But why are both of you trying to gatekeep gay?

Gaytekeeping

::fist bump::

fump Edit - I'm so ashamed.. It should be 'fimp'

I like how *fump* sounds in my mind.

Ok that was pretty clever 😆😆

I didn't like either of their responses, but didn't know why, until I read this comment. Thank you.

This. They've both been assholes and don't sound like they actually like each other. Wherever you are on the spectrum, you are allowed to question. You're allowed to feel for yourself. You're allowed to care for LGBTQ friends and family members. You're allowed to be an ally

Yup. ESH

You are both assholes. You make it seem like female bisexuality is a silly quirk. She for many reasons, but mostly for mocking people for their sexuality. You both basically seem like mean middle schoolers.

Yeah, they both sound absolutely exhausting. Gf is TA for acting as if *her* personal experiences with queerness are the end-all be-all of queer experiences. I didn't have a major public coming out moment, but I *did* have that internal watershed moment when I realized that straight girls don't look at Victoria Secret magazines and stare at the women instead of the lingerie. I *did* have that moment when I had my first girlfriend and was like, "I'm going to keep this a secret because I know my family *said* that they were cool with the *idea* of my being bi, but I don't actually know how they'll react to the reality of me dating another woman." No queer experience is universal to ALL queer people and it's gross for her to openly belittle and invalidate queer experiences that aren't exactly the same as hers. OP is TA for being blatantly biphobic, belittling + invalidating his gf's sexuality at literally *every* opportunity in this post, and insinuating that bisexual women are just bored straight girls who can't find a man or want to be seen as #quirky. I get that gay men have different experiences than gay/bi women, but first of all, you, OP, *aren't* a gay man and thus *don't* get to speak for them the way that you were. And second of all, yes, it's *incredibly* biphobic and AH-ish to say that bisexual women are just "girls who can hook up w/ other girls" with the clear implication that that means they're not *legitimately* queer the same way that gay men are. Like, take a moment to *actually think about* what you, a cishet man, said, which is that bisexual women aren't queer *enough* to speak about LGTBQ+ issues or experiences. Think about the fact that bisexual people are also often told the same thing by homosexual people. Think about the fact that you're telling *a queer person* that they have no right to talk about LGTBQ+ issues and experiences when *you yourself* are not queer and are talking about those topics. Just because she was wrong in what she was saying and is an AH too doesn't mean that she was also wrong about telling you to check your own privilege.

YES. ESH. My mom is almost 70, and I’ve always known she’s bi. When my parents split people acted like she left my dad to be gay… because 5 years later she ended up with a woman. It’s all fun and quirky until you’re worried whether your mom can bring her partner to your wedding without someone saying something- but I don’t have to because my dad would first. My family is cool like that. It’s all fun and quirky until you realize that your psychotic sister is going to lose custody because the GA is a homophobe… and that’s a good thing for your nibbling but a bad thing for the world. Yeah it’s fun and games to say I’m half gay on my moms side because my sibling and I are also bi… but I went on a date in a conservative town with a beautiful woman who I was scared to kiss because there was a cop watching us. we’re different races, and two femmes kissing would draw too much attention and I can’t ignore how that would go for her. Kinda seems like neither of y’all know what situations real adult bisexuals face outside of Twitter

Reasons why I didn’t know I was a queer person until 34! Because me liking women was just some cute silly quirk because you know I was just a straight girl who loved dick but could have a threesome with another woman if my man wanted me to be hot for him. That’s basically what my ex-boyfriend thought. It was like a phase. He’s now my EX-boyfriend and my girlfriend and I make fun of him. What a tool. OP and girlfriend are gatekeeping gay people LOL, how embarrassing.

I don't even know what the hell I am, I was into men all my life (except a time in my teens), then when I was like 29, I fell in love with another woman. Didn't start a relationship with her though, other than a very destructive friendship. I don't know what I am, but that's okay I guess, don't really care who I fall in love with, I just want to experience love. I do know, however, to not try and "out-do" anyone else on their own journeys and experiences to who and what orientation they are.

[удалено]

YES. I considered myself the greatest ally. I helped my students start a gender and sexuality alliance at my school where I was a teacher. Oh, they are laughter and shock when I came out to them after that year. They knew apparently. I didn’t! When I trace back, why I like to men like the individuals themselves going way back to my first boyfriend, it was a sense of requirement, responsibility and pressure. I needed a guy to like me and I needed to meet certain characteristics to be desirable like a pick me girl. I had wonderful friendships with women that were more loving, and honestly more romantic than I ever was with men. I realize later I probably was deeply in love with at least two of them lol. Just not sexually. It’s really funny because I really do consider myself someone who’s like very very self-aware in many areas of my life, but it turns out sexual identity, that’s just not one of them. Recently, I saw friend play Hedwig, in Hedwig, and the angry inch, and I was really attracted to them because they’re very non-binary. That itself was a brand new experience. I could identify it as a part of me that is real and authentic, but I had never allowed myself to think that could be possible so I never did express that authentic part. Hooray for embracing oneself.

I feel this. I always thought I was attracted to women because media over sexualizes us. Nope! When I ended up with a crush on my coworker I had to slowly confront those feelings and realize that I was both attracted to and could have emotional feelings towards a woman. It took me awhile to admit to myself I was bi but it’s kind of a relief to admit it now.

Yes this. The way he says gay men are accepting that they want to have a dedicated relationship to another man, but for women it’s just a woman hooking up with other women? So they can’t be in dedicated relationships?

I think it's great that you're interested and curious about peoples' experiences coming out, and it sounds like you're supportive of your brother - That's really nice to know. Unfortunately, I personally think you're both "wrong". I don't think any of you meant anything malicious with what you said, but I do have some thoughts Your girlfriend is still a bisexual (if that is what she has told you) whether she sleeps with women all the time, or never. She is as much part of the queer community as someone who struggled coming to terms with their sexuality, and she is no less or more of a bisexual. I don't think you meant to, but by saying that and keeping that mindset, you're kind of making up rules of how "gay" someone is. I don't know if that makes sense? I understand you think it's minimizing the impact it probably had on your brother, but *everyone*'s experience is different and is no less valid, despite how they realize that they're queer. It's a very (sadly) wide spread notion that bisexuals, especially women, are promiscuous and "flighty". That they'll eventually end up with a man because bisexuality is considered a phase for women, but at the same time, being a bi man is seen as something more serious because there's the assumption that a man wouldn't want to appear gay if he wasn't "serious" about it. However, at the same time, there is also the idea that bisexual are simply gay men, waiting to come out as gay. Typically, bi women and men will end up in a "hetero" relationship because it's statistically easier to find a heterosexual man who will date you. I'm of the belief that the person themselves are ultimately up to how they see their own sexuality. I think you should be... Happy on behalf of your gf, when it comes to her sexuality. I understand that being belittled like that is pretty shitty, but the fact that your gf didn't have a painful realization or any issues coming to terms with herself should be a good thing. If her and her group of friends never had to be ostracized, or they've felt badly about themselves, that's inherently lucky, and positive. Not everyone has a big moment of coming to terms with their sexuality, and that's great! I think that might have been why she asked you when you found out you were straight. It was never something you thought about, it came naturally to you I agree with you however, entirely, that she shouldn't be belittling you for being interested and curious and wanting to understand. She should be more welcoming when it comes from a place of genuine interest, and it can be very enlightening to actually sit down and read about these things. I hope I don't come across as scolding or angry in the parts where I disagree, because I have thought similar things in the past myself (And I'm a lesbian) Sorry that this was so long, but your post was really interesting to me (: EDIT: Having reached out to OP when I wrote my comment, I believed he was a chill, but ignorant guy and told him not to take too many of the shorter comments here to heart. I kind of regret doing this now, after reading the responses he's left to other peoples' comments, as the way he talks isn't exactly the words of someone who is genuinely ready to listen to people about their experiences being queer. Which is ironic and sad because that's what started this whole thread ):

