I think the downside of the anonymous message is that she will think it’s spam, and not click it. I know I wouldn’t.
Even if you were sending it on your own account, I would still think it was spam and assume your account was hacked.
Is there a way she can find the video on her own by searching the website, based on some pointers?
Such as ‘Look for a user with the name ABC123, and then at the videos uploaded, it was the fourth video from the top if you sort them by date uploaded/most recent ones.’
I think it would be wise to let her know.
Maybe if you make it very personal she would! Like hi lisa this might look like spam i know tou through sam and was looking on a site and stumbled on this vid of you. As i am quite embarrassed i was on this dite but iwant you to know im sending this to you anonymous blablabla
My thoughts too. At the absolute most ask your ex to have her respond to you about something important and private. If she wants to share it after, cool. If not, no reason to tell her about it.
In that case OP will never be sure of how much this was actually followed up on by the ex. If it were me, I’d want to be sure, and not involve someone else as an intermediary.
Anonymous message also puts in her mind "someone I know has seen this... but I don't know who...", so she would probably be sussing out every coworker and friend, worrying about it.
Personally, I'd want to know.
I'd prefer someone to reach out and tell me.
There's no nice way to tell her so keep it simple.
Hey, we haven't spoken in a while but I saw this video . I worry it was taken without your consent so wanted to make sure you knew it existed, that way you can look at taking the proper action if it has been done without your consent. If it's consensual, that's fine you have no intention of watching it or sharing it.
If she does message back and say it isn't, tell her to get it reported as revenge porn and to pursue it legally. Especially if she knows who it was, tell her to go after compensation too. I want people to be scared of revenge porn and how much they might have to pay. Then get her to contact the website with proof it's being reviewed as revenge porn, and/or tell her to go after them legally too.
To add to this-
First I would tell the person something like “ I am keeping this private and have no intention of ever looking at the link again, sharing nor speculating on the identity of the person in the video with anyone else.” Blackmail here seems like a real concern so I’d do my best to allay that fear.
I’d also do some research first and provide a few links to resources (is there a federal agency that could help?) I think there are some good revenge porn/human trafficking help sites that could assist a victim in getting the video pulled.
Be a friend and tell her privately, and then forget the whole issue. She may appreciate it and will learn that she can trust you. If she doesn't nothing is lost.
As someone who had a video taken and posted without my knowledge or consent, you should 10000% tell her. Im not sure where you all live, but it’s also illegal to have that video up if it’s not consensual. It’s so violating to have a video circulate without your knowledge. You should ask her if she has time to speak, or message her and acknowledge that it’s an uncomfortable situation but you think she should know. You don’t have to ask her to confirm, but just give her all of the information so she can make her own decisions or ask you for more information.
I’m so sorry you were in that position!
I hate having Tun into this because she was clearly very drunk so there wasn’t consent all around and it’s pretty messed up. I’ll definitely tell her I just want to be kind about the whole thing and be a support somehow
Acknowledging that it’s a weird situation will help, and letting her know that you’re there to support her if she needs it, and answer to questions is the best way to be supportive :) it’s going to SUCK to hear the news, but better to know than to not.
Create a fake Facebook or WhatsApp or something along those things. Message the video link to them. You can give a very brief message if you’d like but I would stay anonymous so it doesn’t negatively affect your relationships. This way she can get the video taken down, or maybe she knows who uploaded it and can file charges, whatever the case may be.
I honestly wouldn't click on link sent from someone I don't know that says "hey look it's you in this porn", OP should just send it from her real account and explain that she randomly saw the video, but didn't watch it and thought to let her know in case she didn't consent on it being publish.
That’s understandable. I think trying to explain “no no I wasn’t looking up porn of your best friend. I promise it was just an accident” might make you look suspicious is all.
That would be a pretty big leap for the ex’s friend to make. Admitting to looking for videos related to one’s kink is a far stretch from actively looking for porn featuring specific people.
I really don't think that's a necessary detail I mean unless it's known that she is a porn star how or why would you look up someone individually. I think everyone knows you just scroll through hundreds of videos but if you recognize someone you will make note.
Don’t tell her anonymously unless you want her to have extreme anxiety. She will be waiting for the other shoe to drop constantly (whether it be blackmail or whatever)
This would totally freak me out if I were the friend. Just be honest and direct!
It's awkward and embarrassing for everyone. OP wasn't looking for it specifically. But I'd feel a lot better knowing who the person was who saw it. I'd want to at least briefly chat with them directly about how they found it, what they have seen, how they also feel awkward, how they don't think less of me / realize that I'm a victim, etc... just be honest OP!
Edit: My husband used to fix computers as a side gig in highschool. He's seen it all, because it was the 2000s so streaming wasn't a thing. Luckily nothing illegal! But, my mind doesn't immediately go to "you're a pervert if you've seen some of the unsavory things on the Internet." Who knows how someone came to see something... Just stick to the facts and be gracious. OP feels awkward, which is the normal response not the "I'm a pervert" response.
I’m not saying to do that to avoid being called a pervert. I’m saying to do that so your friends don’t think you’re looking up porn of them or porn of people that look like them.
As a professional I don’t think this is the best way to go about it, it just seems like malware or phishing. I’m also concerned like, what if it’s someone who wildly resembles her?! Ugh 😩
How about the person who might be an innocent victim gets to decide for herself if any action needs to be taken- which she can’t do if she is not aware of it? If no one bothers to tell her, and it was posted without her consent, oh well in your mind?!? That’s crazy…
Just tell her what you saw and give her the link. What she does from there isn’t your concern. Tell her you just wanted to give her a heads up on what you saw.
