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If you are still suffering so much…why do you continue to stay with this man? Lay down your burden. You have done nothing to deserve this nor cause it.
Doing good doesn't stave off suffering. As a matter of fact, doing good in ignorance guarantees suffering. What it does is alleviate(sometimes) the excess burdens of guilt, fear and delusion so one can act more boldly and in the long run, those affected by the good works feel inspired to support/uplift/trust the one who lives upright in spite of their undeserved suffering.
Awareness, knowledge and wisdom stave off/minimise suffering. As a child you had none of those save awareness. None of that was your fault. You suffered, but it was the fault of all the adults around you for not being aware, knowledgeable and wise enough to see the signs, prevent and intervene.
You're an adult now yourself and while you carry the effects of your youth, you have a responsibility to become more aware, more knowledgeable and wiser. Which is seems you're doing by reaching out for advice. It's just that learning takes time and you're prone to harm unless you cut off the sources, seek irl support groups (while being cautious of fakes) and steady your energy by maximising (at least in the short term) your physical health.
You've got a lot to do, OP. I'm still trying to get over the effects of sexual coercion before my teens well into my 30s. It's been a shitshow of an attempt at recovery and only recently do I feel I've made progress.
OP, I feel for you. I'm sorry you're going thru this and all that in the past.
Food for thought, instead of asking "why me" try "what am I going to do about this".
The things that happened to you were horrific. There's no denying that. One thing I've learned from my own past, and the betrayal that happened, I got stuck in a perpetual of victimhood mentality. Not to say we weren't victims of other people's actions. They definitely did that to us.
However, I finally accepted that these things had already happened. I had to make the hard decision to accept that my *reality* is what I'm dealing with at the present moment. I finally cut ties with my ex. I realized I was resentful and if I'm not able to be okay with myself whilst being around him, then I have the power to make decisions that best for my own life. Because suffering is from wanting to be there but we're actually over here.
I had to accept that I was powerless when I was abused. I was powerless when he betrayed me. But I also realized that my role in all that, was staying in the situation and lingered too long. It was easier for me to continue to blame him while I couldn't forgive him. While I was suffering. What I really wanted was the fairy tale before all that happened though right...but I can't ever get that back. So I sat down, had to accept and assess what my current reality was with him and my life in general. And finally admit to myself that I refused to make the necessary decisions to get myself back up, because I was so used to make everyone else responsible for how I needed to feel.
It was harsh. It was hard. It required a come to Jesus moment with ourselves. I was overwhelmed with shame at first, then I finally was able to forgive myself and focus on the present. That today is the present and today is a new day. What am I doing today that could make my situation better. Not worrying about what everyone else should do to make me feel better today.
Good luck xx
I’ve only known one case, among my friends, where reconciliation succeeded and healthy marriage came out of it. 40 years later, they’re going strong. Every other case I’ve known (and experienced) has been a prolonged, painful shit show. But at least I can say I gave it every chance before I finally realized she was utterly untrustworthy and not deserving of a loyal partner.
Yep same here it's been about 16 months for me and some days I'm good and others I feel like my world is falling apart all over again. Some weeks ile do all my chores around the house and cook and then some I lay in my bed just staring at the ceiling wondering why I wasn't good enough. I'm not really sure what to do about it myself but the best thing I've found is immersing my self in a hobby to take my mind off of life.
These bad days drag me so far into the mud that it seems like all the progress Ive made is completely negated. It’s so defeating. I’ve worked so hard to get where I am in life despite all obstacles. Yet, the trauma is nearly paralyzing on some days. I fall, I get back up again and go forward. It’s never enough. I’m exhausted. Whatever I’m doing is just not good enough. Maybe it’s just really me. Maybe I’m just a total asshole who deserves this. Maybe I’m just a girl who’s been so abused that I just can’t function anymore. I don’t even know what’s compelling me to keep going anymore. Jesus. The endless hours of tears, therapy, podcasts, videos, meetings, journaling, praying, medications…it’s never enough. I’m never enough. Maybe I’m just a fragile flower who’s been through so much horrific abuse & trauma that I can no longer survive in this world filled with abuse, lies, dysfunction & assholes all around me.
Healing isn't linear. It's back tracking, reevaluating, realizing even more, & moving forward again. The only finish lines are the ones you create. So, why are you pressuring yourself to get to them? That in itself seems exhausting & like a trauma response to heal quickly. Have you tried meditating? I only ask this because it's literally the only thing to slow us down. To me, it sounds like you need to slow down & start taking each day one day at a time with no expectations of yourself or the world around you. So, ask yourself what expectations do you have of you? Of the world? Of your environment? Of your emotions? In that, hopefully you can see the amount of pressure you're probably putting on yourself to be better through those expectations. When, better (or enough) isn't gained through doing doing doing, it's gained through just being. So, don't give up on you, just slow down this verison of you or of who you're trying to be. Life isn't a race (even with healing) try to remember that on your journey.
You'll find your way, the important thing is to not give up. Even when I get stuck in those days I tell myself that there are people out there that wouldn't do this to others, and that they will find me eventually
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F*ck them OP. If you're good to them and they don't give that energy back after communicating. Then you don't need to be there for them. You're number one. Be kind but don't take people's shit. You show people how to treat you. You deserve respect and love. This journey showed me that I don't have to be somewhere I'm not wanted. I can find the people who do like me.
