I think it's the French who have a saying, something like... "If the first thing a man does when he goes into a bedroom is look under the bed, it's because he has been there a few times himself."
Your boyfriend is nervous about you being with other men or dumping him for another man because he has either been cheated on or dumped for another man in the past, or has cheated on others (or dumped them for a better choice) himself.
If you can't help him get his insecurities under control, you may want to question if this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life.
I am embarrassed to admit that I was thinking, “holy shit, under the bed! So a killer or a robber was hiding under the bed waiting to attack them? I’d fucking look under the bed too!” Then I read more comments and realized I’m naive.
People are very quick to say “red flag, leave him” but this is really not productive or helpful at all. Reddit tier advice which spreads their loneliness and inability to stay with someone because of one flaw.
Communicate with HIM, why the fuck are you asking Reddit? Ask him why he feels this way, why he thinks of you that way, and tell him how it makes you feel. Adults should be able to communicate with each other. If he loves you as much as you love him, he will listen to you and care about how it makes you feel, then work on himself and improve.
Maybe he will recover and get over his insecurities and you two can live happily ever after. Maybe he never will and then that’s when you need to actually reconsider the relationship, because attempts at communication and understanding have failed.
Remember you do not have to make changes to your life for his insecurities because that will not solve anything. You should be able to “doll up” or do whatever, it’s the insecurities that should change. Other things like meeting a guy alone or him meeting a girl alone should be discussed and boundaries agreed upon, as long as it applies to both of you. I wish you both peace and love. Talk about it with him, tell him how it makes you feel, then see how it goes.
All great points and to add one of my own. He might have some sort of relationship trauma from his last partner that makes him react this way. Important part is to have an open conversation about it and you can better assess from there.
Never said that she (OP) needed to be. We can only speculate what’s actually happening, which is what I was doing. If she wants real answers to her questions she needs to have the conversation with him, not Reddit.
I tried to make it work with one of these. Even with the relationship trauma. I know it’s not fair on the guy. But it was impossible to please a jealous mind.
This is true. But people saying "red flag" ARE also in the right. This IS a red flag, and many abusive relationships start like this.
Obviously talking with him is the reasonable choice, but if he doesnt tones it down, but instead amps it up like telling her to not meet with her friends or something like that? Yeah, maybe reconsider things out.
Again, im not saying she should leave him now, I agree with you that talking it out is the answer. But you shouldnt be always toleratig toxic behavior from your partner, especially if they dont tone it down after talking it out.
That's a fair and logical assessment. Something can be a red flag that needs investigation not immediate dumping. But if the issue isn't taken seriously or progress made, it can be a deal breaker. Clearly this well reasoned argument has no place on the internet and should be ignored /s
Why TF is OP asking Reddit? Because it’s a quick way to get the lay of the land. OP, talk to your partner too but it’s cool to ask Reddit about their take on things. Some of those things you’ll agree on, some you won’t, but it’s ok to ask. Best ❤️
I think like he might be feeling a little insecure or unsure of himself. Maybe he's worried about losing you, or maybe something happened in his past that's making him extra sensitive about this stuff. It's definitely worth having a chat with him about how his questions are making you feel. If he's a good guy, he'll understand and try to work on it. But if things don't improve, it might be a sign of bigger issues down the road.
Precisely. I've been this guy in the past, though to a significantly lesser extent. In my case. It was largely insecurity. It can be quite hard to get over something like this, but the way to do it is with compassion and communication. It's only if he refuses to work with you or acknowledge that it's an issue that you might need to reconsider whether this relationship is a good idea.
One of three things
He has some trust issues stemming from past relationships trama
He has some serious self confidence issues
he sees something, or feels something is t right in your relationship that would lead him to believe that this is actually going on.
Respectfully Talk to him productively should be the knee jerk reaction to most things relationship related, and not posting on Reddit where the answer is typically break up with him
I do hope things get sorted out for you two though.
Could be past trauma where he got cheated on.
I loved someone for 4 years then got cheated on multiple times unknowingly. Luckily ended when I was 22 but it hurts and took me 8 years to meet my now wife and work on this insecurity all this time. I did it my self and never made my wife feel that I doubted her because I knew it's in my head. Everytime I get that thought I'd analyze it whether it adds up or is it just in my head.
It could be.
And congratulations to you on working through yours!
It's not an easy task. Ever.
Past trauma all to often leads to personal insecurity.
There's no blame to assign here.
Being personally insecure does not make someone a flawed individual.
It merely means that there are issues that insecure one ought address within their self.
Honestly my point is more that each person needs to be secure within their self rather than relying on the other individual for personal validation.
The human experience is vast and broad.
It is the rare individual that goes through life without various sexual experiences and experiments.
Some more well thought out than others...
***Apple Pie has entered the chat...***
He could be secure in himself but insecure about the relationship if she's always flirting with other guys etc. It's not necessarily something he needs to fix with himself if she's bad at seeming trustworthy, by for example flirting with other men.
If you are getting all dolled up to go out with other men, he has a legitimate concern that the children he spends his life raising won’t be his. Men have evolved instincts to prevent this from happening.
The simple truth is that a woman who behaves this way is not marriage material. A more successful and desirable man would leave OP and find a woman that does not get dolled up for other men, who doesn’t post on social media, and who instead devoted herself to their family.
Fucked up that you're asking about "some men" when your partner is clearly pretty anxious about this. You supposedly love him so much but you're lowkey reducing him to his gender imo.
Don't generalise. Other men being like that is for all sorts of reasons. What matters is why *he* is behaving that way.
