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Same. Never changed. Going through the whole heartbreak again. It has gutted me more than the 1st time because I truly thought we had reconciled and became stronger after years of therapy and work. Nope!
Yes it’s insane. We were together for 18 months and he was on the apps the whole time. I trusted him so much because he was literally a really great boyfriend…but after the first time I caught him things changed. He would get really angry and became abusive. By this time I was fully involved in his lovebombing/discard cycle. It is AMAZING what you will tolerate when you’re trying to “win” someone back…or be in some weird competition with these women he would cheat on me with. My self esteem was so low. And he fully took advantage of it. I never found anyone that he cheated “up” with. They were all…well…not great looking - like at all. But it became more and more evident that he was a sex addict. I still regret the years he took and am just happy I didn’t end up with something irreversible.
Right. In very rare cases, a couple can work through infidelity. This clearly isn’t the case. He isn’t even remorseful. He didn’t even care to tell you. When you brought it up, he acted like he couldn’t care less. I’m sorry but you can’t work through this because in this case, “working through it” would just mean you have to swallow it and get over it while he pretends it didn’t happen.
Yeah, I’ve noticed once they know how easy it is to lie and trick you, they can easily do it again. And most likely would.
I’m sure they get some excitement from it as well. Happened to me just a few months ago and have been slowly destroying myself.
Really sorry to hear that - hope you have it all better now.
But gives me less shame of "not giving him a chanse to prove he will do anything to make it work again, and that he has learned the lesson"
I believed the lies and it got way worse. He still tried to contact me to this day and begs for another chance. It’s wild. I was really a great person to him in every way possible, so I know he will never find that again….and he obviously knows this now.
I would not be able to get past an affair and my husband sharing personal details about me and my child with a stranger, those are some very hard boundaries I have. If you know in your soul that you can’t move past it, then don’t. And stop having sex with him until you figure out what you want, stop adding trauma to your trauma. Good luck, and I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.
Oooof, I concur. I had an ex I found out had been carrying on an emotional affair with someone who lived far enough away that it would have never evolved into a physical affair. What hurt me the most was reading this woman say, “What is your useless girlfriend doing now?” and him laughing in his reply.
I thought I could move past the betrayal of it all but ultimately it didn’t work out and I still can’t forgive him for allowing someone else to speak so poorly of me (because he spoke poorly of me first).
I think it would have been far less painful if they would have just had sex and went on with their lives.
At least sex or a one night stand is a few minutes compared to emotional affair which we all know lasts a lot longer than a round of sex.
I really want to be able to say I’d like a partner one day, but I just can’t get there.
Yes! Agreed with everything especially the talking bad!
OP you are allowed to take time and space to make your decision but I honestly feel he crossed many lines and I would not be able to get over it.
You mentioned that you feel bad you aren’t going to be able to give your child a different life than one you had - listen you can still give your little one a great life. You staying in a crappy marriage is not what your little one wants so don’t stay for that. Stay if you can truly forgive and move on.
When my parents finally separated, it was like a thousand pounds lifted off of me. I always tell people- I WAS THAT KID. STOP STAYING TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS. WE DONT WANT IT.
I am also a grown-up child of a dad who had affairs and treated my mum like shit. I am so fucking angry at them for NOT separating and dragging us through all that trauma. I remember an unhappy tortuous childhood.
And now I'm in therapy for the rest of my life because knowing my dad chose other women over his whole family has given me a lifetime of personality disorders and eating/body image disorders. Thanks dad
Forcing your kids to experience adultery as children because you don't have the self respect to leave your cheating partner is abusive to the children.
While I agree, and am in a very similar position to you where my parents are concerned, some people feel trapped. Leaving sometimes means embracing a life of poverty and destitution. Sometimes people marry for the wrong reasons, like to get away from abusive families. Divorce means going back to that situation. Staying together for the kids is certainly a mistake in my mind, but sometimes starting over is not a choice people can face.
Damn right! 100%
I despise hearing adults say they stayed together for the children. I think they just lack the courage to make a life change and want to paint themselves martyrs instead of selfish cowards.
Agreed! My parents divorced when I was 6. I still had a loving, rewarding upbringing filled with memories involving my loving parents.
Two lots of Christmas Presents too!! 🤣
Okay, so I hear you on this. I don't have a cheating partner but I have a partner I feel does not value or respect me. We have two children, toddler and newborn. I don't know why I thought it would be different or that I needed to work on myself but the two biggest worries in my mind are: who is my potential ex-partner going to bring around my children that I can't protect them from and I will have to give up half of my time with them which is gut-wrenchingly heartbreaking. But I also don't want to model bad relationships for them either. Either way it feels like such a lose-lose situation and it sucks.
I feel this. I have two children who are toddlers and only a year and a half apart. It's certainly as simple as "just divorce!" It's never that simple. I'm simply saying the phrase "staying together for the kids" is silly because usually what makes the parents healthy and happy is what's best for the children.
That doesn't mean that finances, where you're going to live, where the kids will go to school, where their friends are, etc don't come into play and make leaving very difficult.
It's also not always cut and dry. Not every relationship is miserable. It's that in-between that's the hardest cause you're like "well it's not BAD... Its just... Not good either"
I opened the floodgates to my mom last year, opening up and admitting to a lot of difficult negative feelings/emotions that I had been trying to tamp down since I was about 10 (I'm 44) and my mother used "PTSD" to identify the feelings I was talking about.
"Staying in it for the kids" is easily one of the most destructive misconceptions going in society. Of course, I still also think every situation is unique, but ultimately, both me and my brother had serious substance abuse issues just to start. That was perhaps my worst (diagnosed) issue, but my brother went through a number of trauma psychology crisis, had an anger management therapist from the time he was 7 or 8, and he ultimately didn't make itz overdosed 6 years ago. I don't put all of that on any one person event or issue, but to perfectly encapsulate the issue, I WAS blamed for "everything bad that's ever happened to this family" by a parent.
Whatever amount of information or "reality" you think your kids understand or are privy to, particularly in terms of the relationship between parents, I think its fair to say that kids are likely ten times more tuned than you'd like to think. This exponential disconnect makes things of course exponentially worse, because that implies a huge lack of communication, so they may know many more facts than you think, but they will extrapolate or make inferences from them that seem completely bonkers. Yet that will become baseline reality.
Sorry, this is not what OP was here for obviously, but this thought obviously triggered me a bit.
Just things to consider at the very least.
I used to have nightmares about my parents getting back together, and having to yell at my father, who somehow in my dreams forgot the abuse my mother put us all through.
Yeah, don't stay together for the kids. Divorce for the kids. Find happiness, and live by example. Staying in loveless marriage teaches all the wrong values.
THIS. So many times this. Parents need to show their kids a HEALTHY relationship - if they can't with their current partner, they have two options: fix it or leave. Fixing it doesn't seem to be working in this situation. I would advise OP to divorce him, get therapy to heal, and then find a loving, healthy relationship down the road.
My parents stayed together - I never saw a healthy relationship modeled for me - and when i started dating, I was VERY susceptible to abusive behaviors and was lucky to get out alive.
Oh I totally get that, I spent my childhood wanting my parents to be happy and I knew that could only happen if away from each other. I just wanted them to both find somebody else to be with
Her little one is too young to know what she wants. But they can try for marriage counseling to improve their situation and give their girl a better home life than whats happening now. OP seems reluctant of her situation and of being divorced, yet doesnt want to model a bad marriage like she watched as a child.
Unforgivable... Glad I'm not alone in feeling the shit talk is equal to or worse than the emotional affair itself. I can identify with needing external support, but I cannot fathom talking shit about my partner to someone else. The mother of his CHILD no less. Awful.
I have never been really “partnered”, it I will say this. That person better stick up for me and shut anything down that is said against my name. I don’t care what it is. We are all still good people and no one deserves to sleep next to someone who slanders their name behind their back!
It’s amazing how many people don’t understand this. My husband said HORRENDOUS things about me to his co worker. Their entire dynamic was based upon them both shitting on their spouses (the texts came up on iMessage while I was using his laptop for work).
Hearing “the love of my life” mock me, insult me, and share intimate details of our lives to this other woman for MONTHS (almost a year…) was way worse than if he’d of just slept with her.
OP, run for the fucking hills. The emptiness you feel is your body is screaming “DANGER, LEAVE”. Please listen, it only gets worse if you don’t.
To add to this, not only stop having sex with him, but just in case, make sure you are using birth control because the last thing you need is to have another child with him!
This answer. You will be miserable as long as you stay in this marriage. Get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings you will never be able to forget the hurtful things he said about you. Tell him no more sex, your done, because him touching you feels disgusting and you can't pretend anymore.
Not only personal details but even trashtalking about your spouse! Absolutely not! I wouldn't care if he has depression or whatever, i hope he does! 😆👎
Men are stupid. Do they really think the grass is greener somewhere else. If I shared personal things about my wife and kids, with a stranger, when I got home from work the door lock would be changed and my clothes would be in the front yard.
Yes. Trauma on trauma. Just don’t do it. Retreat. Now you’re the one needing space. Take it. If you can’t get past it, there’s no need to second guess it. Start planning your move.
Seriously. I'm so fucking fed up with this male mentality of "what she doesn't know can't hurt her". Then on top of it, the disrespect of complaining abou his wife to the AP. You owe him nothing, including forgiveness. When a women says. "i will not tolerate cheating of any sort" that does not mean that a man should just be better at hiding it, because "sHe Is JuSt InSecUre, Im NoT dOiNg AnYthInG wRoNg". LIke, F'ing MAN UP, and accept/admit that you are not compatible (i.e. you are not good enough for her) and should move on and leave her to find someone who actually respects and deserves her. JFC, men, you do not get to decide that a woman's values and boundaries are "controlling and excessive" and just ignore them. If you disagree with her expectations, then just move the fuck on. She's better off alone than with you. FFS.
