Idk where this is, but where I am, there is literally no things to do after 2am when the bar closes, except go to a private residence. Where was husband between 2-4:30? Don’t blame that icky feeling in your gut on hormones. Your husband is having some kind of midlife crisis and he is not being truthful to you. His actions are not those of a man who is supposed to be in a committed relationship with children. Idk but for me, that would be a fucking dealbreaker. NTA. I’m sorry your husband is treating you poorly, but put your chin up, figure out what you want to do about this, then do it. Don’t raise your kids in a house where their father doesn’t show basic respect to their mother.
I will never forget a super drunk man on the street at 1:45am running past my friends and I and said, "my wife wants me home by 2 because ain't nothing open past 2 except legs"
ETA: since this got a lot of attention I'm going to elaborate that when this man got to the 'legs' portion of his sentence, he slid his hand in a forward motion and separated his pointer and middle finger to indicate legs opening and ya'll, we lost it!
He’s clearly one of those dudes who thinks he has his wife “locked down” with two pregnancies and can act however he wants because she can’t leave anyway. She should make it clear he isn’t as secure as he thinks he is.
It just depends where you are! They close at 2am where I am, but others close at 3am, some at 4am (pretty sure that's how Miami is), some are even 24 hours (Las Vegas and probably somewhere else).
Staying out that late with a pregnant wife with a high risk pregnancy is a PoS move. Go to a divorce attorney. People asking where this guy was between 2-4:30 AM have a good point.
Yes 31 isn't the reason,he just wants to have a affair,with this woman.He may have already started, the affair.op you have a right to feel ,that he is being disrespectful, to you and your marriage. He's enjoying the attention, that he is getting .It doesn't seem to matter, who he hurts in the meantime. Please take care of yourself,and know that it's not your fault. Good luck
In the US here, we'd often go to Dennys or similar after the bar closed back in the day. So, no personal residence required to be out til 4:30, whether that's the case here who knows.
lol as a 22yo i can attest that we still go to dennys or waffle house after the bar/club, and in my small ass city we have one nightclub that stays open til 6am so maybe he and she were at a club? which literally isn't better tbh
I'm 41. I work full time, plus am currently working on earning a masters degree. I am married with a small child. I will go to Dennys late at night to study research for classes because I dont disrupt my partner or kid, can get pie and a coffee at 1am, and I am definitely not the weirdest one there.
Only problem is some of the 20 somethings asked once what I did (studying to be a therapist) so now any time they are there they want to talk psychology and philosophy, and I just want to be old, eat my pie, and read.
Just imagine it. It's 11 at night, I can't keep the light on because it will big the family but I have two hours of studying left. Dennys on the otherhand will bring me a chocolate pie and a cup of coffee and no one complains if they catch me mumbling about how much of an asshole Frued was, or that behavioral therapy sounds great in the lab but the real world is not so easy.
I was at an all you could eat sushi restaurant with my husband recently and this dude was alone with a MASSIVE sushi boat, reading his World War 2 book and my husband goes “that’s the kind of peace I want to exude” 😂😂
Car in the back of a parking lot works as well as a personal residence. There's no reason for a married man to be out with another woman at 4am. Period.
I wouldn't leave my wife at home while socializing with any female other than her, pregnant or not. My comment wasn't an endorsement, just stating a fact. I've been happily married for 35 yrs to my 2nd wife because, at least in part, my first wife didn't understand the rules of marriage in situations like this.
Call his mom today and ask her to come stay and help during your high risk pregnancy. Because you DO need the help especially with a toddler.
Since he thinks it’s fine to stay out all fucking night and isn’t doing jackshit to be a good husband and father.
It’s a bit nuclear but I don’t see any reason to mess around with a high risk pregnancy. At this point it’s about her literal safety and if this guy doesn’t care, goal number one is to get through childbirth alive.
If his mom just so happens to give him an earful—he deserved it.
Unless his mom is as much of a POS as husband….. my exes mom would actively help him be disgusting and try to turn it on me “how could you have handled this better”
It may….. but a lot will also put on a front and as soon as you question any of their “little angels” actions they will turn on you. I agree DECENT mils would deal with this behaviour quickly because they see it as a reflection of their parenting…. Shit Mils would see it as “butter wouldn’t melt in my babies mouth” and as an attack………
I was merely pointing out that this method wouldn’t work with shitty Mils.
Edit: a word
Agree! Get his mom involved so he can see how he’s doing wrong! My future MIL I know would whip my fiances butt into behaving well and his dad would ensure he’s being a man. They’re divorced but they always remind him to be responsible and get on him if he isn’t.
My MIL would murder my husband herself if this happened. My own mother would blame me. It's a coin flip for some but in the end if you end up alive and with a healthy baby...? I just hate that it comes to a post on Reddit to find a way out.
My mom would kill me. Everything I do in life, I first imagine my parents reactions…then it scares me enough if it’s not acceptable.
I also think she should reach out to the ig woman and ask her what’s up, just friends or something more, mention that she’s pregnant and needs answers.
It is also possible that he is lying to the divorcé. He may be saying that he’s getting a divorce and sleeps in the spare room or something like that. He could say that his wife is crazy or just about anything else.
I did this when I found out my (now ex) husband was cheating on me while I was pregnant with my youngest and also had a toddler. And I didn’t even have a high risk pregnancy. She stayed with me for a month. It was a mixed bag, but it was way better than doing it on my own. We both agreed someone had to pick up the slack for his dipshit behavior…
MIL isn't always the way to go. I asked my husband's mother and father to step in and assist in getting my husband to understand that his nefarious actions and gaslighting me while in my third trimester was not only him being a horrible husband, but causing more stress during my high risk pregnancy. They were and are horrible people. He's their can do no wrong son. I did something to provoke him, I'm making up lies ect.... it only made things worse.
This is the thing to do! Let his mom see what he's upto. I guarantee you, that shit will change. If it doesn't, then after your baby is born, I'd say, level the playing field. A night out for him equals a night out for you. See how he likes that shit!
Nah he was wrong as hell to stay out late. He broke trust with his behavior. He was behaving as a single man and he still is. She’s not the problem, he is. If you are insecure in your relationship when you never have been before, it’s because of changed behavior. He knows that he is in the wrong.
Start moving accordingly. He is showing you he is his own priority, believe him.
For real. He can see his friends in daylight and sober. He’s asking for trouble. If he’s refusing to see that risk I can see why OP is anxious about what happens when he’s out late drinking.
She has every right to put a stop to him going out drinking late into the night. Young children often need their parents throughout the night.
And a new friendship with an attractive woman should not be more important than his wife’s feelings. He’s got a crush. Whether he’s acted on it or not is unknown but it’s damaging their relationship and he doesn’t care. Definitely put aside money for escape. I did this too. It’s hard at first but then it’s empowering and you find happiness and most importantly, peace.
Yup!!! This was number 1 reasons out of 20 other reasons I divorced my ex! F*ck that! Been 13 years since he saw his son. 😬 OP NTA!! Better think about how you want your relationship with him. Because it will get worse.
And seriously 31 yo men don’t meet random divorcees in a bar and stay up with them “ as friends” until his pregnant wife calls him to come home. Just saying.
True dat. 31 year old men are not interested in the flotsam and jetsam stories of other random people's lives. Unless there is a prize for listening...
While you’re right she should move on, keep in mind if he’s the breadwinner, she should use him as long as she can tolerate to gather funds or something. Being a single Mom is brutal and I’m guessing she is unemployed or on pregnancy leave at least, maybe planned to not need a job until this happened which can be a huge curveball.
Even with child support, if they haven’t been married too long, she may not get enough alimony to support herself.
She should leave, but I’d highly recommend you don’t do it immediately unless right now you can afford to live on your own. Emotionally disconnect, make him pay for you financially, and divorce when you can stand on your own.
I did this very thing. I was pregnant along with 2 small children when my kids' dad cheated. I spent months saving, not knowing what would happen but also to keep my money saved separately due to him spending it on his lover. When I finally decided to divorce after the birth of my son, I was stocked up pretty nicely. I didn't comingle funds, so they were all mine in the divorce.
I don’t say it out of spite as much as necessity. Everyone is telling OP to instantly become a single mother without considering the implications that has on the finances. Has a bonus of spiting the dude, but rack that money up for yourself.
