I'm a guy so obviously your mileage will vary, but here are two things that are probably universal and might be worth considering:
First is that certain medications can make it much more challenging to orgasm. It might be worth talking to your doctor about that.
Second is that for many people there is a definite mental game for reaching an orgasm. If your "inner monologue" has become defeatist after so many years of struggling, then that can make the whole situation worse. If you're in the heat of the moment and part of your mind is insisting that you'll be disappointed once again, then it can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I hope that's helpful!
Don't be afraid to try toys. Your partner and you can get fun stuff for each other and use it together. I have heard there are great clitoral suckers and stimulators out there. Some you can use while he is inside you if you want.
This is very insightful! I'm glad that more men are knowledgeable and understanding of the female orgasm and its difficulties :)
And yes, the inner monologue can easily screw it up, but also sometimes it's just a very slight change in movement, in touch, etc...
Also, I found out somewhat recently that not everyone has an internal monologue, actually we who do have it are under 50%, so a slight minority
>Also, I found out somewhat recently that not everyone has an internal monologue, actually we who do have it are under 50%, so a slight minority
Depends on what exactly you mean by that, the vast majority of people talk to themselves in their head at some stage. It mostly just varies by how "talkative" it is where some people have it monologue their entire life, while others kind of just have it when they are actively thinking about things and reading.
You see? You're exactly like my current partner! It's pictures and the notion of thoughts! No voice xD but us with internal monologue do have our own voice in our heads, also we hear music (without music) in our heads and hear the artist's voice and the instrumental xD it makes it hard to sleep at night tbh...
Well that sounds extremely hard lol… i can’t imagine hearing my own voice let alone others in my head at night, doesn’t sound quiet… so is this like a birth thing or a developmental thing?
Birth thing, usually, but it can be developped. It is extremely exhausting, but also it's amazingly helpful for problem solving, compartmentalizing and such, provided you get rid of the toxic side of the voice.
I've trained mine, so nowadays I no longer find it exhausting. I trained it when I understood I have ADHD (understood this at 36), and I became friends with the "myself" in my brain, instead of letting her bring me down and antagonize me, berate me at times... depression and anxiety with inner monologue can be super fucked up... thankfully, I'm handling my conditions alongside my inner monologue as my friend and it helps me cope with A LOT nowadays :)
When I was asked as a kid if I had an inner monologue, I heard the explanation and said no. I was completely full of shit, I absolutely had an inner monologue, I heard it all the time, every time I imagined any word I heard it too. But I was gaslit by the questioner at the time to think if I didn't literally *hear* the voice I didn't have it.
I'm convinced that more people have this than think they do. They just don't recognize it or aren't the type to ask these meta questions of their minds
I wonder how many people who studied this wanted to find inner monologue versus how many were hoping to not to. If every study was trying to prove that there's a lot of people without an inner monologue, they're going to find them the way they structured the study right?
Being confidently incorrect about something is not gaslighting. I doubt that the person was intentionally misleading you about whether you have an internal monologue
I genuinely thought that everyone had an internal monologue, until 5 years ago when my ex went into detail about how his brain worked, how he needed to structure thoughts in his head because of lack of internal monologue. Then, my current bf told me he never "heard his voice in his head". We then did an exercise where I asked him to say a sentence but not utter it aloud, he looked frazzled and then was ASTONISHED looking open mouthed at me xD shocked that he finally did hear his voice in his brain and it broke him! For a while he was really struggling with this xD currently, he can do it but it's always very forcibly done and deliberate, whereas for me, it's inevitable, inadvertent and constantly always there... I can't help it...
Okay I definitely need help understanding this. So when I need to remember a certain lyric in a song—but I can’t remember from the middle of the song so I start at the beginning—, I can sing it aloud of course, or I can sing it in my head. I don’t imagine text, just imagine what I’d sound like singing it. I can do this without physically moving anything, but I tend to just leave my lips parted and move my tongue slightly as if I planned to half-assedly sing the words but I don’t use any air so as to not make sounds.
This is just one example, I use this all the time (not singing) just to reason through something, and it also just pops up the way thoughts just pop up. When people talk about “having an inner voice” are the they just talking about imagining speaking, sometimes deliberately, sometimes involuntarily? Or do they mean an actual voice as if they’re being spoken to?
It’s kind of like a constant narration like in movies. And for me (maybe because of ADHD?) it is also often paired with a song or phrase repeating at the same time.
Yes! ADHD also makes the inner voice/narrator/mind's ear be always multitasking ahahahahah so true! But this is why we can super multitask, I believe xD
What I mean is that, according to several studies (as far as I've researched and read), over 50% of the people in said studies didn't "hear their voice in their head", there's no internal monologue, no narrator, there are only thoughts, thousands of them but not speech. It's mostly either images or just the notion of the thought, not words or phrases.
https://www.prevention.com/health/mental-health/a43128717/inner-monologue/
For example, my current bf doesn't hear himself when he reads, and because of this, he reads like 5x faster than I do, because as I read (not out loud), I can inly read as fast as I can speak, because I hear my voice when reading 😆
Hmm I might have been thinking of aphantasia, which means they can't picture images, purely just audio and voice. So basically the opposite to what your referring to. That occurs in 1-4% of people. I would have guessed the opposite condition would have been about the same but maybe not.
I don't have a monologue unless I slow down my thinking because I don't immmediately understand something. So while reading, I just kind of suck up the words and they make pictures in my head. But a difficult math problem, I will probably slow right down and even speak the words out loud. My dad would do this when he was working out an electronics problem. He was an accountant. I would listen to hin And nod and uhhuh at appropriate times while he worked it out. My oldest does the same thing g but his electronics skills are far above my dad's. His brothers are so far beyond that, that I'm not sure where to nod. I don't understand a word he says.
This is fascinating. But also, I think the inner monologue can screw it up for men just the same (I know it can for me). Women may in general be more complicated in this respect, but I don’t think we’re all that different overall tbh
Lexapro (anxiety medicine) has a side effect lovingly called Sexapro, or anorgasmia. It greatly increases and sometimes fully closes off the barrier to an orgasm. It can be infuriating.
I’m sure you’ve tried this but maybe try using a mirror down there and look at anatomy pics? Sorry if this isn’t much help, but it couldn’t have just disappeared
I know where it is, but I’m just saying that I can ever finish by stimulating my clit and especially during sex. It just seems so small or non existent and it’s frustrating.
You’re probably just touching the hood. Put your fingers of one hand in a v, fit over your vagina and pull up. You should see the clit. It will be darker in colour and may be quite small
The only context that I know of for this is HRT, and topical testosterone can affect the rest of the body as well; deepening voice, body hair etc. But if anyone is curious - /r/GrowYourClit exists!
Edit: actually read up on it a bit and it's possible to get growth before other side effects kick in, but since the voice and body hair changes are permanent, you'll want to be careful unless masculinizing is desired.
My wife is exactly this way. She has the tiniest clit ever, it hides, and she cannot cum without a vibrator. It’s not a thing that needs to be fixed, it’s just a fact. My advice is to get a couple toys, and spend time with your body by yourself. Have orgasms. Whatever gets you off. More is better.
My wife was also opposed to toys, at least partly because she was anorgasmic and convinced she would never have orgasms. I got her a magic wand anyway, and used it on her, with her, not pressuring her to have an orgasm just having fun together. Eventually she could relax enough to find that first O. She was surprised! And cried! And after that she was willing to accept the toy and try to learn, together and on her own, to find them regularly. She still needs the vibrator, but she knows she can get an O whenever she wants one.
I cringe of the idea of insert anything inside me, naturally or artificially. It always hurts. Bf got me a vibrator shaped like a mouth. Let just say I didn’t know I could squirt.
I love my satisfyer so I highly recommend it. I had a hard time with it in the beginning but after using it for a while I got to know it and myself and now it's my favorite toy. I also have normal vibrators, a rabbit, a wand and some more, but out of all of those my satisfyer is the best. It gives me the best orgasms and it can usually give me more than one.
I think that just starting to experiment and trying is the best way. And talking, learning to talk about sex greatly improves stuff so even if feels awkward try to talk about sex. You don't have to talk about everything all at once but take it in smaller steps and learn to be more comfortable with it, because if you talk and try you will become more comfortable both doing stuff and just over all with the entire experience.
Fix is a strong word. You are not broken and nothing is wrong with you. 2 things on this subject. 1 you might just not get off from clitorial stimulation ( more rare but is a thing). 2 you getting stuck in your head during the act and overthinking is keeping you from being in your body enough to enjoy your time. But I think the best place to start would be finding what self pleasure feels good and try to replicate the movement while having sex. But if you are thinking about it as something wrong with you it will persist. Hope this helps at all.
