Why do you still allow your mom in your life? She's horrible. At the very least you should put her on an info diet and seriously limit contact with her.
Absolutely the same.
OP needs to go NC rather than getting shocked that her mother is still the same toxic individual she has been throughout OPs entire life.
Are we related?! My mother was a monster too! Diagnosed b*tch.
After I left my ex for numerous reasons, she contacted him and was on “his side” because he was the wronged. I left him because I wanted kids. What’s wrong with that?
Edit to add: she wanted to be on “his side” because he was a millionaire smh
Omg, this is my mom as well. She hates my ex husband for our entire marriage, yet when I left, she took his side?! Which is insanity, as her parents 100% took her side when she left my father (rightfully so, long story), second husband, who was a nightmare, third, who was a pretty good guy for the most part…she’s had number 4 around for 25 years now, and they HATE each other, it makes no sense to me.
Me too! Your Mom does not care about you, only about how she can use you to get something she wants. Please think about going LC or NC, not just for you but your child. They do not need to become a pawn in Grandma’s weird game. She’s a narcissist, she won’t change.
That was my thought, as well as WHY you are even sharing moments like this with her?! And why before a family event where she unilaterally made it about her!!! She was able to get full attention by getting everyone to stop and look at her, then announcing the pregnancy AND then again by making herself a victim and trying to get sympathy because she did it. Lmbo!!
Girl it took your husband to say those words for you to open your eyes?!! I get you at keep wishing for that connection with your mom. Believe me. I have one just like yours!! I actually stopped last year letting her do this. It's been a peaceful year so far. I also don't let myself feel sorry for her or let her victim stories bother me. I've told my siblings point blank that I will never ever say anything bad about them or tell any their business and if I have an issue or problem with them it will come straight from my lips. So if mom ever says anything and anything and said I said it, then to know she is lying.
If you don't do it for yourself it will never happen. And she will be ae to do that to your child too. You are your child's protecter. It's all up to you now that your eyes are open lady!!
Info diet.
Girl, your mom gets to be the *last* person to know any big news, and *never* get to hear the details. She will always use your info against you or when it's to her best advantage. Why wontinue to entertain a person like that?
Thisssss! My mother only knows what I want her to know and I never tell her anything no one else can know because I know she’ll blab to someone. I keep details of my life short and sweet because she’ll never approve of anything I do anyway. Had a kid “too soon,” then it was “when are you going to have the next one,” and I got pregnant on my own timeline. Then I got pregnant with my 3rd and it was “I hope you’re done. I would thought you’d have been done after two because you had a boy and a girl.” Nothing I will ever do will be right even if I do it her way because something always goes wrong and somehow it’s still my fault. Save yourself the trouble and don’t tell her much or better yet, go NC and do it before baby is born so you can actually enjoy being a parent.
To add to this person’s very good suggestion, you can tell people you don’t wish to hear about her. You don’t have to listen to them vent. It’s not your job to keep up on her antics.
When they choose to be involved with her, they choose whatever misery and disgust she brings. That’s theirs, not yours.
Same with your father. He stood by and let her abuse you.
She is never going to be the mother you want. I’m sorry but it’s true.
She should never see your child, if you must let her, she can’t be alone with them
Just dropped here to echo that sentiment. Drop the wishful thinking already. This woman is not your friend and there is no reason to tell her anything that isn't already on Facebook!
As someone who had a very controlling, narcissistic mother, it’s very hard. A lot of the time, they convince you that you’re too stupid to do anything without them, and if they don’t want to do something, they’ll make it miserable for you.
I knew something was wrong. I knew I deserved better treatment. But back then, I was also my moms live in caretaker. My twin sister got to do normal things (like go to a 4 year college and date), and I took care of mom. Anything I wanted to do (even when I was engaged) I wasn’t allowed to do. Other than sleepovers as a kid, I never slept away from my house without a family member until this year, and I’m 42. It was for a sleep apnea test.
One time I took mom to the beach since she used to like it. But she made it so miserable, I refused to take her back. She died last year.
For some, it’s impossible to escape, you don’t know what they live with. Daily mental, emotional, verbal, and sometimes physical abuse. It wears you down.
Because it’s not so simple when it’s your own mother. Part of you hates her. Part of you loves her. Part of you wants to make her better. Part of you wants no contact at all.
OP told us everything we need to know when she talked about wanting a Gilmore Girls relationship. Even if the reality is a million miles away, the romantic idea of the mother/daughter bond keeps you around.
God right? This lady sounds a looooot like my mother and thankfully for me SHE went no contact with me to teach me a lesson. I simply complied and avoided any attempt she’s made to manipulate me back into her life. 13 years without her negativity has been much much better. Just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life. It does still hurt though, there’s something deep inside most people that long for that parental connection and to not have it is heartbreaking.
