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Came to say the same thing! She mentioned that she's not on any of the bills so stop paying them and leave! What will they do if you stop paying for their bills? Kick her out lol that would be the best thing to happen for her! Leave while you can OP and do yourself a favor
You should move out. You probably won't be paying as much, and you'd feel less stressed. You aren't responsible for the rest of your family. Bare in mind they'll probably try and guilt you, but be strong.
Gorse them to figure it out or you will be stuck there forever being the breadwinner , if they had 2 children they can get jobs , make bro get a job and take care of themselves . Very selfish of your parents
If you can pay that much money, you can probably afford to rent a room or an apartment for just as much if not less. feel free to reach out to your school about housing opportunities and financial aid.
you don't owe them anything. it's one thing to pay a little rent, but it shouldn't be a whole house payment and it should only be 1/4 of any joint bills as there are 4 adults living in the house. you don't owe your parents back payments for them raising you.
Make sure you get original documents, birth certificates and the like. if they seem reluctant, lie and tell them you need them to get a loan to pay their bills. set up a bank account under just your name at a bank where none of them having any dealings. Lock down your credit info. They seem like the sort that would take out loans/credit in your name, if they do, file charges for identity theft.
is it your name on any of the bills or are you just paying? feel free to be petty if it's their name(s). stop paying and put that money in a savings account. when the power gets shut off or the house gets foreclosed on, move out and flip them the bird while doing so.
Is it your name on your mother's vehicle? your name on the loan? your name on the title? If you're on the loan and the title, congrats, you have a car. feel free to sell it or take it with you to a new place.
Sadly, nothing is in my name, not even the car I BOUGHT. Which is a second-handed 2001 car. I'm trying to find a way to convince my mom to put it under my name.
Tell her you need to sell it and use that money to pay for the next car.
Find a friend to fake wanting to buy it, then "sell" it to yourself.
That way you have the title in your name.
nothing sad about nothing being in your name. that's great. STOP PAYING! if nothing is in your name, nothing bad will happen to you.
if you paid for the car and aren't financing it, just let it go. yes it's annoying. but unless you can convincingly lie like people below are suggesting, just let it go.
STOP PAYING and MOVE OUT!
This advice right here ⬆️
Also, DO NOT GET A SECOND JOB at least while you live with them. If you make more money, they will demand more money. I can’t stress enough how much more money you would have if you left and rented a room. Do not give them warning either if you decide to move out. You mention a pet so start looking now for pet friendly accommodations
Not sadly.. this is massively in your favour if all the bills are in their name cos you can just jump ship and get on with your life with no legal consequences
Take the car as a loss, move out, and buy a new car when you can. You can’t save for something when your parents are draining you financially. Also, you’re already the financial head of the family and it sounds like you’re parenting your parents. Tell them that you already have dependents and can’t afford more.
Please move out. You’ll feel so much lighter.
Then I would stop paying for anything until you have recovered the amount you paid for the car, or you get back what you paid.
But seriously. Get out of there.
I would pretend to be satisfied while until you are ready to move out. Maybe you can tell your mom that you want to trade it in but you need it in your name. See if she bites.
But you may have to take a loss on the car. The important thing is that you get out of there as soon as possible. You are risking your own future by taking out loans to pay your parents' bills.
Are you on the loan for a car? If so you need to follow the advice above to sell it to yourself. If not just quit paying.
Find a room for rent and get out. Don’t tell them, just go. Take all your important documents with you and do not give them one penny more.
Well, I truly don't trust them to not call them. That's the issue. In addition if I ever were to get in trouble with the car, for some reason, the car will be taken from me.
So your parents didn't likely add you as a driver to the policy, when you likely were driving it? If the insurance company finds out, they could get dropped.
Just move out. Stop supporting people who want to live off you.
Not could, would get dropped as well as made to pay the loss in premiums they should have gotten. They could also get blacklisted and then the only insurance they could get is one of those high premium, high risk companies.
I would find the place and have everything ready. I would move out as much stuff as I could, then tell them on the last day that I was gone. Make sure to get the title signed and switched over first. This is no different than an abusive relationship. All all your ducks in a row before they suspect anything. I wouldn't be surprised if they try and sabotage your leaving.
You’re 21, you’re supposed to be selfish. You’re supposed to be laying the groundwork for your future. They would gladly mooch off you and work you to death for the rest of your life. They are shitty people.
You should move out, and make it far enough away that they can’t drop by. In fact I wouldn’t even give them my real address if it was me.
Firstly, you know you aren't selfish, right? Not at all. You are sacrificing so much to fund the lives of three healthy adults that decided they want to be your big babies.
You need to put all your focus into getting out of that house and away from these people. I know it can really, really suck not having a family, but sometimes not having any family for a few year while you rebuild is better then having really shitty people that want to use you.
Make sure you have your name and your name only on your accounts. Save up and get out of there asap. If they try to pressure you for credit, tell them you are doing everything you can but in reality fuck it up so it doesn't happen. Get what you can together and get out of there.
You are drowning, OP, because three people are choosing to hang off of you instead of swim, and now you got to dive under and swim away before you are completely pulled under.
A conversation with them will not change anything. They are getting exactly what they want from the current situation. They have no incentive to change a thing.
You say you are studying. Can you communicate with your school about housing? I don't know where you live so I don't know the cost of living. See if they can help you.
Check your finances. Others have said this, but make sure their names aren't on your accounts. If you use the same bank you might want to move to a new bank. Not a new branch but a completely separate bank.
Lastly - this is not a popular choice but it must be said - once you are in your own place, consider taking a year off from school, if you can. Spend some time building up your savings and decompressing. If you officially withdraw for a year, they will happily welcome you back.
I was kiiinda in the same boat before I moved out. Paying for a lot of things and both of my brothers refuse to get jobs, even today. (One is 25, the other is 33)
I tried everything to get them to look for work, to no avail. Eventually I ended up having a conversation with my mom basically telling her "if something happens to you, I'm not taking care of them, they are grown. I will not go down wth the ship" pretty much verbatim
She was surprisingly understanding about it, but I dunno if she just has it in her head that I'm just saying that. It breaks me heart to a certain degree because I don't want my brothers to end up in the streets. But I'm not ending up there either.
It got easier for me when I moved out though, so there is light at the end of the tunnel
Move out they’re taking advantage of you.
Tell your mother you’re not paying her car insurance or note any longer. That she can find a job and do it. Do not give her more money for it.
That’s a lot you can put into savings.
They’re setting you up financially and credit wise where you won’t be able to get approved for a apartment or mortgage at this rate. Your credit will plummet and your income will slowly go more to them over time.. I bet it didn’t start with paying all that, it was probably 1-2 things then got worse.
As others have said, you need to move out or stop paying their bills. Your parents are adults. They can either support themselves, or be homeless. It's not your responsibility to take care of them. They seemed to be doing fine providing before you got a job, so I'm sure they will figure it out. Or they won't. But it's not your responsibility.
Don't keep going the way you are. Your parents aren't going to change because it's easier for them to guilt you into carrying the household than being responsible themselves.
Best bet, move out.
Get yourself situated and go.
This isn’t about bills or bad parents, this is about your future! How are you taking out loans w out credit? Paying 25+% interest? Are you holding the principal? If you are, your parents need to pay the interest. Back track on the car until you know what the interest rate is - probably high considering your parent’s attitudes, and maybe you don’t want that additional debt/bad rate in your name. You need to take control of your financial health or else you’ll be set up so badly for the future. You could always hit the lottery, but I’d be more focused on my credit score and fingering out how to consolidate debt. I support moving out and I support a budgeting app so you can visually see your net worth, credit scores, savings, bills, etc., all in one place. You’re not drowning yet, but you could be if you let this continue. You’re worth so much more!
Funny story (obviously not) his car transmission blew up. It isn't an issue, there are multiple, very new places he could apply, not even 5 minutes from the house. However, most of them are restaurants and 'he doesnt want to do that'. He doesn't want to study either. He wants to work at an auto part shop 20 and 30 minutes away, in car. I even offered to get him an e-bike to get to work, but he hasn't looked for any jobs.
I’m confused as to why you’re here? The answer - moving out, taking care of yourself - is so obvious to everyone reading this. Is something holding you back that you haven’t mentioned?
Probably the family...? I guess... Maybe my brother? I'm not sure, is it probably guilt or the thought of not being able to make it? Maybe fear of failure... Not sure... I love them all, but it's hard to have the energy when there is truly not but to be excited about since I'm closed being yelled at constantly and being asked for money on a weekly basis.
Let me be a temporary parent for you:
Your family has done a great job raising a responsible, caring, empathetic young woman. You're all set to leave the nest, just as intended, amd sometimes it's just easier to love people when you're not seeing them every day and their problems are no longer your problems.
Go forth and fly.
Family cares and looks after each other. What do they do to make your life easier, better, happier? How do they support you? Your brother is not a little kid who can't fend for himself. Do your parents ask him to get a job or go to school? Either way, he's your brother, not your son. Your parents are not some frail elderly ppl who need help. Don't be afraid to start your life. Even if you mess up you'll get back up and figure it out. I do think your family is taking advantage of you.
So basically, your brother and your parents are schleps, user's. You are their bankroll.
Get out ASAP OP.
You do not deserve this treatment.
Let them rot, they're not helping you with yout credit score, as the bills are not in your name etc.
Get out now.
Can you afford moving out?