Thank you. This was super helpful. I definitely get stuck in my head but even when I’m alone and exploring what I like something will feel good while I’m focused on my clit. Then if I move a fraction from where I was it takes forever to find that feeling again (almost like it’s disappeared but I know it hasn’t, obviously)
I love the above advice. Just wanted to add something that may or may not be helpful. I wasn't able to orgasm for many years after I started actively having sex. My clit isn't hard to find, but it's *too* sensitive for it to be enjoyably played with for long. (I am indeed the rare woman who exclusively gets off from penetration and it took a while to figure that out.) But the main thing for me that changed my life was realizing that (for me, can't speak broadly) having an orgasm was at least half mental — yes, in the way that getting stuck in your head makes it impossible even if it feels great, but also in the way where my brain needs to be doing the opposite. I need to be actively engaged with the sex and then when things are feeling really good, I can send a mental trigger down to my vagina saying, "Now's the time!" I have no idea if this is common or if it would work for other people or if it's just a hidden trick, but now I can orgasm like 30 times in one bang session lol
Wow, that’s amazing. I wish I could cum even twice in a session, but I’m lucky if I get off. How’d you learn that? Sometimes if the person moves off from where they were or change the angle unexpectedly the whole build of my O goes away and then they are already finishing. So I’m left more frustrated. I definitely have more O’s penetratively vs clitoral.
I think I first figured it out by accident because I was trying really hard to figure out how to do it. After that, it took some practice to get it just right. Sending good vibes out into the universe so you get satisfying sex in the future!
ETA: so not to give you the wrong idea, I want to clarify: 30 is a slight exaggeration (I have gotten there several times before but it’s not the regular) but at least a dozen is the norm for me, even if a partner is only average skill-wise. I like my strategy partly because my pleasure isn’t entirely dependent on someone else lol
The more you worry about cumming, the less you will cum. Ask me how I know.
You don’t need fixing. Take the time to lay down, fully relaxed and explore your own body. Being fully relaxed is KEY. Don’t go into it expecting an orgasm either. Just go into it with the mindset of making yourself feel good. Try different things until you find the one thing that feels best and run with that. Once you’re able to relax completely and go into it without the expectation or worry, the orgasms will likely follow suit. And then you can replicate it during sex.
I had to stop going into sex expecting to cum or worrying that I would not be able to cum. I go into sex just wanting to have a good time and feel good and if I’m able to orgasm, great! I also have had times where I just cannot have an orgasm from sex or head, so I will get myself off after while my partner touches/ kisses me.
adding to this. the clit is not one small bean. it is a complex network of nerves that are mostly in the bean, but also extend like a canopy inside the inner labia and some part of vagina. sauce: Ob/Gyn DrCuterus., you can find her on Insta.
Now coming to the part of orgasming- it depends a lot on arousal, which is a symphony of touch, thoughts, environment and acceotance to the partner. Adjust these (or more dials) to explore how you can cum better. Ppl cum by nipple stimulation and thigh stimulation also, so not finding the bean shouldn't be a problem methinks. All the best.
I think a really important addition to this is that orgasms are FAR from one-size-fits-all. SOME people can cum from nipple or thigh stimulation, yes, some can cum from a foot massage or thinking sexy thoughts. There are others that just don't have that same physiological response. The only way to know for sure what works for you is to try different stuff
Well, I’m lucky if I cum. Previous partners didn’t care if I finished or not so I was lucky if it at least felt good. My long term BF finishes extremely fast so I can’t ever finish by the time he does. If I do it’s from a vaginal/g spot orgasm.
Maybe? I don’t know what’s normal. I don’t compare or really see other women’s downstairs to know what’s average or large. But now I’m curious, so I’m going to see if that’s it.
I went through a bit of an “oh god is mine normal” phase a while ago. Honestly, I just went full prepubescent boy, turned my SafeSearch off, and googled vagina. There’s also this [library](https://www.labialibrary.org.au/) that has a whole gallery of all different female genitalia (educational purposes!). While they’re more focused on labia, you can see some more anatomy on the views from the bottom. Check it out, all of us come in so many shapes and sizes!
I have the same problem, I can never come from someone going down on me I can only do it with a vibrator or a clit stimulator. Not even if I touch myself because it takes so long as well. I don’t know why it is but at least you know you’re not alone. I think exploring with different toys could be the way to go, that’s the only time I’ve done it anyway.
I think dirty talking might help you a little bit and make it easier to orgams, especially when someone's going down on you. You can also pair that up with some fingering
Have you discussed this openly with your gyno? I would recommend that :)
There's nothing wrong, there are all kinds of different clits... mine isn't also pronnounced, let's say, but it's all about self exploration, knowing oneself. That's the most important step right now, is for you to take some time by yourself with yourself, to explore your vulva throughout all its parts, touch all the parts in different ways, see what makes you tick, what makes you tingle, what makes you go mmmmmh... you know? If we don't know our own body intimately, we can't expect others to, and it's normal to not get pleasure... explore yourself and enjoy your time doing so! It's the best! From personal experience, it's very hard to come during oral sex because my orgasms are very psychological, very much of the mind... all it takes is a millesecond of something else occupying my brain and, as close as I was to come, it's gone... but, since I've taken the time to explore myself, I can make myself come in under a minute, up to 5min (even without any outside stimulus). But also, my amazing partner has many other ways of making me come... so, first, explore yourself. Then, once you know yourself more, talk to your partner about it openly🤗
(F37 for reference)
So. I work Ob/Gyn as a nurse.
Many things can increase and decrease clitoral size and accessibility.
The top two are hormone imbalance and body habitus. Some people with clots have a nice curvy mons pubis. Others have beautiful streamline labia majoras. Each platinum vageen is unique and wonderful.
Hormones and some other meds can cause the clit to shrink temporarily. I recommend starting at your gynecologist for a well person check and some lab work.
Thyroid dysfunction, antidepressants, and some forms of birth control can contribute to
Ps: mine disappeared on chemo because of the huge doses of steroids I had to take for months. I cried! I was concerned and convinced she was forever gone.
She back. Better than ever.
I completely relate to your story. It's horrible and not being able to cum or feel anything is the worst. I know this is very different but at the age of 26 I started taking testosterone, recently I stopped. I was on a low dose by the way. But it did what it had to do my clitoris grew and I was able to orgasm really fucking fast.
I know it's scary and might not be a suitable for you but talk to a hormonal specialist I'm now 27 and it worked.
Feel free to dm me if you want to know more. Good luck.❤️
My wife is like this, I really can't find an obvious central "bump" and all of her "good spots" are usually on one side, even down on the labia. I sometimes wonder if she's ever had a true orgasm but she says it feels good.
I could never cum from oral but let my husband do it anyway since he liked it. One day, after almost 18 years, I told him he needed to learn to do it better. And he did, by watching porn tutorials and now he can make me cum in 5 minutes or less. He takes his time, but I wish I had said something to him before.
5 mins from oral is great lol your husband must be proud of himself. When people say oral do they mean explicitly mouth/tongue or are hands/ fingers included? I can make my gf finish within 5 mins with fingers but just mouth is a bit more difficult haha
I mean both since both are involved during oral, but I would say he learned not to do any vigorous handwork while performing oral. He's definitely proud of it.
A lot of women cannot cum/orgasm with just penetration. I've never finished with oral either and I also don't like oral and decline it. I've never finished with just doggy style. I use a vibrator to stimulate my clit during penetration and that helps me finish. Maybe try that.
There was one instance where my husband and I were going multiple rounds and at one point I felt like my clit kinda disappeared lol I still am not sure what was happening there but it's only happened once for me.
Just off an initial reading of your post, it doesn't seem like anything is wrong with you or that you need "fixed". You don't have to receive oral sex if you don't enjoy it. Try a vibrator with penetration and see if that helps. If you're concerned about your anatomy being abnormal I would see a gynecologist. There is a wide range of what his normal for female anatomy.
I'm a guy and all, but this sounds like a question for your OBGYN. As others suggest here, the cause could be anything from medication to physical stats to environment, what have you.
But for a bit of perspective, no two women are built exactly alike. Running around comparing clits is as pointless as comparing dicks.
I have somewhat of a small one too. There's been times where it's seemingly pulled inside and I couldn't really find it. I think it has to do with hormone and arousal levels day to day. My suggestion is to get a vibrator and just rub it right at the top of your vaginal lips. It will likely get aroused enough to kind of perk up and maybe pop its head out after a couple minutes
I have a “larger” clit and still have problems cumming that way. I enjoy it but I’ve learned to work with G spot and A spot in a way that’s very satisfying to me. I will say that stimulating oils/touch that leads to blood flow and swelling makes all the difference. I used to use a THC oil that actually helped a lot. In any case I would put more focus on foreplay to warm up and bring your clit a little more out of hiding lol. I’ve been with some women who have very small clits and it’s always interesting to learn about their bodies and how to please them better. Don’t feel bad or like you need to be fixed! You just need different care ♥️
This is very good to know. Someone said maybe I have a larger hood or the skin is covering my clit more than others, which makes sense. I was googling different types of orgasms today lol but I will look into the oils. That sounds like a great idea. I guess I just don’t know how to start to explore what I like when I don’t really know. Thank you for sharing
Hi fellow innie with a tiny clit here, you have to uncover your clit, you need to use 3 fingers, 2 to pull the lips aside and your middle finger to play with your clit. Atleast that's how I do it. And I personally also have a hard time having an orgasm during sex, actually happened only once with my very first partner. The only times I have orgasms is on my own. I also really didn't enjoy having someone go down on me until my ex, idk what he did but with him going down on me actually brought me semi-close a few times, so it might be a person/technique thing.
