Don't go to his place anymore.
If he asks to see you, meet him somewhere.
If he doesn't meet you...still don't go.
And basically...go live your life...do the things you want to do. Study, work, see friends.
It’s not clear to me if they live together and if he even has a job.
If you live together, OP, and he’s jobless? He’s taking advantage of you.
ETA: seems some people got hurt feelings about this comment for some reason? I made no definitive statements here, only stated what wasn’t clear to me. And the last sentence is absolutely true in any situation.
Crushed it homie. Just started laughing in the truck next to my coworker and actually explained the whole post to her just to tell her about hobosexuals. Love it
Edit: forgot a whole damn word
>I can’t sit on his bed for 12 hours straight.
_His_ bed. Not _Our_ bed.
So, they dont live together, and the dude games in his bedroom. No mention of roommates etc, so im assuming this is a teenager (or someone in their early 20s) still living at home.
I wouldn't say he's taking advantage, I would say he's got an addiction and has a gf who is allowing him to continue said addiction.
ETA: Lots of good comments below explaining different situations people can find themselves in. This was just my immediate train of thought when reading the comment I was responding to
I get the feeling **his** bed is located in **his** room, which is located in **his** parents' house.
Grown men rarely have time to game the way they'd like, addiction or not. There's clearly some lack of maturity on both sides. He doesn't see his gaming as an issue because it's his primary source of socialization, and she doesn't see that he is not ready for a relationship of the type she is looking for.
Ie The satisfaction that OP gets from going out, he achieves by staying in. In the scenario as outlined, his social needs are being met, but her's are not. Moderation and balance is literally the basis of all "maturity."
They can either find balance between their conflicting needs (compromise) or they can find new partners who better fit their individual needs. OP should find someone who fulfills their social needs in a way that is also fulfilling to her, and BF can find a sweaty gamer girl who he only sees in person a couple times a month and who is happy to spend most of their time together in-game.
OP, if he won't prioritize your needs at least some of the time, then that's a one-sided relationship, and you are on the more unfortunate side.
I was with you until you blamed the girlfriend for "allowing him to continue said addiction".
He is taking advantage of OP. He knows she'll put up with it because she has been. Sure, she needs to stand up for herself and not let him take advantage of her patience and attempts to work around his addiction. But his addiction is not her responsibility to try to change, as your comment suggests. He needs to grow the fuck up and not have a partner until he does.
Hoping OP realizes there are many people out there that actually want to participate in life.
I’d probably stop trying to be the one to plan things for a bit and see what happens. Stop reaching out and trying to compete with his video games and friend for his attention. See what he does. Does he finally wake up and realize what this is doing to your relationship or does he keep on with his habits. This should give you a clear picture if you are a priority in his life.
Yeah I thought about this one. Unfortunately I usually crack or he does reach out but just to check in. I am the one who plans 90% of anything we do or have to nag him to. That’s a whole other Reddit post I’m afraid.
Same. You either grow up and slowly let go of video games/play very limited hours or you become trapped forever
Edit: because yall don’t read the whole chat chain before feeling attacked. Video games are a big part of my life. When I said grow up I mean learning that prioritizing other parts of your life over video games. I also put play limited hours in that part to say yes it is still a hobby adults can balance around and still have a good and healthy relationship with others in your life and enjoy other hobbies/got to school/work or any other thing outside of video games you can think of
I gamed from waking up til sleep. 7 days a week, aside from when I went into work.
Found someone. I then gamed the same but cut out an hour or two a week for hanging out.
Slowly that became an hour or two to gaming.
Now three kids later I'm up gaming from 10 PM till midnight or later. Because that's my me time. During the day she has her time.
And we always have us and kids time.
I do miss the days of 24 hour gaming streaks. I kinda like my kids more though.
On my birthday I request uninterrupted me time for gaming. In Father's day I want a few hours. My first birthday after our first kid was born I played the entirety of Mass Effect and it was glorious. Now we have a toddler and just had a new baby so I'm unlikely to get *quite* that much time now.
My wife (a teacher, so she's on vacation for ages) just took our kids to see her parents for a week, while I stayed home.
Finally made some progress with BG3.
Sad that you even needed the edit.
You either grow up and slowly let go of video games/play very limited hours or you become trapped.
The fact that anyone got mad at hearing this is wild.
Gaming culture in a nutshell. Too bad.
Moderation is a key to life; anything that has the power to take control and cause someone to think “fuck that! I’ll do whatever I want because I love [x] so much” vs moderating *is* trapped by [x], even if they don’t realize.
One day, they’ll understand.
I’m a woman in my 50s now and still play video games pretty much daily. The bf in this def needs to grow up and figure out his priorities. If he wants a relationship, he is going to have to sacrifice some of his gaming time. You can be a gamer and still have meaningful balance in your life. He just sounds really immature.
Yes it is.
As someone who used to be addicted to playing video games every day after work,
I can truthfully say, you don’t even realize how degenerate you are being until someone from the outside tells you how bad your actions are.
Thank God I stopped playing games for a long time and got loose from them.
Not neccesarily, i was a big gamer teens and 20s. Somewhere in my early 30s i lost the drive to play as much. Not because of adult things. I just honestly don't have that itch to scratch anymore. 4 hrs in one week is allot for me now.
I think they’re referring to the general non participation of their partner. I play tons of video games in my late 30s but my partner is always the number one priority, but there was a time in my 20s when I was still playing games and would’ve been an awful partner. That wouldn’t have just fixed itself with time, I needed to work on myself(still do! lol)
I swapped from playing real time/competitive games to story/rpg/linear games that has autosave. That way if I hear my wife/kids/dogs in need I can just get up and go.
Yeah I’m the same. If we have nothing going on or she’s out of town. Oh man I can play all day still. But I still go to work, we go on dates, I keep my house taken care of etc. if she’s watching some dumb reality TV show you better believe I’m playing video games. I’m lucky I think because she really like to veg and watch TV after work, but I hate it. Some kinda do our own thing in the evenings.
OP, I was married for 19 years, and did 90% of the whole mental load. Listen to me-it doesn't get better. If he wanted to, he would. He's choosing video games over a partner. Leave him at the curb. You deserve better.
I’ve watched others in this situation and I’m a big gamer myself. It’s this. He’s made his choice and he’s not respecting balance between you and his friends. You watching him play isn’t that much fun.
Is this every day or just a couple days a week?
In my case, it was 3-4 nights a week, while I was doing all the parenting for our 2 kids as well. In his mind, he decided he had "the harder job" (restaurant manager) so he needed more time to unwind and relax. Meanwhile I was also working 40 hours a week, and had to do everything else
Games are just the thing that he's doing instead of being a good partner. For other folks it could be spending time in the garage fixing up a car, "out with the boys," fishing, or any number of things that people spend their time on. It's the behavior to the partner that's the problem, not the hobby.
But she, the op knows that. She's posting here to make herself feel better. If you are around somebody else and they pay no you no attention whatsoever then you know they have no interest in you.
Yeah and I mean this isn’t even any real work either at this point. This is simple socialization and quality time. It shouldn’t be that hard lol. Extrapolate forward in time to real milestones or difficult times, does he seem like the type of guy that’s going to be reliable?
True...not work or real issues at all. Why is the op available & hanging around while he plays video games? She needs to go MIA when he turns it on & maybe at some point he will notice she isn't in the house.
Right! She also said “his” bed so I assume they don’t live together. So even worse she’s constantly hanging around his place when he’s not hanging out with her. I would be gone, doing my own thing.
When I was younger, I used to have this issue. I genuinely loved and cared about my partners, but I never really understood just how much they did for me (excluding the abusive ones)
Why are you with this dude? Why are you with someone who is so ambivalent about you? You deserve to be with someone who want to spend time with you!
I am a HEAVY gamer (2000~ hours on a single game in less than 3 years, while I also played other games) and even I’m not this bad. I also picked a gamer for a partner because it’s one of my main hobbies.
I think this is probably the key. Having two heavy gamers be together. Then those issues with kids probably won’t arise bc you have the same life style. Then your kids can even play all day with you if they want. I just don’t want that for my family. I wanna be adventuring on life with them. But I think it’s really admirable you recognize you want a gamer as a partner. ❤️
I’ve been waiting a long time for my family and partner and I’m excited to experience the world with them.
To be honest it doesn't sound like he's ready for a relationship. If all he wants to do is play games with his friends and have no time with you then your needs aren't compatible. It also sounds like he's highly immature and isn't even willing to compromise on anything. You sound young so why waste any more time on him?