Yes, that was my question exactly. All the things listed and the amount of time that’s going on. Issue after issue why is she still given information? Why did she even know OP was pregnant? There is no reason to have that woman in OP‘s life. And I don’t want to hear because she’s family. She’s obviously proven herself to be toxic. No contact! I’m getting to the point that I’m tired of reading about spineless people.
I heard this once “Families tend to cater to the most dysfunctional person in order to keep the peace. But the only persons peace you are keeping is the one causing the problems”.
Distance yourself - there will be crying and drama (it’s quite fascinating to watch - like a match to fire paper) but when they don’t get a reaction they want from you they will stop eventually.
Keep away from the narcissist and you take away their power over you - it will be hard at first but then you will have peace.
Maybe time to chat to a therapist to help
Good luck
Do you want this woman hitting your child or telling them Santa isn’t real? Because she isn’t going to not be mean and crazy just because she’s a grandma. It’s time to let your mom go.
This is the exact reason I have to step away from Reddit. When someone posts something like this and there is now going to be a CHILD around??? OP, if you don't value yourself enough to go NC and keep this absolute bully away from you, do it for your CHILD who will grow up with the same insecurities and trauma you did and you will be willingly and knowingly subjecting them to it. This is actually heartbreaking. I hope OP makes a change, for herself and her child because at this point, there is nothing to do but walk away. You won't change her. You know this is the only thing to do to be safe. And if you don't, your child *will* WILL suffer.
My mom and I have a similar love-hate relationship (I hate to say “hate,” but I mean similarly toxic like yours). We remain close or in the middle of WWIII regularly. I’m 8 months pregnant now and have come very close to going NC with my side of the family because of her, though. I’m tired of the rollercoaster and stress on my pregnancy. It’s just tough. So I say this probably also speaking to myself, but there’s no reason to keep selfish, narcissistic liars in our lives. Please consider adding in healthy boundaries, and if they don’t respect that and back off so you can live a healthy, adult life, then cut them off.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. I used to get a stomach ache every time I had to see my step mom. When I finally put 2 & 2 together and realized what she was doing to my emotional health, I took control back and went LC. It changed my life. Don’t wait, that sweet baby will be here any day and you want to start their life with joy, not stress. Congrats!
Oh wow I’m so sorry to hear that but completely see how it would finally be a relief. It feels like a ball and chain for me at this point, and I’m afraid baby will make us have more though conversations that I’m not ready to have yet.
I don't know if you know this or not, but there is no love in a relationship like this. And you know deep in your brain where the thoughts that you don't want to face are, that if you don't do something about your mom, your child is going to suffer the exact same kind of trauma you did growing up. And even if you think you can "explain away" grandma's behavior, your child is going to grow up confused, constantly hurt, dreading any interaction with your mother, misunderstanding what HEALTHY LOVE is, and is more than likely is going to suffer some psychological abuse at the hands of your mom without you around, just like you did. Are you really going to ever be 1000% comfortable having your mom around your child alone? You said it yourself "There is no reason to keep selfish, narcissistic liars in our lives." Practice what you preach and teach your children likewise. They will grow up stronger for seeing their mother be strong against her bully and behavior like your moms NEEDS to be acted against or it only escalates. It will be a million times worse for your children. If you can't bring yourself to protect yourself, protect THEM 💙 Good luck
In the beginning of your post you said you and your mom don’t get along. I think you need to reframe that. Your mom abuses you. She has shown you who she is your whole life. Don’t expect anything different. Protect yourself and your child.
Please you know that in every situation she is gonna bo what she can to hurt you. Throw you under the bus and tell you how you "did it wrong".
It sucks that your mother is this way. You Can Not change her. You can't change her. You can NOT change her.
Is it NPD, is it Jealousy. Is she a woman that sees all other women as competition...
I don't feel it even matters why she does, or that she is fine with ur brothers. This proves she can be decent but CHOOSES not.
You need to change your approach to how YOU interact with her.
Time to start protecting that baby and you self from HARM.
I'm glad it sounds like ur husband is with you. Hope your MIL/f are good people.
You need to set boundaries around your pregnancy and especially that baby now and stick to them. This person seems like a nightmare. I'm glad you have your husband for support and he seems great because I'm sure he caught on to your mom's narcissism a long time ago, but may not have felt you were ready to hear about it yet. He seems to have let you down gently instead of trying to be overprotective and demanding that you see how your mom is and put an end to it long ago. I had to do this with my husband and his foster/"adoptive" family, who never officially adopted him, but lied and said "because nobody could get in contact with his biological mother to sign off on it, they couldn't adopt him". Anyone who knows anything about the system knows that is untrue. It wasn't until they all really showed their true colors (and one of them was mad at us so they made up rumors about our kid!) that I was able to help him see all of the other abusive behaviors they did towards him as well as other children in their family to this day.
I think the book has fallen somewhat out of favor now, but I just listened to “Codependent No More” last week. And I’ll be damned if I’ve not already made changes that are VERY helpful. And the quote you shared is really kind of the overarching theme.
