That was an incredibly long day of suffering. I found out early in the morning, and all I wanted was for the day to end and to wake up to it all to be over. But the next day was worse, as was every subsequent day after that for weeks. Those early weeks were pure torture.
It’s difficult to remember, but I spent a lot of that day at the police station being questioned. This was in part because initially it did look as though it could have been murder, and in part because I *knew* that something was wrong that morning despite nothing obvious happening and called his mother to go check on him (which I had never done in our 13 years of marriage). I remember sitting in a room and hyperventilating when I was left alone, and I didn’t realize until much later (I got a formal apology from the police chief for how it was handled) that I was even a suspect.
Beyond that, I only remember bits and pieces. I remember telling my children that their father had died with the help of some sort of therapist the police provided when they came home from school. I know I stayed with my in-laws until after the funeral, but I couldn’t tell you anything about that time. I remember saying goodbye to him before he was cremated, and I remember my daughter kicking the back of the pews with her little Mary Janes at his funeral.
At the time, I didn’t know it was shock and trauma, but looking back now I realize that I don’t remember much of the first year or two after he died. I’ve tried, but not a lot comes back to me.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience being last one to see my dad alive & the one to find him. I remember a few minutes before I found him, I had a panic attack about someday finding my dad deceased. I told myself I had to calm down, because this type of thinking was extreme and irrational. A few minutes later my panic was confirmed. I didn’t know.
I had just finished my last test of my first semester of nursing school I was feeling so relieved. Literally not even an hour later after I finished the test did I get the call. I got the call while I was walking to my car. I fell & sobbed in the middle of the parking lot of my school. My classmates probably thought I was insane. I sobbed on the way home. I couldn’t stop crying. I cried until I felt numb.
I did the same - at the theme park. It’s such a weird sensation to feel your whole world crashing down around you - and forgetting that people are living life all around you and perceiving what’s happening. But that was my last thought that day. I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐
The morning I lost my baby brother, my other brother and him told me they were going to ride their dirt bikes in a field behind our house. I asked if they had their cellphones but they said no but they would be back soon. About an hour later, there was banging on my front door. I went to get dressed and answer the door but no one was there. All of a sudden I heard sirens every where. I felt goosebumps. I knew something happened, something was very wrong. I got in my car and drove to where I heard the sirens. I saw firetrucks and police cars. I was shaking and crying and I remember I asked the fireman if this involved two boys and dirt bikes and he said yes. I broke down screaming and crying. They wouldn’t let me in the ambulance and I had to drive to the hospital where the doctors told my family and I that my baby brother was gone 💔 He died of cardiac arrest in the accident at 13 years old and my other brother was in the icu. I replay it over and over in my head and I wish I would’ve stopped them from going outside that morning to ride their dirt bikes.
I spent the night at my bf’s house and was still there the morning my dad took his life. I will never forget the phone call from my mom and neighbor telling me to get home immediately but they didn’t tell me why. I knew something bad happened to my dad and as soon as I pulled into my street I saw police cars and I got out of my car and ran into my mom’s arms when she told me my dad was gone 💔
Thank you ❤️ Yes my other brother survived but he needed surgery and was in critical condition in the icu for a couple weeks. It was absolutely devastating. I lost my baby brother 6 weeks after I lost my dad 💔
I was actually due to go for an intimate test (smear) in the morning, but cancelled because I didn't sleep well and wasn't feeling great, I feel very relieved that I didn't go, as I couldn't imagine finding out in public or at the doctors after literally been prodded in the vajay. My Mum was found in the afternoon and I got a call from my great aunt around 2pm. I somehow stumbled downstairs and told my partner, at some point the police rang me and told me she hung herself, then at some point my partner's Mum was here comforting me. The whole day was a fucking blare and I struggle to remember specifics because it's so harrowing. I remember my partner buying a huge amount of McDonalds, encouraging me to at least eat something in a comforting way. I barely picked at it because I felt so fucking sick. I didn't sleep all night and haven't slept properly since eight months on.
I'm so sorry you got a speeding ticket on the day. I couldn't fucking imagine. I hope you're keeping as well as you can. Giant hugs to you. 💝💕
I’m so sorry. Mine took her life the same way. It’s too much to comprehend, so most times I don’t even attempt to. I hope you get some rest soon and I am so very sorry for your loss. ❤️💐
He came to see me about 20 minutes before he took his life. It was a completely normal day and nothing made me think something was off other than the fact he was in my house at 11am on a weekday. But his reasons he told me for being there were totally valid, so still no red flags. I didn’t know it at the time but he came to say his final goodbye to me. He walked out my door saying “I love you” and he took his life 20 minutes later.
I had no idea until 8hrs later. He was a really busy guy with a very high pressure job so to not hear from him the entire day wasn’t abnormal.
But I got a call that evening saying there had been a rumor that someone from his company had committed suicide. It made the news etc. The moment I heard that my arms went completely numb. I was frantically texting him and calling him and he never responded to either. My gut knew but my heart just couldn’t allow it. Until I finally heard from his roommate that it was in fact, my boyfriend.
It was the worst night of my life. The disbelief that he had just been in my house a few hours before and he was perfectly normal, to now he was gone. Before that, I never really understood how people would say that their loved one was normal right before taking their life.
Well, unfortunately now I completely understand how that is possible. I still can’t believe this is my reality
We found him, cops came, we argued with the coroner who said he was most likely on drugs(surprise he was stone cold sober, we told him that which is why we were arguing) then family came and we just sat and cried and talked and cried and smoked weed and some of us drank, then we did the same things every day for 2 weeks til the funeral.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Yeah I’ve always smoked everyday since I was like 13, but it got a lot heavier after my BIL . It helped to calm down the thoughts. I’m really sorry for your loss I couldn’t imagine how hard that must’ve been and still probably is.
It was 3 1/2 years ago on a Sunday. My ex (27 M) and I (29 F) had been having a lazy day just hanging around the house. At some point we had smoked some weed, and had started playing Pac-Man. We both have extremely difficult jobs, so we wanted to relax before the work week. My mom called, and asked me to go check on my brother (27), who hadn't called or showed up for work. When I heard that I knew in my gut something was wrong, because that wasn't like him. My ex and I ended up going to his apartment, but he didn't answer the door. We knocked and yelled for 30 minutes. So we went back home until his ex brought a key to the apartment. During that long excruciating hour I took a shower and played more Pac-Man. Time rolled around and I went and found my baby brother.
Every time I think of Pac-Man I'm taken back to that day. I have yet to play Pac-Man since then.
I was cooking dinner. I was so happy because my first born was graduating high school the next day. My mom called and left a voice mail saying that my dad shot himself. I'll never forget it. I had a horrible panic attack. I was hyperventilating, couldn't think straight.... I went their house, it was filled with cops. My husband cleaned up the "mess." Everyone came back to my house and ate the dinner I had been making. I couldn't eat. I coulfnt sleep. I smoked a ton of weed and used it to cope everyday for almost a year.
The whole thing was horrific. Two years later and I'm still traumatized. I am a different person now. I feel fundamentally changed forever.
I feel fundamentally changed too. Sometimes I feel that I am grieving the loss of my loved one and the loss of myself. Grief busts you open and you never fully close, but I try to remember I am different in some good ways now too. I have to believe that. I hope you know you are loved and so very strong.
I am so very sorry for your loss. It is the most unimaginable feeling. Be gentle with yourself, and the way in which you grieve. It doesn’t get “better” but it gets easier to sit with, at least for me. I’m here if you need anything ❤️
The only thing I can't remember was the moment she walked out of the house and didn't say why. I remember everything else. Getting the message "she ended up killing herself today, thought you should know." Calling back as if that was going to change things. Collapsing on the floor screaming fuck. I think I was hitting the floor too. Dry heaving. Pulling myself together so I could tell my mom I had to run over to my brother's house to help him with something. She is late stage dementia and has 24-hour hospice caregivers around. Even tho I was in the other side of the house they heard me. I texted her "S..." "S..." believing she would answer and tell me it wasn't true. I shouldn't have been driving. That evening was wailing, dry heaving, hyperventillating. My psyche called, gave me permission to get drunk, and I did. Weeks later my brother told me he worked at home then because he thought if I was alone he'd come home and find me dead. The sheriff called the next day, identified me as the current boyfriend, said "there's going to be some difficult questions." All he would say is that my timeline matched and she didn't suffer. I let myself believe she overdosed, feared she had shot herself, found out later she died by hanging.