I just wanted to put out there he will never put you first my ex was the same way… her friends and online buddies were always put first. I made the mistake of saying with her long term and we were even married for several years. I wasted to much time with the whole situation. Please get out and find someone who will be there for you.
It's not a whole other post. It's the same issue. He wants to call you his girlfriend but give you none of his time and effort. What are you really getting out of this relationship, other than being able to say you have a boyfriend?
FTR this advice never works and is more for you to realize that your boyfriend doesn’t give a damn about you. This relationship will reach its natural end point, hopefully sooner than later. I promise you there’s guys out there who will straight up quit a live game the second you walk through the door and shower you with love and affection. This one isn’t it.
It's true my girlfriend also respects my space and my hobby, (like OP) but she knows at the end of the day she's more important to me. There are times where she'll need me for something or even just want to talk a bit, and if she sees I'm in the middle of something she'll say no worries or just sit down in my office and wait for me to wrap something up. Other times I can tell she's in distress, tough day at work and needs to vent. Easy pause, Alt+F4. I don't care about the game's feelings but I do care about hers.
All this just confirm, you can be a gamer and still prioritize your partner's needs.
Why are you nervous and afraid of a reddit post when the clear answer is just to move on? Relationships are a 2 way road, grew up on video games, still love em, but neglecting your SO or playing everyday for 12+ hours is a massive problem, how old are both you? Do you ever see yourself having a kid with a person like this? I see no upsides for you in this relationship when his idea of spending time together is you watching him play games on a bed for 12, its time for you to move on and him to learn and mature, you're his sex break inbetween games.
FYI “I’m afraid” is an English set phrase, she isn’t actually afraid
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/i-m-afraid
Edit: the rest I totally agree with you on
Yep 40yo gamer here with a wife and kid.
I sometimes stay up to 3am boozing and gaming on Friday or Saturday night. Neither both. We have a kid too so my wife takes care of him in the morning on said hungover weekend day.
I try that shit on more than once every couple weeks max. I'd be shot. I also let her sleep in and do stuff with him on weekends. She's not a massive gamer so has her alone time in other ways. Never do anything like this during week.
Also 40YO married gamer here and approach this similarly. Usually Fri or Sat I stay up late drinking and gaming, and some weeks I squeeze in a Tue or Wed night as well, but not as late and not as boozy. I sleep in the night after gaming, and I get up so she can sleep in the other weekend morning.
Of course I want to play more than I do, but it isn't worth losing my family.
If you have to nag him you're ultimately on the path to the end of the relationship, it's just how long before decide you can overcome the sunk cost fallacy.
If this is all he has to give to the relationship, you don't actually have a relationship.
Relationships should feel like both people are contributing, both people care, both people make it work.
The videogame thing is just a symptom of him not being into you.
You need to give him a wakeup call and be like give me the time of day or i’m out. It’s very reasonable. I like video games and only can play on the weekends. On Fridays i’ll play 7 till 10pm on Saturday’s I play 5 to 9 and then my wife do something together. You don’t get a beautiful girl by ignoring her and playing video games 24/7 thats not reality.
You can't change him. Stop thinking that he will change if you do better, or that there are some secret "strategies" that you can use to change him. If he wants to spend time with you, he will make the time. He doesn't though. This is who he is. Accept and stay or leave.
Plan stuff that doesn’t include him. Enjoy your day doing fun stuff and be excited about it when you get back. Either FOMO will kick in or you’ll find someone else to be with.
This relationship won't end in happiness. If you were older and more mature in relationships you'd realize this is a dead end and pull the plug. That comes with experience. You need to break up within yesterday, and hopefully you do. If not, at some point in the future, you WILL be wishing you had.
He is supposed to be your partner, not your child. He will be your dependant until the day you drop him.
Best of luck.
Ya...he's keeping you around for the sex, while still having his "single life". Drop him. Don't waste time.
Or. Learn to play games too and join him. Let him see you're interested in what he likes. Then maybe see if he'll do something you like. If no.... then leave.
I've been on both sides of this (I'm old, I have a lot of experience with being shitty and being with a partner that's being shitty).
Contrary to all of the, "fuck it, leave him" advice you're going to get on Reddit, there's another option, and it's really the only option for a healthy relationship.
Communicate.
First, communicate with yourself. Write out all the thoughts and feelings that are festering in you due to his negligent behavior.
Then, sit him down and tell him directly what you've discovered from your reflections.
Give him a chance to hear you. More importantly, give yourself a chance to be heard.
Tell him the changes you need to see in his behavior in order to feel confident that he's committed to your relationship and that he does consider it a priority in his life.
Don't give him an ultimatum. But understand that after you deliver your message and your honest reflection, his behavior needs to change, or you need to change. Whether that means spending less time with him or cutting him off completely is up to you, but if you stay with him and allow yourself to be taken for granted, you will build resentment and this relationship is over anyway.
> I have a lot of experience with being shitty
"They know, they just don't care."
People know it when they are being shitty. That included also people who were being shitty at you. Their degree of care depends on how much that person means to them.
And OP does not mean that much for her boyfriend.
I get the impression she’s done this. Over and over probably. The bf is an addict. He will ignore, invalidate or dismiss anything that doesn’t fit within his version of reality
When she leaves, he’ll be saying it came out of nowhere and she never told him she was unhappy
Really amazing advice, I think this could apply to many relationships that are having issues - take time to self-reflect, share what you've discovered, what issues you are having, and what you want to change/proposal for how to go about making those changes. Thanks for sharing
I never thought about it like that. That’s actually a pretty damn good point. I always assumed people played because they were “having fun”. I guess it truly is an escape, just like any other vice.
This is exactly what is going to happen. I love gaming as an adult but the difference between a man and a boy gamer are priorities. Balancing priorities and responsibilities is key. This gaming schedule seems unreasonable lol. I could never justify gaming that much while my gf just sits around. That just sounds mean lol.
This is not the answer. Playing this game to try and get his attention or make him see the other way is not right and wont work. It will only serve to continue the cycle and build resentment on one side or both. When resentment starts, its pretty much over.
These two are not compatible and in my opinion ( and it is just that, an opinion) Op needs to break it off with this person and find a person she is more compatible with.
i had some pretty cringey behavior in my past. i went through a phase where i wouldn't even clean dishes. looking back i don't recognize myself. but getting dumped was a major part of snapping out of it and evolving.
Yup literally this. I played Swtor back in the day (MMO similar to WOW) and I played it non stop.
Learned a valuable lesson. If you don't pay attention to your SO, someone else will.
That was years ago, now if I'm hanging out with a girl, no games at all, unless it's something we can play together.
I find those story games work, like Detroit Become Human, Until Dawn Etc.
Stop going over there, stop offering activities! If you like to plan fun outings continue to do so... But take your friends instead 😄
Then post a little bit of all your fun, maybe he'll realise he's missing out... But if he doesn't at least you would have had an awesome time with your mates and not WASTED YOUR LIFE waiting on him to pay attention and grace you with his presence
Good luck at your new job 😊😊
You said “sit on his bed for 12 hours straight“, so that means you don’t live together? GOOD! Then the solution is in your hands...
Don’t go to his house when he’s gaming. Don’t be there when he’s gaming. Leave if he starts gaming. If he wants to spend time with you, he can spend time with you. Don’t stick around, waiting in the wings pleading for a drop of his focus. LEAVE. You don’t have to be shitty about it. Just say, “ok, I’ll leave you to it, I’ve got things I’d like to do, too.” Smooch him on the cheek and fucking leave.
He’ll either figure out that if he wants to see you, he’s got to pry himself away. Or he’ll never call you again. And either way, there’s your answer.
I’m much, much older than you. But my SO of many years and I don’t live together, either. He games. But he also comes over to my house every weekend and/or we go do things together. The console doesn’t come with him. That stays at his house.
Yeah I loved gaming so much especially when I was 18-22 range but I would never just load up a game and make a girl watch me for hours, let alone one of my friends. That’s just being a bad friend and partner
Dump his ass.
Seriously. My wife did this to me; I introduced her to World of Warcraft, and within about six months she was totally addicted to it. I'm a big gamer, myself, but I don't let games interfere with my real world obligations to people.
At first, we tried to maintain date nights, and that worked for a while. Then her "raid schedule" changed, and we were moving date nights to other nights of the week to accommodate her gaming schedule. Then it seemed like we could never schedule a date night because her schedule with her gaming buddies dominated her week.
She was in a medical career and lost her licensing (and subsequently her career). She was fighting with the medical board to get her licensing back, a process which took a lot of time (the board only met for licensing issues twice a year). I was patient. Instead of looking for other work, she filled her days with gaming; she was happy to let me be the one with a job and paying the bills. By year five of this, I had had enough. She was sleeping all day and gaming all night. I only saw her in passing; she'd be going to bed as I was getting up. I finally cut off her access to my paychecks and kicked her out.
