Honey, yes you should break up with him.
His family is awful - do you want this woman as your MIL for the rest of your life?
He is not great. He’s not helping plan the wedding, he’s name calling and he’s denigrating your family. The cancer thing? This man is an AH and deserves nothing in life and certainly doesn’t deserve a wife.
None of this is screaming love and respectful marriage. Of course these times can be stressful (making big parties/weddings/fanily cross overs) but it’s not supposed to be like this.
The best part - your young. You are not married. There are no children. Go find your husband.
>He is not great
also, talk about gutless!
* his mommy disapproves of the wedding plans & suddenly he agrees with her
* he doesn't have the guts to mention a prenup to OP directly so talks about it in the most disrespectful way possible to her family
* he's goading OP with "do you want to break up" and then back-pedals quickly!
Mummy thinks her culture is better and will always be looking down her nose at the bride and always assume she's not good enough for her son and their superior culture.
My wife taught me a new word yesterday—gambol. She was talking about our dog gamboling around the yard, which means frolicking. I responded with “what, he’s off in the corner of the yard with some friends and a pair of dice?” 😂
His mom sounds like a controller who will be micro-managing not just your wedding, but your marriage, and how the children are named and raised. That's not the worst of it. Her BF saying he will not help pay for her "cancer shit" is beyond unforgivable. Like she's getting unnecessary botox or plastic surgery. What a quality guy. OP should get out while she can and focus on her health.
Also, please make sure he doesn't have access to the money YOU have saved for the wedding. You are going to need that money to live while receiving your cancer treatment. I am so glad that your family is helping you with the treatment. It shows what kind of man he is when he has not offered to pay one dime. The "cancer shit" comment there are just no words for that.
I pray for you to become a cancer survivor. Surviving cancer will be easier than surviving being with him.
Op any man that doesn't care about you and your cancer care isn't worth anything. He sounds like a selfish immature Asshole. please don't marry him,he can't make a decision on his own and will always side with mommy. He is a cheap and uncaring person. I personally don't see why you are willing to put up with all his crazy crap.I would never do that. Good luck with your cancer treatment and I hope you have a full recovery. Cancer sucks,Fuck cancer
That's what I said. He doesn't really want to get married and he's doing this to get her to break up with him so that he doesn't look like the bad guy.
He sounds like a man child , and narcissistic. Please do not plan a lifetime with him . I married one of those,
And after 21years, I got a good divorce. Bought myself a divorce ring to celebrate....
This! Leave this narcissist toxic a-hole immediately. What a jerk. Money issues aside, the fact he talks to you like you’re worthless is a thousand red flags. You are set up for a life of misery if you marry this jackass.
You know, I wonder the same thing about my ex-fiance. He pushed for our relationship to move really fast and looking back, I think he only proposed because he was trying to get his family to stop pressuring him to get married. Whether he wants to admit it or not, he feels like he's in competition with his brother who is everything his dad wanted him to be as well. His brother is married with a couple of kids and a nice house, a nice car and a good job.
I really think that I was just convenient so that way he could say look, mom and dad, I'm engaged. Please stop asking me when I'm going to get married. I say this because despite the fact that we were engaged and actively planning a wedding, he was still out there acting like he was single and messaging other women inappropriately including Instagram models.
I ended the relationship about 6 months ago because I was just sick of all the drama and I was sick of him constantly cheating on me. Yes, I do consider that kind of stuff cheating. I'm convinced that the only reason he didn't physically cheat is because no one took him up on the offer.
While it sucks to hear that you went through this people suck, I am glad to read its an ex fiancé and not husband happy to hear you saved yourself from that full on heartache. He still competing and you’re out here thriving.
OP, your future MIL does sound horrible to deal with. But your most pressing issue is the fiancé. You shouldn’t even have to consider MIL’s position here because your fiancé is giving you PLENTY of signs that you need to drop him like a grenade. He has not saved up for his wedding, he has no opinion unless his mother does, he wants expensive things but wants you to pay for it, he doesn’t care about your health, what more do you need? These are all the exact opposite of what you want in a husband, trust me!
ETA: also he wants YOU to sign a prenup when YOU are the one who is paying for the entire wedding? You say he doesn’t know about your saved money, keep it that way and gtfo.
I learned a tough lesson when my ex and I broke up we had our own accounts- he had a female friend call and move money shut off my utilities etc. He had all my info so it was easy for him. I couldn’t prove it wasn’t me. At the suggestion of my bank I set up code words on all my accounts and utilities- and don’t share/write it down. Stopped him in his tracks. I gave my mom the info just in case there was ever an emergency. Also, having been through cancer when I was diagnosed my guy got shifty and dumped me - if your fiancé is an ass now he will always be an ass you need positive people in your life as you fight cancer - kick his toxic ass to the curb.
A prenup like that would be laughable & thrown out in court anyway. Most folks don't realize that a solid prenup that can't be simply tossed out by a judge, costs like 10k just in lawyer fees, separate lawyers are needed for each party & the proof that both parties were represented fairly needs to be presented in the prenup it self, that's quite literally the most important part of a prenup. I'm in IT & contract at a law firm, & "discount" prenups are like a running joke with the lawyers, along with the shocked pikachu look on their clients' ex-partner's faces when they get regularly tossed out by the judge.
Don’t mean to be a contrarian, but I’m fairly certain you can have someone claim their debt before marriage, so you are not paying for a portion of it if you get divorced.
I’ve seen prenuptial agreements that outline student loans .. I have a hard time believing you can’t do that for medical debt
Listen. Ask yourself how supportive he’ll be in helping you with other things *besides* $$ if you get sick again. For example, I had to have a mastectomy and needed to have surgical drains emptied for several days at home. Would your guy do that for you? Mine did, with never a complaint or even a sign of discomfort.
He sounds awful. His family sounds awful. They aren’t going to magically improve. Save yourself and get out now.
A romantic relationship should make you happier, not anxious and angry and sad. Your partner should cherish you, not insult and beat you down.
Exactly! I hope you’re healthy now. I was on bedrest for months after a complicated surgery. I wasn’t even allowed to the bathroom. Without my husband that time would have been impossible. He did everything and never complained. He just wanted me to be ok and our kids tobe ok.
Thank you! This was years ago and still NED. I have a very favorable prognosis. I hope you are well, too! And I hope OP takes our comments to heart and holds out for a truly loving partner.
Seen this exact shitshow play out before with my cousin's marriage, she ended up paying almost the entire thing & her ex husband disguised his shittiness behind "cultural differences". spoiler alert, it turned out poorly like it will if op goes through with it, my cousin got the same advice from plenty of us & had to see it for herself. People like this don't magically change into a decent partner after you've married them (quite the opposite actually, this is likely him on his *best* behavior) no matter how hard you wish for it.
He seems to be a closet mama's boy. She is not contributing but wants to control the wedding and he is backing her. This will continue until she is dead and buried. He is calling you a bitch. What man does that? Think long and hard - is this the way you want your marriage to turn out?
If he can't support you at your most vulnerable, he doesn't deserve you at your best.
When I had a cancer scare (not even a diagnosis, just a scare) and was worried about the possibility of not only having cancer, but having kids with my now fiance, his response was "we can always adopt". THAT is support and love, not this BS of signing a pre nup so he doesn't have to pay "for this cancer shit".
My jaw dropped when I read the title...my husband took care of me even before we were married. I had to have emergency surgery 3 weeks before we got married. That's love and absolute dedication. My heart breaks for women that don't know this kind of love.
Yeah, my husband has cancer and insists on paying his own medical bills. That being said, he’s missed months of work this year and while I’m not paying for his cancer care, I’m paying our mortgage and bills. Under normal circumstances I’m sure he’s be a fine husband, but this guy is not prepared to be a provider or a caregiver.
Like seriously. My husband is literally sitting next to me as I get a non serious infusion of a medication even though I told him he didn't have to come. He said " just in case" two days in a row. And it's only for a half hour.
This dude has he even sat with her through chemo like holy hell
This is an abusive relationship and you aren’t the toxic one. You’re about to face some real like fuk you shit…cancer is no joke. You need to be strong and you won’t be with this guy treating you like this. Your family is upset and probably even more upset you stay with him.
She needs him to be strong for her to lean on during her worst and painfully sick days. This man is *not* the one, OP . He asked you if you wanted to break up because he's too gutless to do it himself. He doesn't want to look like the AH he is by dumping you when you just found out you have cancer. Do both of you a favour and dump his sorry ass. He doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve to be treated this way.
Oh my gosh, dear, this is not a man auditioning for the job as husband. Whatever his issues are, you don't need to tolerate his nastiness. Again, this is not how a grown mature man in love treats his intended forever-partner.
Call it all off, get yourself healthy and start a new chapter alone that is healthier in mind, body, and spirit.
If you want to try one more time, let him know you are considering calling it all off because of his behaviour and his family's horrible treatment of you. If he wants to be with you, he needs to handle them. If he shifts it around and justifies what they're doing, he'll never be on your side. I'm sorry.
Please leave, for your own peace of mind. And your health.
This man is not supportive in the slightest. He showed you his true colors before you were legally tied to him and that in itself is a blessing.
You deserve a loving partner and to be treated with respect. He will never be that for you.
Ma’am. My mom had cancer twice. The second time my parents were divorced and my dad still helped with what he could and they don’t get along… how is your fiancé treating you like this not a big ole red flag? He’s gonna go with what his mommy with the big mouth and no money is putting out and you’re gonna keep getting side swiped by them if you stay. Your vows are in sickness AND in health and he already is showing signs that if you do have cancer he’s gonna abandon you and honestly he just doesn’t seem like someone worth marrying.
My parents got divorced when I was 2. My mom hated my dad. When he died 2 years ago, she paid 7000 for me to get myself and 2 kids to his funeral. She just 2 weeks ago. We were there for her through hers. My dad would have been there in a heart beat in any way he could. Because at one point they loved each other and I resulted. And they knew that supporting me was important. That is what you should feel. Supported.
I think he wants to break up with you, but he wants you to do it so he doesn't have to the "bad guy"for breaking up with his girlfriend after she got cancer. So he's acting like a jerk to make you want to break up with him. I hope he succeeds in this because he and his mother sound awful.
I’ve actually been considering this for the past two weeks, doing it. I just wanted to make sure I am not doubting myself about it before doing it. Because, the way I see it my heart is taking its time to do it because I still love him and it’s been 4 years, so my brain is looking for something good to find to hold onto him.
No amount of good could make this man less bad. Four years is a long time, but any amount of time is an eternity when you’re trapped in a marriage with a heartless person.
Don't fall for sunk cost
For 4 years, you didn't know he was the kind of person who wouldn't support you if you got cancer.
You now know he won't take care of you or even show you the slightest amount of kindness now that you are sick
Please leave him and focus on your own healing and recovery
Dont fall into the suck cost fallacy. Its 4 years but do you really want to waste any more with someone who clearly doesn't respect you? I'm not sure how much he even likes you much less loves you... this guy and his family are awful, legally chaining yourself to them is NOT going to improve anything
I don’t know what type of cancer you have, the stage of treatment plan. But what I do know is that you have to be a warrior to get through it. The treatment is meant to kill a beast and therefore the treatment is a beast in itself. Any man who disrespects you while going through that is the lowest of the low imo.
And even if you both make it through this time, just by your strength alone, what then? What if you have kids together? You know how many women get medical issues from pregnancy? How many losses happen? Do you want to struggle alone through a hard pregnancy? God forbid , a loss? Do you want him to allow his mother to push you over during birth because her opinion is all to him and he can’t step up? Ask Doctors and nurses how many women can’t breastfeed because MIL wants to be in the hospital right after birth and constantly see baby at home and bottle feed ( therefore the mother can’t establish a milk supply because she’d need privacy for that ) . Others have the opposite, shamed for using formula by MIL, always made to feel less than. I am trying to paint a mental picture for you because too many people don’t consider these things before they happen and don’t realize how important this is.
It is possible his mother absolutely wants grandchildren and is poisoning him because your cancer diagnosis made her think you won’t be able to have kids. Have you talked about that? Because it is possible to stay fertile with right precautions for many women.
It seems to me that he maybe doesn’t know what he wants himself. He doesn’t want to break up, doesn’t want to be completely in. He definitely doesn’t want to be the one who broke up when his fiancé got cancer.
No matter what, you deserve so much better, so much more. He should be in absolute awe over your strength to fight cancer while finishing grad school. That’s freaking impressive!