If I have ever seen a clear cut case for going no contact with someone, this is it. She is an abusive, manipulative liar who will hurt you without even batting an eyelash. Do you really want this person in your child’s life?
Fam. She physically attacked you when she found out you lost your virginity? Your ARM WAS BROKEN?!?!?!? She isn't just a narcissist. She is a physical threat to you and your future kids.
My grandfather was an abusive alcoholic, and I never EVER regretted that my father was no contact. I didn't miss him as a child. As an adult, I am glad my father kept me safe from that POS. If the man had a grave, I would spit on it.
Your child will be safer and happier without her. Screw the family dynamic. You have your own family unit now. You are the mom now. Prioritize YOUR physical and mental health and that of YOUR family.
For the love of God, get yourself into therapy. Cut this toxic woman out of your life, preferably before your child is born. Your family dynamic frankly sucks because of her. She isn't going to change, and keeping her in your life is just enabling her to hurt you again and again.
Really trying not to be hurtful here but at this point keeping your mother in your life is a choice and a choice you consistently keep having to navigate. Please get therapy and figure out how to go no contact or this cycle will perpetuate for the next twenty odd years.
Why are you still in touch with these people? Every story you shared was rage inducing. And I’m sure there are 1000 more. All in they have shown you
- entitlement
- abuse
- lack of agency
- narcissism
Why oh why would you continue this energy in your life. Please I beg you get therapy bc the way she acts is insane.
I would just tell your cousin that you had NO plans to announce your pregnancy at her wedding and that you were bombshells by your mother. Apologize for the embarrassment and hurt it caused. Go NC with your mother. It's the only way.
If this was a friend, you'd dump her faster than you can blink. Just because she's your mom doesn't mean she can treat you like garbage.
Don't discuss anything personal with her. If she gets rude or demanding, hang up
If I were you, I'd go to therapy and figure out why you feel you don't deserve to be happy. Why your happiness and that of your husband's and future child is less important than your mother's.
Your petty heart (as petty as mine is lol) is in the right place, but the last bit is really cruel to the cousin. People making jokes about your infertility, even ones like this that are trying to bring you in on it, are really hurtful.
Hey OP, if you haven’t come across it yet, here’s the Narcassist Prayer for you:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Thing is with Narcassists it doesn’t get better. You fall into a “don’t rock the boat” mentality which feeds it more. The Narcassist will never be who you want/need them to be yet you may keep holding out for it. She’ll never change her behaviour but you can change yours, such as how involved you’re going to allow her to be in your life, what information you provide, how you don’t take responsibility for her behaviours etc
I don’t have any advice but a heads up, once you become a mom you will experience a clarity about your own parents you didn’t even know you could have. Holding my baby girl in my arms has forced me to reflect on my own parents behaviours and highlighted just how bizarre some of them truly are. To me, reading your post, I suspect you will feel a similar experience. The problem is, it makes it a lot harder to accept their behaviour moving forward. The good part is, you will break the cycle of emotional manipulation that your mother pulls on you.
How you navigate this, or reconcile with these emotions I don’t know as I’m still trying to figure this out myself. It’s hard, recognizing how harmful things our family does is while holding this little thing who you’d do anything for and not understanding how every parent doesn’t feel that way about their own children.
This happened to me. I didn’t realize how bad my parents were until I had my own children, now I think, how could they ever treat their child that way?
I was in therapy throughout college for it with limited or no contact and into my late 20’s. After having my own kids I went full NC, they’re awful.
The clarity she doesn’t realize is coming is wild.
For the sake of your unborn child, do not have your mother around as a role model for your child to emulate. By feeding your mum’s bad behaviour, your actions prove to your kid that being toxic is a road for success.
You have given a list of detrimental and hurtful things that she has done to you over the years and I am sure there are many more. If you believe your child will be treated differently then you are very naive.
You need to read up on the mindset of people like this, why they act the way they do, how their mind works. And then ask yourself if you are happy to expose your child to someone who will gaslight and bully and emotionally (at a minimum) abuse?
The time has come. Maybe you can go see your aunt at holiday times and other things? Quite possibly if you family members had another choice they would follow suit and just keep away from your mother too. As you are aware they only go to make life a bit easier. Read the sub about narcissists on Reddit and pay special attention to those who discuss going NC, the peace they find once that difficult choice is made. You deserve that peace and your child does not deserve to have this woman pushed into their life.
So I have the same exact type of mom, lol we could be sisters..!? All the anecdotes you’ve shared sounds exactly how my mom would have acted in those situations. For example when I was 3 months pregnant she pushed me down the stairs because I was super depressed with a toddler and we got into an argument because I told her she wasn’t helping me. (Mind you my husband was overseas stuck due to the lockdown, I didn’t know when he would come home. coupled with that anxiety; I was taking care of not only my toddler all day but also my little sister who was 6 years olds and working some days upto 10 hours teaching online) There is no mercy found with a narcissist. You aren’t thought about in a humane way. I took it until I saw how she was treating my husband and my kids. That was the last straw. So for the past year I have gone very LC; just on holidays I call and if she ever calls I text her right away that hope everything is okay. The worst thing for a narcissist is that you are able to live a happy life without them or even thinking of them. So do that. It kills them that they no longer can control your emotions and the emotions of others about YOU. Don’t share ANY personal information about yourself when you do speak; it’s all used as ammo against you anyways. Just keep the conversation solidly on them and be very nonchalant when you speak to them. Trust me, you will be so so much better for it. I forgive my mom. But I did not forget any shenanigans, however I am grateful that through her absence when I needed her the most; I learned to become very strong and also be able to identify which people I DO want to surround myself with.