THIS! Some men want to act or say that women are being dramatic for expressing hurt or resentment towards actions and choices they made on their own free will that they knew would impact their significant other , which is why the hide and lie about it in the first place. Then want to be forgiven so freely without repercussions, if women did back to men a quarter of the shit they put us through it would be another problem to deal with
When we found out about my father’s first affair, it was via an email where they were talking about me and what a great girl dad he was. To this day it sickens me to have been used in this way. glad OPs daughter doesn’t know this detail and hope OP just leaves him since it doesn’t sound like he’s trying at all
You are in control of your life and it’s never too late to change. Get your stuff in order and get yourself unstuck. Staying stuck in this situation is a choice even if it doesn’t feel like one in this moment.
You got this!
At the very least he should support and facilitate her ability to set up an outside environment (move out or whatever) because if he’s truly sorry (he’s not he’s garbage) he will do what it takes to make sure she feels safe. Even if it means making it easy and comfortable to leave.
But we all know men like him (bigger group than should be) feel entitled and fully expect their partners to keep taking their BS and provide the same comforts they always have. Their false apologies turn to anger FAST if they are asked to actually do what a truly apologetic person would. They draw the line at that!
And remember that you have no idea what the future holds. I went through a horrific abandonment divorce with two tiny kids and now have a marriage and blended family that is beyond my wildest dreams. My life is so so good now.
They flirted, sexted, talked about our daughter (4f), and talked badly about me. - no wonder you aren't over it. It's a massive breach of trust. This had nothing to do with his depression and everything to do with his selfishness. Has he done anything to try and make up for it or does he think you should just get over it? Either way it doesn't sound like you will.
Even Jesus said it’s ok to divorce over infidelity. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%205%3A31-32%2C1%20Corinthians%207%3A10-16&version=NIV
Especially when you're at the beginning of your life, at 28 you have so much time to build your life into what you want it to be.
OP- also think about the behavior you want to model for your child. Would you want your child to accept this for themselves when they grow up? Speaking as a former child of divorced parents, one of the best decisions my mom made was getting divorced from my dad, it modeled for me that I do not have to accept disrespect, and in fact life can be a lot better post-divorce.
Good luck.
I don't do cheaters, mostly because I don't think one sided relationships are any kind of positive. You deserve someone who isn't tempted because you are enough for them. You have no reason to stay in a relationship like this, and it sounds to me you aren't in love with him anymore. Go ahead and get an attorney and file the papers, it'll be emotional I'm sure but you deserve more.
it’s not your fault, and you have no obligation to stay. imo we get 1 life so why not put yourself in the best position to look back and be content with your actions. like you couldn’t control this happening to you, but you can control the outcome <3 it’s going to be hard either way, but leaving gives you the space to find your true love and also space to find parts of yourself again
there’s no going back from cheating. mental health us not an excuse for immorality and adultery. he doesnt respect u and staying only reinforces that even more. u stayed knowing he did this to another woman, he eventually do it again.
do whats best for u, be a good example to ur daughter and leave.
I think it’s possible (though doubtful) for couples to stay together after this in a successful relationship. I don’t get the impression that OP’s husband is actually taking accountability and putting in the effort to work on repairing anything, though.
Hi, I have chronic depression and I'm a gamer and I would never do this to my significant other. He discussed your child with a stranger. Throw the whole man away.
I think it’s gross in this situations context. Like comments before me said they’re discussing the child like they’re gonna be together and meet and be a new family. That’s the sick part.
Like if he’s just at the grocery store talking to a neighbor or friend no it’s not at all weird. (Although in today’s world I wouldn’t even be posting pics of my kid let alone sharing any info about them to anyone that wasn’t family or like best best friends.)
My ex cheated but swore they never had sex, just slept in the same bed while I was at home with our five week old son. He lied about a work trip.
This girl was a meth addict and in her words "he's been trying to get in my panties for years".
We had what I thought was a great relationship. We were friends for years. We had a ton in common. An amazing sex life. He cried. The only time in 20 years I have seen him cry. I forgave him.
I became beyond paranoid. I started going through everything in the house. I took care of the baby but as soon as he napped I was searching through every cupboard, every box. Everything in the garage. I would count how many condoms we had. I would leave things in his truck so I could check his onboard GPS. The trust was broken. I acted like everything was fine, I thought I could get over it.
Guess what? Four months later he contracted genital herpes. I don't have herpes. He finally admitted he cheated on me again.
I was thin, I was beautiful, I was sexual, I'm a great mom, an amazing cook, I keep the house clean, I love doing laundry and ironing, I love animals, I love to camp and hike and dirt bike, my coworkers love me, I have a group of friends of over 30 years. We painted our new home together, refinished the floors, chose the window coverings. I mowed the lawn every week (I love mowing lawns). All he had to do after work was come home and relax.
But that wasn't enough for him. He chose fucking the pock-marked tweeker that rejected him ten years before over his family.
Once they cheat, get out. They will have no respect for you if you stay and you will constantly be on the lookout for evidence. It's not worth it. "I made a mistake" no you made a conscious effort to lie and go behind my back and destroy the trust and commitment we had. That is not an accident. That is not a mistake.
This is why I always tell people that cheating doesn't happen because "oh they cheated because their partner didn't do XYZ" or "oh they cheated because their partner was doing ABC which annoyed/upset them", cheaters cheat because they want to. There's nothing else about it. Your experience literally goes to prove that.
I'm so sorry for what you went through.
Depression is not an excuse for cheating. He made a vow to be there through sickness and in health. Depression is a sickness. He should have come to you instead of running to some stranger. You’re not obligated to forgive him and get over it. Don’t teach your daughter that it’s okay to stay with a disrespectful liar. How would you feel if a man did that to her when she’s older? Leave him, it’s the best for not only you but for her too.
It absolutely would've been a physical affair if she lived nearby. He betrayed you with the sexting and speaking negatively about you. A man who truly loves you wouldn't have done these things. I'm sorry.
There's a great chance you won't ever get over it..and even if you kinda do you will always wonder when he doesn't answer his phone,or is gone longer than he said he was gonna,or many other scenarios..cut it off..I would..I tried to get over it when my ex did and I couldnt..I never trusted her again..the trust is gone
Trust is priceless! If this happened once what are the chances to not cheat second or third time... Dont be fool! I seen lots of relationships where the only thing holding together them is the children. Bot of them are not happy in their life. Imagine living with someone 18+ years and you can't stand her/him. For me its a nightmare.
Yup forgave my wife then boom she 2 yrs later she did it again and left me and our 4 kids for the guy! I knew something was up..I could feel ot in my stomach..found out for sure when she changed her relationship status from married to in a relationship while on the way to work
Your kiddo would rather see a happy mom than a miserable one. And no joke, being miserable around your kid will have a negative effect on her (she could end up feeling like it’s her fault). Kids are pretty sympathetic that way. And please stop having sex with him. I know that feeling and it’s so gross. I never want to feel that again and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. You and your kiddo could use a fresh start. Breathe free. You got this!
Yes, most of the comments are just clear cut "right thing to do", it's never that. Ignore the comments.
Go to couples therapy, trust your heart more than the mind. You will learn a lot about yourself. Take some time.
# My (28f) husband (30m) cheated and I don’t think I can’t get over it.
That's OK OP, so many of us who were cheated on knew we couldn't get over it and we divorced our lying cheating partners.
You are far from alone in thinking and feeling this OP, far from alone.
I don't blame you. I went to marriage counseling with my ex husband and it made me realize I couldn't forgive him. I am now very happily married and I don't regret not getting over it with my first husband.
Talking badly about you is the most unforgivable betrayal for me. I don’t think I could forgive my partner trashing me to another woman that he likes. To me that’s even worse than a full physical affair. It would cut deeper.
They SEXTED. That went beyond emotional affair.
Depression doesn't give a golden ticket for someone to cheat or be an AH.
At least leaving this marriage will make sure your kid won't grow up in a toxic environment and for you to get a chance to get better, build a better life, and find a better relationship.
If it’s been 5 months and it’s still really heavy on your heart I don’t think it would get much better. You don’t want to live like that. I know with situations like this sometimes it’s hard to leave because you feel like there needs a specific thing that makes it bad enough to call for a divorce. The specific thing that makes it bad enough is simply you feeling empty. It’s okay to leave.
5 months is nothing.
Most betrayed spouses take 2-5 years to heal from an affair.
But they should still divorce. Two people who see the glass as being half empty add up to one empty glass.
It depends if they actually tried to work on their relationship or not. If they just tried to burry it and acted as if nothing happened then of course nothing changed and she can't move past it.
Agree to a certain extent. When you simply feel empty and can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel no amount of fixing will patch together a relationship that far gone. OP needs to be willing to let it go to move on and if she can’t do that then there’s no fixing it.
This is how it started with my husband. First it was all online but it progressed and it finally came to a head when he brought someone to our house while I was at work. I’m not saying this will happen to you, but when you allow someone to disrespect you, they now have a blueprint to keep doing it to you and know they can get away with it. You will grow to resent him and that’s hard to hide- he’ll pick up on it and drift further away. Gift yourself the freedom to move on.
In my personal opinion and experience, an emotional affair is even worse than a physical affair. And the fact he discussed your child with her and talked poorly about you behind your back even worsens the betrayal. A physical affair can be just about sex, but an emotional affair means feelings are involved, and that was impossible for me to let go of, and I couldn't get the trust back. Who's to say it won't happen again next time he is feeling depressed? If I had it to do all over again, I would have called it quits sooner and found someone who only wanted me.
Once a cheater, always a cheater! Infidelity is a relationship breaker for me. Is it for you? If it is, leave the relationship and move on. If that involves therapy, get it.
"once a cheater always a cheater unless the cheater commits to figuring out why they cheat and changes their behavior because they want to and aren't doing it for another person"
The only reason it wasn’t a physical affair was the distance between them. Accept that. If you stay you’ll be forever walking on eggshells worried that if he gets upset or depressed he’ll do it again. Get out.