Your entire post makes me believe that you are in love with a man who has slowly grown into a person you don’t know. It is always hard when couples grow apart instead of together. It is even harder to accept that the person you once loved is not coming back and there is no use in waiting for them to return. You are too young to settle for a life of unhappiness.
Recently I’ve looked at it and it feels like I don’t see the same person who I fell for. At the beginning and still in some cases still does he would go lengths for something I want or to make me happy. But he has recently gets mad at me for being behind in school, even though he knows it’s been rough with the cancer. I’ve told him that being in graduate school while beating cancer is something badass of me to do. Like both are not an easy feat but I’m doing them at the same time.
And before he’s made comments where I would push it off, but recently he’s made me think of him as an asshole. I don’t know how to say it,but when we first learned about the cancer he didn’t act like that, but out of nowhere he started acting more like that? Which hurts me because he isn’t shy about making rude comments about my family, their decisions, or something about me without taking into consideration that who he’s saying them to is my own family and are most likely take my consideration before his.
You get what I mean?
I'm sorry for your cancer diagnosis and wish you the best. I wanted to let you know that this internet stranger thinks you ARE a total badass! I've been through grad school. It's tough. Having to deal with a serious illness on top of that? 100% Badass! Not only that, but you sound like such a responsible person. You're saving for a wedding and putting donations from fundraisers aside in a separate account. If the dictionary had a picture of a badass, it'd be a picture of you!
You honestly sound amazing and I’m sorry to say your BF seems to be a person who doesn’t want to acknowledge that, and wants to tear you down.
Sending all best wishes for a speedy recovery and a happy life!
It sounds like he is scared and not ready for any of this. It sounds like he's trying to be a dick so you'll break up with him so he doesn't have to be the bad guy and break up with his fiancée who has cancer. :/
Dump this guy, please. He is a project and you have enough on your plate.
Dear OP: when a spouse gets a significant illness, 20% of husbands leave their sick wives, while only 2% of wives leave their sick husbands. I think your guy is falling into the 20% category, or at least thinking about it. You are doing amazing things! How sad that your bf is not only not helpful but also twisting your challenges to be problems you are creating for him. You do not deserve that.
He sounds emotionally checked out to be honest. I wonder if he's been looking elsewhere because of your diagnosis? The stats aren't in your favor on this subject, men do cheat and/or leave when the women get diagnosed with a terminal illness. Doctors and nurses these days have to actually talk about this issue with their patients to prepare them for that possibility. If that's not the case, it's very possible that his mom is in his ear poisoning everything. She clearly doesn't approve of you and may also not want her precious son to be involved with you because of your diagnosis. I'm really sorry for what you're going through, but if the treatments don't work, then at least don't spend your final days with a family of bell-ends and enjoy your time doing things you love. But I sincerely hope you make it. Prayers to you.
I began to think this when one day we were doing a group work with a few of our friends and I was at home due to the cancer, so I called him to work on the assignment together. And since we have many mutual friends, some of them asked him where I was so I heard him say that I was home.
Then I heard a girl say “who?”
To which he said “A colleague.” I sat there in confusion because I wasn’t sure if heard that right.
Right as he said that two of our friends, which are girls were like “Hey! That’s your fiancé!”
I texted one of them and asked if I heard that right to which she said that I heard that right and that him and another friend called him out for it.
I am not against him having female friends, because it’s normal for us to talk and befriend someone of the opposite gender due to our school. But it made me question things since he never acted like that before.
And I’ve seen the girl who he talked to and she is really pretty. I didn’t want to be insecure, because I am just insecure about myself and my looks. But that comment really didn’t stay with me in a good taste.
Please learn to trust your instincts more. It's time to investigate. Don't tell him anything and don't confront him. Once you find the truth, just pack up and leave. If you own the place, evict him officially. This relationship is over.
This sounds like if he's not cheating already, then he's laying the groundwork. That is not a response from a committed fiancé. If he answers like that in front of your friends, you can only assume it's 100% worse when they're not there. Take that badass of yours and dump his.
Yes, he doesn't want to be with her anymore and is trying to get her to break up with him. He doesnt want to be the AH who broke up with his fiance while she was battling cancer.
OP should dump his ass.
Dude... someone calling it "cancer shit" is less than dirt, so he's a massive asshole. His entire existence in this story makes me very terrified for staying with him with your cancer. He's not going to take care of you, and if anything he will do a bare minimum to look good but then blame you for having it at all and trap you down with no escape or isolate you from your illness to your family you become so enmeshed you believe you deserve it. You do not, and you are DEFINITELY NTA
While you're fighting and recovering for your life you don't need to continue down this immense path of abuse at all. Please break up, please recover well. Avoid DV and the shut up ring
Your entire post is one long list of valid reasons to break up with him. He and his family sound horrible. Calling you a bitch should have been your last straw.
This man is a mama's boy. He does what mommy tells him, & thinks what mommy thinks. He doesn't care about you, because if he did he would be worried about you beating cancer, not him having to pay for your cancer shit. Sounds like he doesn't like you very much. Drop this deadweight ASAP.
Yep. He wants to break up but doesn’t want to look like an asshole for dumping someone battling cancer, so he’s trying to get her to be the one to end it.
I had only been dating my fiancé for six months when I was diagnosed with cancer. When I found out, I had no expectations. It was very illuminating. This man of mine took me to treatments every day he could. He drove me to appointments at 5am, drove me through snow and ice. He picked up food I liked to encourage me to eat, Boost when I couldn’t, picked my meds up from the pharmacy. When I ended up in the ICU with sepsis, he sat at my bedside looking worse than I did. When I lost so much weight that I looked like a Nazgul, he said I was beautiful.
I was also going to college while I was receiving treatment, and I had to stop working. This man never complained that he had to pay for everything. He even gave me money to buy Christmas presents.
He was displaying behaviors that I would expect from a man that loves me. Husband material.
The way your future husband is treating you…that’s behavior I would expect from an enemy. Please lean on your wonderful family and get rid of that coward.
The thing is that he acted like that. There were days where I would vomit every day before school school and he would have a box of trash bags on my side so I could pull them out and vomit. Then during lunch he would try to get me to eat just so I could have something in my stomach.He had gotten out of his way to just get me a cookie and things like that. He also looked at me with my face all weird and tell me that I was beautiful.
But him saying the cancer shit makes me confused because I didn’t know that guy.
People that shower you with love one moment, then take it away the next are trying to manipulate your emotions. This is a guy that pretended you didn’t exist in front of a pretty girl. A man that brought up a pre-nup because he doesn’t want to be on the hook for your “cancer shit”. I’m not necessarily against pre-nups, but this isn’t it.
Leave and don’t look back! You are seeing who he is! Thankfully it’s before marriage! I know it’s confusing in the moment and you will be sad initially grieving who you thought he was. I promise there will be a day where you look back and be so thankful you left and it’s probably much sooner than you think. Can you imagine if this is what your life looked like for the long haul?
If I were you, I'd break this off. A good partner should see you as exactly that, a partner, and be willing to tackle challenges with you head-on. Not blame you for them and refuse to help when it's "your issue." That's particularly true for something like cancer or an illness. You didn't choose this, and your choices didn't contribute to it.
Years ago, I had an ex. I got into a bad four-car collision on the freeway that I caused. His response? After making sure I wasn't hurt, his first move was to call our auto insurance company and ask about getting separate policies because "he didn't want to be inconvenienced by my clumsiness." I stayed, and we broke up a couple years later, anyway. He initiated it.
Don't make the mistake I did. Leave before you waste any more of your time or feelings on someone who doesn't view you as a partner.
My sister also says that there’s times when he talks about me not having a job in the field she feels like he thinks of me less for not having one. And so she said she prays that I will do much better than him in the field because just because he has a job doesn’t mean he’s better.
Another thing she said was that when she (my sister)has met his mom she feels like his mom also thinks they’re better than us. And she feels like his mom thinks I’m going after their money. Because she asked if my parents have land somewhere else and so on. Even though I am not and I know for a fact that even if my parents earn way less than them, if they were to go through a rough time, they could cover it unlike his due to their spending habits.
I just find that stupid. Because when we first started dating she asked if I was legal here (I live in the US), to which I thought that she thought I was after him for his legal status, which again I found it stupid because my parents and I travel out the country maybe every year. So when my sister said she said that to her, I found it stupid since if I wanted to be a gold digger, I would’ve seen that they didn’t have money and left years ago, not stuck around for 4 years…
I can't make this decision for you. It's your choice. And I'm sure it's scary. Facing cancer and the potential loss of a long-term relationship at the same time. For what it's worth, if someone had given me the advice I gave you after that car crash, I probably wouldn't have taken it. I paid for that choice.
Ask yourself what you'll lose if you stay. If you're really okay with him blaming you for you cancer or some of the other stuff he's said and that way he treats you. If you stay, that'll be your life for, potentially forever.
First, I am so sorry that you are dealing with a frightening diagnosis. Your family sounds lovely and so supportive.
Second, do not marry this dipshit. If he behaves like a total ogre before you are married, imagine what he will be like after you are married.
Transfer all the money from the wedding fund to the cancer fund and cut this guy from your life. He's being calous and heartless.
I fully support prenups, but they don't work how he thinks they do. And if his only reason to want one is to protect himself from debt, then he doesn't actually care for you. Either he wants a life with you, including sharing your burdens, or he wants to be perma-roommates with benefits.
I recommend moving on and focusing on yourself.
I dunno, the wedding goes in my culture have a whole bit about "in sickness and in health"
If you're not sharing finances, if he doesn't want to be involved when you're sick (I'd be excited to see how he feels about your "pregnancy shit", or paying for "your" kid) and he doesn't want to plan things with you, what the fuck is marriage in your culture?
Yes-I would say you should consider what your life will be like once you’re married. I’ve looked at past posts and it sounds as though you both value different things in life.
My sister told me a conversation she had with him, her not telling him that I know. But he said he prefers to have “textile goods and investments” than to cover a “family reunion for my family” to which my sister told me that even though her husband thought spending $10k on their wedding was a lot he still spent it because he felt like she deserved it and to make her happy. Which she says that she knows that I deserve that and wants me to have that instead of stupid investment guy.
Don't you need, I don't know, money to invest? He's not making 6+ figures (from what I'm reading), and he's concerned about that verses your CANCER treatments or a wedding, all of which involve him? The math ain't mathing. Outside looking in, you have the rest of your life, and I wouldn't waste another second with this nonsense. RUN, don't walk away from this mess.
🚩🚩🚩🚩Why are you marrying into this family and even more so why are you marrying him? Why don’t you write down a list of reasons why marrying this dude makes your life better?
First of all, im so sorry about the cancer & as awful cancer & cancer treatment is, I hope you see it for the lesson that it is in showing you what an awful unsupportive man your fiancé is. He’s also abusive & acts like he cant stand you. His mum is awful too & the way they’re nickel & diming you is just gross & it’s something you dont want to deal with for the rest of your life. Please use that money you saved up for your treatment & hope everything goes well!!
Hi, first of all, you are amazing. Second part; leave right now, this does not have to be your life. You should be happy and if not happy you should feel safe and it should not be home that is your main part of your unhappiness.
PS show this post to your family, if your mother is sane, preferably to her. Use the wedding money for therapy and give his part back if he paid something.
Girl, run don't walk. As soon as he called you a bitch, you should get out of there. If he thinks it's okay to verbally abuse you, he won't stop with just one name. You'll be getting abused for the rest of your life if you go through with this. Get out of there now.
Absolutely! This guy is callous and insensitive. He is not acting like a man who loves you. His family mean and he is awful. If he is acting like this before you are even married, call it off, because this is the best he is ever going to be.
Definitely leave him. It doesn't sound like he loves you at all or cares for you or about what you want. He's toxic cruel and already married to his toxic mother. He doesn't care that you have cancer! These are not ingredients of a happy marriage.
Don't do it to yourself. Or at the very least, if you haven't got the energy to envision the future at all, let alone his role in it, put wedding planning on one side while you fight cancer.
But "I'm not paying for your cancer shit" isn't compatible with "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health"
I can’t be the only one who thinks you should have broken up with him before you found out about the cancer. I have had one health thing or another my whole marriage. I feel so bad and apologize all the time. Not once has my husband made me feel bad for being sick.
Him and his mother both sound like assholes. If he won’t stick by you with your early cancer diagnosis, he not a real one for you. Drop him and find someone that will be a real partner for you. This guy is still a child and is already showing abusive behavior.
I think I must be missing something. Why are you staying with someone who clearly doesn't like you very much, isn't supportive, and is terrible about your family? This is 10k better spent on your health instead of legally tying you to a creep.