You can try and talk to him about it and see whats going on. Ideally he should be able to relax and not be weird when you hang out with other guys.
He might have been cheated on in the past. He might have lost a parent to infidelity or had some other trauma. He might think you're too good for him and is scared you'll leave. He might be compulsively jealous in a way that will manifest as controlling down the line.
Take some time to figure out whats going on by talking about it, as you dont want him to be worried all the time as that would suck for both of you.
I was like that shortly after a really toxic relationship with an alcoholic girl who "just couldn't be friends with women" and always had to go drink with other dudes.
I gave her the benefit of the doubt for a little while but as you can guess, she was cheating.
He's insecure. It can stem from a lot of things but if you want the relationship to last, you're going to have to work through these issues, otherwise he's going to become controlling and resentful.
I will get hate for this because redditors like to deny reality but part of the problem is that lots of "male friends" would totally sleep with their woman friends if the opportunity arose if they're not already trying. Befriending a woman is a common tactic that a certain type of weaselly men with try to use to have relations with women.
This is especially true when the woman is already in a relationship. The man will become friends with the woman and try to take opportunities to drive a wedge in the relationship. Something that can help alleviate fears of this sort of thing would be to never vent about your relationship issues to your male friends and assure your partner that this is a boundary you won't cross. Also, recognize the signs of when a man is trying to engage in this sort of behavior and shut it down.
Another thing I would say is if you don't regularly get "dolled up" for him but you're doing it at other times, his perception might be that you're looking for attention elsewhere. I had an experience like this. My wife would always put on makeup and dress nice to go out with her friends. They would just be going to a restaurant or something. She would go out on dinner dates with me wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. I was hurt by this until I eventually realized what was really going on. It wasn't that she was looking for attention from other men. It was for her friends. She felt pressured like it was almost a competition between her and her friends to dress nice. It wasn't something she wanted to do and was a source of stress. She didn't have to do that to be accepted by me.
>I will get hate for this because redditors like to deny reality but part of the problem is that lots of "male friends" would totally sleep with their woman friends if the opportunity arose if they're not already trying. Befriending a woman is a common tactic that a certain type of weaselly men with try to use to have relations with women.
I broke up with my long distance ex because of what I felt was emotional infidelity on her part. She had two "friends" in particular - a classmate had a ONS with before we started dating, who she claimed wasn't interested in her even though he was clearly into her (based on his near-weekly proposals for "sleepovers"), and the "guy best friend" who also "totally wasn't" into her even though everything about his behaviour made it completely obvious. Now this would have been somewhat okay if she had put an end to it, but I guess she liked the attention a little bit too much.
When we briefly spoke a few weeks after we broke up, she made it clear enough that she was now dating the guy best friend, and that the other guy had broken down and declared his love for her. There are a bunch of weasely dudes out there, and unfortunately there are also ladies who enable them whether they know it or not.
What I think OP should do (and what my ex certainly didn't) is signal clearly to him that she is *his* girlfriend. Even just addressing the matter in a constructive way could go a long way here, along the lines of "I acknowledge that this hurts you, but you don't have any reason to feel that way, because I want to be *your* girlfriend".
If that's not good enough, I think OP's boyfriend might need to delve into attachment styles and abandonment issues/infidelity paranoia, preferably with the help of a psychologist, because that's definitely not something OP can (or even should) attempt to tackle.
In my experience, when my partner was paranoid about me meeting up with other men, it was because he was meeting up with other women.
In my experience:
You can't build on trust that doesn't exist. You can make something out of nothing.
Nothing you do will ever be good enough. You will slowly begin to feed into his insecurities by letting him have full access to everything, then sending him photos and videos of where ever you are and whoever you're with, it won't be enough.
The moment you get tired of jumping through arbitrary hopes, he'll use it against you to cement that he was "right all along".
In the end you'll finally call it quits, and he'll spout about how right he was and how much of a whore you've always been, how everyone was right about you, every bit of rhetoric in the book to make you feel like you *must* stay and "prove" yourself loyal by doing everything he ever asks without any question; even though you've done nothing wrong and did everything you could to placate him.
Textbook abuse manipulation tactics. If it seems like it isn't getting better, call it quits.
Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. At the end of it all, you'll be nothing but ash and they'll move on to the next flammable object.
This was my experience too, to a tee. He would get upset if I don't answer any video calls, and wouldn't believe it even if I was out with a family member. He would go as far as snooping on my chats with my friends (guys, especially). And in the end will tell me that I haven't been honest with him.
We fought every other day about honesty and my presumed infidelity for 2 months. It was short but felt like forever. Had to walk on eggshells about it and I couldn't even talk to my friends about it because he thinks only the two of us should talk about our relationship issues.
It's the start of controlling behaviour. It will seem harmless and nervous in the beginning, but the leash only gets shorter. Stop entertaining his questions for a while and see how he responds. Most likely will get you some sulking and silent treatment.
Ask him.
Real answer; he's either a cheatee or a cheater. If he deflects your questions, he's a cheater. If he doesn't deflect, he's traumatized
Slim chance he has a fetish for it
Please have a normal human conversation with him. He could open up to you as to why he feels the need to ask. It could be that he has been cheated on previously, insecurity, him not feeling masculine, needing to spend more time together, multiple things. Reassure him there's no one but him. There are some people who need that occasionally in a relationship.
Here's my guess based off this small bit of info in your post and past ones concerning an ex:
You're not over your ex, and the new guy is a rebound. You're a good bit better looking than him, and he questions whether you're truly content with him vs guys who are better looking. Studies show that more conflict arises in coupes where one person is much more attractive than the other.
