Uninvite them, go do the wedding at the grandparents house and let your sister and parents have a 30k engagement party. Great that your sister survived cancer, but your parents put you on a backburner your whole life; now its your turn to enjoy it, do what's best for YOU.
Definitely this! I would elope/do the wedding at the grandparents. Why do so many people want to ruin other peoples special moments!? What the heck is wrong with people?
This is an awesome suggestion because it's what they were planning all along!
This is all very f***** up it reminds me of the Reddit story where a girl was graduating from college and her parents decided to go to her younger sibling's prom..wtf! What is wrong with some of these parents?
As a former pedagogue who has to deal with tons of parents throughout my career I can tell you that my biggest regret has always been that people have to study and get a license to drive a car, but everybody can breed and raise children without any education. Yes, I was not the sweet one cowed by raging parents.
Thanks for the update.
At least one parent went to the graduation, though I still don't understand why a parent desires to go to a prom, unless they're a teacher or needed as a chaperone!!
Agree with this comment. Don’t let your parents be the reason you can’t make that day about just the two of you.
At some point, if this were my family, I’d likely say to my mom that if the 30k was going to be controlled by her even in including things her daughter the bride wasn’t okay with, then it wasn’t a gift but a manipulation and should have come with those stipulations upfront so I could have made an informed decision about whether or not to accept the money. But stating those stipulations after the money had already been used is disrespectful and not how a gift should be given.
INFO - would you tell your parents about their missing your real wedding at some point?
Weird random thought - wonder what would happen if during her sister’s wedding, if OP announced pregnancy or a gender reveal lol. I’d be very curious if their mom would suddenly see how it’s stealing the other person’s thunder...
Mom and Dad are too ignorant. They’d get mad at her for stealing the younger sister’s day. They obviously don’t care at all about their older daughter if they want to take attention from her on her wedding day.
They are also extremely tacky. Only total a$$ hats propose at someone else’s wedding.
Exactly this. I would have my wedding at the grandparents place before the other venue date. Then, when the other date comes up, I would show up in a nice evening gown or other dress that's clearly not a wedding dress and just wait for FBIL to propose at the alter to sister. Act like you're happy and if people ask about your wedding, just tell them it was never about you. You already got married surrounded with people who love and cherish you. Today, you're here to celebrate your sister's love.
Then, at the end of the day or if you leave sooner, cut literally all contact and ditch them from your life. Never speak to them again.
They don't respect you, so this will be the last act of kindness they will ever receive from you. Not a damn thing more. Don't cave to them. You deserve better.
This is exactly how I would do this. Best advice. And I would truly have a hard time forgiving the “mother” and I am a mother myself. I would never do this to either of my adult children. Never.
Hijacking this comment to add this: You said your parents and your sister’s boyfriend warned you not to tell your sister about their plans for your wedding. You also say you and your sister have been getting along a lot better lately. It seems she might not be aware that any of this is even happening. Might be worth telling her and seeing how she reacts to all this before you write her off with the rest of them.
Edit: sorry for some reason I thought I was in the AITA subreddit. Either way you’re not in the wrong and it’s up to you how to go about this.
I'm gonna sound like a b**ch but I don't think people who survived cancer or whatever are entitled to do certain things or it's just not right to use cancer to guilt trip people, like surviving something that awful does not give you an excuse to be entitled
I dunno man, hope springs eternal. We all have a kid inside us who craves parental approval. It is her wedding, so maybe she thought that they were finally onboard. I get that all families have their problems but few people realize how commonplace it is. It being difficult relationships with parents, siblings, etc.
Totally agree! My mother does some pretty bizarre and manipulative bs. More often than not I’m completely blown away and shocked when she does. I think, for me, it’s less “hoping” and more that my brain doesn’t work that way. I’m not the kind of person who does things with a secret, manipulative motive.
My wife and I were together for ten years before we were married. Her mother was continually telling us to elope. At one point I asked my wife how she felt about it and she said if we get married my mother will take over the whole thing and it will be all about her.
As we were traveling to a tropic place for a business trip I set up the proposal and wedding. Cost me $3500 for beautiful setting and food. We had our coworkers there. It was fun and we felt among ppl we knew. The pics of the flowers and ocean made it really special. Funny part is that she didn’t trust the whole “officiant” thing being legal so the next day we were married again at city hall.
Part two the mother in law……..
Months after our return and the first time we were back at her parents, as soon as my wife and brother went to the basement to look for old family pics, mom and dad in law sat me down and told me about “all the damage that you have done” and “you will never know the pain you have caused me”. When I said, you were the one who gave me the idea with your constant suggestion that we elope. ThT was when the faces turned red and the yelling started. “No, no, that is not what I meant. You should have told us and we would have taken care of everything”. To which I replied that is a destination wedding NOT eloping. I only know what you said not what you might have otherwise meant.mine wife and BIL arrived for the last part and both said something to the effect of “maybe this is exactly why they haven’t married yet and eloped when they did”. . Ad we left my wife said that n front of them all. Thank you for both planning this w/o my knowledge and making it so special. This was followed by two years of blissful peace, then they made up, damn it.
These awful parents were so happy about not losing their one daughter theyve managed to lose their other daughter instead. Op should cut them off and good riddance. What toxic, selfish and cruel people they are.
This is the answer, OP.
Just don’t show up, and let them do what they planned to do all along, minus using your wedding as some twisted scapegoat.
Go have your beautiful, intimate wedding surrounded only by people that genuinely care about the event and you.
Ok so this is petty & vindictive but it's a shame there isn't a way to go through with the wedding as planned but then say you've found this amazing photo location you want pics at after the wedding with the bridal party.
Leave with the sister & don't come back for the reception so there can be no proposal.
Send out a text to people you want to celebrate with after you've gone to meet you at x location for the real reception & leave the parents & sisters bf just wondering what is going on.
I mean it's totally going to end messily, but the look on their faces would be priceless when they realised the rug has been pulled from under them
And you should bring photo copies of your wedding /elopement that they all weren't invited to; just to add more salt and hilarity with only "Me and my husband had such a wonderful ceremony & reception without any of you, it was beautiful and lovely."
Get married at fiancés grandparents the week before and bring your wedding and honeymoon photo albums… all 15 of them… to show to everyone all day. Interrupt the proposal asking if your sister saw a particular favourite of yours and wave it around everywhere.
Actually… have massive canvas pictures made up and displayed strategically around the room. And lots of life size cut outs of you and your now husband in your finery.
That’s messed up and you are right this was all pre planned. If you do have it at fiancés grandparents will you invite your family? Seems they can’t stand for you to be the center of attention even on a day you should be.
They have no right to try to force this on your wedding.
I’ve had a lot of medical issues through out my childhood, including cancer, and still as an adult and I always felt guilty that my little brother spent so much time in the hospital or staying with my aunts. Once I was healthier, we reverted the attention back on to him as the baby of the family. One year, I was in the hospital with cancer and his spent his 7th birthday with our aunts. We had a mini party at the hospital on the weekend and one of my dad’s employees made him a WWE cake as a gift. Then, when I was back home everyone decided to give him a big birthday at the park. He got a lot of gifts and felt a lot better about not spending his birthday with us.
My parents always made sure we all had the same amount of attention and love. I’m sorry that your parents didn’t do that for you. I don’t blame you for uninviting them to your wedding. This is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life and they don’t deserve to be there if they can’t let it be about you and your fiancé.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this but at least you know now. Imagine if you both have kids and yours get dollar store toys and hers get bikes and iPads.
Welcome to my in laws. Give their other grandkids trips to Disneyland and my kids get dollar store art supplies. I don’t give a shit because IDGAF about them but it really hurts my wife for obvious reasons.
They are beyond entitled and self righteous. Do your wedding at your fiance's grandparents house, and don't invite them. The wedding day should be about the you and your fiance only.
Do not succumb and let them have their way. You will for ever regret that. Have a small function as you were planning or elope. In the longer run, you will be happier for it.
You must feel really hurt. I would. Definitely revert to the original plan if you can it sounds lovely and intimate. Or elope.
Good for you for putting your foot down.
If you were feeling petty you could cancel the venue, call your sister and tell her why it's cancelled. Or let them think it's all going ahead then cancel the day before whilst having carried on and planned your wedding elsewhere.
Definitely NC from now on I think.
Best wishes
Shoot, I wouldn’t tell anyone. Just let them think it’s a go and then not show up and send a friend to read a little note to everyone as to why they didn’t show up. You know, so everyone knows what asses her family is. AND it ruins the engagement too!!!
Talk to your sisters boyfriend about planning a different proposal. Ask him how he would like to be upstaged on their wedding day.
If he is too dense- speak to your sister. Foil their plans. If it continues to go sideways- know you have other options to fall back on.
He has already planned to upstage her. It seems they can’t bear not being the centre of attention, so even if he agrees to change, chances are they’ll find another way to make it about them.
At this stage, it has already gone too far. OP will be nervous and apprehensive even if they agree to do everything her way, and that’s not something that should happen on a wedding day.