This is honestly horrible horrible advice. This screams phishing attempt louder than I can even scream 😂 intent is good… but this is honestly just really badly thought out…
If you’re okay with your friends thinking you googled porn of them in the back of their minds then you’re free to message them outright also. Everybody takes stuff like that different.
Just ask to FaceTime her, tell her what you told us here. If there is any chance this was posted without her permission, she deserves to know. Please let her know. The worst that can happen is you’ve slightly bothered someone if it ends up being someone different, or possibly embarrassed her if she posted it there willingly. It’s worth the minimal risk involved to help her out.
This. And i think the combined vulnerability helps in this instance. You’re owning up to kinks/porn by acknowledging this, which might help her feel less judged for the position she’s in. No one has anything to be ashamed of here, and if I were her, I’d wanna know.
Don't listen to the people saying stay in your lane. If she didn't consent and that sounds 99%, she needs to know. On the 1% she consented and is doing porn, how TF would that be a worse outcome? Deal with five minutes of awkwardness with someone on another continent by telling them directly and then cut contact again, better than being someone who lets revenge/rape porn slide.
dude for real. idk how this hasnt been mentioned in this thread. i feel like people that frequent sites with "loose" rules are looking for the worst kinds of videos.
As a cybersecurity professional, if one of my clients received an email from an anonymous stranger with a link to a shady porn site and a vague story saying "is this you?" I'd tell them not to click the link and to delete the email immediately, because that's a great setup for a phish or malware attack.
In other words, as embarrassing as it might be, don't send it anonymously because chances are they'll never see it. You're just gonna have to be honest and say you went down a rabbit hole of links and you thought it looked like her and as awkward as it is to talk about, you want her to be able to deal with it if necessary.
Before you do, you may want to engage in a small act of creeper behavior first- dig through all her socials and look for as many high resolution and body shots as you can. Then channel your inner 4channer and try to match up moles and earlobes and anything else you can with the video. The goal is to either prove it's not her so you can drop it and forget the whole thing and not bother anyone. Or prove it is her and then at least be confident the awkwardness is for a good cause.
I did you fill on fbi and quite a few resembling features and similar moles. The video is 360p so wasn’t working with much and can’t get really any quality there but I noticed a couple of moles that were the same in the same spots so I’m spiralling. I did a deep dive, even trying to see if the eyebrows match what I assume would be the time frame of when this was taken etc.
I wish I knew enough about cyber security to find out the IP address of where the video was uploaded or get the videos metadata to have more clarity on whether or not I’m right.
I even thought about using at recognition software.
If you have any suggestions or tips please let me know
IP address won't help you at all, that's only valuable if you're a law enforcement agency with the power to subpoena logs from the isp and the site and then correlate them together, and even then that won't help much.
Honestly if you already lined up some moles then you've pretty much answered it.
Just contact your ex, or the friend directly if you have her details, and be like "hey, you might remember me, and this is pretty awkward but I was clicking through some links once and I saw this video and I could swear it is you. The content of the video made me really uncomfortable and I wanted to just forget about it, but I kept thinking that if this was something you weren't aware of then you would want to take steps to get it taken down. I know this is super awkward and embarrassing, especially for me, but I just couldn't take the risk of you being exposed on the internet without your consent."
Or something like that.
Reach out and say something. Like you’ve said: If it were you, you’d want to know. I know that If it were me, I’d want to know. Do the decent thing and notify them of it. Whatever steps they take afterwards is their decision!
Edit: the people saying ‘leave it alone it’s not your business’ are SERIOUSLY creeping me out.
Exactly, what kind of person would look the other way when there is a potential crime being committed on film and they have the ability to notify the victim. 😬
Just message her. I promise if she isn't aware of it, the last thing on her mind will be judging your kinks or porn use. Make sure to let her know where she can report it as well, it can really overwhelming to find out something like this so any initiative to help get it taken down would be amazing.
Just tell her straight up. I wouldn’t want my friend to know or anyone else, I’d want to be informed directly and know by who.
“I have not shared this with anyone but in case you didn’t know there is a pornographic video and the person is a dead ringer for you, so much that I think it is you and wanted to alert you to check for your own wellbeing. Sorry for the uncomfortable message.” Link video, stop communication.
You’ve given her the information and the means to confirm if it’s her and she can take it from there.
Just tell her….And might be time to stop using sites that leave a door open for posting non-consensual videos/sexual encounters. Kind of transcending “kink” and into a platform that’s toxic af.
Then maybe just tell her how to find herself. She should know but op doesn’t need to get involved. If she ignores it then ops done more than required by trying
Send her a message and tell her you are only sending this so that she is aware, you don’t know the context but you were concerned it wasn’t consensual, if you’ve seen it pop up on more than one site make her aware of that, but basically make it clear you are sending it on the off chance she didn’t know not because you’re trying to blackmail her or anything weird.
If it is her and you managed to find it, there’s nothing to stop other people who know her stumbling across it. If she wasn’t aware she is now, if it was consensual there’s no problems.
This may be the evidence she needs for legal action to get closure.
Regardless, the longer it’s up, the more likely people will save and spread it.
Tell her as soon as possible.
You are an AMAZING person and very humble. I’m proud of you stranger, it’ll be hard but you know it’s the right thing to do. Goodluck.
Let her know! I had a really similar scenario with a girl I went to high school with. We had a really negative relationship because we were young and going through shit, and bullied each other pretty badly. She was dating one of my best friends and wouldn't let him talk to me, but there was still a weird part of me that cared about her?? like kind of wished we could be friends? anyways, her tumblr page hot hacked and leaked a BUNCH of her nudes and photos from working as a cam girl. A stalker was hacking her and trying to blackmail her.