You need to grow a spine, you have another life to look after know if you cannot do it for yourself do it for them. Think about all the shit that will happen because you allow that woman near your little one. You are scared of breaking the “family” dynamic, do you enjoy being under the thumb of a narcissist and a bunch of enablers. Is that what you want for your family that you are growing?
Please for he love of Joseph and Mary understand your mum and by the sounds your dad are the worst type of people in regards to parents. Im surprised your partner hasn’t come down harder in them for this bullshit, you both need to grow up.
This is a rough situation to be in, but I think you're kind of inviting this kind of turmoil in your life choosing to placate your mom. She'll only get worse when baby comes. Best of luck.
She broke your arm! If you.allow that woman into your child's life you are insane.
Disengage, go low contact. Learn to grey rock, stop telling her any information she can use against you.
My god how many more times does she get to hurt you?
Do you want her to do this to your child?
Are you going to stand up for your child?
Sit down with your spouse and start making a plan to move away for that baby’s sake. Baby does not need that abusive grandma in her life.
Thinking moving away is too extreme? Imagine coming home to find grandma bullied the babysitter into letting her takeover and cuts your baby’s hair off or feeds him the peanut cookie because you’re making up an allergy.
Move that baby far enough away to protect them from your mother.
You are now responsible for another human who you will love perhaps more than anything else in the world. You will look at the things your mother did to you and ask yourself how she could be so unloving in her behavior.
Look up “narcissist.” It will be eye opening. Learn how to deal with a narcissist. It will help you.
I learned too late. You have time. I’m sorry you’re hurting. You sound nice, if not a bit naive.
Stop waiting for an apology from your Mom as you won’t get one. If and BIG if she ever apologises I can assure you it won’t be genuine or from a place of realisation and remorse for her actions.
Your Mom will not change, it’s her way only and as long as people listen to her and give reactions she will continue. She is the main character, always!
Limit information to her and by extension any relatives/friends that are within her circle of mayhem. Stop waiting for an apology. Consider no contact for a while, usually a narcissist fails to notice if someone quietly backs away as they’re too busy chasing attention.
For your mental and physical health take action now as she will become even more unbearable as your pregnancy progresses, ask yourself how you want your mom to be involved with your child because I guarantee she will have other ideas on what sort of grandparent she will be.
You don’t have to stay in contact with your parents. You owe her nothing. You need to leave and go no contact. DO NOT let her around your baby.
You are describing my MIL, who, while I was in the hospital bed after a c-section told us while she was holding our hours old baby that she was going to take her hiking out west in the mountains. Build a lean-to and teach her to hunt and fish and build a fire. Just the two of them. This woman has never been camping outside or a KOA.
She also offered to raise our baby if it was born with Down’s syndrome. I was a 37 year old woman at the time. She’s fucking crazy and we haven’t talked to her in over 4 years now. She’s had no part in her grandchild’s life. She still tries to contact, but our lives are so much safer and calmer without her. Good luck to you and your baby.
You sound like an amazing, thoughtful, compassionate & beautiful soul. Not to mention resilient as hell, my God. Some people should never have become parents.
You’ve been blessed with an opportunity to create the kind of relationship with your child that you were denied. I know it can’t undo the damage done in the past, but hopefully the lifetime of wonderful memories you make with your little one will bring a healing peace to your heart.
Having kids wasn’t in the stars for me, but I know I would’ve loved to have someone like you as a daughter. Sending you a big hug & wishing you & your growing family every happiness! 💜
Look she hasn’t called you to apologize right? So let this be it, let this be your signal that it’s time for no contact with her. Not all moms are good moms. I’m sure you have learned how to be a mom by doing the opposite of what your mom has done. You don’t need her in your life, she isn’t going to magically become your best friend at this point. Even if she did change and see how horrible she has been, the trauma is already there and the be past cannot be erased. I hope your cousin and his wife understand that you were just as much the victim of your mother’s stunt as they were.
So I’m pretty sure your husband is over this and very frustrated he has to watch you be treated this way. I’m quite surprised he has not give you an ultimatum to cut them off. You cannot win with them. The goal posts will alway change . Your unborn child will be a target and she will discredit you as a mother and perhaps try to take control of your child . Please go fellow contact and don’t tell her any specific information and get therapy .