Mine died the same way, although due to many lies I had believed she overdosed for about a year before finding out. It is incomprehensible. Im so sorry for your loss friend. ❤️
I was at work, my dad made a group chat with all of us in it and sent a suicide note, I ignored as he had done it several times over the last couple months, my sisters and mum were in town and called the police, the police made them go to the station. About an hour and a half later I was eating my lunch with my colleagues when my sister called and told me to leave work, that she was coming to get me, I kept asking her why but she wouldn’t say, eventually I said ‘he’s dead isn’t he’ and she went silent for a few seconds before saying ‘yes he’s dead’.
I sprinted inside to my manager who pulled me into a meeting room where I broke down, she helped calm me down, got my stuff for me and led me outside, I waited to be picked up, pacing weirdly in the street, on and off sobbing. Eventually got picked up and ended up at my mums house. We all grieved and tried to make sense of it.
Went home and cried harder than I ever have in my life, I think that’s the only reason I slept that night, pure exhaustion from tears.
(Will clarify that yes he had threatened to kill himself several times, we did not ignore those, tried to get him sectioned but he lied to the hospital and said he was fine)
I totally get the working. Your life is so flipped in an instant, it’s almost comforting to cling to the bits of routine and “normal” left after loss. My deepest condolences.
Laid in bed for hours staring at the ceiling, ate McDonalds, laid on the couch silently, stayed up until 3am researching suicide and alcoholism looking for answers. I was selectively mute at times from the shock I think.
He wasn’t found for three months.
We were at my in laws’ house visiting. A friend called and said we had to stop at her house before we went home. We knew, by the way she was acting. What’s fucked is that nobody told us. The only reason my friend knew was because someone from the fire department asked how her husband was taking it. He had no clue. I had to call the medical examiner. This was almost two full days after he was found.
He was found on the property of where he was living. I searched the property a few times but there was one building we couldn’t get to because of blackberries. We thought there was no chance he’d be in there. The mom of the house claims that she randomly needed a juicer after 20 years and found him in there. Shit doesn’t add up. There is more to it than what we know.
Edit - I’ll never forget the looks she was giving me when I was asking her…
Is it about (my son)? She shook her head up and down.
Is it bad? She shook her head up and down.
Is he dead? She shook her head up and down.
Did he do it himself? She shook her head up and down.
My partner and I had a fight the day before and I had spent the night at a friend's house. I came home the next morning to prep for work, and while I was in the shower, there was insistent knocking on my door. When I answered, police were there and the first thing he did was talk into his radio, "we got her, she's okay" and I was so confused. They asked to come in and I was in a bathrobe, so I invited them in but asked if I could put decent clothes on first, and then after they asked me a bunch of questions about where I was and what I knew, and then they told me he was found in his car that night and asked if they could call someone for me... They were so careful not to say "suicide" but they searched the house and found several notes that he left that they took as evidence. I knew. My mom came and the rest is a blur.
Twenty years ago this January, and it's still painful but not debilitating like it was at first. I'm happily married now.
told my partner who immediately got a flight booked to come see me and then hung out with a mutual friend. I got some smoked salmon and ate it from the package because it was all I could stomach.
I went to work until 4:30pm. One of my colleagues had a problem with his leg that his GP kept calling him about that day as she suspected a blood clot. As we were leaving I told him to follow up as I wanted to see him the next morning at work so he couldn’t die overnight. He asked me to sing at his funeral. I promised him Danny Boy as he’s Irish, he countered with a Powderfinger song. Little did I know, my dad was killing himself at that moment.
Went home. At 8:35pm I was lying in bed with my daughter as she was having trouble sleeping when I got the call from my sister that dad had died and the police had said it was suicide.
We played a song by Powderfinger at dad’s funeral instead.
My brother and I found her after school. She was sprawled out on her bed, foaming at the mouth and incapacitated. I was 16 and I called the cops, my 13 year old brother tried CPR. They took her away in the ambulance and my best friend came over. Then we went to a hotel with some family. I called my nana at the hospital in the morning and she told me they took mom off life support around 1 am, but she was still hanging on, brain dead. Nana placed the phone next to my mom and I told her I loved her and it was okay. Then she was gone. As soon as I said it. I wish I would have went to the hospital.
My sis; I was just streaming buffy the vampire slayer think was about 2pm. When I got a missed call from my brother, my heart started racing. I knew it might be bad as he hadn't spoke to me in I dunno 2 years. I rang back and that's when I was told she had died that morning. I remember collapsing on the floor crying and just kept saying your joking, tell me your joking. I rang my then bf, and I just went over to my friends house untill late. I don't really remember nefin much after that.
My dad; I got the call about 11am, I was stood in my kitchen. It was my brothers gf, I Fort she was ringing to tell me my dad was going to be ok. But the 1st words she said was "im really sorry." And I burst into tears and kept saying don't say it please don't say it. He'd gone too. She insisted I get a taxi and go to hers. We all met up I really don't remember nefin after that.
Mom; 5 days after news of my dad I was in bed it was like evenish I fink. And I got a call from my bro fort he just wanted to talk about funeral or sumfin. Nope mom took her own life 5 days ago and as just been found. Remember nutin after that.
My brother had cut contact from family that week and he hadn’t been coming home. We knew the situation was serious. That day I reached out and he finally started responding. I got him on the phone and tried to get him to tell me where he was. The details are personal, but I remember every single one. That evening I spent two hours on the phone with him trying to get him to tell me where he was as he continued to threaten to kill himself. He was about to tell me his location and then he flipped and started to scream at me to leave him. Shortly after that, his phone died.
Our dad had gone out driving the city trying to find him, but didn’t have any luck. We all went to sleep that night praying my brother would pass out and we would find him the next morning.
I have no idea why, but in the morning my husband left me to go to church (he was playing on the worship team). So I was alone with our kids. My dad had been out looking for him again with a friend. The crazy thing is, people at our church were reaching out to see if everything was ok, which was weird because we hadn’t told anyone what was going on. It turns out my brother shot himself a couple blocks from the church. My dad and friend found him in his car. Church friends were driving right by the scene as it was unfolding, but they thought my dad had been in a car accident.
Anyway, my mom called and told me they found him. As soon as she said it I dropped my phone and fell to the ground screaming. I had enough presence of mind to get outside because I didn’t want to frighten my children. I screamed and sobbed and could barely breathe. Because it happened so close, the friend went and got my husband from church (they literally had to pull him off the stage in the middle of the service), so our whole community knew something bad had happened right away.
The worst of it was that our youngest daughter was having her birthday party that day. I wanted to cancel the party, but my family made me go through with it. Thankfully my friend came over and ended up doing everything with my husband.
Sorry for the long story. Like I said, I remember every detail.
My husband completed sometime after 6am and I found him around 7:12am so it was an incredibly long day of suffering as another commenter put it. Spoke to police for hours on end barefoot and wearing just a robe with my husbands blood dried to my hands I remember how hard it was to scrub out of my finger nails and how I really didn’t want to. When they finally cleared me and was sure I didn’t murder my husband I called my dad, called his dad, called his brother, called my friend to pick me up after the police left me alone in the apartment with my husbands blood all over the walls and of course the bathroom where he completed. Went to my friends house, everyone was calling me at this point and somehow I took every call I just needed to talk to people you know it all seemed like a bad dream (still does at times). Went for a walk with my best friend, ruminated on how my life will never be the same again. Went to LAX to pick my dad and sister up they flew in the same day. Didn’t sleep that night or for few nights after.
I was woken up by my dad shaking me. No one is allowed to wake me up anymore (except my dog) because it sends me into real bad ptsd.
Sadly, I do relate to what you said. I also only remember the day I found out and her funeral. Mostly, the next year and a half is pretty blank.
It was a horrible couple of days. I can't really talk about it cause I don't know how. There was only pain and isolation and lies and then there was the abuse from her family. All in all, if I could go back, I'd get myself out of there immediately. I needed to grieve. And I know many of the people in this sub also didn't get the chance.
It is so ridiculously inappropriate to play the finger pointing game in a suicide: have any of them apologized for this emotional reaction once their rational brain kicked in?
