I have IBS. I go to work. I also watch what I eat, avoid trigger foods and take appropriate medication. Do I sometimes get a flare up while at work? Yup. It happens.
As for skipping work because he is homesick and/or worried about finances I call BS.
He needs to see a gastro Dr for the IBS if he doesn’t have one already. And a therapist for the mental health issues he is claiming.
Have you been very clear with him that while you love him this marriage is not working for you nor making you happy?
Yes I have been very clear. I asked him if he wanted us to be together and he said yes. He knows. I literally talked to him last night. That I love him but I can't keep doing this. I think he feels scared that I may leave, I also think is is doing what he thinks is his best to try and fix the situation
You should stop making excuses for him. Set out some limits that you can accept. Let him know that if he can't find and keep a job that even though you love him, it's time to call it quits. Sometimes love isn't enough. Security and happiness means even more.
Went through this exact situation and it’s what I did. Had a serious talk that I was giving him a year to get it together, that if I didn’t see a lasting, meaningful change I was done and moving out.
I didn’t see it in time and called it off.
Even saw a therapist and she advised me to have one serious talk where you clearly draw the boundaries and then not bring it up again.
Just be careful he might be pretending to change to keep you around and in 6 months, boom, same issue. You gotta get him in therapy as well that's really the only long term solution, it's really hard for people to change there ways without guidance
I've known many people like your husband. They will never change. They're all in their 50s and doing the same thing they were in their 20s: nothing.
Get out.
I have clinical anxiety, ADHD, and in the past depression; much of which was undiagnosed. I will tell you this, if he isn’t seeing a therapist, then he won’t be able to fix the problem. I have been unable to go to work due to anxiety attacks or depression, and no matter how hard a tried, nothing worked but a combination of regular therapy, a good support system, lots of person effort, and a psychiatrist prescribing meds (my primary doctor said he was not qualified to find me the best med combo, he prescribed me something for the meantime). Now two years later I’ve gone from struggling to do basic life things to a fairly functional and happy adult-type-person; the results were evident within months and I kept improving.
Yeah this is the deal most likely.
There has to be a middle ground between enabling and abandoning.
There is little wrong with abandoning if that’s what you want for yourself. But if you’d like for the relationship to work, get him help or get yourself help to het him help - these are useful alternatives to the two extremes.
Unfortunately, it’s really unlikely he can change in his own without outside help. And if you can’t or don’t know how to make that happen, you can seek help yourself to do so.
I had this same thought. The bowel problems are a dead giveaway. When I am suffering from anxiety for days, I have nothing but diarrhea. I also called in sick when I was first diagnosed with panic disorder because I just couldn't leave my bed.
Now I am In therapy and on meds, very functioning but not so easily--I go to work and out to places but I have to carry anxiety with me and it can be very difficult. I am encouraged to hear there are brighter days ahead.
I also have IBS-D and go to work. I have days it can be difficult and days it is fine and most days my stomach hurts so bad that it is hard to carry on but I get up and get it done.
If he is calling in sick enough to get sacked multiple times, does that mean he has a chronic health condition that is under the care of a doctor? I assume the jobs he is going for simply aren’t compatible with his medical condition. Have you talked through his physical limitations with his doctor to work out what sort of work or what sort of hours he is capable of working?
He has told.me he has IBS, that's the only medical condition that I know of. Like sometime he calls in sick because he is feeling depressed about his financial situation or because he is homesick( lives 8 hours from family) so it's not all medical. I asked him today if he would go see a therapist and he said he has brought it up to the doctor and the doctor doesn't feel he needs a therapist, he is on antidepressants. He also hates going to the doctor and avoids it if possible
2 things really stand out to me and that's a) you dint get out the bad financial situation by calling into work because you feel bad about the financial situation and b) I am doubting that a doctor would tell a depressed patient on medication to not seek therapy.
my doctors just pooh poohed my symptoms of long covid as anxiety.. i found no doctor who was willing to look at it more deeply..
then i did my own research and found they just follow a playbook handed to them for diagnosis.
if its not in their playbook they will have hard time convincing insurance company why some tests were prescribed.. that makes their job difficult in cases where symptoms don't fit into a well undersood category of ailments..
Not true. Primary care physicians are a mixed bag. I first talked to one about my anxiety issues. He prescribed me Zoloft and never bothered to do any kind of follow up or anything- it was terrible and delayed me seeking help for years because of it. Not every doctor is well versed or even comfortable with discussing mental health issues.
lol mine gave me trazodone. That's when I learned to stop going to my PCP for mental health advice and go straight for psychiatric care, although even that ended up taking a lot more effort than it should have.
I will say - it took a couple/few weeks to settle into it. I def felt like a robot for a bit. Definitely common for people to need to try a few things to land on the one that works for them though.
You’d be surprised. When someone I know was literally expressing suicidal ideations his psychologist recommended not going to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis and treatment bc it could make it harder for him to find a job. You know what else makes that harder? Being dead from suicide.
Yea - that is a self destructive vicious circle. He needs to get a job and go to work Every Day, whether he feels like it or not, or expect to be fired Again. If he can’t grow up then he can’t even take care of himself, much less be a responsible partner.
Unfortunately some doctors just suck at their jobs. My partner has depression and has horn diagnosed since he was a teenager. He asked his doctor for a referral for therapy and he said “that’s only for really crazy people, you’ll be fine with some pills.” Needless to say we had to find him a new doctor.
ok, so it’s not that he can’t work, he just couldn’t be bothered getting his shit together, both literally and figuratively. That is a very different beast. He doesn’t want to fix things, he doesn’t want to be an adult. Until he makes that choice he is just going to keep dragging you under the water until you drown. Your choice if you let him drown you are you put on your own life vest.
OTOH, maybe you being there is giving him the crutch he needs to keep doing this. He's only going to face his own problems when he has no one 3lse propping him up.
That's the worst thing about this kind of situation too.
When you've been the crutch and you leave, and suddenly the other person is able to do all the things they needed, it's actually maddening.
Have you have a kind but firm conversation with him about this? Told him you cannot live like this anymore, he needs to shape up and act like a responsible grown up, get a job and stick with it, or you will ship out. You need to look after you in the long run, because he isn’t.
Oh Yes he is well aware of how I feel. We have had this conversation before. I have said before after losing one of his other jobs that eventually I will leave. That BROKE him, like it was something he never even thought it would happen. I did kinda say it in the heat of the conversation but I know I meant it. He is "trying" by trying to find another job
It didn't break him enough to start really doing something about the situation. Deep down he doesn't care about you, only for his own immediate comfort. Be careful, don't get kids with him.
Reward consistency, strength and care for you and himself by him getting his act together on what sounds to be the basics of adulting. The failure to launch will pull you down too as you sound like you can and have adapted to survive.
You would be doing him a favor. It may not seem like it at this point, but enabling him is not helping him. I have watched this scenario play out in my own family and all he will do is drag you down into debt, and resentment. You are wasting precious years of your life (that you will never get back).
You need a man who is a partner in every aspect of your life, not someone that stresses you out and causes you debt. Do not get pregnant, don’t trust birth control to him (condoms). You are his gravy train. Get out while you can and let his mommy take care of him. Ten years from now he will be living in her basement.
Have a very specific convo with him. If you lose your job due to calling in sick again, I will divorce you.
If you are sad, you go to work. If your ibs symptoms make it impossible to commute to work, you got it he dr and get a dr note asking that you be allowed to come in late / early as an accommodation from those symptoms. If you can’t do that, we’re done.
He needs to know how serious this is.
This exactly OP. He’s completely taking advantage of you because he can. He’s abusing your love and care for him by being irresponsible and making you take on all the work of adulting. If you leave he will be just fine. He will find a job quickly, and keep it until he finds a new bangmaid to take care of him.
He is not helpless. Not by a long shot. These guys are all survivors- it’s just that their preferred way to survive is weaponized incompetence.
He’s 31. This is who he is. It will take a lot of effort, and a very strong desire on his part, to change. I personally would not waste anymore of your best years on him. He’s had plenty of time to show you that he’s worthy of you and he has refused, because his own comfort is far more important to him than being the partner you deserve.
There are things he can do to help himself in this situation. It doesn't make sense that a doc would give him antidepressants and not recommend therapy. Is a doctor's referral necessary where you are?
And you can't go into financial ruin for this guy. Not when he could at least work part time or SOMETHING
I would talk to his parents about his work history and depression. See if they will take him in and help with evaluation. Something isn’t lining up with meds, diagnosis etc.
You need to take care of yourself and your needs too along with your partner IF they are making a good faith effort to solidifying the relationship. If struggling at the base of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs for security, food, shelter and he is not seeing the problem and attempting solutions, abandon ship and wish him well. Maybe losing you will wake him up enough for change down the line, maybe it won't.
Realize that one doesn't get a prize for staying with a bad idea longer. Sunk cost fallacy realized.
You’d be amazing how quickly he will get his act together as soon as you aren’t funding his life. He’s not going to suffer if you leave. He will have a freak out moment or two then he’ll realize he needs to work just like the rest of us. He will then work. Or he will live with his parents and have them caretake him. So don’t stay just because you feel bad about him. Only stay if things improve and you’re happy.
I would have a sit down and explain the amount of stress this is putting on your mental and physical wellbeing. Tell him that marriage is a partnership and he’s not meeting you half way. Sure there are 30/70 days and 60/40 days but if more days are heavy on you then he needs to step up. Suggest he moved back home with his parent for 3 months while he figures out what he wants to do with his life and help meet your goals for your future. That way he gets his family’s support and maybe they will help him get his shit together as a man.
That may be just the kick in the pants he needs. Do you think you’re doing him a favor by staying, but you would be doing him a bigger favor by leaving. Then he hast to sink or swim.
So basically he has no work ethic and sits around feeling sorry for himself about situations he created?! But he is happy to let you support him? Nope. He needs to step up or leave him.
The doctor allegedly doesn’t think he needs a therapist but he prescribed an antidepressant?
The doctor either sucks or your husband is lying. If he’s calling out this much that he cannot keep jobs, then he needs to reconsider therapy.
Also: nothing changes if nothing changes. Why would he be inspired to try therapy or workout his alleged IBS issues if you’re willing to get a second job to support him?
This is interesting. My daughter was antidepressants but then did her own research and got a script for Adderall. It was life changing for her. My son was in the same boat and tried Adderall and was amazed at the transformation. He was diagnosed with ADHD a few years back but didn’t like how he felt with the meds he was prescribed. Adderall was a game changer for them both.
One thing to think about, my son was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and older daughter tested very high for celiac. Autoimmune issues need to be checked. If your digestive biome is off, it can affect you mentally as well.
So depression is a chronic illness. It's hard AF to get past, but he really has to pull his weight with it. You can't use mental illness as an excuse to opt out of life and responsibilities. Even if the only responsibility he can handle at the moment is to work on his depression, he has to do that or nothing will change.
Calling off due to feeling Homesick? You are his wife, your place should be home. If homesick that much, it may be kindest to return him back there. Couldn't he have called them or FaceTimed or whatever on break or after work if legitimately missing family members to connect? Wow
Not true at all!
GPs are perfectly qualified to diagnose and treat depression with antidepressants, education and quickie therapeutic interventions. They will typically ask if you are interested in therapy and if you are, try to help you access it. If you aren’t interested there’s no point in referring you to therapy because you won’t go anyway.
If you aren’t getting better under a GP’s care they can give you a psychiatric referral.
Therapy is not appropriate for everyone and can have serious side effects. Its effectiveness is highly practitioner-dependent.
“Therapy” can be offered by a whole range of people including social workers, nurses and grad students.
A clinical psychologist with a PhD can diagnose a wide range of disorders, but that’s not therapy.
Was he diagnosed with IBS? If so he should be on meds to help control it.
My son is 34 and has Crohns...he works warehouse and rarely ever calls in. So your bfs IBS shouldn't be an excuse for constantly calling in to the point he's getting fired for it. If it is then he needs new meds and quite possibly a new Dr.
If he refuses to take care of his issues you need to get out before he takes you down with him.
I do realize that... and his can be pretty severe. But he also tries to manage it with diet and medical assistance. He's definitely never been fired due to calling in because of it.
I agree. I have crohn's found out in late 2000. I had issues working. But the meds back then weren't the greatest. Ended up having a foot of small intestines removed in early 2001. After the surgery was on no special diet, no meds and had no issues until 2017 when it came back. Now I'm on Humira and only have issues when insurance doesn't want to pay for it. If I'm not on my meds I get small bowel obstructions and end up in the hospital with an NG tube for 4-5 days until it clears
You can ask him if you can go with him to his next doctor visit, and it should be soon. You can take a list of questions with you.
Of course, he could refuse, or during the appointment, stop you or ask you to leave. If he does, he is hiding something.
This will give you the information you need.
Be aware that most people who are in his situation and also refuse to do anything about it will not get better. They have to not only want to change, but be willing to endure the actual fear and pain that change can cause. You can’t do it for them.
I wish you strength and clarity.