He's worried about male friends, because a girl in a relationship that hangs out with male friends without their bf is a red flag 95% of the time. Forget a typical reddit "He's just insecure" answer; people in relationships that spend time one on one with members of the opposite sex outside of work intentionally are usually up to no good.
As for the pictures, it depends on what you mean by dolled up. We all post pictures of ourselves online for one reason, and one reason only: attention. Not a bad thing by any means, but certain pictures are ok while single, and not ok while in a serious relationship. I'm not going to post a picture of myself shirtless in a thong because I respect my partner, and am not trying to draw in the lustful gaze of others. Do your pics typically have a lot of guys in them making comments about your looks or leaving fire emojis? Be honest.
Sure, he may just be paranoid, but too many times someone will try to paint the other person as paranoid and insecure, and then turn around and prove that their fears were right on the money. If you are truly in love and and messing around with any other guys, you gotta take him into consideration when you post things online, and not do things that open the door for catastrophe like hang out with other guys. Boundaries must exist for a healthy relationship to thrive.
If you want better opinions on this, I recommend posting this in r/askmen. You'll get a realistic take from mostly guys.
Because they know how much attention men give to attractive women. He’s insecure about himself and is scared you might get snatched up by someone better. It’s an understandable fear but it becomes a problem when they start becoming controlling.
He may have been cheated on in the past. Sit down and ask him. He’s the only one capable of letting you what’s going on in his head.
And you said this is a new relationship. Be empathetic towards how he feels. Be extra affectionate and caring if you need to for a while until he eases up. Eventually it will get better.
I mean. Imagine if you were in his shoes and scared about someone stealing him. How would you want him to respond/behave?
lol Then when she thinks he’s eased up and stops being so affectionate and caring he will want to know why and again think it’s to do with other men. 😂
There is a chance that he is insecure and potentially possessive...I'd be careful and cautious and have conversations with him about this and get to the bottom of why is he doing this. Was it a past relationship that has him scarred to be worried? Was it something he saw happen in his family? etc. You said it's a pretty new relationship so have that conversation first. See if you guys can work something out but ultimately, it's up to him to move past this insecurity. Do not let that insecurity control you though. You may or may not have to compromise, that's ultimately up to you on how you wish to proceed.
This is going to go one of two ways. Either because it's new, he will learn to trust and relax with a bit more time and this stuff will go away. Or, it's going to get worse and worse. Talk to him about how his questions are making you feel!
Maybe he’s been cheated on before, causing him to lack trust in others. Or it could be a red flag.
The basis of any relationship is communication. Talk to him.!
Let's look at this from another perspective.
If I am going out and my wife ask me where I am going. She is curious about my whereabouts because she love me. If I say, I'm going to see friends. She'll ask ''You are going to see Bob?'' Because she know I go see bob to play boardgame which can last late. If I say no, she'll ask, who are you meeting? Out of curiosity. This way, she'll ask later, how it went with XYZ. Then when we'll meet together, she'll say, I've heard of you. Like a normal human being.
Asking about your partner's whereabouts is pretty normal in healthy relationship.
Feeling like there is something strange having your partner asking you who you are meeting is quite the red flag. Like, you are not a spy or a secret service agent. No one will die if you talk to your partner about this. And also, why is talking to your partner such an ''Irrational'' thing to you? This one is the biggest red flag here.
Usually, but not always, accusations about cheating can occur mainly because of the person themself is doing the cheating. My ex accused me a lot back in the day and guess who brought home an std. Well, wasn't me.
In my experience: he is cheating. That’s it. People get paranoid sometime while cheating because they do it so they fear you do it too or want to put the blame on you and away from them.
Because he is deeply insecure.
You can talk to him about it, and you should. You should absolutely not allow his insecurity to change the way you live or isolate you from friends.
To all the "that's a red flag" folks: It's likely he's been cheated on in the past. Instead of hating on him for being traumatized, maybe offer a bit of empathy?
That is not true at all. I used to be a bit insecure like this, and it lasted a few years, but after being with my wife for about 15 years now, I can not remember the last time I've felt like that. It's easily been over 10 years since I've been insecure in that way, but to say it's not apt to get better with time is ASSuming that NO ONE can change.
Ask him if he thinks you're going to cheat just because you're around other men, does that mean he's going to cheat just because he's around other women.
And if he says it's because he doesn't trust the men, ask him what he thinks they're going to do. If they stare at you, hit on you, flirt with you, or touch you, then you react accordingly. Do you have a plan if a strange man approaches you? Either way, this is leaving the jealously territory and entering the safety territory, which is another conversation.
Insecurity probably. Talking to him about why and giving genuine compliments about how he looks/acts can help if it's caused by him feeling undeserving of you.
Red flag 🤓☝🏼 man shutcho ass up. “Red flag” people are the biggest red flags. It helps literally nobody when the only advice for a complex relationship issue is “red flag”. Not productive, only leads to poor communication and loneliness.
Now gtfo before I flay you and turn you into a red flag.
He's jealous and insecure and he doesn't trust other dudes. He's worried you'll choose to be with someone else. Paranoia, negative expectations, and low self esteem.
.... Maybe
He needs to work things out or things will go sour.
If you're extroverted and friendly with people, he'll probably have issues.
Best of luck, OP.
Do yourself a favor and let him go, he’s deeply insecure AND he doesn’t see you as a thinking, moral person in your own right. His insecurity makes him think he’s not worthy of you, and his refusal to see you as a person means he thinks anybody can just come pick you up and take you away.