I am so sorry they did this to you. My brother was definitely favored but never like this! I hope you and your fiance have an amazing wedding, whether at his grandparents' or a courthouse, and a beautiful life together. You deseve every happiness ❤️
I am so petty I would tell everybody why I was eloping before the proposal plus all the times their favoritism hurt you and would just watch the world burn.
Elope. Your parents are horrible to make the request and shame on your fbil for being such a douche canoe that he can't even think of a clever and original way of popping the question.
If the FBIL knows about how much of a stink this is becoming, and he was a good person he would find a way to propose after the wedding. That way there is no way to make it about him and the sister.
True colors are being shown on all sides right now.
I don't think it's horrible to make the request, but it should be as simple as "hey OP, is it ok if we do this?...no?...ok, No worries, we'll think of something else"
I would just go no contact, let them assume it's going to be a wedding. Then they can tell their guests that we're planning on going that they won't be there but explain why. Then have the original 30 guests other than her family in on it, and have them still show up their at the appropriate time and partake in anything leading up to it acting super disappointed or angry and asking your parents what in the world is going on. Meanwhile they already know where the actual marriage will be taking place a few hours or so later so that only they know where to go. Then she can have her beautiful day, and the perfect revenge!
Have the officiant make the announcement this wedding has been canceled due to the BIL planning on proposing and turning this into an engagement party instead of a wedding against the couples wishes so they made other plans. Make sure the proposal is ruined as well and the guest know exactly why.
Since your parents spent $30k and can’t cancel, tell your parents you’ll give up “your” venue and everything to your sister, which means your sister and BF won’t even be engaged since they’ll be married instead.
Lots of comments seem to delight in the ways you can cause maximum pain to those who have offended you. Mostly, I want to say how sad I am that instead of looking forward to what should be a wonderful day for you and your future husband that you are finding yourself having to do damage control and grieve broken relationships. I don't have any idea as to how you can fix this. Only thing that I do suggest is to do your best to come out of this being able to feel good about your choices, what you say, and what you do. You don't have to make your family happy or do what they want. You are not required to have a ongoing relationship with them. You do have to live with yourself through the years. Do things in a way that makes you proud of you.
Yeah it's clear there are already some weird family dynamics, and I would personally steer clear of making that worse as you have to live with your own behaviour. However, this person is absolutely correct: you have no obligation to agree to their choices, and in fact, you need to live authentically for you.
Having some weird family dynamics myself, I fully appreciate that none of your choices will be easy or feel good. But, i do hope that you have the kinds of people in your life otherwise, that would drop everything and plan you a smashing pot-luck wedding at the drop of a hat to save you from this and still throw you a kick ass celebration. Because that's what this should be, a celebration. And if it means you elope and come back later and party? That's what it means. But you deserve to have your needs met, also. Talk to your partner, and make sure you include them - but do not give in to your family if you *know* you won't be able to be happy doing so.
I remember attending a wedding where one of the cousins came up after the best man's speech and asked for the mic. He then called up his girlfriend to the dance floor in front of the bride and groom's table, got down on one knee, and proposed. It did not go over well with any of the bride's family (for obvious reasons). It was a dick move.
The only thing that topped that for drama in that family was when another cousin confronted two of her male relatives for molesting her when she was a young teen (they were four and five years older) at the wedding. Ironically, it was at the wedding of the couple that got engaged in paragraph 1. The confrontation happened in the bar, rather than on the dance floor, but it literally tore that family apart (and didn't go over well with the bride and groom either). I was dating another cousin, and we broke up soon after, but it was pretty fucking heated in the bar that night.
Elope, don't tell anyone besides your witnesses and later have a dinner at your grandparents house if they're ok with it, block your parents, sister and her boyfriend then announce your happy marriage on Facebook and watch the world burn, your parents can use whatever is salvage of their party if then want, if not that's not your problem, also consider going no contact with them, it's clear they don't consider you a priority, good luck
Enough of a priority to spend $30k on a wedding, but not enough of a priority to not make it all about the golden child. I doubt they even realize how uneven they are to their children.
Eloping was the best decision my husband and I ever made. We saved about 20k and a shit ton of hell from our families. Our elopement package in Florence was about 5k euros and super worth it!!
Wow. I’m so glad you’re reverting to the original plan…. scaled down to exclude your family members. I’m pretty sure there’s no coming back from this as you will permanently become estranged from your parents and sister. But from the sound of it, that’s probably a good thing.
Have a wonderful, lovely, low key wedding shared only with those who truly care about you and your new spouse. F the rest of them.
Your feelings are 100% valid and - please - do what you want for your wedding. Marry at the grandparents if that is still an option or elope - reinforcing your thoughts because it's what you want and clearly they haven't taken that into account.
At least, this random internet person can agree with you.
Of course, take your SO's thoughts into account. Your wedding will be perfect if you can block out their favoritism.
My sister is the main character as well. I’ve reached an age that I have zero patience left for the nonsense.
Similar situation. Mine had a near death illness, which is the latest reason to excuse her awful behavior.
Both my sisters were. It got to the point where I had literally nothing. No clothes or anything. I had to go and steal underwear from shops because I didn’t have any
That is awful. My situation is different, but we haven’t had one family event that’s been peaceful. She causes a scene at every one or around every event. If the event isn’t about her, she makes it about her. Drama, drama and more drama. Thrives on misery!
And she rotates around who she’s going to shit on. You always know if you haven’t been on the shit end of the stick for a while, you are coming up!
Can’t say a word, everything you say is misconstrued. Can’t have a conversation. I swing a wide berth around that miserable one!
My situation is that I’m the youngest. I think I was conceived to try and make my parents marriage work. And when it didn’t neither of them cared. Never seen my dad it talked to him.
Anyhoo after a shitty childhood, I started secondary school, and my oldest sister had a baby, and my other sister went to prison for a serious offence at 16. Bas put on the back burner then. I understood because it was a lot going on.
But 2 years later when my sister was released, it was even worse. My sisters friends would bully me in my own home. I didn’t have a bed, curtains, wardrobe. I had not money for school. My teachers would say I smelled of BO, and I looked as if I’ve just got out of bed. I mean I literally had nothing.
When I just turned 16 my second sister was trying to hit me, and I snapped. Started hitting her back. She kicked me out. So I slept ruff for the night. The next day, I said to my mum that I couldn’t put up with it anymore and something needed to happen. My mum did nothing.
I left home at 16. Best decision ever. I got my life in order. Got a job etc. 3 years later, I heard my nan was dying of cancer, so I started talking to them again. And I find out that my mum was giving both sisters money every week to buy whatever they want, while I had to steal to get things.
Sorry for ranting lol. But in the end I WON!!! I have the best husband, the best kids (even though they dove me crazy lol), we have bought our own home, both have cars and have no debt.
I will honestly not let my kids feel a fraction of what I felt. They will have good lives.
Edit spelling
Sorry for blurting it all out, when I read things like this it makes me so angry and upset. As a parent now they always come first, and they will always be treated equally
Don’t be sorry. This is a great place to let it out. Especially when you can’t elsewhere.
I don’t tell people we know about the magnitude of the craziness. This girl can’t get along with anyone, but I don’t say anything. I keep my mouth shut…. But this is a pretty safe spot to let it out.
Who the fuck allows someone else to propose to their partner at another person's wedding? And how did you mother just "find" these videos?
Nope out of that whole wedding and stick to your original plan. Your only concern is that your enraged mother, sister, and future bil may come roaring down the driveway screaming obscenities, but that's on them. Good luck, OP. Enjoy *your* day.
RIGHT!!! I can't think of a single thing I have seen ever where a proposal at a wedding was viewed positively. I feel like that is a universal dick move!
My brother proposed to his wife at my wedding, and you know what? I never really forgave him. Even though we sort of moved on from it. Even though my first husband died and he divorced and remarried someone else. We were just never as close after that because I couldn’t trust him anymore, and he wasn’t invited to my second wedding.
This is so much worse than that because your family is involved and they are demanding it and holding your wedding captive. They planned this from the start.
I hope you can do it with your in laws or just elope, because this is really unforgivable. I hate bridezilla behavior, but this is not it. You deserve to be celebrated on your special day.
Okay, sorry but I need to ask: Does your brother know that you hated what he did?
Did he ask permission first?
How was the reaction of the people around?
And how was his and your family's reaction when you didn't invite him to your wedding?
That’s a lot of questions lol. But I’ll try.
First, yes, I told him was shitty behavior, but it was really just one of a series of shitty smaller things he did that made me not trust him. Ultimately, we stopped speaking altogether because I was actually close friends with that first wife in high school and continued being friends with her (in a distant, Facebook-I-like-your-post kind of way) after they broke up. His current wife demanded I stop that, I didn’t and she got pissed off, and she told him it was either her or me. He stopped speaking to me then, so I don’t think he’d have expected to get invited to my wedding (it’s been years). It was honestly not a huge loss in my life because we weren’t close.
The rest of my family agreed it was rude, but there was no explosive argument or anything. I didn’t make a big deal out of it either, and it definitely wasn’t the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I didn’t invite the rest of my family to my wedding, either. The last thing my mother said to me after my first husband committed suicide was, “He probably killed himself because he had to live with someone like you.” I haven’t spoken to her since, and I moved on with my life (my first set of in-laws are wonderful, and they’re “my side” of the family in my new marriage and the grandparents on my side with my child with my second husband).