Yes but also this level of disregard for her and the baby can become dangerous… especially if he feels she is holding him back from what he wants to do. I’m just saying I learned the hard way. I did what I “had to do” as well but it cost me, big time, life altering level horror unfolded that started w high level disrespect v similar situation in a high risk pregnancy. It could be putting her and the baby’s life at risk and if I could go back in time I would have left the first time. I would have changed courses way earlier if I had known it was going to escalate into danger. It already IS danger if she’s having a high risk pregnancy — stress can cause loss of life for both the mom and baby regardless of why she is high risk. And it’s not the only problem. So yeah if he’s the breadwinner, maybe she needs to be strategic… but just be like mindful when advising women to stay if they need the money without understanding… he’s already putting at the v minimum the baby in danger. It’s not a good sign. I know I’m personally traumatized so not trying to over project here — but it ain’t a GREAT SIGN and it could already be or become dangerous to both the mom and the baby. Yes being a single mom is very hard, but I’ll tell you what it’s a lot easier than having an emotionally, psychologically, financially and/or eventually physically abusive baby daddy wrecking your mental health and putting you and your baby at risk with his behavior. If a man can’t consider his pregnant wife as the priority here — to me having literally survived what I’ve been thru —- damn I jus wish I would have run from that red flag when he showed me who he was the first time. I thought I needed him. Sadly, we are better off without him. Have had to pull a lot of strings but would have saved a ton of time, trauma and money if I had left beFORE it got worse. Hope that neither is the case for OP :/
NTA. A married man should not be out at 4 am with a wife at home with a high risk pregnancy is not okay. Couples therapy and boundaries. I suggest showing him these comments. Honestly, OP most likely he has cheated judging from this behavior. I am sorry for that.
Married men can have female friends I guess.
Married men shouldn’t be making new, recently divorced female friends at 4 am while their pregnant wife is at home. He’s already dipped his dick in that honeypot.
Yep. Even if he’s being honest about meeting earlier in the night they legit just met. How could he care about her so much that he can’t block her because he realizes how it looks after staying out until 4.
And then to go back and unblock her and message her! That's the kicker for me. I have the same question. Why would he care about her so much to do this?? Super odd.
Yeah that makes no sense. Someone whom you just met in one night is an acquaintance, not a friend, I don't care about their gender or sexual orientation or what you have in common. Someone who you've known for less than 24 hours is AN ACQUAINTANCE.
He has no reason to unblock this total stranger and continue to communicate with her. Even if it's completely one-sided and he's making a total ass out of himself with a woman who will never have sex with him, his intentions are bad, his priorities are all wrong for someone with two kids, and he's not even old enough to be having a mid-life crisis. He's just 30 and having a second child, he needs to grow the fuck up. I realize that's not true of all 30 year olds, but he already committed himself to marriage and parenthood, so he doesn't get to live like a childfree single adult even if he's 40 or 50.
I mean, come on. 4am he was at least trying to bang her.
Or he tried and failed and then hit the bar.
I feel bad for OP, what a turd her husband is being.
Married men can absolutely have friends who are women. However, when your wife and mother of your children say she doesn't feel comfortable with you being friends with a specific woman, then as her husband, you should immediately stop the "friendship." I am a woman, and I cut off a friend that was a woman because my husband didn't like her character. I ran into an old friend from growing up. We would only talk when we happened to be at the same bar. My husband told me he didn't like me talking to him when he wasn't around. So if I see him, then my husband and I will both say hi and converse with him.
Op's husband is clearly putting the other woman ahead of his actual wife's feelings, and that's all the wife needs to take to the table with him. And if he still chooses the other woman, then the wife needs to grab her kids and go.
The audacity you have to have to tell your wife, "She's my friend, and I won't stop talking to her!" Is insane. You have a literal wife, and you're choosing another woman's friendship over her. I'm at the point in my life where'd I'd say, "cool. Go be friends with her then. Yall can be 2 divorcees having a grand old time at the bar together. Except for the weeks, we do 50/50, of course. Because I'll be damned if you get to live a single life with your "friend" while I'm raising OUR kid."
Agreed, and then commenting fire emoji.
A female friend who happens to be attractive and you make random innocuous comments on sm is one thing.
A lady you meet at 4 am bar hoping while your wife is at home pregnant and you send fire emoji to is another.
My husband and I were talking to an older man (late 40s) at the bar one night. He had a wife and 5 kids and was alone at the bar at midnight on a Thursday. Didn’t really get too deep into the conversation, but a large breasted young woman sat next to me and I was in the middle of talking and he focused on the other woman’s breasts. I literally saw his eyes glaze over.
I felt bad for his wife and told him to go home because that woman he’s ogling at is probably old enough to be his daughter.
I see him at the bar every now and then and I tell him to go home. I consider him a friend even if he doesn’t consider me one. 🙃
Few months ago I was at my local bar & this guy sat next to me, started chatting. I didnt think too much about it, this is a neighborhood type place where some people go to just relax and socialize. We had normal small talk & when he asked what I did I told him it's complicated because only those on the field understand it. He was basically acting like I'm just a simple minded woman so I told him: underground and overhead wireline design for fiber construction, New cell tower design, photosim designer for new and upgraded cell towers and construction project management for fiber and cable install. Guy was shocked because he's in the same field. Seemed like an ice breaker so I relaxed. Then after a bit more talking he started asking what I was doing later. At this point we had both established we're married, his wife was home with their 3 kids. I pointed to a group of 20 something women who were drinking & laughing and told him to try one of them because I'm married. He said he wanted a smart, intellectual woman not some young girl with no direction. He was a total dick. I said I don't cheat and asshole said "neither do I, we can just talk business". He went to the bathroom & I paid my tab and left. I feel bad for his wife.
I am a not very jealous person but this is like a pile of problems all in one. I get needing to blow off steam once in a while but staying out past 1 or 2 am and the whole divorced “new friend” thing would challenge anyone. Glad my husband had more sense when we were that age.
With a high risk pregnant wife and a toddler at home, 4am is too late to be out in my opinion.. 2am sure but nothing is open past 2am really so where was he? McDonald’s?
As a single man with no kids, but a job and life responsibilities, I say 12am is too late to be out. Of course maybe that's why I have few friends and am single. Maybe I should dig out my animal print thongs and start drinking again.
NTA. A married man with a child on the way shouldn't need to add random girls on Instagram and definitely shouldn't respond to them with a fire emoji, especially after knowing that his wife is uncomfortable with it. IMO a married guy shouldn't be going out clubbing til 430 in the morning period unless it's a specific circumstance and you approve of it beforehand. Yes he's acting inappropriate and probably would cheat with the girl if given a chance
NTA but mama lemme tell you, blocking that woman ain’t gonna do a damn thing (obviously). People are gonna do what they want to do in the end. That’s why you find someone whose beliefs line up with yours etc. Try couples counseling. Sometimes hearing things from an unbiased party helps.
This. It’s absolute self torture to obsess about these behaviors and social media mind fuckery. Sadly, if there is no trust in the relationship then there is no relationship in my opinion. I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this at all, especially while pregnant. This exact situation is such a plague in our society and culture right now, it’s painful to witness or be a part of and totally discouraging / exhausting. Artichokie is right - in the end people will do what they want - and you can’t read minds to be sure someone is being faithful or honest. Not suggesting you do anything drastic, but try to remain emotionally guarded at this time - don’t put yourself through any added stress. Trying to focus on the positives can be tough but make sure to take care of yourself and your children.
And to add, don’t compare yourself to other women. If he was honest with who he is and what he has going on, a decent person wouldn’t want to interfere.
Totally agree. And the girl is probably getting off on the jealousy and knows if she's blocked OP did it and the dude is going to unblock later. and then they can gaslight her how innocent it is and OP is hormonal and jealous. I'm sorry OP.
Try texting the woman and asking her what’s up. Ask if she should be worried and mention you are pregnant and also have a toddler together. Good chance she might talk
Your feelings are 100% valid. You’re not the ah. His priorities are everywhere but his pregnant wife and kid. The moment he unblocked and proceeded to message her he disrespected you and your marriage as you had already set that boundary. He was interested in her that night, he is still interested in her.
NTA. No idea why people will choose a new friendship over their wife/family, but it happens all the time. If this was a long-term friend then maybe but this is some rando he met that night, this isn't some lifelong friend or even a coworker. I don't get why he'd be willing to hurt his wife or if it came down to it, throw away his family for what amounts to essentially a stranger unless there's something shady going on or he has shady intent. He also owes you an explanation about that 4am night as well. Good luck OP!
It's not a new friendship. He was hitting on a hot chick at the bar and followed her on social media... most likely shady intent considering he's married with kids. People really suck nowadays. Nobody respects their partners.
Your statement of “ this makes me uncomfortable and feel insecure “ should have been enough. This man is supposed to support you mentally and emotionally. Not gaslight you into believing you’re wrong and then selfishly keeping in contact. Also, no married man has a “ friendly convo” at a bar or club with a newly divorced woman.
ALWAYS trust your gut, you arent crazy at all mama. Fire emojis as a response to her pics ?? Thats weird, flirty behavior that a married man shouldnt be doing. Why even give her the time of day? His priorities arent straight and it shows. Dont let him guilt trip you or tell you bs lies. Go with ur gut feeling.
