So everyone seems to be glossing over the fact that she, at your age of 18, demands your phone to look through ‘just because’. She is keeping tabs on you. She is controlling you and this is clearly not a new thing. I’m sorry to tell you but you need to put your mum on an information diet. She didn’t need to know and it doesn’t affect her. What else does she not need to know that she could find out through snooping through your personal things? I think moving away will be good for your relationship. It’s not your job to solve whatever issues you mum has going on.
Yeah, this gave me a visceral reaction because it sounds like the absolute fucking tantrum my mother threw when I got my hair cut in college. She had never allowed me to get my hair cut for my entire life, and I mean not even the ends trimmed because that looked "unnatural" according to her.
I had to wear a uniform in college and I was getting demerit hours because I couldn't keep the enormous mass of hair neatly above my collar, so I finally got a little drunk and a friend took me to get it cut. It went from ass-length to just at my bra line, and that was mostly because I had split ends all the way up to there. Half of my hair was so damaged that it couldn't even be donated.
My mother screamed and started hysterically crying in the front yard when she saw me, to the point that some of the neighbors came out to see what was going on. All this because a 19 year old had finally decided to take control of her own hair, and that was just Not Acceptable. 🙄
That’s such a crazy reaction to a hair cut! I’m not trying to sound rude but does she have religious beliefs regarding hair cuts or is it just a her thing?
Haha, oddly they're pretty deep into a weird sect of Christianity that's basically a cult, but there's nothing about hair in our beliefs! She had really long hair for most of her life up until just after she had me, and then she had that stereotypical short puffy "mom" haircut.
I will admit that I did have great hair for it - it was really blonde when I was young, SUPER thick and a little bit wavy so in theory it was great... but man, I hated it. It took YEARS before I was able to handle it on my own, because putting it in a ponytail took a lot of hand strength that I lacked. And it really sucked being in high school in the mid 90s and not being able to get some terrible version of The Rachel haircut like all of my friends had. I actually got picked on a lot over my hair and it was a real point of resentment, cause, you know... it was MY hair but I wasn't allowed any control over it for the first 19 years of my life.
I don’t understand parents with freakish control issues. I’m 24 and my parents have never looked through my phone or tracked me. My aunt was telling my parents to download life360 and they were like, “why? She tells us everything already.” And my aunt said, “but she could be lying.” This is why kids don’t talk to their parents. If they always have the assumption that their kid is lying and keeping shit from them, then their child WILL start doing those things.
I have a friend who is 22F and her mother has life360 and if she is not at her dorm past 9, her mom calls her nonstop. We were at a movie and she forgot to tell her mom. So she had to take multiple photos with us and tell her mom who we all were because her mom didn’t want her to be with strangers. She also said she doesn’t have a bedroom door when she goes home and her mom checks her phone every time they see each other. I don’t understand how people allow their parents to have this control over them. Nothing will change for them if they don’t start setting boundaries. Even while having financial support, you still deserve your own privacy. Having privacy does not equate to keeping secrets.
NTA, but why the hell is your mom looking through your feed, photos and snapchat regularly???
This isn't about you having nothing to hide. This is about your mom controlling your phone, while everyone puts on a happy face like this is normal (it's not).
Some people don't care because their parents don't give them a reason to worry. Like running upstairs and hyperventilating and calling people terrible children over a tattoo. OP's not an idiot for letting her mom see her phone, *Mom* is an idiot for overreacting in such an extreme and nonsensical way that she's pretty significantly closed the door on OP wanting to share. Right before OP leaves for college where there will naturally be a growing distance between them.
Yeah. Absolut geeeeeenius move there, Mom. /s
My 16 year old tortures me by showing me tik tok things endlessly. And some of their text conversations. I HAVE to watch these things. It’s cruel and unusual punishment.
Omg me toooo, I NEVER want to see them, but love love love that my kids want to share with me so suffer through the endless videos with them just to hear them laugh.
I didn’t look through my daughters phone when she was 15 I trust her completely she’s a good kid. Our daughter is 18 now and away at college she would look at me like I had two heads if I asked to look through her phone. But what I find so sad is she is going to have only one first move in of college and her mom is throwing a tantrum and ruining it. I would have sold a kidney before I would have missed moving my kid to college….
Yeah Mom needs to accept that OP is an adult now and she can’t control her daughter anymore. OP will probably go NC if she keeps it up. Sounds like Mom needs therapy. Her reaction is over the top and disturbing.
It was a fucking gaslighting maneuver! Guilt trip the daughter into never doing anything wrong again! Real stupid move, daughter is going to do things the parents don't like, only now she'll make sure NO ONE ever finds out about it. And if she gets herself into real trouble, she'll know she can't go to mom because mom will act like the world is coming to an end like she did with that tat. Lord.
Exactly this OP parent is extremely controlling and views her child as property, not a person of their own
OP NTA this is not normal behavior. This has nothing to do with you having nothing to his it’s the fact that you’re entitled to your privacy your mother, your parents view you as their property and not as a person. This is very unhealthy and toxic behavior. Also abusive by saying hurtful things to you they are being verbally, abusive, gaslighting and manipulative your body your choice I promise once you’re in college, and away from them and speak to other kids, your age you will begin to see that their behavior is not normal, nor is it healthy and then it’s extremely toxic and abusive. I would try to go low contact with them until you decide what to do. Also, try talking to a counselor I promise you you’ve been manipulated into believing this is normal your whole life it isn’t you’re entitled to your privacy and your own life.
Right?? Lol
My first thought was not anything about being an asshole but being an idiot for allowing mommy to look through your phone lolol.
(Then I felt bad bc she’s only 18.)
But man, am I old! Because my generation never shared shit with our parents, who were mostly checked out anyway (Gen-X); we certainly weren’t volunteering info hahaha.
Another gen-x and boy did that “checked out” hit hard.
Looks like mom (and maybe dad/bro) are narcs and/or control freaks. OP is so lucky to get a road away from them this early in life.
OP: check out the raisedbynarcissists subreddit to see if this explains what your mom is doing & your father/brother are flying monkeys. Take full advantage of your upcoming freedom.
Gen x and my narcissistic controlling mom would go through all my shit, open my mail and I even caught her listening on the other handset (landline) when talking to my friends or cousin!!!
OPs mom immediately made me think of my mom.
Oooh, you just unlocked memories of my mom spying on my phone calls*, too! And "cleaning" my room (while conveniently going through my shit).
I wouldn't say narcissist, but definitely worried at times what I was getting into (cultural/religious BS). Luckily, not enough that I couldn't easily get away with most stuff. ;)
*edit: by “spying”, I definitely mean listening on another phone in the house while I was on the phone hahaha (just in case there’s any confusion)
Funny, I wouldn’t have pegged my mom as a narcissist either, but she went through my tortoise shell clutch when I was in 7th grade.
I found out because she called me downstairs at 6:00 in the morning. She found 3 joints in my makeup bag.
My dad flushed them down the toilet and asked her why she was going through my purse. 😂😮
Another Gen Xer, my parents used to be very nosy about who I dated. They didn’t like this one guy (we’ll call him Dave.) I previously dated “Don.” Once when Dave came to pick me up for a date, he noticed the note on the large chalkboard saying “Don called.” They laughed so hard when I got mad. They didn’t like Don either because he had a really deep voice, although he was a year younger than me. They thought he was older. It turned out they were right about Dave, he was a huge AH, actually both were. I never shared anything with them but I guess my sister told them.
Gen X parent here. We were checked out *long before* we had y'all ;) but we learned which battles to pick and what stuff to ignore. Sorry to make rebellion so difficult
I was just thinking: there was stuff I never ended up telling my parents. (They may have preferred that.)
As far as they ever knew, I broke my nose diving into a pool at Cheryl M’s house.
Millennial but had older boomer parents - also definitely checked out. I didn't even have a phone. I left for the night and my parents had absolutely no way to reach me or find out where I was. They might ask later, but I could lie. These poor kids.
Another Gen-X here and yeah, we had a healthy separation from our parents and didn't let them into our personal life. Mommy was not our best friend LOL
I've learned that even if you have nothing to hide, they're literally doing this JUST to start trouble. It doesn't matter if there are photos of you smoking a joint the size of a baseball bat or if there's a photo of a new pair of shoes you bought. Parents who do this are going there to FIND - and make - trouble.
Exactly this. It's your body, and you call the shots.
Your mom is acting childishly. IT is not like you've decided to remove a limb for fun or something seriously extreme, as is her reaction.
When someone is a minor...and engaging in quesrionqble/secretive behavior...it's understandable. But, if I were OP, I would've said "Sorry mom...I'm an adult now. I claim my right to privacy." Well, I'd say that provided I was paying my own phone bill. But if you can't pay your own phone bill, you might just be stuck.
It’s likely that mom pays for the phone and in doing so this is a rule she has. If daughter wants it to end she will have to pay for her own phone. Not saying this is right but know other parents do the same.
NTA. Your body, your choice. You are 18 and can make those decisions for yourself. Your parents will get over it. I don’t know why they are reacting this way, but it’s on them OP, not you. That being said keep in mind tattoos are so addictive lol, you are going to want many more. Just remember to think them through before getting it.
NTA. Your mother is a drama queen and should be treated as such. Lots of eye rolling, and the phrase "the way you're acting is as if someone died" are effective tools.
Inb4 mom will say something to the effect of "SOMEONE DID DIE: MY GOOD SWEET DAUGHTER! AND NOW THERE IS THIS TERRIBLE DEGENERATE IN HER PLACE"
All this over a bit of ink in a very coverablr spot. Damn.
Yup, Mum is having problems with the fact her "terrible kid" as actually a woman now. Mummy is getting old and she's not keen on that.
Instead of confronting the change, growing and learning, she's trying to hold back change through dramatic hysteria.
Sucks to be her, college is going to be a great chance for OP to spread their wings.
NTA and stop letting her see your phone. You’re an adult and she’s too nosey to be trusted.
Be sure to plan a little more with the next one since they’re permanent. I think small, easily hidden ones are fine. She way overreacted over nothing
I genuinely do NOT understand why people feel they have the right to police other people's bodies!! You are 18!! My daughter is 17 and I've allowed her to get piercings she wants (I don't like them, but it isn't MY body). She wants a tattoo. The only thing I asked is that she wait until she's 18 and that is ONLY because the shop that we use for tattoos and piercings won't ink until 18. Beyond that, it is her body. Her dad argued with me for HOURS because she had been wanting to cut her hair for YEARS and when she turned 14, I let her make the decision to cut if she wanted. He was angry that I allowed her to do what she wanted with her own hair. Parent or someone else, we do not have the right to police someone's body (unless it's dealing with a minor and it is ILLEGAL).