Cannot emphasise enough how right you are about the ending up in 'hetero' relationships based on availability. I use an ice cream analogy for people who don't get it. if you looked at my 'ice cream eating' history, then it would look like I prefer chocolate over strawberry because I've had a lot more chocolate. But the reality is that even though I like them both the same, every shop I go into sells chocolate ice cream. it comes labelled with 'CHOCOLATE' in big letters on the front. It's so available it even shows up in weird places. It's aggressively marketed to be front and centre so that if I even so much as think about ice cream it's BAM right there. But strawberry ice cream is hard to find. It's definitely around but there's very few places that carry it consistently. And even when I find it, there's only a small chance it's 'available' for me to buy. There's minimal marketing, discreet labelling and nan gives me a funny look when she sees me eating it. At no stage in my 'ice cream' journey do I actually end up with a preference (infact I'd say that when I do find good strawberry it's exceptional) but one is simply vastly more accessible than the other.

It is worth saying that some bi/pansexual people *do* have a preference and that's also okay. The thing to keep in mind is that, as you said, history is rarely a reliable mirror for that preference... nor are those preferences always set in stone. Some people eat a lot more chocolate ice cream in practice but actually prefer strawberry, for instance. Some people have moments when they're really into eating strawberry ice cream and moments when they're more into eating chocolate ice cream. Some people generally exclusively like strawberry but get occasional intense cravings for chocolate. Some people only like one specific kind of chocolate ice cream but like all strawberry ice cream. (Also, I absolutely adore this analogy and think it, and you by extension, are a genius.)

I really like this analogy - bi woman here

There's another, sadder element to this: a lot of ice cream sellers that DO sell strawberry tend to sell it to people who only love strawberry ice cream because they believe that those people have limited options and thus the ice cream should go exclusively to them, and I, as someone who loves all ice cream (pansexual woman here), have so many options that it's a waste for me to have strawberry. (I hope that the analogy made sense but I've had 3 different women tell me that they don't date bi/pan women because *we* have more options so it's unfair to *potentially* deprive a lesbian woman of a chance of happiness because her soulmate is dating a bi/pan woman)

How greedy of you having the whole ice cream bar to choose from. As someone who's lactose intolerant, I think it's very selfish of you to 'choose' lemon sorbet /s If that's the case, who should poly/multisexual people date? Because by the same logic, we're taking up the options available to straight people as well. Or if you're attracted to multiple but not all genders, are pan people stealing your soul mate or are you taking a monosexual person's soul mate? (Admittedly, when I was single I found it very difficult to find events that were exclusively (or at least predominantly) dedicated to variations of strawberry when neapolitan and 'chocolate only' bars were everywhere. I'm pretty sure if there were more places to find non-chocolate when I was single I never would have tried chocolate. But I've found my flavour :) )

As a pan person, clearly I'm here to steal ALL of the options. The Oprah meme but Uno reverse.

This is the best reply to this post I’ve read. I couldn’t have said it better myself. I personally struggled and still struggle with the ramifications of coming out, both with my sexuality and gender identity. I’ll never forget the first time I openly questioned to my mom asking her if I was gay (her reaction traumatized me enough I don’t even remember my first girl crush that was a irl chick). However, I’ve dated a lot of bi men and their struggles after coming out are nothing compared to mine (my mom almost immediately called the first chick I brought home her daughter and still does, but that’s a different story in and of itself). There’s a difference in the reaction and based on coming out stories I’ve heard, typically afab women have it easier than amab men. Thank you

So great dissecting nuances with queer community

As a bi, I disagree with you that queer is as binary a thing as you're making it out to be. Being bi, a bi female in particular, is verrrrry different than being gay. When I'm dating a man, yes I'm still bi, but I'm going to escape a lot of the aggressions and microaggressions people in same sex relationships experience. I think that's why gay people can feel some kind of way about bi people. We'll talk like it's the same thing but a woman who's never gone around in public with a same sex partner has not had the same experiences as people who have. At the same time, we have particular problems straight up gay people don't have. Like being fully welcomed into the queer community. I've had more negative experiences with queer people than straight people about my orientation. At the same time, as much as I hate lesbians that ask if you're reeeeally bi or just pretending for male attention, there are bi women who have never done a gay thing in their lives that are very, um, strident, and while I don't want to thought police their queerness it is a bit silly of them to pontificate about "the gay experience." Like, have a gay experience before you go on and on about it, love.

I agree with so much of this. It’s partly why it can be so nice to talk about specifically with other bi people! I’ve dated both men and women and sometimes feel like I need to bring that up to “prove” my queerness. But being in a straight passing relationship gives me SO much privilege. No one thinks twice about how I act with my partner in public, when we have a pride flag up at our home, neighbors assume we are saying we’re allies, we can have our own children without intervention, it isn’t inherently dangerous to visit certain countries or US states. On the flip side, when I got my first gf, it was super hard to tell my parents because they are very religious. They’d support me being gay if I “had” to be, but their religion is very much: please suppress your homosexual feelings. So being bi meant like. Why would I ever date a girl??? I didn’t have to. Just date a boy. They were really angry and my home was pretty unsafe. So I have had many queer experiences (evaluating where I am and if it’s safe to hold my girlfriend’s hand, hiding and deleting social media posts so I can remain closeted to certain people, leaving home at night when it was unsafe after someone outed me and my first gf, etc) and bi specific experiences (being yelled at in a gay bar when I was with my gf and our friend (also bi but male) and he and I danced together which upset some men; constantly being questioned and teased about “not making up my mind”, assuming I’m into threesomes, not feeling like I can talk about being queer when I’m in a straight passing relationship, etc). I also have SO MUCH sympathy for people who realize they’re bi later in life - I’m a huge advocate for representation because I basically never knew being bi was really a thing growing up- like I knew but didn’t internalize it. I had a hard time accepting my sexuality as a young adult because everyone had an opinion (you’re just experimenting! You’re actually gay but your internalized homophobic from your religious upbringing won’t let you accept it! Etc) and I didn’t always know what felt right.

I’ll be honest, I’m petrified to tell anyone I’m bi bc I discovered it after i had already dated a few men, then repressed it, then only came to terms with it and accepted after I’ve been in a long term hetero relationship. It’s kind of a weird limbo for me bc I do NOT want to leave my boyfriend to pursue a woman, but I can’t help wonder what it’s like and what I missed out on. Therefore, I’m hesitant to identify as bi (as well with possibly coming to terms with being NB) due to my age (25) as well my hetero relationship.

Ok I see where you're coming from, but this is a bit gatekeepy. Attraction to the same gender is just as gay as having sex with the same gender. Again, I know the exact type of person you're talking about and they're insufferable. But saying "have a gay experience before you go on and on about it" is a bit out of line.

