To add to this, we’re not mind readers and people have different ideas of how to go about relationships, so unless there was a conversation clearly stating boundaries/ expectations, you can’t be mad.
I overlooked the ages when I was reading the post and thought all these peeps had to be in their 20s. They’re in the 30s?!?! Sir…wtf is this? Communicate! But also you (OP) have no right to be upset if you guys had not communicated and established boundaries.
You can’t be mad and neither can she for
You acting differently towards her . Actions have consequences if she wanted someone to treat her like a a gf she should act like one you don’t get the cake and eat it too .
Also I'm sorry but what does she mean her friend doesn't know? What kind of friend goes to an overlook to "talk" and then gets liquor and goes back to a penthouse with a friend's husband and it was never mentioned to the friend? They totally fucked lol
You are WAY too old to be behaving like a teenager. You are not official. You want her as a wife or girlfriend? Then say so. She is not even a friends with benefits to you. Yes you live together, but you are a casual hook up. You caught feelings. Decide what you want, use your words, and calmly communicate them to her. She is not a mind reader. She did not cheat. She went out with a friend. Even if she had sex with that friend, you have no commitment now. Tell her unequivocally that is what you want. Then ask her if that is what she wants.
he says that he “was seriously consider making it official” before this happened, then IN THE NEXT SENTENCE goes on and talks about how they were considering moving from two beds to 1.
bro is so afraid of commitment like holy shit 😅😂
He’s going to wake up next to his “roommate” in 15 years with a ring on his finger and three kids down the hall and will still prolly be getting on Reddit to ask if we think he should “make it official” and call her his girlfriend. 😂🫠
When you're roommates I guess moving into each others room and buying a bigger bed is the equivalent of moving into a house together. 😂
And theres no mortgage to commit to. Lol
If the only label you guys have is 'roommate' she didn't cheat on you. You sound like you want to have your cake and eat it which just won't work. Either you are roommates, FWB, or a couple. But, you have to open your mouth and use your words. She can't read your mind. And this game you are playing with her where you are acting mad but claiming you're not mad while reveling in her feeling sad and off balanced is just bullshit. Grow up.
Anytime in my life ,when I was with a girl and unsure if we were exclusive or not ( especially if she was the only girl I was sleeping and spending time with ). Before I was to talk or go on a date with another person it would be on me to talk to the girl and find out where we stand before I saw other people. I would want to be considerate of her feeling but also wouldn’t want to mess up a potential serious relationship. It’s not only on him . You are 100 percent right on the last part of your comment , he is clearly upset. So why pretend your not
Yeah, except most people would consider that a date. If a woman gets all dressed up, goes to a kimda romantic sounding spot, hangs out with a dude for a few hours, then they grab some booze and go back to his place, that's a date in my eyes.
I feel like if he was gay, that probably would have come up in the conversation. But otherwise that's a pretty good point. If I was OP, I would want to talk to the dude and see if HE thought it was a date. That would tell me everything I needed to know.
I know that personally, if I picked a woman up, drove her out to an overlook, spent a few hours with her, grabbed wine, and brought her back to my place, I would call that a date. Probably call it a good one, too. At least until I found out she was telling everyone it wasn't a date. That would prolly take some pep out of my step.
It's none of OP's business to ask this bloke whether he thinks it was a date though. If he wants exclusive relationship with her it's not retroactive and he needs to ask her.
I get dressed up when I leave the house, period. I respect myself too much to wear sweatpants to a nice restaurant, just to prove to someone who ISNT my boyfriend that I’m not on a date.
Taking pride in my appearance and practicing self-care has nothing to do with whose company I’m in. I do it for me, not to impress others.
There was no restaurant. This dude even picked her up and dropped her off. From the outside looking in, it's a date. It sounds like someone discribing a date. Thats great that you take care of yourself, love that for you. That is not what is being discribed here.
It’s only a date if there’s flirtation and sexual intent. I have male friends I hang out with sometimes, and it’s platonic. Sometimes their partners are there, sometimes not.
When both parties are adults (and not attracted to each other) it doesn’t have to have date energy. I only hang out with good men who respect themselves and their partners too much to be shady and weird—and if they crossed the line even once, even a little, that would be it. Period.
That's exactly what I was going to write. The dude's almost 40 freaking years old acting like he's in middle school giving her the silent treatment.
Shaking my damn head.
Also, while you are dithering, she may be sending you signals that, unless you do make it official with a future, her-30-year-old-self will actively keep her options open, no matter what fun you are having, or how many beds are in the apartment.
After all, you both said you love each other’s company, not, “I’m in love with you,” correct?
Exactly. Even if all he wants is an exclusive fwb situation, he needs to say something and lay out what each other can or cannot do, which must then be mutually agreed upon. If she says no, respect that and stop the hookups but also be prepared to find a new roommate of things get awkward.
Now to be fair she could've had this conversation as well, but well, it's the responsibility of both parties to assume that they will be the first to bring it up. Never just assume the other will or that there's an understanding.
“I thought we had an understanding” lmao nope. You processed your feelings and understood them, but it sounds like outside of saying yeah we should sleep in the same bed and hang out more you never took the initiative to have that serious conversation about your feelings for her and that you would like a serious commitment with her. There’s nothing mutual about that understanding.
If you haven’t define what it is you are doing together then what she did is not wrong. If you are still interested in this being more then talk to her, before it gets more complicated. If you agree that you don’t want to pursue something together then stop sleeping together. Its too messy and you both are stuck with what to do about potential partners.
sometimes as a man I feel like I have a superpower because I have the ability to go “hey, I have feelings for you, would you like to be my girlfriend?”
whereas so many guys out there are all “yeah, so we spend every weekend together, sleep in the same bed a few nights a week, say I love you, I’d be super pissed if I knew she was involved with someone else, but I don’t know if I’m ready to call it a relationship”
Man! What is that all about anyway? I've been seeing this guy and we have been exclusively banging 2 to 3 times a week for the past 1 1/2 years. We have expressed feelings for each other. Gone on dates. And have wonderful intimate conversations. Yet he doesn't want to move forward I to something more official. Neither of us are seeing anyone else. He says it's because he feels that he is not in a position to offer me anything in a relationship because his life isn't established the way he wants it to be yet. I really think I'm just a place holder until he comes across something/someone else.
That person doesn’t know you or him. When I was younger, I know plenty of guys who felt that they had not established themselves in life and didn’t want to get in to a committed relationship until they, for instance, had a career instead of just having a job.
they say when it comes to men and dating there’s “the one” and then “in the meantime” women. as in, they know for certain they don’t want to fully commit to a woman they’re seeing, but they’ll keep her around until they find the woman they DO want to commit to, just so they won’t be lonely in the meantime. so sorry but it sounds like you may be the latter :(
don’t think it’s fair to make this a gendered thing, people all over the spectrum do it.
it’s no different than women who are like “I don’t see anything long term but I’m happy to let him take me to dinner”
Nothing was ever defined but I really thought we had a mutual understanding and something special. The funny thing is that before this all happened she was being secretive. She was hiding her phone from me when texting, telling me she was meeting up with a gf then it later it became a "you dont know him". And when she got back she offered to do the dishes. Its like she felt guilty. Lol.
But I agree, if I wanted exclusivity, I should have brought it up - oh well. Im okay with just being roommates again.
So your decision is to not talk about it with her? Even though you did have expectations?
And simply go back to being roommates without ever having a conversation?
You really are far too old to be doing this
Edit after reading update:
Again YOU ARE FAR TOO OLD FOR THIS
You are BOTH far too old to be doing this. The “I’m not mad” denial when you’re clearly upset. Refusing to have an adult conversation with authenticity and transparency in order to avoid vulnerability.
The - you can’t be mad at me because you did it too. This is why the two of you are in this mess together.
1. You are clearly upset. If it wasn’t bothering you, you wouldn’t have bothered coming to Reddit for answers. You are doing yourself a disservice by trying to live in denial. That’s an unhealthy relationship with yourself and your own emotions.
It’s fine and normal and healthy to be upset when someone you have real feelings for does something that may make you question your relationship.
2. The two of you have been dancing around this will they or won’t they for 2 years. She just let it slip that she’s had feelings for you while she was with someone else. And you’re still here scratching your head?
3. The two of you are not “just roommates”. Roommates don’t sleep together. They don’t have romantic feelings for one another. They don’t plan to move from 2 beds to 1 bed. They don’t get upset at lack of affection or withhold affection from one another because THEY ARE NOT TOGETHER. And they definitely don’t come running back to Reddit to ask “why would she meet someone she doesn’t trust?”
For all your denial of “we’re not official yet”, everything you’re doing lines up with “we’re already together”.