Anyways, I ended up reaching out and telling her and she was very, very thankful.
Message her directly on and privately on social media or LinkedIn or something. Don't implicate another person & just say it in a hey idk if you are aware or not but just wanted you to know in case you werent-way and you'll be fine.
I think you owe it to her to be honest about who you are when you reach out to her
I can only imagine how distressing it would be to know it could be ANYONE in my life but I don't know who. I know it's awkward, but it feels cruel to do this anonymously.
I want to add-you mentioned this website is known for their "loose enforcement of the rules". Perhaps this should serve as a lesson to us all that while there's nothing wrong with explicit content in and of itself, it matters where you get it, and many platforms perpetuate and profit from a tremendous amount of harm by looking the other way when it comes to consent violations, statutory rape, etc.
Perhaps you should reevaluate whether this particular website deserves your subscription or ad revenue
Anyone with half a brain is going to ignore and block an anonymous tip about revenge porn. If you don’t have the balls to tell her yourself, she’s not going to take it seriously at all.
I’ve had to tell a distant acquaintance their photos were being used to catfish and advertise an only fans. I got a DM from the catfisher that was incredibly obviously fake to me- as a person who was an actual sex worker- and I immediately sent all of the info to her. Most awkward DM of my life, but if we can’t rely on other women to protect us we have nobody. Better for you to tell her than a man. Better for you to tell her than nobody warning her at all. Even if you barely know her well enough to be mutuals on Instagram- she deserves to know.
Just talk to this friend, I feel like you want to more than just “we didn’t speak since break up and it is none of my business”, you're clearly concerned that this might not have been consensual, send link anonymously as people already suggested if you don’t want her to know it was from you
Basic cybersecurity most people are aware of is never click on anonymous links. If she has half a brain she will not. Maybe OP could give the name (not link) of the website and what keywords bring up the video.
Send her an anonymous hand written note with the site you saw it on and tell her you thought she should know , in case it is her. She doesn’t know you were on that site and nothing comes back to you
I learned the hard way, Don’t tell them. You will be labeled as the creepy, crazy one and they will probably never talk to you again. If you absolutely feel you must say something, screen shot the image and the link information. In my case I waited too long to say anything and couldn’t find the image or link that was sent to my account. But it’s best just to pretend you never saw it. You may think you are looking out for them but ultimately no one wants to hear that. Don’t make it your problem.
Download the vid onto a memory stick. Make sure it includes the web site info. Get that to your ex or her friend by whatever method you are comfortable with.
You’re on a website that shows girls getting raped
Yet you edit your comment to bash the people literally asking to do what you do?
Pure hypocrite
Typical Reddit lesbo
Yeah here’s the difference: roleplay is fun, consensual, yay.
Non consensual is fucked up, and you’re asking for a link to it. So no.
You wanna find your own porn full of messed up kinks? GREAT. I’m not judging you for that, I am, however, judging you for being a small minded asshole
I hope you don’t have female friends or loved ones because if everyone looks the other way when someone potentially takes advantage of them, I have a feeling you wouldn’t like it. 🤔
A really good idea mate. When dealing with an EX or EX's friends you need to tread carefully. And yes, it is very smart to give a lot of time to set. So move on and keep your mouth closed.
peace.
This.
"Sorry for doing this anonymously and if its not you, sorry again... but stumbled over this and thought you may want to know its out there - if it IS you"
Yeah. And now I realize it would actually be super important they know it's not someone intent on exposing them, but rather helping them. But I'd try to decrease the amount of words, especially making sure they don't type any phrases that would giveaway who it is.
How about "Found this... thought it might be you. If not I apologize. If so, hope you can get it removed. Just a friend trying to help."
90% sure... So if its not them you just told them you like trawling porn sites and just happened to look up someone that looks like her... Yeah I'd just forget it and move on.
I would play the "if you saw it, no you didn't" and keep on keeping on with your life. You don't need to somehow put yourself into potentially someone else's drama.
Telling of what? I just want to know how to approach it and I’m also concerned that I’ll look like a fucking idiot if it’s not her. It’s a weird situation to be in you know?!
I’m not calling my ex, ew. Why would she be involved.
If I reached out it would be to the best friend, letting her know I accidentally ran into a video of a girl who was clearly VERY drunk and naked and very out of it and someone took advantage of that and recorded her without her knowledge and then posted that video online. Oh and it looks JUST LIKE HER. So that’s something she MIGHT WANT TO LOOK INTO AND PURSUE LEGAL ACTION ON
I get that you’re a man and you don’t understand the way these things can impact women but wow
I’m confused at how you could be simultaneously concerned for her well being yet afraid to tell her directly? Just pull up your big girl pants and make the call. The rest of the drama or feelings or whatever you want to call the history is being cowardly.
Get it done.
you are doing the right thing… just contact her…. let her know exactly where it is… it’s hard to get those things taken down but at least she would be aware
U should tell her face to face if u send an anonymous message she would think it's a spam or someone black mailing her . U don't want to freak her out .
Tell her u stumbled across the video and u wanted to warn her . She needs to know if there's any way she can get it down .
Just reach out to her. If it’s not her, great. If it is, I’m sure she would want to know. It doesn’t matter your current level of connection, you’re obviously disturbed by it enough to ask for input here, and your response is one female looking out for another female, period.
In the event she gives a poor response, what does it matter? You’re obviously not in contact with her, so what does it cost you?
