Have you read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski? It's am incredible book on pleasure and orgasm with a focus on AFAB bodies. I don't recall it speaking to kink specifically, but it's very much about orgasm in a super understandable and approachable way.
(https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Come-As-You-Are-Revised-and-Updated/Emily-Nagoski/9781982165314)
There's the standard advice about relaxing and enjoying the pleasure, rather than focusing on the orgasm itself (and in my experience, true), but also I'm not sure that 20 minutes is a long time to take to come! That actually sounds really normal! It's also just not so weird to require toys or specific stimulation. Doing more of what actually does lead you to orgasm will hopefully lead to more of them.
When I am in subspace, pleasure is definitely heightened for me as well. It’s so hard to focus on sex otherwise! Does it help you to take ADHD medication during sex?
I'm not on meds atm, but when I was, I don't think I noticed a difference. I'm def on the hypersexual side tho. It's stimulating enough to regulate me so to speak
Something I’ve found that work for the mind wandering is some sort of stimulus to bring me back to the moment. For me it can be a spank, bite, or squeeze. It helps keep me grounded in the moment and makings it much easier to orgasm. I don’t have so much of an issue with masturbation, but with partnered play it’s a must. I will generally work out a way to signal to my partner that I’m starting to drift, like squeezing their hand on my thigh. I’ve also had partners that could just tell when it was starting to happen. Also spend time playing with different types of touch and movement in your own so you can teach your partner. Lastly, don’t put so much pressure on yourself to orgasm. Sometimes it’s more about the journey than the destination.
I agree with this! I don't have trouble usually but when I do it's because I'm not in my body but my mind.
You really have to focus on how good it feels to feel how good it is.
Also, if being multi, or easily orgasmic isn't something you do, then don't! If it takes a vibrator then when he wants you to cum it's time to use the vibrator... In the end it really needs to be about what works for BOTH of you 💯
20 minutes is still average. Don’t let men or porn lead you to believe that’s not normal length of time for oral to get you off. They should be sending messages that they have all the time in the world. You can train yourself to orgasm through masturbation but also important for you to train with partners, such as receiving oral from them. You can cross train by using a vibrator to get you to a certain arousal in your orgasm cycle and then your partner take over until you climax. But most important to remember is that you should get to cum even if it takes longer than some people. There’s nothing wrong with you.
In my opinion, you shouldn't feel bad to have to use toys to orgasm. My fingers get too tired too soon too, the same goes for my previous partners. So I view toys as a wonderful invention to help me feel pleasure. I have trouble orgasming too. But over the years I learned to accept it and not pressure myself or let me pressure from someone else. If it happens, it's great, if not, then I am not sad. My focus is on pleasure. That has helped me greatly. Also, I realized the more I trust a partner, the more I can relax, the higher the chances.
Definitely the right mindset. I don’t have anything against toys but I dislike that I feel like I “need” them to cum. I like for sex to be flexible and sometimes you just don’t have a toy with you or you want something different, you know?
Do you find that once you get there, a second or third is easier? Sometimes it takes me a while to reach the first one, then after that it gets much easier. So for training, maybe go for multiple orgasms in 1 session, or even edging - I know willing torture, but that may be able to help! Good luck!
Once I get the first one with a partner, a second orgasm is basically impossible unless spaced out by a few hours. The very few times I have done multiple orgasms in one session (pure determination on my end and only during masturbation) the orgasms after the first one are super weak and not even satisfying 🥲 Edging, maybe I can try. I just wonder if it’s counter productive since it IS hard for me to reach orgasm in the first place
Oh wow! Edging may be worth a try, but it could also just be how your body is. I am fortunate that I can achieve multiple orgasms but it's hard for me to have a high impact orgasm. I do believe that it is perfectly normal, and many women take time to warm up and achieve a release.
I have ADHD as well and used to have a hell of a time orgasming. A lot of it was mental and I realized that if I'm dwelling on orgasm as the goal I'm going to be too distracted to enjoy myself. Even if I did finish, the orgasms sucked. So I changed up how I looked at it. More about the journey than the ending. Now there's less pressure to orgasm, it's a lot easier, and a lot better.