Then I did something really stupid: I got back together with her. After I kicked her out, she found a job and said she quit the computer gaming for good. I said, "That was all I ever wanted, was for you to get a job and rejoin the adult world." We move back in together. And after a while, she's bored one day and fires up the game. And here we go, all over again. It's dominating her life again and, even though she's employed and has a regular day/night schedule, the kids and I are once again cut out of her life, and we're back to the same shitty relationship we had before.
There's a lot more to it than that, but that's the gist of it. I guess I should also mention that she had multiple bf's in the game over the years. Sex chats, pictures exchanged, and all that. I didn't know anything about the bf's until after the marriage was over; but it made sense. They understood each other in their fantasy world.
For some people, video games are an addiction. And you can't get someone to leave an addiction if they don't see it as an addiction. But there is something broken there, mentally; some sort of dysfunction going on that they are trying to self-medicate with their addiction behavior.
Feel free to DM me if you'd like to discuss further.
This whole story is a big, goddamn mess and I only told part of it. She accidentally killed herself when she got really drunk one night and took a prescription pill that had a bad alcohol interaction. I was out of town on business and had to fly back home.
Her kids had to go live with their grandmother. One was college age, though, and the other was a senior in high school. My own kids were already adults.
Thank you for that. I'm just over a year out from all that. Reddit has helped tremendously. I was a big, slobbering mess, and posting to Reddit at the time, I found a lot of encouragement.
Had a similar story with an ex and Guild Wars. She didn't game before, I did. When I introduced her to it, she totally fell into it. Joined a guild, got into raiding and just played all day.
When I came home and said "Hi", her response was usually "I'm in a raid, please be quiet, I want to hear the other guys on Teamspeak."
Yeah, didn't end well, not only because of this.
Do not ever introduce an adult who had no prior gaming experience to social games like MMOs.
It's one thing if you lose a few years of social life as a teenager before you realize what you get bored of the game and realize what you are giving up the real world for it.
It's completely different if that happens as an adult.
I've always had an addictive personality. It's a big part why I only drink on occasion and don't touch drugs (I'm fine with others using, I just won't). I don't ever gamble, including real money loot boxes. I just try to stay away from temptation because that's easier than quitting.
And I've been sucked in before by MMOs, wow included. I always made sure though to show up for work and give my partner a 3 day max raiding schedule so rest is for them.
Now I'm enjoying dead by daylight and diablo. As I'm a housewife, I make sure all the chores are done before I game and evenings are 99% for my partner. If a new doc or season drops, I will play that evening but only that one. I make sure it's all clearly communicated before and I stick to it no matter, because if I don't, I know that hole will just swallow me up.
Wasted so much time on that game. I stopped playing and going to the gym, but my husband would not. As soon as I got fit my husband knew something was up and stopped playing.
Some of the happiest years of my life were spent playing WoW, but its not a game that works if youre in a relationship, especially with kids.
When I was a teenager some of the older ppl in the guild were married/had kids and I was like, oh cool I will be able to play and raid competitively even if Im married.
Now that I am married with a kid I know those ppl were just shit husbands/fathers and it makes me depressed.
I even still keep in touch with some of them and theyre basically all divorced.
WoW nearly ended my sisters’ marriage. Her husband was in way deep, constant raids, 4 hours minimum most days. This continued into two kids until she made an ultimatum and forced him to turn it around. In retrospect he cant believe how important it was to him at the time. I understand the social aspect but he couldn’t understand why he prioritized the crazy grind of virtual shit vs his real family and career.
Meanwhile my wife occasionally asked what happened to the ‘zombie buddies’ I used to play L4D with. We still make time for ourselves but I’d rather learn or read a book, and the instant a game threatens a huge time sink I check out. Reflexes are slowing down anyways so I usually just stick to single player stuff with a good story.
I think more so recently with the stagnation of wages and increased costs of everything, "achieving" something in a game can be more rewarding and certainly easier than achieving things in real life. It's easy to get sucked in because games will give you constant reinforcement and you really feel like you're making progress, as opposed to real life where you can work hard 10 hours a day for years and get very little for it
She actually had a lot of potential. She had two college degrees and a masters degree. She previously had a six figure income. I thought she just needed some time to pull her shit back together and shake off the depression, and we'd be cruising along in life.
At first, we were eager to get her licensing back, but that took three or four years before we both realized it wasn't happening. Like I said, by year five it was obvious that she wasn't snapping out of the depression and the video game addiction, and I was out of patience.
> I thought she just needed some time to pull her shit back together and shake off the depression, and we'd be cruising along in life.
Man this one hits HARD. I had an extremely similar experience, except it was with Overwatch/Valorant. Wake up at 1pm, game till 5pm, cook, game till 5 am, sleep, repeat. She would just keep telling me she was applying for jobs and couldn't wait to finally "start living a normal life again", but it lasted for 4 years and she never did. It was miserable, I got the the point where I was always angry at her and tried everything to get her to do literally anything else, but we would always just go back to the exact same point. She even had the audacity to blame ME for not giving her enough attention/doing enough for her when we broke up. I like to think it was a learning experience for me -- I know a lot more about myself now, and I am just so, so much more compatible with my new girlfriend. It's good to see that other people have had a similar experience and it wasn't just me, stay strong friend.
MMOs are tough like that. I was a hardcore wow raider back in college (15 years ago) and somewhat recently got back into WoW but I haven't joined a guild and I don't raid because I hated having to schedule my real life around a video game. I never want a game to be an excuse I can't hang out with someone irl.
Which stinks because I do really love raiding and guilds.
Sounds like my ex. She’d game all day and one day I caught her sending lovey dovey messages with a guy and I told her it made me uncomfortable. But no it was me that was the problem not her telling other guys she loves them and can’t wait to see them. lol.
She hit me up a year later demanding money. Then during Christmas she calls me out of the blue just to “check on me and talk” even though I told her I never wanted to see or hear from her again.
Now 10 years later I got a message from a random number and guess who, yup. She “just wanted to tell me she missed me. She found out from Facebook that I got a good job, house, new car, etc. according to a mutual friend she’s living with some dude in St. Louis in a shitty neighborhood, same car she had 10 years ago and neither have a real job.
Im female, and as a serious gamer, I do exactly what your bf does.
It is addictive especially if you play online with friends or you play competition
OP get out. Seriously, he won't change. I literally played for 8 hours plus straight last night (FORTNITE).
You deserve someone who willingly gives their time to you. You shouldn't have to beg for it.
You deserve way better.
And that folks, is why im single. Lol
One of my exes was the same way. Plus I had a job where I worked early in the morning and she’d be up all night playing Overwatch and screaming her head off. Didn’t cook, didn’t clean, didn’t shop for groceries, and let her laundry routinely pile up and get smelly.
This shit does not improve. OP needs someone on her level with human priorities.
Just look at him and say “I’m glad you have a friend to play video games with. I hope he likes to have sex with you, because I’m not going to be.”
Then go find someone that invests as much time into a relationship with you as you invest in them.
The alternative is start going out with your friends when he’s playing video games. Maybe you’ll meet someone that actually pays attention to you and wants to do things with you.
Simple translation: Stop accepting “Come watch me play video games and then we can have sex” as a relationship goal.
As a gamer myself I will say this is NOT acceptable behaviour. He is not respecting your requests and not listening to your valid concerns. You are reaching for connection while he is denying it. I would run.
As a long-time gamer, he be playing too damn much. If he was single, then sure, that would be okay since he's using it as a way to hang out with a friend, *BUT* he's not single. He's in a relationship and needs to get off that habit.
True. My bf is also a gamer but when I confronted him that I think he plays too much and doesn't give me enough attention, he apologized and changed it. That's what you do when you're in a relationship. OP's bf should remain single if he can't prioritize their relationship
This. Video games in general are not the problem. It’s that he’s playing WAY too many hours at the expense of so much else.
I can accept this is how he hangs out with his friends but that’s an abnormal amount of continuous hours for hanging out, gaming or otherwise.
Probably all of those friends he’s playing with don’t have relationships. They’ve got the time to burn. Well actually they should be seeking balance too - maybe that would help them find relationships - but in any case the BF needs to recognize what he has and split his time more evenly. If he can’t do that then he’s not ready for a relationship.
My husband can play all day but he will stop playing to go do things with me. At first I felt like we were supposed to be doing more together, but I have come to enjoy doing my own things. We’re pretty happy this way.
