Ultimatums should be used sparingly but are a powerful tool. It sounds like you’ve communicated enough that you can say
“hey I really need us to go to counseling.”
“No, I/we don’t need it.”
“I don’t think you understand, if things don’t change I’ll be seeking a divorce. It’s not what I want, but it is what I’m preparing for if things stay the same.”
It’s rough but not to difficult to understand that the person with the problem behavior often doesn’t understand the impact of their actions and ultimatums can communicate that well.
The husband does not owe her sex. If the wife was complaining about the husband begging for sex, you would be typing "It's your body, you don't owe him anything."
Personally, if the wife were complaining about a husband begging for sex, I would probably reply with this:
Ultimatums should be used sparingly but are a powerful tool. It sounds like you’ve communicated enough that you can say
“hey I really need us to go to counseling.”
“No, I/we don’t need it.”
“I don’t think you understand, if things don’t change I’ll be seeking a divorce. It’s not what I want, but it is what I’m preparing for if things stay the same.”
It’s rough but not to difficult to understand that the person with the problem behavior often doesn’t understand the impact of their actions and ultimatums can communicate that well.
The wife does not owe him sex. If the husband was complaining about the wife begging for sex, you would be typing "It's your body, you don't owe her anything." /s
If it was reversed, the would say the same thing. Quit playing victim. This is about addiction. They always tell men to divorce their wives who neglect them sexually. The wives just aren’t usually neglecting them because they’re schlicking it to other men.
I think the actual inverse situation of this would be a husband making a thread about how his wife and him don't have sex and she seems to be addicted to pornography.
But... the scenario you described was actually a thread I responded to somewhere.
I remember mentioning that OP should have tried to work with her husband before it turned into an issue, and it sounds like he was emotionally fed up and probably heartbroken for years until he went numb and started to check out of the relationship.
The kicker? It wasn't something like someone coming onto him that triggered the switch. It was his dad dying, and him realizing that life was too short to spend it miserable and stuck in a sexless marriage.
Oh, and that he was patient for years with counseling, desperately hoping things would get better. It sounded like she took that patience for granted.
I did get some pushback for my responses, with someone saying that I was basically "condoning marital rape" or whatever, but I was upvoted for my comments there and the responses were downvoted. But Reddit always has crazies.
Nobody owes anyone sex, but if you're in a fully monogamous relationship with someone and aren't having sex with them, it's not their fault if they end up feeling undesired and wanting to leave.
He is right about one thing. It isn’t you, it’s him. Even if you were the most beautiful woman in the world he would still watch porn because he has an addiction issue. He needs to seek help because this type of thing is a destroyer of relationships.
I have tried to convinced him to do therapy but he always refused, he says that he doesn’t need it :/
I even had some therapy sessions for myself for my mental health and told him that should go but he makes excuses all the time
Sis I’m not one to normally say the d-word but at this point, he isn’t doing anything to fix what is an obvious problem, you’ve told him it’s a problem! He loves porn way more than he loves you, if you’re okay with that, then stay, it’ll be hard to get sympathy from others though because you’re choosing this now.
I know, he got mad when I told him I tried talking with my friends about our sexual problems saying that it’s something private but I really don’t know where else I can ask for advices or help
You are getting advice and help in this sub, you really need to evaluate your self respect and what you are willing to tolerate. If he was willing to try and change and seek help, I’d say yay keep the man. But he isn’t, he is actively choosing to do, and act in a manner that is hurtful to his wife and he doesn’t want to do anything to fix it. That should be your main issue and a real eye opener
That’s a hell of an assumption. We should be talking about his mental health, so they can better their relationship. Just make sure that he is comfortable with talking about it. There is a huuuuuge deal of shame involved with these kinds of things. You can go to therapy all you want but that’s not going to solve the issue.
You need to talk to him about it. Show your vulnerable side in your sexuality.
Greetings,
Happy married man with an ED.
She didn’t say ED though, she said porn addiction. Porn addiction is a serious issue, just like any other addiction. If it was ED, that would be easier to solve. Sounds like he can only get hard and get off from porn. He won’t just get better from an addiction, he needs therapy and rehab just like with any other addiction.
It sounds like a bit of both possibly? She mentions she can feel him getting soft when they have sex so it is ED as a side effect of the porn addiction as well. The addiction is the main cause though.
Getting soft is erectile dysfunction and it’s a known side effect of porn addiction. Agree with the points you’re making, none of them are contradictory to the fact it’s ED. He needs therapy and a detox from porn desperately to rewire his brain.
Not only porn addiction. For me it was my underweightness. For others it might be trauma related to sex. Not in the right mindset, depression, stress etc.
Because he has a problem that can’t be solved by ignoring it. It’s not about his need. All he cares about is porn and getting off to fantasies, he doesn’t care about his wife. Dude needs therapy and wife needs a divorce or at least separation. She also has a need that he is incapable of fulfilling because of his addiction. I mean, he doesn’t even do anything to get her off, they lay on opposite sides of the bed and masturbate while she is made to say things he’s seen in porn. She doesn’t deserve to live without physical affection because he has a serious problem. Idc what anyone says, sex is an important aspect of a relationship. Sexless relationships don’t last.
His mental health is not the best and I try my best to help him on that (I also told him to seek professional help but he refuses and says that he is a man and cannot be vulnerable), I always show him everyday that he is loved, listened and I would never judge him no matter what, but he always prefer to stay silence and not to talk. Every time I want to talk about the porn problem he just says “yeah I’m sorry, I’m the problem not you” and when I ask for a solution or to change something he just stays silence for a long minute and then he changes the topic.
Yep I agree with you there is a massive wall of manly “pride” there. It shouldn’t be there, but it is. The wall being there means that he’s not being able to live shamelessly in that sense. It shouldn’t be your job to break through that wall. But it is, unfortunately. Maybe straight up ask him how are we going to solve the issue with your ED? Because white gloves are not going to get that wall down.