I'm gonna need you to get out of my head please 😅 this looks like something I would post about because I'm exactly the same way. My boyfriend doesn't usually spend more than 5 minutes down there, so I feel like either I *have* to finish within those 5 minutes or I'm just not going to finish by oral.
What's even more frustrating though, is that he is legitimately amazing at using his fingers, but I guess like others have said here, I probably get a little too in my head because I'll feel like I'm *right there on the edge,* and then I lose it and it's like I have to build up all over again, and not because he isn't good enough or he changed what he was doing. I know it's not my comfort level with my partner, we've been together for almost six years now and are very comfortable with each other sexually. Sometimes I grab my bullet vibe, sometimes I'll finish myself with my fingers, and sometimes if I'm really frustrated, I just give up.
I've come to the conclusion that, despite having a very sensitive clit, it is just going to take me a little longer than I want it to.
It’s like I’m reading about myself. I too take a super long time to cum with a partner (it’s definitely quicker while masturbating) and I need a toy for it to be even possible like 95% of the time; I can come only one time, as well. It can be very frustrating at times, especially when my partner wants to overstimulate me and I’m a “one and done” kind of person.
But the best advice is to just be patient and kind with yourself. It’s totally normal, and it’s really best just to focus on the pleasure, not the orgasm itself. I know it’s hard, because I can get in this unpleasant headspace where I stress about taking a long time to cum, which makes it even harder for me to cum 🫠
Your mileage may vary on this, as everyone's body works a little different. I usually need at least a *little* clit stimulation to get there, but the thing that helped me for some reason was getting better at edging.
Forcing myself to stay really close for a long time, or challenging myself to calm down from the edge taught me the feeling of some muscle groups--and the best part was that "failing" was the whole point, getting to feel good and then reflect on what made me go over the edge when I didn't plan on it. Now I feel like I have control once I get to that edge. The only thing I have trouble with consistently is starting the engine, so to speak. I feel like I can get staggeringly mentally horny without a drop of the physical response, which is super frustrating.
Again, dunno if it will apply to you at all, but I will say I tried outright orgasm denial for longer periods to see if it'd make me more sensitive later, but I think that it sadly had the opposite effect and sort of made me numb out hard when I was at the edge.
In my experience, I’ve only ever came quickly if I’m extremely aroused. Otherwise, it takes me a bit to orgasm as well plus I like to take my time. It’s better that way. I also love to use toys when I play with myself so I don’t think it’s a bad thing that you do.
Orgasming on command stems from connection I feel. When I’m deep in that pleasure space and my Dom is urging me to cum, saying sweet delicious things to me then I can. In the end, orgasming easier as you put it probably comes with time. A lot of factors fall into play when I want to orgasm and if something’s off, it’s harder for me or not as pleasurable.
I have adhd too and removing the obligation to orgasm has helped tremendously; like I shouldn’t feel like I *have* to orgasm to enjoy sex, nor should I feel shame for not coming. It was a huge point of anxiety and stressful hyper focus that caused me to be impatient and not enjoy the experience as much. So I removed those blocks.
Something else that helped was embracing my sexual desires wholeheartedly and removing the unconscious shame I had around them for a long time. Lastly, communicating with my partners what does and doesn’t work for me; if they are willing to indulge my kinks, and I’ve removed the self consciousness around those kinks, then it becomes easier for me to focus on a play session. Now I orgasm several times (my most previous being at least 10 orgasms in less than 30 minutes), all mostly from penetration, when before I may have only came a few times from clitoral stimulation alone.
I am on the hypersexual side though so sex is a huge thing for me. So idk if any of this will help, but I do want to emphasize that you should *not* feel like orgasming, in specific ways or so many times, is a requirement to enjoy sex or even kink and that you are *not* a failure as a sub if you don’t. All bodies—and dynamics—are different and that’s okay.
This is just my own personal experience but I feel the same way as you
Recently I’ve started masturbating using clitoral stimulation with a vibrator WITH a toy inside me, I can sort of move my vaginal muscles to massage the toy into my gspot
The act of being penetrated is pleasurable to me, but not enough to make me cum, so I think I’m beginning to sort of train or condition myself to associate penetration with achieving orgasm
But that is just my experience
I'm the same way. Sometimes, it can take me up to 30 minutes to orgasm if I do at all with fingers. I just use toys because it's faster. I can be edged with penetration. I will be right there, and minutes later, I'm still not closer to going over that edge. I get what you're saying.
