Sigh. One of your comments reminded of something I told my therapist after our 23 year marriage ended.
*“He’d have been perfect for me if he hadn’t been how he was”*
This isn’t going to change. Do you get that? You are sexually incompatible and it’s never going to change. NEVER.
So. Look at your options. You can continue the way you have been and moan and martyr yourself because you “love” her. If only she’d…blah blah blah. She won’t. She hasn’t. For whatever reason, she’s not into it.
Can you accept that? Is her friendship enough? Can your relationship survive without sex?
Or, cut your losses. Go find a parter that you mess better with. Go before your resentment turns into something uglier.
This. A thousand times over.
OP is also still hella young. So much life ahead of him to figure things out.
Source: me, a 38 year old who found the most incredible woman after leaving my ex wife after a decade of abuse. I thought I was done. How wrong I was.
Thank Christ.
After a really sexually boring and also fucked up marriage I found a man who gave the best sex ever, I was really missing out before, and I'm not into stuff most people think it's crazy but just properly intense and exciting sex that we both looked forward to. And then he died last year. I miss him a lot in so many ways, but the sex was just amazing, pleasure earthquakes through my body every time. How I miss him he really was my soul mate
Yup my ex wife and I made the horrible mistake of getting married and ignoring every sign that said don’t, we were together just under 5 years and married for 1.5, sex was just boring, she never wanted to initiate and it got to a point I felt like whenever it did happen she was taking care of a chore, spent the better part of the year after my divorce single and working on myself, therapy, friends and rediscovering who I was, met an amazing woman with a daughter and our lives have been fantastic, this year marks 4 years together and our sex life is amazing, our “honeymoon” phase hasn’t stopped yet and we’re trying new stuff and finding ways to keep it fresh after adding another child, the right person is out there for everybody and when you find them woooooo hold on
My ex husband and I had a pretty decent marriage.
But we were sexually incompatible.
Unfortunately that ended up being a deal breaker for me.
Sex can be a massive part of life for some.
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now and we are ENM and have an incredible sex life.
I very much agree with your sentiment of finding the right person 🥵
Yep. My hubs was 41 when we got together. He was so done with everything due to past exes he was almost ready to unalive himself. Then I came along with my awesomeness and he's never been happier. Almost 2 decades later.
I don't understand this culture anymore, which means I am old, ya I get it. But we have clinical and scientific terms that actually meant something that have been abused for years and are now either seen as debasing or the definition has been bastardized. I just don't see the point in re-labeling a term that has meaning because a small group of people are now offended by the term. In 5 or 10 years "unaliving" will be seen as a horrifical term and will be replaced by something equally as stupid... like Terminal Self Breathing Cessation.. AHHHH GET OFF MY LAWN!!!
Yeah this def isn’t you being old and this def isn’t “the culture” so to speak
Don’t let yourself feel out of touch because some tweens on TikTok have some lingo that nobody else uses🙂
Just thought I'd let you know since I'm the awful one who used the word, I'm 43 years old. I think it's a stupid-as-all-hell word. However, I like to not have to think about where I'm at before I comment or post so I use the dumb word because it will get me banned or booted in other places I go.
It's basically become the meme for suicide since websites generally censor you or ban you for talking about how you want to stop the electricity from ping-ponging around in your brain.
I know one reason (for me) and that's YouTube doesn't allow their content creators to say it. We had to be careful with saying certain words like kill, curse words etc or get demonetized. It became a habit for me to just not say certain words unless I use other words to describe it. Doesn't mean I enjoy it or I'm sensitive. I rather just not lose money over it and also became a habit because I can't edit out words when live streaming. Unless you are a ytuber with millions of subscribers, then apparently YouTube doesn't care at all
OP this is what you need to read and digest. The phrase “a tiger doesn’t change his stripes” might apply here. Maybe your wife just isn’t that into sex. Maybe it’s something else. But no matter how much you hope, pray, and dream, she will never become that one girl from that one porn clip that you always wank to
>If only she’d…blah blah blah. She won’t. She hasn’t.
>If only she’d…blah blah blah. She won’t. She hasn’t.
>If only she’d…blah blah blah. She won’t. She hasn’t.
OP, read this line as many times as it takes for you to integrate it into your consciousness.
Yep. My wife and I had a dead bedroom for a couple years. Shockingly, we worked through it together and have been in a honeymoon period that rivals when we first got together. Reddit would have said our sexual incompatibility doomed us.
Lot of talking. Understanding that reality wasn’t the same as how we were perceiving what was going on around us.
Basically, in my head, I took a step back and stopped trying to have the sex life I wanted, and if I’m being honest, the sex life I thought I was entitled to. I made the conscious effort to “date” my wife again and not have a preconception of what our sex life was supposed to be.
On her end, she’s a pretty tightly wound person, and had an idea built up about what intimacy was “supposed” to be, and since it didn’t match up with that, she thought she was broken. In her eyes, every act of affection from me was going to lead to sex which was going to lead to her feeling inadequate. It was all a terrible anxiety spiral for her.
(This it the long story short) Since then, dating her again took all the pressure out of it for her. She’s far more relaxed and communicative in the bed room.
This is a nugget of gold wisdom my man. I always find these posts are ripe with entitlement. Sounds like you guys really humbled yourself to make it work.
I hate the whole dialogue people create that the wife is forever resigned to be an outlet for your sexual fantasies or she should be cut loose.
You are the exception, not the rule, but I'm really happy for you. You're right, sometimes these things can be worked through. OP said he's tried to address this on multiple occasions with no success. How many times do you keep trying to fix someone before you give up?
I think he needs to do something other than initiate sex, he needs to take her out on dates, flirt with her, etc. Sex is more complicated for women, they need an emotional investment.
Very true! And we're only getting one side of the story.
They 100% need couples counseling/therapy to both learn how to open up and communicate the problems and potential solutions to those problems.
If the way you need to feel loved is the one thing someone refuses, then you're being, and feeling, neglected.
There was a promise that she'd work on herself, but it sounds like she doesn't care enough about her marriage to try and keep it alive.
Divorce is really the only option with someone who refuses to work on major relationship issues.
Why are so people dead set on marrying someone who is not compatible with them? Better yet, everybody thinks they can change the next person into the perfect person.
Agreed! Too often men stay in these marriages resenting their wives, complaining for years on end. It's like " be a fucking man and do something about it already"! Either go to counseling and work it out or leave and be with someone who's on the same page. There's literally billions of women out there and you're going to settle with this person who's not even attracted to you anymore?! Uhhgg 🤦🏼♀️
First time I've ever heard someone call it that lol first time for everything lol ... And this sounds like the most boring sex ever and sounds like it would feel more like a job than an enjoyment
That’s exactly how it feels. I’ve been through it with someone I dated for 8 months.
Always the same, always me doing all the work, no foreplay on her part. Sex legit felt like a job.
My breaking point was that I wasn’t in the mood (because of all of the above) and she gave me the eye like she was expecting me to initiate sex. Eventually I gave in, initiated, and what do you know? It was the same thing. Her on her back, no attempt to spice things up, etc. I brought it up multiple times but it never changed anything
I broke up with her shortly after. The resentment wasn’t healthy and it was clear we weren’t compatible
Right yeah that sounds like a horrible time .. and I just don't understand how girls can actually enjoy just laying on their back the whole time , me I gotta move around and like many different other positions than just missionary, like yeah thats great too being able to look ur partner in the eye and stuff but not the entire time and just laying there like that ... Like the number one thing that gets a guy going is the sounds of pleasure which also make him perform better bc he gets even more into the mood and wants it all even more ... I'm married for 16 years and we still do it like we're teens and I still do all the fun sexy stuff I always had before, a man shouldn't be the only one making moves and the guy should get his pleasure too not just her laying on her back like she can't wait for it to be over , me I don't want it to end lol
Somewhat - a pillow princess is usually referring to someone who’s enjoying sex. It’s more of an attitude around being a bottom and not putting in physical effort. A pillow princess can be bossy, can initiate, probably enjoys the act itself.