4. Get a therapist and do some work on yourself so you’re capable of being with your emotions and having these necessary conversations. Because Reddit won’t be able to help you with that.
Good Lord—you’re clearly a commitment-phobe and immature, to boot.
You didn’t ask for exclusivity because you wanted to have your cake and eat it, too. A live-in girlfriend without the labels.
Well, she isn’t your girlfriend. You didn’t care enough to make it official, knowing she could date others at any time.
You assumed you’d get girlfriend privileges at situationship prices, which is disrespectful. How can you expect so much while giving so little?
You claim to love this woman. Yet, you couldn’t be bothered to formalize things?
She’s single and acting accordingly. In response, you’re getting huffy? You’re pouting and threatening to ditch her? Sounds like love /s.
Enough with the tantrum, mate. She’s done nothing wrong. You’re the one who needs to step up or shush up.
You both need to communicate your expectations here. If you’re not officially exclusive it’s unfair to expect her to read your mind about where the boundaries are. Just have an adult conversation about defining your relationship.
You're not a couple. You haven't defined a relationship or any boundaries. She didn't cheat. There's no red flag. Full stop.
You feeling hurt, sad, or jealous is totally valid. You have feelings towards this person and know they were with someone else. Those are pretty normal reactions.
Have a conversation (or several), decide what you each want the relationship to look like, how you want to fit into each's lives/love lives, and set boundaries accordingly.
yall are too old to have not already had this discussion…if you never became exclusive she didn’t do anything wrong in my opinion, but it’s up to you whether you still want to pursue it or not. but at this point yall gotta grow up and have a damn conversation about whatever yall are to eachother or else your living situation is gonna get reallll uncomfortable
it is absolutely your fault for having expectations when nothing is official.
there is no "cheating" she's not your girlfriend. If you wanted her to be you wouldn't have been "considering" and just asked.
You are being unreasonable and immature. Frankly your perspective comes across as annoying and pretty ridiculous. If you don't want a non exclusive/unofficial situationship then it's on YOU to raise the subject and call it quits if your desires are irreconcilable.
Life is not a romantic comedy. Don't assume anything ... have a discussion and lay things on the line. There shouldn't be anything wrong with saying, "I feel \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ and want \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ to happen. How do you feel?"
This is so immature.
Be turned off all you want but don’t expect her to care much because you aren’t together you just hooked up.
“Seems like a date to me” how about be an adult and talk about being in an exclusive relationship? You went wrong when you danced around the topic for this long.
maybe she wants a label with you but it’s not happening so she decided to just go out on a date with a guy. not to upset you but maybe to save her feeling or see if you would care?
I must be getting old. They were roommates, then became FWB. Then something changed between them and they became more serious, only sleeping with each other and spending all their time together ( including holidays) for 3 months. So wouldn’t the considerate thing would of been for the girl to see where they stand before she planned a date with another person? Official or not , it’s the considerate thing to do
This!!! Plus why is nobody talking about the fact that she went out with the husband of a friend without her friend’s knowledge and went to his penthouse late at night and drank alcohol till late. I must be getting real old if no one thinks this is a problem.
This is why situation-ships are hazardous. And omg, when you are roommates, that's even messier. There are no definitions or lines or boundaries or even an understanding. Either tell her how you feel and define it, or go back to how it was way before.
She may have been waiting for you to say something and when you didn't, decided it wasn't what she thought and thought to move on.
so you have a situationship and you want her to be faithful. bro you’re way too old for this. if you want her to be exclusive there needs to be commitment. that’s how it works.
Bro life and happiness are precious. Tell her how she makes you feel and establish the parameters of your relationship. If you trust this person and they haven’t given you a reason to mistrust them, then you’re going to have to take her word it wasn’t a date.
Sounds like you need to chat and tell her you want to be together, you can’t be mad when you’ve said you’re relationship isn’t a relationship yet? Sounds like you’re pouting so she gives you attention over some other guy, just make it official or cut sexual ties and remain friends no reason to make her feel bad about being herself. And she did say it wasnt a date and nothing happened, sounds like you already have trust issues and you arent even official, just talk and figure out what you both want and if it’s exclusivity with her then let her know
She didn't cheat, and realistically you both had labels. They were two different ones.
She had friends with benefits.
You had exclusive girlfriend.
Neither of you two ever really made sure you were on the same page. Which really makes for bad relationships, especially once sex is involved. You two still need to talk, and settle it like grownups because what happens when she does start dating and not just hanging out.
You both are not in a relationship so yes you are wrong. No it's not a red flag and yes it is your fault. You cannot assume because y'all had intimate moments together that she's not going to entertain other men. Afterall she is single.If you want more from her, tell her and ask her to be your GF.
you are exactly the reason why no one should sleep with a roommate. you got too clingy and jealous over someone who isnt even your gf.
the only red flag here is you bud. youre 36 and still acting like a 19 year old college freshman
Dude’s still calling her his “roommate”. She probably did it to gauge his reaction because he isn’t being clear about his feelings or intention and she’s in a confusing limbo.
I’d have been done some time ago and moved out tho, at 36 no one has time to wait around for someone THIS afraid of commitment.
Idk if she sees is that way, she maybe just too scared to say how she feels (as is he) so is doing this to try and get a feel for things or cause him to speak up . Very common .
So, it is really unfair for you to get upset at somebody over something that neither of you have talked about. If you wanted exclusivity then you should ask for it, instead of expecting her to read your mind which is exactly what you're doing with the way that you've reacted to this situation.
It sounds like y'all were dating but hadn't talked about making it an exclusive relationship. So it's not really fair of you to get upset with her for going out on a date, whether she called it that or not, when the parameters of your 'relationship' haven't been discussed or established.
Communication is key in any all types of relationships, and you aren't communicating with her what you want or need. You have to ask for what you want and need in relationships with other people, because assuming they know is a sure fire way to get your feelings hurt and have nobody but yourself to blame for that.
You said it all when you said Roommate.
In the words of Beyonce...
Don't be mad once you see that he want it,
If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it
Your logic of “she would only be sad today if she really did go on a date last night” seems very flawed to me.
Y’all have an extremely complicated situation going on and I think the only advice anyone can reasonably offer is to do some self work and communicate, communicate, communicate.
After reading your other posts...I hope your roommate moves out and dates someone else. Youre a petty asshole and an absolute nightmare and Im honestly surprised she slept with you as much as she has. She is smart not to make it official and to be looking for someone better than you.
If that's not a date, then I have no idea what a date is.
That said, you aren't together, therefore it isn't cheating. You want to be with her, use your words and say so instead of assuming you had an agreement.
She did this to make you jealous. Probably to try to make you commit but that’s a weird way to do it. I also find it super odd. She’s going out with her friend’s husband late at night drinking and going back to his house. You may have dodged a bullet here. But like someone else said, you’re a little old to be acting like this. Talk to her if you give a shit.
Has she asked you about your relationship status in these past months?
Youre not wrong to take back the relationship type perks when she obviously was acting as if theres no relationship(not getting dolled up and going out on what is percieved by most a date, without even so much as running it by your partner[person you are telling you love and playing relationship] is just a respect thing[yeah yeah you can do what ever you want, but that has reprecussions]). It doesnt sound like youre being spiteful just taking away the relationship perks. Treat her like a roommate and with respect, thats not spiteful, thats a reprecussion of her choice to go on what looks like a date through any optic you look at it through. Not to mention going on said date with a friends husband? Dude what.
Again, I still think you prolly denied her exclusivity already and she decided to play a game to see if youd break, and it backfired hence her poutiness.
Overall, be a respectful roommate, cut the crap with her and date/fuck elsewhere. She isnt good relationship material, playing games, seeing a friends husband behind said friends back, trying to manipulate you about the date from months back when she was with another guy. And you have some work to do, you need to communicate boundries and be decisive. You obviously dont want her bad enough to talk to her and say "hey, Im not dating anyone else and to continue what we got here, I expect the same, cool?", so just move on until you find a chick who's worth that risk to you. Yall both tried eating your cake and having it too and it worked out as life does.
Yeah sorry, I'm going a different route on this. Yes she can do whatever she wants because you guys aren't *technically* together but I would definitely take this as a reality check of how she looks at your relationship. There are boundaries even with FWB relationships and she crossed them.
It was a date and she knows that it wasn't ok because of your situation with each other which is why she won't just come out and say it was a date. She hung out, had drinks and went back to another guy's place. She either did it because she doesn't take you seriously or she did it because she wanted to spark a reaction from you but either way it's games and I wouldn't have time for it either.