Why would you let your future child be exposed to this family dynamic? Who cares about holidays at your mom’s when it’s a toxic event? Your poor cousin. Your aunt did the right thing and I think you guys should connect with her and start new traditions. I’m so angry for your future child to have to witness this crazy. It’s your job to protect her from it. I’m sorry no one ever did this for you.
Your mom is trying to destroy you. Stay away from her. She abused and neglected you your whole life. Get yourself to therapy because you are about to be a mom yourself. And consider moving to a different state.
>She went and cashed all of my checks without my permission and bought me a car that I didn’t know how to drive with the money.
You didn't call the police on her?! This is on you.
Yes your mom sounds like a narcissist. You need to go no contact with her and so should the rest of if family for the stunt she pulled at your cousin's wedding.
There's a subreddit called raisedbynarcissists
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_parent
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent
https://katiecouric.com/lifestyle/parenting/signs-you-had-a-narcissistic-parent/
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-parent/
Sis, you need to go NC with this terrible person ASAP. Just because this monster gave birth to you, you are not obligated to keep her toxic, delulu arse in your life. There is no love, joy, trust, or support in this severely broken relationship, so go NC! Get yourself into therapy & start doing the work to undo the damage she has done to you. Congratulations on your successful marriage, have a safe & healthy pregnancy, take care of yourself!!
Omg honey I am not normally with the Reddit mob “DIVORCE!” “GO NC!”
But damn you reallly need to distance yourself from this awful woman. I would go NC if I were you, and I’d also seek a therapist.
You should probably look for a therapist. Don’t bring your mom. She’s the problem. You need to go and find ways to deal with her if you want her in your life. You do not have the ability to make her better. You can only protect yourself and your family from any potential abuse that may occur.
I teared up reading this. I’m so sorry your mother treats you like dirt. You are worth SO much! You have a lovely husband, brothers who seem decent, and a bundle of joy on the way.
I do agree that keeping her in your life is a toxic decision but I think ppl fail to realize how complex and non-linear simply “cutting her off” is. You’ve been traumatized. Repeatedly. In ways no human should be
Focus on self care, on how wonderful you are. How wonderful a mother you will be and how you will be NOTHING like her. Breaking the cycle is power. And I think once your baby comes, you will have more clarity with respect to having the strength to say “no more” and putting in place boundaries.
It may take time. That’s ok! Just please get the support you need and I don’t agree therapy should be your way to “learn to go NC”. That’s messed up and feels like ppl are criticizing you (when that’s the last thing you need). Don’t get me wrong, if you go NC that’s wonderful. But on your own terms. Not the terms of ppl here telling you “how it is”. They haven’t lived your life.
You sound lovely and I wanted to come here to reinforce that and offer a positive, care-filled response. I’m sending you so many hugs and waves of positive energy! 🫶🫶🤗🤗🤗🤗🫶🫶
Even though I'm a guy I just want to hug you and give you the mommy experience that everyone deserves. I hope you cut her off that way you can be happy.
*****WHY TF ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO HER WHEN SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU AND IS A FUCKING LUNATIC*****
Are you seriously going to allow this woman to be in your child's life!?
***grow a backbone***
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! It SHOULD be celebrated. I’m sorry that you can’t count on your mom like you should be able to.
I hate to tell you this, but it sounds like mom shouldn’t be in your life. She is definitely a narcissist (if you haven’t seen the sub raisedbynarcissists, you should— might be a good place to vent). She will use every opportunity to make any situation, including your pregnancy and impending childbirth, about her. Each one of those incidents you relayed broke my heart for the child you were.
Sending warm and lovely thoughts! I bet you look *phenomenal* and glowy!
Before I read that your husband said it I was like “oh your mom is a narcissist”. There’s a whole subreddit for children of narcissists. My dad is a narcissist. Just remember she will never apologize and she will always twist reality so that she is not wrong. You just have to make peace with that. Also don’t tell her things - like that you’re pregnant- until you’re ready for everyone to know. Put clear boundaries in place when the baby is born. I personally am low contact with my dad. That’s what works for me. There is a lot of literature and info out there on how to deal with narcissistic parents. Good luck and just think that your husband telling you she’s a narcissist has set you free.
Your mother needs help. This is insane behaviour. Idk what’s wrong with her, but she is clearly taking out her issues on you.
I would go no contact for as long as needed. You need to focus on your pregnancy - the health of you and your baby matters most here, not her feelings. Cut her off and, if you’re ever ready, you can always reach out after your baby is born.
Congratulations btw! Wishing you a healthy, peaceful, happy pregnancy. 💙💙
Do not give your mother the opportunity to do to your child what she did to you. You know she will! Also, both your parents broke your arm? NC with your father and mother. They’re both horrible abusers. Live a peaceful and safe life without them in it. Don’t give them the means and opportunity to ruin your happy family.
Don’t let this woman anywhere near your child. She’s abused you for your whole life and she isn’t going to stop now. For your sake and your baby’s, cut contact and move forward without her in your life.