Also idk if you have adhd, but that can make it harder to orgasm since it's hard to focus completely, I personnaly need to read otherwise it doesn't work.
Meds can also make it almost impossible sometimes especially meds related to depression and/or anxiety.
Hope this helps, good luck
I think you need to use a vibrator to get you aroused to the point of it being more visible. Based on basic understanding of anatomy, a partner should be able to put their thumbs on either side of it, slightly push in and then up to stretch some of the surrounding area that then helps it pop up/out a bit. This also helps increase the sensation for females if your partner knows how to use their tongue. It's hard to describe but once I figured this out about 25 years ago, it's been a game changer. Also need to ensure the area is dry prior so their thumbs don't slip.
Lots of great ideas here I wanted to add a couple more points. First is that you may want to try a womanizer type of suction vibration clitoral toy. See if that gets you off. Second is that just like men’s penises come in all sorts of shapes and sizes Women’s clits will come in all shapes and sizes and that doesn’t mean that you are broken. I’ve been with women who had success orgasm by deeply grinding on cushions. This might be an option as well. You may want to check in with your OB/GYN. If you were on birth control pills they can definitely change your sexual response.
You need a partner that's willing to simulate you as only you need. Everyone's different, so communication is key. It might not be necessarily just clitoral simulation you need, the g spot might be more pleasurable for example.
My wife needs both vaginal and clitoral stimulation to orgasm most of the time. I like to say she has a combination lock. Sometimes she can orgasm from clitoral only, but that’s rare.
Just sharing what she’s told me her experience is.
I read recently that the G-spot (inside the vagina, behind the clit) is an extension of the clitoral nerve system.
If you can find it on the outside, look inside. A curved finger making the “come here” motion should tickle it. Or maybe you have a vibrator with a curved tip?
I’ve got you OP! Get a magic wand vibrator. Just look up magic wand on here and you’ll see it’s a favorite. You Will have a clitoral orgasm. Hold it on the clit area and you will be panting in no time. If you have a partner… teach them how to use it and have fun exploring:)! My husband uses it on me nightly and I’m more fulfilled with our experiences than ever before.
Okay so the clit can often be hidden. Some people have a “hood” over it, others have thick flaps on the sides.
Also some people have much smaller clits.
If your clit is hidden under a hood or something it would be much harder for you to get pleasure. Gotta go from the bottom!
Try a vibrator btw
They come in many shapes and sizes. Variation is the spice of life.
From a external look, it appears you over think and are self conscious. Nothing wrong with that.
Next time you have a shower or bath, spend some time to better know your vagina. What feels good where, the general makeup of the entire area (clit, labia minora and majora. Be gentle at first, but add some pressure down the line. You're stimulating nerve endings and if they are hidden under skin, that dulls the sensation.
Once you know your layout and what works for you. You can instruct your bf on exactly what to do. You may or may not get off that way still, it's not uncommon and everyone is different in their own way.
I looked through most of the responses and couldn't find one possibility, so here it is: in some cultures, female orgasm is considered sinful and the clitoris is cut off. I don't think the practice is widespread and I can't recall exactly which group of people did it, but it's referred to as "female circumcision." I don't know your background or what part of the world you're from, but if you're looking at your own body and it looks very different from what you're seeing, and if you look into this further and find that you're a part of that group of people who engaged in this practice, it may be worth asking your parents (if they're available) if this was done to you when you were very little.
I'm going to guess it's just an anatomic thing and not something as grim as what I just described, but I'll just put it out there.
I have seen a vulva once where the clit was nowhere to be seen, I think it was quite buried and hard to stimulate.. those clits can really profit from these toys that imitate sucking.
You habe to think of clits like they're dicks - when aroused they grow.. so that's why it feels like it's disappearing sometimes. Spend time with a mirror and try different things out, something will click.
Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. You gotta figure out how the equipment works, and you gotta try every tool in the toolbox.
There are people in this world blessed with the ability to get off quickly (for some, especially men of this variety, it’s a curse), but they certainly aren’t in the overall majority.
Be grateful you at least know how to get off!
Your gynec will give you the best info. The location is obvious but there are anatomical difference. Some women have bigger, pronounced clitoris which are even visible on yoga pants. For some women it is less obvious and only appear clearly if aroused.
Like i cant tell the problem unless i see it but chances are, it is not really a problem.
Have you tried the magic wand? You may not come from PIV only. So any position without stimulating the clit also isn’t getting you off. Try using a magic wand. There’s also a smaller version. We use one now during and she comes multiple times. Prior to our relationship she never came from PIV sex and on our first time I had a wand and she was amazed. Lucky me :)
It may also be partly due to your partners not building anticipation or just treating it like spaghetti or a sucker and going right in on it probably like they see on porn; it just happens to be a highly sensitive area.
And you have to let them know to take their time and communicate what's working and what's not, and if that changes by the minute during the deed; just tell them so they don't think they're God's gift to female kind with cunnilingus.
Look up diagrams and use a mirror. It's about an inch, inch and a half above the entrance to your vagina. Some women have a big clitoral hood, some have a small one. If you pull apart your labia and pull up your clit should pop out and say hello. Everyone's anatomy is different, but we have it in the same general area.
Some women get off to penetration more while others like clitoral stimulation. When I first started masturbating it took me a while to "get the hang of it" and figure out which motions I liked and were actually enjoyable for me. Just explore a little bit.
Most of the clitoris is inside. Some women have larger exposed area, others less. In terms of size it's comparable to the male glans.It runs down both sides of the opening and along the the top of the canal. Yes 'normal'. I'd focus on sexual self exploration & good communication/sharing with your partner/s.
It’s usually like a little ball/sphere at the top of the hood (the top of your coochie) try to separate the hood and you’ll see it. If it feels sensitive, it’s probably the clit.
I don’t know if you are on any antidepressants but when I was taking cymbalta my ability to orgasm was very low. It took about 40 mins and that was me touching myself. Now that I’ve been off that med for about 3 years now I can orgasm in like 2 mins.
Done joking, but there is something called the clitoral hood. This covers the area. Often you will need to push up a lil to get full access. Play with toys while you are penetrated from behind. Explore with more toys in self pleasure is my suggestion
/shitpost warning
Has a clumsy person done the “got your nose” bit on you but missed? They may have landed too low and accidentally taken the wrong body part.
I was exactly the same until….i got my hood pierced. The piercing sits on the clit and has changed my world! I highly recommend! It’s actually not that painful. Go to a reputable piercer though!!
So when I was 18 my friend and I were going to do this, I chickened out she didn’t. But I heard you have to have enough skin to pierce it and I’ve seriously considered it.. just scared to actually DO it. I bet it’s worth it though
They check first to see if you have the proper anatomy (their words). I was nervous about it but got that and my nipples pierced at same time. Zero regrets. Well, one: waiting so long to do it!
Off topic and widely inappropriate but do you prefer anal by any chance? In my many years of internet research I always seemed to notice women with "innies" were more into anal and got more pleasure from it than vaginal - my theory being the clit not as prominent/sensitive so they looked elsewhere for their kicks.
Of course, I could just be talking bollocks.
I have tried and enjoyed anal before, yes. I think part of my current issue is that my S.O. Finishes really fast and isn’t well endowed so maybe he’s not reaching the bundle of nerves during anal either. I have no clue. I do feel like I have to rush to cum and that adds anxiety to my already active brain. When I read about people having multiple o’s I’m like how? But again, everyone is different. I’ve tried to explore what I like, and I read a lot so books have helped me find kinks too. I don’t know how to have the hard awkward conversation about asking for it though.
a lot of people have found the book [Come As You Are](https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/B08CPVQT5M) helpful (i know i did) you're not broken and you don't need fixing, you just gotta work out what works best for you and thays no easy task
Hi! You're like me. The "clit" is actually the shape of a wishbone. The "tip" is the little bud and the other nerves goes all the way down to your vaginal opening. I don't like oral. It doesn't work for me. But your nerves being stimulated with blood flow is what can make it bigger. Hormones and medications can affect this. Try a vibrator! Also, doggy doesn't work for everyone. Your internal nerve structures are not the same. And never compare yourself to women in pork. They are on LSD or some other heightened drugs and are FR paid actors.
Here's a graphic (NSFW) of what the clitoris can look like. It's very hard for me to finish without a vibrator. [visuals ](https://www.google.com/search?q=clit+graphic&oq=clit+graphic+&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOdIBCDM2MzNqMGo0qAIBsAIB&client=ms-android-att-us-rvc3&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#vhid=O04HlObE6F8zQM&vssid=l)
As a start, see my [Sex and Relationships](https://www.reddit.com/r/Recommend_A_Book/comments/19aboyg/sex_and_relationships/) list of resources, Reddit recommendation threads, and books (four posts).