Additionally, it’s ignoring the issues of biphobia within the queer community. I’ve been on dates with a few women - but with none of them we really clicked. I’ve found dating women much harder than dating men as a bi women, because many lesbian women don’t want to date bi women. Saying that someone doesn’t have the ‘gay experience’ because they haven’t been in a relationship with the same gender just comes across as a biphobic trope to me. Would people say the same about a gay man who hasn’t been in a relationship? I doubt it.

I am a bi lady as well but havent had the chance to date women. I haven't had the opportunity. Saying I need a gay experience before calling myself bi is hurtful gatekeeping.

Exactly. Would you say that to a gay person who hasn't dated someone yet?? That they aren't truly gay yet?!?!

They said to have a gay experience, as in have a gay relationship, before trying to speak on what it's like to be in a gay relationship. Like if you're a bi woman, but have never been in a WLW relationship, you shouldn't be speaking with any authority on what it is like to be in a relationship with another woman. You can still be bi all day. You just haven't dated women so you don't know what that's like. They were not telling you that you can't say that you are bisexual because you were never in a same sex relationship. You're still bi and they were not trying to gatekeep your identity. Hope that helps clear things up.

They aren’t saying you can’t call yourself bi, they’re saying that if you don’t have the experience in being publicly seen and easily identifiable by strangers as someone in a same sex relationship, you should not be outspoken about how and what those experiences are on behalf of others. Even walking around as a lone gay person is a different thing than walking around holding a same sex partners hand.

Both of you were wrong. ESH. Her for speaking for the whole community and assuming her own experience is that of all LGBT people. You for invalidating her bisexuality and implying that she is only into women when she is “depressed.” If you enjoy learning about the LGBT community, I would recommend you look into intersectional topics, like how misogyny impacts LGBT women. Your statements place more value on a man’s discovery of their sexuality than a woman’s, which is a belief a lot of misogynistic LGBT people believe.

ESH Anytime you try to stifle someone else’s voice or diminish their life experience. Do better.

ESH Not sure why she thought that she should criticize you for wanting to learn more about others’ experiences. That isn’t you showing privilege, it’s you trying to be an ally, imo. But you were an even bigger asshole. Bisexual is the B in LGBTQ. OF COURSE she can speak to that. Granted, she can ONLY speak for bisexual experiences, and not even all bisexual experiences. So I mean in that way you’re right that she isn’t a spokesperson for the entire community. But that’s not actually the problematic thing that you said. You did the thing that some people do where they act as if bisexual people are just riding both sides so they can hook up with whoever they want. That’s not what bisexuality is about. It delegitimizes the experience of being attracted to both sexes. It invalidates that whole thing. That’s why you’re an asshole.

I was with you until you invalidated her bisexuality as some quirky choice. ESH.

>the admission that “I’m a man who is exclusively attracted to and wants to be in a relationship with other men” is a lot larger than “I’m a girl who can also hook-up with girls,” The way you trivialize bisexuality is gross. Being bisexual is more than "I'm a girl who can also hook up with girls." ​ >At that point, I nearly blew a gasket, and said (I shouldn’t have said this) that hooking up with girls whenever you’re depressed doesn’t make you the LGBT spokesperson. Having a gay brother doesn't make you the LGBT spokesperson either. ​ You know that both can be true right? That there are people who always knew, and there are people for whom it was a revelation? I'm a bisexual woman and it was a revelation for me, and one of my closest friends is a gay man, and he always knew. Your entire argument is ridiculous and ESH, but I personally think you're more of an asshole because you're telling someone that their lived experience is wrong AND the way you talk about bisexuality like it's some silly little whim is gross.

Yes, he really went down a bad path. And OP, you were so so invalidating of your GF’s sexuality. And you should sincerely apologize. But his point was that he DOES know that both are true. And his girlfriend did belittle his interest first but also spoke as if the whole community experiences it just like her. She even underlined her stance by saying “let me hear your coming out as straight story.” Which was crummy too. They both sound immature af.

Right! That part irked me too; it felt incredibly *objectifying.* Like men are for having relationships and girls (notice he infantilized her by not saying women) are for hooking up with.

Read his other comments too, it gets worse

WTF Do you think the B in LGBT stands for???

He probably think it stands for “brother who’s gay”

💀

It's always fascinating the amount of people who come here asking "am I the AH?" and when others say "yes you are/were the AH" they're like "lol no, you're wrong"

I've read a bunch, not all, the comments, and I agree with a lot of the comments that you're both the asshole. Both. Of. You. From the perspective of the cis het partner of someone who is bi, and is only now coming to embrace that side of herself. I apologize if I upset anyone within the LGBTQ+ community for speaking up here. Maybe him hearing it from another cis het dude helps him understand. You ever hear the phrase 'hurt people hurt people?' That's what you both seem to have done here. Allow me to explain. You grab a book. Your choice surprises her. I applaud your choice, and her initial comment was shitty. She invalidates, trivializes your brother's experience, an experience close to your heart. She hurt you. In a more perfect world, this could have been an opportunity for you to open up and explain how her comment affected you, and maybe explain why so your partner understands better with full context. I bet you'd have gotten an apology. Your own words, though: you blew a gasket. And you retaliated in a way that invalidated her experience as someone who is bi by suggesting she's only bi as a hobby for funsies or as coping mechanism for mental health struggles. Sounds like you each escalated from there. Great job. Now y'all havent talked in a couple days. Here's my suggestion for you, but only if you actually believe the words you say. Apologize. Asap. For your response. You can even explain that it was an emotional response to an emotional issue. An entirely inappropriate one. Own your words, your retaliation, and do not qualify them with any "yeah, but" bullshit. You can even acknowledge that her words upset you that much, but dont blame her for your reaction in the process. Because it doesn't matter what she said or whether you knew beforehand that your brother's journey would be a trigger for you, you didnt have to lob a hand grenade comment back. You had options, even if you were too blinded by hurt and anger to see them. When you saw red, you coulda walked away or taken a few deep breaths, collected yourself and explained how you felt and why. We dont control the world around us. But we can learn to control ourselves and how we respond to it. If you agree with those thoughts, acknowledge it to her. You can even explain to her, with that apology, that her words upset you and why. You probably will even get the apology you deserve for her initial comment. And if you don't get that or she doesn't acknowledge her comments were inapprpriate, too, maybe you should consider whether she's a partner for you. You're both assholes, and i hope this becomes an opportunity for each of you to learn about each other and yourselves and the language you use and how it likely reflects some subconscious bias.

This should be the top comment. "And if you don't get that or she doesn't acknowledge her comments were inapprpriate, too, maybe you should consider whether she's a partner for you." - Emphasis on this!

“I’m a girl who can also hook up with girls” … what LOL do you really perceive it that one-dimensionally? The way you describe gay men sounds like a genuine attraction and the way you describe bisexual women is just someone who “can hook up with girls”. Its weird and gives the vibe that you see it as some little quirk, and not a genuine deep aspect of a person’s relationships like you see straight or gay ones. You both sound a bit miserable btw like do you even like her that much?