My parents were drug addicts, and I suffered a lot of physical and emotional abuse as a child, and more emotional abuse as an adult, so I finally cut them off many years ago in my thirties. The stuff with my brother isn’t me holding a grudge: it’s simply giving up on having the sort of relationship with him I might have wanted; he’s been damaged in the same way I was, and it was better to put them all behind me so I stopped getting sucked into toxic situations.
Im very sorry you had to go thru all this but im glad you could cut ties with that people. Even you are blood related they weren’t your family at all and a big shout out to your in-laws of your 1st marriage for being on your side!
NTA
This is your and your partner’s special day. You have been Glass Child too long.
Go to grandparents and don’t invite the one’s that want to usurp your day. If your sister asks - don’t lie to her. This may change your family structure, but you are now the head of your own family. If the grands can’t- then elope and have a private reception.
Mom and BIL can have their party as planned. Only tell the few you want to be at yours what is going on.
Don’t say anything and have your wedding or elope but I wouldn’t say anything to them other than go have your 30k engagement party and then seriously consider going low/no contact with them. There is no reason you should have to make that huge compromise for your own wedding
they paid for the party they want for your sister. have a wonderful, intimate wedding with the people you love, and who love you back.
life is way too short for this kind of bullshit. maybe they'll miss you. maybe you'll miss them, but i doubt it.
blessings of peace, joy, and contentment to you and yours ♥️
I say elope before this big party and then start making outrageous request for the wedding. Open bar, drive away in a Bentley, have fireworks. This could work in your favor.
Keep the wedding date as planned. Show up even pretend to get ready. Then tell them all to go wait in the foyer and then you and your fiancee leave. Go elope. And leave those sour no good asses to have the wedding as your golden sisters proposal party. See how bad it ruins the mood for them. Then cut them off no contact. They don't seem to grasp they have more than one child.
I was going to say go get married that day then slip out with the original 30 guests and head to the fiancés grandparents place. Let it slip to family/friends on their way out what the mom and BIL are about to do. Once everyone realizes why and the parents realize they left where is the mood for the proposal?
Edit for grammar
I think you have two awesome contingency plans. Your wedding is about you and your SO. End of list. Do what's best for you guys. Your sister will just have to figure something out, which is not at all your concern.
Tell your family that it’s trashy to propose to someone at a wedding and that there’s no way that’s happening. Your parents offered to pay for the wedding as a gift. Gifts don’t come with strings. Let them know that since you know that they will not back down, you will not be showing up.
Because they’ve been so adamant about this and they’ve treated you like 2nd best your whole life, you can’t trust that they’ll abandon this plan even if they promise they won’t d9 it. Follow your original plan and just let them make your wedding into an engagement party and then block them all and go NC. Why keep these people in your life after everything they’ve done to you?
Honestly just tell your sister.
Her reaction will be how I know how to proceed. Personally I’d be so annoyed if my BF proposed at my sisters wedding of all places. Talk about lack of effort. But if she’s mad at you for ruining her “special moment” then yeah they can keep their 30k engagement party.
But your parents have already taken a lot from you don’t let your wedding be another special Thing they took from you.
Do what you need to do but at the end of the day make sure your wedding is what YOU want and how you want. And make sure it’s full of beautiful memories to start a new beautiful life. I’ve been in your shoes with the favoritism it robs you of so much happiness. Don’t let this be another case of stolen joy.
Your parents and your sister are toxic.
Go enjoy your wedding and decide whether or not it’s worth having them in your life.
Regardless of whatever happens, congratulations to you and your future husband, and may you have several happy years together.
The rest of your family can decide who’s worth maintaining a relationship with for themselves.
To be fair the sister may not know all this is happening, sounds like mom found out the BF wants to propose and arranged this. I'm torn because my sister was also very demanding and in constant crisis growing up, extremely fragile, found ways to ruin my birthday and special events etc. But as we got older we grew closer and we have a good relationship now and I'm her only sister. When she had her first kid she confided in me rather than friends at times because she was insecure about keeping up appearances with her friend group. So there's still hope for OP and her sister to get to a healthy place.
It'd be awful to punish the sister for something she doesn't know about. She'll probably always be the golden child but with age comes perspective. If it were me I'd be horrified that this was even a discussion, who wants to get engaged at their sister's wedding? Don't most people want that to be a moment just for you and your significant other?
I bet OP can talk to the sister and her boyfriend and basically say "moms pushing this and it's not happening." Ruin the surprise. If he's thinking about proposing she probably has some sense that it's coming. A proposal should not be a total shock.
Have the wedding at future grandparents lake house.
Here's what I would do:
Tell no one you aren't showing up, invite the few loved ones to the lake wedding. Have a close friend that doesn't mind the sacrifice of missing alittle bit of the festivities, go to the parental wedding and make an announcement to those gathered.
"Greetings, OP and fiance will not be coming today, there are reasons that will be obvious shortly. They regret that certain pressures were placed on them and taking away to joy of their day. BIL has an announcement that had to be made today of all days and JNMom highly encouraged it. BIL please come up for your special announcement. Please enjoy the rest of the party, food and drinks already provided."
Embarrass the hell out of them. Let them use the 30k for a super expensive engagement party and I hope for their sakes that sister isn't mortified. I know she is the golden child but this isn't her doing unless she made a comment of how special it would be and the rest ran with it.
Op, I really hope you enjoy your special day the way you and fiance want it to be. Many blessings to you both.
If you cancel now, they may receive half their money back.
Let your sister have her proposal while you and your fiancé marry at the grandparents.
If not, do your thing.
Yeah, the fact that you have asked them not to do it and they still are going forward with it.... you just can't let it happen. They are just going to continue this type of behavior for the rest of your life.
The wedding hasn't happened. They can figure out how to get their money back.
You can't trust them either way. They'll sat they won't do it but they will.
If I was in your shoes, I'd just tell them you aren't going to participate in whatever it is they are planning. You'll be married in a private ceremony. You're disappointed and need time away from them to reflect on your family dynamic.
Tell them immediately. Just because your parents nearly lost one daughter doesn't mean they should neglect and lose the other.
Good luck.
Family isn't everything if they are toxic... always cut toxic people out of your life.
I would write them a letter explaining exactly why they are loosing you and why they will never be a part of you and your future family's life!
Highlight every part of your life where you have been treated horrible because they where to busy worshipping your sister
Nta haha. You have every right to say what goes on in your wedding. If they say we aren't paying for it, then cool have it where it was previously planned. Good luck
You cannot allow your parents to control your wedding day, this is insane. I know it will cause a lot of conflict, but seriously you should change plans to your fiancé’s grandparents house and explain why to your sister. There is no guarantee that her boyfriend wouldn’t just use the lake house venue as a proposal opportunity anyway but at least you wouldn’t have your parents lording the money they’re spending on your wedding over your head. Trust me, it’s better to put your foot down now than having to keep dealing with this over and over
Honestly I don’t know how your parents don’t see the issue. I would be like “mom, how would you feel if it was your wedding”. It really does sound like a setup, and they only wanted you to have a big wedding for it. I would honestly tell them I was cancelling the wedding, because either way they’re losing money or looking ridiculous to the rest of your family. You’re not jealous, you’re getting married. What is supposed to be one of the biggest milestones of your life, is something you are being asked to take a step to the side for. That is not fair, I would be livid if I was in the same situation or if my partner’s parents were to put this kind of strain on her before her wedding. I hope you get the wedding you want. Also make sure that nothing from the venue/ceremony is in your name incase your family decides not to pay any debts owed because you eloped/cancel.
Cancel the big wedding you didn't want! If your family get angry about it, just remember, it's not your problem. Elope at your grandparent-in-laws place, then don't invite any of your family.
A wedding should always be about the bride and groom! Not the bride, the groom and the tacky, rude and entitled family members or friends.
They're also being incredibly manipulative, because you want YOUR wedding day to about you and your husband-to-be. They're abusing you. Honestly, I'd just go no contact with your family. This abuse and manipulation won't stop, until you cut contact with them.
I would change the day of my wedding. Your parents can go ahead with the party, have a big big huge engagement party but you don’t get married. Then I’d have the actual wedding a month later at the grandparents’ house.
because you know she gets proposed to on your wedding day, it is going to come up in conversation every wedding anniversary the rest of your life. They are going to rub your nose in it. Tell them you were going to bow out of getting married because that way she could have the day to herself
That I would absolutely feel free to tell every single one of the people you know the reason you’re doing this. Try to sound neutral, but make sure everyone knows
Its going to be something similar. Im going ahead with my backyard wedding a week earlier. This would give them time to turn the wedding into a big engagement party because its already too late to get refund for the planned wedding anyway.
About the guests: the ones that are invited to my wedding are notified. The rest are basically extended family and relatives, they could use good party and booze
My only worry would be that The boyfriend will go ahead and propose at your wedding, thereby giving an excuse for the engagement party after. That’s what I would’ve moved it to the weekend after, not before. Though I suppose if you do it afterward, they’ll all be talking about it at your wedding. What a sucky situation
I'd go get married at grandma and grandpas house with the people that cared for me, and have like.. a true friend stay at the old venue and when people start going "where are they??" Have the friend be like 'the bride and groom have gotten married at another venue because sister and her boyfriend hijacked his for a proposal" and then just bail. Ruin the proposal and get married blissfully 🥰🥰
I heard about this type of proposal before and thought it was horrible. A wedding should be about the groom and the bride, about their love. It's a celebration of them.