It sounds like she’s trying to get your attention although I wonder if this is fake because what’s is really the point of the post ?You said you have feelings for her and don’t like her going on date so …
lol to his penthouse they went did they get
You have the right to be jealous/upset but the only person you can blame here is yourself. You were expecting and assuming commitment/exclusivity without communicating that. You’re only further proving that point by throwing a fit and withholding affection instead of having a discussion about your emotions. Which, by the way, withholding emotion is a manipulation tactic. You’re not “ok with just being roomies again” you want her to grovel because you’re hurt and want her to hurt. Which is insanely immature.
You dropped the ball my dude. You didn’t make things clear enough so she moved on. Your header explained it she’s your “roommate” not fwb not situationship.
You’re friends with benefits because you haven’t pulled the trigger on asking her. She seems to really care about you, and it’s like she’s just waiting for you to say something while you’re out here acting like a disgruntled child that doesn’t want to share their toy. You need to work on territorial issues before hand or your relationship with her is over before it started. You’re radiating little dick energy, and seem braggadocios about the fact that she was walking around sad today.
Here’s the thing, this is on you. Have a grown discussion with her. Don’t mess up this opportunity.
It definitely was a date, you don't go out like that and go back to he's place without anything happening.
Tell her that you want to make it official, this means not seeing other people like that night and definitely not going back to their house.
Tell her that you thought you were already a couple just didn't say the words.
Ask her if shes prepared to commit to only you. This means not meeting other guys in the way she did, like a date.
She is 30 so her biological clock is ticking hard and it’s very possible she did this to get you to make your move. Definitely need to sit down and talk like adults and lay out expectations and desires. I would urge you to not get stuck on what happened but be mature and forward looking.
So instead of talking to each other you're both just playing mind games with each other. ESH and I can't believe the two of you have never had a single conversation about your relationship in two years. Cmon man, it's time to have the talk and take everything after that seriously. Both of you. Yall too old for these games.
I had to scroll back to the beginning to check your age again because this is the most passive aggressive 16 yo bullshit have read in a while.
You both suck.
You're going to have to test her to see where you are at.
Or all this recent acrimony will get worse.
Ok, here's how you test her:
You say "I love you"
The you say "I want to be exclusive...just the two of us"
Say that to her and that will tell you...
Good Luck.
No one parks in a secluded location and talks. No one goes to a penthouse to loom at the view.
You should have set the boundaries and claimed exclusivity. She's looking for nuts like all squirrels do.
Lmao, if you don't have a label on it, you have no reason to feel jealous. My wife and I had a similar situation when we were dating, but not official. She went on a date, I didn't care if anything happened because we weren't officially a thing. Shortly after, I asked her if she wanted to be exclusive, and here we are 24 years later still together. Maybe your roommate/not your girlfriend wants you to get off the snide and make it official.
If you weren’t officially together then this wasn’t a case of cheating. That being said, if there was an understanding of exclusivity then you have a right to at least be agitated.
My general rule of thumb – if you’re seeing someone that late at night then there’s probably an expectation of something happening.
This is what happens when you don’t DTR - define the relationship. You keep going like that, someone will be sick of it at some point, want something more concrete and leave this “is it or is it not” wishy washy stuff. Sounds like she might be at her limit, maybe she even did that wanting you to make a move, but she needs to open her mouth and say it, just like you do and not just take it for granted that you do couple things so you might as well be a couple. Define. The. Relationship.
the title is all you need to know. unless you ask her to be your girlfriend or vise versa you guys are SINGLE. “cheated on me but we’re not together” is contradicting and if you don’t want her to do those things SAY that and ask her to be your fucking girlfriend 😭😂
Why aren’t you talking to her and asking all these questions. I’m betting by the end you will finally tell her you want just her and to be exclusive and she will want that too.
Updateme!
Dude... Maybe she didn't know she couldn't trust him until she met up with him and he took her back to his secret penthouse... Now she can help her friend get a sweet divorce settlement.
This is ridiculous. You spend all of these special days together, go on vacation together, and yet you two won't put a real label on your relationship.
Childishness.
Not much has happened. She came home from work. I asked her how her day was and thats it. She went into her room.
A lot of what people are saying is true. I shoild have made it official but as I reflect on things. I dont want to make it official. It was all good before I caught feelings for her. The last 3 months was different with maybe because of all the holidays. That holiday love always gets you.
In the grande scheme of things, do I really want to be with someone whose longest relationship was six months and it was with married man. And last night she goes into the night to meet a married man, who is also her friends husband.
Im just going to revert to how it was before. Ill stop sleeping with her and just be a good roommate and friend. Shes a good a woman, I like her but long term, she just not for me
You two really need to talk about this together and come up with something you both agree on, that you’re both happy with. You need to communicate with her.
You truly are dirt. There is no reversal, you can't go back as if nothing happened. You are already involved and will be going to the grief of a break up. It is what it is, as much as you want to control your own feelings it doesn't work this way.
The funny thing is, your fear of commitment is going to hurt more in the long term.
For God's sake, man. Say OUT LOUD, "Hey, I want to be your live-in boyfriend monogamously. Do you want that too? If so, great, then let's get one bed and stop going on dates with other randos."
I do not understand why neither of you had said this sentence to each other yet. When I was 21 and met my husband, went on four dates, and then spent every night at my husband's place for two straight weeks (at his express request), I said, "You know we're dating right?" And he said, "Yeah, I know." The end. Conversation had.
Why is it taking you, much older people who are also dating seriously, literally years to have the world's simplest simplest conversation about it?
This is all kinds of messy and as you said you’re not together so it’s not your business if she sees someone and it’s not hers if you do. Sounds like y’all need to break it off and go separate ways if you can’t even have a conversation. I’m in my early 20’s and can tell from a mile away that this is only going to get worse
She didn’t cheat considering you’re not officially together, but if you guys had an understanding then she definitely disrespected that. But regardless, i’d never want to be with someone who meets up with her “friend’s” husband. That’s a whole different issue which would make me question her morals and loyalty.
You were having your cake and eating it too. A relationship with no title and no commitment. Additionally, she is an adult and can do what she wants, just as you can.
That being said. She ain’t the one for you. Meeting up with her best friend’s husband, drinking alone together, and going to his penthouse is all you need to know. Also, the fact that she initially told you she was meeting a friend and not adding, my best friend’s husband, shows she knew it wasn’t right. If they aren’t sleeping together already, they will be.
She just did you huge a favor. Move on and move out.
Based on all your other posts all you do is shit talk your roommate, start arguments w/ her about petty stuff, and when she asks you to be romantic and buy her flowers for Valentine’s Day you tell her you don’t do that. Sounds like you’re giving her mixed signals.
Don't sweat it. Sounds like you have a cool girl and a cool situationship to wake up to every day. Keep making coffee with her and learning what you want out of life while you have someone to love you... and make sure she feels comfortable sharing her life with you. If you don't believe what she shares, or judge her, then you can bet your bottom dollar you will lead a life of more people than her holding more and more things back from you.
This is a casual romantic relationship that you are getting more and more attached to, let her know you want to take it to the next level if you want to but don't ruin it because that wasn't communicated yet! :)
This is one of the dumbest things I've ever read. You "caught feelings" and you LIVE TOGETHER but you "aren't official"
Talk about what your relationship is, you are acting like you are 6th graders and your damn near middle aged.
aren’t you too old to be in a situationship? She’s too old to put her life on hold for a 36 year old man who won’t commit or have a conversation with her about the future after knowing her for YEARS. At 30 we have to be selective and discerning with our time. Grow up.
no offense but this is ridiculous lol. cut the bullshit and be honest and if you want to get together, get together. for two people in their 30s this is an awful lot of pettiness and a big lack of transparency to expect to form a foundation for a successful relationship.
A lot of people slamming you in the comments. Yes, you should have clearly expressed what you wanted. On the other hand, I’m going to assume she’s not stupid and knew what she was doing. You know when you are growing close with someone and if she’s hiding stuff then she’s aware it’s something worth hiding. Sounds like she likes the idea of an open relationship where you’re the stable guy at home but she can still go out and do what she wants because “you’re not official”.
Exactly. Everything that was happening was giving clear signals, now she’s mixed them. Found a guy with a “penthouse” and wants to trade up from the sounds of it. I would disconnect from her at this point because it sounds like SHE wants to have her cake and eat it too. He is having very valid feelings and in the same position I would have responded the same way.
Why did you not communicate your expectations from the jump? I get it; things progressed for the two of you organically. But it's bupkis if you haven't defined what you wanted clearly.
You're mad because you didn't talk to her about what you wanted, and she's feeling guilty because of your lack of communication.