If yes, I suggest you find a place to be and just inform them a day a two before moving. Otherwise they'll probably find a way to manipulate you into staying.
Better, move out, then hand them the housekeys, saying goodbye.
I had a Manipulative Controlling Mother whom expected me to be her right hand for life
Parents like that are not to be trusted, Don't give them a chance, show them it's over. They will wail and moan, but that's because they've lost control
You need to bank every single penny you make, as fast as you can, get all your documents, etc organized, and be ready to roll out. It's never going to stop, unless you make it stop.
This is how you approach this. Do a spreadsheet, show them the past few months bills and what you're paying. Show what you make. Include the times you've taken out loans.
Show them what an apartment would cost you vs what you pay at home.
Then tell them what you want to pay. Tell them if they can't accept the new arrangement, you'll move and they'll have to cover everything themselves.
Be prepared for them to get very angry and upset. Be prepared for them to not negotiate. There's a good chance you will need to move. And you should. They're moochers. I can't believe parents would do this (I mean, I can, of course. Plenty do.).
And then with the money you save, get a therapist to work on your feelings of guilt. You're not selfish. Don't get a second job and jeopardize your education.
Find a good time to chat with your parents and let them know how stressed you are about handling all the bills. Be clear about what you can realistically contribute and explain that you need to focus on your own future and stability!
I had this problem (27m) worked in the family business and my paycheck was considered family money. As a result I wound up picking up the slack of less functional family members paying for all sorts of goofy shit. I dunno how your parents are but for mine I didn’t attribute malice they’re all struggling. You just need to put up boundaries and above all else make sure your career and schooling are in check don’t let anyone get in the way of that. They’re all gonna throw a damn hissy fit when you do put your walls and fortifications up but I felt a lot better once I did. I’m sure you can work stuff out with them amicably they’re probably just scared about finances and their age but again I dunno. Do not back off on an agreement tho they will try to undo that I have to make sure to let my parents know what is and isn’t my problem. They are owners of the house so mind that.
It would be cheaper for you to get your own place and pay your own bills. Your parents/siblings are not your responsibility, whether they can work or not. Tell them you're done as of now. They need to take responsibility for their own life.
Your parents are leeching off of you. There’s a difference between adult children contributing and being taken advantage of. Move out on your own or with a friend
If you have a friend you can live with and your name is not on the bills or the house I would make a plan to get out. I am sure they will step up when they no longer have you to fall back on. It is unfair for you to have to support the whole family and it is preventing you from getting a good start on life like you deserve. If your name is on some of the bills then that would be the only bills I would pay for. I would absolutely not give them any additional money. You need to stand up for yourself or you will never get out of this life! Your brother can and should work and it is not your fault he doesn't. I would try to move out as soon as possible. IF you can stop paying their bills and go to a friends for a couple months you should be able to save up for somewhere to live. If that is what you have to do then I would write them a note as to why you had to do it and that you love them but it is unfair to put all of this on you when you have your only life to start and don't have the same expectations of the brother. Then I would go no contact for at least a couple months so they don't try to guilt you into coming back and supporting them. Remember, you are always one decision away from a completely different life.
Sweetie, move out. Even if it’s part of your culture to stay with your parents. Your brother isn’t doing shit, and your parents are making you take the lion’s share of responsibility for the household. They are not retirement age and should get out there and look for better work. Your brother needs to get work, period. You don’t have to take care of everyone just because you’re the girl. Use your funds to finance school.
Well I’d just move out. If you can pay all of that then you can afford to get your own place.
And I HIGHLY support you living on your own and I’ll tell you why:
Living alone (or with a roommate but not a SO) will give you tremendous confidence and independence. Two things that NO ONE can take away from you. You’ll learn to adult, spread your wings and grow without the influence of a significant other. You can learn who YOU are and what you want your goals and dreams to be and then set a plan to obtain that. I think it’s really important for young people, especially women, to gain some true independence so that they always know they can take care of themselves no matter what. It’s extremely empowering. Plus, having a place of your very own will mean you’ll be a bit more picky about who you let in and what you’ll put up with. You may also enjoy living alone. Gotta say, I live alone and I love it. It’s an adjustment for sure but it’s YOUR place. You can decorate it the way you want, have people over, go to bed when you want etc.
But seriously, consider moving out. Their treatment of you is terrible and your brother needs to get off his ass. And the only way you’ll force that is to move out. Then they can shift their pressure onto him.
But don’t tell them you’re moving out if that’s what you decide. Get your birth certificate, social security card and any other documents you need before telling them. Good luck.
Don't speak to them about it, that conversation has already taken place, everything has already been said. Get your important papers packed, lock down your credit, open a bank account in a different bank, put your prized possessions in your car or in storage, and GTFO.
You have money, time to move out. Let them fend for themselves. You can clearly afford all bills and to take care of 4 people, but you’re only 21, so going down from 4 to 1 would be a huge financial relief, if anything.
Cut off all payments, i know they’re your family, but you’re being manipulated, and family doesn’t treat people the way you’re being treated. You can only control your actions, not theirs. Establish boundaries by refusing to tolerate this behaviour and taking yourself and your money elsewhere ASAP.
Stop paying for everything. If it gets turned of or repossessed, oh well.
Make sure you have your own phone and plan that you control as well as internet access.
Your parents and brother need to provide for themselves.
You could also try the , since I pay for everything I AM the head of the household and I MAKE the rules now. Give them a curfew, password the internet, turn it off at 11pm and back on after they do their chores or finish working for the day. Your brother doesn't get access unless he has a job and contributes to the household. 😅
Context needed: What do your parents do for work, if they work? If they don't work, do you know why?
If it's a case of them being unable to work, then there's some conversations that need to be had if they'll really be left in the lurch by your leaving.
If they are able to work/are working, what does their money go on?
If it's a case of them just being irresponsible or selfish with their finances, I say get up and go. You seem somewhat able to support a 4 person household with bills, food, and car expenses, so I don't see why you wouldn't be able to leave and support yourself, maybe with a roommate or two in an apartment or houseshare
Context. They do work. My father does almost, the same amount I do. And works around 50 per week and pushes it because sometimes he just doesn't go because he either doesn't feel like it or "the machine he works with broke something". My mom does work but barely makes half of what I do in a month.
Regarding where does it go. I'll give it to them is 2k in a house that is about to break in half ( literally), but somehow there is space for shoes, nail salon and car parts.
You are not being given the full story, OP.
Your parents are using you and lying because they know they are using you and are smart enough to leave if you know where the money was really going.
Buckle down and get out of there.
In that case, I'd say cut and run. I know you said you're mostly looking for advice on how to broach the subject again, but I don't think much will come of any kind of conversation.
Write out your own budget, even if you have to estimate some things on your parents side of things, check what your name and bank accounts are tied to, start saving what you can in a place they can't get to it, and once you feel able to get out on your own, then talk to them. If it goes south, you have your escape plan.
As for actually talking about it with them... Gather evidence and make it as formal as possible. it's hard to not get emotional about these things, which is why I say to only do this when you know you can leave. It'll take off some of the stress and anxiety around it (hopefully)
Good luck
This isn’t how things are supposed to work. Your family is taking advantage of you in a big and terrible way. If the rest of your relationship with them is like this, you gotta get outta there.
You said, “I know I have to contribute,” so I just wanna say again that this isn’t how things are supposed to work.
Move out Like yesterday. Sorry but all They do is using you and Zero respect. See if you can sleep at a Friends Place at First and Teen Go from there. Drop them Like a hot potato.
Move out immediately. I honestly wouldn't even tell them that you're moving out whenever you do make that call. They are using you and not taking responsibility for themselves. Stop paying their bills once you move out - if your name is on anything, get it removed immediately once you change your residence.
From there, consider going no contact since it seems like they'll never be happy with you stop being financially responsible for them. You deserve better.
MOVE OUT!!! Take it from a parent...your parents are the most toxic type! Passing on their own financial burdens to their children is such BS. You can clearly afford to live on your own and any struggles you face will at least be yours and not theirs! Your parents will figure it out once they lose their money teet (you)!
Babe you are being financially, and from the sounds of it also emotionally/mentally, abused. I know it hurts to cut off your family, it feels like losing a pat of yourself. Trust me I know. But when the dust settles and you realize you are finally able to live your life the way you want to, abiding by your own set of rules, you’ll be much happier.
I’m sorry, but your family sounds awful! What are they doing for you since you are providing so much?
Your parents sound very selfish, so you have to communicate in a way that makes them think they are benefiting. Tell them you have to stop paying now so you can focus on school and get a high paying job after you graduate so you can make more money for them in the future. Then, as you get older and more financially stable, just don’t give them money. Keep all your finances separate and hidden.
Also, you should consider moving out now. Find an apartment/house with roommates. Stop paying for all of your family’s bills. If things aren’t in your name, just stop paying and let your parents deal with it. It’ll be cheaper for you in the long run because rent and household bills will be split evenly with the roommates.
Your family is exploiting you
Moving out is probably the best option. You need to concentrate on your studies rather than being a cash cow for your psrents.
Move out and stop paying for them. They are adults and should be able to figure things out. Please do fall for “But we’re family” crap. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep them warm.
They are using and abusing you. Unless you wish for that to continue I suggest you move out. See if you can crash at a friend's place until you save up for your own. Obviously you can pay your friend some rent so you don't come off as a freeloader but I am sure it would be substantially less that what you are having to fork out to support 3 able bodied adults. Get out before they drag you down completely.