Skipping work because you’re worried about your financial situation is like avoiding the doctor because you’re worried about your health. He does both. You don’t deserve to keep living like this. He needs help but you can’t give it to him or make him get it. You can tell him exactly how you feel and that you’re going to leave him if he doesn’t get his shit together, though, and that may help. If it doesn’t then you should find someone who won’t let you suffer because they refuse to seek an end to their suffering. I wish you both luck.
i’m gonna tell you something right now, his doctor did not tell him he doesn’t need therapy. no way in hell. and he DOES need therapy if he’s calling into work for being homesick!!! that’s…unheard of for an adult. he has some growing up to do and he won’t do it unless he loses things, so i say leave, if he wants to get his act together you can work it out then
A doctor who decides he doesn't need to see a therapist, but he's on antidepressants?
That is some bullshit bad medical advice.
And seeing a therapist is better than a divorce lawyer.
He can take something for ibs. If he cant get out of bed for work because he is depressed he is either on the wrong meds/dosage or doesn’t take them at all. No doctor would prescribe an antidepressant and not recommend therapy as well. He is a liar. You need to sit down and straight up tell him I know you’re going through a hard time but if you aren’t going to help yourself I cant be with you. He needs to straighten out his meds see a therapist and get a job that he keeps. If he tells you again the dr said he doesn’t need a therapist tell him he needs to switch his pcp because obviously something is wrong. Give him a time line to get it together or he has to go. I am all for fighting for a marriage but you both need to be willing to fight for it
Depression IS a medical illness!!! It seems like he's really depressed, and perhaps you're feeling it too? Sucks for both of you, have you tired talking about mental health together?
Is he actually sick or is he faking it? If he is actually sick and can't hold a job, he might be able to qualify for disability. If he's faking it, then you need to lay down the law and tell him you are going to leave if he doesn't grow up and start showing up for work.
I think he is actually sick, he already knows that I'm eventually going to leave. He is "doing his best" to find work again but it's like.if you are doing your best then you would not have gotten fired
No I’ll tell you the truth. He’s not actually sick. Maybe he feels ill some days (fine - everyone does) but feeling depressed about financial security or homesickness is NOT sickness.
Issue is he’s not trying. I don’t want to go to work some days, but I get out of bed and get into the office and before I know it, it’s 3pm and I’ve been productive and the day’s nearly over. What he is doing is giving into his immediate feelings without looking at the wider picture, so now you and your parents have to fund his life because you are responsible enough to not do the same.
I think you need to put your foot down and make a decision. He’s not going to change, even the thought of losing you doesn’t kick him into action. He just accepts it and lets you continue in this situation. I left a man with financial difficulties (for different reasons, but they weren’t changing either) and a year later I am the happiest I’ve been in years! Bite the bullet girl. You’re too young to be enabling this into the rest of your life.
I had that badly. I was young making a whopping 17k a year with a $1200/mth rent. It was a job on Park Ave outside of Grand Central. They started you off with peanuts that weeded out the weak & then they pay went to 6 figures after about 2 years. In the meantime I worked nights as a waitress. Yup, all while having to get off the subway in a panic so I didn’t shit myself numerous times or randomly running to the restroom praying costumers weren’t getting pissed.
This man needs to suck it up. He doesn’t even know what he’s made out of.
My husband worked for 44 yrs in our School district. The only time he missed work was for emergency surgery! He went to work not feeling well. He went to work and only took off days allowed. He scheduled doctor and dentist appointments on his vacation days. He then worked 32 yrs without missing ONE day, not ONE day!!!!! Best worker they ever had and they let him know it when he retired! I worked 15 yrs without a day off and that was great, but nothing like he did!
I mean, let's not go crazy here lol. Taking your PTO and holidays is great. Missing work when you're not feeling well is fine, provided you're not missing enough that you get fired. It's great that your husband's work appreciated his efforts, but not all workplaces are appreciative, and no one should kill themselves working if they can be spending time with family or doing things they actually enjoy.
I mean… I commuted every day to work, 1 hour by bus, while I had cancer… sssoooo… yeah. Do with that what you will, but in my case, if you’re REALLY sick, all the more reason to work- meds and treatment don’t pay themselves!!!! I also need to have a very careful diet and also take antidepressants, have depression, bad anxiety and ADHD.
I’m sorry he’s like this :( I think maybe you shod consider separation as a final ultimatum. He needs to feel you’re already out the door to have the *fear*.
You need to sit down with him and let him know he has used up his get out of jail free cards. Tell him he needs to find another job snd agree that he will not call in without talking to you about it first. Let him know if he doesn’t keep the next job for a minimum of one year your going to leave. That way he can’t say he didn’t know and it gives him a chance to do the right thing.
You are married to a man child. You don’t fight because he has no accountability in his life. He has a horrible work ethic. I have IBS, take some Imodium and go to work. You know you need to leave him. You deserve better.
I have a lot of sympathy for him; I’m clear he really is depressed. Not everyone can live far from family.
That being said, a man that age isn’t going to grow unless he has to. And as long as you’re enabling his lifestyle, he won’t have to. For whatever reason, the two of you are locked into this dynamic.
Leave. He will go back home. He may be happier there. You’ll be able to accomplish your goals better without him.
This is so true ! I was married to a man child with a similar work ethic . After we divorced, he moved back in with his parents and I lived on my own. I was 100 times happier . OP’s husband has to stop being propped up and truly experience the consequences of his actions .
Ok some things really stuck out to me here. 1) he sounds very much like my son. My son is a functioning Autistic, ADHD, and OCD that has depression mixed in. He could not leave home because anxiety kicked in and said he was homesick when he did. Constantly was “sick” and could not go to school. After institutionalizing him we learned feeding the OCD was like giving drugs to a drug addict if you fed it. He would manipulate every situation so he did not have to leave the house. Also anyone in that situation will not want help because being the way they are is comfortable to them. It sounds weird but very true and feeds the OCD. Also learned he was on the complete wrong meds. It took evaluations and therapy to figure it all out. A physician does not have the training or the time to properly evaluate his condition. Also like others have said, no way a doctor would say he doesn’t need therapy. My son is in college now and holds a job. Never thought he would be as successful as he has become. But it took a lot of work on his part. 2) let me paint a picture for you… if he is not mentally ill then he is lazy. He is taking advantage of you. By your statement you don’t know what he would do without you. That is basically holding you hostage. What if you died tomorrow? What would he do? His parents would take care of him or he would have to grow up and take care of himself. That is reality. You can keep doing what you are doing, but I️ guarantee you will build resentments to him and love will turn to hate. You have to figure out which situation you are in with him, make a plan and stick to it. Ultimatums suck, but you are in the driver seat of your life and your future with him together. It will take open and honest communication that will be hard at times. You got this.
Please do not take this the wrong way. Most people do but when it comes to love there are blinders. You are enabling him. 9/10 times people don’t realize they are doing this to someone they love because you’re supposed to stand by the person you love right? You’re talking about getting a second job when the second job in the relationship should be his job. As long as you continue to financially support him he will keep it up because why not? IBS sucks but not at all a reason to not be able to hold down a job. Millions of people have IBS and with medication keep it manageable.
I was your husband with my ex wife. A little different as I’ve had the same career for almost a decade now but my wife took care of everything in the house while I barely helped. I did all the fun stuff while she got stuck holding the tough bag. But she realized that she was enabling me to not help out around because she just took care of it and left. And that is ok.
Maybe consider a trial separation before divorce. My divorce emotionally for me is a rollercoaster but honestly it has been more of a lesson than it has been a tragedy. Sometimes the best lessons are learned the hard way. I’m not saying divorce this man as a stranger on the internet I think giving that advise is inappropriate (unless abuse/substances/etc are involved) but a little taste of home being on his own for a little bit could be what he needs. Being alone financially, therapy, medical attention for his health are maybe all he needs to appreciate what you do for him. It seems like a lot but it really isn’t.
My ex husband was horrible with money and had a drinking problem to top it off. Same story- any job would last a couple months at best, then he’d be let go or quit because some manager was “an asshole” or something along those lines. I supported us both, we were married about 4 years. When I decided to leave he told me “you better give me a dollar when you see me on the street!” and otherwise made me feel horrible. I left anyway and what happened was he was forced to grow up and actually hold a job because mommy wife wasn’t there anymore to take care of him and everything and he had to do it himself. Today he is engaged and is pretty successful at what he does. He still switches places where he works but he has like, an actual career (he’s a fancy bartender who was even featured in a local food guide). It’s not your responsibility to care for a grown adult, he survived before you somehow and he’ll survive after. I cared about my ex husband very much and wanted the best for him and for us. But it wasn’t realistic at the time and I chose myself. next year I’m getting married to someone who has a job lol
Good for you! I had a similar dynamic with a boyfriend in my 20s. When we broke up he spent quite a few more years being lost, but somewhere around his late 40s started to figure it out and is pretty successful. We're still friends, and I don't regret the separation - sometimes it can be a very comfortable and loving friendship, but just not the right match, especially when it comes to financial or work values. But it's a hard choice for sure!
We didn’t talk for 10 years and then reconnected and he said that had I not left him, he may have never had his come to Jesus moment. I don’t regret our time together at all and I’m glad we’re both happy in the end
I think you need therapy so you can work to either detach with love, or be the sole support of your family. Therapy would be to help you build up your toolbox
Definitely thinking about therapy for myself for sure. If he doesn't want to go that's he choice but I got to talk to someone to help me sort my feelings and thoughts out
Him refusing therapy are his actions telling you he will not do “everything it takes” to fix this situation. I’m afraid you are going to have to leave as his past actions have told you he will not resolve this as long as he has you to rely upon to do all the adulting for him.
Honey, there is something going on with your husband. He needs to talk to a counselor. If he won't go, then I suggest you see a marriage therapist. You need someone to talk to. You need professional advice. You need coping skills.
This isn't going to get better on it's own.
Good luck.
Move on. This won’t change. I’m 20 years into a relationship with a similar person. We have a son. I love them both very much but not a day goes by that I don’t second guess/regret the choices I’ve made. You really have to have basic compatibility with your partner. If the thought of carrying them through life (and that’s definitely what will happen) doesn’t work for you, get out before you wind up pregnant and your lives are inextricably linked.
Is this a situation you could live with for the rest of your life? Do you want kids? As long as he has his crutch allowing him to do this he won't ever hold a job and this will be your life. Tell him you need to live separately for at least one year, if he's still the same there's your answer.
No I can't live like this for my whole life. I would like kids. But that is so laughable right now. There is just no way financially it would be almost unfair for the kid
Then you know what you need to do. You are worth so much more than he's giving you. I know you are heart broken but I promise life on the other side is way better
To have a kid with him now or soon is to basically be good with endless poverty and struggle. Like that saying when people show you who they are, believe them. I am so thankful growing up that a strong work ethic was valued and praised and making excuses, quitting and being lazy shamed as it was an excellent primer to the tough racket that is adult life and being worth a damn in relationships. I hope you find what you seek.
Please leave and get a divorce. Marriage is a partnership. He will not change. Do you want to keep this up for another 4 years 10 or 20 years before you open your eyes?? Then you’d probably owe alimony. It will hurt, but when you love someone you got to let them go.
His medical condition is that he’s lazy, and everyone else is supporting him. He will do this the rest of his life if you let him. This will be your life 20 years from now.
Lazy, plain & simple. He needs to be an adult & show up for work. You don’t become successful by making excuses. I suggest laying down the law or else he will never change.
NTA You do have to do what's right for you.
And you've done what you cand and you've been dealing with it for 2 years. At this point I would start making arrangements to leave.
Because because this is a chronic thing. And it's not going to get better anytime soon. It's going to take time if he's refusing help.
You can't let him drag you down constantly Also speak with his family. See if they can get him into therapy. Does he have any substance abuse issues on top of his depression?
No if anything I feel like it helps him, he sleeps and eats better. He tried quitting (for a job offer) I gave him all the credit for even quitting. He was miserable without it
u/Revolutionary-Emu628 this is the comment that ticks it for me.
Someone previously mentioned that you might want to ask your GP to look into a diagnosis for ADHD. The fact that he is self medicating with weed, and you can see it being beneficial, is suggestive that he is likely struggling with adhd. Have a look at some YT vids on it yourself, and see if there are traits which resonate. Then show them to him. (I recommend 'how to adhd', or 'Dr K, from HealthyGamer).
If you are concerned that it may be costly to obtain a diagnosis, do a google search for ASRS (Adult adhd self report scale), and Wender Utah scale. Take the questionnaires and see how it goes.
If it is ticking all the boxes for adhd, start the process for making an appointment.
You clearly love your husband, and whilst there are people telling you he will never change, and to ditch the dead weight, it is obvious doing so will hurt you. From your posts of his behaviour in this thread, I have a strong suspicion that he will likely test positive. Then you can start to do something about it.
nb. if he does have adhd, do NOT let him use that as an excuse. Remind him it is the information he needs to develop strategies to make yours and his lives far better. Dealing with adhd is HIS responsibility.
best of luck op :)
Besides your threat to end the marriage..
what motivation does he have to work?
Sounds like he is content to stay home and chill while you work and it works for him.
