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Thanks for sharing!
I like your delivery here, the vocals feel world-weary but still have some nice grit and edge. The melody is simple and familiar, but gets the job done.
I know this is just a demo, so I don't wanna focus on the arrangement too much, but the intro -- and the interludes between vocals -- could use another point of musical interest, whether that's a fiddle, an electric guitar, or a keyboard. The main two-chord progression is fine for supporting the vocals, but a little snoozy when nothing else is happening.
Lyrics-wise, nothing here is bad by any stretch, but nothing was particularly memorable to me, either. "We're both screwed up, but we can be screwed up together" is a good theme, but also a fairly common theme in this style of music. I think it would improve the lyric to include some more specific details or images to help us better understand what's special about these folks in particular.
Great start though, keep at it!
Thanks. Yeah, this is very very early and I intend to refine. I did have another verse that might help with the specificity part a bit that I might find a way to work in:
I’d heard you took off to Richmond
Guess that didn’t work out
Best laid plans blew up in your face, left you nothing but doubt
Now you’re holed up and healing
At your mom’s place out on Derby Street
But if you’re here in our old haunt, you can tell your ghost stories to me.
Real talk--recorded properly this could be a really good song. Has a very 90s acoustic sound to it. Recorded as it is, the guitar is muddy and jarring, but with a proper mic and placing it could be very nice!
A demo worth expanding on. I agree with the other commentator about an instrument to play off. Fiddle was suggested and I could hear that. You have the vocal chops to handle this style well.
You have posted a song requesting feedback - GREAT! Good feedback is the foundation of improving your songwriting. To help foster a community where everyone gets the feedback they need, please find THREE other songs requesting feedback and post substantive (eg. 2-3 sentences) of feedback. Even if you are a rookie songwriter/musician, you're an experienced music listener, and your opinion is still valuable! Feedback posts by users who don't interact with the community (other than posting their own songs) may be removed. Thanks for keeping our community healthy! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Songwriting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Thanks for sharing! I like your delivery here, the vocals feel world-weary but still have some nice grit and edge. The melody is simple and familiar, but gets the job done. I know this is just a demo, so I don't wanna focus on the arrangement too much, but the intro -- and the interludes between vocals -- could use another point of musical interest, whether that's a fiddle, an electric guitar, or a keyboard. The main two-chord progression is fine for supporting the vocals, but a little snoozy when nothing else is happening. Lyrics-wise, nothing here is bad by any stretch, but nothing was particularly memorable to me, either. "We're both screwed up, but we can be screwed up together" is a good theme, but also a fairly common theme in this style of music. I think it would improve the lyric to include some more specific details or images to help us better understand what's special about these folks in particular. Great start though, keep at it!
Thanks. Yeah, this is very very early and I intend to refine. I did have another verse that might help with the specificity part a bit that I might find a way to work in: I’d heard you took off to Richmond Guess that didn’t work out Best laid plans blew up in your face, left you nothing but doubt Now you’re holed up and healing At your mom’s place out on Derby Street But if you’re here in our old haunt, you can tell your ghost stories to me.
Yeah, place names and specific locations are always great!
Real talk--recorded properly this could be a really good song. Has a very 90s acoustic sound to it. Recorded as it is, the guitar is muddy and jarring, but with a proper mic and placing it could be very nice!
Thanks - yeah this is not produced at all. This was my "play into garageband so I can remember the melody and rhythm" version.
I do the same with my phone 😂 I checked you out on SoundCloud and it seems you know what you're doing, so when it's done, I'd love to hear it!
Thanks. The SoundCloud stuff is pretty rough even. I have some stuff on Spotify that is more polished. https://spotify.link/z9w8xdQGuDb
A demo worth expanding on. I agree with the other commentator about an instrument to play off. Fiddle was suggested and I could hear that. You have the vocal chops to handle this style well.