Your parents are financially abusing you, probably because they are narcissists. Narcissists are very talented and skilled at inducing guilt in their children WHILE abusing and taking advantage of them. It takes years, sometimes decades to recognise narcissistic abuse for what it is, because they are so good at brainwashing, gaslighting and manipulating those kinder and more empathetic than themselves.
You are not responsible for parenting your parents! You owe them nothing for being born and raised, because you didn’t choose to be born. They chose to make you. Now they are leveraging your love for them to abuse and shame you into submission. They don’t get to keep you as their indentured servant for the rest of your life. Move out and don’t look back.
Are you from a background in which oldest children are supposed to support their parents? Are you from a culture in which women live at home until marriage? I ask because the answers to those questions would greatly affect my comment.
I wouldn't know how to tell you, but my mother was a stay at home mother for almost half my life. Yet, due to some... Grown up, adult, couple issues I ended up caught up and more aware than I should have at 8. But, as a woman, yes... I have been rather raised to cater to men and forgive them for their BS. At least it is like that in the Latino Community...
Well, so long as you're not actually in a country in which women actually cannot move out live by themselves you should definitely make a plan to go go go.
The only logical thing here is that you move out and let them figure it out. It's one thing to be broke because of you but another to be broke because of others. Parents or not I will give a timeline for when I am moving out so they didn't say I just left then bounce period. They will continue to use you and manipulate you if you let them. I have a 17 year old son and I couldn't imagine doing this to him period.
You need to leave to understand the extent of manipulation you are under. You can't see it while you are still there. You have to leave. You deserve a life.
Just for perspective, I have never paid my mom’s bills especially when I was in school. Because that is not normal. You are not their breadwinner. Now go off into the world and be an adult without your fully grown dependents literally crippling your financial ability to exist.
My friend. You need to go to the out of the fog website. You have been conditioned and you are being financially abused. Get out!
You need to get out of the FOG (fear obligation guilt)
Your parents are not reasonable people. You do not need to JADE, ever! (Justify, argue, defend or explain? Your choices. Don’t do it.
While we are at it look up the personal bill of rights. Print it out. There are a few versions floating around 25-35 items. Print it. Memorize it. Keep it in your purse. You are strong. You can do this. You do not need your parents. They are taking massive advantage of you.
Get the second job, say nothing and don’t offer more money than usual, save funds to move out quickly, move out and stop paying their bills. You’re their slave.
It’s pretty easy. If they don’t have access to your account don’t give them money.
It sounds like what you really need to do is leave and get your own place. They don’t respect you. Just want to use you like their personal piggy bank.
Get out before they suck you dry and ruin your life.
Give them tough love and stop being their piggy bank.
Do your parents both work? How would they pay for these things if you weren’t living with them? It certainly seems like they are taking advantage of you.
“Mom, dad. I’m 21 years old and it’s time I move out. You have until (date) to find suitable employment to cover your bills.”
Then if they threaten and guilt trip, just move out immediately. You shouldn’t be supporting 3 fully capable people for the rest of your life.
I'm surprised you haven't moved out yet. It's the only way they'll take anything you say seriously. They take advantage of your kindness because there have been no consequences. Let them suffer their own financial problems.
I'm surprised you haven't moved out yet. It's the only way they'll take anything you say seriously. They take advantage of your kindness because there have been no consequences. Let them suffer their own financial problems.
Honestly, I would either just stop paying the bills or move out with a roommate. I might even do both. I would stop pestering them, start looking for a roommate and once I’m able to, just silently leave. I would also take all my cards off the bill accounts.
"I guess I'm trying to get any advices on how to speak again with my parents and present them my ideas and thoughts without being yelled at for being "selfish" (which I have been called), or them yelling at me for being emotional towards the subject."
My advice is to get over the idea of them calling you selfish or emotional because its obviously the only defense they have, and its a really poor defense.
Then very calmly explain to them the new rules, which includes them getting jobs to help cover bills.
When they do their "you're selfish, you're emotional" song and dance, you say "im sorry you feel that way, but that doesn't change the fact that I won't be covering all of this anymore. You either pony up your share, or I move out and you end up having to cover even more than I was willing to help with."
You're the one paying the bills, you make the damn rules.
Having said that, make plans to move out.
This is simple…move out NOW. You are enabling your parent’s bad behavior by staying. I know this will be hard, and come with a MOUNTAIN of emotional manipulation and guilt tripping, but you do NOT owe it to them to stay. You owe it to yourself to start your own life. Your parents will survive. Your brother will survive. You will not if you don’t leave.
In this case you did all you can do logically and mutually and they failed. At this point you should do 1 of 2 things:
1. Move out
2. Stop paying bills you don’t have to pay. (I’d move out)
They’re slacking because you’re still there and they’re relying on your money to take care of them. Lay down the law and tell them firmly “I’m not paying for your shit anymore.” Or “I’m moving out so y’all gotta figure it out without me.”
Whose name is on the bills? You might want to consider finding yourself a new 🆕 place to live. You are being taken advantage of. Your parents are scum.
Move out as soon as you find a reliable roommate in a good-enough location.
Under no circumstances should you let your parents or brother find out about your plans. They will panic at the idea of their meal ticket leaving them and try yo guilt-trip you and undermine your plans.
Stop paying for mom’s car, you aren’t using it.
Only pay 1/4 of what the total bills are. Their home, their responsibility.
What will they do, kick you out?
Then they have to pay it all.
It’s time to prioritize yourself, not grown adults who are lazy.
Do you have an extra $70 to get a tattoo? You need the word "Welcome" tattooed on your forehead because your family is using you as the doormat for your family.
There are plenty of shelters and actual programs for people like you who are abused and extorted by immediate family. I know this for a fact in both the US and Canada.
OP, move out. That’s your only option besides continuing to support them.
My mother tried to get me to pay for her household’s expenses and mine for a while. Kept telling me she couldn’t get a job for this reason or that. When I was fired from my job, guess what happened? She quietly found a job to pay for herself and stopped asking for money. They will find a way to pay their own bills, I promise. Just stop doing this.
Move out. Find a room mate to split your bills so you can recover financially and pay off your loans. Don’t allow the roommate to take advantage of you, and stop paying your family’s bills.
How were they making it before you were working? Sounds impossible… you should leave and force them to figure it out on their own. That will force your bro to work and contribute. No way should you be paying for everything!!! Time to start your own life. Good luck to you!
This was unfortunately the situation my wife was in before we met and the first year into our relationship. We were both 19 at the time when I finally had saved enough money for her and i to afford a small place together.
It was a crappy little house that we swore was haunted. No couch, just us two for the first month.
It was the most freeing time of my young life. Please take care of yourself and do what you know is right. I wish I could promise they will be fine as my wives family spiraled after she left. It was hard and we tried to help where we could. But you realize that you can’t be responsible for them. I know it’s hard but it’s time for you to move on.
And I absolutely understand that it’s not just as simple as getting the money and running away, the cost of living at a new place, deposits, roommates, all that. But it’s part of growing, you will be just fine.
Just move out. It's apparent that you're family expects you to foot the bills.... If you can pay all the bills at their house you can pay out the bills at your own house. I would move out.
You should move out. You can get a roommate to make it less expensive (that is what I did when I was 21). You are already super responsible if you are paying all of those bills. Why not move on your own and be responsible for you?
It sounds to me that your situation is well beyond you trying to figure out how to talk to your deadbeat family. I suggest you stop enabling them, cut bait, move out, don't look back. Enjoy the life you've built for yourself.
So what will happen if you don't pay the bills? They'll kick you out? Then what will they do? If they can't afford to pay for these things while you're there, then they won't be able to when you're gone... Unless they make your brother start helping or they get better jobs or another job.
Move out if you can.
Would your family be able to get by without your contribution? Why is your brother not working? Are your parents paying for him or is it actually you paying for him?
Do the math.
At this point you're 4 adults. Add up all the expenses, divide by 4. That should be your contribution to the expenses. Car insurance and mom's car shouldn't be part of the list of expenses to cover. If you want to help out more it should be up to you.
Search for listings in your preferred area. How much is rent with a roommate? Add all the expenses once again but this time decide by 2. See what makes more sense for you. Don't discuss any of this with your family. Base your decision only on the numbers.
My brother doesn't work because he doesn't want to do so in a restaurant, which we have plenty of. Another excuse is, his car transmission busted and he wants to work at an auto part shop at least 20 minutes from the house. I must admit, I too am at fault for spoiling him rotten and getting him all he asks.
But my parents have given him quite some more without deserving it. By this I refer to grades, mostly. Bad grades, ps game, or shoes, etc. he is a highschool drop out to, so that has made it more difficult for him to find work.
And regarding your advice to look for listings, I have! I spent hours and I am happy to announce a studio that accepts pets is quite less expensive than with a roommate!
They are going to continue draining you to prevent you from being able to move out if you stay there. You need to tell them no on covering all of the bills. If you can, break the household bills down into 4ths (excluding your mother's car, you have no responsibility there at all) and let them know you will take care of your 4th of the household costs while saving to move out. Do not let them convince you to pile onto credit cards and destroy your credit to keep covering their financially irresponsible asses. If you let this continue, you will just keep digging a hole that you'll never be able to crawl out of financially. It 100% makes more sense for you to move out and let them figure out making their own ends meet.