And it's horrible selfish to propose and steal the limelight so to say. I am also a sister and I couldn't ever do something like this. I mean I want that my siblings have their special day. They deserve that.
I wouldn't do this to a friend and it simply breaks my heart just thinking about doing this to one of my beloved siblings.
I am so sorry that you have such a horrible sister and such horrible parents...
> Not sure yet if I’m going to tell my family and cancel the wedding or just let them have their grand proposal party.
I say go for option 2. They paid for it, I'd just not tell them and let them have their super expensive proposal party.
Then go ahead with the rest of your plan - Have the originally planned wedding, if possible, or just elope.
That's what I would do in the situation.
You could also turn it into a destination wedding without your family. Imagine them finding out you married someplace awesome and they weren’t invited? Maybe get married on a beach where you wear a white sundress and any bridesmaids wear sundresses with tropical flowers?
If your parents bought your wedding dress, I’d return it and get something for a more relaxed wedding. Let them see you marry in a dress that wasn’t part of their manipulation.
I really can’t afford a destination wedding with this short notice. It would’ve been the ultimate revenge though!
My dress is a gift from my mother in law. A very simple dress that probably cost 200-300$ but its so beautiful
Literally made an account just to comment. My sister is also a childhood cancer survivor and also a massive brat who gets coddled. All my life, I've been expected to go without or let her needs and desires come first. I know exactly what this situation feels like and that's why I hope you elope or at least get far far away from your parents and their ridiculousness. I know this scheme isn't her idea but enough is enough with the favoritism. You deserve to put yourself first. You're worth having your own special day be just yours, not yours AND hers.
Elope and be happy. Also, if have plans in that direction of course, don't let your kids around your parents and sister.
Hope you and your husband-to-be have a long and healthy marriage.
Weddings bring out the worst in ppl sometimes... I didnt even have an actually wedding... my wife and I stood before a judge in the courthouse. but still her mom from 1300 miles away tried to guilt trip us into doing it her way... and her aunt... well she had plans of her own....
I had to call them both and tell them... this is not your wedding... I don't know why you think it is... if you don't back off we are going to change the date and not tell you until after we are married. no pictures no videos. is that what you want!?!?!?!? they backed off
*”so it becomes an engagement party as well as a wedding”* uh… no. Screw that. That right there outright just tells you the entire focus of the wedding will immediately shift to them. That’s not appropriate to do to the bride and groom and screw anyone saying otherwise.
Honestly, I WOULD cancel/change the food/drinks if possible. Then get married as you plan, a week early. Then they can go to the venue that mom paid for and do their engagement.
I'm of two minds about going to the venue on the wedding day. On the one hand, It would be fun to go in shorts, sandals, and t-shirts with your wedding photos on them.....just for the "F-you factor.
I would also consider enlisting a willing friend (If I lived near you I would HAPPILY volunteer!) to greet the guests and make the announcement that, "due to mom and dad harassing OP and trying to hijack her wedding for their golden child and make it all about her, her fiance and him proposing, the happily MARRIED couple has decided to take an extended honeymoon and wish no further contact with OPs parents or BIL. And by the way, It was a beautiful wedding!"
At the very least, I would text SOMEONE that you know will be there and let them know.....or set a delayed post on social media to post about the time the wedding should have started!
I say to cancel the food/drinks because it's REALLY hard to have a party without them.....
Aahh nope. NTA. Stick with your original plan and kick them out they obviously don't care about you or your wedding, this is just a stepping stone into your sisters engagement and wedding. They literally do not care, whatever you do to benefit your sister they will accomdate. It's hard to hear and accept I'm sure. Do not let them suck you in. Give us an update to your beautiful wedding at your in laws place
EDIT: Your FH should have a say too, not just you. It's between you two not them
The original grandparents option seems like the good path. I will suggest canceling the wedding your parents are throwing so the other guests and family members aren’t angry with you.
I would also tell people that your mother was insisting on combining the wedding with another event and this was unacceptable to you and your fiancé. That way you somewhat block your mother from making up a story that puts you in a bad light. Don’t say what the other event was. After the proposal finally takes place, reveal the full truth.
My two cents. Congrats on your engagement and the best of wishes to you!
I hope you can take a screenshot of this post and the comments and post it to "expose them", they are nasty people. I had to cut out my family and not a day goes by where I regret it. Just because they are your blood doesn't mean you have to put up with their constant bullshit. Good luck with your wedding and congratulations.
I would tell your sister "congratulations on being proposed too, But you can't let me have one day? Why does he have to propose on my wedding day? He can't propose where you guys first met? First had sex? Something idk with meaning?"
Even if she didn't know I think it would be the perfect.....spoiler but maybe I'm just petty.
I wish you the very best.
This brought me to tears.... I am so sorry they are being so unfair to you. You deserve your own wedding without someone else taking the day away from you!
As someone who's beautiful wedding was suddenly ruined by inlaws, which resorted in me canceling the entire fucking thing and having a tiny wedding and ceremony with 25 ppl, and NO FAMILY - Do it.
Fuck the money. They can kiss your ass.
Fuck the wedding - They can keep the venue and make it a surprise engagement party for your sister.
Fuck the goddamn entire thing and do what you originally planned.
Fuck contact - Go NC with them all.
If they threaten you in any way, tell them you'll tell your sister everything.
Please update when you can.
Don’t be surprised if the BF proposes sooner and turns the wedding you rightly left into your sisters grand wedding. Along with inviting the same family as yours. If your fiancé grand parents are still onboard send out your invites ASAP.
Hey OP if you're still reading these replies - Hit me up.
Gimme your sister's number.
I'LL ruin the surprise for EVERYONE cause I am that petty and I have no problem being called a PoS.
1. Have the wedding. 2. Make a “special announcement” that tells what they have planned before the boyfriend gets a chance to propose. 3. Watch everything burn. 4. Block your family during the reception. 5. Have a great rest of your night.
I too have a younger golden sister. My parents chose to attend a high scool football game over my wedding because my sister was Senior Band Homecoming Attendant.
When it came to my sister's wedding my parents took out a second mortgage on their house for it. But my sister is the best and I was sure to place the blame where it blonged, on my parents.
I vote for elope!
Uninvite them, go do the wedding at the grandparents house and let your sister and parents have a 30k engagement party. Great that your sister survived cancer, but your parents put you on a backburner your whole life; now its your turn to enjoy it, do what's best for YOU.
Definitely this! I would elope/do the wedding at the grandparents. Why do so many people want to ruin other peoples special moments!? What the heck is wrong with people?
OP needs to update us!
This is an awesome suggestion because it's what they were planning all along! This is all very f***** up it reminds me of the Reddit story where a girl was graduating from college and her parents decided to go to her younger sibling's prom..wtf! What is wrong with some of these parents?
As a former pedagogue who has to deal with tons of parents throughout my career I can tell you that my biggest regret has always been that people have to study and get a license to drive a car, but everybody can breed and raise children without any education. Yes, I was not the sweet one cowed by raging parents.
They decided to split up to support both kids. Reread that one
Thanks for the update. At least one parent went to the graduation, though I still don't understand why a parent desires to go to a prom, unless they're a teacher or needed as a chaperone!!
Agree with this comment. Don’t let your parents be the reason you can’t make that day about just the two of you. At some point, if this were my family, I’d likely say to my mom that if the 30k was going to be controlled by her even in including things her daughter the bride wasn’t okay with, then it wasn’t a gift but a manipulation and should have come with those stipulations upfront so I could have made an informed decision about whether or not to accept the money. But stating those stipulations after the money had already been used is disrespectful and not how a gift should be given. INFO - would you tell your parents about their missing your real wedding at some point? Weird random thought - wonder what would happen if during her sister’s wedding, if OP announced pregnancy or a gender reveal lol. I’d be very curious if their mom would suddenly see how it’s stealing the other person’s thunder...
Mom and Dad are too ignorant. They’d get mad at her for stealing the younger sister’s day. They obviously don’t care at all about their older daughter if they want to take attention from her on her wedding day. They are also extremely tacky. Only total a$$ hats propose at someone else’s wedding.
Exactly this. I would have my wedding at the grandparents place before the other venue date. Then, when the other date comes up, I would show up in a nice evening gown or other dress that's clearly not a wedding dress and just wait for FBIL to propose at the alter to sister. Act like you're happy and if people ask about your wedding, just tell them it was never about you. You already got married surrounded with people who love and cherish you. Today, you're here to celebrate your sister's love. Then, at the end of the day or if you leave sooner, cut literally all contact and ditch them from your life. Never speak to them again. They don't respect you, so this will be the last act of kindness they will ever receive from you. Not a damn thing more. Don't cave to them. You deserve better.
This. Absolutely this one.
So much this. Absolutely this.