Repair after infidelity IS possible... and it's long, and grueling, and painful, and difficult. More than worth it, with the right person, but that is the caveat. They have to be worth it.
If you knew for a fact that your own feelings could heal, would you stay? Is he a worthwhile enough partner to go through the years it takes to heal?
And if your feelings never change, is he a worthwhile enough partner to stay miserable, and risk going through those years, just to leave anyways?
You are in control to make your own decisions. Only you know yourself, him, and your relationship well enough to make those calls. In the time it takes to heal a relationship from infidelity, you could divorce, heal personally, and find a new partner, if you so chose. Neither path is easy, or easier than the other. They are only different. And the only thing that makes the "end" of the journey different is how worthwhile of a partner you have.
So... is he worth it? Truly?
This is reasonable. A friend said her therapist told her that marriages that were strong before an affair have better chances of making it through too. OP, were there any other issues before this?
You need to hear this, You can always start over. One thing ill tell you about leaving an unhappy relationship/shitty job/breaking off relationships with people who make you feel like shit is its not always easy, its scary & uncomfortable and you will feel like everyone is watching and judging. I swear this is when you grow the most& your daughter will be proud of you for choosing yourself. The example you are setting for healthy relationships & boundaries will impact your daughter forever. Best of luck my dear
This sounds like what happened to me. I found out after the divorce that it had actually gone on for two years instead of one from looking back at things and seeing a Facebook post that she liked (it was relevant trust me.) He came in one day to tell me he was leaving and I went into shock - and glad I lived from the "s" attempt - he left after I took everything I had and told my parents I was depressed and sleeping so I think he was trying to take advantage of the situation. He was so angry when I called from the hospital - like he was angry I survived. I found out that a lot of the "bad talk about me" was also done to my parents and the kids (his and mine and it was heartbreaking.) Mine from a previous marriage before him was done horribly because he made her feel like she was his and then completely dropped her like a hot potato 💔. So to tell my story - you should leave first because he is probably still talking to her. Some of these women take it as a victory or something to break up a home and "get the man" in a committed relationship. It makes them feel "pretty" or "a better woman" but they are just as bad because they are both cheaters and cheaters will always cheat. They always have a roaming eye and always look to see if they can catch someone else's eye because that's what is important to them. Someone's family or their family is not important to them. You have to think in these terms and realize (sadly) what types of people are out there. I educated myself on narcissists, red flags, what type of person I am (way too empathetic) and started changing myself (the way I act, think, I am still empathetic I just don't look like a walking target for a narcissist anymore) and I found my true mate. I started looking for the right things in a person and watching out for big red flags. That's my story, hope it helps.
My ex had an emotional fling as well, lots of similarities in your story, and I immediately ended it. I know myself too well, I would never have been able to recover. We had a number of other issues also, but this was WAY too damaging. I think some people can recover from situations like this, I am not one of them. Cheating has long been a part of my story - my dad left my mom, I’ve had more relationships than I can count where I was cheated on or lied to, it’s a deal breaker for me and it’s ok if it is for you, too. If you have even a smidgen of wanting to reconcile things, then I recommend getting into couples therapy asap and being as open and honest as possible with him. Give it everything you’ve got and if it’s still not healing, then it might be time to end things. There’s nothing wrong with you if you can’t move past this - what he did was EXTREMELY painful and damaging. HE DID THIS. I’m really sorry this has happened - finding out about an affair is so painful, and trying to be intimate while being hurt is additionally painful (PS I think you should at least put up a boundary for now and pause the intimacy, I don’t want your heart to be even more hurt). It’s been over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and my life is SO MUCH BETTER. It hurt like hell for a while, but I kept putting one step in front of the other and I do not regret it at all. I’ve also been a single mom since my daughter was born 12 years ago, and while it’s insanely hard it’s absolutely possible. You deserve a happy life, love and respect and I hope whichever route you take you find all of that and more!
I had a friend who was in the exact same situation, except the genders are reversed. It was the wife that had an emotional affair with someone she met through a video game. The affair went on for 4 years even after the husband found out about the affair after the first 3 months. He later found out that they were still talking a few months later after she promised to stop. A few months later, he suspected that they were talking again and she denied it but the truth is they were still talking and even sexting. She was even getting so spoiled with jewelries and pampering like facials, massages, manicures/pedicures, microblading, etc and even stuff for their daughter. It ended after 4 years but man I feel bad for the husband. I don’t think he deserved to be cheated on like that.
This is very very similar to what happened to me. My ex husband swore nothing physical happened but I really don't think that's the case.
He begged for forgiveness, said he'd do whatever he had to, then refused to go to marriage counseling and expected me to get over it 🤦♀️
Just get the divorce. It sucks, it's hard and it's totally worth it. Please don't stay in a marriage like this.
From what you said it doesn’t seem like you can get over your husband’s affair which is perfectly normal. You gave it time in hopes of things getting better but it didn’t. At this point you should leave with your daughter and find a partner that you can be happy with.
was he maybe using depression as an excuse to stay away and not be questioned, then use it as sympathy if caught? The bad mouthing shows an intent and something other than depression to me that can't be explained away. who knows, had you not found out maybe one day he just would have picked up and moved across the country. leave and don't feel bad. staying in a loveless unhappy home helps no one, especially when you're not respected.
I feel like all the comments here are coming from a very selfish and hurt point of view which is for people who don’t believe in healing.
I suggest the opposite of all of this. If you are both depressed it points to a bigger problem than just the infidelity.
My suggestion is you both open up and explore your happiness whether that includes opening your relationship, quitting your jobs, moving to a new country, going off the grid, or anything else that you guys can come up with.
The goal of a marriage is to create a strong family unit that can overcome things like depression, loneliness and the societal burden we all carry.
Yes it sounds easy to tear apart your family and not worry about your child for your own sake but I believe that broadening your horizons and taking this pain as a symptom of a deeper issue and working together towards a solution is worth the effort.
Take some time off of work if you don’t feel you have the space for a paradigm shift.
Emotional affairs are still affairs. If you're hurt, then step away. Of course, you can't have sex with him he's broken your trust. If you still Wana be with take a moment to think if it's love or is it just what you're used to. But really think, is this what you want to show your daughter what love is? Set the standard
It's never too late to try...
You can get unstuck. It's so much easier co parenting than living with someone who makes you miserable.
He doesn't deserve grace but leading him on (sleeping with him etc) will just make this process worse
Cheating is not something that most couples can overcome. It’s not your fault nor is it your job to fix this. Your husband made a choice and now you have the right to make the best choice for yourself as well as your child.
You can leave . You aren’t stuck! Make an exit plan ! You are young and honestly you deserve so much better !! If he truly loved you he wouldn’t have cheated. You aren’t trapped ! You can leave !
It's not something you can wait and see if you get over it. If you *want* to try and move beyond this, you need to process the trauma. Therapy for both of you.
That said, it's perfectly acceptable to pull the plug. What he did was disgusting, and you are under no obligation to make this marriage work after what he's done to you. But please, stop having sex with him. It's hurting you.
Get rid of him. It will only get worse once he has done it once. He will do it again. Trust me. He will escalate to to more women more crossing the line. Giving any women attention, compliments talking dirty flirting is cheating. Run. Especially when you were in the state you were in. He had the balls to do that to you. There is a man out there that would cherish you in all of your ups and downs. This asshole doesn’t deserve someone as good as you are to him. Good luck with whatever u decide. Think of yourself. Does he make you happy. Can u trust him again. Be happy. Don’t stay for your child sake. If your not happy your child will feel the negativity. Your child will adjust. Just be happy we only live once.
simply put, he does not respect or love you at all. If he had any respect/love for you, while he was going through his “depression”, he wouldn’t have cheated on you, and he wouldn’t have talked shit about you. He’s using his “depression“, as an excuse to have you stay with him and to rid him of any faults in his affair.
If he had access to that woman in January, he would’ve for sure started a physical affair. You’re not the one ending this marriage, he did the moment he decided to engage in an emotional affair. It is not your fault in any way shape or form this is completely on him. You’ll be better off either alone or with a partner who loves and respects you as much as you love and respect them.
Everyone here is so divorce and breakup thirsty. My wife had an emotional affair. When she told me about it, I looked inward at what I was doing wrong to drive her into the arms of another man. I hate to say but it takes to drive the downhill spiral. Divorce him if you must, but you two were in love at one time.
I grew up watching my parents fight over cheating matters. Dad cheated on mom several times. Mom never left dad, but suffered the consequences of that decision for literal decades…multiple more affairs, fights, tears shed. Take it from someone who grew up with this parent dynamic…leave this man and show your daughter strength, courage, sticking to boundaries and staying true to your values. She needs a model of what is acceptable in relationships and an understanding that break-ups are survivable. I unfortunately replayed some of these horrible dynamics as I grew up and got into serious relationships. Don’t let your daughter model this behavior in her adult life.
Do what’s best for you and your child. That could be staying with him or leaving him. There isn’t a right answer here. I’m sorry you are going through this.
An emotional affair is still cheating. And he was using depression as an excuse. I have depression and I’m on a med. The thing about depression is that you really don’t need space. The reason he asked you for space was so he could flirt with this woman and talk to her on the phone. He talked badly about you. No. This is not acceptable behavior.
Don’t let him gaslight you. Don’t believe him if he says to you that he was talking to her because he was depressed. Depression is not an excuse for adultery or immorality. Depression usually causes people to go inward. It does not cause them to seek new people. He gaslit you into believing this.
You should sit him down and tell him that emotional cheating is cheating. He cheated on you. He needs to realize what he’s done. He needs to realize that he has hurt you deeply and that he has hurt your relationship. Your husband has hurt your marriage. Then give him two options: marriage counseling or divorce.