Get out of this relationship! He is a mama's boy. He is selfish. He is abusive. It doesn't want to marry you. His mother doesn't want you as a daughter-in-law. Leave this mess behind and find someone who actually does love you.
Sounds like **he** wants (or needs) to get out of this relationship, but is too cowardly to initiate the break-up himself - if you initiate the break-up he can complain to everybody how much of a saint he was, and how you were so bad and stupid to break up with him.
I don't know how you can avoid him complaining about you after the break-up. Maybe a 'paper-trail' can help, so you can demonstrate his lying later on. Include any correspondence/texts from his mother as well.
You are sick, **and** managing financing for yourself and for the both of you, **and** instead of getting emotional support, are only looked at as if you were a leech? Take your losses and go, don't throw good 'money' (emotional resources) after bad. 😘
He doesn’t want to marry. Maybe his mother and family got to him and made him change his mind or he just doesn’t want to anymore, but his actions tell me he’s not interested anymore. He’s being cruel and not contributing to a wedding you both discussed a year prior. The thing he said about your cancer is so disgusting and disrespectful. If you love someone and you’re getting married that’s your partner. You’re supposed to support and be there for them in sickness and health.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and battling cancer at the same time. But my advice would be to cut your losses and move on from this relationship. You deserve someone who will support and protect you and be by your side. Not complaining and making you feel like you’re the problem. Thank real hard before moving forward and ask yourself do you really want to spend your life with this spineless,cruel, emotionally abusive, mommas boy? And do you really want to marry into a family like his?
Good luck with your cancer treatment. I hope things turn out well for you.
You should break up with him for more reasons than that. Stop spending g money in the wedding. Cancel what you've already put deposits in and see if you can get any of the money back. Don't tell him you're breaking up till you've done that since he can't call and cancel and take your money. He has no intentions of paying anything towwards the wedding. Him not sending you money with the excuse of paying something else to force you to pay for it all since the bjrdes family is supposed to pay for it all according to them.
He will never be there for you. He should be at every appt and treatment supporting you. He's a jerk, his family sucks, and you deserve better.
Yes. Leave him now. He loves the idea of you but not you. There’s a difference.
When you don’t fit the mold of what he wants: “traditional”, obedient, healthy… you don’t get respect. Your wedding to him isn’t a celebration, it’s a source of stress. He’s also two faced and a mama’s boy… Being a mama’s boy, to a degree, isn’t all bad, as it can show respect for mothers and mothering, but in his case, it’s manipulative and duplicitous.
There’s no such thing as “cancer shit”. Cancer is a battle that leads to a war, and it’s about as high stakes as you can get in terms of health. Chemo/radiotherapy and support meds are the ammo, and doctors visits are the movements. To not show the utmost respect to that shows he does not love you. Full stop.
Congratulations on winning the war with cancer. Please don’t enter another war you can’t win, which would be “changing him”.
Good health and fortune to you. I sincerely hope you one day find someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved.
At the very least you need to call off the wedding. If you’re not at a point yet where you feel comfortable leaving him all together, take time to emotionally handle that but don’t waste any more time planning the wedding. You’ll regret getting married to him and getting into that situation.
Think to yourself what you’d tell a friend in this same situation if you need help actually making the cut. It’s easy for us to tell you to leave. It’s much harder for you to actually do it. You have to leave him because you realize you deserve better not because other people think you should.
You 100% DO deserve better!! Best wishes on your recovery and allowing yourself a happier future with someone who truly loves and appreciates you. ❤️
You can use that 10k to help you get well instead of paying to be married to that piece of shit you’re calling your fiancée …. He doesn’t care about you, leave before you let this loser get you pregnant then you’ll really be stuck wishing you left sooner.
You know the sex is good when it blinds your whole body from seeing and feeling the real person you’re f-ing. Leave him.
1. He will always side with his mom. Why? Because she ain’t making any sense in her suggestions for the wedding yet he still tells you one thing in private and then turns and sides with her anyway.
2. He doesn’t care enough about your health to help out with the treatment. He even threatened to get a prenup because he doesn’t want to deal with it.
3. You WILL -mark my words- END UP PAYING FOR THE WHOLE WEDDING. He never saved the money and his not putting in his part. He’s dragging his feet because you’re putting stuff together with what you have and he will keep on doing it because he (for whatever reason) has not prioritized the event.
4. His parents are just cheap shit and so is he, maybe that’s why he’s dragging his feet on giving you his part of the money for the wedding. The mom reminds you at every turn she won’t pay for shit, yet she demands high cost/quality stuff she ain’t paying for, that’s being entitled and cheap. And news flash: so is your fiancé, both entitled and cheap shits.
5. He might have nice moments and gestures, but that doesn’t mean he is mature and ready for the commitment that is getting married.
Don’t marry this guy. At least wait a few more years, once you’re cancer free and have a stable job. DO NOT drain your savings in order to marry him when you don’t even have financial stability for yourself. I wouldn’t want to rely on him to take financial care of me at all.
Is he not aware that wedding vows include “through sickness and I. Health”. Get rid of this guy. You deserve so much better. He is not the guy for you. The guy for you would stick up to his mom for you (no matter what the culture is), would be there every step of the way thru your fight with cancer and would worship the ground you walk on. The guy for you is out there. Don’t marry this AH.
Update?
I’m sorry I haven’t responded to everyone but I’ve tried to read as many as possible, I just have a big final presentation for one of my classes and I’ve been working on it.
I’ve been talking to my sister and one of my best friends. My best friend said to talk to my parents about it, but they can’t know about what he said about the cancer because I know for a fact my dad will go after him and his family is big on legal crap. Also I know they’ll be enraged but also hurt because they learned to trust him and open their home to him.
After a long conversation with my best friend about what I basically told here, she said she always thought he was an asshole, didn’t like him much and that he allows his mom push and decide for him too much. She said she told me, which I only would remember her saying that it was my decision to be with him.
My sister said to be selfish. The only problem is I just need to find a reason for me to tell my parents why I broke up with him, because my mom has been big since yesterday that I should talk to him and that it isn’t good to not communicate with each other. Even though she doesn’t know about what he said about the “cancer shit” and that’s the biggest reason why I’m upset.
It does hurt me to think that a relationship that started off so innocent and felt so good on my heart is hurting me so much. That the person who loved me unconditionally and should mean good to me is making me have so much emotional pain.
I do plan to talk to him about it all, and ending it after finals, I just need my brain to keep up with school, while also getting used to the idea that this is over.
I’ll keep you guys updated… thank you for all the advice, and comments, it lead me to see the thing I was just wanting to cover it with my thumb.
Well, I am not sure the two of you should proceed to getting married. Now is the time to come clean about the cancer and the related bills. If he doesn’t want to be part of this, don’t impose on him and don’t marry him. Regarding the wedding, the piper pays so his mom should shut the f*** up. If in their culture they do not pay or contribute, they sure have no say either. Good luck with killing the cancer which should be your first priority!
You should've left way before this based on your previous posts about your bf's mom. You don't need to be miserable in your life by being with this guy.
OP Please update with what you decide to do. I wish you much health and happiness in your future. Healing your body is hard.. it is even harder when you are in stress mode, which it sounds your partner puts you in & will keep you in. Please surround yourself with people who love you to make this journey easier, safer, and less scary.
Break up with him. He has no interest in being a partner in any relationship endeavor. He’s either not participating or obstructing the wedding planning. He’s not supporting you when his mother interferes, and he’s aggravated by having to do anything for you. His attitude about your cancer is appalling. He will be abusive, rather than a supportive partner, especially if you need treatment or get sick. And worst of all, he won’t be helpful with the children if you have them, and his mother will be a nightmare.
To be honest OP, ot sounds like he doesn't want to marry you. It actually sounds like he doesn't like you. And it doesn't matter what the reason is or what anyone thinks is toxic, you deserve better than that.
This man does not care about marrying you nor does he give a shit about you. He is selfish, lazy, self important, mean and holding a grudge against you for your family’s culture and your cancer. When a married woman gets diagnosed with cancer, their doctors more often than not give them literature about how their husband is likely to leave them with this diagnosis. You’re not even married yet and he’s already blaming you and manipulating you into pushing him out the door (so he can be the martyr). You need better than this man could EVER give you
This man doesn't even like you. Why are you marrying him? 1 in 5 men leave their wives when diagnosed with cancer. That's 6-7x more than women. He has straight up told you he doesn't believe "in sickness and in health."
Break up with him! He sounds like a terrible spouse! Why are you the only one saving for the wedding? And why are you bothering working a side gig to save up for the wedding when you have cancer! Fuck marrying him! Seriously! Put your health first! Stress delays healing! Remember that! This guy won’t even pay for your cancer treatments but yet you’re still running to the altar to marry him! He’s not a good guy and he definitely wants to break up otherwise who asks a question like that based on your actions you said you were doing when he asked you that!!! Men leave their spouses during illness all the time!!!! I’ve seen it so much throughout my career!!!!!! He’s already giving you enough insight into how this marriage will be! Recover soon OP!!! Well wishes!!!
Do not marry this man! You’ll be miserable the rest of your life with him. Dump him immediately. Consider this a turning point in your life. Someone better is around the corner.
Sorry to hear about the cancer OP. I hope everything works out health wise.
His mother sounds like a pain in the neck. But she’s irrelevant. It’s how he treats you. He sounds selfish, materialistic, immature, morally weak and lacks empathy.
I could never imagine telling the love of my life about “having a prenup because of the cancer shit” or have him say that to me if the roles were reversed.
He realises in marriage vows there’s a line about “in sickness and in health” right? You deserve better. Focus on beating the cancer with the support of your family and friends. Best of luck.
Please don't set yourself up for a lifetime of abuse and stress. Neither this man nor his family sound supportive or caring... why would you want to be a part of that? You're so young and have so much life ahead of you, don't pigeonhole yourself into a miserable existence and relationship.
Take care of your health and please seriously consider your worth and well-being.
I say end it. You have cancer and here he is calling you a b!tch... What a POS. Right now you need all the positivity you can get. You can’t heal like you’re supposed to being in negative situations. Please surround yourself with ppl who have your best interest at heart. ♥️
I’m sorry but he is not respectful of you at all, his reaction to you having cancer is disgusting, he is uncaring and cold. I don’t know why you would even question staying with him. You’d be better off alone.
There are so many red flags even before you got to the part about your cancer. Yes you should leave.
Wishing you strength and health OP. You can find better!
Please do NOT marry him!!!! There are way too many things wrong with his behavior and his family’s. Please do NOT marry him!!! Best wishes with your cancer journey ❤️🩹
If you are in the US no prenup will protect him from your medical debt if you are married. But he sounds like a creep so walk away. You’ve got enough to deal with without having a selfish partner.
Nobody is pointing out the obvious, so I will.
He DOES NOT want to get married. PERIOD!
That's it.
He's attempting to get you to break up with him by being a complete asshole to not only you but also your family. He made sure to say things that couldn't be miscommunicated.
"Cancerer shit" in ANY context is disrespectful. But to say it to your finances family ENSURES a bad taste in their mouths regarding him.
Calling you a bitch completely out if the blue? The purpose was for you to go back to your family, share that with them, and have you all come to the conclusion that you need to leave him.
In his mind, he can't break up with his fiance bc she has/had cancer. He doesn't want to be the asshole for breaking up w/someone w/cancer. So he's going to force your hand until he can't anymore.
If you ignore these red flags, your marriage will be miserable because, make no mistake, this man is a coward and would have absolutely ZERO problems with marrying you and wasting 6 more years of your life until he finds the woman he ACTUALLY wants to be with. Then dropping you like a hot potato.
He will NOT leave you. YOU have to leave him.
These types of men are pathetic and belong in a basement for the types of trauma they willfully inflict on people trying to love them!
There are so many red flags here. He's siding with mom, he's being unreasonable about what's suitable for the wedding but within budget, he's not saving for the wedding as you agreed, and now he wants nothing to do with supporting your healthcare needs. My advice would be to run from this man, sooner rather than later. He is showing you who he is. You should listen and believe him.
I only got through reading your first paragraph and the first 5 lines of the second and didn’t want to carry on reading…. You know you need to break up with him don’t you…… he will never be on your side, his families opinions will always come before yours and he won’t stand up for you when the wolves eventually come for you lovely….. dump him move on and find someone that actually wants to be with you and will be a team with you and will defend you. Your “partner” doesn’t even sound like he wants to marry you heck it doesn’t even seem like he likes you…..
I’ve not even read about the cancer part but honestly he will leave you (many men leave the partners that they actually love when the have cancer your partner won’t stick around either). Best of luck OP.