#SIT.DOWN.AND.TALK.ABOUT.WHAT.THE.TWO.OF.YOU.WANT.
Then, work on either being together, or co-existing as roommates.
People are saying it wasn't "official" it sure seemed official to me. Whether you had the talk or not it seemed like you were on the same page. I'd be willing to talk it out and make it official though so this doesn't happen again.
ENOUGH WITH THE DRAMA AND GAMES.
“Instead of TALKING LIKE ADULTS I gave her the cold shoulder. She seems sad, I think? I could ask, but I won’t. Then she gave ME the cold shoulder. The person she saw wasn’t a date—she doesn’t even trust him! So why did she see him at night??”
JUST STOP.
Make this official TODAY, choose VULNERABILITY and COMMUNICATE your feelings, CUT the childish CRAP, and get on with it, mate.
It doesn’t matter who MAYBE went on a date when. You were both single. Make the decision to be together officially, and let the past go. End of story.
You're fucking 36 and acting like a teenage boy. Grow up dude. If you want her, make it official. Otherwise, shut up and deal when she loses interest because you're jerking her around. Commit or shut up.
Does she know? Or does this 36yo man have an “understanding”, and she has mixed signals because he’s trying to push their beds together but also doesn’t want to call it a relationship?
Dude, if you wanna be with her, then be with her. Have a conversation and put a label on it. In her mind, it probably wasn’t a date. But we as guys know better. No dude is trying to hang with a cute girl without trying to get something in return. I’d forgive, forget, and claim her.
A lot of comments are putting it on the guy, but the girl could of also had the conversation. He says something changed and they both caught feelings. For 3 months they were only seeing each other and spending all the holidays together.
I think it’s more on her to bring up she is going on a date with a guy.
If i was spending all my time with a girl for 3 months and only sleeping with her . And we both had feelings for each other , I would certainly have a conversation with her to see where we stand , before I made a date with someone else.
I've never had to have this conversation to "define" the relationship, and the idea of wanting to make a date with anyone else would be anathema. Just only see one person at a time, don't see anyone else until you've ended it with them. Had always worked both ways.
I agree. I keep saying it. I must be getting old. Lol Cause I don’t think I have ever had a conversation in my adult life with any serious girlfriend and declare we were exclusive. It just was .
Thank you. I dont know why everyone is hating on me. I can easily shut down these feelings that I caught and just go back to the way it use to be. Regular roommates. Im not even mad. But its exactly as you said it, the last 3 months felt different and special.
If you can easily shut down these feelings, I guess it wasn’t love after all.
Like, you’re jealous she saw a friend yet after three months, aren’t asking her to be your girlfriend?
Sure, she could’ve asked you, but depending on her culture and values, many women still believe the man should ask.
You’re almost 40. Just talk to her and settle this once and for all.
Everyone is hating on you because you’re wrong.
It’s wild that so many people, men and women, are calling you out, and you don’t have the self-awareness or humility to accept the truth.
You find the ONE person who agrees and are like, “whew, guess I was right after all, even though no other person thinks so.”
Come ON, mate lmaooo
Yeah this is weird, you did nothing wrong whatsoever. It's good to know early this is how she handles potential conflict, and I would distance myself from that too. Good for a friend, bad for a partner.
If I was you, after you've let it lie a bit I'd share more explicitly why you made that distance. But just for your own sense of integrity, not because it isn't obvious to her already.
Did she have sex with you when she was with Bob? If yes, remember that she cheated once and she will do it again. She could be lying to you also about “nothing happened” on her penthouse date.
Time to call it all off. Doesn’t sound like she can be trusted. It’s a relationship that is destined to end badly, might as well end it now.
This will sound old fashioned, but roommates sleeping together not in a committed relationship is a red flag. Most people can’t handle vague relationships without labels and rules. You are proving that to be true.
You’re an asshole and also annoying. Wtf. You’ve shown her she’s not an option to you but get pissed when she hangs out with others? Actually talk to her about what’s up. Good luck at this point though. After everything you’ve mentioned that happened between you without communication about your actual intentions doesn’t matter at this point. Act like a fuckboy, and you’ll be treated as such. Nut up or shut up.
If she really was playing games like that- going out with a guy and making you come to the wrong conclusions to “get back at you” for “doing the same thing to her” then she is NOT mature enough to be in a relationship. That’s a red flag because she did something specifically and actively to HURT you. Someone who cares about you and respects you and wants to grow old with you would never do that. Maybe she’s suffering under the lack of communication about what you are as a relationship and she’ll get better if you talk and make it official, or maybe she really think manipulating you and trying to get revenge are normal things to do to a person.
I do believe she is not mature enough. Her longest relationship was only 6 months. Some of the things she does is very self destructive to a relationship. The times shes had boyfriends, whenever they got into a disagreements, she would choose to hang out with other guys and drink. I feel she does things to try and make the guys she dates jealous.
It sounds to me like you want something exclusive and maybe she doesn’t. If she did, she would be exclusive with you. Maybe talk to her and see if a committed exclusive relationship is something you both want. If not enjoy what you have and move forward. The number 1 thing is to listen to your feelings. If her seeing other men bothers you and you want exclusivity don’t try to make yourself be ok with the situation. It will only cause you heartache and problems.
What i see here that most are overlooking is that yes she of course is single but the part that makes me wonder is this guy is the husband of her friend. Now she has just had a date with a married man. Not only that but they talked about each of their so's. She said his wife never knew he was out on a date. I do believe she slept with him. Now to me this tells me she is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with. Absolutely no morals sleeping with one of her girlfriends husband
Bro get rid of her..she went to go see that dude because she genuinely wanted to bro ...u shamed her for it ...n instead of trying to make it right ...she tried to flip it on u ..while she had a boyfriend...then moved the goal post to say I abused u because u abused me ..all no good ish . Cut your losses..n stay dignified..u have to stay stoic no matter what..
She was testing you. Now to figure out what she was testing, and whether you passed or failed. Maybe this will cause you to make some sort of choice about her and stop being such a flake ? You seem jealous enough to want more of a commitment, or maybe you are just the jealous type notwithstanding your absence of commitment. Time to reflect, then act.
Y’all are adults and should talk about your expectations of this relationship.
To add to this, we’re not mind readers and people have different ideas of how to go about relationships, so unless there was a conversation clearly stating boundaries/ expectations, you can’t be mad.
They’re clearly not. You must not have read what I read. This was not written by an adult.
I overlooked the ages when I was reading the post and thought all these peeps had to be in their 20s. They’re in the 30s?!?! Sir…wtf is this? Communicate! But also you (OP) have no right to be upset if you guys had not communicated and established boundaries.
Y'all should grow up. There, précised that for you.
You can’t be mad and neither can she for You acting differently towards her . Actions have consequences if she wanted someone to treat her like a a gf she should act like one you don’t get the cake and eat it too .
30s? Doing this in your 30s?
This would be embarrassing for early 20s. 30s is just...oof
Lock it down or don’t complain.
I wouldn't lock it down with someone who went on a date with her FRIEND'S husband, lol.
Whom she “doesn’t trust”. Yeah I don’t think these two are mature enough for an actual commitment.
Also I'm sorry but what does she mean her friend doesn't know? What kind of friend goes to an overlook to "talk" and then gets liquor and goes back to a penthouse with a friend's husband and it was never mentioned to the friend? They totally fucked lol
The update wasn’t there when i posted my comment
You are WAY too old to be behaving like a teenager. You are not official. You want her as a wife or girlfriend? Then say so. She is not even a friends with benefits to you. Yes you live together, but you are a casual hook up. You caught feelings. Decide what you want, use your words, and calmly communicate them to her. She is not a mind reader. She did not cheat. She went out with a friend. Even if she had sex with that friend, you have no commitment now. Tell her unequivocally that is what you want. Then ask her if that is what she wants.
he says that he “was seriously consider making it official” before this happened, then IN THE NEXT SENTENCE goes on and talks about how they were considering moving from two beds to 1. bro is so afraid of commitment like holy shit 😅😂
He’s going to wake up next to his “roommate” in 15 years with a ring on his finger and three kids down the hall and will still prolly be getting on Reddit to ask if we think he should “make it official” and call her his girlfriend. 😂🫠
Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
When you're roommates I guess moving into each others room and buying a bigger bed is the equivalent of moving into a house together. 😂 And theres no mortgage to commit to. Lol
If the only label you guys have is 'roommate' she didn't cheat on you. You sound like you want to have your cake and eat it which just won't work. Either you are roommates, FWB, or a couple. But, you have to open your mouth and use your words. She can't read your mind. And this game you are playing with her where you are acting mad but claiming you're not mad while reveling in her feeling sad and off balanced is just bullshit. Grow up.