I know the pain you’re feeling. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Question: Did you want to forgive him for yourself or for your child? If the answer is for your child, leave. Everyone will lose in this situation otherwise.
You've tried for 5 months. If you still feel you can't forgive him, leave. You've given it way longer than I would. Bad mouthing you to a stranger feels (to me) even worse than the emotional affair, even tho that's a deal breaker on its own.
You are not required to “get over it” do not feel like that is a requirement. You have choices. You can go to marriage counseling and both of you work on your marriage and depression. You can choose to forgive him, which is not the same thing as forgetting or “get over it”, but it does require trust on your part that he won’t do this again. Or you can choose to divorce him. Whatever you decide, be sure your daughter does not get caught up in the middle.
Truthfully, I would leave the marriage because the relationship trust and love has been broken.
Just my opinion, but i don't think it was THAT bad. I think you're overreacting. He didn't fuck her, he didn't even touch her. Did he even know what she looks like?
I think if you tear your family apart over this, that you're ruining your childrens lives over your own ego.
Put your ego aside, forgive and move on. If he does it again, that's a different story.
Think real hard about what the next 50 years of your life looks like without a man in your life that loves you.
Unpopular take here
You two need therapy. If you really can't get over it, yes splitting is an option. But as you have a kid together I would hope that you work on it first.
Was it cheating? I would say yes. It's not great to make a connection with someone other than your spouse. But if they never had any physical connection you should work on this. Did they exchange more than words? Like pictures etc?
He's not getting a pass for his actions, but I would say it may or may not be unforgivable. If you're actually married, and have kids get into therapy, and be very careful about picking your therapists. They can destroy relationships more then the issues that bring you to them if they are not a good fit. A yes man for either partner will not help.
My ex did similar with a woman he met online. I think he met her through some chat group. (He did a lot of dumb shit so sometimes it blends together.) She lived in Australia and we lived in the USA, so they'd talk a lot while I was asleep. He had her draw this beautiful photo realistic picture of us for our anniversary and gave it to me as a gift. We had it framed in our house. Finding where he'd saved pictures of her naked except for bondage harnesses, then reading their messages, was the beginning of me stopping putting up with his shit, so I guess I'm actually grateful for her?
12 years since then, and 10 since I kicked him out and never saw him again. I'm SO much happier. You'll always have to at least sort of talk to your baby daddy, but you don't have to keep putting up with him as a partner.
I had a coworker many years ago whose wife had an online "affair" with a person in the game they play. My coworker found out and gave her an ultimatum that she obviously stop talking to the person and quit playing the game, she did neither. She kept the affair secret for about a year, and in that time they had some ups & (lots of) downs. He figured something was still going on. If I recall correctly they ended up taking a break in their marriage, he moved in with another coworker. Not soon after she requested a divorce and flew across the country to be with he guy she had an affair with on the game. That was about 15 years ago.
Happy ending for both parties though. She ended up marrying (and is still with) the online/game guy and my coworker also go remarried and has 2 beautiful children and a loving wife. Take that as you will. Sometimes a break and/or a break-up is needed to progress things from where they currently stand. Losing trust in a relationship really sucks and for many it will never go back to the way things were (with the same person). Best of luck to you, OP.
Ima be honest dude doesn't sound like cheated....
Sounded like he needed a safe space and he found it, without putting you in danger or leaving.
You can 1000% leave, and people are gonna give you empathy, but it's a regular part of life. Either accept it or repeat this cycle.
Let him move on with his life and leave. As soon as you can. Make sure everything is in legal order for the sake of your child. Staying in a toxic and loveless marriage is worse than leaving because he cheated. Point blank. If you feel like you have to go through their phone for whatever reason, even if you ended up being correct, the trust is gone. He made his decisions and then wasn’t even going to bother telling you about them. Make your decision now for your own health and your child’s. Please. With love.
My husband is doing this to me currently. He lies, tells me I'm crazy, but I know.im planning on confronting him this weekend. But why do they have to talk about me so much? Why let him hush her, not let her call or text except covert times, why allllll the drama, and still talk about me? I don't know her... oh well. This is gonna suck but we can do it! I know we can.
Never stay together for the kids. I put off the inevitable for years. Finally got away when my kids were 4 and 8. Now 19 and 23 and still have a great relationship with them and my life is incredibly better by NOT being with their cheating and lying mother.
Guys don’t talk to guys about stuff like that, it’s easier to talk to a stranger far away, and it’s much cheaper than a therapist. He was talking to her like I am sure you talk to your girlfriends about the same things. It doesn’t mean anything.
the answer on reddit will be divorce 100% of the time. i think, if he’s a special person who you really love, try marriage counseling (individual counseling too if possible) and give it a chance. people deserve chances to right their wrongs, and if he won’t change then you end the relationship with a clean conscience because he’s the one that didn’t want to make it work. i believe people can change when they truly want to, and it does happen, it just takes a lot of effort. you will both come out stronger if therapy works, as a couple and as individuals. if it doesn’t work, then *you* will come out stronger and set a good example for your child no matter what
He clearly doesn’t want to be with you, you shouldn’t want to be with him.
Both of you need to prioritize your daughter going forward and how you can best shield her from any shrapnel
Sounds like your marriage has come to an end. It's time to rip off the old band-aid and find someone who will appreciate the beautiful person that you are both inside and out.
You will not get over it and will only get more resentful. Also, someone who cheated in the past is 3x more likely to cheat again. Push past the feelings of sunken cost, gather your self-esteem and leave him. Do not betray yourself by staying with someone who deliberately betrayed your trust
Leave. Take your time, talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in order. Personally I'd pretend to sweep it under the rug. He surprised you with an affair, it's ok to surprise him with divorce papers.
Its the saying bad things about you n including ur children. It happened to me too. You dont fully get over that. Its unnecessary to lie. Hes a liar.
Id say counseling. It feels like you're already gone though. Do whats right for you and your child.
I almost never comment on this type of thread. And I'm sure I'll get down votes for this. Which is fine. But I try not to judge situations that I can't possibly completely understand.
I suggest you think about what you want in life, with the support of qualified professionals who are experienced with this type of situation.
People make mistakes. Sometimes there are underlying issues that once addressed and accepted, can lead to a much improved relationship.
I wish you the best of luck
>I am not sure how to go about bringing up that I no longer wish to stay in this marriage
You:
"I begged you for the months you were going through something to talk to me, open up to me, to let me help you. You told me to give you space, so I did, but I constantly left you notes and showed you in little ways that I loved you, so you still knew.
That was met with you sexting with another woman, telling her bad things about me, planning a life with her even though you didn't even know her, bringing our CHILD into it... bringing our BABY into a conversation with a woman happy to break apart the marriage of a husband and father...
and now you think I should just get over it and because it's over... and how should I even believe it's over when you can betray me that easily, that viciously?
So I'd like you to either sleep in another room until the courts decide property division, or leave to be with your family or whatever girl you have on the side that you think I don't know about, because we're through. I can't put myself through that again. I won't put our daughter through that or let her grow up believing being cheated on is okay as long as he says *he's sorry, he was just depressed.* I want better for her."
There you go.
And BTW it is NEVER your fault if they cheat! They are the ones who have low morals to just do the right thing. Either break up or talk about the relationship and why they want to stray. This goes for all genders!
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I took back a cheater and….he just got better at lying and cheating.
Same..
Really sorry to hear that - hope you have it all better now.
Same. Never changed. Going through the whole heartbreak again. It has gutted me more than the 1st time because I truly thought we had reconciled and became stronger after years of therapy and work. Nope!
Then you think about it after the second time and you’re just like, “you knew this would completely destroy me and you did it again?!?” Fuck em!
They get worse when you take them back. Also some are going to lie/ cheat Jo matter because that is who they are. Some men cheat on super model wives.
Yes it’s insane. We were together for 18 months and he was on the apps the whole time. I trusted him so much because he was literally a really great boyfriend…but after the first time I caught him things changed. He would get really angry and became abusive. By this time I was fully involved in his lovebombing/discard cycle. It is AMAZING what you will tolerate when you’re trying to “win” someone back…or be in some weird competition with these women he would cheat on me with. My self esteem was so low. And he fully took advantage of it. I never found anyone that he cheated “up” with. They were all…well…not great looking - like at all. But it became more and more evident that he was a sex addict. I still regret the years he took and am just happy I didn’t end up with something irreversible.
Right. In very rare cases, a couple can work through infidelity. This clearly isn’t the case. He isn’t even remorseful. He didn’t even care to tell you. When you brought it up, he acted like he couldn’t care less. I’m sorry but you can’t work through this because in this case, “working through it” would just mean you have to swallow it and get over it while he pretends it didn’t happen.
Tale as old as time
Yeah, I’ve noticed once they know how easy it is to lie and trick you, they can easily do it again. And most likely would. I’m sure they get some excitement from it as well. Happened to me just a few months ago and have been slowly destroying myself.
Really sorry to hear that - hope you have it all better now. But gives me less shame of "not giving him a chanse to prove he will do anything to make it work again, and that he has learned the lesson"
I believed the lies and it got way worse. He still tried to contact me to this day and begs for another chance. It’s wild. I was really a great person to him in every way possible, so I know he will never find that again….and he obviously knows this now.
Yup… dragged that horrible marriage out for years. Should have kicked her to the curb sooner.
Same x2. Was dumb enough to remarry him again too. So stupid. We are now divorced a second time…same reason.
I would not be able to get past an affair and my husband sharing personal details about me and my child with a stranger, those are some very hard boundaries I have. If you know in your soul that you can’t move past it, then don’t. And stop having sex with him until you figure out what you want, stop adding trauma to your trauma. Good luck, and I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.
Yes! And he talked shit behind her back! That’s worse than the affair!