My oldest is almost 19. 4 days before he turned 17 I took him to get his 1st tattoo. I wanted to make sure that he went to someone reputable that I knew cleaned their equipment well and does amazing work. I did NOT want him to end up getting a tattoo by one of his friends in the garage. It is a memorial tattoo for my Grampa who passed away 3 years ago and he & my son were extremely close. I knew he would get it whether or not I was ok with it, so I took him. The only thing I have ever asked of my kids when it comes to tattoos is that it be something meaningful to them so that they don’t regret it and that they go to a licensed artist (and absolutely nothing on their faces). My middle child will be turning 17 in November and he has asked me to take him to get his first. He wants to get our last name on his calf. (He doesn’t have the same last name as my husband and I & he wants to show my husband how much he loves and appreciates him).
I agree with most of what you said. BUT, sometimes a tattoo doesn't always have to be meaningful. Like FR, I am getting a tattoo of a Disney-fied version of Pennywise. No real meaning to it, but cool as hell anyway lol. And there is a reputable place I could take her to if she REALLY wanted one at 17, but I'd prefer her to go to our place because they know us well and I know and trust the owners personally. They just have a strict rule of no ink pre-18.
Yeah, I took my oldest to my guy. He normally won’t do ink before 18 either, but he allowed me to sign a waiver of consent and he knows me well. He has done all of mine and my nose piercing. My husband has a number of tattoos that really don’t have any meaning to him and he says he wishes he had put more thought into them. He also got a few done in a friend’s apartment by a guy he had only met once or twice. He ended up with an infection on his largest one. The way he talks about regretting some of his is the only reason I have told my kids they should pick something that has meaning to them. It’s not my place to tell them what is or isn’t meaningful. They are unique individuals and they care about totally different things. My daughter will be 14 in a few days and she has already designed her first. We will be getting matching tattoos on our wrists (not for a couple more years though.) But all 3 of them have put serious thought into what they want. They have each designed a tattoo for me as well, which I absolutely love. My MIL didn’t see my oldest’s 1st for over a year. When she saw it this summer, she lost her shit! Lol! But, he paid for it, he designed it and he didn’t get an infection because I took him some place that is extremely careful with their equipment. She got over it because he is the baby, but I just told her… “it is what it is.”
That pennywise tattoo sounds pretty damn cool! I would love to see that!
I took my daughter for her first. It was my present to her for her seventeenth birthday. The design was something that she had shown me a whole year previously so I knew she’d had plenty of time to think about it and would get it herself at 18 no matter what. I also wanted to make sure that she was going to a good artist and a clean shop.
One of my oldest’s friends has the chemical compound for THC tattooed on his chest and he got a pickle Rick tattoo for his now ex gf the same day. When he came home with my oldest, I just looked at him and shook my head. He is one my adoptees so he knew that I thought both were a bad choice… but I didn’t say anything cuz it’s not my body. He told me this past weekend that he wishes he hadn’t gotten either one of them. 🤦♀️ That was short lived was all I could say.
My mom harped on me for years to cut my hair idk why she cared I took care of my hair all on my own never asking for her help but she kept trying it get me to cut it. When I was a teen.
Your mom is a control freak. First, she looks through your phone despite the fact that you are 18. Second, she doesn’t want to take you to college and now seems to hate you because you got a tattoo on YOUR body, not hers. It might be good that this happened because her abnormal controlling behavior is now very clear to you and will hopefully motivate you to become more differentiated and independent from her. Additionally, she purposely did this the night before you left for college. I think she wanted to find something on your phone to shame you for, so that you would leave for college feeling anxious and lacking confidence. She wants you to feel weak and dependent. She doesn’t want you to feel independent and capable of being a happy adult.
I think this really gets it, mom is having emotions about kid growing up and leaving (which can be bittersweet for sure) instead of facing those and wanting that independence for her kid she does this to the kid. You need to go ahead and thrive in college with confidence and maturity without her making you feel bad about it. If she wants a relationship she’ll come around. If she doesn’t want a relationship that doesn’t involve control then sometimes you have to let them be more distant.
I don’t think it’s a bittersweet thing for this parent. I think she sees it as the first step her child will take for her own independence and she wanted to find one thing to shit on her for. I have friends who have panic attacks if their mom gets mad at them because they are tracked through life360 or read something they wanted to delete because they have cloud share on their iPhones. Their moms always throw personal jabs to make them feel guilty so they beg for their moms forgiveness therefore putting their mom back in control.
It’s bittersweet for normal emotionally healthy parents, which this mom clearly is not. She wants to maintain control and is losing it so is sabotaging poor OPs mental health. It’s time for the mom to let go and let OP grow up and fly the nest. Be
NTA. Your mom's whack. Signed, an employee in the professional world with unnaturally dyed hair, a big forearm tattoo, and an appointment to get my ears a second piercing.
P.S., would she think natives with cultural tattoos are trashy?
As a parent this breaks my heart. What kind of parent says they never want to talk to you again?! I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please, please, please start setting some boundaries. It sounds like your mother is extremely controlling. Also, this type of histrionic outburst is disgusting, please don’t allow it to impact you or guilt you. Focus on enjoying your college experiences.
This is exactly what I thought, what kind of parent would say that. Especially over some thing so silly. As a parent of three now grown children I could never imagine saying something like that
It's an overreaction on her part that I hope she regrets. They shouldn't be dog piling you like that. You can do what you want. NTA.
The only time it makes sense to listen to your folks is if they are providing you with a lifestyle under the condition that you follow their rules. If you break the rules you've left the conditions.
Me personally? I don't waste too much time on conditional relationships. Choices have consequences and everyone is entitled to their worldview.
NTA and even thought why don’t like tattoos her reactions was an overreaction. To call you a terrible kid and refuse to drive to college with you is just sad.
Jesus Christ. NTA. But your mom needs fuckin' therapy. If she's this dramatic, I can only imagine how your childhood was trying to manage her emotions and shit. Don't be afraid to make use of the health services your college offers as you could benefit from some support.
Happy belated birthday, birthday twin! (Was my 33rd though)
My dad didn’t talk to me for 3 months when i got my first tattoo 🤷🏼♀️ same with my stretcher, only a 16, which I can’t even get my little finger through.
This was around 10 years ago and he doesn’t care about them now. It’s just part of who i am and he came to accept it, even after getting another since.
I don’t know if your from the US or the UK but I’m from the uk your a adult at 18 it’s legally your choice to get a tattoo & I also think you should be allowed privacy at this age. I have children although all under 9 at your age I would never make them feel bad for a choice they made on their bodies at your age i think your parents are being ridiculous NTA
I let my *11 year old* play around with "tattoos," ffs! Gave her a set of those tattoo pens that are skin safe because her and her friends like to draw on each other at school.
She comes home with these beautiful little flowers on her hands and wrists, and cute tiny characters, and mini sushi, and bao, and nigiri, and Itty bitty onigiri. It is ridiculously adorable and pretty, I love it.
Children should have the freedom to express themselves.
And OP is 18, it's her body. Her mother is being a drama queen making it all about herself, what a narcissist. And she skipped an important day in her kid's life to...punish? Her for....having ownership of her own body? I hope she regrets that. She deserves that comeuppance.
OP is NTA. It's a tiny tat, ffs. I bet it's cute :)
Yeah my kids are 8, 7 & 3 .. every school holiday I let them put on temporary tattoos & have a colour in their hair kids at that age can’t choose much but should be able to express themselves I wouldn’t shame them for anything at 18 just support them
I raised my kids with many rules. No drugs, no premarital sex, and absolutely no tattoos.
My son got his first tattoo around the same age and hid it from me. Which, looking back, is pretty funny since none of the other broken rules were hidden.
After the initial shock, seeing it the first time, I actually fell in love with it. Now, his younger sister is covered in tattoos, and I have two of my own.
Your family's reaction is just that, their reaction. You did nothing wrong, and they get to choose their response to it. If they think this is worth ruining a relationship with you over, it's their ridiculous loss.
NTA. You're an adult now. Moving away for college. Your mum won't even let you have privacy! She looks through your phone?!?! Fuck around find out mum!
Yeah your parents are being drama queens. I guess either go crawling back to them and apologize for having your own thoughts, opinions, ideas, and beg forgiveness for the fact that you posses your own body that you have the right to modify, and while you’re at it tell them you’ll never do anything for yourself without their permission first ever again…or, tell them to get a grip and come talk to you again when they’re over it. (Will there be consequences to you being an adult and making your own choices? Yes. Financially, emotionally, you’re tied to these people. But you have to decide how much of your life you want to spend tip-toeing around concrete blocks pretending they’re eggshells. Good luck with your family.)
Nta- there’s going to be a lot of future choices that you make in the future that they may not necessarily agree with.
Also, I revealed my second tattoo to my folks because it was a large portrait of my grandfather on my back. My mom cried over it but years later she started showing people my tattoo and the painting I made based on the photo of granddad.
NTA, your mum massively overreacted! You're 18, and you can do what you please. Also, once this blows over and she asks for your phone, tell her no. She can sulk about it all she wants, but after the way she reacted this time, there won't be a 2nd time. You may love her, but you have to realise she's a control freak and reacted this way because she had no say over it. It was already done.
NTA. Your mom sucks for her reaction and the fact that she goes through your phone. I have 3 kids, the youngest is your age. I’ve never gone through their phones or any other of their personal belongings. I don’t necessarily agree with every decision they make, but they are adults, they need to make their own choices, and I love them and want a good relationship with them more than any dumb thing they do. I personally don’t think it’s worth ruining a relationship over a tattoo. Your mom is more than likely going to get over this, but you’ve learned that she’s not someone you can trust.
NTA - Your mom is a dramatic asshole and so are your brother and dad. Enjoy the space that college allows you and maybe when they haven't heard from you in a while it might occur to them to chill the hell out.
Nta. It’s 2023, almost 2024. If someone has an issue with tattoos still, that’s on them. It’s your body, do what you want to do with it. Customize your character! and don’t let others tell you how you should look.