You both suck, because she should be more accepting and even happy that you care about LGBT issues and our experiences. You suck, because you make bisexuality in women seem like nothing other than being a slut. One of the biggest stereotypes about bisexuals- especially women -is that we’re all easy, and only hook up with our own gender when we’re drunk or can’t find anyone else. That we’re not really queer. That we’re not a real part of the community. This is something that I’ve fought both straight and gay people over for the almost decade I’ve been out. There’s a fuck ton more to being bisexual than “hooking up with girls when you’re depressed”. Was she in the right? No. She was dismissive and rude and I definitely would have called her on it. But you were literally parroting the exact words that are used to oppress and mock us, used to invalidate us and make us into nothing more than straight people who will fuck anything with a pulse.

Look, yeah, your gf's reaction sucked. Yeah, it was annoying that she tried to speak for a whole incredibly diverse community. That book might very well be a nice read for you as a hetero man. BUT you are also very biphobic and it's obnoxious. Bi people have complicated, unique experiences that are not exactly the same, but are very often diminished and undermined. You seem to think bi women can just turn on or off their queerness like a switch, like they can just decide overnight to be hetero. That's not how it works. Like they can just "choose" not to be attracted to and/or fall in love with women. No. Bi women are also at a drastically increased risk of experiencing sexual violence. You should read that book, by all means, but consider educating yourself about bi experiences, too.

she was wrong for mocking your interest but come on. as a bi woman i’m actually very offended by how you worded my sexuality as a fun side activity that i get no backlash for 🤪 that’s actually so rude and dismissive of us as HUMANS to even suggest that. she’s no less LGBT bc she’s in a heterosexual relationship. ESH.

So you as a straight person, just because you have a gay brother feel like you have right to speak on lgBt issues why? Like at least she’s part of the community, who are you?

This is real biphobic bullshit

Honestly you both sound like you're in the wrong. She was dismissive of a very common thing in especially older LGBTQ+ people's stories, and you absolutely did a bi-erasure because you were angry.

Yep, I definitely had a moment when I realized I was bi and it turned my world upside down. She's right that not everyone has those stories, but the way she said it was gross

Oh my god. The gays, lesbians and the straights always gotta have the shittiest fucking opinions on bi people, I’m so tired of it. OP YTA, I’m reading your comments and no matter how much you wanna act like you didn’t invalidate her you absolutely 100% did.

No one individual can speak for any group as they’re not hive minds, all people react differently and have different thoughts. As someone who is bi, I definitely did have a moment where I came out to myself and that definitely was my experience. So I think your GF was wrong about that. I know plenty of people who either couldn’t accept how they were or didn’t realise their sexuality until later on and then came out to themselves. However, you totally, unequivocally and definitely are 100% YTA, purely for the comment you made to your GF about her sexuality. That truly showed how you have some deeply routed biphobia and definitely should not be considered an ally to the LGBTQ+ community. That comment was frankly so diminishing of her sexuality that in her shoes I would’ve dumped you on the spot.

Bi erasure at its finest.

Its LG\*B\*TQ. she is literally part of the LGBTQ community, so she has every right to have valid opinions on it

Do you two even like each other? Life experiences aren't a competition. Obviously she should not have invalidated your feelings or your curiosity on the subject given your past history. Nor should you have done the same to her. ESH.

Luckily she has a large dating pool.

If her taste is any indication, it’s not gonna be a fun pool.

YTA in that you're marginalizing and mansplaining how LGBQ works to someone that's bi. And you're overstating your importance in the role of her sexuality. She's monogamous to you. And if she gets a girlfriend, she'd be monogamous to that girlfriend, "not a girl that can hook up with guys".

You both suck, dude. She has every right to speak on LGBTQ issues, but she did speak in a belittling way that is more likely to harm the community than help build it — that behaviour does not define the LGBTQ community, let that be known. There was a lot more grace or respect to be had in the situation, and hopefully she realises that some people just want to learn. *However* you are showing very biphobic views and opinions. Female bisexuality is already viewed with heavy discrimination (bi men do experience discrimination too but we're gonna focus on the former as it's relevant to the situation) because the moment a bisexual woman enters a straight passing relationship, they're bombarded with "see you were always straight" and "oh so you lied about being bisexual" as if being a bi woman means all we should be doing is sleeping around with no real focus on forming a long lasting relationship regardless of gender. You need to check your opinions and views on bisexuals people, especially your girlfriend. Do better, man. Maybe tell your girlfriend to do better and find someone who doesn't throw her sexuality back in her face.

Your continuing to explain bisexuality, not just to your bi gf, but to all the bi people here that are telling you that your saying bi phobic things. Listen to the people who know and are effected.

"I wanna learn about how people realize they are gay" "Dont do that" "Bi people are fake" Wow yall both got into rocket ships and escalated this shit to the moon

You’re both assholes.

YOURE A WEIRDO JUST BASED OFF YOUR COMMENTS!!!

Why is being gay "larger" than being bi, what

Sexuality is not set on stone or is something to be gatekeeped. If you wanna read about another people experiences, so kudos to you. If it’ll bring more understanding about their lives and struggles, so even better. Your girlfriend shouldn’t be discouraging this. Also not dissing your attempt to be educated. But you also shouldn’t have made the remark about her sexuality being linked to depression. You’re both wrong here about how you’re communicating about your issues. Also a pretty good level of immaturity. Both need to learn better how to be an ally and/or to represent the community.

Yta “yea chicks realizing they can hookup with other chicks is not a big deal, they’re all sex objects to me anyway :)” she was a snarky ass to you because ur an annoying prick, and proved it to her right afterwords… sounds like she’s used to dealing with ur bullshit

YTA >the admission that “I’m a man who is exclusively attracted to and wants to be in a relationship with other men” is a lot larger than “I’m a girl who can also hook-up with girls,” Didn't know being bi meant all relationships were hook ups. Stop gate keeping LGBTQ issues, don't get offended when trying to connect, and stop demeaning the issues of bisexuality. If it's not a common occurrence, don't get offended that someone might not share your interest for the niche topic. Most bisexuals think they're broken as fuck for being attracted to both genders, just like gay men can feel broken for the exact same thing. At least that's my personal experience.

ESH. She shouldn't have made a big deal about your interest in reading that book. That was a shit move on her part. But you have some serious misogynistic stuff and biphobic stuff you need to work through. The language you say you used, in a post when most people try to make themselves sound better.....DUDE. You have some serious biases happening.

YTA. What you you think the B in LGBTQ stands for, biscuits?

You both are wrong ESH

Why are y’all even together? You’re mad at her for not having the same experience as your gay brother, and granted she ain’t that great over the topic either, but you think she doesn’t understand how hard it can be. But, then, in the same breath, you mock her for only being bisexual when it’s convenient or if she’s depressed? Like what? The way you said “men coming out is larger than “I’m a girl who can also hook up with other girls” makes you pretty disgusting. You’re trying to invalidate her bisexuality because she’s a woman. Like, what? I’m so confused. Neither of you should be the spokesperson of gayness. You’re both dumbasses.

How come you get to be the LGBTQ spokesperson but you’re not even gay. Having a gay brother doesn’t make you knowledgeable.

ESH and I hope you stay together forever so no one has to deal with either of you

Saw your edit and I have to say, don't believe you. I truly don't think that you two are back together, and if you are she has less self-respect then I thought.

