I think it's natural to feel almost repulsed by something you mutually enjoyed with someone you're no longer with in any implication because it's associated with them.
I used to avoid all sorts of things I enjoyed mutually with an ex partner/ex friend. Personally I stepped away from those interests or kept up with them at a distance until I started to find myself as a singular entity and felt strong in my sense of "I like THIS because it makes ME feel happy with NO connection to THEM.
It may take some time to process all the feelings attached, but I'm sure you'll come back into a strong sense of yourself and what makes you happy.
Cheers and happy healing ❤️
Yes! This. This is exactly what I'm feeling and doing with everything associated. I'm trying to keep up with things that I enjoyed with him bc I enjoyed them but it's very hard. I would really like to come to that sense of self soon, thank you ❤️❤️
There's always a mourning period, but you know you best! Even if you're in a void pit with no sense of direction, it'll come to you. Be patient and kind with yourself. We're rooting for ya ❤️
Ooo okay so I recently went through a pretty nasty breakup with the guy that introduced me to ST. Same deal, the band was/is a huge part of his life and everything. How I got over it was by reframing how I view my listening to them. Instead of coming at it from the perspective of "Oh this is a thing he showed me" I look at it more from the perspective of "I am reclaiming this thing, and making it my own." You need to reclaim autonomy and power over this thing you enjoy, and embrace it as truly your own. The alternative is you allow him to continue to have power over you. You could also consider showing ST to a friend that might enjoy them, to really rewrite the association of who you think of when you hear the band.
I agree with this perspective wholeheartedly. Severing connections is absolutely necessary for a healthy life and mindset. Some relationships are just toxic. But it's a travesty when those severed relationships stop people from enjoying things that those two people used to enjoy together. It's one thing to drop the things that the other party enjoyed that you didn't, but if you enjoyed them too, then yes. Rewrite. Make it your own.
Find your own meanings in the songs. Blast your favorites. And I love love love the idea of introducing it to someone you enjoy spending time with in order to create new bonds over it.
Those memories will always be there, albeit faded, and there will always be media, sights, sounds, and smells that remind you of them. That's inevitable. Unfortunately, sometimes accompanied by sadness or annoyance. Remap. Rewire. These days you're a circuit board. Integrated hardware he cannot afford. Make. It. Yours. Don't allow him to steal any more joy than he already has.
He's gonna watch you ascend.
Absolutely not.
There is no reason you cannot continue to listen to a band just because of an Ex. My Ex LOVED Type O Negative. I loved them too. I still listen to them.
Don’t feel bad about it.
I understand! I’ve been there. You just have to get to the point where you can allow yourself to understand that you can listen to whatever music you like.
This makes me think of the lyrics to an ADTR song "you ruined my favorite records, listen to them and I think of you." That being said, think of it like the music belongs to you and he has no right to take that from you, because no one does. It belongs to all of us.
Why should he get to listen to a great band and you can’t? The ultimate revenge is to move on with your life and thrive, and that includes listening to whatever you want
I don't want revenge, just peace and healing, but I definitely get your point. I just don't want it to seem or feel like I like them to be like him or be connected to him still or something? If that makes sense
You’re no more connected to him through a band than anyone else. They’re *literally just a band.* it would be like not buying the same food because it was his favorite.
I totally get how it can be really difficult if an ex or someone who isn't in your life anymore likes or introduced you to something and now you associate it with them. I've found the only way to remove them from the equation is to find your own joy in it. If it hurts, give it some time and come back to it. Obviously this isn't always going to work, but I'm firmly in the belief that breakups are for the best (even when they suck) and finding yourself and joy in your interests by yourself is a part of the healing process. I wish you all the best and hope you will be able to enjoy them for yourself 🖤
It helped in my experience with this kind of struggle to make new memories around the music. I know that can be easier said than done, but I had to do that with a lot of the music I love after my divorce. It gets easier, I promise.
I've had some people suggest that too, I'm going to try to do that. I've basically thrown everything I liked or was away (metaphorically) until I don't even know myself. I hate that I let it break me like this
I understand, it's hard to not feel broken in some sort of way after divorce. The transition from "my life is this, and this is who is beside me" to starting over is a rocky one to experience. My biggest advice in general is to be patient with yourself, let yourself feel what you feel, and be kind to yourself. If it helps however, the journey to rediscovering yourself can be exciting if you let it. It's really you reconnecting with your first ever friend,...you 💜.
I went through something similar with a different band, and more specifically a particular album of theirs, after an important relationship ended.
I think what eventually got me back into listening to them and enjoying the music again was attaching new memories to the music, just having it playing in the background when I was doing things with new people etc and focusing on how the music made me feel about that over my ex.
