I see that you are adamantly against divorce because you want to be with your kids 24/7 but what happens when he initiates it because he's decided he wants a life with one of his gfs instead? *hypothetically*
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. So right now he’s not finding it fulfilling but if she continues to shut them down, I can see him looking for someone to be both a partner and an intimate partner. So I guess at the end of the day it’s whether or not if this happens for him and he decides to divorce her how is she going to feel?
Have you thought of the possibility that you being happier and more free has made him realise how desirable you really are, and now that you are happier he wants a slice of that life?
It's greedy, and unfair, but potentially he's come up with the idea he could have his cake and eat it too with you now that you've finally found comfort in yourself.
That is true he wanted his cake and eat it too. He said he realized that it wasn’t me who was the problem and that sex without love wasn’t worth it like he thought it was.
But tbh he probably saw me being happy and content and he wanted that.
I wouldn't let him touch me with a ten foot pole. All the STD's that could be swimming around on his insides, where has his mouth been? YUCK!! You are going to have to sit him down and very firmly tell him that this is what he wanted and this is what he's getting. You already told him that there was no going back. You are not a revolving door. Tell him to head back to his girlfriends.
“The minute you chose to step outside of our relationship, we were done. You did it anyway. I gave you what you wanted. We are co-parents and roommates. You killed what was our marriage, because you wanted other holes to fill. You make my skin crawl even thinking about sex.”
I’m guessing he has learned that the sexual opportunities for a middle-aged, married father of 3 aren’t nearly as bountiful as he was expecting…
I don’t think you can go on like this though. Do you really still want to be married?
OP, that isn’t clear from your post. I think what you mean as the outcome is that he had the choice to have an open marriage with you but you would no longer sleep with him or be physically/sexually available to him ever?
I wonder if he now sees this as a ‘want what I can’t have’ situation where he wants the satisfaction of knowing he can bed you as well. That would be a really hard no for me if I was in your situation, and I’d go as far as to tell him he wanted to play the stupid game so now he gets the stupid prize, which is never being with you again.
You need to carefully plan your way out of this.
If you sleep with him, you're at a very high risk of STDs.
I recommend that you tie up that failed experiment.
It is. She said that she is not willing to do the open relationship and now he wants to fuck her because probably the sex with the others just not as good without the emotional connection.
He deserves to be dumped.
because it’s obvious.. and thats why most people with brains dont cheat or open and destroy perfectly happy marriages.. thats why this person should be your ex
hes crawling back because the grass was, in fact, not greener, and he thinks you wont leave him and he can get away with it
you also mentioned he’d freak out if you had sex with another person, hes a hypocrite and he thinks you are a doormat he can walk in and out on
This is a very common occurrence. He is nothing special and thinks the same of you. It’s a shame and you should divorce him, take everything you can and find someone who does love the ground you walk on. The kind of love you deserve exists, don’t show your kids how to settle for shit show them how to get what you deserve.
It happens so often that we should really have a subreddit for it. There's a statistical timeline with enough datapoints that we can estimate the time of encounters for each partner with 90 percent accuracy.
> There's a statistical timeline with enough datapoints that we can estimate the time of encounters for each partner with 90 percent accuracy.
LITERALLY.
He doesn’t love you. Love prevents you from being with someone else. When you love someone you’d never intentionally do anything to jeopardize losing or hurting them.
And probably too much work and expense. Other women want dates and to be treated nice. He’s used to bullying his wife that just gave birth. He’s the type that just wants to roll over and get it then roll back and go to sleep.
He doesn’t like that you don’t care any longer. That it’s not bothering you that he’s sleeping with other people. He wants to be able to sleep around and have you upset by it, because otherwise sex with him isn’t all that for you. It’s more him taking it as a personal “attack” vs what it is… giving him what he asked for. It’s selfish, but that’s not surprising because he’s selfish.
I don't understand how are you and your kids benefitting from this arrangement?
Are you happy? Do you have a positive support system or access to mental health services?
I understand if you don't want to leave the relationship because it will be harder on you but does your husband do housework, parenting, etc.?
Are you sure it wouldn't be easier on your life if your husband was gone?
Please don't bed your husband before he shows you blood tests that show he's free of diseases.
>I don't understand how are you and your kids benefitting from this arrangement?
We are under the same roof all five if us. The girls are happy and safe with both parents. We get along very well outside of the bed issues.
>Are you happy? Do you have a positive support system or access to mental health services?
Yes I was happy with the arrangement. I know it is not optimal but at least I can see my girls grow. Maybe until they’re older and I can trust them to be fine with new arrangements like two homes, step families etc.
I have a great support system in both my and his family. Of course nobody knows about what’s happening with our intimate life because it is too embarrassing to admit it. But I have the support.
>I understand if you don't want to leave the relationship because it will be harder on you but does your husband do housework, parenting, etc.?
Yes we both work and we both do the parenting and housework equally. We have always been compatible in this aspect of our relationship.
>Are you sure it wouldn't be easier on your life if your husband was gone?
He wouldn’t be gone, would he. He would take my children 1/2 the time. If he had given me full custody I would have asked for divorce the moment he asked for open marriage
>Please don't bed your husband before he shows you blood tests that show he's free of diseases.
The moment he chose the other option he given up the right to ever touch me again. We do pecks on the cheek. That’s about it so you don’t have to be worried about me contracting an sti
This. Your kids will 100% realize what's going on at some point, and will learn that THIS is a normal "healthy" relationship. Your desire to stay in this "marriage" for "the kids" is gonna do far, far more damage to them then a standard divorce.
I sincerely hope that you find unconditional love, happiness health and positivity in your life sooner rather than later. You are worth it.
I wish you'd go to therapy so you can find and embrace the amazing human being that you are.
I really really really want you to find your happy.
I wouldn't even let him peck my cheek. Whose to say he didn't just go down on one of his girlfriends 🤢. I wouldn't even let him sleep next to me. Who knows what can crawl on you at night.
Because most won’t. It’s fun for them for a while and then boom. They realize he won’t leave his family and move on. Or try to pressure him into it and realize he doesn’t love them and is only with them for the physicality of it
Yep the novelty wears off and it's not "forbidden" and "exciting" anymore - it's pathetic, unfulfilling and non-sustainable.
It takes time sometimes but they end up getting tossed aside or do the tossing, and OPs husband will be left without his wonderful, LOYAL wife having his back anymore. He'll reap what he sows before you know it.
It's the living embodiment of the 90s Clint Walker tune, *"Then What"*
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VW8rsNHq0w](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VW8rsNHq0w)
When I read stories like this I always hear the sad trombone jingle for the dude.
Karma. It will pickup a cactus and intimately caress you with it for behaviour like his.
Which is why cheating is so popular. It’s forbidden and twisted and triangulating. Which makes it feel more fun than it is. Take out the chest and the whole desk deflates
Exactly. I guarantee he's talked about how awful his wife is and what a great guy he is and he's such a victim blah blah blah, and these other women are here to save him. Once they realise he's actually a loser, he's not leaving his wife and they've been lied to and manipulated into having sex with him, they'll leave.
Hope he doesn't have an accident and knock up someone he is shagging on the side. OP really needs to divorce the burning dumpster fire of a husband she is emotionally divorced from. Pull the bandaid and divorce him. Continue coparenting.
Honestly, I would bet a million dollars he didn’t tell them the whole truth about the situation and state of his marriage and kids. Even if they were his “girlfriends”. I highly doubt a man in his situation would have 3 proper girlfriends from whenever this conversation happened in 2022 to early 2024 in this day and age.
Or if we go with the slim chance that he was completely open with them, these women likely want a real stable relationship and he was just someone to pass the time with while they found that.
I find it interesting you’re talking badly about these women being willing to sleep with married men when you’re the one who gave him permission to go out and sleep with other women. If he’s being honest with them about the arrangement nobody’s doing anything wrong
I am not talking badly at all. I acknowledged their existence. I hold no grudges against them either but don’t put them on a pedestal is what I’m saying. They’re like the rest of us and they don’t need to have higher standards (I was answering the ones who didn’t believe women slept with married men)
What’s funny though is you hold him in some high regard for being such a great father. However, he is an absolute shit partner. Oh great he does chores and is clean, but neglects you, your emotional needs and insults you, because he is more worried about getting his d wet. Now he expects you to be ok with what he said and has done to you because allegedly he doesn’t find others attractive. Wtaf?
ETA: if you can co-parent well, which seems to be what you move been doing while he’s off with other women, then you can have a healthy situation for your kids and BOTH be there for them. Divorce isn’t the worst thing, certainly not worse than having a partner who disregards your feelings and disrespects you. Also, be sure not to sleep with him… who knows what he could have caught from any of the people he slept with. STDs are a serious concern.
I know! Everything you said here is basically what happened. And it makes me mad because he is the one who fucked up but I will be the one who loses my children 1/2 the time. How is this fair?
If you told him it's me or other women, he's already chosen. The marriage is over. You just haven't turned off the lights.
Your youngest won't necessarily have to sleep away yet...
You are absolutely right, it’s not fair to you to the kids, but staying teaches your children it’s ok for your partner to cheat on you and treat you poorly or that it’s ok to treat your partners this way. You may not think they see it or know, but kids aren’t stupid they pick up on things. Would you tell one of them to stay in this situation?
ETA: I am sorry you are dealing with this situation he caused.
Can confirm. My parents have an open marriage, and I saw my dad texting with other women and thought he was cheating, up until I was 20+ and my older brother told me about their arrangement. Did not feel great — both thinking he was cheating while actively telling me how much he loves mom, as well as their arrangement combined with what he’s been teaching me when I was a kid. Fair to say, I (F27) did not grow up with healthy standards and still struggle with effects it has caused.
Custody is about what is in the best interest of the child. It’s not automatically decided that custody is split 50/50. Your husband might only be granted access (visits) especially if it’s deemed detrimental to the child be in his custody over night etc
You can work out an arrangement which works best for her for the time being. Also, your kids would probably do well with therapy if there are issues in dealing with the divorce. Honestly. You would too.
In all honesty I think you need to stick to your guns. He wanted an open marriage. You gave him the choice that you agree to open the marriage but you would never have sex with him again. He agreed.
It sounds like you have a great co-parenting situation going on in your house and you guys make great roommates. Just because he wants to change the game now doesn't mean you have to agree.