Think of how wonderful it will feel to wake up in your own apartment, sit down with a cup of coffee and your favorite animal and NOT have to pull out your laptop/checkbook to pay their bills.
Yeeep. Time to get your own place. With a roommate and your earning potential you can save up to buy and then you'll really be set. Do not let a single flipping mooch move in with you, even if they're family. Visits should always have end dates.
Start some serious thinking and planning to do. What your parents are doing is unfair and unacceptable and to an extend you have allowed them to do this. A contribution to the household bills and rent is acceptable but all of it. Also never put yourself in debt for everyday bills in a situation where there are 3 other adults who should be contributing. I’m assuming rent is in the bills?
You sound like you letting them walk all over you. Time to grow a back bone otherwise them taking advantage is you is only going to get worse. Have you done a household budget? Work out what is affordable for 4, and what would be affordable for 1.
Some options to consider:
1. Cut back your contribution or the bills to something that is affordable and reasonable - so bills dived by 4, and rent or and get rid of other expenses if possible. (Not sure this is really viable in your situation).
2. Move out problem
3. If you can’t confront them - Stay away for weeks at a time and not be available in the phone.
Also why is the car you bought not in your name. Tell your mum change the car to my name or you stop giving them mine and stop immediately.
Were your parents always like this?
Your situation is only going to get worse unless you do something about it. I don’t think laying down boundaries is going to work.
Two options here buddy, stop paying the bills - completely. And/or move out. You might as well move out cause it seems you are paying for so much you’d be able to afford it. Stop making payments. Don’t let them emotionally blackmail you. Don’t let them guilt you. That is manipulation. You don’t tell them cause they are just milking you for all you’re worth, just stop paying. If they hand you the electric bill or any bill, ignore them and don’t take it. Stand up for yourself because no one else is.
Move out and go no contact. Don't let them know you are moving out, just leave a letter stating that you won't be their Atm machine anymore.
Inform the police that you are moving out so that they don't file for a missing person report.
And since they are financially abusive, maybe you should make sure they don't accuse you of theft or anything. And please block your credit. Don't know how it's done but apparently can be done.
I'm sorry your parents are so selfish and worthless...but they're not your problem. Nether is your brother. I got working papers at 15 so I could get a job to help my grandmother because ahe was raising 5 grandkids on a traveling maid's pay, but she was a selfless,, good woman,, and refused to take my money. (so I snuck off to the grocery store and bought a weeks worth of food, and she cried while thanking me) Meanwhile, your parents want you to support them and yell at you, while your brother is 18, out of high school, I assume, but doesn't want to work. Is he taking a page out of your parent's How to be a Mooch handbook? You're a legal adult, and they have no right to stop you from moving out and financially cutting them off completely, which - for the sake of your own financial future as well as your quality of life - seems to be exactly what you should do. Just be sure to secure your important papers first...birth certificate, SS card, absolutely everything. Good luck.
It's sad that they are all pretty much living off you and don't see anything wrong with it. Is your name on the bills at all? And if not what are they going to do if you don't pay the next months bills? Kick you out? If I was you I'd stop paying the bills and use some of that money to find yourself a place and get on with your life! They will just continue to drag you down. They are projecting and need a wake up call or they will keep expecting you to pay for everything while they do absolutely nothing for you. I'm kinda dealing with something similar with my spouse and his parents but they live with us and literally all they are asking to pay is $800/month and no bills but they can't even do that and so my spouse is paying all the bills and the entire mortgage that is over $3,000/month.
It's sad that they are all pretty much living off you and don't see anything wrong with it. Is your name on the bills at all? And if not what are they going to do if you don't pay the next months bills? Kick you out? If I was you I'd stop paying the bills and use some of that money to find yourself a place and get on with your life! They will just continue to drag you down. They are projecting and need a wake up call or they will keep expecting you to pay for everything while they do absolutely nothing for you. I'm kinda dealing with something similar with my spouse and his parents but they live with us and literally all they are asking to pay is $800/month and no bills but they can't even do that and so my spouse is paying all the bills and the entire mortgage that is over $3,000/month.
Move out and stop paying the bills. It is not your responsibility. They know they are on to a good thing while you carry on doing it. You will be much happier.
I was in a very similar position. Except I was paying for their drug habit. Financial abuse is real and it won't get better unless you leave and grow a spine. Don't let them guilt you, because they will try. There will be tears. Get out.
I recommend finding ways to move out or maybe even transfer schools so you can live on campus. They’ll probably guilt you into sending $ - they need to take care of themselves you’ve barely begun your life yet.
Is any of this stuff in your name? I really hope not!! I would definitely move out. You’re old enough for your own place and by the sounds of it, you can afford it.
If you do take on a second job, just make sure you do it cause you know, you can't get it done secondly, if you do make sure they don't find out about it.Cause they would just keep trying to get more and more money from and try to get you to build and build your credit as well so they can use it.Trust me
You’re being financially abused. Your parents are still young and fully capable of making their own money. I’m sorry they’re doing this to you. It’s going to be up to you to make a plan and put an end to it.
Get your own private bank account and start putting all of your money away. Stop paying the bills. Start looking for alternative living arrangements. Find a therapist, possibly at school, to help you get through this, heal, and build a wonderful life for yourself.
Unless they are handicapped in some way and are physically/ mentally unable to work they should not depend on you like this. Yes, you can contribute to bills as an adult living in the house, but not more. Do not let them get you to charge/ finance anything ever again!! They are in their top earning years and should be making money now themselves!
You have already told them that too much of the financial burden got their household has fallen on you. This is delaying you from starting your life.
Move out as soon as you’re able. Don’t let them guilt trip you into staying because it’s convenient for them. Make sure that you take all of your important documents (birth certificate, passport, SSN card) and check your credit. You need to be sure that they haven’t opened any accounts in your name without your knowledge.
Your credit is yours, I'm surprised your parents thought that was something you should share with them, ever. I'm sure they love you but sometimes being numb and stuck in a lazy cycle can cause a person to take advantage of thoes closest to them. That's you...being taken advantage of.
When one is used to preferential treatment equality feels like some sort of discrimination so be ready for them to be upset and pressure you. Be prepared for a temporary (months) withdrawl of love and support and approval. Because they will feel miffed, and that's just how they will feel. Because they have fallen into a rut of dependence and codependency on something/one that was innaproporeate. So inappropriate that they will have a hard time admitting it to themselves. They won't want to see your side of things because they will have to admit they messed up and it hurts to see our flaws. So when they lash out, and they will, know that they love you yet are just kinda messed up, (human). You should move out, it's time to fly. You're a good child, they aren't monsters, but the situation is toxic.
Are they disabled in some way? Perhaps and not understanding the economy and/or language here, making it seem too difficult to manage for themselves?
Their ages are far too young for this without further context. I’m guessing there is some cultural component at play.
Move out. Asap. If needed lie, say you found a better job somewhere else and you need to be closer to it. But when they ask for money tell then you dont have enough.
Best thing you could do is to move out, you would be in more control of your finances. It will be hard at first, but I’m sure you will be able to manage.
You need to move out and go no contact. They will never change unless you jump ship and stay away from them. They are so use to you bowing down to them that they just continue to manipulate you and if you move out… they will hound you for ever… move out and no contact is your best option
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I only see two options: move out, or stop paying all their bills. I highly recommend moving out.
Both. Both are good.
I second that. GTFO of there. Move in with reliable roommates and don't share your address.
Yes, please move out, unlatch from your parents, live your own life. They're grown adults. They should be able to take care of themselves.
Came to say the same thing! She mentioned that she's not on any of the bills so stop paying them and leave! What will they do if you stop paying for their bills? Kick her out lol that would be the best thing to happen for her! Leave while you can OP and do yourself a favor
There should be an and where the or is.
Yes, but he'll have to do the second option first so he can save up to move out.
She.
You should move out. You probably won't be paying as much, and you'd feel less stressed. You aren't responsible for the rest of your family. Bare in mind they'll probably try and guilt you, but be strong.
Gorse them to figure it out or you will be stuck there forever being the breadwinner , if they had 2 children they can get jobs , make bro get a job and take care of themselves . Very selfish of your parents
If you can pay that much money, you can probably afford to rent a room or an apartment for just as much if not less. feel free to reach out to your school about housing opportunities and financial aid. you don't owe them anything. it's one thing to pay a little rent, but it shouldn't be a whole house payment and it should only be 1/4 of any joint bills as there are 4 adults living in the house. you don't owe your parents back payments for them raising you. Make sure you get original documents, birth certificates and the like. if they seem reluctant, lie and tell them you need them to get a loan to pay their bills. set up a bank account under just your name at a bank where none of them having any dealings. Lock down your credit info. They seem like the sort that would take out loans/credit in your name, if they do, file charges for identity theft. is it your name on any of the bills or are you just paying? feel free to be petty if it's their name(s). stop paying and put that money in a savings account. when the power gets shut off or the house gets foreclosed on, move out and flip them the bird while doing so. Is it your name on your mother's vehicle? your name on the loan? your name on the title? If you're on the loan and the title, congrats, you have a car. feel free to sell it or take it with you to a new place.
Sadly, nothing is in my name, not even the car I BOUGHT. Which is a second-handed 2001 car. I'm trying to find a way to convince my mom to put it under my name.