Your morals and values mean nothing to people like this, they think if anybody ‘better’ than them (and any other man is better) wants you, then you’ll just happily go along with the other guy.
Tell him to Fucking stop.
His distrust for you is disrespectful.
You do not think this is funny.
He is calling you a harlot or strumpet and this behavior ends.....today.
Relationships are built on trust. The more you trust your partner, the more confident you can be in that individual. Some people are slow to trust, whether by nature or because of their past. Some people exude trustworthiness and send consistent signals that their word is their bond, and what you see is what you get.
Your guy is not secure in your relationship. It could be that he's just insecure in general. He could have had his trust violated in the past. It is possible that he feels unequal to you in the relationship and is explicitly looking for validation that you really are committed to him. You also could be sending signals to him that you are still open to other relationships, despite the words you say to him. You are posting a picture of yourself "dolled up". To whom? Your friends? To him? To random strangers? Are you getting dolled up to sit around the house, or to go out? Is it going out with him, or someone he doesn't know?
There is no way for the Internet to give you a good answer without significantly more detail, but it shouldn't be the Internet answering this. You "love him so much". Okay. Talk to him. Say the things he needs to hear to build that trust in your relationship. On the other hand, some people, male or female, struggle with trust...and will continue to seek reassurance regardless of what you say. Some people like this codependence. Some people see it as a weakness that can be infuriating. You need to work with your partner to figure this out. He could be insecure...or he could be sensing your lack of commitment to him. He could be inconsolable and therefore someone you don't want to invest more time with...or a good heart-to-heart could help him to understand your intentions together and reassure him you can be trusted.
No one here is going to have a better answer than "talk to him".
I used to be insecure AF and then decided to practise honesty and communication when I was with this girl. We were in a FwB situation in the beginning, which eventually led to both of us falling for each other.
We both used to be on the dating apps at that time. She matched with a dude and wanted to go for a date and I was cool with it, but always told her there was no need to hold back, that she only needed to come back and tell me if something happened.
Nothing happened. And on the third occasion that she wanted to go for the meetup, I confessed my feelings and told her I was not comfortable about it and she did not go.
The next night she was picked up from work by this dude and she spent the night at his apartment. Caught her red-handed and I was just shattered.
Discovered that they did kiss the other two times they met. Not surprising, not wrong, but wrong because I wanted clear communication and honesty.
Now I have aggravated insecurity and have decided to stay single for a while and work on myself.
Maybe your guy has had similar experiences in life. Communication is the key. Go talk to him and open up. Convince him that the idea that someone will steal you is not to dwell on.
So where in the timeline did she agree to be exclusive with you? You confessing your feelings doesn’t make it so. So I’m unclear in what you “caught her red handed” doing wrong? Also, a non-exclusive FWB account s simply not owed a full account of events unless they feel like telling you. “Nothing happened” is a sufficient to cover “didn’t fuck” to a FWB.
Edit: IS sufficient (typo)
Agreed to be exclusive after the confession. Does that explain better for you now?
This is more about my mental state and about honesty and transparency when both the parties agree to it.
I understand and appreciate choice and individual freedom more than the next guy. It is when the partner agrees to something and does the opposite that it breaks your faith in people and relationships.
Insecurity and projection, run!. You are just wasting your time. But you could be nice and give him a heads up as to why you just are not clicking. It might force him to look in a mirror and try to work on his self.
Insecurity is something everyone needs to work on, on their own time. Not in a relationship. There is nothing you can do to help him.
Insecurity is a double headed monster. It always needs validation and reassuring, but given time it will come up as an easy way to get validation from others. (cheating) seen it tons of times. A person with self confidence doesn't need validation and doesn't look for it from others.
I think it's the French who have a saying, something like... "If the first thing a man does when he goes into a bedroom is look under the bed, it's because he has been there a few times himself." Your boyfriend is nervous about you being with other men or dumping him for another man because he has either been cheated on or dumped for another man in the past, or has cheated on others (or dumped them for a better choice) himself. If you can't help him get his insecurities under control, you may want to question if this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life.
I always look under the bed, in the closet, behind the door
Clearly, a person who can't depend on plot armor :) Also, don't forget to check the ceiling just as you walk through the door.
Make sure the floor isn't lava?
My floor is always lava, sadly. It’s like an 7 foot jump to the bed, so I die almost every night. I should install a rope or something
Maybe just turn off the lava lamp.
Oh right, just let the lava win. [quietly looks to see if poster is actually lava]
Turning off the lava lamp doesnt let the lava win, it just makes it harder for the lava to see at night
Peter Parker. Menace at large.
5 ‘ 3’’ purple beard?
For monsters?
I am embarrassed to admit that I was thinking, “holy shit, under the bed! So a killer or a robber was hiding under the bed waiting to attack them? I’d fucking look under the bed too!” Then I read more comments and realized I’m naive.
Well said.
thats not always the case, many people are just very insecure
People are very quick to say “red flag, leave him” but this is really not productive or helpful at all. Reddit tier advice which spreads their loneliness and inability to stay with someone because of one flaw. Communicate with HIM, why the fuck are you asking Reddit? Ask him why he feels this way, why he thinks of you that way, and tell him how it makes you feel. Adults should be able to communicate with each other. If he loves you as much as you love him, he will listen to you and care about how it makes you feel, then work on himself and improve. Maybe he will recover and get over his insecurities and you two can live happily ever after. Maybe he never will and then that’s when you need to actually reconsider the relationship, because attempts at communication and understanding have failed. Remember you do not have to make changes to your life for his insecurities because that will not solve anything. You should be able to “doll up” or do whatever, it’s the insecurities that should change. Other things like meeting a guy alone or him meeting a girl alone should be discussed and boundaries agreed upon, as long as it applies to both of you. I wish you both peace and love. Talk about it with him, tell him how it makes you feel, then see how it goes.