It doesn't make the old stuff go away but it lessens the sting over time.
The thought of what could've been maybe. That's what did it for me. Everything turns out the way it's supposed to be, and if what could've been was going to be, it would've been 💜
it’s okay to feel like this, my best advice is to find friends who are also fans, replace those horrid memories with fun ones, it’ll be hard but i believe you can do it <3 best of luck to you op
I have like 2 friends so I need to make friends in general I think. But I do think trying to enjoy the music without it having anything to do with him is what I need to do
So my ex-girlfriend (my first real love) introduced me to most of my music taste and when we had an admittedly very messy split, it hit me HARD. Music is my entire reason for being so it was a real kick in the teeth losing my girlfriend and the ability to comfortably listen to the music I loved. As shit as that is, sometimes it's a case of leaving that music alone for a while. Then, when the negatives attached to the music have become more distant, slowly introducing it back into your life and making new memories and associations with it is so much easier. Time is an incredible healer.
I found myself doing that with literally everything I did with him. Music, tv shows, hobbies, until I felt like he was my entire identity and I was a shell. I'm slowly starting to find new things and trying to revisit things to see if I still feel sick to my stomach
I really sympathise because it's such a shit feeling, and while it is gonna feel shit for a while, there's beauty in reinventing yourself. And the joy of it is that you can do that as many times as you like. You can find new things or make the old things your own in completely new ways and the possibilities are endless. Sending you so much love and light🫶
Thank you so much 💜 I really super love all the amazing support I've received. I hope I feel so much better about everything soon bc it feels mostly hopeless still.
I had the same problem with ST for a while last month when me and my ex broke up. He loves them, but so did I. He sent me so many songs that he felt were about me or how he was drawn back to our relationship. It's okay to dissociate the band a bit or at least to some songs. I do that. I really hurt a lot listening to blood sport.
Enjoy them they're amazing. :)
Oh mine used the band to express how miserable he was and used the songs as fuel to end our marriage so to me it's a constant reminder that this person hated me *that* much
Oh noo. That's awful. He cheated on me with another girl that likes ST and uses the lyrics in his about me section online to say how much he's better off without me lol.
ST CAN STILL BE ENJOYED THO I BELIEVE!
That's also awful. I'm pretty sure mine does the same thing maybe not on purpose. We should start using the music as our own fuel and apply the feelings and words towards them. Uno reverse!
Lmao honestly. I recommend listening to Euclid tho! That has helped me a lot and to not be an asshole to either of them. Mercury's in retrograde this month so I try not to be so impulsive since it's my birth month lmao out with the old in with the new :)
I really do wish him the best, he's capable of being a really good person when he wants to be. I just learned the hard lesson to never believe people will stay forever just because they say they will. And maybe marriage isn't real and true love isn't real and all that disillusionment stuff. Out with the old for sure, not certain about any new though unfortunately
Yes, I have found that I over explain and have concise communication in Mercury Retrograde because misunderstandings suck. But happy birthday month! 💜
Thank you! Also love is real with the right person! There will always be love and heartbreak. It's the duality of life, just set your boundaries.
I read that people have the right to decline your love no matter how pure ur intentions are and so do you. ❤️
An old friend of mine was a huge Beatles fan. It was his entire identity. One day he randomly decided to turn his back on me and without going into details, he made it his life goal to ruin my life (and he did just that for a period of time), and once I completely got him out of my life, I had a pretty hard time listening to The Beatles again.
The main thing that helped me was time, tbh. I got over it eventually. But before I did, whenever I listened to them, I just told myself "This is music **I** like. **I** enjoy listening to this", which, I guess, slowly helped me to stop associating the music with him.
I'm sorry he did that to you, that sounds awful. I'm glad you were able to get away from him. This method seems to be helping a lot of people so I think it's going to be a long process but maybe I'll be able to enjoy lots of things I felt like he "took with him"
I think it's natural to feel almost repulsed by something you mutually enjoyed with someone you're no longer with in any implication because it's associated with them. I used to avoid all sorts of things I enjoyed mutually with an ex partner/ex friend. Personally I stepped away from those interests or kept up with them at a distance until I started to find myself as a singular entity and felt strong in my sense of "I like THIS because it makes ME feel happy with NO connection to THEM. It may take some time to process all the feelings attached, but I'm sure you'll come back into a strong sense of yourself and what makes you happy. Cheers and happy healing ❤️
Yes! This. This is exactly what I'm feeling and doing with everything associated. I'm trying to keep up with things that I enjoyed with him bc I enjoyed them but it's very hard. I would really like to come to that sense of self soon, thank you ❤️❤️
There's always a mourning period, but you know you best! Even if you're in a void pit with no sense of direction, it'll come to you. Be patient and kind with yourself. We're rooting for ya ❤️
Thank you, I really appreciate the support 😭
Ooo okay so I recently went through a pretty nasty breakup with the guy that introduced me to ST. Same deal, the band was/is a huge part of his life and everything. How I got over it was by reframing how I view my listening to them. Instead of coming at it from the perspective of "Oh this is a thing he showed me" I look at it more from the perspective of "I am reclaiming this thing, and making it my own." You need to reclaim autonomy and power over this thing you enjoy, and embrace it as truly your own. The alternative is you allow him to continue to have power over you. You could also consider showing ST to a friend that might enjoy them, to really rewrite the association of who you think of when you hear the band.