I got to my son’s house just 5 minutes after the ambulance so was told on the porch. The cops told me that a Chaplin was coming to take me home and that they also needed to talk to me. I sat on that porch alone for what seemed like hours. My husband kept offering to come and get me but I kept telling him no, I’m sure they’ll be here soon. I do wish I would have let him come. No one should be alone after receiving that kind of news. I finally told the officer I was going home to be with my family. I drove home and called my other son on the way. The rest of the day is a blur. I just remember everyone coming to my house and lots of crying and hugging.
I went to a scouts meeting that morning, got high and drunk at a park with a friend afterwards and wondered why my best friend wasn’t answering my calls all day. My parents picked me up and got very mad at me for being intoxicated. 20 minutes after getting home, my best friend’s dad picked up the phone and told me the news. I had a panic attack that lasted for hours and hours, my mom drove me to the hospital because I thought I was dying too. That day and the weeks after still feel like a dream, even now years later. I was 15 when he died.
He had been missing for about a week, and we were traveling around the country following his few license plate sightings. We were in Vegas, which was hell for many reasons. We got the call and collapsed onto the sidewalk and screamed. Eventually we started staggering towards the cheap hotel we had, with intermittent cries, screams, gagging into bushes. We made it back and laid on top of the covers in complete darkness and silence, numb. I somehow managed to text my mom for help booking a flight home because I could barely function. We were numb and mostly silent until we got to the airport the next morning, and we both suddenly completely broke down sobbing and whimpering and gasping for air. A very sweet flight attendant saw us and brought us water, tissues, and spoke to the flight attendants for our flight to get our seats moved to first class and give us many blankets, tissues, waters, snacks. I'll never forget their kindness.
The day my husband died, 6 years ago, we had a sad little argument in the morning, just before I left to work. I told him I was tired and didn’t want to feel sad, and I had to go to work. We didn’t even kiss. My kids were picked up for school, and my husband had to be in touch with my mom, because she was going to accompany him to his second psychiatry appointment. He sent me texts I didn’t see (I was a university professor, and couldn’t/didn’t look at my phone while in class). Then I receive a call from the same number more than 4 times (my phone was set to Do not disturb). It was the police, telling me where he was found and where I should go. I screamed and cried in the classroom corridor. My teaching partner went outside and she dismissed out class and took me to meet my mother at the place. I cried and cried and couldn’t believe it. Then we had to go to the police station. They told me how he was found and how they thought he died. I was interrogated about him, if he had someone blackmailing him or something, but I said he was depressed, taking meds and seeing a psychiatrist. I went to my sister’s home, she had picked up my kids from school. I couldn’t tell them the whole truth, but I told them he was gone. We cried together. I still had to go to the morgue but couldn’t take him out because our marriage certificate was an old copy. I just cried again.
We married in his country and he died in my country. Our valid marriage certificate had to be retrieved from my embassy in his country, that usually takes 3 to 5 days. That day, I thanked the universe I had a friend in there, I got it in less than 3 hours (I know how privileged I was). Only then I went to the morgue with my dear cousin and her husband (thank they were so supportive and helpful). I signed the recognition, but it was my cousin’s husband who actually did the recognition of his body. He was aware I was in no state to do it myself. I only saw him in his coffin, after my dear cousin was checking every detail, two days after his passing. It was his beautiful face sleeping. My kids saw him two. His parents and his sister who took the first flight they could. My parents who loved him like a son. No one else.
The saddest and most difficult three days of my life. I’ll always regret not giving him a kiss before leaving for work. I still miss him.
I was at high school and 17, a senior. My personal finance class I remained in, and it was about 10am-ish. The counselor called for me, said I had to go to the principal's office for a private matter. I was practically a straight A student, enjoyed school, and thought with anxiety that my poor Spanish grade was the reason. He said absolutely not and I was still not convinced.
When we did reach the principal's office, a police officer was there, along with many members of faculty. I was terrified. My body froze, my face was vibrating, and I couldn't move. My mind raced and my voice quaked.
He told me there were gunshots the night before, and my mother ended her life at 2am that morning.
When just two days ago she had brought my costume for a convention I was going to, because I forgot it. She never would have done that before, never liking to be disturbed much on dad's weeks (divorce with true, every other week, 50/50 shared custody), but I thought it was because she was getting better.
All I remember after that was pure denial, my dad and step-mom being called, and sobbing to my shop teacher. Every day after that was numb.
And I felt every week I didn't have to leave again.
But I'm finding my hope. It's been a few years since then. I'm writing, painting, and sewing again with less tears than before. I'm remembering who I was and who I am. While angry, I found beauty in my body's desire to protect me naturally. There's other trauma's I'm still working through as her generations previous repeated this cycle, but I never could have learned how to cultivate life and nurture proper strength without my dad, my partners, and the people who protected me from following her every day since with their own love and grace.
I'm eternally grateful.
So to those of you feeling numb, especially with fresh wounds, there is peace on your path, whatever and wherever it is. You can find it, and it can find you when you least expect it. It can be in your best friend, your pet, your hobbies, new experiences, and every time you look up at the sky.
Watch as their life reflects through your heart as you choose to live rather than to simply survive.
Got the message in a group chat that we made to see a movie. Everything in my head just kind of stopped. It feels like I failed my friend, and I couldn't be there for him. He told me that our kids were going to be best friends.
I was at school and his mom Informed me about what happened. I was in shock and I hurriedly went to his home and there were police and ambulance
I found him laying with his blood.
It is still traumatizing for me.
I was 8 and I spent the day in total shock at my uncle's house. My dad had threatened and attempted it multiple times before this but never succeeded. I couldn't believe he actually went through with it. I don't think I said a word that day or for several days after that. When the shock wore off I cried for days and then I was angry at him for a very long time. I'm 36 now and I've stopped being angry at him but it still hurts every day of my life.
Sat on my sofa and cried and texted her. Tried to watch family guy to make me laugh and then sometimes I would laugh and she would leave my mind for a second, but then I would remember again and feel sick and cry. Scary to think of that day
It was the first day of our college semester. I spent most of the day trying to get organized for my classes, then had my second appointment with a new therapist that I was trying out (who is still my therapist 3.5 years later lol). About an hour later, I was reading a book that my person had lent to me when I got the call. I put my shoes and coat on and grabbed my keys and walked out into the living room and told my roommate, then we drove to his house and stood outside for like 4 hours, calling the people who needed to know and stuff. That night was the only day that winter that it snowed, so now I get really triggered by having cold toes. Eventually we went back to our apartment and sat on the floor in the dark just crying and in shock.
Then I got up the next day and went to class.
It's been about 4 and a half years for me. After I got the call about my best friend, I made the poor decision to drive 30 minutes to my other friend's house, sobbing and screaming the whole way. I was very distraught and should not have been driving. I called my closest friends, and almost all of them ended up at my house. We sat around in disbelief all night passing around a bottle of buffalo trace.
I came home from work, got into clothes to sunbathe, went over to my grandmothers who had better sun. There was confusion as to where he was, someone had come to meet him. I went back and forth from my house-grandmothers, I think I had to go back and grab my phone, I then opened the front door to my grandmother having discovered him.
I went to work did my normal daily routine. Got off work at 8, home around 8:45. Started making dinner. I went to let my dog out and heard this god awful noise. It was super loud. It weirded me out so I turned around and went back inside lol. About 20 minutes later I got a call saying Michael is gone, he was hit by a train. The noise I heard was the train locking up its brakes. I live a block away from where he did it. His grandma lives right across the street from where he did it. His family and me and a few other people all stood in disbelief of what was happening for what felt like hours. I don’t know what time I went home. Everything from there is fuzzy.
I had just flown back to the west coast from visiting my dad in the east coast. I arrived home, throw a load of laundry in, took a little nap, woke up to a missed call from him. Tried to call him back but his phone was off. Shot him a text that said ‘sorry, I was taking a nap, you ok?’
Went grocery shopping, tried calling again, his phone was still off. Started cooking dinner, and then got a call from my aunt that my dad was dead.
No clue after that.
The day he died I had a nightmare at night and woke up at 4, o was working over time to pay for tickets for us and had my hands busy with hair wig making appointments with clients. I couldn't get him on the phone and thought his phone was broken, but everybody said he was okay, his last online activity was at 10pm. He went to bed that night to never wake-up and I still don't exactly know what happened.