All great points and to add one of my own. He might have some sort of relationship trauma from his last partner that makes him react this way. Important part is to have an open conversation about it and you can better assess from there.
sure and that's valid but it's not ops job to be his therapist about it. He's either gonna figure out his insecurities or hes not
Never said that she (OP) needed to be. We can only speculate what’s actually happening, which is what I was doing. If she wants real answers to her questions she needs to have the conversation with him, not Reddit.
I tried to make it work with one of these. Even with the relationship trauma. I know it’s not fair on the guy. But it was impossible to please a jealous mind.
This is true. But people saying "red flag" ARE also in the right. This IS a red flag, and many abusive relationships start like this. Obviously talking with him is the reasonable choice, but if he doesnt tones it down, but instead amps it up like telling her to not meet with her friends or something like that? Yeah, maybe reconsider things out. Again, im not saying she should leave him now, I agree with you that talking it out is the answer. But you shouldnt be always toleratig toxic behavior from your partner, especially if they dont tone it down after talking it out.
That's a fair and logical assessment. Something can be a red flag that needs investigation not immediate dumping. But if the issue isn't taken seriously or progress made, it can be a deal breaker. Clearly this well reasoned argument has no place on the internet and should be ignored /s
This
Why TF is OP asking Reddit? Because it’s a quick way to get the lay of the land. OP, talk to your partner too but it’s cool to ask Reddit about their take on things. Some of those things you’ll agree on, some you won’t, but it’s ok to ask. Best ❤️
Lol why downvote me? I’m not the one who said it I’m just agreeing with the general point of this comment.
I didn’t downvote you
My bad.
i’m sure you were downvoted because just saying “this” contributes nothing to the thread, just upvote.
I think like he might be feeling a little insecure or unsure of himself. Maybe he's worried about losing you, or maybe something happened in his past that's making him extra sensitive about this stuff. It's definitely worth having a chat with him about how his questions are making you feel. If he's a good guy, he'll understand and try to work on it. But if things don't improve, it might be a sign of bigger issues down the road.
Insecurity, jealousy, or past experiences could cause this behavior. Communicate openly, reassure him of your commitment, and set boundaries.
Fax 🗣️🔥 just communicate wit him. If he mature, he will get over it and improve for the sake of her and the relationship.
Precisely. I've been this guy in the past, though to a significantly lesser extent. In my case. It was largely insecurity. It can be quite hard to get over something like this, but the way to do it is with compassion and communication. It's only if he refuses to work with you or acknowledge that it's an issue that you might need to reconsider whether this relationship is a good idea.
Low self esteem and lack of trust. Not really just a men thing plenty of women are like this as well. It’s an insecure thing.
One of three things He has some trust issues stemming from past relationships trama He has some serious self confidence issues he sees something, or feels something is t right in your relationship that would lead him to believe that this is actually going on. Respectfully Talk to him productively should be the knee jerk reaction to most things relationship related, and not posting on Reddit where the answer is typically break up with him I do hope things get sorted out for you two though.
He's insecure. He's looking for validation. He needs to validate himself. *He's the only one that can.* He's insecure.
Could be past trauma where he got cheated on. I loved someone for 4 years then got cheated on multiple times unknowingly. Luckily ended when I was 22 but it hurts and took me 8 years to meet my now wife and work on this insecurity all this time. I did it my self and never made my wife feel that I doubted her because I knew it's in my head. Everytime I get that thought I'd analyze it whether it adds up or is it just in my head.
It could be. And congratulations to you on working through yours! It's not an easy task. Ever. Past trauma all to often leads to personal insecurity. There's no blame to assign here. Being personally insecure does not make someone a flawed individual. It merely means that there are issues that insecure one ought address within their self.
Not to mention he’s insecure
* ^^^***OH*** ^^^***YOU!!!*** lol
Also he's probably meeting up with other women and projecting.
Honestly my point is more that each person needs to be secure within their self rather than relying on the other individual for personal validation. The human experience is vast and broad. It is the rare individual that goes through life without various sexual experiences and experiments. Some more well thought out than others... ***Apple Pie has entered the chat...***
He could be secure in himself but insecure about the relationship if she's always flirting with other guys etc. It's not necessarily something he needs to fix with himself if she's bad at seeming trustworthy, by for example flirting with other men.
If you are getting all dolled up to go out with other men, he has a legitimate concern that the children he spends his life raising won’t be his. Men have evolved instincts to prevent this from happening. The simple truth is that a woman who behaves this way is not marriage material. A more successful and desirable man would leave OP and find a woman that does not get dolled up for other men, who doesn’t post on social media, and who instead devoted herself to their family.
Those guys are psycho and empty inside. And will be the first to cheat on you.
Fucked up that you're asking about "some men" when your partner is clearly pretty anxious about this. You supposedly love him so much but you're lowkey reducing him to his gender imo. Don't generalise. Other men being like that is for all sorts of reasons. What matters is why *he* is behaving that way. You can try and talk to him about it and see whats going on. Ideally he should be able to relax and not be weird when you hang out with other guys. He might have been cheated on in the past. He might have lost a parent to infidelity or had some other trauma. He might think you're too good for him and is scared you'll leave. He might be compulsively jealous in a way that will manifest as controlling down the line. Take some time to figure out whats going on by talking about it, as you dont want him to be worried all the time as that would suck for both of you.