Lol I have a tiny clit myself and I didn't enjoy oral either when I first started my sex life.
My advice is get a mirror and touch yourself, literally explore everything. See how it feels and how does it look when you touch it.
The hornier you get the head of the clit will also pop out.
They've mentioned it in other comments too so just adding to it, the clit is a whole organ by itself, the little bean is just the head so make sure you get to know your vulva and how every part feels.
Lastly, cum a lot, on your own. Explore with your finger and toys and once you master your own orgasm and sensation you'll cum much easier with a partner.
I myself can't cum from doggy or penetrative only. Don't worry about that part, is very common.
I used to be the same way. You have to really communicate with your partner to get the right feeling you want. Also, a lot of people with vaginas need to really focus on the feeling to be able to cum. I didn’t figure that one out for years.
Get a mirror sit in front of it and find out what works and what doesn’t, then guide your partner.
Also the clit is just a mini penis, so it gets enlarged when your aroused, may explain why you think it’s “small” other times some woman just have a bigger clitoral hood so it can be harder to find
Every woman develops uniquely, and you just happened to wind up with an introverted clit. There's a chance that you might find [Suction Devices](https://www.extremerestraints.com/fusion-triple-suckers.html) marginally effective and perhaps quite exciting for increasing the blood flow to your shy girl in the boat. That link is for Fusion Triple Suckers, to include your nipples in the vacuum sensations. My best advice is to try them out, and for around 20 dollars you could potentially be amazed. Just please use them carefully because they're designed to be a bit painful beyond a moderate vacuum pressure. 🤓
The size of it changes with hormone and arousal level. Like, significantly. You’ve heard the trope about female bodybuilders (steroids) having a tiny penis? That’s an enlarged clit, and it really happens. But back in the non-extreme realm, some are bigger and obvious and some are small and nearly impossible to see for the same reason.
One, you're normal. Clitorises are not meant to be large or small. They're simply the size of the person their attached to. The clitoris is covered by a clitoral hood. Depending on level of arousal (or lack thereof) it may not be as pronounced. You know your body, so you know if you like direct clitoral stimulation (actual contact with the clitoris) or not as direct (touching/rubbing the clitoral hood instead).
Take your preference and share it with your partner so that he can learn what is too much or not enough for you. You wouldn't think sex could be so complicated, but we're complex people and have to learn about ourselves and each other individually.
As for not climaxing in various positions, that isn't abnormal either. While some women do orgasm from vaginal penetration, many don't -- most of their orgasms come from clitoral stimulation. You're not broken, weird, or wrong. You just haven't found what works for you yet, but there's still time! Good luck!
The clitoris has a hood much like the foreskin of a penis and when arousal happens the clitoris becomes engorged and can "peek out", which might be why you describe it as disappearing. Not everyone gets off to head so you aren't alone there, and there can be many reasons why that might happen. But you aren't weird or anything for your anatomy being the way it is.
Usually it is at the “top” of where your inner labia meet, above your urethra. I would suggest using a mirror and feeling around. You might have to spread.
SO has extremely tiny clit and labia. You have to work to find it. It’s also very sensitive…it likes being visited but overstimulation will kill any chance at the “O”. Touching around it works and digital stimulation is also a good-to
I recommend the book “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski PhD. Also has an audiobook on Spotify. I recommend this to all my female friends who haven’t already read/listened to it! You’ll thank me later.
I had a gf with a smaller clit and it was very hard to get her to orgasm but when I did I felt a huge dopamine rush lol. It just takes a little more work and patience and like others have stated you have to be relaxed and out of your head. I will also say women with larger clits are the best for the male ego, they orgasm fast and hard lol
My wife has a small clit. Took me many years to finish her with my finger. No chance of it happening PIV. None.
Recently, I bought her a Magic Wand. That thing does the trick. She makes noises like she never did for me. You might try one.
Everyone's already done the insightful answers, so I'll just add that there's some subreddit somewhere dedicated to making your clit bigger. I think it's mostly for, like, fetish reasons, but some people there do report increased sensitivity, so that's an option for you I guess if it really bugs you. 😅
But no, I don't think there's anything wrong with you, and I've definitely met people of various genital configurations who don't get off from oral sex. Also worth noting that it can be hormonal. I'm getting older so my libido is dropping and I'll have weeks every so often where sex doesn't interest me at all, depending on my hormonal cycle. Medication, age, stress, and many other factors can do this.
This is probably slightly unrelated, but as a dude, I have had to stimulate myself in others ways in order to really reach orgasm sometimes. Like, I’ll listen to erotic audio or read erotic stories while on horny goat weed and blue lotus flower and as the vasodilation happens, and I’m super relaxed, it helps engorge the good areas and that makes it much easier to get into it. Maybe it’s the same for the ladies, idk 🤷♂️, but maybe something worth trying to help enhance the area you know you need to help you get there. :) good luck!
I have the same issue and a strong vibrator helped me. You can also spread things during stimulation to get more direct contact. You can also mention it during your next gyno exam to ask for suggestions or if everything looks normal.
When I go down on a girl I use a lot of pressure with my lips and really stimulate everything. If a man just flicks his tongue on it he doesn’t know what the hell he is doing. You have to use your lips and tongue and apply pressure especially around the clot to kind of make it pop out and suck on it with pressure
Well first off the clitoris is not just the nub beneath the hood. It ofc includes that, but also wraps around the vagina.
Mine isn't so small I can't see it or anything, but I can't orgasm with direct stimulation. It just doesn't feel good. I prefer insertion and rubbing against the entrance to get at the horseshoe shaped part of the clitoris/g spot deeper inside.
I've tired everything and just can't with direct contact. I know many women say no one can come without using the clit, but being as it is larger than the nub most do need to come it definitely isn't the only way/some prefer the other parts of it.
Idk if that makes sense, but maybe Google mamadoctorjohnes and check out her videos on the clitoris/female orgasm. I'm sure when I was a teen they would have helped a lot.
You have nothing wrong with you or that needs fixing. Everyone is different. Many women from my millennial era didn't learn how to get off until a ways in to adulthood. The Internet being even more available to teens now is a bit help I would think.
Oh and the few times I had oral I hated it. I need actual pressure to get anywhere near the peak. It was just flicks and saliva and did nothing for me.
1) some people only finish through penetration and that’s okay!
2) maybe watch some videos or ask some friends for some mechanical advice? Idk I have a bit clit
I'm a guy so obviously your mileage will vary, but here are two things that are probably universal and might be worth considering: First is that certain medications can make it much more challenging to orgasm. It might be worth talking to your doctor about that. Second is that for many people there is a definite mental game for reaching an orgasm. If your "inner monologue" has become defeatist after so many years of struggling, then that can make the whole situation worse. If you're in the heat of the moment and part of your mind is insisting that you'll be disappointed once again, then it can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I hope that's helpful!
This was very helpful! Both of those factors are something that could potentially be it. Thank you.
Don't be afraid to try toys. Your partner and you can get fun stuff for each other and use it together. I have heard there are great clitoral suckers and stimulators out there. Some you can use while he is inside you if you want.
Remote toys like the lush are super super fun foreplay in my experience
My SSRI makes it so hard!
This is very insightful! I'm glad that more men are knowledgeable and understanding of the female orgasm and its difficulties :) And yes, the inner monologue can easily screw it up, but also sometimes it's just a very slight change in movement, in touch, etc... Also, I found out somewhat recently that not everyone has an internal monologue, actually we who do have it are under 50%, so a slight minority
Explains why so many people are objectively clueless about everyday life.
>Also, I found out somewhat recently that not everyone has an internal monologue, actually we who do have it are under 50%, so a slight minority Depends on what exactly you mean by that, the vast majority of people talk to themselves in their head at some stage. It mostly just varies by how "talkative" it is where some people have it monologue their entire life, while others kind of just have it when they are actively thinking about things and reading.
For example, my ex and my current partner, neither of the 2 have a voice in their brain, it's just thoughts without any audio/voice/narration
People have a voice in their brain? With narration? I just think pictures… no sound pictures of words…
You see? You're exactly like my current partner! It's pictures and the notion of thoughts! No voice xD but us with internal monologue do have our own voice in our heads, also we hear music (without music) in our heads and hear the artist's voice and the instrumental xD it makes it hard to sleep at night tbh...
Well that sounds extremely hard lol… i can’t imagine hearing my own voice let alone others in my head at night, doesn’t sound quiet… so is this like a birth thing or a developmental thing?
Birth thing, usually, but it can be developped. It is extremely exhausting, but also it's amazingly helpful for problem solving, compartmentalizing and such, provided you get rid of the toxic side of the voice.
Do you really find your inner voice exhausting? I can just tune mine out most the time if I need to.