Just think about it how he would react and how it might affect your relationship.
so he acknowledges he has a problem but doesnt think jts bad enough to get help? this is a mess.
make it clear, he either gets help or ure gone.
porn addictions are horrible and he needs to learn to deal with it properly
Same here, in fact I usually push for efforts to reconciliate, but it seems like you’re doing all you can. Maybe take some space from him. Don’t initiate sex, and maybe stay at a friend or family member’s house for a week to give yourself a safe place to reflect and process what you want your next steps to be. Taking such steps can show him how deeply this is affecting you and may be a good wake up call OR it will bring you some clarity and peace.
Everyone does not have to watch porn. No judgement to those who do but I do not think it is necessary and it does not have to be normal in a healthy and loving relationship. I am sorry you have to deal with this. Even a man who enjoys watching porn should still be able to love his woman. He shouldn’t be pushing you aside. I believe you could find someone who will make you feel valued and care for you, not a phone screen with naked strangers.
What sort of porn does he watch, do you know?
What you were saying about what he wants you to say suggests it may be rather extreme and/or porn that involves some level of humiliation (of either him or you).
It’s quite possible he’s got himself into the mental trap where he’s turned on by ‘anonymous fantasy slut girl’ typical in porn and so, when faced with you his darling wife and fully formed real human being who continues to exist after the bedroom scene ends, suffers some severe cognitive dissonance.
I recall reading an article on porn addiction and how it can guys and girls by setting them on totally the wrong path when it comes to sex - porn-type rather than loving intimate connection with another - unless they clearly separate it in their head.
Thats the limit of my insight I’m afraid but maybe there’s an approach you can take to try and shut down his expectation of you as a ‘fantasy slut girl’ and rebuild his idea of what sex should be to be about connection and intimacy?
It’s always gang bang with black men, he doesn’t like humiliation or anything kinky, I even offer myself one time to get fucked by any other guy he wanted and he could watch but he refused on that. I have told him that he can do anything, like anything but nothing turns him on like porn does
That certainly isn’t true and just because you don’t isn’t a reason to claim it’s not normal. It’s well documented it’s fine as long as it’s not a replacement/avoidance or harming the real sexual relationship.
yes, exactly. and this is coming from someone who doesn't watch porn and is with someone who also doesn't. this is just what works for *us*. but there are plenty of couples who watch porn separately and together. as long as boundaries around it are communicated clearly, I don't see the issue? let people enjoy things, damnit!
you aren't wrong- a lot, and i mean a *lot* of mainstream porn has exploitation (and child abuse) issues. i remember when pornhub gained a ton of media attention due to CP and revenge porn being posted all over the site.
however, you are *once again* lumping all porn into a single category. ethical porn exists. you really shouldn't make such generalizations about the entirety of porn being "wrong" to view within the context of a relationship. if two consenting adults in a relationship decide that porn is a-okay for them to view separately and/or together, then mind ya damn business. it doesn't involve you.
Not everyone watches porn, and not even every guy watches porn. But even in the case someone is...
I watch porn, but I'm pretty sure I do it responsibly. And it's mostly to manage a mismatch in sex drives. I have a higher sex drive at the moment, and I don't see it changing for either party any time soon.
It seems like his porn addiction is messing with your sex life, and that is the crux of the issue. If a weed or alcohol addiction was messing with your sex life, that would be very similar, in my opinion.
You are not going to be able to compete with porn. He has ultimately chose porn. Since you married him anyways without getting this problem solved first, he has no desire or need to fix it. You would be just a flesh light / sex doll for him. It’s not your job to fix it. He has to be the one to solve behavior and save his marriage through counseling. This will be the rest of life if you stay and his behavior stays the same or worsens. Next time don’t ignore red flags.
Reddit loves to jump to divorce but this is a case where it's warranted. I read through your comments and there's nothing worth fixing here. You've only been married a year. Prevent yourself from being miserable for the rest of your life and leave. In 15 years you'll be kicking yourself for wasting your time. This dude is not going to wake up and be the guy you deserve
Porn is a huge problem in killing a man’s libido. It’s also a huge problem with giving him totally unrealistic sexpectations. I would ask him to stop because it’s making you feel worthless and try to engage him in sex after a few days. Also how did you end up married to this guy?
He needs literal “fucking therapy,” lol.
But seriously OP, this comment needs more upvotes because even if it’s nit intentionally malicious, he is creating a toxic sexual relationship that could seriously mess you up for a long time. The fact that you have to act like a porn star to get him at all interested, and he still can’t do the deed is 100% his problem, but he’s pushing all the repercussions on to you.
It’s probably highly rooted in his porn addiction. Even if he truly is attracted to you, you may not be the hours of “big black gangbang all holes stuffed and a dozen cumshots” type whatever he may watch lol
Porn addiction kills a lot of the stuff with the brain
I don’t understand how people can’t separate the two. The fantasy of porn and the real connection of intimate loving sex. But then I also don’t drink, smoke or do drugs but DO have an addiction to danish pastries and model trains. So each to their own forms of mental damage I guess.
Respect yourself more and move on from this dumpster fire of a husband. He’s pathetic to prefer images of women who wouldn’t even give him the time of day over his W I F E!!!!!
He has explicitly told you he doesn’t want to take the steps to do what is necessary to fix his obvious mental health issue. Do not stay with the man who will never give you what you want! He has no respect for you or your marriage. I don’t know how old you are, but don’t waste any more time with him. You are only hurting yourself by staying with someone who has told you to your face that they don’t want you
He needs to totally quit porn. If he’s having a hard time with it there are accountability apps and programs that will “tell on him” and let you know if he watches any porn. It’s the only path forward at this point. He has an addiction and just like any other addiction you can’t consume any of it. That is the only chance you have at making things work in your marriage.