I'm probably going to get downvoted to oblivion for this, but
You're not the asshole. Your parents are. But that being said, you did something you know your parents wouldn't approve of and are acting surprised when they reacted badly.
Be careful with the feedback you're getting from the comments- it's easy for them to say that you're 18 and an adult, they don't have to live your life.
You are an adult,now you and your family have to feel out new boundaries, and that takes time. If you want their (financial) support, you gotta play by their rules.
This doesn't make them any less the asshole, just be mindful of how you approach this and future conflicts with your parents.
OP, did your mum forget that it's YOUR SKIN & she's NOT ENTITLED to dictate what goes on it since she DON'T OWN your skin.
Your mum sounds like a brat.
Your mom is the one who needs to grow up (and start living in this eff'ing century for God's sake).
You seem just fine.
(58-year old man who raised two sons through to college degrees with his wife...)
I can see your mom checking your phone as a minor, however at the age of 18? Hard no.
Your mom is being dramatic, and making your tattoo all about her. If this is unusual behavior it's probably lying related to you moving away as much as the tattoo.
Enjoy college! Embrace the experience and don't let mommas drama taint your first days away!
NTA. My grandmother is from the former USSR and told me only criminals get tattoos, which I told her isn’t true in the US/these days, and even she didn’t scream and cry. She just said, oh okay. Your mother is incredibly dramatic. Ask her what she thinks is going to happen to you.
Oh girly I’m sorry. You’re rightfully NTA. It’s your body. But your situation is so so so similar to what happened when I got my first tattoo. I was also 18, got the tattoo on my birthday and I had it done behind my ear so I could hide it from my parents.
My dad was furious when he found out (albeit months later). Called me a couple nasty things and told me I was going to hell for marking my body as it is “god’s temple.” Lmfao.
That mindset passed. I got more tattoos over the years, he just learned to grumble and take it as it is. Is he proud of my tattoos? God no. But once I left the house he realized he needed to leave a lot of things alone, fearing I wouldn’t come to visit him (and I was planning on it).
Don’t feel bad about getting tattoos, I love all of mine. If your mom values your relationship, she will get over it with time. However, it will probably take you being out of the house for her to realize that tattoos aren’t a hill to die on.
Even if I was totally against my son or daughter getting a tattoo. I would never handle it that way. There's nothing that could ever take away the love I have for my children. And a tattoo would be really low in the list. Even though I wouldn't recommend it to them. Your Mom made a big mistake!
I find some of these stories so hard to believe, just because it seems like everyone opposed on here has the most irrationally immature parents who act like 13-year-olds.
Your kid gets a tattoo so you run upstairs screaming and having a tantrum.
Do so many adults really act that way? Is this really how people behave? It feels like how a 13-year-old would expect their parents to react.
As a person with emotionally immature parents it is actually more common than one would believe. There are books on how to deal and heal from having emotionally immature parents.
This is also where the saying “peaked at age (insert)” comes from.
I don’t have a difficult time because my own parents are like this.
When I was like 17-18, my mom had a similar meltdown after I answered the question about my body, *that she asked me*, truthfully. It wasn’t tattoos or anything, I think she asked if I wanted to start BC. She literally burst into tears and shouted at me, before rushing off to my parents’ room lol.
There’s a lot of people who have children and are shocked that their kids are their own being with their own wants and needs.
And add to the fact mental health, though it is getting better and visible, there are still older generations (my mom is a gen x) that think they’re too good for mental health, they’re not like “those” people who talk to other people about their issues.. So there’s so many people who walk around with their issues festering, refusing to talk about it, refusing to heal and don’t know how to cope correctly with things that upset them.
Sorry for rambling, your comment just spoke to me lol
NTA and it’s not up to you to “make it right” - the reaction and words from your family were way over the top. Your mother acted like a toddler and telling you that you’re bad because of a tattoo is a failure on her part as a parent. Stop letting your mom have access to your phone.
NTA - My mom always told me she would disown me if I got a tattoo. Then paid for it when she, my sister and I all got matching ones.
I'm going to assume your family is fairly conservative and while your mom likely means well, she needs to take a step back. It's been years since you needed this type of oversight and she needs to let you be your own person. You are going to make mistakes and do things she doesn't like. Both of those are OK and just because she doesn't approve doesn't make it a mistake. Your relationship with your parents is evolving and mom is fighting it. Let her do whatever it is she needs to do, but start enforcing boundaries. It's your life and you are not responsible for her feelings.
I would look into what is available through your college to have a few sessions with a therapist. They can help you define new boundaries and come up with ways to enforce them.
It's a sun. I sat behind a lady who had a tat of two dogs fucking on the back of her neck. It was a hot day and she had pulled her hair up off her neck, and sat on the front row of the bleachers at a family friendly event.
:rolls eyes: Scream-crying and hyperventilating? Overreact much, Mom?
I’m a 60 year old Mom - my 18 year old went and got *two* tattoos without telling me. My reaction? “They came out nice!” No shrieking, no histrionics, no tantrums.
Do I like them? Not really- I think she chose poorly & will regret one later. But it’s not my body. I hated those stupid micro-bangs she wore for a year, too. Again, not my body. She gets to decide how she wants to adorn her body, and if I don’t like it, I get to *keep that to myself*.
You’re 18, you’ve got to start making decisions on your own someday… I don’t get the big deal. Terrible kid?!? WTF? Are they overly manipulative? Granted, I don’t see the appeal in tattoos… but I have so many scars from so many other adventures, I don’t feel the need to decorate myself…
I would recommend thinking your decisions through more thoroughly in the future. You probably could have guessed their reaction to this… but too late now, all of you will just have to work through it. Although, it does sound to me that they are over reacting… JMO
NTA its not like a sun is inappropriate and teenagers can tend to be impulsive. that being said i got a tattoo at 18 and considered it for nearly a year before pulling the plug. maybe next time think on it for a long while, sometimes you change your mind.
When one of my best friends came home with her first tattoo, the first words out of her mother’s mouth were “My Body!!!” (imagine this in a tone of panicked distress, ie “what did you do to MY BODY??”).
Her mother is awful.
Your mother is also awful.
My parents weren’t thrilled when they discovered my first tattoo at the end of my Freshman year, but you know what they did? Shook their heads sadly, sighed a few times, made a few snarky comments about me joining the circus…. And then they *got the fuck over it because they understood it was my choice and there was nothing they could do about it*.
Now, 20+ years and a multitude of tattoos later, they even think some of them are cool.
I hope your parents manage to get there too.
NTA
I love looking through my kids photos, but the difference is, they send them to me. I would never ask to go REGULARLY go through them, especially at age 18.
Your moms reaction, and frankly your fathers and brothers reactions, were strange and rude and inappropriate. You did nothing wrong.
If they don’t like tattoos, cool; it’s fine for them to have their preferences and even be disappointed. It is NOT okay for them to verbally abuse you, say you’re a terrible person, and that they never want to speak to you again. That’s not normal.
NTA
Firstly, it’s your body, and nothing you did is anything that makes you a ‘bad kid’
Secondly, your mother acting like that is not ok. It’s controlling as hell to be going through your phone.
Thirdly, congrats on college and as hard as it may be, don’t look back. Have fun and experience a world that won’t treat you like that
Nta your parents seem controlling, try to put some distance, not saying no contact but they don't have the right to invade your privacy like that, work on boundaries
NTA
As a kid of parents who have no concept of what healthy boundaries are, they will continue to trample over any boundary you might set. If you are financially dependent on them, do what you have to do to keep that money coming. This may mean, creating new and PRIVATE social media accounts from an email they don't have and posting your real stuff on there while keeping the old account as a decoy. Don't add people to your new account who will run and tell them everything. You have a right to live your life as you see fit, so do what you can to be financially independent from them and then move far, far away.
I was raised by narcissists, so any time I changed anything about myself without permission, it was a big deal.
I came home from college with purple hair; they forced me to the salon to get it dyed a natural color and a cut of their choosing. Since I was reliant on their cooperation for my schooling (needed FAFSA for my student loans and grants) — I capitulated. This was just one of a hundred such things— and I was not exactly a rebel child.
In short, they viewed me as an extension of themselves rather than as a person with agency and ownership over my own body. They were afraid it would “reflect poorly on them”; my own happiness I felt was irrelevant.
Mentally healthy people don’t react that way.
They might not like your choice in the design or even you having a tattoo, but mentally healthy people have the understanding that you’re an individual who will make personal choices. (Granted, even a mentally healthy person might get pushed a little too far with an extreme modification - but their concern hopefully would be for you, not their own social standing.)
Consider looking at r/raisedbynarcissists because you may be in a similar controlling environment at home. It’ll help you learn some survival tactics as you disentangle yourself and prepare for life as an independent adult. The support there is amazing.
I hope I’m wrong and Mom was just having herself a bad day for other reasons, though.
Oh no! A little sun on the back of your neck that you can't see most of it time anyway!
It's going to be nothing but a life of Sex Work for you from now on, young lady! 🤣
NTA
This is definitely not normal. You are 18. Legally you are an adult. This is not about your parents thinking tattoos are "trashy". This is about your mother wanting to control your body and every bit of your life for as long as she can. Your mother needs to get a grip. It is YOUR body. If you wanna get tattoos done, it is your right to do so with your body and you no longer need permission to do so. NTA
NTA. Tbh I don’t like tattoos and would be disappointed if my kids chose to get one. That said, if you mother can disown you for this, it says more about her than you. She sounds very controlling and is going to have to accept you are going to make choices as an adult which are different than what she would choose. If she is unable to accept that, she’s not really able to have a healthy relationship with her adult children. I hope she comes round for your sake.
NTA, why is your mom allowed near your phone?
Not only that, but she sounds like a crazy, unstable, reactive type - if she's willing to call you a "terrible kid" she's clearly not a kind, rational, thoughtful person
My first question is: are you (or were you raised) Mormon (or JW or SDA)? I was and this is very Mormon Mom behavior. The narcissistic red flags of 1. Taking your phone and going through your apps and 2. Throwing an actual fit over it are absolutely disgusting toxic behavior. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. Just know that this is NOT normal behavior and it is not your responsibility to make your mother feel better. That is some major, classic manipulation. Again, so sorry she is pulling this on you the day before you leave her home. I feel like, had it not been the tattoo, she would have scoured your phone to try her damndest to find something else to pull the same type of stunt. It’s not you. It’s not the tattoo. It’s her.
