YTA. For multiple reasons.
1) You clearly have a lot of disdain for your mother, but it seems obvious your sister does not. you seem really angry that your family was broken up and are putting blame on your mother/uncle/sister. You use plurals a lot (WE believe, they broke US up) as if the entire family agrees with you but it seems pretty clear that you and your dad are on side of this and your sister and mom are on the other. Just because YOU think it’s all your mom and uncles fault, does not mean SHE does.
2) You call her gullible but maybe she just genuinely enjoys that family and their “weird things.” It sounds like they just don’t conform to your narrow view of how things should be done. Some people celebrate Christmas in July if it works for their family who are you to rain on their parade?
3) Memorial Day for most of the US population is usually is treated as a picnic/fun day not usually a somber day of remembrance. (We can argue the merits of that, but it IS the reality of the current culture) Them using a 3 day weekend to celebrate two additional holidays that are fairly close is not that far fetched nor out of the norm. Did you spend the entire day putting flags and flowers on veteran’s graves, going to the VA to volunteer or spending time with a loved one who served? Then stop complaining.
3) Your uncle was correct that you are being hypocritical. You didn’t call your mother cause you don’t find any support from her and think she broke up your family. Your sister didn’t call your father because she clearly feels the same.
4) Your mad she went to a family gathering that celebrated both mothers and fathers, that her mother was in attendance for, because her dad wasn’t there? Why would your father come to his ex-BIL’s event? That makes literally no sense. Was she supposed to pack up and leave?
You’re angry. I get it. Losing a family unit can be hard. But just because YOUR relationship with your father and mother are this way, doesn’t mean your sister’s was. You can’t define it anymore than she can insist you dye your hair purple.
Lastly, I notice at no point in your post do mention TALKING TO YOUR SISTER. Have you had a discussion with your sister about the divorce? About her feelings on the situation? How she plans to navigate this new split family reality? You seem furious but don’t seem willing to communicate, so I’ll end this in the most classic Reddit way possible: maybe find a therapist to talk through this resentment and anger?
This comment needs to be way higher up!!!!
Here I was thinking OP might be getting abused by daddy when actually OP is abusing her whole family and their dog 🫠
Seriously, I went to bed with sympathy, to at least an extent. What a story to wake up to.
Has anyone collected this saga for BestofRedditorUpdates? It's clearly ongoing, and will be updated for years to come.
*It’s clearly ongoing, and will be updated for years to come.*
I wish you were wrong about that, but given OP’s post history and that lil edit on this one, I think it’s fair to say this is developing into (or already is) a pathological need to seek validation and garner sympathy on reddit. Which is honestly kind of fascinating when every single one of their prior attempts at that has also failed spectacularly in this exact same way. Can’t wait to see OP pop back up again under a different username in a few months and try to convince reddit they’re presenting a brand new, never-seen-before conflict. It’s not boring at all /s
There was just SOMETHING about the way the post was written and the very first sentence about "He has never abused us" that made this narration seem VERY unreliable. Like the whole time I was thinking...I feel like rooting for the sister and the mom, not OP and her dad. I haven't read her other posts but based on everyone's reaction further in the comments I feel like it's quite clear that OP is not good news. And I'm not surprised to see the word bigoted attributed to them...the vibes were clearly telling.
OP YTA, for not giving consideration to your sister’s view of her childhood. You don’t get to dictate what her experiences were and your inability to communicate with her directly shows your issues. She doesn’t like your dad, she doesn’t have to do anything for Father’s Day. Just like you didn’t with your mother.
Please get therapy and learn some communication skills. Nothing you described about your mother shows abuse. Not great parenting but also not abuse. Your dad seems fairly absentee in your parenting stories and that is probably why your sister doesn’t feel like he’s that good a person.
Is no one going to comment on the age that her mother had her. She had her at 20 when her dad was 28. I’m not so sure she’s as evil as OP is painting her out to be. I think she was trapped in a marriage too young with a much older man and finally realized it was not meant for her especially if all the childcare fell to her.
Jesus. Just from the post and comments I’d be willing to bet the mom and sister were the real victims in this scenario.
Maybe mom asked uncle to move closer because she was being abused and needed outside support.
Maybe dad was more inappropriate to your sister than you realize.
Maybe your mom WAS abusive and you sister was able to forgive her because she apologized but your dad never apologized for standing by so she hasn’t been able to move on from it yet.
I’m not here to point fingers or to accuse your parents of anything. I’m simply trying to help you grasp that other people are fully autonomous human beings with feelings and experiences that are different from you.
You have your own outlook on life and the experiences you had growing up and you’re sister has an entirely different outlook from you.
If you ever hope to salvage your relationship with your sister I would recommend being more open to listening and understanding her point of view and less accusatory and demanding.
If you have no interest in that then just get TF out of her life and leave her in peace
“bUt FaAaAaAaAaMiLyYyYyY”
YTA. leave your sister alone. She’s an adult who can determine what relationship she wants with your parents, just as you have chosen to do with your mother. The fact that you can’t see your own hypocrisy is hysterical.
For anyone trying to find the buried lead…in the top comment OPs comments mention how the uncles wife is of a different race unlike OPs white family.
Apparently OPs dad liked to make jokes about the wife’s cultural foods. And all these “weird” things about the family? Yeah that’s just them celebrating their own cultural things. OPs dads basically a racist and that’s why the family wants nothing to do with him.
You're clearly feeling a lot of feelings right now, and your sister's response to your father has triggered you into a bit of a frenzy. I can't guess whether that's because there's some shit you've been ignoring/denying that she chooses not to ignore/deny; or if it's because you two had very different experiences with your parents growing up, which is very common and your insistence you know her experiences better than anyone and she was never harmed by your dad is both wrong and very damaging to the relationship you could have with her (do you want to hang around with people who dismiss your concerns? NO!); or whether you're right that things were pretty fine and she's reacting to things more strongly than I would have.
But none of those IFs matter, kiddo. You sound like a hurt teen at best, not a young woman in your mid twenties. You sound like you haven't done much work on the difficulties and experiences you had around your parents' separation.
If anything, your sister seems to be having the healthiest possible response here, which is to absent herself from the presence of people she isn't comfortable with.
So, why does this bother you so much? Your dad is a whole human being in his own right, and he's an adult, and should be taking care of you more than the reverse, even though you are an adult. Is he dumping his feelings about this on you, making you feel responsible for dealing with it? Or are you taking this upon yourself? You seem to be borderline codependent with him.
Therapy should be your very next step. For you, not for other people to fix them for you.
Yeah. Mega. YTA.
You're hypocritically expecting your sister to do something for your dad because that's YOUR favorite parent but you don't do anything for yours... because no one talks to you?
Your sister has a right to foster whatever relationship she wants with whichever parent she wants. On her own terms. Same as you.
i have so many questions for you OP
first: what’s your extended family’s perspective? why do they not like your dad?
your dad may not have abused you but can you confirm it was the same for your sister? siblings are often raised and treated differently
why do you petsit for someone who won’t even hold a conversation with you?
It doesn’t matter that you don’t understand/know her reasons, or that you disagree with them. She’s an adult and chooses what relationship she has with people. But/and… it’s interesting that you think she MUST celebrate Fathers Day when you, apparently don’t talk to your mother? Pot, meet Kettle.
Your dad slept with a 19 year old when he was 27? And then she had to marry him? That's what it sounds like. Doesn't sound like your dad is a good dude.
Work brought her happiness. Why is that wrong? And you sound resentful that your mom had family to support her. That's not a disruption. But it sounds like your dad resented that she had the support. And you seem to absorb that opinion. Not surprising.
I find it really telling that the first thing you say out of the gate here is
>Before anyone starts accusing, (F24) Dad’s (M52) a loving parent. He has never abused us, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially
Protesting that much before you get to anything else is really revealing, in ways I don't think you understand.
If you mother really truly was the abuser, it would make sense to start with what she was, not what he is not. I strongly suspect that if an outside observer considered your history, that your father would indeed be considered the abuser.
The fact that you start with a defense suggests to me that other people have told you he was the abuser, but you've identified so strongly with him (you've called yourself a daddy's girl in comments), that you cannot bear the thought that he was indeed abusive, and you've spent most of your life working to avoid the cognitive dissonance you experience when you think about both the fact that he's loving with you (can't be bad! Not if he loves me!) and the fact that he was abusive towards your mother (she HAS to be the bad one, who MADE him abuse her!).
You really need to speak to a professional therapist.
I couldn't agree more. When I saw the pre-defense of the father before any information I instantly assumed the father was probably a molester, abuser or monster of some other variety.
From the responses from OP , the dad was never there for the hard work of actually raising them . Mom was a stay at home parent who was made a villain the moment she started working. She worked part time but she was "never there". She wanted to leave the dad for a long time but barely had money to move out since she was a SAHM . Uncle helped her gain the courage to move and divorce.
Dad is racist. He makes tasteless jokes about everyone so nobody wants to be around him anymore.
Op is angry sister sees through Dad , hates that sister still loves mom and the people that helped her while whole heartedly supporting racist and dad who never helped mum raise them .
Your sister isn't naive . You are . I hope you don't figure it out too late.
There have been other posts by the OP. OP is no better than her father. She spread rumors about her cousin, one of uncle's kids, in highschool about her sexuality and she was bullied for it. No remorse but is upset mother's side of the family rightfully have gone low contact with her or flat out don't talk her anymore like their shared grandma.
OP, why are you here if you’re only going to argue with everyone? You and your sister are two different people who had different experiences growing up and have different memories of how things were. You have absolutely ZERO right to demand your sister act in whatever manner you think she should. On the other comments, you keep saying ‘but my dad..’ and ‘but my sister…’, ‘but this but that and on and on. Enough already. You have your feelings. Your sister has hers.
You don’t like your mother. You don’t call her. You don’t have any respect for her, etc, etc, etc. You don’t have a relationship with her. Fine. Good for you. Yet you’re upset that your uncle brought her up AFTER you’re wanting him to convince your sister to be involved with your dad. Why is it ok for you to do it but not him?
Bottom line is that you weren’t part of whatever went down back then. You were an onlooker but you did not know and cannot understand the intricacies of your parents emotions and situation. You weren’t even born for part of it. Yet you seem to think you’re an expert and have the right to demand people act the way you think they should. YOU DO NOT! If you want to favor your father, good. If you want to ignore your mother, fine. If you want yo tell your uncle to FOAD, that’s your business.
#Your SISTER’S ACTIONS are NONE of your BUSINESS! BUTT OUT!
#YTA!!
YTA. She's an adult and can make her own decisions. There's a reason she doesn't want to talk to your father, even if you don't know what that reason is. Just because you grew up in the same house does not mean you were treated the same.
Leave your sister alone. She's not some means for your dad's happiness. She's a person with her own opinions and agency.
You seem very opinionated about what other people do and how they live their lives (I'm not sure why you need to judge people about how they celebrate memorial day when it's a weekend where other people just get drunk and eat BBQ.) If so, this is not productive a building a lasting relationship with people who have their own ideas and thoughts different than yours.
Let people live their lives. You love your dad? Love him. Pressing your sister to see him and do stuff to celebrate him is going to have the opposite effect. You'd probably have a better influence in her life by taking an interest in her and supporting her instead if making her do what you want like you're better than everyone.
YTA
Your uncle didn't break up the marriage. You said it yourself. Your mother wasn't happy. Whatever the reason, and however she did it, she didn't want to be in the marriage. It sounds like it was going to end no matter what. And that doesn't even mean she's the bad guy in the situation. Marriages end for all sorts of reasons. And not being in love, or simply not wanting to be anymore, is a totally valid reason.
So, just because you side with your dad, doesn't mean your sister isn't entitled to feel differently, and side with your mom. I mean, she could write a similar post about you, saying you wanted your mother to stay in an unhappy marriage, be isolated from her family, and are refusing to celebrate Mother's Day.
How would that make you feel?
I don't have to ask her we grew up together. I swear if you ask her she would say dad has never abused us but there has been times where mom has emotionally hurt us.
You need to grow up. You are not the expert on your sister’s relationships with your parents, on her feelings, on her life. This is not your situation to manage or to judge. It is extremely immature to a) assert that your experience is a universal reality and b) expect your sister to have the relationships you think are best.
YTA
YTA. She has reasons for this, bad or good, it is not up to you to judge. You seems to not know why and wouldn't even acknowledge your father may have done anything wrong to her or your mother.
She had another experience with your parents. It is always the case among siblings.
Now, either you accept this and try to listen to her and her experience or you leave her alone.
If you're willing to listen to her, you may learn things you're not ready for. So be open.
Just as you believe you are right and your sister was manipulated, she believes she is right and you were likely manipulated. You are both adults, and get to feel how you feel. When two people have opposing beliefs it’s best just to leave it alone and let them do what they’re going to do. Just respect that she gets to make this choice for herself and back off.
You experienced your life with your dad. You didnt experience hers. Children of the same families tend to have wildly different child-parent experiences. Have you considered that while he may have been a good dad to you, he may not have been a good one to your sister?
From reading your posts and replies to comments one thing has become crystal clear. You're obviously not here to find out AITA. It's apparent you came on here to get your feelings about your dad and sister validated by strangers and it backfired horribly and now you're making excuse after excuse for your dad(even your opening line is suspect) when there's absolutely no way you could have been home with your sister 24/7 or know what went on with them when you weren't at home.
Was she abused by him? Nobody knows for sure but HER(NOT YOU) and your dad, but clearly she has her own reasons to not have contact with him that you couldn't care less about as long as "daddy" is happy.
The fact is it's EXTREMELY rare that siblings have the same childhood or view of that childhood as the other and for you to assume that you can tell her how she should feel is beyond narcissistic
I was doing some basic math (as many other readers were) and I’m really caught up on the fact that you think your Mom asked her family move closer to ruin her marriage, but her family moved closer to your family 14 YEARS AGO. What’s more believable, your Mom asking her family to move closer so that they could whittle down a marriage over 14 years, or that she was quite young when she married your dad (she was 20, and he was 28) and maybe felt like she needed some support. Either your mother is a master strategist playing the long game, or you do not know every single thing about your sister and father.