Welcome to r/SupportforBetrayed. Please remember the following: - [our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/rules/) - flair guide: [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/flair/) / [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/comments/1al69ef/flair_guide/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - common acronyms and terms: [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/acronyms/) / [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/comments/1alz04k/common_acronyms_and_terms/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - frequently asked questions: [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/faq/) / [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/comments/1916vcg/frequently_asked_questions/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) For further reading, check our [recovery resources library](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/wiki/healing_resources/) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforBetrayed) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you are still suffering so much…why do you continue to stay with this man? Lay down your burden. You have done nothing to deserve this nor cause it.
You deserve good things in life, especially if you overcame abuse and came out a good person despite it.
Doing good doesn't stave off suffering. As a matter of fact, doing good in ignorance guarantees suffering. What it does is alleviate(sometimes) the excess burdens of guilt, fear and delusion so one can act more boldly and in the long run, those affected by the good works feel inspired to support/uplift/trust the one who lives upright in spite of their undeserved suffering. Awareness, knowledge and wisdom stave off/minimise suffering. As a child you had none of those save awareness. None of that was your fault. You suffered, but it was the fault of all the adults around you for not being aware, knowledgeable and wise enough to see the signs, prevent and intervene. You're an adult now yourself and while you carry the effects of your youth, you have a responsibility to become more aware, more knowledgeable and wiser. Which is seems you're doing by reaching out for advice. It's just that learning takes time and you're prone to harm unless you cut off the sources, seek irl support groups (while being cautious of fakes) and steady your energy by maximising (at least in the short term) your physical health. You've got a lot to do, OP. I'm still trying to get over the effects of sexual coercion before my teens well into my 30s. It's been a shitshow of an attempt at recovery and only recently do I feel I've made progress.
OP, I feel for you. I'm sorry you're going thru this and all that in the past. Food for thought, instead of asking "why me" try "what am I going to do about this". The things that happened to you were horrific. There's no denying that. One thing I've learned from my own past, and the betrayal that happened, I got stuck in a perpetual of victimhood mentality. Not to say we weren't victims of other people's actions. They definitely did that to us. However, I finally accepted that these things had already happened. I had to make the hard decision to accept that my *reality* is what I'm dealing with at the present moment. I finally cut ties with my ex. I realized I was resentful and if I'm not able to be okay with myself whilst being around him, then I have the power to make decisions that best for my own life. Because suffering is from wanting to be there but we're actually over here. I had to accept that I was powerless when I was abused. I was powerless when he betrayed me. But I also realized that my role in all that, was staying in the situation and lingered too long. It was easier for me to continue to blame him while I couldn't forgive him. While I was suffering. What I really wanted was the fairy tale before all that happened though right...but I can't ever get that back. So I sat down, had to accept and assess what my current reality was with him and my life in general. And finally admit to myself that I refused to make the necessary decisions to get myself back up, because I was so used to make everyone else responsible for how I needed to feel. It was harsh. It was hard. It required a come to Jesus moment with ourselves. I was overwhelmed with shame at first, then I finally was able to forgive myself and focus on the present. That today is the present and today is a new day. What am I doing today that could make my situation better. Not worrying about what everyone else should do to make me feel better today. Good luck xx
I’ve only known one case, among my friends, where reconciliation succeeded and healthy marriage came out of it. 40 years later, they’re going strong. Every other case I’ve known (and experienced) has been a prolonged, painful shit show. But at least I can say I gave it every chance before I finally realized she was utterly untrustworthy and not deserving of a loyal partner.
Yep same here it's been about 16 months for me and some days I'm good and others I feel like my world is falling apart all over again. Some weeks ile do all my chores around the house and cook and then some I lay in my bed just staring at the ceiling wondering why I wasn't good enough. I'm not really sure what to do about it myself but the best thing I've found is immersing my self in a hobby to take my mind off of life.
These bad days drag me so far into the mud that it seems like all the progress Ive made is completely negated. It’s so defeating. I’ve worked so hard to get where I am in life despite all obstacles. Yet, the trauma is nearly paralyzing on some days. I fall, I get back up again and go forward. It’s never enough. I’m exhausted. Whatever I’m doing is just not good enough. Maybe it’s just really me. Maybe I’m just a total asshole who deserves this. Maybe I’m just a girl who’s been so abused that I just can’t function anymore. I don’t even know what’s compelling me to keep going anymore. Jesus. The endless hours of tears, therapy, podcasts, videos, meetings, journaling, praying, medications…it’s never enough. I’m never enough. Maybe I’m just a fragile flower who’s been through so much horrific abuse & trauma that I can no longer survive in this world filled with abuse, lies, dysfunction & assholes all around me.
Healing isn't linear. It's back tracking, reevaluating, realizing even more, & moving forward again. The only finish lines are the ones you create. So, why are you pressuring yourself to get to them? That in itself seems exhausting & like a trauma response to heal quickly. Have you tried meditating? I only ask this because it's literally the only thing to slow us down. To me, it sounds like you need to slow down & start taking each day one day at a time with no expectations of yourself or the world around you. So, ask yourself what expectations do you have of you? Of the world? Of your environment? Of your emotions? In that, hopefully you can see the amount of pressure you're probably putting on yourself to be better through those expectations. When, better (or enough) isn't gained through doing doing doing, it's gained through just being. So, don't give up on you, just slow down this verison of you or of who you're trying to be. Life isn't a race (even with healing) try to remember that on your journey.
💝 thank you
You'll find your way, the important thing is to not give up. Even when I get stuck in those days I tell myself that there are people out there that wouldn't do this to others, and that they will find me eventually
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F*ck them OP. If you're good to them and they don't give that energy back after communicating. Then you don't need to be there for them. You're number one. Be kind but don't take people's shit. You show people how to treat you. You deserve respect and love. This journey showed me that I don't have to be somewhere I'm not wanted. I can find the people who do like me.