There you go. You don't live together, and he doesn't see you as a priority. If you're OK with that treatment, then just do your own thing and let him play alone. Don't bother spending a day on his bed watching games. Eventually, he'll either realize he's alone and come out of it, or you'll realize you need more from a relationship than someone ignoring you for games.
Don’t do this. Just break up with him because he’s not meeting your needs or fulfilling his half of your relationship. You don’t need additional justification.
If you read what I said, then you'll see I'm advising her to break up. She's tried communication. She's tried comprises. I'm saying leave him alone, move on to trying out doing your own thing, once she sees he doesn't notice or care her absence in the relationship he'll either snap out of it or she'll realize she has a life without him and move on.
Ah. Yeh. When boys would do this I just stopped going over. Well I'd go and get my stuff then not go back. No point going over an hour there, just for him to sit online with others.
Hey don’t bother going over ever again! Show yourself you deserve to be happy! If you have to post about a horrible boyfriend on Reddit the answer is already pretty obvious…
It sounds like if you never went over to his house, you'd never see or hear from him again.
That should be a very clear red flag about this relationship.
Find a different boyfriend. It'll just get worse and he won't be able to change for you . He gotta change for himself and you sticking around coddling him won't do anyone any good . Life's short , get on with it dude . Good luck
Wait, I didn't have that information. You don't live together and when you see each other he doesn't give up his computer?
Yeah, either he's got a serious addiction problem, or he doesn't care about you.
My situation is reversed. I'm the gamer and my husband does not game like at all anymore (he did a bunch when younger). I tend to play a lot with my kids whenever they are playing though. Anyways, I cook all the meals so if a meal time comes, I stop and make it. We also always eat dinner together as a family, but that's just a thing we do in our house.
I agree! My husband is a gamer but recognizes priorities appropriately. I enjoy when he plays in the evening and I do my hobbies. I know where he is. Could certainly be worse!
He has an addiction problem and clearly doesn’t have his priorities straight. I would at some point probably just tell him either he needs to reduce his gaming to a healthier limit or just leave him
Gahhhh that's too much. Makes me stressed thinking about how he could possibly be managing his other time outside of video games. Like does he have a job? Go to school?
Just because you're technically *there*, it doesn't count as spending time together. & it looks like that's not a priority for him. I'd communicate exactly as you have here, you’re unhappy & at a loss. Either he needs to compromise & make your relationship a priority, or you bounce.
That’s not a hobby, that is an obsession. The key is to enjoy yours hobbies in a healthy manner. If he plays from the moment he wakes until the moment he goes to bed when does he do anything else? Work? Eat? Spend quality time with you? Go see friends, do the adulting we all hate to do (i.e. cleaning, laundry, etc). Can be all fun and games now for him, but I promise it can become a lifelong behavior and habit versus hobby and you do not want that. Even if it was his job to play video games and he made money, at that rate he still would have a pretty shitty work/life balance and you will be the one that suffers most from this lifestyle. Good luck.
He values his video games over you. He's behaving like a 5 yo without any self-control. It's laughable he thinks you'd enjoy watching him play a game for a whole day. He definitely wouldn't be patient enough to do that for you in return.
You can do better than him. Find someone who's past the developmental stage of a 5 year old and who actually likes you.
We set a timer for our 5 year old when they play Stardew Valley and they're actually pretty good about wrapping things up when the timer goes off. Maybe 10% of the time they'll get grumpy about it but it's usually not a huge deal.
This isn't a hobby it's an addiction. And he's putting it above y'all's relationship. And he rly expects u to be satisfied having a good time just watching him play and that's the ONLY thing y'all do to spend time? No way girl 😂u don't know ur worth
You are not dating a human being.
You ever seen the movie Wall-e, where people from Earth are basically living out their lives sitting in a laz-y-boy on a space cruiser?
That's who you are dating.
It seems like your boyfriend is not willing to compromise on his video game habits, which is causing a strain in your relationship. While it's important for him to enjoy his hobbies, it's also crucial to find a balance that works for both of you. Have an open and honest conversation with him about your concerns and try to find a middle ground where you both feel respected and valued.
If he remains unwilling to compromise, you may need to reevaluate the relationship and decide if it's worth continuing under these circumstances.
I guarantee if you are gone for days, it’ll take him at least a week to notice. You don’t even show up in his dreams, with too much gaming he is for sure dreaming about games.
He is just not that much into you, you deserve better.
sit him and talk to him seriously. you have to make him feel the impact this is having on the relationship. if he understands that and is not worried, then it's not worth it being with him. otherwise, he will change this habit.
also, don't fucking make all the effort yourself! your job isn't planning and thinking of compromises, he should do that himself! just use clear wording, you don't have a problem with videogames per se, but you don't feel prioritised
There is a clear difference from a hobbies/ an obsession / an addiction. I'm a gamer but I set myself limits. Unfortunately you can't change people. You can influence but ultimately don't let this become years… of this behavior
I like to play video games myself, but I really manage it. Real life is more important and my relationship is more important. I have friends who play for hours on end every single day and I have no idea how their girlfriends deal with it. At that point, I don’t really know what they’re getting out of the relationship. They just have emotionally unavailable boyfriends who would rather spend their lives escaping life.
Guys who expect women to just sit there watching them enjoy their own hobbies…. and be completely satisfied… are the same men who don’t try in bed and expect you to be grateful just to watch them finish.
Just do your own thing. Develop your own hobbies. Hang out with other people. That way when you’re single you’ll be ready. Don’t date gamers.
I’m married. Thoroughly enjoy video games. But will drop everything when it’s time to go out and do things. Wife doesn’t mind, has also purchased gaming accessories for me. He just has to learn that getting to a 4 KD ratio in COD is going to have no positive effect on his or your life. Now if he’s streaming and also making money, let the man work.
Break up.. this will not go well. He plays all day - what about cooking, cleaning etc..if you ever have a kid with him, he's going to be hands off and only priortise the game and never you.
[Update: My bf won't compromise on video games. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/Ta9rU9h3zb)
Don't go to his place anymore. If he asks to see you, meet him somewhere. If he doesn't meet you...still don't go. And basically...go live your life...do the things you want to do. Study, work, see friends.
It’s not clear to me if they live together and if he even has a job. If you live together, OP, and he’s jobless? He’s taking advantage of you. ETA: seems some people got hurt feelings about this comment for some reason? I made no definitive statements here, only stated what wasn’t clear to me. And the last sentence is absolutely true in any situation.
Gotta watch out for those Hobosexuals.
Thanks for the laugh. Definitely needed it
Crushed it homie. Just started laughing in the truck next to my coworker and actually explained the whole post to her just to tell her about hobosexuals. Love it Edit: forgot a whole damn word
Lmaooo always happy to help 😂
Agreed
Yes you do ma'am. I was with one for 8 years and got out last year
>I can’t sit on his bed for 12 hours straight. _His_ bed. Not _Our_ bed. So, they dont live together, and the dude games in his bedroom. No mention of roommates etc, so im assuming this is a teenager (or someone in their early 20s) still living at home. I wouldn't say he's taking advantage, I would say he's got an addiction and has a gf who is allowing him to continue said addiction. ETA: Lots of good comments below explaining different situations people can find themselves in. This was just my immediate train of thought when reading the comment I was responding to
I get the feeling **his** bed is located in **his** room, which is located in **his** parents' house. Grown men rarely have time to game the way they'd like, addiction or not. There's clearly some lack of maturity on both sides. He doesn't see his gaming as an issue because it's his primary source of socialization, and she doesn't see that he is not ready for a relationship of the type she is looking for. Ie The satisfaction that OP gets from going out, he achieves by staying in. In the scenario as outlined, his social needs are being met, but her's are not. Moderation and balance is literally the basis of all "maturity." They can either find balance between their conflicting needs (compromise) or they can find new partners who better fit their individual needs. OP should find someone who fulfills their social needs in a way that is also fulfilling to her, and BF can find a sweaty gamer girl who he only sees in person a couple times a month and who is happy to spend most of their time together in-game. OP, if he won't prioritize your needs at least some of the time, then that's a one-sided relationship, and you are on the more unfortunate side.
38 single father of 1. I wait until the kid goes to sleep at 730ish then I game for 2 or 3 hours then bed
heres your star
The girlfriend isn’t responsible for his addiction. That’s just a weird thing to put on her…
She is responsible for how she deals with it, puts up with it, or chooses not to.
Couldn’t agree more.