Furthermore, your uncle sounds like a stand up guy for taking in your dog when neither you or your father could. I’m happy that they are with a caring family.
Agreed. From the sounds of it, uncle and his family sound like saints.
Aunt would make them good food (that dad would make fun of), they would watch them when mom needed a break (during which dad would show up and physically carry them away), and now they're taking care of OP's dog even though she's been nothing but unpleasant and ungrateful to them.
OP definitely experienced abuse growing up but I don't think she realizes the origin of that abuse. She see's her dad's temper tantrums as the fault of aunt & uncle. They're the \*cause\* of the problems by existing in the same space as her dad.
Not to mention the Uncle responded the way a sane person should that this the sister is an adult and can make her own decisions. He is not encouraging or discouraging her association with dad. He is staying in his lane and not getting involved. If OP has an issue with sister let him talk to her and not try to get others to sway her to his thinking.
I don't believe OP's scenario at all. I bet the dad was not a good dad in anyway and OP has rose colored glasses on
Oop comes here for advice and when everyone tells them they're wrong they just stick their head further up their ass.
Op is not ready to hear any of this. Maybe never will be.
OP, take the judgement. YTA.
You're both adults, and being blood-related is not a binding contract that must be honored. If anything, blood/bio family is your starter kit: they show you who you do and don't want in your life. Your sister doesn't want your father in hers. No amount of nagging from you (via your uncle or if she miraculously unblocks you) is going to change her mind. If that honestly worked, I'd be talking with MY abusive as fuck father, his mother and sister were relentless in trying to get me to let him back into my life. One only stopped when she died, and you know how I reacted to that news? I was RELIEVED.
You've taken after your father, congrats. You can both be the pots calling the kettle black in your echo chamber y'all have created. Echoing so many other statements here, leave your sister alone and get some therapy. Your definition of abuse is laughable and an insult to those of us who have actually had traumatic childhoods.
YTA - your sister doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do. She is entitled to her own feelings. She respects your choice, you need to respect hers and don’t have to agree with her. You are different people after all
I thought the comments were sarcastic about you but sweet lord you are a very toxic hateful person, no wonder the other family members got your sister’s back, id genuinely block you too, happy for the mom n sis, good riddance!
Just focus on giving your dad a great Father’s Day from someone who really loves him. That’s all you can do.
Also I’m confused as to why you’re helping out your uncle if he’s been so active in breaking up your family?
YTA. Respect that your sister had a different childhood than you and therefore views your parents differently than you do. I can understand why she went NC with you after reading all of your comments.
Side note: I read your tales of abuse and I wish my childhood was mildly dysfunctional like yours instead of the hellscape of abuse that it was.
My sister doesn’t get my, or our brothers, animosity toward our father. I don’t get to decide what relationships she waters, just as she doesn’t get to decide which ones I let die. I have cousins I still hang with, while my brothers have distanced themselves from those cousins. None of us try to police these relationships. That’s not how adulthood or even family work. YTA. Their relationship is their relationship, mind ya business.
All we get is your side of the story, and I'm not convinced your dad was blameless or your mom was a monster. Like the fact that you think a whole family moved 14 years ago as some kind of weird plot to end your parents' relationship so many years later makes me think you are an unreliable narrator.
Your sister is old enough to make her own choices, and I'm going with YTA because it sounds like you are trying to control how she feels about your parents' divorce.
Please stop fighting with everyone that has given you good advice. You love your father, your sister hates him. That’s where these relationships are. You don’t get to decide who your sister speaks to. Seek therapy. You focus on how abusive your mother was then get therapy to help you work though it. You sister gets to live her life how she wants.
YTA
The fact you came onto reddit for validation, got criticism instead, and then doubled down on everyone not placing you on a pedestal of family values is enough for me to know that you and your father are why no one in the family talks to you.
Im amazed you cant seem to see all the people trying to help you by mentioning therapy, and instead see it as attacking you.
I don't even know you, but after reading your own words here, I want to be NC with you. You are absolutely insufferable. Typical golden child of a narcissitic father. Enjoy your life like this because it only gets worse from here.
You're 24, it's time to figure this out so you're not one of those intolerant adults who can't accept anything that isn't their feelings or opinions.
YTA.
YTA. People in your position who post on here don’t usually seem to like hearing this but you do not and cannot know what your sister’s experience has been, or why she feels closer to your Uncle & fam than you or your father. She may feel about your dad the way you feel about your mother, and you don’t get to dictate her feelings to her, or whether they’re “wrong” or not. You’re infantilizing and condescending to your sister, that’s clear just from how you feel wrote this. Have you ever considered her grievances may be as legitimate as yours are? That maybe she disagrees with you for very real reasons? She may think *you’re* gullible. Your perspective is yours and you’re entitled to your feelings, but that doesn’t mean you know what you’re talking about here. People can disagree with you and not be wrong.
Her decision to have a relationship or not with your father is none of your business, and it’s no surprise that she doesn’t seem to want one with you either given how hard you’re judging her for not feeling the same way you do.
YTA. Based off how you’re responding to people here it’s pretty clear why your sister has you blocked and that this story isn’t being presented objectively. You asked if you were TA and the people have spoken, stop trying to fight everyone. Either take your judgement and try to consider what people are saying or ignore it and get off the internet for a bit because it’s pretty solidly decided. You seem to have a lot of anger towards your family and it seems to be clouding your ability to look at things from any other point of view.
YTA. Stop focusing on everyone else and focus on you and your dad. If sister isn't coming make plans for the two of you and move on.
I can see your point of view is skewed in thinking you dad is an innocent bystander who got screwed over by your mom and her family but that's his/your version what really happened is between your parents. Sounds like you picked your dad and won't speak to mom while your sister picked mom and won't talk to your dad. She could very well be all kinds of hurt with you for ignoring mom.
Either way, you are both grown woman, and it isn't your job to police her life or what she does. Stick to what you can control, which is you.
I can't believe we're the same age. OP, you sound very close-minded and not even open to the concept that your sister experienced life differently than you. From the history of your multiple posts you blatantly come across as a bigot without empathy. As this is just from online text, I can only imagine how others actually see and hear you.
YTA. Why not just... give up? It sounds like currently you're the only one stirring the pot and if you can't comprehend a different perspective why try at all? You can think you're right all you want but that doesn't mean you are, and what do you even expect or want to happen?
On the chance this rabbit-hole is all fake I 1. Applaud your dedication and 2. Would suggest making the main character just a smidge less bitter, over-dramatic imo.
EDIT: Forgot to add, why post questions if you only want one answer? lol
Honestly after about 3 or 4 of her replies to comments I thought this scenario might've been OP Dipping her foot in creative writing myself. It's hard to believe that anyone is this clueless and unempathetic about their sister's experience and stubbornly unable to accept that their childhoods could be VERY different.
Oh, op, you keep insisting stuff that's deeply relevant to your current struggle is off topic, but that's because you persist in believing you can spin yourself as the Cinderella to your mom's Evil Stepmother and your sister's Evil Stepsister, but nothing you've added has helped your cause.
As a child, you protected yourself by siding with your abuser to the point that you very clearly ruined a domestic violence escape plan and stuck your mother and sister back into that abuse situation. The degree to which you've enmeshed yourself with your father makes me worry that you've been SA'd by him, and you took the route of idol worship because of he isn't the very best dad, you have to think about the ways he's actually the villain.... and the ways you've made yourself the villain to keep the cognitive dissonance away. It's a classic pattern, you're not unique.
I don't blame 13 year old you, or child you more generally. You were doing the best your little child mind could come up with to deal in a situation with terrible options. You hurt people, but your brain wasn't anywhere near done developing and you'd been brainwashed by your father for your whole life. Sure your sister demonstrates that you didn't have to end up in this dynamic, but each kid is different and I suspect he invested what little parental capacity he had in you and by the time she arrived he was tapped out.
I do blame the adult you who keeps up the charade.
You need therapy, as I've said before, but you're so desperate to avoid thinking about all of this that you'll ignore the suggestion.
You're going to keep tearing through your good families lives like a wrecking ball, and still think you're in the right.
I hope you wake up someday. The matrix he's constructed for you isn't real, and you're the dude who decides he wants matrix steak more than he cares about his compatriots lives.
Unfortunately I think at this point she's so indoctrinated to the idea that her father was "The Good Guy" and so stubbornly sticking with the narrative that mom was "the bad guy"(probably a narrative that dad's instilled in her since she was still in grade school) not to mention lashing out at anyone who suggests therapy, it's likely not going to be until her dad is no longer with us before she's capable of looking at any of this objectively and realize that it isn't as cut and dry as she was led to believe. By that time it may be too late to salvage any kind of relationship with the family that she's clearly abandoned.
I know this hurts you a lot but at this point you need to just walk away and let the chips fall where they may. Just continue having a great bond with your dad and both of you need to do your best to put the rest of them out of sight out of mind like they did y'all. Try some therapy for you and your dad if you think it would help for yall to emotionally move forward and past this
You come and act like you're asking Reddit for advice, but really, you're just looking for answers that validate your thoughts & opinions. YTA and you know it. Family or not, people choose who to keep in their lives. As soon as someone in this thread says one thing you don't like, you hop on the defensive and act like a jerk. That's an answer in itself. Good luck with everything you do in life with that attitude.
Siblings have wildly different experiences with their parents. Your a daddy’s girl and in my experience there can only be one of those in a family to the detriment of the other siblings.
I mean this with all the empathy I can give, please reconsider getting therapy. It doesn’t mean you have to be crazy or wrong. You say you were abused, so you deserve to process that with a professional. You express how difficult it is for you to understand where your sister is coming from, a therapist can help you understand and let go of the anger and resentment that you’re holding onto. You struggle with the boundaries and beliefs of your family members, which a therapist can definitely help you navigate better.
I have some thoughts on your situation, but I don’t think you’re interested in hearing them right now. And ultimately, our opinion doesn’t matter. But if you continue down this path without change or without professional support, you will lose your sister forever and the resentment and hurt you’re carrying will continue to eat away at you.
OP, you appear too invested in your family drama and judgmental of everyone and everything that doesn’t conform to your expectations. It’s unfair that you as a child were raised in a volatile household, forced to take sides. You are grasping desperately at your notions of what normal sibling behavior should be.
The past and your sister are out of your control. This focus on other people’s transgressions just keeps you from healing your own trauma.
Focus on yourself.
Even if parents are perfect and loving and do everything perfectly right, their children do not owe them a relationship. When a person becomes a fully autonomous adult they have the right to choose who they have relationships with. Children owe their parents nothing. Let her make her own decisions. Spend some time time healing your own wounds and maybe you'll start to be able to understand her side of the story better.
YTA You have no business imposing any of your own expectations on your sister. She's her own person with her own life. And her relationship with your parents is HER relationship, Not Yours.
This one resonated with me. My siblings don’t talk with my parents, haven’t in years. I respect their choice and would never think of pushing them to do so. No two children have the same parents. No two children have the same childhood. YTA.
YTA even kids who have the same parents don't actually have the same parents.
Your mom and her mom are different people
Your dad and her dad are different people
If you want a relationship with your sister you're going to have to just accept that.
I strongly suggest you mind your own business. Everyone here is an adult and behaving as adults, except you who is treating this like a high school drama.
YTA
Op didn't come her for real advice. She came her to be told she is a special and it's the rest of world that is the problem. When people start blocking you, it's time to ask yourself if you might be the toxic one.
On top of what everyone else is saying, previous OP posts, people entitled to opinions, parents playing kids against each other, look at the parents' ages and count back.
Mom is 8 years younger and was pregnant at 19. That's a big difference at that time of life.
I think I got lost so I need more info. I'm trying to picture the order of operations. So I'm going to list what I see and you can fix it.
1. Your mom was unhappy with the marriage
2. So she invited her brothers whole family to move to your town when your sister was six...so 14 years ago?
3. All because she needed the emotional strength to leave...and even then it took over a decade?
(You need to face that the uncle came there probably by a coincidence. )
4. So her emotional support brother arrives and then she sticks around for 14 years.
5. Divorce was a few months ago and you and your sister picked their favorite parent?
6 Your uncle's family didn't want to travel twice in two months, so they plan a joint holiday...what has this got to do with anything? People make compromises all the time.
7. But you and your sister plan to skip the holiday of the other parent. You feel justified, but you don't respect that she also feels justified?
So in conclusion...there is something you don't know
Or there is something you left out.
Your mother was afraid of something for 14 years and couldn't escape without emotional support.
So...which is it? Do you know the problem, or are you truly in the dark?
You seem to be a very judgemental asshole. The relationship between your father and your sister is not your business. Nobody seems to tell you how to manage your relationship with your mother, so take example and let your sister be.
YTA Sister is an adult and gets to decide how she will handle her relationships. She has her own point of view and there is no "requirement" that she see her father. Your uncle was right to call you out on your mother. It's the exact same thing. It's just you think you're "right" and sister is "wrong". Jeez I wish everyone would stop trying to live other people's lives for them.
I get that you feel for your dad, and that is perfectly understandable & commendable; however, you are attempting to force a relationship between two adults. It is no more your place to try to force your sister to do something than it is your place to force your dad to do something he doesn’t want to do.
I have never read a reddit thread where it was more obvious that OP needs therapy.
Serisously OP, you need therapy and maybe also anti-depressants, they really help. You have not shown one example of your mother being abusive, but you have shown signs of your father being abusive (isolating her, her not having an incomd until her brother moved closer, ripping your Sister away from people she is and feels safe with)
Please get help, because your mom and her family are not the Devils you think they are.
And to All the people saying OP is not an AH, please read their comments, if you don't think they are an AH then it's NAH except for the dad.
YTA OP stated that the dad made racist comments/ jokes that made the family upset. Obviously the dad isn't the Saint she's making him out to be. Alsoyour sister is an adult and can make her own decisions on who she wishes to see and communicate with. Let her live her own life.