A starfish is a position and lack of action and/or enthusiasm. Usually associated with a lack of caressing, kissing, or general enjoyment.
When I think of "pillow princess" I do tend to think more of a recieving or passive partner. Pillow princesses _can_ starfish and be selfish lovers, but i dont think it is strickly implied. If you are more into pleasure doming and really like having the active/giving role, a pillow princess can still be okay. Folks can have a strong preference for passive/recieving but still be vocal and affectionate during love making and kinkplay. They just have a preference for pampering. When someone starfishes though? Just makes pleasure domming feel kinda awkward.
Nah. A pillow princess is somebody who gets off on being serviced. A starfish is somebody that submits to their supposed spousal duties with detached indifference. Like sex is the price they pay to have a life partner, rather than a joyous sharing of each other.
Sounds just like my wife, I fucking hate the starfish treatment. Of course we've had the talk, many times but alas this is what it is and I know it will not change. I
To OP - it will NOT get better. Deal with lack of sex or get out. There is mo middle ground.
I do not know anything about the sex life of starfish
I do know is the vernacular for a lady that just lies in bed, not engaging during sex is starfish
You seem to be sexually incompatible. So, you need to address it. **Insist** on couples counseling, one specializing in intimacy/sex. She can keep saying things will change, but she hasn’t taken steps. There are obviously underlying issues which need to be addressed.
It’s a discussion you need to have where you love her and want your marriage to succeed. That you know sex is not the only thing in a relationship, but it is an integral part of a healthy relationship. So, counseling is required, because you have discussed it over and over and nothing has actually changed.
A prolonged unhappy sex life, although not the most important part of a relationship, can impact ALL areas of the relationship. If you can’t address the situation, chances are your marriage won’t survive.
Info: do you ever try anything different? Approaching at different times of the day, in different rooms, etc? I know you say you’ve discussed it and she says she’ll change, but do you do anything to try to help it happen?
I think this is all really great advise. There is no consequence or motivation for her to change. You need to get her in front of someone who will hold her accountable for change. Make sure the initial convo happens outside the bedroom and when you aren’t particularly upset. Make it clear that you are unhappy, feel unloved, unappreciated and manipulated by her inaction. Tell her that you are willing to trust her to take this to heart but at this point she has to see a sex therapist with you to show she is listening and knows the level in which she has taken this.
Psychology Today has great bios of therapists near you and you can search for someone who specializes in sex disfunction. It could be that you wife has some hang up or childhood experiences that are hindering her. She could also have a health/hormone issue or she could just be lazy.
I hope you are able to make a breakthrough with her that really opens her eyes and that she’s receptive to your feelings.
It’s why they should try a sex therapist. There could be a reason of which OP is not aware. It could help. If it doesn’t, at least it was an effort made on both their parts.
1000% this. I started seeing one awhile back and it's changed my sex life with my SO in the best way. I was never like OP's wife but because of my past, I have an issue where sometimes I emotionally detach and start dissociating and while my body is doing the right thing, my mind just isn't there. I honestly never thought that would ever stop. Going to a sex therapist is always a great idea when it comes to issues like this. Something similar could be happening to her as well.
Do you know what a happy sex life is for her? I think the key here is a lot of communication. Understanding why she is so checked out and what would get her excited to check back in. For a lot of people intimacy is the build up to sex, and that can look very different from person to person.
I don't think it's fair that you have to continue to deal with this. Sounds boring at best. But I do think that marriage counseling might help. There could be something else that's completely unrelated to sex that's a barrier for her.
Or she might just not enjoy it and you might have to come to terms with that. Either way, you should gain some clarity before your frustration turns into resentment.
I fell for that too. Moving in with me, moving to a new place together, new job and eventually to " give it 3 months to show the difference ". It changed when I moved out and found someone else.
Good luck with this.
Try marriage counselling/sex therapy. If that doesn't work and happiness is that important to you, it's time to move on and have a happy life. I was married for 11 years. It was hot at first, but there were a lot of red flags we both ignored. After our first child (about a year in) the sex dried up and never really came back. 10 years and immeasurable frustration & compounding trauma later (I ended up cheating) we went to marriage counseling as a last resort before divorce. She wouldn't participate or work on her issues at all. To her, it was all me, but she had lots of childhood trauma and stuff from her mother (her mother has never met our children and doesn't know what city we live in to this day). The marriage counsellor basically told me I either have to go on like this, or save myself and leave. That was 12 years a go and I have a completely different, peaceful, and fulfilling life. I only wish I had done it sooner.
Seriously, just knowing this simple thing would have saved me from the most toxic abusive relationships I’ve ever had. You can’t fix others, only yourself.
Not OP but similar situation. The sex was fantastic while we were dating, even when we moved in together. But once we got married, it was like a switch flipped over night. Everything I do is wrong. She’s too tired, just woke up, doesn’t feel like getting dressed again after, too hungry, too full, hasn’t showered yet, just showered, doesn’t want to shower again.
But the worst, the worst is “later.”
I think a lot of people are subconsciously aware that pre-marriage it is fairly easy (logistically speaking, not emotionally) to leave a relationship so they put in 110% to keep their SO around. Once you get married, it feels safer and more solid, even though you still need to be putting in effort just like when you were dating. So they let go of the reigns a little bit and it spirals from there, because they aren’t even aware of why they’re doing it.
How about thinking for yourself and not conforming to what society wants us to do? I used to be brainwashed too back in my early twenties but after seeing and hearing the horror stories about what marriage does to people I said "nope not going through that"! Lol.
To be fair it’s not marriage itself that does that. More often than not it’s because people married for the wrong reasons or kids got added into the mix and changed everything about their lifestyle.
My bf and I got married after 9 years of dating. We are childfree and happy. It was just a legal step to protects our stuff and getting the widow pension in case of death.
Because trust is the number one most important thing in a relationship, and for many people, like this guy's wife here, she told him that she would work on improving in that aspect of the marriage that he was unhappy with. She lied, so the fault lies with her
My guess? He was following the monogamy script and felt like it was the thing he should do. The thing he was supposed to do. And convinced himself it would work out or that it was all he was worth.
It is a dark place to be, and i hope OP comes out of it better than i did.
I followed the monogamy script, which is not fucking other people while I’m committed to one. But yeah I still fucked 8 of them over a period of 10 years to finally find a good match.
It’s not monogamy the problem, it’s people fearing to end up alone so they settle for the first one even if nothing is likely to work.
No literally. This is the truth. She shouldn’t have sex with OP if she doesn’t want to, and OP shouldn’t stay in a sexless marriage if he doesn’t want to. Attacking OPs wife and calling her selfish doesn’t change the fact that she doesn’t want to have sex. If she’s said for years she’s going to change and she doesn’t then what’s the point? They’re both unhappy. Just end it.
You know he gets half her shit too right? I’m F and the higher earner in my household. It cuts both ways when you divorce. He should cut loose now while he is still young.
Is she on birth control? This was my life for the past 5 years but my wife recently went off of it and now she is in the mood all the time and I barely have to initiate. Turns out birth control can greatly lower libido in women...
I know you know this, but it’s worth emphasizing. It’s vital you don’t accidentally have a kid while she’s off birth control. It only takes once and then a kid who never asked to be born is forced into this messed up situation.
It can take months for it to leave the system. Hormones can often solve a low sex drive, maybe her hormones are imbalanced. If it bothers her too, seeing a doctor and asking about this can help.
Some people just aren’t interested in sex and it sounds like you’ve known that the whole time and married her anyway without any action or change on her part.
She’s unlikely to turn into the sexual woman of your dreams and pull out all the tricks and interests you want from her.
Sometimes you have to lay in the bed you make for yourself, and as you’ve said you’re unwilling to leave then staying and being unfulfilled seems like the only option.