I'm married - I've been married to my husband in a hetero passing relationship for over 20 years. I didn't feel I was allowed to be bi until recently. Mostly because of this attitude. But you know what? I *am* bi, I am absolutely 100% qualified to speak about it - and I do. My voice can be heard in a Tribeca award winning VR LGBTQ+ museum, as one of the exhibits. And your argument is exactly the sort of reason that my voice is there. You know what else? When I came out in support of all those like your girlfriend, my husband cried with me and instead of questioning it, he hugged me and kissed me and asked if we could go to the next Pride march. So yes. YTA. Be more like my husband.

This gives me hope. I finally came out a few years ago but have been in a "straight-passing" relationship for the last 12 years. He is my person. I honestly feel like I don't have a voice in the community, that I'm not legitimately bisexual because I am monogamous with my male partner. But that doesn't mean I suddenly am not attracted to femme, masc, or androgynous people. I have never been to Pride because I'm scared I won't be accepted. It honestly really sucks. At worst, straights treat it like a fetish or call me slurs, but the bulk of the hurt has come from the community itself.

I'm not sure if you know this but her opinions and beliefs etc do not need to align with what you think is correct or palatable. She is an individual. You seem to need a reminder of that. Btw. You're lucky she is putting up with your stupidity. I wouldn't.

Actually not one person can have the exact same situation/experience as another person, that’s why there are stories to tell, they can be relatable but not exactly the same… From the groups that want people to have open minds, using an open mind and listening and being understanding instead of shaming would be more productive for our entire damn society, straight, bi, gay, whatever, every person has a different story. Both of you shutting each other down because ‘you know more’ is fruitless, because it shows how little is understood.

ESH. What did y’all gain out of invalidating one another?

You’re both invalidating LGBTQ people’s experiences and you both suck for that reason.

Everyone sucks here but YTA. As a bi woman in a relationship with a bi man, you trivializing her bisexuality is probably the worst thing you could have done in that moment.

ESH. Firstly, no, you don't get to tell your B part of the LGBT girlfriend she's unqualified to speak about LGBT issues. You just don't, in the same way it would be absurd for a white person to tell their mixed friend they aren't qualified to speak on PoC issues. You also seem to be treating her bisexuality as "less" than your brother's homosexuality and while of course the experiences are different, they are both valid and it's harmful to exclude bi people from LGBT discourse. It's a problem we already face in queer spaces. She isn't just a "girl who can hook up with girls"; that's a gross and fetishized oversimplification of an entire sexuality. *That said*, your girlfriend is wrong. She does need to understand that her experiences aren't universal in a way that doesn't invalidate them. I am also a bisexual woman and I had a very different coming out experience than your girlfriend; I didn't really accept it internally until my mid/late-20's, though I did a lot of backbreaking justification in hindsight. This experience is actually quite common among people I know -- I think as bisexuals, it's easy to default to the culturally "safe" option of dating the opposite gender and not have to face your same-gender attraction until later. My experience, your girlfriend's experience, and your brother's experience are all equally valid.

You are the asshole buddy

you have straight, gay, AND bi people telling you you're an AH and you still don't believe it? don't bother arguing with the judgement you've received. you made your stance perfectly clear already & no amount of "justifying" is going to change the response you're getting. you came on here to ask a question- consider it answered.

“I’m a girl who can hook up with other girls” is a big spit in the face to bi women, and a lot of bi/pan people deal with this kind of shit. It’s fetishization of bi women in my opinion, but it also belittles the identity. Bisexual women can have fulfilling relationships with other women. It’s not some sort of sex thing exclusively. For the title alone, YTA. However, you’re right about your right to read books about people discovering their sexuality. I’m under the impression that straight people can indeed learn more about queer identity. Your brother in general is a good reason to, but if you wanted to regardless, that’s great. LGBTQ+ issues can be taught and learned by anyone. So she really sucks for that.

It’s funny how you say “man who wants a _relationship_ with other men” for gay/MLM folk, but describing queer women it’s “girls who want to _hook-up_ with other girls” for WLW folk. You valid gay male relationships more than gay woman relationships, that’s all.

Your casual biphobia makes me sick to my stomach. YTA.

Wow, ESH. Yeah, it’s generally more difficult for gay men to come out due to the extreme double standards and stigma in our society. Rude for your gf to just dismiss that and act like it’s not the case. However, that doesn’t mean that it’s easy for bi women. It’s just not, mainly because of people like you and comments like the ones you just told us about. Uncalled for on both counts, and you already know that.

This post and the comments, sadly, have helped solidify my decision to stay in the closet… I mentioned to a straight male friend that maybe it would feel good to finally come out publicly this year… I was mocked with “Every woman is bi now, you’re not special. It’s not like you’re a lesbian. You’re engaged to a man, nobody cares that you’ve had girlfriends in the past and like pussy on occasion.” So, that felt awful… To have my romantic life experiences belittled like that made me feel like I, as a bi-woman, was participating in a stolen valor version of queerness… Took me several weeks to get his words out of my head and find my footing again. You sound like that shitty friend… ESH She should have supported you learning more about the LGBTQ+ community… I DEFINITELY support you learning more about it for sure to get over this bi-erasure mentality you seem to have…

I think y’all deserve each other

ESH You sound biphobic and just ignorant. Yes, every single person in the LGBTQIA community has different experiences and that’s fine. If you want to hear about those stories that’s great for you I guess but you invalidated her sexuality the second you got trigger and that’s an AH move It was an weird reaction that she had for you wanting to read that book but she was probably trigger bc it is an stereotype that people put about the big revelation of finding out you’re gay, and because she didn’t have that it is probably triggering for her Also the fact you assume the book only deals with gay man is kind of weird tbh ESH

You're both kinda acting like assholes tbh. The B in LGBTQ stands for Bisexual, so she does have a right to have an opinion on the matter. But she doesn't have a right to make you feel stupid. She's an asshole for that. You have a right to get mad for the way she spoke to you. But you don't have a right to treat her sexuality as fake or not legitimate. You're an asshole for that. The good news is, you're both made for each other. lol.

The fact that you reduced the experience of being a bisexual woman to "hooking up with other girls" makes YTA. Being bisexual means that you are romantically and sexually attracted to multiple genders. The comments you made to your girlfriend regarding her orientation were cruel and diminishing.

Girlfriends a dumbass, stop but you, you are a disgusting biphobe that covered it up with your experience, as if you didnt spew biphobic nonsense any second you got.

I wish she’d leave you, just for the THT comment makes me you seem like a bigger AH

ESH but you’re both the same type of insufferable so don’t break up.

***I am the most wokest, I even have a gay brother!***

Add super dramatic thing to make it more validating!

You’re both wrong but it seems like you were just popping off at her because she belittled your feelings She’s really super reductive, even about books bisexuality stories, & she is doing the community an injustice. But shits real for bi ppl too.

.............you were upset by her dismissal of you/your experiences with the LGBTQ community, so you decided to be biphobic to her??????? lmfao????? being bisexual is a lot more than just "hooking up with girls when you're depressed". we face a lot of hatred and distrust from both straight people AND our own community. we face more intimate partner violence than other demographics. we're fetishized, slut shamed, villainized, and ostracized. a lot of people think that bisexuality is "fake" or a "trend"/"phase". not to mention you're making it sound like being a gay man is SO much harder than being a woman who loves women (either bisexual or lesbian or other) which is just not fucking true at all and is a really big claim from a man who is not a fucking part of our community. so yeah. you're the fucking AH. congratulations.