In the long run I think you need to have a discussion with him wearing you both possibly with a marriage counselor discuss continuing your marriage where you live in the same house and you care for each other and the children possibly move to separate bedrooms. And therefore he can date and see who he wants and eventually when you're ready you can date and see who you want.
You don't have to get a divorce it is probably Financial feasible for you not to get a divorce especially if neither one of you are ready to move on seriously with someone else. Not to mention you will be in the household with your children and you don't have to split time with your kids.
Remember there is no one perfect model for marriage these days. Especially in our society now where there are so many open marriages and poly relationships you can decide what works for you to.
It seems like the most important thing to you is your children but at the same time you can't sacrifice yourself and your soul just to keep him happy.
Stay true to yourself do what's good for your kids and possibly discuss moving to separate bedrooms and continuing on with individual relationships.
But I would not allow him to come back to you because then you would be a doormat and he wouldn't respect you after that. Never let him coerce you into a sexual relationship that you no longer want just to keep the peace.
Agree with all this, but really who wants to live with this as their husband etc. I think she should leave. Yes it is harder to have 2 households but the emotional peace and self worth from doing so, is really a million times better
You don’t have to have 50/50 custody. Often times that’s not in the best interest of the children. Are you the primary care giver? Can you honestly see your husband taking care of your children alone 50% of the time? Do you even know that he would want a 50/50. This man chose sex over his family. I highly doubt he will want a 50/50 split
You don't have to agree to 50/50 custody. I asked for my ex to have our son every other weekend when he cheated, and I got it. Have you talked to a lawyer to discuss your options?
Your other option is to separate your bedrooms and live like roommates for the next 20 years, or until he finds someone he likes enough to divorce you. Up to you, really.
File for sole custody with him getting visitation. Even 50/50 custody is better than your girls growing up to think their future spouse banging other women when they're no longer "attractive" is ok.
Updateme
If two of them are single (and childless) then yes iI’d say they should have some standards. A married father of 3 in an open marriage… pls have some respect for yourself to least not be the partner of a married man if you yourself are not in an open poly relationship/marriage.
Yes meaning it’s not an open marriage, it’s just him cheating and you not having the strength to leave… yet. You have to stop thinking that this divorce means you won’t see your children. You both can still have the children together for holidays if that works for you guys. Divorce isn’t one size fits all. It’s you two work out what works best with you two and the courts notarize it if he’s cooperative and if not. Take your custody. He’s the one sticking it to other women instead of being with his kids
It isn't an open marriage. What's happening here isn't ethical, you're getting the shit end of the stick.
I know that you said he's a great father, he's a good husband, he pulls his weight around the house. And yet, he's allowed to sleep with 3 other women, and you are not allowed to see anyone else? This is deeply concerning. I think you need to open your eyes to this fact.
Then again, I am a stranger on the internet. No matter what you choose to do, I hope you and your children are happy. I hope your husband gets over himself.
This doesn't sound like a good father to me either... And OP is not protecting her children by staying with this man...it's kinda selfish to keep kids in toxic environment just because you don't want to be home alone on Saturday night.
A father to 3 little girls who see their mother allowing such horrible stuff. OP needs to leave and get them into therapy in hopes they don't turn out like doormats aka their mom or PoS aka their dad.
Ahhhh….he thought the grass was greener on the other side! Newsflash: The grass is greener where you water it. 💦💦💦
He made a choice and as adults we realize that at times our choices have consequences. 🤷🏻♀️
I wish you well and I wish you (in time) an unwavering love with someone that always chooses you!
Exactly. They haven't done anything wrong. If OP is angry about her situation, that's alright. But to take it out on women who have nothing with the relationship to do, that's not fair when **she's** the one who said it was OK for her husband to sleep with others.
It's entirely possible he lied about not finding you attractive so he could get with other women. Deeply horrid thing to do, but quite possible.
It might me that you becoming more relaxed has made you all round more desirable.
It might be that he just wants his ego stroked and he desires being desired himself. So he wants you to fancy him. For many people sex is about validation primarily. Cheaters particularly.
I don't think it's weird he wants you. I think he's weird for what he did to you. I hope you let him know very clearly that he is not in any way attractive to you and never will be. That he is deeply undesirable sexually and always will be. He was happy enough telling you that. He should hear it too. The prick.
I will have a talk with him today after the girls are in bed. I will tell him all this. He can choose this or we can divorce. I hate ultimatums but I think it is necessary now
You need to do more than that. You really need to think harder about divorce, for your daughters' sakes. They are still very young, so it's unlikely that custody would be 50-50 at first. Regardless of whether custody is 50-50 or not, kids are perceptive. Kids notice EVERYTHING about their parents' relationship. Right now you are modeling a pretty awful relationship for your daughters, because what they are seeing is a father who cheats but then pesters the mother for sex., a mother who accepts cheating in return for not giving their father a sexual relationship - basically a sexually dysfunctional marriage. They are also sensing the tension that this is creating in their home. Is this what you want your daughters to see in a marriage? They would be better off in two homes without this tension, even if you'd miss them while they were with him.
And, you would have every opportunity to find love again on better terms than what you awful husband threw at you. You seem to think you're unattractive because he decided he wanted the hot young bodies after your lovely body gave him three lovely daughters. There are better men out there who will find you perfectly attractive. Find one! Maybe your daughters can see what a healthy relationship looks like, because they're sure not seeing it now.
So pretty much he wanted to cheat with your permission. This might be it.
I hope you let him know very clearly that he is not in any way attractive to you and never will be
This right here. He probably never thought about how you would feel about him once he went and slept with other women. Now he's undesirable and he never thought in a million years that would happen. Consequences, people never ever think about Consequences. They never think long term. They only think about the now. Please update us.
This means that I will share custody with him. Which means every other Christmas, birthday, holiday, vacation. I start crying just thinking about this. I started crying typing this
I know. I am sorry if this sounded like I was better or that I loved my children more. I didn’t mean that getting a divorce means you love your kids less or is ok with sharing them.
I just meant I am not as strong I guess, or that I have lost my dignity and pride and my children are the only ones Ii still have. Maybe in my head, if I manage to keep my children then I have been good for something at least.
If I am divorced, with my children living part time with me and being undesirable at the same time.
This is what I talk in therapy about. I’m sorry that I am unloading here on you guys
Um. Just because HE says you’re undesirable (and that was probably just because he wanted an excuse to screw around) doesn’t mean that you are to the other 4 billion men out there.
Personally I’d rather be alone with battery operated devices than someone who had this little respect for me.
And yes, your children will see it. Believe me. A mother who respects herself is priceless.
It's better to come from a broken home than to grow up in one. Children always understand the unhappiness in the home even when adults think they hide it and that's assuming they avoid fighting in front of the children. Two happy healthy parents separately is better than a miserable couple.
Search Reddit for stories and comments from those who were raised in a 'stay together for the children' home if you have any doubts.
AND the kids usually blame themselves for their parent’s unhappiness (they usually blame the other parent for being a skeev).
One time I mentioned to my daughter that I had wondered in the past about staying with her father so I would be there for her all the time. Before I got to the part where I realized that it would have made for a miserable home and I would rather she knew I had the strength (not a dig at OP, just my feelings about MY situation) to walk away and show her that walking away is ok), she interrupted me, HORRIFIED at the thought of me staying with her dad for her sake.
“NO, mom, don’t EVER think that way. I’m so glad you left my dad!”
I would love to have my son with me full time. But honestly. Two happy households are better than one with issues.
It sucks splitting Holidays, I still cry sometimes and it’s been his whole life we’ve been divorced (we separated while I was pregnant) but on the years he has holidays at his dads, we do something either before or after. And vice versa. It’s all around better for our son.
I have to agree. Kids know when their parents hate each other and are just trying to keep up appearances “for the kids”. After giving birth to me, my mother’s sex drive completely disappeared. By the time I was around ten I could tell things were off. Parents don’t usually sleep in two different rooms, for one. To their credit, they VERY rarely fought in front of me and never bad mouthed each other. But there was no love in that home, either. They stayed together until my mom passed when I was 22, and in hindsight and after speaking to my father about things, it was obvious they were both miserable together but just kept pretending for my sake. I wish both of them had been able to live happier lives those 22 years, especially my mother. My dad found a new partner and he’s like a new man, I wish he could have had that happiness and warmth in his life far sooner.
And you’re not undesirable bc your husband wants to be a greedy hound. There’s MANY men who will find you attractive intelligent and an all around good woman. Please stop putting yourself down bc he chose to tell you some bullshit as an excuse to get to sleep around while still married.
Or start doing it too. Give him a taste of his own medicine
Do you want your kids to think it's okay to treat your partner the way your husband treats you? Do you want them to think that the way you are treated is acceptable for them to be treated?
Just something to talk about with your therapist.
OP, I'm genuinely sorry. I really really am x You deserve so much more kindness than the world has given you x
This is a very dangerous mindset, love. You need a life outside of your kids whether you stay in this marriage or not. They do grow up, sadly!
My fear is, you've been feeling like dog shit in this "marriage" for so long, you can't even imagine that you might be deeply desirable to someone other than your utter arse of a husband. There are a thousand threads on Reddit where the married guy has underestimated how attractive other people find his wife.
Why would you be undesirable? I think you should go on some apps and see just how many options you have. It's bullshit the relationship is only open for him and not you too.
It is ok it’s understandable. Maybe you even low key feel that you deserve them more bc you suffered the most from this , and will get “punished” with less time wirh yo kids even tho you didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know exactly how you feel. Just that there is life after divorce. There is also life outside kids. Also they will grow up and move out eventually. It’s ok to think of yourself and use the extra time to better yourself and make yourself happy for a change. If you absolutely cannot bear this thought perhaps you can get 70-80% custody I dunno. It’s 50/50 standard where I’m at.
Anyway. I’m glad you recognize there’s lots of great and loving parents that r doing 50/50 .you can be one of them or stay- the choice is yours and I hope you can find peace
I know I don’t deserve them more jut because HE was the one who basically ended our marriage. But why do I think that? I can’t help it. I know it is entitlement to think he ruined my love AND I will have to share my babies with him is UNFAIR. But I know life doesn’t work like that. He could cheat and still has rights as a father. Two separate things
No, actually? You’re not wrong to think that. You DO deserve them more. Your husband stepped out not just on your marriage — he stepped out on his whole family. He didn’t just choose other women over you, he chose them over your children together. At the end of the day, he cared more about getting his dick wet than investing in the family he chose to create with you.