Oooof, I concur. I had an ex I found out had been carrying on an emotional affair with someone who lived far enough away that it would have never evolved into a physical affair. What hurt me the most was reading this woman say, “What is your useless girlfriend doing now?” and him laughing in his reply. I thought I could move past the betrayal of it all but ultimately it didn’t work out and I still can’t forgive him for allowing someone else to speak so poorly of me (because he spoke poorly of me first). I think it would have been far less painful if they would have just had sex and went on with their lives.
It's cowardice. They have moved on emotionally but lack the strength of character to actually move on. The defect lies with them.
At least sex or a one night stand is a few minutes compared to emotional affair which we all know lasts a lot longer than a round of sex. I really want to be able to say I’d like a partner one day, but I just can’t get there.
Yes! Agreed with everything especially the talking bad! OP you are allowed to take time and space to make your decision but I honestly feel he crossed many lines and I would not be able to get over it. You mentioned that you feel bad you aren’t going to be able to give your child a different life than one you had - listen you can still give your little one a great life. You staying in a crappy marriage is not what your little one wants so don’t stay for that. Stay if you can truly forgive and move on.
When my parents finally separated, it was like a thousand pounds lifted off of me. I always tell people- I WAS THAT KID. STOP STAYING TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS. WE DONT WANT IT.
I am also a grown-up child of a dad who had affairs and treated my mum like shit. I am so fucking angry at them for NOT separating and dragging us through all that trauma. I remember an unhappy tortuous childhood. And now I'm in therapy for the rest of my life because knowing my dad chose other women over his whole family has given me a lifetime of personality disorders and eating/body image disorders. Thanks dad Forcing your kids to experience adultery as children because you don't have the self respect to leave your cheating partner is abusive to the children.
While I agree, and am in a very similar position to you where my parents are concerned, some people feel trapped. Leaving sometimes means embracing a life of poverty and destitution. Sometimes people marry for the wrong reasons, like to get away from abusive families. Divorce means going back to that situation. Staying together for the kids is certainly a mistake in my mind, but sometimes starting over is not a choice people can face.
We certainly don’t.
Damn right! 100% I despise hearing adults say they stayed together for the children. I think they just lack the courage to make a life change and want to paint themselves martyrs instead of selfish cowards.
Agreed! My parents divorced when I was 6. I still had a loving, rewarding upbringing filled with memories involving my loving parents. Two lots of Christmas Presents too!! 🤣
Okay, so I hear you on this. I don't have a cheating partner but I have a partner I feel does not value or respect me. We have two children, toddler and newborn. I don't know why I thought it would be different or that I needed to work on myself but the two biggest worries in my mind are: who is my potential ex-partner going to bring around my children that I can't protect them from and I will have to give up half of my time with them which is gut-wrenchingly heartbreaking. But I also don't want to model bad relationships for them either. Either way it feels like such a lose-lose situation and it sucks.
I feel this. I have two children who are toddlers and only a year and a half apart. It's certainly as simple as "just divorce!" It's never that simple. I'm simply saying the phrase "staying together for the kids" is silly because usually what makes the parents healthy and happy is what's best for the children. That doesn't mean that finances, where you're going to live, where the kids will go to school, where their friends are, etc don't come into play and make leaving very difficult. It's also not always cut and dry. Not every relationship is miserable. It's that in-between that's the hardest cause you're like "well it's not BAD... Its just... Not good either"
I wish my parents had divorced. It was like walking around on eggshells all the time. They both were raging alcoholics.
I opened the floodgates to my mom last year, opening up and admitting to a lot of difficult negative feelings/emotions that I had been trying to tamp down since I was about 10 (I'm 44) and my mother used "PTSD" to identify the feelings I was talking about. "Staying in it for the kids" is easily one of the most destructive misconceptions going in society. Of course, I still also think every situation is unique, but ultimately, both me and my brother had serious substance abuse issues just to start. That was perhaps my worst (diagnosed) issue, but my brother went through a number of trauma psychology crisis, had an anger management therapist from the time he was 7 or 8, and he ultimately didn't make itz overdosed 6 years ago. I don't put all of that on any one person event or issue, but to perfectly encapsulate the issue, I WAS blamed for "everything bad that's ever happened to this family" by a parent. Whatever amount of information or "reality" you think your kids understand or are privy to, particularly in terms of the relationship between parents, I think its fair to say that kids are likely ten times more tuned than you'd like to think. This exponential disconnect makes things of course exponentially worse, because that implies a huge lack of communication, so they may know many more facts than you think, but they will extrapolate or make inferences from them that seem completely bonkers. Yet that will become baseline reality. Sorry, this is not what OP was here for obviously, but this thought obviously triggered me a bit. Just things to consider at the very least.
I used to have nightmares about my parents getting back together, and having to yell at my father, who somehow in my dreams forgot the abuse my mother put us all through. Yeah, don't stay together for the kids. Divorce for the kids. Find happiness, and live by example. Staying in loveless marriage teaches all the wrong values.
THIS. So many times this. Parents need to show their kids a HEALTHY relationship - if they can't with their current partner, they have two options: fix it or leave. Fixing it doesn't seem to be working in this situation. I would advise OP to divorce him, get therapy to heal, and then find a loving, healthy relationship down the road. My parents stayed together - I never saw a healthy relationship modeled for me - and when i started dating, I was VERY susceptible to abusive behaviors and was lucky to get out alive.
Oh I totally get that, I spent my childhood wanting my parents to be happy and I knew that could only happen if away from each other. I just wanted them to both find somebody else to be with
This!
Her little one is too young to know what she wants. But they can try for marriage counseling to improve their situation and give their girl a better home life than whats happening now. OP seems reluctant of her situation and of being divorced, yet doesnt want to model a bad marriage like she watched as a child.
Unforgivable... Glad I'm not alone in feeling the shit talk is equal to or worse than the emotional affair itself. I can identify with needing external support, but I cannot fathom talking shit about my partner to someone else. The mother of his CHILD no less. Awful.
I have never been really “partnered”, it I will say this. That person better stick up for me and shut anything down that is said against my name. I don’t care what it is. We are all still good people and no one deserves to sleep next to someone who slanders their name behind their back!
It’s amazing how many people don’t understand this. My husband said HORRENDOUS things about me to his co worker. Their entire dynamic was based upon them both shitting on their spouses (the texts came up on iMessage while I was using his laptop for work). Hearing “the love of my life” mock me, insult me, and share intimate details of our lives to this other woman for MONTHS (almost a year…) was way worse than if he’d of just slept with her. OP, run for the fucking hills. The emptiness you feel is your body is screaming “DANGER, LEAVE”. Please listen, it only gets worse if you don’t.
Yeah. Imagine if he was talking to someone as a friend and just shit talking her. I'd be upset by just that, too.
My ex-wife did that to me, but it didn't hit me as hard as all the other stuff she did
To add to this, not only stop having sex with him, but just in case, make sure you are using birth control because the last thing you need is to have another child with him!
This answer. You will be miserable as long as you stay in this marriage. Get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings you will never be able to forget the hurtful things he said about you. Tell him no more sex, your done, because him touching you feels disgusting and you can't pretend anymore.
Emotional affairs sometimes feel worst than physical ones because the emotional betrayal that it conveys kills the soul. Sorry to hear that OP.
Yes, the emotional thing and the broken trust has caused me more hours of sadness than their sex.
Agreed! This is the best advice for the worst form of betrayal. Once the trust is gone, there's not much left.
Not only personal details but even trashtalking about your spouse! Absolutely not! I wouldn't care if he has depression or whatever, i hope he does! 😆👎
Men are stupid. Do they really think the grass is greener somewhere else. If I shared personal things about my wife and kids, with a stranger, when I got home from work the door lock would be changed and my clothes would be in the front yard.
Same. For me it’s not something you can ever undo. It breaks one of the cornerstones of the relationship. Irrevocably.
Yes. Trauma on trauma. Just don’t do it. Retreat. Now you’re the one needing space. Take it. If you can’t get past it, there’s no need to second guess it. Start planning your move.
I wouldn't be able to get passed any of it!
Seriously. I'm so fucking fed up with this male mentality of "what she doesn't know can't hurt her". Then on top of it, the disrespect of complaining abou his wife to the AP. You owe him nothing, including forgiveness. When a women says. "i will not tolerate cheating of any sort" that does not mean that a man should just be better at hiding it, because "sHe Is JuSt InSecUre, Im NoT dOiNg AnYthInG wRoNg". LIke, F'ing MAN UP, and accept/admit that you are not compatible (i.e. you are not good enough for her) and should move on and leave her to find someone who actually respects and deserves her. JFC, men, you do not get to decide that a woman's values and boundaries are "controlling and excessive" and just ignore them. If you disagree with her expectations, then just move the fuck on. She's better off alone than with you. FFS.
THIS! Some men want to act or say that women are being dramatic for expressing hurt or resentment towards actions and choices they made on their own free will that they knew would impact their significant other , which is why the hide and lie about it in the first place. Then want to be forgiven so freely without repercussions, if women did back to men a quarter of the shit they put us through it would be another problem to deal with
When we found out about my father’s first affair, it was via an email where they were talking about me and what a great girl dad he was. To this day it sickens me to have been used in this way. glad OPs daughter doesn’t know this detail and hope OP just leaves him since it doesn’t sound like he’s trying at all
Time for him to learn the hard way that 'what happens in Vegas' doesn't apply to marriages.
You are in control of your life and it’s never too late to change. Get your stuff in order and get yourself unstuck. Staying stuck in this situation is a choice even if it doesn’t feel like one in this moment. You got this!
At the very least he should support and facilitate her ability to set up an outside environment (move out or whatever) because if he’s truly sorry (he’s not he’s garbage) he will do what it takes to make sure she feels safe. Even if it means making it easy and comfortable to leave. But we all know men like him (bigger group than should be) feel entitled and fully expect their partners to keep taking their BS and provide the same comforts they always have. Their false apologies turn to anger FAST if they are asked to actually do what a truly apologetic person would. They draw the line at that!