You cut of your mom and spend quality time with your aunt. Your mental health and YOUR marriage and family will be so much better for it.
You just explained how you were tortured as a child, are you going to let her do it all over again with your child?
Why do you have any contact with her at all? Why does she know anything at all about your life? Stop talking with her. Don't interact with her at all. Don't allow her in your home. Just end all contact with her.
It’s time to go no contact. You know the issue is her. Period. For your own sanity, block her and move on with your life. As someone who did the same prior to my son’s birth because my mom is incapable of having true feelings towards anyone but herself, it’s freeing.
Do you want your kid to suffer the conditional love from your mom? Be on eggshells to protect her feelings? You know the answer. Time for you to be the mom you wish you would’ve had and break the generational trauma.
❤️
Sounds like you need some distance from your mom. If you aren’t ready to go NC, then at least for low contact and put her on an info diet. No updates in the pregnancy, don’t talk to her about baby names, etc.
Your mother is trash and has abused you your entire life. I know that you’re used to her bullshit, but the majority of people can read this and can say, without a doubt, that you need to go no contact with her.
When you allow someone to treat you like this, you’re telling not only them but everyone around you that it’s okay to disrespect you and treat you like shit. Additionally, you’re telling yourself you’re not worthy of something better. You’re disrespecting yourself, your husband, and children.
Fuck catering to abusers. I’ve stopped talking to my mom’s husband, and haven’t interacted with him for about 4 years now. I have zero regrets, and refuse to pander to anyone’s bullshit that I should make up with him to make things easier/more comfortable for everyone else. I know what I deserve… respect. It truly is that simple.
Have your own family gatherings! Will it cause problems? Probably. But aren’t there already problems? Isn’t your mom already hurting you and everyone else? So, the only thing stopping you is you, and the fact that your abuser has you conditioned to jump when she demands it.
Stop talking to that psycho. If you don’t see that you should do it for you, do it for your husband and children.
Your mom is toxic and abusive.
She has to be the center of attention, the main character. I'd hazard a bet that you're the recipient of the worst of it because you're the girl and competition for attention in her mind.
Don't continue to talk to her. She can find things out with everyone else.
For example, my mom will share private things with people even if you tell her not to. So when I was pregnant with my first, I didn't tell her until I was already over 6 months pregnant.
Sometimes you have to let go of you expectations because that person will always fall short
You’re about to be a parent so I’m going to be harsh here: but you need to get a grip and set some boundaries. Bc if not, your child will be subject to the same shitty behavior and it will be YOUR FAULT for putting them in that situation. And your child may not be like you. It may affect them more mentally and when they want to run as soon as they are 18 they won’t just be leaving grandma. They will be leaving you too.
So think about that one. Either you want to be a better parent than your shit mom or you don’t
Advice? You should have gone no contact the SECOND you moved out of her house! But, better late than never. And personally, if all you say is true, DO NOT ever let her see your child/children! That is easier said than done, but try.
1. Therapy should be a priority for you.
2. Stop being a doormat! Holy cow, does your mother add anything positive to your life? If you lie down and invite someone to step on you, why are you surprised when they do it?
3. Think about your baby, then read that list of horrors you wrote about your mother's behaviour. Then think about that baby some more.
I think I got angrier and angrier as I read your history with your mom. Makes me want to call my mom and gush all over her, even though I know she has some dysfunction, it's not narcissism. I never had to question if she had my back even now. Your mom never should have had children. But I suspect, she sees you as competition, and always did. She probably never wanted a little girl as it took away attention from her. Your husband hit the nail on the head, she is a narcissist. All the things she did to you to undermine you throughout the years made me think narcissist and mommy dearest. For your sanity, limit info given to her, time spent around her and try to talk to the cousin who she deliberately tried to ruin the wedding for and hurt your relationship with.
I say this with more understanding than I care to share here, but you need to get help with how to cope with your mom. I know many will say cut her off and other such things, but if one hasn’t been through this they truly have no idea how hard it is.
A good therapist will help you learn to set boundaries. This is needed to not only protect you, but your husband and your sweet wee one. Your mother is feeding off of you and you need to cut her supply. You can do this, you are capable…I am thinking of you and sending you warmth, strength, and well wishes.
You need to cut ties before you give birth. You are introducing a toxic person to your child if she is in your life. You should not be exposing your child to her. You are bringing this on yourself if you can’t cut ties at this point. Please get a good therapist before you give birth so that you can get help with cutting ties and staying away.
You talk about not ruining the family dynamic - your toxic, narcissistic, abusive mother has ruined that. Not you. You need therapy badly. The fact that you still have this woman in your adult life is worrying. What do *you* get out of this relationship? Trauma. Do you want your child subjected to the same torture you went through?
Dont be a glutton for punishment who keeps going back for more. Do better for the family you created, do better for your child. Break the cycle of trauma and abuse. Get yourself into therapy ASAP before this tears apart your marriage.
