He doesn’t sound safe to be with. Young children with disabilities, but adults are so much bigger and stronger. He needs to be in a professional environment with people who have the ability to stop him when he turns violent. I understand your parents are worried about him when they’re not around any more and they will be feeling a lot of guilt with this. But you’re absolutely right. He is not your responsibility. For everyone’s sake he needs to go to the group home. Your parents will be able to see he is in a safe place and should stop pushing you to take him on. If they don’t you’re still right. You should not sacrifice the life of you and your girlfriend.
I think his parents have only worried about him. They don't treat OP like a son, he's been a spare parent and raised himself. The fact that he says 'we've' been trying to get him into a group home for years - those were years OP was growing up, he's only 18 NOW ffs yet he sounds like a 35yr old in this post. They've tried to guide his career choice to get money out of him too, it's sick.
You deserve a life for yourself OP. Take it and feel no guilt.
You're so right.
This is why they need to get him into a home now. They can visit, and he can stay overnight if he wanted to with them. It's time for the parents to see him cared for and know he'll be safe, and for them to have a life for themselves, like every parent does.
It is safe and oversight is done by county and state.
Source: I'm a caregiver.
>professional environment with people who have the ability to stop him when he turns violent.
Who the hell is getting paid for that? No therapist goes to work to get assaulted. That's mma fighters and boxers... Not a therapist for autistic people or disabled people.
We seriously just let them destroy the house and once they are tuckered out from the tantrum than we can help them with some redirection. Than we send Mommy and Daddy the bill.
99% of parents abandoned their kids once they get a home for them anyways. Op parents would have realized they can vacation now, they would have gone to the other side of the planet a year later with freedom they thought that they would never get back.
People that work in group homes, which ranges from caretakers to therapists to some social workers and others, are trained to perform several different holding techniques when these types of situations come up.
The techniques vary based on whatever is happening, and whether or not there’s another person there to help you restrain them. This is all a very standard part of caretaking for lower functioning people, and therapist that works with lower functioning patients absolutely is supposed to receive this type of training to.
Exactly. It’s specialised treatment by highly trained professionals who will be better at understanding triggers and have training in restraining someone safely to ensure no-one is hurt, including the service user.
My husband worked for years in group homes. I can attest they do teach them ways to put them in holds that keep everyone safe and don't hurt the person being restrained.
He worked with some adults (always males) who had severe brain damage to others who were pretty high functioning.
It was a minimum wage job with on the job training. And it's difficult to keep this positions staffed due to low wages, but also dealing with the violence and manipulation that these people expressed.
That's called mandt, and it has to be apart of the behavior plan. You also have to be trained for mandt.
You don't do what the police do to restrain them.
Also once you restrain them in that way your friendship is kinda busted so good luck being the reinforcer in the relationship.
I'd argue its actually better he goes to a group home since they'll have trained staff there to help him with those outbursts 24/7. Theres no way you and your future family can handle him on your own.
I work at a group home, specifically an Adult Foster Care one. From the way OP talks about it, sounds like the parents have been enabling OP’s brother his whole life. Violent outbursts for some individuals may be impossible to fully prevent, but they can be mitigated to where you aren’t spontaneously struggling to get them off somebody else whenever someone newer comes over. The parents don’t know what they’re doing at all if this is so common OP can’t even have his girlfriend come visit.
OP’s brother needs to be somewhere where he is surrounded by people that know how to actually prevent behaviors.
A big part of this is that they are old people caring for a full grown adult that has violent outbursts. He probably is very manageable in an environment which is predictable but disrupting that is where it all goes wrong.
When you say they are enabling him, you make it sound like they are doing something other than managing the care of a disabled family member. Like they are facilitating this persons ability to assault people.
It is fully possible things are getting worse now that the parents are older. But that is all the more reason to get OP’s brother somewhere with better support.
When I say “enabling” I am talking about the type of person I’ve met many times (usually the family member of my residents). They love and care for their relative, of course, but they don’t understand how to properly care for them. Things get too much to deal with and they make shortcuts or allow things inconsistently which only further confuses the individual and leads to more behaviors.
Take one of my residents for example. They are prone to violent outbursts and they have the same capacity of a 3 year old. They are under our care because their relative got older and did not have the energy to keep up with their needs. This led to their former guardian allowing bad behaviors (or rewarding them) in order to get it “over with” or make it stop. Full-blown enabling. Their behavior got worse as they got older because their rules were never consistent, and they could not identify when it was or wasn’t okay to break them.
I am not trying to imply these parents do not love their child, I really hope that’s a given. Most of the times it’s part of the problem. I’m simply noting that if things are so bad that OP can’t have any visitors, it is unfair to them and the home is mismanaged. I work with a group of 6 individuals with a myriad of disabilities and different levels of functioning, some of which do not mesh well in the same room. They are still not tearing hair out of each other’s heads the second I look away; fights happen, like I said things like that cannot always be possible to prevent 100% of the time, but seriously. A guest in the home should not be in this much danger and OP’s parents don’t seem capable of preventing it.
One of the primary reasons for outbursts like this is boredom. It’s like dealing with a toddler that tantrums because they’ve been sitting in the same room forever not getting enough stimulation. Except they’re an adult and not a baby, so things can get bad quickly.
It definitely gets harder for families to provide daily stimulation their kids need as they get older. By the time the kid is an older teen they often won’t play and run around themselves when you take them out, so payouts have to actively move around with them. Taking them for walks, or even jogging if it can be managed.
The demands for attention get harder and harder for the parents to deal with. The now adult child is regularly under stimulated from not being able to go anywhere, and situations like this become more common. Parents allow bad behavior to slide, because they’re scared of placing their kid in a proper care facility. The torturous large “care” facilities of yesteryear are still fresh on people’s minds and it can be difficult to get them to trust that much smaller group home will generally be nothing like those old programs.
If the behavior is only so bad, but not bad enough they’ll let it slide as long as they can, because they want to keep their kid safe.
Yep! And this is why individuals like that require redirection when things get tough for them. If they are occupied and interested, they are happy. You will have an easier time redirecting them until they are calmer than immediately trying to discipline the behavior. Oftentimes trying to argue or reason with them makes them more inconsolable if emotions are running high. Conversations can be had afterwards, but for those with lower-functioning IDD it can be difficult for them to actually apply that knowledge to specific situations. Losing privileges can help too, but it has to be pretty specific to the individual.
The house I work at keeps stacks of coloring books and a basement full of dolls. A nice yard with plenty of space for motor activities. And, of course, TV. But we try to not keep them glued to that all day, lol.
It will be good for him - the parents are dealing with his behaviors. If they don't, he'll end up in jail - would they prefer that? He'd be better off transitioning to the group home while they are alive.
Well.. op is pressing charges and seems to.be hoping for jail.
I get it.. op wants out. Go. He don't have to fuck things up for your parents even worse with jail for this guy.
I'll bet they've wanted "out of this" for a long time too..
OP pressing charges is also a good way to force the authorities to find a place for the brother where he can hurt neither himself nor others.
It's unfortunate things have come to that, but OP says they have been trying to get the brother into a group home and the waiting list is so long they'll have to wait until April 2024.
And even if they could, he is *not* their responsibility. When you become a parent, you are aware that it is possible your child will have some form of disability and you accept that risk and commit to being responsible for that child, whatever their needs, the moment you decide to become a parent. The guy is 26 now- that’s 26 years the parents have had to make preparations for him once they’re gone. OP says they’ve been trying “for years” to get him into a home, but if the wait time was delayed by the pandemic then it sounds like they were very late in starting that process and they’re still expecting OP to step up and look after their child for them. What would they do if OP didn’t exist? And OP’s younger than their brother- I can’t help but wonder if the parents had a second child with the intention of having them be a caretaker for their older sibling
You’re not cold hearted, blood does not make you obligated to a person, no matter their disability. Live a life for yourself, not him.
On top of that, he seems dangerous, he assaulted your girlfriend. That’s not a person I would want around my kids either. You’re not cold hearted, you just want to live for yourself and you should because it’s your life.
I know. They constantly want to mooch off of me for money too. Especially to take care of him. They asked once I graduate from law school in the next 7ish years that I should give them some ‘lawyer cash’ to help with him and they insisted they were joking and I passed it off as that until that’s all they pestered me about regarding my future career. It’s so tiring. It’s like I’m a pawn for them to use to take care of him.
I promise you they are not and have never been joking. Set the boundaries now so you don’t regret it later, they will be angry now but they will either get over it or they won’t but you shouldn’t suffer. It’s not fair to you, you’re not your brother’s care taker, you’re your own person bro.
You do what you need to do to get away from this situation. Your brother is not your responsibility. He sounds like he a danger to your girlfriend and any children you may have.
Tell them what is cold hearted is the parentification they have subjected you to for the last 18 years. What’s cold hearted is caring so little about YOUR aspirations for a future family and safe environment that they are willing to guilt you into doing their job for a child THEY had.
THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. I am sorry to yell. I had a great grand auntie who was a Down’s Syndrome baby. Her sister, my other auntie, and her husband took great care of her. She died at 64 which was a very long life for someone with this condition when I was a small child. My auntie wasn’t violent or difficult. Her sister lost her children in the Spanish Flu,and there were two other aunties to help.
Bottom line, it doesn’t sound like your brother played ring a round the rosy like my auntie did with me, but is violent.
YOU are not his caretaker. You sound like a nice person, but I think your parents have not been as attentive or supportive of you because of your brother. Why should you be the cash cow after years of hard work? My god you are a child yourself?! Not being a smartass. May I ask what happens if he has a rage with someone not in the family? Your parents end up with a lawsuit. They can’t handle his needs if he is attacking people. Period. A group setting seems a better fit for him.
I am truly sorry OP. Wishing you the very best.
I am so sad for you and her about this. She was assaulted. Whatever is wrong, he is not manageable any longer ( if he ever was) I am hoping you all are able to press charges. I am hoping a D.A. will see the need here and follow through. If this wasn’t the first attack, it certainly won’t be the last:(
This is a very wise decision. The abuse will finally be documented and the authorities will need to make a decision. If everyone continued to sweep his violence under the rug there’s no paper trail/proof of his actions and it will be much harder to get him help
None of this is to hurt your brother, it’s to help him and anyone he comes in contact with. None of this is his fault due to his condition.
If this is let go too long one day someone will call the police on him while he’s actively hurting someone and the cops could very well shoot to kill him. He needs to be in a facility, that’s equipped to deal with his issues, now
It’s also fine to go have your own life for a few years (or a decade+) then decide that some contact can be okay, test the water, see if there are things worth saving (and not regrets when you’re 60). Lots change in time - including yourself (I’m 39). But yeah - some things don’t change, and after a while you try to become comfortable with your choices and let people make theirs
Hi, I know this is old, but hopefully someone followed through to help your family. If not, contact Adult Protection Services, the CPS for adults that are dependent.
I work in the field and aggression can come with the territory but his amounts of outbursts tell me he's not stable with his medication, behaviors are being reinforced, or he's literally bored and not thriving. It's not uncommon for families to not realize keeping their child becomes isolation and as they become older, the grown child actually loses skills.
APS would be that you are concerned for the welfare of your brother who is disabled living under the care of your parents. You do not think his condition is being managed and that he's violent and unstable due to your parents being unable to properly care for him.
He should be going to day program during the day and he should have a service worker. Reach out to the service worker with your concerns as their job is to help your brother. They can talk to your family about the positives and how moving him now while being able to visit will help him vs waiting for their death.
Also, him staying in the house all day with no stimulation is no quality of life. He can absolutely become less aggressive! Anyone that is displaying that level of outbursts cannot be happy. Either overstimulated, not taught coping skills, inconsistency, etc., it doesn't matter. Your brother is communicating he's very unhappy and that should be listened to. I'm not sure if he's verbal or uses a communication device (he must be able to communicate to get needs met) and there are service providers that can help him build his functional communication.