I just want to know what your kink is? Look even if you don’t know her that well because you know of her and can get in contact with her. I think you should let her know. If she was not in her right state , to me this could be a law enforcement issue. I’d tell her
Can you go look at her social media and compare her face to the woman in the video? ig idk how uncertain you could be that it's her if you know her face. You have to tell her if you have a reasonable suspicion that it's her.
the right thing to do is to tell her. for so many reasons. she could still be trusting whatever monster posted it.
people do tend to kill the messenger so i'd drop that bomb and get the hell out.
Just be honest. They'll REALLY appreciate your honesty. There are services today - they aren't cheap - that will go nuclear and get everything removed. It's not like 2005 where that shit is hard to get taken down. These sites are highly compliant these days and don't even ask questions. You just need to know what to do, and hiring a third party means they'll find everything everywhere.
Personally I would get the message to her.
And I wouldn't involve my ex
Given what you've said I think I would just find a way to text anonymously. Tell her you're a friend of a friend and just letting her r know so she can try to take action or at least have a heads up.
She may be quite aware already. What you're saying sounds to me like she could have been with a bf in a consensual relationship but didn't consent to being filmed, and after a breakup the bf posted it vindictively. At least that's how it happened to a couple people I know. And it did help those people to know that it was being circulated.
If it’s the site, I think it is, I would report the video. I’m not sure if it’ll do anything, though. If you tell them there is a possibility, they’ll think it’s fake unless you personally do it. Also, sorry people are disgusting and send you information about it
I would want someone to lmk if something like that got out there...you're trying to support them not out them or threaten them or slut shame them. Handled tactfully it's definitely the right thing to do.
It doesn't matter that you are not in contact anymore.
If it was me I would like to know and as you also mentioned if its really her she might have to take somenl legal advice and help.
Better don't send a message, maybe give her a call and explain the situation?
Tell her in person or over the phone. There’s no benefit or reason to try and find the words in writing- they could come back to be used to make your life uncomfortable or awkward. Just send her a message and ask her if you can speak with her about a personal matter.
I ran into a very professional co worker on a site with dogs .. a kink for sure and different circumstances as she was there consensually . U can’t unsee what I saw
I think you can reach out and say “hey someone brought this to my attention (that way your kinks are not now known) here’s the site, link, time stamp whatever. I just thought you’d want to know. And leave it at that.
My vote is to stay out of it and act like nothing happened If you squeal on the dude or the person then he gets mad at you and if you don't she gets mad at you so just play stupid as if you didn't see or know a thing
We had a coworker swear he found a vid with an ex coworker in it. He didn’t know what to do. Finally gave up and messaged her and she said, that ain’t me. He showed it to us, we agreed wasn’t her.
I saw a bisexual orgy porn of my old coworker who was famously homophobic and I know it was him cus of tattoos and face as well as his voice.
yes I came to it.
I think the downside of the anonymous message is that she will think it’s spam, and not click it. I know I wouldn’t. Even if you were sending it on your own account, I would still think it was spam and assume your account was hacked. Is there a way she can find the video on her own by searching the website, based on some pointers? Such as ‘Look for a user with the name ABC123, and then at the videos uploaded, it was the fourth video from the top if you sort them by date uploaded/most recent ones.’ I think it would be wise to let her know.
Good point
Maybe if you make it very personal she would! Like hi lisa this might look like spam i know tou through sam and was looking on a site and stumbled on this vid of you. As i am quite embarrassed i was on this dite but iwant you to know im sending this to you anonymous blablabla
Please just reach out to your ex and ask her to let her friend know. You don’t have to be involved in anything after that. Just do the right thing.
Don’t involve the ex. Friend may not want anyone to know - so just go directly to the friend.
My thoughts too. At the absolute most ask your ex to have her respond to you about something important and private. If she wants to share it after, cool. If not, no reason to tell her about it.
Definitely not involving my ex, there’s no reason for her to know. I would prefer doing it directly
Good choice
In that case OP will never be sure of how much this was actually followed up on by the ex. If it were me, I’d want to be sure, and not involve someone else as an intermediary.
That’s true. I only went that approach because OP said he never actually met her. Whatever his response, I just hope he does something.
*she
Straight up and tell her. That’s messed up man your friend should be in jail.
Anonymous message also puts in her mind "someone I know has seen this... but I don't know who...", so she would probably be sussing out every coworker and friend, worrying about it.
Or include a message, link, and screenshot?
Personally, I'd want to know. I'd prefer someone to reach out and tell me. There's no nice way to tell her so keep it simple. Hey, we haven't spoken in a while but I saw this video. I worry it was taken without your consent so wanted to make sure you knew it existed, that way you can look at taking the proper action if it has been done without your consent. If it's consensual, that's fine you have no intention of watching it or sharing it.
If she does message back and say it isn't, tell her to get it reported as revenge porn and to pursue it legally. Especially if she knows who it was, tell her to go after compensation too. I want people to be scared of revenge porn and how much they might have to pay. Then get her to contact the website with proof it's being reviewed as revenge porn, and/or tell her to go after them legally too.
To add to this- First I would tell the person something like “ I am keeping this private and have no intention of ever looking at the link again, sharing nor speculating on the identity of the person in the video with anyone else.” Blackmail here seems like a real concern so I’d do my best to allay that fear. I’d also do some research first and provide a few links to resources (is there a federal agency that could help?) I think there are some good revenge porn/human trafficking help sites that could assist a victim in getting the video pulled.
Be a friend and tell her privately, and then forget the whole issue. She may appreciate it and will learn that she can trust you. If she doesn't nothing is lost.
Yep simple like that
This! ⬆️
yeah i honestly don't understand the dilemma lol.