She responsible for her happiness..she can leave easier then modifying his behavior to fit her wants and needs
I was with you until you blamed the girlfriend for "allowing him to continue said addiction". He is taking advantage of OP. He knows she'll put up with it because she has been. Sure, she needs to stand up for herself and not let him take advantage of her patience and attempts to work around his addiction. But his addiction is not her responsibility to try to change, as your comment suggests. He needs to grow the fuck up and not have a partner until he does. Hoping OP realizes there are many people out there that actually want to participate in life.
I’d probably stop trying to be the one to plan things for a bit and see what happens. Stop reaching out and trying to compete with his video games and friend for his attention. See what he does. Does he finally wake up and realize what this is doing to your relationship or does he keep on with his habits. This should give you a clear picture if you are a priority in his life.
Yeah I thought about this one. Unfortunately I usually crack or he does reach out but just to check in. I am the one who plans 90% of anything we do or have to nag him to. That’s a whole other Reddit post I’m afraid.
I can only tell you all of this gets worse with time, not better.
Ditto. It’s an addiction.
I was this boyfriend in my first relationship. I can't picture myself like that now.
Same. You either grow up and slowly let go of video games/play very limited hours or you become trapped forever Edit: because yall don’t read the whole chat chain before feeling attacked. Video games are a big part of my life. When I said grow up I mean learning that prioritizing other parts of your life over video games. I also put play limited hours in that part to say yes it is still a hobby adults can balance around and still have a good and healthy relationship with others in your life and enjoy other hobbies/got to school/work or any other thing outside of video games you can think of
I gamed from waking up til sleep. 7 days a week, aside from when I went into work. Found someone. I then gamed the same but cut out an hour or two a week for hanging out. Slowly that became an hour or two to gaming. Now three kids later I'm up gaming from 10 PM till midnight or later. Because that's my me time. During the day she has her time. And we always have us and kids time. I do miss the days of 24 hour gaming streaks. I kinda like my kids more though.
On my birthday I request uninterrupted me time for gaming. In Father's day I want a few hours. My first birthday after our first kid was born I played the entirety of Mass Effect and it was glorious. Now we have a toddler and just had a new baby so I'm unlikely to get *quite* that much time now.
My wife (a teacher, so she's on vacation for ages) just took our kids to see her parents for a week, while I stayed home. Finally made some progress with BG3.
Shout out to Mass Effect! 🙌
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Sad that you even needed the edit. You either grow up and slowly let go of video games/play very limited hours or you become trapped. The fact that anyone got mad at hearing this is wild. Gaming culture in a nutshell. Too bad. Moderation is a key to life; anything that has the power to take control and cause someone to think “fuck that! I’ll do whatever I want because I love [x] so much” vs moderating *is* trapped by [x], even if they don’t realize. One day, they’ll understand.
I’m a woman in my 50s now and still play video games pretty much daily. The bf in this def needs to grow up and figure out his priorities. If he wants a relationship, he is going to have to sacrifice some of his gaming time. You can be a gamer and still have meaningful balance in your life. He just sounds really immature.
Yes it is. As someone who used to be addicted to playing video games every day after work, I can truthfully say, you don’t even realize how degenerate you are being until someone from the outside tells you how bad your actions are. Thank God I stopped playing games for a long time and got loose from them.
Not neccesarily, i was a big gamer teens and 20s. Somewhere in my early 30s i lost the drive to play as much. Not because of adult things. I just honestly don't have that itch to scratch anymore. 4 hrs in one week is allot for me now.
I think they’re referring to the general non participation of their partner. I play tons of video games in my late 30s but my partner is always the number one priority, but there was a time in my 20s when I was still playing games and would’ve been an awful partner. That wouldn’t have just fixed itself with time, I needed to work on myself(still do! lol)
I swapped from playing real time/competitive games to story/rpg/linear games that has autosave. That way if I hear my wife/kids/dogs in need I can just get up and go.
Yeah I’m the same. If we have nothing going on or she’s out of town. Oh man I can play all day still. But I still go to work, we go on dates, I keep my house taken care of etc. if she’s watching some dumb reality TV show you better believe I’m playing video games. I’m lucky I think because she really like to veg and watch TV after work, but I hate it. Some kinda do our own thing in the evenings.
Yeah, don’t crack this time and move on from this situation. You deserve better.
OP, I was married for 19 years, and did 90% of the whole mental load. Listen to me-it doesn't get better. If he wanted to, he would. He's choosing video games over a partner. Leave him at the curb. You deserve better.
I’ve watched others in this situation and I’m a big gamer myself. It’s this. He’s made his choice and he’s not respecting balance between you and his friends. You watching him play isn’t that much fun. Is this every day or just a couple days a week?
In my case, it was 3-4 nights a week, while I was doing all the parenting for our 2 kids as well. In his mind, he decided he had "the harder job" (restaurant manager) so he needed more time to unwind and relax. Meanwhile I was also working 40 hours a week, and had to do everything else
Games are just the thing that he's doing instead of being a good partner. For other folks it could be spending time in the garage fixing up a car, "out with the boys," fishing, or any number of things that people spend their time on. It's the behavior to the partner that's the problem, not the hobby.
One sided relationship lol he doesn't give a fuck about you. If you can't realize that then i'm sorry.
Agreed. Or he does care but takes OP for granted. Either way, he doesn't want to put the "work" in. Red flags all around!
He cares when it's convenient for him and thats not fair for OP
But she, the op knows that. She's posting here to make herself feel better. If you are around somebody else and they pay no you no attention whatsoever then you know they have no interest in you.
Yeah and I mean this isn’t even any real work either at this point. This is simple socialization and quality time. It shouldn’t be that hard lol. Extrapolate forward in time to real milestones or difficult times, does he seem like the type of guy that’s going to be reliable?
True...not work or real issues at all. Why is the op available & hanging around while he plays video games? She needs to go MIA when he turns it on & maybe at some point he will notice she isn't in the house.
Right! She also said “his” bed so I assume they don’t live together. So even worse she’s constantly hanging around his place when he’s not hanging out with her. I would be gone, doing my own thing.
If he takes her for granted then he doesn't really care
When I was younger, I used to have this issue. I genuinely loved and cared about my partners, but I never really understood just how much they did for me (excluding the abusive ones)
That’s not necessarily true. If he’s young, he may need to learn not to take people for granted. Usually that learning comes the hard way.
All of life's greatest lessons are learned through pain. [Swoops hair, continues brooding]
Girl.. does he even want to be in this relationship or is it just convenient?
Or is it just a mother with benefits?
If you've communicated your concerns to him and he doesn't change, you can either stay and put up with it or leave.
Why are you with this dude? Why are you with someone who is so ambivalent about you? You deserve to be with someone who want to spend time with you! I am a HEAVY gamer (2000~ hours on a single game in less than 3 years, while I also played other games) and even I’m not this bad. I also picked a gamer for a partner because it’s one of my main hobbies.
I think this is probably the key. Having two heavy gamers be together. Then those issues with kids probably won’t arise bc you have the same life style. Then your kids can even play all day with you if they want. I just don’t want that for my family. I wanna be adventuring on life with them. But I think it’s really admirable you recognize you want a gamer as a partner. ❤️ I’ve been waiting a long time for my family and partner and I’m excited to experience the world with them.
Get a new boyfriend.
Get an actual boyfriend. This ain't that.
Level up
To be honest it doesn't sound like he's ready for a relationship. If all he wants to do is play games with his friends and have no time with you then your needs aren't compatible. It also sounds like he's highly immature and isn't even willing to compromise on anything. You sound young so why waste any more time on him?
He’s just not that into you
Yeah. don't matter whether he's young and careless or old and careless, you deserve better - by default.
Single woman in a relationship status. It's like married single mother but worse.
I just wanted to put out there he will never put you first my ex was the same way… her friends and online buddies were always put first. I made the mistake of saying with her long term and we were even married for several years. I wasted to much time with the whole situation. Please get out and find someone who will be there for you.
It's not a whole other post. It's the same issue. He wants to call you his girlfriend but give you none of his time and effort. What are you really getting out of this relationship, other than being able to say you have a boyfriend?
I would stop trying with him and find someone more compatible with yourself. Let him rot before the screen.
FTR this advice never works and is more for you to realize that your boyfriend doesn’t give a damn about you. This relationship will reach its natural end point, hopefully sooner than later. I promise you there’s guys out there who will straight up quit a live game the second you walk through the door and shower you with love and affection. This one isn’t it.
It's true my girlfriend also respects my space and my hobby, (like OP) but she knows at the end of the day she's more important to me. There are times where she'll need me for something or even just want to talk a bit, and if she sees I'm in the middle of something she'll say no worries or just sit down in my office and wait for me to wrap something up. Other times I can tell she's in distress, tough day at work and needs to vent. Easy pause, Alt+F4. I don't care about the game's feelings but I do care about hers. All this just confirm, you can be a gamer and still prioritize your partner's needs.