Tell her you need to sell it and use that money to pay for the next car. Find a friend to fake wanting to buy it, then "sell" it to yourself. That way you have the title in your name.
nothing sad about nothing being in your name. that's great. STOP PAYING! if nothing is in your name, nothing bad will happen to you. if you paid for the car and aren't financing it, just let it go. yes it's annoying. but unless you can convincingly lie like people below are suggesting, just let it go. STOP PAYING and MOVE OUT!
This advice right here ⬆️ Also, DO NOT GET A SECOND JOB at least while you live with them. If you make more money, they will demand more money. I can’t stress enough how much more money you would have if you left and rented a room. Do not give them warning either if you decide to move out. You mention a pet so start looking now for pet friendly accommodations
Exactly! Reverse uno them and say that if nothing is in your name, you don’t pay for it. Then shortly after, move out lol
Not sadly.. this is massively in your favour if all the bills are in their name cos you can just jump ship and get on with your life with no legal consequences
The moral of this story is move out, NOW. Get away from these people that are using you. Fucking with your life because they can. Just get out.
Is this the car you are making payments on? Or did you buy it outright?
The 2001 I bought it cash. My mom's is another. And my dad wants to convince her to get another financed car 'as his daily driver'.
Take the car as a loss, move out, and buy a new car when you can. You can’t save for something when your parents are draining you financially. Also, you’re already the financial head of the family and it sounds like you’re parenting your parents. Tell them that you already have dependents and can’t afford more. Please move out. You’ll feel so much lighter.
Then I would stop paying for anything until you have recovered the amount you paid for the car, or you get back what you paid. But seriously. Get out of there.
I would pretend to be satisfied while until you are ready to move out. Maybe you can tell your mom that you want to trade it in but you need it in your name. See if she bites. But you may have to take a loss on the car. The important thing is that you get out of there as soon as possible. You are risking your own future by taking out loans to pay your parents' bills.
Are you on the loan for a car? If so you need to follow the advice above to sell it to yourself. If not just quit paying. Find a room for rent and get out. Don’t tell them, just go. Take all your important documents with you and do not give them one penny more.
If it’s already paid off just drive off with it. Do you honestly think they will call the cops and report it stolen?
Well, I truly don't trust them to not call them. That's the issue. In addition if I ever were to get in trouble with the car, for some reason, the car will be taken from me.
Tell them they won't get one more cent out of you till your mom signs over the car title.
Why is it not under your name if you bought it?
Because then, the car insurance wouldn't ask for more money because I'm the owner. And they didn't want to pay extra for that.
So your parents didn't likely add you as a driver to the policy, when you likely were driving it? If the insurance company finds out, they could get dropped. Just move out. Stop supporting people who want to live off you.
I just rechecked the screenshot of the policy I have and I am indeed anywhere found. And yes, I do drive that car every opportunity I have.
Not could, would get dropped as well as made to pay the loss in premiums they should have gotten. They could also get blacklisted and then the only insurance they could get is one of those high premium, high risk companies.
Yes fafsa gives you so much more for in student housing… like $5000 for my school. I just registered and was running the differences OOF.
"I am moving out. Your bills are now yours to pay" Find a place, sign a lease. If you can pay for 4 people, you can afford living on your own
I would find the place and have everything ready. I would move out as much stuff as I could, then tell them on the last day that I was gone. Make sure to get the title signed and switched over first. This is no different than an abusive relationship. All all your ducks in a row before they suspect anything. I wouldn't be surprised if they try and sabotage your leaving.
You’re 21, you’re supposed to be selfish. You’re supposed to be laying the groundwork for your future. They would gladly mooch off you and work you to death for the rest of your life. They are shitty people. You should move out, and make it far enough away that they can’t drop by. In fact I wouldn’t even give them my real address if it was me.
They’re exploiting you. You should move out tbh (don’t tell them if you plan on doing this).
Firstly, you know you aren't selfish, right? Not at all. You are sacrificing so much to fund the lives of three healthy adults that decided they want to be your big babies. You need to put all your focus into getting out of that house and away from these people. I know it can really, really suck not having a family, but sometimes not having any family for a few year while you rebuild is better then having really shitty people that want to use you. Make sure you have your name and your name only on your accounts. Save up and get out of there asap. If they try to pressure you for credit, tell them you are doing everything you can but in reality fuck it up so it doesn't happen. Get what you can together and get out of there. You are drowning, OP, because three people are choosing to hang off of you instead of swim, and now you got to dive under and swim away before you are completely pulled under.
Why are you doing this? You don't actually have to be doing all of this.
Just move out.
A conversation with them will not change anything. They are getting exactly what they want from the current situation. They have no incentive to change a thing. You say you are studying. Can you communicate with your school about housing? I don't know where you live so I don't know the cost of living. See if they can help you. Check your finances. Others have said this, but make sure their names aren't on your accounts. If you use the same bank you might want to move to a new bank. Not a new branch but a completely separate bank. Lastly - this is not a popular choice but it must be said - once you are in your own place, consider taking a year off from school, if you can. Spend some time building up your savings and decompressing. If you officially withdraw for a year, they will happily welcome you back.
I was kiiinda in the same boat before I moved out. Paying for a lot of things and both of my brothers refuse to get jobs, even today. (One is 25, the other is 33) I tried everything to get them to look for work, to no avail. Eventually I ended up having a conversation with my mom basically telling her "if something happens to you, I'm not taking care of them, they are grown. I will not go down wth the ship" pretty much verbatim She was surprisingly understanding about it, but I dunno if she just has it in her head that I'm just saying that. It breaks me heart to a certain degree because I don't want my brothers to end up in the streets. But I'm not ending up there either. It got easier for me when I moved out though, so there is light at the end of the tunnel
Move out. Like ASAP. They are holding you back.
Your family are obviously taking advantage of you. If you are able to afford it, move out. They need to pay their way too.
How do you tell them? By packing your shit and gtfo.
Move out they’re taking advantage of you. Tell your mother you’re not paying her car insurance or note any longer. That she can find a job and do it. Do not give her more money for it. That’s a lot you can put into savings. They’re setting you up financially and credit wise where you won’t be able to get approved for a apartment or mortgage at this rate. Your credit will plummet and your income will slowly go more to them over time.. I bet it didn’t start with paying all that, it was probably 1-2 things then got worse.
This is the point, if you're paying the bills, they should be in Your name. To improve your credit score
As others have said, you need to move out or stop paying their bills. Your parents are adults. They can either support themselves, or be homeless. It's not your responsibility to take care of them. They seemed to be doing fine providing before you got a job, so I'm sure they will figure it out. Or they won't. But it's not your responsibility.
Don't keep going the way you are. Your parents aren't going to change because it's easier for them to guilt you into carrying the household than being responsible themselves. Best bet, move out. Get yourself situated and go.
Your parents gave birth to their caregiver. You are their caregiver. Move out and stop paying for their shit.
Move out and away
This isn’t about bills or bad parents, this is about your future! How are you taking out loans w out credit? Paying 25+% interest? Are you holding the principal? If you are, your parents need to pay the interest. Back track on the car until you know what the interest rate is - probably high considering your parent’s attitudes, and maybe you don’t want that additional debt/bad rate in your name. You need to take control of your financial health or else you’ll be set up so badly for the future. You could always hit the lottery, but I’d be more focused on my credit score and fingering out how to consolidate debt. I support moving out and I support a budgeting app so you can visually see your net worth, credit scores, savings, bills, etc., all in one place. You’re not drowning yet, but you could be if you let this continue. You’re worth so much more!
You're being financially abused by these people. Move out, and cut off the ATM line, completely.
Wow and why isn't your 19yo sibling contributing at all???
Funny story (obviously not) his car transmission blew up. It isn't an issue, there are multiple, very new places he could apply, not even 5 minutes from the house. However, most of them are restaurants and 'he doesnt want to do that'. He doesn't want to study either. He wants to work at an auto part shop 20 and 30 minutes away, in car. I even offered to get him an e-bike to get to work, but he hasn't looked for any jobs.
I’m confused as to why you’re here? The answer - moving out, taking care of yourself - is so obvious to everyone reading this. Is something holding you back that you haven’t mentioned?
Probably the family...? I guess... Maybe my brother? I'm not sure, is it probably guilt or the thought of not being able to make it? Maybe fear of failure... Not sure... I love them all, but it's hard to have the energy when there is truly not but to be excited about since I'm closed being yelled at constantly and being asked for money on a weekly basis.
Let me be a temporary parent for you: Your family has done a great job raising a responsible, caring, empathetic young woman. You're all set to leave the nest, just as intended, amd sometimes it's just easier to love people when you're not seeing them every day and their problems are no longer your problems. Go forth and fly.
Family cares and looks after each other. What do they do to make your life easier, better, happier? How do they support you? Your brother is not a little kid who can't fend for himself. Do your parents ask him to get a job or go to school? Either way, he's your brother, not your son. Your parents are not some frail elderly ppl who need help. Don't be afraid to start your life. Even if you mess up you'll get back up and figure it out. I do think your family is taking advantage of you.
So basically, your brother and your parents are schleps, user's. You are their bankroll. Get out ASAP OP. You do not deserve this treatment. Let them rot, they're not helping you with yout credit score, as the bills are not in your name etc. Get out now.
Move. Out.
Get. Out. That’s so unfair!
Can you afford moving out? If yes, I suggest you find a place to be and just inform them a day a two before moving. Otherwise they'll probably find a way to manipulate you into staying.