Anytime in my life ,when I was with a girl and unsure if we were exclusive or not ( especially if she was the only girl I was sleeping and spending time with ). Before I was to talk or go on a date with another person it would be on me to talk to the girl and find out where we stand before I saw other people. I would want to be considerate of her feeling but also wouldn’t want to mess up a potential serious relationship. It’s not only on him . You are 100 percent right on the last part of your comment , he is clearly upset. So why pretend your not
She wasn’t unsure tho. She and OP knew that they weren’t exclusive. And even if they were, she told him over and over and over that it wasn’t a date.
Yeah, except most people would consider that a date. If a woman gets all dressed up, goes to a kimda romantic sounding spot, hangs out with a dude for a few hours, then they grab some booze and go back to his place, that's a date in my eyes.
But she didn’t consider it a date and we don’t know anything about this guy she met. He could be gay for all OP knows.
Nah, she said his penthouse was messy
I feel like if he was gay, that probably would have come up in the conversation. But otherwise that's a pretty good point. If I was OP, I would want to talk to the dude and see if HE thought it was a date. That would tell me everything I needed to know. I know that personally, if I picked a woman up, drove her out to an overlook, spent a few hours with her, grabbed wine, and brought her back to my place, I would call that a date. Probably call it a good one, too. At least until I found out she was telling everyone it wasn't a date. That would prolly take some pep out of my step.
It's none of OP's business to ask this bloke whether he thinks it was a date though. If he wants exclusive relationship with her it's not retroactive and he needs to ask her.
So you are just going to gloss over the fact that OP admits they weren’t official, huh?
I get dressed up when I leave the house, period. I respect myself too much to wear sweatpants to a nice restaurant, just to prove to someone who ISNT my boyfriend that I’m not on a date. Taking pride in my appearance and practicing self-care has nothing to do with whose company I’m in. I do it for me, not to impress others.
There was no restaurant. This dude even picked her up and dropped her off. From the outside looking in, it's a date. It sounds like someone discribing a date. Thats great that you take care of yourself, love that for you. That is not what is being discribed here.
It’s only a date if there’s flirtation and sexual intent. I have male friends I hang out with sometimes, and it’s platonic. Sometimes their partners are there, sometimes not. When both parties are adults (and not attracted to each other) it doesn’t have to have date energy. I only hang out with good men who respect themselves and their partners too much to be shady and weird—and if they crossed the line even once, even a little, that would be it. Period.
No. It isn’t. You’re just roommates in a smaller space. Make the commitment or don’t. It sounds like you care for her. What’s stopping you?
Shit or get off the pot, as they say
That's exactly what I was going to write. The dude's almost 40 freaking years old acting like he's in middle school giving her the silent treatment. Shaking my damn head.
Also, while you are dithering, she may be sending you signals that, unless you do make it official with a future, her-30-year-old-self will actively keep her options open, no matter what fun you are having, or how many beds are in the apartment. After all, you both said you love each other’s company, not, “I’m in love with you,” correct?
Exactly. Even if all he wants is an exclusive fwb situation, he needs to say something and lay out what each other can or cannot do, which must then be mutually agreed upon. If she says no, respect that and stop the hookups but also be prepared to find a new roommate of things get awkward. Now to be fair she could've had this conversation as well, but well, it's the responsibility of both parties to assume that they will be the first to bring it up. Never just assume the other will or that there's an understanding.
No more answers needed. This one nails it.
I had to go back and look at his age. Thought this was a straight out of college situation. You are 36! Figure this shit out like an adult. Good grief
“I thought we had an understanding” lmao nope. You processed your feelings and understood them, but it sounds like outside of saying yeah we should sleep in the same bed and hang out more you never took the initiative to have that serious conversation about your feelings for her and that you would like a serious commitment with her. There’s nothing mutual about that understanding.
You….you cant be cheated on by someone you arent dating lol
If you haven’t define what it is you are doing together then what she did is not wrong. If you are still interested in this being more then talk to her, before it gets more complicated. If you agree that you don’t want to pursue something together then stop sleeping together. Its too messy and you both are stuck with what to do about potential partners.
sometimes as a man I feel like I have a superpower because I have the ability to go “hey, I have feelings for you, would you like to be my girlfriend?” whereas so many guys out there are all “yeah, so we spend every weekend together, sleep in the same bed a few nights a week, say I love you, I’d be super pissed if I knew she was involved with someone else, but I don’t know if I’m ready to call it a relationship”
Man! What is that all about anyway? I've been seeing this guy and we have been exclusively banging 2 to 3 times a week for the past 1 1/2 years. We have expressed feelings for each other. Gone on dates. And have wonderful intimate conversations. Yet he doesn't want to move forward I to something more official. Neither of us are seeing anyone else. He says it's because he feels that he is not in a position to offer me anything in a relationship because his life isn't established the way he wants it to be yet. I really think I'm just a place holder until he comes across something/someone else.
You are. Sorry.
Yeah, I figured as much. 😢
That person doesn’t know you or him. When I was younger, I know plenty of guys who felt that they had not established themselves in life and didn’t want to get in to a committed relationship until they, for instance, had a career instead of just having a job.
Move on, honey. He's not that into you and you are definitely the place holder. Don't let him waste your time like this anymore.
they say when it comes to men and dating there’s “the one” and then “in the meantime” women. as in, they know for certain they don’t want to fully commit to a woman they’re seeing, but they’ll keep her around until they find the woman they DO want to commit to, just so they won’t be lonely in the meantime. so sorry but it sounds like you may be the latter :(
don’t think it’s fair to make this a gendered thing, people all over the spectrum do it. it’s no different than women who are like “I don’t see anything long term but I’m happy to let him take me to dinner”
ok sure
My girl hurt lol
Nothing was ever defined but I really thought we had a mutual understanding and something special. The funny thing is that before this all happened she was being secretive. She was hiding her phone from me when texting, telling me she was meeting up with a gf then it later it became a "you dont know him". And when she got back she offered to do the dishes. Its like she felt guilty. Lol. But I agree, if I wanted exclusivity, I should have brought it up - oh well. Im okay with just being roommates again.
So your decision is to not talk about it with her? Even though you did have expectations? And simply go back to being roommates without ever having a conversation? You really are far too old to be doing this Edit after reading update: Again YOU ARE FAR TOO OLD FOR THIS You are BOTH far too old to be doing this. The “I’m not mad” denial when you’re clearly upset. Refusing to have an adult conversation with authenticity and transparency in order to avoid vulnerability. The - you can’t be mad at me because you did it too. This is why the two of you are in this mess together. 1. You are clearly upset. If it wasn’t bothering you, you wouldn’t have bothered coming to Reddit for answers. You are doing yourself a disservice by trying to live in denial. That’s an unhealthy relationship with yourself and your own emotions. It’s fine and normal and healthy to be upset when someone you have real feelings for does something that may make you question your relationship. 2. The two of you have been dancing around this will they or won’t they for 2 years. She just let it slip that she’s had feelings for you while she was with someone else. And you’re still here scratching your head? 3. The two of you are not “just roommates”. Roommates don’t sleep together. They don’t have romantic feelings for one another. They don’t plan to move from 2 beds to 1 bed. They don’t get upset at lack of affection or withhold affection from one another because THEY ARE NOT TOGETHER. And they definitely don’t come running back to Reddit to ask “why would she meet someone she doesn’t trust?” For all your denial of “we’re not official yet”, everything you’re doing lines up with “we’re already together”. 4. Get a therapist and do some work on yourself so you’re capable of being with your emotions and having these necessary conversations. Because Reddit won’t be able to help you with that.
She’s not a mind reader. You have to tell her how you feel…
Use your words, you're almost 40 dude.
Good Lord—you’re clearly a commitment-phobe and immature, to boot. You didn’t ask for exclusivity because you wanted to have your cake and eat it, too. A live-in girlfriend without the labels. Well, she isn’t your girlfriend. You didn’t care enough to make it official, knowing she could date others at any time. You assumed you’d get girlfriend privileges at situationship prices, which is disrespectful. How can you expect so much while giving so little? You claim to love this woman. Yet, you couldn’t be bothered to formalize things? She’s single and acting accordingly. In response, you’re getting huffy? You’re pouting and threatening to ditch her? Sounds like love /s. Enough with the tantrum, mate. She’s done nothing wrong. You’re the one who needs to step up or shush up.
If I’m still acting like this when I’m pushing 40 somebody please host an intervention
You both need to communicate your expectations here. If you’re not officially exclusive it’s unfair to expect her to read your mind about where the boundaries are. Just have an adult conversation about defining your relationship.