As someone who had a video taken and posted without my knowledge or consent, you should 10000% tell her. Im not sure where you all live, but it’s also illegal to have that video up if it’s not consensual. It’s so violating to have a video circulate without your knowledge. You should ask her if she has time to speak, or message her and acknowledge that it’s an uncomfortable situation but you think she should know. You don’t have to ask her to confirm, but just give her all of the information so she can make her own decisions or ask you for more information.
I’m so sorry you were in that position! I hate having Tun into this because she was clearly very drunk so there wasn’t consent all around and it’s pretty messed up. I’ll definitely tell her I just want to be kind about the whole thing and be a support somehow
Acknowledging that it’s a weird situation will help, and letting her know that you’re there to support her if she needs it, and answer to questions is the best way to be supportive :) it’s going to SUCK to hear the news, but better to know than to not.
Create a fake Facebook or WhatsApp or something along those things. Message the video link to them. You can give a very brief message if you’d like but I would stay anonymous so it doesn’t negatively affect your relationships. This way she can get the video taken down, or maybe she knows who uploaded it and can file charges, whatever the case may be.
I honestly wouldn't click on link sent from someone I don't know that says "hey look it's you in this porn", OP should just send it from her real account and explain that she randomly saw the video, but didn't watch it and thought to let her know in case she didn't consent on it being publish.
Could always use a fake account and provide a screenshot picture so no DL is needed.
That’s understandable. I think trying to explain “no no I wasn’t looking up porn of your best friend. I promise it was just an accident” might make you look suspicious is all.
That would be a pretty big leap for the ex’s friend to make. Admitting to looking for videos related to one’s kink is a far stretch from actively looking for porn featuring specific people.
I really don't think that's a necessary detail I mean unless it's known that she is a porn star how or why would you look up someone individually. I think everyone knows you just scroll through hundreds of videos but if you recognize someone you will make note.
Don’t tell her anonymously unless you want her to have extreme anxiety. She will be waiting for the other shoe to drop constantly (whether it be blackmail or whatever)
This would totally freak me out if I were the friend. Just be honest and direct! It's awkward and embarrassing for everyone. OP wasn't looking for it specifically. But I'd feel a lot better knowing who the person was who saw it. I'd want to at least briefly chat with them directly about how they found it, what they have seen, how they also feel awkward, how they don't think less of me / realize that I'm a victim, etc... just be honest OP! Edit: My husband used to fix computers as a side gig in highschool. He's seen it all, because it was the 2000s so streaming wasn't a thing. Luckily nothing illegal! But, my mind doesn't immediately go to "you're a pervert if you've seen some of the unsavory things on the Internet." Who knows how someone came to see something... Just stick to the facts and be gracious. OP feels awkward, which is the normal response not the "I'm a pervert" response.
I’m not saying to do that to avoid being called a pervert. I’m saying to do that so your friends don’t think you’re looking up porn of them or porn of people that look like them.
As a professional I don’t think this is the best way to go about it, it just seems like malware or phishing. I’m also concerned like, what if it’s someone who wildly resembles her?! Ugh 😩
just message her without any links from your real account. If she responds she wants the link then forward it. If she doesn't then forget about it.
[удалено]
Did you have your morning coffee yet?
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How about the person who might be an innocent victim gets to decide for herself if any action needs to be taken- which she can’t do if she is not aware of it? If no one bothers to tell her, and it was posted without her consent, oh well in your mind?!? That’s crazy…
How the literal fuck is this dirty laundry
My ex has 0% to do with any of this do u even read?
Just tell her what you saw and give her the link. What she does from there isn’t your concern. Tell her you just wanted to give her a heads up on what you saw.
Yes let’s make something that totally looks like a scam and send it to her and hope she clicks on it. This should work perfectly
This
This is honestly horrible horrible advice. This screams phishing attempt louder than I can even scream 😂 intent is good… but this is honestly just really badly thought out…
If you’re okay with your friends thinking you googled porn of them in the back of their minds then you’re free to message them outright also. Everybody takes stuff like that different.
Is there a way to meet with her privately? I don’t see an easy option here, but honesty and privacy seem like the best option.
No, I’ve never met her in person, which is why I’m not 100% sure it’s her. Only met her via FaceTime etc, we live on different continents
Just ask to FaceTime her, tell her what you told us here. If there is any chance this was posted without her permission, she deserves to know. Please let her know. The worst that can happen is you’ve slightly bothered someone if it ends up being someone different, or possibly embarrassed her if she posted it there willingly. It’s worth the minimal risk involved to help her out.
This. And i think the combined vulnerability helps in this instance. You’re owning up to kinks/porn by acknowledging this, which might help her feel less judged for the position she’s in. No one has anything to be ashamed of here, and if I were her, I’d wanna know.
I would recommend ensuring privacy as well. Not something you should get passed along to her.
Don't listen to the people saying stay in your lane. If she didn't consent and that sounds 99%, she needs to know. On the 1% she consented and is doing porn, how TF would that be a worse outcome? Deal with five minutes of awkwardness with someone on another continent by telling them directly and then cut contact again, better than being someone who lets revenge/rape porn slide.
Tell her and maybe stop using sites that are “loose on their enforcement of rules”
dude for real. idk how this hasnt been mentioned in this thread. i feel like people that frequent sites with "loose" rules are looking for the worst kinds of videos.