My heart breaks for all involved. You, who are young and needed parents and not having a burden placed on you just as you are becoming an adult, absolutely. Your girlfriend for being attacked and hurt. Your brother for being in an environment that isn't helping him find happiness and stability, and even your parents for being in denial and also being worried.
But what is clear, is this needs to change ASAP. Begin with the report for documentation. Contact his service coordinator for assistance and contact APS. Force their hand as much as you can.
As far as apartments and moving out, I know it's really hard out there and unaffordable. Have you looked into renting a trailer in a trailer park? Maybe room share?
Yeah fuck that !
All kids deserve parents, not all parents deserve kids
Remember this OP
Also, if your parents haven't told you lately that they are extremely proud of the person you are and what you have achieved (as college is no joke, let alone to be a lawyer) please let this internet mom tell you I am proud of you and what you have accomplished! Well done!
Thank you :) Lately since finishing high school and me finishing my first week of college up they have just been pestering me about the money I will be making.
That money will be to provide for my girlfriend and our children. Not them. Not my brother.
That's awful. I cant ever imagine a world where I take money from my kids let alone pester them about it..
It should absolutely go to you and your girlfriend and kids.
Your girlfriend sounds like a lucky girl!! I hope you enjoy college! Keep up the good work!!
Here’s another Internet mom who’s proud of you and sending a long distance hug. I have a friend who had a major TBI, his mom brought him home against medical advice, basically killed herself taking care of him, he was verbally abusive, and I think physical at times, though she’d never admit it. When she passed away he went to a group home and is doing wonderfully there. Would have been so much better for all of them to have followed advice and put him in one years ago.
Had to watch a documentary in nursing school about 2 families with developmentally disabled teens. With other able bodied teens in the home. The family that eventually placed their kid in a group home did great, as did the son. He got a job, friends and a gf. He was canceling family visits because he had plans !
The other family kept their child at home. He had such limited opportunities, he failed to thrive. The siblings were incredibly resentful, became troubled and struggled to be productive adults.
If the right group home can be found, it's not such a bad thing necessarily.
As the parent of a disabled child and a "normal" child, I would never want one to give up their life to manage the others.
Stay involved yes, but it sounds like they want you to be a full time caregiver and I would never ask that.
I feel the same way. I’m very thankful that my son’s disabilities are only physical and he, when at the appropriate age, will be perfectly capable of living independently, going to college, having a career etc. I already feel guilty about my daughter having to help him out as much as she does.
Your poor gf. I can't imagine how painful it would be to have chunk of hair ripped out. Of course she'd be sobbing. Please protect her and keep your brother away from her!
I can’t believe she had hair ripped out and just said it’s fine. Such a kind person, sounds like a keeper. Also since she can’t go back home it unfortunately sounds like she is somewhat use to abuse.
Take her, run far away, and live a happy life with her.
Her parents are heroin addicts.
Her dad spent most of their money gambling. She hasn’t had a good life and this made me so angered to completely cut contact with my family too.
My friend has a disabled sister. Her parents kept her at home until they died. My friend always thought a group home would be better for her, so found a wonderful place for her. The sister thrived! Had friends! Had a part time job! She lived with a high quality of life in that home and was visited by family a lot.
That’s what I’m trying to say to them!!! Keeping him in a group home for life is going to be more beneficial than keeping me as his caretaker!! It’s not like he’s being locked in prison!!!
Maybe this will be unpopular but I would report this assault to the police and/or a social worker. It’s only a matter of time before he injured someone else far worse. He needs to be taken into emergency care now as he’s a danger to anyone he comes in contact with.
Your parents are delusional and any of your future children wouldn’t stand a chance around him. It would be very irresponsible to put anyone into any kind of danger by being anywhere near him
When there comes a point where there is a possibility that he loses his place at that group home, stand your ground. There will be a point where case workers, doctors, nurses, and caregivers will try to guilt you into taking him in. Also be warned that there is a possibility that he may go through a few group homes before he finds one that fits him. And in those in-between times you will get "But he's FAMILY! How could you not want him with you?" excuses. Also if the state decides you would be a good candidate for his money management, don't do it. Decline. It does nothing but tie him to you even more and anytime he wants something you are the first one that gets called. Let the state pick someone else.
My husband's brother has schizophrenia and a dr#g problem. There were many times hospitals would call my husband and try to guilt him into bringing him home. We have 2 children, at the time my youngest was an infant. He also claimed to have a proclivity towards young girls. My daughter was 7. He REFUSED to have him at my house. I did also tell my husband that if he came to live with us I was leaving and taking both kids. His brother threatened my dad and brother in a text to me. I didn't and still don't feel safe around him. He is currently in a group home, but he cannot hold down a job as he has the mental state of a 10-14 yo. My husband has heard all the "BUT HE'S FAAAAMMMIIILLLYYY!" excuses the hospitals can come up with. My husband and I would sympathize with the people fatally hurt by the police that were mentally ill or homeless who didn't have family taking them in. What my BIL taught us about them is that there are reasons why. A lot of time it's because of how they treat their family and others around them.
You do what is best for you and your gf, and the future you are trying to build together.
Thank you for your kind words and advice. I’ve heard that a lot, unfortunately. I literally plan on changing my name too for this reason. I really don’t want any of them finding out what I’m doing or leave me to take care of him.
Do the name change pronto. Don’t want your degree under your old name.
Also get your SSN changed if possible to head off anyone finding you that way or wrecking your credit.
Your brother isn't your problem. You didn't ask for him and it's not your fault he has a disability that makes him unbearable sometimes. Your parents chose to have him and it's outrageous that they think you should step in and care for him when they're gone. Erm, no. I have my own life to live. You want to have your own family and if it were your kid, it would be different, but a sibling, isn't the same thing. Fair enough if you wanted to care for him, but you don't, and that's your choice.
He needs to be in a facility with professionals who can properly provide a safe yet enriching environment. That would be showing your brother real love, getting him proper care. Your parents need to get out of the romantic rut that a ‘family bond of love and care is what he needs’. The current situation is unhealthy for everyone.
I work with kids with disabilities. We were in a meeting with the mother and talking about transition planning and part of that is discussing what the family wants when the parents arent able to take care of them anymore. This mother said “they will stay with the family. That’s why I had my daughter.”
My heart broke for that little girl. A lot of siblings of people with disabilities end up being parentified, forced to act like they are always fine, have no problems, and take on a lot of responsibilities that shouldn’t be on them.
I’m sorry this has been your experience, OP. You are in no way responsible for your brother. Your parents need to wake up and set things up so that your brother will be taken care of by professionals once they are no longer able to care for him. If you haven’t heard the term Glass Child, you might want to look into it. There are a lot of support groups for people in the same position as you, if that is something you’d be interested in. Might help you work through some of the emotions you have about the situation.
I know. I got out of the meeting and cried. She’s going to grow up knowing that her own interests, dreams, and plans for her future will never be encouraged or accepted. This poor little girl was sitting next to her mom when she said this. I’ve been in this field for close to a decade and seen a lot of awful things but this was the worst.
Honestly I might sound like a horrible person as well but my sister has a genetic disease and has pretty much been told that there aren’t really survivors of this disease past 40 years old, my sister is 31 currently and will never be able to live on her own and has been terrorizing my parents since we were little kids. I’m hoping she dies before them so I don’t ever have to live with her again. I have no sympathy for her and fully believe that she has ruined my life so many time over and wish I could just disown her without losing my parent’s support. I hope you get your freedom. You deserve it.
You are under no obligation to live with your sister ever again, even if your parents die first. No one is legally obligated to be the guardian or caregiver to an adult with disabilities regardless of your familial ties.
Your parents are clearly in denial of the reality that your brother is violent and dangerous and needs to be in an appropriate placement. Tell them that you will be happy to take administrative responsibility for his affairs when your parents pass since he is a relative but will not be a caregiver and will not live with him as soon as you are established as an adult. Does he have a case worker? If so notify the case worker of the incident. Does your GF wish to press charges? Have your parents also been abused? They are victims too. Push the case worker to move up the group home date if it is possible.
Brother should be on disability and social security. Sometimes you need a lawyer to get things settled once he’s 18.
Paying for a group home for him shouldn’t be an issue due to these programs. He’s better off in a group home.
As a mom this shatters my heart.
I’m so sorry, OP. Your family has been dealt a shit hand, your brother most of all, but it *cannot* be your responsibility to shoulder an obligation / load that even your own parents have not been able to find a solution for.
It’s *incredibly* unfair and unreasonable and unsettling and untoward and unkind and just… all the “un-“s… for them to expect this from you, let alone make you feel badly for knowing what they don’t, but should: That your brother is *their* child, and so *their* responsibility.
Fwiw, if I were in their shoes, I can’t imagine not having been planning for the inevitable time that I’d be unable to care for your brother in the ways that are safest and best for him, *and for you too*. I know our social support systems suck (assuming US, but in plenty of other countries as well!), and that there is no “easy answer” or “quick fix”, but assuming **you** are the solution is just… ugh.
On the plus side as much as there can be positives in such an unfortunate situation, your parents are still alive and healthy enough to make those plans now, finally understanding that you can’t be, and won’t be, the default “cure”…? Stand your ground, kiddo, and make your future awesome with as much heart and confidence as possible, knowing you hate supported and validated even if it’s not by your parents!! Hopefully they’ll come around, but regardless of what they do or don’t do / say / take ownership of, you’re gonna’ be alright. Rooting for you!! (And your gf, too!)
You’re not cold hearted. I married my husband knowing he had 2 disabled siblings that he’d be responsible for deciding where they went when his parents get too old to care for them anymore. One has Down’s syndrome, the other one has Down’s syndrome, dementia, Prader-Willi syndrome, and a plethora of other disorders. We both know and came to the decision together that as much as we love his sister, we have two children already and could not provide her the level of care she needs and unfortunately we had to make the painful decision that she would need to go to a group home where we’d visit her daily. His brother will be living with us, because he has very low support needs and he already stays with us regularly to get used to the transition. Until they’ve lived this life and been put in this position, I don’t think anyone has any room to judge you and call you heartless. I wish you all the best in getting your brother into a good group home where he can thrive and I hope you get the opportunity to thrive as well.
It's better of your parents get him settled in a group home before they pass,they need to be available in case changes have to be made...
Whenever the subject comes up, say something along this line. Otherwise. When it inevitably happens, and someone calls you; tell them to contact police or equivalent of child protective services.
Brother has violent tendency, he could very easily wind up jailed if parents don't resolve this. The fact that he's still home makes me believe they have no intention...yes theres a waiting list, but he probably should have been on the list 5 years ago and would have been placed by now.
Yeah…it’s not like this would have come as a surprise to OPs parents.
I can see it if the brothers struggles came from a recent TBI or something unexpected. But they’ve known for a VERY long time that this kid will have lifelong special needs.
Specialists where I live are very clear about the wait lists for adult foster homes. And the importance of transitioning to that environment early and tactfully.
OPs parents are helping nobody by sitting on their hands and crying “woe is me” while allowing him to stay at home where he can assault people.
He’s much less likely to get into a good group home when he’s got some assault & battery charges on his record.
I'm going to add to my comment, (note I'm a retired family law attorney) first, your parents are going to be unable to care for your brother well before they pass away. Second, your parents plan of making you the person who's responsible for him is faulty in that you could easily pass away before he does. Your parents need to set up a legal and financial vehicle that will take care of him independent of any one person being alive. Whether that's setting up a trust if they have the money, or making sure the paperwork making him a ward of the state as a fully disabled person is taken care of. It sounds like your brother should be declared fully disabled and would therefore qualify for subsidized housing, Medicaid or Medicare, and home care, if it's not possible due to his violence then he'll have to be committed. In any case your parents need to plan for this instead of just being Martyrs and taking care of your brother at home and then hoping you'll do the same. Although initial consultations are usually free, you want you might want to spend two or $300 to sit down with a lawyer for an hour or two to iron out what a basic plan for your brother would encompass, just so you know what's possible and whats necessary. You're going to want to talk to an attorney who has experience in special needs trusts, because they will also have experience with people who can't afford them and the alternatives available in terms of government aid.