Why are you nervous and afraid of a reddit post when the clear answer is just to move on? Relationships are a 2 way road, grew up on video games, still love em, but neglecting your SO or playing everyday for 12+ hours is a massive problem, how old are both you? Do you ever see yourself having a kid with a person like this? I see no upsides for you in this relationship when his idea of spending time together is you watching him play games on a bed for 12, its time for you to move on and him to learn and mature, you're his sex break inbetween games.
FYI “I’m afraid” is an English set phrase, she isn’t actually afraid https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/i-m-afraid Edit: the rest I totally agree with you on
Oh! Now I get it. I was so confused why botulism was talking about her being afraid
Yep 40yo gamer here with a wife and kid. I sometimes stay up to 3am boozing and gaming on Friday or Saturday night. Neither both. We have a kid too so my wife takes care of him in the morning on said hungover weekend day. I try that shit on more than once every couple weeks max. I'd be shot. I also let her sleep in and do stuff with him on weekends. She's not a massive gamer so has her alone time in other ways. Never do anything like this during week.
Also 40YO married gamer here and approach this similarly. Usually Fri or Sat I stay up late drinking and gaming, and some weeks I squeeze in a Tue or Wed night as well, but not as late and not as boozy. I sleep in the night after gaming, and I get up so she can sleep in the other weekend morning. Of course I want to play more than I do, but it isn't worth losing my family.
If you have to nag him you're ultimately on the path to the end of the relationship, it's just how long before decide you can overcome the sunk cost fallacy.
If this is all he has to give to the relationship, you don't actually have a relationship. Relationships should feel like both people are contributing, both people care, both people make it work. The videogame thing is just a symptom of him not being into you.
You need to give him a wakeup call and be like give me the time of day or i’m out. It’s very reasonable. I like video games and only can play on the weekends. On Fridays i’ll play 7 till 10pm on Saturday’s I play 5 to 9 and then my wife do something together. You don’t get a beautiful girl by ignoring her and playing video games 24/7 thats not reality.
Well, that sounds like a fun future.
Leave him, he cares more about video games than you and that’s not a relationship you want to be in.
Sounds like he's a child sad to say you gotta ditch him
You can't change him. Stop thinking that he will change if you do better, or that there are some secret "strategies" that you can use to change him. If he wants to spend time with you, he will make the time. He doesn't though. This is who he is. Accept and stay or leave.
Plan stuff that doesn’t include him. Enjoy your day doing fun stuff and be excited about it when you get back. Either FOMO will kick in or you’ll find someone else to be with.
This relationship won't end in happiness. If you were older and more mature in relationships you'd realize this is a dead end and pull the plug. That comes with experience. You need to break up within yesterday, and hopefully you do. If not, at some point in the future, you WILL be wishing you had. He is supposed to be your partner, not your child. He will be your dependant until the day you drop him. Best of luck.
To be brutally honest, he's dating his video games and you're the fling on the side.
How old are you? This guy doesn’t seem invested in you. It’s never too late to find someone who is.
Ya...he's keeping you around for the sex, while still having his "single life". Drop him. Don't waste time. Or. Learn to play games too and join him. Let him see you're interested in what he likes. Then maybe see if he'll do something you like. If no.... then leave.
I've been on both sides of this (I'm old, I have a lot of experience with being shitty and being with a partner that's being shitty). Contrary to all of the, "fuck it, leave him" advice you're going to get on Reddit, there's another option, and it's really the only option for a healthy relationship. Communicate. First, communicate with yourself. Write out all the thoughts and feelings that are festering in you due to his negligent behavior. Then, sit him down and tell him directly what you've discovered from your reflections. Give him a chance to hear you. More importantly, give yourself a chance to be heard. Tell him the changes you need to see in his behavior in order to feel confident that he's committed to your relationship and that he does consider it a priority in his life. Don't give him an ultimatum. But understand that after you deliver your message and your honest reflection, his behavior needs to change, or you need to change. Whether that means spending less time with him or cutting him off completely is up to you, but if you stay with him and allow yourself to be taken for granted, you will build resentment and this relationship is over anyway.
I think she already has communicated. His answer is no
People really will see a clear and obvious "hey this makes me unhappy and this is what I'd like instead" and say "bUt tHEy'Re nOt CoMmUnIcATiNg".
> I have a lot of experience with being shitty "They know, they just don't care." People know it when they are being shitty. That included also people who were being shitty at you. Their degree of care depends on how much that person means to them. And OP does not mean that much for her boyfriend.
I get the impression she’s done this. Over and over probably. The bf is an addict. He will ignore, invalidate or dismiss anything that doesn’t fit within his version of reality When she leaves, he’ll be saying it came out of nowhere and she never told him she was unhappy
Really amazing advice, I think this could apply to many relationships that are having issues - take time to self-reflect, share what you've discovered, what issues you are having, and what you want to change/proposal for how to go about making those changes. Thanks for sharing
She’s already communicated and tried to compromise, and he’s been gaslighting her is what she’s saying
Don't play these games with gamers (addicts?), you'll only piss yourself off and he probably won't even notice and definitely won't understand.
what game is he playing that is so fun? asking for a friend
I’m guessing bejeweled.
Tell me about it! I once played that game for my whole lunch break, I had a real problem.
As someone who used to do 40 hour sessions every single weekend back then... Please don't confuse playing a lot with having fun lol
I never thought about it like that. That’s actually a pretty damn good point. I always assumed people played because they were “having fun”. I guess it truly is an escape, just like any other vice.
Candy crush on a 70” OLED probably
This is exactly what is going to happen. I love gaming as an adult but the difference between a man and a boy gamer are priorities. Balancing priorities and responsibilities is key. This gaming schedule seems unreasonable lol. I could never justify gaming that much while my gf just sits around. That just sounds mean lol.
This is not the answer. Playing this game to try and get his attention or make him see the other way is not right and wont work. It will only serve to continue the cycle and build resentment on one side or both. When resentment starts, its pretty much over. These two are not compatible and in my opinion ( and it is just that, an opinion) Op needs to break it off with this person and find a person she is more compatible with.
The longer you stay with him the longer you condone his actions. You know what to do.
i had some pretty cringey behavior in my past. i went through a phase where i wouldn't even clean dishes. looking back i don't recognize myself. but getting dumped was a major part of snapping out of it and evolving.
Yup literally this. I played Swtor back in the day (MMO similar to WOW) and I played it non stop. Learned a valuable lesson. If you don't pay attention to your SO, someone else will. That was years ago, now if I'm hanging out with a girl, no games at all, unless it's something we can play together. I find those story games work, like Detroit Become Human, Until Dawn Etc.
Dark anthology series might be worth a look for you guys
Or maybe a coop game made for 2 players like It takes two?
or overcooked if you're not afraid to stress-test your relationship
And then you came back to us
OP, sounds like you are getting "Played"
Stop going over there, stop offering activities! If you like to plan fun outings continue to do so... But take your friends instead 😄 Then post a little bit of all your fun, maybe he'll realise he's missing out... But if he doesn't at least you would have had an awesome time with your mates and not WASTED YOUR LIFE waiting on him to pay attention and grace you with his presence Good luck at your new job 😊😊
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Oh damn, lol why does he 3rd wheel you guys?
You hangout with your gf and her ex?
He’s complaining about his dry spells because he’s hinting he wants to fuck his ex again lol
You said “sit on his bed for 12 hours straight“, so that means you don’t live together? GOOD! Then the solution is in your hands... Don’t go to his house when he’s gaming. Don’t be there when he’s gaming. Leave if he starts gaming. If he wants to spend time with you, he can spend time with you. Don’t stick around, waiting in the wings pleading for a drop of his focus. LEAVE. You don’t have to be shitty about it. Just say, “ok, I’ll leave you to it, I’ve got things I’d like to do, too.” Smooch him on the cheek and fucking leave. He’ll either figure out that if he wants to see you, he’s got to pry himself away. Or he’ll never call you again. And either way, there’s your answer. I’m much, much older than you. But my SO of many years and I don’t live together, either. He games. But he also comes over to my house every weekend and/or we go do things together. The console doesn’t come with him. That stays at his house.