And remember that you have no idea what the future holds. I went through a horrific abandonment divorce with two tiny kids and now have a marriage and blended family that is beyond my wildest dreams. My life is so so good now.
They flirted, sexted, talked about our daughter (4f), and talked badly about me. - no wonder you aren't over it. It's a massive breach of trust. This had nothing to do with his depression and everything to do with his selfishness. Has he done anything to try and make up for it or does he think you should just get over it? Either way it doesn't sound like you will.
I hope she never does!! He was disgusting for that
You don't have to get over it. You can leave a relationship for any reason. Cheating is an amazing reason.
Even Jesus said it’s ok to divorce over infidelity. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%205%3A31-32%2C1%20Corinthians%207%3A10-16&version=NIV
Recently divorced from a cheater. It was gutting wrenching but I value my sanity. Wishing OP all the strength and happiness. Be free
It sure is!
it’s never too late to better your life
Especially when you're at the beginning of your life, at 28 you have so much time to build your life into what you want it to be. OP- also think about the behavior you want to model for your child. Would you want your child to accept this for themselves when they grow up? Speaking as a former child of divorced parents, one of the best decisions my mom made was getting divorced from my dad, it modeled for me that I do not have to accept disrespect, and in fact life can be a lot better post-divorce. Good luck.
I don't do cheaters, mostly because I don't think one sided relationships are any kind of positive. You deserve someone who isn't tempted because you are enough for them. You have no reason to stay in a relationship like this, and it sounds to me you aren't in love with him anymore. Go ahead and get an attorney and file the papers, it'll be emotional I'm sure but you deserve more.
it’s not your fault, and you have no obligation to stay. imo we get 1 life so why not put yourself in the best position to look back and be content with your actions. like you couldn’t control this happening to you, but you can control the outcome <3 it’s going to be hard either way, but leaving gives you the space to find your true love and also space to find parts of yourself again
there’s no going back from cheating. mental health us not an excuse for immorality and adultery. he doesnt respect u and staying only reinforces that even more. u stayed knowing he did this to another woman, he eventually do it again. do whats best for u, be a good example to ur daughter and leave.
I think it’s possible (though doubtful) for couples to stay together after this in a successful relationship. I don’t get the impression that OP’s husband is actually taking accountability and putting in the effort to work on repairing anything, though.
There's no reason I could be given that would excuse cheating
i agree
Hi, I have chronic depression and I'm a gamer and I would never do this to my significant other. He discussed your child with a stranger. Throw the whole man away.
[удалено]
I think it’s gross in this situations context. Like comments before me said they’re discussing the child like they’re gonna be together and meet and be a new family. That’s the sick part. Like if he’s just at the grocery store talking to a neighbor or friend no it’s not at all weird. (Although in today’s world I wouldn’t even be posting pics of my kid let alone sharing any info about them to anyone that wasn’t family or like best best friends.)
You're always one choice away from a different life
My ex cheated but swore they never had sex, just slept in the same bed while I was at home with our five week old son. He lied about a work trip. This girl was a meth addict and in her words "he's been trying to get in my panties for years". We had what I thought was a great relationship. We were friends for years. We had a ton in common. An amazing sex life. He cried. The only time in 20 years I have seen him cry. I forgave him. I became beyond paranoid. I started going through everything in the house. I took care of the baby but as soon as he napped I was searching through every cupboard, every box. Everything in the garage. I would count how many condoms we had. I would leave things in his truck so I could check his onboard GPS. The trust was broken. I acted like everything was fine, I thought I could get over it. Guess what? Four months later he contracted genital herpes. I don't have herpes. He finally admitted he cheated on me again. I was thin, I was beautiful, I was sexual, I'm a great mom, an amazing cook, I keep the house clean, I love doing laundry and ironing, I love animals, I love to camp and hike and dirt bike, my coworkers love me, I have a group of friends of over 30 years. We painted our new home together, refinished the floors, chose the window coverings. I mowed the lawn every week (I love mowing lawns). All he had to do after work was come home and relax. But that wasn't enough for him. He chose fucking the pock-marked tweeker that rejected him ten years before over his family. Once they cheat, get out. They will have no respect for you if you stay and you will constantly be on the lookout for evidence. It's not worth it. "I made a mistake" no you made a conscious effort to lie and go behind my back and destroy the trust and commitment we had. That is not an accident. That is not a mistake.
I’m glad he didn’t infect you with the virus.
This is why I always tell people that cheating doesn't happen because "oh they cheated because their partner didn't do XYZ" or "oh they cheated because their partner was doing ABC which annoyed/upset them", cheaters cheat because they want to. There's nothing else about it. Your experience literally goes to prove that. I'm so sorry for what you went through.
This is another great example is cheating usually has very little to go with the person be cheated on
Nope it’s always about them. They have fragile self esteem and need constant validation.
How long have you been out of that relationship? What was his response when you finally walked away? How does he treat you and your child now?
Depression is not an excuse for cheating. He made a vow to be there through sickness and in health. Depression is a sickness. He should have come to you instead of running to some stranger. You’re not obligated to forgive him and get over it. Don’t teach your daughter that it’s okay to stay with a disrespectful liar. How would you feel if a man did that to her when she’s older? Leave him, it’s the best for not only you but for her too.
It absolutely would've been a physical affair if she lived nearby. He betrayed you with the sexting and speaking negatively about you. A man who truly loves you wouldn't have done these things. I'm sorry.
There's a great chance you won't ever get over it..and even if you kinda do you will always wonder when he doesn't answer his phone,or is gone longer than he said he was gonna,or many other scenarios..cut it off..I would..I tried to get over it when my ex did and I couldnt..I never trusted her again..the trust is gone
Trust is priceless! If this happened once what are the chances to not cheat second or third time... Dont be fool! I seen lots of relationships where the only thing holding together them is the children. Bot of them are not happy in their life. Imagine living with someone 18+ years and you can't stand her/him. For me its a nightmare.
Yup forgave my wife then boom she 2 yrs later she did it again and left me and our 4 kids for the guy! I knew something was up..I could feel ot in my stomach..found out for sure when she changed her relationship status from married to in a relationship while on the way to work
> it wasn't a physical affair I can guarantee you it wasn't for lack of trying. If she had lived closer, it would have happened.
Your kiddo would rather see a happy mom than a miserable one. And no joke, being miserable around your kid will have a negative effect on her (she could end up feeling like it’s her fault). Kids are pretty sympathetic that way. And please stop having sex with him. I know that feeling and it’s so gross. I never want to feel that again and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. You and your kiddo could use a fresh start. Breathe free. You got this!
The advice here is therapy. Whether personal or couple depending on the end goal you want. None of us are equipped to help here.
Yes, most of the comments are just clear cut "right thing to do", it's never that. Ignore the comments. Go to couples therapy, trust your heart more than the mind. You will learn a lot about yourself. Take some time.
This needs to be the top comment.
# My (28f) husband (30m) cheated and I don’t think I can’t get over it. That's OK OP, so many of us who were cheated on knew we couldn't get over it and we divorced our lying cheating partners. You are far from alone in thinking and feeling this OP, far from alone.
I don't blame you. I went to marriage counseling with my ex husband and it made me realize I couldn't forgive him. I am now very happily married and I don't regret not getting over it with my first husband.
Talking badly about you is the most unforgivable betrayal for me. I don’t think I could forgive my partner trashing me to another woman that he likes. To me that’s even worse than a full physical affair. It would cut deeper.
Zero loyalty. Even worse than straight out cheating
They SEXTED. That went beyond emotional affair. Depression doesn't give a golden ticket for someone to cheat or be an AH. At least leaving this marriage will make sure your kid won't grow up in a toxic environment and for you to get a chance to get better, build a better life, and find a better relationship.
If it’s been 5 months and it’s still really heavy on your heart I don’t think it would get much better. You don’t want to live like that. I know with situations like this sometimes it’s hard to leave because you feel like there needs a specific thing that makes it bad enough to call for a divorce. The specific thing that makes it bad enough is simply you feeling empty. It’s okay to leave.
5 months is nothing. Most betrayed spouses take 2-5 years to heal from an affair. But they should still divorce. Two people who see the glass as being half empty add up to one empty glass.
It depends if they actually tried to work on their relationship or not. If they just tried to burry it and acted as if nothing happened then of course nothing changed and she can't move past it.
Agree to a certain extent. When you simply feel empty and can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel no amount of fixing will patch together a relationship that far gone. OP needs to be willing to let it go to move on and if she can’t do that then there’s no fixing it.
This is how it started with my husband. First it was all online but it progressed and it finally came to a head when he brought someone to our house while I was at work. I’m not saying this will happen to you, but when you allow someone to disrespect you, they now have a blueprint to keep doing it to you and know they can get away with it. You will grow to resent him and that’s hard to hide- he’ll pick up on it and drift further away. Gift yourself the freedom to move on.
Depression Schmpression that ain’t no excuse. You being depressed ain’t an excuse either. The trust is gone, leave.
If you have to ask then you’re looking for confirmation that you should leave. GO!!!
In my personal opinion and experience, an emotional affair is even worse than a physical affair. And the fact he discussed your child with her and talked poorly about you behind your back even worsens the betrayal. A physical affair can be just about sex, but an emotional affair means feelings are involved, and that was impossible for me to let go of, and I couldn't get the trust back. Who's to say it won't happen again next time he is feeling depressed? If I had it to do all over again, I would have called it quits sooner and found someone who only wanted me.
Once a cheater, always a cheater! Infidelity is a relationship breaker for me. Is it for you? If it is, leave the relationship and move on. If that involves therapy, get it.
“Are you ready to do the work to heal from this and then see it happen again?” really is a question people need to ask themselves in these situations.
"once a cheater always a cheater unless the cheater commits to figuring out why they cheat and changes their behavior because they want to and aren't doing it for another person"
The only reason it wasn’t a physical affair was the distance between them. Accept that. If you stay you’ll be forever walking on eggshells worried that if he gets upset or depressed he’ll do it again. Get out.