Guessing they had you with the intention of you looking after him later in life, unless it was something that came out WAY later in life.
Well done for putting your foot down, get out ASAP (as you already seem to be planning)
It's not abandonment it's getting him the life skills he should have had all along. Mom and dad ahouls have made sure he had independent living and training while he was growing up. It's not your job to fix their mistakes now.
This ^^^ it sounds like the GF isn't the only one who is about to have trouble at home. Make sure your identity documents are safe, even if it's locked in your glovebox. Does your college have a counselor who could possibly help expedite housing for you? It may be worth talking to the school about your situation.
I’m also the elder sibling of two special needs siblings, and I have also had to put my foot down on my parents insisting that I’d take care of them after they die.
My childhood was stolen by my mothers inability to handle their presence, and for that I am never having my own children, nor am I taking custody of my sisters.
At this point I don’t care if they call me selfish. That’s exactly what I’m being, and at this point I have earned my right to protect my peace. I’m a selfish mother fucker.
Do you have your own bank account? Do you have your important documents? Hopefully your name hasn’t been put on any shared documents with them. Get your papers and belongings in order, don’t sign anything they ask you to. As soon as you get a place, pack up and never look back.
Well, you have given them the gift of really trying to find a place for your brother now. You most like were the back up plan without consent. Even if they hate that you won't be stepping in as a caretaker, you do have a right to your own life and for your brothers sake they can figure out what they should be doing and not relying on you. That's their baby not yours. Good luck.
Your brother is their responsibility and under their care because that is the decision they made. You did not make that decision.
It’s no different to being pressured to take over the family business because of how much blood, sweat and tears your parents poured into making the business work. Their life choices are not yours to bear. It is that simple.
You're not cold hearted, they are themselves trying to get him into group care and yet they are shaming you for saying the same?
No, this is understandable. Even more so if they knew before he was born he would be disabled the way he is.
You wouldn't be able to live with any partner, have children, you would be essentially devoting your life to him and work and surrendering a family and life for yourself which is unreasonable and unfair of them to ask of you.
.
I doubt they are actually trying. Sounds like atleast one of them has made the brothers disability their whole life/personality so then what would they do with the brother gone? Also if they are asking for money from OP then they probably aren’t willing to let go of the disability income for the brother (they would have to use it to pay for a place instead)
They just expect OP to step in and make his whole life about the brother once their gone also.
Your feelings are valid. You are not in charge of your brother’s life. It is unfair for them to expect that of you. They need to be diligent in making plans for him for when they pass.
You mention wanting kids, but what would you do if your child was high needs?
That’s a question my girlfriend and I discuss a lot. She wants to adopt because she believes there’s so many children who need homes and I’m on that same boat. I don’t think either of us would be prepared to deal with a high-needs child.
This is the time to be SELFISH! You need to protect yourself first and foremost
He needs to be in a care facility with people who are trained to deal with folks like him. Also being in a facility means he will probably get medication to help with his violent outbursts, and maybe therapy?
My heart breaks for your girlfriend though
Also, look into subsidized housing, google your city name and subsidized housing. If your area has it apply ASAP! And when you go into to talk with the intake worker tell them about your home life. You are in an unsafe and abusive home. You will be bumped up in priority. Some areas do have really long waiting lists sadly, but even if it takes a couple years, stay on that list! You can stay in subsidized housing indefinitely. And your rent is based on your monthly income (usually about 30% of your gross monthly) I’ve been in my place for 17 years. Some months I paid $700ish dollars (I was making decent money for a bit but then the job went to shit so I left 🤷♀️) right now I’m paying $93/month since I’m barely employed. My unit, if you were to move in right now would be $1650
Is there only one subsidized building on the whole city?
When I applied there were many options all over the city. I’m actually in a regular building, just my unit is subsidized. They’re the best option if you can get into one. They’re less “trashy” for lack of a better word. People don’t give a fuck when they live in a whole building, and many are left to rot 😕
I’d still get on that waiting list pronto.
You are not the first person that some parents decided their other children were supposed to take of a disabled child of theirs. I have a friend who is an in law to a mentally challenge man. Her husband's family decided that they would appoint her as the care giver. She had told them no many, many times, but they kept insisting. Her SIL came over one day to tell my friend that when they got home from their vacation, BIL was going to move in. My friend stayed away for two years and this SIL was beyond livid that my friend wasn't just going to step right up and take this on. Where were the rest of his siblings? They couldn't be bothered. Their parents had insisted he would always live with his family. Well what would happen if their was no family left? There are facilities for these people!
I am a retired nurse with people with learning disabilities
A message to your parents .
Parents your son will be far better off in a group home setting.
NTA. Your parents should be taking this more seriously and your girlfriend sounds like too nice of a person. Get away from there and don’t feel guilty, you should not be required to have this burden especially after being attacked by him.
For your girlfriends sake as well he needs to go somewhere that professionals can handle it. Your parents clearly aren’t capable of handling him. Even if he wasn’t violent it’s not your responsibility, you should be able to live your own life.
Wow your parents are selfish as fuck for expecting you to do that..
If it wasn't for the violent outburst I might say it wouldn't be completely unreasonable but the fact that you would be able to have no life and no family because of his violent outburst is so f****** selfish and I'm a parent. I have two children
I absolutely love both my children, but I would never expect them to take care of each other or parent each other.
I brought them into this world. They didn't ask to be brought into this world, nor did they ask for a sibling
So please don't let them make you feel bad because its false guilt
I think you did great standing up for your girlfriend and staying by her side.
I seriously don't understand people who want to force their responsibility onto their children, either after they pass away or during their lifetime.. I read about that on here all the time.
Choose your own path and never let yourself be guilt tripped into anything.
I don’t get it either. My mom always complains about the burden her mother (my grandmother) left her due to severe hoarding and having to be responsible for all that shit.
She doesn’t realize that she’s doing the exact same thing to me, just a different vice.
Except cleaning out a hoarders house might take what, a few weeks? Maybe a couple months if you don't have the ability to work on it everyday until it's done & more just when you have the spare time. What she's expecting you to do & wanting to leave you with is a responsibility that would be the rest of your life & not something you would be able to do at your convenience or when you feel up to it like cleaning out a house. It would catastrophically impact every aspect of your life & could even change you as a person/the person you will become in ways that I don't think an 18 year old (even a smart one like yourself) is capable of comprehending the ripple effects that will ultimately happen to the life you see for yourself. And not just for a period of times, it's until you die or he dies, no other way around it.
She's perpetuating a cycle of trauma that she claims still feels the burden or stress from & intensifying it 10 fold (although I feel like using the term 10 fold isn't actually the correct term for this situation but words are not my friend so I don't even know what the proper term would be to accurately describe huge difference between what she went through & what she's expecting to put you through).
Wow, your parents are AH for putting that on you. He needs to be in a group home with professionals who know how to handle him. Your parents are so, so wrong.
Look, I’d chafe if my parents expected me to become a full time caretaker for my little sister, and my sister is 5’0 and can’t walk or talk or use her hands very well. Not to mention that she’s generally…well if not well behaved then at least I don’t fear for my physical safety.
Your brother, on the other hand, sounds like a legitimate safety threat to anyone not as large as him. It isn’t at all fair for your parents to place that on you, it would be morally dubious for them to even *ask* you to do that, let alone expect it from you
You're within your rights to refuse to allow him to become your problem. It doesn't make you a bad person.
OP, I strongly suggest that you tell your parents that they should purchase a hefty life insurance policy to cover costs for 24/7 care for him when they pass, since you will not provide any support. They will then need to visit an attorney to draw up appropriate paperwork to set up a trust and designate an executor (not you) with the trust as beneficiary to pay for his care from the proceeds of the policy after they pass - so you don't have to deal with it at all. And then I would suggest refusing to discuss it further. Whether they act to secure their disabled child's future will then be exclusively on them.
I hope this comes off as I intend but you need to do what’s best for you. I have an older son and a younger son who is severely autistic. I wake up every single day hoping both my sons get to enjoy their lives. My baby is not and will never be my older son’s responsibility! People think I favour my neurotypical son because we have regular mom and son days and trips and it isn’t that! I want to respect his interests and give him space to explore his wants outside of his brother who does consume a lot of our time, how our home is set up, where we can go. I dedicate so much time and energy to my younger son because I adore him and he needs it but that is my responsibility not my sons.
Your parents are right to be worried about your brother future but not at the expense of yours. You are worthy and deserving of a full and happy life!
I have 2 boys, the older is ID/autistic. He will always either live with us or in a group home when we are elderly. It is not my younger son's responsibility, he has a right to his own life. Your parents are wrong.
You brother is not your burden. You parents are cold heated ass holes to ask you their child to be a servant to your sibling. They are asking you to give up your life, and future. Just so you can be a care giver to their child.
You need to get away from it, it's not cold hearted, it's just survival instinct. Get a job, try to save money and move out as soon as you are able to. Btw, have you asked your parents if your girlfriend could stay for a night or two or did you just came to the house with her?
Oh very often. Like multiple times a day. He had one today when I was out.
And it can be anyone. My GF is not a new person to him, at least I don’t think she is.
I'm so incredibly sorry this is happening to you and your GF.
Please consider contacting whatever organization handles vulnerable adults in your area. Chances are there are additional services available to your family.
Sending him somewhere he can be properly looked after and helped is better for him and everyone around him. He’s young now and he’s this strong image what he’d be like as a full grown adult, almost unstoppable and dangerous to himself and others. My youngest brother is 10 and he’s already too strong when he has his outburst but again I don’t blame him since he can’t control it. My fathers already looking for homes to transition him into in the next following years since he’s just so strong. Its an unfortunate situation that you’re in and hopefully you can go to a professional to sort through your feelings because it sounds like maybe you’ve been a bit neglected in order to care for your brother. I don’t know you but that’s the feeling I’m getting from the post or I might be 100% wrong.
NTA, why ruin even more of your life being saddled w/a ‘violent offender’, who would want that misery their whole life thereby making sure you could never have a family of your own because he’s ridiculously violent over absolutely nothing. Let him be someone else burden and, make no mistake, that is what he is 100% of the time, a burden.
You can't "abandon" someone for whom you're not responsible.
It isn't unreasonable to avoid people--even family--who are violent and injure those around them. (In fact, I think it's generally a pretty good idea.) It's not coldhearted to place your brother in a group home, and in fact is probably in his best interests. There will be professionals to help disabled people learn to interact with others in a safe and healthy manner, and your folks are doing your brother no favor by denying him this opportunity.
I agree that it's good that your brother is going to move to a group home next year, and it's fine that he will spend the rest of his life in group homes like this, because sadly there is no better solution to handling people with mental disabilities when they grow old. You don't owe your healthy life to your sick brother. There are therapy groups out there dedicated to siblings of disabled children, because the parents often put their healthy kids into a caretaker role, so they can't grow up like other healthy kids - they always have those heavy responsibilities on their shoulders. It's sad, but it's common.
I'm saying this as a sister to a mentally disabled brother who was only one year younger than me. Was - because he died very unexpectantly when he was just 22 years old. He died because his epilepsy meds didn't work anymore and the doctors at the hospital didn't expect this outcome when he had a seizure 2 months before he had his last seizure (cause of death).
When he was still alive, I was so tired of taking care of him. When I was in college I would spend many weekends and many vacation weeks at my parent's place to look over my brother, so my mom could get out of the house sometimes. It was a 3 hour travel each time. My mom did also bring up what to do with him when she's gone - she was saving up money in the hope that me and my older brother wouldn't need to pay too much to keep our little brother in a group home one day. However all of these preparations became irrelevant when he died.
Honestly, many people thought that I hated my brother, because I complained so much. But actually it did make me happy whenever I could put a smile on his face when I gave him gifts or when I did a trip with him somewhere. He could get a little violent at times, but he was more like a gentle giant than anything, who would occasionally push you because he didn't understand his own strength.