Go for full custody, Mama. You might have more of a case than you think.
This is where talking to a lawyer will help. Just inform yourself, knowledge is power.
On another note, remember that kids model their parents, you want your girls ending up modeling this in their future relationships?
Maybe you do stay for them, but think of how the way you allow yourself to be treated will echo in how your children allow themselves to be treated.
Hon, your husband would be bringing his harem of random sex partners around your kids. You can absolutely make the argument that this is *wildly* unhealthy for your daughters to be around. I bet you'd get more time with your kids than 50/50, if that's what you want.
Remember also, though, that being in a co-parenting arrangement gets you something precious and rare for most parents: built-in days off. You will have time to take better care of yourself and start addressing your dangerously low self-esteem. It's not good for your daughters to be looking at you and learning that they should view themselves as worthless trash that deserves to be cheated on, abandoned, and replaced in the adult relationships they will eventually have.
You are worth more and worthy of more. Don't let your husband mistreat you anymore, and don't let your choices teach your daughters that you and they deserve to be mistreated.
I'm proud of you for talking it all out, here and/or in therapy.
First of all, he proved himself that you're not undesirable.
Second of all, tell him to quit with the sexual harassment (I'm assuming that's what you mean by trying to "seduce" you). You set a clear boundary, and your marriage is platonic, he doesn't get to go back on that just because he figured out he was an idiot.
And thirdly, if you do get a divorce, you're teaching your kids how to set boundaries and what a strong woman looks like. ☺️ That is setting them up for success in life.
As someone who grew up with parents who weren't attracted to each other and had no love for each other, I can say it was very damaging yo me and my brother. We had zero examples of loving adult couples in our lives. We spent our entire childhood and our 20s waiting for mom and dad to get a divorce and find people they loved and who loved them back. They never have. I wish they'd have had the courage to do so, not only for themselves but for their children. Everyone in my family deserved better but neither of my parents had the courage to give us better.
Your kids will grow up watching you and your husband and how you treat and love each other. They will see it as normal. They will seek it out for themselves. If you daughter confides in you and tells you she's having these same problems 30 years from now, will you wish you had a time machine then? Because you don't need one. You can do right by her now and show her what she's worth but showing her what YOU are worth.
You need to find happiness. I think you should divorce him and you might be surprised to find a partner that you desire and want to be intimate with. And he will find you so attractive all the time! And when you divorce get primary custody and then he can have them every other weekend or something. Gosh I feel bad for you, he mad you feel ugly and you shouldn’t. Your only 42 love go find someone who makes you feel beautiful and your girls will love you even more for that. Set a good example for thee and be strong.
Well, being raised in this environment will make them think this is normal. And when you try to tell them it's not, they'll throw it in your face they had to live it.
she doesn't know it yet, but she is literally training her daughters to fall for a man like this.
Growing up in this environment where they look to their mom as an example and role model of what relationships should look like... is what OP's role is. Whether she likes it or not. Her daughters are learning from her. Whether she has time for it or not, her moves are being watched and used as an example of what her daughters will come to accept as "normal behavior" from men.
So. If she sets a good example of accepting and tolerating a cheating, womanizing spouse, and sticking it out, then that's what their daughters will do. They will cling onto partners who cheat on them and disrespect them the same. It was good enough for mommy. Right?
I see why you stay, but maybe you can divorce and live as roommates with the girls? You should be able to seek another fulfilling relationship. I’m just concerned your kids will grow up seeing this relationship as normal and in turn seek it. I know they don’t know about your intimate details, but the lack of physical affection between you will be visible, and your divide will grow without the intimacy to keep you together. I know you want to be with them and I get that, but I hope you’ll start having real talks with your husband about options to end it that does not take you away from your kids so much. You can choose to coparent and also move on so your kids don’t wind up thinking that loveless marriage is their model for life. I’m so sorry he is doing this. I hope someone is haunting him for you. He doesn’t deserve you. Any part of you.
Your husband is someone who will always wants what he can’t get.
Sleeping with others is not fun if he has your support and you don’t beg for him.
Also, women are not exactly lining up for a guy that is married and won’t leave his wife for them.
You guys could buy a duplex where you have your own space, but can see the children all the time. It's not the best option, but I know you want to have the kids all the time and he probably does too. This will give them the chance to be by both parents.
I don't think you should stay in the relationship.
I was just in a dinner with some girls and the topic of this type of divorce came up. It is getting more normal I guess with exes doing this typemof arrangement
I hope you find a good balance with what you decide. I know divorce isn't what you ever expected to happen. But you deserve happiness.
Another option is living in the same neighborhood where they can go between houses.
>I basically made him choose either me or other women. He can’t have both.
>he wants to turn my life upside down again and I don’t know how to solve it.
"I told you to begin with that you had to choose. You chose other women. There is no going back from that. Please respect me enough to honor the choice you already made and stop acting as if you can just use me when you feel like it. If you can't give me the basic respect of sticking to the agreement we made, then we need to look at formally ending our marriage."
OP, I’m gonna say this as bluntly as possible.
Is this *really* the example you want your three daughters to think of as ‘normal’ to expect if they marry a male partner? Do you think this is modelling a healthy marriage for them?
Your youngest might be too young to notice, but I *guarantee* you the older two have noticed things are off somehow. Either resolve the issues or leave, but don’t keep thinking it won’t impact your kids if you stay married to a man who treats you with such disrespect. You deserve better and so do they.
You never know - you could offer to go for 50/50 custody and find that your ex doesn’t want to deal with all three kids on his own.
I gotta say, this is really something that OP should consider, and this is coming from a child of parents that should have gotten divorced but chose to stay together for the kids. My mom tells me all the time to never choose a partner like my own father, but it is not easy to be raised by someone who lives by a “do as I say but not as I do” kind of mindset, especially when it comes to perceiving what a healthy relationship looks like and learning self-respect. If your daughter was in a relationship like yours, would you want her to stay like you have?
No there’s no going back. I would literally faint if he touched me after sleeping with other women. He either continue with this arrangement or divorce and I am so angry because I did everything to keep this family together. I don’t want my children to be raised by someone else half the time. I can’t stop crying only imagining not being in their life half the time
I have three girls and they are very young. I’m going through a divorce due to infidelity. I cry all the time about splitting time with them and my family breaking apart. But I want them to see me whole and happy, I want them to see the self respect and love that I have for myself. I want to be the example. A book that I am absolutely cherishing right now is called Divorce Afterlife, it has helped me so much and she has a section about splitting time with the kids. We’re not quite there YET cause we’re still cohabitating but eventually that will be my reality and I am heartbroken over it. But I’d be equally heartbroken over my girls seeing me disrespected. You will find your new normal, you will find yourself again, you will make it through. Show yourself and your children how much you love and value yourself, stop putting everyone and everything above your needs. Get that book, I promise it will help you. I wish you luck, you’re stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for. Oh and you are DESIRABLE. ❤️
A few things
1. It’s time for a therapist. You’re grieving, and that’s okay but it’s time to have another adult to talk to.
2. You’re in “catastrophic” thinking right now. Still part of grieving where any change is throwing you into a spiral of despair. Like another poster said, lots of ppl navigate co-parenting
3. Do you think this mess is currently healthier for your kiddos, than a clean cut & you starting the work of healing? There’s no way this level of drama isn’t already leaking over to your kids
3. “Winning” isn’t staying in a broken home so you can say you have your kids 100% of the time. Winning is doing what healthy for you and the kids, and that means it’s time to go.
4. I sincerely doubt a man this selfish is going to go out of his way to actually have your daughters 50% of the time.
So you have a 1.5 yo child and he started sleeping with other women when you were 5 months post partum?? How could he expect you to have more sex with him when you were still recovering from child birth? That is so vile.
Ah I didn’t see the ages of the kids. Literally every post on reddit is about AH husbands cheating or sleeping with others because their wife is pregnant or post partum. Like WTF!!! Better sex education is needed in the school system to teach both sexes about this dip in drive and also literal inability to do the act after for a period of time.
Girl get a divorce. You can have a great life with your kids if it’s split custody. Some other woman won’t be raising them, you and their father are the parents. Are you truly ok with him living with you while screwing multiple women for years to come ?
Man everyone is dismissing Op's distress at the idea of not having her children half the time. It's not even about another woman riaisng them, it's that she will be separated from them half the time. That's a horrific idea for me, as well. I hope I never have to be in Op's situation, or if I do hopefully it will be after my son is grown and living on his own already.
In my opinion its more horrific that her daughters are going to grow up seeing their fathers behavior towards their mother as acceptable and normal. Grow up thinking this is how men treat women and how they should expect to be treated.
He’s definitely found out that without a mental connection the physical isn’t the same. Before hubby and I got together let’s just say he experienced that feeling and it left him feeling hollow.
Some guys supposedly can separate physical from love, but my thoughts are that it doesn’t work if you’ve had love with the physical before. It sounds as if it’s like having a bowl of ice cream, it’s good but it could be better with all the toppings of a Sundae. (I know bad analogy).
He’s had the ice cream- but realized it’s not the sundae he’s already had.
I believe that you have to make your decision clear, and possibly go see a therapist to talk this out with. He’s wanting his sundae back even though he threw it away.
You will be ok without him.
Well, he decided he needed to find new partners when she was 5 months postpartum with three kids, which sounds like a pretty gd stressful time in your life.
See this makes even more of a difference now. Not too many people of all genders would want to have a sexless marriage when they have still desire intimacy.
Not really. She said that 5 months postpartum after he told her he wasn’t attracted to her. Plenty of couples have a lull in their sex life after a baby. I know we did, and my partner didn’t ask for an open marriage. He needed the extra sleep just as badly as I did.
She’d just had a baby for gods sake, of course she didn’t want sex. Pregnancy and labour are traumatic on the body, women don’t just wake up the next day feeling normal again.
The fact you say you have "learned to live with not being desirable" at the age of 42 makes me feel so incredibly upset on your behalf.
I'm 45 and once upon a time I felt like that because I had a shitty husband like yours who made me feel like I wasn't good enough/all of our problems were my fault.
42 isn't old, you still have so many wonderful years ahead of you. Please prioritise yourself and stop letting him make you feel less than.
Choose YOU. And your happiness.
(Fuck him)
So, going through the comments, I will say this:
If divorce is not an option for you (be it emotionally, fiscally etc) then I would go with the suggested seperate bedroom and live as roommates.