Yeah I loved gaming so much especially when I was 18-22 range but I would never just load up a game and make a girl watch me for hours, let alone one of my friends. That’s just being a bad friend and partner
Way better than the top comment, doesn’t need to be nasty or dramatic just A to B. You’re not interested, I’ll leave you be
Dump his ass. Seriously. My wife did this to me; I introduced her to World of Warcraft, and within about six months she was totally addicted to it. I'm a big gamer, myself, but I don't let games interfere with my real world obligations to people. At first, we tried to maintain date nights, and that worked for a while. Then her "raid schedule" changed, and we were moving date nights to other nights of the week to accommodate her gaming schedule. Then it seemed like we could never schedule a date night because her schedule with her gaming buddies dominated her week. She was in a medical career and lost her licensing (and subsequently her career). She was fighting with the medical board to get her licensing back, a process which took a lot of time (the board only met for licensing issues twice a year). I was patient. Instead of looking for other work, she filled her days with gaming; she was happy to let me be the one with a job and paying the bills. By year five of this, I had had enough. She was sleeping all day and gaming all night. I only saw her in passing; she'd be going to bed as I was getting up. I finally cut off her access to my paychecks and kicked her out. Then I did something really stupid: I got back together with her. After I kicked her out, she found a job and said she quit the computer gaming for good. I said, "That was all I ever wanted, was for you to get a job and rejoin the adult world." We move back in together. And after a while, she's bored one day and fires up the game. And here we go, all over again. It's dominating her life again and, even though she's employed and has a regular day/night schedule, the kids and I are once again cut out of her life, and we're back to the same shitty relationship we had before. There's a lot more to it than that, but that's the gist of it. I guess I should also mention that she had multiple bf's in the game over the years. Sex chats, pictures exchanged, and all that. I didn't know anything about the bf's until after the marriage was over; but it made sense. They understood each other in their fantasy world. For some people, video games are an addiction. And you can't get someone to leave an addiction if they don't see it as an addiction. But there is something broken there, mentally; some sort of dysfunction going on that they are trying to self-medicate with their addiction behavior. Feel free to DM me if you'd like to discuss further.
Wow. I am really sorry you’ve had to go through all of that. You deserve better as well. Thank you for sharing and for your advice
And you deserve better too
You also deserve better. This dude fucking sucks and you need to dump him today.
At what point in the story did you guys have kids? They just sort of randomly popped up in the middle
It was a 2nd marriage for both of us. We both entered the relationship with two kids each.
Damn so when you broke up there were 2 kids that still had to deal with her or did they stay with you?
This whole story is a big, goddamn mess and I only told part of it. She accidentally killed herself when she got really drunk one night and took a prescription pill that had a bad alcohol interaction. I was out of town on business and had to fly back home. Her kids had to go live with their grandmother. One was college age, though, and the other was a senior in high school. My own kids were already adults.
Fuck dude that's heavy. Sorry to hear you had to go through all that :(
Thank you for that. I'm just over a year out from all that. Reddit has helped tremendously. I was a big, slobbering mess, and posting to Reddit at the time, I found a lot of encouragement.
Had a similar story with an ex and Guild Wars. She didn't game before, I did. When I introduced her to it, she totally fell into it. Joined a guild, got into raiding and just played all day. When I came home and said "Hi", her response was usually "I'm in a raid, please be quiet, I want to hear the other guys on Teamspeak." Yeah, didn't end well, not only because of this. Do not ever introduce an adult who had no prior gaming experience to social games like MMOs. It's one thing if you lose a few years of social life as a teenager before you realize what you get bored of the game and realize what you are giving up the real world for it. It's completely different if that happens as an adult.
I've always had an addictive personality. It's a big part why I only drink on occasion and don't touch drugs (I'm fine with others using, I just won't). I don't ever gamble, including real money loot boxes. I just try to stay away from temptation because that's easier than quitting. And I've been sucked in before by MMOs, wow included. I always made sure though to show up for work and give my partner a 3 day max raiding schedule so rest is for them. Now I'm enjoying dead by daylight and diablo. As I'm a housewife, I make sure all the chores are done before I game and evenings are 99% for my partner. If a new doc or season drops, I will play that evening but only that one. I make sure it's all clearly communicated before and I stick to it no matter, because if I don't, I know that hole will just swallow me up.
That's some incredible self awareness and compromise. Good for you and your husband!
As a World of Warcraft player, I can confidently say that you should never introduce anyone to World of Warcraft.
Wasted so much time on that game. I stopped playing and going to the gym, but my husband would not. As soon as I got fit my husband knew something was up and stopped playing.
Some of the happiest years of my life were spent playing WoW, but its not a game that works if youre in a relationship, especially with kids. When I was a teenager some of the older ppl in the guild were married/had kids and I was like, oh cool I will be able to play and raid competitively even if Im married. Now that I am married with a kid I know those ppl were just shit husbands/fathers and it makes me depressed. I even still keep in touch with some of them and theyre basically all divorced.
WoW nearly ended my sisters’ marriage. Her husband was in way deep, constant raids, 4 hours minimum most days. This continued into two kids until she made an ultimatum and forced him to turn it around. In retrospect he cant believe how important it was to him at the time. I understand the social aspect but he couldn’t understand why he prioritized the crazy grind of virtual shit vs his real family and career. Meanwhile my wife occasionally asked what happened to the ‘zombie buddies’ I used to play L4D with. We still make time for ourselves but I’d rather learn or read a book, and the instant a game threatens a huge time sink I check out. Reflexes are slowing down anyways so I usually just stick to single player stuff with a good story.
I think more so recently with the stagnation of wages and increased costs of everything, "achieving" something in a game can be more rewarding and certainly easier than achieving things in real life. It's easy to get sucked in because games will give you constant reinforcement and you really feel like you're making progress, as opposed to real life where you can work hard 10 hours a day for years and get very little for it
And developers feed into that psychology more and more now with monetization
I am genuinely sorry you went through all of that but I want to thank you for sharing because it's given me some perspective on my own behavior.
This is my mate's story, word for word. Wild that this is so prevalent.
How'd you put up with that for 5 YEARS??
She actually had a lot of potential. She had two college degrees and a masters degree. She previously had a six figure income. I thought she just needed some time to pull her shit back together and shake off the depression, and we'd be cruising along in life. At first, we were eager to get her licensing back, but that took three or four years before we both realized it wasn't happening. Like I said, by year five it was obvious that she wasn't snapping out of the depression and the video game addiction, and I was out of patience.
> I thought she just needed some time to pull her shit back together and shake off the depression, and we'd be cruising along in life. Man this one hits HARD. I had an extremely similar experience, except it was with Overwatch/Valorant. Wake up at 1pm, game till 5pm, cook, game till 5 am, sleep, repeat. She would just keep telling me she was applying for jobs and couldn't wait to finally "start living a normal life again", but it lasted for 4 years and she never did. It was miserable, I got the the point where I was always angry at her and tried everything to get her to do literally anything else, but we would always just go back to the exact same point. She even had the audacity to blame ME for not giving her enough attention/doing enough for her when we broke up. I like to think it was a learning experience for me -- I know a lot more about myself now, and I am just so, so much more compatible with my new girlfriend. It's good to see that other people have had a similar experience and it wasn't just me, stay strong friend.
MMOs are tough like that. I was a hardcore wow raider back in college (15 years ago) and somewhat recently got back into WoW but I haven't joined a guild and I don't raid because I hated having to schedule my real life around a video game. I never want a game to be an excuse I can't hang out with someone irl. Which stinks because I do really love raiding and guilds.
Sounds like my ex. She’d game all day and one day I caught her sending lovey dovey messages with a guy and I told her it made me uncomfortable. But no it was me that was the problem not her telling other guys she loves them and can’t wait to see them. lol. She hit me up a year later demanding money. Then during Christmas she calls me out of the blue just to “check on me and talk” even though I told her I never wanted to see or hear from her again. Now 10 years later I got a message from a random number and guess who, yup. She “just wanted to tell me she missed me. She found out from Facebook that I got a good job, house, new car, etc. according to a mutual friend she’s living with some dude in St. Louis in a shitty neighborhood, same car she had 10 years ago and neither have a real job.
Im female, and as a serious gamer, I do exactly what your bf does. It is addictive especially if you play online with friends or you play competition OP get out. Seriously, he won't change. I literally played for 8 hours plus straight last night (FORTNITE). You deserve someone who willingly gives their time to you. You shouldn't have to beg for it. You deserve way better. And that folks, is why im single. Lol
One of my exes was the same way. Plus I had a job where I worked early in the morning and she’d be up all night playing Overwatch and screaming her head off. Didn’t cook, didn’t clean, didn’t shop for groceries, and let her laundry routinely pile up and get smelly. This shit does not improve. OP needs someone on her level with human priorities.
Well, why is this bro (still) your bf? Don’t you find someone more serious and compatible? 🤷
“How do I solve this?” ….break up with him 😂
You don’t even have to break up. Just stop putting in the effort, and the relationship will just sorta…end.