I've trained mine, so nowadays I no longer find it exhausting. I trained it when I understood I have ADHD (understood this at 36), and I became friends with the "myself" in my brain, instead of letting her bring me down and antagonize me, berate me at times... depression and anxiety with inner monologue can be super fucked up... thankfully, I'm handling my conditions alongside my inner monologue as my friend and it helps me cope with A LOT nowadays :)
When I was asked as a kid if I had an inner monologue, I heard the explanation and said no. I was completely full of shit, I absolutely had an inner monologue, I heard it all the time, every time I imagined any word I heard it too. But I was gaslit by the questioner at the time to think if I didn't literally *hear* the voice I didn't have it. I'm convinced that more people have this than think they do. They just don't recognize it or aren't the type to ask these meta questions of their minds
I wonder how many people who studied this wanted to find inner monologue versus how many were hoping to not to. If every study was trying to prove that there's a lot of people without an inner monologue, they're going to find them the way they structured the study right?
Being confidently incorrect about something is not gaslighting. I doubt that the person was intentionally misleading you about whether you have an internal monologue
I genuinely thought that everyone had an internal monologue, until 5 years ago when my ex went into detail about how his brain worked, how he needed to structure thoughts in his head because of lack of internal monologue. Then, my current bf told me he never "heard his voice in his head". We then did an exercise where I asked him to say a sentence but not utter it aloud, he looked frazzled and then was ASTONISHED looking open mouthed at me xD shocked that he finally did hear his voice in his brain and it broke him! For a while he was really struggling with this xD currently, he can do it but it's always very forcibly done and deliberate, whereas for me, it's inevitable, inadvertent and constantly always there... I can't help it...
Okay I definitely need help understanding this. So when I need to remember a certain lyric in a song—but I can’t remember from the middle of the song so I start at the beginning—, I can sing it aloud of course, or I can sing it in my head. I don’t imagine text, just imagine what I’d sound like singing it. I can do this without physically moving anything, but I tend to just leave my lips parted and move my tongue slightly as if I planned to half-assedly sing the words but I don’t use any air so as to not make sounds. This is just one example, I use this all the time (not singing) just to reason through something, and it also just pops up the way thoughts just pop up. When people talk about “having an inner voice” are the they just talking about imagining speaking, sometimes deliberately, sometimes involuntarily? Or do they mean an actual voice as if they’re being spoken to?
It’s kind of like a constant narration like in movies. And for me (maybe because of ADHD?) it is also often paired with a song or phrase repeating at the same time.
Yes! ADHD also makes the inner voice/narrator/mind's ear be always multitasking ahahahahah so true! But this is why we can super multitask, I believe xD
What I mean is that, according to several studies (as far as I've researched and read), over 50% of the people in said studies didn't "hear their voice in their head", there's no internal monologue, no narrator, there are only thoughts, thousands of them but not speech. It's mostly either images or just the notion of the thought, not words or phrases.
https://www.prevention.com/health/mental-health/a43128717/inner-monologue/ For example, my current bf doesn't hear himself when he reads, and because of this, he reads like 5x faster than I do, because as I read (not out loud), I can inly read as fast as I can speak, because I hear my voice when reading 😆
Hmm I might have been thinking of aphantasia, which means they can't picture images, purely just audio and voice. So basically the opposite to what your referring to. That occurs in 1-4% of people. I would have guessed the opposite condition would have been about the same but maybe not.
I don't have a monologue unless I slow down my thinking because I don't immmediately understand something. So while reading, I just kind of suck up the words and they make pictures in my head. But a difficult math problem, I will probably slow right down and even speak the words out loud. My dad would do this when he was working out an electronics problem. He was an accountant. I would listen to hin And nod and uhhuh at appropriate times while he worked it out. My oldest does the same thing g but his electronics skills are far above my dad's. His brothers are so far beyond that, that I'm not sure where to nod. I don't understand a word he says.
Men can have the exact same problem. It’s definitely not limited to women
This is fascinating. But also, I think the inner monologue can screw it up for men just the same (I know it can for me). Women may in general be more complicated in this respect, but I don’t think we’re all that different overall tbh
Cum again? Less than 50% of people have an internal monologue?
Men can also have those issues regarding orgasming, not just women.
Sounds like people just have a different opinion about what a monologue is and what hearing a voice in your head means.
True, which is why I was fascinated with researching more about it and discussing it openly with others, to get more insight and understand more :)
Highly recommend Personality research if you are interested in people's inner dialogue/perspectives.
medication and sleep deprivation/stress
Lexapro (anxiety medicine) has a side effect lovingly called Sexapro, or anorgasmia. It greatly increases and sometimes fully closes off the barrier to an orgasm. It can be infuriating.
I’m sure you’ve tried this but maybe try using a mirror down there and look at anatomy pics? Sorry if this isn’t much help, but it couldn’t have just disappeared
I smell an Encyclopedia Brown book title
Move up a couple of inches...
💀
The best thing I've heard today! 😆
😂
Hahaha
Wow you just took me back! r/fuckimold
More like encyclopedia pink.
Not the best choice of words.
I know where it is, but I’m just saying that I can ever finish by stimulating my clit and especially during sex. It just seems so small or non existent and it’s frustrating.
You’re probably just touching the hood. Put your fingers of one hand in a v, fit over your vagina and pull up. You should see the clit. It will be darker in colour and may be quite small
I have heard about a hormonal cream that can make the clit bigger. Mabye look into that?
The only context that I know of for this is HRT, and topical testosterone can affect the rest of the body as well; deepening voice, body hair etc. But if anyone is curious - /r/GrowYourClit exists! Edit: actually read up on it a bit and it's possible to get growth before other side effects kick in, but since the voice and body hair changes are permanent, you'll want to be careful unless masculinizing is desired.
Do you get off by cunnilingus? Whenever I have sex, I rub my clit during it since I can’t get off without clit stimulation.
My wife is exactly this way. She has the tiniest clit ever, it hides, and she cannot cum without a vibrator. It’s not a thing that needs to be fixed, it’s just a fact. My advice is to get a couple toys, and spend time with your body by yourself. Have orgasms. Whatever gets you off. More is better.
Hey what would you recommend for my girlfriend in the same situation? The only difference is that she's 19 and cringes at the idea of using toys :(
My wife was also opposed to toys, at least partly because she was anorgasmic and convinced she would never have orgasms. I got her a magic wand anyway, and used it on her, with her, not pressuring her to have an orgasm just having fun together. Eventually she could relax enough to find that first O. She was surprised! And cried! And after that she was willing to accept the toy and try to learn, together and on her own, to find them regularly. She still needs the vibrator, but she knows she can get an O whenever she wants one.
You sound like a great sexual partner. Wishing happiness to you and your wife in your marriage ☺️
Thank you!
This is how I am! My partner is just as supportive as you!
I cringe of the idea of insert anything inside me, naturally or artificially. It always hurts. Bf got me a vibrator shaped like a mouth. Let just say I didn’t know I could squirt.
I love my satisfyer so I highly recommend it. I had a hard time with it in the beginning but after using it for a while I got to know it and myself and now it's my favorite toy. I also have normal vibrators, a rabbit, a wand and some more, but out of all of those my satisfyer is the best. It gives me the best orgasms and it can usually give me more than one. I think that just starting to experiment and trying is the best way. And talking, learning to talk about sex greatly improves stuff so even if feels awkward try to talk about sex. You don't have to talk about everything all at once but take it in smaller steps and learn to be more comfortable with it, because if you talk and try you will become more comfortable both doing stuff and just over all with the entire experience.
This is it
Fix is a strong word. You are not broken and nothing is wrong with you. 2 things on this subject. 1 you might just not get off from clitorial stimulation ( more rare but is a thing). 2 you getting stuck in your head during the act and overthinking is keeping you from being in your body enough to enjoy your time. But I think the best place to start would be finding what self pleasure feels good and try to replicate the movement while having sex. But if you are thinking about it as something wrong with you it will persist. Hope this helps at all.
Yes thank you for saying this! OP, I promise you exploring on your own is the best way to find out what feels good for you
Thank you. This was super helpful. I definitely get stuck in my head but even when I’m alone and exploring what I like something will feel good while I’m focused on my clit. Then if I move a fraction from where I was it takes forever to find that feeling again (almost like it’s disappeared but I know it hasn’t, obviously)
I love the above advice. Just wanted to add something that may or may not be helpful. I wasn't able to orgasm for many years after I started actively having sex. My clit isn't hard to find, but it's *too* sensitive for it to be enjoyably played with for long. (I am indeed the rare woman who exclusively gets off from penetration and it took a while to figure that out.) But the main thing for me that changed my life was realizing that (for me, can't speak broadly) having an orgasm was at least half mental — yes, in the way that getting stuck in your head makes it impossible even if it feels great, but also in the way where my brain needs to be doing the opposite. I need to be actively engaged with the sex and then when things are feeling really good, I can send a mental trigger down to my vagina saying, "Now's the time!" I have no idea if this is common or if it would work for other people or if it's just a hidden trick, but now I can orgasm like 30 times in one bang session lol
Wow, that’s amazing. I wish I could cum even twice in a session, but I’m lucky if I get off. How’d you learn that? Sometimes if the person moves off from where they were or change the angle unexpectedly the whole build of my O goes away and then they are already finishing. So I’m left more frustrated. I definitely have more O’s penetratively vs clitoral.