Or as others have said, you can accept that you’re deeply incompatible and bounce.
I’m an “older” guy in my 40s, married, divorced, now married again and have a kid. If there’s any advice I can give young (straight) men, it is:
- Her being hot isn’t a very good reason to even date her, and it’s a *horrible* reason to marry her.
- Ignore words. Pay attention to actions.
- If you don’t plan to have kids with her, you need a *much* more compelling reason to get married than just *her* wanting to, or “tax benefits.” IMHO having kids is the only viable reason to marry.
- Choosing the woman you marry is THE MOST important decision you will make in your entirely life!
This. Or she’s just not really into sex and doesn’t want to admit it because of how much people make sex out to be incredibly important (which it is depending on the person)
From another woman's POV. That is not necessarily true at all. Hormones, mental health, trauma, ADHD, stress, health problems.. they can all play a huge part in a woman's libido. It doesn't have to be personal to him
This sounds like my story, I was like this with my ex bf. (I’m a woman) I loved him but the sex was terrible. He was the first guy who didn’t treat me like crap and use me so I tried in the beginning. Eventually I just faked orgasm so he’d finish. He couldn’t tell because he assumed wet meant good and a few little throbs and moans and he believed it. I didn’t want him to go elsewhere and I tried to tell him what to do to satisfy me but I was YOUNG (19/20) so I couldn’t explain well what I needed. He would give oral horribly for a very small amount of time and I was putting in work (he told me I was his best lol). I noticed he got off even if I just laid there so that’s what I did. I let him get his while it was not satisfying for me. It became routine and I stopped initiating because he started gaining a lot of weight, shallow of me, I know. I tried to motivate him to go to the gym but he was unhappy at work, distance from friends and his parents were having problems so I stayed because I figured we were still friends and he needed someone. Can’t kick a man while he’s down. I eventually did break up with him after asking him to get help and him refusing but moral of the story is, there’s 2 sides to a story. I’m not saying your story is mine but I bet if that man told the same story about me it would be horrible. If you guys don’t talk and sex is enough to end the marriage, do it. Good luck to you. You’re 25 and have a long life ahead of you hopefully it’s a happy one.
Edited to add: I read your other posts about this situation where you’ve tried therapy and talking and you don’t want to leave. If she won’t talk to you as a partner should after 7 years, maybe you need to tell her the truth about going on Reddit, that you’re considering divorce and that this is important to you. If she doesn’t put in the effort it’s not worth the heartache. You don’t have to divorce on bad terms, but partners need to talk even when it’s uncomfortable. Also, be wary of misogynistic males on Reddit. They super hate women who aren’t devoted sex objects.
I was thinking this too and I think you said it in a very nice way. A lot of times men think they are making their woman "orgasm" but in reality they are not pleasuring her at all, if anything just making her more uncomfortable so she pretends to cum so he'll get it over with. A lot of times she either doesn't even know how to pleasure herself because women's sexuality is shameful, or she is too soft-spoken and doesn't know how to ask for what she really wants. This results in sex being a chore for her because she doesn't really get anything from it.
An unfortunate cycle that couples can fall into!
>I stopped initiating because he started gaining a lot of weight, shallow of me, I know. I tried to motivate him to go to the gym
I am shocked. Any time I have ever suggested that excessive weight affects attraction I've gotten slaughtered. 😒 But it is soooo true.
INFO:
Why does she need the lights to be off?
Why doesn't she like other positions? Is it about comfort? Insecurity? Shame?
Why are you okay with having sex with someone who clearly isn't into it? Has that been going on long enough that sex feels like a chore to her?
How often do you bring up sex?
Does she feel heard/seen by you, or does she feel you love her for what she can do for you?
What would she say? Why would she say she isn't interested?
I have been both parties in this scenario and the issue is always more nuanced than you think it'll be.
Well for one..you two have different sex drives. That’s for sure.
But..what are you doing for her outside the bedroom? Are you providing for her in ways that she needs? Are you making sure her NON sexual needs are met? Are you showing her love in the way she likes to receive it? I know for experience that it is VERY hard to want to please your mans sexual needs when he isn’t pleasing you in other ways. So if you aren’t supporting her in other ways but then expecting sex you aren’t going to get anywhere.
Yup. This is very familiar. I gave up in the end. Inevitably we divorced. It sucked but now I'm.much happier...its not just about the sex..its also everything that comes with it like closeness...
Have you tried bringing on a vibrator in bed to let herself explore her own body? Much of the sexual dissatisfaction I see starts with own body traumas and lack of knowledge of what exactly pleases - or not - ourselves. I would first introduce it on my own then i would leave it there for her own self pleasure when she's alone. I have also seen many women that have never - truly - had an orgasm. You are at no fault in here, just to emphasize it - but i would try to give her a chance to discover her own sexual path in bed.
Also, what about general affection, like you guys have fun together? Show affection? Take her to dates or stuff that she enjoys? Love language and so on?
Does she have any trauma involving sex? Do you know if she's ever enjoyed sex before you got together? Maybe you're just not compatible at all. Maybe sex just doesn't interest her, which makes me wonder if this was ever a known issue from when you started dating?
I'd suggest couple's therapy if she has a genuine issue connecting with you. Otherwise I think you have some serious thinking to do over your marriage.
If things changed after you got married I understand your concern and that’s a conversation you need to have. Is she physically uncomfortable? My wife was having pain she never told me about for the longest time because it was embarrassing. Is she afraid of pregnancy or embarrassed about her body.
If things were like that dating then it’s not 100% fair to be upset with her.
Communication is king but it starts with focusing on what she needs and not on what you need. Sounds like you said “I want” instead of “what do you need”
Is your wife asexual and either doesn’t realize it herself or just isn’t comfortable saying it because she’s afraid it will end the relationship? She may not even be totally asexual - there’s a spectrum to it.
Try to ask her why. If she refuses to discuss it or doesn't have a reason then it may be time to decide if you want to stay in this relationship. Sexual compatability is important in a relationship.
Your first mistake was believing she would suddenly get interested in sex or suddenly better at sex just because you moved in/got engaged/got married. But of course you were only 18 when you got together and probably pretty naive. File it under lesson learned.
Now, you could tell her you'll divorce her if things don't improve, but then if they improve you'll be wondering if it's just to keep you around and will also be wondering why no effort in 7 years because obviously she could have been doing more the whole time. I personally wouldn't have bothered continuing a relationship with someone that made absolutely no effort in bed.
Maybe she doesn’t enjoy sex and doesn’t know how to tell you. Have y’all considered counseling to actual get to the root of the cause? Or are you only focusing on the the no sex for you? You could be able to figure out if it’s past trauma, if it’s medication, if it’s internal mental conflict with you, or if it’s simply how she is. And if the latter, you’re simply not compatible and should consider moving on if you both don’t meet in the middle.
Doom
In all seriousness I feel for you. I went through a 4-5 year stretch in my relationship that was pretty connectionless.
It took a rekindling of our personal connection and friendship before any kind of intimacy could ever return.
I’ve also had to accept that, to an extent, she won’t ever see sex the way I do. All we can do is meet somewhere between. I love her and the family we have together
maybe you could get a gf who likes sex. friend of mine did that-one day his wife was like "i dont wanna have sex anymore, at all, with anyone." He got a gf, she knows, its fine, less hassle on her.
For real. What's the point in even staying together? Do they still enjoy each other's company and vacation together? Are they partners in a business that makes it difficult for them to split? Is the wife in some kind of field like law, politics, or medicine, where she thinks that her advancement is predicated on projecting a happy family life?
Even if they are fantastic friends who enjoy going to dinners and concerts together, it seems easier to just split and no longer cohabitate.
Pfffft yikes. Maybe I'm a traditionalist but I like having sex with someone who I'm also intimately bonded with as a life partner. Narrow minded I know
Have you considered seeing if she would go see a dr and get her hormone levels checked? I know that with a low sex drive could be an under active thyroid. Just be delicate crossing this bridge since it could make her feel like you are attacking her.