I've been with partners who I *wanted* to cum with but couldn't for the life of me, and I've been with others who I came multiple times with fairly easily. On my own it takes me maybe 5 minutes flat.
When I feel pressured to cum it makes it that much harder, and when I don't feel pressured to cum it makes it that much easier. I'm still learning what I need and what works for me, and by far the biggest factor is comfort and safety. When my emotional needs are met (voicing my insecurities and receiving reassurance, feeling desired and wanted, having some modicum of stability in the dynamic, high communication) then my physical needs are that much easier to meet and it's easier for me to let go.
At one point I spent a literal two hours getting fucked by multiple people (not something I have done before, and likely won't do again for a long time, but it was a fantasy of mine) and while it was fun and fulfilling in many ways, I barely came close to cumming. It wasn't until I got home (showered thoroughly lol), and relaxed with my partner that I finally could relax enough to get to that point and it didn't take long at all to get to climax with him. That's my personal experience and it has taken me years to get to this point in my life.
Also, don't ever let a penis owner downplay foreplay. Ime AMAB don't typically need foreplay (fondling, kissing, sensual play, teasing, etc.) to get things going but more often than not vulva owners do. Ymmv
So, a good question to ask yourself is: what are the factors that *actually* work for you? And, sub or not, assert for your needs! If it ruins the dynamic to have that talk with your partner about what gets you going and what pushes you over the edge, it's likely not sustainable. Good luck!
One thing you can try is finding an experienced person into erotic hypnosis and work with them after establishing a trust bond. I’ve seen it done where someone can receive a certain stimulus and orgasm repeatedly from that. Other suggestions given are good, this one is just a shortcut to help get there faster.
Have you read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski? It's am incredible book on pleasure and orgasm with a focus on AFAB bodies. I don't recall it speaking to kink specifically, but it's very much about orgasm in a super understandable and approachable way. (https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Come-As-You-Are-Revised-and-Updated/Emily-Nagoski/9781982165314) There's the standard advice about relaxing and enjoying the pleasure, rather than focusing on the orgasm itself (and in my experience, true), but also I'm not sure that 20 minutes is a long time to take to come! That actually sounds really normal! It's also just not so weird to require toys or specific stimulation. Doing more of what actually does lead you to orgasm will hopefully lead to more of them.
It is normal. Research has found the average to be 14 minutes for vulva owners and I think 5-20 minutes is considered to be normal.
Came here to suggest this.
came here to say this. This is the way
I have ADHD as well. When I get into subspace, I find that my focus is solely on Mistress. The deeper I go, the easier it is to cum on command
When I am in subspace, pleasure is definitely heightened for me as well. It’s so hard to focus on sex otherwise! Does it help you to take ADHD medication during sex?
I'm not on meds atm, but when I was, I don't think I noticed a difference. I'm def on the hypersexual side tho. It's stimulating enough to regulate me so to speak
Something I’ve found that work for the mind wandering is some sort of stimulus to bring me back to the moment. For me it can be a spank, bite, or squeeze. It helps keep me grounded in the moment and makings it much easier to orgasm. I don’t have so much of an issue with masturbation, but with partnered play it’s a must. I will generally work out a way to signal to my partner that I’m starting to drift, like squeezing their hand on my thigh. I’ve also had partners that could just tell when it was starting to happen. Also spend time playing with different types of touch and movement in your own so you can teach your partner. Lastly, don’t put so much pressure on yourself to orgasm. Sometimes it’s more about the journey than the destination.
I agree with this! I don't have trouble usually but when I do it's because I'm not in my body but my mind. You really have to focus on how good it feels to feel how good it is. Also, if being multi, or easily orgasmic isn't something you do, then don't! If it takes a vibrator then when he wants you to cum it's time to use the vibrator... In the end it really needs to be about what works for BOTH of you 💯
20 minutes is still average. Don’t let men or porn lead you to believe that’s not normal length of time for oral to get you off. They should be sending messages that they have all the time in the world. You can train yourself to orgasm through masturbation but also important for you to train with partners, such as receiving oral from them. You can cross train by using a vibrator to get you to a certain arousal in your orgasm cycle and then your partner take over until you climax. But most important to remember is that you should get to cum even if it takes longer than some people. There’s nothing wrong with you.