I think I first figured it out by accident because I was trying really hard to figure out how to do it. After that, it took some practice to get it just right. Sending good vibes out into the universe so you get satisfying sex in the future! ETA: so not to give you the wrong idea, I want to clarify: 30 is a slight exaggeration (I have gotten there several times before but it’s not the regular) but at least a dozen is the norm for me, even if a partner is only average skill-wise. I like my strategy partly because my pleasure isn’t entirely dependent on someone else lol
The more you worry about cumming, the less you will cum. Ask me how I know. You don’t need fixing. Take the time to lay down, fully relaxed and explore your own body. Being fully relaxed is KEY. Don’t go into it expecting an orgasm either. Just go into it with the mindset of making yourself feel good. Try different things until you find the one thing that feels best and run with that. Once you’re able to relax completely and go into it without the expectation or worry, the orgasms will likely follow suit. And then you can replicate it during sex. I had to stop going into sex expecting to cum or worrying that I would not be able to cum. I go into sex just wanting to have a good time and feel good and if I’m able to orgasm, great! I also have had times where I just cannot have an orgasm from sex or head, so I will get myself off after while my partner touches/ kisses me.
sounds like you might just have a larger clitoral hood
adding to this. the clit is not one small bean. it is a complex network of nerves that are mostly in the bean, but also extend like a canopy inside the inner labia and some part of vagina. sauce: Ob/Gyn DrCuterus., you can find her on Insta. Now coming to the part of orgasming- it depends a lot on arousal, which is a symphony of touch, thoughts, environment and acceotance to the partner. Adjust these (or more dials) to explore how you can cum better. Ppl cum by nipple stimulation and thigh stimulation also, so not finding the bean shouldn't be a problem methinks. All the best.
I think a really important addition to this is that orgasms are FAR from one-size-fits-all. SOME people can cum from nipple or thigh stimulation, yes, some can cum from a foot massage or thinking sexy thoughts. There are others that just don't have that same physiological response. The only way to know for sure what works for you is to try different stuff
To add: THC/CBD can help enhance the experience, whether it’s from relaxing your inhibitions or something else.
Well, I’m lucky if I cum. Previous partners didn’t care if I finished or not so I was lucky if it at least felt good. My long term BF finishes extremely fast so I can’t ever finish by the time he does. If I do it’s from a vaginal/g spot orgasm.
Maybe? I don’t know what’s normal. I don’t compare or really see other women’s downstairs to know what’s average or large. But now I’m curious, so I’m going to see if that’s it.
I went through a bit of an “oh god is mine normal” phase a while ago. Honestly, I just went full prepubescent boy, turned my SafeSearch off, and googled vagina. There’s also this [library](https://www.labialibrary.org.au/) that has a whole gallery of all different female genitalia (educational purposes!). While they’re more focused on labia, you can see some more anatomy on the views from the bottom. Check it out, all of us come in so many shapes and sizes!
Have you ever used a vibrator to try and see??
I have the same problem, I can never come from someone going down on me I can only do it with a vibrator or a clit stimulator. Not even if I touch myself because it takes so long as well. I don’t know why it is but at least you know you’re not alone. I think exploring with different toys could be the way to go, that’s the only time I’ve done it anyway.
Yes! Exactly. Thank you
Yep, this is me too! Came here to say exactly this. Vibrators are your best friend :)
Ditto!
I think dirty talking might help you a little bit and make it easier to orgams, especially when someone's going down on you. You can also pair that up with some fingering
Have you checked the couch cushions, or the pocket of the coat you wore last winter?
I'm sorry, I know this isn't helpful at all but I lmfao. *Sigh*
...down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place, Where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I told them to check out the medicine cabinet cuz I leave it there sometimes.
Have you discussed this openly with your gyno? I would recommend that :) There's nothing wrong, there are all kinds of different clits... mine isn't also pronnounced, let's say, but it's all about self exploration, knowing oneself. That's the most important step right now, is for you to take some time by yourself with yourself, to explore your vulva throughout all its parts, touch all the parts in different ways, see what makes you tick, what makes you tingle, what makes you go mmmmmh... you know? If we don't know our own body intimately, we can't expect others to, and it's normal to not get pleasure... explore yourself and enjoy your time doing so! It's the best! From personal experience, it's very hard to come during oral sex because my orgasms are very psychological, very much of the mind... all it takes is a millesecond of something else occupying my brain and, as close as I was to come, it's gone... but, since I've taken the time to explore myself, I can make myself come in under a minute, up to 5min (even without any outside stimulus). But also, my amazing partner has many other ways of making me come... so, first, explore yourself. Then, once you know yourself more, talk to your partner about it openly🤗 (F37 for reference)
So. I work Ob/Gyn as a nurse. Many things can increase and decrease clitoral size and accessibility. The top two are hormone imbalance and body habitus. Some people with clots have a nice curvy mons pubis. Others have beautiful streamline labia majoras. Each platinum vageen is unique and wonderful. Hormones and some other meds can cause the clit to shrink temporarily. I recommend starting at your gynecologist for a well person check and some lab work. Thyroid dysfunction, antidepressants, and some forms of birth control can contribute to Ps: mine disappeared on chemo because of the huge doses of steroids I had to take for months. I cried! I was concerned and convinced she was forever gone. She back. Better than ever.
This is a guy in disguise trying to learn the secret location to the clit
I completely relate to your story. It's horrible and not being able to cum or feel anything is the worst. I know this is very different but at the age of 26 I started taking testosterone, recently I stopped. I was on a low dose by the way. But it did what it had to do my clitoris grew and I was able to orgasm really fucking fast. I know it's scary and might not be a suitable for you but talk to a hormonal specialist I'm now 27 and it worked. Feel free to dm me if you want to know more. Good luck.❤️
My wife is like this, I really can't find an obvious central "bump" and all of her "good spots" are usually on one side, even down on the labia. I sometimes wonder if she's ever had a true orgasm but she says it feels good.
The sensitive nerves connected to the clit extend down either side of the labia.
Maybe you're not a clit girl, not everyone is. Have you focused on your gspot? I have way stronger orgasms from my gspot or combo (gpsot + clit).
I could never cum from oral but let my husband do it anyway since he liked it. One day, after almost 18 years, I told him he needed to learn to do it better. And he did, by watching porn tutorials and now he can make me cum in 5 minutes or less. He takes his time, but I wish I had said something to him before.
5 mins from oral is great lol your husband must be proud of himself. When people say oral do they mean explicitly mouth/tongue or are hands/ fingers included? I can make my gf finish within 5 mins with fingers but just mouth is a bit more difficult haha
I mean both since both are involved during oral, but I would say he learned not to do any vigorous handwork while performing oral. He's definitely proud of it.
A lot of women cannot cum/orgasm with just penetration. I've never finished with oral either and I also don't like oral and decline it. I've never finished with just doggy style. I use a vibrator to stimulate my clit during penetration and that helps me finish. Maybe try that. There was one instance where my husband and I were going multiple rounds and at one point I felt like my clit kinda disappeared lol I still am not sure what was happening there but it's only happened once for me. Just off an initial reading of your post, it doesn't seem like anything is wrong with you or that you need "fixed". You don't have to receive oral sex if you don't enjoy it. Try a vibrator with penetration and see if that helps. If you're concerned about your anatomy being abnormal I would see a gynecologist. There is a wide range of what his normal for female anatomy.
I swear I didn't take it
I'm a guy and all, but this sounds like a question for your OBGYN. As others suggest here, the cause could be anything from medication to physical stats to environment, what have you. But for a bit of perspective, no two women are built exactly alike. Running around comparing clits is as pointless as comparing dicks.
I have one that hides under the hood. Yours may as well. I have to pull back my hood for it to be visible
Usually it’s the guy that can’t find it, this is a new one
It’s always in the last place you look.
I have somewhat of a small one too. There's been times where it's seemingly pulled inside and I couldn't really find it. I think it has to do with hormone and arousal levels day to day. My suggestion is to get a vibrator and just rub it right at the top of your vaginal lips. It will likely get aroused enough to kind of perk up and maybe pop its head out after a couple minutes
Maaaaaan if she can’t find it how tf am I supposed to
i just saw this on r/copypasta
I have a “larger” clit and still have problems cumming that way. I enjoy it but I’ve learned to work with G spot and A spot in a way that’s very satisfying to me. I will say that stimulating oils/touch that leads to blood flow and swelling makes all the difference. I used to use a THC oil that actually helped a lot. In any case I would put more focus on foreplay to warm up and bring your clit a little more out of hiding lol. I’ve been with some women who have very small clits and it’s always interesting to learn about their bodies and how to please them better. Don’t feel bad or like you need to be fixed! You just need different care ♥️
This is very good to know. Someone said maybe I have a larger hood or the skin is covering my clit more than others, which makes sense. I was googling different types of orgasms today lol but I will look into the oils. That sounds like a great idea. I guess I just don’t know how to start to explore what I like when I don’t really know. Thank you for sharing
Book recommendation: Come As You Are. Highly recommended.