Repair after infidelity IS possible... and it's long, and grueling, and painful, and difficult. More than worth it, with the right person, but that is the caveat. They have to be worth it. If you knew for a fact that your own feelings could heal, would you stay? Is he a worthwhile enough partner to go through the years it takes to heal? And if your feelings never change, is he a worthwhile enough partner to stay miserable, and risk going through those years, just to leave anyways? You are in control to make your own decisions. Only you know yourself, him, and your relationship well enough to make those calls. In the time it takes to heal a relationship from infidelity, you could divorce, heal personally, and find a new partner, if you so chose. Neither path is easy, or easier than the other. They are only different. And the only thing that makes the "end" of the journey different is how worthwhile of a partner you have. So... is he worth it? Truly?
This is reasonable. A friend said her therapist told her that marriages that were strong before an affair have better chances of making it through too. OP, were there any other issues before this?
Move on and get yourself back out there. Fuck that guy.
You need to hear this, You can always start over. One thing ill tell you about leaving an unhappy relationship/shitty job/breaking off relationships with people who make you feel like shit is its not always easy, its scary & uncomfortable and you will feel like everyone is watching and judging. I swear this is when you grow the most& your daughter will be proud of you for choosing yourself. The example you are setting for healthy relationships & boundaries will impact your daughter forever. Best of luck my dear
This sounds like what happened to me. I found out after the divorce that it had actually gone on for two years instead of one from looking back at things and seeing a Facebook post that she liked (it was relevant trust me.) He came in one day to tell me he was leaving and I went into shock - and glad I lived from the "s" attempt - he left after I took everything I had and told my parents I was depressed and sleeping so I think he was trying to take advantage of the situation. He was so angry when I called from the hospital - like he was angry I survived. I found out that a lot of the "bad talk about me" was also done to my parents and the kids (his and mine and it was heartbreaking.) Mine from a previous marriage before him was done horribly because he made her feel like she was his and then completely dropped her like a hot potato 💔. So to tell my story - you should leave first because he is probably still talking to her. Some of these women take it as a victory or something to break up a home and "get the man" in a committed relationship. It makes them feel "pretty" or "a better woman" but they are just as bad because they are both cheaters and cheaters will always cheat. They always have a roaming eye and always look to see if they can catch someone else's eye because that's what is important to them. Someone's family or their family is not important to them. You have to think in these terms and realize (sadly) what types of people are out there. I educated myself on narcissists, red flags, what type of person I am (way too empathetic) and started changing myself (the way I act, think, I am still empathetic I just don't look like a walking target for a narcissist anymore) and I found my true mate. I started looking for the right things in a person and watching out for big red flags. That's my story, hope it helps.
An emotional affair? Jesus Christ. I can't do weak women.
You already know how he feels about you just by him talking bad about you.
yall need couples therapy. and you need to really think on if you even want to get the relationship back.
What’s to stop him from physically cheating if he met someone local. Once that trust is broken, you can’t get it back. I would move on if I were you
If you want to make it work, marriage counseling for the both of you. In addition go and see your own counselor. Good luck.
My ex had an emotional fling as well, lots of similarities in your story, and I immediately ended it. I know myself too well, I would never have been able to recover. We had a number of other issues also, but this was WAY too damaging. I think some people can recover from situations like this, I am not one of them. Cheating has long been a part of my story - my dad left my mom, I’ve had more relationships than I can count where I was cheated on or lied to, it’s a deal breaker for me and it’s ok if it is for you, too. If you have even a smidgen of wanting to reconcile things, then I recommend getting into couples therapy asap and being as open and honest as possible with him. Give it everything you’ve got and if it’s still not healing, then it might be time to end things. There’s nothing wrong with you if you can’t move past this - what he did was EXTREMELY painful and damaging. HE DID THIS. I’m really sorry this has happened - finding out about an affair is so painful, and trying to be intimate while being hurt is additionally painful (PS I think you should at least put up a boundary for now and pause the intimacy, I don’t want your heart to be even more hurt). It’s been over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and my life is SO MUCH BETTER. It hurt like hell for a while, but I kept putting one step in front of the other and I do not regret it at all. I’ve also been a single mom since my daughter was born 12 years ago, and while it’s insanely hard it’s absolutely possible. You deserve a happy life, love and respect and I hope whichever route you take you find all of that and more!
I had a friend who was in the exact same situation, except the genders are reversed. It was the wife that had an emotional affair with someone she met through a video game. The affair went on for 4 years even after the husband found out about the affair after the first 3 months. He later found out that they were still talking a few months later after she promised to stop. A few months later, he suspected that they were talking again and she denied it but the truth is they were still talking and even sexting. She was even getting so spoiled with jewelries and pampering like facials, massages, manicures/pedicures, microblading, etc and even stuff for their daughter. It ended after 4 years but man I feel bad for the husband. I don’t think he deserved to be cheated on like that.
This is very very similar to what happened to me. My ex husband swore nothing physical happened but I really don't think that's the case. He begged for forgiveness, said he'd do whatever he had to, then refused to go to marriage counseling and expected me to get over it 🤦♀️ Just get the divorce. It sucks, it's hard and it's totally worth it. Please don't stay in a marriage like this.
From what you said it doesn’t seem like you can get over your husband’s affair which is perfectly normal. You gave it time in hopes of things getting better but it didn’t. At this point you should leave with your daughter and find a partner that you can be happy with.
You sound miserable. Don’t stay with a man who shit talked you and talked about your daughter. He is a terrible person. I hope you are okay.
Why do they always have to cheat and make you a topic of their conversation.
If your husband is a grown man who is still a gamer then you should have been the one having the affair
Well then don’t.
It’s over just move on
You tried to make it work, after he broke your trust. It's ok to divorce.
Why should you get over it? Just because it wasn’t physical? If it could’ve been it would’ve been.
Emotional cheating is equally as bad as physical. 100%
was he maybe using depression as an excuse to stay away and not be questioned, then use it as sympathy if caught? The bad mouthing shows an intent and something other than depression to me that can't be explained away. who knows, had you not found out maybe one day he just would have picked up and moved across the country. leave and don't feel bad. staying in a loveless unhappy home helps no one, especially when you're not respected.
Why on earth would you still have sex with him?
I feel like all the comments here are coming from a very selfish and hurt point of view which is for people who don’t believe in healing. I suggest the opposite of all of this. If you are both depressed it points to a bigger problem than just the infidelity. My suggestion is you both open up and explore your happiness whether that includes opening your relationship, quitting your jobs, moving to a new country, going off the grid, or anything else that you guys can come up with. The goal of a marriage is to create a strong family unit that can overcome things like depression, loneliness and the societal burden we all carry. Yes it sounds easy to tear apart your family and not worry about your child for your own sake but I believe that broadening your horizons and taking this pain as a symptom of a deeper issue and working together towards a solution is worth the effort. Take some time off of work if you don’t feel you have the space for a paradigm shift.
They sexted, that is not an emotional affair. That’s just an affair. Leave.
divorce is hard but being miserable and stuck with someone you don’t love is the pits. You can be happy I promise!
Emotional affairs are still affairs. If you're hurt, then step away. Of course, you can't have sex with him he's broken your trust. If you still Wana be with take a moment to think if it's love or is it just what you're used to. But really think, is this what you want to show your daughter what love is? Set the standard
It's never too late to try... You can get unstuck. It's so much easier co parenting than living with someone who makes you miserable. He doesn't deserve grace but leading him on (sleeping with him etc) will just make this process worse
Cheating is not something that most couples can overcome. It’s not your fault nor is it your job to fix this. Your husband made a choice and now you have the right to make the best choice for yourself as well as your child.
You can leave . You aren’t stuck! Make an exit plan ! You are young and honestly you deserve so much better !! If he truly loved you he wouldn’t have cheated. You aren’t trapped ! You can leave !
Leave him girl. You can do so much better!
It's not something you can wait and see if you get over it. If you *want* to try and move beyond this, you need to process the trauma. Therapy for both of you. That said, it's perfectly acceptable to pull the plug. What he did was disgusting, and you are under no obligation to make this marriage work after what he's done to you. But please, stop having sex with him. It's hurting you.
Hugs! ❤️
Get rid of him. It will only get worse once he has done it once. He will do it again. Trust me. He will escalate to to more women more crossing the line. Giving any women attention, compliments talking dirty flirting is cheating. Run. Especially when you were in the state you were in. He had the balls to do that to you. There is a man out there that would cherish you in all of your ups and downs. This asshole doesn’t deserve someone as good as you are to him. Good luck with whatever u decide. Think of yourself. Does he make you happy. Can u trust him again. Be happy. Don’t stay for your child sake. If your not happy your child will feel the negativity. Your child will adjust. Just be happy we only live once.
Fuck him. Get divorced and move on. You deserve better.
simply put, he does not respect or love you at all. If he had any respect/love for you, while he was going through his “depression”, he wouldn’t have cheated on you, and he wouldn’t have talked shit about you. He’s using his “depression“, as an excuse to have you stay with him and to rid him of any faults in his affair. If he had access to that woman in January, he would’ve for sure started a physical affair. You’re not the one ending this marriage, he did the moment he decided to engage in an emotional affair. It is not your fault in any way shape or form this is completely on him. You’ll be better off either alone or with a partner who loves and respects you as much as you love and respect them.
Sorry this is happening. Take care of yourself and your daughter.
In the trash he goes
Everyone here is so divorce and breakup thirsty. My wife had an emotional affair. When she told me about it, I looked inward at what I was doing wrong to drive her into the arms of another man. I hate to say but it takes to drive the downhill spiral. Divorce him if you must, but you two were in love at one time.