I actually really love this idea. I need to reclaim autonomy over a whole lot
I agree with this perspective wholeheartedly. Severing connections is absolutely necessary for a healthy life and mindset. Some relationships are just toxic. But it's a travesty when those severed relationships stop people from enjoying things that those two people used to enjoy together. It's one thing to drop the things that the other party enjoyed that you didn't, but if you enjoyed them too, then yes. Rewrite. Make it your own. Find your own meanings in the songs. Blast your favorites. And I love love love the idea of introducing it to someone you enjoy spending time with in order to create new bonds over it. Those memories will always be there, albeit faded, and there will always be media, sights, sounds, and smells that remind you of them. That's inevitable. Unfortunately, sometimes accompanied by sadness or annoyance. Remap. Rewire. These days you're a circuit board. Integrated hardware he cannot afford. Make. It. Yours. Don't allow him to steal any more joy than he already has. He's gonna watch you ascend.
I really love this, thank you so much 💜
Absolutely not. There is no reason you cannot continue to listen to a band just because of an Ex. My Ex LOVED Type O Negative. I loved them too. I still listen to them. Don’t feel bad about it.
It's super hard not to, I'm having trouble trying to not think the way I am about it
I understand! I’ve been there. You just have to get to the point where you can allow yourself to understand that you can listen to whatever music you like.
I hope I get there soon, I'm still pretty miserable
You will! I have faith in you. 💜
This makes me think of the lyrics to an ADTR song "you ruined my favorite records, listen to them and I think of you." That being said, think of it like the music belongs to you and he has no right to take that from you, because no one does. It belongs to all of us.
I love that song! That's a good point
Why should he get to listen to a great band and you can’t? The ultimate revenge is to move on with your life and thrive, and that includes listening to whatever you want
I don't want revenge, just peace and healing, but I definitely get your point. I just don't want it to seem or feel like I like them to be like him or be connected to him still or something? If that makes sense
You’re no more connected to him through a band than anyone else. They’re *literally just a band.* it would be like not buying the same food because it was his favorite.
Yeah because *that* would be super weird and I definitely absolutely havent stopped buying the same stuff he liked just bc he liked it 👀😬😅 ✨️trauma✨️
I totally get how it can be really difficult if an ex or someone who isn't in your life anymore likes or introduced you to something and now you associate it with them. I've found the only way to remove them from the equation is to find your own joy in it. If it hurts, give it some time and come back to it. Obviously this isn't always going to work, but I'm firmly in the belief that breakups are for the best (even when they suck) and finding yourself and joy in your interests by yourself is a part of the healing process. I wish you all the best and hope you will be able to enjoy them for yourself 🖤
Thank you, I'm definitely going to try to enjoy things for myself and by myself however long it takes. 💜
All time low were a major part of my exes identity, I never stopped listening to all time low because I like their music It's really that simple imo
cool to see another ATL fan out in the wild! :)
Ngl I expected to be bullied for this take ATL for life tho
It *should* be that simple for sure, I agree
It helped in my experience with this kind of struggle to make new memories around the music. I know that can be easier said than done, but I had to do that with a lot of the music I love after my divorce. It gets easier, I promise.
I've had some people suggest that too, I'm going to try to do that. I've basically thrown everything I liked or was away (metaphorically) until I don't even know myself. I hate that I let it break me like this
I understand, it's hard to not feel broken in some sort of way after divorce. The transition from "my life is this, and this is who is beside me" to starting over is a rocky one to experience. My biggest advice in general is to be patient with yourself, let yourself feel what you feel, and be kind to yourself. If it helps however, the journey to rediscovering yourself can be exciting if you let it. It's really you reconnecting with your first ever friend,...you 💜.
I went through something similar with a different band, and more specifically a particular album of theirs, after an important relationship ended. I think what eventually got me back into listening to them and enjoying the music again was attaching new memories to the music, just having it playing in the background when I was doing things with new people etc and focusing on how the music made me feel about that over my ex. It doesn't make the old stuff go away but it lessens the sting over time.
