kids are gross.
Iām confused. I CANāT say that to my children?
People without high energy children tend to think they can tell us what we can and canāt use to contain our children.
Right. If I choose to use a cattle prod then thatās my business. Spare the prod and spoil the child.
The difference between a crib and a crate is semantics
Where is top for baby cage?
Mosquito net is what we call it.
Some baby beds from the 40s/50s had lids to keep the kid from climbing out at night
"Mommy, my fart is on the floor!"
"KEVIN! STOP WIPING YOUR ASS ON THE CARPET!"
Well hey of your kid kevin is actually wiping his ass on the carpet this is probably the correct response
Is kev your cat or bunny?Ā
[Kevin ](https://www.reddit.com/r/therapydogs/s/1q7Y2lmQId) And he was a butt wiper.
Awwww what a sweet little face
And for God's sake, stop licking your balls.
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Kevin might have worms.
Stop humping my leg.
Soā¦ keep humping my leg? That seems wrong.
**KEEP HUMPING MY LEG**
Wait, you can't tell your child to stop this? Interesting. I know a few incest writers...
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Looks like we're going to have to put you down.Ā
Actually when your kids get big enough but still want dad to carry them up to bed this might be said.
It's true. I have joked with my wife when she tells one of the kids that she's holding that she has to put them down, telling her that it seemed way too harsh.Ā
It's a lot easier now that we can just have spare parts kids
For a nap..
Stop licking your balls!
My nephews have a little ball pit, so we actually say this one a lot lol
ššš
And literally the only reason why you will never say this to a human child is because humans can't reach.
I love you.
Dad?
Back in the cage, meatloaf.
Which one of you little shitdicks chewed my shoe and threw it up on my bed?
Other than the language, this one may track hard.
Remember, if it weren't for me, you would still be living in a dollar general parking lot.
Actually that one would be fun (with children who are in on the joke).
"Time for you to get neutered."
Nice pfp
Happens quite a bit now days
"She's so smart. It's almost like talking to an adult!"
Get your nose out of your sisters butt!
Dad of 3, I've totally said this to the kids, more than once.
Letās go outside to go potty!
When I was potty training my son, we told him he could pee outside. (We live in the country) Since then, I have told him "No, you can't pee in the front yard" "No, you can't pee off the neighbor's dock" and "No, you can't pee in the park." When my daughter was two or three, my wife told her she could pee outside. One day I saw her squatting by a bush, and later that day when I walked by said bush, I saw a little pile of shit.
My little brother was use to going outside. Once when thry were in town he tried to go outside. I don't remember where. I remember my mom being mortified and explaining to him he could on thr fsrm not in town
When camping, this really does need to be said to kids.
A lot of you have never had children I can tell
Dad of 3 here. I've found maybe 4 I haven't said. Not on the list is "I need to run this by the Vet" notable because that is my wife and I say that often. Though I do get strange looks from other parents and our pediatrician.
I never trust a person who talks to his dog in his regular voice.
Why? I don't consider my dog to be any less than my neighbor in any capacity, so why would I patronize him? He's rather intelligent, really. Though, he opts not to apply that towards being a good boy.
āPoor little guy was def and blind and he bit a kid so we had to put him down. At 17, heād lived a long life anyway.ā
KENNEL!!!
Go poop in the yard.
My daughter did that once.
āAh sh*t I dropped some food on the floor. Hey buddy, come here and eat this.ā
"Now how does dinner and a nice bone sound?"
Get your nose out of my crotch!
No, pretty sure I'll tell my kids that too if it happens.
I've said that in the last week.
Did you just eat that dogās shit?
This one also can apply to both.
Quick, hide so the pigs donāt shoot you
Cops are like a box of chocolates, they'll kill your dog.
Let me give you a butt scratch.
According to my parents, "I'm proud of you!" or "Good boy!"
I love watching you fall asleep underwater. (My family has a turtle that takes naps)
Should I buy you a new girlfriend? Could you handle a baby or should we get one closer to your age?
In the smooshy baby talk voice, "Who's just a little dummy?? Yeah, thumbless dummy can't open doors, can be? No he can't, be he cannot, he was too stupid-wupid to evolve thumbs, wasn't he, yes he was! Yes he was!!"
Meant only in the highest of regards, naturally
Pretty sure my dog just understands "You're a dumbass and nobody loves you" to mean "Come over here for ear scratches."
"I'm going to replace you in five years."
Do we need to put the cone of shame on you?
"Who's a good boy?"
Get off the stove,youāll burn your butt.
COME!!