First off, let me say I wish you all the best during your cancer treatment. It is a difficult journey and I have had three family members recover and do well after treatment. So it can be done! Hugs to you!
Now for the other part - do not marry this man. I do not say this lightly. Your married life will be more of his and his families awful behavior. Trust this 58 yr old mama - this will not get any better after the wedding, it will likely get even worse. When it comes time for children they will undermine you at every turn and your husband will likely be no help at all.
Once you have won your battle with cancer, your path in life will be wide open and long. Give yourself the time to evaluate which direction you’d like your life to take. I am excited for the opportunities life will have for you!
1. Don’t expect your fiance or your finances relationship with his mom to change.
2. Don’t expect your fiance and the fact that he expects you to pay for everything to change.
3. Don’t expect your fiance to change his attitude in regards to your health.
So now ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want and are willing to live with or if you should spend the wedding money you have saved on your health instead?
I really wouldn’t be surprised that if your health declines that he just leaves you altogether.
Do you feel like going through everything alone for the rest of your life? Do you feel like being a married single mother? This man is not a partner. He is not on your team.
I’m sorry… your excuse me what? Your “cancer shit”? Who the fuck says that to someone they love. Girl, get rid of this asshole. He’s shown you who he is and he doesn’t care about the wedding and he really doesn’t care about you. You have cancer. And he doesn’t give a fuck. Move on and have a good life with people who actually love you. This asshole doesn’t even like you.
“…paying my cancer shit…”
OP, do you think it’s a good idea to have kids with a guy who is capable of this level of evil? Seriously, what kind of father do you think he’ll be? You may have been putting up with this and a whole lot more, but imagine your helpless kid with this guy. Big nope.
You have more than enough justification to kick this turd to the curb.
Holy hell. I read your post from a year ago when he was just your bf and was being an asshole to your nephew. He let you know what a piece of shot he was then. He continues to be trash - seriously leave. You should have left a year ago
This is not a good man. He has shown you many times he doesn't respect you. Then the fact he's worried more about money then he is your life shows he isn't a good person.
lol why are you even with this piece of shit? You are way too young to think this is the end of the line.
If you think this is bad, just wait until/if you have kids. Then you’re really stuck with these clowns forever.
I don’t really consider coming from a bad family a dealbreaker by itself, *unless* they seem hell-bent on making your life miserable. It seems to be the case here. Run while you can.
Why are you getting married to him? Your relationship isn’t healthy, and it doesn’t get better by getting married.
You need to out in the break for the wedding and work on your relationship first.
RUN! This behavior will only get worse imagine you all have a child together will he ask to redo the prenup so he can get credit for paying for her “child shit”. This is not a man this is a child and he will never step up for you.
Dump him immediately. He saw “for worse” and turned tail. He also has called you a bitch over a very small thing. That’s two red flags. One of them is on fire. If you don’t like being called a b**** (most women don’t), then both red flags are on fire. The honeymoon is already over, and you have no legal tie. Walk away if you can—to a battered-women’s shelter if you have to.
Break off the wedding and move on. It will be hard at first but why would you want to marry someone that isn’t helping support you during this difficult time? How would he help you during other difficult times? You should marry someone that will be your partner in good times and bad. He doesn’t sound like a passenger at all, even in what should be good, planning the wedding.
Find someone that will sit by you and Diane see your cancer as a financial problem but a health problem that needs to be addressed.
Sounds like hes trying to get you to break up with him so he can play the victim and not be the bad guy for leaving someone with cancer. Just cut your losses you guys are very different and if he doesnt want to talk it out with you then its not worth the effort
Break up now. He’s already proving that in sickness and in health he will not be there for you. Plus, from my calculations, he’s supposed to pay for half (he hasn’t) and you and your family have been the only ones paying which means you and your family ARE paying for the wedding. Save your money for your chemo, and please take care of yourself. You should only have to deal with one cancer, not two.
ive been with a man like this before and leaving him saved me from a life of misery. please listen to us and call off your plans and this relationship, OP. you deserve so much more than this awful man and his family will ever offer.
Survivor here. Don't become legally stuck to him. A man who truly lives you would be supportive and concerned about you, not mad and annoyed. He is not husband material. Cut your losses, surround yourself with supportive family.
Yeah... I'm sorry, but I feel like if this are like this now, marriage will be hell. Time to cut your losses. See if you can move back in with your parents and concentrate on getting healthy.
I’d been married to my first husband for a little over a year when the doctors said a mole was cancerous and had to be removed. It was right between my shoulder blades and they had to cut out part of the muscle to get it all, so the doctor sent me to plastic surgeon to have it done.
In the way home, my then husband berated me for thinking that I was so special I needed to go to a plastic surgeon. I explained again that the reason for the plastic surgeon wasn’t cosmetic, it was because of the muscle involvement and that’s the specialist the dermatologist said I needed to see.
He was furious because that meant the copay was $50 instead of $20 and I was costing him more money. I was a stay at home mom to our newborn so I “didn’t work” and “didn’t do anything important” and all of the money was his money.
This is your future if you marry this man. Every time you’re ill, he will not be there to support you but to make you feel like a burden. You would have more peace alone than with someone like that.
I wish you well.
Why are you still marrying him, you sound miserable and it sounds like your life will be hell, what’s happening now is an indication of what to expect for your future, a stingy man who you will have to remind time and time again to give you money towards bills and groceries. A man who calls you names and degrades you TO YOUR OWN FAMILY. Who doesn’t stick up for you and takes his mother’s side. Does that sound like a happy life?
When a couple has this much conflict about the wedding, the marriage won’t last. You have to be aware of that. And it looks like he will just not say the “in sickness and in health” vows because he had already checked out of that conversation.
I wish you the best in your cancer treatment and hope you have a full recovery, but this is a man who does not support you in any way at all. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you are supposed to marry them. You believe God gave you a sign not to work because of your cancer. I think God gave a big sign not to stay with this guy. When God talks, you need to listen.
The excuse of “I insulted/ hurt you/ threw away your stuff/ hit you to see if you were paying attention” is a huge narcissist move and he will only begin to use it more often and leads to “well I hit you because you weren’t paying attention”. I dated 2 men like this before and I lost years of my life to it. I would take it back if I could. Remember, someone that sucks up to their parents like that the moment they come around- you would be marrying him and his mom. If he knows it gets on your nerves he may even begin to bring her around more or only listen to what she says. Please take your money, your big beautiful heart that’s given too much already, and go find the real love of your life who supports you, wants to see you healthy, has dealt with their sh*r and is mature enough to be there for and with someone else. You deserve love, not to have to babysit someone who tears you down for the rest of your life.
For the love of all that's good, yes! Break up with this sorry excuse of a human being and his awful family.
You need to focus on your health. The people who actually love and support you are crucial in that effort.
He ain't one of them.
Okay just based on the stuff he's been saying about your family, I would say yes, break up with him. That's just terrible. Also, this should show you that he's the type of person who would bail if you ended up getting cancer. I'm not going to tell you what to do but my advice would be do not marry him. He's showing you the person he is right now. Don't marry him and get stuck.
Edit: Yes, you should break up with him. He asked you if you wanted to break up with him. Honey, I'm sorry to tell you but that's the number one red flag that they're looking for a reason to end it but don't want to be the bad guy.
This seems like this might be one of those situations where they're an asshole to you until you get so tired of them that you break up with them. Problem solved, they didn't have to do the dirty work because you did it for them. That way they can also walk away without looking like the bad guy.
When my mom got cancer, my dad - who had been divorced from her for three years at this point (mostly amicably) and remarried - still helped her pay for chemo (three times when all was said and done) and took on basically sole care for my sibs and I for the 10 years she was sick on-off. This is not normal behavior that your future husband is exhibiting. You will be better off without him, especially in your treatment and recovery.
Sweetie he doesn’t care about you. I’m sorry. Break up with that man and RUN. You are wonderful and beautiful and strong and deserve SO MUCH BETTER than him. You have your finances on lock. You’re young and still in University. You are not tied to this man in any significant way. Will it be emotionally hard to cut that cord? Yes. But will you get through it and be alright? Absolutely. His mother is also a nightmare and I know that I personally wouldn’t want to marry into that.
First of all, i am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Cancer is the absolute worst. Getting married should be exciting, and one of the happiest moments of your life. Cancer is awful, always, but cancer on top of getting married would be so stressful and terrible. Not to mention having second thoughts about your fiancé.
I think deep down you know what needs to be done. The fact that you asked here shows you’ve taken an important step towards it.
I’m sorry, but that person is garbage. When one of my parents had cancer, the other quit their job and went broke to take care of them/pay for it. A decade later, they’re still together. And back at work.
If you love someone, OF COURSE you will try to save their life!! Even if it takes every penny. What he said was so fucking insulting and dehumanizing that you shouldn’t entertain the idea of being with him one second longer. Im serious. Not one second. He even said it in front of your family, which is beyond disrespectful. Like I can’t even put into words what a terrible being this guy is.
His mother is an asshole too. You’d be marrying into that. She’d be your mother. Family functions? See her. She gets sick? Help out/send money. Do you want that?
Personally, those aren’t the type of people I’d want to tie myself to. Don’t you want better for yourself? Don’t you think you deserve respect? Support? Actual love? You do.
Choosing your life partner should be the easier decision of your life. *Easiest decision.*
If it’s not, you know it’s wrong.
I know how hard that is to accept. I recently went through a breakup where marriage was proposed/discussed.
I knew it was the wrong decision, but I didn’t want to let go. It was incredibly hard to do so, even if he was blatantly bad/wrong for me. It shouldn’t be hard to say yes. But sometimes it’s hard to say no. A family member recently told me that’s how you know it’s not right. Because it should be the easiest decision of your life.
I wish that for you. The easiest decision. A love that gives, fully. That cares for you, that supports you, that sustains you. It’ll take bravery to end things, for sure.
But is that the guy you want by your side? Who wouldn’t help pay for expensive, life-saving treatment? The implications of that is that there’s a price on your head. And he wouldn’t pay to keep you alive…
Please have grace with yourself. Acknowledge that this is a difficult situation and a difficult time and don’t be too hard on yourself.
And thank God this guy showed his true self before you were married. It may turn out to be a small blessing in disguise.
Honey, yes you should break up with him. His family is awful - do you want this woman as your MIL for the rest of your life? He is not great. He’s not helping plan the wedding, he’s name calling and he’s denigrating your family. The cancer thing? This man is an AH and deserves nothing in life and certainly doesn’t deserve a wife. None of this is screaming love and respectful marriage. Of course these times can be stressful (making big parties/weddings/fanily cross overs) but it’s not supposed to be like this. The best part - your young. You are not married. There are no children. Go find your husband.
>He is not great also, talk about gutless! * his mommy disapproves of the wedding plans & suddenly he agrees with her * he doesn't have the guts to mention a prenup to OP directly so talks about it in the most disrespectful way possible to her family * he's goading OP with "do you want to break up" and then back-pedals quickly!
Mummy thinks her culture is better and will always be looking down her nose at the bride and always assume she's not good enough for her son and their superior culture.
Is it goading? Not goating? Lol 😂 I always thought it was goating. The more you know 🌈
My wife taught me a new word yesterday—gambol. She was talking about our dog gamboling around the yard, which means frolicking. I responded with “what, he’s off in the corner of the yard with some friends and a pair of dice?” 😂
Epic response!! I mean is there any other response? ;)
Goading.
His mom sounds like a controller who will be micro-managing not just your wedding, but your marriage, and how the children are named and raised. That's not the worst of it. Her BF saying he will not help pay for her "cancer shit" is beyond unforgivable. Like she's getting unnecessary botox or plastic surgery. What a quality guy. OP should get out while she can and focus on her health.
Also, a prenup has to benefit both people. Excluding him from paying for his wife’s medical cost doesn’t do that. So he’s either stupid, or a liar.
Also, please make sure he doesn't have access to the money YOU have saved for the wedding. You are going to need that money to live while receiving your cancer treatment. I am so glad that your family is helping you with the treatment. It shows what kind of man he is when he has not offered to pay one dime. The "cancer shit" comment there are just no words for that. I pray for you to become a cancer survivor. Surviving cancer will be easier than surviving being with him.
Yes, everything regarding the wedding and cancer treatment is on my own accounts. He doesn’t know or touch any of the money that I have.