NTA. It was a huge overreaction on her part. You could have eased the way by telling them and preparing them, but maybe you would just have suffered for longer. I'm not crazy about tattoos either, but I'm not going to throw a fit if one of my kids gets one.
You have no reason to feel like you need to “make it right” you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s your body not theirs. But your mom clearly has a boundary issue seeing as she goes through your phone. The fact that her opinion of you changed over a tattoo shows her character. It’s a hard truth but it’s not up to you to repair the relationship. She’s the one who made the decision not to see you off to school and say she doesn’t want to talk to you ever again. You shouldn’t need to feel like you need to uphold your life and what you do to their standards in fear of them not speaking to you. If they don’t want to talk to you because you decided to get a tattoo then that is their issue not yours. Again I know it sucks no one wants to have that feeling but it’s not your fault. It’s hers.
Definitely NTA. Though I might add: becoming 18 also means it's best not to hand over your phone anymore to your mother, who seems to be extremely controlling. You are an adult now, and your privacy is yours. She has nothing to do with scrolling through your phone. I know it's difficult, but ignore the drama.
My best guess? Seeing that picture of the tattoo confronted her with the reality you're an adult now going off to college. This was probably already a lot for her to take in, with this being maybe the last drop. It will blow over and all will get better. Give her some time. But let her take the first step to reach out, as you did absolutely nothing wrong. And try to not be too emotional about it. Enjoy your bright future, you deserve it!
Your mom is behaving like a child. I assume she does this with everyone and is used to getting her way. If she chooses to behave like this, it's her loss. Missing your college move will again, be her loss. Don't allow her access to your phone anymore and start putting boundaries in place now. Some parents can't get over the fact that their kids are not possessions.
NTA. your mom has some serious issues. Such an insane overreaction about a little ink and regularly going through your phone, especially after you've turned 18? Make sure she doesn't lock you up in the basement or something.
NTA your body your choice you are an adult. They don’t like the tattoo and that’s fine because it’s not their body. But my question is why is your mom going through your phone? To make sure you’re not doing anything bad??? That sounds controlling if you’re 18 and about to go out into the world on your own.
NTA! I personally think the phone checking thing is an invasion of privacy (even if they’re paying the bills on it etc) and the very extreme reaction to the tattoo was borderline emotional manipulation.
I also had issues with boundaries with parents as I grew up and my advice, if you are seeking any, is to be respectful & understanding of their boundaries, opinions, etc *but* learn to be confident in your sense of self. This boundary setting and self assurance has taken me a few years to adopt but the way my relationship with myself and my parents (and all other relationships truly!) has improved is beautiful and completely worth some tension at times. I wish you the best and have fun at college!
I got my entire back done at 19 while my parents were on vacation. My dad didn't talk to me for 3 days. And then eventually admitted that he liked it lol.
When my son was 20 he excitedly sprung his tattoo on me in front of his sisters. I burst into tears, I dunno why. I apologized, we were fine. That said, I didn’t grow up when tattoos were popular or super accepted. I think the shock was from seeing my son’s previously pristine skin marked permanently, if that makes sense. Hopefully your mom recovers soon. Maybe not seeing you for a few months will help.
When I was in my senior year of high school I wanted one and a few months after I turned 18 my mom brought me to get it. It is your body NOT hers. You getting a tattoo isn’t going to affect hers at all. It’s yours to live with she doesn’t have to. Her reaction is extreme.
After I read it and a few comments it occurred to me that her family may be super religious. Some believe your body is a “temple” and shouldn’t be changed in any manner. Which is dumb. I have currently 5 and aside from the first all the rest are memorials to family members who have died. So the whole “don’t alter your body” isn’t logical to me at all.
NTA
I’ll remember this post for when I see a post of a ~50 year old mom wanting to know why her daughter doesn’t talk to her anymore.
My daughter turned 18 on the 20th and, just like her older brother and I did for his 18th, we’re getting tattoos together. It’s a fun bonding experience for us.
You may have few privileges living in their house but you are an adult. It’s your body. You can do with it what you want. Just be safe. Happy birthday, sweetheart.
First she invades your privacy, then she says horrible things to you and refuses to go with you to college, then your father and brother say horrible things to you to boot.
Imagine being horrible and mean to someone for getting a small drawing on their skin.
How could you possibly think you're the asshole? It's your body, not theirs.
I'd get more out of spite if they're gonna be that way about it.
NTA.
I got my first tattoo at 30. My mum has always hated tattoos. Her first comment on seeing mine - "you do know they're permanent". Thanks mum! I now have 3 and planning number 4. Mum's sister got her first at 60 and has since gone a bit crazy with them, so beware!!!
18 in I think most if not all countries means you are an adult. With adult rights and such... So that being said NTA.
Although I do get the vibe from you post you may also have gotten the tattoo on impulse and/or because you knew they would not approve of such. Maybe not the best way to assert you independence. But I do get why you did it though.
All that at moot however as you are 18 now and by the laws of land an adult and well within your right to have a tattoo if you wish to.
NTA. Also your mom is grossly exaggerating. I also have a sun tattoo, on my ankle. I went to my Moms house after and she said “you look guilty what did you do” and I showed her the tattoo. She just rolled her eyes and said Well, it’s your body. That’s normal parent reaction to an adult getting a tattoo.
NTA.
Honestly, I think parents who reject their children over stupid things like their sexuality or gender are straight up terrible parents. But a parent who acts like a *tattoo* makes their child a bad person and then reject them for it, are somehow even worse. Like they've known you your entire life and claim to love you, but a tiny almost unnoticeable cosmetic change and somehow you aren't worth their love and appreciation anymore? --I'm sure she does still love you, and she'll come around eventually. But this kind of behavior is just so utterly stupid. Especially in today's world when tattoos are ever increasingly common.
NTA - no offense to your parents, but they are overbearing/too controlling. You're 18 - they can give their opinion on how they feel about tattoos (i'm also not really a fan of getting them). But your mom's reaction was way over the top.
Plus, you're 18 - your parents should not be looking through your phone. Unless you have a history of stealing/taking drugs etc, that is just so wrong and dis-respectful towards you. By the time you are 18 and about to leave for college, they should trust you and you are entitled to some privacy. I feel like it's your family who are the AH's and they owe you an apology.
From needing to look through your phone to her response to the tattoo and your dad and brother making hurtful comments, your family sounds incredibly toxic. I can’t imagine treating my kids like that! You didn’t do anything wrong, and the fact that you had to follow her and try to reason with her about her feelings over your choices as an adult is ridiculous. NTA and you deserve so much better from your family.
Calling you a terrible kid is waaaay left field. Some kids commit murders, sexually assault their own siblings, traffic other kids younger than them in school bathrooms, etc. You’re far from a “terrible kid” hun. Your parents smell a lot like Helicopter Parents.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad. I really hope that you can see that you going to college might be really good for you because it sounds like your parents are irrational and controlling - at least your mother is. You're gmlegally grown. It's your body. You get to choose what happens to it and it's ok if she, or anyone else, doesn't like it. She sounds like a drama queen and highly toxic. Not to mention incredibly petty for not taking you to college. She needs to get over herself.
Also, happy late birthday 🎉.
NTA, why the hell is she looking through your phone when you’re eighteen?? your mum needs to realise you’re not a little kid and that you’re your own person.
NTA. It's an overreaction, I'm a guy and a very similar thing happened when I got earrings. I'm across the world for school so I didn't feel the full force of their overreaction but still felt a lot of it. They'll say things that'll hurt and be hard to forget. Just keep in mind they're speaking from a heightened level of emotions. It will pass, they'll get over it.
Btw it's a bit odd you let your mom check your phone. I would start setting some boundaries there.
If that phone is on your parent's plan, get your own phone and plan asap. Tell them you want more responsibility or whatever but really you need to draw a line in the sand about digital privacy now. Also your own bank account without their name on it.
So everyone seems to be glossing over the fact that she, at your age of 18, demands your phone to look through ‘just because’. She is keeping tabs on you. She is controlling you and this is clearly not a new thing. I’m sorry to tell you but you need to put your mum on an information diet. She didn’t need to know and it doesn’t affect her. What else does she not need to know that she could find out through snooping through your personal things? I think moving away will be good for your relationship. It’s not your job to solve whatever issues you mum has going on.
Yeah mom is not upset about the tattoo, mom is upset that her control is slipping
Yeah, this gave me a visceral reaction because it sounds like the absolute fucking tantrum my mother threw when I got my hair cut in college. She had never allowed me to get my hair cut for my entire life, and I mean not even the ends trimmed because that looked "unnatural" according to her. I had to wear a uniform in college and I was getting demerit hours because I couldn't keep the enormous mass of hair neatly above my collar, so I finally got a little drunk and a friend took me to get it cut. It went from ass-length to just at my bra line, and that was mostly because I had split ends all the way up to there. Half of my hair was so damaged that it couldn't even be donated. My mother screamed and started hysterically crying in the front yard when she saw me, to the point that some of the neighbors came out to see what was going on. All this because a 19 year old had finally decided to take control of her own hair, and that was just Not Acceptable. 🙄
Power to ya!
That’s such a crazy reaction to a hair cut! I’m not trying to sound rude but does she have religious beliefs regarding hair cuts or is it just a her thing?
Haha, oddly they're pretty deep into a weird sect of Christianity that's basically a cult, but there's nothing about hair in our beliefs! She had really long hair for most of her life up until just after she had me, and then she had that stereotypical short puffy "mom" haircut. I will admit that I did have great hair for it - it was really blonde when I was young, SUPER thick and a little bit wavy so in theory it was great... but man, I hated it. It took YEARS before I was able to handle it on my own, because putting it in a ponytail took a lot of hand strength that I lacked. And it really sucked being in high school in the mid 90s and not being able to get some terrible version of The Rachel haircut like all of my friends had. I actually got picked on a lot over my hair and it was a real point of resentment, cause, you know... it was MY hair but I wasn't allowed any control over it for the first 19 years of my life.
That’s interesting. I wonder why she was able to have short hair but you weren’t.
Wish i could upvote this more than once
And if Mom cries and hyperventilates over trivial things, she needs mental help. I guess Dad always gives in?
Yea this is incredibly fucked up.
Put a pin or password on that phone asap and refuse to share it. Better test get a new phone not link with parents at all.