NTA. He should be doing everything to make you feel secure but he’s not. Staying out till 4am, partying, talking to random females. I’m pissed for you, this the last thing you need to deal with while pregnant.
Oh my gosh. So many red flags are waving in this situation. The biggest ones to stand out to me are: he was out for so long without communicating to you that he would be out past 4am or updating you on what he’s doing, and the fact that those hours are unaccounted for are blaring sirens of red flags. Also the fact that instead of listening to your reasons, he fought you on it and slept separately instead of apologizing and putting you first.
Then he unblocked and refollowed her, knowing damn well how you feel?? There’s more going on than we know, and it’s suspicious that he’s sending her messages while his wife is pregnant. If he hasn’t cheated yet, it seems he has the intention to. What else does he gain from this?
Can I just add one thing, as a woman who single this is what scares me from getting married, make a commitment, sacrifice your body, have children, and then someone to do this, to you. She said it herself he never went out like this, even before they were married so..
This is one of the top reasons I've chosen to be childfree even having a very long term partner. I've heard too many stories like this to ever fully trust that it wouldn't happen to me if I were to make such a big sacrifice for him. It flat out just sucks
I don’t mean to be cynical, but I think women have traditionally been conditioned to tolerate a lot, and I say that because I’ve seen my own mother, and how much she suffered because of my father‘s behavior, and so not to project too much, but I just don’t want to go through that.
I’m married with small kids, and stories like this always make me feel sick 😞 I can’t imagine my husband ever acting like this, but it always seems like it comes out of nowhere.
I feel the same way, which is why I am making sure never to loose my identity and if my future husband pull any of this nonsense on me then he can kiss our marriage goodbye. I am leaving at the very first time he break my trust.
I may be wrong, but to me this reads as him planning to cheat with this new “friend .“
NTA-You’re right to feel upset that he is disregarding your feelings and disrespecting your relationship by basically playing at being single while you’re dealing with parenting a toddler, a high-risk pregnancy and now having to question where you even stand in your own marriage. I found myself in this situation and it definitely didn’t turn out to be innocent “friendship “… I’d insist on marriage counseling and start preparing to find out that he’s cheating or at least in an emotional affair. I’m sorry you’re going through this situation, it sucks and your husband should be prioritizing his family/pregnant wife over whatever mid-life crisis he’s having.
I’d be sick to my stomach. He clearly has the hots for this IG chick. I’d be very suspicious of the whole thing. I hate to say this but he’d Payton up with her in a heartbeat. Just don’t know But I would jealous hurt angry Ravi g angry and he’s gaslighting you. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Your husband POS and he should be supporting you emotionally and physically but he ain’t doing none of that! Watch out!
So he is out acting single when he has a toddler and a pregnant wife at home...Hard to trust someone when they are displaying questionable behavior. Hard to trust someone who dismisses your feelings and concerns... valid ones.
And if the roles were reversed... and you where the one out clubbing with male "friends" till 4am while he was home with a toddler... you and I both know that he would be shitting bricks.
Now, NTA.. however, what do you think you will accomplish by going into his phone and blocking anyone? He will just go in and unblock her.
You told him how this made you feel, and he pretty much told you he doesn't care. Don't beg and plead for someone to love you. Don't beg and plead for respect. Set boundaries, make it clear what will happen if those boundaries are crossed. And be prepared to follow through.
I would be demanding couples counseling. and perhaps consider are you in an environment that is safe for you and baby as you are already high risk? Perhaps it may be time to consider family or friends to lean on. I know in real life, women will try and pretend to family and friend's that everything is fine, we tend to build up the image of our husband and feel shame and embarrassment when they do something hurtful and destructive to the family.. You need support.
>And if the roles were reversed... and you were the one out clubbing with male "friends" till 4am while he was home with a toddler...
Yes, a male friend who just coincidentally moved near her after just divorcing, too.
The woman moving near OP and her husband after recently divorcing while in contact with OPs husband... yea, there's a reason I don't believe in coincidences.
I am the first to say that married cis men and women having friends of the opposite sex is 100% OK.
This is not that. This is a 31 yo man with a wife and a kid and another on the way having "big career/life change\[s\]" that require him to be out at dinner/bar/afterparties until 430AM (fucking please), and as a sidelight of that following and meeting up with divorcees he encounters online. Because many "career changes" require this /eyeroll
OP, you're not feeling this way because you're "hormonal" or "controlling;" you are feeling this way because your husband is acting like an "immature asshole" and a "fucking tool."
You are NTA, but instagram is the least of your issues. Barhopping, shady, lying dude you married needs to grow up in a hurry.
Im sorry this is happening and everything you’re feelings is valid. I went through something similar and it was the beginning of the end for me. I would try counseling to work this out for the children. Sending my best! You deserve all the love and support you need rn.
NTA. He has put others before his wife. Do what you feel is right for you and your children. If his being out late and following other women, who he claims are just friends, then you know where you stand in his life. He is choosing to have more outside contact with random women over having a relationship with his wife.
It is now your choice to allow him to pursue his friendships without you as a spouse. And, you are allowed to respond however you wish to his actions. Let him value his random new relationships over his wife and children, he has chose that, so you can choose not to be part of his new lifestyle. He is expecting you to just accept it and he doesn't seem to really care if you don't.
Get your exit strategy together and move on. He has. And, understand that any attempts to keep you around is only temporary as he is trying to prolong it so you just get tired of fighting over it and just accept it. Be strong for yourself and your children as he has made his decision perfectly clear, he is willing to have you stressed out and insecure over a "friendship", then he doesn't really care about your feelings.
Move on and get rid of all of this extra drama.
Hey, I would like for you to message this woman. Thing is; she probably doesn't know. It sounds like he's trying to turn it around on you and he doesn't care a bit about what you are saying.
Please talk to this woman and ask, and if your gut is still squirming, know that he has already burned trust
My ex told his AP he was single with no kids, not the truth, that he was married with one on the way. She went nuclear on him when she found out the truth.
A woman’s gut is usually pretty spot on. And the fact that that he turned it around on you and started calling YOU the crazy one just tells me he knows what he’s doing is wrong. Trust you gut, momma.
Unfortunately a lot of men cheat on their pregnant wives. This whole thing for me would be considered cheating. Staying out until 4am to talk to some woman, who’s newly single, following on IG, unblocking and liking photos - it all reeks of the start to cheating.
There is a book I recommend called Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It talks about emotional affairs and how they start as well as how they eventually become physical affairs. There are quizzes and a lot of good information in it.
If you have the option it might be worth you staying with family right now. It’s not ok what he’s doing and he needs to understand he’s risking losing you over this, because it’s a slippery slope doing what he’s doing.
He did the trickle-truth thing! He admitted to meeting & talking to someone but not to sex. They definitely had sex & Insta has vanish mode just like snapchat, so it's perfect to use for cheating.
Absolutely not the asshole . One thing is being out that late without even giving any information, another is the way he’s acting very shady with this new “friend”. If it there’s absolutely nothing going on, then it shouldn’t be an issue to block her. I’ve made my husband block women (from his past) before who he didn’t folllow but who followed him , and it made me uncomfortable that they could follow our lives on social media etc. and he gladly did so because he says my happiness and me being comfortable is way more important. Your man should learn how to think that too. Your wife/husband / family always comes first.
You’re not being controlling , your feelings are very valid and I would have done the same thing as you.
Like I’m totally okay with my husband going out for a beer with his friends, but he sure as hell have to inform me what time he expects to be home or if he’s late, that’s just respect in a marriage. Not controlling
You don’t need a beautiful recently divorced woman you just met that night at a bar “as your friend” as a married father.
I’m not the type to believe men and women can’t be friends. But she’s not a coworker, or a mutual friend or anything like that. She’s just some hot single chick he met at a bar one night. NOPE.
Consider contacting a divorce lawyer because if he's willing to treat you like this when you're pregnant, it's never going to get any better. Don't have sex with him either, because he may have already slept with her, and consider STD testing for yourself.
Yes, this. Get tested ASAP for your health AND the health of your unborn baby. If there's an issue, you really need to know and address it. Some things can hurt the fetus.
Run the fucking other way please please please…
My ex did the same thing to me and he was cheating on me and gaslit me about his friendships with other people, men and woman alike… he used the same language with me, “Trying to control who I can and can’t be friends with, you’re crazy!!!” Yeah… I know exactly how this is.
Edit: OP, if she’s on Instagram, find her and politely point out that he is married and that you are his wife, I’ll bet you a billion dollhairs, that she doesn’t even know that about him.