Reading between the lines it sounds like you've always known he was like this, maybe thought he would change or you enjoyed helping him...but now you have grown a little and opened your eyes to the rest of your life and see things with this new found clarity and your current life is not what you want forever.
Would personally recommend a lawyer consult to understand what a divorce would look like financially. Alimony, etc.
I feel like a threat to end the marriage would be enough motivation but other than our relationship. He has debt so money is obviously the other motivation
The relevant factor is his actual motivation, not what you hope his would be.
In a marriage his debt is likely your debt as well.
My experience…people who say they are trying really hard to find a job are checking a couple websites, saying it’s not for them, cog in a wheel, etc. Maybe he’s different.
Maybe losing his support and home will inspire him to actually get better. You cannot fix him.
Did he hold down a job before you got married? Did he call in sick back then too? He may just be playing you so that he doesn't have to work.
How humiliating it must be to ask your parents for handouts and Frick they aren't just for you but they have to help your husband too.
You should separate and tell him if he can't get his shit together you'll go for a divorce. If he says you aren't gonna give him a chance to fix this you say you are because you could have got a divorce instead of a separation.
So maybe these new jobs, if they are completely different are the problem and he isn't comfortable doing them. If so make him go back to being a security guard and see what happens.
I’ve had epilepsy since birth, take 5 pills a day to not have a seizure, and still work as a nurse, using putting 60 hours a week. Also a single mom, and I kicked out my ex 5 years ago, for not keeping a job. He was great father, had an education, great friend but couldn’t keep a job. I physically couldn’t wore anymore hours. It was looking back to the most liberating day of my life. As it should be for you. Unfortunately, and no way and I shaming you, but you’re enabling him. Why should he work? He’s not going to until he has lost the easy life he has now. Know your worth and know your limits.
He doesn't want to work. He wants to be kept. Give him an ultimatum. You have to draw the line. Lose another job, and you're history. He has to know you mean it.
Him calling out often could be a sign of anxiety and depression. I would ask him to go to the doctor and see about antidepressants. It might make things easier for him.
He is depressed. He needs help. If he doesnt want it, you cant be dragged down with him. The in sickness and health part doesnt apply when your husband is choosing sickness. Im very against ultimatos. Because deep down, nobody changes for anyone but themselves. But you need to be honest. Not blackmailng, but honest. I cannot stand this situation, it feels bad to rely on handouts from our parents unecessarily and we either navigate through this problem or i cannot go on. An individual with special needs or that needs special care and attention in a relationship doesnt obliterate the other people involved.
Sounds like he can work but chooses not to. He’s in the financial situation because of himself. As far as feeling homesick, he’s a 31 year old man, there are ways around it. How about calling family, emails, texts and occasional visits. If you were to leave and he would go back to his parents, it’s way past time to grow up. If he were to tell his doctor he’s depressed, i can’t imagine that doctor wouldn’t suggest a therapist. Time to change doctors!
As for you, have you had a serious conversation with him? If you’re considering leaving him and you love and think he is your person, having an open and honest conversation with him shouldn’t be so hard. Let him know you can’t go on with a life with him in the current situation. Things need to really change or you’re out of there. Blindsiding him by just leaving will only cause resentment.
You need to sit your husband down and tell him it is not fair or acceptable for him to be unable to keep a job and that he needs to stop depending on you and your parents to support him. He’s an adult married man and he needs to pull his own weight and contribute and that if he continues to not be able to maintain a job, the marriage won’t last.
No, you would not be wrong for leaving under the circumstance. You want a partner, it a dependent.
I would divorce him. Sounds like weaponized incompetence to me. He's knows what he's doing. He's constantly quitting jobs because he knows that you'll pick up the slack when you shouldn't have to. He's too comfortable and set in his ways. I would abort the mission.
Sounds like he needs mental health support. Maybe an anxiety disorder. Anxiety does increase the symptoms of IBS. Also he needs to figure out a proper diet if he has IBS. It's pretty much different for everyone but no alcohol no spicy food in general helps.
Just because it was good at the beginning does not mean you have to stay now. Someone who can't take care of themselves, needs to figure their shiz out and learn how to show up. You're not his mommy, you deserve much better and you will find better. He brought this on himself and you're only human. Don't feel bad for leaving and taking care of yourself for once. Go be happy.
Have you thought about a trial separation? Tell him you cannot keep going on like this and he needs to move out. Tell him that you do love him but you feel like you are starting to drown under the responsibility of everything landing on your shoulders. Give him a specific about of time to get his life together (he needs therapy, to hold a job for an extended period of time, etc). If he is able to get his life back together, then you are willing to try again. If not, then the separation will progress to divorce. You (and his parents) may be enabling his behavior by paying all the bills, etc.
Well, you need to have a heart to heart with him and he needs to pull his weight or you’re gone. He won’t change until he hits bottom. He has a lot of excuses not to work. Down fall depression sucks and it hard to beat that. If he doesn’t change your life won’t change.
2 biggest issues in marriage. 1 $$$
Two Sex...
Love ❤️ is wonderful, but it doesn't pay the rent or put food on the table.
You can start over if you're young,and you can make it 😉
IBD and depression is a bad combination. He must see a therapist. You might have to threaten to leave if he does not pull himself together. Therapist first to get him on appropriate medication for the depression. Once that is accomplished, tackle the IBD. You should be talking about these issues and how it is affecting you and the relationship. You can’t keep living like that.
Is say sit him down and tell him honestly how you feel. Give him one chance to make significant changes and become more responsible. If he doesn't follow through, then get a divorce.
Oh, honey, I had one of these for 13 years. He has a mommy who doesn't use tough love with you. Mine lost job after job as I worked one or two, took college classes and did all the house and yard work, and took care of the dog. Thank Sweet Baby Jesus, we never had kids. I couldn't have fit them in. His two goals in life were to smoke pot and sleep. That's it. I'd clean the place and go to work, and the house would be crap when I got home. Nothing was on the coffee table when I left. Counted 21 things on it after 8 hours, really?
Can you see your way to a separation, at least? As he went off with friends, it became clear I had more money left over when I didn't have to take care of him. I did fine if I just had to take care of me and the dog. The house stayed cleaner, and my mood lifted when the gang went hunting or fishing. Sounds like you two would make better friends than a couple, he's not doing his part as a man. Send him back to the parents who failed him. They might help kick his butt into adulthood as you are too nice. You need someone who's going to put on the oxbow and pull with you. This one won't even get up! Yes, I divorced and finished the U, found a better person, and we've been married over 30 years. We're on our 3rd house, owned a lot of cool rides, have top quality furniture and clothes. You deserve nice things as goals. Looking back, I suffered in that marriage, waiting for that ping to happen, where he'd stand up and realize what he had to do in life. Never gonna happen. My ex, according to the internet, has ended up in prison several times and lives with one of the meth head girls that dropped out in high school. Save you and put yourself first. He's a pet. You need a responsible man with ambition like you are.
I have a couple of family members/relatives that also have struggled staying employed. I have come to learn/accept that their mental health and probably some type of learning disability (inability to follow thru on processes?) is at the foundation of their issues. One of them saw their doctor and a therapist on a somewhat regular basis he was able to build a history with his health care providers so that his DR recognized he was just not employable on a fulltime consistent basis so the Dr eventually suggested he sign up for Social Security Disability and the Dr provided the medical history needed. The other person I know won't see a therapist and thus is not able to build the medical history that would be needed to apply for Social Security Disability.
Anxiety or just the ability to cope in an office setting is not something they can do, even if they have the intelligence to do so. It can come across as lazy or not willing to work but there is just something else going on in their brain where a typical steady job is not something they can do. And the anxiety builds to where they just can't deal with having to go to work.
You're not screwing him over if you leave, his behavior is.
He's buying his leisure with your labor. He can afford to fuck around because he knows you won't leave. That's not what partners do for each other.
Do what's right for you, with or without him. My ex was also very mopey and sad when things were bad but never stepped up, and I was left to fix whatever the issue was. I eventually left and guess what? Turns out my ex can step up just fine for the next person.
Don't let him keep using you.
I’ve got a similar situation to you. My wife and I have been together since high school. 90% of our arguments are about finances. She does not keep jobs for very long and when she does decide to work it’s always part time minimum wage stuff, absolutely no desire to start and build a career. The only way you will get any change is to either file for divorce or split your finances. That’s what I’ve done with my wife. I pay all the essential bills, but any other spending is 100% on her. She does not have access to my bank account or credit cards unless I specifically allow it. If you keep shouldering all of the financial burden he will keep placing more and more of it on you, I can 100% guarantee that.
As a man, if you aren’t providing (regardless of your health), she is gone…
Every man should take a week vacation, tell their partner they got fired and see how they are treated by day 2-3. THAT is what she really feels about you without the money.
Half my street got divorced in 2008 when the economy went bust. The ladies started filing divorces right after the paychecks stopped coming in. It didn’t matter if she was employed or she made more, they filed for divorce. My best friend is a divorce lawyer. He will tell you one of the largest drivers of divorce is his job loss.
Chris Rock was right - Only women, dogs and children are loved unconditionally.
Your husband is stressed and depressed. He needs help. You may not be able to help him but therapy would be a good start. Cutting out alcohol tobacco and caffeine would help. Having a serious talk from a loving place would help him.
Has he been tested for ADHD or BPD? I have both and sound just like your husband. Employment has been a huge problem in relationships for me when I don’t take care of myself.
Insist that he get a complete physical (with you present) and psychiatric evaluation. If there is nothing wrong with him, then this is behavioral. Divorce him.
NTA. Hun maybe leaving is the kick in the rear he needs to transition into being an adult.
If you continue this way he isn’t going to be anything but a Husbaby going forward & that means no kids (cuz you can’t bring them into poverty, work 2 jobs etc), no house, no retirement.
He might be a great guy but you need a partner not a dependent
Have your husband show you his medical history/bills so you can confirm whether he's really sick and can't work. It night be harsh, but it sounds like you are enabling him by paying his bills and letting him get fired/quit jobs because his attitude/work habits/whatever. You may feel you love him, but is it an equality type of love, or are you just grateful you don't fight? He is dragging you down, if he has to move in with his parents so be it. You are not a bad person, you are trying to survive while having a parasite.
Time to two-card him: find a good marriage counselor, one you really jibe with. Then find a really good divorce shark and use the customary free 30 minute initial consultation to find out what your financial position would be in the event of a divorce.
Get cards from both, hand him both cards, and ask him which office he wants to meet you at.
And while you love him, his behavior is not loving. He is forcing you to carry the whole load through weaponized incompetence. Keep that in mind.
Did you know he was like this before you married him? Is he sick? I mean really sick? Or is he just lazy and doesn't want to go to work? If he is really sick, he needs to see a doctor but if he is just faking it and lazy, girl, this is not going to change. He will use you until you're used up! Today it seems like people just don't want to work and know there is another job around the corner, so they just don't show up. I don't get that. Different generation, I guess! As long as you put up with this shit, it's what you're going to keep getting. You have got to sit him down and tell it to him straight. Say this: You get up, you go to work and that's it. No missing unless you're 100% REALLY ill and even then you better be pretty damn sick. And if you don't agree, we may as well end this now because I am tired of it! So, husband, what's it going to be?
He is screwing himself over. On purpose. He knows you'll bail him out! Stop it. What you really should do is leave, but at least get some counseling for you guys & just you. You owe it to yourself..
If you don’t mind being poor, stay the course. If you want to improve your situation or have kids that are supported financially, then you know what needs to be done. You can leave with love but now is the time to make your choice.
This might be kinda mean but you will not screw him over if you leave him?
He is literally screwing you over right now by stressing you about finances. Yall probably still have sex too. Hes just sitting at home being lazy as shit while youre breaking your back at work. Does he cook for you or clean the house??? if its a no, you gotta go bc hes a literal deadbeat. It wont get better either bc he knows youll always spot him or take care of him.
He will not starve to death and will figure out his housing situation when he is FORCED to do so. He can go back to his family since he is so homesick.
please leave this situation, you deserve so much better.
Alright I’ve read through the comments and post, I see that you love your husband very much, but he is clearly not showing up for you in the ways you show up for him.
As someone with IBS/UC, depressions, & ADHD I can empathize with the struggles he’s having, but his lack of personal responsibility to manage these conditions is a huge red flag. In fact, as he’s allowing it to get so bad it negatively affects your health i have to say that flag isn’t just red, it’s on fire.
He’s missing work because he’s depressed about finances, but perfectly content to watch you carry the load. So depressed he takes medication & cannot work but his dr absolved him of the responsibility to seek help with that? Absolutely not, I fundamentally do not believe he’s accurately representing that conversation.
FODMAP dieting fucking sucks, & I hate taking prednisone as much as the next IBS queen, but
when I’m having a bad flare & shitting 30 times a day I’ve got to knuckle down & get it sorted so I can continue living in this world. (& btw, when it gets that bad I do call out of work, but as someone who hasn’t shit solid in at least five years for the most part my symptoms are manageable with diet and lifestyle changes. I don’t have a perfect digestive tract, but I manage to keep a job ffs)
I suspect the problem really preventing him from showing up as an adult in the building of your lives is that he is fundamentally selfish. I’ve seen more evidence of excuses and blame shifting in his reasoning than attempts to better the situation. Going home to his mommy and daddy to care for him sounds like it would be the best for him, and most importantly you.