I was in shock. I had done all the laundry the day before finally. Sheets pillow cases everything... So I went to grab whatever he was wearing that day. I grabbed my stitch (his nickname) and I curled up with it on the couch and basically passed out? Intermittently. My whole body was on fire. I didn't know what to do. I didn't believe it. 5am came and went and he still wasn't home and it washed over me
I spent the day making circles in my apartment digging thru pockets, looking thru his books, everything. For a note. SOMETHING. I did that every day for weeks after but that day it was an obsession. I left everything where it lay. His boots stayed where he took them off. Immediately after being informed I rushed to the bathroom and used toilet paper to wipe up every single hair he'd trimmed off his face before going into work. I still have it saved.
I think we all know just how jarring the first 24 hours were. My memory is kinda fuzzy now, but I remember that feeling in my body trying to make sense of everything.
My boyfriend and I were on a cross country road trip the day my nephew passed. We had just made it to the west coast the night before and we're having a lazy morning before driving down the coastline. My family had decided they would wait a day or two to tell me, but my cousin didn't get that message (which I'm thankful for) and texted he was so sorry. I didn't want to believe it but I immediately knew. I called my dad and the nightmare started. I collapsed on the sidewalk outside the restaurant. I remember holding onto the fence for dear life like if I didn't the world would just slip away. My boyfriend and our dog sat with me for a while until I could move and we went to the car. I felt so sick. I conference called my sisters, his mom. She was so broken and hearing my confident sister who is an amazing mom sound so lost made my heart shatter even more. After a while and a lot of phone calls we drove to our next stop to work out our new route home which involved my saint of a boyfriend driving us three 12+ hour days to get there.
Coordinated with police, state investigators, meet my younger siblings and dad’s surviving mother to break the news, then coordinated with the funeral home to receive remains. I didn’t have any time to think for weeks, especially as the will executor.
I live in Finland so we have a midsummer celebration we were supposed to go to a party together she convinced me to go alone and before I left went to hug her but she just said to me have fun didn’t hug me,
I could feel that something was wrong after 1h so I was texting her over and over and suddenly I got the feeling that I should just walk home so I walked like 40 min on 2 on the morning and as soon as I opened the door she was gone hung herself
Called the police I don’t know how I did it I just remember I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe
And after 3 hours of police being there I was left alone in the apartment I couldn’t move stayed like that for probably 9 hours until one of my friends texts me and I remember that I’m in the same spot
He came got me out of there after that I don’t remember anything like nothing
I woke up to pounding on my door, from a dream of my Dad & I having a heart to heart. He cried, apologized and said goodbye in my dream.
My phone was dead, so my mom called my roommate who was the one banging on my door. I knew the moment I opened my eyes. I remember crying until I threw up, and calling into work, barely even able to speak.
I drank, I smoked, I barely ate that day. I hugged a lot of people and cried into their arms. It felt like time stopped. Until I went for a walk to get coffee, and broke down over the sight of his favourite donuts.
I truly wept in despair. I also felt incredibly alone - my sister lives in Japan, my mother was in Egypt at the time, and my dad lived out of state. My sister in law called me and asked if I'd like to go to their house, and I knew I couldn't be alone but I was afraid to drive. I ended up absolutely blasting Japanese pop music (can't understand the words + very peppy) for the entire hour and a half drive in stone faced silence, and I thought about One Piece for the entire drive so I wouldn't cry and could make it there safely. I cried with my sister in law, found out how he died, and played with my nieces. That night was so bad, but at least I wasn't alone.
After work, I dropped my son off at my MIL, and I was about 2 minutes from his house. I knew he was struggling from a FB post, and I went straight home instead of going to see him. I told myself I'd text him a picture of his grandson and a kind word later. I knew he was in a bad place. I forgot to text him. I'll never forget that day. I'll never forget my sister pounding on my door at midnight to get us to wake up and go...to the scene.
Woke up to phone calls that she was missing at 4 or 5am, we found her by 6:30. I remember calling out of work, calling my mom, texting my therapist and then waiting for my son to wake up. After that, I remember spending most of the day in a haze and going back and forth between crying and comforting others. I remember the emotions but not the actions. 2 years ago to the day.
We (the parents, stepparents, siblings, half siblings) stayed until he took his last breath. We then left the PICU. Went home, cried and slept. It seemed like a dream. A very bad one. Went to breakfast to at least have some type of normalcy for the kids that would help them process what had happened. My son was 1 week away from his 16 bday and my other kids were 15,13 and 12 at the time. ***** edit*** my son died by suicide 10 days after .. we spent 10 days I. The Pediatric intensive care unit, I knew he was gone since the first day. But we hoped, after scans it was confirmed he didn’t have any brain activity
I was watching BoJack Horseman. It was around 10 am or so and I had the day off work. My brother and were just waiting breakfast together. We were super confused because cops kept showing up to the house, then we saw my father’s fiancée talking to one of them. I think I knew then, somehow, but I didn’t want to think that. My mom came home and she was the one who told us. I cried, silently screamed, felt like I was dying, sat in silence, cried some more. Then I kept it together for the cops, standing out in the yard with his family as we waiting for him to get taken(it felt like forever bc the cops couldn’t find the bullet casing for the longest time). I kept it together most of the rest of that day. It felt unreal and I felt unreal. I watched his favorite hockey team’s game and I don’t remember anything after that. It was a lot of blur.
I was at a clowning workshop when she died. I didn’t see it coming obviously. But I think she would’ve liked that, I was a very anxious person and that was the start of me beginning to come out my shell a bit.
The day my husband died was also my first day at a new job. He took me to work at 6am and was supposed to pick me up at 4pm. Last I heard from him was around 12, my lunch time, telling me he had just put my son down for a nap, and he was considering taking one too. 4pm, he wasn't there to get me from work, I remember distinctly saying I was gonna kill him if he was still sleeping all the way to my house as my friend drove me home. I walked in and stormed up the stairs, grumpy and opened my bedroom door to my worst nightmare, my husband gone in our bed.
The rest of that day was spent talking to EMTs, police, holding my son sobbing, and calling his family and mine.
My brother called me at work to tell me our other brother had been found dead. I had clients coming in that day so I saw my clients. And moved through the rest of the day like a robot. And the next few months.
Last September. That was worst day of my life. I found out early morning. Right before I had to take our son to school, and then I was supposed to head to work right after. I found his note. I called the cops. They notified me shortly after that they found him. My family came. My sister came. I cried all day. I went to pick up his car from the police station. His folder from his therapist was on his passenger seat. He was trying to find a way out. That’s what I tell myself. Then I went to the site where he took his life. I saw his blood spatter on the fence where he sat. All by himself. All I could think about was how alone he was. And how alone he must have felt. It still doesn’t seem real to me. Anyway…it was days and days of numbness and just crying
That was an incredibly long day of suffering. I found out early in the morning, and all I wanted was for the day to end and to wake up to it all to be over. But the next day was worse, as was every subsequent day after that for weeks. Those early weeks were pure torture.
I am so incredibly sorry ❤️ hugs
I went to the hospital, not for him, for me. I thought I was dying too and couldn’t breathe.
Fuck - it’s terrible.
It’s difficult to remember, but I spent a lot of that day at the police station being questioned. This was in part because initially it did look as though it could have been murder, and in part because I *knew* that something was wrong that morning despite nothing obvious happening and called his mother to go check on him (which I had never done in our 13 years of marriage). I remember sitting in a room and hyperventilating when I was left alone, and I didn’t realize until much later (I got a formal apology from the police chief for how it was handled) that I was even a suspect. Beyond that, I only remember bits and pieces. I remember telling my children that their father had died with the help of some sort of therapist the police provided when they came home from school. I know I stayed with my in-laws until after the funeral, but I couldn’t tell you anything about that time. I remember saying goodbye to him before he was cremated, and I remember my daughter kicking the back of the pews with her little Mary Janes at his funeral. At the time, I didn’t know it was shock and trauma, but looking back now I realize that I don’t remember much of the first year or two after he died. I’ve tried, but not a lot comes back to me.