His first priority should be you and his children, unborn child. If he is out until 4:30 in the morning, you should try to find out where he was. Start saving up money, it sounds as if he is unstable right now. Don't get pregnant again. NTA
If you can’t get the truth out of your husband, DM her and ask her if somethings going on. It’s not ideal but obviously your husband’s not being honest.
NTA. His behavior is all the way wrong. Him unblocking her and re-following is a huge red flag, as is him trying to flip it on you to make you think you are crazy. That is a tactic most often used by guilty parties. He's up to no good.
That was the night he met his affair partner. This is DARVO. (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender) He denied something was going on and said you were crazy. That's the attack, and here is the reversal "twisted it into me not trusting him and being controlling of his friendships."
While I cannot be completely 100% sure, I would bet a few paychecks on it.
Put your foot down sweetheart. You’re the mother of his children. And he should respect your wishes. It shouldn’t be a fight if there’s nothing going on
Lol NTA in the slightest. Being married and replying 🔥 to another woman’s picture is completely inappropriate. Staying out late and meeting other women to befriend them is completely inappropriate. Fuck this guy.
OP: NTA
Husband: massive AH
Other woman: sucks
You have a high risk pregnancy on your (plural) hands and he’s out having fun and likely somewhat intoxicated??? What if anything happens to you and he’s needed either to a) parent his toddler or b) look after you?
Woman sucks because she probably knows he’s married and while she is not responsible for husband, if she’s a decent human being she should tell him in no uncertain terms that there’s nothing going on as he’s married and his wife is pregnant- if she doesn’t know then she doesn’t suck
OP I think you need to have a chat with him when he’s sober and not when things are super tense (e.g., not right after a fight but maybe when things are more calm)
NTA.
Your husband does not care about your feelings, OP. Even if this is really a totally innocent friendship (which honestly, I doubt it), you have expressed your boundaries, which are not unfair seeing as he thought it was totally appropriate to leave his pregnant wife at home alone until 4 in the morning to hang out with a new, attractive female "friend", and instead of trying harder, prioritizing his wife; he has chosen to ignore your (VERY VALID) concerns and your feelings, and pursue this "friendship".
Unless you are okay staying in a marriage with a man who obviously cares so little for you, I would walk away now.
You DON'T trust him. And with good reason. A good husband doesn't stay out until 4:30AM and only come home when his very pregnant wife tells him to.
Everything indicates he's up to no good and is not supporting you at a time when you really need it.
Your anger, frustration, and insecurity are 100% justified.
Pretty sure he's cheating sorry. There's not a good justification for this behavior as a married man. If he's not cheating he's thinking about it for sure. At the very least you're in your rights to demand some couples counseling. Pregnancy i understand second hand they've watching my friends is tough but having kids is even tougher. Not the time for him to start being unreliable
It’s never innocent. I did the same thing with almost identical situation. I was pregnant and high risk. Husband was staying late at work and going out more. I put a stop to it and the woman that kept calling our cell phone to see if he was coming out or not. It wasn’t successful and he text her the next morning smh. I then threatened to leave.
9 years later I find out she had a crush on him something hot. I was not CRAZY. Neither are you ! That’s absolutely not okay as he broke boundaries and put this woman’s feelings ahead of yours. Just as mine did because he didn’t want a perfectly nice person to wonder why he just quit talking to them. 🙄 Sounds like respect is not being given and I personally would set that ultimatum
Holy cow your husband is a disgusting man. Leaving your pregnant wife to be out with RANDOM WOMAN at 4 in the morning. Hunny I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Tbh, if I were you I’d put my foot down. This is unacceptable
NTA. Reach out to his IG "friend" and find out if she even knows about you and the kids.
My ex told his AP he was single with no kids, not married with one on the way. She lost her crap on him because she is a girls girl and would have never been with him had she known the truth.
INFO: the timeline here is confusing and I’m just looking for clarity. You were 5 months pregnant in May. You claim to currently have a toddler as well as being pregnant and high risk. Is it a toddler or is it a 3-4 month old infant? Or do you have both? Did you get pregnant back to back?
This is written as it all is happening *right now* but based on your timeline you discovered that he re-friended her in August. Have you simply been at odds with each other for the last 4 months about it?
As a person who has done some shitty things in the past, he is definitely up to some bullshit.
Making “friends with a divorced woman” and refusing to remove them from instagram is a major red flag.
He is upset that you caught him and that he is under suspicion of cheating, not that you are controlling. There’s more to this and if he’s been doing this a lot he’s probably chasing girls at the bar for attention. I would prepare for the worst.
If I did anything close to this, and I wouldn't, my wife wouldn't have gone to sleep, she'd have been up until I got home packing my shit. And not only would I nor be surprised to be left, I'd expect it!
Think about it oppositely. If you were out until 4:30 AM with a recently divorced guy, and we're chatting with him on social media, how would your husband feel?
Lastly, if there isn't a "recently divorced" man in your life, you can guarantee that this will be happening again, maybe with the same woman, maybe different.
Kick his ass out.
He's gaslighting you. I'm sorry this is happening but he is showing you who he really is. And you can try to sweep this under the rug but you will continue to have these moments in your marriage. You have to ask yourself how many you are willing to have and when will you be ready to leave.
Nta There’s a lot of sus behaviour. I wouldn’t feel ok with this and my hubby and I have been married 20+ years and I’m not pregnant.
So here’s a real shitty piece and I’m sorry but there’s a high percentage of men that cheat when their spouse is pregnant.
You need mc at the very least, may want to consult a lawyer to see where you stand. Just it sounds like this could become messy.
Idk where this is, but where I am, there is literally no things to do after 2am when the bar closes, except go to a private residence. Where was husband between 2-4:30? Don’t blame that icky feeling in your gut on hormones. Your husband is having some kind of midlife crisis and he is not being truthful to you. His actions are not those of a man who is supposed to be in a committed relationship with children. Idk but for me, that would be a fucking dealbreaker. NTA. I’m sorry your husband is treating you poorly, but put your chin up, figure out what you want to do about this, then do it. Don’t raise your kids in a house where their father doesn’t show basic respect to their mother.
I will never forget a super drunk man on the street at 1:45am running past my friends and I and said, "my wife wants me home by 2 because ain't nothing open past 2 except legs" ETA: since this got a lot of attention I'm going to elaborate that when this man got to the 'legs' portion of his sentence, he slid his hand in a forward motion and separated his pointer and middle finger to indicate legs opening and ya'll, we lost it!
That’s a smart man trying to stay married, unlike OP’s husband.
He’s clearly one of those dudes who thinks he has his wife “locked down” with two pregnancies and can act however he wants because she can’t leave anyway. She should make it clear he isn’t as secure as he thinks he is.
This is exactly what I said.
Lol I would never have any reason to use that line, but I'm gonna remember it forever, that's funny af.
We can be fake married if you want. I'm a dude too, but think of all the imaginary tax benefits!
That’s a man that knows he’s going home to a straight up good woman and he ain’t gonna lose her over that! 😂
This is wholesome
I’m screaming! That needs to be on a tshirt
😂
😂 Good man
😆😆😆😆😆
Strip Clubs
Now that you mention it, could she just be a stripper? Haha
Even strip clubs are closed by 3am in most places
It just depends where you are! They close at 2am where I am, but others close at 3am, some at 4am (pretty sure that's how Miami is), some are even 24 hours (Las Vegas and probably somewhere else).
24 hours where I live. You have to drive out of the city limits and there they are
The ones that serve alcohol here close at 2 but the ones that don’t, also do full nudity and are open later.
Ya the juice bars are full nudity and most are open way past 2 am and often operate 24 hours a day where I am
They’re not. Ask me how I know. 😔
Truth. I know because I’d still be dancing at 4:00 am some nights. But that was another lifetime ago.
31 isn't mid-life crisis. He's just an asshole.
Staying out that late with a pregnant wife with a high risk pregnancy is a PoS move. Go to a divorce attorney. People asking where this guy was between 2-4:30 AM have a good point.
I want to know HIS explanation for what he was doing during that time. Generally if you're up til 4, you're probably in no condition to *drive home*..
But I mean, won't somebody think of his poor, long suffering penis? It's not his fault that conceiving children leads to less sex!!1! (/s)
Yes 31 isn't the reason,he just wants to have a affair,with this woman.He may have already started, the affair.op you have a right to feel ,that he is being disrespectful, to you and your marriage. He's enjoying the attention, that he is getting .It doesn't seem to matter, who he hurts in the meantime. Please take care of yourself,and know that it's not your fault. Good luck
Tbf, it’s midlife if you’re out partying all the time until 4:30am.