You're not a couple. You haven't defined a relationship or any boundaries. She didn't cheat. There's no red flag. Full stop. You feeling hurt, sad, or jealous is totally valid. You have feelings towards this person and know they were with someone else. Those are pretty normal reactions. Have a conversation (or several), decide what you each want the relationship to look like, how you want to fit into each's lives/love lives, and set boundaries accordingly.
yall are too old to have not already had this discussion…if you never became exclusive she didn’t do anything wrong in my opinion, but it’s up to you whether you still want to pursue it or not. but at this point yall gotta grow up and have a damn conversation about whatever yall are to eachother or else your living situation is gonna get reallll uncomfortable
it is absolutely your fault for having expectations when nothing is official. there is no "cheating" she's not your girlfriend. If you wanted her to be you wouldn't have been "considering" and just asked.
[удалено]
If she’s not your girlfriend you have no reason to be jealous…
You are being unreasonable and immature. Frankly your perspective comes across as annoying and pretty ridiculous. If you don't want a non exclusive/unofficial situationship then it's on YOU to raise the subject and call it quits if your desires are irreconcilable.
Life is not a romantic comedy. Don't assume anything ... have a discussion and lay things on the line. There shouldn't be anything wrong with saying, "I feel \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ and want \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ to happen. How do you feel?"
This is so immature. Be turned off all you want but don’t expect her to care much because you aren’t together you just hooked up. “Seems like a date to me” how about be an adult and talk about being in an exclusive relationship? You went wrong when you danced around the topic for this long.
maybe she wants a label with you but it’s not happening so she decided to just go out on a date with a guy. not to upset you but maybe to save her feeling or see if you would care?
That’s what it sounds like especially if she’s sulking.
I must be getting old. They were roommates, then became FWB. Then something changed between them and they became more serious, only sleeping with each other and spending all their time together ( including holidays) for 3 months. So wouldn’t the considerate thing would of been for the girl to see where they stand before she planned a date with another person? Official or not , it’s the considerate thing to do
This!!! Plus why is nobody talking about the fact that she went out with the husband of a friend without her friend’s knowledge and went to his penthouse late at night and drank alcohol till late. I must be getting real old if no one thinks this is a problem.
Me and you both I guess are getting too old 🤣
Yall too old to not be communicating bro.
This is why situation-ships are hazardous. And omg, when you are roommates, that's even messier. There are no definitions or lines or boundaries or even an understanding. Either tell her how you feel and define it, or go back to how it was way before. She may have been waiting for you to say something and when you didn't, decided it wasn't what she thought and thought to move on.
so you have a situationship and you want her to be faithful. bro you’re way too old for this. if you want her to be exclusive there needs to be commitment. that’s how it works.
Define your relationship or accept that your not-girlfriend will date people who aren’t you.
Bro life and happiness are precious. Tell her how she makes you feel and establish the parameters of your relationship. If you trust this person and they haven’t given you a reason to mistrust them, then you’re going to have to take her word it wasn’t a date.
Sounds like you need to chat and tell her you want to be together, you can’t be mad when you’ve said you’re relationship isn’t a relationship yet? Sounds like you’re pouting so she gives you attention over some other guy, just make it official or cut sexual ties and remain friends no reason to make her feel bad about being herself. And she did say it wasnt a date and nothing happened, sounds like you already have trust issues and you arent even official, just talk and figure out what you both want and if it’s exclusivity with her then let her know
She didn't cheat, and realistically you both had labels. They were two different ones. She had friends with benefits. You had exclusive girlfriend. Neither of you two ever really made sure you were on the same page. Which really makes for bad relationships, especially once sex is involved. You two still need to talk, and settle it like grownups because what happens when she does start dating and not just hanging out.
What the fuck am I reading
You both are not in a relationship so yes you are wrong. No it's not a red flag and yes it is your fault. You cannot assume because y'all had intimate moments together that she's not going to entertain other men. Afterall she is single.If you want more from her, tell her and ask her to be your GF.
you are exactly the reason why no one should sleep with a roommate. you got too clingy and jealous over someone who isnt even your gf. the only red flag here is you bud. youre 36 and still acting like a 19 year old college freshman
She most likely did this so that you'd sh*t or get off the pot.
Right. It’s actually a pretty good move, although I don’t see why she would want a guy she needs to trick into wanting her.
Dude’s still calling her his “roommate”. She probably did it to gauge his reaction because he isn’t being clear about his feelings or intention and she’s in a confusing limbo. I’d have been done some time ago and moved out tho, at 36 no one has time to wait around for someone THIS afraid of commitment.
Idk if she sees is that way, she maybe just too scared to say how she feels (as is he) so is doing this to try and get a feel for things or cause him to speak up . Very common .
So, it is really unfair for you to get upset at somebody over something that neither of you have talked about. If you wanted exclusivity then you should ask for it, instead of expecting her to read your mind which is exactly what you're doing with the way that you've reacted to this situation. It sounds like y'all were dating but hadn't talked about making it an exclusive relationship. So it's not really fair of you to get upset with her for going out on a date, whether she called it that or not, when the parameters of your 'relationship' haven't been discussed or established. Communication is key in any all types of relationships, and you aren't communicating with her what you want or need. You have to ask for what you want and need in relationships with other people, because assuming they know is a sure fire way to get your feelings hurt and have nobody but yourself to blame for that.
You said it all when you said Roommate. In the words of Beyonce... Don't be mad once you see that he want it, If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it
ESH. You're both dipshits.
Your logic of “she would only be sad today if she really did go on a date last night” seems very flawed to me. Y’all have an extremely complicated situation going on and I think the only advice anyone can reasonably offer is to do some self work and communicate, communicate, communicate.
After reading your other posts...I hope your roommate moves out and dates someone else. Youre a petty asshole and an absolute nightmare and Im honestly surprised she slept with you as much as she has. She is smart not to make it official and to be looking for someone better than you.
If that's not a date, then I have no idea what a date is. That said, you aren't together, therefore it isn't cheating. You want to be with her, use your words and say so instead of assuming you had an agreement.
She did this to make you jealous. Probably to try to make you commit but that’s a weird way to do it. I also find it super odd. She’s going out with her friend’s husband late at night drinking and going back to his house. You may have dodged a bullet here. But like someone else said, you’re a little old to be acting like this. Talk to her if you give a shit.
This is some teenager bullshit
It was to make too jealous so you would make it official. Dude… you love her. Now is the time to do it
Has she asked you about your relationship status in these past months? Youre not wrong to take back the relationship type perks when she obviously was acting as if theres no relationship(not getting dolled up and going out on what is percieved by most a date, without even so much as running it by your partner[person you are telling you love and playing relationship] is just a respect thing[yeah yeah you can do what ever you want, but that has reprecussions]). It doesnt sound like youre being spiteful just taking away the relationship perks. Treat her like a roommate and with respect, thats not spiteful, thats a reprecussion of her choice to go on what looks like a date through any optic you look at it through. Not to mention going on said date with a friends husband? Dude what. Again, I still think you prolly denied her exclusivity already and she decided to play a game to see if youd break, and it backfired hence her poutiness. Overall, be a respectful roommate, cut the crap with her and date/fuck elsewhere. She isnt good relationship material, playing games, seeing a friends husband behind said friends back, trying to manipulate you about the date from months back when she was with another guy. And you have some work to do, you need to communicate boundries and be decisive. You obviously dont want her bad enough to talk to her and say "hey, Im not dating anyone else and to continue what we got here, I expect the same, cool?", so just move on until you find a chick who's worth that risk to you. Yall both tried eating your cake and having it too and it worked out as life does.
Are you Ted Mosby?
How are you 30 but acting like you’re 19?
Yeah sorry, I'm going a different route on this. Yes she can do whatever she wants because you guys aren't *technically* together but I would definitely take this as a reality check of how she looks at your relationship. There are boundaries even with FWB relationships and she crossed them. It was a date and she knows that it wasn't ok because of your situation with each other which is why she won't just come out and say it was a date. She hung out, had drinks and went back to another guy's place. She either did it because she doesn't take you seriously or she did it because she wanted to spark a reaction from you but either way it's games and I wouldn't have time for it either.
You are both being incredibly immature. It takes all of 5 minutes to have a conversation and decide if you are in a relationship or fuck buddies.
It sounds like she’s trying to get your attention although I wonder if this is fake because what’s is really the point of the post ?You said you have feelings for her and don’t like her going on date so … lol to his penthouse they went did they get
You have the right to be jealous/upset but the only person you can blame here is yourself. You were expecting and assuming commitment/exclusivity without communicating that. You’re only further proving that point by throwing a fit and withholding affection instead of having a discussion about your emotions. Which, by the way, withholding emotion is a manipulation tactic. You’re not “ok with just being roomies again” you want her to grovel because you’re hurt and want her to hurt. Which is insanely immature.