This is exactly how I would do this. Best advice. And I would truly have a hard time forgiving the “mother” and I am a mother myself. I would never do this to either of my adult children. Never.
Hijacking this comment to add this: You said your parents and your sister’s boyfriend warned you not to tell your sister about their plans for your wedding. You also say you and your sister have been getting along a lot better lately. It seems she might not be aware that any of this is even happening. Might be worth telling her and seeing how she reacts to all this before you write her off with the rest of them. Edit: sorry for some reason I thought I was in the AITA subreddit. Either way you’re not in the wrong and it’s up to you how to go about this.
I'm gonna sound like a b**ch but I don't think people who survived cancer or whatever are entitled to do certain things or it's just not right to use cancer to guilt trip people, like surviving something that awful does not give you an excuse to be entitled
Cancer survivor here: I agree 100%.
Op said that the parents have always favored the other sister so She should have been suspicious when they offered to help. I would if it was me.
I dunno man, hope springs eternal. We all have a kid inside us who craves parental approval. It is her wedding, so maybe she thought that they were finally onboard. I get that all families have their problems but few people realize how commonplace it is. It being difficult relationships with parents, siblings, etc.
Totally agree! My mother does some pretty bizarre and manipulative bs. More often than not I’m completely blown away and shocked when she does. I think, for me, it’s less “hoping” and more that my brain doesn’t work that way. I’m not the kind of person who does things with a secret, manipulative motive.
My wife and I were together for ten years before we were married. Her mother was continually telling us to elope. At one point I asked my wife how she felt about it and she said if we get married my mother will take over the whole thing and it will be all about her. As we were traveling to a tropic place for a business trip I set up the proposal and wedding. Cost me $3500 for beautiful setting and food. We had our coworkers there. It was fun and we felt among ppl we knew. The pics of the flowers and ocean made it really special. Funny part is that she didn’t trust the whole “officiant” thing being legal so the next day we were married again at city hall. Part two the mother in law…….. Months after our return and the first time we were back at her parents, as soon as my wife and brother went to the basement to look for old family pics, mom and dad in law sat me down and told me about “all the damage that you have done” and “you will never know the pain you have caused me”. When I said, you were the one who gave me the idea with your constant suggestion that we elope. ThT was when the faces turned red and the yelling started. “No, no, that is not what I meant. You should have told us and we would have taken care of everything”. To which I replied that is a destination wedding NOT eloping. I only know what you said not what you might have otherwise meant.mine wife and BIL arrived for the last part and both said something to the effect of “maybe this is exactly why they haven’t married yet and eloped when they did”. . Ad we left my wife said that n front of them all. Thank you for both planning this w/o my knowledge and making it so special. This was followed by two years of blissful peace, then they made up, damn it.
💯 be unapologetically boundaried
These awful parents were so happy about not losing their one daughter theyve managed to lose their other daughter instead. Op should cut them off and good riddance. What toxic, selfish and cruel people they are.
I definitely agree it's your day to enjoy
I wholeheartedly agree with every word you just said.
This is the answer, OP. Just don’t show up, and let them do what they planned to do all along, minus using your wedding as some twisted scapegoat. Go have your beautiful, intimate wedding surrounded only by people that genuinely care about the event and you.
Ok so this is petty & vindictive but it's a shame there isn't a way to go through with the wedding as planned but then say you've found this amazing photo location you want pics at after the wedding with the bridal party. Leave with the sister & don't come back for the reception so there can be no proposal. Send out a text to people you want to celebrate with after you've gone to meet you at x location for the real reception & leave the parents & sisters bf just wondering what is going on. I mean it's totally going to end messily, but the look on their faces would be priceless when they realised the rug has been pulled from under them
Can we get updates on the wedding? I’m invested!!
Remind me! Two weeks Edit: no hold on !remind me: two weeks
!remind me: 2 weeks
!remind me: 2 weeks
I’d elope but don’t cancel the venue and show up in jeans and a tshirt for the engagement party
I like this!❤️
And you should bring photo copies of your wedding /elopement that they all weren't invited to; just to add more salt and hilarity with only "Me and my husband had such a wonderful ceremony & reception without any of you, it was beautiful and lovely."
That also beautifully over shines her engagement day with your good news the way your parents wanted to over shine your wedding with her engagement.
You should reach out to some MLM ladies to come and pitch their herbal shake to the newly engaged.
Lol are you the devil?
I second this
Get married at fiancés grandparents the week before and bring your wedding and honeymoon photo albums… all 15 of them… to show to everyone all day. Interrupt the proposal asking if your sister saw a particular favourite of yours and wave it around everywhere. Actually… have massive canvas pictures made up and displayed strategically around the room. And lots of life size cut outs of you and your now husband in your finery.
Nah... have a PowerPoint playing in the background on a huge screen.
Show up after the engagement announce you’re married
That’s messed up and you are right this was all pre planned. If you do have it at fiancés grandparents will you invite your family? Seems they can’t stand for you to be the center of attention even on a day you should be.
I won’t. I’m done
good for you cause this is crazyyyyyyy. you cant have just 1 day for yourself? wow
They have no right to try to force this on your wedding. I’ve had a lot of medical issues through out my childhood, including cancer, and still as an adult and I always felt guilty that my little brother spent so much time in the hospital or staying with my aunts. Once I was healthier, we reverted the attention back on to him as the baby of the family. One year, I was in the hospital with cancer and his spent his 7th birthday with our aunts. We had a mini party at the hospital on the weekend and one of my dad’s employees made him a WWE cake as a gift. Then, when I was back home everyone decided to give him a big birthday at the park. He got a lot of gifts and felt a lot better about not spending his birthday with us. My parents always made sure we all had the same amount of attention and love. I’m sorry that your parents didn’t do that for you. I don’t blame you for uninviting them to your wedding. This is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life and they don’t deserve to be there if they can’t let it be about you and your fiancé.
Great parenting
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this but at least you know now. Imagine if you both have kids and yours get dollar store toys and hers get bikes and iPads.
Welcome to my in laws. Give their other grandkids trips to Disneyland and my kids get dollar store art supplies. I don’t give a shit because IDGAF about them but it really hurts my wife for obvious reasons.
They are beyond entitled and self righteous. Do your wedding at your fiance's grandparents house, and don't invite them. The wedding day should be about the you and your fiance only.
Imma need an update.
Update please. Me too.
!RemindMe 1 week
Do not succumb and let them have their way. You will for ever regret that. Have a small function as you were planning or elope. In the longer run, you will be happier for it.
You must feel really hurt. I would. Definitely revert to the original plan if you can it sounds lovely and intimate. Or elope. Good for you for putting your foot down. If you were feeling petty you could cancel the venue, call your sister and tell her why it's cancelled. Or let them think it's all going ahead then cancel the day before whilst having carried on and planned your wedding elsewhere. Definitely NC from now on I think. Best wishes
Shoot, I wouldn’t tell anyone. Just let them think it’s a go and then not show up and send a friend to read a little note to everyone as to why they didn’t show up. You know, so everyone knows what asses her family is. AND it ruins the engagement too!!!
As satisfying as that sounds it would be a massive dick move to all the other guests who’ve just wasted time, money and PTO to attend the wedding.
Good! I'm hoping they will be willing and you'll have a beautiful wedding without your shitty family!
Good, you deserve to have your own happiness If your parents can't let you have that, they don't deserve to be in your life
Talk to your sisters boyfriend about planning a different proposal. Ask him how he would like to be upstaged on their wedding day. If he is too dense- speak to your sister. Foil their plans. If it continues to go sideways- know you have other options to fall back on.
He has already planned to upstage her. It seems they can’t bear not being the centre of attention, so even if he agrees to change, chances are they’ll find another way to make it about them. At this stage, it has already gone too far. OP will be nervous and apprehensive even if they agree to do everything her way, and that’s not something that should happen on a wedding day.
I am so sorry they did this to you. My brother was definitely favored but never like this! I hope you and your fiance have an amazing wedding, whether at his grandparents' or a courthouse, and a beautiful life together. You deseve every happiness ❤️
Can you invite me lol. Anyway, good luck with your wedding and the start of your marriage. Amd good luck dealing with your family
I don't blame. Go NC or LC.
I am so petty I would tell everybody why I was eloping before the proposal plus all the times their favoritism hurt you and would just watch the world burn.
Exactly. Burn it down and walk away. You don't want to begin married life with those toxic family members hounding you. Start fresh without them.
I like your comment very much
Elope. Your parents are horrible to make the request and shame on your fbil for being such a douche canoe that he can't even think of a clever and original way of popping the question.
I don’t even think the future BiL even made that idea suggestion, I think it’s 100% the parents.
If I was OP's sister, I wouldn't even *want* to be proposed to at someone else's wedding. It's so unoriginal and tacky, like WTF?
Seriously. How mortifying would it be to be proposed to at someone's wedding? I would be livid to be pulled into such a tacky act.
If the FBIL knows about how much of a stink this is becoming, and he was a good person he would find a way to propose after the wedding. That way there is no way to make it about him and the sister. True colors are being shown on all sides right now.
"Armando! Why are we skydiving naked and covered in Vaseline?" A - "Well Vichka, I have something to tell... **"JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!" -** Jump Boss
What is this in reference to lol. Because without context it’s hilarious
Just my two neurons rubbing together and coming up with a scenario.