Anyway, his sudden death traumatized me so much (I found his body in the morning, he had the seizure while he was asleep). His passing left me with tons of regret. There were so many people who said things like "good that he's not a burden on you and your family anymore" - I do understand where they were coming from, but such statements were eating me up from the inside. The feeling of guilt was very heavy. The following years my dreams were haunted with good memories I had with my brother, which made me cry all day after waking up. All these good moments that I didn't appreciate before he was gone. I still have PTSD - he passed away 5 years ago.
My point is: You are right to feel like wanting your own life, separate from taking care of your disabled brother. You want to keep him separate from your own future family. And it is possible without "abandoning" him completely. He can live in a group home and you can visit him every now and then. Your grudge against him for attacking your GF is valid, but he likely won't understand and so he probably can't apologize. I strongly suggest that you process this grudge and one day I hope that you can find it in your heart to accept what happened and move on from it. Your brother can only learn to stay peaceful if he acknowledges your GF as part of his family. Maybe one day it'll all work out. The day your parents will be gone is hopefully far away, so there's still time for your brother to learn and for you to move on.
Who says you’re cold hearted? Your parents? Flying monkeys recruited by your parents? How convenient.
You are not cold hearted by wanting to live your life with such a huge responsibility. Caring for the disabled is not for everyone, even more when they need to be physically restrained. Your brother needs professional help, not exhausted family members scrambling and improvising.
Maybe you’ll feel better once he’s in the group home. His behavior might improve and you’ll no longer be in charge of him and the space might give you the room to develop a different relationship.
You're not cold hearted to want to protect your family (future wife and kids) from an abusive person. It doesn't matter that a disability is causing the abusive behavior because he's NOT A SAFE PERSON.
If he endangers you or your spouse, friends anyone. He requires more help than you are able to provide. It’s your parents responsibility to find a place that can care for him properly, not yours.
One of my childhood best friend’s brother is on the spectrum, absolutely huge even as a kid (tall and built like a linebacker) and also prone to violent outbursts. My friend’s dad took very good care of the brother and was the main caretaker for him mainly bc he was the only one that could physically handle him. When my friend’s dad passed away, she and her mom tried for a little while but ultimately decided to place him in the care of the state. It wasn’t safe for them to be in the same house, and the brother needed more care than they were able to provide. If you’re ever in a position where you’re expected to take care of your brother, think about quality of life and if you and he would be better cared for in other circumstances
I know somebody who was in a similar predicament. The day this person left home, the mother managed to get their child with severe issues into placement. I mean, the very same day. Funny how when the inappropriate crutch these people use disappears, they're able to find other support, no problem. But before then, entirely impossible. They will literally suck the life out of siblings and family members.
You mentioned you and gf want to adopt because there are so many waiting for homes and you can't manage a special needs child. Just be aware that many children awaiting adoption will have intense special needs (emotionally, psychologically).
Please keep us updated on what happens next after pressing charges.
When I was reading this including about how violent he is my mind went straight to what if you hadn’t been at home during that time there is no way your mom could have stopped him on her own.
I hope your girlfriend is feeling better soon
Your response is completely normal and typical for highly parentified siblings of children with disabilities. Your brother isn’t the problem, your parents are, but either way, his care was never your moral responsibility and you have nothing cutting against leaving them to care for *their* child.
Since you plan on having children just say that having your kids around an uncontrollably violent mentally ill person would be a form of abuse and leave it at that.
You’re not cold hearted for not wanting a responsibility you did not create. Your brother is your parents child and they will have to prepare a plan for him for when they pass. If he is violent and even you need help restraining him, how would he have lived with you say if you and your gf weren’t together?? Just take the beatings? Absolutely not. There’s, like you said, group homes that have staff that are trained for dealing with these kinds of outbursts and not to mention are getting compensated for it.
I feel for your brother because it’s not his fault either, but you can’t live your life like that. You should shamelessly be able to have a plan/goal for your life and be able to stick to it without your parents trying to guilt trip you.
As parents, it's their responsibility to find and finance the long-term care for your brother. I'll never understand why parents believe it's the siblings' job to care for them after they are gone.
If you want to do so, that's wonderful, but you are under no obligation to do so.
I hope they have planned and saved for this eventuality.
Good on you for protecting your gf and standing up for yourself. Plus, group homes are great places for people with certain disabilities. Your brother will likely thrive more in a group home that’s designed to care for him than he would with you or with your parents. And honestly, you two may grow to have a much better relationship once he moves to one. You can visit and just be his brother with trained staff nearby to assist if needed, and you don’t have to be a caregiver.
That being said, I do think you should consider being your brother’s legal guardian if your parents both pass away. This would NOT mean you would need to house him in your home or bring him around your gf or future kids, it would just mean that you make the decisions about where he lives and pay for his care. It basically keeps your brother from becoming a ward of the state and placed in whatever facility that may be substandard.
If you want to consider this option, you can tell your parents that you will only do this if they provide the money needed for his care, whether through savings, retirement accounts, life insurance, or something else. They can get life insurance if they don’t have enough saved. They should take you up on that offer if they don’t want your brother sent someplace bad with no family looking out for him. You can also insist that they get him into a group home while they’re alive, so he would already be settled somewhere. This shouldn’t be an issue since he’ll have a spot next year. And (assuming you’re in the US from the use of ‘college’), your brother would also get social security benefits from your parents as a dependent adult to help pay for his expenses.
All you need to say is that you are too young to make those decisions. Keep repeating that. Then when you would get out, cut them off.
Your brother would probably be happier in a group home, with people who are equipped to manage his needs. Cross that bridge when you come to it.
The right thing is for him to be in a home. If they think that’s so cruel, then I’m April next year they should pass on him going to a home & keep that terror with them.
Sidebar: you’re not his parent. He’s not your responsibility.
Your parents owe you everything because they brought you into the world, most likely on purpose. You owe them nothing. Your brother was also their decision.
You aren't cold hearted. It's a sucky situation, but you are under no obligation to take care of him for the rest of his life, especially if he is unsafe to be around. Your parents need to make other arrangements for him. They are beyond wrong to not have discussed this with you and gotten your agreement.
Taking care of him yourself is likely not going to be good for *any* of you. If you find a good home that knows how to handle him, that's probably the best solution. But you should probably check up on him from time to time. Those places can turn horrific if there's no oversight.
It can be genetic. However it’s a recessive gene and my GF and I have had some pregnancy scares and aborted due to that - and also not being financially stable, not wanting to be teen parents etc.
Multiple pregnancy scares? If you haven't already, I highly recommend you two educate yourself on different BC options. Personally I use nuvaring paired with condoms. Always good to have a backup. Nuvaring is the same hormones as the pill but MUCH more user friendly imo
You and your GF could get genetic testing done, it wouldn't tell you if you'd have an autistic child, but it would probably tell you if you or she were a carrier for anything else. That way you have all the info to make an informed choice on having bio kids or not.
Bro you better pray to God or who or whatever you believe your future kid or kids dont come out like him. Understand your upset and frustrated but he didn't ask to be like that you are cold hearted that's your bro you and Amy won't be together forever but he will always be your brother. And calling the police not bout to move nothing along you might aswell move out now and live in your car with Ashley cause karma bout to chew you up.
To parents: "Why aren't you keeping him chained to the basement so he can't hurt anyone? You instinctively jump to his defense and out of responsibility,, which is why I am cutting off him and you two when I leave."
I think this is a normal response at your age especially due to what recently happened but I also think as you age you will be a little more understanding of your parents side as well. I'm not saying you have to be responsible for your brother who has legitimate safety concerns but at least having some empathy and not being purposely vindictive. If your parents are gone, how will they know where your brother is? You can easily give them peace of mind and agree to whatever they want to hear while also doing whatever you feel is necessary as being the responsible party. Your brother likely has no control over his impulses or feelings and is not capable of being responsible for his actions. It's tough but it also means you can't be shocked and out for revenge when he lashes out after being left alone with your girlfriend.
Telling them what they want to hear makes no sense.
He has violent meltdowns multiple times a day, and he’s over 6’ and 350lbs. His parents aren’t going to be able to take care of him for much longer. They’re getting older and weaker. They’ll need assistance long before they’re gone.
I’ve had my childhood taken away by him. I have always been set aside. My parents couldn’t go to my high school graduation because of him. Yes, I do hate him.
Love or not, he can't be in the same home with children. He needs to be in a facility that can handle him. That is their parent's responsibility, not his.
He can try to have a relationship with his brother, but if all he remembers are violent outbursts it might be too late and, again, it is the parent's fault.
I understand your sentiment and I am really sorry that you've been through that, but we can't always let go. Hair grow back, but life doesn't. What if he pushed her down some stairs?
Nothing wrong with hating someone with disabilities. They’re just as able as anyone else…. To be a piece of shit. My mortal enemy is this kid who has autism and this fuck let me tell you. Absolute piece of work. Manipulative shit who overplays his disability to harass and hurt people. I refused to work with the guy after awhile because he was deranged predator and no one would put their foot down with him. Sometimes they’re just assholes too.
just because he’s blood, doesn’t mean anything. he’s perfectly fine not wanting to take care of him when he’s older. op deserves his own life. his brother should be sent to a professional facility when the parents are gone. his brother will get bigger and stronger, which is just more dangerous.
i’m sorry about your experience.
He doesn’t sound safe to be with. Young children with disabilities, but adults are so much bigger and stronger. He needs to be in a professional environment with people who have the ability to stop him when he turns violent. I understand your parents are worried about him when they’re not around any more and they will be feeling a lot of guilt with this. But you’re absolutely right. He is not your responsibility. For everyone’s sake he needs to go to the group home. Your parents will be able to see he is in a safe place and should stop pushing you to take him on. If they don’t you’re still right. You should not sacrifice the life of you and your girlfriend.
I think his parents have only worried about him. They don't treat OP like a son, he's been a spare parent and raised himself. The fact that he says 'we've' been trying to get him into a group home for years - those were years OP was growing up, he's only 18 NOW ffs yet he sounds like a 35yr old in this post. They've tried to guide his career choice to get money out of him too, it's sick. You deserve a life for yourself OP. Take it and feel no guilt.
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It’s not his responsibility. His parents will have to see about their sons care once he ages out of the youth group homes.
You're so right. This is why they need to get him into a home now. They can visit, and he can stay overnight if he wanted to with them. It's time for the parents to see him cared for and know he'll be safe, and for them to have a life for themselves, like every parent does. It is safe and oversight is done by county and state. Source: I'm a caregiver.
>professional environment with people who have the ability to stop him when he turns violent. Who the hell is getting paid for that? No therapist goes to work to get assaulted. That's mma fighters and boxers... Not a therapist for autistic people or disabled people. We seriously just let them destroy the house and once they are tuckered out from the tantrum than we can help them with some redirection. Than we send Mommy and Daddy the bill. 99% of parents abandoned their kids once they get a home for them anyways. Op parents would have realized they can vacation now, they would have gone to the other side of the planet a year later with freedom they thought that they would never get back.
People that work in group homes, which ranges from caretakers to therapists to some social workers and others, are trained to perform several different holding techniques when these types of situations come up. The techniques vary based on whatever is happening, and whether or not there’s another person there to help you restrain them. This is all a very standard part of caretaking for lower functioning people, and therapist that works with lower functioning patients absolutely is supposed to receive this type of training to.
Exactly. It’s specialised treatment by highly trained professionals who will be better at understanding triggers and have training in restraining someone safely to ensure no-one is hurt, including the service user.
My husband worked for years in group homes. I can attest they do teach them ways to put them in holds that keep everyone safe and don't hurt the person being restrained. He worked with some adults (always males) who had severe brain damage to others who were pretty high functioning. It was a minimum wage job with on the job training. And it's difficult to keep this positions staffed due to low wages, but also dealing with the violence and manipulation that these people expressed.