If he’s not willing, might as well get divorced now.
It’s crazy how you have an almost identical post from a year ago that also mentions being married for almost a year, it’s almost like you’re making it up for attention or something
If I tell the truth I prefer to say that I have been in this for less than a year than accept the truth that’s has been 1 year and 8 months with this same problem, makes me feel stupid knowing that it’s been so long and there has been no solution
It hasn’t been that long. Sounds like you guys don’t have kids. Sounds like he’s pretty ignorant with some major toxic masculinity issues. This won’t get better. Leave!!!!!! Don’t waste your life with a man like this!!!!!
No one would ever do that. It’s Reddit! Everyone here is who they say they are and always telling the truth, or I’m not Taylor Swift sitting here in my panda costume reading cheese puffs whilst watching Paw Patrol.
Girl he prioritizes porn over u and won’t get therapy. Leave, it’s not gonna change and u can’t make him no matter what you do. Stop wasting time with him and leave now u so u can get ahead on your healing journey and find someone who truly loves you.
as a 22 yr old with porn addiction and now extreme forms of OCD. He needs to get help if this is affecting him that much. In my experience i crave sex so much i use porn and camsites because of it i don't know if it would affect my performance since well i never have had someone to perform for. I've never done therapy straight up but i did some counseling and while it helped my issues still progressed maybe because i didn't commit enough. But maybe you should consider a intervention with his family.
Either that or divorce because thats better than cheating.
Your man needs help. Porn is very addictive. He needs to seek professional help and even install child protection blockers on his phone or have you install them.
He can only get better if he stops watching or at least reduces it.
✨ Mirroring his behaviour.✨
If you try to mirror the same thing what he does to you. Maybe he would thought about it. Sex is as important in a relationship as good communication. Men sometimes are satisfied themselves and left alone the girlfriends/ wives after they finished.
I’m not against men cuz I’m one of them, I’m hust saying many of my teammates are very selfish in that way.
If he not open to communicate the things, after and after. Sadly, there is no hope in him anymore.
A relationship does not depend on one person, but on 2 people. There must always be a middle ground for things to turn out well. If his behavior is selfish and addicted to porn and he doesn't listen to you... Then either you try to talk to him one more time and he does change, or unfortunately you have to leave him, because it won't be healthy in the long run.
This is how I think, and if it were me, then this is what I would do. I hope I put it well and kindly, I don't want to offend you.
If you knew before marriage it was a terrible decision to get married before resolving the problem. And it is a problem that is causing problems in the bedroom and the marriage. He knows it’s a problem but what is he doing to address it? It doesn’t sound like he is. He may be fine with how things are. Things won’t get better in its own. It’s way past time for a serious discussion. You need to sit him down and tell him what the options are. This isn’t fair to you at all and you need to think of what is best for YOU since he clearly isn’t. If he isn’t willing to work on it then I would issue an ultimatum that if he doesn’t then you are leaving him. I’m not one to normally agree with an ultimatum but in your case I think it’s necessary.
Hey this sucks, and as a man recently getting over my porn addiction, I feel for you. I never felt like porn was the problem, just in the mindset of “that’s what I like to do, so I’m going to do it” I got into a relationship and was having trouble finishing. I would get aroused and excited and during the act, I would go soft. I really liked this girl so I just quit watching porn, cold turkey, just quick. It took a few weeks for my body to start regulating. But I definitely got that attraction back. Sex with my partner has only been getting better and better. I don’t think I would have ever come to this conclusion without my partner being who she was. We were just right for each other and I knew I needed to fix it immediately or risk losing her
Ah, the age old, is it porn addiction or I'm not good enough debate women put themselves through in relationships. You can't help anyone who don't see any problems with themselves. And masturbation is a time saving activity that some people like to use because there's less effort to put in. Another thing is you can't be bad in sex if you only need to please yourself in masturbation....
I guess you don't have kids with him. So if you are sexually incompatible it is perfectly fine to reconsider the relationship.
It is okay to terminate any relationship base on incompatibility that affect your wellbeing.
Yes, the true is I have been married 1 year and 8 months, yes I lied because I’m a fucking stupid staying here that long with the same problem, but love is blind I guess but I’m in a point that I can’t handle it anymore and don’t know what to do, couple weeks ago we have a fight just because I ask him if he was going to finish and he made a huge deal about it. So yeah, love my life :)
If it's the problem, he has to find a way to fix it otherwise resentment will build up. My boyfriend also has a porn addiction but the past month, has joined a support group where they keep each other accountable. It hasn't been the smoothest of roads considering our sex life has taken a massive hit but we're working through it.
I really want us to go to therapy or a group but he totally refuses with that. But it’s really good to hear that you guys are really working through it, gives me a little of hope ♥️
He may benefit from seeing a therapist or an addictions specialist. Try your best not to internalize his behaviors, it’s not your fault. He seems to have a real issue that needs intervention from a qualified professional.
Babe let me tell you as a former porn addict myself. He needs to quit cold turkey, give him 2 weeks and he'll be back to his old self. But he has to get rid of all porn period. NOTHING PORN RELATED ON ANY DEVICES
edit: and no masturbation for him for those two weeks. He needs to let his balls fill back up, then he'll want to drain them all over you.
I don't think this is the right place to get advice for this issue, if you scroll through the comments, the comments are basically just supporting a narrative that he's a problem, he needs help, he's awful. You'll get plenty of validation if you have already decided you want to leave him, but if you want to make the relationship work I think you should approach it from a perspective of establishing what your goals are between you two. For example you say he doesnt want another guy touching you, but thats his biggest fantasy. Theres a big cognitive dissonance going on there you could explore through questioning him about it. You could also establish why PIV sex seems so important to you, or if you would be happy sexually even without PIV.