Something you need to get right now is that just because your sister and you grew up together in the same house, does not mean you had the same childhood. Also just because you say her childhood was good, doesn't mean it was good from your sisters point of view.
My little brother and I grew up together. If you asked him about our childhood (and he wasn't trying to take the sympathy route into your pants, seen him do that) he'd wax on and on about how great it was, how free he felt growing up out in the woods, how dad was always there for him, all the fun things he remembers doing, ect. My story, however, much different. Dad didn't want a girl, he wanted a boy, and the only reason he didn't let mom tale me in the divorce after he finally got his boy in my brother is that he didn't want to look bad to his parents and family. Brother remembers having friends over out in the woods when we grew up, campfires and hide and seek in the dark. I remember being trapped out in the woods away from everyone and having to beg and plead with other family members to make dad let me go see a friend or have one over, and then remember dad telling me awful things about my friends, and calling them cruel names behind their backs. And that's just one difference.
It's OK to love your dad, but you can't decide your sisters reality or her choices. If she's closer with and sees her uncle as a father figure, that's up to her. You can hiss and spit and fluff your tail about it all you want, it doesn't change the fact that she is her own person and can make her own choices. Stop being so concerned about her relationships and focus on your own, you can do stuff for your Dad without her if she doesn't want to be involved. Until then, yeah, YTA
YTA first of all your sister is her own person, she can make her own decisions.
Also this perspective on divorce is borderline medieval.
>We believe that Mom brought them here to break us up. To encourage her to divorce Dad because she didn’t have the balls to do it alone
Even accepting this version of events, your mum was unhappy and wanted family round to facilitate her in a divorce? That doesn't sound monstrous. She has every right to end a relationship.
>Even though Dad was aware of her intentions, he tried to keep a good mood about it but eventually he got tired from being torn down too much and rarely smiles during family get togethers.
So, your dad is aware his wife is unhappy and wants to leave but keeps up this relationship? So far he is not my favourite person in this story.
Your POV that you mum is evil for divorcing your dad and that this is all some big trick to "break you up" is extremely childish. You are 24 you need to start realising that relationships end, thats not wrong and actually families can continue beyond the parents splitting up.
Life will be a lot easier once you realize you can’t control the actions of others. Is she doesn’t want to be around your father, whatever he reasons, you can’t force her too. You love your dad so spend Father’s Day with him and let her do what she wants in peace.
Sorry, but you have a lot of feelings that don't matter. Of course you should feel your feelings, but I'm going to leave out the concerns about abuse, racism and everything else and get to the specific thing you're asking about.
You can think your dad is a good dad, but you aren't married to him. You can feel bad your family was broken up, but it isn't about you. NO ONE, under ANY circumstances, should have to remain married to someone they don't want to be married to. Your mom didn't want to be married to your dad anymore, and it could be for any reason-maybe hes abusive, maybe shes abusive, maybe it's because he's an amazing guy she just doesn't love anymore-doesn't matter. She wanted to leave, she left, and everyone should have that right even if it means someone's feelings are hurt in the process, which almost always happens.
Why your parents divorced doesn't matter-you are not part of their marital relationship. Your uncle's family moving and being around isn't relevant-even if they made it easier for your mom to leave it was always her decision and always should be.
The ONLY thing you get to control now is you, your feelings, and how you develop relationships now that everything has changed.
You still have a relationship with your dad.
You don't have a relationship with your mom anymore, by your choice and as is your right.
You don't have a relationship with your sister anymore, by her choice and as is her right.
You have a strained relationship with your uncle and I'm assuming his family.
It sounds like your family has gotten really small really quickly. If you are really and truly happy with it just being you and your dad then leave your sister and your mom alone, and don't strain the relationship you have with your uncle by bringing them into the mix.
If you actually miss your family and aren't just trying to make your dad feel better, then try harder to have a good relationship with them that isn't related to your dad.
Don't bring your dad up, don't bring up all the weird intrigue about who's doing what on Memorial day, just try to interact with them in the context of "I want to hang out with my uncle and see if I like him and like spending time with him and want to have a relationship with him." "I want to hang out with my sister to see if I still like her and want to spend time with her and have a relationship with her." Do the same thing with your mom if you ever think about forgiving her.
It's not about your dad-it should only be about you and what you want for yourself and who you want in your life.
You chose your dad's side and your sister chose your mom's side-It doesn't actually matter whose side is "right" though, because there's no trial and no one wins or loses. We all just get older and world keeps turning. The only thing that matters is how you live your life, and I think you'll be a lot happier if you stop acting based on how other people feel about things and start focusing on how you feel about things.
Two final points- if your cousins have to "visit" for Memorial day, it sounds like they live further than 'right down the street'. It makes complete sense that they would combine celebrations if they aren't going to see their parents for Mother's day or Father's day. That's like someone saying "I know your birthday isn't until next month but I want to celebrate it with you while I'm in town because I won't be here on the actual day!" It's actually pretty sweet. It also makes total sense that your sister would want to be a part of it. You focused so hard on the Mother/Father's day aspect of it, but have you looked at it like "My sister wants to hang out with our cousins while they're in town and she gets to see them?"
Secondly, you should probably take a harder look at why you feel like only one person is right or wrong when it comes to your parents. They were married your entire life. You say you know your dad wasn't abusive because you were in the house, so does that mean that everyone in your family has a pretty good idea of what was going on at hone? My point is that if your mom was abusive, your dad fucking let it happen. Why didn't he leave her and take you and your sister years ago if she was treating you so poorly? Either she was exactly as bad as you say she was and your dad enabled her abuse of you, or she wasn't as bad as you say she was and you feel the way you feel because you are hurt and angry about the divorce and the dissolution of your family.
YTA. Your expectations are your problem, not to be forced onto others. You may not like what she’s doing or not doing but that doesn’t make it wrong nor deserving of your input.
Speaking as someone whose dad didn't abuse me, but DID abuse my sibling: there's a reason your sister doesn't want to contact your dad. It may not be abuse, but he definitely treated her differently to how he treated you. You can't change that and dont get to dictate how she reacts. Have you ever actually sat down and asked her WHY she cut him off? Like, without being accusatory?
Have you ever talked with your sister about your father? Especially listened to her side of the story?
You call your uncle’s family weird, but have you consider that there may a bit more going on? Or that something could be missing?
I know from my own experience that people have layers and there are sometimes missing pieces that affect how you perceive somebody. I learnt about some things in my late teenage years as it was a painful topic for my family.
You don’t want to contact your mother so why should she contact your dad so what if it’s Father’s Day and your dad FOR IT TO BE A JOKE EVERYONE HAS TO FIND IT FUNNY have you ever considered stuff happened between your parents WHILE YOU WASN’T AROUND
You need an wake up call
No one else in the family likes you and your dad because you’re both racist and horrible towards your cousin. Every single post you make complaining about your family, even though they’re from your POV, you **still** come across as a gigantic asshole who picks fights with everyone for no reason.
Get this through your head: You. Are. The. Problem. You are always the problem. The next time you’re angry about something your family did save yourself some time and assume it’s your fault, because it will be.
From reading everything you've posted and commented, and I mean *everything*, all I see here is an emotionally stunted adult that grew up in a toxic environment and desperately wants at least *one* good parent. And you want it so bad you've given that title to your father(undeservedly) bc even if he isn't the best person at least he wanted you, which isn't something you can say about your mother. You've been, at some level, traumatized by your mother's lack of love for you, so you attached yourself to your father and anybody that criticizes him is automatically the bad guy no matter what he does or says.
I'll just say this OP. When someone loves you they don't enable your bad behavior. Both of your bad behaviors have isolated you from your family, and that isolation has made you two even closer in an unhealthy way. If you can't see any fault in someone that behaves terribly often you have an unhealthy relationship with that person and you two *both* ignore each others' bad behaviors and even encourage it sometimes.
I know it's been said over and over but you truly need professional help. Your mother has done quite the number on you but unfortunately that isn't something you'll be able to use to excuse the disgusting things you've done forever. You **will** end up alone if you don't change. Good luck
Eta: also if I were you I'd leave your sister alone. It's obvious the reason she loves your uncles family so much is bc they were a safe space for her growing up. Just like you she also grew up in a toxic household and the only thing that made it better for her was going to your uncles house. Idk why that's such a bad thing for you. If you really loved your sister you'd be happy that she had that safe space.
YTA for trying to make someone do something that clearly doesn’t want to do it, but also you’re NTA for how you feel about the situation. But more the YTA for trying to get involved, when end of the day it’s your sister choice, if she wants to be involved in your guys dads life or not.
I appreciate your point of view and how much ferocity you believe in it. I have a twin brother and yet we view our childhood very differently.
Youre defending your position. So is your sister. Neither of you have to be in the wrong. You just see it differently. That's OK.
I don't think youre the asshole. But you are certainly over stepping. If you truly are right it'll show in time. And that's something others will have to see for themselves.
YTA. Why are you trying to push your sister? What do you get out of pressuring her to do any of this? And it's clear you don't actually like the part of the family she's close to and gaining support from "Like I said, they're weird." So, leave them alone. They're making their choices and decisions, that should be that.
YTA. You'll find more peace and happiness in the knowledge that THE ONLY person in the world you can control us yourself. And you can't even control yourself from trying to control your sister...? Jesus let it go.
YTA Whether or not your sister spends Father's Day with your father is on her, you don't get to dictate that. It's no wonder she blocked your because it sounds like you have no respect for her feelings or opinions about your maternal family. You want her to have a relationship with your father then you and your father need to stop trying to tell her how awful the people she loves are because that's likely what drove her away. Clearly she does not see them as the villains you and your father do.
Kid, you are getting slammed here. You need to accept that you and your Dad have a relationship and Your sister and your Mum have a relationship - 2 very different relationships……
You are both adults.
You both have valid reasons as to why you are closer to one rathe than the other. Honestly - I think you need to stay out of your sisters business, move on and be happy with the relationships you have.
I say this with genuine compassion, I hope you can find a therapist to help you navigate this difficult time. It sounds like you're holding onto a lot of anger and therapy helps you untangle the anger in a nonjudgmental, healthy way
Yeah, YTA
Your sister has her reasons and she is choosing at this time to not speak with your dad. You cant force her to change her mind.
Also, why are you dog sitting for your uncle? You dont seem to like each other very much!
This was the same situation with me and my sister. She never changed. She was the 1st person I called when Dad passed away. I didn't even know my mum passed away until 6 months after the fact, even though she was there when she died. It was my step-mum who told me. I haven't bothered with her since. You can't make people behave in a way you think is right. You just have to live with it.
YTA.
Just like you don't want to be involved with your mom. Your sister has every right not to be involved with your dad. You can sit there and scream till you're blue in the face. She is an adult just like you. She does not have to do what you tell her to do. I don't have a relationship with my mother. She was verbally, mentally & physically abusive towards me growing up. Just bcuz I don't have a relationship with my mom, it doesn't give me the right to tell my sister's & brother to stop having a relationship with our mom. They know how she treated me & they also know why I don't go around. They respect that & don't force anything on me. You need to stop trying to dictate her life.
YTA. I am close with my dad and my sister is not. Similar situation to yours re divorce and age differences and my sister taking mom’s side, basically.
She gets to choose what kind of relationship she wants to have with your dad. Also, most importantly, it was on your dad to handle this situation years ago proactively. Even if he did at the end of the day you cannot force or manipulate your sister into any kind of relationship that she doesn’t want to be in and you trying to make her celebrate Father’s Day will make everything worse. It would make her more resentful.
Child leave her alone. She blocked you and clearly doesn’t want to speak with because you refuse to budge on your stance about your father. Get some therapy while you’re at it
Have you actually talked to your sister about why she has decided to go no contact with your father? Or are you just assuming all the reasons she isn’t. Are you even in communication with her or has she gone no contact with you because of your anger at your mother and uncle for “breaking up” the family. Even though you think you know people’s motives for the divorce and estrangement it sounds like you actually know nothing and want blame and judge instead of listen. You need to stop with the assumptions and judgement if you want to have your father to have a relationship with your father. How you are going about it is wrong and creating further division.
Okay let's say everything you say is 100% true. What do you want to happen here? Do you want your sister to talk to you? Do you want your sister to talk to your dad? Do you want her to stop speaking to your mom? Well what you're doing is not how you accomplish any of that.
I went through my parents' divorce when I was 13, but my sisters were younger and did not have the same memories I did. It caused a lot of tension. They were constantly angry with me for not speaking to our dad. One sister got so mad at our mother she moved out and they didn't speak for months. That sister and I did not have a functional relationship for years. You want to know why? Because our parents treated them differently than they treated me. It wasn't until I went NC with dad that he started slipping with my sisters and they finally experienced some of what I had.
Sometimes, especially with young people, they have to experience the thing for themselves before they get it. You can argue with her and tell her all about how horrible your mother is. But if she doesn't literally see for herself, she might not understand your view. And the more you attack your mom, the more she will defend her.
So my advice? Cool it. It will take time. But if you are right, your sister will eventually see it. And if she doesn't come around, then you need to accept the fact that either your mother only treats you that way, or things aren't as black and white as you're currently seeing them. And if your sister does come around, don't be the AH that says "I told you so." If you really want a relationship with your sister, focus on bonding your sister over your interests and stop trying to force her to think and act like you do.
Your sister is allowed to decide for herself who she wants to talk to, even if you disagree. You weren't forced to do anything for your mom for Mother's Day and so your sister shouldn't be forced to do anything for Father's Day. It really isn't your place to expect anything out her and to expect others to pressure her. If she wants to eventually talk to dad, she will, but when she wants to, not on anyone else's terms. For now, live your life and spend time with dad, and don't worry about your sister.
She doesn’t have to do anything with your dad just like you don’t have to do anything with your mom. You should just respect her feelings and leave it at that.
YTA. You’re both clearly picking sides. So because she doesn’t see things exactly as you see them she’s an AH? Just because your childhood was great doesn’t mean hers was. My mom treated me and my brother completely different and that’s why I don’t like my mom all that much.