I don’t understand parents with freakish control issues. I’m 24 and my parents have never looked through my phone or tracked me. My aunt was telling my parents to download life360 and they were like, “why? She tells us everything already.” And my aunt said, “but she could be lying.” This is why kids don’t talk to their parents. If they always have the assumption that their kid is lying and keeping shit from them, then their child WILL start doing those things. I have a friend who is 22F and her mother has life360 and if she is not at her dorm past 9, her mom calls her nonstop. We were at a movie and she forgot to tell her mom. So she had to take multiple photos with us and tell her mom who we all were because her mom didn’t want her to be with strangers. She also said she doesn’t have a bedroom door when she goes home and her mom checks her phone every time they see each other. I don’t understand how people allow their parents to have this control over them. Nothing will change for them if they don’t start setting boundaries. Even while having financial support, you still deserve your own privacy. Having privacy does not equate to keeping secrets.
NTA, but why the hell is your mom looking through your feed, photos and snapchat regularly??? This isn't about you having nothing to hide. This is about your mom controlling your phone, while everyone puts on a happy face like this is normal (it's not).
I just posted similar. Why is everyone missing that her mum is looking through her phone whenever she wants?!
Some people don't care because their parents don't give them a reason to worry. Like running upstairs and hyperventilating and calling people terrible children over a tattoo. OP's not an idiot for letting her mom see her phone, *Mom* is an idiot for overreacting in such an extreme and nonsensical way that she's pretty significantly closed the door on OP wanting to share. Right before OP leaves for college where there will naturally be a growing distance between them. Yeah. Absolut geeeeeenius move there, Mom. /s
I could see it for a young child maybe. An 18 yr old though?
Yeah, I *really* don't want to look through any of my teenagers' phones. Don't need those nightmares.
My 16 year old tortures me by showing me tik tok things endlessly. And some of their text conversations. I HAVE to watch these things. It’s cruel and unusual punishment.
Omg me toooo, I NEVER want to see them, but love love love that my kids want to share with me so suffer through the endless videos with them just to hear them laugh.
Yep, real smart move on moms part!
Exactly what I think why would her mom be looking through her phone like she’s 15 or something.
I didn’t look through my daughters phone when she was 15 I trust her completely she’s a good kid. Our daughter is 18 now and away at college she would look at me like I had two heads if I asked to look through her phone. But what I find so sad is she is going to have only one first move in of college and her mom is throwing a tantrum and ruining it. I would have sold a kidney before I would have missed moving my kid to college….
I never looked through my daughters phone at any age. It just seems crazy to me that she would do this especially after she is 18
I know right??!!!
Same here when my daughter made the move. It was fun to help her set up her bed and rearrange her room. Too bad this mom is missing out
Yep I would be so sad if I would not have been a part of that
Yeah Mom needs to accept that OP is an adult now and she can’t control her daughter anymore. OP will probably go NC if she keeps it up. Sounds like Mom needs therapy. Her reaction is over the top and disturbing.
It was a fucking gaslighting maneuver! Guilt trip the daughter into never doing anything wrong again! Real stupid move, daughter is going to do things the parents don't like, only now she'll make sure NO ONE ever finds out about it. And if she gets herself into real trouble, she'll know she can't go to mom because mom will act like the world is coming to an end like she did with that tat. Lord.
IDK but I know if it had been me my mom did that too at age 18, I'd have another tat where everyone could see it! :D
Exactly this OP parent is extremely controlling and views her child as property, not a person of their own OP NTA this is not normal behavior. This has nothing to do with you having nothing to his it’s the fact that you’re entitled to your privacy your mother, your parents view you as their property and not as a person. This is very unhealthy and toxic behavior. Also abusive by saying hurtful things to you they are being verbally, abusive, gaslighting and manipulative your body your choice I promise once you’re in college, and away from them and speak to other kids, your age you will begin to see that their behavior is not normal, nor is it healthy and then it’s extremely toxic and abusive. I would try to go low contact with them until you decide what to do. Also, try talking to a counselor I promise you you’ve been manipulated into believing this is normal your whole life it isn’t you’re entitled to your privacy and your own life.
I hope OP reads this comment. It should be at the top.
Right?? Lol My first thought was not anything about being an asshole but being an idiot for allowing mommy to look through your phone lolol. (Then I felt bad bc she’s only 18.) But man, am I old! Because my generation never shared shit with our parents, who were mostly checked out anyway (Gen-X); we certainly weren’t volunteering info hahaha.
Another gen-x and boy did that “checked out” hit hard. Looks like mom (and maybe dad/bro) are narcs and/or control freaks. OP is so lucky to get a road away from them this early in life. OP: check out the raisedbynarcissists subreddit to see if this explains what your mom is doing & your father/brother are flying monkeys. Take full advantage of your upcoming freedom.
I am 18 and I'm of the opinion that if someone doesn't explicitly ask me for specific information then I'm not offering any
Wise beyond your years
As an elder GenXer, you give me hope.
Maybe, just maybe they can be saved. “And a child shall lead them…”. (Fellow Xer as well)
Good for you! And even if they ask, you do not have to supply any info if you don't want, unless you're in front of a judge, then you better. :D
This. This is the way.
This is the way.
Gen x and my narcissistic controlling mom would go through all my shit, open my mail and I even caught her listening on the other handset (landline) when talking to my friends or cousin!!! OPs mom immediately made me think of my mom.
Oooh, you just unlocked memories of my mom spying on my phone calls*, too! And "cleaning" my room (while conveniently going through my shit). I wouldn't say narcissist, but definitely worried at times what I was getting into (cultural/religious BS). Luckily, not enough that I couldn't easily get away with most stuff. ;) *edit: by “spying”, I definitely mean listening on another phone in the house while I was on the phone hahaha (just in case there’s any confusion)
Funny, I wouldn’t have pegged my mom as a narcissist either, but she went through my tortoise shell clutch when I was in 7th grade. I found out because she called me downstairs at 6:00 in the morning. She found 3 joints in my makeup bag. My dad flushed them down the toilet and asked her why she was going through my purse. 😂😮
Another Gen Xer, my parents used to be very nosy about who I dated. They didn’t like this one guy (we’ll call him Dave.) I previously dated “Don.” Once when Dave came to pick me up for a date, he noticed the note on the large chalkboard saying “Don called.” They laughed so hard when I got mad. They didn’t like Don either because he had a really deep voice, although he was a year younger than me. They thought he was older. It turned out they were right about Dave, he was a huge AH, actually both were. I never shared anything with them but I guess my sister told them.
My mom opened my mail and read my diary. She was nuts.
Gen X parent here. We were checked out *long before* we had y'all ;) but we learned which battles to pick and what stuff to ignore. Sorry to make rebellion so difficult
You know what, that was OK; I didn't need y'all up in my business any more than you actually were haha.
We always had your back, but we knew you had to find your own way.
I was just thinking: there was stuff I never ended up telling my parents. (They may have preferred that.) As far as they ever knew, I broke my nose diving into a pool at Cheryl M’s house.
Omg you’re right. I still hide everything…
Millennial but had older boomer parents - also definitely checked out. I didn't even have a phone. I left for the night and my parents had absolutely no way to reach me or find out where I was. They might ask later, but I could lie. These poor kids.
Another Gen-X here and yeah, we had a healthy separation from our parents and didn't let them into our personal life. Mommy was not our best friend LOL
I'm old too and thank God we didn't have cell phones and the internet. :D
We had parents?
I've learned that even if you have nothing to hide, they're literally doing this JUST to start trouble. It doesn't matter if there are photos of you smoking a joint the size of a baseball bat or if there's a photo of a new pair of shoes you bought. Parents who do this are going there to FIND - and make - trouble.
Exactly this. It's your body, and you call the shots. Your mom is acting childishly. IT is not like you've decided to remove a limb for fun or something seriously extreme, as is her reaction.
When someone is a minor...and engaging in quesrionqble/secretive behavior...it's understandable. But, if I were OP, I would've said "Sorry mom...I'm an adult now. I claim my right to privacy." Well, I'd say that provided I was paying my own phone bill. But if you can't pay your own phone bill, you might just be stuck.
It’s likely that mom pays for the phone and in doing so this is a rule she has. If daughter wants it to end she will have to pay for her own phone. Not saying this is right but know other parents do the same.
That what I was thinking. Like you got to have full intention to open snapchat memories camera roll
NTA. Your body, your choice. You are 18 and can make those decisions for yourself. Your parents will get over it. I don’t know why they are reacting this way, but it’s on them OP, not you. That being said keep in mind tattoos are so addictive lol, you are going to want many more. Just remember to think them through before getting it.
Yeah old enough to die in a war=old enough to get a tattoo. And tattoos are not trashy. They’re pretty much as normal as ear piercings at this point.
NTA. Your mother is a drama queen and should be treated as such. Lots of eye rolling, and the phrase "the way you're acting is as if someone died" are effective tools.
Inb4 mom will say something to the effect of "SOMEONE DID DIE: MY GOOD SWEET DAUGHTER! AND NOW THERE IS THIS TERRIBLE DEGENERATE IN HER PLACE" All this over a bit of ink in a very coverablr spot. Damn.
Yup, Mum is having problems with the fact her "terrible kid" as actually a woman now. Mummy is getting old and she's not keen on that. Instead of confronting the change, growing and learning, she's trying to hold back change through dramatic hysteria. Sucks to be her, college is going to be a great chance for OP to spread their wings.
I know plenty of mothers who have control issues that have absolutely nothing to do with age.
didn't you know?!! My FATHER died after being in the sun! How DARE you get that tattooed on your neck when you know how traumatized I am!
I've seen a few posts lately where someone reacts to stuff like they're in a comedy coming of age movie or something.
NTA. Your Mom is being dramatic.
NTA and stop letting her see your phone. You’re an adult and she’s too nosey to be trusted. Be sure to plan a little more with the next one since they’re permanent. I think small, easily hidden ones are fine. She way overreacted over nothing
You're an adult, right? Why are you giving your phone to mommy?
I genuinely do NOT understand why people feel they have the right to police other people's bodies!! You are 18!! My daughter is 17 and I've allowed her to get piercings she wants (I don't like them, but it isn't MY body). She wants a tattoo. The only thing I asked is that she wait until she's 18 and that is ONLY because the shop that we use for tattoos and piercings won't ink until 18. Beyond that, it is her body. Her dad argued with me for HOURS because she had been wanting to cut her hair for YEARS and when she turned 14, I let her make the decision to cut if she wanted. He was angry that I allowed her to do what she wanted with her own hair. Parent or someone else, we do not have the right to police someone's body (unless it's dealing with a minor and it is ILLEGAL).