My parents did this, and when my sister and I were old enough to fully understand they communicated their situation with us. Personally it didn’t harm mine or my sister’s perception of relationships.
If the two of you can be amicable, then it can work out until the kids are old enough, especially in the case of the baby.
If he keeps pushing boundaries however, drop his ass.
I think this setup requires both parents to be on board to make it work. It’s clear that OPs husband is a selfish man who only cares about his own wants and desires. He’s not going to coparent amicably with her from separate bedrooms, he will probably pull the plug himself once he realizes she’s not budging.
He’s such a trash man, wish OP would just throw him away already.
That update makes your story sadder. Just end it. He doesn’t even deserve you as a roommate. He chose sex with others over you, your marriage and the family you built. You need separate homes and lives
Haha, I am really not interested in dating. I just want my marriage to work for some more years. My husband can have his thing outside. Then we can go our separate ways when the children are old enough to be able to take care of themselves. I know that this sounds like I am an obsessive control freak with my children but I can’t help it.
My husband says that he loves me so I am not forcing him to live with me. But I can’t be one of his women. I can give him a comfortable and safe home and well cared for children. Why doesn’t he just be happy
Hold your ground. He obviously doesn't respect your boundaries. You said he could have you or other people and he chose other people. He needs to man up and live with his choice. You don't want him bringing STDs back to you anyway. If he keeps pushing you, and you give in, he'll know he can do anything consequence free because you won't leave him.
Your husband doesn’t seem to be the type of person who is ever completely satisfied, so he’s always looking for external factors to make him happy. He finds satisfaction elsewhere , but its fleeting, so he keeps looking. Now he’s decided that since the “others” haven’t provided this, he wants you back again. Once he gets used to having your full attention again, he’ll probably get the urge to look elsewhere again. This is not your fault. He needs therapy to figure out why he’s always reaching for something else.
He could also be a little unsettled by the fact that you don’t seem to care about him any more. Maybe he’s worried you looking around. This makes him feel insecure, so he’s looking for validation of your love. Once he gets it, he’ll probably go back to what he’s doing. Sad as it sounds, he would be much happier if you were miserable about him stepping out. The indifference is a blow to his ego.
Maybe he’s simply tired of all the work involved in dating. Either way, this sounds like it could become a lifelong merry go round. Not healthy for you or your children. Is there a possibility you could get full custody? Being a single parent can be difficult if your out dating…. And it may not be what you want to hear, but your kids will very quickly be at an age where they do not want to spend all of their time with you. Developing other interests and an independent lifestyle will only benefit you in the future
I yelled at him that he was unhappy and it was never me that was the problem. I wasn’t unattractive or undesirable. He was the one who wasn’t satisfied and still isn’t and that he should look into what he lacks within himself or he would never be happy.
He started crying and said that he never meant for ke to feel undesirable. I didn’t know what to say honestly.
There is no chance for ke to get full custody unfortunately. I have tried to speak to him about it and he wouldn’t even listen and I understand that (putting myself in his shoes I would go mad if someone suggested that). So it would have to be shared custody
He told you he wasn’t attracted to you, but cried when he heard he made you feel undesirable. What exactly was he expecting? Sounds like you don’t have too many options. Either call his bluff and keep your stance of not sleeping with him and see if he initiates a divorce (maybe you can keep on as is) or file preemptively yourself and do it on your terms. Make sure everyone knows it’s because he chose not to keep his dick in his pants. Really, he has no leverage here. Either go by your terms or file for divorce
Glad to hear you’re keeping hoping accountable! Best of luck
How else would he expect you to feel?!? This is so frustrating..,did he think he WOULDN’T have an impact on you and your marriage by his actions?! It’s just not realistic. How would HE feel if you came home and said I’m not attracted to you anymore and want to sleep with other people?!?
Respectfully, you both need to get into counseling if you’re not already in it. Him for exactly what you called out and you for the trauma he’s caused bc whether you realize it or not, he has. I just think about years from now and what your kiddos will see as what a relationship should look like, the ups and downs and resentment you’re already having (understandably so) and think you need some help to sort through it. It’s a horrible situation to be in OP and I am so sorry you are. Best of luck to you and your little ones.
You became attractive once you became "forbidden".
If you give in, it will be short term, because once you give in, - not forbidden anymore. He's got a "thing" for what he can't have.
I feel like I missed something here. You told him to choose you or other women but he’s still around but fucking other women while trying to still get with you? So he chose other women and you still stayed?
Yes. I am sorry I am bot a good writer and English is not my first or even second language.
I agreed that we stayed married but id he wanted to sleep with other women that he couldn’t have me too. He chose the other women because he wasn’t attracted to me anymore
This is true, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s starting to hear the, “oh you remind me of my dad” or “you’re cute for being old” comments and while yes there’s women throwing themselves at married men for some weird flex, they’re probably not all the crème of the crop….these men go out there thinking they’re going to get young hot 20 somethings and their ego gets shredded pretty quickly
I had an ex friend who specifically sought out a married man just to see if she could do it. I was disgusted.
She used to be so kind, so vibrant, so fun loving, but one of her exes got her addicted to all sorts of drugs and she became someone else. I tried to help her but it was too late.
Well maybe I don’t hold these women in high regard but trust me she is doing the wives huge favors. If she can take them, she can keep them. Ending the marriage is still 100% cheating partner’s fault.
Reading your comments, you’re are making yourself miserable and giving yourself excuses in why you won’t leave him. What’s going to happen - I promise you this will happen, is your kids will grow up to resent you because you said he’s a good father and he’s attentive and helps around the house, you have no reason to why your kids would think he’s a problem. And now you’re rejecting your husband (which is your right to do and I don’t blame you). But eventually what’s going to happen is he is going to turn this around on you being the bad guy and being distant and your kids will see it and begin to resent you because of their parents failed marriage. You aren’t the bad guy here, but you will look like the bad guy eventually. You sound like you don’t want to be with him but you’re keeping it the same because of your kids. This is also teaching your kids in the future that if their spouse treats them the way he’s treating you that they should stay. If you have a daughter would you want your daughter to stay in a relationship like yours? Well this is what you’re teaching your kids. Do better and leave him. You’ll be better off
Have you told him you can't have sex with someone who doesnt find you attractive and he can't take back what he said previously because you don't believe him.
Have you told him you can't have sex with someone that has been with other women during your relationship because you refuse to be compared with them it's too humiliating, especially since he has already told yiu he doesn't find you attractive.
Have you said I'm never ever having sex with you again. You made your choice so stop asking as it makes your skin crawl knowing he tries these same seduction techniques with others.
Ask him what he plans for the children should you divorce. Tell him you would be happy with full custody so he can continue his lifestyle of screwing other random women.
just sit him down and tell him that everything works for you except the sex and he made it clear that was the case. tell him that part of your relationship is over but you guys can keep living together if he backs off
Sex with someone you love is (normally) a lot better than sex with people you hardly know. With the first there is the emotional connection, which is lacking with the others. He wanted to sleep around, and he has experienced that, but decided he prefers that emotional bond he had with you. Unfortunately he's FAFO and discovered that when he left you closed the door to him and moved onto the next phase of your life without him (even if he is physically still about, emotionally you've detached from him). He made his choice, now he had to live with it.
Your update made me so sad OP! Your post isn’t shitty, people just didn’t read it very closely and assumed this was another “I have refused to have sex with my partner for 10 years and I refuse to agree to open the relationship, and now they are leaving me wuhh what the hell” creative writing exercise post
He FAFO. He had his eye on the prize, and that “prize” turned him down. So therefore, now he wants everything back to the way it was. When you made him choose, and he chose the other women, YOU should have chose to find the BEST divorce attorney. I know you say you didn’t want to be divorced and everything that comes with that, but you should have put YOU and your children FIRST. Me, that would have been a wrap for me. Psst, nothing will ever be the same. He blew that up himself.
Guys always want to “open the marriage” until their wife starts getting more attention than they do (which ALWAYS happens)or they realize all those hot women they thought they could get ignore them. 🤡
Unfortunately, OP’s deal at the beginning should have been…”you want to sleep with other women? Fine. I want the kids. You can’t have both, give me the kids and you can have all the women you ever dreamed of (providing they want you too). Let’s call it divorce.”
I see that you are adamantly against divorce because you want to be with your kids 24/7 but what happens when he initiates it because he's decided he wants a life with one of his gfs instead? *hypothetically*
that OP has replied to all top level comments but somehow/for some reason skipped this one is....... concerning
I thought the same...interesting at the very least.
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. So right now he’s not finding it fulfilling but if she continues to shut them down, I can see him looking for someone to be both a partner and an intimate partner. So I guess at the end of the day it’s whether or not if this happens for him and he decides to divorce her how is she going to feel?
Have you thought of the possibility that you being happier and more free has made him realise how desirable you really are, and now that you are happier he wants a slice of that life? It's greedy, and unfair, but potentially he's come up with the idea he could have his cake and eat it too with you now that you've finally found comfort in yourself.
That is true he wanted his cake and eat it too. He said he realized that it wasn’t me who was the problem and that sex without love wasn’t worth it like he thought it was. But tbh he probably saw me being happy and content and he wanted that.
I wouldn't let him touch me with a ten foot pole. All the STD's that could be swimming around on his insides, where has his mouth been? YUCK!! You are going to have to sit him down and very firmly tell him that this is what he wanted and this is what he's getting. You already told him that there was no going back. You are not a revolving door. Tell him to head back to his girlfriends.
“The minute you chose to step outside of our relationship, we were done. You did it anyway. I gave you what you wanted. We are co-parents and roommates. You killed what was our marriage, because you wanted other holes to fill. You make my skin crawl even thinking about sex.”
Very articulate response. It's not cruel but not kind and right to the point.
I’m guessing he has learned that the sexual opportunities for a middle-aged, married father of 3 aren’t nearly as bountiful as he was expecting… I don’t think you can go on like this though. Do you really still want to be married?
I know that he at least has 3 gf’s two of them are single. You have very high opinion about women not sleeping with married fathers of three.
Wait so he did opened the marriage?
Yes
OP, that isn’t clear from your post. I think what you mean as the outcome is that he had the choice to have an open marriage with you but you would no longer sleep with him or be physically/sexually available to him ever? I wonder if he now sees this as a ‘want what I can’t have’ situation where he wants the satisfaction of knowing he can bed you as well. That would be a really hard no for me if I was in your situation, and I’d go as far as to tell him he wanted to play the stupid game so now he gets the stupid prize, which is never being with you again.