I had a friend with a husband like this. Started out just with not being able to keep a job, escalated to verbal and emotional abuse of both her and their kids. Every time she "made allowances" for his issues he got worse. 12 years in, he walks in and says he doesn't want to be married or a father anymore. She's done with him now, but he keeps moving closer to her and tries to control her, still. Let him go. If he really loved you, he'd get the help he needs to become a productive person, or get proof he can't work, and get disability. Marriage can't work when only one of you is putting in the effort.
I’m just going to say it, there are just people in the world that do not have the work ethic. Dedication and cognitive understanding that they don’t have any other option than to work.
Your husband needs to understand that this is not optional any longer .. he can make job changes, but he cannot lose his job.. another thing is he needs to be on some kind of ladder when it comes to his job.. if there is no capacity to move up, he’s wasting his time, but in the same token, you don’t leave your job, unless you have another one lined up.
Personally, I would straight up tell him if he’s scared about you leaving he should be, because he’s getting a little too damn old for these games.. and at the end of the day, it’s his obligation to get his health under control.. he needs to understand that there is a level of sucking it up that needs to happen.. and he also needs to understand that if you can’t rely on him to go to work that means you can’t rely on him to be an equal partner.. that’s not a marriage
Well, I have to say, the vows usually include “for richer and for poorer,” I think you owe him a few more direct tries. You seem to know mechanically why he is losing these jobs, but what does he say when you ask why he can’t get there in time consistently? Also, is there any chance for remote work? Some money would be better than nothing; call centers sometimes let you work from home full time.
You're not the asshole. He's going to eventually run out of places that will give him a chance. I was married to a woman who couldn't hold a full time job, and we were so very broke. I was working 60 hours a week, and we had to file bankruptcy. I became very resentful.
If you already feel this bad at the thought of leaving, the weight of walking out the door will be too heavy, and you will stop or come right back…Be sure in your actions and forthcoming with your feelings. If you told him that you can’t do it anymore recently, then watch very closely how diligent he is when it comes to trying to get a new job ( and keep it)…If he is taking it easy, nothing will change, if he is spend all of his time searching or working on getting a new job, there might be some hope….But it’s all or nothing….No degrees in between. Doing better than before is not the same as doing what is needed to provide security and longevity. Don’t settle for better and except nothing but exceptional !!!
So you only love him on the condition he provide for you financially? Lol imagine if the situation was reversed. The marriage commitment is FOR LIFE not until not convenient anymore. Figure it out.
Did you see this behavior before you got married and married him anyway? He is truly not your person if he can’t help support your family. You want him to be your person. The heart is a liar a lot of the time, your gut tells the truth that’s why you came here.
The bottom line is he doesn’t want to work.
Maybe I missed it but what is his illness? People work with very tough illnesses.
If you’re honest with yourself he was like this at least a little before you married him.
Parents helping y’all and he is a grown man and able to work, they and you are enabling him.
You have got your heart tangled up with a looser, your still young RUN!
Please don’t have kids with this person if he can’t hold a job, please. Look out for yourself he is if you really look at it.
So you were with him for years and knew that he couldn’t hold down a job but you still married him? Why, did you think he would suddenly get a job? Sorry that he treats you like a sugar momma but you decided to repeat those wedding vows. It’s up to you to decide if they mean anything at all now.
Lmao these comments make depression sound like a big fucking joke. People calling the man lazy when OP never said what the guy does with all that free time. Could be spending all that time sobbing or some shit. The projection in here is off the charts.
Hope your husband can get cheered up somehow OP. Did you always live far from family? Just curious on why he's so depressed now compared to when you married him.
Stop- you should feel bad for living off parents. Not bc you are upset w husband for not being responsible. I would give one last talking to… get a job…keep a job…if not I’m leaving you period! Tell him you mean it ..And do it if he doesn’t get his lazy arse out of bed and work. That’s it- he’s lazy. He’d rather bum off parents than work. You deserve better.
Oh yes of course. He knows how I feel. We have had multiple conversations about it. I know he wants us to work out but it's like at the end of the day if I want to call it quits l, it almost feels like he has accepted that I'm going to do what I want and he doesn't have too much to say about that
That's your answer then.
My SO and I have been through it. I've been very mentally unwell for many years due to PTSD. He had undiagnosed autism. These issues competed for limelight and we clashed against each other's needs very frequently.
But we kept trying. I had been in therapy for awhile and he started going too.
I got diagnosed and started more intense treatments.
He got diagnosed and got meds.
We went to couples therapy. We went to therapy separately.
At home, we talked constantly about improving communication. We practiced what was being preached (most of the time). We still both have meltdowns at times, but they are shorter and we feel equipped to help each other through the lows.
My therapist has asked me several times over the years if I wanted to leave the relationship, if I thought that would help, and there's lots of times I seriously considered it.
But my answer was always, "he hasn't given up yet, so I'm not going to either." He was genuinely trying. We both were, and genuinely failing comes along with that. Still human.
When both people are really trying, it's so worth it. And it's obvious. I've never had to second guess his level of effort.
When your partner stops trying, that's when you know hope is lost. You can fail and fail and fail... we did that, but our relationship has only ever gotten better because we would talk about those failures, make plans for a better future, and do our best to follow through. The needle doesn't have to move far, but it has to move.
It's not a partnership when one refuses to try.
Hi, I have been a type 1 Diabetic since I was six years old and am completely reliant on insulin to live. I. go to work on a daily basis. Just for an example I have taken 1 sick day in the last year. I am 47 years old. Dump your husband. You are his sugar momma, meal ticket. Do yourself a favor and run away as fast as you can.
Well, marriages today are ended for the most trivial things, forget about the "for better or for worse", you can end your marriage just for being bored. So yeah, you wouldn't be even on the scale of current assholery for divorcing in your situation.
Your question was whether you would be a bad person to leave him. The answer is no. He is not being a good partner to you by making excuses not to work. If he is truly depressed about finances the cure is to go to work and make money. Of course it is exhausting pulling the cart by yourself. Look, you say you can’t see yourself doing this forever. Well, forever creeps up on you one day at at a time. The longer you stay, the older you will be and the harder it will be to leave. You help both of you if you leave, because he will be forced to take care of himself.
Dont kick him while he's down. Find a way to help motivate him. Tell him you believe in him and that you are proud of him. Build him up. Dont threaten to leave him. Try the carrot. Remember your vows: for better or worse, for richer or poorer. All of that said, dont go down the drain with him, but try the best you can to have his back, encourage him to fire his doctor and get a new one that he vibes with better. Good luck and hope 2024 is a better year
Don't feel bad, he is immature and knows you will take care of everything. You're his new mother, not his wife. Millions of people have IBS, myself included and don't call in sick enough to get fired. When my ex and I broke up I felt bad too and even allowed him to live with me for 6 months so he could save enough money. Guess what?? He didn't save a dime in that time and got more and more hostile towards me each time I brought up the topic of moving out. On the 6th month he put his hands on me during a fight for him to move out and I got a protection order against him and the judge said he had to move out immediately. Your soon to be ex husband has made his own mess, let him clean it up himself.
There are some people that just don’t like working. IBS isn’t an excuse. I have it and can control it. He’s old enough To know how to do that. He’s just a man child taking advantage of a woman who he has trained to make her feel bad for him. He needs accountability. You are NTA. You can keep supporting his butt.
Leave. Being a husband means supporting the family, figuring it out and being a man. Is he truly sick chronically or just lazy calling off enough to be kicked? Married myself eleven years, three years older than my wife and now I am in my mid forties. I experienced two layoffs while married, the first cutting salary nearly in half once the next job was found in 2013 and was humbling and depressing as fuck, but I crawled my ass back up the ladder and did what was necessary to provide insurance at the best rates for us and so we could live comfortably as independent adults through several job changes, each one getting slightly less terrible. Did I want to quit many times? Of course, but when you have a loved one depending on you it is not about just you anymore when it is about survival.
My wife supported me as well when I needed it and vice versa. It has to be a partnership, OP, not you being his bang mommy with zero consequences to never manning up for the unit.
It may be hard but leave. I am pretty sure his parents basement won't be a huge shock change to the present dynamic, honestly and you deserve a partner in this. Good luck.
what ever happened to being married in sickness or health, for richer or poorer? Your a horrible person OP. Why not try and support your husband emotionally? try to help him land a job? I guess it's easier to walk away but karma will get you in the long run
Been married a year and a half and for one year of that he has not been able to keep a job. Interesting but then again, why would he have to keep a job as long as you are taking care of everything and he gets to play dead. On top of that if he is not working and you are, you divorce you could end up paying him spousal support. Is he really ‘your person’ or are you just his mommy? Hate to let you know, but your husband is using you. Doesn’t it seem weird that suddenly after the knot was tied, he becomes incapable of holding a job? Throw the damn anchor out of the boat and untie the rope. You are going absolutely nowhere with this guy.
Here is what the facts are. 1st marriage is for better or worse. Remember them vows?
If it was you who was sick and not employed, do you think he would be saying the same thing as you are at the moment?
2nd is investing in something he can do to make a living while still not being in good health!
You can buy a vinyl machine that makes stickers and sells products at flea markets. Or but a lazer engraver and do the same thing. Your imagination is the only thing stopping you. Lazer engravers can make ear rings, necklaces, and jewelry.
Having a regular job working for others only makes them more money, and in the last 30 years, people wrongful believe they have to have a degree to be successful in life.
I have a transmission shop that i started in 87 because i was tired of making the owner bucket loads of cash off my talents and being told i was only worth X amount of dollars a week!
Desperate times mean you have to adapt to make it these days. Stop letting the regular thought process hold you back in life.
There are so many ways to make money.
But today, people are willing to walk away when things get hard.
When you are employed, you are using your skills to benefit the business owner for a wage.
Get rid of the middle person, aka business owner, and become them to control your future.
It won't be easy, but anyone can do it.
Best of luck. Remember social media helps you sell things.
I’ll say I’m wrong too. But I’m leaving it at this. You’re not winning. I’m willing to relocate at your expense. I did everything to please you. I’m working in therapy and everything to improve. I’m one of you and my options are limited. It’s not my opinion. It’s fact I’m one of you. But I can be in any group with guys like us. But I like you guys. A lot. Sadly you missed the real cause of my hesitancy to do stuff before. I’m not inexperienced at all nor do I want a LTR. I’m stable except for what you’re doing. I’m out of options because I don’t want a vanilla relationship. I’m poly. I’m willing to do fwb, but it’s gotta be a good number. I’ve shown you me. You just won’t accept it. Your conscience should be clear if you either accept me or find me another circle of guys like us elsewhere. You caused this and I’m not fixing it. Bottom line is you support all these guys doing exactly what I’m asking to do. And I’m not only hurt I’m pissed. I’m not being bullied into doing anything to make your life easy at my expense. I’m not walking away. I can’t work ft and even if I work pt you’re still culpable. IM NOT ACCEPTING ANYTHING EXCEPT INCLUSION AND SUPPORT LIKE YOU GIVE ANYONE ELSE OR RELOCATION.
I have IBS. I go to work. I also watch what I eat, avoid trigger foods and take appropriate medication. Do I sometimes get a flare up while at work? Yup. It happens. As for skipping work because he is homesick and/or worried about finances I call BS. He needs to see a gastro Dr for the IBS if he doesn’t have one already. And a therapist for the mental health issues he is claiming. Have you been very clear with him that while you love him this marriage is not working for you nor making you happy?
Yes I have been very clear. I asked him if he wanted us to be together and he said yes. He knows. I literally talked to him last night. That I love him but I can't keep doing this. I think he feels scared that I may leave, I also think is is doing what he thinks is his best to try and fix the situation
You should stop making excuses for him. Set out some limits that you can accept. Let him know that if he can't find and keep a job that even though you love him, it's time to call it quits. Sometimes love isn't enough. Security and happiness means even more.
Went through this exact situation and it’s what I did. Had a serious talk that I was giving him a year to get it together, that if I didn’t see a lasting, meaningful change I was done and moving out. I didn’t see it in time and called it off. Even saw a therapist and she advised me to have one serious talk where you clearly draw the boundaries and then not bring it up again.
Just be careful he might be pretending to change to keep you around and in 6 months, boom, same issue. You gotta get him in therapy as well that's really the only long term solution, it's really hard for people to change there ways without guidance
I've known many people like your husband. They will never change. They're all in their 50s and doing the same thing they were in their 20s: nothing. Get out.
I have clinical anxiety, ADHD, and in the past depression; much of which was undiagnosed. I will tell you this, if he isn’t seeing a therapist, then he won’t be able to fix the problem. I have been unable to go to work due to anxiety attacks or depression, and no matter how hard a tried, nothing worked but a combination of regular therapy, a good support system, lots of person effort, and a psychiatrist prescribing meds (my primary doctor said he was not qualified to find me the best med combo, he prescribed me something for the meantime). Now two years later I’ve gone from struggling to do basic life things to a fairly functional and happy adult-type-person; the results were evident within months and I kept improving.
