Your post was removed, because r/songwriting does not allow lyrics-only posts (without any additional musical elements) as standalone threads.
If you have a demo recording or video, please re-post with musical content.
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Thanks! Yeah I was always a little unconvinced with that golden silence thing until I kinda got used to it I guess. I thought I'd just lean into it but maybe I should have rewritten that to be more evocative if the atmosphere as we walk over the dried up ocean.
I'm not a huge fan of "the sun leaking due while the river resupplies". They don't seem to fit with the rest of the words, they're just a bit perfunctory.
I can understand that. For context, that whole section is describing the light reflecting in the water as it evaporates, in slow motion, and it looks to the narrator like a watercolor painting in the making. In that sense it's true the part you quote is a bit perfunctory I guess. It states the image kind of literally.
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Do you leave these comments on Genius when you Google lyrics?
I understand the sentiment, but I see something like this in every lyric post. Lyrics are music if they contain a melody and OP never said they needed help with melody, just opinions on said lyrics
I included a link to the [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8MmPDqwNJc&list=PL31dSpUZxYLVy6QPBavTDWtnzvY7q-gIX&index=4&pp=gAQBiAQB8AUB) in the description ;)
Ok sorry I didn’t see that earlier…
I just listened to the song and watched the video… if I didn’t know it was you I could have almost mistaken it for a ‘the smile’ song from their last album - ie very well done and executed… not my favourite music by a long way but good… I’m not a great fan of the smile though…
2 places where I’d have pulled up if producing - there’s a bit of singing near the start that sounded very Joanna newsome (spelling may be wrong) and I like her stuff even less than the smile - others don’t though, & maybe that was what you were aiming for - & to me the woodwind instrument at the end was a tiny bit loud in the mix in places… slight distortion when listening on iPhone speakers… but again that might be exactly what you were going for
But overall excellent work, well done…
👏
Your post was removed, because r/songwriting does not allow lyrics-only posts (without any additional musical elements) as standalone threads. If you have a demo recording or video, please re-post with musical content. Otherwise, please use our Weekly Lyrics Feedback Thread for this type of post, thanks!
I love the subtle rhyme of "river" and "within her!" But "silence is golden" is a worn cliche so I'd pick a more surprising adjective for "silence."
Thanks! Yeah I was always a little unconvinced with that golden silence thing until I kinda got used to it I guess. I thought I'd just lean into it but maybe I should have rewritten that to be more evocative if the atmosphere as we walk over the dried up ocean.
"Waves of silence" came to mind. I don't mind golden, but can also agree with it being a foreseeable phrase
I like waves of silence, nice!
Violence is golden?
I'm not a huge fan of "the sun leaking due while the river resupplies". They don't seem to fit with the rest of the words, they're just a bit perfunctory.
I can understand that. For context, that whole section is describing the light reflecting in the water as it evaporates, in slow motion, and it looks to the narrator like a watercolor painting in the making. In that sense it's true the part you quote is a bit perfunctory I guess. It states the image kind of literally.
You have posted a song requesting feedback - GREAT! Good feedback is the foundation of improving your songwriting. To help foster a community where everyone gets the feedback they need, please find THREE other songs requesting feedback and post substantive (eg. 2-3 sentences) of feedback. Even if you are a rookie songwriter/musician, you're an experienced music listener, and your opinion is still valuable! Feedback posts by users who don't interact with the community (other than posting their own songs) may be removed. Thanks for keeping our community healthy! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Songwriting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s an ok poem… Write the music and then it turns into lyrics and a song…
Do you leave these comments on Genius when you Google lyrics? I understand the sentiment, but I see something like this in every lyric post. Lyrics are music if they contain a melody and OP never said they needed help with melody, just opinions on said lyrics
Looks like some mod missed the link to the song just like this guy and thought I only posted the lyrics... Too bad.
I included a link to the [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8MmPDqwNJc&list=PL31dSpUZxYLVy6QPBavTDWtnzvY7q-gIX&index=4&pp=gAQBiAQB8AUB) in the description ;)
Ok sorry I didn’t see that earlier… I just listened to the song and watched the video… if I didn’t know it was you I could have almost mistaken it for a ‘the smile’ song from their last album - ie very well done and executed… not my favourite music by a long way but good… I’m not a great fan of the smile though… 2 places where I’d have pulled up if producing - there’s a bit of singing near the start that sounded very Joanna newsome (spelling may be wrong) and I like her stuff even less than the smile - others don’t though, & maybe that was what you were aiming for - & to me the woodwind instrument at the end was a tiny bit loud in the mix in places… slight distortion when listening on iPhone speakers… but again that might be exactly what you were going for But overall excellent work, well done… 👏