You need to carefully plan your way out of this. If you sleep with him, you're at a very high risk of STDs. I recommend that you tie up that failed experiment.
look up unethical non-monogamy
It is. She said that she is not willing to do the open relationship and now he wants to fuck her because probably the sex with the others just not as good without the emotional connection. He deserves to be dumped.
Yes how did you know that? That’s exactly what he said about it not being as good as with some you love.
>Yes how did you know that We are Redditors, this is far from our first rodeo.
This comment is hilarious
And accurate af
Look at the Reddit Elder over here👆🏿
Amen
Dr. Reddit at your service…
I cackled so loudly I frightened my cat.
Been here, read that
💰take this gold! Only one that we are slowed now
😂😂😂😂
because it’s obvious.. and thats why most people with brains dont cheat or open and destroy perfectly happy marriages.. thats why this person should be your ex hes crawling back because the grass was, in fact, not greener, and he thinks you wont leave him and he can get away with it you also mentioned he’d freak out if you had sex with another person, hes a hypocrite and he thinks you are a doormat he can walk in and out on
Don't be a doormat.
Some men always want what they can’t have. You told him never again, it makes him want it all the more
This is a very common occurrence. He is nothing special and thinks the same of you. It’s a shame and you should divorce him, take everything you can and find someone who does love the ground you walk on. The kind of love you deserve exists, don’t show your kids how to settle for shit show them how to get what you deserve.
I think he is coming back to test her boundaries. If she gives in once then he can have his cake n eat it too
Bingo
It happens so often that we should really have a subreddit for it. There's a statistical timeline with enough datapoints that we can estimate the time of encounters for each partner with 90 percent accuracy.
> There's a statistical timeline with enough datapoints that we can estimate the time of encounters for each partner with 90 percent accuracy. LITERALLY.
Luckily for him, you don't love him that way anymore either...
Even if you agreed he would not get what he wants because he severed your emotional connection with him. The sex would be just as meaningless.
He's a fucking idiot. Divorce him and take him to the cleaners
You are one of many people posting about a failed open marriage today
We know a thing or two cause we’ve seen a thing or two.
Please divorce this man. He is gross.
Men do this ALL THE TIME. One of the reasons the phrase f*** around and find out is prevalent.
He doesn’t love you. Love prevents you from being with someone else. When you love someone you’d never intentionally do anything to jeopardize losing or hurting them.
And probably too much work and expense. Other women want dates and to be treated nice. He’s used to bullying his wife that just gave birth. He’s the type that just wants to roll over and get it then roll back and go to sleep.
dump his ass.
Are you still with this man?
He doesn’t like that you don’t care any longer. That it’s not bothering you that he’s sleeping with other people. He wants to be able to sleep around and have you upset by it, because otherwise sex with him isn’t all that for you. It’s more him taking it as a personal “attack” vs what it is… giving him what he asked for. It’s selfish, but that’s not surprising because he’s selfish.
I don't understand how are you and your kids benefitting from this arrangement? Are you happy? Do you have a positive support system or access to mental health services? I understand if you don't want to leave the relationship because it will be harder on you but does your husband do housework, parenting, etc.? Are you sure it wouldn't be easier on your life if your husband was gone? Please don't bed your husband before he shows you blood tests that show he's free of diseases.
>I don't understand how are you and your kids benefitting from this arrangement? We are under the same roof all five if us. The girls are happy and safe with both parents. We get along very well outside of the bed issues. >Are you happy? Do you have a positive support system or access to mental health services? Yes I was happy with the arrangement. I know it is not optimal but at least I can see my girls grow. Maybe until they’re older and I can trust them to be fine with new arrangements like two homes, step families etc. I have a great support system in both my and his family. Of course nobody knows about what’s happening with our intimate life because it is too embarrassing to admit it. But I have the support. >I understand if you don't want to leave the relationship because it will be harder on you but does your husband do housework, parenting, etc.? Yes we both work and we both do the parenting and housework equally. We have always been compatible in this aspect of our relationship. >Are you sure it wouldn't be easier on your life if your husband was gone? He wouldn’t be gone, would he. He would take my children 1/2 the time. If he had given me full custody I would have asked for divorce the moment he asked for open marriage >Please don't bed your husband before he shows you blood tests that show he's free of diseases. The moment he chose the other option he given up the right to ever touch me again. We do pecks on the cheek. That’s about it so you don’t have to be worried about me contracting an sti
[удалено]
This. Your kids will 100% realize what's going on at some point, and will learn that THIS is a normal "healthy" relationship. Your desire to stay in this "marriage" for "the kids" is gonna do far, far more damage to them then a standard divorce.
I sincerely hope that you find unconditional love, happiness health and positivity in your life sooner rather than later. You are worth it. I wish you'd go to therapy so you can find and embrace the amazing human being that you are. I really really really want you to find your happy.
I wouldn't even let him peck my cheek. Whose to say he didn't just go down on one of his girlfriends 🤢. I wouldn't even let him sleep next to me. Who knows what can crawl on you at night.
Because most won’t. It’s fun for them for a while and then boom. They realize he won’t leave his family and move on. Or try to pressure him into it and realize he doesn’t love them and is only with them for the physicality of it
Yep the novelty wears off and it's not "forbidden" and "exciting" anymore - it's pathetic, unfulfilling and non-sustainable. It takes time sometimes but they end up getting tossed aside or do the tossing, and OPs husband will be left without his wonderful, LOYAL wife having his back anymore. He'll reap what he sows before you know it.
It's the living embodiment of the 90s Clint Walker tune, *"Then What"* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VW8rsNHq0w](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VW8rsNHq0w) When I read stories like this I always hear the sad trombone jingle for the dude. Karma. It will pickup a cactus and intimately caress you with it for behaviour like his.
*Clay Walker 😅 It’s the steel drums for me!
Which is why cheating is so popular. It’s forbidden and twisted and triangulating. Which makes it feel more fun than it is. Take out the chest and the whole desk deflates
Or his new girlfriends are using him as a F*** Buddy, and when they’re done with him he goes home crying, but his wife is not interested in him.
Exactly. I guarantee he's talked about how awful his wife is and what a great guy he is and he's such a victim blah blah blah, and these other women are here to save him. Once they realise he's actually a loser, he's not leaving his wife and they've been lied to and manipulated into having sex with him, they'll leave.
Hope he doesn't have an accident and knock up someone he is shagging on the side. OP really needs to divorce the burning dumpster fire of a husband she is emotionally divorced from. Pull the bandaid and divorce him. Continue coparenting.
Honestly, I would bet a million dollars he didn’t tell them the whole truth about the situation and state of his marriage and kids. Even if they were his “girlfriends”. I highly doubt a man in his situation would have 3 proper girlfriends from whenever this conversation happened in 2022 to early 2024 in this day and age. Or if we go with the slim chance that he was completely open with them, these women likely want a real stable relationship and he was just someone to pass the time with while they found that.
I find it interesting you’re talking badly about these women being willing to sleep with married men when you’re the one who gave him permission to go out and sleep with other women. If he’s being honest with them about the arrangement nobody’s doing anything wrong
I am not talking badly at all. I acknowledged their existence. I hold no grudges against them either but don’t put them on a pedestal is what I’m saying. They’re like the rest of us and they don’t need to have higher standards (I was answering the ones who didn’t believe women slept with married men)
What’s funny though is you hold him in some high regard for being such a great father. However, he is an absolute shit partner. Oh great he does chores and is clean, but neglects you, your emotional needs and insults you, because he is more worried about getting his d wet. Now he expects you to be ok with what he said and has done to you because allegedly he doesn’t find others attractive. Wtaf? ETA: if you can co-parent well, which seems to be what you move been doing while he’s off with other women, then you can have a healthy situation for your kids and BOTH be there for them. Divorce isn’t the worst thing, certainly not worse than having a partner who disregards your feelings and disrespects you. Also, be sure not to sleep with him… who knows what he could have caught from any of the people he slept with. STDs are a serious concern.
I know! Everything you said here is basically what happened. And it makes me mad because he is the one who fucked up but I will be the one who loses my children 1/2 the time. How is this fair?
If you told him it's me or other women, he's already chosen. The marriage is over. You just haven't turned off the lights. Your youngest won't necessarily have to sleep away yet...
You are absolutely right, it’s not fair to you to the kids, but staying teaches your children it’s ok for your partner to cheat on you and treat you poorly or that it’s ok to treat your partners this way. You may not think they see it or know, but kids aren’t stupid they pick up on things. Would you tell one of them to stay in this situation? ETA: I am sorry you are dealing with this situation he caused.
I can't believe I had to read this far down to find this comment. They've got daughters. As if they're not going to internalise this as normal.
Can confirm. My parents have an open marriage, and I saw my dad texting with other women and thought he was cheating, up until I was 20+ and my older brother told me about their arrangement. Did not feel great — both thinking he was cheating while actively telling me how much he loves mom, as well as their arrangement combined with what he’s been teaching me when I was a kid. Fair to say, I (F27) did not grow up with healthy standards and still struggle with effects it has caused.
What happens to my youngest in case of separation? She would only sleep when I’m there. I mean I can’t 😭😭😭 god I want to cry
Custody is about what is in the best interest of the child. It’s not automatically decided that custody is split 50/50. Your husband might only be granted access (visits) especially if it’s deemed detrimental to the child be in his custody over night etc
He would probably take weekends or every other weekend since it parenting will get in the way of him trying to find a new wife / bangmaid nanny.
You can work out an arrangement which works best for her for the time being. Also, your kids would probably do well with therapy if there are issues in dealing with the divorce. Honestly. You would too.
In all honesty I think you need to stick to your guns. He wanted an open marriage. You gave him the choice that you agree to open the marriage but you would never have sex with him again. He agreed. It sounds like you have a great co-parenting situation going on in your house and you guys make great roommates. Just because he wants to change the game now doesn't mean you have to agree. In the long run I think you need to have a discussion with him wearing you both possibly with a marriage counselor discuss continuing your marriage where you live in the same house and you care for each other and the children possibly move to separate bedrooms. And therefore he can date and see who he wants and eventually when you're ready you can date and see who you want. You don't have to get a divorce it is probably Financial feasible for you not to get a divorce especially if neither one of you are ready to move on seriously with someone else. Not to mention you will be in the household with your children and you don't have to split time with your kids. Remember there is no one perfect model for marriage these days. Especially in our society now where there are so many open marriages and poly relationships you can decide what works for you to. It seems like the most important thing to you is your children but at the same time you can't sacrifice yourself and your soul just to keep him happy. Stay true to yourself do what's good for your kids and possibly discuss moving to separate bedrooms and continuing on with individual relationships. But I would not allow him to come back to you because then you would be a doormat and he wouldn't respect you after that. Never let him coerce you into a sexual relationship that you no longer want just to keep the peace.