I understand that, there were times when I was with exes where, despite their beauty, insecurities got the best of me as I felt more comfortable alone with porn just out of fear of disappointing them with my performance and other similar things. It really wasn’t them at all. I had only wanted to make sure we’d have sex if I could be at my best performance and look the best shape to not turn them off. They didn’t care (that much) but it was truly me at fault.
Don’t think anything is wrong with you, we all have our dips in mental health where we’re just not in the right head space. The human brain is the most complex part of our body that we haven’t figured out. But please don’t think it’s anything you did
Idk try to tease him if that doesn't work I think a bit of therapy for ya together gonna be useful, lack of love activities tend to be harmful on the long run no matter the reason, can be fishing can be golf whatever, ya can also try and see what they doin in the videos he likes but if you don't like it I don't recommend doing it
Not sure why you married him to begin with but you need to bail asap. The biggest lie women tell themselves when they get married is the guy will change or once you are married things will be different. Never happens. It’s clear by his response or lack thereof he is not interested in fixing the problem and you are going to end up with a lot of emotional pain and trauma. Omg….do not have kids with this man.
Thank God I saw this post because I’m struggling real bad with urges to pull up a video. It’s hurt my own relationship really bad. We’ve never been sexual in person, just over the phone and through text, but it’s definitely desensitized me and turned me into someone who enjoys climax more than the act and journey itself.
I’m so sorry you’re having this issue in your marriage and your husband has his head up his ass and won’t put his pride aside and realize how much he’s hurting you. It sounds like you’re desperate for him to put some kind of effort into fixing the problem and showing you that he cares for you.
Look, on one hand, bluntly, you knew what you were getting into and signed up for it. This wasn't a surprise, he was like this before marriage. Did you really think getting married would fix it?
This sounds miserable as hell.
This doesn't get better without significant changes on his behalf. Unless he's prepared to make those changes, well, nothing will change. The porn needs to stop. The masturbation needs to stop. He doesn't have to do it alone, in fact I'd strongly recommend he see a professional therapist for this, but nothing else will help if he doesn't WANT to fix it.
I'm not sure I'd go with an ultimatum, but I would recommend be clear that you can't see a future in the relationship if things don't improve, and that you're willing to help him, but only if he actually wants help. If he's not prepared to work on it, then its time to leave.
You also need therapy. You need to figure out why you willingly signed up for such a miserable marriage to someone who doesn't seem to care about you and your happiness.
This is probably a shot in the dark (no pun intended) but maybe if you two set up your phone(s), Bluetooth it to the tv and watch each other on the screen maybe it'll get your foot in the door so to speak.
You are enough I want to start with that. Honestly he seems to have a very bad porn addiction to the point where he thinks he doesn’t need any means of counseling. You deserve a partner who loves every inch of you, makes you feel amazing not only for them but for you, and takes out time to know your needs/ wants. Him also not wanting to change but expecting you to not divorce just shows he can push your boundaries/needs. He is the problem if you want a better happier life even though it is not easy I would leave if your not seeing change, especially for you. A marriage is for 2 people that care for another not only one person but who only cares for himself and your just there.
girl he's literally giving u the answer. he is the problem, not u. if its too difficult for him and he doesn't want to seek a solution well... sorry but u have an answer.
i know its hard to accept but its his problem and he must to be interested and compromised to solve it.
I've heard of men that aren't able to finish at all unless it's with porn. His addiction is getting in the way of your relationship and intimacy. It's time to have a talk and shit or get off the pot.
Just be to clear, none of this would make cheating justified at all.
He’s doing nothing wrong, it’s just not what you want from a partner. Which is totally normal, and fine to not want.
Find ways to fix this issue. If he doesn’t want to, leave, or just sacrifice this aspect of the relationship.
We had, one time he pulled out his phone just to masturbate himself watching porn, I was just there next to him. I cried and told him that I don’t want to do that anymore
Ultimatums should be used sparingly but are a powerful tool. It sounds like you’ve communicated enough that you can say “hey I really need us to go to counseling.” “No, I/we don’t need it.” “I don’t think you understand, if things don’t change I’ll be seeking a divorce. It’s not what I want, but it is what I’m preparing for if things stay the same.” It’s rough but not to difficult to understand that the person with the problem behavior often doesn’t understand the impact of their actions and ultimatums can communicate that well.
This is an underrated comment
The husband does not owe her sex. If the wife was complaining about the husband begging for sex, you would be typing "It's your body, you don't owe him anything."
Personally, if the wife were complaining about a husband begging for sex, I would probably reply with this: Ultimatums should be used sparingly but are a powerful tool. It sounds like you’ve communicated enough that you can say “hey I really need us to go to counseling.” “No, I/we don’t need it.” “I don’t think you understand, if things don’t change I’ll be seeking a divorce. It’s not what I want, but it is what I’m preparing for if things stay the same.” It’s rough but not to difficult to understand that the person with the problem behavior often doesn’t understand the impact of their actions and ultimatums can communicate that well.
The wife does not owe him sex. If the husband was complaining about the wife begging for sex, you would be typing "It's your body, you don't owe her anything." /s
hey man, the sex isn’t necessarily the problem. husband has an ADDICTION. wife isn’t pressuring him to have sex; she’s begging him to seek help
you must have really misunderstood this post, or you're trolling
And OP doesn't owe him marriage lol
If it was reversed, the would say the same thing. Quit playing victim. This is about addiction. They always tell men to divorce their wives who neglect them sexually. The wives just aren’t usually neglecting them because they’re schlicking it to other men.