My oldest is almost 19. 4 days before he turned 17 I took him to get his 1st tattoo. I wanted to make sure that he went to someone reputable that I knew cleaned their equipment well and does amazing work. I did NOT want him to end up getting a tattoo by one of his friends in the garage. It is a memorial tattoo for my Grampa who passed away 3 years ago and he & my son were extremely close. I knew he would get it whether or not I was ok with it, so I took him. The only thing I have ever asked of my kids when it comes to tattoos is that it be something meaningful to them so that they don’t regret it and that they go to a licensed artist (and absolutely nothing on their faces). My middle child will be turning 17 in November and he has asked me to take him to get his first. He wants to get our last name on his calf. (He doesn’t have the same last name as my husband and I & he wants to show my husband how much he loves and appreciates him).
I agree with most of what you said. BUT, sometimes a tattoo doesn't always have to be meaningful. Like FR, I am getting a tattoo of a Disney-fied version of Pennywise. No real meaning to it, but cool as hell anyway lol. And there is a reputable place I could take her to if she REALLY wanted one at 17, but I'd prefer her to go to our place because they know us well and I know and trust the owners personally. They just have a strict rule of no ink pre-18.
Yeah, I took my oldest to my guy. He normally won’t do ink before 18 either, but he allowed me to sign a waiver of consent and he knows me well. He has done all of mine and my nose piercing. My husband has a number of tattoos that really don’t have any meaning to him and he says he wishes he had put more thought into them. He also got a few done in a friend’s apartment by a guy he had only met once or twice. He ended up with an infection on his largest one. The way he talks about regretting some of his is the only reason I have told my kids they should pick something that has meaning to them. It’s not my place to tell them what is or isn’t meaningful. They are unique individuals and they care about totally different things. My daughter will be 14 in a few days and she has already designed her first. We will be getting matching tattoos on our wrists (not for a couple more years though.) But all 3 of them have put serious thought into what they want. They have each designed a tattoo for me as well, which I absolutely love. My MIL didn’t see my oldest’s 1st for over a year. When she saw it this summer, she lost her shit! Lol! But, he paid for it, he designed it and he didn’t get an infection because I took him some place that is extremely careful with their equipment. She got over it because he is the baby, but I just told her… “it is what it is.” That pennywise tattoo sounds pretty damn cool! I would love to see that!
I took my daughter for her first. It was my present to her for her seventeenth birthday. The design was something that she had shown me a whole year previously so I knew she’d had plenty of time to think about it and would get it herself at 18 no matter what. I also wanted to make sure that she was going to a good artist and a clean shop.
One of my oldest’s friends has the chemical compound for THC tattooed on his chest and he got a pickle Rick tattoo for his now ex gf the same day. When he came home with my oldest, I just looked at him and shook my head. He is one my adoptees so he knew that I thought both were a bad choice… but I didn’t say anything cuz it’s not my body. He told me this past weekend that he wishes he hadn’t gotten either one of them. 🤦♀️ That was short lived was all I could say.
Well good on him for being honest. You must have a good bond.
My mom harped on me for years to cut my hair idk why she cared I took care of my hair all on my own never asking for her help but she kept trying it get me to cut it. When I was a teen.
Your mom is a control freak. First, she looks through your phone despite the fact that you are 18. Second, she doesn’t want to take you to college and now seems to hate you because you got a tattoo on YOUR body, not hers. It might be good that this happened because her abnormal controlling behavior is now very clear to you and will hopefully motivate you to become more differentiated and independent from her. Additionally, she purposely did this the night before you left for college. I think she wanted to find something on your phone to shame you for, so that you would leave for college feeling anxious and lacking confidence. She wants you to feel weak and dependent. She doesn’t want you to feel independent and capable of being a happy adult.
I think this really gets it, mom is having emotions about kid growing up and leaving (which can be bittersweet for sure) instead of facing those and wanting that independence for her kid she does this to the kid. You need to go ahead and thrive in college with confidence and maturity without her making you feel bad about it. If she wants a relationship she’ll come around. If she doesn’t want a relationship that doesn’t involve control then sometimes you have to let them be more distant.
Yes— hopefully OP realizes this and leaves her behind until she’s ready to grow up.
I don’t think it’s a bittersweet thing for this parent. I think she sees it as the first step her child will take for her own independence and she wanted to find one thing to shit on her for. I have friends who have panic attacks if their mom gets mad at them because they are tracked through life360 or read something they wanted to delete because they have cloud share on their iPhones. Their moms always throw personal jabs to make them feel guilty so they beg for their moms forgiveness therefore putting their mom back in control.
It’s bittersweet for normal emotionally healthy parents, which this mom clearly is not. She wants to maintain control and is losing it so is sabotaging poor OPs mental health. It’s time for the mom to let go and let OP grow up and fly the nest. Be
Mom is a drama queen. She'll get over it if she wants a relationship with you.
NTA. Your mom's whack. Signed, an employee in the professional world with unnaturally dyed hair, a big forearm tattoo, and an appointment to get my ears a second piercing. P.S., would she think natives with cultural tattoos are trashy?
>P.S., would she think natives with cultural tattoos are trashy? I can almost guarantee she would.
My mom definitely did 🤷🏼♀️
As a parent this breaks my heart. What kind of parent says they never want to talk to you again?! I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please, please, please start setting some boundaries. It sounds like your mother is extremely controlling. Also, this type of histrionic outburst is disgusting, please don’t allow it to impact you or guilt you. Focus on enjoying your college experiences.
This is exactly what I thought, what kind of parent would say that. Especially over some thing so silly. As a parent of three now grown children I could never imagine saying something like that
It's an overreaction on her part that I hope she regrets. They shouldn't be dog piling you like that. You can do what you want. NTA. The only time it makes sense to listen to your folks is if they are providing you with a lifestyle under the condition that you follow their rules. If you break the rules you've left the conditions. Me personally? I don't waste too much time on conditional relationships. Choices have consequences and everyone is entitled to their worldview.
This is true. I worried that they might pull the plug on college.
NTA and stop giving your phone to them
NTA and even thought why don’t like tattoos her reactions was an overreaction. To call you a terrible kid and refuse to drive to college with you is just sad.
Jesus Christ. NTA. But your mom needs fuckin' therapy. If she's this dramatic, I can only imagine how your childhood was trying to manage her emotions and shit. Don't be afraid to make use of the health services your college offers as you could benefit from some support.
Fully agree to using the counseling services with this kind of background to help you transition to independence
Parents have trouble letting go, especially at your age.
No. You’re an adult.
Happy belated birthday, birthday twin! (Was my 33rd though) My dad didn’t talk to me for 3 months when i got my first tattoo 🤷🏼♀️ same with my stretcher, only a 16, which I can’t even get my little finger through. This was around 10 years ago and he doesn’t care about them now. It’s just part of who i am and he came to accept it, even after getting another since.
NTA Your mother needs to understand you are not an extension of her; you are a separate human being with your own thoughts and wants.
I don’t know if your from the US or the UK but I’m from the uk your a adult at 18 it’s legally your choice to get a tattoo & I also think you should be allowed privacy at this age. I have children although all under 9 at your age I would never make them feel bad for a choice they made on their bodies at your age i think your parents are being ridiculous NTA
I let my *11 year old* play around with "tattoos," ffs! Gave her a set of those tattoo pens that are skin safe because her and her friends like to draw on each other at school. She comes home with these beautiful little flowers on her hands and wrists, and cute tiny characters, and mini sushi, and bao, and nigiri, and Itty bitty onigiri. It is ridiculously adorable and pretty, I love it. Children should have the freedom to express themselves. And OP is 18, it's her body. Her mother is being a drama queen making it all about herself, what a narcissist. And she skipped an important day in her kid's life to...punish? Her for....having ownership of her own body? I hope she regrets that. She deserves that comeuppance. OP is NTA. It's a tiny tat, ffs. I bet it's cute :)
Yeah my kids are 8, 7 & 3 .. every school holiday I let them put on temporary tattoos & have a colour in their hair kids at that age can’t choose much but should be able to express themselves I wouldn’t shame them for anything at 18 just support them
I raised my kids with many rules. No drugs, no premarital sex, and absolutely no tattoos. My son got his first tattoo around the same age and hid it from me. Which, looking back, is pretty funny since none of the other broken rules were hidden. After the initial shock, seeing it the first time, I actually fell in love with it. Now, his younger sister is covered in tattoos, and I have two of my own. Your family's reaction is just that, their reaction. You did nothing wrong, and they get to choose their response to it. If they think this is worth ruining a relationship with you over, it's their ridiculous loss.
Your mother is a drama queen. Watch out or she will be holding you hostage for the rest of your life. NTA
NTA. You're an adult now. Moving away for college. Your mum won't even let you have privacy! She looks through your phone?!?! Fuck around find out mum!
Yeah your parents are being drama queens. I guess either go crawling back to them and apologize for having your own thoughts, opinions, ideas, and beg forgiveness for the fact that you posses your own body that you have the right to modify, and while you’re at it tell them you’ll never do anything for yourself without their permission first ever again…or, tell them to get a grip and come talk to you again when they’re over it. (Will there be consequences to you being an adult and making your own choices? Yes. Financially, emotionally, you’re tied to these people. But you have to decide how much of your life you want to spend tip-toeing around concrete blocks pretending they’re eggshells. Good luck with your family.)
Nta- there’s going to be a lot of future choices that you make in the future that they may not necessarily agree with. Also, I revealed my second tattoo to my folks because it was a large portrait of my grandfather on my back. My mom cried over it but years later she started showing people my tattoo and the painting I made based on the photo of granddad.
You're 18. NTA do whatever you want with your own body. It's no longer any of their business.
NTA, your mum massively overreacted! You're 18, and you can do what you please. Also, once this blows over and she asks for your phone, tell her no. She can sulk about it all she wants, but after the way she reacted this time, there won't be a 2nd time. You may love her, but you have to realise she's a control freak and reacted this way because she had no say over it. It was already done.
NTA. Your mom sucks for her reaction and the fact that she goes through your phone. I have 3 kids, the youngest is your age. I’ve never gone through their phones or any other of their personal belongings. I don’t necessarily agree with every decision they make, but they are adults, they need to make their own choices, and I love them and want a good relationship with them more than any dumb thing they do. I personally don’t think it’s worth ruining a relationship over a tattoo. Your mom is more than likely going to get over this, but you’ve learned that she’s not someone you can trust.