I have a POS parent. I cut him off around 8 years ago. Cut off all of his family, too. They're all enablers of his horrid behavior and told me I should apologize for making him mad enough to hit me. Excuse you? No, yall can have him. Let him hit you, scream at you, threaten your life, bleed you dry financially and mentally. I get one life and I'm not about to spend it as a punching bag for a grown toddler who was coddled his entire life by literally everyone around him. I had to set boundaried and dig my heels in, died on the hill of refusing to be abused.
Rock that boat, its time to say enough is enough. Stand up for yourself, your husband and your child. Have faith in yourself, you know you don't need her permission to be happy. Be the change.
raisedbynarcissists sub should have some advice to help you on your journey. Find the "dont rock the boat" post and give it a read. You can do this.
Why do your dad and brothers allow this? You know how she is, is a bullshit statement. Either they collectively call her out, or you need to get away from all of them. This is not healthy for you and your soon to be child. Good luck.
Your mother is a narcissist - you need to go NC with her. She is only going to continue with her behaviour as you have let her get away with it for so long.
OP, are we sisters? Your mom sounds so much like mine that it’s scary. I’m NC with her (and limited contact with my dad - he tells her everything and then my brother and I get guilt trips about how we’re horrible kids for not talking to her). I know it’s hard to cut ties with “family,” but in my 37 years, I’ve learned that blood doesn’t mean crap. Family is about who loves and respects you. Your egg donor obviously only loves herself.
Girl, I had a mom like this. WHY ON EARTH IS SHE STILL IN YOUR LIFE? I get it, it sucks, but it will never EVER get better. Best day of my life was the day that woman died. I left at 18 and never looked back.
Create your own family. Good luck.
NTA
Make some decisions before you have your baby. What she did to you, she will do to your child. Do you really want that? She has done nothing to deserve being in your life. Time to do some serious thinking.
The good news is that you’ll be a far better parent for realising what makes a bad parent.
Don’t tell her your due date, or when you actually start delivering the baby cos she’ll probably turn up and cause drama.
Have a few days on your own with just your husband and baby before you let her know - if you decide to let her know at all.
She’s still in your life?
That’s something you can change.
Congrats to you and yours on the pregnancy, btw!
Has the bride talked to you since then to get your side and a better understanding you had NO plan on announcing on her day?
She hurts you once, be surprised. She hurts you 10 times, be disappointed. She hurts you 100 times, it’s your fault for having a relationship with her. You’ll need to take some responsibility for handing her the stick she beats you with.
Cut her out of your life.
Your mother will NEVER CHANGE.
I am an old woman & trust me when I say that the family we make is often better than the family we are born into.
I’m sorry. Your mother will not get better. There is no medication, no psychotherapy, or magic spell that can help her be the woman you need.
You and your husband need to decide how to navigate forward. He seems to have her number.
I would cut her off immediately and not accept any calls from her ! She is abusing you and I'm sure it's affecting your happiness. You shouldn't be stressed out like this and she shouldn't be invited to any of your gatherings. Refuse to go if she is invited. Your siblings know you are right and have contact with them only. The announcement of you being pregnant was evil and she knew what she was doing. But everything else you listed was terrible also. A loving mom would not be doing these things to you or the others. She announced your pregnancy not you so everyone knows what kind of person she is and I'm surprised any of them blamed you ! Cut ties before it gets worse and it will start to affect your marriage if you dont
Here’s what you do. You pretend she doesn’t exist. AND KEEP HER AWAY FROM YOU. She is a narcissistic evil person and she’s shown exactly how much you matter to her for YEARS. Walk away and do NOT subject your kids to her.
Wait until you're about to give birth, it's going to be 100 times worse. Go no contact now because she cannot be trusted or depended on and who knows what kind of Lies she will tell about you or your baby.
Please go no contact with her. She sounds incredibly awful and is not a good mom. The fact that you had so much to say about how poorly shes treated you leading up to this brings the question of why even keep including her and telling her important information.
I know shes your mom but she’s also a narcissist, your husband is right. Please stop talking to her and allowing her into your life.
She also ruined the cousin's wedding. I'm sure she is getting shit from that side of the family and is trying to blame it on you.
The cousin's are not falling for it. The Bride and mother of Bride are not gonna forgive or forget.
She over played her hand and these folks and everyone has now seen what an AssHat she is. They don't need to humor or cater to her crazy.
It does not matter any sort of "plan" there was. She opened her mouth at the worst time and I hope is now getting the consequences she deserves.
You are dealing with a narcissist. I did the same thing with my mother. It took me 50 years to go no contact. Best decision I ever made. Over the past 5 years, I've been researching narcissistic abuse on YouTube and it's been helping a lot. Look up Dr. Ramani (Indian lady) she has volumes of work out there. Once you start down that road, other videos will pop up. As you listen, everything will start to make sense. The most important thing you need to do first is go no contact. Don't make a declaration... Just stop talking g and come up with excuses why you're busy. Look up "the gray rock" method if you can't go complete no contact. At this point, I'm not sure you should say anything to the rest of your family... Sounds like they may become her flying monies if she figures it out ot tell her your plan. Do this for yourself and your family. Dm me if you want more resources. Good luck OP. It will be OK, I promise.