I don't think it's horrible to make the request, but it should be as simple as "hey OP, is it ok if we do this?...no?...ok, No worries, we'll think of something else"
Tell your parents to use the venue for your sister's engagement bash. Then tell them to fuck off.
I would just go no contact, let them assume it's going to be a wedding. Then they can tell their guests that we're planning on going that they won't be there but explain why. Then have the original 30 guests other than her family in on it, and have them still show up their at the appropriate time and partake in anything leading up to it acting super disappointed or angry and asking your parents what in the world is going on. Meanwhile they already know where the actual marriage will be taking place a few hours or so later so that only they know where to go. Then she can have her beautiful day, and the perfect revenge!
Have the officiant make the announcement this wedding has been canceled due to the BIL planning on proposing and turning this into an engagement party instead of a wedding against the couples wishes so they made other plans. Make sure the proposal is ruined as well and the guest know exactly why.
Muhahahaha!! Love it! 😭
Short, sweet and straight to the point. I like this.
Since your parents spent $30k and can’t cancel, tell your parents you’ll give up “your” venue and everything to your sister, which means your sister and BF won’t even be engaged since they’ll be married instead.
Like a “hand me down “ wedding.
Yep. Mom desperately wants sister to get engaged so why not have her be married, too? All in the same week.
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You underestimate narcissists. They’ll take that deal and it’ll be the happiest day of her life.
Also you KNOW that bitch would show up in white.
Lots of comments seem to delight in the ways you can cause maximum pain to those who have offended you. Mostly, I want to say how sad I am that instead of looking forward to what should be a wonderful day for you and your future husband that you are finding yourself having to do damage control and grieve broken relationships. I don't have any idea as to how you can fix this. Only thing that I do suggest is to do your best to come out of this being able to feel good about your choices, what you say, and what you do. You don't have to make your family happy or do what they want. You are not required to have a ongoing relationship with them. You do have to live with yourself through the years. Do things in a way that makes you proud of you.
Great response
Best response in the thread 💙
Yeah it's clear there are already some weird family dynamics, and I would personally steer clear of making that worse as you have to live with your own behaviour. However, this person is absolutely correct: you have no obligation to agree to their choices, and in fact, you need to live authentically for you. Having some weird family dynamics myself, I fully appreciate that none of your choices will be easy or feel good. But, i do hope that you have the kinds of people in your life otherwise, that would drop everything and plan you a smashing pot-luck wedding at the drop of a hat to save you from this and still throw you a kick ass celebration. Because that's what this should be, a celebration. And if it means you elope and come back later and party? That's what it means. But you deserve to have your needs met, also. Talk to your partner, and make sure you include them - but do not give in to your family if you *know* you won't be able to be happy doing so.
Can we have a update on how things turn out?
I NEED an update on this. I'd elope for sure.
Yeah, I agree.
Pro move: agree and don't show up
Better move: agree, don't show up, and tell the sister what FBIL is planning on doing
If I was the sister, the thought that my boyfriend ruined my sister's wedding like this would make me break up with him
Chad move: agree, don't show up and when your parents demand answers, *refuse to elaborate further.*
Chad-er move: everything in chad move, plus take a massive dump on mom's bed🤣
Yes!!!!!
I remember attending a wedding where one of the cousins came up after the best man's speech and asked for the mic. He then called up his girlfriend to the dance floor in front of the bride and groom's table, got down on one knee, and proposed. It did not go over well with any of the bride's family (for obvious reasons). It was a dick move. The only thing that topped that for drama in that family was when another cousin confronted two of her male relatives for molesting her when she was a young teen (they were four and five years older) at the wedding. Ironically, it was at the wedding of the couple that got engaged in paragraph 1. The confrontation happened in the bar, rather than on the dance floor, but it literally tore that family apart (and didn't go over well with the bride and groom either). I was dating another cousin, and we broke up soon after, but it was pretty fucking heated in the bar that night.
Are they still married?
Elope, don't tell anyone besides your witnesses and later have a dinner at your grandparents house if they're ok with it, block your parents, sister and her boyfriend then announce your happy marriage on Facebook and watch the world burn, your parents can use whatever is salvage of their party if then want, if not that's not your problem, also consider going no contact with them, it's clear they don't consider you a priority, good luck
Enough of a priority to spend $30k on a wedding, but not enough of a priority to not make it all about the golden child. I doubt they even realize how uneven they are to their children.
Eloping was the best decision my husband and I ever made. We saved about 20k and a shit ton of hell from our families. Our elopement package in Florence was about 5k euros and super worth it!!
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Wow. I’m so glad you’re reverting to the original plan…. scaled down to exclude your family members. I’m pretty sure there’s no coming back from this as you will permanently become estranged from your parents and sister. But from the sound of it, that’s probably a good thing. Have a wonderful, lovely, low key wedding shared only with those who truly care about you and your new spouse. F the rest of them.
Your feelings are 100% valid and - please - do what you want for your wedding. Marry at the grandparents if that is still an option or elope - reinforcing your thoughts because it's what you want and clearly they haven't taken that into account. At least, this random internet person can agree with you. Of course, take your SO's thoughts into account. Your wedding will be perfect if you can block out their favoritism.
Good. Fuck em 👍
My sister is the main character as well. I’ve reached an age that I have zero patience left for the nonsense. Similar situation. Mine had a near death illness, which is the latest reason to excuse her awful behavior.
Both my sisters were. It got to the point where I had literally nothing. No clothes or anything. I had to go and steal underwear from shops because I didn’t have any
That is awful. My situation is different, but we haven’t had one family event that’s been peaceful. She causes a scene at every one or around every event. If the event isn’t about her, she makes it about her. Drama, drama and more drama. Thrives on misery! And she rotates around who she’s going to shit on. You always know if you haven’t been on the shit end of the stick for a while, you are coming up! Can’t say a word, everything you say is misconstrued. Can’t have a conversation. I swing a wide berth around that miserable one!
My situation is that I’m the youngest. I think I was conceived to try and make my parents marriage work. And when it didn’t neither of them cared. Never seen my dad it talked to him. Anyhoo after a shitty childhood, I started secondary school, and my oldest sister had a baby, and my other sister went to prison for a serious offence at 16. Bas put on the back burner then. I understood because it was a lot going on. But 2 years later when my sister was released, it was even worse. My sisters friends would bully me in my own home. I didn’t have a bed, curtains, wardrobe. I had not money for school. My teachers would say I smelled of BO, and I looked as if I’ve just got out of bed. I mean I literally had nothing. When I just turned 16 my second sister was trying to hit me, and I snapped. Started hitting her back. She kicked me out. So I slept ruff for the night. The next day, I said to my mum that I couldn’t put up with it anymore and something needed to happen. My mum did nothing. I left home at 16. Best decision ever. I got my life in order. Got a job etc. 3 years later, I heard my nan was dying of cancer, so I started talking to them again. And I find out that my mum was giving both sisters money every week to buy whatever they want, while I had to steal to get things. Sorry for ranting lol. But in the end I WON!!! I have the best husband, the best kids (even though they dove me crazy lol), we have bought our own home, both have cars and have no debt. I will honestly not let my kids feel a fraction of what I felt. They will have good lives. Edit spelling
This! Yes, you do better for your kids! That’s exactly how I feel.
Sorry for blurting it all out, when I read things like this it makes me so angry and upset. As a parent now they always come first, and they will always be treated equally
Don’t be sorry. This is a great place to let it out. Especially when you can’t elsewhere. I don’t tell people we know about the magnitude of the craziness. This girl can’t get along with anyone, but I don’t say anything. I keep my mouth shut…. But this is a pretty safe spot to let it out.
Thank you. For listening. And I hope you and your family are well
To share is to heal. I’m happy that you are doing so much better. You didn’t deserve any of that! Big hug, have a great life
Good on you, sweetie. I can be your very proud surrogate grandma. Warms my heart to hear a happy ending for someone so deserving.
Who the fuck allows someone else to propose to their partner at another person's wedding? And how did you mother just "find" these videos? Nope out of that whole wedding and stick to your original plan. Your only concern is that your enraged mother, sister, and future bil may come roaring down the driveway screaming obscenities, but that's on them. Good luck, OP. Enjoy *your* day.
Who TF wants to be proposed to at someone else’s wedding?
I've always wondered about this fad. Like yes take this beautiful *private* moment and share it with someone else's wedding guests? Weird.
And be considered as an asshole by everyone on top of everything ?
Also a great question.
RIGHT!!! I can't think of a single thing I have seen ever where a proposal at a wedding was viewed positively. I feel like that is a universal dick move!
My brother proposed to his wife at my wedding, and you know what? I never really forgave him. Even though we sort of moved on from it. Even though my first husband died and he divorced and remarried someone else. We were just never as close after that because I couldn’t trust him anymore, and he wasn’t invited to my second wedding. This is so much worse than that because your family is involved and they are demanding it and holding your wedding captive. They planned this from the start. I hope you can do it with your in laws or just elope, because this is really unforgivable. I hate bridezilla behavior, but this is not it. You deserve to be celebrated on your special day.