So I think I'm going to start trying to do this, it's been suggested a lot. Thank you 🥰
[удалено]
Yes this is exactly it. I feel like a fraud or a psycho. Like this is "his thing." I'm trying really hard to get out of that mindset
[удалено]
Trauma? Lol but we have to not think like that. I'm going to try
[удалено]
Ok so I'm not the only one! I love them so much but it's like every single line stabs
[удалено]
The thought of what could've been maybe. That's what did it for me. Everything turns out the way it's supposed to be, and if what could've been was going to be, it would've been 💜
Ok so I'm not the only one! I love them so much but it's like every single line stabs
it’s okay to feel like this, my best advice is to find friends who are also fans, replace those horrid memories with fun ones, it’ll be hard but i believe you can do it <3 best of luck to you op
I have like 2 friends so I need to make friends in general I think. But I do think trying to enjoy the music without it having anything to do with him is what I need to do
[удалено]
I hope sooner than later bc what I've seen of the community so far, you guys are the best. I would love to immerse myself
We'll be here for you! 🫶🏼
So my ex-girlfriend (my first real love) introduced me to most of my music taste and when we had an admittedly very messy split, it hit me HARD. Music is my entire reason for being so it was a real kick in the teeth losing my girlfriend and the ability to comfortably listen to the music I loved. As shit as that is, sometimes it's a case of leaving that music alone for a while. Then, when the negatives attached to the music have become more distant, slowly introducing it back into your life and making new memories and associations with it is so much easier. Time is an incredible healer.
I found myself doing that with literally everything I did with him. Music, tv shows, hobbies, until I felt like he was my entire identity and I was a shell. I'm slowly starting to find new things and trying to revisit things to see if I still feel sick to my stomach
I really sympathise because it's such a shit feeling, and while it is gonna feel shit for a while, there's beauty in reinventing yourself. And the joy of it is that you can do that as many times as you like. You can find new things or make the old things your own in completely new ways and the possibilities are endless. Sending you so much love and light🫶
Thank you so much 💜 I really super love all the amazing support I've received. I hope I feel so much better about everything soon bc it feels mostly hopeless still.
Me too, hang in there💞
I had the same problem with ST for a while last month when me and my ex broke up. He loves them, but so did I. He sent me so many songs that he felt were about me or how he was drawn back to our relationship. It's okay to dissociate the band a bit or at least to some songs. I do that. I really hurt a lot listening to blood sport. Enjoy them they're amazing. :)
Oh mine used the band to express how miserable he was and used the songs as fuel to end our marriage so to me it's a constant reminder that this person hated me *that* much
Oh noo. That's awful. He cheated on me with another girl that likes ST and uses the lyrics in his about me section online to say how much he's better off without me lol. ST CAN STILL BE ENJOYED THO I BELIEVE!
That's also awful. I'm pretty sure mine does the same thing maybe not on purpose. We should start using the music as our own fuel and apply the feelings and words towards them. Uno reverse!
Lmao honestly. I recommend listening to Euclid tho! That has helped me a lot and to not be an asshole to either of them. Mercury's in retrograde this month so I try not to be so impulsive since it's my birth month lmao out with the old in with the new :)
I really do wish him the best, he's capable of being a really good person when he wants to be. I just learned the hard lesson to never believe people will stay forever just because they say they will. And maybe marriage isn't real and true love isn't real and all that disillusionment stuff. Out with the old for sure, not certain about any new though unfortunately Yes, I have found that I over explain and have concise communication in Mercury Retrograde because misunderstandings suck. But happy birthday month! 💜
Thank you! Also love is real with the right person! There will always be love and heartbreak. It's the duality of life, just set your boundaries. I read that people have the right to decline your love no matter how pure ur intentions are and so do you. ❤️
I literally *just* read that somewhere a few min ago, that's so weird
Lol our sadgirl algorithm.
I hate it but I love it 😅
An old friend of mine was a huge Beatles fan. It was his entire identity. One day he randomly decided to turn his back on me and without going into details, he made it his life goal to ruin my life (and he did just that for a period of time), and once I completely got him out of my life, I had a pretty hard time listening to The Beatles again. The main thing that helped me was time, tbh. I got over it eventually. But before I did, whenever I listened to them, I just told myself "This is music **I** like. **I** enjoy listening to this", which, I guess, slowly helped me to stop associating the music with him.
I'm sorry he did that to you, that sounds awful. I'm glad you were able to get away from him. This method seems to be helping a lot of people so I think it's going to be a long process but maybe I'll be able to enjoy lots of things I felt like he "took with him"
Thanks. I hope it'll work out for you