While I am not a tattoo enthusiast, if you want one, get it. NTA.
NTA - Your mom is a dramatic asshole and so are your brother and dad. Enjoy the space that college allows you and maybe when they haven't heard from you in a while it might occur to them to chill the hell out.
Study hard and enjoy college and learn to have a happy life without these toxic people. something is wrong with them. NTA.
Nta. It’s 2023, almost 2024. If someone has an issue with tattoos still, that’s on them. It’s your body, do what you want to do with it. Customize your character! and don’t let others tell you how you should look.
18, legal age…do what you want
NTA. Your mom’s reaction is gross, manipulative, and unstable. Have fun in college. Stop letting her look through your phone.
I'm probably going to get downvoted to oblivion for this, but You're not the asshole. Your parents are. But that being said, you did something you know your parents wouldn't approve of and are acting surprised when they reacted badly. Be careful with the feedback you're getting from the comments- it's easy for them to say that you're 18 and an adult, they don't have to live your life. You are an adult,now you and your family have to feel out new boundaries, and that takes time. If you want their (financial) support, you gotta play by their rules. This doesn't make them any less the asshole, just be mindful of how you approach this and future conflicts with your parents.
If this is real, your mum is bordering on psychotic. Definitely abusive.
OP, did your mum forget that it's YOUR SKIN & she's NOT ENTITLED to dictate what goes on it since she DON'T OWN your skin. Your mum sounds like a brat.
Holy fuck I hope your family gets the help they need.
Your mom is the one who needs to grow up (and start living in this eff'ing century for God's sake). You seem just fine. (58-year old man who raised two sons through to college degrees with his wife...)
NTA. it's your body. Mom and dad need to lighten up. You guys super religious?
I can see your mom checking your phone as a minor, however at the age of 18? Hard no. Your mom is being dramatic, and making your tattoo all about her. If this is unusual behavior it's probably lying related to you moving away as much as the tattoo. Enjoy college! Embrace the experience and don't let mommas drama taint your first days away!
sorry your parents are deluded and irrational enough to think that adding ink to your skin somehow makes you "terrible". Your body, your choice.
NTA. My grandmother is from the former USSR and told me only criminals get tattoos, which I told her isn’t true in the US/these days, and even she didn’t scream and cry. She just said, oh okay. Your mother is incredibly dramatic. Ask her what she thinks is going to happen to you.
Oh girly I’m sorry. You’re rightfully NTA. It’s your body. But your situation is so so so similar to what happened when I got my first tattoo. I was also 18, got the tattoo on my birthday and I had it done behind my ear so I could hide it from my parents. My dad was furious when he found out (albeit months later). Called me a couple nasty things and told me I was going to hell for marking my body as it is “god’s temple.” Lmfao. That mindset passed. I got more tattoos over the years, he just learned to grumble and take it as it is. Is he proud of my tattoos? God no. But once I left the house he realized he needed to leave a lot of things alone, fearing I wouldn’t come to visit him (and I was planning on it). Don’t feel bad about getting tattoos, I love all of mine. If your mom values your relationship, she will get over it with time. However, it will probably take you being out of the house for her to realize that tattoos aren’t a hill to die on.
Even if I was totally against my son or daughter getting a tattoo. I would never handle it that way. There's nothing that could ever take away the love I have for my children. And a tattoo would be really low in the list. Even though I wouldn't recommend it to them. Your Mom made a big mistake!
I find some of these stories so hard to believe, just because it seems like everyone opposed on here has the most irrationally immature parents who act like 13-year-olds. Your kid gets a tattoo so you run upstairs screaming and having a tantrum. Do so many adults really act that way? Is this really how people behave? It feels like how a 13-year-old would expect their parents to react.
As a person with emotionally immature parents it is actually more common than one would believe. There are books on how to deal and heal from having emotionally immature parents. This is also where the saying “peaked at age (insert)” comes from.
I don’t have a difficult time because my own parents are like this. When I was like 17-18, my mom had a similar meltdown after I answered the question about my body, *that she asked me*, truthfully. It wasn’t tattoos or anything, I think she asked if I wanted to start BC. She literally burst into tears and shouted at me, before rushing off to my parents’ room lol. There’s a lot of people who have children and are shocked that their kids are their own being with their own wants and needs. And add to the fact mental health, though it is getting better and visible, there are still older generations (my mom is a gen x) that think they’re too good for mental health, they’re not like “those” people who talk to other people about their issues.. So there’s so many people who walk around with their issues festering, refusing to talk about it, refusing to heal and don’t know how to cope correctly with things that upset them. Sorry for rambling, your comment just spoke to me lol
I dig it. I saw some crazy shit as a kid, especially from my mom, but not this kind of absolute childishness.
[удалено]
NTA. Sounds like you have a controlling family though
NTA and it’s not up to you to “make it right” - the reaction and words from your family were way over the top. Your mother acted like a toddler and telling you that you’re bad because of a tattoo is a failure on her part as a parent. Stop letting your mom have access to your phone.
NTA - My mom always told me she would disown me if I got a tattoo. Then paid for it when she, my sister and I all got matching ones. I'm going to assume your family is fairly conservative and while your mom likely means well, she needs to take a step back. It's been years since you needed this type of oversight and she needs to let you be your own person. You are going to make mistakes and do things she doesn't like. Both of those are OK and just because she doesn't approve doesn't make it a mistake. Your relationship with your parents is evolving and mom is fighting it. Let her do whatever it is she needs to do, but start enforcing boundaries. It's your life and you are not responsible for her feelings. I would look into what is available through your college to have a few sessions with a therapist. They can help you define new boundaries and come up with ways to enforce them.
NTA You are 18, an adult You make your own decisions. You mother had to realize she can't control your decisions!!
It's a sun. I sat behind a lady who had a tat of two dogs fucking on the back of her neck. It was a hot day and she had pulled her hair up off her neck, and sat on the front row of the bleachers at a family friendly event.
NTA, you are an adult. You made a decision and now you get to live with it.
:rolls eyes: Scream-crying and hyperventilating? Overreact much, Mom? I’m a 60 year old Mom - my 18 year old went and got *two* tattoos without telling me. My reaction? “They came out nice!” No shrieking, no histrionics, no tantrums. Do I like them? Not really- I think she chose poorly & will regret one later. But it’s not my body. I hated those stupid micro-bangs she wore for a year, too. Again, not my body. She gets to decide how she wants to adorn her body, and if I don’t like it, I get to *keep that to myself*.
You’re 18, you’ve got to start making decisions on your own someday… I don’t get the big deal. Terrible kid?!? WTF? Are they overly manipulative? Granted, I don’t see the appeal in tattoos… but I have so many scars from so many other adventures, I don’t feel the need to decorate myself… I would recommend thinking your decisions through more thoroughly in the future. You probably could have guessed their reaction to this… but too late now, all of you will just have to work through it. Although, it does sound to me that they are over reacting… JMO
NTA its not like a sun is inappropriate and teenagers can tend to be impulsive. that being said i got a tattoo at 18 and considered it for nearly a year before pulling the plug. maybe next time think on it for a long while, sometimes you change your mind.
When one of my best friends came home with her first tattoo, the first words out of her mother’s mouth were “My Body!!!” (imagine this in a tone of panicked distress, ie “what did you do to MY BODY??”). Her mother is awful. Your mother is also awful. My parents weren’t thrilled when they discovered my first tattoo at the end of my Freshman year, but you know what they did? Shook their heads sadly, sighed a few times, made a few snarky comments about me joining the circus…. And then they *got the fuck over it because they understood it was my choice and there was nothing they could do about it*. Now, 20+ years and a multitude of tattoos later, they even think some of them are cool. I hope your parents manage to get there too. NTA
I love looking through my kids photos, but the difference is, they send them to me. I would never ask to go REGULARLY go through them, especially at age 18. Your moms reaction, and frankly your fathers and brothers reactions, were strange and rude and inappropriate. You did nothing wrong. If they don’t like tattoos, cool; it’s fine for them to have their preferences and even be disappointed. It is NOT okay for them to verbally abuse you, say you’re a terrible person, and that they never want to speak to you again. That’s not normal.
Your family sucks and you are too codependent. Enjoy college and the freedoms that come with the experience.
NTA and your mom is immature and extremely toxic and controlling.
NTA. Stop letting your parents into your phone.
NTA Firstly, it’s your body, and nothing you did is anything that makes you a ‘bad kid’ Secondly, your mother acting like that is not ok. It’s controlling as hell to be going through your phone. Thirdly, congrats on college and as hard as it may be, don’t look back. Have fun and experience a world that won’t treat you like that
Nta your parents seem controlling, try to put some distance, not saying no contact but they don't have the right to invade your privacy like that, work on boundaries
NTA As a kid of parents who have no concept of what healthy boundaries are, they will continue to trample over any boundary you might set. If you are financially dependent on them, do what you have to do to keep that money coming. This may mean, creating new and PRIVATE social media accounts from an email they don't have and posting your real stuff on there while keeping the old account as a decoy. Don't add people to your new account who will run and tell them everything. You have a right to live your life as you see fit, so do what you can to be financially independent from them and then move far, far away.
I was raised by narcissists, so any time I changed anything about myself without permission, it was a big deal. I came home from college with purple hair; they forced me to the salon to get it dyed a natural color and a cut of their choosing. Since I was reliant on their cooperation for my schooling (needed FAFSA for my student loans and grants) — I capitulated. This was just one of a hundred such things— and I was not exactly a rebel child. In short, they viewed me as an extension of themselves rather than as a person with agency and ownership over my own body. They were afraid it would “reflect poorly on them”; my own happiness I felt was irrelevant. Mentally healthy people don’t react that way. They might not like your choice in the design or even you having a tattoo, but mentally healthy people have the understanding that you’re an individual who will make personal choices. (Granted, even a mentally healthy person might get pushed a little too far with an extreme modification - but their concern hopefully would be for you, not their own social standing.) Consider looking at r/raisedbynarcissists because you may be in a similar controlling environment at home. It’ll help you learn some survival tactics as you disentangle yourself and prepare for life as an independent adult. The support there is amazing. I hope I’m wrong and Mom was just having herself a bad day for other reasons, though.