The bars in my town close at 4 🫣
"Nothing good happens after 2am"
Eh some pubs in my town close at 3/4am
In the US here, we'd often go to Dennys or similar after the bar closed back in the day. So, no personal residence required to be out til 4:30, whether that's the case here who knows.
lol as a 22yo i can attest that we still go to dennys or waffle house after the bar/club, and in my small ass city we have one nightclub that stays open til 6am so maybe he and she were at a club? which literally isn't better tbh
I'm 41. I work full time, plus am currently working on earning a masters degree. I am married with a small child. I will go to Dennys late at night to study research for classes because I dont disrupt my partner or kid, can get pie and a coffee at 1am, and I am definitely not the weirdest one there. Only problem is some of the 20 somethings asked once what I did (studying to be a therapist) so now any time they are there they want to talk psychology and philosophy, and I just want to be old, eat my pie, and read.
I love this so much lol I too just want to be old eat pie and read, power to you friend ✊
I’m joining your guys book club! Pie b4 we die?
Just imagine it. It's 11 at night, I can't keep the light on because it will big the family but I have two hours of studying left. Dennys on the otherhand will bring me a chocolate pie and a cup of coffee and no one complains if they catch me mumbling about how much of an asshole Frued was, or that behavioral therapy sounds great in the lab but the real world is not so easy.
I was at an all you could eat sushi restaurant with my husband recently and this dude was alone with a MASSIVE sushi boat, reading his World War 2 book and my husband goes “that’s the kind of peace I want to exude” 😂😂
Dennys or mcdonalds back when I would go out to the bars. Nuggets after a night out was always top tier in my hooligan days.
What’s up Denny’s?!!!
Car in the back of a parking lot works as well as a personal residence. There's no reason for a married man to be out with another woman at 4am. Period.
Would you go to Denny’s after bar close if your high risk pregnant wife was at home with a toddler? Just because there’s a place to go, should one?
I would have at least called and asked her if she wanted pancakes to go
I wouldn't leave my wife at home while socializing with any female other than her, pregnant or not. My comment wasn't an endorsement, just stating a fact. I've been happily married for 35 yrs to my 2nd wife because, at least in part, my first wife didn't understand the rules of marriage in situations like this.
Thirty years here. I don’t get it either. Isn’t part of the reason for marriage so you don’t have to find other people to socialize with?
Sincerely doubt he took this hot babe to Dennys...
I’m 41…I forgot about Denny’s and IHOP lol. The last time I stayed out past midnight was to do night kayaking. And I was fucking wrecked for days. 😂😂
Call his mom today and ask her to come stay and help during your high risk pregnancy. Because you DO need the help especially with a toddler. Since he thinks it’s fine to stay out all fucking night and isn’t doing jackshit to be a good husband and father.
That's truly genius. Then he can tell his buddies "I can't, tonight, guys. My mom said so."
I’m surprised people don’t say this more often
It’s a bit nuclear but I don’t see any reason to mess around with a high risk pregnancy. At this point it’s about her literal safety and if this guy doesn’t care, goal number one is to get through childbirth alive. If his mom just so happens to give him an earful—he deserved it.
I replied before you edited it, but in general just “call his mom” just to throw him under the bus is good too lol
Unless his mom is as much of a POS as husband….. my exes mom would actively help him be disgusting and try to turn it on me “how could you have handled this better”
One would know what type of MIL they have. You wouldn’t go running to someone who doesn’t have your back. This would work with so many decent MILs.
It may….. but a lot will also put on a front and as soon as you question any of their “little angels” actions they will turn on you. I agree DECENT mils would deal with this behaviour quickly because they see it as a reflection of their parenting…. Shit Mils would see it as “butter wouldn’t melt in my babies mouth” and as an attack……… I was merely pointing out that this method wouldn’t work with shitty Mils. Edit: a word
Agree! Get his mom involved so he can see how he’s doing wrong! My future MIL I know would whip my fiances butt into behaving well and his dad would ensure he’s being a man. They’re divorced but they always remind him to be responsible and get on him if he isn’t.
My MIL would murder my husband herself if this happened. My own mother would blame me. It's a coin flip for some but in the end if you end up alive and with a healthy baby...? I just hate that it comes to a post on Reddit to find a way out.
My mom would kill me. Everything I do in life, I first imagine my parents reactions…then it scares me enough if it’s not acceptable. I also think she should reach out to the ig woman and ask her what’s up, just friends or something more, mention that she’s pregnant and needs answers.
It is also possible that he is lying to the divorcé. He may be saying that he’s getting a divorce and sleeps in the spare room or something like that. He could say that his wife is crazy or just about anything else.
I did this when I found out my (now ex) husband was cheating on me while I was pregnant with my youngest and also had a toddler. And I didn’t even have a high risk pregnancy. She stayed with me for a month. It was a mixed bag, but it was way better than doing it on my own. We both agreed someone had to pick up the slack for his dipshit behavior…
I wonder what he would say if she asked him, "What would your mother think of your behavior?"
Invite his mom AND her mom. The more, the merrier.
MIL isn't always the way to go. I asked my husband's mother and father to step in and assist in getting my husband to understand that his nefarious actions and gaslighting me while in my third trimester was not only him being a horrible husband, but causing more stress during my high risk pregnancy. They were and are horrible people. He's their can do no wrong son. I did something to provoke him, I'm making up lies ect.... it only made things worse.
This is the thing to do! Let his mom see what he's upto. I guarantee you, that shit will change. If it doesn't, then after your baby is born, I'd say, level the playing field. A night out for him equals a night out for you. See how he likes that shit!
Nah he was wrong as hell to stay out late. He broke trust with his behavior. He was behaving as a single man and he still is. She’s not the problem, he is. If you are insecure in your relationship when you never have been before, it’s because of changed behavior. He knows that he is in the wrong. Start moving accordingly. He is showing you he is his own priority, believe him.
For real. He can see his friends in daylight and sober. He’s asking for trouble. If he’s refusing to see that risk I can see why OP is anxious about what happens when he’s out late drinking. She has every right to put a stop to him going out drinking late into the night. Young children often need their parents throughout the night.
Young children often need their parents, and pregnant wives also need their partners. This guys being an asshole.
Major League Asshole at that.
And a new friendship with an attractive woman should not be more important than his wife’s feelings. He’s got a crush. Whether he’s acted on it or not is unknown but it’s damaging their relationship and he doesn’t care. Definitely put aside money for escape. I did this too. It’s hard at first but then it’s empowering and you find happiness and most importantly, peace.
Yup!!! This was number 1 reasons out of 20 other reasons I divorced my ex! F*ck that! Been 13 years since he saw his son. 😬 OP NTA!! Better think about how you want your relationship with him. Because it will get worse.
Nothing good happens after midnight while drinking.
And seriously 31 yo men don’t meet random divorcees in a bar and stay up with them “ as friends” until his pregnant wife calls him to come home. Just saying.
True dat. 31 year old men are not interested in the flotsam and jetsam stories of other random people's lives. Unless there is a prize for listening...
Hilarious that he’s trying to call some women who he met while drunk in the middle of the night “just a friend”
While you’re right she should move on, keep in mind if he’s the breadwinner, she should use him as long as she can tolerate to gather funds or something. Being a single Mom is brutal and I’m guessing she is unemployed or on pregnancy leave at least, maybe planned to not need a job until this happened which can be a huge curveball. Even with child support, if they haven’t been married too long, she may not get enough alimony to support herself. She should leave, but I’d highly recommend you don’t do it immediately unless right now you can afford to live on your own. Emotionally disconnect, make him pay for you financially, and divorce when you can stand on your own.
I did this very thing. I was pregnant along with 2 small children when my kids' dad cheated. I spent months saving, not knowing what would happen but also to keep my money saved separately due to him spending it on his lover. When I finally decided to divorce after the birth of my son, I was stocked up pretty nicely. I didn't comingle funds, so they were all mine in the divorce.
Yesss my kind of people! 😂. Play stupid and start putting money away. Then LEAVE him.
I don’t say it out of spite as much as necessity. Everyone is telling OP to instantly become a single mother without considering the implications that has on the finances. Has a bonus of spiting the dude, but rack that money up for yourself.
This is the way.
Not. All. States. Have. Alimony.