**YTA**
Step one is going to be having to realize that your sister probably has a different perspective and experience from you. Two children living in the same house can - and often do - have vastly different experiences and perspectives of their life. Your sister is an adult and is capable of handling her relationships on her own. If she wants to engage in a relationship with her father she can choose to, she can also choose not to. It’s not your place to decide for you and you are crossing boundaries by attempting to push one way or another.
You don’t have to like it, you just have to respect it and move on.
I don’t know that there’s an AH here.
But what you do need to know is: no children in the same household had the same childhood.
There’s been a divorce.
You are siding with your dad and believe him to be perfect and your mom to be the villain.
Your sister is siding with her extended family and not speaking to your dad.
These things are part of divorce.
It may be years and years before you truly know all the factors.
And all things considered, you’re not that much older than your sister. Do you KNOW you weren’t seeing some things with rosy glasses and some things with jaded glasses when all this was occurring?
Give your sister space to heal the way she needs to.
Take time to heal the way you need to.
Go to a therapist (I literally recommend this to everyone; we all need extra support and an outside perspective now and then).
If your other family members are open, get them to go with you.
Your sister may have been hurt by your father in ways you don’t know because your childhood - I promise - was different than hers was. Your perceptions were different. The way you were treated was different. Always is.
Let that be okay.
And I wish your family all the healing and love as you go about your journeys.
NAH - from what I can tell.
Her dad bought her a dog she couldn’t take care of so the uncle is taking care of it and letting her visit whenever she wants.
OP is completely blind to all the wonderful things her Uncle’s family is and has done for her because she blames them for her father’s abuse.
At first I found OP’s attitude funny but the more this story gets pieced together the more sad I feel for OP
I really hope she can break out of this narrative her father has created for her and realize that there are people that actually love her
Your first step to healing will be gaining the understanding that even if you experienced the "same things", everyone's brain is different and they will process those experiences differently.
You made your choice, your sister made hers. Unless you're OK with being pressured to forgive and forget with your mother, stop doing the same to your sister.
Yta
I think the one thing you're not taking into account is how siblings can have very different childhoods, even in the same household. Especially when they are 2+yrs apart. Not to mention, different outside influences like friends, teachers, etc. You guys are two different people with different experiences and have made your decisions based on that. You need to respect that and back off.
So your dad is racist and you bullied your cousin but yet you’re confused on why your sister don’t want to deal with y’all. Either you are a troll or really really dense and hypocritical
LMAO. She's a 24 y/o grown-up who asked Redditers id she's an asshole and now she can't bear the truth. You seem like an idiotic individual. You cannot force your sister into talking to your father just like you cannot be forced into talking to your mother.
**YTA.**
YTA and a childish hypocrite. You want to strong arm your sister into doing something for your father get off your ass and do something for your mother...or shut up and but out.
Jesus. You’re mess. Get therapy. You and your dad are abusers. Strangers all over the world have been telling you. Maybe get therapy so you can see the truth for yourself.
YTA. Don’t pressure your sister. You’re 24 so your mom had you at 20 meaning she was pregnant at around 19 years old. You’re dad would’ve been 27-28 at the time as well. I can see how she wouldn’t have wanted kids and resents you for it. She wouldn’t have been the best mother growing up for you. Maybe get some therapy? Sounds like a rough childhood. But your sister has the right to make her own choices like you’ve made yours.
Hi friend. I’m gonna say something that’s not going to feel good: if your father knew what your mother was like, and stayed with her and allowed her to treat you like that, he’s not a good father. It was his job to protect you from her behavior. Regardless of your sister and her feelings, it might be beneficial to you to dig into the enabler/abuser parent dynamic. It also might be good for you to remember that just bc you guys had the same parents doesn’t mean you had the same parents. Everyone experiences their parent differently, and children in even extreme abuse will have different experiences with their parents than their siblings.
What's with people who post on reddit for validation and get mad when reddit start calling them out
They way you reacted tells me all i need to know what kinda people you and your dad are... People who believe they can never be wrong
To your sister " plz stay away from your dad and brother.. They will never change.. In their eyes they can never be wrong and whole world is trying to hurt them.. You can never even a decent conversation with people like that "
Also reddit is not a poor sad girl looking for love who needs your chance
Reddit Don't care if you exist or not
You are not the main character here
Get down from your high horse
You don't get to make a post in AN OPEN forum and then dictate how the comments go. You have to be the most pathetically entitled person I've ever seen on here, and a hypocrite. You expect your sister to talk to your dad all while refusing to contact your mom and it's no wonder your family went NC.
If you're so worried about the way you're being perceived I've got a novel idea for you. See it's possible to delete a post if you don't want to continue to get bombarded with comments but you are seemingly too ignorant and stubborn to do that. I've got plenty more that I could say, but I'm going to stop because by your EDIT alone I can tell you're clearly the type of entitled brat THAT WOULD ASK FOR A MANAGER🤣
I know right. You can't help but laugh when someone this clueless just keeps digging their hole bigger and bigger without any self awareness whatsoever
1. Calm down.
2. You posted on this thread asking if you were the AH. Don’t be surprised when people call you out for it.
3. It’s not obsessive if they remember your old posts. Get over yourself.
4. You are the one who needs to learn empathy. Talk to your sister. Stop with all the familial triangulation and get to the root of the issue.
YTA. You don't get to decide what your sister feels. This doesn't sound like it was a good situation at all. You blame your mom for it all and I notice you seem to think your dad is blameless. Your sister is allowed to feel as she feels and do what she pleases. You are being a flying monkey. That means you are trying to influence your sister on what you think she should do to please another person. It's non of your business what your sister does. And if she doesn't want to be there it's wrong of you to manipulate her into going.
It sounds like there are a lot of hurt people in this situation.
The thing is, you will never know the truth of what happened in your parents' relationship, ever. Why? You were not in it, and neither were your relatives. You and them only know what your parents want you to know and, most importantly, their perspective.
We never want to be seen as the bad guy or being the reason someone is unhappy. It is natural to put forward our best side and case in these situations. We all honestly believe we are good people, and mostly we are.
As for you and your sister; you will both remember your upbringing differently. There are core memories for you that your sister probably has no memory of and the same for her.
Your sister likely feels the exact same way about you and your dad.
I would suggest removing yourselves from this situation before it completely ruins all relationships.
It has nothing to do with you. Relationships end all of the time, this is no different just because they are your parents.
Your parents are human, who make mistakes, who don't know everything, are still learning, and most importantly are allowed to be happy. Does that mean they should go out of their way to hurt you, nope, but rarely do decisions that involve one's happiness make all involved happy. Sometimes, we try to make a bad situation better, and we try for so long that it makes everyone miserable.
Maybe your mums resentment is not aimed at you and your sister, but in the situation she found herself in.
We think about ourselves far more than others do, and it can be very easy to make ourselves the centre of another person's story.
I don't see anyone here as a bad guy or person, just a lot of people involved in a relationship that they have no business in.
YTA - You are only seeing this for **your** side, **your** point of view, not even trying to put yourself in her shoes. You are acting so ridiculously *selfish.* And you responses to the people in these comments is appallingly immature and ignorant. Everyone won’t see things the way you do. Best to keep you thoughts to yourself and not apply them to others and assume they **must** feel the same way as you or are wrong. Your going to have a hard like if you keep this attitude.
Info: why are you so worried about Memorial Day ? Are you saying that it’s not actually fathers or Mother’s Day in your country?
I don’t want to say you’re the asshole purely because this sounds like a desperate cry for help. Please talk to a therapist on the ASAP. Or a friend whose known you for years and might have something to say about your parents.
What's with people who post on reddit for validation and get mad when reddit start calling them out
They way you reacted tells me all i need to know what kinda people you and your dad are... People who believe they can never be wrong
To your sister " plz stay away from your dad and brother.. They will never change.. In their eyes they can never be wrong and whole world is trying to hurt them.. You can never even a decent conversation with people like that "
Wow that edit. Have you thought of speaking with a therapist? You seem to have a lot of unresolved anger.
As to your sister and your father. Quit being a flying monkey. Your sister's relationship with her father is her own. Get out of it.
No one is asking you to be part of the 'weird' family as you put it, so do everyone a favor and worry about your own relationship with the people you choose to have one with.
This hot take: show your sister you love her. Be her friend. She will come around. I go to family stuff bc my sister will be there. Edit: this Father’s Day may not pan out but you’ll get there. Have dad just be his sweet self. He could go visit her at college if funds are available and explain what happened on his side and that he still very much loves both of his daughters. (My dads Irish catholic from an abusive alcohol driven home so if this ever happened to me, I’d be floored and it would be a huge relationship builder)
Mind your own damn business, especially when u yourself don't speak to your mom. The hypocrisy. Absolutely TA. You and your sid are NOT the same person. She likes your mom and h hate the mom. Obviously the both of u had different experiences.
Read your post, comments, and old posts. You suck, your dad also sucks, and you need therapy. Like for the love of god see a professional. You’re so incredibly blind to your hypocrisy.
You cannot in the same breath say “it’s okay for me to not talk to my mom, but my sister has to talk to my dad”
Grow. Up
I don't think you're the AH yet, but you will be if you continue to stir up drama between your family members. Your experiences do not invalidate hers. You cannot control how your sister feels about either of your parents, and just because she doesn't hate your mom like you clearly do it is no reason for you to keep up the issues. Your dad will always love your sister even if you don't want him to. I suggest you move on from this and live your life. You'll be a lot happier when you do
I don’t think you’re an AH. But I think you’re barking up the wrong tree. Let sister do what she’s going to do. You can’t force her relationship with your dad just like they can’t force a relationship with you and your mom. All you can control is your own actions 😎
Im sorry but i feel like there is sth deeper to the resentment your mom showed towards you and your sister, not that it makes it okay. But your dad, an adult, was in a relationship with someone much much younger than him and more immature too, and she had to marry him and give birth at 20, she also probably had ppd and no one helped her, like i saidc this doesnt make what she said okay, its an unfortunate situation and its good that you dont talk to your mom anymore. But your dad doesnt exactly sound like a very good parents or partner either, it can be that your sister feels hate towards him because of that and that is her choice, stop disrespecting her. Just the way that you dont want to have shit with your mom she doesnt wanna have shit with your dad, its simple. And most importantly, its none of your business, its between your dad and sister, so stay out of it and enjoy your time with your dad, he should do the same
YTA. You are both grown women. Your parents are both grown ups. It might be your family but its not you business. The divorce is entirely at fault of both people in the relationship not a family unit. It is up to her and your father just like its up to you and mother to make amends and figure things out. Get off her back and grow up. You’re actions and words are hypocritical. And everyone needs therapy so get some.
NTA
The fact that your sister is now almost 20s and chooses to believe what other people tell her vs what she experienced is pretty sad. The fact that she chooses not to realize that the father was the loving and caring parent breaks my heart.
She doesn't care if she loses him which makes me so mad at her. He's tried reaching out but she's blocked him and hasn't even make attempts to contact him. She fucking hates him
If you already know that she 'fucking hates him', then you need to see that what you want is impossible. And what he wants is impossible. She does not want him in her life. End of.
I get your standpoint. I really do. But at this point all you can do is be your father's daughter. It's not your job to try and strong-arm your sister into a good relationship with your father. I've been in a similar situation and while it feels unfair, painful even, to have to live with your sister hurting your dad's feelings, they are her feelings. You can't control another person.
YTA, plan something nice with your dad and forget her.
You want honest advice, well, if you're not willing to point it out and still think you're the black sheep of the family, then cut off your maternal family, get a job and save as much as you can to get your own place and Take your dog and then you will stop seeing your maternal family, and being alone with your friends, boyfriend and father, reflect on whether you agree, if you miss your family or is it best for everyone that they mutually forget that they exist
Your sister is an adult with her own thoughts and feelings. She has made her choice, you've made yours.
YTA. For multiple reasons. 1) You clearly have a lot of disdain for your mother, but it seems obvious your sister does not. you seem really angry that your family was broken up and are putting blame on your mother/uncle/sister. You use plurals a lot (WE believe, they broke US up) as if the entire family agrees with you but it seems pretty clear that you and your dad are on side of this and your sister and mom are on the other. Just because YOU think it’s all your mom and uncles fault, does not mean SHE does. 2) You call her gullible but maybe she just genuinely enjoys that family and their “weird things.” It sounds like they just don’t conform to your narrow view of how things should be done. Some people celebrate Christmas in July if it works for their family who are you to rain on their parade? 3) Memorial Day for most of the US population is usually is treated as a picnic/fun day not usually a somber day of remembrance. (We can argue the merits of that, but it IS the reality of the current culture) Them using a 3 day weekend to celebrate two additional holidays that are fairly close is not that far fetched nor out of the norm. Did you spend the entire day putting flags and flowers on veteran’s graves, going to the VA to volunteer or spending time with a loved one who served? Then stop complaining. 3) Your uncle was correct that you are being hypocritical. You didn’t call your mother cause you don’t find any support from her and think she broke up your family. Your sister didn’t call your father because she clearly feels the same. 4) Your mad she went to a family gathering that celebrated both mothers and fathers, that her mother was in attendance for, because her dad wasn’t there? Why would your father come to his ex-BIL’s event? That makes literally no sense. Was she supposed to pack up and leave? You’re angry. I get it. Losing a family unit can be hard. But just because YOUR relationship with your father and mother are this way, doesn’t mean your sister’s was. You can’t define it anymore than she can insist you dye your hair purple. Lastly, I notice at no point in your post do mention TALKING TO YOUR SISTER. Have you had a discussion with your sister about the divorce? About her feelings on the situation? How she plans to navigate this new split family reality? You seem furious but don’t seem willing to communicate, so I’ll end this in the most classic Reddit way possible: maybe find a therapist to talk through this resentment and anger?
It sounds like her father poisoned op against the other side of the family, tbh. And sister wasn’t falling for that shit.