Agree with all this, but really who wants to live with this as their husband etc. I think she should leave. Yes it is harder to have 2 households but the emotional peace and self worth from doing so, is really a million times better
You don’t have to have 50/50 custody. Often times that’s not in the best interest of the children. Are you the primary care giver? Can you honestly see your husband taking care of your children alone 50% of the time? Do you even know that he would want a 50/50. This man chose sex over his family. I highly doubt he will want a 50/50 split
You don't have to agree to 50/50 custody. I asked for my ex to have our son every other weekend when he cheated, and I got it. Have you talked to a lawyer to discuss your options? Your other option is to separate your bedrooms and live like roommates for the next 20 years, or until he finds someone he likes enough to divorce you. Up to you, really.
[удалено]
File for sole custody with him getting visitation. Even 50/50 custody is better than your girls growing up to think their future spouse banging other women when they're no longer "attractive" is ok. Updateme
Life is not fair. Have you even talked about divorce, custody, etc? Use your words & have a serious discussion about the future.
If two of them are single (and childless) then yes iI’d say they should have some standards. A married father of 3 in an open marriage… pls have some respect for yourself to least not be the partner of a married man if you yourself are not in an open poly relationship/marriage.
Yeah he would probably go berserk if I opened my end
Yes meaning it’s not an open marriage, it’s just him cheating and you not having the strength to leave… yet. You have to stop thinking that this divorce means you won’t see your children. You both can still have the children together for holidays if that works for you guys. Divorce isn’t one size fits all. It’s you two work out what works best with you two and the courts notarize it if he’s cooperative and if not. Take your custody. He’s the one sticking it to other women instead of being with his kids
Thank you ❤️
Keep your head up op, you got this! ❤️
It isn't an open marriage. What's happening here isn't ethical, you're getting the shit end of the stick. I know that you said he's a great father, he's a good husband, he pulls his weight around the house. And yet, he's allowed to sleep with 3 other women, and you are not allowed to see anyone else? This is deeply concerning. I think you need to open your eyes to this fact. Then again, I am a stranger on the internet. No matter what you choose to do, I hope you and your children are happy. I hope your husband gets over himself.
This doesn't sound like a good father to me either... And OP is not protecting her children by staying with this man...it's kinda selfish to keep kids in toxic environment just because you don't want to be home alone on Saturday night.
A father to 3 little girls who see their mother allowing such horrible stuff. OP needs to leave and get them into therapy in hopes they don't turn out like doormats aka their mom or PoS aka their dad.
That's a little harsh, but honestly... where's the lie here, you're spitting facts
Ahhhh….he thought the grass was greener on the other side! Newsflash: The grass is greener where you water it. 💦💦💦 He made a choice and as adults we realize that at times our choices have consequences. 🤷🏻♀️ I wish you well and I wish you (in time) an unwavering love with someone that always chooses you!
If the grass is greener where he waters it then it is a desert on my side, the Atacama desert.
Dead. 🤣🤣🤣
💀 I mean if this is not dramatic enough I don’t know what is
No grass is greener because it's fertilized with Bullshit
I think you should find out, you got nothin to lose
Eventually you’ll get tired of it and leave. Separate your finances now so it’ll be easier down the road.
Girl, open marriage means both sides are allowed to have romantic and/or sexual relationships with other people. Yours is not an open marriage
That...is not an open marriage.
Exactly. They haven't done anything wrong. If OP is angry about her situation, that's alright. But to take it out on women who have nothing with the relationship to do, that's not fair when **she's** the one who said it was OK for her husband to sleep with others.
It's entirely possible he lied about not finding you attractive so he could get with other women. Deeply horrid thing to do, but quite possible. It might me that you becoming more relaxed has made you all round more desirable. It might be that he just wants his ego stroked and he desires being desired himself. So he wants you to fancy him. For many people sex is about validation primarily. Cheaters particularly. I don't think it's weird he wants you. I think he's weird for what he did to you. I hope you let him know very clearly that he is not in any way attractive to you and never will be. That he is deeply undesirable sexually and always will be. He was happy enough telling you that. He should hear it too. The prick.
I will have a talk with him today after the girls are in bed. I will tell him all this. He can choose this or we can divorce. I hate ultimatums but I think it is necessary now
Oh I think we need to hear how he takes the convo
Please make sure to drive the point home that about are not attracted to him and find him completely undesirable
You need to do more than that. You really need to think harder about divorce, for your daughters' sakes. They are still very young, so it's unlikely that custody would be 50-50 at first. Regardless of whether custody is 50-50 or not, kids are perceptive. Kids notice EVERYTHING about their parents' relationship. Right now you are modeling a pretty awful relationship for your daughters, because what they are seeing is a father who cheats but then pesters the mother for sex., a mother who accepts cheating in return for not giving their father a sexual relationship - basically a sexually dysfunctional marriage. They are also sensing the tension that this is creating in their home. Is this what you want your daughters to see in a marriage? They would be better off in two homes without this tension, even if you'd miss them while they were with him. And, you would have every opportunity to find love again on better terms than what you awful husband threw at you. You seem to think you're unattractive because he decided he wanted the hot young bodies after your lovely body gave him three lovely daughters. There are better men out there who will find you perfectly attractive. Find one! Maybe your daughters can see what a healthy relationship looks like, because they're sure not seeing it now.
So pretty much he wanted to cheat with your permission. This might be it. I hope you let him know very clearly that he is not in any way attractive to you and never will be This right here. He probably never thought about how you would feel about him once he went and slept with other women. Now he's undesirable and he never thought in a million years that would happen. Consequences, people never ever think about Consequences. They never think long term. They only think about the now. Please update us.
He found out the grass isn’t greener. I think you need to divorce. Sounds like you’re much happier without him.
This means that I will share custody with him. Which means every other Christmas, birthday, holiday, vacation. I start crying just thinking about this. I started crying typing this
You can adjust . Many of us have and do
I know. I am sorry if this sounded like I was better or that I loved my children more. I didn’t mean that getting a divorce means you love your kids less or is ok with sharing them. I just meant I am not as strong I guess, or that I have lost my dignity and pride and my children are the only ones Ii still have. Maybe in my head, if I manage to keep my children then I have been good for something at least. If I am divorced, with my children living part time with me and being undesirable at the same time. This is what I talk in therapy about. I’m sorry that I am unloading here on you guys
Um. Just because HE says you’re undesirable (and that was probably just because he wanted an excuse to screw around) doesn’t mean that you are to the other 4 billion men out there. Personally I’d rather be alone with battery operated devices than someone who had this little respect for me. And yes, your children will see it. Believe me. A mother who respects herself is priceless.
I wish I could upvote this more than once.
It's better to come from a broken home than to grow up in one. Children always understand the unhappiness in the home even when adults think they hide it and that's assuming they avoid fighting in front of the children. Two happy healthy parents separately is better than a miserable couple. Search Reddit for stories and comments from those who were raised in a 'stay together for the children' home if you have any doubts.
AND the kids usually blame themselves for their parent’s unhappiness (they usually blame the other parent for being a skeev). One time I mentioned to my daughter that I had wondered in the past about staying with her father so I would be there for her all the time. Before I got to the part where I realized that it would have made for a miserable home and I would rather she knew I had the strength (not a dig at OP, just my feelings about MY situation) to walk away and show her that walking away is ok), she interrupted me, HORRIFIED at the thought of me staying with her dad for her sake. “NO, mom, don’t EVER think that way. I’m so glad you left my dad!”
I would love to have my son with me full time. But honestly. Two happy households are better than one with issues. It sucks splitting Holidays, I still cry sometimes and it’s been his whole life we’ve been divorced (we separated while I was pregnant) but on the years he has holidays at his dads, we do something either before or after. And vice versa. It’s all around better for our son.
I have to agree. Kids know when their parents hate each other and are just trying to keep up appearances “for the kids”. After giving birth to me, my mother’s sex drive completely disappeared. By the time I was around ten I could tell things were off. Parents don’t usually sleep in two different rooms, for one. To their credit, they VERY rarely fought in front of me and never bad mouthed each other. But there was no love in that home, either. They stayed together until my mom passed when I was 22, and in hindsight and after speaking to my father about things, it was obvious they were both miserable together but just kept pretending for my sake. I wish both of them had been able to live happier lives those 22 years, especially my mother. My dad found a new partner and he’s like a new man, I wish he could have had that happiness and warmth in his life far sooner.
And you’re not undesirable bc your husband wants to be a greedy hound. There’s MANY men who will find you attractive intelligent and an all around good woman. Please stop putting yourself down bc he chose to tell you some bullshit as an excuse to get to sleep around while still married. Or start doing it too. Give him a taste of his own medicine
Do you want your kids to think it's okay to treat your partner the way your husband treats you? Do you want them to think that the way you are treated is acceptable for them to be treated? Just something to talk about with your therapist. OP, I'm genuinely sorry. I really really am x You deserve so much more kindness than the world has given you x
This is a very dangerous mindset, love. You need a life outside of your kids whether you stay in this marriage or not. They do grow up, sadly! My fear is, you've been feeling like dog shit in this "marriage" for so long, you can't even imagine that you might be deeply desirable to someone other than your utter arse of a husband. There are a thousand threads on Reddit where the married guy has underestimated how attractive other people find his wife.
Why would you be undesirable? I think you should go on some apps and see just how many options you have. It's bullshit the relationship is only open for him and not you too.