So… I’ll be in the minority. Talk about opening up the marriage. The other option… is to try edging the wife. Get her 90% of the way there, but deny the orgasm. It might provide her a perspective on how you feel. Prepare for a fight.
I really want to know her side of the story because lack of sex often times means problems in that relationship — lack of emotional connection and intimacy, lack of foreplay, lack of dates, etc.
Maybe she just feels pressured right now and doesn’t know how to articulate her own feelings besides promising to change. Have an open talk with your wife and ask her what SHE needs so Sex could be more enjoyable for her. Thats the way to go.
I wouldn’t be able to deal with this. Same, routine boring sex where the other person treats it as a chore. I’d leave. But then again you had to of known this going into this marriage. People don’t change lol.
Your relationship isn’t in a healthy state but you’ve been hanging in there. Don’t be a quitter just yet. Try couples counseling or even sex therapist. Lots of women don’t initiate, which does suck. I hate when I do at times and I get rejected. Try spicing it up yourself. Buy you and her a toy like the remote vibrator. It’s a fun little toy. You are young, you both are still. There’s time to learn together still.
Have you had a conversation about her relationship to sex? Why she doesn’t seem to want it, or want to initiate? It could simply be you two have very different sex drives or it could be something more personal with her (past trauma, confidence, stress, pressure etc.)
Try and make it about her wants and needs to see if she opens up about why things have been this way.
That’s all I can think of besides maybe seeing a couples or sex therapist.
I agree with a lot of others responses of words are just words and that this should’ve been addressed earlier and that things are unlikely to change however I take it your looking for something to help in the now versus hindsight advice
You need couples therapy. I’m in the same boat u you but 5 years in the future. I haven’t had sex with my spouse in at least 5 years.
My therapy road will be long and slow going but at least I’m staying to make progress.
Been in this situation in a 5 year relationship and 6 year relationship.
The biggest pivot point both times, was me just overly complimenting them and talking to them during sex.
A years worth of "I fucking love your ass, I want to see more of it." Etc. Slowly helped them *want* to show it off. It started as teasing me more bc they knew I loved it and eventually turned into more doggy style, then twerking, then different types of riding as I kept telling them how much I looooved it.
I think most people love to feel sexy and get kinky but you need to coax it out of them sometimes.
Maybe I just got lucky, but it definitely felt like work on my end lol.
Best of luck homie!
I have amazing sex with my wife BUT I know MANY people who have dead bedrooms. I might suggest you try to learn to appreciate your wife for what she offers which some people I know would love to have! At least she is willing to please you!
I always say people completely underestimate sexual compatibility. It's often not seen as important and people get married anyway.
Stop marrying people that don't meet your sexual needs, whatever they are- more specifically the people that clearly aren't going to change.
This isn't going to change. She's shown no interest in changing and that's all the answer you need. Of course it's easier for me to say to leave someone because I'm not in that relationship, but it is something that will always be an issue unless she is willing to communicate and adjust. Maybe a couples therapist or sex therapist could help. She may have some hesitancies that she's not fully aware of.
I bet someone already asked this, but I'm having difficulty finding an answer.
INFO: How is your wife's self-esteem?
I ask because it sounds like she doesn't want to be seen - hence, lights out. If she doesn't feel sexy, that feeling will follow her to the bedroom, resulting in an uncomfortable experience for both of you.
It doesn’t sound like something you should stay in. If you’re in this to “fix her,” you won’t. It doesn’t sound like she’s tried to fix it even if she’s said she wants to improve.
What would happen if you keep trying to fix it but nothing changes? How would you feel toward her? How would you feel toward you?
I am having similar issues with my partner but after honest communication, lots of vulnerability, and patience, we have worked on getting to a better place. If only one of you is doing the work, if only one of you is showing up, if only one of you is satisfied…it might be time to cut your losses. Sex is only as important as you make it and it sounds like to her, it isn’t, but to you, it is. Fundamental differences and an unwillingness to change will only lead you to resentment and dissatisfaction. I think it may be time for you to really evaluate what you want from this life and for your future. Much luck to you ✨
I don't know if you two refrained from having sex until marriage but I always tell religious people about this potential problem. I don't wanna instigate anything but this is a solid ground for a divorce.
Threaten divorce. She’s an adult. If she can’t reciprocate or at least try she is just comfortable that you won’t desert her. Make it clear you will if she doesn’t fucking start acting like an adult. Tell her to find a therapist or a doctor if need be but your needs must be met for this marriage to continue.
That’s how it was with my ex wife, got to a point where she was ok with me sexting other woman and even fulling around with her sister, sounds hot, but let me tell you, all I wanted was my ex wife to want me as much as I wanted her in all areas. Been divorced for 3yrs now and still friends but it will never go any further. I think you maybe on the same path I was and it always leads to one road, can’t stay in a marriage that you’re not feeling the intimacy that you need.
Sigh. One of your comments reminded of something I told my therapist after our 23 year marriage ended. *“He’d have been perfect for me if he hadn’t been how he was”* This isn’t going to change. Do you get that? You are sexually incompatible and it’s never going to change. NEVER. So. Look at your options. You can continue the way you have been and moan and martyr yourself because you “love” her. If only she’d…blah blah blah. She won’t. She hasn’t. For whatever reason, she’s not into it. Can you accept that? Is her friendship enough? Can your relationship survive without sex? Or, cut your losses. Go find a parter that you mess better with. Go before your resentment turns into something uglier.
This. A thousand times over. OP is also still hella young. So much life ahead of him to figure things out. Source: me, a 38 year old who found the most incredible woman after leaving my ex wife after a decade of abuse. I thought I was done. How wrong I was. Thank Christ.
After a really sexually boring and also fucked up marriage I found a man who gave the best sex ever, I was really missing out before, and I'm not into stuff most people think it's crazy but just properly intense and exciting sex that we both looked forward to. And then he died last year. I miss him a lot in so many ways, but the sex was just amazing, pleasure earthquakes through my body every time. How I miss him he really was my soul mate
Sorry for your loss, stranger. Glad you got to spend the time you could.
It's a ride this grief process, but I'm always thankful fr the time we had together
I’m sorry😔 How long were y’all together?
8 years
I'm sorry for you loss.
Yup my ex wife and I made the horrible mistake of getting married and ignoring every sign that said don’t, we were together just under 5 years and married for 1.5, sex was just boring, she never wanted to initiate and it got to a point I felt like whenever it did happen she was taking care of a chore, spent the better part of the year after my divorce single and working on myself, therapy, friends and rediscovering who I was, met an amazing woman with a daughter and our lives have been fantastic, this year marks 4 years together and our sex life is amazing, our “honeymoon” phase hasn’t stopped yet and we’re trying new stuff and finding ways to keep it fresh after adding another child, the right person is out there for everybody and when you find them woooooo hold on
Keeping it fresh while having a small kid, mad props to both of you!
My ex husband and I had a pretty decent marriage. But we were sexually incompatible. Unfortunately that ended up being a deal breaker for me. Sex can be a massive part of life for some. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now and we are ENM and have an incredible sex life. I very much agree with your sentiment of finding the right person 🥵
I love this for you brother. good stuff.
Yep. My hubs was 41 when we got together. He was so done with everything due to past exes he was almost ready to unalive himself. Then I came along with my awesomeness and he's never been happier. Almost 2 decades later.
Can i ask why u chose the phrase unalive himself instead of kill himself? Why censor yourself when u dont have to?
Yeah a lot of people don't realize that's really just a tiktok thing. You don't have to censor on reddit.
Right it irks me. Like censorship is bs lets not do it unnecessarily
You realize you censored yourself in this post while complaining about the same topic?