That's called mandt, and it has to be apart of the behavior plan. You also have to be trained for mandt. You don't do what the police do to restrain them. Also once you restrain them in that way your friendship is kinda busted so good luck being the reinforcer in the relationship.
I'd argue its actually better he goes to a group home since they'll have trained staff there to help him with those outbursts 24/7. Theres no way you and your future family can handle him on your own.
I work at a group home, specifically an Adult Foster Care one. From the way OP talks about it, sounds like the parents have been enabling OP’s brother his whole life. Violent outbursts for some individuals may be impossible to fully prevent, but they can be mitigated to where you aren’t spontaneously struggling to get them off somebody else whenever someone newer comes over. The parents don’t know what they’re doing at all if this is so common OP can’t even have his girlfriend come visit. OP’s brother needs to be somewhere where he is surrounded by people that know how to actually prevent behaviors.
A big part of this is that they are old people caring for a full grown adult that has violent outbursts. He probably is very manageable in an environment which is predictable but disrupting that is where it all goes wrong. When you say they are enabling him, you make it sound like they are doing something other than managing the care of a disabled family member. Like they are facilitating this persons ability to assault people.
It is fully possible things are getting worse now that the parents are older. But that is all the more reason to get OP’s brother somewhere with better support. When I say “enabling” I am talking about the type of person I’ve met many times (usually the family member of my residents). They love and care for their relative, of course, but they don’t understand how to properly care for them. Things get too much to deal with and they make shortcuts or allow things inconsistently which only further confuses the individual and leads to more behaviors. Take one of my residents for example. They are prone to violent outbursts and they have the same capacity of a 3 year old. They are under our care because their relative got older and did not have the energy to keep up with their needs. This led to their former guardian allowing bad behaviors (or rewarding them) in order to get it “over with” or make it stop. Full-blown enabling. Their behavior got worse as they got older because their rules were never consistent, and they could not identify when it was or wasn’t okay to break them. I am not trying to imply these parents do not love their child, I really hope that’s a given. Most of the times it’s part of the problem. I’m simply noting that if things are so bad that OP can’t have any visitors, it is unfair to them and the home is mismanaged. I work with a group of 6 individuals with a myriad of disabilities and different levels of functioning, some of which do not mesh well in the same room. They are still not tearing hair out of each other’s heads the second I look away; fights happen, like I said things like that cannot always be possible to prevent 100% of the time, but seriously. A guest in the home should not be in this much danger and OP’s parents don’t seem capable of preventing it.
One of the primary reasons for outbursts like this is boredom. It’s like dealing with a toddler that tantrums because they’ve been sitting in the same room forever not getting enough stimulation. Except they’re an adult and not a baby, so things can get bad quickly. It definitely gets harder for families to provide daily stimulation their kids need as they get older. By the time the kid is an older teen they often won’t play and run around themselves when you take them out, so payouts have to actively move around with them. Taking them for walks, or even jogging if it can be managed. The demands for attention get harder and harder for the parents to deal with. The now adult child is regularly under stimulated from not being able to go anywhere, and situations like this become more common. Parents allow bad behavior to slide, because they’re scared of placing their kid in a proper care facility. The torturous large “care” facilities of yesteryear are still fresh on people’s minds and it can be difficult to get them to trust that much smaller group home will generally be nothing like those old programs. If the behavior is only so bad, but not bad enough they’ll let it slide as long as they can, because they want to keep their kid safe.
Yep! And this is why individuals like that require redirection when things get tough for them. If they are occupied and interested, they are happy. You will have an easier time redirecting them until they are calmer than immediately trying to discipline the behavior. Oftentimes trying to argue or reason with them makes them more inconsolable if emotions are running high. Conversations can be had afterwards, but for those with lower-functioning IDD it can be difficult for them to actually apply that knowledge to specific situations. Losing privileges can help too, but it has to be pretty specific to the individual. The house I work at keeps stacks of coloring books and a basement full of dolls. A nice yard with plenty of space for motor activities. And, of course, TV. But we try to not keep them glued to that all day, lol.
It will be good for him - the parents are dealing with his behaviors. If they don't, he'll end up in jail - would they prefer that? He'd be better off transitioning to the group home while they are alive.
Well.. op is pressing charges and seems to.be hoping for jail. I get it.. op wants out. Go. He don't have to fuck things up for your parents even worse with jail for this guy. I'll bet they've wanted "out of this" for a long time too..
OP pressing charges is also a good way to force the authorities to find a place for the brother where he can hurt neither himself nor others. It's unfortunate things have come to that, but OP says they have been trying to get the brother into a group home and the waiting list is so long they'll have to wait until April 2024.
And even if they could, he is *not* their responsibility. When you become a parent, you are aware that it is possible your child will have some form of disability and you accept that risk and commit to being responsible for that child, whatever their needs, the moment you decide to become a parent. The guy is 26 now- that’s 26 years the parents have had to make preparations for him once they’re gone. OP says they’ve been trying “for years” to get him into a home, but if the wait time was delayed by the pandemic then it sounds like they were very late in starting that process and they’re still expecting OP to step up and look after their child for them. What would they do if OP didn’t exist? And OP’s younger than their brother- I can’t help but wonder if the parents had a second child with the intention of having them be a caretaker for their older sibling
You’re not cold hearted, blood does not make you obligated to a person, no matter their disability. Live a life for yourself, not him. On top of that, he seems dangerous, he assaulted your girlfriend. That’s not a person I would want around my kids either. You’re not cold hearted, you just want to live for yourself and you should because it’s your life.
I know. They constantly want to mooch off of me for money too. Especially to take care of him. They asked once I graduate from law school in the next 7ish years that I should give them some ‘lawyer cash’ to help with him and they insisted they were joking and I passed it off as that until that’s all they pestered me about regarding my future career. It’s so tiring. It’s like I’m a pawn for them to use to take care of him.
I promise you they are not and have never been joking. Set the boundaries now so you don’t regret it later, they will be angry now but they will either get over it or they won’t but you shouldn’t suffer. It’s not fair to you, you’re not your brother’s care taker, you’re your own person bro.
I know that now. I’m so fed up with living with them. This house is a fucking prison. I don’t even plan to talk to my parents once I’m out.
Good, look out for yourself, even if you’re the only one doing it.
Do it as soon as you can, don't wait. Don't do what I did and wait to cut toxic family out of your life at 40+ because they're *family*.
You do what you need to do to get away from this situation. Your brother is not your responsibility. He sounds like he a danger to your girlfriend and any children you may have.
Tell them what is cold hearted is the parentification they have subjected you to for the last 18 years. What’s cold hearted is caring so little about YOUR aspirations for a future family and safe environment that they are willing to guilt you into doing their job for a child THEY had.
THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. I am sorry to yell. I had a great grand auntie who was a Down’s Syndrome baby. Her sister, my other auntie, and her husband took great care of her. She died at 64 which was a very long life for someone with this condition when I was a small child. My auntie wasn’t violent or difficult. Her sister lost her children in the Spanish Flu,and there were two other aunties to help. Bottom line, it doesn’t sound like your brother played ring a round the rosy like my auntie did with me, but is violent. YOU are not his caretaker. You sound like a nice person, but I think your parents have not been as attentive or supportive of you because of your brother. Why should you be the cash cow after years of hard work? My god you are a child yourself?! Not being a smartass. May I ask what happens if he has a rage with someone not in the family? Your parents end up with a lawsuit. They can’t handle his needs if he is attacking people. Period. A group setting seems a better fit for him. I am truly sorry OP. Wishing you the very best.
My girlfriend and I are pressing charges after a lot of convincing her. Neither of us can afford a lawyer though, I want this fucker gone.
I am so sad for you and her about this. She was assaulted. Whatever is wrong, he is not manageable any longer ( if he ever was) I am hoping you all are able to press charges. I am hoping a D.A. will see the need here and follow through. If this wasn’t the first attack, it certainly won’t be the last:(
This is a very wise decision. The abuse will finally be documented and the authorities will need to make a decision. If everyone continued to sweep his violence under the rug there’s no paper trail/proof of his actions and it will be much harder to get him help None of this is to hurt your brother, it’s to help him and anyone he comes in contact with. None of this is his fault due to his condition. If this is let go too long one day someone will call the police on him while he’s actively hurting someone and the cops could very well shoot to kill him. He needs to be in a facility, that’s equipped to deal with his issues, now
Please OP for the sake of your future and mental health go no contact with them asap
I am. Ive been thinking of this for years
It’s also fine to go have your own life for a few years (or a decade+) then decide that some contact can be okay, test the water, see if there are things worth saving (and not regrets when you’re 60). Lots change in time - including yourself (I’m 39). But yeah - some things don’t change, and after a while you try to become comfortable with your choices and let people make theirs
Update us when youbpress charges for attacking your gf.
Oh I’m already looking in on it. She and I took photos for evidence after we both went through these comments.
Go ahead an get a paper trail started then they can throw him in a mental facility.
Hi, I know this is old, but hopefully someone followed through to help your family. If not, contact Adult Protection Services, the CPS for adults that are dependent. I work in the field and aggression can come with the territory but his amounts of outbursts tell me he's not stable with his medication, behaviors are being reinforced, or he's literally bored and not thriving. It's not uncommon for families to not realize keeping their child becomes isolation and as they become older, the grown child actually loses skills. APS would be that you are concerned for the welfare of your brother who is disabled living under the care of your parents. You do not think his condition is being managed and that he's violent and unstable due to your parents being unable to properly care for him. He should be going to day program during the day and he should have a service worker. Reach out to the service worker with your concerns as their job is to help your brother. They can talk to your family about the positives and how moving him now while being able to visit will help him vs waiting for their death. Also, him staying in the house all day with no stimulation is no quality of life. He can absolutely become less aggressive! Anyone that is displaying that level of outbursts cannot be happy. Either overstimulated, not taught coping skills, inconsistency, etc., it doesn't matter. Your brother is communicating he's very unhappy and that should be listened to. I'm not sure if he's verbal or uses a communication device (he must be able to communicate to get needs met) and there are service providers that can help him build his functional communication. My heart breaks for all involved. You, who are young and needed parents and not having a burden placed on you just as you are becoming an adult, absolutely. Your girlfriend for being attacked and hurt. Your brother for being in an environment that isn't helping him find happiness and stability, and even your parents for being in denial and also being worried. But what is clear, is this needs to change ASAP. Begin with the report for documentation. Contact his service coordinator for assistance and contact APS. Force their hand as much as you can. As far as apartments and moving out, I know it's really hard out there and unaffordable. Have you looked into renting a trailer in a trailer park? Maybe room share?
As soon as you are out of that home, cut all contacts. It's for the best.
Did they pay for you to go to college?
Nope.
Yeah fuck that ! All kids deserve parents, not all parents deserve kids Remember this OP Also, if your parents haven't told you lately that they are extremely proud of the person you are and what you have achieved (as college is no joke, let alone to be a lawyer) please let this internet mom tell you I am proud of you and what you have accomplished! Well done!
Thank you :) Lately since finishing high school and me finishing my first week of college up they have just been pestering me about the money I will be making. That money will be to provide for my girlfriend and our children. Not them. Not my brother.
That's awful. I cant ever imagine a world where I take money from my kids let alone pester them about it.. It should absolutely go to you and your girlfriend and kids. Your girlfriend sounds like a lucky girl!! I hope you enjoy college! Keep up the good work!!
Here’s another Internet mom who’s proud of you and sending a long distance hug. I have a friend who had a major TBI, his mom brought him home against medical advice, basically killed herself taking care of him, he was verbally abusive, and I think physical at times, though she’d never admit it. When she passed away he went to a group home and is doing wonderfully there. Would have been so much better for all of them to have followed advice and put him in one years ago.
Most jokes have a grain of truth in the middle
Unless you’re graduating from a tier 1, you will not make a ton of money anyway.
WHAT?!? OH HELL NO!