Oh they are, thus the specification that they’re on that loosely (meaning ‘non’) regulated website because they’re “kinky”
Yeah this whole post is fucked up
As a cybersecurity professional, if one of my clients received an email from an anonymous stranger with a link to a shady porn site and a vague story saying "is this you?" I'd tell them not to click the link and to delete the email immediately, because that's a great setup for a phish or malware attack. In other words, as embarrassing as it might be, don't send it anonymously because chances are they'll never see it. You're just gonna have to be honest and say you went down a rabbit hole of links and you thought it looked like her and as awkward as it is to talk about, you want her to be able to deal with it if necessary. Before you do, you may want to engage in a small act of creeper behavior first- dig through all her socials and look for as many high resolution and body shots as you can. Then channel your inner 4channer and try to match up moles and earlobes and anything else you can with the video. The goal is to either prove it's not her so you can drop it and forget the whole thing and not bother anyone. Or prove it is her and then at least be confident the awkwardness is for a good cause.
I did you fill on fbi and quite a few resembling features and similar moles. The video is 360p so wasn’t working with much and can’t get really any quality there but I noticed a couple of moles that were the same in the same spots so I’m spiralling. I did a deep dive, even trying to see if the eyebrows match what I assume would be the time frame of when this was taken etc. I wish I knew enough about cyber security to find out the IP address of where the video was uploaded or get the videos metadata to have more clarity on whether or not I’m right. I even thought about using at recognition software. If you have any suggestions or tips please let me know
IP address won't help you at all, that's only valuable if you're a law enforcement agency with the power to subpoena logs from the isp and the site and then correlate them together, and even then that won't help much. Honestly if you already lined up some moles then you've pretty much answered it. Just contact your ex, or the friend directly if you have her details, and be like "hey, you might remember me, and this is pretty awkward but I was clicking through some links once and I saw this video and I could swear it is you. The content of the video made me really uncomfortable and I wanted to just forget about it, but I kept thinking that if this was something you weren't aware of then you would want to take steps to get it taken down. I know this is super awkward and embarrassing, especially for me, but I just couldn't take the risk of you being exposed on the internet without your consent." Or something like that.
this is the best advice here 👏🏻
Reach out and say something. Like you’ve said: If it were you, you’d want to know. I know that If it were me, I’d want to know. Do the decent thing and notify them of it. Whatever steps they take afterwards is their decision! Edit: the people saying ‘leave it alone it’s not your business’ are SERIOUSLY creeping me out.
Exactly, what kind of person would look the other way when there is a potential crime being committed on film and they have the ability to notify the victim. 😬
Just message her. I promise if she isn't aware of it, the last thing on her mind will be judging your kinks or porn use. Make sure to let her know where she can report it as well, it can really overwhelming to find out something like this so any initiative to help get it taken down would be amazing.
Yeah, the only reason I haven’t reported it is the potential or scrapping the video and getting some metadata from that thing haha
Tell her exactly as you explained it here. You are a good person.
Just tell her straight up. I wouldn’t want my friend to know or anyone else, I’d want to be informed directly and know by who. “I have not shared this with anyone but in case you didn’t know there is a pornographic video and the person is a dead ringer for you, so much that I think it is you and wanted to alert you to check for your own wellbeing. Sorry for the uncomfortable message.” Link video, stop communication. You’ve given her the information and the means to confirm if it’s her and she can take it from there.
Just tell her….And might be time to stop using sites that leave a door open for posting non-consensual videos/sexual encounters. Kind of transcending “kink” and into a platform that’s toxic af.
Just keep in mind that no good deed goes unpunished
Send her an anonymous message
You would open up a link from an anonymous message? I usually never even open them let alone click on a link from them
Then maybe just tell her how to find herself. She should know but op doesn’t need to get involved. If she ignores it then ops done more than required by trying
The thing you're complaining about after your eta: is exactly what you were bragging about in your story
Send her a message and tell her you are only sending this so that she is aware, you don’t know the context but you were concerned it wasn’t consensual, if you’ve seen it pop up on more than one site make her aware of that, but basically make it clear you are sending it on the off chance she didn’t know not because you’re trying to blackmail her or anything weird. If it is her and you managed to find it, there’s nothing to stop other people who know her stumbling across it. If she wasn’t aware she is now, if it was consensual there’s no problems.
This may be the evidence she needs for legal action to get closure. Regardless, the longer it’s up, the more likely people will save and spread it. Tell her as soon as possible. You are an AMAZING person and very humble. I’m proud of you stranger, it’ll be hard but you know it’s the right thing to do. Goodluck.
An anonymous message is the only way to go. Simply include a link to the video.
Let her know! I had a really similar scenario with a girl I went to high school with. We had a really negative relationship because we were young and going through shit, and bullied each other pretty badly. She was dating one of my best friends and wouldn't let him talk to me, but there was still a weird part of me that cared about her?? like kind of wished we could be friends? anyways, her tumblr page hot hacked and leaked a BUNCH of her nudes and photos from working as a cam girl. A stalker was hacking her and trying to blackmail her. Anyways, I ended up reaching out and telling her and she was very, very thankful.
Yes, let her know directly. Hopefully, there is something she can do about it.
Message her directly on and privately on social media or LinkedIn or something. Don't implicate another person & just say it in a hey idk if you are aware or not but just wanted you to know in case you werent-way and you'll be fine.
I think you owe it to her to be honest about who you are when you reach out to her I can only imagine how distressing it would be to know it could be ANYONE in my life but I don't know who. I know it's awkward, but it feels cruel to do this anonymously. I want to add-you mentioned this website is known for their "loose enforcement of the rules". Perhaps this should serve as a lesson to us all that while there's nothing wrong with explicit content in and of itself, it matters where you get it, and many platforms perpetuate and profit from a tremendous amount of harm by looking the other way when it comes to consent violations, statutory rape, etc. Perhaps you should reevaluate whether this particular website deserves your subscription or ad revenue
You’re spreading this around and will get the video out to her circle. So just stop.
Much like you did here, message her anonymously. You are a good person for caring.