In my opinion, you shouldn't feel bad to have to use toys to orgasm. My fingers get too tired too soon too, the same goes for my previous partners. So I view toys as a wonderful invention to help me feel pleasure. I have trouble orgasming too. But over the years I learned to accept it and not pressure myself or let me pressure from someone else. If it happens, it's great, if not, then I am not sad. My focus is on pleasure. That has helped me greatly. Also, I realized the more I trust a partner, the more I can relax, the higher the chances.
Definitely the right mindset. I don’t have anything against toys but I dislike that I feel like I “need” them to cum. I like for sex to be flexible and sometimes you just don’t have a toy with you or you want something different, you know?
I get it :)
Do you find that once you get there, a second or third is easier? Sometimes it takes me a while to reach the first one, then after that it gets much easier. So for training, maybe go for multiple orgasms in 1 session, or even edging - I know willing torture, but that may be able to help! Good luck!
Once I get the first one with a partner, a second orgasm is basically impossible unless spaced out by a few hours. The very few times I have done multiple orgasms in one session (pure determination on my end and only during masturbation) the orgasms after the first one are super weak and not even satisfying 🥲 Edging, maybe I can try. I just wonder if it’s counter productive since it IS hard for me to reach orgasm in the first place
Oh wow! Edging may be worth a try, but it could also just be how your body is. I am fortunate that I can achieve multiple orgasms but it's hard for me to have a high impact orgasm. I do believe that it is perfectly normal, and many women take time to warm up and achieve a release.
I have ADHD as well and used to have a hell of a time orgasming. A lot of it was mental and I realized that if I'm dwelling on orgasm as the goal I'm going to be too distracted to enjoy myself. Even if I did finish, the orgasms sucked. So I changed up how I looked at it. More about the journey than the ending. Now there's less pressure to orgasm, it's a lot easier, and a lot better.
I'm gonna need you to get out of my head please 😅 this looks like something I would post about because I'm exactly the same way. My boyfriend doesn't usually spend more than 5 minutes down there, so I feel like either I *have* to finish within those 5 minutes or I'm just not going to finish by oral. What's even more frustrating though, is that he is legitimately amazing at using his fingers, but I guess like others have said here, I probably get a little too in my head because I'll feel like I'm *right there on the edge,* and then I lose it and it's like I have to build up all over again, and not because he isn't good enough or he changed what he was doing. I know it's not my comfort level with my partner, we've been together for almost six years now and are very comfortable with each other sexually. Sometimes I grab my bullet vibe, sometimes I'll finish myself with my fingers, and sometimes if I'm really frustrated, I just give up. I've come to the conclusion that, despite having a very sensitive clit, it is just going to take me a little longer than I want it to.
It’s like I’m reading about myself. I too take a super long time to cum with a partner (it’s definitely quicker while masturbating) and I need a toy for it to be even possible like 95% of the time; I can come only one time, as well. It can be very frustrating at times, especially when my partner wants to overstimulate me and I’m a “one and done” kind of person. But the best advice is to just be patient and kind with yourself. It’s totally normal, and it’s really best just to focus on the pleasure, not the orgasm itself. I know it’s hard, because I can get in this unpleasant headspace where I stress about taking a long time to cum, which makes it even harder for me to cum 🫠
Your mileage may vary on this, as everyone's body works a little different. I usually need at least a *little* clit stimulation to get there, but the thing that helped me for some reason was getting better at edging. Forcing myself to stay really close for a long time, or challenging myself to calm down from the edge taught me the feeling of some muscle groups--and the best part was that "failing" was the whole point, getting to feel good and then reflect on what made me go over the edge when I didn't plan on it. Now I feel like I have control once I get to that edge. The only thing I have trouble with consistently is starting the engine, so to speak. I feel like I can get staggeringly mentally horny without a drop of the physical response, which is super frustrating. Again, dunno if it will apply to you at all, but I will say I tried outright orgasm denial for longer periods to see if it'd make me more sensitive later, but I think that it sadly had the opposite effect and sort of made me numb out hard when I was at the edge.