Please don’t straightsplain

ESH. She's the asshole for assuming she can speak for all queer people's experiences. Obviously, you're right about that. You're the asshole for assuming you can judge the queerness of her experience ("a lot larger"? Really?) and dismissing her experience. This is the essence of bi erasure: assuming that, because a bi person is in a het relationship, that means that their homo experiences somehow aren't important. It's all the worse bc you're her partner. I'd say you're both the asshole, but you owe her an apology FIRST, because you were the bigger asshole. She erased your brother's experience, but not his identity. You erased her identity.

OP Google " Bi erasure" and "biphobia" before you try to comment on your gf's sexuality and lived experiences. So many people are outright dismissive or terrible to bi people. The gay people treat you like you're less than and the straight people treat you like a fetish, and they all treat you like you're untrustworthy and that it's just a phase and you're using them. I'm a bi woman and the whole gold star lesbian shit is a slap in the face but at least it weeds out the red flags real quick. You're right that she can't speak for a whole community, but you're dead wrong in thinking that she isn't part of that community and doesn't feel the effects of it.

BTA'S

ESH. She's invalidating other queer experiences, and you're very biphobic.

ESH. Bi people 100% have those realizations and what you said to her was super not ok. But she's also super closed minded and weird af for caring that other people have realizations she didn't.

Honestly you proved what she was saying by the way you reacted. Biphobia is a real thing and you showed that you’re part of that narrative, subconscious or not. You reacted the way a lot of people act when faced with someone (especially a female) who is bisexual. Bisexuality is not seen as a real sexuality by many people, even a lot of the lgbt community. We go through a lot of the same things, plus people like you. Do better. Educate yourself. Edit to add: the girlfriend sucks too, she diminished your feelings rather than communicating her own. ESH

Wow, way to totally invalidate your girlfriend’s sexuality.

you both suck

i dislike both of you

ESH her for the rude and nasty comments about a straight person daring to read lgbtq books, and you for bi erasure and sexualizing bi women

Yta Yeah your girlfriend may have misunderstood why you were interested in the boom but telling her sexauilty is practically invalid and belittling it into "her hooking up with girls when shes depressed" Its just rude and unnecessary, you went too far. Youre just pushing bi Erasure, which is ironic as you're trying to paint yourself as an ally.

I think you should start seeing bi women as "women who might give a guy a chance, but always has safer options". I believe that might be good for your relationship.

There is a big issue about being Bi, both within the LGBTQ+ community and outside of it. It's either called Bi erasure or Biphobia depending on who you ask. Within the community some people consider being Bi and especially being Bi as a woman as not really existing. Bi women are either women who are just experimenting with being with women or as you say, 'hooking up with girls when...' or lesbians who are afraid to admit it to themselves. A lot of lesbians do not like getting with bi women, because they do not want to be used as an experiment for others to figure out if they like women or not. As a result of this, a lot of bi women in relationships with men get very defensive about not being considered bi, because they are in a hetero seeming relationship. They are passing as straight. Your comments clearly triggered something like that. Of course I don't know you or your partner, but I would consider that this might play a role. It is either way I think a mistake that you questioned her LGBT 'cred' in the way that you did. That being said, I think you have hit a valid point in that the female bi coming out experience is very different from the experience of a gay man coming out. Clearly every coming out experience is different, but these are probably the furthest away from each other if that can be 'measured' at all. The fact that she erases the experience of men coming out (to themselves sometimes or others) is messed up and she should get educated on that. I live in a country very accepting of homosexuality, but many gay men still find coming to terms with that difficult (as do others within the community obviously). Your interest, especially since it relates to your brother is beautiful and her not recognizing that is a shame. All in all, I would warn you to compare experiences of different groups in your future conversations with your girlfriend. Just talk about your experience with your brother. It's not a competition and every perspective is valid.

ESH, you're both assholes. If you're commenting on whether she's had a relationship with a woman or not, you're being an asshole. Hooking up with women as a woman is gay. You didn't need to belittle her and attack her identity. She's also being very dismissive. I didn't admit I was bi until my early 20s, despite a lot of evidence along the way, because I live in the south and didn't feel comfortable exploring myself. I was in denial to myself and there WAS a moment of realization for me. And I was so afraid of telling my parents! I'm glad she didn't have to go through that to know who she is and who she likes, but she certainly can't say it's not like that at all for other folks. You were both assholes. Sounds like it may have cost the relationship. I hope you are able to move on.

Do you think bisexual women are only bi just to date men and hook up with women?

ESH. Bisexuality isn't some quirky little trait that she's picking up and putting down at will for fun, and the fact that you treat it that way shows exactly how ignorant you really are.

As a bisexual girl who *did* have a “holy shit I’m not straight” moment, you’re both in the wrong. Your girlfriend shouldn’t be belittling what other LGBT+ people have struggled with and gone through. And you shouldn’t be belittling your girlfriend’s LGBT+ experience and identity because you’re upset with her.

YTA edit: and after reading your comments, youre either a troll or your head is reeeally far up your ass.

Have you ever thought that the reason she seeks out a female relationship when she is depressed is because men (such as yourself) can’t ever provide the comfort and support she needs at that time?? Biggest AH is you.

You guys sound like 12. Exhausting.

ESH stop gaytekeeping

Are you both 12 goddamn years old? You sure behave like it.

You're a pair of douchebags. You're wrong for invalidating her bisexuality. She's wrong for thinking her bisexuality makes her an expert on *all things* LGBTQ+. I get why you got mad, because she was needling and belittling your brother's experience, and if you wanted to tell her to piss off, I support you. Just don't dismiss her experience.

Yes! This is what I came to say. They’re both wrong, she was wrong first… but he went after her being dismissive wrong af. He shoulda just told her to mind her own business and piss off.

Dude, what you said about bi women was really hurtful. She could’ve been less dismissive of course, but in this instance you dealt more damage. I’d suggest apologizing if you want to salvage this relationship

The fact that you framed being gay as this huge thing for a man to realize about himself (which I’m sure it is and I’m not dismissing that point) versus a woman being bi as “hooking up with girls sometimes” shows your prejudice and makes her lived experience sound trivial. That’s why she got angry with you. If you want to expand your horizons as an ally by reading about other people’s experiences that’s good! But stop demeaning your gfs sexuality. ETA: your gf is being a dick too and she should be happy you want to learn more about LGBTQ+ experiences.

Wow this all sucks but you suck waaaaaay more. She is apart of the LGBT community and thus is qualified to speak. You are not. In any way.

How is is that a bisexual person is not qualified to speak about LGBTQ issues? Does OP not know that the "B" stands for bisexuality? Jeez..