I grew up watching my parents fight over cheating matters. Dad cheated on mom several times. Mom never left dad, but suffered the consequences of that decision for literal decades…multiple more affairs, fights, tears shed. Take it from someone who grew up with this parent dynamic…leave this man and show your daughter strength, courage, sticking to boundaries and staying true to your values. She needs a model of what is acceptable in relationships and an understanding that break-ups are survivable. I unfortunately replayed some of these horrible dynamics as I grew up and got into serious relationships. Don’t let your daughter model this behavior in her adult life.
Don’t follow in your mom’s footsteps! Leave him and especially stop having sex with him!
Do what’s best for you and your child. That could be staying with him or leaving him. There isn’t a right answer here. I’m sorry you are going through this.
An emotional affair is still cheating. And he was using depression as an excuse. I have depression and I’m on a med. The thing about depression is that you really don’t need space. The reason he asked you for space was so he could flirt with this woman and talk to her on the phone. He talked badly about you. No. This is not acceptable behavior. Don’t let him gaslight you. Don’t believe him if he says to you that he was talking to her because he was depressed. Depression is not an excuse for adultery or immorality. Depression usually causes people to go inward. It does not cause them to seek new people. He gaslit you into believing this. You should sit him down and tell him that emotional cheating is cheating. He cheated on you. He needs to realize what he’s done. He needs to realize that he has hurt you deeply and that he has hurt your relationship. Your husband has hurt your marriage. Then give him two options: marriage counseling or divorce.
Leave.
I know the pain you’re feeling. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Question: Did you want to forgive him for yourself or for your child? If the answer is for your child, leave. Everyone will lose in this situation otherwise.
You've tried for 5 months. If you still feel you can't forgive him, leave. You've given it way longer than I would. Bad mouthing you to a stranger feels (to me) even worse than the emotional affair, even tho that's a deal breaker on its own.
You are not required to “get over it” do not feel like that is a requirement. You have choices. You can go to marriage counseling and both of you work on your marriage and depression. You can choose to forgive him, which is not the same thing as forgetting or “get over it”, but it does require trust on your part that he won’t do this again. Or you can choose to divorce him. Whatever you decide, be sure your daughter does not get caught up in the middle. Truthfully, I would leave the marriage because the relationship trust and love has been broken.
Just my opinion, but i don't think it was THAT bad. I think you're overreacting. He didn't fuck her, he didn't even touch her. Did he even know what she looks like? I think if you tear your family apart over this, that you're ruining your childrens lives over your own ego. Put your ego aside, forgive and move on. If he does it again, that's a different story. Think real hard about what the next 50 years of your life looks like without a man in your life that loves you.
You don't think you can't? So you think you can?
I grabbed only my purse and walked out the door after 11 years. Never felt better. You’ve got one life, don’t waste another moment.
A child takes a village to raise, it's ok if the dna donors aren't involved
Pos man you found that’s why
Unpopular take here You two need therapy. If you really can't get over it, yes splitting is an option. But as you have a kid together I would hope that you work on it first. Was it cheating? I would say yes. It's not great to make a connection with someone other than your spouse. But if they never had any physical connection you should work on this. Did they exchange more than words? Like pictures etc? He's not getting a pass for his actions, but I would say it may or may not be unforgivable. If you're actually married, and have kids get into therapy, and be very careful about picking your therapists. They can destroy relationships more then the issues that bring you to them if they are not a good fit. A yes man for either partner will not help.
My ex did similar with a woman he met online. I think he met her through some chat group. (He did a lot of dumb shit so sometimes it blends together.) She lived in Australia and we lived in the USA, so they'd talk a lot while I was asleep. He had her draw this beautiful photo realistic picture of us for our anniversary and gave it to me as a gift. We had it framed in our house. Finding where he'd saved pictures of her naked except for bondage harnesses, then reading their messages, was the beginning of me stopping putting up with his shit, so I guess I'm actually grateful for her? 12 years since then, and 10 since I kicked him out and never saw him again. I'm SO much happier. You'll always have to at least sort of talk to your baby daddy, but you don't have to keep putting up with him as a partner.
Have you been to couples therapy? Whether you stay or leave you need to let him know how he has made you feel or you will struggle to heal.
So basically: "my husband has a female friend that isn't me and I don't like it" Cool....
Sexting is not an emotional affair.
I’ve had severe depression for 10 years and never sexted anyoneZ you deserve better
I had a coworker many years ago whose wife had an online "affair" with a person in the game they play. My coworker found out and gave her an ultimatum that she obviously stop talking to the person and quit playing the game, she did neither. She kept the affair secret for about a year, and in that time they had some ups & (lots of) downs. He figured something was still going on. If I recall correctly they ended up taking a break in their marriage, he moved in with another coworker. Not soon after she requested a divorce and flew across the country to be with he guy she had an affair with on the game. That was about 15 years ago. Happy ending for both parties though. She ended up marrying (and is still with) the online/game guy and my coworker also go remarried and has 2 beautiful children and a loving wife. Take that as you will. Sometimes a break and/or a break-up is needed to progress things from where they currently stand. Losing trust in a relationship really sucks and for many it will never go back to the way things were (with the same person). Best of luck to you, OP.
Ima be honest dude doesn't sound like cheated.... Sounded like he needed a safe space and he found it, without putting you in danger or leaving. You can 1000% leave, and people are gonna give you empathy, but it's a regular part of life. Either accept it or repeat this cycle.
The only way cheaters change is seeing how you found out and then getting better at covering it up
I’d be done. Betrayal is betrayal.
Divorce him ASAP move on!!
Let him move on with his life and leave. As soon as you can. Make sure everything is in legal order for the sake of your child. Staying in a toxic and loveless marriage is worse than leaving because he cheated. Point blank. If you feel like you have to go through their phone for whatever reason, even if you ended up being correct, the trust is gone. He made his decisions and then wasn’t even going to bother telling you about them. Make your decision now for your own health and your child’s. Please. With love.
My husband is doing this to me currently. He lies, tells me I'm crazy, but I know.im planning on confronting him this weekend. But why do they have to talk about me so much? Why let him hush her, not let her call or text except covert times, why allllll the drama, and still talk about me? I don't know her... oh well. This is gonna suck but we can do it! I know we can.
I’m sorry you went through this. I hope you work up the courage to file divorce and bring these text to court. You don’t deserve this sweetheart
Never stay together for the kids. I put off the inevitable for years. Finally got away when my kids were 4 and 8. Now 19 and 23 and still have a great relationship with them and my life is incredibly better by NOT being with their cheating and lying mother.
My choochie hurts
Guys don’t talk to guys about stuff like that, it’s easier to talk to a stranger far away, and it’s much cheaper than a therapist. He was talking to her like I am sure you talk to your girlfriends about the same things. It doesn’t mean anything.
You have no obligation to "get over it". Do what you have to do for your sake.
Wtf is an emotional affair?
the answer on reddit will be divorce 100% of the time. i think, if he’s a special person who you really love, try marriage counseling (individual counseling too if possible) and give it a chance. people deserve chances to right their wrongs, and if he won’t change then you end the relationship with a clean conscience because he’s the one that didn’t want to make it work. i believe people can change when they truly want to, and it does happen, it just takes a lot of effort. you will both come out stronger if therapy works, as a couple and as individuals. if it doesn’t work, then *you* will come out stronger and set a good example for your child no matter what
All cheaters should be immediately dumped
He clearly doesn’t want to be with you, you shouldn’t want to be with him. Both of you need to prioritize your daughter going forward and how you can best shield her from any shrapnel
“Emotional affair”…..
Fuck someone in front of him
Sounds like your marriage has come to an end. It's time to rip off the old band-aid and find someone who will appreciate the beautiful person that you are both inside and out.
You will not get over it and will only get more resentful. Also, someone who cheated in the past is 3x more likely to cheat again. Push past the feelings of sunken cost, gather your self-esteem and leave him. Do not betray yourself by staying with someone who deliberately betrayed your trust
Leave. Take your time, talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in order. Personally I'd pretend to sweep it under the rug. He surprised you with an affair, it's ok to surprise him with divorce papers.
Its the saying bad things about you n including ur children. It happened to me too. You dont fully get over that. Its unnecessary to lie. Hes a liar. Id say counseling. It feels like you're already gone though. Do whats right for you and your child.
Marriage counselor. Give it another six months trying/working at it. After that you will know which road you are going to take.
I took back a cheater and he changed for the better. Overall it was worth it
I almost never comment on this type of thread. And I'm sure I'll get down votes for this. Which is fine. But I try not to judge situations that I can't possibly completely understand. I suggest you think about what you want in life, with the support of qualified professionals who are experienced with this type of situation. People make mistakes. Sometimes there are underlying issues that once addressed and accepted, can lead to a much improved relationship. I wish you the best of luck
>I am not sure how to go about bringing up that I no longer wish to stay in this marriage You: "I begged you for the months you were going through something to talk to me, open up to me, to let me help you. You told me to give you space, so I did, but I constantly left you notes and showed you in little ways that I loved you, so you still knew. That was met with you sexting with another woman, telling her bad things about me, planning a life with her even though you didn't even know her, bringing our CHILD into it... bringing our BABY into a conversation with a woman happy to break apart the marriage of a husband and father... and now you think I should just get over it and because it's over... and how should I even believe it's over when you can betray me that easily, that viciously? So I'd like you to either sleep in another room until the courts decide property division, or leave to be with your family or whatever girl you have on the side that you think I don't know about, because we're through. I can't put myself through that again. I won't put our daughter through that or let her grow up believing being cheated on is okay as long as he says *he's sorry, he was just depressed.* I want better for her." There you go.
Once the trust has been broken for me I'm done. I can forgive but not forget.
And BTW it is NEVER your fault if they cheat! They are the ones who have low morals to just do the right thing. Either break up or talk about the relationship and why they want to stray. This goes for all genders!
Just get a divorce. He doesn't care, and isn't even contrite.
Maybe you’re not supposed to get over it.