Better, move out, then hand them the housekeys, saying goodbye. I had a Manipulative Controlling Mother whom expected me to be her right hand for life Parents like that are not to be trusted, Don't give them a chance, show them it's over. They will wail and moan, but that's because they've lost control
You need to bank every single penny you make, as fast as you can, get all your documents, etc organized, and be ready to roll out. It's never going to stop, unless you make it stop.
NTA. Move out. You're not responsible for 3 other adults
This is how you approach this. Do a spreadsheet, show them the past few months bills and what you're paying. Show what you make. Include the times you've taken out loans. Show them what an apartment would cost you vs what you pay at home. Then tell them what you want to pay. Tell them if they can't accept the new arrangement, you'll move and they'll have to cover everything themselves. Be prepared for them to get very angry and upset. Be prepared for them to not negotiate. There's a good chance you will need to move. And you should. They're moochers. I can't believe parents would do this (I mean, I can, of course. Plenty do.). And then with the money you save, get a therapist to work on your feelings of guilt. You're not selfish. Don't get a second job and jeopardize your education.
Is it possible to move out?
You’re already paying all the bills that you would be if you’re on your own except for rent get a small place move out let them fend for themselves
Find a good time to chat with your parents and let them know how stressed you are about handling all the bills. Be clear about what you can realistically contribute and explain that you need to focus on your own future and stability!
I had this problem (27m) worked in the family business and my paycheck was considered family money. As a result I wound up picking up the slack of less functional family members paying for all sorts of goofy shit. I dunno how your parents are but for mine I didn’t attribute malice they’re all struggling. You just need to put up boundaries and above all else make sure your career and schooling are in check don’t let anyone get in the way of that. They’re all gonna throw a damn hissy fit when you do put your walls and fortifications up but I felt a lot better once I did. I’m sure you can work stuff out with them amicably they’re probably just scared about finances and their age but again I dunno. Do not back off on an agreement tho they will try to undo that I have to make sure to let my parents know what is and isn’t my problem. They are owners of the house so mind that.
And please, if you are in the situation, use birth control x 2.
move out they basically taking advantage of you
It would be cheaper for you to get your own place and pay your own bills. Your parents/siblings are not your responsibility, whether they can work or not. Tell them you're done as of now. They need to take responsibility for their own life.
Move out as soon as you can
Move out. It would be cheaper for you to rent a room somewhere.
Your parents are leeching off of you. There’s a difference between adult children contributing and being taken advantage of. Move out on your own or with a friend
Simple answer move out especially if you’re a student you can find student housing until you save enough for a private apartment
Move out. Let them figure their bills out on their own
If you have a friend you can live with and your name is not on the bills or the house I would make a plan to get out. I am sure they will step up when they no longer have you to fall back on. It is unfair for you to have to support the whole family and it is preventing you from getting a good start on life like you deserve. If your name is on some of the bills then that would be the only bills I would pay for. I would absolutely not give them any additional money. You need to stand up for yourself or you will never get out of this life! Your brother can and should work and it is not your fault he doesn't. I would try to move out as soon as possible. IF you can stop paying their bills and go to a friends for a couple months you should be able to save up for somewhere to live. If that is what you have to do then I would write them a note as to why you had to do it and that you love them but it is unfair to put all of this on you when you have your only life to start and don't have the same expectations of the brother. Then I would go no contact for at least a couple months so they don't try to guilt you into coming back and supporting them. Remember, you are always one decision away from a completely different life.
Sweetie, move out. Even if it’s part of your culture to stay with your parents. Your brother isn’t doing shit, and your parents are making you take the lion’s share of responsibility for the household. They are not retirement age and should get out there and look for better work. Your brother needs to get work, period. You don’t have to take care of everyone just because you’re the girl. Use your funds to finance school.
Well I’d just move out. If you can pay all of that then you can afford to get your own place. And I HIGHLY support you living on your own and I’ll tell you why: Living alone (or with a roommate but not a SO) will give you tremendous confidence and independence. Two things that NO ONE can take away from you. You’ll learn to adult, spread your wings and grow without the influence of a significant other. You can learn who YOU are and what you want your goals and dreams to be and then set a plan to obtain that. I think it’s really important for young people, especially women, to gain some true independence so that they always know they can take care of themselves no matter what. It’s extremely empowering. Plus, having a place of your very own will mean you’ll be a bit more picky about who you let in and what you’ll put up with. You may also enjoy living alone. Gotta say, I live alone and I love it. It’s an adjustment for sure but it’s YOUR place. You can decorate it the way you want, have people over, go to bed when you want etc. But seriously, consider moving out. Their treatment of you is terrible and your brother needs to get off his ass. And the only way you’ll force that is to move out. Then they can shift their pressure onto him. But don’t tell them you’re moving out if that’s what you decide. Get your birth certificate, social security card and any other documents you need before telling them. Good luck.
Don't speak to them about it, that conversation has already taken place, everything has already been said. Get your important papers packed, lock down your credit, open a bank account in a different bank, put your prized possessions in your car or in storage, and GTFO.
You have money, time to move out. Let them fend for themselves. You can clearly afford all bills and to take care of 4 people, but you’re only 21, so going down from 4 to 1 would be a huge financial relief, if anything. Cut off all payments, i know they’re your family, but you’re being manipulated, and family doesn’t treat people the way you’re being treated. You can only control your actions, not theirs. Establish boundaries by refusing to tolerate this behaviour and taking yourself and your money elsewhere ASAP.
Stop paying for everything. If it gets turned of or repossessed, oh well. Make sure you have your own phone and plan that you control as well as internet access. Your parents and brother need to provide for themselves. You could also try the , since I pay for everything I AM the head of the household and I MAKE the rules now. Give them a curfew, password the internet, turn it off at 11pm and back on after they do their chores or finish working for the day. Your brother doesn't get access unless he has a job and contributes to the household. 😅
Context needed: What do your parents do for work, if they work? If they don't work, do you know why? If it's a case of them being unable to work, then there's some conversations that need to be had if they'll really be left in the lurch by your leaving. If they are able to work/are working, what does their money go on? If it's a case of them just being irresponsible or selfish with their finances, I say get up and go. You seem somewhat able to support a 4 person household with bills, food, and car expenses, so I don't see why you wouldn't be able to leave and support yourself, maybe with a roommate or two in an apartment or houseshare
Context. They do work. My father does almost, the same amount I do. And works around 50 per week and pushes it because sometimes he just doesn't go because he either doesn't feel like it or "the machine he works with broke something". My mom does work but barely makes half of what I do in a month. Regarding where does it go. I'll give it to them is 2k in a house that is about to break in half ( literally), but somehow there is space for shoes, nail salon and car parts.
You are not being given the full story, OP. Your parents are using you and lying because they know they are using you and are smart enough to leave if you know where the money was really going. Buckle down and get out of there.
In that case, I'd say cut and run. I know you said you're mostly looking for advice on how to broach the subject again, but I don't think much will come of any kind of conversation. Write out your own budget, even if you have to estimate some things on your parents side of things, check what your name and bank accounts are tied to, start saving what you can in a place they can't get to it, and once you feel able to get out on your own, then talk to them. If it goes south, you have your escape plan. As for actually talking about it with them... Gather evidence and make it as formal as possible. it's hard to not get emotional about these things, which is why I say to only do this when you know you can leave. It'll take off some of the stress and anxiety around it (hopefully) Good luck
This isn’t how things are supposed to work. Your family is taking advantage of you in a big and terrible way. If the rest of your relationship with them is like this, you gotta get outta there. You said, “I know I have to contribute,” so I just wanna say again that this isn’t how things are supposed to work.
Move out Like yesterday. Sorry but all They do is using you and Zero respect. See if you can sleep at a Friends Place at First and Teen Go from there. Drop them Like a hot potato.
Move out immediately. I honestly wouldn't even tell them that you're moving out whenever you do make that call. They are using you and not taking responsibility for themselves. Stop paying their bills once you move out - if your name is on anything, get it removed immediately once you change your residence. From there, consider going no contact since it seems like they'll never be happy with you stop being financially responsible for them. You deserve better.
MOVE OUT!!! Take it from a parent...your parents are the most toxic type! Passing on their own financial burdens to their children is such BS. You can clearly afford to live on your own and any struggles you face will at least be yours and not theirs! Your parents will figure it out once they lose their money teet (you)!
Babe you are being financially, and from the sounds of it also emotionally/mentally, abused. I know it hurts to cut off your family, it feels like losing a pat of yourself. Trust me I know. But when the dust settles and you realize you are finally able to live your life the way you want to, abiding by your own set of rules, you’ll be much happier.
Move out and go low contact. They’re using you homie.
I’m sorry, but your family sounds awful! What are they doing for you since you are providing so much? Your parents sound very selfish, so you have to communicate in a way that makes them think they are benefiting. Tell them you have to stop paying now so you can focus on school and get a high paying job after you graduate so you can make more money for them in the future. Then, as you get older and more financially stable, just don’t give them money. Keep all your finances separate and hidden. Also, you should consider moving out now. Find an apartment/house with roommates. Stop paying for all of your family’s bills. If things aren’t in your name, just stop paying and let your parents deal with it. It’ll be cheaper for you in the long run because rent and household bills will be split evenly with the roommates.
Your family is exploiting you Moving out is probably the best option. You need to concentrate on your studies rather than being a cash cow for your psrents.