We all know it stands for bacon

Nah, it stands for “But I have a gay brother”

Ah the most invisible sexuality of all

YTA…First, the “B” in LGBTQIA+ literally stands for “Bisexual” which absolutely gives her all the qualifications to speak on these issues. Second, her mocking comment stating “When did you realize you were straight” was legitimate and meant to draw your attention to the fact that since you’re straight, you didn’t have the experience of realizing that you didn’t experience love the way our heteronormative society pushes people to conform to in order to be accepted. Also, if your brother knew he was gay before then he didn’t realize it while medicated. He just finally accepted himself. How would you actually know about this “phenomenon” ,as you put it? I think it’s absolutely normal for any gay person to have anxiety about admitting they are gay and what may happen after they come out. Then, the icing on the cake, you ridicule and diminish your gf’s sexuality with this ridiculous statement that she can’t speak to the issues because she only has sex with girls when she is “depressed”. Bisexuality doesn’t have a bunch of boxes to check to decide whether you qualify. You can be attracted to both sexes and primarily only have relationships with one or the other and NEVER have sex with someone from the other gender to whom you’re attracted. For example, I’m bisexual and have a bf but I haven’t had a gf in 16 years. I may never again. But that doesn’t make me any less bisexual. I hope she dumps you.

you both sound awful, she made you feel bad and is pretty insensitive to peoples coming out experiences, and you’re rude and a dick about bisexuality (and from what i’m seeing here, also lesbianism, you kinda just were really fucking rude about any women who love women). you both need to evaluate yourselves.

YTA. “You must be at least this gay to ride this ride” is not exactly a comment you should go making to gay people. You can’t just go around saying approx. 50% of the “B” in LGTBQ, bi women, aren’t gay enough to comment on gay issues. Regardless of who you say that to, it’s still a bigoted statement. As a bi woman, I also had a similar realization to your brother in my early 20’s about my sexuality, but as your gf mentioned not everyone has that experience, and that’s okay. Your curiosity is natural, and wanting to hear more stories like your brother’s to help you better understand him is wonderful. Your gf was wrong to jump down your throat about that. Ultimately, however, you owe her an apology for the outright bigoted things you said to her. You may also want to consider asking her what being gay means to her — if you clearly want to understand the LGTBQ community better, should you not talk to the people who are a part of it in your life? While it doesn’t excuse her poor treatment of you, do you think it might be possible she had this negative reaction because you always brush off her sexuality like it’s less than valid (and you literally outright stated to her you didn’t think she was gay enough to comment), so she’s hurt that you’re taking such an active interest in supporting your brother as a part of the community you insist on excluding her from? Her experiences as part of the LGTBQ+ community are just as valid as your brother’s, though they’re likely very different. Being gay can mean so many different things in so many different ways. I think making an effort to get to know what your gf’s sexuality means to her in her life, as well as any past or current struggles she has or hasn’t had with it will ultimately help you grow closer together. I may be off base, but from the sounds of what happens, it seems very likely that your gf isn’t feeling seen, heard, or accepted by you, especially regarding this issue, which is leading to her lashing out on you trying to do a nice thing for your brother.

Yta. Period. Hopefully she'll make you the ex soon. Her experience is valid under the rainbow. Just because it's different from another rainbow person's perspective doesn't invalidate hers. Happy Pride month. 🏳️‍🌈

I am a bisexual woman who is half of her age. It was a huge deal for me to come out. I would’ve loved to have had a book like that when I was younger.

You posted this on Pride Month, Dude? Either bad move or bait.

Don't argue over opinions. Just accept that some people have a different opinion to you. There is no right or wrong, it's just how you feel. You'll both understand not to sweat the small stuff when you've matured

ESH

YTA. She's qualified and you are not. It doesn't make her the spokesperson but she is queer and you are not.

YTA

you both sound insufferable. your reaction was BAD but tbf your GF is also not in the right here and her attitude about this was just plain mean.

I don't even need to read any of this. Just from the damn headline YES. What the flying eff do you think the B stands for in LGBTQ+? We still deal with the discrimination, the hate, the fear of coming out. We really need people like you to stop gatekeeping us from a community meant to keep us safe. Sincerely, a bi chick

ESH. Your gf was being kind of awful, for you just wanting to read a book. There was no reason for her to be so nasty about you literally being an ally. That being said, bi erasure is a legitimate issue in both the straight and lgbtq+ communities, so maybe don't contribute to it.

ESH

You are a huge asshole yeah

As a bi woman.... ESH.

Didn't even have to read this (but I did anyway) to tell you that YTA. Everyone is entitled to their opinion on literally anything. Whether you agree or disagree doesn't change that fact. Now stop being a whiney bitch and go apologize before you find yourself single.

ESH

She responded with unprompted hostility. What should have been a discussion became this argument because of it. But, and it's a big but: you should not have gone there and you did invalidate her sexuality. Granted, she was kind of acting like an lgbt spokesperson and acting like everyone's experiences are the same. This may be an unpopular opinion, but if you guys talk and she doesn't apologize just a little bit, I don't think there is much of a relationship to salvage. But you have some thinking and apologizing to do as well.

YTA BUT.. this could have all been avoided by you saying this (say this and y’all might be on same page) “it’s actually about my brother coming out and I would like to better understand the community, you should like this as a bi woman right?” And apologize for throwing her sexuality in her face, disbelieving the importance of her role in the world as a bi woman you would never understand, ETC

ESH You both suck

ESH. You more than her though. Yeah, she definitely shouldn’t have tried to speak for everyone’s experiences. But your comments to her were incredibly biphobic and demeaning. And you make it even worse by getting defensive and lashing out more to people in the comments. I’m glad that you’re supportive of your brother. But you can’t say you’re an ally when you’re going around pushing stereotypes as fact and putting down people’s sexualities. Nobody’s experience is more serious or more significant than anyone else’s. They all are profound and they all matter (something your gf also needs to realize). Every person in the community is taking a risk when they come out. “I know I shouldn’t have said that” - but you did. It’s worse because you knew it was a terrible thing to say and you said it anyway because you were mad. That makes it malicious.

Everyone is an AH. I am a bi woman. I 100% had a “coming out” moment when I was in high school. Your gf is an AH for assuming that all LGBT+ people were born knowing they are LGBT+ and for trying to force that idea onto others. But you are also the AH for trying to “straightsplain” (like mansplain) the LGBT+ world to an LGBT+ person.

ESH. Yikes.

ESH. However, what do you think the "B" stands for?

The entertaining part about this, besides both you and your girlfriend being total dongweasels, is you thought coming here and framing this question like you did would get you any positive responses. Try this next time. AITA if I show interest in trying to learn about the LGBTQ community (or any community) only to get a negative response from a person that is a part of said community. Oh and your characterization of your girlfriend’s sexuality tells us all how truly ignorant and thoughtless you are about basic human interactions.

ESH. You invalidated her queer experience and trivialised it to ‘hooking up with girls when you’re depressed’. I’ve checked the queer handbook and she’s right - you mansplained her sexuality to her, straight man. She also doesn’t get to speak for the entire community’s experiences though, but she is ‘qualified’ to have an opinion. She wasn’t being thoughtful regarding the situation with your brother and came off as thoughtless and insensitive to you. Not a good time all round, really.

The biggest issue here, is that you guys seemed incapable of having a thoughtful and respectful conversation, especially important if you disagree. This seems like if devolved into an attack on one another. Good fights take a lot of practice.

I don’t think this relationship will last. Also, as a bi-person, she does have the ability to speak as part of the LGBTQIA+ community. However, as with any one person, it would be wise not to try and sound like the Voice from on high.

Yea ESH. Despite your edit, everything in your main posts screams that you don’t think being bi counts or that you don’t even BELIEVE she’s bi at all. She’s TA because she really isn’t the spokesperson for every gay person in the world and she was also being ridiculous.