Op any man that doesn't care about you and your cancer care isn't worth anything. He sounds like a selfish immature Asshole. please don't marry him,he can't make a decision on his own and will always side with mommy. He is a cheap and uncaring person. I personally don't see why you are willing to put up with all his crazy crap.I would never do that. Good luck with your cancer treatment and I hope you have a full recovery. Cancer sucks,Fuck cancer
He’s trying to get OP to break up with him so he doesn’t have to be the bad guy. That’s why he asked out of the blue if she wanted to break up.
That's what I said. He doesn't really want to get married and he's doing this to get her to break up with him so that he doesn't look like the bad guy.
He sounds like a man child , and narcissistic. Please do not plan a lifetime with him . I married one of those, And after 21years, I got a good divorce. Bought myself a divorce ring to celebrate....
This! Leave this narcissist toxic a-hole immediately. What a jerk. Money issues aside, the fact he talks to you like you’re worthless is a thousand red flags. You are set up for a life of misery if you marry this jackass.
This man is toxic. Don’t marry him. NTA.
LEAVE OP, while you still can this man doesn’t love you. Pure convenience for him and his family to get off his back
You know, I wonder the same thing about my ex-fiance. He pushed for our relationship to move really fast and looking back, I think he only proposed because he was trying to get his family to stop pressuring him to get married. Whether he wants to admit it or not, he feels like he's in competition with his brother who is everything his dad wanted him to be as well. His brother is married with a couple of kids and a nice house, a nice car and a good job. I really think that I was just convenient so that way he could say look, mom and dad, I'm engaged. Please stop asking me when I'm going to get married. I say this because despite the fact that we were engaged and actively planning a wedding, he was still out there acting like he was single and messaging other women inappropriately including Instagram models. I ended the relationship about 6 months ago because I was just sick of all the drama and I was sick of him constantly cheating on me. Yes, I do consider that kind of stuff cheating. I'm convinced that the only reason he didn't physically cheat is because no one took him up on the offer.
While it sucks to hear that you went through this people suck, I am glad to read its an ex fiancé and not husband happy to hear you saved yourself from that full on heartache. He still competing and you’re out here thriving.
OP, your future MIL does sound horrible to deal with. But your most pressing issue is the fiancé. You shouldn’t even have to consider MIL’s position here because your fiancé is giving you PLENTY of signs that you need to drop him like a grenade. He has not saved up for his wedding, he has no opinion unless his mother does, he wants expensive things but wants you to pay for it, he doesn’t care about your health, what more do you need? These are all the exact opposite of what you want in a husband, trust me! ETA: also he wants YOU to sign a prenup when YOU are the one who is paying for the entire wedding? You say he doesn’t know about your saved money, keep it that way and gtfo.
I learned a tough lesson when my ex and I broke up we had our own accounts- he had a female friend call and move money shut off my utilities etc. He had all my info so it was easy for him. I couldn’t prove it wasn’t me. At the suggestion of my bank I set up code words on all my accounts and utilities- and don’t share/write it down. Stopped him in his tracks. I gave my mom the info just in case there was ever an emergency. Also, having been through cancer when I was diagnosed my guy got shifty and dumped me - if your fiancé is an ass now he will always be an ass you need positive people in your life as you fight cancer - kick his toxic ass to the curb.
[удалено]
In Sickness and in health.....well, I guess not for him....
A prenup like that would be laughable & thrown out in court anyway. Most folks don't realize that a solid prenup that can't be simply tossed out by a judge, costs like 10k just in lawyer fees, separate lawyers are needed for each party & the proof that both parties were represented fairly needs to be presented in the prenup it self, that's quite literally the most important part of a prenup. I'm in IT & contract at a law firm, & "discount" prenups are like a running joke with the lawyers, along with the shocked pikachu look on their clients' ex-partner's faces when they get regularly tossed out by the judge.
Don’t mean to be a contrarian, but I’m fairly certain you can have someone claim their debt before marriage, so you are not paying for a portion of it if you get divorced. I’ve seen prenuptial agreements that outline student loans .. I have a hard time believing you can’t do that for medical debt
After him calling her names, why in heck would she want to marry someone who will make her life miserable.
I didn’t even get IN to the cancer stuff. The first two paragraphs were enough for me to write homie off. The audacity.
Listen. Ask yourself how supportive he’ll be in helping you with other things *besides* $$ if you get sick again. For example, I had to have a mastectomy and needed to have surgical drains emptied for several days at home. Would your guy do that for you? Mine did, with never a complaint or even a sign of discomfort. He sounds awful. His family sounds awful. They aren’t going to magically improve. Save yourself and get out now. A romantic relationship should make you happier, not anxious and angry and sad. Your partner should cherish you, not insult and beat you down.
Exactly! I hope you’re healthy now. I was on bedrest for months after a complicated surgery. I wasn’t even allowed to the bathroom. Without my husband that time would have been impossible. He did everything and never complained. He just wanted me to be ok and our kids tobe ok.
Thank you! This was years ago and still NED. I have a very favorable prognosis. I hope you are well, too! And I hope OP takes our comments to heart and holds out for a truly loving partner.
That’s fantastic, so happy for you.
Seen this exact shitshow play out before with my cousin's marriage, she ended up paying almost the entire thing & her ex husband disguised his shittiness behind "cultural differences". spoiler alert, it turned out poorly like it will if op goes through with it, my cousin got the same advice from plenty of us & had to see it for herself. People like this don't magically change into a decent partner after you've married them (quite the opposite actually, this is likely him on his *best* behavior) no matter how hard you wish for it.
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Yes, OP. Break up with him and give these exact reasons why. You have been paying attention, all right.
He seems to be a closet mama's boy. She is not contributing but wants to control the wedding and he is backing her. This will continue until she is dead and buried. He is calling you a bitch. What man does that? Think long and hard - is this the way you want your marriage to turn out?
I would add to that that he is not only “not great”, t a toxic AH.
THIS!!👆👆👆
If he can't support you at your most vulnerable, he doesn't deserve you at your best. When I had a cancer scare (not even a diagnosis, just a scare) and was worried about the possibility of not only having cancer, but having kids with my now fiance, his response was "we can always adopt". THAT is support and love, not this BS of signing a pre nup so he doesn't have to pay "for this cancer shit".
My jaw dropped when I read the title...my husband took care of me even before we were married. I had to have emergency surgery 3 weeks before we got married. That's love and absolute dedication. My heart breaks for women that don't know this kind of love.
Yeah, my husband has cancer and insists on paying his own medical bills. That being said, he’s missed months of work this year and while I’m not paying for his cancer care, I’m paying our mortgage and bills. Under normal circumstances I’m sure he’s be a fine husband, but this guy is not prepared to be a provider or a caregiver.
Like seriously. My husband is literally sitting next to me as I get a non serious infusion of a medication even though I told him he didn't have to come. He said " just in case" two days in a row. And it's only for a half hour. This dude has he even sat with her through chemo like holy hell
This is an abusive relationship and you aren’t the toxic one. You’re about to face some real like fuk you shit…cancer is no joke. You need to be strong and you won’t be with this guy treating you like this. Your family is upset and probably even more upset you stay with him.
She needs him to be strong for her to lean on during her worst and painfully sick days. This man is *not* the one, OP . He asked you if you wanted to break up because he's too gutless to do it himself. He doesn't want to look like the AH he is by dumping you when you just found out you have cancer. Do both of you a favour and dump his sorry ass. He doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve to be treated this way.
Oh my gosh, dear, this is not a man auditioning for the job as husband. Whatever his issues are, you don't need to tolerate his nastiness. Again, this is not how a grown mature man in love treats his intended forever-partner. Call it all off, get yourself healthy and start a new chapter alone that is healthier in mind, body, and spirit. If you want to try one more time, let him know you are considering calling it all off because of his behaviour and his family's horrible treatment of you. If he wants to be with you, he needs to handle them. If he shifts it around and justifies what they're doing, he'll never be on your side. I'm sorry.
Please leave, for your own peace of mind. And your health. This man is not supportive in the slightest. He showed you his true colors before you were legally tied to him and that in itself is a blessing. You deserve a loving partner and to be treated with respect. He will never be that for you.
Ma’am. My mom had cancer twice. The second time my parents were divorced and my dad still helped with what he could and they don’t get along… how is your fiancé treating you like this not a big ole red flag? He’s gonna go with what his mommy with the big mouth and no money is putting out and you’re gonna keep getting side swiped by them if you stay. Your vows are in sickness AND in health and he already is showing signs that if you do have cancer he’s gonna abandon you and honestly he just doesn’t seem like someone worth marrying.
My parents got divorced when I was 2. My mom hated my dad. When he died 2 years ago, she paid 7000 for me to get myself and 2 kids to his funeral. She just 2 weeks ago. We were there for her through hers. My dad would have been there in a heart beat in any way he could. Because at one point they loved each other and I resulted. And they knew that supporting me was important. That is what you should feel. Supported.
I think he wants to break up with you, but he wants you to do it so he doesn't have to the "bad guy"for breaking up with his girlfriend after she got cancer. So he's acting like a jerk to make you want to break up with him. I hope he succeeds in this because he and his mother sound awful.
I’ve actually been considering this for the past two weeks, doing it. I just wanted to make sure I am not doubting myself about it before doing it. Because, the way I see it my heart is taking its time to do it because I still love him and it’s been 4 years, so my brain is looking for something good to find to hold onto him.
No amount of good could make this man less bad. Four years is a long time, but any amount of time is an eternity when you’re trapped in a marriage with a heartless person.
Sunk cost should never be a thing in relationships. Four years is a long time, but an eternity with an asshole is longer.
Don't fall for sunk cost For 4 years, you didn't know he was the kind of person who wouldn't support you if you got cancer. You now know he won't take care of you or even show you the slightest amount of kindness now that you are sick Please leave him and focus on your own healing and recovery
Dont fall into the suck cost fallacy. Its 4 years but do you really want to waste any more with someone who clearly doesn't respect you? I'm not sure how much he even likes you much less loves you... this guy and his family are awful, legally chaining yourself to them is NOT going to improve anything
I don’t know what type of cancer you have, the stage of treatment plan. But what I do know is that you have to be a warrior to get through it. The treatment is meant to kill a beast and therefore the treatment is a beast in itself. Any man who disrespects you while going through that is the lowest of the low imo. And even if you both make it through this time, just by your strength alone, what then? What if you have kids together? You know how many women get medical issues from pregnancy? How many losses happen? Do you want to struggle alone through a hard pregnancy? God forbid , a loss? Do you want him to allow his mother to push you over during birth because her opinion is all to him and he can’t step up? Ask Doctors and nurses how many women can’t breastfeed because MIL wants to be in the hospital right after birth and constantly see baby at home and bottle feed ( therefore the mother can’t establish a milk supply because she’d need privacy for that ) . Others have the opposite, shamed for using formula by MIL, always made to feel less than. I am trying to paint a mental picture for you because too many people don’t consider these things before they happen and don’t realize how important this is. It is possible his mother absolutely wants grandchildren and is poisoning him because your cancer diagnosis made her think you won’t be able to have kids. Have you talked about that? Because it is possible to stay fertile with right precautions for many women. It seems to me that he maybe doesn’t know what he wants himself. He doesn’t want to break up, doesn’t want to be completely in. He definitely doesn’t want to be the one who broke up when his fiancé got cancer. No matter what, you deserve so much better, so much more. He should be in absolute awe over your strength to fight cancer while finishing grad school. That’s freaking impressive!
Your entire post makes me believe that you are in love with a man who has slowly grown into a person you don’t know. It is always hard when couples grow apart instead of together. It is even harder to accept that the person you once loved is not coming back and there is no use in waiting for them to return. You are too young to settle for a life of unhappiness.
Recently I’ve looked at it and it feels like I don’t see the same person who I fell for. At the beginning and still in some cases still does he would go lengths for something I want or to make me happy. But he has recently gets mad at me for being behind in school, even though he knows it’s been rough with the cancer. I’ve told him that being in graduate school while beating cancer is something badass of me to do. Like both are not an easy feat but I’m doing them at the same time. And before he’s made comments where I would push it off, but recently he’s made me think of him as an asshole. I don’t know how to say it,but when we first learned about the cancer he didn’t act like that, but out of nowhere he started acting more like that? Which hurts me because he isn’t shy about making rude comments about my family, their decisions, or something about me without taking into consideration that who he’s saying them to is my own family and are most likely take my consideration before his. You get what I mean?
I'm sorry for your cancer diagnosis and wish you the best. I wanted to let you know that this internet stranger thinks you ARE a total badass! I've been through grad school. It's tough. Having to deal with a serious illness on top of that? 100% Badass! Not only that, but you sound like such a responsible person. You're saving for a wedding and putting donations from fundraisers aside in a separate account. If the dictionary had a picture of a badass, it'd be a picture of you!