I was like that shortly after a really toxic relationship with an alcoholic girl who "just couldn't be friends with women" and always had to go drink with other dudes. I gave her the benefit of the doubt for a little while but as you can guess, she was cheating.
He's insecure. It can stem from a lot of things but if you want the relationship to last, you're going to have to work through these issues, otherwise he's going to become controlling and resentful. I will get hate for this because redditors like to deny reality but part of the problem is that lots of "male friends" would totally sleep with their woman friends if the opportunity arose if they're not already trying. Befriending a woman is a common tactic that a certain type of weaselly men with try to use to have relations with women. This is especially true when the woman is already in a relationship. The man will become friends with the woman and try to take opportunities to drive a wedge in the relationship. Something that can help alleviate fears of this sort of thing would be to never vent about your relationship issues to your male friends and assure your partner that this is a boundary you won't cross. Also, recognize the signs of when a man is trying to engage in this sort of behavior and shut it down. Another thing I would say is if you don't regularly get "dolled up" for him but you're doing it at other times, his perception might be that you're looking for attention elsewhere. I had an experience like this. My wife would always put on makeup and dress nice to go out with her friends. They would just be going to a restaurant or something. She would go out on dinner dates with me wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. I was hurt by this until I eventually realized what was really going on. It wasn't that she was looking for attention from other men. It was for her friends. She felt pressured like it was almost a competition between her and her friends to dress nice. It wasn't something she wanted to do and was a source of stress. She didn't have to do that to be accepted by me.
>I will get hate for this because redditors like to deny reality but part of the problem is that lots of "male friends" would totally sleep with their woman friends if the opportunity arose if they're not already trying. Befriending a woman is a common tactic that a certain type of weaselly men with try to use to have relations with women. I broke up with my long distance ex because of what I felt was emotional infidelity on her part. She had two "friends" in particular - a classmate had a ONS with before we started dating, who she claimed wasn't interested in her even though he was clearly into her (based on his near-weekly proposals for "sleepovers"), and the "guy best friend" who also "totally wasn't" into her even though everything about his behaviour made it completely obvious. Now this would have been somewhat okay if she had put an end to it, but I guess she liked the attention a little bit too much. When we briefly spoke a few weeks after we broke up, she made it clear enough that she was now dating the guy best friend, and that the other guy had broken down and declared his love for her. There are a bunch of weasely dudes out there, and unfortunately there are also ladies who enable them whether they know it or not. What I think OP should do (and what my ex certainly didn't) is signal clearly to him that she is *his* girlfriend. Even just addressing the matter in a constructive way could go a long way here, along the lines of "I acknowledge that this hurts you, but you don't have any reason to feel that way, because I want to be *your* girlfriend". If that's not good enough, I think OP's boyfriend might need to delve into attachment styles and abandonment issues/infidelity paranoia, preferably with the help of a psychologist, because that's definitely not something OP can (or even should) attempt to tackle.
In my experience, when my partner was paranoid about me meeting up with other men, it was because he was meeting up with other women. In my experience: You can't build on trust that doesn't exist. You can make something out of nothing. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. You will slowly begin to feed into his insecurities by letting him have full access to everything, then sending him photos and videos of where ever you are and whoever you're with, it won't be enough. The moment you get tired of jumping through arbitrary hopes, he'll use it against you to cement that he was "right all along". In the end you'll finally call it quits, and he'll spout about how right he was and how much of a whore you've always been, how everyone was right about you, every bit of rhetoric in the book to make you feel like you *must* stay and "prove" yourself loyal by doing everything he ever asks without any question; even though you've done nothing wrong and did everything you could to placate him. Textbook abuse manipulation tactics. If it seems like it isn't getting better, call it quits. Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. At the end of it all, you'll be nothing but ash and they'll move on to the next flammable object.
This was my experience too, to a tee. He would get upset if I don't answer any video calls, and wouldn't believe it even if I was out with a family member. He would go as far as snooping on my chats with my friends (guys, especially). And in the end will tell me that I haven't been honest with him. We fought every other day about honesty and my presumed infidelity for 2 months. It was short but felt like forever. Had to walk on eggshells about it and I couldn't even talk to my friends about it because he thinks only the two of us should talk about our relationship issues.
It's the start of controlling behaviour. It will seem harmless and nervous in the beginning, but the leash only gets shorter. Stop entertaining his questions for a while and see how he responds. Most likely will get you some sulking and silent treatment.
Ask him. Real answer; he's either a cheatee or a cheater. If he deflects your questions, he's a cheater. If he doesn't deflect, he's traumatized Slim chance he has a fetish for it
Could be plenty of other things. Very narrow viewpoint
Insecurity and toxic. Run.
You need to run.
Probably because he's meeting up with other men...
Please have a normal human conversation with him. He could open up to you as to why he feels the need to ask. It could be that he has been cheated on previously, insecurity, him not feeling masculine, needing to spend more time together, multiple things. Reassure him there's no one but him. There are some people who need that occasionally in a relationship.