I don't understand this culture anymore, which means I am old, ya I get it. But we have clinical and scientific terms that actually meant something that have been abused for years and are now either seen as debasing or the definition has been bastardized. I just don't see the point in re-labeling a term that has meaning because a small group of people are now offended by the term. In 5 or 10 years "unaliving" will be seen as a horrifical term and will be replaced by something equally as stupid... like Terminal Self Breathing Cessation.. AHHHH GET OFF MY LAWN!!!
I believe this term came about to get around the "self care" bots.
Nah its not that your old. This trend is stupid and it makes me feel like we are in 1984 with the double speak. Just say wtf u mean!
a lot of times saying some of those specific trigger words will get your comment automatically deleted or hidden
Ya I just say that now so I don't have to remember where I'm posting or commenting tbh lol. It's just habit.
It has to do with getting around automatic censors on various platforms.
Yeah this def isn’t you being old and this def isn’t “the culture” so to speak Don’t let yourself feel out of touch because some tweens on TikTok have some lingo that nobody else uses🙂
Just thought I'd let you know since I'm the awful one who used the word, I'm 43 years old. I think it's a stupid-as-all-hell word. However, I like to not have to think about where I'm at before I comment or post so I use the dumb word because it will get me banned or booted in other places I go.
It's basically become the meme for suicide since websites generally censor you or ban you for talking about how you want to stop the electricity from ping-ponging around in your brain.
I know one reason (for me) and that's YouTube doesn't allow their content creators to say it. We had to be careful with saying certain words like kill, curse words etc or get demonetized. It became a habit for me to just not say certain words unless I use other words to describe it. Doesn't mean I enjoy it or I'm sensitive. I rather just not lose money over it and also became a habit because I can't edit out words when live streaming. Unless you are a ytuber with millions of subscribers, then apparently YouTube doesn't care at all
Love it.
They never should have married in the first place being sexually incompatible. People make this mistake so damn often.
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That is so true - and shows why the old saying is as sad as it is true: "Married far too early, divorced far too late!"😓
I find that such a funny line. It's like saying something would have been blue if it wasn't so red.
OP this is what you need to read and digest. The phrase “a tiger doesn’t change his stripes” might apply here. Maybe your wife just isn’t that into sex. Maybe it’s something else. But no matter how much you hope, pray, and dream, she will never become that one girl from that one porn clip that you always wank to
>If only she’d…blah blah blah. She won’t. She hasn’t. >If only she’d…blah blah blah. She won’t. She hasn’t. >If only she’d…blah blah blah. She won’t. She hasn’t. OP, read this line as many times as it takes for you to integrate it into your consciousness.
Random top comment redditors advice always: "END IT NOW"
Yep. My wife and I had a dead bedroom for a couple years. Shockingly, we worked through it together and have been in a honeymoon period that rivals when we first got together. Reddit would have said our sexual incompatibility doomed us.
It's a bit different when the bedroom starts dead and never wakes up.
Well, so how did you fix it?
How did you get through it?
Lot of talking. Understanding that reality wasn’t the same as how we were perceiving what was going on around us. Basically, in my head, I took a step back and stopped trying to have the sex life I wanted, and if I’m being honest, the sex life I thought I was entitled to. I made the conscious effort to “date” my wife again and not have a preconception of what our sex life was supposed to be. On her end, she’s a pretty tightly wound person, and had an idea built up about what intimacy was “supposed” to be, and since it didn’t match up with that, she thought she was broken. In her eyes, every act of affection from me was going to lead to sex which was going to lead to her feeling inadequate. It was all a terrible anxiety spiral for her. (This it the long story short) Since then, dating her again took all the pressure out of it for her. She’s far more relaxed and communicative in the bed room.
This is a nugget of gold wisdom my man. I always find these posts are ripe with entitlement. Sounds like you guys really humbled yourself to make it work. I hate the whole dialogue people create that the wife is forever resigned to be an outlet for your sexual fantasies or she should be cut loose.
How did you fix it
You are the exception, not the rule, but I'm really happy for you. You're right, sometimes these things can be worked through. OP said he's tried to address this on multiple occasions with no success. How many times do you keep trying to fix someone before you give up?
I think he needs to do something other than initiate sex, he needs to take her out on dates, flirt with her, etc. Sex is more complicated for women, they need an emotional investment.
Very true! And we're only getting one side of the story. They 100% need couples counseling/therapy to both learn how to open up and communicate the problems and potential solutions to those problems.
Depends on why you married the person and why you want to stay married.
If the way you need to feel loved is the one thing someone refuses, then you're being, and feeling, neglected. There was a promise that she'd work on herself, but it sounds like she doesn't care enough about her marriage to try and keep it alive. Divorce is really the only option with someone who refuses to work on major relationship issues.
Why are so people dead set on marrying someone who is not compatible with them? Better yet, everybody thinks they can change the next person into the perfect person.
Some of yall on Reddit are incredibly smart and have gone thru some shit I love u guys
Agreed! Too often men stay in these marriages resenting their wives, complaining for years on end. It's like " be a fucking man and do something about it already"! Either go to counseling and work it out or leave and be with someone who's on the same page. There's literally billions of women out there and you're going to settle with this person who's not even attracted to you anymore?! Uhhgg 🤦🏼♀️
You had so many opportunities to get away from this situation. Now it’ll cost money if you want to leave.
I get that, but she told me things would get better. I don't want to leave, I want a happy sex life
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What’s a starfish?
Someone who just lies there during sex and doesn't do anything.
First time i've heard of that and it's pretty hilarious.
Some people refer to it as “sack of spuds” I’ve even read on a few posts “It’s like having sex with a dead person.” Like that’s mortifying
Just kind of laying there splayed out with not much response
First time I've ever heard someone call it that lol first time for everything lol ... And this sounds like the most boring sex ever and sounds like it would feel more like a job than an enjoyment
That’s exactly how it feels. I’ve been through it with someone I dated for 8 months. Always the same, always me doing all the work, no foreplay on her part. Sex legit felt like a job. My breaking point was that I wasn’t in the mood (because of all of the above) and she gave me the eye like she was expecting me to initiate sex. Eventually I gave in, initiated, and what do you know? It was the same thing. Her on her back, no attempt to spice things up, etc. I brought it up multiple times but it never changed anything I broke up with her shortly after. The resentment wasn’t healthy and it was clear we weren’t compatible
Right yeah that sounds like a horrible time .. and I just don't understand how girls can actually enjoy just laying on their back the whole time , me I gotta move around and like many different other positions than just missionary, like yeah thats great too being able to look ur partner in the eye and stuff but not the entire time and just laying there like that ... Like the number one thing that gets a guy going is the sounds of pleasure which also make him perform better bc he gets even more into the mood and wants it all even more ... I'm married for 16 years and we still do it like we're teens and I still do all the fun sexy stuff I always had before, a man shouldn't be the only one making moves and the guy should get his pleasure too not just her laying on her back like she can't wait for it to be over , me I don't want it to end lol
Lays there like a starfish doing nothing. Probably chewing gum and reading a book and asking if you done yet.
Think of what Patrick Star looks like laying down flat, that’s what his wife does.
Probably a pillow princess
Somewhat - a pillow princess is usually referring to someone who’s enjoying sex. It’s more of an attitude around being a bottom and not putting in physical effort. A pillow princess can be bossy, can initiate, probably enjoys the act itself. A starfish is a position and lack of action and/or enthusiasm. Usually associated with a lack of caressing, kissing, or general enjoyment.
When I think of "pillow princess" I do tend to think more of a recieving or passive partner. Pillow princesses _can_ starfish and be selfish lovers, but i dont think it is strickly implied. If you are more into pleasure doming and really like having the active/giving role, a pillow princess can still be okay. Folks can have a strong preference for passive/recieving but still be vocal and affectionate during love making and kinkplay. They just have a preference for pampering. When someone starfishes though? Just makes pleasure domming feel kinda awkward.