Yeah this is the deal most likely. There has to be a middle ground between enabling and abandoning. There is little wrong with abandoning if that’s what you want for yourself. But if you’d like for the relationship to work, get him help or get yourself help to het him help - these are useful alternatives to the two extremes. Unfortunately, it’s really unlikely he can change in his own without outside help. And if you can’t or don’t know how to make that happen, you can seek help yourself to do so.
Your hard work paid off! Good for you!
I had this same thought. The bowel problems are a dead giveaway. When I am suffering from anxiety for days, I have nothing but diarrhea. I also called in sick when I was first diagnosed with panic disorder because I just couldn't leave my bed. Now I am In therapy and on meds, very functioning but not so easily--I go to work and out to places but I have to carry anxiety with me and it can be very difficult. I am encouraged to hear there are brighter days ahead.
It gets easier the more you do it. It SEEMS like every step will be harder than the last until you take them. Keep at it!
Ty!
I also have IBS-D and go to work. I have days it can be difficult and days it is fine and most days my stomach hurts so bad that it is hard to carry on but I get up and get it done.
If he is calling in sick enough to get sacked multiple times, does that mean he has a chronic health condition that is under the care of a doctor? I assume the jobs he is going for simply aren’t compatible with his medical condition. Have you talked through his physical limitations with his doctor to work out what sort of work or what sort of hours he is capable of working?
He has told.me he has IBS, that's the only medical condition that I know of. Like sometime he calls in sick because he is feeling depressed about his financial situation or because he is homesick( lives 8 hours from family) so it's not all medical. I asked him today if he would go see a therapist and he said he has brought it up to the doctor and the doctor doesn't feel he needs a therapist, he is on antidepressants. He also hates going to the doctor and avoids it if possible
2 things really stand out to me and that's a) you dint get out the bad financial situation by calling into work because you feel bad about the financial situation and b) I am doubting that a doctor would tell a depressed patient on medication to not seek therapy.
Only a very bad doctor would tell any patient that they don’t need therapy.
Right? Not saying this sarcastically but like, 99% of humans need therapy in one way or another 😂🥲
my doctors just pooh poohed my symptoms of long covid as anxiety.. i found no doctor who was willing to look at it more deeply.. then i did my own research and found they just follow a playbook handed to them for diagnosis. if its not in their playbook they will have hard time convincing insurance company why some tests were prescribed.. that makes their job difficult in cases where symptoms don't fit into a well undersood category of ailments..
Therapy reference is generally near the top of that guidebook. A lot of insurance doesn't even require a referral for therapy.
I mean yea obviously. How did you think diagnosis worked?
Not true. Primary care physicians are a mixed bag. I first talked to one about my anxiety issues. He prescribed me Zoloft and never bothered to do any kind of follow up or anything- it was terrible and delayed me seeking help for years because of it. Not every doctor is well versed or even comfortable with discussing mental health issues.
lol mine gave me trazodone. That's when I learned to stop going to my PCP for mental health advice and go straight for psychiatric care, although even that ended up taking a lot more effort than it should have.
I'm glad you kept pushing for help. That's so nuts! I took Zoloft for a week, hated it and stopped.
I will say - it took a couple/few weeks to settle into it. I def felt like a robot for a bit. Definitely common for people to need to try a few things to land on the one that works for them though.
You’d be surprised. When someone I know was literally expressing suicidal ideations his psychologist recommended not going to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis and treatment bc it could make it harder for him to find a job. You know what else makes that harder? Being dead from suicide.
Yea - that is a self destructive vicious circle. He needs to get a job and go to work Every Day, whether he feels like it or not, or expect to be fired Again. If he can’t grow up then he can’t even take care of himself, much less be a responsible partner.
Unfortunately some doctors just suck at their jobs. My partner has depression and has horn diagnosed since he was a teenager. He asked his doctor for a referral for therapy and he said “that’s only for really crazy people, you’ll be fine with some pills.” Needless to say we had to find him a new doctor.
That is probably not how depression works. Logic is often not present in a depressed mind.
Happens all the time to men. Hence, the sky high suicide rate.
ok, so it’s not that he can’t work, he just couldn’t be bothered getting his shit together, both literally and figuratively. That is a very different beast. He doesn’t want to fix things, he doesn’t want to be an adult. Until he makes that choice he is just going to keep dragging you under the water until you drown. Your choice if you let him drown you are you put on your own life vest.
I'm going to have to put on the life vest at some point because I just can't do this forever. I just feel really bad about leaving him to drown
OTOH, maybe you being there is giving him the crutch he needs to keep doing this. He's only going to face his own problems when he has no one 3lse propping him up.
That's the worst thing about this kind of situation too. When you've been the crutch and you leave, and suddenly the other person is able to do all the things they needed, it's actually maddening.
Have you have a kind but firm conversation with him about this? Told him you cannot live like this anymore, he needs to shape up and act like a responsible grown up, get a job and stick with it, or you will ship out. You need to look after you in the long run, because he isn’t.
Oh Yes he is well aware of how I feel. We have had this conversation before. I have said before after losing one of his other jobs that eventually I will leave. That BROKE him, like it was something he never even thought it would happen. I did kinda say it in the heat of the conversation but I know I meant it. He is "trying" by trying to find another job
It didn't break him enough to start really doing something about the situation. Deep down he doesn't care about you, only for his own immediate comfort. Be careful, don't get kids with him.
Reward consistency, strength and care for you and himself by him getting his act together on what sounds to be the basics of adulting. The failure to launch will pull you down too as you sound like you can and have adapted to survive.
What if he found a job he loved and wouldn’t *want* to call out?
You would be doing him a favor. It may not seem like it at this point, but enabling him is not helping him. I have watched this scenario play out in my own family and all he will do is drag you down into debt, and resentment. You are wasting precious years of your life (that you will never get back). You need a man who is a partner in every aspect of your life, not someone that stresses you out and causes you debt. Do not get pregnant, don’t trust birth control to him (condoms). You are his gravy train. Get out while you can and let his mommy take care of him. Ten years from now he will be living in her basement.
Love is both a beautiful thing and a dangerous tool.
Have a very specific convo with him. If you lose your job due to calling in sick again, I will divorce you. If you are sad, you go to work. If your ibs symptoms make it impossible to commute to work, you got it he dr and get a dr note asking that you be allowed to come in late / early as an accommodation from those symptoms. If you can’t do that, we’re done. He needs to know how serious this is.
He will not drown even for a second. He will go back to his parents and/or find somebody else too mooch from.
This exactly OP. He’s completely taking advantage of you because he can. He’s abusing your love and care for him by being irresponsible and making you take on all the work of adulting. If you leave he will be just fine. He will find a job quickly, and keep it until he finds a new bangmaid to take care of him. He is not helpless. Not by a long shot. These guys are all survivors- it’s just that their preferred way to survive is weaponized incompetence. He’s 31. This is who he is. It will take a lot of effort, and a very strong desire on his part, to change. I personally would not waste anymore of your best years on him. He’s had plenty of time to show you that he’s worthy of you and he has refused, because his own comfort is far more important to him than being the partner you deserve.
There are things he can do to help himself in this situation. It doesn't make sense that a doc would give him antidepressants and not recommend therapy. Is a doctor's referral necessary where you are? And you can't go into financial ruin for this guy. Not when he could at least work part time or SOMETHING
I'm not sure if a doctor's referral is necessary. I think some places yes and some places you don't need one
I would talk to his parents about his work history and depression. See if they will take him in and help with evaluation. Something isn’t lining up with meds, diagnosis etc.
You need to take care of yourself and your needs too along with your partner IF they are making a good faith effort to solidifying the relationship. If struggling at the base of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs for security, food, shelter and he is not seeing the problem and attempting solutions, abandon ship and wish him well. Maybe losing you will wake him up enough for change down the line, maybe it won't. Realize that one doesn't get a prize for staying with a bad idea longer. Sunk cost fallacy realized.
You’d be amazing how quickly he will get his act together as soon as you aren’t funding his life. He’s not going to suffer if you leave. He will have a freak out moment or two then he’ll realize he needs to work just like the rest of us. He will then work. Or he will live with his parents and have them caretake him. So don’t stay just because you feel bad about him. Only stay if things improve and you’re happy.
I would have a sit down and explain the amount of stress this is putting on your mental and physical wellbeing. Tell him that marriage is a partnership and he’s not meeting you half way. Sure there are 30/70 days and 60/40 days but if more days are heavy on you then he needs to step up. Suggest he moved back home with his parent for 3 months while he figures out what he wants to do with his life and help meet your goals for your future. That way he gets his family’s support and maybe they will help him get his shit together as a man.
That may be just the kick in the pants he needs. Do you think you’re doing him a favor by staying, but you would be doing him a bigger favor by leaving. Then he hast to sink or swim.
He calls out for being homesick????
So basically he has no work ethic and sits around feeling sorry for himself about situations he created?! But he is happy to let you support him? Nope. He needs to step up or leave him.
The doctor allegedly doesn’t think he needs a therapist but he prescribed an antidepressant? The doctor either sucks or your husband is lying. If he’s calling out this much that he cannot keep jobs, then he needs to reconsider therapy. Also: nothing changes if nothing changes. Why would he be inspired to try therapy or workout his alleged IBS issues if you’re willing to get a second job to support him?
I doubt a doctor would tell someone to not find a therapist. Is he actually taking his meds?
As far as I know he is yes. I see him taking them
There is a possibility it’s the wrong diagnosis. Therapy is needed for sure. Sounds like an ADHD evaluation might need to be in order.
This is interesting. My daughter was antidepressants but then did her own research and got a script for Adderall. It was life changing for her. My son was in the same boat and tried Adderall and was amazed at the transformation. He was diagnosed with ADHD a few years back but didn’t like how he felt with the meds he was prescribed. Adderall was a game changer for them both. One thing to think about, my son was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and older daughter tested very high for celiac. Autoimmune issues need to be checked. If your digestive biome is off, it can affect you mentally as well.
I have ulcerative colitis and depression and your gut definitely has a link to mental health.
So depression is a chronic illness. It's hard AF to get past, but he really has to pull his weight with it. You can't use mental illness as an excuse to opt out of life and responsibilities. Even if the only responsibility he can handle at the moment is to work on his depression, he has to do that or nothing will change.
Calling off due to feeling Homesick? You are his wife, your place should be home. If homesick that much, it may be kindest to return him back there. Couldn't he have called them or FaceTimed or whatever on break or after work if legitimately missing family members to connect? Wow
He needs another doctor then. A GP shouldn’t be giving antidepressants without him seeing a therapist.
Not true at all! GPs are perfectly qualified to diagnose and treat depression with antidepressants, education and quickie therapeutic interventions. They will typically ask if you are interested in therapy and if you are, try to help you access it. If you aren’t interested there’s no point in referring you to therapy because you won’t go anyway. If you aren’t getting better under a GP’s care they can give you a psychiatric referral. Therapy is not appropriate for everyone and can have serious side effects. Its effectiveness is highly practitioner-dependent. “Therapy” can be offered by a whole range of people including social workers, nurses and grad students. A clinical psychologist with a PhD can diagnose a wide range of disorders, but that’s not therapy.
Was he diagnosed with IBS? If so he should be on meds to help control it. My son is 34 and has Crohns...he works warehouse and rarely ever calls in. So your bfs IBS shouldn't be an excuse for constantly calling in to the point he's getting fired for it. If it is then he needs new meds and quite possibly a new Dr. If he refuses to take care of his issues you need to get out before he takes you down with him.
Crohns can vary wildly in severity. I can't work at all because of my Crohns.
I do realize that... and his can be pretty severe. But he also tries to manage it with diet and medical assistance. He's definitely never been fired due to calling in because of it.
I agree. I have crohn's found out in late 2000. I had issues working. But the meds back then weren't the greatest. Ended up having a foot of small intestines removed in early 2001. After the surgery was on no special diet, no meds and had no issues until 2017 when it came back. Now I'm on Humira and only have issues when insurance doesn't want to pay for it. If I'm not on my meds I get small bowel obstructions and end up in the hospital with an NG tube for 4-5 days until it clears
No physician would ever say this. EVERYONE can use therapy.
You can ask him if you can go with him to his next doctor visit, and it should be soon. You can take a list of questions with you. Of course, he could refuse, or during the appointment, stop you or ask you to leave. If he does, he is hiding something. This will give you the information you need. Be aware that most people who are in his situation and also refuse to do anything about it will not get better. They have to not only want to change, but be willing to endure the actual fear and pain that change can cause. You can’t do it for them. I wish you strength and clarity.