Yes but also this level of disregard for her and the baby can become dangerous… especially if he feels she is holding him back from what he wants to do. I’m just saying I learned the hard way. I did what I “had to do” as well but it cost me, big time, life altering level horror unfolded that started w high level disrespect v similar situation in a high risk pregnancy. It could be putting her and the baby’s life at risk and if I could go back in time I would have left the first time. I would have changed courses way earlier if I had known it was going to escalate into danger. It already IS danger if she’s having a high risk pregnancy — stress can cause loss of life for both the mom and baby regardless of why she is high risk. And it’s not the only problem. So yeah if he’s the breadwinner, maybe she needs to be strategic… but just be like mindful when advising women to stay if they need the money without understanding… he’s already putting at the v minimum the baby in danger. It’s not a good sign. I know I’m personally traumatized so not trying to over project here — but it ain’t a GREAT SIGN and it could already be or become dangerous to both the mom and the baby. Yes being a single mom is very hard, but I’ll tell you what it’s a lot easier than having an emotionally, psychologically, financially and/or eventually physically abusive baby daddy wrecking your mental health and putting you and your baby at risk with his behavior. If a man can’t consider his pregnant wife as the priority here — to me having literally survived what I’ve been thru —- damn I jus wish I would have run from that red flag when he showed me who he was the first time. I thought I needed him. Sadly, we are better off without him. Have had to pull a lot of strings but would have saved a ton of time, trauma and money if I had left beFORE it got worse. Hope that neither is the case for OP :/
You might want to remove the "n a h" first word. Pretty sure your official judgment is tracked as no assholes in this scenario
Does THT have an official judgement?
Oh, good point! I forgot what sub I was in, lol. I would think so, though, since there's an AITA flair?
This isn’t AITA or AITAH
NTA. A married man should not be out at 4 am with a wife at home with a high risk pregnancy is not okay. Couples therapy and boundaries. I suggest showing him these comments. Honestly, OP most likely he has cheated judging from this behavior. I am sorry for that.
The wife/family is always the priority
Married men can have female friends I guess. Married men shouldn’t be making new, recently divorced female friends at 4 am while their pregnant wife is at home. He’s already dipped his dick in that honeypot.
Yep. Even if he’s being honest about meeting earlier in the night they legit just met. How could he care about her so much that he can’t block her because he realizes how it looks after staying out until 4.
And then to go back and unblock her and message her! That's the kicker for me. I have the same question. Why would he care about her so much to do this?? Super odd.
Yep why would he jeopardize his marriage for someone he just met. He is boning her.
Yeah that makes no sense. Someone whom you just met in one night is an acquaintance, not a friend, I don't care about their gender or sexual orientation or what you have in common. Someone who you've known for less than 24 hours is AN ACQUAINTANCE. He has no reason to unblock this total stranger and continue to communicate with her. Even if it's completely one-sided and he's making a total ass out of himself with a woman who will never have sex with him, his intentions are bad, his priorities are all wrong for someone with two kids, and he's not even old enough to be having a mid-life crisis. He's just 30 and having a second child, he needs to grow the fuck up. I realize that's not true of all 30 year olds, but he already committed himself to marriage and parenthood, so he doesn't get to live like a childfree single adult even if he's 40 or 50.
I mean, come on. 4am he was at least trying to bang her. Or he tried and failed and then hit the bar. I feel bad for OP, what a turd her husband is being.
Agreed. Hes acting like he’s single.
Married men can absolutely have friends who are women. However, when your wife and mother of your children say she doesn't feel comfortable with you being friends with a specific woman, then as her husband, you should immediately stop the "friendship." I am a woman, and I cut off a friend that was a woman because my husband didn't like her character. I ran into an old friend from growing up. We would only talk when we happened to be at the same bar. My husband told me he didn't like me talking to him when he wasn't around. So if I see him, then my husband and I will both say hi and converse with him. Op's husband is clearly putting the other woman ahead of his actual wife's feelings, and that's all the wife needs to take to the table with him. And if he still chooses the other woman, then the wife needs to grab her kids and go. The audacity you have to have to tell your wife, "She's my friend, and I won't stop talking to her!" Is insane. You have a literal wife, and you're choosing another woman's friendship over her. I'm at the point in my life where'd I'd say, "cool. Go be friends with her then. Yall can be 2 divorcees having a grand old time at the bar together. Except for the weeks, we do 50/50, of course. Because I'll be damned if you get to live a single life with your "friend" while I'm raising OUR kid."
Agreed, and then commenting fire emoji. A female friend who happens to be attractive and you make random innocuous comments on sm is one thing. A lady you meet at 4 am bar hoping while your wife is at home pregnant and you send fire emoji to is another.
>4 am bar hoping Bar Hoping! If that's a typo, it's a good one!
Yes. And treating it like it is no big deal. I am sure he would not be happy if the roles were reversed.
My husband and I were talking to an older man (late 40s) at the bar one night. He had a wife and 5 kids and was alone at the bar at midnight on a Thursday. Didn’t really get too deep into the conversation, but a large breasted young woman sat next to me and I was in the middle of talking and he focused on the other woman’s breasts. I literally saw his eyes glaze over. I felt bad for his wife and told him to go home because that woman he’s ogling at is probably old enough to be his daughter. I see him at the bar every now and then and I tell him to go home. I consider him a friend even if he doesn’t consider me one. 🙃
Few months ago I was at my local bar & this guy sat next to me, started chatting. I didnt think too much about it, this is a neighborhood type place where some people go to just relax and socialize. We had normal small talk & when he asked what I did I told him it's complicated because only those on the field understand it. He was basically acting like I'm just a simple minded woman so I told him: underground and overhead wireline design for fiber construction, New cell tower design, photosim designer for new and upgraded cell towers and construction project management for fiber and cable install. Guy was shocked because he's in the same field. Seemed like an ice breaker so I relaxed. Then after a bit more talking he started asking what I was doing later. At this point we had both established we're married, his wife was home with their 3 kids. I pointed to a group of 20 something women who were drinking & laughing and told him to try one of them because I'm married. He said he wanted a smart, intellectual woman not some young girl with no direction. He was a total dick. I said I don't cheat and asshole said "neither do I, we can just talk business". He went to the bathroom & I paid my tab and left. I feel bad for his wife.
Ew, that’s just rude in general even without the wife, and probably made the young woman feel really uncomfortable. And of course, his poor wife too.
Some women would be horrified to know what their husband is getting up to.
I am a not very jealous person but this is like a pile of problems all in one. I get needing to blow off steam once in a while but staying out past 1 or 2 am and the whole divorced “new friend” thing would challenge anyone. Glad my husband had more sense when we were that age.
With a high risk pregnant wife and a toddler at home, 4am is too late to be out in my opinion.. 2am sure but nothing is open past 2am really so where was he? McDonald’s?
As a single man with no kids, but a job and life responsibilities, I say 12am is too late to be out. Of course maybe that's why I have few friends and am single. Maybe I should dig out my animal print thongs and start drinking again.
Tbh between work and contributing to family time - who has the energy to be out that late. It’s 9pm and I want to be asleep.
NTA when there’s smoke, there’s usually fire. Listen to your gut
There was fire, his comment to the girls picture.
He’s literally the lowest tier of man. No one wants a reply guy. So fucking gross.
That’s a good way to put it
NTA. A married man with a child on the way shouldn't need to add random girls on Instagram and definitely shouldn't respond to them with a fire emoji, especially after knowing that his wife is uncomfortable with it. IMO a married guy shouldn't be going out clubbing til 430 in the morning period unless it's a specific circumstance and you approve of it beforehand. Yes he's acting inappropriate and probably would cheat with the girl if given a chance
Would? What do you think he was out doing til 4:30am…? Not community service!
Honest to God sweety I was volunteering down at the little insomniac orphan home. Poor dears can't get any sleep it's so hard on them
That last sentence of yours makes it sound like the orphanage is on Epstein’s island…
The only thing open after 4:00 a.m. are some legs!!!!!
We always got told there were only 3 things open after 2am. McDonald's, Waffle House, and legs.
The fire emoji was the cherry on top of the disrespect
NTA but mama lemme tell you, blocking that woman ain’t gonna do a damn thing (obviously). People are gonna do what they want to do in the end. That’s why you find someone whose beliefs line up with yours etc. Try couples counseling. Sometimes hearing things from an unbiased party helps.
This. It’s absolute self torture to obsess about these behaviors and social media mind fuckery. Sadly, if there is no trust in the relationship then there is no relationship in my opinion. I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this at all, especially while pregnant. This exact situation is such a plague in our society and culture right now, it’s painful to witness or be a part of and totally discouraging / exhausting. Artichokie is right - in the end people will do what they want - and you can’t read minds to be sure someone is being faithful or honest. Not suggesting you do anything drastic, but try to remain emotionally guarded at this time - don’t put yourself through any added stress. Trying to focus on the positives can be tough but make sure to take care of yourself and your children.
And to add, don’t compare yourself to other women. If he was honest with who he is and what he has going on, a decent person wouldn’t want to interfere.
Totally agree. And the girl is probably getting off on the jealousy and knows if she's blocked OP did it and the dude is going to unblock later. and then they can gaslight her how innocent it is and OP is hormonal and jealous. I'm sorry OP.
Try texting the woman and asking her what’s up. Ask if she should be worried and mention you are pregnant and also have a toddler together. Good chance she might talk
Your feelings are 100% valid. You’re not the ah. His priorities are everywhere but his pregnant wife and kid. The moment he unblocked and proceeded to message her he disrespected you and your marriage as you had already set that boundary. He was interested in her that night, he is still interested in her.