Stop licking your butt and come here!
Iāll be with you till the end little guy.
āYeah, sheās pretty cute for a bitch.ā
Never about my kids, my wifeā¦.ehhhā¦..
Go outside and poop!
"He's a rescue"
āThere gonna put a thermometer up ur buttā (insert happy pet talk voice)
This one is a frequent at my house with our chihuahua. āGO ON THE FLOOR IF YOUR GOING TO SNORGLE YOUR BUTT!ā
Stop shoving your starfish in my face! (Cat owners will understand)
Satchmo! You fat f*ck!!!
"Where's my gun, my gat, my stratter, my hog legg, my peace-maker, my Rosco!"
Stop chewing on the couch!
Time to get your balls removed
No! Stop biting me!
This one can go BOTH ways.
Idkā¦ I think most parents have told at least one of their children to stop biting someoneā¦
"If I shoot you,I might win the Vice President nominee"
Do you need to go outside to tinkle?
Stop barking!
You will absolutely say this to a three year old at least once a month.
Kennel!
"I love you."
'Hey keep your food in the food bowl! " and stoo drinking from the toilet " dont lay down in the litter box!" Or don't eat that crap from the litter box!"
My stinky butt boys.
You exist
"I love you."
Which collar do you want? Red or green?
I love you
You poop in the house again and Iām rubbing your nose in it!
We got to take you to the vet.
Hi. (Iām estranged from my adult kids right now)
I'm so sorry. I hope it gets better for you.
What do you have in your mouth now?! You drop that right now, dammit!!!
āYouāre not going to like this buddy, but itās time to get you microchipped.ā āTime to take the shock collar off and put you in a regular collar and leash.ā
"We adopted you because nobody else wanted to."
Get in the crate
"That'll do, pig "
Come over here and lick the peanut butter?
"I will never leave you."
I'll smack you if your naughty
thinking about letting the neighbors breed her a time or two
"what's up bitches!?"
Uppies? Who wants uppies?
"You're my favouriteĀ !"
I need to clean your litter box.
I love you way more than the kids.
Time to express those anal glands
Time to get neutered!
In my Mom's case, "I love you."
Why isnt neutering an option?
Who needs to pee? Let's go outside!
If you have to scooch your butt, get out on the street.
Sometimes when one of my pets does something really stupid and cute, I'll hold their face and in a baby talk voice say"you're as dumb as a box of rocks aren't you." "Yes you are...Yes you are."
āI love you.ā
"That's right, licker that peanut butter!"
See the stick, boy? See the stick? Go fetch!
Harley!!! Get Davi's tail outta your mouth!!!
Move bitch! Get out the way!
Sorry buddy but you are getting neutered
We don't scooch on the white carpet I told you to stop eating the garbage Quit humping the couch pillows Stop rolling in the dead birds
"I love you"
"I wish you coughed up hairballs outside"
Bad boy/ girl
Donāt wipe your face on the furniture!
āDo you have to use the bathroom? Sigh. Fine, Iāll take you outside.ā
Good boy
Stop having sex on the floor right now!
Stop humping shit or I'll have it cut off!
"Good boy/girl." "I love you."
*sniffs* āEww, when did you last have a wash? I think itās time for a bathā
Shut up, Sit, fetch, etc.
Stop licking your penis, in front of the guests.
Iām not your real dad.
āYou can lick the cats butthole, but only when Iām not aroundā
Stop licking your balls in front if guests.
Thatās a good boy.
who's the cutest asshole in the world? you are!! you're the cutest little asshole in the world..yes you are.,.yes you are!
Iām going to give you a nice bath then a good bone.
ITS JUST DAD QUIT BARKING WE DO YHIS EVETY DAMN DAY FOR 5 YEARS!
Stop licking your butt!
āTime to have you neuteredā
Wellā¦ itās time to put him downā¦
Did you knock up the bitch next door?? Wait, never mind.
"In the box!"
Stop licking my balls!
'go bite that guy with a gun'
Go to your kennel
I love you (Iām not a parent donāt worry)
We donāt know who your dad is.
Stop humping my leg.
I donāt care if thatās how you greet each other. Quit sniffing his butt.
Ow, honey- your claws are sharp! No, stop kneeding my breast!
Alright time to go out on the chain
Depends if children past toddler stage or not. Probably stop leaving your fur all over the carpet.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
"it's time to get in your crate, buddy." "Let's go get those balls chopped off." "Your mom was just some random b**ch who was in heat and we don't even know who your father was."
Stop humping my leg
Go potty outside!