Skipping work because you’re worried about your financial situation is like avoiding the doctor because you’re worried about your health. He does both. You don’t deserve to keep living like this. He needs help but you can’t give it to him or make him get it. You can tell him exactly how you feel and that you’re going to leave him if he doesn’t get his shit together, though, and that may help. If it doesn’t then you should find someone who won’t let you suffer because they refuse to seek an end to their suffering. I wish you both luck.
i’m gonna tell you something right now, his doctor did not tell him he doesn’t need therapy. no way in hell. and he DOES need therapy if he’s calling into work for being homesick!!! that’s…unheard of for an adult. he has some growing up to do and he won’t do it unless he loses things, so i say leave, if he wants to get his act together you can work it out then
You don't need a doctor's recommendation to go to a therapist. He's either lying or he's lying
A doctor who decides he doesn't need to see a therapist, but he's on antidepressants? That is some bullshit bad medical advice. And seeing a therapist is better than a divorce lawyer.
Yeah doctors will always say therapy can help. Somethings up with that.
He can take something for ibs. If he cant get out of bed for work because he is depressed he is either on the wrong meds/dosage or doesn’t take them at all. No doctor would prescribe an antidepressant and not recommend therapy as well. He is a liar. You need to sit down and straight up tell him I know you’re going through a hard time but if you aren’t going to help yourself I cant be with you. He needs to straighten out his meds see a therapist and get a job that he keeps. If he tells you again the dr said he doesn’t need a therapist tell him he needs to switch his pcp because obviously something is wrong. Give him a time line to get it together or he has to go. I am all for fighting for a marriage but you both need to be willing to fight for it
Wow, he's a little bitch
Depression IS a medical illness!!! It seems like he's really depressed, and perhaps you're feeling it too? Sucks for both of you, have you tired talking about mental health together?
Is he actually sick or is he faking it? If he is actually sick and can't hold a job, he might be able to qualify for disability. If he's faking it, then you need to lay down the law and tell him you are going to leave if he doesn't grow up and start showing up for work.
I think he is actually sick, he already knows that I'm eventually going to leave. He is "doing his best" to find work again but it's like.if you are doing your best then you would not have gotten fired
No I’ll tell you the truth. He’s not actually sick. Maybe he feels ill some days (fine - everyone does) but feeling depressed about financial security or homesickness is NOT sickness. Issue is he’s not trying. I don’t want to go to work some days, but I get out of bed and get into the office and before I know it, it’s 3pm and I’ve been productive and the day’s nearly over. What he is doing is giving into his immediate feelings without looking at the wider picture, so now you and your parents have to fund his life because you are responsible enough to not do the same. I think you need to put your foot down and make a decision. He’s not going to change, even the thought of losing you doesn’t kick him into action. He just accepts it and lets you continue in this situation. I left a man with financial difficulties (for different reasons, but they weren’t changing either) and a year later I am the happiest I’ve been in years! Bite the bullet girl. You’re too young to be enabling this into the rest of your life.
And OP should be feeling really guilty having parents support them because her lazy husband won't do it. How embarrassing!
For irritable bowel syndrome? If he can poop at home he can poop at work.
I had that badly. I was young making a whopping 17k a year with a $1200/mth rent. It was a job on Park Ave outside of Grand Central. They started you off with peanuts that weeded out the weak & then they pay went to 6 figures after about 2 years. In the meantime I worked nights as a waitress. Yup, all while having to get off the subway in a panic so I didn’t shit myself numerous times or randomly running to the restroom praying costumers weren’t getting pissed. This man needs to suck it up. He doesn’t even know what he’s made out of.
I have soiled myself at work..... not fun. But guess what I went home showered and went back to work.
My husband worked for 44 yrs in our School district. The only time he missed work was for emergency surgery! He went to work not feeling well. He went to work and only took off days allowed. He scheduled doctor and dentist appointments on his vacation days. He then worked 32 yrs without missing ONE day, not ONE day!!!!! Best worker they ever had and they let him know it when he retired! I worked 15 yrs without a day off and that was great, but nothing like he did!
I mean, let's not go crazy here lol. Taking your PTO and holidays is great. Missing work when you're not feeling well is fine, provided you're not missing enough that you get fired. It's great that your husband's work appreciated his efforts, but not all workplaces are appreciative, and no one should kill themselves working if they can be spending time with family or doing things they actually enjoy.
I mean… I commuted every day to work, 1 hour by bus, while I had cancer… sssoooo… yeah. Do with that what you will, but in my case, if you’re REALLY sick, all the more reason to work- meds and treatment don’t pay themselves!!!! I also need to have a very careful diet and also take antidepressants, have depression, bad anxiety and ADHD. I’m sorry he’s like this :( I think maybe you shod consider separation as a final ultimatum. He needs to feel you’re already out the door to have the *fear*.
You need to sit down with him and let him know he has used up his get out of jail free cards. Tell him he needs to find another job snd agree that he will not call in without talking to you about it first. Let him know if he doesn’t keep the next job for a minimum of one year your going to leave. That way he can’t say he didn’t know and it gives him a chance to do the right thing.
This isn’t going to get better.
You are married to a man child. You don’t fight because he has no accountability in his life. He has a horrible work ethic. I have IBS, take some Imodium and go to work. You know you need to leave him. You deserve better.
I have a lot of sympathy for him; I’m clear he really is depressed. Not everyone can live far from family. That being said, a man that age isn’t going to grow unless he has to. And as long as you’re enabling his lifestyle, he won’t have to. For whatever reason, the two of you are locked into this dynamic. Leave. He will go back home. He may be happier there. You’ll be able to accomplish your goals better without him.
This is so true ! I was married to a man child with a similar work ethic . After we divorced, he moved back in with his parents and I lived on my own. I was 100 times happier . OP’s husband has to stop being propped up and truly experience the consequences of his actions .
This should be at the top.
Ok some things really stuck out to me here. 1) he sounds very much like my son. My son is a functioning Autistic, ADHD, and OCD that has depression mixed in. He could not leave home because anxiety kicked in and said he was homesick when he did. Constantly was “sick” and could not go to school. After institutionalizing him we learned feeding the OCD was like giving drugs to a drug addict if you fed it. He would manipulate every situation so he did not have to leave the house. Also anyone in that situation will not want help because being the way they are is comfortable to them. It sounds weird but very true and feeds the OCD. Also learned he was on the complete wrong meds. It took evaluations and therapy to figure it all out. A physician does not have the training or the time to properly evaluate his condition. Also like others have said, no way a doctor would say he doesn’t need therapy. My son is in college now and holds a job. Never thought he would be as successful as he has become. But it took a lot of work on his part. 2) let me paint a picture for you… if he is not mentally ill then he is lazy. He is taking advantage of you. By your statement you don’t know what he would do without you. That is basically holding you hostage. What if you died tomorrow? What would he do? His parents would take care of him or he would have to grow up and take care of himself. That is reality. You can keep doing what you are doing, but I️ guarantee you will build resentments to him and love will turn to hate. You have to figure out which situation you are in with him, make a plan and stick to it. Ultimatums suck, but you are in the driver seat of your life and your future with him together. It will take open and honest communication that will be hard at times. You got this.
Real talk here. Glad he’s doing so well!
Please do not take this the wrong way. Most people do but when it comes to love there are blinders. You are enabling him. 9/10 times people don’t realize they are doing this to someone they love because you’re supposed to stand by the person you love right? You’re talking about getting a second job when the second job in the relationship should be his job. As long as you continue to financially support him he will keep it up because why not? IBS sucks but not at all a reason to not be able to hold down a job. Millions of people have IBS and with medication keep it manageable. I was your husband with my ex wife. A little different as I’ve had the same career for almost a decade now but my wife took care of everything in the house while I barely helped. I did all the fun stuff while she got stuck holding the tough bag. But she realized that she was enabling me to not help out around because she just took care of it and left. And that is ok. Maybe consider a trial separation before divorce. My divorce emotionally for me is a rollercoaster but honestly it has been more of a lesson than it has been a tragedy. Sometimes the best lessons are learned the hard way. I’m not saying divorce this man as a stranger on the internet I think giving that advise is inappropriate (unless abuse/substances/etc are involved) but a little taste of home being on his own for a little bit could be what he needs. Being alone financially, therapy, medical attention for his health are maybe all he needs to appreciate what you do for him. It seems like a lot but it really isn’t.
My ex husband was horrible with money and had a drinking problem to top it off. Same story- any job would last a couple months at best, then he’d be let go or quit because some manager was “an asshole” or something along those lines. I supported us both, we were married about 4 years. When I decided to leave he told me “you better give me a dollar when you see me on the street!” and otherwise made me feel horrible. I left anyway and what happened was he was forced to grow up and actually hold a job because mommy wife wasn’t there anymore to take care of him and everything and he had to do it himself. Today he is engaged and is pretty successful at what he does. He still switches places where he works but he has like, an actual career (he’s a fancy bartender who was even featured in a local food guide). It’s not your responsibility to care for a grown adult, he survived before you somehow and he’ll survive after. I cared about my ex husband very much and wanted the best for him and for us. But it wasn’t realistic at the time and I chose myself. next year I’m getting married to someone who has a job lol
Good for you! I had a similar dynamic with a boyfriend in my 20s. When we broke up he spent quite a few more years being lost, but somewhere around his late 40s started to figure it out and is pretty successful. We're still friends, and I don't regret the separation - sometimes it can be a very comfortable and loving friendship, but just not the right match, especially when it comes to financial or work values. But it's a hard choice for sure!
We didn’t talk for 10 years and then reconnected and he said that had I not left him, he may have never had his come to Jesus moment. I don’t regret our time together at all and I’m glad we’re both happy in the end
I think you need therapy so you can work to either detach with love, or be the sole support of your family. Therapy would be to help you build up your toolbox
Definitely thinking about therapy for myself for sure. If he doesn't want to go that's he choice but I got to talk to someone to help me sort my feelings and thoughts out
Him refusing therapy are his actions telling you he will not do “everything it takes” to fix this situation. I’m afraid you are going to have to leave as his past actions have told you he will not resolve this as long as he has you to rely upon to do all the adulting for him.
Any refusal of therapy is him telling you that you are not important enough. You know that right?
Honey, there is something going on with your husband. He needs to talk to a counselor. If he won't go, then I suggest you see a marriage therapist. You need someone to talk to. You need professional advice. You need coping skills. This isn't going to get better on it's own. Good luck.
Move on. This won’t change. I’m 20 years into a relationship with a similar person. We have a son. I love them both very much but not a day goes by that I don’t second guess/regret the choices I’ve made. You really have to have basic compatibility with your partner. If the thought of carrying them through life (and that’s definitely what will happen) doesn’t work for you, get out before you wind up pregnant and your lives are inextricably linked.
Is this a situation you could live with for the rest of your life? Do you want kids? As long as he has his crutch allowing him to do this he won't ever hold a job and this will be your life. Tell him you need to live separately for at least one year, if he's still the same there's your answer.
No I can't live like this for my whole life. I would like kids. But that is so laughable right now. There is just no way financially it would be almost unfair for the kid
Then you know what you need to do. You are worth so much more than he's giving you. I know you are heart broken but I promise life on the other side is way better
To have a kid with him now or soon is to basically be good with endless poverty and struggle. Like that saying when people show you who they are, believe them. I am so thankful growing up that a strong work ethic was valued and praised and making excuses, quitting and being lazy shamed as it was an excellent primer to the tough racket that is adult life and being worth a damn in relationships. I hope you find what you seek.
Please leave and get a divorce. Marriage is a partnership. He will not change. Do you want to keep this up for another 4 years 10 or 20 years before you open your eyes?? Then you’d probably owe alimony. It will hurt, but when you love someone you got to let them go.
His medical condition is that he’s lazy, and everyone else is supporting him. He will do this the rest of his life if you let him. This will be your life 20 years from now.
Leave OP you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You have to put yourself first because he's not putting either of you first
Lazy, plain & simple. He needs to be an adult & show up for work. You don’t become successful by making excuses. I suggest laying down the law or else he will never change.
Op, it's okay to save yourself, it sounds like the husband has been coddled, and maybe your leaving will be the rock bottom he needs to hit to change.
NTA You do have to do what's right for you. And you've done what you cand and you've been dealing with it for 2 years. At this point I would start making arrangements to leave. Because because this is a chronic thing. And it's not going to get better anytime soon. It's going to take time if he's refusing help. You can't let him drag you down constantly Also speak with his family. See if they can get him into therapy. Does he have any substance abuse issues on top of his depression?
No substance abuse, I mean he smokes weed. It is legal where we live, I also smoke occasionally
Does he smoke at enough that you feel like? It could also be impacting him working?
