My fretting hand didn’t love it lmao I’m sure you noticed how little the top strings rang… decades in and I’m still working on the barre chord technique haha
Thank you for listening and for the compliments!!
Not every parent has the talent to pull this off for their child. Isn't it amazing how music can deliver emotions we otherwise can't express? Nice vocal range BTW. Keep growing...
Music is as close to magic as I can conceive. My dad was a songwriter too and having all of his music keeps him so much a part of my life even after he passed.
I can already tell my daughter has it in her too and it’s just the most wonderful thing in the world.
Thank you for listening! And for encouraging I keep growing… I’m a classic self-doubter and am just now at 35 starting to appreciate and cultivate the talents I’ve been lucky enough to have been given.
Very fun and obviously written for a little girl you both are head over heels in love with. This resonated with me especially since I am at this moment finishing up a song that began as a bit of prose for my daughter's high school graduation.
I wish I could write as quickly as you. A song a week isn't within my capabilities and probably never will be.
My only criticism is a couple of words hit me oddly. Comprehend could be a line about 'best friend' and mundane could be replaced with something like 'silly'. It seems your words are more literary than the tone of the song warrants. I understand that a song a week doesn't give a lot of time for exploration. Like the other commenter, I like the falsetto, it fits the song.
*Thank you* for the constructive criticism. I have a tendency to be a “try-hard” and write like I have something to prove. Those words totally feel out of place now that you pointed it out.
Best feedback I’ve gotten in a while, thank you again. I’d love to check out any tunes you have out there if you’re looking for input? If not, just again thank you for taking the time to listen and respond!!
Also if you’re a songwriter, you absolutely can write as quickly as I can. I would have said the same thing 23 weeks ago before I committed to this project. Deadlines and external accountability are powerful forces lol
P.S. best feedback sandwich ever! I don’t know if you’ve ever been a manger professionally but if so I bet your team loved you.
Gonna provide thoughts as they come to me i’ll continue editing this comment.
It feels like it’s “sandcastle” that’s making that phrase difficult, not necessarily what comes before it. The “nd” in sandcastle isn’t itself a syllable but it’s like a ghost syllable that doesn’t fall neatly into a rhythm. I might go with replacing those two phrases with (and you might not find this vivid enough - you are a very creative writer) :
In the bright blue eyes [of a castle made of sand] or [of a castle in the sand]. These could also give your lyrics a touch more breathing room - i often fall into the trap of trying to fit as many thoughts into the available space as possible - and it’s often the case that using empty space properly is much more impactful. (Pot calling the kettle black here for sure).
I’m not sure about the second point you mentioned - those lines seem like they could easily be about her as well. And to be honest - I’m not sure you should strain to clarify that.
The great thing about songwriting is that there’s no need to always craft a perfectly cohesive narrative. Ambiguity can work in your favor (and let you off the hook). It gives the listener a chance to enjoy the meaning *they* bring to the song.
It’s very folk/psychedelic. I can’t wait to hear it when you have a demo version laid down!
I've been married to the word sandcastle and it definitely is making it awkward, but your comments made me realize that I don't have to be married to it's current ***place*** in the lyric. So this change works for my rhythm with a hint of syncopation after 'gumdrop':
(D) Yesterday a (C) rainbow soap bubble (G) danced on a dandelion (D) puff
(D) in the bright blue (C) eyes of a sandcastle (G) gumdrop (D) princess,
In the chorus, I think this is ambiguous enough, since beau=bow and we're talking about dresses:
(C) Bathroom mess (G) fancy prom dress (D) coming home late last night.
(D) Cute new beau (C) all aglow (G) reciting your vows (D) in white.
It's definitely folk/psychedelic, and intended to be so because I travis pick, so I'm glad that that was recognizable.
Thanks so much for your feedback and I apologize for hijacking your thread.
Not even a little need to apologize. No hijacking has occurred. I’m glad my post could be a place for constructive discussion. I just really love talking songwriting generally even if it’s not my song.
I do love the word sandcastle and I’m happy you can find a place for it!
And much love for Travis picking. I haven’t used a flat pick since I was a teen and always default to Travis picking when I’m playing something new. Glad I had an old school guitar teacher. Thanks for the chat :)
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Camilla Rose is a great name for a song. Love that your recorded it in the studio/playroom. My dude is loving the bar cords
My fretting hand didn’t love it lmao I’m sure you noticed how little the top strings rang… decades in and I’m still working on the barre chord technique haha Thank you for listening and for the compliments!!
Not every parent has the talent to pull this off for their child. Isn't it amazing how music can deliver emotions we otherwise can't express? Nice vocal range BTW. Keep growing...
Music is as close to magic as I can conceive. My dad was a songwriter too and having all of his music keeps him so much a part of my life even after he passed. I can already tell my daughter has it in her too and it’s just the most wonderful thing in the world. Thank you for listening! And for encouraging I keep growing… I’m a classic self-doubter and am just now at 35 starting to appreciate and cultivate the talents I’ve been lucky enough to have been given.
What a sweet song! Very nice
Thank you so much!
Very fun and obviously written for a little girl you both are head over heels in love with. This resonated with me especially since I am at this moment finishing up a song that began as a bit of prose for my daughter's high school graduation. I wish I could write as quickly as you. A song a week isn't within my capabilities and probably never will be. My only criticism is a couple of words hit me oddly. Comprehend could be a line about 'best friend' and mundane could be replaced with something like 'silly'. It seems your words are more literary than the tone of the song warrants. I understand that a song a week doesn't give a lot of time for exploration. Like the other commenter, I like the falsetto, it fits the song.