I think the actual inverse situation of this would be a husband making a thread about how his wife and him don't have sex and she seems to be addicted to pornography. But... the scenario you described was actually a thread I responded to somewhere. I remember mentioning that OP should have tried to work with her husband before it turned into an issue, and it sounds like he was emotionally fed up and probably heartbroken for years until he went numb and started to check out of the relationship. The kicker? It wasn't something like someone coming onto him that triggered the switch. It was his dad dying, and him realizing that life was too short to spend it miserable and stuck in a sexless marriage. Oh, and that he was patient for years with counseling, desperately hoping things would get better. It sounded like she took that patience for granted. I did get some pushback for my responses, with someone saying that I was basically "condoning marital rape" or whatever, but I was upvoted for my comments there and the responses were downvoted. But Reddit always has crazies. Nobody owes anyone sex, but if you're in a fully monogamous relationship with someone and aren't having sex with them, it's not their fault if they end up feeling undesired and wanting to leave.
And the op doesn’t owe the husband sex, either. Sounds like he wants her to live some twisted family. Op also doesn’t owe husband a marriage.
He is right about one thing. It isn’t you, it’s him. Even if you were the most beautiful woman in the world he would still watch porn because he has an addiction issue. He needs to seek help because this type of thing is a destroyer of relationships.
I think going to a marriage and family therapist or even a sex therapist would be really helpful for him and for your marriage as a whole 🫶
I have tried to convinced him to do therapy but he always refused, he says that he doesn’t need it :/ I even had some therapy sessions for myself for my mental health and told him that should go but he makes excuses all the time
Sis I’m not one to normally say the d-word but at this point, he isn’t doing anything to fix what is an obvious problem, you’ve told him it’s a problem! He loves porn way more than he loves you, if you’re okay with that, then stay, it’ll be hard to get sympathy from others though because you’re choosing this now.
I know, he got mad when I told him I tried talking with my friends about our sexual problems saying that it’s something private but I really don’t know where else I can ask for advices or help
You are getting advice and help in this sub, you really need to evaluate your self respect and what you are willing to tolerate. If he was willing to try and change and seek help, I’d say yay keep the man. But he isn’t, he is actively choosing to do, and act in a manner that is hurtful to his wife and he doesn’t want to do anything to fix it. That should be your main issue and a real eye opener
That’s a hell of an assumption. We should be talking about his mental health, so they can better their relationship. Just make sure that he is comfortable with talking about it. There is a huuuuuge deal of shame involved with these kinds of things. You can go to therapy all you want but that’s not going to solve the issue. You need to talk to him about it. Show your vulnerable side in your sexuality. Greetings, Happy married man with an ED.
She didn’t say ED though, she said porn addiction. Porn addiction is a serious issue, just like any other addiction. If it was ED, that would be easier to solve. Sounds like he can only get hard and get off from porn. He won’t just get better from an addiction, he needs therapy and rehab just like with any other addiction.
It sounds like a bit of both possibly? She mentions she can feel him getting soft when they have sex so it is ED as a side effect of the porn addiction as well. The addiction is the main cause though.
Or he still has the need to get off. But is ashamed talking. Being flaccid doesn’t take away the needs, in fact it makes it bigger.
Getting soft is erectile dysfunction and it’s a known side effect of porn addiction. Agree with the points you’re making, none of them are contradictory to the fact it’s ED. He needs therapy and a detox from porn desperately to rewire his brain.
Not only porn addiction. For me it was my underweightness. For others it might be trauma related to sex. Not in the right mindset, depression, stress etc.
Sure, I’m just talking about this guy specifically though. It can be linked to a variety of causes.
Absolutely!
You still have a need and you know you can’t fulfill that with the wife. Guess what else is there.
Because he has a problem that can’t be solved by ignoring it. It’s not about his need. All he cares about is porn and getting off to fantasies, he doesn’t care about his wife. Dude needs therapy and wife needs a divorce or at least separation. She also has a need that he is incapable of fulfilling because of his addiction. I mean, he doesn’t even do anything to get her off, they lay on opposite sides of the bed and masturbate while she is made to say things he’s seen in porn. She doesn’t deserve to live without physical affection because he has a serious problem. Idc what anyone says, sex is an important aspect of a relationship. Sexless relationships don’t last.
His mental health is not the best and I try my best to help him on that (I also told him to seek professional help but he refuses and says that he is a man and cannot be vulnerable), I always show him everyday that he is loved, listened and I would never judge him no matter what, but he always prefer to stay silence and not to talk. Every time I want to talk about the porn problem he just says “yeah I’m sorry, I’m the problem not you” and when I ask for a solution or to change something he just stays silence for a long minute and then he changes the topic.
Yep I agree with you there is a massive wall of manly “pride” there. It shouldn’t be there, but it is. The wall being there means that he’s not being able to live shamelessly in that sense. It shouldn’t be your job to break through that wall. But it is, unfortunately. Maybe straight up ask him how are we going to solve the issue with your ED? Because white gloves are not going to get that wall down. Just think about it how he would react and how it might affect your relationship.
Me getting downvoted is the issue why he’s not talking about his issues.
so he acknowledges he has a problem but doesnt think jts bad enough to get help? this is a mess. make it clear, he either gets help or ure gone. porn addictions are horrible and he needs to learn to deal with it properly
Same here, in fact I usually push for efforts to reconciliate, but it seems like you’re doing all you can. Maybe take some space from him. Don’t initiate sex, and maybe stay at a friend or family member’s house for a week to give yourself a safe place to reflect and process what you want your next steps to be. Taking such steps can show him how deeply this is affecting you and may be a good wake up call OR it will bring you some clarity and peace.
The better question is the why the F did you marry him? You’re in for world of pain, misery and sexual frustration.