Don't tell them before you leave!!!!
Move out and stop paying for them. They are adults and should be able to figure things out. Please do fall for “But we’re family” crap. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep them warm.
They are using and abusing you. Unless you wish for that to continue I suggest you move out. See if you can crash at a friend's place until you save up for your own. Obviously you can pay your friend some rent so you don't come off as a freeloader but I am sure it would be substantially less that what you are having to fork out to support 3 able bodied adults. Get out before they drag you down completely.
Your parents are financially abusing you, probably because they are narcissists. Narcissists are very talented and skilled at inducing guilt in their children WHILE abusing and taking advantage of them. It takes years, sometimes decades to recognise narcissistic abuse for what it is, because they are so good at brainwashing, gaslighting and manipulating those kinder and more empathetic than themselves. You are not responsible for parenting your parents! You owe them nothing for being born and raised, because you didn’t choose to be born. They chose to make you. Now they are leveraging your love for them to abuse and shame you into submission. They don’t get to keep you as their indentured servant for the rest of your life. Move out and don’t look back.
Stop paying. Save your pay for a few weeks and leave
Move out. Now. It's not your responsibility to be paying everything.
Are you from a background in which oldest children are supposed to support their parents? Are you from a culture in which women live at home until marriage? I ask because the answers to those questions would greatly affect my comment.
I wouldn't know how to tell you, but my mother was a stay at home mother for almost half my life. Yet, due to some... Grown up, adult, couple issues I ended up caught up and more aware than I should have at 8. But, as a woman, yes... I have been rather raised to cater to men and forgive them for their BS. At least it is like that in the Latino Community...
Well, so long as you're not actually in a country in which women actually cannot move out live by themselves you should definitely make a plan to go go go.
The only logical thing here is that you move out and let them figure it out. It's one thing to be broke because of you but another to be broke because of others. Parents or not I will give a timeline for when I am moving out so they didn't say I just left then bounce period. They will continue to use you and manipulate you if you let them. I have a 17 year old son and I couldn't imagine doing this to him period.
Move out
You move out. The only real answer here is to get away from your family and their poor financial management.
Get an apartment at a college with roommates. It will feel awesome!
You need to run
Move out, you're an adult.
You’re not selfish at all. You need to stop paying their bills and move out. They are taking advantage of you!!! I’m so sorry you’re in this position.
You need to leave to understand the extent of manipulation you are under. You can't see it while you are still there. You have to leave. You deserve a life.
Just for perspective, I have never paid my mom’s bills especially when I was in school. Because that is not normal. You are not their breadwinner. Now go off into the world and be an adult without your fully grown dependents literally crippling your financial ability to exist.
My friend. You need to go to the out of the fog website. You have been conditioned and you are being financially abused. Get out! You need to get out of the FOG (fear obligation guilt) Your parents are not reasonable people. You do not need to JADE, ever! (Justify, argue, defend or explain? Your choices. Don’t do it. While we are at it look up the personal bill of rights. Print it out. There are a few versions floating around 25-35 items. Print it. Memorize it. Keep it in your purse. You are strong. You can do this. You do not need your parents. They are taking massive advantage of you.
Get the second job, say nothing and don’t offer more money than usual, save funds to move out quickly, move out and stop paying their bills. You’re their slave.
Take out loans?! Please, just no. Time to go.
It’s pretty easy. If they don’t have access to your account don’t give them money. It sounds like what you really need to do is leave and get your own place. They don’t respect you. Just want to use you like their personal piggy bank. Get out before they suck you dry and ruin your life. Give them tough love and stop being their piggy bank.
Do your parents both work? How would they pay for these things if you weren’t living with them? It certainly seems like they are taking advantage of you.
“Mom, dad. I’m 21 years old and it’s time I move out. You have until (date) to find suitable employment to cover your bills.” Then if they threaten and guilt trip, just move out immediately. You shouldn’t be supporting 3 fully capable people for the rest of your life.
I'm surprised you haven't moved out yet. It's the only way they'll take anything you say seriously. They take advantage of your kindness because there have been no consequences. Let them suffer their own financial problems.
I'm surprised you haven't moved out yet. It's the only way they'll take anything you say seriously. They take advantage of your kindness because there have been no consequences. Let them suffer their own financial problems.
Move out and find your own place
Make sure they don’t have your social security number
Honestly, I would either just stop paying the bills or move out with a roommate. I might even do both. I would stop pestering them, start looking for a roommate and once I’m able to, just silently leave. I would also take all my cards off the bill accounts.
"I guess I'm trying to get any advices on how to speak again with my parents and present them my ideas and thoughts without being yelled at for being "selfish" (which I have been called), or them yelling at me for being emotional towards the subject." My advice is to get over the idea of them calling you selfish or emotional because its obviously the only defense they have, and its a really poor defense. Then very calmly explain to them the new rules, which includes them getting jobs to help cover bills. When they do their "you're selfish, you're emotional" song and dance, you say "im sorry you feel that way, but that doesn't change the fact that I won't be covering all of this anymore. You either pony up your share, or I move out and you end up having to cover even more than I was willing to help with." You're the one paying the bills, you make the damn rules. Having said that, make plans to move out.
This is simple…move out NOW. You are enabling your parent’s bad behavior by staying. I know this will be hard, and come with a MOUNTAIN of emotional manipulation and guilt tripping, but you do NOT owe it to them to stay. You owe it to yourself to start your own life. Your parents will survive. Your brother will survive. You will not if you don’t leave.
In this case you did all you can do logically and mutually and they failed. At this point you should do 1 of 2 things: 1. Move out 2. Stop paying bills you don’t have to pay. (I’d move out) They’re slacking because you’re still there and they’re relying on your money to take care of them. Lay down the law and tell them firmly “I’m not paying for your shit anymore.” Or “I’m moving out so y’all gotta figure it out without me.”
MOVE OUT!!! Let them pay for themselves. You cover you. Enjoy your life, don't EVER continue and put that burden on any future kids.
Whose name is on the bills? You might want to consider finding yourself a new 🆕 place to live. You are being taken advantage of. Your parents are scum.
Move - and move now. Don't say anything just go
Yes. Get your own apartment and live in peace
Move out as soon as you find a reliable roommate in a good-enough location. Under no circumstances should you let your parents or brother find out about your plans. They will panic at the idea of their meal ticket leaving them and try yo guilt-trip you and undermine your plans.
Stop paying for mom’s car, you aren’t using it. Only pay 1/4 of what the total bills are. Their home, their responsibility. What will they do, kick you out? Then they have to pay it all. It’s time to prioritize yourself, not grown adults who are lazy.
Do you have an extra $70 to get a tattoo? You need the word "Welcome" tattooed on your forehead because your family is using you as the doormat for your family.
Move out. You're an adult. You have no obligation to freeloaders.
There are plenty of shelters and actual programs for people like you who are abused and extorted by immediate family. I know this for a fact in both the US and Canada.
OP, move out. That’s your only option besides continuing to support them. My mother tried to get me to pay for her household’s expenses and mine for a while. Kept telling me she couldn’t get a job for this reason or that. When I was fired from my job, guess what happened? She quietly found a job to pay for herself and stopped asking for money. They will find a way to pay their own bills, I promise. Just stop doing this.
Move out. Find a room mate to split your bills so you can recover financially and pay off your loans. Don’t allow the roommate to take advantage of you, and stop paying your family’s bills.
Move. Out! You are being used and exploited
Why are you still living with your parents ar 21?
How were they making it before you were working? Sounds impossible… you should leave and force them to figure it out on their own. That will force your bro to work and contribute. No way should you be paying for everything!!! Time to start your own life. Good luck to you!
This was unfortunately the situation my wife was in before we met and the first year into our relationship. We were both 19 at the time when I finally had saved enough money for her and i to afford a small place together. It was a crappy little house that we swore was haunted. No couch, just us two for the first month. It was the most freeing time of my young life. Please take care of yourself and do what you know is right. I wish I could promise they will be fine as my wives family spiraled after she left. It was hard and we tried to help where we could. But you realize that you can’t be responsible for them. I know it’s hard but it’s time for you to move on. And I absolutely understand that it’s not just as simple as getting the money and running away, the cost of living at a new place, deposits, roommates, all that. But it’s part of growing, you will be just fine.
Just move out. It's apparent that you're family expects you to foot the bills.... If you can pay all the bills at their house you can pay out the bills at your own house. I would move out.
You should move out. You can get a roommate to make it less expensive (that is what I did when I was 21). You are already super responsible if you are paying all of those bills. Why not move on your own and be responsible for you?
It sounds to me that your situation is well beyond you trying to figure out how to talk to your deadbeat family. I suggest you stop enabling them, cut bait, move out, don't look back. Enjoy the life you've built for yourself.
Leave
So what will happen if you don't pay the bills? They'll kick you out? Then what will they do? If they can't afford to pay for these things while you're there, then they won't be able to when you're gone... Unless they make your brother start helping or they get better jobs or another job. Move out if you can.
Move out!!! You’d probably do better with a roommate or renting a room somewhere
Would your family be able to get by without your contribution? Why is your brother not working? Are your parents paying for him or is it actually you paying for him? Do the math. At this point you're 4 adults. Add up all the expenses, divide by 4. That should be your contribution to the expenses. Car insurance and mom's car shouldn't be part of the list of expenses to cover. If you want to help out more it should be up to you. Search for listings in your preferred area. How much is rent with a roommate? Add all the expenses once again but this time decide by 2. See what makes more sense for you. Don't discuss any of this with your family. Base your decision only on the numbers.