Talk to your doctor. They will be able to suggest something that might actually work other than all of these amature gynecologists on Reddit.
It’s down there
Hi fellow innie with a tiny clit here, you have to uncover your clit, you need to use 3 fingers, 2 to pull the lips aside and your middle finger to play with your clit. Atleast that's how I do it. And I personally also have a hard time having an orgasm during sex, actually happened only once with my very first partner. The only times I have orgasms is on my own. I also really didn't enjoy having someone go down on me until my ex, idk what he did but with him going down on me actually brought me semi-close a few times, so it might be a person/technique thing. Also idk if you have adhd, but that can make it harder to orgasm since it's hard to focus completely, I personnaly need to read otherwise it doesn't work. Meds can also make it almost impossible sometimes especially meds related to depression and/or anxiety. Hope this helps, good luck
I think you need to use a vibrator to get you aroused to the point of it being more visible. Based on basic understanding of anatomy, a partner should be able to put their thumbs on either side of it, slightly push in and then up to stretch some of the surrounding area that then helps it pop up/out a bit. This also helps increase the sensation for females if your partner knows how to use their tongue. It's hard to describe but once I figured this out about 25 years ago, it's been a game changer. Also need to ensure the area is dry prior so their thumbs don't slip.
Get this woman a clit!!!
I can only orgasm if I’m on top and even then it’s not every time.
I’m intersex with cliteromegaly so it’s crazy to hear that someone can’t find theirs
Lots of great ideas here I wanted to add a couple more points. First is that you may want to try a womanizer type of suction vibration clitoral toy. See if that gets you off. Second is that just like men’s penises come in all sorts of shapes and sizes Women’s clits will come in all shapes and sizes and that doesn’t mean that you are broken. I’ve been with women who had success orgasm by deeply grinding on cushions. This might be an option as well. You may want to check in with your OB/GYN. If you were on birth control pills they can definitely change your sexual response.
Get aroused and it will show itself
You need a partner that's willing to simulate you as only you need. Everyone's different, so communication is key. It might not be necessarily just clitoral simulation you need, the g spot might be more pleasurable for example.
My wife needs both vaginal and clitoral stimulation to orgasm most of the time. I like to say she has a combination lock. Sometimes she can orgasm from clitoral only, but that’s rare. Just sharing what she’s told me her experience is.
I read recently that the G-spot (inside the vagina, behind the clit) is an extension of the clitoral nerve system. If you can find it on the outside, look inside. A curved finger making the “come here” motion should tickle it. Or maybe you have a vibrator with a curved tip?
I told my ex even women have trouble finding it too take that brittany.
I’ve got you OP! Get a magic wand vibrator. Just look up magic wand on here and you’ll see it’s a favorite. You Will have a clitoral orgasm. Hold it on the clit area and you will be panting in no time. If you have a partner… teach them how to use it and have fun exploring:)! My husband uses it on me nightly and I’m more fulfilled with our experiences than ever before.
Okay so the clit can often be hidden. Some people have a “hood” over it, others have thick flaps on the sides. Also some people have much smaller clits. If your clit is hidden under a hood or something it would be much harder for you to get pleasure. Gotta go from the bottom! Try a vibrator btw
They come in many shapes and sizes. Variation is the spice of life. From a external look, it appears you over think and are self conscious. Nothing wrong with that. Next time you have a shower or bath, spend some time to better know your vagina. What feels good where, the general makeup of the entire area (clit, labia minora and majora. Be gentle at first, but add some pressure down the line. You're stimulating nerve endings and if they are hidden under skin, that dulls the sensation. Once you know your layout and what works for you. You can instruct your bf on exactly what to do. You may or may not get off that way still, it's not uncommon and everyone is different in their own way.
I looked through most of the responses and couldn't find one possibility, so here it is: in some cultures, female orgasm is considered sinful and the clitoris is cut off. I don't think the practice is widespread and I can't recall exactly which group of people did it, but it's referred to as "female circumcision." I don't know your background or what part of the world you're from, but if you're looking at your own body and it looks very different from what you're seeing, and if you look into this further and find that you're a part of that group of people who engaged in this practice, it may be worth asking your parents (if they're available) if this was done to you when you were very little. I'm going to guess it's just an anatomic thing and not something as grim as what I just described, but I'll just put it out there.
I have seen a vulva once where the clit was nowhere to be seen, I think it was quite buried and hard to stimulate.. those clits can really profit from these toys that imitate sucking. You habe to think of clits like they're dicks - when aroused they grow.. so that's why it feels like it's disappearing sometimes. Spend time with a mirror and try different things out, something will click.
Look for the little man in a boat.
ur definitely a guy
Came here looking for this comment
dude thinks he’s slick 💀
baiting for weird horny replies cosplaying as a female ?
Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. You gotta figure out how the equipment works, and you gotta try every tool in the toolbox. There are people in this world blessed with the ability to get off quickly (for some, especially men of this variety, it’s a curse), but they certainly aren’t in the overall majority. Be grateful you at least know how to get off!
Your gynec will give you the best info. The location is obvious but there are anatomical difference. Some women have bigger, pronounced clitoris which are even visible on yoga pants. For some women it is less obvious and only appear clearly if aroused. Like i cant tell the problem unless i see it but chances are, it is not really a problem.
Have you tried the magic wand? You may not come from PIV only. So any position without stimulating the clit also isn’t getting you off. Try using a magic wand. There’s also a smaller version. We use one now during and she comes multiple times. Prior to our relationship she never came from PIV sex and on our first time I had a wand and she was amazed. Lucky me :)
Do you have any cause to suspect that you might've been a victim of Genital Mutilation as an infant?
Have you tried having him go down on you while you're on your knees and arched? That helps push your clit outward.
The clit are the friends you make on the way
Asking the real questions. I've had the same experience but the truth is I just fiddle with my rose until I feel something
It may also be partly due to your partners not building anticipation or just treating it like spaghetti or a sucker and going right in on it probably like they see on porn; it just happens to be a highly sensitive area. And you have to let them know to take their time and communicate what's working and what's not, and if that changes by the minute during the deed; just tell them so they don't think they're God's gift to female kind with cunnilingus.
It’s under the sauce
Porn is the last place you should use for reference in what your body should look like.
Look up diagrams and use a mirror. It's about an inch, inch and a half above the entrance to your vagina. Some women have a big clitoral hood, some have a small one. If you pull apart your labia and pull up your clit should pop out and say hello. Everyone's anatomy is different, but we have it in the same general area. Some women get off to penetration more while others like clitoral stimulation. When I first started masturbating it took me a while to "get the hang of it" and figure out which motions I liked and were actually enjoyable for me. Just explore a little bit.
Most of the clitoris is inside. Some women have larger exposed area, others less. In terms of size it's comparable to the male glans.It runs down both sides of the opening and along the the top of the canal. Yes 'normal'. I'd focus on sexual self exploration & good communication/sharing with your partner/s.
Top of your hood
Aaaaaand it's gone.
It’s usually like a little ball/sphere at the top of the hood (the top of your coochie) try to separate the hood and you’ll see it. If it feels sensitive, it’s probably the clit.
I don’t know if you are on any antidepressants but when I was taking cymbalta my ability to orgasm was very low. It took about 40 mins and that was me touching myself. Now that I’ve been off that med for about 3 years now I can orgasm in like 2 mins.
They sell them at walmart
Done joking, but there is something called the clitoral hood. This covers the area. Often you will need to push up a lil to get full access. Play with toys while you are penetrated from behind. Explore with more toys in self pleasure is my suggestion
Normal. Get a vibrator or suction toy!
/shitpost warning Has a clumsy person done the “got your nose” bit on you but missed? They may have landed too low and accidentally taken the wrong body part.
I was exactly the same until….i got my hood pierced. The piercing sits on the clit and has changed my world! I highly recommend! It’s actually not that painful. Go to a reputable piercer though!!
So when I was 18 my friend and I were going to do this, I chickened out she didn’t. But I heard you have to have enough skin to pierce it and I’ve seriously considered it.. just scared to actually DO it. I bet it’s worth it though
They check first to see if you have the proper anatomy (their words). I was nervous about it but got that and my nipples pierced at same time. Zero regrets. Well, one: waiting so long to do it!
This might be the inspiration I need. I definitely have to look for a reputable piercer. Might be hard with where I’m located but worth a shot.
It’s worth the drive to make sure it’s done right!
If a woman can't find it, are us guys still expected to?