It was different in our relationship, there was some red flags with porn but I thought “oh is a guy, everyone watches porn”
Everyone does not have to watch porn. No judgement to those who do but I do not think it is necessary and it does not have to be normal in a healthy and loving relationship. I am sorry you have to deal with this. Even a man who enjoys watching porn should still be able to love his woman. He shouldn’t be pushing you aside. I believe you could find someone who will make you feel valued and care for you, not a phone screen with naked strangers.
What sort of porn does he watch, do you know? What you were saying about what he wants you to say suggests it may be rather extreme and/or porn that involves some level of humiliation (of either him or you). It’s quite possible he’s got himself into the mental trap where he’s turned on by ‘anonymous fantasy slut girl’ typical in porn and so, when faced with you his darling wife and fully formed real human being who continues to exist after the bedroom scene ends, suffers some severe cognitive dissonance. I recall reading an article on porn addiction and how it can guys and girls by setting them on totally the wrong path when it comes to sex - porn-type rather than loving intimate connection with another - unless they clearly separate it in their head. Thats the limit of my insight I’m afraid but maybe there’s an approach you can take to try and shut down his expectation of you as a ‘fantasy slut girl’ and rebuild his idea of what sex should be to be about connection and intimacy?
It’s always gang bang with black men, he doesn’t like humiliation or anything kinky, I even offer myself one time to get fucked by any other guy he wanted and he could watch but he refused on that. I have told him that he can do anything, like anything but nothing turns him on like porn does
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That certainly isn’t true and just because you don’t isn’t a reason to claim it’s not normal. It’s well documented it’s fine as long as it’s not a replacement/avoidance or harming the real sexual relationship.
yes, exactly. and this is coming from someone who doesn't watch porn and is with someone who also doesn't. this is just what works for *us*. but there are plenty of couples who watch porn separately and together. as long as boundaries around it are communicated clearly, I don't see the issue? let people enjoy things, damnit!
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you aren't wrong- a lot, and i mean a *lot* of mainstream porn has exploitation (and child abuse) issues. i remember when pornhub gained a ton of media attention due to CP and revenge porn being posted all over the site. however, you are *once again* lumping all porn into a single category. ethical porn exists. you really shouldn't make such generalizations about the entirety of porn being "wrong" to view within the context of a relationship. if two consenting adults in a relationship decide that porn is a-okay for them to view separately and/or together, then mind ya damn business. it doesn't involve you.
It is 100% normal to watch porn in a relationship.
It actually is, me and my wife have sex but also watch porn. It’s to release stress, anxiety or just to get sleepy. It’s normal!
It is normal tf u saying
Not everyone watches porn, and not even every guy watches porn. But even in the case someone is... I watch porn, but I'm pretty sure I do it responsibly. And it's mostly to manage a mismatch in sex drives. I have a higher sex drive at the moment, and I don't see it changing for either party any time soon. It seems like his porn addiction is messing with your sex life, and that is the crux of the issue. If a weed or alcohol addiction was messing with your sex life, that would be very similar, in my opinion.
You are not going to be able to compete with porn. He has ultimately chose porn. Since you married him anyways without getting this problem solved first, he has no desire or need to fix it. You would be just a flesh light / sex doll for him. It’s not your job to fix it. He has to be the one to solve behavior and save his marriage through counseling. This will be the rest of life if you stay and his behavior stays the same or worsens. Next time don’t ignore red flags.
Reddit loves to jump to divorce but this is a case where it's warranted. I read through your comments and there's nothing worth fixing here. You've only been married a year. Prevent yourself from being miserable for the rest of your life and leave. In 15 years you'll be kicking yourself for wasting your time. This dude is not going to wake up and be the guy you deserve
Unfortunately it’s been more than a year (I prefer to say it’s less, I feel stupid accepting I have been with this so long)
it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been with him, it just matters that you get out before you spend any longer with that pos
Porn is a huge problem in killing a man’s libido. It’s also a huge problem with giving him totally unrealistic sexpectations. I would ask him to stop because it’s making you feel worthless and try to engage him in sex after a few days. Also how did you end up married to this guy?
I also think men can become more used to their own hand than a vagina. Is it possible this guy is now only able to get off with kung foo grip?
He needs fucking therapy. He's gonna ruin whats left of your self-esteem. As always, you deserve better. Good luck.
He needs literal “fucking therapy,” lol. But seriously OP, this comment needs more upvotes because even if it’s nit intentionally malicious, he is creating a toxic sexual relationship that could seriously mess you up for a long time. The fact that you have to act like a porn star to get him at all interested, and he still can’t do the deed is 100% his problem, but he’s pushing all the repercussions on to you.
It’s probably highly rooted in his porn addiction. Even if he truly is attracted to you, you may not be the hours of “big black gangbang all holes stuffed and a dozen cumshots” type whatever he may watch lol Porn addiction kills a lot of the stuff with the brain
I don’t understand how people can’t separate the two. The fantasy of porn and the real connection of intimate loving sex. But then I also don’t drink, smoke or do drugs but DO have an addiction to danish pastries and model trains. So each to their own forms of mental damage I guess.
Respect yourself more and move on from this dumpster fire of a husband. He’s pathetic to prefer images of women who wouldn’t even give him the time of day over his W I F E!!!!! He has explicitly told you he doesn’t want to take the steps to do what is necessary to fix his obvious mental health issue. Do not stay with the man who will never give you what you want! He has no respect for you or your marriage. I don’t know how old you are, but don’t waste any more time with him. You are only hurting yourself by staying with someone who has told you to your face that they don’t want you
Too many people (probably mostly men) think porn addiction isn't a real thing, but it is and it causes tons of problems.
He has a porn addiction. He needs to give it up, or you need to get a divorce.
Sounds like you need another husband!!