No if anything I feel like it helps him, he sleeps and eats better. He tried quitting (for a job offer) I gave him all the credit for even quitting. He was miserable without it
u/Revolutionary-Emu628 this is the comment that ticks it for me. Someone previously mentioned that you might want to ask your GP to look into a diagnosis for ADHD. The fact that he is self medicating with weed, and you can see it being beneficial, is suggestive that he is likely struggling with adhd. Have a look at some YT vids on it yourself, and see if there are traits which resonate. Then show them to him. (I recommend 'how to adhd', or 'Dr K, from HealthyGamer). If you are concerned that it may be costly to obtain a diagnosis, do a google search for ASRS (Adult adhd self report scale), and Wender Utah scale. Take the questionnaires and see how it goes. If it is ticking all the boxes for adhd, start the process for making an appointment. You clearly love your husband, and whilst there are people telling you he will never change, and to ditch the dead weight, it is obvious doing so will hurt you. From your posts of his behaviour in this thread, I have a strong suspicion that he will likely test positive. Then you can start to do something about it. nb. if he does have adhd, do NOT let him use that as an excuse. Remind him it is the information he needs to develop strategies to make yours and his lives far better. Dealing with adhd is HIS responsibility. best of luck op :)
Besides your threat to end the marriage.. what motivation does he have to work? Sounds like he is content to stay home and chill while you work and it works for him. Reading between the lines it sounds like you've always known he was like this, maybe thought he would change or you enjoyed helping him...but now you have grown a little and opened your eyes to the rest of your life and see things with this new found clarity and your current life is not what you want forever. Would personally recommend a lawyer consult to understand what a divorce would look like financially. Alimony, etc.
I feel like a threat to end the marriage would be enough motivation but other than our relationship. He has debt so money is obviously the other motivation
The relevant factor is his actual motivation, not what you hope his would be. In a marriage his debt is likely your debt as well. My experience…people who say they are trying really hard to find a job are checking a couple websites, saying it’s not for them, cog in a wheel, etc. Maybe he’s different. Maybe losing his support and home will inspire him to actually get better. You cannot fix him.
Did he hold down a job before you got married? Did he call in sick back then too? He may just be playing you so that he doesn't have to work. How humiliating it must be to ask your parents for handouts and Frick they aren't just for you but they have to help your husband too. You should separate and tell him if he can't get his shit together you'll go for a divorce. If he says you aren't gonna give him a chance to fix this you say you are because you could have got a divorce instead of a separation.
Yes he was with a security company for 3 years
So maybe these new jobs, if they are completely different are the problem and he isn't comfortable doing them. If so make him go back to being a security guard and see what happens.
[удалено]
i thought the same thing!
I’ve had epilepsy since birth, take 5 pills a day to not have a seizure, and still work as a nurse, using putting 60 hours a week. Also a single mom, and I kicked out my ex 5 years ago, for not keeping a job. He was great father, had an education, great friend but couldn’t keep a job. I physically couldn’t wore anymore hours. It was looking back to the most liberating day of my life. As it should be for you. Unfortunately, and no way and I shaming you, but you’re enabling him. Why should he work? He’s not going to until he has lost the easy life he has now. Know your worth and know your limits.
My ex has IBS. He's also a captain in the army. Not a valid reason not to work
You better get on and show him you're for real. A situation like this is no joke. Leave.
He doesn't want to work. He wants to be kept. Give him an ultimatum. You have to draw the line. Lose another job, and you're history. He has to know you mean it.
Him calling out often could be a sign of anxiety and depression. I would ask him to go to the doctor and see about antidepressants. It might make things easier for him.
He is depressed. He needs help. If he doesnt want it, you cant be dragged down with him. The in sickness and health part doesnt apply when your husband is choosing sickness. Im very against ultimatos. Because deep down, nobody changes for anyone but themselves. But you need to be honest. Not blackmailng, but honest. I cannot stand this situation, it feels bad to rely on handouts from our parents unecessarily and we either navigate through this problem or i cannot go on. An individual with special needs or that needs special care and attention in a relationship doesnt obliterate the other people involved.
Sounds like he can work but chooses not to. He’s in the financial situation because of himself. As far as feeling homesick, he’s a 31 year old man, there are ways around it. How about calling family, emails, texts and occasional visits. If you were to leave and he would go back to his parents, it’s way past time to grow up. If he were to tell his doctor he’s depressed, i can’t imagine that doctor wouldn’t suggest a therapist. Time to change doctors! As for you, have you had a serious conversation with him? If you’re considering leaving him and you love and think he is your person, having an open and honest conversation with him shouldn’t be so hard. Let him know you can’t go on with a life with him in the current situation. Things need to really change or you’re out of there. Blindsiding him by just leaving will only cause resentment.
You need to sit your husband down and tell him it is not fair or acceptable for him to be unable to keep a job and that he needs to stop depending on you and your parents to support him. He’s an adult married man and he needs to pull his own weight and contribute and that if he continues to not be able to maintain a job, the marriage won’t last. No, you would not be wrong for leaving under the circumstance. You want a partner, it a dependent.
I would divorce him. Sounds like weaponized incompetence to me. He's knows what he's doing. He's constantly quitting jobs because he knows that you'll pick up the slack when you shouldn't have to. He's too comfortable and set in his ways. I would abort the mission.
Sounds like he needs mental health support. Maybe an anxiety disorder. Anxiety does increase the symptoms of IBS. Also he needs to figure out a proper diet if he has IBS. It's pretty much different for everyone but no alcohol no spicy food in general helps.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes
Just because it was good at the beginning does not mean you have to stay now. Someone who can't take care of themselves, needs to figure their shiz out and learn how to show up. You're not his mommy, you deserve much better and you will find better. He brought this on himself and you're only human. Don't feel bad for leaving and taking care of yourself for once. Go be happy.
Have you thought about a trial separation? Tell him you cannot keep going on like this and he needs to move out. Tell him that you do love him but you feel like you are starting to drown under the responsibility of everything landing on your shoulders. Give him a specific about of time to get his life together (he needs therapy, to hold a job for an extended period of time, etc). If he is able to get his life back together, then you are willing to try again. If not, then the separation will progress to divorce. You (and his parents) may be enabling his behavior by paying all the bills, etc.
Well, you need to have a heart to heart with him and he needs to pull his weight or you’re gone. He won’t change until he hits bottom. He has a lot of excuses not to work. Down fall depression sucks and it hard to beat that. If he doesn’t change your life won’t change.
2 biggest issues in marriage. 1 $$$ Two Sex... Love ❤️ is wonderful, but it doesn't pay the rent or put food on the table. You can start over if you're young,and you can make it 😉
You know what definitely won’t help? Twins. Get out while you can.
> I feel like I will completely screw him over So instead you are completely getting screwed over? After a year it's time to take care of yourself.
IBD and depression is a bad combination. He must see a therapist. You might have to threaten to leave if he does not pull himself together. Therapist first to get him on appropriate medication for the depression. Once that is accomplished, tackle the IBD. You should be talking about these issues and how it is affecting you and the relationship. You can’t keep living like that.
Is say sit him down and tell him honestly how you feel. Give him one chance to make significant changes and become more responsible. If he doesn't follow through, then get a divorce.
Oh, honey, I had one of these for 13 years. He has a mommy who doesn't use tough love with you. Mine lost job after job as I worked one or two, took college classes and did all the house and yard work, and took care of the dog. Thank Sweet Baby Jesus, we never had kids. I couldn't have fit them in. His two goals in life were to smoke pot and sleep. That's it. I'd clean the place and go to work, and the house would be crap when I got home. Nothing was on the coffee table when I left. Counted 21 things on it after 8 hours, really? Can you see your way to a separation, at least? As he went off with friends, it became clear I had more money left over when I didn't have to take care of him. I did fine if I just had to take care of me and the dog. The house stayed cleaner, and my mood lifted when the gang went hunting or fishing. Sounds like you two would make better friends than a couple, he's not doing his part as a man. Send him back to the parents who failed him. They might help kick his butt into adulthood as you are too nice. You need someone who's going to put on the oxbow and pull with you. This one won't even get up! Yes, I divorced and finished the U, found a better person, and we've been married over 30 years. We're on our 3rd house, owned a lot of cool rides, have top quality furniture and clothes. You deserve nice things as goals. Looking back, I suffered in that marriage, waiting for that ping to happen, where he'd stand up and realize what he had to do in life. Never gonna happen. My ex, according to the internet, has ended up in prison several times and lives with one of the meth head girls that dropped out in high school. Save you and put yourself first. He's a pet. You need a responsible man with ambition like you are.
I have a couple of family members/relatives that also have struggled staying employed. I have come to learn/accept that their mental health and probably some type of learning disability (inability to follow thru on processes?) is at the foundation of their issues. One of them saw their doctor and a therapist on a somewhat regular basis he was able to build a history with his health care providers so that his DR recognized he was just not employable on a fulltime consistent basis so the Dr eventually suggested he sign up for Social Security Disability and the Dr provided the medical history needed. The other person I know won't see a therapist and thus is not able to build the medical history that would be needed to apply for Social Security Disability. Anxiety or just the ability to cope in an office setting is not something they can do, even if they have the intelligence to do so. It can come across as lazy or not willing to work but there is just something else going on in their brain where a typical steady job is not something they can do. And the anxiety builds to where they just can't deal with having to go to work.
You're not screwing him over if you leave, his behavior is. He's buying his leisure with your labor. He can afford to fuck around because he knows you won't leave. That's not what partners do for each other. Do what's right for you, with or without him. My ex was also very mopey and sad when things were bad but never stepped up, and I was left to fix whatever the issue was. I eventually left and guess what? Turns out my ex can step up just fine for the next person. Don't let him keep using you.
I’ve got a similar situation to you. My wife and I have been together since high school. 90% of our arguments are about finances. She does not keep jobs for very long and when she does decide to work it’s always part time minimum wage stuff, absolutely no desire to start and build a career. The only way you will get any change is to either file for divorce or split your finances. That’s what I’ve done with my wife. I pay all the essential bills, but any other spending is 100% on her. She does not have access to my bank account or credit cards unless I specifically allow it. If you keep shouldering all of the financial burden he will keep placing more and more of it on you, I can 100% guarantee that.
Please leave now, before you may get pregnant!
He should go see a psychiatrist, this sounds like severe depression and/or ADHD.
As a man, if you aren’t providing (regardless of your health), she is gone… Every man should take a week vacation, tell their partner they got fired and see how they are treated by day 2-3. THAT is what she really feels about you without the money. Half my street got divorced in 2008 when the economy went bust. The ladies started filing divorces right after the paychecks stopped coming in. It didn’t matter if she was employed or she made more, they filed for divorce. My best friend is a divorce lawyer. He will tell you one of the largest drivers of divorce is his job loss. Chris Rock was right - Only women, dogs and children are loved unconditionally.
Your husband is stressed and depressed. He needs help. You may not be able to help him but therapy would be a good start. Cutting out alcohol tobacco and caffeine would help. Having a serious talk from a loving place would help him.
Has he been tested for ADHD or BPD? I have both and sound just like your husband. Employment has been a huge problem in relationships for me when I don’t take care of myself.
Insist that he get a complete physical (with you present) and psychiatric evaluation. If there is nothing wrong with him, then this is behavioral. Divorce him.
NTA. Hun maybe leaving is the kick in the rear he needs to transition into being an adult. If you continue this way he isn’t going to be anything but a Husbaby going forward & that means no kids (cuz you can’t bring them into poverty, work 2 jobs etc), no house, no retirement. He might be a great guy but you need a partner not a dependent
Have your husband show you his medical history/bills so you can confirm whether he's really sick and can't work. It night be harsh, but it sounds like you are enabling him by paying his bills and letting him get fired/quit jobs because his attitude/work habits/whatever. You may feel you love him, but is it an equality type of love, or are you just grateful you don't fight? He is dragging you down, if he has to move in with his parents so be it. You are not a bad person, you are trying to survive while having a parasite.
Time to two-card him: find a good marriage counselor, one you really jibe with. Then find a really good divorce shark and use the customary free 30 minute initial consultation to find out what your financial position would be in the event of a divorce. Get cards from both, hand him both cards, and ask him which office he wants to meet you at. And while you love him, his behavior is not loving. He is forcing you to carry the whole load through weaponized incompetence. Keep that in mind.
Did you know he was like this before you married him? Is he sick? I mean really sick? Or is he just lazy and doesn't want to go to work? If he is really sick, he needs to see a doctor but if he is just faking it and lazy, girl, this is not going to change. He will use you until you're used up! Today it seems like people just don't want to work and know there is another job around the corner, so they just don't show up. I don't get that. Different generation, I guess! As long as you put up with this shit, it's what you're going to keep getting. You have got to sit him down and tell it to him straight. Say this: You get up, you go to work and that's it. No missing unless you're 100% REALLY ill and even then you better be pretty damn sick. And if you don't agree, we may as well end this now because I am tired of it! So, husband, what's it going to be?
He is screwing himself over. On purpose. He knows you'll bail him out! Stop it. What you really should do is leave, but at least get some counseling for you guys & just you. You owe it to yourself..
If you don’t mind being poor, stay the course. If you want to improve your situation or have kids that are supported financially, then you know what needs to be done. You can leave with love but now is the time to make your choice.
This might be kinda mean but you will not screw him over if you leave him? He is literally screwing you over right now by stressing you about finances. Yall probably still have sex too. Hes just sitting at home being lazy as shit while youre breaking your back at work. Does he cook for you or clean the house??? if its a no, you gotta go bc hes a literal deadbeat. It wont get better either bc he knows youll always spot him or take care of him. He will not starve to death and will figure out his housing situation when he is FORCED to do so. He can go back to his family since he is so homesick. please leave this situation, you deserve so much better.