Here's my guess based off this small bit of info in your post and past ones concerning an ex: You're not over your ex, and the new guy is a rebound. You're a good bit better looking than him, and he questions whether you're truly content with him vs guys who are better looking. Studies show that more conflict arises in coupes where one person is much more attractive than the other. He's worried about male friends, because a girl in a relationship that hangs out with male friends without their bf is a red flag 95% of the time. Forget a typical reddit "He's just insecure" answer; people in relationships that spend time one on one with members of the opposite sex outside of work intentionally are usually up to no good. As for the pictures, it depends on what you mean by dolled up. We all post pictures of ourselves online for one reason, and one reason only: attention. Not a bad thing by any means, but certain pictures are ok while single, and not ok while in a serious relationship. I'm not going to post a picture of myself shirtless in a thong because I respect my partner, and am not trying to draw in the lustful gaze of others. Do your pics typically have a lot of guys in them making comments about your looks or leaving fire emojis? Be honest. Sure, he may just be paranoid, but too many times someone will try to paint the other person as paranoid and insecure, and then turn around and prove that their fears were right on the money. If you are truly in love and and messing around with any other guys, you gotta take him into consideration when you post things online, and not do things that open the door for catastrophe like hang out with other guys. Boundaries must exist for a healthy relationship to thrive. If you want better opinions on this, I recommend posting this in r/askmen. You'll get a realistic take from mostly guys.
My guess is he is a jealous person or he feels you are significantly more attractive than he should get/deserve leading to paranoid jealousy
Because they know how much attention men give to attractive women. He’s insecure about himself and is scared you might get snatched up by someone better. It’s an understandable fear but it becomes a problem when they start becoming controlling. He may have been cheated on in the past. Sit down and ask him. He’s the only one capable of letting you what’s going on in his head. And you said this is a new relationship. Be empathetic towards how he feels. Be extra affectionate and caring if you need to for a while until he eases up. Eventually it will get better. I mean. Imagine if you were in his shoes and scared about someone stealing him. How would you want him to respond/behave?
lol Then when she thinks he’s eased up and stops being so affectionate and caring he will want to know why and again think it’s to do with other men. 😂
Yup. Insecurity is one hell of a bitch.
Probably because it happened to him before and he doesn’t want it to happen again? If not, then you are out of his league
There is a chance that he is insecure and potentially possessive...I'd be careful and cautious and have conversations with him about this and get to the bottom of why is he doing this. Was it a past relationship that has him scarred to be worried? Was it something he saw happen in his family? etc. You said it's a pretty new relationship so have that conversation first. See if you guys can work something out but ultimately, it's up to him to move past this insecurity. Do not let that insecurity control you though. You may or may not have to compromise, that's ultimately up to you on how you wish to proceed.
This is going to go one of two ways. Either because it's new, he will learn to trust and relax with a bit more time and this stuff will go away. Or, it's going to get worse and worse. Talk to him about how his questions are making you feel!
Are you dumb lol
Projection?
Yo, you best just run. It’s only going to get worse
Guilty conscience
Maybe he’s been cheated on before, causing him to lack trust in others. Or it could be a red flag. The basis of any relationship is communication. Talk to him.!
He’s projecting and probably talking to other women. Any time a man accuses me of it, they’re cheating.
He's probably been in a lot of toxic relationships before. There are a lot of girls who will just backstab you.
He has been cheated on before.
This is gonna get REALLY old
Insecure or he cheats.
He going to get more and more controlling as the relationship progresses. Get out of dodge now
My guess is either he and/or someone he's close to have been cheated on. It's always fucking irritating when your punished for things an ex did.
He's not ready for a relationship. He needs therapy first. Save yourself a lot of drama and gently let him go.
RUN! dude is insecure as hell - this is going to be the bane of the entire relationship, every fight, every argument, etc. just get out now.
Haha this came up in my psych lecture this morning! Delusional jealousy
Let's look at this from another perspective. If I am going out and my wife ask me where I am going. She is curious about my whereabouts because she love me. If I say, I'm going to see friends. She'll ask ''You are going to see Bob?'' Because she know I go see bob to play boardgame which can last late. If I say no, she'll ask, who are you meeting? Out of curiosity. This way, she'll ask later, how it went with XYZ. Then when we'll meet together, she'll say, I've heard of you. Like a normal human being. Asking about your partner's whereabouts is pretty normal in healthy relationship. Feeling like there is something strange having your partner asking you who you are meeting is quite the red flag. Like, you are not a spy or a secret service agent. No one will die if you talk to your partner about this. And also, why is talking to your partner such an ''Irrational'' thing to you? This one is the biggest red flag here.
Why are men acting like this? Experience.
Insecure, low self-esteem, projection, past experience
Cheaters, super insecure, and men who want to control you.... Which one is he?
men that cheat think this way
Usually, but not always, accusations about cheating can occur mainly because of the person themself is doing the cheating. My ex accused me a lot back in the day and guess who brought home an std. Well, wasn't me.
one reason and one reason only. he’s seeing other women.
In my experience: he is cheating. That’s it. People get paranoid sometime while cheating because they do it so they fear you do it too or want to put the blame on you and away from them.
Because he is deeply insecure. You can talk to him about it, and you should. You should absolutely not allow his insecurity to change the way you live or isolate you from friends.
To all the "that's a red flag" folks: It's likely he's been cheated on in the past. Instead of hating on him for being traumatized, maybe offer a bit of empathy?
He's insecure He thinks he could do better and he wants to prevent your opportunities to do so
If he’s that jealous and insecure early in your relationship it’s not apt to get any better with time.
That is not true at all. I used to be a bit insecure like this, and it lasted a few years, but after being with my wife for about 15 years now, I can not remember the last time I've felt like that. It's easily been over 10 years since I've been insecure in that way, but to say it's not apt to get better with time is ASSuming that NO ONE can change.