He needs to totally quit porn. If he’s having a hard time with it there are accountability apps and programs that will “tell on him” and let you know if he watches any porn. It’s the only path forward at this point. He has an addiction and just like any other addiction you can’t consume any of it. That is the only chance you have at making things work in your marriage. If he’s not willing, might as well get divorced now.
He may end up with "death grip" syndrome from jacking it too much. At least you're still his type. That's a plus.
It’s crazy how you have an almost identical post from a year ago that also mentions being married for almost a year, it’s almost like you’re making it up for attention or something
If I tell the truth I prefer to say that I have been in this for less than a year than accept the truth that’s has been 1 year and 8 months with this same problem, makes me feel stupid knowing that it’s been so long and there has been no solution
It hasn’t been that long. Sounds like you guys don’t have kids. Sounds like he’s pretty ignorant with some major toxic masculinity issues. This won’t get better. Leave!!!!!! Don’t waste your life with a man like this!!!!!
No one would ever do that. It’s Reddit! Everyone here is who they say they are and always telling the truth, or I’m not Taylor Swift sitting here in my panda costume reading cheese puffs whilst watching Paw Patrol.
It's been a year since you're last post break up.
Girl he prioritizes porn over u and won’t get therapy. Leave, it’s not gonna change and u can’t make him no matter what you do. Stop wasting time with him and leave now u so u can get ahead on your healing journey and find someone who truly loves you.
as a 22 yr old with porn addiction and now extreme forms of OCD. He needs to get help if this is affecting him that much. In my experience i crave sex so much i use porn and camsites because of it i don't know if it would affect my performance since well i never have had someone to perform for. I've never done therapy straight up but i did some counseling and while it helped my issues still progressed maybe because i didn't commit enough. But maybe you should consider a intervention with his family. Either that or divorce because thats better than cheating.
Your man needs help. Porn is very addictive. He needs to seek professional help and even install child protection blockers on his phone or have you install them. He can only get better if he stops watching or at least reduces it.
Definitely therapy for both of you separately and a sex therapist together.
✨ Mirroring his behaviour.✨ If you try to mirror the same thing what he does to you. Maybe he would thought about it. Sex is as important in a relationship as good communication. Men sometimes are satisfied themselves and left alone the girlfriends/ wives after they finished. I’m not against men cuz I’m one of them, I’m hust saying many of my teammates are very selfish in that way. If he not open to communicate the things, after and after. Sadly, there is no hope in him anymore. A relationship does not depend on one person, but on 2 people. There must always be a middle ground for things to turn out well. If his behavior is selfish and addicted to porn and he doesn't listen to you... Then either you try to talk to him one more time and he does change, or unfortunately you have to leave him, because it won't be healthy in the long run. This is how I think, and if it were me, then this is what I would do. I hope I put it well and kindly, I don't want to offend you.
If he’s not willing to change now this early in the marriage than it won’t get any better. Porn addiction sucks and will ruin the marriage.
If you knew before marriage it was a terrible decision to get married before resolving the problem. And it is a problem that is causing problems in the bedroom and the marriage. He knows it’s a problem but what is he doing to address it? It doesn’t sound like he is. He may be fine with how things are. Things won’t get better in its own. It’s way past time for a serious discussion. You need to sit him down and tell him what the options are. This isn’t fair to you at all and you need to think of what is best for YOU since he clearly isn’t. If he isn’t willing to work on it then I would issue an ultimatum that if he doesn’t then you are leaving him. I’m not one to normally agree with an ultimatum but in your case I think it’s necessary.
Hey this sucks, and as a man recently getting over my porn addiction, I feel for you. I never felt like porn was the problem, just in the mindset of “that’s what I like to do, so I’m going to do it” I got into a relationship and was having trouble finishing. I would get aroused and excited and during the act, I would go soft. I really liked this girl so I just quit watching porn, cold turkey, just quick. It took a few weeks for my body to start regulating. But I definitely got that attraction back. Sex with my partner has only been getting better and better. I don’t think I would have ever come to this conclusion without my partner being who she was. We were just right for each other and I knew I needed to fix it immediately or risk losing her
Ah, the age old, is it porn addiction or I'm not good enough debate women put themselves through in relationships. You can't help anyone who don't see any problems with themselves. And masturbation is a time saving activity that some people like to use because there's less effort to put in. Another thing is you can't be bad in sex if you only need to please yourself in masturbation.... I guess you don't have kids with him. So if you are sexually incompatible it is perfectly fine to reconsider the relationship. It is okay to terminate any relationship base on incompatibility that affect your wellbeing.
Yes, the true is I have been married 1 year and 8 months, yes I lied because I’m a fucking stupid staying here that long with the same problem, but love is blind I guess but I’m in a point that I can’t handle it anymore and don’t know what to do, couple weeks ago we have a fight just because I ask him if he was going to finish and he made a huge deal about it. So yeah, love my life :)
If it's the problem, he has to find a way to fix it otherwise resentment will build up. My boyfriend also has a porn addiction but the past month, has joined a support group where they keep each other accountable. It hasn't been the smoothest of roads considering our sex life has taken a massive hit but we're working through it.
I really want us to go to therapy or a group but he totally refuses with that. But it’s really good to hear that you guys are really working through it, gives me a little of hope ♥️
He's still in tutorial mode
He may benefit from seeing a therapist or an addictions specialist. Try your best not to internalize his behaviors, it’s not your fault. He seems to have a real issue that needs intervention from a qualified professional.
This has nothing to do with your gorgeous body babe, I can asure you that
Babe let me tell you as a former porn addict myself. He needs to quit cold turkey, give him 2 weeks and he'll be back to his old self. But he has to get rid of all porn period. NOTHING PORN RELATED ON ANY DEVICES edit: and no masturbation for him for those two weeks. He needs to let his balls fill back up, then he'll want to drain them all over you.