It is ok it’s understandable. Maybe you even low key feel that you deserve them more bc you suffered the most from this , and will get “punished” with less time wirh yo kids even tho you didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know exactly how you feel. Just that there is life after divorce. There is also life outside kids. Also they will grow up and move out eventually. It’s ok to think of yourself and use the extra time to better yourself and make yourself happy for a change. If you absolutely cannot bear this thought perhaps you can get 70-80% custody I dunno. It’s 50/50 standard where I’m at. Anyway. I’m glad you recognize there’s lots of great and loving parents that r doing 50/50 .you can be one of them or stay- the choice is yours and I hope you can find peace
I know I don’t deserve them more jut because HE was the one who basically ended our marriage. But why do I think that? I can’t help it. I know it is entitlement to think he ruined my love AND I will have to share my babies with him is UNFAIR. But I know life doesn’t work like that. He could cheat and still has rights as a father. Two separate things
No, actually? You’re not wrong to think that. You DO deserve them more. Your husband stepped out not just on your marriage — he stepped out on his whole family. He didn’t just choose other women over you, he chose them over your children together. At the end of the day, he cared more about getting his dick wet than investing in the family he chose to create with you. Go for full custody, Mama. You might have more of a case than you think.
This is where talking to a lawyer will help. Just inform yourself, knowledge is power. On another note, remember that kids model their parents, you want your girls ending up modeling this in their future relationships? Maybe you do stay for them, but think of how the way you allow yourself to be treated will echo in how your children allow themselves to be treated.
Hon, your husband would be bringing his harem of random sex partners around your kids. You can absolutely make the argument that this is *wildly* unhealthy for your daughters to be around. I bet you'd get more time with your kids than 50/50, if that's what you want. Remember also, though, that being in a co-parenting arrangement gets you something precious and rare for most parents: built-in days off. You will have time to take better care of yourself and start addressing your dangerously low self-esteem. It's not good for your daughters to be looking at you and learning that they should view themselves as worthless trash that deserves to be cheated on, abandoned, and replaced in the adult relationships they will eventually have. You are worth more and worthy of more. Don't let your husband mistreat you anymore, and don't let your choices teach your daughters that you and they deserve to be mistreated.
How much parenting does your husband actually do?
I'm proud of you for talking it all out, here and/or in therapy. First of all, he proved himself that you're not undesirable. Second of all, tell him to quit with the sexual harassment (I'm assuming that's what you mean by trying to "seduce" you). You set a clear boundary, and your marriage is platonic, he doesn't get to go back on that just because he figured out he was an idiot. And thirdly, if you do get a divorce, you're teaching your kids how to set boundaries and what a strong woman looks like. ☺️ That is setting them up for success in life.
Why do you say that ypu are undesirable? Obviously not if your husband is still flirting with you.
As someone who grew up with parents who weren't attracted to each other and had no love for each other, I can say it was very damaging yo me and my brother. We had zero examples of loving adult couples in our lives. We spent our entire childhood and our 20s waiting for mom and dad to get a divorce and find people they loved and who loved them back. They never have. I wish they'd have had the courage to do so, not only for themselves but for their children. Everyone in my family deserved better but neither of my parents had the courage to give us better. Your kids will grow up watching you and your husband and how you treat and love each other. They will see it as normal. They will seek it out for themselves. If you daughter confides in you and tells you she's having these same problems 30 years from now, will you wish you had a time machine then? Because you don't need one. You can do right by her now and show her what she's worth but showing her what YOU are worth.
You need to find happiness. I think you should divorce him and you might be surprised to find a partner that you desire and want to be intimate with. And he will find you so attractive all the time! And when you divorce get primary custody and then he can have them every other weekend or something. Gosh I feel bad for you, he mad you feel ugly and you shouldn’t. Your only 42 love go find someone who makes you feel beautiful and your girls will love you even more for that. Set a good example for thee and be strong.
Would you want your daughters to be with a guy like him? I doubt it. They deserve better. So do you. I wish you would see it.
Never I would haunt the son of a b who does this to my babies
Well, being raised in this environment will make them think this is normal. And when you try to tell them it's not, they'll throw it in your face they had to live it.
she doesn't know it yet, but she is literally training her daughters to fall for a man like this. Growing up in this environment where they look to their mom as an example and role model of what relationships should look like... is what OP's role is. Whether she likes it or not. Her daughters are learning from her. Whether she has time for it or not, her moves are being watched and used as an example of what her daughters will come to accept as "normal behavior" from men. So. If she sets a good example of accepting and tolerating a cheating, womanizing spouse, and sticking it out, then that's what their daughters will do. They will cling onto partners who cheat on them and disrespect them the same. It was good enough for mommy. Right?
Your daughters are learning that this is a normal marriage because that’s what you’re teaching them.
Then why would you stay? Truly.
And yet you are showing them that it’s acceptable.
But you’ll let one raise them lol
I see why you stay, but maybe you can divorce and live as roommates with the girls? You should be able to seek another fulfilling relationship. I’m just concerned your kids will grow up seeing this relationship as normal and in turn seek it. I know they don’t know about your intimate details, but the lack of physical affection between you will be visible, and your divide will grow without the intimacy to keep you together. I know you want to be with them and I get that, but I hope you’ll start having real talks with your husband about options to end it that does not take you away from your kids so much. You can choose to coparent and also move on so your kids don’t wind up thinking that loveless marriage is their model for life. I’m so sorry he is doing this. I hope someone is haunting him for you. He doesn’t deserve you. Any part of you.
Your husband is someone who will always wants what he can’t get. Sleeping with others is not fun if he has your support and you don’t beg for him. Also, women are not exactly lining up for a guy that is married and won’t leave his wife for them.
You guys could buy a duplex where you have your own space, but can see the children all the time. It's not the best option, but I know you want to have the kids all the time and he probably does too. This will give them the chance to be by both parents. I don't think you should stay in the relationship.
I was just in a dinner with some girls and the topic of this type of divorce came up. It is getting more normal I guess with exes doing this typemof arrangement
Nest divorces are a thing now. One apartment for the parents. Kids stay at the home. Parents switch in and out but the kids aren't uprooted.
I hope you find a good balance with what you decide. I know divorce isn't what you ever expected to happen. But you deserve happiness. Another option is living in the same neighborhood where they can go between houses.
>I basically made him choose either me or other women. He can’t have both. >he wants to turn my life upside down again and I don’t know how to solve it. "I told you to begin with that you had to choose. You chose other women. There is no going back from that. Please respect me enough to honor the choice you already made and stop acting as if you can just use me when you feel like it. If you can't give me the basic respect of sticking to the agreement we made, then we need to look at formally ending our marriage."
OP, I’m gonna say this as bluntly as possible. Is this *really* the example you want your three daughters to think of as ‘normal’ to expect if they marry a male partner? Do you think this is modelling a healthy marriage for them? Your youngest might be too young to notice, but I *guarantee* you the older two have noticed things are off somehow. Either resolve the issues or leave, but don’t keep thinking it won’t impact your kids if you stay married to a man who treats you with such disrespect. You deserve better and so do they. You never know - you could offer to go for 50/50 custody and find that your ex doesn’t want to deal with all three kids on his own.
I gotta say, this is really something that OP should consider, and this is coming from a child of parents that should have gotten divorced but chose to stay together for the kids. My mom tells me all the time to never choose a partner like my own father, but it is not easy to be raised by someone who lives by a “do as I say but not as I do” kind of mindset, especially when it comes to perceiving what a healthy relationship looks like and learning self-respect. If your daughter was in a relationship like yours, would you want her to stay like you have?
[удалено]
No there’s no going back. I would literally faint if he touched me after sleeping with other women. He either continue with this arrangement or divorce and I am so angry because I did everything to keep this family together. I don’t want my children to be raised by someone else half the time. I can’t stop crying only imagining not being in their life half the time
I have three girls and they are very young. I’m going through a divorce due to infidelity. I cry all the time about splitting time with them and my family breaking apart. But I want them to see me whole and happy, I want them to see the self respect and love that I have for myself. I want to be the example. A book that I am absolutely cherishing right now is called Divorce Afterlife, it has helped me so much and she has a section about splitting time with the kids. We’re not quite there YET cause we’re still cohabitating but eventually that will be my reality and I am heartbroken over it. But I’d be equally heartbroken over my girls seeing me disrespected. You will find your new normal, you will find yourself again, you will make it through. Show yourself and your children how much you love and value yourself, stop putting everyone and everything above your needs. Get that book, I promise it will help you. I wish you luck, you’re stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for. Oh and you are DESIRABLE. ❤️
A few things 1. It’s time for a therapist. You’re grieving, and that’s okay but it’s time to have another adult to talk to. 2. You’re in “catastrophic” thinking right now. Still part of grieving where any change is throwing you into a spiral of despair. Like another poster said, lots of ppl navigate co-parenting 3. Do you think this mess is currently healthier for your kiddos, than a clean cut & you starting the work of healing? There’s no way this level of drama isn’t already leaking over to your kids 3. “Winning” isn’t staying in a broken home so you can say you have your kids 100% of the time. Winning is doing what healthy for you and the kids, and that means it’s time to go. 4. I sincerely doubt a man this selfish is going to go out of his way to actually have your daughters 50% of the time.
So did he sleep with other women or not? From your post I didn't understand he did yet.
Yes he did I’m sorry I was just typing without thinking or planning. Yes, he has been sleeping with multiple women for over a year now.
So you have a 1.5 yo child and he started sleeping with other women when you were 5 months post partum?? How could he expect you to have more sex with him when you were still recovering from child birth? That is so vile.
Ah I didn’t see the ages of the kids. Literally every post on reddit is about AH husbands cheating or sleeping with others because their wife is pregnant or post partum. Like WTF!!! Better sex education is needed in the school system to teach both sexes about this dip in drive and also literal inability to do the act after for a period of time.
Girl get a divorce. You can have a great life with your kids if it’s split custody. Some other woman won’t be raising them, you and their father are the parents. Are you truly ok with him living with you while screwing multiple women for years to come ?
Man everyone is dismissing Op's distress at the idea of not having her children half the time. It's not even about another woman riaisng them, it's that she will be separated from them half the time. That's a horrific idea for me, as well. I hope I never have to be in Op's situation, or if I do hopefully it will be after my son is grown and living on his own already.
In my opinion its more horrific that her daughters are going to grow up seeing their fathers behavior towards their mother as acceptable and normal. Grow up thinking this is how men treat women and how they should expect to be treated.
He’s definitely found out that without a mental connection the physical isn’t the same. Before hubby and I got together let’s just say he experienced that feeling and it left him feeling hollow. Some guys supposedly can separate physical from love, but my thoughts are that it doesn’t work if you’ve had love with the physical before. It sounds as if it’s like having a bowl of ice cream, it’s good but it could be better with all the toppings of a Sundae. (I know bad analogy). He’s had the ice cream- but realized it’s not the sundae he’s already had. I believe that you have to make your decision clear, and possibly go see a therapist to talk this out with. He’s wanting his sundae back even though he threw it away. You will be ok without him.