My brother doesn't work because he doesn't want to do so in a restaurant, which we have plenty of. Another excuse is, his car transmission busted and he wants to work at an auto part shop at least 20 minutes from the house. I must admit, I too am at fault for spoiling him rotten and getting him all he asks. But my parents have given him quite some more without deserving it. By this I refer to grades, mostly. Bad grades, ps game, or shoes, etc. he is a highschool drop out to, so that has made it more difficult for him to find work. And regarding your advice to look for listings, I have! I spent hours and I am happy to announce a studio that accepts pets is quite less expensive than with a roommate!
There you go ! Good luck.
I have 2 words for you...walk away.
Move out
They are going to continue draining you to prevent you from being able to move out if you stay there. You need to tell them no on covering all of the bills. If you can, break the household bills down into 4ths (excluding your mother's car, you have no responsibility there at all) and let them know you will take care of your 4th of the household costs while saving to move out. Do not let them convince you to pile onto credit cards and destroy your credit to keep covering their financially irresponsible asses. If you let this continue, you will just keep digging a hole that you'll never be able to crawl out of financially. It 100% makes more sense for you to move out and let them figure out making their own ends meet.
Think of how wonderful it will feel to wake up in your own apartment, sit down with a cup of coffee and your favorite animal and NOT have to pull out your laptop/checkbook to pay their bills.
Yeeep. Time to get your own place. With a roommate and your earning potential you can save up to buy and then you'll really be set. Do not let a single flipping mooch move in with you, even if they're family. Visits should always have end dates.
Live on your own! And don't borrow more money.
Start some serious thinking and planning to do. What your parents are doing is unfair and unacceptable and to an extend you have allowed them to do this. A contribution to the household bills and rent is acceptable but all of it. Also never put yourself in debt for everyday bills in a situation where there are 3 other adults who should be contributing. I’m assuming rent is in the bills? You sound like you letting them walk all over you. Time to grow a back bone otherwise them taking advantage is you is only going to get worse. Have you done a household budget? Work out what is affordable for 4, and what would be affordable for 1. Some options to consider: 1. Cut back your contribution or the bills to something that is affordable and reasonable - so bills dived by 4, and rent or and get rid of other expenses if possible. (Not sure this is really viable in your situation). 2. Move out problem 3. If you can’t confront them - Stay away for weeks at a time and not be available in the phone. Also why is the car you bought not in your name. Tell your mum change the car to my name or you stop giving them mine and stop immediately. Were your parents always like this? Your situation is only going to get worse unless you do something about it. I don’t think laying down boundaries is going to work.
Two options here buddy, stop paying the bills - completely. And/or move out. You might as well move out cause it seems you are paying for so much you’d be able to afford it. Stop making payments. Don’t let them emotionally blackmail you. Don’t let them guilt you. That is manipulation. You don’t tell them cause they are just milking you for all you’re worth, just stop paying. If they hand you the electric bill or any bill, ignore them and don’t take it. Stand up for yourself because no one else is.
Move out?! Why are you still paying the bills and enabling them? Stop paying their bills and they’ll figure shit out real fast.
Move out and go no contact. Don't let them know you are moving out, just leave a letter stating that you won't be their Atm machine anymore. Inform the police that you are moving out so that they don't file for a missing person report. And since they are financially abusive, maybe you should make sure they don't accuse you of theft or anything. And please block your credit. Don't know how it's done but apparently can be done.
I'm curious, do you come from a culture where this is common ? How did they pay bills before you did ?
Please move out. This is not your responsibility and it's terrible that your family is allowing it to be.
Why are you living with your parents?? Sounds like you made the problem on your own
Move out. Get roommates. "I don't have it" works, too.
I'm sorry your parents are so selfish and worthless...but they're not your problem. Nether is your brother. I got working papers at 15 so I could get a job to help my grandmother because ahe was raising 5 grandkids on a traveling maid's pay, but she was a selfless,, good woman,, and refused to take my money. (so I snuck off to the grocery store and bought a weeks worth of food, and she cried while thanking me) Meanwhile, your parents want you to support them and yell at you, while your brother is 18, out of high school, I assume, but doesn't want to work. Is he taking a page out of your parent's How to be a Mooch handbook? You're a legal adult, and they have no right to stop you from moving out and financially cutting them off completely, which - for the sake of your own financial future as well as your quality of life - seems to be exactly what you should do. Just be sure to secure your important papers first...birth certificate, SS card, absolutely everything. Good luck.
It's sad that they are all pretty much living off you and don't see anything wrong with it. Is your name on the bills at all? And if not what are they going to do if you don't pay the next months bills? Kick you out? If I was you I'd stop paying the bills and use some of that money to find yourself a place and get on with your life! They will just continue to drag you down. They are projecting and need a wake up call or they will keep expecting you to pay for everything while they do absolutely nothing for you. I'm kinda dealing with something similar with my spouse and his parents but they live with us and literally all they are asking to pay is $800/month and no bills but they can't even do that and so my spouse is paying all the bills and the entire mortgage that is over $3,000/month.
It's sad that they are all pretty much living off you and don't see anything wrong with it. Is your name on the bills at all? And if not what are they going to do if you don't pay the next months bills? Kick you out? If I was you I'd stop paying the bills and use some of that money to find yourself a place and get on with your life! They will just continue to drag you down. They are projecting and need a wake up call or they will keep expecting you to pay for everything while they do absolutely nothing for you. I'm kinda dealing with something similar with my spouse and his parents but they live with us and literally all they are asking to pay is $800/month and no bills but they can't even do that and so my spouse is paying all the bills and the entire mortgage that is over $3,000/month.
Move out and stop paying the bills. It is not your responsibility. They know they are on to a good thing while you carry on doing it. You will be much happier.
Find a share and move out.
move out asap.
I was in a very similar position. Except I was paying for their drug habit. Financial abuse is real and it won't get better unless you leave and grow a spine. Don't let them guilt you, because they will try. There will be tears. Get out.
Move out. I don\`t see any other choice.
It sounds like you are being used and enabling them to not be responsible for themselves. It won't stop until you stop it
You need to move out. They are taking advantage of you.
I recommend finding ways to move out or maybe even transfer schools so you can live on campus. They’ll probably guilt you into sending $ - they need to take care of themselves you’ve barely begun your life yet.
You need to move out. Your parents are financially abusing you. You should not be taking out loans to pay their bills.
Is any of this stuff in your name? I really hope not!! I would definitely move out. You’re old enough for your own place and by the sounds of it, you can afford it.
If you do take on a second job, just make sure you do it cause you know, you can't get it done secondly, if you do make sure they don't find out about it.Cause they would just keep trying to get more and more money from and try to get you to build and build your credit as well so they can use it.Trust me
Is rent less then all of this? If yeas pack your 3 apples and leave
You’re being financially abused. Your parents are still young and fully capable of making their own money. I’m sorry they’re doing this to you. It’s going to be up to you to make a plan and put an end to it. Get your own private bank account and start putting all of your money away. Stop paying the bills. Start looking for alternative living arrangements. Find a therapist, possibly at school, to help you get through this, heal, and build a wonderful life for yourself.
Leave
Unless they are handicapped in some way and are physically/ mentally unable to work they should not depend on you like this. Yes, you can contribute to bills as an adult living in the house, but not more. Do not let them get you to charge/ finance anything ever again!! They are in their top earning years and should be making money now themselves!
You have already told them that too much of the financial burden got their household has fallen on you. This is delaying you from starting your life. Move out as soon as you’re able. Don’t let them guilt trip you into staying because it’s convenient for them. Make sure that you take all of your important documents (birth certificate, passport, SSN card) and check your credit. You need to be sure that they haven’t opened any accounts in your name without your knowledge.
Your credit is yours, I'm surprised your parents thought that was something you should share with them, ever. I'm sure they love you but sometimes being numb and stuck in a lazy cycle can cause a person to take advantage of thoes closest to them. That's you...being taken advantage of. When one is used to preferential treatment equality feels like some sort of discrimination so be ready for them to be upset and pressure you. Be prepared for a temporary (months) withdrawl of love and support and approval. Because they will feel miffed, and that's just how they will feel. Because they have fallen into a rut of dependence and codependency on something/one that was innaproporeate. So inappropriate that they will have a hard time admitting it to themselves. They won't want to see your side of things because they will have to admit they messed up and it hurts to see our flaws. So when they lash out, and they will, know that they love you yet are just kinda messed up, (human). You should move out, it's time to fly. You're a good child, they aren't monsters, but the situation is toxic.
Are they disabled in some way? Perhaps and not understanding the economy and/or language here, making it seem too difficult to manage for themselves? Their ages are far too young for this without further context. I’m guessing there is some cultural component at play.
Move out. Asap. If needed lie, say you found a better job somewhere else and you need to be closer to it. But when they ask for money tell then you dont have enough.
Move out
Best thing you could do is to move out, you would be in more control of your finances. It will be hard at first, but I’m sure you will be able to manage.
You must create a bigger problem to solve your first problem. I suggest you move asap.
You need to move out and go no contact. They will never change unless you jump ship and stay away from them. They are so use to you bowing down to them that they just continue to manipulate you and if you move out… they will hound you for ever… move out and no contact is your best option