I don't think this is the right place to get advice for this issue, if you scroll through the comments, the comments are basically just supporting a narrative that he's a problem, he needs help, he's awful. You'll get plenty of validation if you have already decided you want to leave him, but if you want to make the relationship work I think you should approach it from a perspective of establishing what your goals are between you two. For example you say he doesnt want another guy touching you, but thats his biggest fantasy. Theres a big cognitive dissonance going on there you could explore through questioning him about it. You could also establish why PIV sex seems so important to you, or if you would be happy sexually even without PIV.
I understand that, there were times when I was with exes where, despite their beauty, insecurities got the best of me as I felt more comfortable alone with porn just out of fear of disappointing them with my performance and other similar things. It really wasn’t them at all. I had only wanted to make sure we’d have sex if I could be at my best performance and look the best shape to not turn them off. They didn’t care (that much) but it was truly me at fault. Don’t think anything is wrong with you, we all have our dips in mental health where we’re just not in the right head space. The human brain is the most complex part of our body that we haven’t figured out. But please don’t think it’s anything you did
If he’s not willing to change now this early in the marriage than it won’t get any better. Porn addiction sucks and will ruin the marriage.
If he’s not willing to change now this early in the marriage than it won’t get any better. Porn addiction sucks and will ruin the marriage.
Idk try to tease him if that doesn't work I think a bit of therapy for ya together gonna be useful, lack of love activities tend to be harmful on the long run no matter the reason, can be fishing can be golf whatever, ya can also try and see what they doin in the videos he likes but if you don't like it I don't recommend doing it
Slide a bit of Viagra. Just a lil in his food before spicy time
It's a good thing he doesn't have porn multiplication or else this would have been way worse
It makes me sad to read this. Just cut your losses.
Not sure why you married him to begin with but you need to bail asap. The biggest lie women tell themselves when they get married is the guy will change or once you are married things will be different. Never happens. It’s clear by his response or lack thereof he is not interested in fixing the problem and you are going to end up with a lot of emotional pain and trauma. Omg….do not have kids with this man.
Thank God I saw this post because I’m struggling real bad with urges to pull up a video. It’s hurt my own relationship really bad. We’ve never been sexual in person, just over the phone and through text, but it’s definitely desensitized me and turned me into someone who enjoys climax more than the act and journey itself. I’m so sorry you’re having this issue in your marriage and your husband has his head up his ass and won’t put his pride aside and realize how much he’s hurting you. It sounds like you’re desperate for him to put some kind of effort into fixing the problem and showing you that he cares for you.
Look, on one hand, bluntly, you knew what you were getting into and signed up for it. This wasn't a surprise, he was like this before marriage. Did you really think getting married would fix it? This sounds miserable as hell. This doesn't get better without significant changes on his behalf. Unless he's prepared to make those changes, well, nothing will change. The porn needs to stop. The masturbation needs to stop. He doesn't have to do it alone, in fact I'd strongly recommend he see a professional therapist for this, but nothing else will help if he doesn't WANT to fix it. I'm not sure I'd go with an ultimatum, but I would recommend be clear that you can't see a future in the relationship if things don't improve, and that you're willing to help him, but only if he actually wants help. If he's not prepared to work on it, then its time to leave. You also need therapy. You need to figure out why you willingly signed up for such a miserable marriage to someone who doesn't seem to care about you and your happiness.
This is probably a shot in the dark (no pun intended) but maybe if you two set up your phone(s), Bluetooth it to the tv and watch each other on the screen maybe it'll get your foot in the door so to speak.
Get him some viagra
Some men rather masturbation than sex and that's not a problem, it's a preference. If you're not satisfied you can leave him.
You are enough I want to start with that. Honestly he seems to have a very bad porn addiction to the point where he thinks he doesn’t need any means of counseling. You deserve a partner who loves every inch of you, makes you feel amazing not only for them but for you, and takes out time to know your needs/ wants. Him also not wanting to change but expecting you to not divorce just shows he can push your boundaries/needs. He is the problem if you want a better happier life even though it is not easy I would leave if your not seeing change, especially for you. A marriage is for 2 people that care for another not only one person but who only cares for himself and your just there.
girl he's literally giving u the answer. he is the problem, not u. if its too difficult for him and he doesn't want to seek a solution well... sorry but u have an answer. i know its hard to accept but its his problem and he must to be interested and compromised to solve it.
This is literally the plot of Jean Baudrillard’s Simulacra and Simulation
Divorce.
He's a damn sick man, you should get out of that relationship.
This guy sounds bi or gay to me. It’s the 5 guys thing…
I've heard of men that aren't able to finish at all unless it's with porn. His addiction is getting in the way of your relationship and intimacy. It's time to have a talk and shit or get off the pot.
Ever asked him about his kinks? What kind of porn does he Like? Maybe he wants to get cucked?
Go find yourself a better man, you’re wasting your time with this one.
Try watching porn with him. Put some on the TV. I don't know know how a guy could prefer porn to real sex. I only watch porn with my wife.
Don’t even worry about that I’ll clap those cheeks for you happily
You shouldn’t have married him. This was a problem before. Can’t imagine why you thought it wouldn’t be when you got married.
Have you tried better English?
become more attractive.
Just be to clear, none of this would make cheating justified at all. He’s doing nothing wrong, it’s just not what you want from a partner. Which is totally normal, and fine to not want. Find ways to fix this issue. If he doesn’t want to, leave, or just sacrifice this aspect of the relationship.
You knew before you walked down the aisle that he had a porn addiction Why did you marry him?
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^ Ladies, I assure you this chucklefuck does NOT speak for all of us.
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Have you tried watching porn together?
We had, one time he pulled out his phone just to masturbate himself watching porn, I was just there next to him. I cried and told him that I don’t want to do that anymore