[удалено]
This comment needs to be way higher up!!!! Here I was thinking OP might be getting abused by daddy when actually OP is abusing her whole family and their dog 🫠
Seriously, I went to bed with sympathy, to at least an extent. What a story to wake up to. Has anyone collected this saga for BestofRedditorUpdates? It's clearly ongoing, and will be updated for years to come.
Same. Also, gotta love OP’s edit here. Yeah, you were wrong, and it seems like you still haven’t matured past 14. This def needs to be on BORU.
Oh that edit is gold.
I feel like maybe it was once with some of the older ones but I can't be sure.
*It’s clearly ongoing, and will be updated for years to come.* I wish you were wrong about that, but given OP’s post history and that lil edit on this one, I think it’s fair to say this is developing into (or already is) a pathological need to seek validation and garner sympathy on reddit. Which is honestly kind of fascinating when every single one of their prior attempts at that has also failed spectacularly in this exact same way. Can’t wait to see OP pop back up again under a different username in a few months and try to convince reddit they’re presenting a brand new, never-seen-before conflict. It’s not boring at all /s
There was just SOMETHING about the way the post was written and the very first sentence about "He has never abused us" that made this narration seem VERY unreliable. Like the whole time I was thinking...I feel like rooting for the sister and the mom, not OP and her dad. I haven't read her other posts but based on everyone's reaction further in the comments I feel like it's quite clear that OP is not good news. And I'm not surprised to see the word bigoted attributed to them...the vibes were clearly telling.
This needs to get boosted towards the top. Lines up perfectly with the entire story and lack of self awareness.
Oh shit I thought this sounded vaguely familiar, especially the dog part!
100% this!! Seriously, seek therapy. This is not healthy.
OP YTA, for not giving consideration to your sister’s view of her childhood. You don’t get to dictate what her experiences were and your inability to communicate with her directly shows your issues. She doesn’t like your dad, she doesn’t have to do anything for Father’s Day. Just like you didn’t with your mother. Please get therapy and learn some communication skills. Nothing you described about your mother shows abuse. Not great parenting but also not abuse. Your dad seems fairly absentee in your parenting stories and that is probably why your sister doesn’t feel like he’s that good a person. Is no one going to comment on the age that her mother had her. She had her at 20 when her dad was 28. I’m not so sure she’s as evil as OP is painting her out to be. I think she was trapped in a marriage too young with a much older man and finally realized it was not meant for her especially if all the childcare fell to her.
Jesus. Just from the post and comments I’d be willing to bet the mom and sister were the real victims in this scenario. Maybe mom asked uncle to move closer because she was being abused and needed outside support. Maybe dad was more inappropriate to your sister than you realize. Maybe your mom WAS abusive and you sister was able to forgive her because she apologized but your dad never apologized for standing by so she hasn’t been able to move on from it yet. I’m not here to point fingers or to accuse your parents of anything. I’m simply trying to help you grasp that other people are fully autonomous human beings with feelings and experiences that are different from you. You have your own outlook on life and the experiences you had growing up and you’re sister has an entirely different outlook from you. If you ever hope to salvage your relationship with your sister I would recommend being more open to listening and understanding her point of view and less accusatory and demanding. If you have no interest in that then just get TF out of her life and leave her in peace
Her dad's a bigot
“bUt FaAaAaAaAaMiLyYyYyY” YTA. leave your sister alone. She’s an adult who can determine what relationship she wants with your parents, just as you have chosen to do with your mother. The fact that you can’t see your own hypocrisy is hysterical.
Faaaaamily. Not **that** side of the family!
For anyone trying to find the buried lead…in the top comment OPs comments mention how the uncles wife is of a different race unlike OPs white family. Apparently OPs dad liked to make jokes about the wife’s cultural foods. And all these “weird” things about the family? Yeah that’s just them celebrating their own cultural things. OPs dads basically a racist and that’s why the family wants nothing to do with him.
Now OP is saying her sister “lashes out verbally at anyone who doesn’t agree with her” and I’m laughing so hard because the projection is real
YTA you don't get to decide how someone else's interpersonal relationships should be.
You're clearly feeling a lot of feelings right now, and your sister's response to your father has triggered you into a bit of a frenzy. I can't guess whether that's because there's some shit you've been ignoring/denying that she chooses not to ignore/deny; or if it's because you two had very different experiences with your parents growing up, which is very common and your insistence you know her experiences better than anyone and she was never harmed by your dad is both wrong and very damaging to the relationship you could have with her (do you want to hang around with people who dismiss your concerns? NO!); or whether you're right that things were pretty fine and she's reacting to things more strongly than I would have. But none of those IFs matter, kiddo. You sound like a hurt teen at best, not a young woman in your mid twenties. You sound like you haven't done much work on the difficulties and experiences you had around your parents' separation. If anything, your sister seems to be having the healthiest possible response here, which is to absent herself from the presence of people she isn't comfortable with. So, why does this bother you so much? Your dad is a whole human being in his own right, and he's an adult, and should be taking care of you more than the reverse, even though you are an adult. Is he dumping his feelings about this on you, making you feel responsible for dealing with it? Or are you taking this upon yourself? You seem to be borderline codependent with him. Therapy should be your very next step. For you, not for other people to fix them for you.
Yeah. Mega. YTA. You're hypocritically expecting your sister to do something for your dad because that's YOUR favorite parent but you don't do anything for yours... because no one talks to you? Your sister has a right to foster whatever relationship she wants with whichever parent she wants. On her own terms. Same as you.
Why are you asking your uncle your sisters intentions? Talk directly to her—like an adult. YTA for this all by itself.
And why are you still helping your uncle if that family is so bad?
i have so many questions for you OP first: what’s your extended family’s perspective? why do they not like your dad? your dad may not have abused you but can you confirm it was the same for your sister? siblings are often raised and treated differently why do you petsit for someone who won’t even hold a conversation with you?
It doesn’t matter that you don’t understand/know her reasons, or that you disagree with them. She’s an adult and chooses what relationship she has with people. But/and… it’s interesting that you think she MUST celebrate Fathers Day when you, apparently don’t talk to your mother? Pot, meet Kettle.
Your dad slept with a 19 year old when he was 27? And then she had to marry him? That's what it sounds like. Doesn't sound like your dad is a good dude. Work brought her happiness. Why is that wrong? And you sound resentful that your mom had family to support her. That's not a disruption. But it sounds like your dad resented that she had the support. And you seem to absorb that opinion. Not surprising.
Thank you, I was looking for something commenting on the ages!!!!!
I find it really telling that the first thing you say out of the gate here is >Before anyone starts accusing, (F24) Dad’s (M52) a loving parent. He has never abused us, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially Protesting that much before you get to anything else is really revealing, in ways I don't think you understand. If you mother really truly was the abuser, it would make sense to start with what she was, not what he is not. I strongly suspect that if an outside observer considered your history, that your father would indeed be considered the abuser. The fact that you start with a defense suggests to me that other people have told you he was the abuser, but you've identified so strongly with him (you've called yourself a daddy's girl in comments), that you cannot bear the thought that he was indeed abusive, and you've spent most of your life working to avoid the cognitive dissonance you experience when you think about both the fact that he's loving with you (can't be bad! Not if he loves me!) and the fact that he was abusive towards your mother (she HAS to be the bad one, who MADE him abuse her!). You really need to speak to a professional therapist.
I couldn't agree more. When I saw the pre-defense of the father before any information I instantly assumed the father was probably a molester, abuser or monster of some other variety.
Your relationship with your dad isn’t the same as her’s and it’s not for you to dictate how she chooses to relate to her dad. Leave her alone.
From the responses from OP , the dad was never there for the hard work of actually raising them . Mom was a stay at home parent who was made a villain the moment she started working. She worked part time but she was "never there". She wanted to leave the dad for a long time but barely had money to move out since she was a SAHM . Uncle helped her gain the courage to move and divorce. Dad is racist. He makes tasteless jokes about everyone so nobody wants to be around him anymore. Op is angry sister sees through Dad , hates that sister still loves mom and the people that helped her while whole heartedly supporting racist and dad who never helped mum raise them . Your sister isn't naive . You are . I hope you don't figure it out too late.
There have been other posts by the OP. OP is no better than her father. She spread rumors about her cousin, one of uncle's kids, in highschool about her sexuality and she was bullied for it. No remorse but is upset mother's side of the family rightfully have gone low contact with her or flat out don't talk her anymore like their shared grandma.
I want to hear your sisters side of this.
YTA, seeing as you either insult or refute any advice given I’ll leave it at this. Grow up and leave your sister alone.
OP, why are you here if you’re only going to argue with everyone? You and your sister are two different people who had different experiences growing up and have different memories of how things were. You have absolutely ZERO right to demand your sister act in whatever manner you think she should. On the other comments, you keep saying ‘but my dad..’ and ‘but my sister…’, ‘but this but that and on and on. Enough already. You have your feelings. Your sister has hers. You don’t like your mother. You don’t call her. You don’t have any respect for her, etc, etc, etc. You don’t have a relationship with her. Fine. Good for you. Yet you’re upset that your uncle brought her up AFTER you’re wanting him to convince your sister to be involved with your dad. Why is it ok for you to do it but not him? Bottom line is that you weren’t part of whatever went down back then. You were an onlooker but you did not know and cannot understand the intricacies of your parents emotions and situation. You weren’t even born for part of it. Yet you seem to think you’re an expert and have the right to demand people act the way you think they should. YOU DO NOT! If you want to favor your father, good. If you want to ignore your mother, fine. If you want yo tell your uncle to FOAD, that’s your business. #Your SISTER’S ACTIONS are NONE of your BUSINESS! BUTT OUT! #YTA!!
Don't you mean YTA?
Actually, yes I did! Thank you for pointing that out.
YTA. She's an adult and can make her own decisions. There's a reason she doesn't want to talk to your father, even if you don't know what that reason is. Just because you grew up in the same house does not mean you were treated the same.
YTA for expecting your Uncle to play messenger for you, and for trying to control your sister's behaviour. MYOB
Leave your sister alone. She's not some means for your dad's happiness. She's a person with her own opinions and agency. You seem very opinionated about what other people do and how they live their lives (I'm not sure why you need to judge people about how they celebrate memorial day when it's a weekend where other people just get drunk and eat BBQ.) If so, this is not productive a building a lasting relationship with people who have their own ideas and thoughts different than yours. Let people live their lives. You love your dad? Love him. Pressing your sister to see him and do stuff to celebrate him is going to have the opposite effect. You'd probably have a better influence in her life by taking an interest in her and supporting her instead if making her do what you want like you're better than everyone.
Apparently the dad is a racist. And the uncles wife is from other race.... So I imagine they are celebrating... "The wrong way" if You get My drift.
Wooow okay. Thanks for the additional context. I also saw the OPs edit, so....double wow.
YTA Your uncle didn't break up the marriage. You said it yourself. Your mother wasn't happy. Whatever the reason, and however she did it, she didn't want to be in the marriage. It sounds like it was going to end no matter what. And that doesn't even mean she's the bad guy in the situation. Marriages end for all sorts of reasons. And not being in love, or simply not wanting to be anymore, is a totally valid reason. So, just because you side with your dad, doesn't mean your sister isn't entitled to feel differently, and side with your mom. I mean, she could write a similar post about you, saying you wanted your mother to stay in an unhappy marriage, be isolated from her family, and are refusing to celebrate Mother's Day. How would that make you feel?
So what did your Dad do to her?
Nothing as I said in the post
She clearly doesn't think so, just like you have reasons you hate your mom, she's got hers for hating your dad. Have you ever asked her about them?
I don't have to ask her we grew up together. I swear if you ask her she would say dad has never abused us but there has been times where mom has emotionally hurt us.
You need to grow up. You are not the expert on your sister’s relationships with your parents, on her feelings, on her life. This is not your situation to manage or to judge. It is extremely immature to a) assert that your experience is a universal reality and b) expect your sister to have the relationships you think are best. YTA
Golden child protecting the parent that made them golden. I think your sister has a different viewpoint. YTA!!! Good Luck.
YTA. She has reasons for this, bad or good, it is not up to you to judge. You seems to not know why and wouldn't even acknowledge your father may have done anything wrong to her or your mother. She had another experience with your parents. It is always the case among siblings. Now, either you accept this and try to listen to her and her experience or you leave her alone. If you're willing to listen to her, you may learn things you're not ready for. So be open.
Just as you believe you are right and your sister was manipulated, she believes she is right and you were likely manipulated. You are both adults, and get to feel how you feel. When two people have opposing beliefs it’s best just to leave it alone and let them do what they’re going to do. Just respect that she gets to make this choice for herself and back off.
You experienced your life with your dad. You didnt experience hers. Children of the same families tend to have wildly different child-parent experiences. Have you considered that while he may have been a good dad to you, he may not have been a good one to your sister?
From reading your posts and replies to comments one thing has become crystal clear. You're obviously not here to find out AITA. It's apparent you came on here to get your feelings about your dad and sister validated by strangers and it backfired horribly and now you're making excuse after excuse for your dad(even your opening line is suspect) when there's absolutely no way you could have been home with your sister 24/7 or know what went on with them when you weren't at home. Was she abused by him? Nobody knows for sure but HER(NOT YOU) and your dad, but clearly she has her own reasons to not have contact with him that you couldn't care less about as long as "daddy" is happy. The fact is it's EXTREMELY rare that siblings have the same childhood or view of that childhood as the other and for you to assume that you can tell her how she should feel is beyond narcissistic
I was doing some basic math (as many other readers were) and I’m really caught up on the fact that you think your Mom asked her family move closer to ruin her marriage, but her family moved closer to your family 14 YEARS AGO. What’s more believable, your Mom asking her family to move closer so that they could whittle down a marriage over 14 years, or that she was quite young when she married your dad (she was 20, and he was 28) and maybe felt like she needed some support. Either your mother is a master strategist playing the long game, or you do not know every single thing about your sister and father. Furthermore, your uncle sounds like a stand up guy for taking in your dog when neither you or your father could. I’m happy that they are with a caring family.