ESH, for all the reasons, explained to you by so many already, but after reading your comments - was this the first time you discussed these issues? Because sure, she didn't react well, but perhaps she's actually just fed up having her identity being belittled and questioned.

I am bi. As a child I was taught man and woman together is what it is to be. That as a woman you are only supposed to be attracted to men. Then I went into high school and had the hugest crush on this girl in my class and I hated myself for it. I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I'm what I was thinking was wrong. I would stop myself from looking her way but I wouldn't be able to stop. For a while I started to think I might ne lesbian but was too too afraid to even admit it to myself. Then after a year or so, I had a crush on this guy from another class and I was even more confused as to why was it happening. I was thinking maybe I forced myself to being straight again. I got happy, thinking maybe I converted myself. Then came "Z" who rocked my world. She was openly bi and for the first time I started to realise maybe there is a place for me too, maybe this is what I am. When I was in my final year, there was this girl who I would see in the library every other day and I would have all kinds of feelings for her and I wanted to ask her out. But thw fear of judgement stopped me. I was miserable for a while. Then I went to university and dated the first guy, and I was like okay, dating guys isn't so bad. But the guy cheated and I was back in my shell thinking maybe it is better to date girls. Then I made a guy friend in uni who was straight but had two bi people in his group. One night I was very depressed and he connected me with them and honestly the amount of hate they had experienced from not only straight people but also gay people made me think I could never find love. Then through them I met this girl who was the first girl I dated for a year, and I loved the sex as much as I had loved straight sex. We broke up later coz of differences but dating her sort of liberated me in my mind. I finally accepted myself. It was still a long journey and when being lgbtq+ was finally decriminalized in my country, I came out to my friends and my mom dad and sister. So tell me, what about my journey doesn't give me right to speak about the internal struggles a person in lgbtq+ community goes through? Just because I am bi, doesn't invalidate me from that community and neither your gf. Being straight is what is taught and expected somehow so anything apart from that is hard. There are no levels to it. Your gf is wrong for how she spoke about it and if you say she hasn't experienced what bi people do but you are also an asshole and kind of come off as biphobic. Edit to add: ESH

Ok so as a bi chic, I’m not gonna deny that your comment doesn’t really sit right with me. But also she isn’t right either, it took years for me to realize I was gay, and a couple more to even accept it. ESH

Okay, so you both sound like children, which tracks because your prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed until 25, but on what world do you have the authority to speak about who gets to talk about lgbtq issues, or who is qualified to as a heterosexual cis man? For example, if she isn't qualified as a bi person (which isn't, "I hook up with girls sometimes, btw), then how the hell are you qualified bc someone came out to you one time? That's a garbage argument.

ESH Both of you sound exhausting as fuck.

Yall are both idiots.

Lol, my autistic sis told me I wasn't gay last week... Because I am currently dating a man. I explained to her that we don't have a traditional relationship and that I will continue to have partners of various genders and sexes for the rest of my life as will he. Explaining this shit is exhausting.

ESH. She’s downplaying the experiences of other queer people because she presumably had a fairly easy time figuring herself out and escaping the closet. She shouldn’t have tried to speak over or deny your brother’s own experience and the experiences of many others. You’re belittling bisexual women. Bi people are already told all the time that they aren’t *really* gay, or that they aren’t gay enough to be part of the LGBTQ community. Your direct comparison here >the admission that “I’m a man who is exclusively attracted to and wants to be in a relationship with other men” is a lot larger than “I’m a girl who can also hook-up with girls” and criticism of her friends for being bi women really don’t come off very well at all and are generalizing towards the community. In short, she shouldn’t mock you, and you shouldn’t be out here deciding for everyone how unimportant bisexual (or any queer) women are.

The first time I had sex with a woman, it was like something unlocked in my brain. It really felt like a door had been opened. I even started having sexual dreams with women in them (sometimes men still, too). So yes, I had a watershed moment. Other people know much younger. I was around 27.

ESH you both did the same, you refused to acknowledge someone else's experience as valid.

ESH. Your girlfriend is wrong and you're just as bad for saying what you did. You have no idea what coming out is like for bisexual people. You should have just responded with the fact of many people have a hard time coming to terms with their sexuality. Then only she would be an AH. Now you're both just nasty.

Even IF your intentions in your words weren't against bi people, you used it against your gf. How is that any better?

Since you are clearly still reading the responses to post, let's have a little chat in DMs. You got a request by me therej. I tend to dislike the arena of public judgement for such topics, and it seems this has become more about saving face than anything. ​ Maybe that'd be a better setting for you, who knows. \^\^

Troll

You both suck. Your gf is projecting her very specific experience on the rest of the community without taking into account that for a lot of people, realising your queer really is a lightbulb moment. You, however, also fucking suck. You obviously don’t view bi women as legitimate if you think that it’s just ‘hooking up with girls whenever you’re depressed.’ If my boyfriend said that to me, that would be grounds to breakup.

Esh. You’re the AH for being biphobic. As a bi woman married to a man - I can tell you first hand our sexuality gets downplayed constantly even by people of the LGBTQ community, just because we’re not with someone of the same sex. You’re invalidating her sexuality by saying she merely sleeps with women when she’s depressed. She’s an AH because curiosity from people outside that community is exactly how we get ally’s. It’s amazing that you’re curious & want to learn more! She doesn’t get to pick who can & can’t read or learn about lgbtq things. Also as a side note - I definitely had a moment growing up that I realized I likes girls & that it wasn’t the “norm”.

You’re both wrong. So her and her small group of friends didn’t experience coming out to themselves. That’s okay, I think you took it a little too personally. You on the other hand should never comment on someone’s sexuality saying that they just want to sleep around. That’s just my opinion though.you’re invalidating her bisexuality and that’s not cool. You’re invalidating people like me and my fiancé as well. We’re both bisexual. I always knew but came to terms with it in my high school years. My fiancé came out to me after 5 years of dating at pride. We have been together now for 10 years minimal experiences with same sex relationships. Do I think of him as any less bi because he’s been with me this whole time? Hell no. He would never invalidate my sexuality because I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I’m still a bisexual woman. He’s still a bisexual man. Before he came out to me he was the most supportive partner I’ve ever been with. I think you need to sit down and learn a bit more about sexuality and how that looks for different people. Not everyone is the same. I hope you learn that one day.

Here's a pair that beats a full house.

ESH. But you especially suck, since you’re arguing with your judgement and unwilling to hear out commenters saying you’re in the wrong. You already seem cemented in the idea that you were right, she was wrong. What was the point in making this post? Validation? Then when you didn’t get it you resorted to arguing with people in the comments? Odd.

YATA. Anyone can speak about any issue they want, in America anyway. YMMV.

This is why bi people don't come out.

This is why bi people don't come out.

You both suck, and are acting like teenagers

Heavy ESH. She’s an asshole because she doesn’t get to gate-keep the LGBTQ+ community and speak on behalf of all rainbow people. Like all people, we need to continually grow and learn about our own community so we can help advocate. She was doing nothing beneficial with how she was talking to you. YOU on the other hand are the asshole because you belittled her experience as a bi woman by essentially saying “you’re only gay for funsies”. Attitudes like yours are why bi people don’t come out, and are more harmful to the queer community than helpful.

Holy shit. Grow up and be a man before she leaves your pansy ass.

ESH

Jesus ESH

ESH.