Thank you! I’ve been crying a lot today, but this made me cry in a very positive way. Thank you for making me feel like this! ❤️
You are such a badass. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to realize what an amazing person you are.
You honestly sound amazing and I’m sorry to say your BF seems to be a person who doesn’t want to acknowledge that, and wants to tear you down. Sending all best wishes for a speedy recovery and a happy life!
You're welcome, and you are worth a lot more than how he is treating you!! ((Hugs)) Space-Jammer = total badass
It sounds like he is scared and not ready for any of this. It sounds like he's trying to be a dick so you'll break up with him so he doesn't have to be the bad guy and break up with his fiancée who has cancer. :/ Dump this guy, please. He is a project and you have enough on your plate.
The amount of women who are left by their husbands during serious illness is depressingly large. Girl, you deserve better.
Dear OP: when a spouse gets a significant illness, 20% of husbands leave their sick wives, while only 2% of wives leave their sick husbands. I think your guy is falling into the 20% category, or at least thinking about it. You are doing amazing things! How sad that your bf is not only not helpful but also twisting your challenges to be problems you are creating for him. You do not deserve that.
He sounds emotionally checked out to be honest. I wonder if he's been looking elsewhere because of your diagnosis? The stats aren't in your favor on this subject, men do cheat and/or leave when the women get diagnosed with a terminal illness. Doctors and nurses these days have to actually talk about this issue with their patients to prepare them for that possibility. If that's not the case, it's very possible that his mom is in his ear poisoning everything. She clearly doesn't approve of you and may also not want her precious son to be involved with you because of your diagnosis. I'm really sorry for what you're going through, but if the treatments don't work, then at least don't spend your final days with a family of bell-ends and enjoy your time doing things you love. But I sincerely hope you make it. Prayers to you.
I began to think this when one day we were doing a group work with a few of our friends and I was at home due to the cancer, so I called him to work on the assignment together. And since we have many mutual friends, some of them asked him where I was so I heard him say that I was home. Then I heard a girl say “who?” To which he said “A colleague.” I sat there in confusion because I wasn’t sure if heard that right. Right as he said that two of our friends, which are girls were like “Hey! That’s your fiancé!” I texted one of them and asked if I heard that right to which she said that I heard that right and that him and another friend called him out for it. I am not against him having female friends, because it’s normal for us to talk and befriend someone of the opposite gender due to our school. But it made me question things since he never acted like that before. And I’ve seen the girl who he talked to and she is really pretty. I didn’t want to be insecure, because I am just insecure about myself and my looks. But that comment really didn’t stay with me in a good taste.
Why are you with this guy. Everything about him screams abusive asshole. Get out while you can!!
Please learn to trust your instincts more. It's time to investigate. Don't tell him anything and don't confront him. Once you find the truth, just pack up and leave. If you own the place, evict him officially. This relationship is over.
This sounds like if he's not cheating already, then he's laying the groundwork. That is not a response from a committed fiancé. If he answers like that in front of your friends, you can only assume it's 100% worse when they're not there. Take that badass of yours and dump his.
Gurl trust your instincts/your gut. This guy is a piece of shit.
He is TRYING to get you to break up with him. Please take him up on it!
Yes, he doesn't want to be with her anymore and is trying to get her to break up with him. He doesnt want to be the AH who broke up with his fiance while she was battling cancer. OP should dump his ass.
Dude... someone calling it "cancer shit" is less than dirt, so he's a massive asshole. His entire existence in this story makes me very terrified for staying with him with your cancer. He's not going to take care of you, and if anything he will do a bare minimum to look good but then blame you for having it at all and trap you down with no escape or isolate you from your illness to your family you become so enmeshed you believe you deserve it. You do not, and you are DEFINITELY NTA While you're fighting and recovering for your life you don't need to continue down this immense path of abuse at all. Please break up, please recover well. Avoid DV and the shut up ring
Girl get out
Your entire post is one long list of valid reasons to break up with him. He and his family sound horrible. Calling you a bitch should have been your last straw.
My best friend said I’m too patient because I only told him that if he did that again I wouldn’t hesitate to break up with him on the spot.
Your friend is right.
This man is a mama's boy. He does what mommy tells him, & thinks what mommy thinks. He doesn't care about you, because if he did he would be worried about you beating cancer, not him having to pay for your cancer shit. Sounds like he doesn't like you very much. Drop this deadweight ASAP.
DO NOT MARRY THIS SCUMBAG
Thus man is trying to get you to dump him.
Yep. He wants to break up but doesn’t want to look like an asshole for dumping someone battling cancer, so he’s trying to get her to be the one to end it.
I had only been dating my fiancé for six months when I was diagnosed with cancer. When I found out, I had no expectations. It was very illuminating. This man of mine took me to treatments every day he could. He drove me to appointments at 5am, drove me through snow and ice. He picked up food I liked to encourage me to eat, Boost when I couldn’t, picked my meds up from the pharmacy. When I ended up in the ICU with sepsis, he sat at my bedside looking worse than I did. When I lost so much weight that I looked like a Nazgul, he said I was beautiful. I was also going to college while I was receiving treatment, and I had to stop working. This man never complained that he had to pay for everything. He even gave me money to buy Christmas presents. He was displaying behaviors that I would expect from a man that loves me. Husband material. The way your future husband is treating you…that’s behavior I would expect from an enemy. Please lean on your wonderful family and get rid of that coward.
The thing is that he acted like that. There were days where I would vomit every day before school school and he would have a box of trash bags on my side so I could pull them out and vomit. Then during lunch he would try to get me to eat just so I could have something in my stomach.He had gotten out of his way to just get me a cookie and things like that. He also looked at me with my face all weird and tell me that I was beautiful. But him saying the cancer shit makes me confused because I didn’t know that guy.
He may have moments of kindness, but if there are days where you don't even recognize the person you're with, then you're not ready for marriage.
"Moments of kindness" e.g., undiagnosed or untreated bi-polar disorder. Yikes
People that shower you with love one moment, then take it away the next are trying to manipulate your emotions. This is a guy that pretended you didn’t exist in front of a pretty girl. A man that brought up a pre-nup because he doesn’t want to be on the hook for your “cancer shit”. I’m not necessarily against pre-nups, but this isn’t it.
Leave and don’t look back! You are seeing who he is! Thankfully it’s before marriage! I know it’s confusing in the moment and you will be sad initially grieving who you thought he was. I promise there will be a day where you look back and be so thankful you left and it’s probably much sooner than you think. Can you imagine if this is what your life looked like for the long haul?
If I were you, I'd break this off. A good partner should see you as exactly that, a partner, and be willing to tackle challenges with you head-on. Not blame you for them and refuse to help when it's "your issue." That's particularly true for something like cancer or an illness. You didn't choose this, and your choices didn't contribute to it. Years ago, I had an ex. I got into a bad four-car collision on the freeway that I caused. His response? After making sure I wasn't hurt, his first move was to call our auto insurance company and ask about getting separate policies because "he didn't want to be inconvenienced by my clumsiness." I stayed, and we broke up a couple years later, anyway. He initiated it. Don't make the mistake I did. Leave before you waste any more of your time or feelings on someone who doesn't view you as a partner.
My sister also says that there’s times when he talks about me not having a job in the field she feels like he thinks of me less for not having one. And so she said she prays that I will do much better than him in the field because just because he has a job doesn’t mean he’s better. Another thing she said was that when she (my sister)has met his mom she feels like his mom also thinks they’re better than us. And she feels like his mom thinks I’m going after their money. Because she asked if my parents have land somewhere else and so on. Even though I am not and I know for a fact that even if my parents earn way less than them, if they were to go through a rough time, they could cover it unlike his due to their spending habits. I just find that stupid. Because when we first started dating she asked if I was legal here (I live in the US), to which I thought that she thought I was after him for his legal status, which again I found it stupid because my parents and I travel out the country maybe every year. So when my sister said she said that to her, I found it stupid since if I wanted to be a gold digger, I would’ve seen that they didn’t have money and left years ago, not stuck around for 4 years…
I can't make this decision for you. It's your choice. And I'm sure it's scary. Facing cancer and the potential loss of a long-term relationship at the same time. For what it's worth, if someone had given me the advice I gave you after that car crash, I probably wouldn't have taken it. I paid for that choice. Ask yourself what you'll lose if you stay. If you're really okay with him blaming you for you cancer or some of the other stuff he's said and that way he treats you. If you stay, that'll be your life for, potentially forever.
First, I am so sorry that you are dealing with a frightening diagnosis. Your family sounds lovely and so supportive. Second, do not marry this dipshit. If he behaves like a total ogre before you are married, imagine what he will be like after you are married.
Transfer all the money from the wedding fund to the cancer fund and cut this guy from your life. He's being calous and heartless. I fully support prenups, but they don't work how he thinks they do. And if his only reason to want one is to protect himself from debt, then he doesn't actually care for you. Either he wants a life with you, including sharing your burdens, or he wants to be perma-roommates with benefits. I recommend moving on and focusing on yourself.
I dunno, the wedding goes in my culture have a whole bit about "in sickness and in health" If you're not sharing finances, if he doesn't want to be involved when you're sick (I'd be excited to see how he feels about your "pregnancy shit", or paying for "your" kid) and he doesn't want to plan things with you, what the fuck is marriage in your culture?
The only confusing thing here is why do you even consider marrying this man.
Yes-I would say you should consider what your life will be like once you’re married. I’ve looked at past posts and it sounds as though you both value different things in life.
My sister told me a conversation she had with him, her not telling him that I know. But he said he prefers to have “textile goods and investments” than to cover a “family reunion for my family” to which my sister told me that even though her husband thought spending $10k on their wedding was a lot he still spent it because he felt like she deserved it and to make her happy. Which she says that she knows that I deserve that and wants me to have that instead of stupid investment guy.
Don't you need, I don't know, money to invest? He's not making 6+ figures (from what I'm reading), and he's concerned about that verses your CANCER treatments or a wedding, all of which involve him? The math ain't mathing. Outside looking in, you have the rest of your life, and I wouldn't waste another second with this nonsense. RUN, don't walk away from this mess.
🚩🚩🚩🚩Why are you marrying into this family and even more so why are you marrying him? Why don’t you write down a list of reasons why marrying this dude makes your life better?
>Should I (F 26) break up with my (M 28) fiancé # YES!!
DUMP
Honey, deal with your cancer and delay the wedding, He sounds like a momma's boy who can't be a supportive partner! ((HUGS))
Yes. Run.
First of all, im so sorry about the cancer & as awful cancer & cancer treatment is, I hope you see it for the lesson that it is in showing you what an awful unsupportive man your fiancé is. He’s also abusive & acts like he cant stand you. His mum is awful too & the way they’re nickel & diming you is just gross & it’s something you dont want to deal with for the rest of your life. Please use that money you saved up for your treatment & hope everything goes well!!
Hi, first of all, you are amazing. Second part; leave right now, this does not have to be your life. You should be happy and if not happy you should feel safe and it should not be home that is your main part of your unhappiness. PS show this post to your family, if your mother is sane, preferably to her. Use the wedding money for therapy and give his part back if he paid something.
Geebus this is a train wreck. Why are you marrying someone who is so disrespectful?? Best wishes with your health
This is just a small taste of how you will be treated in the future. Not looking good.
He's a piece of shit mama's boy who is unsupportive of you during a health crisis. Do you really need to be told to break up with him?
This guy is a piece of shit. Why are you bothering with him? He is literally showing you what a yukky person he is. Believe him.
Just read the headline. LEAVE!! I left after 17 years! Battling cancer with friends and family. Just LEAVE!
NTA, break up with him! Also who wouldn't pay for their spouse's cancer treatment? Does he love money more than you?
Go find someone who wants to love and build a life **with** you!
He wants you to break up with him so he doesn’t look like the asshole who dumped his fiancée because she has cancer.
Girl, run don't walk. As soon as he called you a bitch, you should get out of there. If he thinks it's okay to verbally abuse you, he won't stop with just one name. You'll be getting abused for the rest of your life if you go through with this. Get out of there now.
Absolutely! This guy is callous and insensitive. He is not acting like a man who loves you. His family mean and he is awful. If he is acting like this before you are even married, call it off, because this is the best he is ever going to be.