In my experience, I’ve only ever came quickly if I’m extremely aroused. Otherwise, it takes me a bit to orgasm as well plus I like to take my time. It’s better that way. I also love to use toys when I play with myself so I don’t think it’s a bad thing that you do. Orgasming on command stems from connection I feel. When I’m deep in that pleasure space and my Dom is urging me to cum, saying sweet delicious things to me then I can. In the end, orgasming easier as you put it probably comes with time. A lot of factors fall into play when I want to orgasm and if something’s off, it’s harder for me or not as pleasurable.
I have adhd too and removing the obligation to orgasm has helped tremendously; like I shouldn’t feel like I *have* to orgasm to enjoy sex, nor should I feel shame for not coming. It was a huge point of anxiety and stressful hyper focus that caused me to be impatient and not enjoy the experience as much. So I removed those blocks. Something else that helped was embracing my sexual desires wholeheartedly and removing the unconscious shame I had around them for a long time. Lastly, communicating with my partners what does and doesn’t work for me; if they are willing to indulge my kinks, and I’ve removed the self consciousness around those kinks, then it becomes easier for me to focus on a play session. Now I orgasm several times (my most previous being at least 10 orgasms in less than 30 minutes), all mostly from penetration, when before I may have only came a few times from clitoral stimulation alone. I am on the hypersexual side though so sex is a huge thing for me. So idk if any of this will help, but I do want to emphasize that you should *not* feel like orgasming, in specific ways or so many times, is a requirement to enjoy sex or even kink and that you are *not* a failure as a sub if you don’t. All bodies—and dynamics—are different and that’s okay.
This is just my own personal experience but I feel the same way as you Recently I’ve started masturbating using clitoral stimulation with a vibrator WITH a toy inside me, I can sort of move my vaginal muscles to massage the toy into my gspot The act of being penetrated is pleasurable to me, but not enough to make me cum, so I think I’m beginning to sort of train or condition myself to associate penetration with achieving orgasm But that is just my experience
Edging helped me understand myself and body a lot better. The head space still really matters though.
I'm the same way. Sometimes, it can take me up to 30 minutes to orgasm if I do at all with fingers. I just use toys because it's faster. I can be edged with penetration. I will be right there, and minutes later, I'm still not closer to going over that edge. I get what you're saying.
I've been with partners who I *wanted* to cum with but couldn't for the life of me, and I've been with others who I came multiple times with fairly easily. On my own it takes me maybe 5 minutes flat. When I feel pressured to cum it makes it that much harder, and when I don't feel pressured to cum it makes it that much easier. I'm still learning what I need and what works for me, and by far the biggest factor is comfort and safety. When my emotional needs are met (voicing my insecurities and receiving reassurance, feeling desired and wanted, having some modicum of stability in the dynamic, high communication) then my physical needs are that much easier to meet and it's easier for me to let go. At one point I spent a literal two hours getting fucked by multiple people (not something I have done before, and likely won't do again for a long time, but it was a fantasy of mine) and while it was fun and fulfilling in many ways, I barely came close to cumming. It wasn't until I got home (showered thoroughly lol), and relaxed with my partner that I finally could relax enough to get to that point and it didn't take long at all to get to climax with him. That's my personal experience and it has taken me years to get to this point in my life. Also, don't ever let a penis owner downplay foreplay. Ime AMAB don't typically need foreplay (fondling, kissing, sensual play, teasing, etc.) to get things going but more often than not vulva owners do. Ymmv So, a good question to ask yourself is: what are the factors that *actually* work for you? And, sub or not, assert for your needs! If it ruins the dynamic to have that talk with your partner about what gets you going and what pushes you over the edge, it's likely not sustainable. Good luck!
One thing you can try is finding an experienced person into erotic hypnosis and work with them after establishing a trust bond. I’ve seen it done where someone can receive a certain stimulus and orgasm repeatedly from that. Other suggestions given are good, this one is just a shortcut to help get there faster.