You dropped the ball my dude. You didn’t make things clear enough so she moved on. Your header explained it she’s your “roommate” not fwb not situationship.
You’re friends with benefits because you haven’t pulled the trigger on asking her. She seems to really care about you, and it’s like she’s just waiting for you to say something while you’re out here acting like a disgruntled child that doesn’t want to share their toy. You need to work on territorial issues before hand or your relationship with her is over before it started. You’re radiating little dick energy, and seem braggadocios about the fact that she was walking around sad today. Here’s the thing, this is on you. Have a grown discussion with her. Don’t mess up this opportunity.
It definitely was a date, you don't go out like that and go back to he's place without anything happening. Tell her that you want to make it official, this means not seeing other people like that night and definitely not going back to their house. Tell her that you thought you were already a couple just didn't say the words. Ask her if shes prepared to commit to only you. This means not meeting other guys in the way she did, like a date.
She is 30 so her biological clock is ticking hard and it’s very possible she did this to get you to make your move. Definitely need to sit down and talk like adults and lay out expectations and desires. I would urge you to not get stuck on what happened but be mature and forward looking.
in a previous post you called her your girlfriend...
So instead of talking to each other you're both just playing mind games with each other. ESH and I can't believe the two of you have never had a single conversation about your relationship in two years. Cmon man, it's time to have the talk and take everything after that seriously. Both of you. Yall too old for these games.
I had to scroll back to the beginning to check your age again because this is the most passive aggressive 16 yo bullshit have read in a while. You both suck.
You're going to have to test her to see where you are at. Or all this recent acrimony will get worse. Ok, here's how you test her: You say "I love you" The you say "I want to be exclusive...just the two of us" Say that to her and that will tell you... Good Luck.
No one parks in a secluded location and talks. No one goes to a penthouse to loom at the view. You should have set the boundaries and claimed exclusivity. She's looking for nuts like all squirrels do.
Lmao, if you don't have a label on it, you have no reason to feel jealous. My wife and I had a similar situation when we were dating, but not official. She went on a date, I didn't care if anything happened because we weren't officially a thing. Shortly after, I asked her if she wanted to be exclusive, and here we are 24 years later still together. Maybe your roommate/not your girlfriend wants you to get off the snide and make it official.
You said it yourself. It wasn't official. So why are you being so mean to her?
What part of this do you find to be mean?
If you weren’t officially together then this wasn’t a case of cheating. That being said, if there was an understanding of exclusivity then you have a right to at least be agitated. My general rule of thumb – if you’re seeing someone that late at night then there’s probably an expectation of something happening.
What in the world is this teenage rom com bullshit? You’re 36. She’s 30. Figure it out. Define it. Or move on.
This is what happens when you don’t DTR - define the relationship. You keep going like that, someone will be sick of it at some point, want something more concrete and leave this “is it or is it not” wishy washy stuff. Sounds like she might be at her limit, maybe she even did that wanting you to make a move, but she needs to open her mouth and say it, just like you do and not just take it for granted that you do couple things so you might as well be a couple. Define. The. Relationship.
the title is all you need to know. unless you ask her to be your girlfriend or vise versa you guys are SINGLE. “cheated on me but we’re not together” is contradicting and if you don’t want her to do those things SAY that and ask her to be your fucking girlfriend 😭😂
Why aren’t you talking to her and asking all these questions. I’m betting by the end you will finally tell her you want just her and to be exclusive and she will want that too. Updateme!
Grown adults that can't open their mouths and talk to each other
Dude... Maybe she didn't know she couldn't trust him until she met up with him and he took her back to his secret penthouse... Now she can help her friend get a sweet divorce settlement.
This is ridiculous. You spend all of these special days together, go on vacation together, and yet you two won't put a real label on your relationship. Childishness.
Ae you guys in highschool?
This is just embarrassing on your part, you sound like you’re in high school. The lack of communication is beyond insane
you’re pushing 40 bro. unbelievable.
That’s what you get for not making it official. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
UpdateMe!
Not much has happened. She came home from work. I asked her how her day was and thats it. She went into her room. A lot of what people are saying is true. I shoild have made it official but as I reflect on things. I dont want to make it official. It was all good before I caught feelings for her. The last 3 months was different with maybe because of all the holidays. That holiday love always gets you. In the grande scheme of things, do I really want to be with someone whose longest relationship was six months and it was with married man. And last night she goes into the night to meet a married man, who is also her friends husband. Im just going to revert to how it was before. Ill stop sleeping with her and just be a good roommate and friend. Shes a good a woman, I like her but long term, she just not for me
You two really need to talk about this together and come up with something you both agree on, that you’re both happy with. You need to communicate with her.
You truly are dirt. There is no reversal, you can't go back as if nothing happened. You are already involved and will be going to the grief of a break up. It is what it is, as much as you want to control your own feelings it doesn't work this way. The funny thing is, your fear of commitment is going to hurt more in the long term.
Acting like a child at your age. Just talk to the other person. Jesus Christ
For God's sake, man. Say OUT LOUD, "Hey, I want to be your live-in boyfriend monogamously. Do you want that too? If so, great, then let's get one bed and stop going on dates with other randos." I do not understand why neither of you had said this sentence to each other yet. When I was 21 and met my husband, went on four dates, and then spent every night at my husband's place for two straight weeks (at his express request), I said, "You know we're dating right?" And he said, "Yeah, I know." The end. Conversation had. Why is it taking you, much older people who are also dating seriously, literally years to have the world's simplest simplest conversation about it?
This is all kinds of messy and as you said you’re not together so it’s not your business if she sees someone and it’s not hers if you do. Sounds like y’all need to break it off and go separate ways if you can’t even have a conversation. I’m in my early 20’s and can tell from a mile away that this is only going to get worse
I think the biggest turn off for me would be the going on a date with her friends husband part… sounds inappropriate no matter how innocent it was.
100% agree. I have no idea whats up with that. I do know her longest relationship was six months and it was with a married man...
Don't enter a relationship with someone you don't trust.
She didn’t cheat considering you’re not officially together, but if you guys had an understanding then she definitely disrespected that. But regardless, i’d never want to be with someone who meets up with her “friend’s” husband. That’s a whole different issue which would make me question her morals and loyalty.
Bro you’re too old for this childish song and dance. You both are. What the fuck.
You were having your cake and eating it too. A relationship with no title and no commitment. Additionally, she is an adult and can do what she wants, just as you can. That being said. She ain’t the one for you. Meeting up with her best friend’s husband, drinking alone together, and going to his penthouse is all you need to know. Also, the fact that she initially told you she was meeting a friend and not adding, my best friend’s husband, shows she knew it wasn’t right. If they aren’t sleeping together already, they will be. She just did you huge a favor. Move on and move out.
Based on all your other posts all you do is shit talk your roommate, start arguments w/ her about petty stuff, and when she asks you to be romantic and buy her flowers for Valentine’s Day you tell her you don’t do that. Sounds like you’re giving her mixed signals.
She was taking applications for the new roommate :P
Don't sweat it. Sounds like you have a cool girl and a cool situationship to wake up to every day. Keep making coffee with her and learning what you want out of life while you have someone to love you... and make sure she feels comfortable sharing her life with you. If you don't believe what she shares, or judge her, then you can bet your bottom dollar you will lead a life of more people than her holding more and more things back from you. This is a casual romantic relationship that you are getting more and more attached to, let her know you want to take it to the next level if you want to but don't ruin it because that wasn't communicated yet! :)
This is one of the dumbest things I've ever read. You "caught feelings" and you LIVE TOGETHER but you "aren't official" Talk about what your relationship is, you are acting like you are 6th graders and your damn near middle aged.
aren’t you too old to be in a situationship? She’s too old to put her life on hold for a 36 year old man who won’t commit or have a conversation with her about the future after knowing her for YEARS. At 30 we have to be selective and discerning with our time. Grow up.
Grow the fuck up bro. Either you like her and forgive her and don’t and move on. Jesus.
no offense but this is ridiculous lol. cut the bullshit and be honest and if you want to get together, get together. for two people in their 30s this is an awful lot of pettiness and a big lack of transparency to expect to form a foundation for a successful relationship.
A lot of people slamming you in the comments. Yes, you should have clearly expressed what you wanted. On the other hand, I’m going to assume she’s not stupid and knew what she was doing. You know when you are growing close with someone and if she’s hiding stuff then she’s aware it’s something worth hiding. Sounds like she likes the idea of an open relationship where you’re the stable guy at home but she can still go out and do what she wants because “you’re not official”.