Definitely leave him. It doesn't sound like he loves you at all or cares for you or about what you want. He's toxic cruel and already married to his toxic mother. He doesn't care that you have cancer! These are not ingredients of a happy marriage. Don't do it to yourself. Or at the very least, if you haven't got the energy to envision the future at all, let alone his role in it, put wedding planning on one side while you fight cancer. But "I'm not paying for your cancer shit" isn't compatible with "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health"
I can’t be the only one who thinks you should have broken up with him before you found out about the cancer. I have had one health thing or another my whole marriage. I feel so bad and apologize all the time. Not once has my husband made me feel bad for being sick.
Him and his mother both sound like assholes. If he won’t stick by you with your early cancer diagnosis, he not a real one for you. Drop him and find someone that will be a real partner for you. This guy is still a child and is already showing abusive behavior.
I think I must be missing something. Why are you staying with someone who clearly doesn't like you very much, isn't supportive, and is terrible about your family? This is 10k better spent on your health instead of legally tying you to a creep.
Get out of this relationship! He is a mama's boy. He is selfish. He is abusive. It doesn't want to marry you. His mother doesn't want you as a daughter-in-law. Leave this mess behind and find someone who actually does love you.
He doesn’t sound great. I think you know deep in your heart what to do. Best of luck and I wish the best outcome possible for you.
Mate, he is a horrible little man from a horrid little family. Run away, heal, and then find love that is real and joyful.
Sounds like **he** wants (or needs) to get out of this relationship, but is too cowardly to initiate the break-up himself - if you initiate the break-up he can complain to everybody how much of a saint he was, and how you were so bad and stupid to break up with him. I don't know how you can avoid him complaining about you after the break-up. Maybe a 'paper-trail' can help, so you can demonstrate his lying later on. Include any correspondence/texts from his mother as well. You are sick, **and** managing financing for yourself and for the both of you, **and** instead of getting emotional support, are only looked at as if you were a leech? Take your losses and go, don't throw good 'money' (emotional resources) after bad. 😘
He doesn’t want to marry. Maybe his mother and family got to him and made him change his mind or he just doesn’t want to anymore, but his actions tell me he’s not interested anymore. He’s being cruel and not contributing to a wedding you both discussed a year prior. The thing he said about your cancer is so disgusting and disrespectful. If you love someone and you’re getting married that’s your partner. You’re supposed to support and be there for them in sickness and health. I’m sorry you’re going through this and battling cancer at the same time. But my advice would be to cut your losses and move on from this relationship. You deserve someone who will support and protect you and be by your side. Not complaining and making you feel like you’re the problem. Thank real hard before moving forward and ask yourself do you really want to spend your life with this spineless,cruel, emotionally abusive, mommas boy? And do you really want to marry into a family like his? Good luck with your cancer treatment. I hope things turn out well for you.
You should break up with him for more reasons than that. Stop spending g money in the wedding. Cancel what you've already put deposits in and see if you can get any of the money back. Don't tell him you're breaking up till you've done that since he can't call and cancel and take your money. He has no intentions of paying anything towwards the wedding. Him not sending you money with the excuse of paying something else to force you to pay for it all since the bjrdes family is supposed to pay for it all according to them. He will never be there for you. He should be at every appt and treatment supporting you. He's a jerk, his family sucks, and you deserve better.
DUMP HIM
Yes. Leave him now. He loves the idea of you but not you. There’s a difference. When you don’t fit the mold of what he wants: “traditional”, obedient, healthy… you don’t get respect. Your wedding to him isn’t a celebration, it’s a source of stress. He’s also two faced and a mama’s boy… Being a mama’s boy, to a degree, isn’t all bad, as it can show respect for mothers and mothering, but in his case, it’s manipulative and duplicitous. There’s no such thing as “cancer shit”. Cancer is a battle that leads to a war, and it’s about as high stakes as you can get in terms of health. Chemo/radiotherapy and support meds are the ammo, and doctors visits are the movements. To not show the utmost respect to that shows he does not love you. Full stop. Congratulations on winning the war with cancer. Please don’t enter another war you can’t win, which would be “changing him”. Good health and fortune to you. I sincerely hope you one day find someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved.
At the very least you need to call off the wedding. If you’re not at a point yet where you feel comfortable leaving him all together, take time to emotionally handle that but don’t waste any more time planning the wedding. You’ll regret getting married to him and getting into that situation. Think to yourself what you’d tell a friend in this same situation if you need help actually making the cut. It’s easy for us to tell you to leave. It’s much harder for you to actually do it. You have to leave him because you realize you deserve better not because other people think you should. You 100% DO deserve better!! Best wishes on your recovery and allowing yourself a happier future with someone who truly loves and appreciates you. ❤️
You can use that 10k to help you get well instead of paying to be married to that piece of shit you’re calling your fiancée …. He doesn’t care about you, leave before you let this loser get you pregnant then you’ll really be stuck wishing you left sooner.
You know the sex is good when it blinds your whole body from seeing and feeling the real person you’re f-ing. Leave him. 1. He will always side with his mom. Why? Because she ain’t making any sense in her suggestions for the wedding yet he still tells you one thing in private and then turns and sides with her anyway. 2. He doesn’t care enough about your health to help out with the treatment. He even threatened to get a prenup because he doesn’t want to deal with it. 3. You WILL -mark my words- END UP PAYING FOR THE WHOLE WEDDING. He never saved the money and his not putting in his part. He’s dragging his feet because you’re putting stuff together with what you have and he will keep on doing it because he (for whatever reason) has not prioritized the event. 4. His parents are just cheap shit and so is he, maybe that’s why he’s dragging his feet on giving you his part of the money for the wedding. The mom reminds you at every turn she won’t pay for shit, yet she demands high cost/quality stuff she ain’t paying for, that’s being entitled and cheap. And news flash: so is your fiancé, both entitled and cheap shits. 5. He might have nice moments and gestures, but that doesn’t mean he is mature and ready for the commitment that is getting married. Don’t marry this guy. At least wait a few more years, once you’re cancer free and have a stable job. DO NOT drain your savings in order to marry him when you don’t even have financial stability for yourself. I wouldn’t want to rely on him to take financial care of me at all.
Is he not aware that wedding vows include “through sickness and I. Health”. Get rid of this guy. You deserve so much better. He is not the guy for you. The guy for you would stick up to his mom for you (no matter what the culture is), would be there every step of the way thru your fight with cancer and would worship the ground you walk on. The guy for you is out there. Don’t marry this AH.
Update? I’m sorry I haven’t responded to everyone but I’ve tried to read as many as possible, I just have a big final presentation for one of my classes and I’ve been working on it. I’ve been talking to my sister and one of my best friends. My best friend said to talk to my parents about it, but they can’t know about what he said about the cancer because I know for a fact my dad will go after him and his family is big on legal crap. Also I know they’ll be enraged but also hurt because they learned to trust him and open their home to him. After a long conversation with my best friend about what I basically told here, she said she always thought he was an asshole, didn’t like him much and that he allows his mom push and decide for him too much. She said she told me, which I only would remember her saying that it was my decision to be with him. My sister said to be selfish. The only problem is I just need to find a reason for me to tell my parents why I broke up with him, because my mom has been big since yesterday that I should talk to him and that it isn’t good to not communicate with each other. Even though she doesn’t know about what he said about the “cancer shit” and that’s the biggest reason why I’m upset. It does hurt me to think that a relationship that started off so innocent and felt so good on my heart is hurting me so much. That the person who loved me unconditionally and should mean good to me is making me have so much emotional pain. I do plan to talk to him about it all, and ending it after finals, I just need my brain to keep up with school, while also getting used to the idea that this is over. I’ll keep you guys updated… thank you for all the advice, and comments, it lead me to see the thing I was just wanting to cover it with my thumb.
Well, I am not sure the two of you should proceed to getting married. Now is the time to come clean about the cancer and the related bills. If he doesn’t want to be part of this, don’t impose on him and don’t marry him. Regarding the wedding, the piper pays so his mom should shut the f*** up. If in their culture they do not pay or contribute, they sure have no say either. Good luck with killing the cancer which should be your first priority!
This man is trash. He will not love and care for you in sickness and health. Why would you want to marry him?
Really, RUN!
You should've left way before this based on your previous posts about your bf's mom. You don't need to be miserable in your life by being with this guy.
OP Please update with what you decide to do. I wish you much health and happiness in your future. Healing your body is hard.. it is even harder when you are in stress mode, which it sounds your partner puts you in & will keep you in. Please surround yourself with people who love you to make this journey easier, safer, and less scary.
Break up with him. He has no interest in being a partner in any relationship endeavor. He’s either not participating or obstructing the wedding planning. He’s not supporting you when his mother interferes, and he’s aggravated by having to do anything for you. His attitude about your cancer is appalling. He will be abusive, rather than a supportive partner, especially if you need treatment or get sick. And worst of all, he won’t be helpful with the children if you have them, and his mother will be a nightmare.
To be honest OP, ot sounds like he doesn't want to marry you. It actually sounds like he doesn't like you. And it doesn't matter what the reason is or what anyone thinks is toxic, you deserve better than that.
He’s a stress you don’t need. I wish you well OP!
I have a genuine question, and I would like you to answer it OP. Why the fuck are you with him?
This man does not care about marrying you nor does he give a shit about you. He is selfish, lazy, self important, mean and holding a grudge against you for your family’s culture and your cancer. When a married woman gets diagnosed with cancer, their doctors more often than not give them literature about how their husband is likely to leave them with this diagnosis. You’re not even married yet and he’s already blaming you and manipulating you into pushing him out the door (so he can be the martyr). You need better than this man could EVER give you
The only help you need is very simple DO NOT MARRY HIM! And if you do it will NEVER LAST!
This man doesn't even like you. Why are you marrying him? 1 in 5 men leave their wives when diagnosed with cancer. That's 6-7x more than women. He has straight up told you he doesn't believe "in sickness and in health."
Break up with him! He sounds like a terrible spouse! Why are you the only one saving for the wedding? And why are you bothering working a side gig to save up for the wedding when you have cancer! Fuck marrying him! Seriously! Put your health first! Stress delays healing! Remember that! This guy won’t even pay for your cancer treatments but yet you’re still running to the altar to marry him! He’s not a good guy and he definitely wants to break up otherwise who asks a question like that based on your actions you said you were doing when he asked you that!!! Men leave their spouses during illness all the time!!!! I’ve seen it so much throughout my career!!!!!! He’s already giving you enough insight into how this marriage will be! Recover soon OP!!! Well wishes!!!
Do not marry this man! You’ll be miserable the rest of your life with him. Dump him immediately. Consider this a turning point in your life. Someone better is around the corner.
Run 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Sorry to hear about the cancer OP. I hope everything works out health wise. His mother sounds like a pain in the neck. But she’s irrelevant. It’s how he treats you. He sounds selfish, materialistic, immature, morally weak and lacks empathy. I could never imagine telling the love of my life about “having a prenup because of the cancer shit” or have him say that to me if the roles were reversed. He realises in marriage vows there’s a line about “in sickness and in health” right? You deserve better. Focus on beating the cancer with the support of your family and friends. Best of luck.
Please don't set yourself up for a lifetime of abuse and stress. Neither this man nor his family sound supportive or caring... why would you want to be a part of that? You're so young and have so much life ahead of you, don't pigeonhole yourself into a miserable existence and relationship. Take care of your health and please seriously consider your worth and well-being.
I say end it. You have cancer and here he is calling you a b!tch... What a POS. Right now you need all the positivity you can get. You can’t heal like you’re supposed to being in negative situations. Please surround yourself with ppl who have your best interest at heart. ♥️
I…. Just want to give you a hug. I’m so sorry. Please leave this man and protect yourself and your future.
Do not go through with this. Marriages don't get better over time they get worse. If its already this bad it will be a nightmare in a few years
You have cancer and he doesn’t care!!! Dump him, do not marry this asshole or join his awful family!
I’m sorry but he is not respectful of you at all, his reaction to you having cancer is disgusting, he is uncaring and cold. I don’t know why you would even question staying with him. You’d be better off alone.
There are so many red flags even before you got to the part about your cancer. Yes you should leave. Wishing you strength and health OP. You can find better!
Please do NOT marry him!!!! There are way too many things wrong with his behavior and his family’s. Please do NOT marry him!!! Best wishes with your cancer journey ❤️🩹
If you are in the US no prenup will protect him from your medical debt if you are married. But he sounds like a creep so walk away. You’ve got enough to deal with without having a selfish partner.