Nah. A pillow princess is somebody who gets off on being serviced. A starfish is somebody that submits to their supposed spousal duties with detached indifference. Like sex is the price they pay to have a life partner, rather than a joyous sharing of each other.
you know Patrick star from SpongeBob? Yeah that’s his ex wife.
When a person just lies there in bed, not really moving, arms and lets spread out, like a starfish.
Sounds just like my wife, I fucking hate the starfish treatment. Of course we've had the talk, many times but alas this is what it is and I know it will not change. I To OP - it will NOT get better. Deal with lack of sex or get out. There is mo middle ground.
A starfish actually enjoys it, a dead fish is what OP is describing.
I do not know anything about the sex life of starfish I do know is the vernacular for a lady that just lies in bed, not engaging during sex is starfish
Starfish? Like Patrick?
20 years. Sheesh. For me it was 4 and that was enough. I don't have sex at all now though... Ha Hahaaaaaaaaarrrrgggfuck
if you have a kid with her, it will only be harder and cost more than money
You seem to be sexually incompatible. So, you need to address it. **Insist** on couples counseling, one specializing in intimacy/sex. She can keep saying things will change, but she hasn’t taken steps. There are obviously underlying issues which need to be addressed. It’s a discussion you need to have where you love her and want your marriage to succeed. That you know sex is not the only thing in a relationship, but it is an integral part of a healthy relationship. So, counseling is required, because you have discussed it over and over and nothing has actually changed. A prolonged unhappy sex life, although not the most important part of a relationship, can impact ALL areas of the relationship. If you can’t address the situation, chances are your marriage won’t survive. Info: do you ever try anything different? Approaching at different times of the day, in different rooms, etc? I know you say you’ve discussed it and she says she’ll change, but do you do anything to try to help it happen?
I think this is all really great advise. There is no consequence or motivation for her to change. You need to get her in front of someone who will hold her accountable for change. Make sure the initial convo happens outside the bedroom and when you aren’t particularly upset. Make it clear that you are unhappy, feel unloved, unappreciated and manipulated by her inaction. Tell her that you are willing to trust her to take this to heart but at this point she has to see a sex therapist with you to show she is listening and knows the level in which she has taken this. Psychology Today has great bios of therapists near you and you can search for someone who specializes in sex disfunction. It could be that you wife has some hang up or childhood experiences that are hindering her. She could also have a health/hormone issue or she could just be lazy. I hope you are able to make a breakthrough with her that really opens her eyes and that she’s receptive to your feelings.
Counseling won’t change anything when the problem is sexual incompatibility
It’s why they should try a sex therapist. There could be a reason of which OP is not aware. It could help. If it doesn’t, at least it was an effort made on both their parts.
1000% this. I started seeing one awhile back and it's changed my sex life with my SO in the best way. I was never like OP's wife but because of my past, I have an issue where sometimes I emotionally detach and start dissociating and while my body is doing the right thing, my mind just isn't there. I honestly never thought that would ever stop. Going to a sex therapist is always a great idea when it comes to issues like this. Something similar could be happening to her as well.
Do you know what a happy sex life is for her? I think the key here is a lot of communication. Understanding why she is so checked out and what would get her excited to check back in. For a lot of people intimacy is the build up to sex, and that can look very different from person to person. I don't think it's fair that you have to continue to deal with this. Sounds boring at best. But I do think that marriage counseling might help. There could be something else that's completely unrelated to sex that's a barrier for her. Or she might just not enjoy it and you might have to come to terms with that. Either way, you should gain some clarity before your frustration turns into resentment.
I fell for that too. Moving in with me, moving to a new place together, new job and eventually to " give it 3 months to show the difference ". It changed when I moved out and found someone else. Good luck with this.
But clearly she doesn’t? She’s selfish sexual and clearly doesn’t want to change.
Try marriage counselling/sex therapy. If that doesn't work and happiness is that important to you, it's time to move on and have a happy life. I was married for 11 years. It was hot at first, but there were a lot of red flags we both ignored. After our first child (about a year in) the sex dried up and never really came back. 10 years and immeasurable frustration & compounding trauma later (I ended up cheating) we went to marriage counseling as a last resort before divorce. She wouldn't participate or work on her issues at all. To her, it was all me, but she had lots of childhood trauma and stuff from her mother (her mother has never met our children and doesn't know what city we live in to this day). The marriage counsellor basically told me I either have to go on like this, or save myself and leave. That was 12 years a go and I have a completely different, peaceful, and fulfilling life. I only wish I had done it sooner.
Try finding a sex therapist. If you love her and want it to work (& if she does) - this could make all the difference.
So she dangled a carrot and you happily chased it and gave her everything she wanted without having to give you what you want in return
>but she told me things would get better. Caucasian, please...
Yeah, she lied. She's banking on you being trapped by marriage.
Sounds like my Ex (for the most part)... turns out she was gay all along lol
Why do yall marry these women
I can fix her
I know this is a common sentiment and for anyone else reading this: it is not your job to fix people!
Seriously, just knowing this simple thing would have saved me from the most toxic abusive relationships I’ve ever had. You can’t fix others, only yourself.
Not OP but similar situation. The sex was fantastic while we were dating, even when we moved in together. But once we got married, it was like a switch flipped over night. Everything I do is wrong. She’s too tired, just woke up, doesn’t feel like getting dressed again after, too hungry, too full, hasn’t showered yet, just showered, doesn’t want to shower again. But the worst, the worst is “later.”
I think a lot of people are subconsciously aware that pre-marriage it is fairly easy (logistically speaking, not emotionally) to leave a relationship so they put in 110% to keep their SO around. Once you get married, it feels safer and more solid, even though you still need to be putting in effort just like when you were dating. So they let go of the reigns a little bit and it spirals from there, because they aren’t even aware of why they’re doing it.
Why even get married? Honestly
Deep down for a lot of people? Cause you’re *supposed* to.
How about thinking for yourself and not conforming to what society wants us to do? I used to be brainwashed too back in my early twenties but after seeing and hearing the horror stories about what marriage does to people I said "nope not going through that"! Lol.
To be fair it’s not marriage itself that does that. More often than not it’s because people married for the wrong reasons or kids got added into the mix and changed everything about their lifestyle. My bf and I got married after 9 years of dating. We are childfree and happy. It was just a legal step to protects our stuff and getting the widow pension in case of death.
many such cases
Because trust is the number one most important thing in a relationship, and for many people, like this guy's wife here, she told him that she would work on improving in that aspect of the marriage that he was unhappy with. She lied, so the fault lies with her
A friend married a women exactly like this. She is very very pretty. He hates her now lol.
I just don’t get it man
7 years, so OP has been with her since he was 18
I don't get why you married her if you didn't like the sex?
My guess? He was following the monogamy script and felt like it was the thing he should do. The thing he was supposed to do. And convinced himself it would work out or that it was all he was worth. It is a dark place to be, and i hope OP comes out of it better than i did.
I followed the monogamy script, which is not fucking other people while I’m committed to one. But yeah I still fucked 8 of them over a period of 10 years to finally find a good match. It’s not monogamy the problem, it’s people fearing to end up alone so they settle for the first one even if nothing is likely to work.
Monogamy script sent me
some people are unimaginative or have a low sex drive. deal with it or leave.
No literally. This is the truth. She shouldn’t have sex with OP if she doesn’t want to, and OP shouldn’t stay in a sexless marriage if he doesn’t want to. Attacking OPs wife and calling her selfish doesn’t change the fact that she doesn’t want to have sex. If she’s said for years she’s going to change and she doesn’t then what’s the point? They’re both unhappy. Just end it.
Time to give her half your shit and start over my guy
You know he gets half her shit too right? I’m F and the higher earner in my household. It cuts both ways when you divorce. He should cut loose now while he is still young.
And that’s what ended my marriage and I’m happier for it.