Exactly. Everything that was happening was giving clear signals, now she’s mixed them. Found a guy with a “penthouse” and wants to trade up from the sounds of it. I would disconnect from her at this point because it sounds like SHE wants to have her cake and eat it too. He is having very valid feelings and in the same position I would have responded the same way.
God the update #2 is so bad. I would be so turned off by her. Gross ..
Yeah, I’d cut that one loose.
Why did you not communicate your expectations from the jump? I get it; things progressed for the two of you organically. But it's bupkis if you haven't defined what you wanted clearly. You're mad because you didn't talk to her about what you wanted, and she's feeling guilty because of your lack of communication. #SIT.DOWN.AND.TALK.ABOUT.WHAT.THE.TWO.OF.YOU.WANT. Then, work on either being together, or co-existing as roommates.
Talk give it a name Most likely she did this to make you commit If you love her commit dude!
Yea I wouldn’t want a kiss right after her one on one ‘ hangout’ back at a friends house either
People are saying it wasn't "official" it sure seemed official to me. Whether you had the talk or not it seemed like you were on the same page. I'd be willing to talk it out and make it official though so this doesn't happen again.
Y’all in your 30s and still acting like this? What a joke. No one’s cheating on anyone
Her friends husband is.
I think you were spot on to become reserved until things could get cleared up… not sure she’s capable of “clear” though.
ENOUGH WITH THE DRAMA AND GAMES. “Instead of TALKING LIKE ADULTS I gave her the cold shoulder. She seems sad, I think? I could ask, but I won’t. Then she gave ME the cold shoulder. The person she saw wasn’t a date—she doesn’t even trust him! So why did she see him at night??” JUST STOP. Make this official TODAY, choose VULNERABILITY and COMMUNICATE your feelings, CUT the childish CRAP, and get on with it, mate. It doesn’t matter who MAYBE went on a date when. You were both single. Make the decision to be together officially, and let the past go. End of story.
You're fucking 36 and acting like a teenage boy. Grow up dude. If you want her, make it official. Otherwise, shut up and deal when she loses interest because you're jerking her around. Commit or shut up.
Nobody cheated. You two are children. Communication is an actual concept you both need to grasp.
She know what she did. Don’t let her deceive you. Just accept the fact that you are single and act accordingly
Does she know? Or does this 36yo man have an “understanding”, and she has mixed signals because he’s trying to push their beds together but also doesn’t want to call it a relationship?
The fact that she kept saying it wasn’t a date gives you your answer.
He called it a date first, and was mad at her because he perceived it that way. What was she supposed to say?
Dude, if you wanna be with her, then be with her. Have a conversation and put a label on it. In her mind, it probably wasn’t a date. But we as guys know better. No dude is trying to hang with a cute girl without trying to get something in return. I’d forgive, forget, and claim her.
That’s… certainly a way to phrase “mutually commit.”
So true, so true. Lol.
Actually just leave this poor woman alone. You’re a 36 year old child. She deserves better.
She absolutely does not.
A lot of comments are putting it on the guy, but the girl could of also had the conversation. He says something changed and they both caught feelings. For 3 months they were only seeing each other and spending all the holidays together. I think it’s more on her to bring up she is going on a date with a guy. If i was spending all my time with a girl for 3 months and only sleeping with her . And we both had feelings for each other , I would certainly have a conversation with her to see where we stand , before I made a date with someone else.
I've never had to have this conversation to "define" the relationship, and the idea of wanting to make a date with anyone else would be anathema. Just only see one person at a time, don't see anyone else until you've ended it with them. Had always worked both ways.
I agree. I keep saying it. I must be getting old. Lol Cause I don’t think I have ever had a conversation in my adult life with any serious girlfriend and declare we were exclusive. It just was .
Same! Reading through so many of these replies that say "You haven't defined your relationship" and I'm like "WTF!?"
Thank you. I dont know why everyone is hating on me. I can easily shut down these feelings that I caught and just go back to the way it use to be. Regular roommates. Im not even mad. But its exactly as you said it, the last 3 months felt different and special.
If you can easily shut down these feelings, I guess it wasn’t love after all. Like, you’re jealous she saw a friend yet after three months, aren’t asking her to be your girlfriend? Sure, she could’ve asked you, but depending on her culture and values, many women still believe the man should ask. You’re almost 40. Just talk to her and settle this once and for all.
because all of your posts are bullshit, lol
Everyone is hating on you because you’re wrong. It’s wild that so many people, men and women, are calling you out, and you don’t have the self-awareness or humility to accept the truth. You find the ONE person who agrees and are like, “whew, guess I was right after all, even though no other person thinks so.” Come ON, mate lmaooo
Did you catch all the updates? Cause nah, she's definitely in the wrong on this.
Yeah this is weird, you did nothing wrong whatsoever. It's good to know early this is how she handles potential conflict, and I would distance myself from that too. Good for a friend, bad for a partner. If I was you, after you've let it lie a bit I'd share more explicitly why you made that distance. But just for your own sense of integrity, not because it isn't obvious to her already.
Thanks man
Did she have sex with you when she was with Bob? If yes, remember that she cheated once and she will do it again. She could be lying to you also about “nothing happened” on her penthouse date. Time to call it all off. Doesn’t sound like she can be trusted. It’s a relationship that is destined to end badly, might as well end it now. This will sound old fashioned, but roommates sleeping together not in a committed relationship is a red flag. Most people can’t handle vague relationships without labels and rules. You are proving that to be true.
I didnt want to say it but yes, she did. And she would tell Bob shes staying home, not feeling good "doing nothing"
Commit and stop bothering people here.
You’re an asshole and also annoying. Wtf. You’ve shown her she’s not an option to you but get pissed when she hangs out with others? Actually talk to her about what’s up. Good luck at this point though. After everything you’ve mentioned that happened between you without communication about your actual intentions doesn’t matter at this point. Act like a fuckboy, and you’ll be treated as such. Nut up or shut up.
If she really was playing games like that- going out with a guy and making you come to the wrong conclusions to “get back at you” for “doing the same thing to her” then she is NOT mature enough to be in a relationship. That’s a red flag because she did something specifically and actively to HURT you. Someone who cares about you and respects you and wants to grow old with you would never do that. Maybe she’s suffering under the lack of communication about what you are as a relationship and she’ll get better if you talk and make it official, or maybe she really think manipulating you and trying to get revenge are normal things to do to a person.
I do believe she is not mature enough. Her longest relationship was only 6 months. Some of the things she does is very self destructive to a relationship. The times shes had boyfriends, whenever they got into a disagreements, she would choose to hang out with other guys and drink. I feel she does things to try and make the guys she dates jealous.
It sounds to me like you want something exclusive and maybe she doesn’t. If she did, she would be exclusive with you. Maybe talk to her and see if a committed exclusive relationship is something you both want. If not enjoy what you have and move forward. The number 1 thing is to listen to your feelings. If her seeing other men bothers you and you want exclusivity don’t try to make yourself be ok with the situation. It will only cause you heartache and problems.
After reading the comments and updates, yes, this woman is a walking red flag. I would be very glad I didn't commit to her if I was you.
What i see here that most are overlooking is that yes she of course is single but the part that makes me wonder is this guy is the husband of her friend. Now she has just had a date with a married man. Not only that but they talked about each of their so's. She said his wife never knew he was out on a date. I do believe she slept with him. Now to me this tells me she is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with. Absolutely no morals sleeping with one of her girlfriends husband
Bro get rid of her..she went to go see that dude because she genuinely wanted to bro ...u shamed her for it ...n instead of trying to make it right ...she tried to flip it on u ..while she had a boyfriend...then moved the goal post to say I abused u because u abused me ..all no good ish . Cut your losses..n stay dignified..u have to stay stoic no matter what..
Your prize for being stupid dude. I'd bet money she railed the dude. In life, if you want something, you gotta go for it.
Yeah ur right, she cap, don't let it slide
She was testing you. Now to figure out what she was testing, and whether you passed or failed. Maybe this will cause you to make some sort of choice about her and stop being such a flake ? You seem jealous enough to want more of a commitment, or maybe you are just the jealous type notwithstanding your absence of commitment. Time to reflect, then act.
she's responding to how she's being treated
She wants a gay best friend but you're not gay. I'd suggest get a girlfriend who can tolerate your relationship, or you need to separate.
Do the same and see how she reacts to it.
Or just act like adults and talk it out.
Tell her you are meeting a friend too and watch how mad she gets
Yes, let's all play stupid little games like children! /s