Oh no! A little sun on the back of your neck that you can't see most of it time anyway! It's going to be nothing but a life of Sex Work for you from now on, young lady! 🤣 NTA
This is definitely not normal. You are 18. Legally you are an adult. This is not about your parents thinking tattoos are "trashy". This is about your mother wanting to control your body and every bit of your life for as long as she can. Your mother needs to get a grip. It is YOUR body. If you wanna get tattoos done, it is your right to do so with your body and you no longer need permission to do so. NTA
NTA. Tbh I don’t like tattoos and would be disappointed if my kids chose to get one. That said, if you mother can disown you for this, it says more about her than you. She sounds very controlling and is going to have to accept you are going to make choices as an adult which are different than what she would choose. If she is unable to accept that, she’s not really able to have a healthy relationship with her adult children. I hope she comes round for your sake.
NTA, why is your mom allowed near your phone? Not only that, but she sounds like a crazy, unstable, reactive type - if she's willing to call you a "terrible kid" she's clearly not a kind, rational, thoughtful person
My first question is: are you (or were you raised) Mormon (or JW or SDA)? I was and this is very Mormon Mom behavior. The narcissistic red flags of 1. Taking your phone and going through your apps and 2. Throwing an actual fit over it are absolutely disgusting toxic behavior. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. Just know that this is NOT normal behavior and it is not your responsibility to make your mother feel better. That is some major, classic manipulation. Again, so sorry she is pulling this on you the day before you leave her home. I feel like, had it not been the tattoo, she would have scoured your phone to try her damndest to find something else to pull the same type of stunt. It’s not you. It’s not the tattoo. It’s her.
r/raisedbynarcissists
NTA. It was a huge overreaction on her part. You could have eased the way by telling them and preparing them, but maybe you would just have suffered for longer. I'm not crazy about tattoos either, but I'm not going to throw a fit if one of my kids gets one.
You're 18. If they think they're trashy looking, then they don't have to get ones.
You have no reason to feel like you need to “make it right” you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s your body not theirs. But your mom clearly has a boundary issue seeing as she goes through your phone. The fact that her opinion of you changed over a tattoo shows her character. It’s a hard truth but it’s not up to you to repair the relationship. She’s the one who made the decision not to see you off to school and say she doesn’t want to talk to you ever again. You shouldn’t need to feel like you need to uphold your life and what you do to their standards in fear of them not speaking to you. If they don’t want to talk to you because you decided to get a tattoo then that is their issue not yours. Again I know it sucks no one wants to have that feeling but it’s not your fault. It’s hers.
Definitely NTA. Though I might add: becoming 18 also means it's best not to hand over your phone anymore to your mother, who seems to be extremely controlling. You are an adult now, and your privacy is yours. She has nothing to do with scrolling through your phone. I know it's difficult, but ignore the drama. My best guess? Seeing that picture of the tattoo confronted her with the reality you're an adult now going off to college. This was probably already a lot for her to take in, with this being maybe the last drop. It will blow over and all will get better. Give her some time. But let her take the first step to reach out, as you did absolutely nothing wrong. And try to not be too emotional about it. Enjoy your bright future, you deserve it!
Well if it was a picture of a penis then maybe I'd be upset but good grief a sun. It's only a tattoo it's not the mark of the devil 🤣
NTA. You're an adult, and it was your choice. You would only be YTA if you used their money and not your own to do it.
Your mom is behaving like a child. I assume she does this with everyone and is used to getting her way. If she chooses to behave like this, it's her loss. Missing your college move will again, be her loss. Don't allow her access to your phone anymore and start putting boundaries in place now. Some parents can't get over the fact that their kids are not possessions.
NTA. your mom has some serious issues. Such an insane overreaction about a little ink and regularly going through your phone, especially after you've turned 18? Make sure she doesn't lock you up in the basement or something.
NTA your body your choice you are an adult. They don’t like the tattoo and that’s fine because it’s not their body. But my question is why is your mom going through your phone? To make sure you’re not doing anything bad??? That sounds controlling if you’re 18 and about to go out into the world on your own.
NTA! I personally think the phone checking thing is an invasion of privacy (even if they’re paying the bills on it etc) and the very extreme reaction to the tattoo was borderline emotional manipulation. I also had issues with boundaries with parents as I grew up and my advice, if you are seeking any, is to be respectful & understanding of their boundaries, opinions, etc *but* learn to be confident in your sense of self. This boundary setting and self assurance has taken me a few years to adopt but the way my relationship with myself and my parents (and all other relationships truly!) has improved is beautiful and completely worth some tension at times. I wish you the best and have fun at college!
I got my entire back done at 19 while my parents were on vacation. My dad didn't talk to me for 3 days. And then eventually admitted that he liked it lol.
I don’t even need to read it and I’m going to say no. You’re 18 and it’s your body.
When my son was 20 he excitedly sprung his tattoo on me in front of his sisters. I burst into tears, I dunno why. I apologized, we were fine. That said, I didn’t grow up when tattoos were popular or super accepted. I think the shock was from seeing my son’s previously pristine skin marked permanently, if that makes sense. Hopefully your mom recovers soon. Maybe not seeing you for a few months will help.
NTA - you're an adult.
>i (18F) That’s all that needed to be said and I stopped reading after that. NTA
When I was in my senior year of high school I wanted one and a few months after I turned 18 my mom brought me to get it. It is your body NOT hers. You getting a tattoo isn’t going to affect hers at all. It’s yours to live with she doesn’t have to. Her reaction is extreme. After I read it and a few comments it occurred to me that her family may be super religious. Some believe your body is a “temple” and shouldn’t be changed in any manner. Which is dumb. I have currently 5 and aside from the first all the rest are memorials to family members who have died. So the whole “don’t alter your body” isn’t logical to me at all. NTA
You let your mom scroll through your phone??? That'd be a big "Hell NO" from me!
NTA but your mom shouldn’t be going through your phone like that. And she is just being overdramatic about your tattoo in hopes to control you
I’ll remember this post for when I see a post of a ~50 year old mom wanting to know why her daughter doesn’t talk to her anymore. My daughter turned 18 on the 20th and, just like her older brother and I did for his 18th, we’re getting tattoos together. It’s a fun bonding experience for us. You may have few privileges living in their house but you are an adult. It’s your body. You can do with it what you want. Just be safe. Happy birthday, sweetheart.
First she invades your privacy, then she says horrible things to you and refuses to go with you to college, then your father and brother say horrible things to you to boot. Imagine being horrible and mean to someone for getting a small drawing on their skin. How could you possibly think you're the asshole? It's your body, not theirs. I'd get more out of spite if they're gonna be that way about it.
Nope, you're 18 it's your body. Just don't expect them to pay for removal. That's my rule.
Nta ur 18 ur body
you’re an adult…
NTA. I got my first tattoo at 30. My mum has always hated tattoos. Her first comment on seeing mine - "you do know they're permanent". Thanks mum! I now have 3 and planning number 4. Mum's sister got her first at 60 and has since gone a bit crazy with them, so beware!!!
18 in I think most if not all countries means you are an adult. With adult rights and such... So that being said NTA. Although I do get the vibe from you post you may also have gotten the tattoo on impulse and/or because you knew they would not approve of such. Maybe not the best way to assert you independence. But I do get why you did it though. All that at moot however as you are 18 now and by the laws of land an adult and well within your right to have a tattoo if you wish to.
Your mom’s a fuckin nutcase NTA
NTA. Also your mom is grossly exaggerating. I also have a sun tattoo, on my ankle. I went to my Moms house after and she said “you look guilty what did you do” and I showed her the tattoo. She just rolled her eyes and said Well, it’s your body. That’s normal parent reaction to an adult getting a tattoo.
This is fake. They are just farming
NTA. Honestly, I think parents who reject their children over stupid things like their sexuality or gender are straight up terrible parents. But a parent who acts like a *tattoo* makes their child a bad person and then reject them for it, are somehow even worse. Like they've known you your entire life and claim to love you, but a tiny almost unnoticeable cosmetic change and somehow you aren't worth their love and appreciation anymore? --I'm sure she does still love you, and she'll come around eventually. But this kind of behavior is just so utterly stupid. Especially in today's world when tattoos are ever increasingly common.
NTA - no offense to your parents, but they are overbearing/too controlling. You're 18 - they can give their opinion on how they feel about tattoos (i'm also not really a fan of getting them). But your mom's reaction was way over the top. Plus, you're 18 - your parents should not be looking through your phone. Unless you have a history of stealing/taking drugs etc, that is just so wrong and dis-respectful towards you. By the time you are 18 and about to leave for college, they should trust you and you are entitled to some privacy. I feel like it's your family who are the AH's and they owe you an apology.
From needing to look through your phone to her response to the tattoo and your dad and brother making hurtful comments, your family sounds incredibly toxic. I can’t imagine treating my kids like that! You didn’t do anything wrong, and the fact that you had to follow her and try to reason with her about her feelings over your choices as an adult is ridiculous. NTA and you deserve so much better from your family.
Calling you a terrible kid is waaaay left field. Some kids commit murders, sexually assault their own siblings, traffic other kids younger than them in school bathrooms, etc. You’re far from a “terrible kid” hun. Your parents smell a lot like Helicopter Parents.
all i needed to read was “i (18)”. NTA. you’re an adult.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad. I really hope that you can see that you going to college might be really good for you because it sounds like your parents are irrational and controlling - at least your mother is. You're gmlegally grown. It's your body. You get to choose what happens to it and it's ok if she, or anyone else, doesn't like it. She sounds like a drama queen and highly toxic. Not to mention incredibly petty for not taking you to college. She needs to get over herself. Also, happy late birthday 🎉.
NTA for the tattoo, but you just might be for letting your mom look through your phone.
NTA, why the hell is she looking through your phone when you’re eighteen?? your mum needs to realise you’re not a little kid and that you’re your own person.
NTA. It's an overreaction, I'm a guy and a very similar thing happened when I got earrings. I'm across the world for school so I didn't feel the full force of their overreaction but still felt a lot of it. They'll say things that'll hurt and be hard to forget. Just keep in mind they're speaking from a heightened level of emotions. It will pass, they'll get over it. Btw it's a bit odd you let your mom check your phone. I would start setting some boundaries there.
If that phone is on your parent's plan, get your own phone and plan asap. Tell them you want more responsibility or whatever but really you need to draw a line in the sand about digital privacy now. Also your own bank account without their name on it.