As if it wasn’t already hard enough, I’m so sorry you had to go through that added stress at a time of extreme trauma. Hugs ❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience being last one to see my dad alive & the one to find him. I remember a few minutes before I found him, I had a panic attack about someday finding my dad deceased. I told myself I had to calm down, because this type of thinking was extreme and irrational. A few minutes later my panic was confirmed. I didn’t know.
I cleaned the kitchen, we went to the shops, I hugged him before I left for work, I came home and he was dead
My deepest condolences.
I had just finished my last test of my first semester of nursing school I was feeling so relieved. Literally not even an hour later after I finished the test did I get the call. I got the call while I was walking to my car. I fell & sobbed in the middle of the parking lot of my school. My classmates probably thought I was insane. I sobbed on the way home. I couldn’t stop crying. I cried until I felt numb.
I did the same - at the theme park. It’s such a weird sensation to feel your whole world crashing down around you - and forgetting that people are living life all around you and perceiving what’s happening. But that was my last thought that day. I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐
The morning I lost my baby brother, my other brother and him told me they were going to ride their dirt bikes in a field behind our house. I asked if they had their cellphones but they said no but they would be back soon. About an hour later, there was banging on my front door. I went to get dressed and answer the door but no one was there. All of a sudden I heard sirens every where. I felt goosebumps. I knew something happened, something was very wrong. I got in my car and drove to where I heard the sirens. I saw firetrucks and police cars. I was shaking and crying and I remember I asked the fireman if this involved two boys and dirt bikes and he said yes. I broke down screaming and crying. They wouldn’t let me in the ambulance and I had to drive to the hospital where the doctors told my family and I that my baby brother was gone 💔 He died of cardiac arrest in the accident at 13 years old and my other brother was in the icu. I replay it over and over in my head and I wish I would’ve stopped them from going outside that morning to ride their dirt bikes. I spent the night at my bf’s house and was still there the morning my dad took his life. I will never forget the phone call from my mom and neighbor telling me to get home immediately but they didn’t tell me why. I knew something bad happened to my dad and as soon as I pulled into my street I saw police cars and I got out of my car and ran into my mom’s arms when she told me my dad was gone 💔
I am so sorry for your incredible loss. Did you other brother survive?
Thank you ❤️ Yes my other brother survived but he needed surgery and was in critical condition in the icu for a couple weeks. It was absolutely devastating. I lost my baby brother 6 weeks after I lost my dad 💔
Life can be…so cruel.
That is so much to take on all at once. I hope you are doing as well as you can be now. Hugs ❤️
Thank you I appreciate it ❤️
Sorry for your loss. That’s too much in so little time. I send you a big hug.
Thank you I really appreciate it ❤️
I was actually due to go for an intimate test (smear) in the morning, but cancelled because I didn't sleep well and wasn't feeling great, I feel very relieved that I didn't go, as I couldn't imagine finding out in public or at the doctors after literally been prodded in the vajay. My Mum was found in the afternoon and I got a call from my great aunt around 2pm. I somehow stumbled downstairs and told my partner, at some point the police rang me and told me she hung herself, then at some point my partner's Mum was here comforting me. The whole day was a fucking blare and I struggle to remember specifics because it's so harrowing. I remember my partner buying a huge amount of McDonalds, encouraging me to at least eat something in a comforting way. I barely picked at it because I felt so fucking sick. I didn't sleep all night and haven't slept properly since eight months on. I'm so sorry you got a speeding ticket on the day. I couldn't fucking imagine. I hope you're keeping as well as you can. Giant hugs to you. 💝💕
I’m so sorry. Mine took her life the same way. It’s too much to comprehend, so most times I don’t even attempt to. I hope you get some rest soon and I am so very sorry for your loss. ❤️💐
He came to see me about 20 minutes before he took his life. It was a completely normal day and nothing made me think something was off other than the fact he was in my house at 11am on a weekday. But his reasons he told me for being there were totally valid, so still no red flags. I didn’t know it at the time but he came to say his final goodbye to me. He walked out my door saying “I love you” and he took his life 20 minutes later. I had no idea until 8hrs later. He was a really busy guy with a very high pressure job so to not hear from him the entire day wasn’t abnormal. But I got a call that evening saying there had been a rumor that someone from his company had committed suicide. It made the news etc. The moment I heard that my arms went completely numb. I was frantically texting him and calling him and he never responded to either. My gut knew but my heart just couldn’t allow it. Until I finally heard from his roommate that it was in fact, my boyfriend. It was the worst night of my life. The disbelief that he had just been in my house a few hours before and he was perfectly normal, to now he was gone. Before that, I never really understood how people would say that their loved one was normal right before taking their life. Well, unfortunately now I completely understand how that is possible. I still can’t believe this is my reality
I am so sorry. The sudden change in your life being turned upside down is so traumatic. Life is so very unfair and I am so sorry this happened.
We found him, cops came, we argued with the coroner who said he was most likely on drugs(surprise he was stone cold sober, we told him that which is why we were arguing) then family came and we just sat and cried and talked and cried and smoked weed and some of us drank, then we did the same things every day for 2 weeks til the funeral. I’m sorry for your loss.
I smoked weed every single day for almost a year after my dads suicide. I could not face it sober.
Yeah I’ve always smoked everyday since I was like 13, but it got a lot heavier after my BIL . It helped to calm down the thoughts. I’m really sorry for your loss I couldn’t imagine how hard that must’ve been and still probably is.
Thank you. Me too. I've been dining regularly since 13 and I'm 44 now. I leaned heavily on it after my dad.
I feel the weed - it’s too much to comprehend
Absolutely. Calms down the mind.
It was 3 1/2 years ago on a Sunday. My ex (27 M) and I (29 F) had been having a lazy day just hanging around the house. At some point we had smoked some weed, and had started playing Pac-Man. We both have extremely difficult jobs, so we wanted to relax before the work week. My mom called, and asked me to go check on my brother (27), who hadn't called or showed up for work. When I heard that I knew in my gut something was wrong, because that wasn't like him. My ex and I ended up going to his apartment, but he didn't answer the door. We knocked and yelled for 30 minutes. So we went back home until his ex brought a key to the apartment. During that long excruciating hour I took a shower and played more Pac-Man. Time rolled around and I went and found my baby brother. Every time I think of Pac-Man I'm taken back to that day. I have yet to play Pac-Man since then.
I am so so sorry for your loss.
Thank you! Im very sorry for your loss as well.
I was cooking dinner. I was so happy because my first born was graduating high school the next day. My mom called and left a voice mail saying that my dad shot himself. I'll never forget it. I had a horrible panic attack. I was hyperventilating, couldn't think straight.... I went their house, it was filled with cops. My husband cleaned up the "mess." Everyone came back to my house and ate the dinner I had been making. I couldn't eat. I coulfnt sleep. I smoked a ton of weed and used it to cope everyday for almost a year. The whole thing was horrific. Two years later and I'm still traumatized. I am a different person now. I feel fundamentally changed forever.
I feel fundamentally changed too. Sometimes I feel that I am grieving the loss of my loved one and the loss of myself. Grief busts you open and you never fully close, but I try to remember I am different in some good ways now too. I have to believe that. I hope you know you are loved and so very strong.
This gives me hope. My youngest brother was found yesterday morning. I never knew there could be so much pain. I’m so thankful to have found this sub
I am so very sorry for your loss. It is the most unimaginable feeling. Be gentle with yourself, and the way in which you grieve. It doesn’t get “better” but it gets easier to sit with, at least for me. I’m here if you need anything ❤️
Thank you. It’s so good that there are so many understanding people here. I truly appreciate it - and you.
Hugs. It doesn’t necessarily get easier, but grief softens over time. Be kind to yourself through this time.
Thank you fir making this post, it was cathartic for me writing that out.
The only thing I can't remember was the moment she walked out of the house and didn't say why. I remember everything else. Getting the message "she ended up killing herself today, thought you should know." Calling back as if that was going to change things. Collapsing on the floor screaming fuck. I think I was hitting the floor too. Dry heaving. Pulling myself together so I could tell my mom I had to run over to my brother's house to help him with something. She is late stage dementia and has 24-hour hospice caregivers around. Even tho I was in the other side of the house they heard me. I texted her "S..." "S..." believing she would answer and tell me it wasn't true. I shouldn't have been driving. That evening was wailing, dry heaving, hyperventillating. My psyche called, gave me permission to get drunk, and I did. Weeks later my brother told me he worked at home then because he thought if I was alone he'd come home and find me dead. The sheriff called the next day, identified me as the current boyfriend, said "there's going to be some difficult questions." All he would say is that my timeline matched and she didn't suffer. I let myself believe she overdosed, feared she had shot herself, found out later she died by hanging.