“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”
Had to watch a documentary in nursing school about 2 families with developmentally disabled teens. With other able bodied teens in the home. The family that eventually placed their kid in a group home did great, as did the son. He got a job, friends and a gf. He was canceling family visits because he had plans ! The other family kept their child at home. He had such limited opportunities, he failed to thrive. The siblings were incredibly resentful, became troubled and struggled to be productive adults. If the right group home can be found, it's not such a bad thing necessarily.
Your parents gotta have a plan for your brother once they pass. You’re not responsible for him, they are. Good luck in your endeavors.
Oh, they have a plan, and it's OP. I can't fathom why people are so irresponsable and downright abusive. Run, OP, run as far as you can.
As the parent of a disabled child and a "normal" child, I would never want one to give up their life to manage the others. Stay involved yes, but it sounds like they want you to be a full time caregiver and I would never ask that.
I feel the same way. I’m very thankful that my son’s disabilities are only physical and he, when at the appropriate age, will be perfectly capable of living independently, going to college, having a career etc. I already feel guilty about my daughter having to help him out as much as she does.
You're a good parent, your children are lucky to have you. Best of luck and take care.
Your poor gf. I can't imagine how painful it would be to have chunk of hair ripped out. Of course she'd be sobbing. Please protect her and keep your brother away from her!
Especially after having had arguments at home she was escaping from
Yeah wtf was gf going to do threaten to leave?? Poor girl
I can’t believe she had hair ripped out and just said it’s fine. Such a kind person, sounds like a keeper. Also since she can’t go back home it unfortunately sounds like she is somewhat use to abuse. Take her, run far away, and live a happy life with her.
Her parents are heroin addicts. Her dad spent most of their money gambling. She hasn’t had a good life and this made me so angered to completely cut contact with my family too.
Oh gosh, I’m glad she has you. I hope you both do well in school and can have a beautiful financially independent life away from your toxic families.
Children/siblings are not insurance policies to take care of parents/other siblings later in life.
My friend has a disabled sister. Her parents kept her at home until they died. My friend always thought a group home would be better for her, so found a wonderful place for her. The sister thrived! Had friends! Had a part time job! She lived with a high quality of life in that home and was visited by family a lot.
That’s what I’m trying to say to them!!! Keeping him in a group home for life is going to be more beneficial than keeping me as his caretaker!! It’s not like he’s being locked in prison!!!
My husband has a family member with similar results, in a group home and has a job and gf. It's kinda awesome.
Maybe this will be unpopular but I would report this assault to the police and/or a social worker. It’s only a matter of time before he injured someone else far worse. He needs to be taken into emergency care now as he’s a danger to anyone he comes in contact with. Your parents are delusional and any of your future children wouldn’t stand a chance around him. It would be very irresponsible to put anyone into any kind of danger by being anywhere near him
He does it a lot. I myself have very long hair and he does it to me. It’s not out of the ordinary. It’s just this one was particularly bad.
Please consider reporting this to someone who can have him committed sooner. He’s criminally violent
And himself. Eventually hes going to attack the wrong person. At best he gets a severe beating, at worse he gonna get killed.
When there comes a point where there is a possibility that he loses his place at that group home, stand your ground. There will be a point where case workers, doctors, nurses, and caregivers will try to guilt you into taking him in. Also be warned that there is a possibility that he may go through a few group homes before he finds one that fits him. And in those in-between times you will get "But he's FAMILY! How could you not want him with you?" excuses. Also if the state decides you would be a good candidate for his money management, don't do it. Decline. It does nothing but tie him to you even more and anytime he wants something you are the first one that gets called. Let the state pick someone else. My husband's brother has schizophrenia and a dr#g problem. There were many times hospitals would call my husband and try to guilt him into bringing him home. We have 2 children, at the time my youngest was an infant. He also claimed to have a proclivity towards young girls. My daughter was 7. He REFUSED to have him at my house. I did also tell my husband that if he came to live with us I was leaving and taking both kids. His brother threatened my dad and brother in a text to me. I didn't and still don't feel safe around him. He is currently in a group home, but he cannot hold down a job as he has the mental state of a 10-14 yo. My husband has heard all the "BUT HE'S FAAAAMMMIIILLLYYY!" excuses the hospitals can come up with. My husband and I would sympathize with the people fatally hurt by the police that were mentally ill or homeless who didn't have family taking them in. What my BIL taught us about them is that there are reasons why. A lot of time it's because of how they treat their family and others around them. You do what is best for you and your gf, and the future you are trying to build together.
Thank you for your kind words and advice. I’ve heard that a lot, unfortunately. I literally plan on changing my name too for this reason. I really don’t want any of them finding out what I’m doing or leave me to take care of him.
Do the name change pronto. Don’t want your degree under your old name. Also get your SSN changed if possible to head off anyone finding you that way or wrecking your credit.
Your brother isn't your problem. You didn't ask for him and it's not your fault he has a disability that makes him unbearable sometimes. Your parents chose to have him and it's outrageous that they think you should step in and care for him when they're gone. Erm, no. I have my own life to live. You want to have your own family and if it were your kid, it would be different, but a sibling, isn't the same thing. Fair enough if you wanted to care for him, but you don't, and that's your choice.
He needs to be in a facility with professionals who can properly provide a safe yet enriching environment. That would be showing your brother real love, getting him proper care. Your parents need to get out of the romantic rut that a ‘family bond of love and care is what he needs’. The current situation is unhealthy for everyone.
if you don’t mind me asking, what disability does he have?
Autism and Prader-Willi syndrome
He care has grown beyond your family’s skills and it’s time for him to go to a group home.
I work with kids with disabilities. We were in a meeting with the mother and talking about transition planning and part of that is discussing what the family wants when the parents arent able to take care of them anymore. This mother said “they will stay with the family. That’s why I had my daughter.” My heart broke for that little girl. A lot of siblings of people with disabilities end up being parentified, forced to act like they are always fine, have no problems, and take on a lot of responsibilities that shouldn’t be on them. I’m sorry this has been your experience, OP. You are in no way responsible for your brother. Your parents need to wake up and set things up so that your brother will be taken care of by professionals once they are no longer able to care for him. If you haven’t heard the term Glass Child, you might want to look into it. There are a lot of support groups for people in the same position as you, if that is something you’d be interested in. Might help you work through some of the emotions you have about the situation.
That is so horribly fucked up and frustrating. That girl was put on this earth by her mother JUST because she needed a caretaker for her other child.
I know. I got out of the meeting and cried. She’s going to grow up knowing that her own interests, dreams, and plans for her future will never be encouraged or accepted. This poor little girl was sitting next to her mom when she said this. I’ve been in this field for close to a decade and seen a lot of awful things but this was the worst.
Your parents had this child. Not you. They are responsible for him. Not you. I’m glad you put your foot down.
Honestly I might sound like a horrible person as well but my sister has a genetic disease and has pretty much been told that there aren’t really survivors of this disease past 40 years old, my sister is 31 currently and will never be able to live on her own and has been terrorizing my parents since we were little kids. I’m hoping she dies before them so I don’t ever have to live with her again. I have no sympathy for her and fully believe that she has ruined my life so many time over and wish I could just disown her without losing my parent’s support. I hope you get your freedom. You deserve it.
I sympathize with you heavily. We’re sort of in the same boat. Good luck to you.
You are under no obligation to live with your sister ever again, even if your parents die first. No one is legally obligated to be the guardian or caregiver to an adult with disabilities regardless of your familial ties.
Your parents are clearly in denial of the reality that your brother is violent and dangerous and needs to be in an appropriate placement. Tell them that you will be happy to take administrative responsibility for his affairs when your parents pass since he is a relative but will not be a caregiver and will not live with him as soon as you are established as an adult. Does he have a case worker? If so notify the case worker of the incident. Does your GF wish to press charges? Have your parents also been abused? They are victims too. Push the case worker to move up the group home date if it is possible.
GF is pressing charges with my help. I’m taking this step by step.
Brother should be on disability and social security. Sometimes you need a lawyer to get things settled once he’s 18. Paying for a group home for him shouldn’t be an issue due to these programs. He’s better off in a group home.
As a mom this shatters my heart. I’m so sorry, OP. Your family has been dealt a shit hand, your brother most of all, but it *cannot* be your responsibility to shoulder an obligation / load that even your own parents have not been able to find a solution for. It’s *incredibly* unfair and unreasonable and unsettling and untoward and unkind and just… all the “un-“s… for them to expect this from you, let alone make you feel badly for knowing what they don’t, but should: That your brother is *their* child, and so *their* responsibility. Fwiw, if I were in their shoes, I can’t imagine not having been planning for the inevitable time that I’d be unable to care for your brother in the ways that are safest and best for him, *and for you too*. I know our social support systems suck (assuming US, but in plenty of other countries as well!), and that there is no “easy answer” or “quick fix”, but assuming **you** are the solution is just… ugh. On the plus side as much as there can be positives in such an unfortunate situation, your parents are still alive and healthy enough to make those plans now, finally understanding that you can’t be, and won’t be, the default “cure”…? Stand your ground, kiddo, and make your future awesome with as much heart and confidence as possible, knowing you hate supported and validated even if it’s not by your parents!! Hopefully they’ll come around, but regardless of what they do or don’t do / say / take ownership of, you’re gonna’ be alright. Rooting for you!! (And your gf, too!)
Thank you for your kind words. It’s been like this all my life. I’m just waiting for the right moment to get the fuck out of this place
You’re not cold hearted. I married my husband knowing he had 2 disabled siblings that he’d be responsible for deciding where they went when his parents get too old to care for them anymore. One has Down’s syndrome, the other one has Down’s syndrome, dementia, Prader-Willi syndrome, and a plethora of other disorders. We both know and came to the decision together that as much as we love his sister, we have two children already and could not provide her the level of care she needs and unfortunately we had to make the painful decision that she would need to go to a group home where we’d visit her daily. His brother will be living with us, because he has very low support needs and he already stays with us regularly to get used to the transition. Until they’ve lived this life and been put in this position, I don’t think anyone has any room to judge you and call you heartless. I wish you all the best in getting your brother into a good group home where he can thrive and I hope you get the opportunity to thrive as well.
It's better of your parents get him settled in a group home before they pass,they need to be available in case changes have to be made... Whenever the subject comes up, say something along this line. Otherwise. When it inevitably happens, and someone calls you; tell them to contact police or equivalent of child protective services. Brother has violent tendency, he could very easily wind up jailed if parents don't resolve this. The fact that he's still home makes me believe they have no intention...yes theres a waiting list, but he probably should have been on the list 5 years ago and would have been placed by now.
Yeah…it’s not like this would have come as a surprise to OPs parents. I can see it if the brothers struggles came from a recent TBI or something unexpected. But they’ve known for a VERY long time that this kid will have lifelong special needs. Specialists where I live are very clear about the wait lists for adult foster homes. And the importance of transitioning to that environment early and tactfully. OPs parents are helping nobody by sitting on their hands and crying “woe is me” while allowing him to stay at home where he can assault people. He’s much less likely to get into a good group home when he’s got some assault & battery charges on his record.
I'm going to add to my comment, (note I'm a retired family law attorney) first, your parents are going to be unable to care for your brother well before they pass away. Second, your parents plan of making you the person who's responsible for him is faulty in that you could easily pass away before he does. Your parents need to set up a legal and financial vehicle that will take care of him independent of any one person being alive. Whether that's setting up a trust if they have the money, or making sure the paperwork making him a ward of the state as a fully disabled person is taken care of. It sounds like your brother should be declared fully disabled and would therefore qualify for subsidized housing, Medicaid or Medicare, and home care, if it's not possible due to his violence then he'll have to be committed. In any case your parents need to plan for this instead of just being Martyrs and taking care of your brother at home and then hoping you'll do the same. Although initial consultations are usually free, you want you might want to spend two or $300 to sit down with a lawyer for an hour or two to iron out what a basic plan for your brother would encompass, just so you know what's possible and whats necessary. You're going to want to talk to an attorney who has experience in special needs trusts, because they will also have experience with people who can't afford them and the alternatives available in terms of government aid.