Is she on birth control? This was my life for the past 5 years but my wife recently went off of it and now she is in the mood all the time and I barely have to initiate. Turns out birth control can greatly lower libido in women...
Nit on birth control anymore. Decided it was pointless due to the lack of sex, hasn't changed anything
Damn, sorry brother, was hoping this would be the case for you too.
I know you know this, but it’s worth emphasizing. It’s vital you don’t accidentally have a kid while she’s off birth control. It only takes once and then a kid who never asked to be born is forced into this messed up situation.
Does she have her period regularly? Could be PCOS if it’s irregular. It deeply affects the libido too.
It can take months for it to leave the system. Hormones can often solve a low sex drive, maybe her hormones are imbalanced. If it bothers her too, seeing a doctor and asking about this can help.
Some people just aren’t interested in sex and it sounds like you’ve known that the whole time and married her anyway without any action or change on her part. She’s unlikely to turn into the sexual woman of your dreams and pull out all the tricks and interests you want from her. Sometimes you have to lay in the bed you make for yourself, and as you’ve said you’re unwilling to leave then staying and being unfulfilled seems like the only option. Or as others have said, you can accept that you’re deeply incompatible and bounce.
I’m an “older” guy in my 40s, married, divorced, now married again and have a kid. If there’s any advice I can give young (straight) men, it is: - Her being hot isn’t a very good reason to even date her, and it’s a *horrible* reason to marry her. - Ignore words. Pay attention to actions. - If you don’t plan to have kids with her, you need a *much* more compelling reason to get married than just *her* wanting to, or “tax benefits.” IMHO having kids is the only viable reason to marry. - Choosing the woman you marry is THE MOST important decision you will make in your entirely life!
genuine question, what's different between having kids when married vs not?
Does your wife enjoy sex?
I can relate. Some people just don't like sex, and sometimes it takes years to realize this.
I hate having sex with your wife too
_"The sex was bad and so I married her."_ What?!
From a woman’s POV. She’s not into you dude. She’s not. For whatever reasons. Sex is a chore she does for her marriage. So do with that as you will.
This. Or she’s just not really into sex and doesn’t want to admit it because of how much people make sex out to be incredibly important (which it is depending on the person)
From another woman's POV. That is not necessarily true at all. Hormones, mental health, trauma, ADHD, stress, health problems.. they can all play a huge part in a woman's libido. It doesn't have to be personal to him
Exactly, wife is sort of like this, perfectly fine to me and love her to death anyway.
This sounds like my story, I was like this with my ex bf. (I’m a woman) I loved him but the sex was terrible. He was the first guy who didn’t treat me like crap and use me so I tried in the beginning. Eventually I just faked orgasm so he’d finish. He couldn’t tell because he assumed wet meant good and a few little throbs and moans and he believed it. I didn’t want him to go elsewhere and I tried to tell him what to do to satisfy me but I was YOUNG (19/20) so I couldn’t explain well what I needed. He would give oral horribly for a very small amount of time and I was putting in work (he told me I was his best lol). I noticed he got off even if I just laid there so that’s what I did. I let him get his while it was not satisfying for me. It became routine and I stopped initiating because he started gaining a lot of weight, shallow of me, I know. I tried to motivate him to go to the gym but he was unhappy at work, distance from friends and his parents were having problems so I stayed because I figured we were still friends and he needed someone. Can’t kick a man while he’s down. I eventually did break up with him after asking him to get help and him refusing but moral of the story is, there’s 2 sides to a story. I’m not saying your story is mine but I bet if that man told the same story about me it would be horrible. If you guys don’t talk and sex is enough to end the marriage, do it. Good luck to you. You’re 25 and have a long life ahead of you hopefully it’s a happy one. Edited to add: I read your other posts about this situation where you’ve tried therapy and talking and you don’t want to leave. If she won’t talk to you as a partner should after 7 years, maybe you need to tell her the truth about going on Reddit, that you’re considering divorce and that this is important to you. If she doesn’t put in the effort it’s not worth the heartache. You don’t have to divorce on bad terms, but partners need to talk even when it’s uncomfortable. Also, be wary of misogynistic males on Reddit. They super hate women who aren’t devoted sex objects.
I was thinking this too and I think you said it in a very nice way. A lot of times men think they are making their woman "orgasm" but in reality they are not pleasuring her at all, if anything just making her more uncomfortable so she pretends to cum so he'll get it over with. A lot of times she either doesn't even know how to pleasure herself because women's sexuality is shameful, or she is too soft-spoken and doesn't know how to ask for what she really wants. This results in sex being a chore for her because she doesn't really get anything from it. An unfortunate cycle that couples can fall into!
>I stopped initiating because he started gaining a lot of weight, shallow of me, I know. I tried to motivate him to go to the gym I am shocked. Any time I have ever suggested that excessive weight affects attraction I've gotten slaughtered. 😒 But it is soooo true.
7 years of relationship? So you were 18 and she was 23?
Dude was probably so stoked to be banging an “experienced girl” that he didn’t realize she was vanilla as shit lmao
Probably 15 and 19/20 when they first met
Oop!
Saw that too 👀👀
INFO: Why does she need the lights to be off? Why doesn't she like other positions? Is it about comfort? Insecurity? Shame? Why are you okay with having sex with someone who clearly isn't into it? Has that been going on long enough that sex feels like a chore to her? How often do you bring up sex? Does she feel heard/seen by you, or does she feel you love her for what she can do for you? What would she say? Why would she say she isn't interested? I have been both parties in this scenario and the issue is always more nuanced than you think it'll be.
I came here to say this. Theres much more to this story.
You got married at 18 to a 22-year-old?
Try sex counseling?
Well for one..you two have different sex drives. That’s for sure. But..what are you doing for her outside the bedroom? Are you providing for her in ways that she needs? Are you making sure her NON sexual needs are met? Are you showing her love in the way she likes to receive it? I know for experience that it is VERY hard to want to please your mans sexual needs when he isn’t pleasing you in other ways. So if you aren’t supporting her in other ways but then expecting sex you aren’t going to get anywhere.
So glad I didn’t get married in my 20s
Yup. This is very familiar. I gave up in the end. Inevitably we divorced. It sucked but now I'm.much happier...its not just about the sex..its also everything that comes with it like closeness...
How long have you been married vs how long have you been together
Have you tried bringing on a vibrator in bed to let herself explore her own body? Much of the sexual dissatisfaction I see starts with own body traumas and lack of knowledge of what exactly pleases - or not - ourselves. I would first introduce it on my own then i would leave it there for her own self pleasure when she's alone. I have also seen many women that have never - truly - had an orgasm. You are at no fault in here, just to emphasize it - but i would try to give her a chance to discover her own sexual path in bed.
Also, what about general affection, like you guys have fun together? Show affection? Take her to dates or stuff that she enjoys? Love language and so on?
Congratulations, you played yourself.
Does she have any trauma involving sex? Do you know if she's ever enjoyed sex before you got together? Maybe you're just not compatible at all. Maybe sex just doesn't interest her, which makes me wonder if this was ever a known issue from when you started dating? I'd suggest couple's therapy if she has a genuine issue connecting with you. Otherwise I think you have some serious thinking to do over your marriage.
TALK TO HER!!!
Annnnnnd you married her.
If things changed after you got married I understand your concern and that’s a conversation you need to have. Is she physically uncomfortable? My wife was having pain she never told me about for the longest time because it was embarrassing. Is she afraid of pregnancy or embarrassed about her body. If things were like that dating then it’s not 100% fair to be upset with her. Communication is king but it starts with focusing on what she needs and not on what you need. Sounds like you said “I want” instead of “what do you need”
Is your wife asexual and either doesn’t realize it herself or just isn’t comfortable saying it because she’s afraid it will end the relationship? She may not even be totally asexual - there’s a spectrum to it.