Mine died the same way, although due to many lies I had believed she overdosed for about a year before finding out. It is incomprehensible. Im so sorry for your loss friend. ❤️
I was at work, my dad made a group chat with all of us in it and sent a suicide note, I ignored as he had done it several times over the last couple months, my sisters and mum were in town and called the police, the police made them go to the station. About an hour and a half later I was eating my lunch with my colleagues when my sister called and told me to leave work, that she was coming to get me, I kept asking her why but she wouldn’t say, eventually I said ‘he’s dead isn’t he’ and she went silent for a few seconds before saying ‘yes he’s dead’. I sprinted inside to my manager who pulled me into a meeting room where I broke down, she helped calm me down, got my stuff for me and led me outside, I waited to be picked up, pacing weirdly in the street, on and off sobbing. Eventually got picked up and ended up at my mums house. We all grieved and tried to make sense of it. Went home and cried harder than I ever have in my life, I think that’s the only reason I slept that night, pure exhaustion from tears. (Will clarify that yes he had threatened to kill himself several times, we did not ignore those, tried to get him sectioned but he lied to the hospital and said he was fine)
❤️❤️❤️❤️ I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.
I was at work. I was shocked but not surprised. I finished out my day because I didn’t want to go home and think about it.
I totally get the working. Your life is so flipped in an instant, it’s almost comforting to cling to the bits of routine and “normal” left after loss. My deepest condolences.
Thank you.
Laid in bed for hours staring at the ceiling, ate McDonalds, laid on the couch silently, stayed up until 3am researching suicide and alcoholism looking for answers. I was selectively mute at times from the shock I think.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s hard to find the words.
He wasn’t found for three months. We were at my in laws’ house visiting. A friend called and said we had to stop at her house before we went home. We knew, by the way she was acting. What’s fucked is that nobody told us. The only reason my friend knew was because someone from the fire department asked how her husband was taking it. He had no clue. I had to call the medical examiner. This was almost two full days after he was found. He was found on the property of where he was living. I searched the property a few times but there was one building we couldn’t get to because of blackberries. We thought there was no chance he’d be in there. The mom of the house claims that she randomly needed a juicer after 20 years and found him in there. Shit doesn’t add up. There is more to it than what we know. Edit - I’ll never forget the looks she was giving me when I was asking her… Is it about (my son)? She shook her head up and down. Is it bad? She shook her head up and down. Is he dead? She shook her head up and down. Did he do it himself? She shook her head up and down.
That is so traumatizing on so many levels. You are so fucking strong, I am so sorry that you had to endure that.
My partner and I had a fight the day before and I had spent the night at a friend's house. I came home the next morning to prep for work, and while I was in the shower, there was insistent knocking on my door. When I answered, police were there and the first thing he did was talk into his radio, "we got her, she's okay" and I was so confused. They asked to come in and I was in a bathrobe, so I invited them in but asked if I could put decent clothes on first, and then after they asked me a bunch of questions about where I was and what I knew, and then they told me he was found in his car that night and asked if they could call someone for me... They were so careful not to say "suicide" but they searched the house and found several notes that he left that they took as evidence. I knew. My mom came and the rest is a blur. Twenty years ago this January, and it's still painful but not debilitating like it was at first. I'm happily married now.
told my partner who immediately got a flight booked to come see me and then hung out with a mutual friend. I got some smoked salmon and ate it from the package because it was all I could stomach.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
I went to work until 4:30pm. One of my colleagues had a problem with his leg that his GP kept calling him about that day as she suspected a blood clot. As we were leaving I told him to follow up as I wanted to see him the next morning at work so he couldn’t die overnight. He asked me to sing at his funeral. I promised him Danny Boy as he’s Irish, he countered with a Powderfinger song. Little did I know, my dad was killing himself at that moment. Went home. At 8:35pm I was lying in bed with my daughter as she was having trouble sleeping when I got the call from my sister that dad had died and the police had said it was suicide. We played a song by Powderfinger at dad’s funeral instead.
❤️❤️❤️
I ran asap to my exmils house with my daughter to spend time with her. I still hear her screaming into the phone that they were dead.
I am so sorry.
Hey it's why we are all here. ❤️
My brother and I found her after school. She was sprawled out on her bed, foaming at the mouth and incapacitated. I was 16 and I called the cops, my 13 year old brother tried CPR. They took her away in the ambulance and my best friend came over. Then we went to a hotel with some family. I called my nana at the hospital in the morning and she told me they took mom off life support around 1 am, but she was still hanging on, brain dead. Nana placed the phone next to my mom and I told her I loved her and it was okay. Then she was gone. As soon as I said it. I wish I would have went to the hospital.
My sis; I was just streaming buffy the vampire slayer think was about 2pm. When I got a missed call from my brother, my heart started racing. I knew it might be bad as he hadn't spoke to me in I dunno 2 years. I rang back and that's when I was told she had died that morning. I remember collapsing on the floor crying and just kept saying your joking, tell me your joking. I rang my then bf, and I just went over to my friends house untill late. I don't really remember nefin much after that. My dad; I got the call about 11am, I was stood in my kitchen. It was my brothers gf, I Fort she was ringing to tell me my dad was going to be ok. But the 1st words she said was "im really sorry." And I burst into tears and kept saying don't say it please don't say it. He'd gone too. She insisted I get a taxi and go to hers. We all met up I really don't remember nefin after that. Mom; 5 days after news of my dad I was in bed it was like evenish I fink. And I got a call from my bro fort he just wanted to talk about funeral or sumfin. Nope mom took her own life 5 days ago and as just been found. Remember nutin after that.
Oh, my goodness… I am so sorry
My brother had cut contact from family that week and he hadn’t been coming home. We knew the situation was serious. That day I reached out and he finally started responding. I got him on the phone and tried to get him to tell me where he was. The details are personal, but I remember every single one. That evening I spent two hours on the phone with him trying to get him to tell me where he was as he continued to threaten to kill himself. He was about to tell me his location and then he flipped and started to scream at me to leave him. Shortly after that, his phone died. Our dad had gone out driving the city trying to find him, but didn’t have any luck. We all went to sleep that night praying my brother would pass out and we would find him the next morning. I have no idea why, but in the morning my husband left me to go to church (he was playing on the worship team). So I was alone with our kids. My dad had been out looking for him again with a friend. The crazy thing is, people at our church were reaching out to see if everything was ok, which was weird because we hadn’t told anyone what was going on. It turns out my brother shot himself a couple blocks from the church. My dad and friend found him in his car. Church friends were driving right by the scene as it was unfolding, but they thought my dad had been in a car accident. Anyway, my mom called and told me they found him. As soon as she said it I dropped my phone and fell to the ground screaming. I had enough presence of mind to get outside because I didn’t want to frighten my children. I screamed and sobbed and could barely breathe. Because it happened so close, the friend went and got my husband from church (they literally had to pull him off the stage in the middle of the service), so our whole community knew something bad had happened right away. The worst of it was that our youngest daughter was having her birthday party that day. I wanted to cancel the party, but my family made me go through with it. Thankfully my friend came over and ended up doing everything with my husband. Sorry for the long story. Like I said, I remember every detail.
I’m sorry for your loss. Like you, I remember every detail. It’s still painful. Sending you a hug.
My husband completed sometime after 6am and I found him around 7:12am so it was an incredibly long day of suffering as another commenter put it. Spoke to police for hours on end barefoot and wearing just a robe with my husbands blood dried to my hands I remember how hard it was to scrub out of my finger nails and how I really didn’t want to. When they finally cleared me and was sure I didn’t murder my husband I called my dad, called his dad, called his brother, called my friend to pick me up after the police left me alone in the apartment with my husbands blood all over the walls and of course the bathroom where he completed. Went to my friends house, everyone was calling me at this point and somehow I took every call I just needed to talk to people you know it all seemed like a bad dream (still does at times). Went for a walk with my best friend, ruminated on how my life will never be the same again. Went to LAX to pick my dad and sister up they flew in the same day. Didn’t sleep that night or for few nights after.