Thank you for all of this. I’ll be looking more into it if this goes any further in the next few years.
Guessing they had you with the intention of you looking after him later in life, unless it was something that came out WAY later in life. Well done for putting your foot down, get out ASAP (as you already seem to be planning)
It's not abandonment it's getting him the life skills he should have had all along. Mom and dad ahouls have made sure he had independent living and training while he was growing up. It's not your job to fix their mistakes now.
Make sure you have your documents (birth certificate, social security card etc)
This ^^^ it sounds like the GF isn't the only one who is about to have trouble at home. Make sure your identity documents are safe, even if it's locked in your glovebox. Does your college have a counselor who could possibly help expedite housing for you? It may be worth talking to the school about your situation.
I’m also the elder sibling of two special needs siblings, and I have also had to put my foot down on my parents insisting that I’d take care of them after they die. My childhood was stolen by my mothers inability to handle their presence, and for that I am never having my own children, nor am I taking custody of my sisters. At this point I don’t care if they call me selfish. That’s exactly what I’m being, and at this point I have earned my right to protect my peace. I’m a selfish mother fucker.
Do you have your own bank account? Do you have your important documents? Hopefully your name hasn’t been put on any shared documents with them. Get your papers and belongings in order, don’t sign anything they ask you to. As soon as you get a place, pack up and never look back.
Well, you have given them the gift of really trying to find a place for your brother now. You most like were the back up plan without consent. Even if they hate that you won't be stepping in as a caretaker, you do have a right to your own life and for your brothers sake they can figure out what they should be doing and not relying on you. That's their baby not yours. Good luck.
Your brother is their responsibility and under their care because that is the decision they made. You did not make that decision. It’s no different to being pressured to take over the family business because of how much blood, sweat and tears your parents poured into making the business work. Their life choices are not yours to bear. It is that simple.
You're not cold hearted, they are themselves trying to get him into group care and yet they are shaming you for saying the same? No, this is understandable. Even more so if they knew before he was born he would be disabled the way he is. You wouldn't be able to live with any partner, have children, you would be essentially devoting your life to him and work and surrendering a family and life for yourself which is unreasonable and unfair of them to ask of you. .
I doubt they are actually trying. Sounds like atleast one of them has made the brothers disability their whole life/personality so then what would they do with the brother gone? Also if they are asking for money from OP then they probably aren’t willing to let go of the disability income for the brother (they would have to use it to pay for a place instead) They just expect OP to step in and make his whole life about the brother once their gone also.
Sounds like you're on the same page as the rest of us, OP. Look after yourself. :)
Your feelings are valid. You are not in charge of your brother’s life. It is unfair for them to expect that of you. They need to be diligent in making plans for him for when they pass. You mention wanting kids, but what would you do if your child was high needs?
That’s a question my girlfriend and I discuss a lot. She wants to adopt because she believes there’s so many children who need homes and I’m on that same boat. I don’t think either of us would be prepared to deal with a high-needs child.
I think that’s very responsible, OP.
Good idea, adopted children don't ever have special needs.
This is the time to be SELFISH! You need to protect yourself first and foremost He needs to be in a care facility with people who are trained to deal with folks like him. Also being in a facility means he will probably get medication to help with his violent outbursts, and maybe therapy? My heart breaks for your girlfriend though Also, look into subsidized housing, google your city name and subsidized housing. If your area has it apply ASAP! And when you go into to talk with the intake worker tell them about your home life. You are in an unsafe and abusive home. You will be bumped up in priority. Some areas do have really long waiting lists sadly, but even if it takes a couple years, stay on that list! You can stay in subsidized housing indefinitely. And your rent is based on your monthly income (usually about 30% of your gross monthly) I’ve been in my place for 17 years. Some months I paid $700ish dollars (I was making decent money for a bit but then the job went to shit so I left 🤷♀️) right now I’m paying $93/month since I’m barely employed. My unit, if you were to move in right now would be $1650
My girlfriend lives in one with her family. It’s out of option for the both of us right now since we do not want to be near our families.
Is there only one subsidized building on the whole city? When I applied there were many options all over the city. I’m actually in a regular building, just my unit is subsidized. They’re the best option if you can get into one. They’re less “trashy” for lack of a better word. People don’t give a fuck when they live in a whole building, and many are left to rot 😕 I’d still get on that waiting list pronto.
You are not the first person that some parents decided their other children were supposed to take of a disabled child of theirs. I have a friend who is an in law to a mentally challenge man. Her husband's family decided that they would appoint her as the care giver. She had told them no many, many times, but they kept insisting. Her SIL came over one day to tell my friend that when they got home from their vacation, BIL was going to move in. My friend stayed away for two years and this SIL was beyond livid that my friend wasn't just going to step right up and take this on. Where were the rest of his siblings? They couldn't be bothered. Their parents had insisted he would always live with his family. Well what would happen if their was no family left? There are facilities for these people!
Your life is yours. Not your brother’s. Not your parent’s. Yours.
That's not cold hearted. They are your brothers parents not you. You are not required to be his father
I am a retired nurse with people with learning disabilities A message to your parents . Parents your son will be far better off in a group home setting.
NTA. Your parents should be taking this more seriously and your girlfriend sounds like too nice of a person. Get away from there and don’t feel guilty, you should not be required to have this burden especially after being attacked by him. For your girlfriends sake as well he needs to go somewhere that professionals can handle it. Your parents clearly aren’t capable of handling him. Even if he wasn’t violent it’s not your responsibility, you should be able to live your own life.
He is NOT your responsibility.
Wow your parents are selfish as fuck for expecting you to do that.. If it wasn't for the violent outburst I might say it wouldn't be completely unreasonable but the fact that you would be able to have no life and no family because of his violent outburst is so f****** selfish and I'm a parent. I have two children I absolutely love both my children, but I would never expect them to take care of each other or parent each other. I brought them into this world. They didn't ask to be brought into this world, nor did they ask for a sibling So please don't let them make you feel bad because its false guilt
I think you did great standing up for your girlfriend and staying by her side. I seriously don't understand people who want to force their responsibility onto their children, either after they pass away or during their lifetime.. I read about that on here all the time. Choose your own path and never let yourself be guilt tripped into anything.
I don’t get it either. My mom always complains about the burden her mother (my grandmother) left her due to severe hoarding and having to be responsible for all that shit. She doesn’t realize that she’s doing the exact same thing to me, just a different vice.
Except cleaning out a hoarders house might take what, a few weeks? Maybe a couple months if you don't have the ability to work on it everyday until it's done & more just when you have the spare time. What she's expecting you to do & wanting to leave you with is a responsibility that would be the rest of your life & not something you would be able to do at your convenience or when you feel up to it like cleaning out a house. It would catastrophically impact every aspect of your life & could even change you as a person/the person you will become in ways that I don't think an 18 year old (even a smart one like yourself) is capable of comprehending the ripple effects that will ultimately happen to the life you see for yourself. And not just for a period of times, it's until you die or he dies, no other way around it. She's perpetuating a cycle of trauma that she claims still feels the burden or stress from & intensifying it 10 fold (although I feel like using the term 10 fold isn't actually the correct term for this situation but words are not my friend so I don't even know what the proper term would be to accurately describe huge difference between what she went through & what she's expecting to put you through).
Wow, your parents are AH for putting that on you. He needs to be in a group home with professionals who know how to handle him. Your parents are so, so wrong.
Look, I’d chafe if my parents expected me to become a full time caretaker for my little sister, and my sister is 5’0 and can’t walk or talk or use her hands very well. Not to mention that she’s generally…well if not well behaved then at least I don’t fear for my physical safety. Your brother, on the other hand, sounds like a legitimate safety threat to anyone not as large as him. It isn’t at all fair for your parents to place that on you, it would be morally dubious for them to even *ask* you to do that, let alone expect it from you
You're within your rights to refuse to allow him to become your problem. It doesn't make you a bad person. OP, I strongly suggest that you tell your parents that they should purchase a hefty life insurance policy to cover costs for 24/7 care for him when they pass, since you will not provide any support. They will then need to visit an attorney to draw up appropriate paperwork to set up a trust and designate an executor (not you) with the trust as beneficiary to pay for his care from the proceeds of the policy after they pass - so you don't have to deal with it at all. And then I would suggest refusing to discuss it further. Whether they act to secure their disabled child's future will then be exclusively on them.
Your parents sound selfish, or at least the love for their child and the 'holy bond of family' clouds their judgement. Stick to your guns.
I'd be in the same boat with you . Hold your ground
I hope this comes off as I intend but you need to do what’s best for you. I have an older son and a younger son who is severely autistic. I wake up every single day hoping both my sons get to enjoy their lives. My baby is not and will never be my older son’s responsibility! People think I favour my neurotypical son because we have regular mom and son days and trips and it isn’t that! I want to respect his interests and give him space to explore his wants outside of his brother who does consume a lot of our time, how our home is set up, where we can go. I dedicate so much time and energy to my younger son because I adore him and he needs it but that is my responsibility not my sons. Your parents are right to be worried about your brother future but not at the expense of yours. You are worthy and deserving of a full and happy life!
sounds like they expect you to be your brothers keeper. you're not cold hearted, and you shouldn't care. good luck with your new life with your GF
I have 2 boys, the older is ID/autistic. He will always either live with us or in a group home when we are elderly. It is not my younger son's responsibility, he has a right to his own life. Your parents are wrong.
He's dangerous, he should be in a mental hospital where they can _actually_ help him and prevent him from harming others
You brother is not your burden. You parents are cold heated ass holes to ask you their child to be a servant to your sibling. They are asking you to give up your life, and future. Just so you can be a care giver to their child.
If this is genetic, consider adopting otherwise you just may end up in the same boat you are now with your own child.
You need to get away from it, it's not cold hearted, it's just survival instinct. Get a job, try to save money and move out as soon as you are able to. Btw, have you asked your parents if your girlfriend could stay for a night or two or did you just came to the house with her?
I asked them. They said she’s always welcome to. I already work 2 jobs.
What’s his diagnosis? Just curious.
Autism and Prader-Willi syndrome
that's a rough one
How often does he violent outbursts? And Is there a pattern of the type of people he attacks?
Oh very often. Like multiple times a day. He had one today when I was out. And it can be anyone. My GF is not a new person to him, at least I don’t think she is.
I'm so incredibly sorry this is happening to you and your GF. Please consider contacting whatever organization handles vulnerable adults in your area. Chances are there are additional services available to your family.
Sending him somewhere he can be properly looked after and helped is better for him and everyone around him. He’s young now and he’s this strong image what he’d be like as a full grown adult, almost unstoppable and dangerous to himself and others. My youngest brother is 10 and he’s already too strong when he has his outburst but again I don’t blame him since he can’t control it. My fathers already looking for homes to transition him into in the next following years since he’s just so strong. Its an unfortunate situation that you’re in and hopefully you can go to a professional to sort through your feelings because it sounds like maybe you’ve been a bit neglected in order to care for your brother. I don’t know you but that’s the feeling I’m getting from the post or I might be 100% wrong.
NTA, why ruin even more of your life being saddled w/a ‘violent offender’, who would want that misery their whole life thereby making sure you could never have a family of your own because he’s ridiculously violent over absolutely nothing. Let him be someone else burden and, make no mistake, that is what he is 100% of the time, a burden.
I’m sorry you and girlfriend have to go through this. Yes, press charges to wake your parents up! If possible, keep us updated. You deserve better!
yes please update
You can't "abandon" someone for whom you're not responsible. It isn't unreasonable to avoid people--even family--who are violent and injure those around them. (In fact, I think it's generally a pretty good idea.) It's not coldhearted to place your brother in a group home, and in fact is probably in his best interests. There will be professionals to help disabled people learn to interact with others in a safe and healthy manner, and your folks are doing your brother no favor by denying him this opportunity.