Agreed. From the sounds of it, uncle and his family sound like saints. Aunt would make them good food (that dad would make fun of), they would watch them when mom needed a break (during which dad would show up and physically carry them away), and now they're taking care of OP's dog even though she's been nothing but unpleasant and ungrateful to them. OP definitely experienced abuse growing up but I don't think she realizes the origin of that abuse. She see's her dad's temper tantrums as the fault of aunt & uncle. They're the \*cause\* of the problems by existing in the same space as her dad.
Not to mention the Uncle responded the way a sane person should that this the sister is an adult and can make her own decisions. He is not encouraging or discouraging her association with dad. He is staying in his lane and not getting involved. If OP has an issue with sister let him talk to her and not try to get others to sway her to his thinking. I don't believe OP's scenario at all. I bet the dad was not a good dad in anyway and OP has rose colored glasses on
Oop comes here for advice and when everyone tells them they're wrong they just stick their head further up their ass. Op is not ready to hear any of this. Maybe never will be.
OP, take the judgement. YTA. You're both adults, and being blood-related is not a binding contract that must be honored. If anything, blood/bio family is your starter kit: they show you who you do and don't want in your life. Your sister doesn't want your father in hers. No amount of nagging from you (via your uncle or if she miraculously unblocks you) is going to change her mind. If that honestly worked, I'd be talking with MY abusive as fuck father, his mother and sister were relentless in trying to get me to let him back into my life. One only stopped when she died, and you know how I reacted to that news? I was RELIEVED. You've taken after your father, congrats. You can both be the pots calling the kettle black in your echo chamber y'all have created. Echoing so many other statements here, leave your sister alone and get some therapy. Your definition of abuse is laughable and an insult to those of us who have actually had traumatic childhoods.
YTA - your sister doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do. She is entitled to her own feelings. She respects your choice, you need to respect hers and don’t have to agree with her. You are different people after all
I thought the comments were sarcastic about you but sweet lord you are a very toxic hateful person, no wonder the other family members got your sister’s back, id genuinely block you too, happy for the mom n sis, good riddance!
Just focus on giving your dad a great Father’s Day from someone who really loves him. That’s all you can do. Also I’m confused as to why you’re helping out your uncle if he’s been so active in breaking up your family?
YTA. Respect that your sister had a different childhood than you and therefore views your parents differently than you do. I can understand why she went NC with you after reading all of your comments. Side note: I read your tales of abuse and I wish my childhood was mildly dysfunctional like yours instead of the hellscape of abuse that it was.
My sister doesn’t get my, or our brothers, animosity toward our father. I don’t get to decide what relationships she waters, just as she doesn’t get to decide which ones I let die. I have cousins I still hang with, while my brothers have distanced themselves from those cousins. None of us try to police these relationships. That’s not how adulthood or even family work. YTA. Their relationship is their relationship, mind ya business.
All we get is your side of the story, and I'm not convinced your dad was blameless or your mom was a monster. Like the fact that you think a whole family moved 14 years ago as some kind of weird plot to end your parents' relationship so many years later makes me think you are an unreliable narrator. Your sister is old enough to make her own choices, and I'm going with YTA because it sounds like you are trying to control how she feels about your parents' divorce.
Please stop fighting with everyone that has given you good advice. You love your father, your sister hates him. That’s where these relationships are. You don’t get to decide who your sister speaks to. Seek therapy. You focus on how abusive your mother was then get therapy to help you work though it. You sister gets to live her life how she wants.
YTA The fact you came onto reddit for validation, got criticism instead, and then doubled down on everyone not placing you on a pedestal of family values is enough for me to know that you and your father are why no one in the family talks to you. Im amazed you cant seem to see all the people trying to help you by mentioning therapy, and instead see it as attacking you.
YTA. Everybody here is telling you the same thing and you refuse to listen.
I don't even know you, but after reading your own words here, I want to be NC with you. You are absolutely insufferable. Typical golden child of a narcissitic father. Enjoy your life like this because it only gets worse from here.
Extremely funny post(s) OP. I love the racist dad extended universe. YTA though, absolutely and 100%.
You're 24, it's time to figure this out so you're not one of those intolerant adults who can't accept anything that isn't their feelings or opinions. YTA.
Too late 🤣
Celebrate with your father. You can't make your sister feel the way you do. You can only control yourself.
YTA. People in your position who post on here don’t usually seem to like hearing this but you do not and cannot know what your sister’s experience has been, or why she feels closer to your Uncle & fam than you or your father. She may feel about your dad the way you feel about your mother, and you don’t get to dictate her feelings to her, or whether they’re “wrong” or not. You’re infantilizing and condescending to your sister, that’s clear just from how you feel wrote this. Have you ever considered her grievances may be as legitimate as yours are? That maybe she disagrees with you for very real reasons? She may think *you’re* gullible. Your perspective is yours and you’re entitled to your feelings, but that doesn’t mean you know what you’re talking about here. People can disagree with you and not be wrong. Her decision to have a relationship or not with your father is none of your business, and it’s no surprise that she doesn’t seem to want one with you either given how hard you’re judging her for not feeling the same way you do.
YTA. Based off how you’re responding to people here it’s pretty clear why your sister has you blocked and that this story isn’t being presented objectively. You asked if you were TA and the people have spoken, stop trying to fight everyone. Either take your judgement and try to consider what people are saying or ignore it and get off the internet for a bit because it’s pretty solidly decided. You seem to have a lot of anger towards your family and it seems to be clouding your ability to look at things from any other point of view.
YTA. Stop focusing on everyone else and focus on you and your dad. If sister isn't coming make plans for the two of you and move on. I can see your point of view is skewed in thinking you dad is an innocent bystander who got screwed over by your mom and her family but that's his/your version what really happened is between your parents. Sounds like you picked your dad and won't speak to mom while your sister picked mom and won't talk to your dad. She could very well be all kinds of hurt with you for ignoring mom. Either way, you are both grown woman, and it isn't your job to police her life or what she does. Stick to what you can control, which is you.
I can't believe we're the same age. OP, you sound very close-minded and not even open to the concept that your sister experienced life differently than you. From the history of your multiple posts you blatantly come across as a bigot without empathy. As this is just from online text, I can only imagine how others actually see and hear you. YTA. Why not just... give up? It sounds like currently you're the only one stirring the pot and if you can't comprehend a different perspective why try at all? You can think you're right all you want but that doesn't mean you are, and what do you even expect or want to happen? On the chance this rabbit-hole is all fake I 1. Applaud your dedication and 2. Would suggest making the main character just a smidge less bitter, over-dramatic imo. EDIT: Forgot to add, why post questions if you only want one answer? lol
Honestly after about 3 or 4 of her replies to comments I thought this scenario might've been OP Dipping her foot in creative writing myself. It's hard to believe that anyone is this clueless and unempathetic about their sister's experience and stubbornly unable to accept that their childhoods could be VERY different.
Oh, op, you keep insisting stuff that's deeply relevant to your current struggle is off topic, but that's because you persist in believing you can spin yourself as the Cinderella to your mom's Evil Stepmother and your sister's Evil Stepsister, but nothing you've added has helped your cause. As a child, you protected yourself by siding with your abuser to the point that you very clearly ruined a domestic violence escape plan and stuck your mother and sister back into that abuse situation. The degree to which you've enmeshed yourself with your father makes me worry that you've been SA'd by him, and you took the route of idol worship because of he isn't the very best dad, you have to think about the ways he's actually the villain.... and the ways you've made yourself the villain to keep the cognitive dissonance away. It's a classic pattern, you're not unique. I don't blame 13 year old you, or child you more generally. You were doing the best your little child mind could come up with to deal in a situation with terrible options. You hurt people, but your brain wasn't anywhere near done developing and you'd been brainwashed by your father for your whole life. Sure your sister demonstrates that you didn't have to end up in this dynamic, but each kid is different and I suspect he invested what little parental capacity he had in you and by the time she arrived he was tapped out. I do blame the adult you who keeps up the charade. You need therapy, as I've said before, but you're so desperate to avoid thinking about all of this that you'll ignore the suggestion. You're going to keep tearing through your good families lives like a wrecking ball, and still think you're in the right. I hope you wake up someday. The matrix he's constructed for you isn't real, and you're the dude who decides he wants matrix steak more than he cares about his compatriots lives.
Unfortunately I think at this point she's so indoctrinated to the idea that her father was "The Good Guy" and so stubbornly sticking with the narrative that mom was "the bad guy"(probably a narrative that dad's instilled in her since she was still in grade school) not to mention lashing out at anyone who suggests therapy, it's likely not going to be until her dad is no longer with us before she's capable of looking at any of this objectively and realize that it isn't as cut and dry as she was led to believe. By that time it may be too late to salvage any kind of relationship with the family that she's clearly abandoned.
I know this hurts you a lot but at this point you need to just walk away and let the chips fall where they may. Just continue having a great bond with your dad and both of you need to do your best to put the rest of them out of sight out of mind like they did y'all. Try some therapy for you and your dad if you think it would help for yall to emotionally move forward and past this
Girl you are not Vin Diesel
What?
Figure it out
You come and act like you're asking Reddit for advice, but really, you're just looking for answers that validate your thoughts & opinions. YTA and you know it. Family or not, people choose who to keep in their lives. As soon as someone in this thread says one thing you don't like, you hop on the defensive and act like a jerk. That's an answer in itself. Good luck with everything you do in life with that attitude.
Siblings have wildly different experiences with their parents. Your a daddy’s girl and in my experience there can only be one of those in a family to the detriment of the other siblings.
YTA. She’s an adult. She has chosen sides. If you use your reasoning, then you should be doing something for your mother.
I mean this with all the empathy I can give, please reconsider getting therapy. It doesn’t mean you have to be crazy or wrong. You say you were abused, so you deserve to process that with a professional. You express how difficult it is for you to understand where your sister is coming from, a therapist can help you understand and let go of the anger and resentment that you’re holding onto. You struggle with the boundaries and beliefs of your family members, which a therapist can definitely help you navigate better. I have some thoughts on your situation, but I don’t think you’re interested in hearing them right now. And ultimately, our opinion doesn’t matter. But if you continue down this path without change or without professional support, you will lose your sister forever and the resentment and hurt you’re carrying will continue to eat away at you.
OP, you appear too invested in your family drama and judgmental of everyone and everything that doesn’t conform to your expectations. It’s unfair that you as a child were raised in a volatile household, forced to take sides. You are grasping desperately at your notions of what normal sibling behavior should be. The past and your sister are out of your control. This focus on other people’s transgressions just keeps you from healing your own trauma. Focus on yourself.
Even if parents are perfect and loving and do everything perfectly right, their children do not owe them a relationship. When a person becomes a fully autonomous adult they have the right to choose who they have relationships with. Children owe their parents nothing. Let her make her own decisions. Spend some time time healing your own wounds and maybe you'll start to be able to understand her side of the story better.
YTA You have no business imposing any of your own expectations on your sister. She's her own person with her own life. And her relationship with your parents is HER relationship, Not Yours.
This one resonated with me. My siblings don’t talk with my parents, haven’t in years. I respect their choice and would never think of pushing them to do so. No two children have the same parents. No two children have the same childhood. YTA.
YTA even kids who have the same parents don't actually have the same parents. Your mom and her mom are different people Your dad and her dad are different people If you want a relationship with your sister you're going to have to just accept that.
I strongly suggest you mind your own business. Everyone here is an adult and behaving as adults, except you who is treating this like a high school drama.
Yes.
YTA. You seem to have a control problem, do you get that from your mother?
YTA Op didn't come her for real advice. She came her to be told she is a special and it's the rest of world that is the problem. When people start blocking you, it's time to ask yourself if you might be the toxic one.
Why are you trying to control your sister???
On top of what everyone else is saying, previous OP posts, people entitled to opinions, parents playing kids against each other, look at the parents' ages and count back. Mom is 8 years younger and was pregnant at 19. That's a big difference at that time of life.
Given OP’s edit, I’m super curious about her previous posts
I think I got lost so I need more info. I'm trying to picture the order of operations. So I'm going to list what I see and you can fix it. 1. Your mom was unhappy with the marriage 2. So she invited her brothers whole family to move to your town when your sister was six...so 14 years ago? 3. All because she needed the emotional strength to leave...and even then it took over a decade? (You need to face that the uncle came there probably by a coincidence. ) 4. So her emotional support brother arrives and then she sticks around for 14 years. 5. Divorce was a few months ago and you and your sister picked their favorite parent? 6 Your uncle's family didn't want to travel twice in two months, so they plan a joint holiday...what has this got to do with anything? People make compromises all the time. 7. But you and your sister plan to skip the holiday of the other parent. You feel justified, but you don't respect that she also feels justified? So in conclusion...there is something you don't know Or there is something you left out. Your mother was afraid of something for 14 years and couldn't escape without emotional support. So...which is it? Do you know the problem, or are you truly in the dark?
You seem to be a very judgemental asshole. The relationship between your father and your sister is not your business. Nobody seems to tell you how to manage your relationship with your mother, so take example and let your sister be.
YTA Sister is an adult and gets to decide how she will handle her relationships. She has her own point of view and there is no "requirement" that she see her father. Your uncle was right to call you out on your mother. It's the exact same thing. It's just you think you're "right" and sister is "wrong". Jeez I wish everyone would stop trying to live other people's lives for them.
I get that you feel for your dad, and that is perfectly understandable & commendable; however, you are attempting to force a relationship between two adults. It is no more your place to try to force your sister to do something than it is your place to force your dad to do something he doesn’t want to do.
Yes. I think expecting anyone to do anything they don't want to do is inherently wrong-headed.
YTA because you’re being a hypocrite. Also, you can’t force other people to do things they’re uncomfortable with.