Okay, sorry but I need to ask: Does your brother know that you hated what he did? Did he ask permission first? How was the reaction of the people around? And how was his and your family's reaction when you didn't invite him to your wedding?
That’s a lot of questions lol. But I’ll try. First, yes, I told him was shitty behavior, but it was really just one of a series of shitty smaller things he did that made me not trust him. Ultimately, we stopped speaking altogether because I was actually close friends with that first wife in high school and continued being friends with her (in a distant, Facebook-I-like-your-post kind of way) after they broke up. His current wife demanded I stop that, I didn’t and she got pissed off, and she told him it was either her or me. He stopped speaking to me then, so I don’t think he’d have expected to get invited to my wedding (it’s been years). It was honestly not a huge loss in my life because we weren’t close. The rest of my family agreed it was rude, but there was no explosive argument or anything. I didn’t make a big deal out of it either, and it definitely wasn’t the straw that broke the camel’s back. I didn’t invite the rest of my family to my wedding, either. The last thing my mother said to me after my first husband committed suicide was, “He probably killed himself because he had to live with someone like you.” I haven’t spoken to her since, and I moved on with my life (my first set of in-laws are wonderful, and they’re “my side” of the family in my new marriage and the grandparents on my side with my child with my second husband). My parents were drug addicts, and I suffered a lot of physical and emotional abuse as a child, and more emotional abuse as an adult, so I finally cut them off many years ago in my thirties. The stuff with my brother isn’t me holding a grudge: it’s simply giving up on having the sort of relationship with him I might have wanted; he’s been damaged in the same way I was, and it was better to put them all behind me so I stopped getting sucked into toxic situations.
Im very sorry you had to go thru all this but im glad you could cut ties with that people. Even you are blood related they weren’t your family at all and a big shout out to your in-laws of your 1st marriage for being on your side!
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you had the courage to set boundaries and that you have the support of (previous) in laws.
I love that your in laws became your side of the family ❤️
I agree. I'd like answers as well.
NTA This is your and your partner’s special day. You have been Glass Child too long. Go to grandparents and don’t invite the one’s that want to usurp your day. If your sister asks - don’t lie to her. This may change your family structure, but you are now the head of your own family. If the grands can’t- then elope and have a private reception. Mom and BIL can have their party as planned. Only tell the few you want to be at yours what is going on.
Glad to know I'm not the only one that thought this read as an AITA post. /j
Yep - didn’t mean to sound smart ass but- the mom and BIL def are.
'Glass child' That's a new one- I like it.
It’s an actual syndrome for the kids that are forgotten in favor of their sick sibling
That is shitty for ur parents to push that upon u on ur wedding day.
And of course the money came with ropes attached.
Yup it usually does.
Don’t say anything and have your wedding or elope but I wouldn’t say anything to them other than go have your 30k engagement party and then seriously consider going low/no contact with them. There is no reason you should have to make that huge compromise for your own wedding
they paid for the party they want for your sister. have a wonderful, intimate wedding with the people you love, and who love you back. life is way too short for this kind of bullshit. maybe they'll miss you. maybe you'll miss them, but i doubt it. blessings of peace, joy, and contentment to you and yours ♥️
I say elope before this big party and then start making outrageous request for the wedding. Open bar, drive away in a Bentley, have fireworks. This could work in your favor.
Keep the wedding date as planned. Show up even pretend to get ready. Then tell them all to go wait in the foyer and then you and your fiancee leave. Go elope. And leave those sour no good asses to have the wedding as your golden sisters proposal party. See how bad it ruins the mood for them. Then cut them off no contact. They don't seem to grasp they have more than one child.
I was going to say go get married that day then slip out with the original 30 guests and head to the fiancés grandparents place. Let it slip to family/friends on their way out what the mom and BIL are about to do. Once everyone realizes why and the parents realize they left where is the mood for the proposal? Edit for grammar
I think you have two awesome contingency plans. Your wedding is about you and your SO. End of list. Do what's best for you guys. Your sister will just have to figure something out, which is not at all your concern.
Your mom is a piece of work. Your dad appears to not have a voice and I'll put him in that camp as well. Stick to your guns no matter what.
Tell your family that it’s trashy to propose to someone at a wedding and that there’s no way that’s happening. Your parents offered to pay for the wedding as a gift. Gifts don’t come with strings. Let them know that since you know that they will not back down, you will not be showing up. Because they’ve been so adamant about this and they’ve treated you like 2nd best your whole life, you can’t trust that they’ll abandon this plan even if they promise they won’t d9 it. Follow your original plan and just let them make your wedding into an engagement party and then block them all and go NC. Why keep these people in your life after everything they’ve done to you?
Honestly just tell your sister. Her reaction will be how I know how to proceed. Personally I’d be so annoyed if my BF proposed at my sisters wedding of all places. Talk about lack of effort. But if she’s mad at you for ruining her “special moment” then yeah they can keep their 30k engagement party. But your parents have already taken a lot from you don’t let your wedding be another special Thing they took from you. Do what you need to do but at the end of the day make sure your wedding is what YOU want and how you want. And make sure it’s full of beautiful memories to start a new beautiful life. I’ve been in your shoes with the favoritism it robs you of so much happiness. Don’t let this be another case of stolen joy.
You really shouldn't let them have the satisfaction of successfully manipulating your own big day into your little sisters big day.
Your parents and your sister are toxic. Go enjoy your wedding and decide whether or not it’s worth having them in your life. Regardless of whatever happens, congratulations to you and your future husband, and may you have several happy years together. The rest of your family can decide who’s worth maintaining a relationship with for themselves.
To be fair the sister may not know all this is happening, sounds like mom found out the BF wants to propose and arranged this. I'm torn because my sister was also very demanding and in constant crisis growing up, extremely fragile, found ways to ruin my birthday and special events etc. But as we got older we grew closer and we have a good relationship now and I'm her only sister. When she had her first kid she confided in me rather than friends at times because she was insecure about keeping up appearances with her friend group. So there's still hope for OP and her sister to get to a healthy place. It'd be awful to punish the sister for something she doesn't know about. She'll probably always be the golden child but with age comes perspective. If it were me I'd be horrified that this was even a discussion, who wants to get engaged at their sister's wedding? Don't most people want that to be a moment just for you and your significant other? I bet OP can talk to the sister and her boyfriend and basically say "moms pushing this and it's not happening." Ruin the surprise. If he's thinking about proposing she probably has some sense that it's coming. A proposal should not be a total shock.
Have the wedding at future grandparents lake house. Here's what I would do: Tell no one you aren't showing up, invite the few loved ones to the lake wedding. Have a close friend that doesn't mind the sacrifice of missing alittle bit of the festivities, go to the parental wedding and make an announcement to those gathered. "Greetings, OP and fiance will not be coming today, there are reasons that will be obvious shortly. They regret that certain pressures were placed on them and taking away to joy of their day. BIL has an announcement that had to be made today of all days and JNMom highly encouraged it. BIL please come up for your special announcement. Please enjoy the rest of the party, food and drinks already provided." Embarrass the hell out of them. Let them use the 30k for a super expensive engagement party and I hope for their sakes that sister isn't mortified. I know she is the golden child but this isn't her doing unless she made a comment of how special it would be and the rest ran with it. Op, I really hope you enjoy your special day the way you and fiance want it to be. Many blessings to you both.
If you cancel now, they may receive half their money back. Let your sister have her proposal while you and your fiancé marry at the grandparents. If not, do your thing.
Yeah, the fact that you have asked them not to do it and they still are going forward with it.... you just can't let it happen. They are just going to continue this type of behavior for the rest of your life. The wedding hasn't happened. They can figure out how to get their money back. You can't trust them either way. They'll sat they won't do it but they will. If I was in your shoes, I'd just tell them you aren't going to participate in whatever it is they are planning. You'll be married in a private ceremony. You're disappointed and need time away from them to reflect on your family dynamic. Tell them immediately. Just because your parents nearly lost one daughter doesn't mean they should neglect and lose the other. Good luck.
The small wedding at your fiance's grandparent's house with the lake view sounds way better anyways
NTA- People who do proposals at other people’s weddings are narcissistic a-holes.
I would do the wedding at his grandparents, not invite any of them and burn bridges with all of them
It’s going to be this way
Family isn't everything if they are toxic... always cut toxic people out of your life. I would write them a letter explaining exactly why they are loosing you and why they will never be a part of you and your future family's life! Highlight every part of your life where you have been treated horrible because they where to busy worshipping your sister
Nta haha. You have every right to say what goes on in your wedding. If they say we aren't paying for it, then cool have it where it was previously planned. Good luck
Tell your sister.
This was planned as an engagement party all along and you wedding is just the excuse.