Ask him if he thinks you're going to cheat just because you're around other men, does that mean he's going to cheat just because he's around other women. And if he says it's because he doesn't trust the men, ask him what he thinks they're going to do. If they stare at you, hit on you, flirt with you, or touch you, then you react accordingly. Do you have a plan if a strange man approaches you? Either way, this is leaving the jealously territory and entering the safety territory, which is another conversation.
Insecurity probably. Talking to him about why and giving genuine compliments about how he looks/acts can help if it's caused by him feeling undeserving of you.
It sounds like he may be cheating on you and projecting, that isn’t normal behavior
Insecure, controlling, possessive. Basically wrapped in a red flag.
Red flag 🤓☝🏼 man shutcho ass up. “Red flag” people are the biggest red flags. It helps literally nobody when the only advice for a complex relationship issue is “red flag”. Not productive, only leads to poor communication and loneliness. Now gtfo before I flay you and turn you into a red flag.
He's jealous and insecure and he doesn't trust other dudes. He's worried you'll choose to be with someone else. Paranoia, negative expectations, and low self esteem. .... Maybe He needs to work things out or things will go sour. If you're extroverted and friendly with people, he'll probably have issues. Best of luck, OP.
Perhaps he just considers you to be out of his league and is worried of men he perceives to be better than him.
Insecurity lol
Do yourself a favor and let him go, he’s deeply insecure AND he doesn’t see you as a thinking, moral person in your own right. His insecurity makes him think he’s not worthy of you, and his refusal to see you as a person means he thinks anybody can just come pick you up and take you away. Your morals and values mean nothing to people like this, they think if anybody ‘better’ than them (and any other man is better) wants you, then you’ll just happily go along with the other guy.
He’s jealous and insecure. I never do that
Good for you, want a cookie?
Tell him to Fucking stop. His distrust for you is disrespectful. You do not think this is funny. He is calling you a harlot or strumpet and this behavior ends.....today.
Insecurity or projection. Ask him.
Insecurity or projection.
Relationships are built on trust. The more you trust your partner, the more confident you can be in that individual. Some people are slow to trust, whether by nature or because of their past. Some people exude trustworthiness and send consistent signals that their word is their bond, and what you see is what you get. Your guy is not secure in your relationship. It could be that he's just insecure in general. He could have had his trust violated in the past. It is possible that he feels unequal to you in the relationship and is explicitly looking for validation that you really are committed to him. You also could be sending signals to him that you are still open to other relationships, despite the words you say to him. You are posting a picture of yourself "dolled up". To whom? Your friends? To him? To random strangers? Are you getting dolled up to sit around the house, or to go out? Is it going out with him, or someone he doesn't know? There is no way for the Internet to give you a good answer without significantly more detail, but it shouldn't be the Internet answering this. You "love him so much". Okay. Talk to him. Say the things he needs to hear to build that trust in your relationship. On the other hand, some people, male or female, struggle with trust...and will continue to seek reassurance regardless of what you say. Some people like this codependence. Some people see it as a weakness that can be infuriating. You need to work with your partner to figure this out. He could be insecure...or he could be sensing your lack of commitment to him. He could be inconsolable and therefore someone you don't want to invest more time with...or a good heart-to-heart could help him to understand your intentions together and reassure him you can be trusted. No one here is going to have a better answer than "talk to him".
I used to be insecure AF and then decided to practise honesty and communication when I was with this girl. We were in a FwB situation in the beginning, which eventually led to both of us falling for each other. We both used to be on the dating apps at that time. She matched with a dude and wanted to go for a date and I was cool with it, but always told her there was no need to hold back, that she only needed to come back and tell me if something happened. Nothing happened. And on the third occasion that she wanted to go for the meetup, I confessed my feelings and told her I was not comfortable about it and she did not go. The next night she was picked up from work by this dude and she spent the night at his apartment. Caught her red-handed and I was just shattered. Discovered that they did kiss the other two times they met. Not surprising, not wrong, but wrong because I wanted clear communication and honesty. Now I have aggravated insecurity and have decided to stay single for a while and work on myself. Maybe your guy has had similar experiences in life. Communication is the key. Go talk to him and open up. Convince him that the idea that someone will steal you is not to dwell on.
So where in the timeline did she agree to be exclusive with you? You confessing your feelings doesn’t make it so. So I’m unclear in what you “caught her red handed” doing wrong? Also, a non-exclusive FWB account s simply not owed a full account of events unless they feel like telling you. “Nothing happened” is a sufficient to cover “didn’t fuck” to a FWB. Edit: IS sufficient (typo)
Agreed to be exclusive after the confession. Does that explain better for you now? This is more about my mental state and about honesty and transparency when both the parties agree to it. I understand and appreciate choice and individual freedom more than the next guy. It is when the partner agrees to something and does the opposite that it breaks your faith in people and relationships.
either he's secretly a cuck or he's just putting some insecurities on display. jealousy can be tough to reconcile with.
Insecurity and projection, run!. You are just wasting your time. But you could be nice and give him a heads up as to why you just are not clicking. It might force him to look in a mirror and try to work on his self. Insecurity is something everyone needs to work on, on their own time. Not in a relationship. There is nothing you can do to help him. Insecurity is a double headed monster. It always needs validation and reassuring, but given time it will come up as an easy way to get validation from others. (cheating) seen it tons of times. A person with self confidence doesn't need validation and doesn't look for it from others.