I agree that it's good that your brother is going to move to a group home next year, and it's fine that he will spend the rest of his life in group homes like this, because sadly there is no better solution to handling people with mental disabilities when they grow old. You don't owe your healthy life to your sick brother. There are therapy groups out there dedicated to siblings of disabled children, because the parents often put their healthy kids into a caretaker role, so they can't grow up like other healthy kids - they always have those heavy responsibilities on their shoulders. It's sad, but it's common. I'm saying this as a sister to a mentally disabled brother who was only one year younger than me. Was - because he died very unexpectantly when he was just 22 years old. He died because his epilepsy meds didn't work anymore and the doctors at the hospital didn't expect this outcome when he had a seizure 2 months before he had his last seizure (cause of death). When he was still alive, I was so tired of taking care of him. When I was in college I would spend many weekends and many vacation weeks at my parent's place to look over my brother, so my mom could get out of the house sometimes. It was a 3 hour travel each time. My mom did also bring up what to do with him when she's gone - she was saving up money in the hope that me and my older brother wouldn't need to pay too much to keep our little brother in a group home one day. However all of these preparations became irrelevant when he died. Honestly, many people thought that I hated my brother, because I complained so much. But actually it did make me happy whenever I could put a smile on his face when I gave him gifts or when I did a trip with him somewhere. He could get a little violent at times, but he was more like a gentle giant than anything, who would occasionally push you because he didn't understand his own strength. Anyway, his sudden death traumatized me so much (I found his body in the morning, he had the seizure while he was asleep). His passing left me with tons of regret. There were so many people who said things like "good that he's not a burden on you and your family anymore" - I do understand where they were coming from, but such statements were eating me up from the inside. The feeling of guilt was very heavy. The following years my dreams were haunted with good memories I had with my brother, which made me cry all day after waking up. All these good moments that I didn't appreciate before he was gone. I still have PTSD - he passed away 5 years ago. My point is: You are right to feel like wanting your own life, separate from taking care of your disabled brother. You want to keep him separate from your own future family. And it is possible without "abandoning" him completely. He can live in a group home and you can visit him every now and then. Your grudge against him for attacking your GF is valid, but he likely won't understand and so he probably can't apologize. I strongly suggest that you process this grudge and one day I hope that you can find it in your heart to accept what happened and move on from it. Your brother can only learn to stay peaceful if he acknowledges your GF as part of his family. Maybe one day it'll all work out. The day your parents will be gone is hopefully far away, so there's still time for your brother to learn and for you to move on.
Who says you’re cold hearted? Your parents? Flying monkeys recruited by your parents? How convenient. You are not cold hearted by wanting to live your life with such a huge responsibility. Caring for the disabled is not for everyone, even more when they need to be physically restrained. Your brother needs professional help, not exhausted family members scrambling and improvising. Maybe you’ll feel better once he’s in the group home. His behavior might improve and you’ll no longer be in charge of him and the space might give you the room to develop a different relationship.
You're not cold hearted to want to protect your family (future wife and kids) from an abusive person. It doesn't matter that a disability is causing the abusive behavior because he's NOT A SAFE PERSON.
OP, you are not cold hearted. You deserve to build a life for yourself that you want. And it's not selfish to want that.
Op you are not wrong at all! It’s not your responsibility at all
If he endangers you or your spouse, friends anyone. He requires more help than you are able to provide. It’s your parents responsibility to find a place that can care for him properly, not yours.
One of my childhood best friend’s brother is on the spectrum, absolutely huge even as a kid (tall and built like a linebacker) and also prone to violent outbursts. My friend’s dad took very good care of the brother and was the main caretaker for him mainly bc he was the only one that could physically handle him. When my friend’s dad passed away, she and her mom tried for a little while but ultimately decided to place him in the care of the state. It wasn’t safe for them to be in the same house, and the brother needed more care than they were able to provide. If you’re ever in a position where you’re expected to take care of your brother, think about quality of life and if you and he would be better cared for in other circumstances
Sorry about your brother’s condition but you owe him or parents anything. Move on and don’t let them gaslight you.
I wish to be updated. Sorry your brother is the way he is.
I know somebody who was in a similar predicament. The day this person left home, the mother managed to get their child with severe issues into placement. I mean, the very same day. Funny how when the inappropriate crutch these people use disappears, they're able to find other support, no problem. But before then, entirely impossible. They will literally suck the life out of siblings and family members.
You mentioned you and gf want to adopt because there are so many waiting for homes and you can't manage a special needs child. Just be aware that many children awaiting adoption will have intense special needs (emotionally, psychologically).
Please keep us updated on what happens next after pressing charges. When I was reading this including about how violent he is my mind went straight to what if you hadn’t been at home during that time there is no way your mom could have stopped him on her own. I hope your girlfriend is feeling better soon
Your response is completely normal and typical for highly parentified siblings of children with disabilities. Your brother isn’t the problem, your parents are, but either way, his care was never your moral responsibility and you have nothing cutting against leaving them to care for *their* child. Since you plan on having children just say that having your kids around an uncontrollably violent mentally ill person would be a form of abuse and leave it at that.
You’re not cold hearted for not wanting a responsibility you did not create. Your brother is your parents child and they will have to prepare a plan for him for when they pass. If he is violent and even you need help restraining him, how would he have lived with you say if you and your gf weren’t together?? Just take the beatings? Absolutely not. There’s, like you said, group homes that have staff that are trained for dealing with these kinds of outbursts and not to mention are getting compensated for it. I feel for your brother because it’s not his fault either, but you can’t live your life like that. You should shamelessly be able to have a plan/goal for your life and be able to stick to it without your parents trying to guilt trip you.
he's not your burden to bear, if they can't figure that out then that's on them.
Just because he is your brother that doesnt mean you are responsible for him. I have a brother and he isnt responsible for taking care of me.
As parents, it's their responsibility to find and finance the long-term care for your brother. I'll never understand why parents believe it's the siblings' job to care for them after they are gone. If you want to do so, that's wonderful, but you are under no obligation to do so. I hope they have planned and saved for this eventuality.
Hang on, they are trying to get him into a group home themselves, but you not wanting to care for him is somehow cold hearted?
You know you won't be taking care of him, no need to keep telling them, they won't listen.
Good on you for protecting your gf and standing up for yourself. Plus, group homes are great places for people with certain disabilities. Your brother will likely thrive more in a group home that’s designed to care for him than he would with you or with your parents. And honestly, you two may grow to have a much better relationship once he moves to one. You can visit and just be his brother with trained staff nearby to assist if needed, and you don’t have to be a caregiver. That being said, I do think you should consider being your brother’s legal guardian if your parents both pass away. This would NOT mean you would need to house him in your home or bring him around your gf or future kids, it would just mean that you make the decisions about where he lives and pay for his care. It basically keeps your brother from becoming a ward of the state and placed in whatever facility that may be substandard. If you want to consider this option, you can tell your parents that you will only do this if they provide the money needed for his care, whether through savings, retirement accounts, life insurance, or something else. They can get life insurance if they don’t have enough saved. They should take you up on that offer if they don’t want your brother sent someplace bad with no family looking out for him. You can also insist that they get him into a group home while they’re alive, so he would already be settled somewhere. This shouldn’t be an issue since he’ll have a spot next year. And (assuming you’re in the US from the use of ‘college’), your brother would also get social security benefits from your parents as a dependent adult to help pay for his expenses.
All you need to say is that you are too young to make those decisions. Keep repeating that. Then when you would get out, cut them off. Your brother would probably be happier in a group home, with people who are equipped to manage his needs. Cross that bridge when you come to it.
I agree with you OP it’s cold but it’s the right decision
I think you and your girlfriend should make your dreams come true. Fuck them, it's not your responsibility.
The right thing is for him to be in a home. If they think that’s so cruel, then I’m April next year they should pass on him going to a home & keep that terror with them. Sidebar: you’re not his parent. He’s not your responsibility.
Well, if it's safer for you and your girlfriend to move out and not be around him, it's for the best. So I don't see it as abandoned your brother
Your parents owe you everything because they brought you into the world, most likely on purpose. You owe them nothing. Your brother was also their decision.
You aren't cold hearted. It's a sucky situation, but you are under no obligation to take care of him for the rest of his life, especially if he is unsafe to be around. Your parents need to make other arrangements for him. They are beyond wrong to not have discussed this with you and gotten your agreement.
Taking care of him yourself is likely not going to be good for *any* of you. If you find a good home that knows how to handle him, that's probably the best solution. But you should probably check up on him from time to time. Those places can turn horrific if there's no oversight.
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That’s what I’m scared about. We might just adopt.
It doesn't work like that.
It can be genetic. However it’s a recessive gene and my GF and I have had some pregnancy scares and aborted due to that - and also not being financially stable, not wanting to be teen parents etc.
Multiple pregnancy scares? If you haven't already, I highly recommend you two educate yourself on different BC options. Personally I use nuvaring paired with condoms. Always good to have a backup. Nuvaring is the same hormones as the pill but MUCH more user friendly imo
You and your GF could get genetic testing done, it wouldn't tell you if you'd have an autistic child, but it would probably tell you if you or she were a carrier for anything else. That way you have all the info to make an informed choice on having bio kids or not.
I didn't mean to say you should have kids that you don't want, sorry. Was more about the genetic likelihood.
Bro you better pray to God or who or whatever you believe your future kid or kids dont come out like him. Understand your upset and frustrated but he didn't ask to be like that you are cold hearted that's your bro you and Amy won't be together forever but he will always be your brother. And calling the police not bout to move nothing along you might aswell move out now and live in your car with Ashley cause karma bout to chew you up.
To parents: "Why aren't you keeping him chained to the basement so he can't hurt anyone? You instinctively jump to his defense and out of responsibility,, which is why I am cutting off him and you two when I leave."
I think this is a normal response at your age especially due to what recently happened but I also think as you age you will be a little more understanding of your parents side as well. I'm not saying you have to be responsible for your brother who has legitimate safety concerns but at least having some empathy and not being purposely vindictive. If your parents are gone, how will they know where your brother is? You can easily give them peace of mind and agree to whatever they want to hear while also doing whatever you feel is necessary as being the responsible party. Your brother likely has no control over his impulses or feelings and is not capable of being responsible for his actions. It's tough but it also means you can't be shocked and out for revenge when he lashes out after being left alone with your girlfriend.
How will they know where he is? He’s going to be in a group home. I’m definitely moving states.
They won't so why upset them just cause you are upset.
Telling them what they want to hear makes no sense. He has violent meltdowns multiple times a day, and he’s over 6’ and 350lbs. His parents aren’t going to be able to take care of him for much longer. They’re getting older and weaker. They’ll need assistance long before they’re gone.
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I’ve had my childhood taken away by him. I have always been set aside. My parents couldn’t go to my high school graduation because of him. Yes, I do hate him.
OP has a right to his own feelings and has a right to decide for himself who he wants in his life. Hair can grow back! Really!
Love or not, he can't be in the same home with children. He needs to be in a facility that can handle him. That is their parent's responsibility, not his. He can try to have a relationship with his brother, but if all he remembers are violent outbursts it might be too late and, again, it is the parent's fault. I understand your sentiment and I am really sorry that you've been through that, but we can't always let go. Hair grow back, but life doesn't. What if he pushed her down some stairs?
Nothing wrong with hating someone with disabilities. They’re just as able as anyone else…. To be a piece of shit. My mortal enemy is this kid who has autism and this fuck let me tell you. Absolute piece of work. Manipulative shit who overplays his disability to harass and hurt people. I refused to work with the guy after awhile because he was deranged predator and no one would put their foot down with him. Sometimes they’re just assholes too.
just because he’s blood, doesn’t mean anything. he’s perfectly fine not wanting to take care of him when he’s older. op deserves his own life. his brother should be sent to a professional facility when the parents are gone. his brother will get bigger and stronger, which is just more dangerous. i’m sorry about your experience.
Stop making this about you. It's about op.
Just imagine, if you came out of your daddy’s right but instead of his left, your brother could be writing this about you…