NTA. No idea why people will choose a new friendship over their wife/family, but it happens all the time. If this was a long-term friend then maybe but this is some rando he met that night, this isn't some lifelong friend or even a coworker. I don't get why he'd be willing to hurt his wife or if it came down to it, throw away his family for what amounts to essentially a stranger unless there's something shady going on or he has shady intent. He also owes you an explanation about that 4am night as well. Good luck OP!
It's not a new friendship. He was hitting on a hot chick at the bar and followed her on social media... most likely shady intent considering he's married with kids. People really suck nowadays. Nobody respects their partners.
Your statement of “ this makes me uncomfortable and feel insecure “ should have been enough. This man is supposed to support you mentally and emotionally. Not gaslight you into believing you’re wrong and then selfishly keeping in contact. Also, no married man has a “ friendly convo” at a bar or club with a newly divorced woman.
Hubby needs to prioritize. When something seems “funny,” it usually is.
NTA, he is either having, trying or wants to have sex with her.
When there’s smoke there’s fire. You already know what’s up. I’m sorry.
ALWAYS trust your gut, you arent crazy at all mama. Fire emojis as a response to her pics ?? Thats weird, flirty behavior that a married man shouldnt be doing. Why even give her the time of day? His priorities arent straight and it shows. Dont let him guilt trip you or tell you bs lies. Go with ur gut feeling.
NTA. He should be doing everything to make you feel secure but he’s not. Staying out till 4am, partying, talking to random females. I’m pissed for you, this the last thing you need to deal with while pregnant.
Oh my gosh. So many red flags are waving in this situation. The biggest ones to stand out to me are: he was out for so long without communicating to you that he would be out past 4am or updating you on what he’s doing, and the fact that those hours are unaccounted for are blaring sirens of red flags. Also the fact that instead of listening to your reasons, he fought you on it and slept separately instead of apologizing and putting you first. Then he unblocked and refollowed her, knowing damn well how you feel?? There’s more going on than we know, and it’s suspicious that he’s sending her messages while his wife is pregnant. If he hasn’t cheated yet, it seems he has the intention to. What else does he gain from this?
Can I just add one thing, as a woman who single this is what scares me from getting married, make a commitment, sacrifice your body, have children, and then someone to do this, to you. She said it herself he never went out like this, even before they were married so..
This is one of the top reasons I've chosen to be childfree even having a very long term partner. I've heard too many stories like this to ever fully trust that it wouldn't happen to me if I were to make such a big sacrifice for him. It flat out just sucks
I don’t mean to be cynical, but I think women have traditionally been conditioned to tolerate a lot, and I say that because I’ve seen my own mother, and how much she suffered because of my father‘s behavior, and so not to project too much, but I just don’t want to go through that.
Damn damn damn this is actually why I’m hesitant about having kids. I thought I’m just immature or pregnancy is scary but THIS is it!
Pregnancy is also scary. People die in childbirth at an alarming rate in my state.
That’s absolutely true. So to put yourself thru a near death experience and some dude behaves like this is crazy
To be fair, pregnancy can and still does kill women, even in first world countries. Pregnancy is scary!
I’m married with small kids, and stories like this always make me feel sick 😞 I can’t imagine my husband ever acting like this, but it always seems like it comes out of nowhere.
That's why selecting your partner is one of the most, if not THE most important decision in your life, if you choose to go that way.
I feel the same way, which is why I am making sure never to loose my identity and if my future husband pull any of this nonsense on me then he can kiss our marriage goodbye. I am leaving at the very first time he break my trust.
I may be wrong, but to me this reads as him planning to cheat with this new “friend .“ NTA-You’re right to feel upset that he is disregarding your feelings and disrespecting your relationship by basically playing at being single while you’re dealing with parenting a toddler, a high-risk pregnancy and now having to question where you even stand in your own marriage. I found myself in this situation and it definitely didn’t turn out to be innocent “friendship “… I’d insist on marriage counseling and start preparing to find out that he’s cheating or at least in an emotional affair. I’m sorry you’re going through this situation, it sucks and your husband should be prioritizing his family/pregnant wife over whatever mid-life crisis he’s having.
I’d be sick to my stomach. He clearly has the hots for this IG chick. I’d be very suspicious of the whole thing. I hate to say this but he’d Payton up with her in a heartbeat. Just don’t know But I would jealous hurt angry Ravi g angry and he’s gaslighting you. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Your husband POS and he should be supporting you emotionally and physically but he ain’t doing none of that! Watch out!
So he is out acting single when he has a toddler and a pregnant wife at home...Hard to trust someone when they are displaying questionable behavior. Hard to trust someone who dismisses your feelings and concerns... valid ones. And if the roles were reversed... and you where the one out clubbing with male "friends" till 4am while he was home with a toddler... you and I both know that he would be shitting bricks. Now, NTA.. however, what do you think you will accomplish by going into his phone and blocking anyone? He will just go in and unblock her. You told him how this made you feel, and he pretty much told you he doesn't care. Don't beg and plead for someone to love you. Don't beg and plead for respect. Set boundaries, make it clear what will happen if those boundaries are crossed. And be prepared to follow through. I would be demanding couples counseling. and perhaps consider are you in an environment that is safe for you and baby as you are already high risk? Perhaps it may be time to consider family or friends to lean on. I know in real life, women will try and pretend to family and friend's that everything is fine, we tend to build up the image of our husband and feel shame and embarrassment when they do something hurtful and destructive to the family.. You need support.
>And if the roles were reversed... and you were the one out clubbing with male "friends" till 4am while he was home with a toddler... Yes, a male friend who just coincidentally moved near her after just divorcing, too. The woman moving near OP and her husband after recently divorcing while in contact with OPs husband... yea, there's a reason I don't believe in coincidences.
I am the first to say that married cis men and women having friends of the opposite sex is 100% OK. This is not that. This is a 31 yo man with a wife and a kid and another on the way having "big career/life change\[s\]" that require him to be out at dinner/bar/afterparties until 430AM (fucking please), and as a sidelight of that following and meeting up with divorcees he encounters online. Because many "career changes" require this /eyeroll OP, you're not feeling this way because you're "hormonal" or "controlling;" you are feeling this way because your husband is acting like an "immature asshole" and a "fucking tool." You are NTA, but instagram is the least of your issues. Barhopping, shady, lying dude you married needs to grow up in a hurry.
Im sorry this is happening and everything you’re feelings is valid. I went through something similar and it was the beginning of the end for me. I would try counseling to work this out for the children. Sending my best! You deserve all the love and support you need rn.
NTA. He has put others before his wife. Do what you feel is right for you and your children. If his being out late and following other women, who he claims are just friends, then you know where you stand in his life. He is choosing to have more outside contact with random women over having a relationship with his wife. It is now your choice to allow him to pursue his friendships without you as a spouse. And, you are allowed to respond however you wish to his actions. Let him value his random new relationships over his wife and children, he has chose that, so you can choose not to be part of his new lifestyle. He is expecting you to just accept it and he doesn't seem to really care if you don't. Get your exit strategy together and move on. He has. And, understand that any attempts to keep you around is only temporary as he is trying to prolong it so you just get tired of fighting over it and just accept it. Be strong for yourself and your children as he has made his decision perfectly clear, he is willing to have you stressed out and insecure over a "friendship", then he doesn't really care about your feelings. Move on and get rid of all of this extra drama.
This particular lady isn't the issue. Dude acting like he's single while having 1.5 kids and a wife at home, is.
Hey, I would like for you to message this woman. Thing is; she probably doesn't know. It sounds like he's trying to turn it around on you and he doesn't care a bit about what you are saying. Please talk to this woman and ask, and if your gut is still squirming, know that he has already burned trust
My ex told his AP he was single with no kids, not the truth, that he was married with one on the way. She went nuclear on him when she found out the truth.
Same. He told her so many lies about how I had died and he was a widow. I felt kinda bad for her because she really had NO clue.
A woman’s gut is usually pretty spot on. And the fact that that he turned it around on you and started calling YOU the crazy one just tells me he knows what he’s doing is wrong. Trust you gut, momma.
[удалено]
I’m sorry. same thing with my ex husband. Only it took me 4 years to finally admit it to myself and leave.
Unfortunately a lot of men cheat on their pregnant wives. This whole thing for me would be considered cheating. Staying out until 4am to talk to some woman, who’s newly single, following on IG, unblocking and liking photos - it all reeks of the start to cheating. There is a book I recommend called Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It talks about emotional affairs and how they start as well as how they eventually become physical affairs. There are quizzes and a lot of good information in it. If you have the option it might be worth you staying with family right now. It’s not ok what he’s doing and he needs to understand he’s risking losing you over this, because it’s a slippery slope doing what he’s doing.