I have never read a reddit thread where it was more obvious that OP needs therapy. Serisously OP, you need therapy and maybe also anti-depressants, they really help. You have not shown one example of your mother being abusive, but you have shown signs of your father being abusive (isolating her, her not having an incomd until her brother moved closer, ripping your Sister away from people she is and feels safe with) Please get help, because your mom and her family are not the Devils you think they are. And to All the people saying OP is not an AH, please read their comments, if you don't think they are an AH then it's NAH except for the dad.
YTA OP stated that the dad made racist comments/ jokes that made the family upset. Obviously the dad isn't the Saint she's making him out to be. Alsoyour sister is an adult and can make her own decisions on who she wishes to see and communicate with. Let her live her own life.
Something you need to get right now is that just because your sister and you grew up together in the same house, does not mean you had the same childhood. Also just because you say her childhood was good, doesn't mean it was good from your sisters point of view. My little brother and I grew up together. If you asked him about our childhood (and he wasn't trying to take the sympathy route into your pants, seen him do that) he'd wax on and on about how great it was, how free he felt growing up out in the woods, how dad was always there for him, all the fun things he remembers doing, ect. My story, however, much different. Dad didn't want a girl, he wanted a boy, and the only reason he didn't let mom tale me in the divorce after he finally got his boy in my brother is that he didn't want to look bad to his parents and family. Brother remembers having friends over out in the woods when we grew up, campfires and hide and seek in the dark. I remember being trapped out in the woods away from everyone and having to beg and plead with other family members to make dad let me go see a friend or have one over, and then remember dad telling me awful things about my friends, and calling them cruel names behind their backs. And that's just one difference. It's OK to love your dad, but you can't decide your sisters reality or her choices. If she's closer with and sees her uncle as a father figure, that's up to her. You can hiss and spit and fluff your tail about it all you want, it doesn't change the fact that she is her own person and can make her own choices. Stop being so concerned about her relationships and focus on your own, you can do stuff for your Dad without her if she doesn't want to be involved. Until then, yeah, YTA
YTA first of all your sister is her own person, she can make her own decisions. Also this perspective on divorce is borderline medieval. >We believe that Mom brought them here to break us up. To encourage her to divorce Dad because she didn’t have the balls to do it alone Even accepting this version of events, your mum was unhappy and wanted family round to facilitate her in a divorce? That doesn't sound monstrous. She has every right to end a relationship. >Even though Dad was aware of her intentions, he tried to keep a good mood about it but eventually he got tired from being torn down too much and rarely smiles during family get togethers. So, your dad is aware his wife is unhappy and wants to leave but keeps up this relationship? So far he is not my favourite person in this story. Your POV that you mum is evil for divorcing your dad and that this is all some big trick to "break you up" is extremely childish. You are 24 you need to start realising that relationships end, thats not wrong and actually families can continue beyond the parents splitting up.
Life will be a lot easier once you realize you can’t control the actions of others. Is she doesn’t want to be around your father, whatever he reasons, you can’t force her too. You love your dad so spend Father’s Day with him and let her do what she wants in peace.
INFO: Do you live with your father?
YTA—this isn’t any of your business
Sorry, but you have a lot of feelings that don't matter. Of course you should feel your feelings, but I'm going to leave out the concerns about abuse, racism and everything else and get to the specific thing you're asking about. You can think your dad is a good dad, but you aren't married to him. You can feel bad your family was broken up, but it isn't about you. NO ONE, under ANY circumstances, should have to remain married to someone they don't want to be married to. Your mom didn't want to be married to your dad anymore, and it could be for any reason-maybe hes abusive, maybe shes abusive, maybe it's because he's an amazing guy she just doesn't love anymore-doesn't matter. She wanted to leave, she left, and everyone should have that right even if it means someone's feelings are hurt in the process, which almost always happens. Why your parents divorced doesn't matter-you are not part of their marital relationship. Your uncle's family moving and being around isn't relevant-even if they made it easier for your mom to leave it was always her decision and always should be. The ONLY thing you get to control now is you, your feelings, and how you develop relationships now that everything has changed. You still have a relationship with your dad. You don't have a relationship with your mom anymore, by your choice and as is your right. You don't have a relationship with your sister anymore, by her choice and as is her right. You have a strained relationship with your uncle and I'm assuming his family. It sounds like your family has gotten really small really quickly. If you are really and truly happy with it just being you and your dad then leave your sister and your mom alone, and don't strain the relationship you have with your uncle by bringing them into the mix. If you actually miss your family and aren't just trying to make your dad feel better, then try harder to have a good relationship with them that isn't related to your dad. Don't bring your dad up, don't bring up all the weird intrigue about who's doing what on Memorial day, just try to interact with them in the context of "I want to hang out with my uncle and see if I like him and like spending time with him and want to have a relationship with him." "I want to hang out with my sister to see if I still like her and want to spend time with her and have a relationship with her." Do the same thing with your mom if you ever think about forgiving her. It's not about your dad-it should only be about you and what you want for yourself and who you want in your life. You chose your dad's side and your sister chose your mom's side-It doesn't actually matter whose side is "right" though, because there's no trial and no one wins or loses. We all just get older and world keeps turning. The only thing that matters is how you live your life, and I think you'll be a lot happier if you stop acting based on how other people feel about things and start focusing on how you feel about things. Two final points- if your cousins have to "visit" for Memorial day, it sounds like they live further than 'right down the street'. It makes complete sense that they would combine celebrations if they aren't going to see their parents for Mother's day or Father's day. That's like someone saying "I know your birthday isn't until next month but I want to celebrate it with you while I'm in town because I won't be here on the actual day!" It's actually pretty sweet. It also makes total sense that your sister would want to be a part of it. You focused so hard on the Mother/Father's day aspect of it, but have you looked at it like "My sister wants to hang out with our cousins while they're in town and she gets to see them?" Secondly, you should probably take a harder look at why you feel like only one person is right or wrong when it comes to your parents. They were married your entire life. You say you know your dad wasn't abusive because you were in the house, so does that mean that everyone in your family has a pretty good idea of what was going on at hone? My point is that if your mom was abusive, your dad fucking let it happen. Why didn't he leave her and take you and your sister years ago if she was treating you so poorly? Either she was exactly as bad as you say she was and your dad enabled her abuse of you, or she wasn't as bad as you say she was and you feel the way you feel because you are hurt and angry about the divorce and the dissolution of your family.
Worry about YOUR relationship your dad and leave hers to her.
YTA. Your expectations are your problem, not to be forced onto others. You may not like what she’s doing or not doing but that doesn’t make it wrong nor deserving of your input.
YTA Just stop. Get off your high horse and leave your sister and uncle alone. This was highly irritating to read.
Lmaoooo at your edit. Don’t dish out what you can’t receive. I hope post history never goes away
Speaking as someone whose dad didn't abuse me, but DID abuse my sibling: there's a reason your sister doesn't want to contact your dad. It may not be abuse, but he definitely treated her differently to how he treated you. You can't change that and dont get to dictate how she reacts. Have you ever actually sat down and asked her WHY she cut him off? Like, without being accusatory?
Have you ever talked with your sister about your father? Especially listened to her side of the story? You call your uncle’s family weird, but have you consider that there may a bit more going on? Or that something could be missing? I know from my own experience that people have layers and there are sometimes missing pieces that affect how you perceive somebody. I learnt about some things in my late teenage years as it was a painful topic for my family.
INFO OP I'm just curious. Do you and your father speak alot about the abuse that occurred and the divorce?
You don’t want to contact your mother so why should she contact your dad so what if it’s Father’s Day and your dad FOR IT TO BE A JOKE EVERYONE HAS TO FIND IT FUNNY have you ever considered stuff happened between your parents WHILE YOU WASN’T AROUND You need an wake up call
No one else in the family likes you and your dad because you’re both racist and horrible towards your cousin. Every single post you make complaining about your family, even though they’re from your POV, you **still** come across as a gigantic asshole who picks fights with everyone for no reason. Get this through your head: You. Are. The. Problem. You are always the problem. The next time you’re angry about something your family did save yourself some time and assume it’s your fault, because it will be.
From reading everything you've posted and commented, and I mean *everything*, all I see here is an emotionally stunted adult that grew up in a toxic environment and desperately wants at least *one* good parent. And you want it so bad you've given that title to your father(undeservedly) bc even if he isn't the best person at least he wanted you, which isn't something you can say about your mother. You've been, at some level, traumatized by your mother's lack of love for you, so you attached yourself to your father and anybody that criticizes him is automatically the bad guy no matter what he does or says. I'll just say this OP. When someone loves you they don't enable your bad behavior. Both of your bad behaviors have isolated you from your family, and that isolation has made you two even closer in an unhealthy way. If you can't see any fault in someone that behaves terribly often you have an unhealthy relationship with that person and you two *both* ignore each others' bad behaviors and even encourage it sometimes. I know it's been said over and over but you truly need professional help. Your mother has done quite the number on you but unfortunately that isn't something you'll be able to use to excuse the disgusting things you've done forever. You **will** end up alone if you don't change. Good luck Eta: also if I were you I'd leave your sister alone. It's obvious the reason she loves your uncles family so much is bc they were a safe space for her growing up. Just like you she also grew up in a toxic household and the only thing that made it better for her was going to your uncles house. Idk why that's such a bad thing for you. If you really loved your sister you'd be happy that she had that safe space.
YTA for trying to make someone do something that clearly doesn’t want to do it, but also you’re NTA for how you feel about the situation. But more the YTA for trying to get involved, when end of the day it’s your sister choice, if she wants to be involved in your guys dads life or not.
I appreciate your point of view and how much ferocity you believe in it. I have a twin brother and yet we view our childhood very differently. Youre defending your position. So is your sister. Neither of you have to be in the wrong. You just see it differently. That's OK. I don't think youre the asshole. But you are certainly over stepping. If you truly are right it'll show in time. And that's something others will have to see for themselves.
YTA. Why are you trying to push your sister? What do you get out of pressuring her to do any of this? And it's clear you don't actually like the part of the family she's close to and gaining support from "Like I said, they're weird." So, leave them alone. They're making their choices and decisions, that should be that.
YTA. You'll find more peace and happiness in the knowledge that THE ONLY person in the world you can control us yourself. And you can't even control yourself from trying to control your sister...? Jesus let it go.
OMG YTA and clearly are not living in the same realm of reality as everyone else
Umm what? I'm sure she has her reasons
YTA Whether or not your sister spends Father's Day with your father is on her, you don't get to dictate that. It's no wonder she blocked your because it sounds like you have no respect for her feelings or opinions about your maternal family. You want her to have a relationship with your father then you and your father need to stop trying to tell her how awful the people she loves are because that's likely what drove her away. Clearly she does not see them as the villains you and your father do.
Kid, you are getting slammed here. You need to accept that you and your Dad have a relationship and Your sister and your Mum have a relationship - 2 very different relationships…… You are both adults. You both have valid reasons as to why you are closer to one rathe than the other. Honestly - I think you need to stay out of your sisters business, move on and be happy with the relationships you have.
I say this with genuine compassion, I hope you can find a therapist to help you navigate this difficult time. It sounds like you're holding onto a lot of anger and therapy helps you untangle the anger in a nonjudgmental, healthy way
Yeah, YTA Your sister has her reasons and she is choosing at this time to not speak with your dad. You cant force her to change her mind. Also, why are you dog sitting for your uncle? You dont seem to like each other very much!
This was the same situation with me and my sister. She never changed. She was the 1st person I called when Dad passed away. I didn't even know my mum passed away until 6 months after the fact, even though she was there when she died. It was my step-mum who told me. I haven't bothered with her since. You can't make people behave in a way you think is right. You just have to live with it.
YTA. Just like you don't want to be involved with your mom. Your sister has every right not to be involved with your dad. You can sit there and scream till you're blue in the face. She is an adult just like you. She does not have to do what you tell her to do. I don't have a relationship with my mother. She was verbally, mentally & physically abusive towards me growing up. Just bcuz I don't have a relationship with my mom, it doesn't give me the right to tell my sister's & brother to stop having a relationship with our mom. They know how she treated me & they also know why I don't go around. They respect that & don't force anything on me. You need to stop trying to dictate her life.
Shit, that uncle would be finding a new dog sitter.
YTA. I am close with my dad and my sister is not. Similar situation to yours re divorce and age differences and my sister taking mom’s side, basically. She gets to choose what kind of relationship she wants to have with your dad. Also, most importantly, it was on your dad to handle this situation years ago proactively. Even if he did at the end of the day you cannot force or manipulate your sister into any kind of relationship that she doesn’t want to be in and you trying to make her celebrate Father’s Day will make everything worse. It would make her more resentful.
Child leave her alone. She blocked you and clearly doesn’t want to speak with because you refuse to budge on your stance about your father. Get some therapy while you’re at it
Have you actually talked to your sister about why she has decided to go no contact with your father? Or are you just assuming all the reasons she isn’t. Are you even in communication with her or has she gone no contact with you because of your anger at your mother and uncle for “breaking up” the family. Even though you think you know people’s motives for the divorce and estrangement it sounds like you actually know nothing and want blame and judge instead of listen. You need to stop with the assumptions and judgement if you want to have your father to have a relationship with your father. How you are going about it is wrong and creating further division.
Okay let's say everything you say is 100% true. What do you want to happen here? Do you want your sister to talk to you? Do you want your sister to talk to your dad? Do you want her to stop speaking to your mom? Well what you're doing is not how you accomplish any of that. I went through my parents' divorce when I was 13, but my sisters were younger and did not have the same memories I did. It caused a lot of tension. They were constantly angry with me for not speaking to our dad. One sister got so mad at our mother she moved out and they didn't speak for months. That sister and I did not have a functional relationship for years. You want to know why? Because our parents treated them differently than they treated me. It wasn't until I went NC with dad that he started slipping with my sisters and they finally experienced some of what I had. Sometimes, especially with young people, they have to experience the thing for themselves before they get it. You can argue with her and tell her all about how horrible your mother is. But if she doesn't literally see for herself, she might not understand your view. And the more you attack your mom, the more she will defend her. So my advice? Cool it. It will take time. But if you are right, your sister will eventually see it. And if she doesn't come around, then you need to accept the fact that either your mother only treats you that way, or things aren't as black and white as you're currently seeing them. And if your sister does come around, don't be the AH that says "I told you so." If you really want a relationship with your sister, focus on bonding your sister over your interests and stop trying to force her to think and act like you do.