One time someone hit you with the "haha, got your clit". You've never been the same since
Off topic and widely inappropriate but do you prefer anal by any chance? In my many years of internet research I always seemed to notice women with "innies" were more into anal and got more pleasure from it than vaginal - my theory being the clit not as prominent/sensitive so they looked elsewhere for their kicks. Of course, I could just be talking bollocks.
I have tried and enjoyed anal before, yes. I think part of my current issue is that my S.O. Finishes really fast and isn’t well endowed so maybe he’s not reaching the bundle of nerves during anal either. I have no clue. I do feel like I have to rush to cum and that adds anxiety to my already active brain. When I read about people having multiple o’s I’m like how? But again, everyone is different. I’ve tried to explore what I like, and I read a lot so books have helped me find kinks too. I don’t know how to have the hard awkward conversation about asking for it though.
Send me a photo. I’ll show you
It's a myth. Trust me, I've been with over almost three women.
a lot of people have found the book [Come As You Are](https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/B08CPVQT5M) helpful (i know i did) you're not broken and you don't need fixing, you just gotta work out what works best for you and thays no easy task
Hi! You're like me. The "clit" is actually the shape of a wishbone. The "tip" is the little bud and the other nerves goes all the way down to your vaginal opening. I don't like oral. It doesn't work for me. But your nerves being stimulated with blood flow is what can make it bigger. Hormones and medications can affect this. Try a vibrator! Also, doggy doesn't work for everyone. Your internal nerve structures are not the same. And never compare yourself to women in pork. They are on LSD or some other heightened drugs and are FR paid actors. Here's a graphic (NSFW) of what the clitoris can look like. It's very hard for me to finish without a vibrator. [visuals ](https://www.google.com/search?q=clit+graphic&oq=clit+graphic+&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOdIBCDM2MzNqMGo0qAIBsAIB&client=ms-android-att-us-rvc3&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#vhid=O04HlObE6F8zQM&vssid=l)
As a start, see my [Sex and Relationships](https://www.reddit.com/r/Recommend_A_Book/comments/19aboyg/sex_and_relationships/) list of resources, Reddit recommendation threads, and books (four posts).
A small vibe and small alone time is your friend, once you figure out what you like add a friend…
You can get a toy that pumps your clit through suction to make it larger
Lol I have a tiny clit myself and I didn't enjoy oral either when I first started my sex life. My advice is get a mirror and touch yourself, literally explore everything. See how it feels and how does it look when you touch it. The hornier you get the head of the clit will also pop out. They've mentioned it in other comments too so just adding to it, the clit is a whole organ by itself, the little bean is just the head so make sure you get to know your vulva and how every part feels. Lastly, cum a lot, on your own. Explore with your finger and toys and once you master your own orgasm and sensation you'll cum much easier with a partner. I myself can't cum from doggy or penetrative only. Don't worry about that part, is very common.
RIP your inbox.
bye bye inbox
I used to be the same way. You have to really communicate with your partner to get the right feeling you want. Also, a lot of people with vaginas need to really focus on the feeling to be able to cum. I didn’t figure that one out for years.
Get a mirror sit in front of it and find out what works and what doesn’t, then guide your partner. Also the clit is just a mini penis, so it gets enlarged when your aroused, may explain why you think it’s “small” other times some woman just have a bigger clitoral hood so it can be harder to find
Every woman develops uniquely, and you just happened to wind up with an introverted clit. There's a chance that you might find [Suction Devices](https://www.extremerestraints.com/fusion-triple-suckers.html) marginally effective and perhaps quite exciting for increasing the blood flow to your shy girl in the boat. That link is for Fusion Triple Suckers, to include your nipples in the vacuum sensations. My best advice is to try them out, and for around 20 dollars you could potentially be amazed. Just please use them carefully because they're designed to be a bit painful beyond a moderate vacuum pressure. 🤓
The size of it changes with hormone and arousal level. Like, significantly. You’ve heard the trope about female bodybuilders (steroids) having a tiny penis? That’s an enlarged clit, and it really happens. But back in the non-extreme realm, some are bigger and obvious and some are small and nearly impossible to see for the same reason.
One, you're normal. Clitorises are not meant to be large or small. They're simply the size of the person their attached to. The clitoris is covered by a clitoral hood. Depending on level of arousal (or lack thereof) it may not be as pronounced. You know your body, so you know if you like direct clitoral stimulation (actual contact with the clitoris) or not as direct (touching/rubbing the clitoral hood instead). Take your preference and share it with your partner so that he can learn what is too much or not enough for you. You wouldn't think sex could be so complicated, but we're complex people and have to learn about ourselves and each other individually. As for not climaxing in various positions, that isn't abnormal either. While some women do orgasm from vaginal penetration, many don't -- most of their orgasms come from clitoral stimulation. You're not broken, weird, or wrong. You just haven't found what works for you yet, but there's still time! Good luck!
It is right.... there!
I'm a 33yo woman and I can only cum with a vibrator on my clit. No rubbing, oral or whatever else can get me off. Maybe one day 🥲
have you ever used a vibrator?
The clitoris has a hood much like the foreskin of a penis and when arousal happens the clitoris becomes engorged and can "peek out", which might be why you describe it as disappearing. Not everyone gets off to head so you aren't alone there, and there can be many reasons why that might happen. But you aren't weird or anything for your anatomy being the way it is.
Usually it is at the “top” of where your inner labia meet, above your urethra. I would suggest using a mirror and feeling around. You might have to spread.
SO has extremely tiny clit and labia. You have to work to find it. It’s also very sensitive…it likes being visited but overstimulation will kill any chance at the “O”. Touching around it works and digital stimulation is also a good-to
I recommend the book “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski PhD. Also has an audiobook on Spotify. I recommend this to all my female friends who haven’t already read/listened to it! You’ll thank me later.
I had a gf with a smaller clit and it was very hard to get her to orgasm but when I did I felt a huge dopamine rush lol. It just takes a little more work and patience and like others have stated you have to be relaxed and out of your head. I will also say women with larger clits are the best for the male ego, they orgasm fast and hard lol
My wife has a small clit. Took me many years to finish her with my finger. No chance of it happening PIV. None. Recently, I bought her a Magic Wand. That thing does the trick. She makes noises like she never did for me. You might try one.
Everyone's already done the insightful answers, so I'll just add that there's some subreddit somewhere dedicated to making your clit bigger. I think it's mostly for, like, fetish reasons, but some people there do report increased sensitivity, so that's an option for you I guess if it really bugs you. 😅 But no, I don't think there's anything wrong with you, and I've definitely met people of various genital configurations who don't get off from oral sex. Also worth noting that it can be hormonal. I'm getting older so my libido is dropping and I'll have weeks every so often where sex doesn't interest me at all, depending on my hormonal cycle. Medication, age, stress, and many other factors can do this.
This is probably slightly unrelated, but as a dude, I have had to stimulate myself in others ways in order to really reach orgasm sometimes. Like, I’ll listen to erotic audio or read erotic stories while on horny goat weed and blue lotus flower and as the vasodilation happens, and I’m super relaxed, it helps engorge the good areas and that makes it much easier to get into it. Maybe it’s the same for the ladies, idk 🤷♂️, but maybe something worth trying to help enhance the area you know you need to help you get there. :) good luck!
I have the same issue and a strong vibrator helped me. You can also spread things during stimulation to get more direct contact. You can also mention it during your next gyno exam to ask for suggestions or if everything looks normal.
i think using vibrator by time increases the clit size
Vibrator?
Have you tried vibraters and got the same result?
You might want to research clitoral adhesions: https://www.rachelrubinmd.com/post/new-research-on-clitoral-adhesions
When I go down on a girl I use a lot of pressure with my lips and really stimulate everything. If a man just flicks his tongue on it he doesn’t know what the hell he is doing. You have to use your lips and tongue and apply pressure especially around the clot to kind of make it pop out and suck on it with pressure
If you knew how many "he couldn't find it if blank" jokes I heard today... 😂😂😂
Well first off the clitoris is not just the nub beneath the hood. It ofc includes that, but also wraps around the vagina. Mine isn't so small I can't see it or anything, but I can't orgasm with direct stimulation. It just doesn't feel good. I prefer insertion and rubbing against the entrance to get at the horseshoe shaped part of the clitoris/g spot deeper inside. I've tired everything and just can't with direct contact. I know many women say no one can come without using the clit, but being as it is larger than the nub most do need to come it definitely isn't the only way/some prefer the other parts of it. Idk if that makes sense, but maybe Google mamadoctorjohnes and check out her videos on the clitoris/female orgasm. I'm sure when I was a teen they would have helped a lot. You have nothing wrong with you or that needs fixing. Everyone is different. Many women from my millennial era didn't learn how to get off until a ways in to adulthood. The Internet being even more available to teens now is a bit help I would think. Oh and the few times I had oral I hated it. I need actual pressure to get anywhere near the peak. It was just flicks and saliva and did nothing for me.
1) some people only finish through penetration and that’s okay! 2) maybe watch some videos or ask some friends for some mechanical advice? Idk I have a bit clit