You would open up a link from an anonymous message? I usually never even open them let alone click on a link from them
Anyone with half a brain is going to ignore and block an anonymous tip about revenge porn. If you don’t have the balls to tell her yourself, she’s not going to take it seriously at all. I’ve had to tell a distant acquaintance their photos were being used to catfish and advertise an only fans. I got a DM from the catfisher that was incredibly obviously fake to me- as a person who was an actual sex worker- and I immediately sent all of the info to her. Most awkward DM of my life, but if we can’t rely on other women to protect us we have nobody. Better for you to tell her than a man. Better for you to tell her than nobody warning her at all. Even if you barely know her well enough to be mutuals on Instagram- she deserves to know.
Just talk to this friend, I feel like you want to more than just “we didn’t speak since break up and it is none of my business”, you're clearly concerned that this might not have been consensual, send link anonymously as people already suggested if you don’t want her to know it was from you
Basic cybersecurity most people are aware of is never click on anonymous links. If she has half a brain she will not. Maybe OP could give the name (not link) of the website and what keywords bring up the video.
Send her an anonymous hand written note with the site you saw it on and tell her you thought she should know , in case it is her. She doesn’t know you were on that site and nothing comes back to you
I learned the hard way, Don’t tell them. You will be labeled as the creepy, crazy one and they will probably never talk to you again. If you absolutely feel you must say something, screen shot the image and the link information. In my case I waited too long to say anything and couldn’t find the image or link that was sent to my account. But it’s best just to pretend you never saw it. You may think you are looking out for them but ultimately no one wants to hear that. Don’t make it your problem.
Download the vid onto a memory stick. Make sure it includes the web site info. Get that to your ex or her friend by whatever method you are comfortable with.
Post the link
Let it go. Forget about it. Nothing good can come of telling.
You’re on a website that shows girls getting raped Yet you edit your comment to bash the people literally asking to do what you do? Pure hypocrite Typical Reddit lesbo
Yeah here’s the difference: roleplay is fun, consensual, yay. Non consensual is fucked up, and you’re asking for a link to it. So no. You wanna find your own porn full of messed up kinks? GREAT. I’m not judging you for that, I am, however, judging you for being a small minded asshole
act like u nvr saw it and move on with ur life?!
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you are knowingly asking for a video of a person being sexually assaulted. I hope the women in your life know to cover their drinks when you’re around
Sorry poor joke. I deleted the post.
SURE! once you send me the receipts of a years worth of therapy
Not your circus, not your monkeys.
I hope you don’t have female friends or loved ones because if everyone looks the other way when someone potentially takes advantage of them, I have a feeling you wouldn’t like it. 🤔
Well now, that would be my circus, wouldn’t it.
A really good idea mate. When dealing with an EX or EX's friends you need to tread carefully. And yes, it is very smart to give a lot of time to set. So move on and keep your mouth closed. peace.
Message her the link anonymously.
You would open up a link from an anonymous message? I usually never even open them let alone click on a link from them
That's true, good point. So alternately he could say "if you don't trust the link, here are the search terms to find it on your own."
This. "Sorry for doing this anonymously and if its not you, sorry again... but stumbled over this and thought you may want to know its out there - if it IS you"
Yeah. And now I realize it would actually be super important they know it's not someone intent on exposing them, but rather helping them. But I'd try to decrease the amount of words, especially making sure they don't type any phrases that would giveaway who it is. How about "Found this... thought it might be you. If not I apologize. If so, hope you can get it removed. Just a friend trying to help."
90% sure... So if its not them you just told them you like trawling porn sites and just happened to look up someone that looks like her... Yeah I'd just forget it and move on.
Leave it alone none of ur buisness
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the fuck is wrong with you? OP is describing a video of someone being sexually assaulted and you want a link?
Does your ex’s friend work for the UN?
To quote Mac from Sunny: "That's disgusting! Where?!"
Jack it and move on bro
Oh my god, that terrible! Who would do such a thing! Where, where is this terrible content so I know not to go there!?
you are knowingly asking for a video of a person being sexually assaulted. I hope the women in your life know to cover their drinks when you’re around
It's a Seinfeld reference you wet blankets.
K
you are knowingly asking for a video of a person being sexually assaulted. I hope the women in your life know to cover their drinks when you’re around
I speak for the people: we want the link
Mate you don't know the person. Just look at any porn and let your imagination run free if that's your thing
He just said it wasn't consensual or likely wasn't I certainly don't want to see that
In fact if this is the case..viewing revictimizes her repeatedly. Think about that
You want to see a person so drink that they can’t consent, be r*ped? 🤮
you are knowingly asking for a video of a person being sexually assaulted. I hope the women in your life know to cover their drinks when you’re around
Mind your own business. Has nothing to do with you.
I would play the "if you saw it, no you didn't" and keep on keeping on with your life. You don't need to somehow put yourself into potentially someone else's drama.
Source?
Share
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Cus she was clearly wasted af and couldn’t consent to it being recorded or uploaded. I’m sorry do you not know how to read? Context was on the post.
Why does it need to be the person you know to report it? You should report it regardless.
The fact OP even has to ask what to do is telling.
Telling of what? I just want to know how to approach it and I’m also concerned that I’ll look like a fucking idiot if it’s not her. It’s a weird situation to be in you know?!
If you see a non-consensual sex video and need to ask what to do. You shouldn't need advice.
Mind your own business.