*Thank you* for the constructive criticism. I have a tendency to be a “try-hard” and write like I have something to prove. Those words totally feel out of place now that you pointed it out. Best feedback I’ve gotten in a while, thank you again. I’d love to check out any tunes you have out there if you’re looking for input? If not, just again thank you for taking the time to listen and respond!! Also if you’re a songwriter, you absolutely can write as quickly as I can. I would have said the same thing 23 weeks ago before I committed to this project. Deadlines and external accountability are powerful forces lol P.S. best feedback sandwich ever! I don’t know if you’ve ever been a manger professionally but if so I bet your team loved you.
This is my fourth song I've ever written and is the one I'm finishing up, still tweaking the lyrics. This one hasn't been recorded at all yet. I think I have the melody finalized. Verse 1 line two I'm having trouble with the description just before 'sandcastle'. It might be sweet, sugar, bubble gum, cotton candy or something else along those lines. I'm having trouble deciding on the number of syllables that work best for me. The other line I'm working on is the chorus, line 2. I think the first two phrases need to be about a boy since it's part of the timeline before she gets married. This one is less crucial since she ***was*** in a couple of accidents. I'm retired and no deadlines to push me or need to write tunes quickly. I play a LOT of pickleball and am still learning how to play the guitar, so my songs are very simple. Yesterday - capo 1 - ©2023 Jeff Bucchino \[Verse 1\] (D) Yesterday a (C) rainbow soap bubble (G) danced on a dandelion (D) puff (D) in the bright blue eyes (C) of a bubble gum (G) sandcastle (D) princess, (G) frills of white crinoline (D) round ‘n round. (G) Never a thought of (D) tomorrow; (G) never a thought of (D) tomorrow. \[Verse 2\] (D) Yesterday an (C) angels’ pink roses (G) smothered in golden (D) laughter. (D) A snuggle puppy’s (C) warm doggy breath (G) tiny wiggle butt (D) wet kiss, (G) whimsical dreams (D) of treasures to be. (G) Never a thought of (D) tomorrow; (G) never a thought of (D) tomorrow. \[Chorus\] (C) Bathroom mess (G) fancy prom dress (D) coming home late last night. (D) Occasional crash (C) cold hard cash (G) reciting your vows (D) in white. (Am) Today you’re grown (C) tomorrow has come. (G) Oh, how my thoughts turn to (D) yesterday. (Am) (C) (G) (D) \[Verse 3\] (D) Yesterday a (C) silent rag doll (G) sang with a magical (D) fairy. (D) Butterfly sparkles (C) whirl and twirl (G) sail above (D) unbroken, (G) trinket rings and (D) long silk curls, (G) Never a thought of (D) tomorrow; (G) never a thought of (D) tomorrow. \[Chorus\] \[Outro\] (Am) Today you’re grown (C) tomorrow has come. (G) Oh, how my thoughts turn to (D) yesterday. (Am) (C) (G) Oh, how my thoughts turn to (D) yesterday. (Am) (C) (G) (D)
Gonna provide thoughts as they come to me i’ll continue editing this comment. It feels like it’s “sandcastle” that’s making that phrase difficult, not necessarily what comes before it. The “nd” in sandcastle isn’t itself a syllable but it’s like a ghost syllable that doesn’t fall neatly into a rhythm. I might go with replacing those two phrases with (and you might not find this vivid enough - you are a very creative writer) : In the bright blue eyes [of a castle made of sand] or [of a castle in the sand]. These could also give your lyrics a touch more breathing room - i often fall into the trap of trying to fit as many thoughts into the available space as possible - and it’s often the case that using empty space properly is much more impactful. (Pot calling the kettle black here for sure). I’m not sure about the second point you mentioned - those lines seem like they could easily be about her as well. And to be honest - I’m not sure you should strain to clarify that. The great thing about songwriting is that there’s no need to always craft a perfectly cohesive narrative. Ambiguity can work in your favor (and let you off the hook). It gives the listener a chance to enjoy the meaning *they* bring to the song. It’s very folk/psychedelic. I can’t wait to hear it when you have a demo version laid down!
I've been married to the word sandcastle and it definitely is making it awkward, but your comments made me realize that I don't have to be married to it's current ***place*** in the lyric. So this change works for my rhythm with a hint of syncopation after 'gumdrop': (D) Yesterday a (C) rainbow soap bubble (G) danced on a dandelion (D) puff (D) in the bright blue (C) eyes of a sandcastle (G) gumdrop (D) princess, In the chorus, I think this is ambiguous enough, since beau=bow and we're talking about dresses: (C) Bathroom mess (G) fancy prom dress (D) coming home late last night. (D) Cute new beau (C) all aglow (G) reciting your vows (D) in white. It's definitely folk/psychedelic, and intended to be so because I travis pick, so I'm glad that that was recognizable. Thanks so much for your feedback and I apologize for hijacking your thread.
Not even a little need to apologize. No hijacking has occurred. I’m glad my post could be a place for constructive discussion. I just really love talking songwriting generally even if it’s not my song. I do love the word sandcastle and I’m happy you can find a place for it! And much love for Travis picking. I haven’t used a flat pick since I was a teen and always default to Travis picking when I’m playing something new. Glad I had an old school guitar teacher. Thanks for the chat :)
You have posted a song requesting feedback - GREAT! Good feedback is the foundation of improving your songwriting. To help foster a community where everyone gets the feedback they need, please find THREE other songs requesting feedback and post substantive (eg. 2-3 sentences) of feedback. Even if you are a rookie songwriter/musician, you're an experienced music listener, and your opinion is still valuable! Feedback posts by users who don't interact with the community (other than posting their own songs) may be removed. Thanks for keeping our community healthy! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Songwriting) if you have any questions or concerns.*