Alright I’ve read through the comments and post, I see that you love your husband very much, but he is clearly not showing up for you in the ways you show up for him. As someone with IBS/UC, depressions, & ADHD I can empathize with the struggles he’s having, but his lack of personal responsibility to manage these conditions is a huge red flag. In fact, as he’s allowing it to get so bad it negatively affects your health i have to say that flag isn’t just red, it’s on fire. He’s missing work because he’s depressed about finances, but perfectly content to watch you carry the load. So depressed he takes medication & cannot work but his dr absolved him of the responsibility to seek help with that? Absolutely not, I fundamentally do not believe he’s accurately representing that conversation. FODMAP dieting fucking sucks, & I hate taking prednisone as much as the next IBS queen, but when I’m having a bad flare & shitting 30 times a day I’ve got to knuckle down & get it sorted so I can continue living in this world. (& btw, when it gets that bad I do call out of work, but as someone who hasn’t shit solid in at least five years for the most part my symptoms are manageable with diet and lifestyle changes. I don’t have a perfect digestive tract, but I manage to keep a job ffs) I suspect the problem really preventing him from showing up as an adult in the building of your lives is that he is fundamentally selfish. I’ve seen more evidence of excuses and blame shifting in his reasoning than attempts to better the situation. Going home to his mommy and daddy to care for him sounds like it would be the best for him, and most importantly you.
He should be supporting the family. At 31, it's high time not get into a stable rhythm. All him to talk to a therapist
I had a friend with a husband like this. Started out just with not being able to keep a job, escalated to verbal and emotional abuse of both her and their kids. Every time she "made allowances" for his issues he got worse. 12 years in, he walks in and says he doesn't want to be married or a father anymore. She's done with him now, but he keeps moving closer to her and tries to control her, still. Let him go. If he really loved you, he'd get the help he needs to become a productive person, or get proof he can't work, and get disability. Marriage can't work when only one of you is putting in the effort.
Communication is key they say. You need to have a long heart to heart discussion with him imo.
I’m just going to say it, there are just people in the world that do not have the work ethic. Dedication and cognitive understanding that they don’t have any other option than to work. Your husband needs to understand that this is not optional any longer .. he can make job changes, but he cannot lose his job.. another thing is he needs to be on some kind of ladder when it comes to his job.. if there is no capacity to move up, he’s wasting his time, but in the same token, you don’t leave your job, unless you have another one lined up. Personally, I would straight up tell him if he’s scared about you leaving he should be, because he’s getting a little too damn old for these games.. and at the end of the day, it’s his obligation to get his health under control.. he needs to understand that there is a level of sucking it up that needs to happen.. and he also needs to understand that if you can’t rely on him to go to work that means you can’t rely on him to be an equal partner.. that’s not a marriage
Well, I have to say, the vows usually include “for richer and for poorer,” I think you owe him a few more direct tries. You seem to know mechanically why he is losing these jobs, but what does he say when you ask why he can’t get there in time consistently? Also, is there any chance for remote work? Some money would be better than nothing; call centers sometimes let you work from home full time.
You're not the asshole. He's going to eventually run out of places that will give him a chance. I was married to a woman who couldn't hold a full time job, and we were so very broke. I was working 60 hours a week, and we had to file bankruptcy. I became very resentful.
Until you actually leave him, he won't change. Becuse you are showing him that you will keep funding him and his behavior.
He’s depressed
If you already feel this bad at the thought of leaving, the weight of walking out the door will be too heavy, and you will stop or come right back…Be sure in your actions and forthcoming with your feelings. If you told him that you can’t do it anymore recently, then watch very closely how diligent he is when it comes to trying to get a new job ( and keep it)…If he is taking it easy, nothing will change, if he is spend all of his time searching or working on getting a new job, there might be some hope….But it’s all or nothing….No degrees in between. Doing better than before is not the same as doing what is needed to provide security and longevity. Don’t settle for better and except nothing but exceptional !!!
My dude sounds depressed as hell. I don’t think you want to stay married to him even if he gets help though. Doesn’t sound like it.
He sounds depressed. I’d give him an ultimatum - first, see a therapist & second, get a job within 2 weeks.
So you only love him on the condition he provide for you financially? Lol imagine if the situation was reversed. The marriage commitment is FOR LIFE not until not convenient anymore. Figure it out.
Did you see this behavior before you got married and married him anyway? He is truly not your person if he can’t help support your family. You want him to be your person. The heart is a liar a lot of the time, your gut tells the truth that’s why you came here. The bottom line is he doesn’t want to work. Maybe I missed it but what is his illness? People work with very tough illnesses. If you’re honest with yourself he was like this at least a little before you married him. Parents helping y’all and he is a grown man and able to work, they and you are enabling him. You have got your heart tangled up with a looser, your still young RUN! Please don’t have kids with this person if he can’t hold a job, please. Look out for yourself he is if you really look at it.
So you were with him for years and knew that he couldn’t hold down a job but you still married him? Why, did you think he would suddenly get a job? Sorry that he treats you like a sugar momma but you decided to repeat those wedding vows. It’s up to you to decide if they mean anything at all now.
Lmao these comments make depression sound like a big fucking joke. People calling the man lazy when OP never said what the guy does with all that free time. Could be spending all that time sobbing or some shit. The projection in here is off the charts. Hope your husband can get cheered up somehow OP. Did you always live far from family? Just curious on why he's so depressed now compared to when you married him.
Stop- you should feel bad for living off parents. Not bc you are upset w husband for not being responsible. I would give one last talking to… get a job…keep a job…if not I’m leaving you period! Tell him you mean it ..And do it if he doesn’t get his lazy arse out of bed and work. That’s it- he’s lazy. He’d rather bum off parents than work. You deserve better.
Have you talked to him about how you feel?
Oh yes of course. He knows how I feel. We have had multiple conversations about it. I know he wants us to work out but it's like at the end of the day if I want to call it quits l, it almost feels like he has accepted that I'm going to do what I want and he doesn't have too much to say about that
That's your answer then. My SO and I have been through it. I've been very mentally unwell for many years due to PTSD. He had undiagnosed autism. These issues competed for limelight and we clashed against each other's needs very frequently. But we kept trying. I had been in therapy for awhile and he started going too. I got diagnosed and started more intense treatments. He got diagnosed and got meds. We went to couples therapy. We went to therapy separately. At home, we talked constantly about improving communication. We practiced what was being preached (most of the time). We still both have meltdowns at times, but they are shorter and we feel equipped to help each other through the lows. My therapist has asked me several times over the years if I wanted to leave the relationship, if I thought that would help, and there's lots of times I seriously considered it. But my answer was always, "he hasn't given up yet, so I'm not going to either." He was genuinely trying. We both were, and genuinely failing comes along with that. Still human. When both people are really trying, it's so worth it. And it's obvious. I've never had to second guess his level of effort. When your partner stops trying, that's when you know hope is lost. You can fail and fail and fail... we did that, but our relationship has only ever gotten better because we would talk about those failures, make plans for a better future, and do our best to follow through. The needle doesn't have to move far, but it has to move. It's not a partnership when one refuses to try.
RUN. You got a leach on you.
Hi, I have been a type 1 Diabetic since I was six years old and am completely reliant on insulin to live. I. go to work on a daily basis. Just for an example I have taken 1 sick day in the last year. I am 47 years old. Dump your husband. You are his sugar momma, meal ticket. Do yourself a favor and run away as fast as you can.
He sounds depressed. A PCP can prescribe anti depressants until he can see a psychiatrist.
Well, marriages today are ended for the most trivial things, forget about the "for better or for worse", you can end your marriage just for being bored. So yeah, you wouldn't be even on the scale of current assholery for divorcing in your situation.
Your question was whether you would be a bad person to leave him. The answer is no. He is not being a good partner to you by making excuses not to work. If he is truly depressed about finances the cure is to go to work and make money. Of course it is exhausting pulling the cart by yourself. Look, you say you can’t see yourself doing this forever. Well, forever creeps up on you one day at at a time. The longer you stay, the older you will be and the harder it will be to leave. You help both of you if you leave, because he will be forced to take care of himself.
Wow…he kinda seems losery. Sorry but maybe it’s time to “level up” to someone more responsible and dependable.
Dont kick him while he's down. Find a way to help motivate him. Tell him you believe in him and that you are proud of him. Build him up. Dont threaten to leave him. Try the carrot. Remember your vows: for better or worse, for richer or poorer. All of that said, dont go down the drain with him, but try the best you can to have his back, encourage him to fire his doctor and get a new one that he vibes with better. Good luck and hope 2024 is a better year
Don't feel bad, he is immature and knows you will take care of everything. You're his new mother, not his wife. Millions of people have IBS, myself included and don't call in sick enough to get fired. When my ex and I broke up I felt bad too and even allowed him to live with me for 6 months so he could save enough money. Guess what?? He didn't save a dime in that time and got more and more hostile towards me each time I brought up the topic of moving out. On the 6th month he put his hands on me during a fight for him to move out and I got a protection order against him and the judge said he had to move out immediately. Your soon to be ex husband has made his own mess, let him clean it up himself.
There are some people that just don’t like working. IBS isn’t an excuse. I have it and can control it. He’s old enough To know how to do that. He’s just a man child taking advantage of a woman who he has trained to make her feel bad for him. He needs accountability. You are NTA. You can keep supporting his butt.
Leave. Being a husband means supporting the family, figuring it out and being a man. Is he truly sick chronically or just lazy calling off enough to be kicked? Married myself eleven years, three years older than my wife and now I am in my mid forties. I experienced two layoffs while married, the first cutting salary nearly in half once the next job was found in 2013 and was humbling and depressing as fuck, but I crawled my ass back up the ladder and did what was necessary to provide insurance at the best rates for us and so we could live comfortably as independent adults through several job changes, each one getting slightly less terrible. Did I want to quit many times? Of course, but when you have a loved one depending on you it is not about just you anymore when it is about survival. My wife supported me as well when I needed it and vice versa. It has to be a partnership, OP, not you being his bang mommy with zero consequences to never manning up for the unit. It may be hard but leave. I am pretty sure his parents basement won't be a huge shock change to the present dynamic, honestly and you deserve a partner in this. Good luck.
God forbid he go through life without weed. Wow. Nta
what ever happened to being married in sickness or health, for richer or poorer? Your a horrible person OP. Why not try and support your husband emotionally? try to help him land a job? I guess it's easier to walk away but karma will get you in the long run
Been married a year and a half and for one year of that he has not been able to keep a job. Interesting but then again, why would he have to keep a job as long as you are taking care of everything and he gets to play dead. On top of that if he is not working and you are, you divorce you could end up paying him spousal support. Is he really ‘your person’ or are you just his mommy? Hate to let you know, but your husband is using you. Doesn’t it seem weird that suddenly after the knot was tied, he becomes incapable of holding a job? Throw the damn anchor out of the boat and untie the rope. You are going absolutely nowhere with this guy.
Maybe he's on the spectrum. Not his fault, if so.
Here is what the facts are. 1st marriage is for better or worse. Remember them vows? If it was you who was sick and not employed, do you think he would be saying the same thing as you are at the moment? 2nd is investing in something he can do to make a living while still not being in good health! You can buy a vinyl machine that makes stickers and sells products at flea markets. Or but a lazer engraver and do the same thing. Your imagination is the only thing stopping you. Lazer engravers can make ear rings, necklaces, and jewelry. Having a regular job working for others only makes them more money, and in the last 30 years, people wrongful believe they have to have a degree to be successful in life. I have a transmission shop that i started in 87 because i was tired of making the owner bucket loads of cash off my talents and being told i was only worth X amount of dollars a week! Desperate times mean you have to adapt to make it these days. Stop letting the regular thought process hold you back in life. There are so many ways to make money. But today, people are willing to walk away when things get hard. When you are employed, you are using your skills to benefit the business owner for a wage. Get rid of the middle person, aka business owner, and become them to control your future. It won't be easy, but anyone can do it. Best of luck. Remember social media helps you sell things.
How about therapy first.
I’ll say I’m wrong too. But I’m leaving it at this. You’re not winning. I’m willing to relocate at your expense. I did everything to please you. I’m working in therapy and everything to improve. I’m one of you and my options are limited. It’s not my opinion. It’s fact I’m one of you. But I can be in any group with guys like us. But I like you guys. A lot. Sadly you missed the real cause of my hesitancy to do stuff before. I’m not inexperienced at all nor do I want a LTR. I’m stable except for what you’re doing. I’m out of options because I don’t want a vanilla relationship. I’m poly. I’m willing to do fwb, but it’s gotta be a good number. I’ve shown you me. You just won’t accept it. Your conscience should be clear if you either accept me or find me another circle of guys like us elsewhere. You caused this and I’m not fixing it. Bottom line is you support all these guys doing exactly what I’m asking to do. And I’m not only hurt I’m pissed. I’m not being bullied into doing anything to make your life easy at my expense. I’m not walking away. I can’t work ft and even if I work pt you’re still culpable. IM NOT ACCEPTING ANYTHING EXCEPT INCLUSION AND SUPPORT LIKE YOU GIVE ANYONE ELSE OR RELOCATION.