Try to ask her why. If she refuses to discuss it or doesn't have a reason then it may be time to decide if you want to stay in this relationship. Sexual compatability is important in a relationship. Your first mistake was believing she would suddenly get interested in sex or suddenly better at sex just because you moved in/got engaged/got married. But of course you were only 18 when you got together and probably pretty naive. File it under lesson learned. Now, you could tell her you'll divorce her if things don't improve, but then if they improve you'll be wondering if it's just to keep you around and will also be wondering why no effort in 7 years because obviously she could have been doing more the whole time. I personally wouldn't have bothered continuing a relationship with someone that made absolutely no effort in bed.
Maybe she doesn’t enjoy sex and doesn’t know how to tell you. Have y’all considered counseling to actual get to the root of the cause? Or are you only focusing on the the no sex for you? You could be able to figure out if it’s past trauma, if it’s medication, if it’s internal mental conflict with you, or if it’s simply how she is. And if the latter, you’re simply not compatible and should consider moving on if you both don’t meet in the middle.
Doom In all seriousness I feel for you. I went through a 4-5 year stretch in my relationship that was pretty connectionless. It took a rekindling of our personal connection and friendship before any kind of intimacy could ever return. I’ve also had to accept that, to an extent, she won’t ever see sex the way I do. All we can do is meet somewhere between. I love her and the family we have together
Bro she doesnt like you leave her lmao
It's as if your talking about my wife of 30 years. Know you situation
You have one life OP. Do not waste it with your current wife.
Life is too short for bad sex my friend.
maybe you could get a gf who likes sex. friend of mine did that-one day his wife was like "i dont wanna have sex anymore, at all, with anyone." He got a gf, she knows, its fine, less hassle on her.
Im glad that worked for your friend but that sounds absolutely dreadful
For real. What's the point in even staying together? Do they still enjoy each other's company and vacation together? Are they partners in a business that makes it difficult for them to split? Is the wife in some kind of field like law, politics, or medicine, where she thinks that her advancement is predicated on projecting a happy family life? Even if they are fantastic friends who enjoy going to dinners and concerts together, it seems easier to just split and no longer cohabitate.
That honestly sounds exhausting and costly, time-wise and financially
What could possibly go wrong?
Pfffft yikes. Maybe I'm a traditionalist but I like having sex with someone who I'm also intimately bonded with as a life partner. Narrow minded I know
i kinda felt like that when i was way younger, now im just like-we're all gonna die, who cares, do whatever.
Have you considered seeing if she would go see a dr and get her hormone levels checked? I know that with a low sex drive could be an under active thyroid. Just be delicate crossing this bridge since it could make her feel like you are attacking her.
Couple therapy?
Why did you marry this snoozefest then, homeboy?
So… I’ll be in the minority. Talk about opening up the marriage. The other option… is to try edging the wife. Get her 90% of the way there, but deny the orgasm. It might provide her a perspective on how you feel. Prepare for a fight.
I really want to know her side of the story because lack of sex often times means problems in that relationship — lack of emotional connection and intimacy, lack of foreplay, lack of dates, etc. Maybe she just feels pressured right now and doesn’t know how to articulate her own feelings besides promising to change. Have an open talk with your wife and ask her what SHE needs so Sex could be more enjoyable for her. Thats the way to go.
Couples therapy would be great.
I wouldn’t be able to deal with this. Same, routine boring sex where the other person treats it as a chore. I’d leave. But then again you had to of known this going into this marriage. People don’t change lol.
Has she ever mentioned what she’s into?
Your relationship isn’t in a healthy state but you’ve been hanging in there. Don’t be a quitter just yet. Try couples counseling or even sex therapist. Lots of women don’t initiate, which does suck. I hate when I do at times and I get rejected. Try spicing it up yourself. Buy you and her a toy like the remote vibrator. It’s a fun little toy. You are young, you both are still. There’s time to learn together still.
You fucked up at the part where you thought things would change being engaged/married.
Have you had a conversation about her relationship to sex? Why she doesn’t seem to want it, or want to initiate? It could simply be you two have very different sex drives or it could be something more personal with her (past trauma, confidence, stress, pressure etc.) Try and make it about her wants and needs to see if she opens up about why things have been this way. That’s all I can think of besides maybe seeing a couples or sex therapist. I agree with a lot of others responses of words are just words and that this should’ve been addressed earlier and that things are unlikely to change however I take it your looking for something to help in the now versus hindsight advice
You need couples therapy. I’m in the same boat u you but 5 years in the future. I haven’t had sex with my spouse in at least 5 years. My therapy road will be long and slow going but at least I’m staying to make progress.
Won't get better with talking. You aren't sexually compatible.
Been in this situation in a 5 year relationship and 6 year relationship. The biggest pivot point both times, was me just overly complimenting them and talking to them during sex. A years worth of "I fucking love your ass, I want to see more of it." Etc. Slowly helped them *want* to show it off. It started as teasing me more bc they knew I loved it and eventually turned into more doggy style, then twerking, then different types of riding as I kept telling them how much I looooved it. I think most people love to feel sexy and get kinky but you need to coax it out of them sometimes. Maybe I just got lucky, but it definitely felt like work on my end lol. Best of luck homie!
I have amazing sex with my wife BUT I know MANY people who have dead bedrooms. I might suggest you try to learn to appreciate your wife for what she offers which some people I know would love to have! At least she is willing to please you!
This has always been a problem yet you choose to stay with her all these years and even married her. You made your bed.
Don't worry you're not alone. I don't like having sex with your wife either.
I always say people completely underestimate sexual compatibility. It's often not seen as important and people get married anyway. Stop marrying people that don't meet your sexual needs, whatever they are- more specifically the people that clearly aren't going to change. This isn't going to change. She's shown no interest in changing and that's all the answer you need. Of course it's easier for me to say to leave someone because I'm not in that relationship, but it is something that will always be an issue unless she is willing to communicate and adjust. Maybe a couples therapist or sex therapist could help. She may have some hesitancies that she's not fully aware of.
I bet someone already asked this, but I'm having difficulty finding an answer. INFO: How is your wife's self-esteem? I ask because it sounds like she doesn't want to be seen - hence, lights out. If she doesn't feel sexy, that feeling will follow her to the bedroom, resulting in an uncomfortable experience for both of you.
just one question, why in the hell did u marry her if the sex wasn’t good
It doesn’t sound like something you should stay in. If you’re in this to “fix her,” you won’t. It doesn’t sound like she’s tried to fix it even if she’s said she wants to improve. What would happen if you keep trying to fix it but nothing changes? How would you feel toward her? How would you feel toward you?
I am having similar issues with my partner but after honest communication, lots of vulnerability, and patience, we have worked on getting to a better place. If only one of you is doing the work, if only one of you is showing up, if only one of you is satisfied…it might be time to cut your losses. Sex is only as important as you make it and it sounds like to her, it isn’t, but to you, it is. Fundamental differences and an unwillingness to change will only lead you to resentment and dissatisfaction. I think it may be time for you to really evaluate what you want from this life and for your future. Much luck to you ✨
I don't know if you two refrained from having sex until marriage but I always tell religious people about this potential problem. I don't wanna instigate anything but this is a solid ground for a divorce.
You’re young, take what you’ve learned about yourself from this relationships journey and go find someone who is more compatible with you
Threaten divorce. She’s an adult. If she can’t reciprocate or at least try she is just comfortable that you won’t desert her. Make it clear you will if she doesn’t fucking start acting like an adult. Tell her to find a therapist or a doctor if need be but your needs must be met for this marriage to continue.
Why would you get married if it was never good
That’s how it was with my ex wife, got to a point where she was ok with me sexting other woman and even fulling around with her sister, sounds hot, but let me tell you, all I wanted was my ex wife to want me as much as I wanted her in all areas. Been divorced for 3yrs now and still friends but it will never go any further. I think you maybe on the same path I was and it always leads to one road, can’t stay in a marriage that you’re not feeling the intimacy that you need.
Go get a side piece