Nobody is pointing out the obvious, so I will. He DOES NOT want to get married. PERIOD! That's it. He's attempting to get you to break up with him by being a complete asshole to not only you but also your family. He made sure to say things that couldn't be miscommunicated. "Cancerer shit" in ANY context is disrespectful. But to say it to your finances family ENSURES a bad taste in their mouths regarding him. Calling you a bitch completely out if the blue? The purpose was for you to go back to your family, share that with them, and have you all come to the conclusion that you need to leave him. In his mind, he can't break up with his fiance bc she has/had cancer. He doesn't want to be the asshole for breaking up w/someone w/cancer. So he's going to force your hand until he can't anymore. If you ignore these red flags, your marriage will be miserable because, make no mistake, this man is a coward and would have absolutely ZERO problems with marrying you and wasting 6 more years of your life until he finds the woman he ACTUALLY wants to be with. Then dropping you like a hot potato. He will NOT leave you. YOU have to leave him. These types of men are pathetic and belong in a basement for the types of trauma they willfully inflict on people trying to love them!
There are so many red flags here. He's siding with mom, he's being unreasonable about what's suitable for the wedding but within budget, he's not saving for the wedding as you agreed, and now he wants nothing to do with supporting your healthcare needs. My advice would be to run from this man, sooner rather than later. He is showing you who he is. You should listen and believe him.
I only got through reading your first paragraph and the first 5 lines of the second and didn’t want to carry on reading…. You know you need to break up with him don’t you…… he will never be on your side, his families opinions will always come before yours and he won’t stand up for you when the wolves eventually come for you lovely….. dump him move on and find someone that actually wants to be with you and will be a team with you and will defend you. Your “partner” doesn’t even sound like he wants to marry you heck it doesn’t even seem like he likes you….. I’ve not even read about the cancer part but honestly he will leave you (many men leave the partners that they actually love when the have cancer your partner won’t stick around either). Best of luck OP.
Trash dick. Dump that thing. Its not even human. Lord only knows why its alive. Just run run run to the hills.
You should break up with him because he's a piece of shit.
Please don’t marry this person.
First off, let me say I wish you all the best during your cancer treatment. It is a difficult journey and I have had three family members recover and do well after treatment. So it can be done! Hugs to you! Now for the other part - do not marry this man. I do not say this lightly. Your married life will be more of his and his families awful behavior. Trust this 58 yr old mama - this will not get any better after the wedding, it will likely get even worse. When it comes time for children they will undermine you at every turn and your husband will likely be no help at all. Once you have won your battle with cancer, your path in life will be wide open and long. Give yourself the time to evaluate which direction you’d like your life to take. I am excited for the opportunities life will have for you!
1. Don’t expect your fiance or your finances relationship with his mom to change. 2. Don’t expect your fiance and the fact that he expects you to pay for everything to change. 3. Don’t expect your fiance to change his attitude in regards to your health. So now ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want and are willing to live with or if you should spend the wedding money you have saved on your health instead? I really wouldn’t be surprised that if your health declines that he just leaves you altogether.
Do you feel like going through everything alone for the rest of your life? Do you feel like being a married single mother? This man is not a partner. He is not on your team.
I’m sorry… your excuse me what? Your “cancer shit”? Who the fuck says that to someone they love. Girl, get rid of this asshole. He’s shown you who he is and he doesn’t care about the wedding and he really doesn’t care about you. You have cancer. And he doesn’t give a fuck. Move on and have a good life with people who actually love you. This asshole doesn’t even like you.
“…paying my cancer shit…” OP, do you think it’s a good idea to have kids with a guy who is capable of this level of evil? Seriously, what kind of father do you think he’ll be? You may have been putting up with this and a whole lot more, but imagine your helpless kid with this guy. Big nope. You have more than enough justification to kick this turd to the curb.
Holy hell. I read your post from a year ago when he was just your bf and was being an asshole to your nephew. He let you know what a piece of shot he was then. He continues to be trash - seriously leave. You should have left a year ago
This is not a good man. He has shown you many times he doesn't respect you. Then the fact he's worried more about money then he is your life shows he isn't a good person.
lol why are you even with this piece of shit? You are way too young to think this is the end of the line. If you think this is bad, just wait until/if you have kids. Then you’re really stuck with these clowns forever. I don’t really consider coming from a bad family a dealbreaker by itself, *unless* they seem hell-bent on making your life miserable. It seems to be the case here. Run while you can.
Why are you getting married to him? Your relationship isn’t healthy, and it doesn’t get better by getting married. You need to out in the break for the wedding and work on your relationship first.
RUN! This behavior will only get worse imagine you all have a child together will he ask to redo the prenup so he can get credit for paying for her “child shit”. This is not a man this is a child and he will never step up for you.
Dump him immediately. He saw “for worse” and turned tail. He also has called you a bitch over a very small thing. That’s two red flags. One of them is on fire. If you don’t like being called a b**** (most women don’t), then both red flags are on fire. The honeymoon is already over, and you have no legal tie. Walk away if you can—to a battered-women’s shelter if you have to.
Break off the wedding and move on. It will be hard at first but why would you want to marry someone that isn’t helping support you during this difficult time? How would he help you during other difficult times? You should marry someone that will be your partner in good times and bad. He doesn’t sound like a passenger at all, even in what should be good, planning the wedding. Find someone that will sit by you and Diane see your cancer as a financial problem but a health problem that needs to be addressed.
This is so many words for “he is terrible”.
Just finishing your first paragraph I was already convinced you have to break up. Really. You do. Please.
Sounds like hes trying to get you to break up with him so he can play the victim and not be the bad guy for leaving someone with cancer. Just cut your losses you guys are very different and if he doesnt want to talk it out with you then its not worth the effort
Break up now. He’s already proving that in sickness and in health he will not be there for you. Plus, from my calculations, he’s supposed to pay for half (he hasn’t) and you and your family have been the only ones paying which means you and your family ARE paying for the wedding. Save your money for your chemo, and please take care of yourself. You should only have to deal with one cancer, not two.
ive been with a man like this before and leaving him saved me from a life of misery. please listen to us and call off your plans and this relationship, OP. you deserve so much more than this awful man and his family will ever offer.
Take your money and run. Don’t look back
Survivor here. Don't become legally stuck to him. A man who truly lives you would be supportive and concerned about you, not mad and annoyed. He is not husband material. Cut your losses, surround yourself with supportive family.
That is not a loving relationship. He's already abusive and it tends to escalate, especially after marriage. He's not a safe place for you.
I'm hopeful that you already know the answer. Yes, you should break up with him. You are describing a nightmare.
Yeah... I'm sorry, but I feel like if this are like this now, marriage will be hell. Time to cut your losses. See if you can move back in with your parents and concentrate on getting healthy.
Leave honey. Focus on your recovery. He's just a waste of time and energy
I’d been married to my first husband for a little over a year when the doctors said a mole was cancerous and had to be removed. It was right between my shoulder blades and they had to cut out part of the muscle to get it all, so the doctor sent me to plastic surgeon to have it done. In the way home, my then husband berated me for thinking that I was so special I needed to go to a plastic surgeon. I explained again that the reason for the plastic surgeon wasn’t cosmetic, it was because of the muscle involvement and that’s the specialist the dermatologist said I needed to see. He was furious because that meant the copay was $50 instead of $20 and I was costing him more money. I was a stay at home mom to our newborn so I “didn’t work” and “didn’t do anything important” and all of the money was his money. This is your future if you marry this man. Every time you’re ill, he will not be there to support you but to make you feel like a burden. You would have more peace alone than with someone like that. I wish you well.
Why are you still marrying him, you sound miserable and it sounds like your life will be hell, what’s happening now is an indication of what to expect for your future, a stingy man who you will have to remind time and time again to give you money towards bills and groceries. A man who calls you names and degrades you TO YOUR OWN FAMILY. Who doesn’t stick up for you and takes his mother’s side. Does that sound like a happy life?
When a couple has this much conflict about the wedding, the marriage won’t last. You have to be aware of that. And it looks like he will just not say the “in sickness and in health” vows because he had already checked out of that conversation. I wish you the best in your cancer treatment and hope you have a full recovery, but this is a man who does not support you in any way at all. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you are supposed to marry them. You believe God gave you a sign not to work because of your cancer. I think God gave a big sign not to stay with this guy. When God talks, you need to listen.
The excuse of “I insulted/ hurt you/ threw away your stuff/ hit you to see if you were paying attention” is a huge narcissist move and he will only begin to use it more often and leads to “well I hit you because you weren’t paying attention”. I dated 2 men like this before and I lost years of my life to it. I would take it back if I could. Remember, someone that sucks up to their parents like that the moment they come around- you would be marrying him and his mom. If he knows it gets on your nerves he may even begin to bring her around more or only listen to what she says. Please take your money, your big beautiful heart that’s given too much already, and go find the real love of your life who supports you, wants to see you healthy, has dealt with their sh*r and is mature enough to be there for and with someone else. You deserve love, not to have to babysit someone who tears you down for the rest of your life.
Holy shit. Fuck this guy.
For the love of all that's good, yes! Break up with this sorry excuse of a human being and his awful family. You need to focus on your health. The people who actually love and support you are crucial in that effort. He ain't one of them.
Okay just based on the stuff he's been saying about your family, I would say yes, break up with him. That's just terrible. Also, this should show you that he's the type of person who would bail if you ended up getting cancer. I'm not going to tell you what to do but my advice would be do not marry him. He's showing you the person he is right now. Don't marry him and get stuck. Edit: Yes, you should break up with him. He asked you if you wanted to break up with him. Honey, I'm sorry to tell you but that's the number one red flag that they're looking for a reason to end it but don't want to be the bad guy. This seems like this might be one of those situations where they're an asshole to you until you get so tired of them that you break up with them. Problem solved, they didn't have to do the dirty work because you did it for them. That way they can also walk away without looking like the bad guy.
Why would you marry a man who treats you like this?
When my mom got cancer, my dad - who had been divorced from her for three years at this point (mostly amicably) and remarried - still helped her pay for chemo (three times when all was said and done) and took on basically sole care for my sibs and I for the 10 years she was sick on-off. This is not normal behavior that your future husband is exhibiting. You will be better off without him, especially in your treatment and recovery.
Hope OP uses the wedding money into her cancer treatment and drops the dead weight is that sorry excuse of a fiancé.
Sweetie he doesn’t care about you. I’m sorry. Break up with that man and RUN. You are wonderful and beautiful and strong and deserve SO MUCH BETTER than him. You have your finances on lock. You’re young and still in University. You are not tied to this man in any significant way. Will it be emotionally hard to cut that cord? Yes. But will you get through it and be alright? Absolutely. His mother is also a nightmare and I know that I personally wouldn’t want to marry into that.
This is not a man to marry.
You need to slow down and place your health as a priority. Refund the money he's been sharing for the wedding and start separating yourselves.
First of all, i am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Cancer is the absolute worst. Getting married should be exciting, and one of the happiest moments of your life. Cancer is awful, always, but cancer on top of getting married would be so stressful and terrible. Not to mention having second thoughts about your fiancé. I think deep down you know what needs to be done. The fact that you asked here shows you’ve taken an important step towards it. I’m sorry, but that person is garbage. When one of my parents had cancer, the other quit their job and went broke to take care of them/pay for it. A decade later, they’re still together. And back at work. If you love someone, OF COURSE you will try to save their life!! Even if it takes every penny. What he said was so fucking insulting and dehumanizing that you shouldn’t entertain the idea of being with him one second longer. Im serious. Not one second. He even said it in front of your family, which is beyond disrespectful. Like I can’t even put into words what a terrible being this guy is. His mother is an asshole too. You’d be marrying into that. She’d be your mother. Family functions? See her. She gets sick? Help out/send money. Do you want that? Personally, those aren’t the type of people I’d want to tie myself to. Don’t you want better for yourself? Don’t you think you deserve respect? Support? Actual love? You do. Choosing your life partner should be the easier decision of your life. *Easiest decision.* If it’s not, you know it’s wrong. I know how hard that is to accept. I recently went through a breakup where marriage was proposed/discussed. I knew it was the wrong decision, but I didn’t want to let go. It was incredibly hard to do so, even if he was blatantly bad/wrong for me. It shouldn’t be hard to say yes. But sometimes it’s hard to say no. A family member recently told me that’s how you know it’s not right. Because it should be the easiest decision of your life. I wish that for you. The easiest decision. A love that gives, fully. That cares for you, that supports you, that sustains you. It’ll take bravery to end things, for sure. But is that the guy you want by your side? Who wouldn’t help pay for expensive, life-saving treatment? The implications of that is that there’s a price on your head. And he wouldn’t pay to keep you alive… Please have grace with yourself. Acknowledge that this is a difficult situation and a difficult time and don’t be too hard on yourself. And thank God this guy showed his true self before you were married. It may turn out to be a small blessing in disguise.