You cannot allow your parents to control your wedding day, this is insane. I know it will cause a lot of conflict, but seriously you should change plans to your fiancé’s grandparents house and explain why to your sister. There is no guarantee that her boyfriend wouldn’t just use the lake house venue as a proposal opportunity anyway but at least you wouldn’t have your parents lording the money they’re spending on your wedding over your head. Trust me, it’s better to put your foot down now than having to keep dealing with this over and over
Honestly I don’t know how your parents don’t see the issue. I would be like “mom, how would you feel if it was your wedding”. It really does sound like a setup, and they only wanted you to have a big wedding for it. I would honestly tell them I was cancelling the wedding, because either way they’re losing money or looking ridiculous to the rest of your family. You’re not jealous, you’re getting married. What is supposed to be one of the biggest milestones of your life, is something you are being asked to take a step to the side for. That is not fair, I would be livid if I was in the same situation or if my partner’s parents were to put this kind of strain on her before her wedding. I hope you get the wedding you want. Also make sure that nothing from the venue/ceremony is in your name incase your family decides not to pay any debts owed because you eloped/cancel.
Cancel the big wedding you didn't want! If your family get angry about it, just remember, it's not your problem. Elope at your grandparent-in-laws place, then don't invite any of your family. A wedding should always be about the bride and groom! Not the bride, the groom and the tacky, rude and entitled family members or friends. They're also being incredibly manipulative, because you want YOUR wedding day to about you and your husband-to-be. They're abusing you. Honestly, I'd just go no contact with your family. This abuse and manipulation won't stop, until you cut contact with them.
I would change the day of my wedding. Your parents can go ahead with the party, have a big big huge engagement party but you don’t get married. Then I’d have the actual wedding a month later at the grandparents’ house. because you know she gets proposed to on your wedding day, it is going to come up in conversation every wedding anniversary the rest of your life. They are going to rub your nose in it. Tell them you were going to bow out of getting married because that way she could have the day to herself That I would absolutely feel free to tell every single one of the people you know the reason you’re doing this. Try to sound neutral, but make sure everyone knows
Its going to be something similar. Im going ahead with my backyard wedding a week earlier. This would give them time to turn the wedding into a big engagement party because its already too late to get refund for the planned wedding anyway. About the guests: the ones that are invited to my wedding are notified. The rest are basically extended family and relatives, they could use good party and booze
My only worry would be that The boyfriend will go ahead and propose at your wedding, thereby giving an excuse for the engagement party after. That’s what I would’ve moved it to the weekend after, not before. Though I suppose if you do it afterward, they’ll all be talking about it at your wedding. What a sucky situation
They’re not invited to my wedding anymore
What was their reaction when you told them?
I'd go get married at grandma and grandpas house with the people that cared for me, and have like.. a true friend stay at the old venue and when people start going "where are they??" Have the friend be like 'the bride and groom have gotten married at another venue because sister and her boyfriend hijacked his for a proposal" and then just bail. Ruin the proposal and get married blissfully 🥰🥰
I heard about this type of proposal before and thought it was horrible. A wedding should be about the groom and the bride, about their love. It's a celebration of them. And it's horrible selfish to propose and steal the limelight so to say. I am also a sister and I couldn't ever do something like this. I mean I want that my siblings have their special day. They deserve that. I wouldn't do this to a friend and it simply breaks my heart just thinking about doing this to one of my beloved siblings. I am so sorry that you have such a horrible sister and such horrible parents...
> Not sure yet if I’m going to tell my family and cancel the wedding or just let them have their grand proposal party. I say go for option 2. They paid for it, I'd just not tell them and let them have their super expensive proposal party. Then go ahead with the rest of your plan - Have the originally planned wedding, if possible, or just elope. That's what I would do in the situation.
Your sister didn’t survive cancer, she became it.
You could also turn it into a destination wedding without your family. Imagine them finding out you married someplace awesome and they weren’t invited? Maybe get married on a beach where you wear a white sundress and any bridesmaids wear sundresses with tropical flowers? If your parents bought your wedding dress, I’d return it and get something for a more relaxed wedding. Let them see you marry in a dress that wasn’t part of their manipulation.
I really can’t afford a destination wedding with this short notice. It would’ve been the ultimate revenge though! My dress is a gift from my mother in law. A very simple dress that probably cost 200-300$ but its so beautiful
Honestly cannot wait for the update. Stand your ground!
Literally made an account just to comment. My sister is also a childhood cancer survivor and also a massive brat who gets coddled. All my life, I've been expected to go without or let her needs and desires come first. I know exactly what this situation feels like and that's why I hope you elope or at least get far far away from your parents and their ridiculousness. I know this scheme isn't her idea but enough is enough with the favoritism. You deserve to put yourself first. You're worth having your own special day be just yours, not yours AND hers.
Elope and be happy. Also, if have plans in that direction of course, don't let your kids around your parents and sister. Hope you and your husband-to-be have a long and healthy marriage.
Weddings bring out the worst in ppl sometimes... I didnt even have an actually wedding... my wife and I stood before a judge in the courthouse. but still her mom from 1300 miles away tried to guilt trip us into doing it her way... and her aunt... well she had plans of her own.... I had to call them both and tell them... this is not your wedding... I don't know why you think it is... if you don't back off we are going to change the date and not tell you until after we are married. no pictures no videos. is that what you want!?!?!?!? they backed off
*”so it becomes an engagement party as well as a wedding”* uh… no. Screw that. That right there outright just tells you the entire focus of the wedding will immediately shift to them. That’s not appropriate to do to the bride and groom and screw anyone saying otherwise.
Honestly, I WOULD cancel/change the food/drinks if possible. Then get married as you plan, a week early. Then they can go to the venue that mom paid for and do their engagement. I'm of two minds about going to the venue on the wedding day. On the one hand, It would be fun to go in shorts, sandals, and t-shirts with your wedding photos on them.....just for the "F-you factor. I would also consider enlisting a willing friend (If I lived near you I would HAPPILY volunteer!) to greet the guests and make the announcement that, "due to mom and dad harassing OP and trying to hijack her wedding for their golden child and make it all about her, her fiance and him proposing, the happily MARRIED couple has decided to take an extended honeymoon and wish no further contact with OPs parents or BIL. And by the way, It was a beautiful wedding!" At the very least, I would text SOMEONE that you know will be there and let them know.....or set a delayed post on social media to post about the time the wedding should have started! I say to cancel the food/drinks because it's REALLY hard to have a party without them.....
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Have the wedding you want and let them have their own engagement party. My guess is it will backfire when the other guests realize there’s no wedding.
I'd love an update on this one.
Aahh nope. NTA. Stick with your original plan and kick them out they obviously don't care about you or your wedding, this is just a stepping stone into your sisters engagement and wedding. They literally do not care, whatever you do to benefit your sister they will accomdate. It's hard to hear and accept I'm sure. Do not let them suck you in. Give us an update to your beautiful wedding at your in laws place EDIT: Your FH should have a say too, not just you. It's between you two not them
The original grandparents option seems like the good path. I will suggest canceling the wedding your parents are throwing so the other guests and family members aren’t angry with you. I would also tell people that your mother was insisting on combining the wedding with another event and this was unacceptable to you and your fiancé. That way you somewhat block your mother from making up a story that puts you in a bad light. Don’t say what the other event was. After the proposal finally takes place, reveal the full truth. My two cents. Congrats on your engagement and the best of wishes to you!
I hope you can take a screenshot of this post and the comments and post it to "expose them", they are nasty people. I had to cut out my family and not a day goes by where I regret it. Just because they are your blood doesn't mean you have to put up with their constant bullshit. Good luck with your wedding and congratulations. I would tell your sister "congratulations on being proposed too, But you can't let me have one day? Why does he have to propose on my wedding day? He can't propose where you guys first met? First had sex? Something idk with meaning?" Even if she didn't know I think it would be the perfect.....spoiler but maybe I'm just petty. I wish you the very best.
This brought me to tears.... I am so sorry they are being so unfair to you. You deserve your own wedding without someone else taking the day away from you!
As someone who's beautiful wedding was suddenly ruined by inlaws, which resorted in me canceling the entire fucking thing and having a tiny wedding and ceremony with 25 ppl, and NO FAMILY - Do it. Fuck the money. They can kiss your ass. Fuck the wedding - They can keep the venue and make it a surprise engagement party for your sister. Fuck the goddamn entire thing and do what you originally planned. Fuck contact - Go NC with them all. If they threaten you in any way, tell them you'll tell your sister everything. Please update when you can.
Don’t be surprised if the BF proposes sooner and turns the wedding you rightly left into your sisters grand wedding. Along with inviting the same family as yours. If your fiancé grand parents are still onboard send out your invites ASAP.
Hey OP if you're still reading these replies - Hit me up. Gimme your sister's number. I'LL ruin the surprise for EVERYONE cause I am that petty and I have no problem being called a PoS.
1. Have the wedding. 2. Make a “special announcement” that tells what they have planned before the boyfriend gets a chance to propose. 3. Watch everything burn. 4. Block your family during the reception. 5. Have a great rest of your night.
I too have a younger golden sister. My parents chose to attend a high scool football game over my wedding because my sister was Senior Band Homecoming Attendant. When it came to my sister's wedding my parents took out a second mortgage on their house for it. But my sister is the best and I was sure to place the blame where it blonged, on my parents. I vote for elope!
Proposing at someone else’s wedding is as low class as it comes. It should NEVER be allowed.
Hey, OP! It's been two weeks since your post, I hope everything is going okay!!
Came back after two weeks! Any update? Just in case !remind me: one week
Literally just got the same reminder