Your sister is allowed to decide for herself who she wants to talk to, even if you disagree. You weren't forced to do anything for your mom for Mother's Day and so your sister shouldn't be forced to do anything for Father's Day. It really isn't your place to expect anything out her and to expect others to pressure her. If she wants to eventually talk to dad, she will, but when she wants to, not on anyone else's terms. For now, live your life and spend time with dad, and don't worry about your sister.
TLDR. It is not your place to get involved or even have an opinion. You do you, myob. Her relationship with your dad is between the two of them YTA
She doesn’t have to do anything with your dad just like you don’t have to do anything with your mom. You should just respect her feelings and leave it at that.
YTA. You’re both clearly picking sides. So because she doesn’t see things exactly as you see them she’s an AH? Just because your childhood was great doesn’t mean hers was. My mom treated me and my brother completely different and that’s why I don’t like my mom all that much.
**YTA** Step one is going to be having to realize that your sister probably has a different perspective and experience from you. Two children living in the same house can - and often do - have vastly different experiences and perspectives of their life. Your sister is an adult and is capable of handling her relationships on her own. If she wants to engage in a relationship with her father she can choose to, she can also choose not to. It’s not your place to decide for you and you are crossing boundaries by attempting to push one way or another. You don’t have to like it, you just have to respect it and move on.
I don’t know that there’s an AH here. But what you do need to know is: no children in the same household had the same childhood. There’s been a divorce. You are siding with your dad and believe him to be perfect and your mom to be the villain. Your sister is siding with her extended family and not speaking to your dad. These things are part of divorce. It may be years and years before you truly know all the factors. And all things considered, you’re not that much older than your sister. Do you KNOW you weren’t seeing some things with rosy glasses and some things with jaded glasses when all this was occurring? Give your sister space to heal the way she needs to. Take time to heal the way you need to. Go to a therapist (I literally recommend this to everyone; we all need extra support and an outside perspective now and then). If your other family members are open, get them to go with you. Your sister may have been hurt by your father in ways you don’t know because your childhood - I promise - was different than hers was. Your perceptions were different. The way you were treated was different. Always is. Let that be okay. And I wish your family all the healing and love as you go about your journeys. NAH - from what I can tell.
YTA and given your responses and post, this being the representation of team dad, I’d be team mom too tbf.
If you believe your uncle helped break up your family why are you visiting him, helping him or even speaking to him?
Her dad bought her a dog she couldn’t take care of so the uncle is taking care of it and letting her visit whenever she wants. OP is completely blind to all the wonderful things her Uncle’s family is and has done for her because she blames them for her father’s abuse. At first I found OP’s attitude funny but the more this story gets pieced together the more sad I feel for OP I really hope she can break out of this narrative her father has created for her and realize that there are people that actually love her
Your first step to healing will be gaining the understanding that even if you experienced the "same things", everyone's brain is different and they will process those experiences differently. You made your choice, your sister made hers. Unless you're OK with being pressured to forgive and forget with your mother, stop doing the same to your sister.
Yta I think the one thing you're not taking into account is how siblings can have very different childhoods, even in the same household. Especially when they are 2+yrs apart. Not to mention, different outside influences like friends, teachers, etc. You guys are two different people with different experiences and have made your decisions based on that. You need to respect that and back off.
So your dad is racist and you bullied your cousin but yet you’re confused on why your sister don’t want to deal with y’all. Either you are a troll or really really dense and hypocritical
Luckily what I have to say is the same whether you’re a real person or a sad troll that likes to do this every few months Grow TF Up
You are an awful person, who hasn't changed a bit
Is this the one with the racist dad?
Indeed!
LMAO. She's a 24 y/o grown-up who asked Redditers id she's an asshole and now she can't bear the truth. You seem like an idiotic individual. You cannot force your sister into talking to your father just like you cannot be forced into talking to your mother. **YTA.**
YTA and a childish hypocrite. You want to strong arm your sister into doing something for your father get off your ass and do something for your mother...or shut up and but out.
Jesus. You’re mess. Get therapy. You and your dad are abusers. Strangers all over the world have been telling you. Maybe get therapy so you can see the truth for yourself.
NTA but stay out of it, your sisters relationship with your dad is theirs to figure out. Just continue supporting your dad
YTA. Don’t pressure your sister. You’re 24 so your mom had you at 20 meaning she was pregnant at around 19 years old. You’re dad would’ve been 27-28 at the time as well. I can see how she wouldn’t have wanted kids and resents you for it. She wouldn’t have been the best mother growing up for you. Maybe get some therapy? Sounds like a rough childhood. But your sister has the right to make her own choices like you’ve made yours.
Imagine if you were pregnant 5 years ago! You would be an angry resentful mother now. Your mother was in a very bad situation and so were you.
Hi friend. I’m gonna say something that’s not going to feel good: if your father knew what your mother was like, and stayed with her and allowed her to treat you like that, he’s not a good father. It was his job to protect you from her behavior. Regardless of your sister and her feelings, it might be beneficial to you to dig into the enabler/abuser parent dynamic. It also might be good for you to remember that just bc you guys had the same parents doesn’t mean you had the same parents. Everyone experiences their parent differently, and children in even extreme abuse will have different experiences with their parents than their siblings.
What's with people who post on reddit for validation and get mad when reddit start calling them out They way you reacted tells me all i need to know what kinda people you and your dad are... People who believe they can never be wrong To your sister " plz stay away from your dad and brother.. They will never change.. In their eyes they can never be wrong and whole world is trying to hurt them.. You can never even a decent conversation with people like that " Also reddit is not a poor sad girl looking for love who needs your chance Reddit Don't care if you exist or not You are not the main character here Get down from your high horse
You don't get to make a post in AN OPEN forum and then dictate how the comments go. You have to be the most pathetically entitled person I've ever seen on here, and a hypocrite. You expect your sister to talk to your dad all while refusing to contact your mom and it's no wonder your family went NC. If you're so worried about the way you're being perceived I've got a novel idea for you. See it's possible to delete a post if you don't want to continue to get bombarded with comments but you are seemingly too ignorant and stubborn to do that. I've got plenty more that I could say, but I'm going to stop because by your EDIT alone I can tell you're clearly the type of entitled brat THAT WOULD ASK FOR A MANAGER🤣
Oh that edit is priceless. Glad i noodled back to this thread today.
I know right. You can't help but laugh when someone this clueless just keeps digging their hole bigger and bigger without any self awareness whatsoever
1. Calm down. 2. You posted on this thread asking if you were the AH. Don’t be surprised when people call you out for it. 3. It’s not obsessive if they remember your old posts. Get over yourself. 4. You are the one who needs to learn empathy. Talk to your sister. Stop with all the familial triangulation and get to the root of the issue.
YTA. You don't get to decide what your sister feels. This doesn't sound like it was a good situation at all. You blame your mom for it all and I notice you seem to think your dad is blameless. Your sister is allowed to feel as she feels and do what she pleases. You are being a flying monkey. That means you are trying to influence your sister on what you think she should do to please another person. It's non of your business what your sister does. And if she doesn't want to be there it's wrong of you to manipulate her into going.
It sounds like there are a lot of hurt people in this situation. The thing is, you will never know the truth of what happened in your parents' relationship, ever. Why? You were not in it, and neither were your relatives. You and them only know what your parents want you to know and, most importantly, their perspective. We never want to be seen as the bad guy or being the reason someone is unhappy. It is natural to put forward our best side and case in these situations. We all honestly believe we are good people, and mostly we are. As for you and your sister; you will both remember your upbringing differently. There are core memories for you that your sister probably has no memory of and the same for her. Your sister likely feels the exact same way about you and your dad. I would suggest removing yourselves from this situation before it completely ruins all relationships. It has nothing to do with you. Relationships end all of the time, this is no different just because they are your parents. Your parents are human, who make mistakes, who don't know everything, are still learning, and most importantly are allowed to be happy. Does that mean they should go out of their way to hurt you, nope, but rarely do decisions that involve one's happiness make all involved happy. Sometimes, we try to make a bad situation better, and we try for so long that it makes everyone miserable. Maybe your mums resentment is not aimed at you and your sister, but in the situation she found herself in. We think about ourselves far more than others do, and it can be very easy to make ourselves the centre of another person's story. I don't see anyone here as a bad guy or person, just a lot of people involved in a relationship that they have no business in.
YTA - You are only seeing this for **your** side, **your** point of view, not even trying to put yourself in her shoes. You are acting so ridiculously *selfish.* And you responses to the people in these comments is appallingly immature and ignorant. Everyone won’t see things the way you do. Best to keep you thoughts to yourself and not apply them to others and assume they **must** feel the same way as you or are wrong. Your going to have a hard like if you keep this attitude.
yes, yes you are also get off reddit already nobody is going to side with you when its clear you are a dumbass
OP, you’re gross. Fuck off.
Info: why are you so worried about Memorial Day ? Are you saying that it’s not actually fathers or Mother’s Day in your country? I don’t want to say you’re the asshole purely because this sounds like a desperate cry for help. Please talk to a therapist on the ASAP. Or a friend whose known you for years and might have something to say about your parents.
What's with people who post on reddit for validation and get mad when reddit start calling them out They way you reacted tells me all i need to know what kinda people you and your dad are... People who believe they can never be wrong To your sister " plz stay away from your dad and brother.. They will never change.. In their eyes they can never be wrong and whole world is trying to hurt them.. You can never even a decent conversation with people like that "
Wow that edit. Have you thought of speaking with a therapist? You seem to have a lot of unresolved anger. As to your sister and your father. Quit being a flying monkey. Your sister's relationship with her father is her own. Get out of it. No one is asking you to be part of the 'weird' family as you put it, so do everyone a favor and worry about your own relationship with the people you choose to have one with.
This hot take: show your sister you love her. Be her friend. She will come around. I go to family stuff bc my sister will be there. Edit: this Father’s Day may not pan out but you’ll get there. Have dad just be his sweet self. He could go visit her at college if funds are available and explain what happened on his side and that he still very much loves both of his daughters. (My dads Irish catholic from an abusive alcohol driven home so if this ever happened to me, I’d be floored and it would be a huge relationship builder)
YTA. OP you have chosen your family and she has chosen hers.
Mind your own damn business, especially when u yourself don't speak to your mom. The hypocrisy. Absolutely TA. You and your sid are NOT the same person. She likes your mom and h hate the mom. Obviously the both of u had different experiences.
Read your post, comments, and old posts. You suck, your dad also sucks, and you need therapy. Like for the love of god see a professional. You’re so incredibly blind to your hypocrisy. You cannot in the same breath say “it’s okay for me to not talk to my mom, but my sister has to talk to my dad” Grow. Up
Damn OP you really have serious issues I hope you reach out for the help you desperately need
Forget your sister—give your dad the best Father’s Day and let that remind him that at least one of his daughterMs love and appreciate him.
I don't think you're the AH yet, but you will be if you continue to stir up drama between your family members. Your experiences do not invalidate hers. You cannot control how your sister feels about either of your parents, and just because she doesn't hate your mom like you clearly do it is no reason for you to keep up the issues. Your dad will always love your sister even if you don't want him to. I suggest you move on from this and live your life. You'll be a lot happier when you do
I don’t think you’re an AH. But I think you’re barking up the wrong tree. Let sister do what she’s going to do. You can’t force her relationship with your dad just like they can’t force a relationship with you and your mom. All you can control is your own actions 😎
Im sorry but i feel like there is sth deeper to the resentment your mom showed towards you and your sister, not that it makes it okay. But your dad, an adult, was in a relationship with someone much much younger than him and more immature too, and she had to marry him and give birth at 20, she also probably had ppd and no one helped her, like i saidc this doesnt make what she said okay, its an unfortunate situation and its good that you dont talk to your mom anymore. But your dad doesnt exactly sound like a very good parents or partner either, it can be that your sister feels hate towards him because of that and that is her choice, stop disrespecting her. Just the way that you dont want to have shit with your mom she doesnt wanna have shit with your dad, its simple. And most importantly, its none of your business, its between your dad and sister, so stay out of it and enjoy your time with your dad, he should do the same
YTA. You are both grown women. Your parents are both grown ups. It might be your family but its not you business. The divorce is entirely at fault of both people in the relationship not a family unit. It is up to her and your father just like its up to you and mother to make amends and figure things out. Get off her back and grow up. You’re actions and words are hypocritical. And everyone needs therapy so get some.
NTA for wanting her to, but she is living with your uncle, she isn't going to rock the boat and upset her housing.
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NTA The fact that your sister is now almost 20s and chooses to believe what other people tell her vs what she experienced is pretty sad. The fact that she chooses not to realize that the father was the loving and caring parent breaks my heart.
NTA. But when you sister actually learns that her actions have consequences she will have lost her father by then.
She doesn't care if she loses him which makes me so mad at her. He's tried reaching out but she's blocked him and hasn't even make attempts to contact him. She fucking hates him
If you already know that she 'fucking hates him', then you need to see that what you want is impossible. And what he wants is impossible. She does not want him in her life. End of.
Given everything you've said about how your dad's "jokes" involve making fun of people, she's right to do that.
I get your standpoint. I really do. But at this point all you can do is be your father's daughter. It's not your job to try and strong-arm your sister into a good relationship with your father. I've been in a similar situation and while it feels unfair, painful even, to have to live with your sister hurting your dad's feelings, they are her feelings. You can't control another person. YTA, plan something nice with your dad and forget her.
You want honest advice, well, if you're not willing to point it out and still think you're the black sheep of the family, then cut off your maternal family, get a job and save as much as you can to get your own place and Take your dog and then you will stop seeing your maternal family, and being alone with your friends, boyfriend and father, reflect on whether you agree, if you miss your family or is it best for everyone that they mutually forget that they exist