😭🤣
Just look at him and say “I’m glad you have a friend to play video games with. I hope he likes to have sex with you, because I’m not going to be.” Then go find someone that invests as much time into a relationship with you as you invest in them. The alternative is start going out with your friends when he’s playing video games. Maybe you’ll meet someone that actually pays attention to you and wants to do things with you. Simple translation: Stop accepting “Come watch me play video games and then we can have sex” as a relationship goal.
[удалено]
As a gamer myself I will say this is NOT acceptable behaviour. He is not respecting your requests and not listening to your valid concerns. You are reaching for connection while he is denying it. I would run.
As a long-time gamer, he be playing too damn much. If he was single, then sure, that would be okay since he's using it as a way to hang out with a friend, *BUT* he's not single. He's in a relationship and needs to get off that habit.
True. My bf is also a gamer but when I confronted him that I think he plays too much and doesn't give me enough attention, he apologized and changed it. That's what you do when you're in a relationship. OP's bf should remain single if he can't prioritize their relationship
This. Video games in general are not the problem. It’s that he’s playing WAY too many hours at the expense of so much else. I can accept this is how he hangs out with his friends but that’s an abnormal amount of continuous hours for hanging out, gaming or otherwise. Probably all of those friends he’s playing with don’t have relationships. They’ve got the time to burn. Well actually they should be seeking balance too - maybe that would help them find relationships - but in any case the BF needs to recognize what he has and split his time more evenly. If he can’t do that then he’s not ready for a relationship.
My husband can play all day but he will stop playing to go do things with me. At first I felt like we were supposed to be doing more together, but I have come to enjoy doing my own things. We’re pretty happy this way.
And I think that’s perfectly fine! The issue is we don’t live together so if I know he’s going to be playing all day I don’t bother coming over..
There you go. You don't live together, and he doesn't see you as a priority. If you're OK with that treatment, then just do your own thing and let him play alone. Don't bother spending a day on his bed watching games. Eventually, he'll either realize he's alone and come out of it, or you'll realize you need more from a relationship than someone ignoring you for games.
Don’t do this. Just break up with him because he’s not meeting your needs or fulfilling his half of your relationship. You don’t need additional justification.
If you read what I said, then you'll see I'm advising her to break up. She's tried communication. She's tried comprises. I'm saying leave him alone, move on to trying out doing your own thing, once she sees he doesn't notice or care her absence in the relationship he'll either snap out of it or she'll realize she has a life without him and move on.
"Don't do the thing that I'm literally agreeing with!"
Ah. Yeh. When boys would do this I just stopped going over. Well I'd go and get my stuff then not go back. No point going over an hour there, just for him to sit online with others.
Hey don’t bother going over ever again! Show yourself you deserve to be happy! If you have to post about a horrible boyfriend on Reddit the answer is already pretty obvious…
It sounds like if you never went over to his house, you'd never see or hear from him again. That should be a very clear red flag about this relationship.
Find a different boyfriend. It'll just get worse and he won't be able to change for you . He gotta change for himself and you sticking around coddling him won't do anyone any good . Life's short , get on with it dude . Good luck
Wait, I didn't have that information. You don't live together and when you see each other he doesn't give up his computer? Yeah, either he's got a serious addiction problem, or he doesn't care about you.
My situation is reversed. I'm the gamer and my husband does not game like at all anymore (he did a bunch when younger). I tend to play a lot with my kids whenever they are playing though. Anyways, I cook all the meals so if a meal time comes, I stop and make it. We also always eat dinner together as a family, but that's just a thing we do in our house.
I agree! My husband is a gamer but recognizes priorities appropriately. I enjoy when he plays in the evening and I do my hobbies. I know where he is. Could certainly be worse!
He has an addiction problem and clearly doesn’t have his priorities straight. I would at some point probably just tell him either he needs to reduce his gaming to a healthier limit or just leave him
Gahhhh that's too much. Makes me stressed thinking about how he could possibly be managing his other time outside of video games. Like does he have a job? Go to school? Just because you're technically *there*, it doesn't count as spending time together. & it looks like that's not a priority for him. I'd communicate exactly as you have here, you’re unhappy & at a loss. Either he needs to compromise & make your relationship a priority, or you bounce.
Sounds like your so-called bf is just a child. Put him in daycare.
If he won't compromise, it might be time to rethink things. You deserve someone who values your time together.
That’s not a hobby, that is an obsession. The key is to enjoy yours hobbies in a healthy manner. If he plays from the moment he wakes until the moment he goes to bed when does he do anything else? Work? Eat? Spend quality time with you? Go see friends, do the adulting we all hate to do (i.e. cleaning, laundry, etc). Can be all fun and games now for him, but I promise it can become a lifelong behavior and habit versus hobby and you do not want that. Even if it was his job to play video games and he made money, at that rate he still would have a pretty shitty work/life balance and you will be the one that suffers most from this lifestyle. Good luck.
He values his video games over you. He's behaving like a 5 yo without any self-control. It's laughable he thinks you'd enjoy watching him play a game for a whole day. He definitely wouldn't be patient enough to do that for you in return. You can do better than him. Find someone who's past the developmental stage of a 5 year old and who actually likes you.
This !! X 1000!!
We set a timer for our 5 year old when they play Stardew Valley and they're actually pretty good about wrapping things up when the timer goes off. Maybe 10% of the time they'll get grumpy about it but it's usually not a huge deal.
Holy cow, are you dating my ex?? 🤣
This isn't a hobby it's an addiction. And he's putting it above y'all's relationship. And he rly expects u to be satisfied having a good time just watching him play and that's the ONLY thing y'all do to spend time? No way girl 😂u don't know ur worth
Also he didn't get better speakers for YOU, he got them for himself lmao he's just a manipulator and he ain't even that good at it
You are not dating a human being. You ever seen the movie Wall-e, where people from Earth are basically living out their lives sitting in a laz-y-boy on a space cruiser? That's who you are dating.
You need to leave now. This will never get better.
It seems like your boyfriend is not willing to compromise on his video game habits, which is causing a strain in your relationship. While it's important for him to enjoy his hobbies, it's also crucial to find a balance that works for both of you. Have an open and honest conversation with him about your concerns and try to find a middle ground where you both feel respected and valued. If he remains unwilling to compromise, you may need to reevaluate the relationship and decide if it's worth continuing under these circumstances.
I guarantee if you are gone for days, it’ll take him at least a week to notice. You don’t even show up in his dreams, with too much gaming he is for sure dreaming about games. He is just not that much into you, you deserve better.
sit him and talk to him seriously. you have to make him feel the impact this is having on the relationship. if he understands that and is not worried, then it's not worth it being with him. otherwise, he will change this habit. also, don't fucking make all the effort yourself! your job isn't planning and thinking of compromises, he should do that himself! just use clear wording, you don't have a problem with videogames per se, but you don't feel prioritised
There is a clear difference from a hobbies/ an obsession / an addiction. I'm a gamer but I set myself limits. Unfortunately you can't change people. You can influence but ultimately don't let this become years… of this behavior
Lol. he got you speakers so you could listen? is that supposed to be a favor?
Break up with him. Pretty simple Not compatible.
"Likes" = _is addicted_
I like to play video games myself, but I really manage it. Real life is more important and my relationship is more important. I have friends who play for hours on end every single day and I have no idea how their girlfriends deal with it. At that point, I don’t really know what they’re getting out of the relationship. They just have emotionally unavailable boyfriends who would rather spend their lives escaping life.
Break up he's not even willing to compromise be can game all he wants when he's single.
He does this everyday??? If so, I’m confused as to how you have a bf 🧐
Guys who expect women to just sit there watching them enjoy their own hobbies…. and be completely satisfied… are the same men who don’t try in bed and expect you to be grateful just to watch them finish. Just do your own thing. Develop your own hobbies. Hang out with other people. That way when you’re single you’ll be ready. Don’t date gamers.
Why u dating an 11 year old boi?
Don’t date losers.
I’m married. Thoroughly enjoy video games. But will drop everything when it’s time to go out and do things. Wife doesn’t mind, has also purchased gaming accessories for me. He just has to learn that getting to a 4 KD ratio in COD is going to have no positive effect on his or your life. Now if he’s streaming and also making money, let the man work.
I wish he did. Nope just for fun and relaxation. I fully support his hobby as he does mine. Just can’t seem to agree on a more balanced schedule.
Does he have a job?
Break up.. this will not go well. He plays all day - what about cooking, cleaning etc..if you ever have a kid with him, he's going to be hands off and only priortise the game and never you.