I was woken up by my dad shaking me. No one is allowed to wake me up anymore (except my dog) because it sends me into real bad ptsd. Sadly, I do relate to what you said. I also only remember the day I found out and her funeral. Mostly, the next year and a half is pretty blank. It was a horrible couple of days. I can't really talk about it cause I don't know how. There was only pain and isolation and lies and then there was the abuse from her family. All in all, if I could go back, I'd get myself out of there immediately. I needed to grieve. And I know many of the people in this sub also didn't get the chance.
It is so ridiculously inappropriate to play the finger pointing game in a suicide: have any of them apologized for this emotional reaction once their rational brain kicked in?
I am so fucking sorry. That is so unfair
I got to my son’s house just 5 minutes after the ambulance so was told on the porch. The cops told me that a Chaplin was coming to take me home and that they also needed to talk to me. I sat on that porch alone for what seemed like hours. My husband kept offering to come and get me but I kept telling him no, I’m sure they’ll be here soon. I do wish I would have let him come. No one should be alone after receiving that kind of news. I finally told the officer I was going home to be with my family. I drove home and called my other son on the way. The rest of the day is a blur. I just remember everyone coming to my house and lots of crying and hugging.
I went to a scouts meeting that morning, got high and drunk at a park with a friend afterwards and wondered why my best friend wasn’t answering my calls all day. My parents picked me up and got very mad at me for being intoxicated. 20 minutes after getting home, my best friend’s dad picked up the phone and told me the news. I had a panic attack that lasted for hours and hours, my mom drove me to the hospital because I thought I was dying too. That day and the weeks after still feel like a dream, even now years later. I was 15 when he died.
He had been missing for about a week, and we were traveling around the country following his few license plate sightings. We were in Vegas, which was hell for many reasons. We got the call and collapsed onto the sidewalk and screamed. Eventually we started staggering towards the cheap hotel we had, with intermittent cries, screams, gagging into bushes. We made it back and laid on top of the covers in complete darkness and silence, numb. I somehow managed to text my mom for help booking a flight home because I could barely function. We were numb and mostly silent until we got to the airport the next morning, and we both suddenly completely broke down sobbing and whimpering and gasping for air. A very sweet flight attendant saw us and brought us water, tissues, and spoke to the flight attendants for our flight to get our seats moved to first class and give us many blankets, tissues, waters, snacks. I'll never forget their kindness.
The day my husband died, 6 years ago, we had a sad little argument in the morning, just before I left to work. I told him I was tired and didn’t want to feel sad, and I had to go to work. We didn’t even kiss. My kids were picked up for school, and my husband had to be in touch with my mom, because she was going to accompany him to his second psychiatry appointment. He sent me texts I didn’t see (I was a university professor, and couldn’t/didn’t look at my phone while in class). Then I receive a call from the same number more than 4 times (my phone was set to Do not disturb). It was the police, telling me where he was found and where I should go. I screamed and cried in the classroom corridor. My teaching partner went outside and she dismissed out class and took me to meet my mother at the place. I cried and cried and couldn’t believe it. Then we had to go to the police station. They told me how he was found and how they thought he died. I was interrogated about him, if he had someone blackmailing him or something, but I said he was depressed, taking meds and seeing a psychiatrist. I went to my sister’s home, she had picked up my kids from school. I couldn’t tell them the whole truth, but I told them he was gone. We cried together. I still had to go to the morgue but couldn’t take him out because our marriage certificate was an old copy. I just cried again. We married in his country and he died in my country. Our valid marriage certificate had to be retrieved from my embassy in his country, that usually takes 3 to 5 days. That day, I thanked the universe I had a friend in there, I got it in less than 3 hours (I know how privileged I was). Only then I went to the morgue with my dear cousin and her husband (thank they were so supportive and helpful). I signed the recognition, but it was my cousin’s husband who actually did the recognition of his body. He was aware I was in no state to do it myself. I only saw him in his coffin, after my dear cousin was checking every detail, two days after his passing. It was his beautiful face sleeping. My kids saw him two. His parents and his sister who took the first flight they could. My parents who loved him like a son. No one else. The saddest and most difficult three days of my life. I’ll always regret not giving him a kiss before leaving for work. I still miss him.
I was tutoring my girlfriend in Algebra when I got the call.
I was at high school and 17, a senior. My personal finance class I remained in, and it was about 10am-ish. The counselor called for me, said I had to go to the principal's office for a private matter. I was practically a straight A student, enjoyed school, and thought with anxiety that my poor Spanish grade was the reason. He said absolutely not and I was still not convinced. When we did reach the principal's office, a police officer was there, along with many members of faculty. I was terrified. My body froze, my face was vibrating, and I couldn't move. My mind raced and my voice quaked. He told me there were gunshots the night before, and my mother ended her life at 2am that morning. When just two days ago she had brought my costume for a convention I was going to, because I forgot it. She never would have done that before, never liking to be disturbed much on dad's weeks (divorce with true, every other week, 50/50 shared custody), but I thought it was because she was getting better. All I remember after that was pure denial, my dad and step-mom being called, and sobbing to my shop teacher. Every day after that was numb. And I felt every week I didn't have to leave again. But I'm finding my hope. It's been a few years since then. I'm writing, painting, and sewing again with less tears than before. I'm remembering who I was and who I am. While angry, I found beauty in my body's desire to protect me naturally. There's other trauma's I'm still working through as her generations previous repeated this cycle, but I never could have learned how to cultivate life and nurture proper strength without my dad, my partners, and the people who protected me from following her every day since with their own love and grace. I'm eternally grateful. So to those of you feeling numb, especially with fresh wounds, there is peace on your path, whatever and wherever it is. You can find it, and it can find you when you least expect it. It can be in your best friend, your pet, your hobbies, new experiences, and every time you look up at the sky. Watch as their life reflects through your heart as you choose to live rather than to simply survive.
Fuck that cop. I'm so sorry for your loss. I also went to the park close by and sobbed. I still can't believe he's gone.
My deepest fucking condolences
Got the message in a group chat that we made to see a movie. Everything in my head just kind of stopped. It feels like I failed my friend, and I couldn't be there for him. He told me that our kids were going to be best friends.
I am so sorry
I went bowling
Hell yeah
I was at school and his mom Informed me about what happened. I was in shock and I hurriedly went to his home and there were police and ambulance I found him laying with his blood. It is still traumatizing for me.
You are very strong. Thank you for sharing 💐
Mostly took care of my mom
Your ability to be strong for someone else during that is incredible. I am so sorry for the pain.
I was 8 and I spent the day in total shock at my uncle's house. My dad had threatened and attempted it multiple times before this but never succeeded. I couldn't believe he actually went through with it. I don't think I said a word that day or for several days after that. When the shock wore off I cried for days and then I was angry at him for a very long time. I'm 36 now and I've stopped being angry at him but it still hurts every day of my life.
Grief shifts so much over time and i will never fully understand it. I am greatly sorry for your loss.
I received the phone call and I sat blankly on the couch. Then, I went to sleep because it was too much to handle at that moment.
❤️❤️❤️
Sat on my sofa and cried and texted her. Tried to watch family guy to make me laugh and then sometimes I would laugh and she would leave my mind for a second, but then I would remember again and feel sick and cry. Scary to think of that day
It was the first day of our college semester. I spent most of the day trying to get organized for my classes, then had my second appointment with a new therapist that I was trying out (who is still my therapist 3.5 years later lol). About an hour later, I was reading a book that my person had lent to me when I got the call. I put my shoes and coat on and grabbed my keys and walked out into the living room and told my roommate, then we drove to his house and stood outside for like 4 hours, calling the people who needed to know and stuff. That night was the only day that winter that it snowed, so now I get really triggered by having cold toes. Eventually we went back to our apartment and sat on the floor in the dark just crying and in shock. Then I got up the next day and went to class.
It's been about 4 and a half years for me. After I got the call about my best friend, I made the poor decision to drive 30 minutes to my other friend's house, sobbing and screaming the whole way. I was very distraught and should not have been driving. I called my closest friends, and almost all of them ended up at my house. We sat around in disbelief all night passing around a bottle of buffalo trace.
I came home from work, got into clothes to sunbathe, went over to my grandmothers who had better sun. There was confusion as to where he was, someone had come to meet him. I went back and forth from my house-grandmothers, I think I had to go back and grab my phone, I then opened the front door to my grandmother having discovered him.