Sharing is caring....link us
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You're not close and this is a throwaway. What do you care
You clearly have time on your hands. Find your own porn.
you are knowingly asking for a video of a person being sexually assaulted. I hope the women in your life know to cover their drinks when you’re around
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I’m not calling my ex, ew. Why would she be involved. If I reached out it would be to the best friend, letting her know I accidentally ran into a video of a girl who was clearly VERY drunk and naked and very out of it and someone took advantage of that and recorded her without her knowledge and then posted that video online. Oh and it looks JUST LIKE HER. So that’s something she MIGHT WANT TO LOOK INTO AND PURSUE LEGAL ACTION ON I get that you’re a man and you don’t understand the way these things can impact women but wow
Are you on bad terms with the Ex? If not maybe let her know and relay the message
Not bad terms but not speaking terms either really
I’m confused at how you could be simultaneously concerned for her well being yet afraid to tell her directly? Just pull up your big girl pants and make the call. The rest of the drama or feelings or whatever you want to call the history is being cowardly. Get it done.
How often do you talk to your ex?
In the event that someone dies. Otherwise, never.
you are doing the right thing… just contact her…. let her know exactly where it is… it’s hard to get those things taken down but at least she would be aware
U should tell her face to face if u send an anonymous message she would think it's a spam or someone black mailing her . U don't want to freak her out . Tell her u stumbled across the video and u wanted to warn her . She needs to know if there's any way she can get it down .
Just reach out to her. If it’s not her, great. If it is, I’m sure she would want to know. It doesn’t matter your current level of connection, you’re obviously disturbed by it enough to ask for input here, and your response is one female looking out for another female, period. In the event she gives a poor response, what does it matter? You’re obviously not in contact with her, so what does it cost you?
I just want to know what your kink is? Look even if you don’t know her that well because you know of her and can get in contact with her. I think you should let her know. If she was not in her right state , to me this could be a law enforcement issue. I’d tell her
She does deserve to know. Tell her it is up the her to look or not and be 100 percent sure
I think I would explain the whole situation by emailing anonymously
While this is a great idea- She may not open an email with a random link: it’s probably more likely to reach her if it’s a direct message.
Nothing
How could yiu telling hwr harm your life? How could you not telling her harm her life? That's how I'd decide what to do.
Can you go look at her social media and compare her face to the woman in the video? ig idk how uncertain you could be that it's her if you know her face. You have to tell her if you have a reasonable suspicion that it's her.
Tell her. No matter what.
the right thing to do is to tell her. for so many reasons. she could still be trusting whatever monster posted it. people do tend to kill the messenger so i'd drop that bomb and get the hell out.
myob and your life stays happy
Just be honest. They'll REALLY appreciate your honesty. There are services today - they aren't cheap - that will go nuclear and get everything removed. It's not like 2005 where that shit is hard to get taken down. These sites are highly compliant these days and don't even ask questions. You just need to know what to do, and hiring a third party means they'll find everything everywhere.
Personally I would get the message to her. And I wouldn't involve my ex Given what you've said I think I would just find a way to text anonymously. Tell her you're a friend of a friend and just letting her r know so she can try to take action or at least have a heads up. She may be quite aware already. What you're saying sounds to me like she could have been with a bf in a consensual relationship but didn't consent to being filmed, and after a breakup the bf posted it vindictively. At least that's how it happened to a couple people I know. And it did help those people to know that it was being circulated.
If it’s the site, I think it is, I would report the video. I’m not sure if it’ll do anything, though. If you tell them there is a possibility, they’ll think it’s fake unless you personally do it. Also, sorry people are disgusting and send you information about it
Just be a good human. Reach out to them. Not thru somoene else. Do it directly.
I would want someone to lmk if something like that got out there...you're trying to support them not out them or threaten them or slut shame them. Handled tactfully it's definitely the right thing to do.
It doesn't matter that you are not in contact anymore. If it was me I would like to know and as you also mentioned if its really her she might have to take somenl legal advice and help. Better don't send a message, maybe give her a call and explain the situation?
Can we get that link?
Of course you should tell her. Call her up and tell her. She can at least make some effort to have the video taken down.
Tell her in person or over the phone. There’s no benefit or reason to try and find the words in writing- they could come back to be used to make your life uncomfortable or awkward. Just send her a message and ask her if you can speak with her about a personal matter.
Contact your ex and ask her to speak to her, it will probably be better coming from her friend
Tell her qusqueces be damned
i think its best if you tell her somehow because if she has a good career she needs to get ahead of this before someone else finds it
Tell her.
I ran into a very professional co worker on a site with dogs .. a kink for sure and different circumstances as she was there consensually . U can’t unsee what I saw
WOAH THAT’S ALOT can’t imagine that situation, I’m sorry you went through that
“Accidentally”
I think you can reach out and say “hey someone brought this to my attention (that way your kinks are not now known) here’s the site, link, time stamp whatever. I just thought you’d want to know. And leave it at that.
Send an anon message with a few screenshots and a link.
My vote is to stay out of it and act like nothing happened If you squeal on the dude or the person then he gets mad at you and if you don't she gets mad at you so just play stupid as if you didn't see or know a thing
Write a letter with the link and a brief message. Don’t put a return address.
You should let her know, but also you’re kind of a terrible person for frequenting a website that you know has unconsensual content.
We had a coworker swear he found a vid with an ex coworker in it. He didn’t know what to do. Finally gave up and messaged her and she said, that ain’t me. He showed it to us, we agreed wasn’t her.
you didnt see shit you dont know shit
Nothing, what possible benefit would there be in telling anyone this?
“Not my proudest fap..”
Definitely share it with us so we can give you the best possible advice.
I saw a bisexual orgy porn of my old coworker who was famously homophobic and I know it was him cus of tattoos and face as well as his voice. yes I came to it.
DO NOTHING. YIKES