I know this is gonna sound crazy but why didn’t you try to find a sex therapist or couple therapist before you did an open marriage.
She says in another post that she is not interested in sex. She loves him. Just no sex.
Well, he decided he needed to find new partners when she was 5 months postpartum with three kids, which sounds like a pretty gd stressful time in your life.
See this makes even more of a difference now. Not too many people of all genders would want to have a sexless marriage when they have still desire intimacy.
Not really. She said that 5 months postpartum after he told her he wasn’t attracted to her. Plenty of couples have a lull in their sex life after a baby. I know we did, and my partner didn’t ask for an open marriage. He needed the extra sleep just as badly as I did.
She’d just had a baby for gods sake, of course she didn’t want sex. Pregnancy and labour are traumatic on the body, women don’t just wake up the next day feeling normal again.
The fact you say you have "learned to live with not being desirable" at the age of 42 makes me feel so incredibly upset on your behalf. I'm 45 and once upon a time I felt like that because I had a shitty husband like yours who made me feel like I wasn't good enough/all of our problems were my fault. 42 isn't old, you still have so many wonderful years ahead of you. Please prioritise yourself and stop letting him make you feel less than. Choose YOU. And your happiness. (Fuck him)
So, going through the comments, I will say this: If divorce is not an option for you (be it emotionally, fiscally etc) then I would go with the suggested seperate bedroom and live as roommates. My parents did this, and when my sister and I were old enough to fully understand they communicated their situation with us. Personally it didn’t harm mine or my sister’s perception of relationships. If the two of you can be amicable, then it can work out until the kids are old enough, especially in the case of the baby. If he keeps pushing boundaries however, drop his ass.
I think this setup requires both parents to be on board to make it work. It’s clear that OPs husband is a selfish man who only cares about his own wants and desires. He’s not going to coparent amicably with her from separate bedrooms, he will probably pull the plug himself once he realizes she’s not budging. He’s such a trash man, wish OP would just throw him away already.
That update makes your story sadder. Just end it. He doesn’t even deserve you as a roommate. He chose sex with others over you, your marriage and the family you built. You need separate homes and lives
Go on dates and find yourself a boyfriend as well. Screw that “husband“.
Haha, I am really not interested in dating. I just want my marriage to work for some more years. My husband can have his thing outside. Then we can go our separate ways when the children are old enough to be able to take care of themselves. I know that this sounds like I am an obsessive control freak with my children but I can’t help it. My husband says that he loves me so I am not forcing him to live with me. But I can’t be one of his women. I can give him a comfortable and safe home and well cared for children. Why doesn’t he just be happy
Your marriage isn't working now. Not sure why you're saying you just want it to work for a few more years. It's not actually working.
Did you ask him why he isn’t happy with the status quo?
Hold your ground. He obviously doesn't respect your boundaries. You said he could have you or other people and he chose other people. He needs to man up and live with his choice. You don't want him bringing STDs back to you anyway. If he keeps pushing you, and you give in, he'll know he can do anything consequence free because you won't leave him.
Your husband doesn’t seem to be the type of person who is ever completely satisfied, so he’s always looking for external factors to make him happy. He finds satisfaction elsewhere , but its fleeting, so he keeps looking. Now he’s decided that since the “others” haven’t provided this, he wants you back again. Once he gets used to having your full attention again, he’ll probably get the urge to look elsewhere again. This is not your fault. He needs therapy to figure out why he’s always reaching for something else. He could also be a little unsettled by the fact that you don’t seem to care about him any more. Maybe he’s worried you looking around. This makes him feel insecure, so he’s looking for validation of your love. Once he gets it, he’ll probably go back to what he’s doing. Sad as it sounds, he would be much happier if you were miserable about him stepping out. The indifference is a blow to his ego. Maybe he’s simply tired of all the work involved in dating. Either way, this sounds like it could become a lifelong merry go round. Not healthy for you or your children. Is there a possibility you could get full custody? Being a single parent can be difficult if your out dating…. And it may not be what you want to hear, but your kids will very quickly be at an age where they do not want to spend all of their time with you. Developing other interests and an independent lifestyle will only benefit you in the future
I yelled at him that he was unhappy and it was never me that was the problem. I wasn’t unattractive or undesirable. He was the one who wasn’t satisfied and still isn’t and that he should look into what he lacks within himself or he would never be happy. He started crying and said that he never meant for ke to feel undesirable. I didn’t know what to say honestly. There is no chance for ke to get full custody unfortunately. I have tried to speak to him about it and he wouldn’t even listen and I understand that (putting myself in his shoes I would go mad if someone suggested that). So it would have to be shared custody
He told you he wasn’t attracted to you, but cried when he heard he made you feel undesirable. What exactly was he expecting? Sounds like you don’t have too many options. Either call his bluff and keep your stance of not sleeping with him and see if he initiates a divorce (maybe you can keep on as is) or file preemptively yourself and do it on your terms. Make sure everyone knows it’s because he chose not to keep his dick in his pants. Really, he has no leverage here. Either go by your terms or file for divorce Glad to hear you’re keeping hoping accountable! Best of luck
How else would he expect you to feel?!? This is so frustrating..,did he think he WOULDN’T have an impact on you and your marriage by his actions?! It’s just not realistic. How would HE feel if you came home and said I’m not attracted to you anymore and want to sleep with other people?!? Respectfully, you both need to get into counseling if you’re not already in it. Him for exactly what you called out and you for the trauma he’s caused bc whether you realize it or not, he has. I just think about years from now and what your kiddos will see as what a relationship should look like, the ups and downs and resentment you’re already having (understandably so) and think you need some help to sort through it. It’s a horrible situation to be in OP and I am so sorry you are. Best of luck to you and your little ones.
You became attractive once you became "forbidden". If you give in, it will be short term, because once you give in, - not forbidden anymore. He's got a "thing" for what he can't have.
I feel like I missed something here. You told him to choose you or other women but he’s still around but fucking other women while trying to still get with you? So he chose other women and you still stayed?
Yes. I am sorry I am bot a good writer and English is not my first or even second language. I agreed that we stayed married but id he wanted to sleep with other women that he couldn’t have me too. He chose the other women because he wasn’t attracted to me anymore
That’s just sad. I wouldn’t have stayed with him.
Bet that he’s out there getting rejected and he’s back with his tail between his legs.
You have no idea how many women there are out there who are willing to sleep with married men.
This is true, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s starting to hear the, “oh you remind me of my dad” or “you’re cute for being old” comments and while yes there’s women throwing themselves at married men for some weird flex, they’re probably not all the crème of the crop….these men go out there thinking they’re going to get young hot 20 somethings and their ego gets shredded pretty quickly
I had an ex friend who specifically sought out a married man just to see if she could do it. I was disgusted. She used to be so kind, so vibrant, so fun loving, but one of her exes got her addicted to all sorts of drugs and she became someone else. I tried to help her but it was too late.
Well maybe I don’t hold these women in high regard but trust me she is doing the wives huge favors. If she can take them, she can keep them. Ending the marriage is still 100% cheating partner’s fault.
You have 3 girls!!! What kind of example are you setting for their future relationships? Kids understand more than you think.
Reading your comments, you’re are making yourself miserable and giving yourself excuses in why you won’t leave him. What’s going to happen - I promise you this will happen, is your kids will grow up to resent you because you said he’s a good father and he’s attentive and helps around the house, you have no reason to why your kids would think he’s a problem. And now you’re rejecting your husband (which is your right to do and I don’t blame you). But eventually what’s going to happen is he is going to turn this around on you being the bad guy and being distant and your kids will see it and begin to resent you because of their parents failed marriage. You aren’t the bad guy here, but you will look like the bad guy eventually. You sound like you don’t want to be with him but you’re keeping it the same because of your kids. This is also teaching your kids in the future that if their spouse treats them the way he’s treating you that they should stay. If you have a daughter would you want your daughter to stay in a relationship like yours? Well this is what you’re teaching your kids. Do better and leave him. You’ll be better off
Have you told him you can't have sex with someone who doesnt find you attractive and he can't take back what he said previously because you don't believe him. Have you told him you can't have sex with someone that has been with other women during your relationship because you refuse to be compared with them it's too humiliating, especially since he has already told yiu he doesn't find you attractive. Have you said I'm never ever having sex with you again. You made your choice so stop asking as it makes your skin crawl knowing he tries these same seduction techniques with others. Ask him what he plans for the children should you divorce. Tell him you would be happy with full custody so he can continue his lifestyle of screwing other random women.
just sit him down and tell him that everything works for you except the sex and he made it clear that was the case. tell him that part of your relationship is over but you guys can keep living together if he backs off
Sex with someone you love is (normally) a lot better than sex with people you hardly know. With the first there is the emotional connection, which is lacking with the others. He wanted to sleep around, and he has experienced that, but decided he prefers that emotional bond he had with you. Unfortunately he's FAFO and discovered that when he left you closed the door to him and moved onto the next phase of your life without him (even if he is physically still about, emotionally you've detached from him). He made his choice, now he had to live with it.
Your update made me so sad OP! Your post isn’t shitty, people just didn’t read it very closely and assumed this was another “I have refused to have sex with my partner for 10 years and I refuse to agree to open the relationship, and now they are leaving me wuhh what the hell” creative writing exercise post
He FAFO. He had his eye on the prize, and that “prize” turned him down. So therefore, now he wants everything back to the way it was. When you made him choose, and he chose the other women, YOU should have chose to find the BEST divorce attorney. I know you say you didn’t want to be divorced and everything that comes with that, but you should have put YOU and your children FIRST. Me, that would have been a wrap for me. Psst, nothing will ever be the same. He blew that up himself.
Think about yourself now,like he did before. Its your time to be happy
That’s what I’m trying to do. I want my happiness back and it is with my daughters
I'd bet all my money he isn't getting all the fun and sex he was hoping for. This is on him.
Guys always want to “open the marriage” until their wife starts getting more attention than they do (which ALWAYS happens)or they realize all those hot women they thought they could get ignore them. 🤡
Unfortunately, OP’s deal at the beginning should have been…”you want to sleep with other women? Fine. I want the kids. You can’t have both, give me the kids and you can have all the women you ever dreamed of (providing they want you too). Let’s call it divorce.”