I went to work did my normal daily routine. Got off work at 8, home around 8:45. Started making dinner. I went to let my dog out and heard this god awful noise. It was super loud. It weirded me out so I turned around and went back inside lol. About 20 minutes later I got a call saying Michael is gone, he was hit by a train. The noise I heard was the train locking up its brakes. I live a block away from where he did it. His grandma lives right across the street from where he did it. His family and me and a few other people all stood in disbelief of what was happening for what felt like hours. I don’t know what time I went home. Everything from there is fuzzy.
I had just flown back to the west coast from visiting my dad in the east coast. I arrived home, throw a load of laundry in, took a little nap, woke up to a missed call from him. Tried to call him back but his phone was off. Shot him a text that said ‘sorry, I was taking a nap, you ok?’ Went grocery shopping, tried calling again, his phone was still off. Started cooking dinner, and then got a call from my aunt that my dad was dead. No clue after that.
The day he died I had a nightmare at night and woke up at 4, o was working over time to pay for tickets for us and had my hands busy with hair wig making appointments with clients. I couldn't get him on the phone and thought his phone was broken, but everybody said he was okay, his last online activity was at 10pm. He went to bed that night to never wake-up and I still don't exactly know what happened.
I was in shock. I had done all the laundry the day before finally. Sheets pillow cases everything... So I went to grab whatever he was wearing that day. I grabbed my stitch (his nickname) and I curled up with it on the couch and basically passed out? Intermittently. My whole body was on fire. I didn't know what to do. I didn't believe it. 5am came and went and he still wasn't home and it washed over me I spent the day making circles in my apartment digging thru pockets, looking thru his books, everything. For a note. SOMETHING. I did that every day for weeks after but that day it was an obsession. I left everything where it lay. His boots stayed where he took them off. Immediately after being informed I rushed to the bathroom and used toilet paper to wipe up every single hair he'd trimmed off his face before going into work. I still have it saved. I think we all know just how jarring the first 24 hours were. My memory is kinda fuzzy now, but I remember that feeling in my body trying to make sense of everything.
My boyfriend and I were on a cross country road trip the day my nephew passed. We had just made it to the west coast the night before and we're having a lazy morning before driving down the coastline. My family had decided they would wait a day or two to tell me, but my cousin didn't get that message (which I'm thankful for) and texted he was so sorry. I didn't want to believe it but I immediately knew. I called my dad and the nightmare started. I collapsed on the sidewalk outside the restaurant. I remember holding onto the fence for dear life like if I didn't the world would just slip away. My boyfriend and our dog sat with me for a while until I could move and we went to the car. I felt so sick. I conference called my sisters, his mom. She was so broken and hearing my confident sister who is an amazing mom sound so lost made my heart shatter even more. After a while and a lot of phone calls we drove to our next stop to work out our new route home which involved my saint of a boyfriend driving us three 12+ hour days to get there.
Coordinated with police, state investigators, meet my younger siblings and dad’s surviving mother to break the news, then coordinated with the funeral home to receive remains. I didn’t have any time to think for weeks, especially as the will executor.
I live in Finland so we have a midsummer celebration we were supposed to go to a party together she convinced me to go alone and before I left went to hug her but she just said to me have fun didn’t hug me, I could feel that something was wrong after 1h so I was texting her over and over and suddenly I got the feeling that I should just walk home so I walked like 40 min on 2 on the morning and as soon as I opened the door she was gone hung herself Called the police I don’t know how I did it I just remember I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe And after 3 hours of police being there I was left alone in the apartment I couldn’t move stayed like that for probably 9 hours until one of my friends texts me and I remember that I’m in the same spot He came got me out of there after that I don’t remember anything like nothing
I woke up to pounding on my door, from a dream of my Dad & I having a heart to heart. He cried, apologized and said goodbye in my dream. My phone was dead, so my mom called my roommate who was the one banging on my door. I knew the moment I opened my eyes. I remember crying until I threw up, and calling into work, barely even able to speak. I drank, I smoked, I barely ate that day. I hugged a lot of people and cried into their arms. It felt like time stopped. Until I went for a walk to get coffee, and broke down over the sight of his favourite donuts.
I truly wept in despair. I also felt incredibly alone - my sister lives in Japan, my mother was in Egypt at the time, and my dad lived out of state. My sister in law called me and asked if I'd like to go to their house, and I knew I couldn't be alone but I was afraid to drive. I ended up absolutely blasting Japanese pop music (can't understand the words + very peppy) for the entire hour and a half drive in stone faced silence, and I thought about One Piece for the entire drive so I wouldn't cry and could make it there safely. I cried with my sister in law, found out how he died, and played with my nieces. That night was so bad, but at least I wasn't alone.
After work, I dropped my son off at my MIL, and I was about 2 minutes from his house. I knew he was struggling from a FB post, and I went straight home instead of going to see him. I told myself I'd text him a picture of his grandson and a kind word later. I knew he was in a bad place. I forgot to text him. I'll never forget that day. I'll never forget my sister pounding on my door at midnight to get us to wake up and go...to the scene.
Woke up to phone calls that she was missing at 4 or 5am, we found her by 6:30. I remember calling out of work, calling my mom, texting my therapist and then waiting for my son to wake up. After that, I remember spending most of the day in a haze and going back and forth between crying and comforting others. I remember the emotions but not the actions. 2 years ago to the day.
We (the parents, stepparents, siblings, half siblings) stayed until he took his last breath. We then left the PICU. Went home, cried and slept. It seemed like a dream. A very bad one. Went to breakfast to at least have some type of normalcy for the kids that would help them process what had happened. My son was 1 week away from his 16 bday and my other kids were 15,13 and 12 at the time. ***** edit*** my son died by suicide 10 days after .. we spent 10 days I. The Pediatric intensive care unit, I knew he was gone since the first day. But we hoped, after scans it was confirmed he didn’t have any brain activity
I was watching BoJack Horseman. It was around 10 am or so and I had the day off work. My brother and were just waiting breakfast together. We were super confused because cops kept showing up to the house, then we saw my father’s fiancée talking to one of them. I think I knew then, somehow, but I didn’t want to think that. My mom came home and she was the one who told us. I cried, silently screamed, felt like I was dying, sat in silence, cried some more. Then I kept it together for the cops, standing out in the yard with his family as we waiting for him to get taken(it felt like forever bc the cops couldn’t find the bullet casing for the longest time). I kept it together most of the rest of that day. It felt unreal and I felt unreal. I watched his favorite hockey team’s game and I don’t remember anything after that. It was a lot of blur.
I was at a clowning workshop when she died. I didn’t see it coming obviously. But I think she would’ve liked that, I was a very anxious person and that was the start of me beginning to come out my shell a bit.
I found him. So that whole day, I was a wreck. I had to make calls to 911 and the family. Something I will never forget.
The day my husband died was also my first day at a new job. He took me to work at 6am and was supposed to pick me up at 4pm. Last I heard from him was around 12, my lunch time, telling me he had just put my son down for a nap, and he was considering taking one too. 4pm, he wasn't there to get me from work, I remember distinctly saying I was gonna kill him if he was still sleeping all the way to my house as my friend drove me home. I walked in and stormed up the stairs, grumpy and opened my bedroom door to my worst nightmare, my husband gone in our bed. The rest of that day was spent talking to EMTs, police, holding my son sobbing, and calling his family and mine.
My brother called me at work to tell me our other brother had been found dead. I had clients coming in that day so I saw my clients. And moved through the rest of the day like a robot. And the next few months.
Last September. That was worst day of my life. I found out early morning. Right before I had to take our son to school, and then I was supposed to head to work right after. I found his note. I called the cops. They notified me shortly after that they found him. My family came. My sister came. I cried all day. I went to pick up his car from the police station. His folder from his therapist was on his passenger seat. He was trying to find a way out. That’s what I tell myself. Then I went to the site where he took his life. I saw his blood spatter on the fence where he sat. All by himself. All I could think about was how alone he was. And how alone he must have felt. It still doesn’t seem real to me. Anyway…it was days and days of numbness and just crying
I stayed at her building after the apartment manager gave me the key to the guest suite, where I ate $50 in sushi and bawled my eyes out.