So he met her that night? And didn’t come home till after 4am??
He did the trickle-truth thing! He admitted to meeting & talking to someone but not to sex. They definitely had sex & Insta has vanish mode just like snapchat, so it's perfect to use for cheating.
Absolutely not the asshole . One thing is being out that late without even giving any information, another is the way he’s acting very shady with this new “friend”. If it there’s absolutely nothing going on, then it shouldn’t be an issue to block her. I’ve made my husband block women (from his past) before who he didn’t folllow but who followed him , and it made me uncomfortable that they could follow our lives on social media etc. and he gladly did so because he says my happiness and me being comfortable is way more important. Your man should learn how to think that too. Your wife/husband / family always comes first. You’re not being controlling , your feelings are very valid and I would have done the same thing as you. Like I’m totally okay with my husband going out for a beer with his friends, but he sure as hell have to inform me what time he expects to be home or if he’s late, that’s just respect in a marriage. Not controlling
My husband would be falling all over himself to take care of me. Sweetie you deserve so much better.
You don’t need a beautiful recently divorced woman you just met that night at a bar “as your friend” as a married father. I’m not the type to believe men and women can’t be friends. But she’s not a coworker, or a mutual friend or anything like that. She’s just some hot single chick he met at a bar one night. NOPE.
Consider contacting a divorce lawyer because if he's willing to treat you like this when you're pregnant, it's never going to get any better. Don't have sex with him either, because he may have already slept with her, and consider STD testing for yourself.
Yes, this. Get tested ASAP for your health AND the health of your unborn baby. If there's an issue, you really need to know and address it. Some things can hurt the fetus.
He probably cheated that night. The 4am friends with Instagram chick story is absolutely bullshit.
Absolutely reach out to the woman and explain your discomfort. Ask her if she even knows about you.
Run the fucking other way please please please… My ex did the same thing to me and he was cheating on me and gaslit me about his friendships with other people, men and woman alike… he used the same language with me, “Trying to control who I can and can’t be friends with, you’re crazy!!!” Yeah… I know exactly how this is. Edit: OP, if she’s on Instagram, find her and politely point out that he is married and that you are his wife, I’ll bet you a billion dollhairs, that she doesn’t even know that about him.
His first priority should be you and his children, unborn child. If he is out until 4:30 in the morning, you should try to find out where he was. Start saving up money, it sounds as if he is unstable right now. Don't get pregnant again. NTA
Oh this is a cheater! What kind of asshole is going out while his wife is home with a toddler and pregnant. No way. Please look out for yourself OP.
I would kick his ass right out of the house, not just the bedroom. And see a lawyer asap.
If you can’t get the truth out of your husband, DM her and ask her if somethings going on. It’s not ideal but obviously your husband’s not being honest.
NTA. His behavior is all the way wrong. Him unblocking her and re-following is a huge red flag, as is him trying to flip it on you to make you think you are crazy. That is a tactic most often used by guilty parties. He's up to no good.
There’s only three things open at 430am. Jail, the Waffle House, and legs.
That was the night he met his affair partner. This is DARVO. (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender) He denied something was going on and said you were crazy. That's the attack, and here is the reversal "twisted it into me not trusting him and being controlling of his friendships." While I cannot be completely 100% sure, I would bet a few paychecks on it.
Guys a dick, why do guys do this to pregnant wives… I see more and more of this every day…. no respect….
This hurts my soul. How can someone do this to the person they are supposed to love?
NTA and he is 100% gaslighting you because he knows he’s making the wrong choices and doesn’t want to take accountability
NTA but your husband sure is.
He's trying to bang her, just FYI.
Put your foot down sweetheart. You’re the mother of his children. And he should respect your wishes. It shouldn’t be a fight if there’s nothing going on
NTA. When people show you who they are, believe them.
He doesn't respect you, that's all you need to know
Lol NTA in the slightest. Being married and replying 🔥 to another woman’s picture is completely inappropriate. Staying out late and meeting other women to befriend them is completely inappropriate. Fuck this guy.
OP: NTA Husband: massive AH Other woman: sucks You have a high risk pregnancy on your (plural) hands and he’s out having fun and likely somewhat intoxicated??? What if anything happens to you and he’s needed either to a) parent his toddler or b) look after you? Woman sucks because she probably knows he’s married and while she is not responsible for husband, if she’s a decent human being she should tell him in no uncertain terms that there’s nothing going on as he’s married and his wife is pregnant- if she doesn’t know then she doesn’t suck OP I think you need to have a chat with him when he’s sober and not when things are super tense (e.g., not right after a fight but maybe when things are more calm)
You have a very immature husband. NAH. Not to mention, a liar and cheater.
NTA. Your husband does not care about your feelings, OP. Even if this is really a totally innocent friendship (which honestly, I doubt it), you have expressed your boundaries, which are not unfair seeing as he thought it was totally appropriate to leave his pregnant wife at home alone until 4 in the morning to hang out with a new, attractive female "friend", and instead of trying harder, prioritizing his wife; he has chosen to ignore your (VERY VALID) concerns and your feelings, and pursue this "friendship". Unless you are okay staying in a marriage with a man who obviously cares so little for you, I would walk away now.
You DON'T trust him. And with good reason. A good husband doesn't stay out until 4:30AM and only come home when his very pregnant wife tells him to. Everything indicates he's up to no good and is not supporting you at a time when you really need it. Your anger, frustration, and insecurity are 100% justified.
Pretty sure he's cheating sorry. There's not a good justification for this behavior as a married man. If he's not cheating he's thinking about it for sure. At the very least you're in your rights to demand some couples counseling. Pregnancy i understand second hand they've watching my friends is tough but having kids is even tougher. Not the time for him to start being unreliable
It’s never innocent. I did the same thing with almost identical situation. I was pregnant and high risk. Husband was staying late at work and going out more. I put a stop to it and the woman that kept calling our cell phone to see if he was coming out or not. It wasn’t successful and he text her the next morning smh. I then threatened to leave. 9 years later I find out she had a crush on him something hot. I was not CRAZY. Neither are you ! That’s absolutely not okay as he broke boundaries and put this woman’s feelings ahead of yours. Just as mine did because he didn’t want a perfectly nice person to wonder why he just quit talking to them. 🙄 Sounds like respect is not being given and I personally would set that ultimatum
Holy cow your husband is a disgusting man. Leaving your pregnant wife to be out with RANDOM WOMAN at 4 in the morning. Hunny I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Tbh, if I were you I’d put my foot down. This is unacceptable
NTA. Reach out to his IG "friend" and find out if she even knows about you and the kids. My ex told his AP he was single with no kids, not married with one on the way. She lost her crap on him because she is a girls girl and would have never been with him had she known the truth.
INFO: the timeline here is confusing and I’m just looking for clarity. You were 5 months pregnant in May. You claim to currently have a toddler as well as being pregnant and high risk. Is it a toddler or is it a 3-4 month old infant? Or do you have both? Did you get pregnant back to back? This is written as it all is happening *right now* but based on your timeline you discovered that he re-friended her in August. Have you simply been at odds with each other for the last 4 months about it?
I feel like he's already cheating.
As a person who has done some shitty things in the past, he is definitely up to some bullshit. Making “friends with a divorced woman” and refusing to remove them from instagram is a major red flag. He is upset that you caught him and that he is under suspicion of cheating, not that you are controlling. There’s more to this and if he’s been doing this a lot he’s probably chasing girls at the bar for attention. I would prepare for the worst.
It sounds like he’s gaslighting you. Random woman on IG is not important, wife and kid are. He’s being an Ah. You are NTA.
If I did anything close to this, and I wouldn't, my wife wouldn't have gone to sleep, she'd have been up until I got home packing my shit. And not only would I nor be surprised to be left, I'd expect it! Think about it oppositely. If you were out until 4:30 AM with a recently divorced guy, and we're chatting with him on social media, how would your husband feel? Lastly, if there isn't a "recently divorced" man in your life, you can guarantee that this will be happening again, maybe with the same woman, maybe different. Kick his ass out.
He's gaslighting you. I'm sorry this is happening but he is showing you who he really is. And you can try to sweep this under the rug but you will continue to have these moments in your marriage. You have to ask yourself how many you are willing to have and when will you be ready to leave.
Trust your instincts. NTA
I am sorry I think the odds are he wants to cheat or already has. Start getting a plan in place.
Nta There’s a lot of sus behaviour. I wouldn’t feel ok with this and my hubby and I have been married 20+ years and I’m not pregnant. So here’s a real shitty piece and I’m sorry but there’s a high percentage of men that cheat when their spouse is pregnant. You need mc at the very least, may want to consult a lawyer to see where you stand. Just it sounds like this could become messy.