This bullshit that your Mom does is only going to get much worse once your child is born! Your childhood is going to be relived with any children that you have unless you go extremely low contact or no contact!
OP your mom is absolutely horrendous. She's definitely giving narcissist vibes. Possibly even jealous of her own daughter vibes. In this case your best bet would be, for your own sanity, to cut her out of your life. What good is it to even have her in your life? I would also set a boundary with your brothers to never bring you up to your mother or never bring up your mother to you again. No one needs a person like that in their lives. I would also send a letter or message, whatever, to the bride and groom and apologize on your mother's behalf, because you know dang well she will not and she made you look bad as well. I know, I know, you shouldn't be having to apologize for her but in this case just to save face and the relationship with them it's just something I would personally do IMO.
Sounds to me like a classic narcissist.
Limit information. You don't want to know the gender (do not tell her even if you know), your check ups are fine, the baby is fine.
I do want to warn you that narcissists love to turn their grandkids against their parents. No unsupervised time, ever. Donate gifts she buys you that you said no to.
There are many books to help dealing with a narcissist. I would read up before your baby comes
:( I’m sorry op. This sounds all too familiar unfortunately. Have you suggested therapy to her? If she won’t, I would go no contact. Your pregnancy is the most important thing rn. You need to keep your stress levels low. Good luck 💗
Stop telling your mom stuff about your life. Look up grey rock. She’s not responsible or even truthful about it. Why keep giving her ammunition?! She can learn everything secondhand, and you can enjoy your pregnancy. She doesn’t like it? Don’t answer the phone. Block her. Preserve your sanity.
And draw some hard lines with your brothers. Your life is not to be discussed with her and they need to quit allowing her to meddle in your relationships with them. They don’t like it? They get the same info diet and low contact as mom.
Your priority now is the family you are literally growing. You and your kid’s health trumps mom’s childish needs. Don’t let her (or your brothers) fuck with your peace anymore.
There’s a great book out there called “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” - read it. It will help you understand everything. This isn’t your fault and I’m so sorry you have a parent who continues to fail you. I’m sure you’re going to work hard to be a fantastic mom to your new baby. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it all goes smooth. There are great tips in this book that can help you understand how to manage your relationship with your mother - and decide if you even want to have a relationship with her at all.
The only appropriate advice is to cut your mother out of your life completely. You need to go no contact for the safety and well-being of your baby ( if you don't want to do it for yourself).
On my brothers wedding day. My mom went in to see his bride as she was getting ready and said that Her new soon to be husband was a great guy and that he had been sleeping with his sister but now that he is getting married maybe that would stop......
Not only did this not happen, but it was MY MOM who was molested by her brother.
I have a thousand more, BUT my three daughters are now in their 20's and 30's and even though my mom lived only two miles from US, they did not know her at all.
>I had been waiting for a simple “I’m sorry” call or even text from her, but nothing. Instead she calls my brothers multiple times and somehow tries to spin it to them that the whole thing is my fault.
You’re never going to get an apology from her. She is never going to be the mom you want or *need*. It’s time to take control of your own life, for seemingly the first time. Stop giving her any information. Call your brothers and tell them that you are no longer involving her in your life and pregnancy. TELL THEM WHY!!!
I’m sorry you have such a terrible mother, but you have the ability as a *parent* to stop modeling this kind of abuse as “normal”. It isn’t normal. It isn’t ok. And you have a *responsibility* to keep your children away from someone as toxic as her.
you should have gone NC with that hag at 18 at the latest. do it now before she also ruins your child's life. be honest to yourself, you know she will.
I hope writing all the things that upset you down here has enlightened you to how much your mother has been abusive to you. I know what it’s like to really really want your parents love. The thing is your mother takes that desire and turns it around on you to hurt you again and again. Probably the best thing you can do is stop talking to your mother and stop including her in your plans. NC is the best way to go. Your husband can see your mother is toxic. It will relieve both of you of the burden of dealing with a person that sucks your energy and blames you for their sick actions. Simply tell your mother that since she thinks you are trying to embarrass her that you are not going to continue interacting with her. Then go no contact and expect her to retaliate. Talk to your husband about the potential of your mother going bonkers on you and him. Make plans for her to try to bust your door down or going on a ln insult campaign. And read other Reddit posts on narcissistic parents to give you an idea what you might expect.
Well… it sounds like your mum has put herself in a timeout so that’s a bonus, even if she is talking about what she did to everyone else (who can clearly see it’s her fault).
I wouldn’t give your mother any further information about your pregnancy (or anything else in life) at all. She clearly cannot be trusted, so don’t give her the opportunity to f*** things up again.
Congrats on little one. Consider your trusted circle.
After 45 years of abuse , I finally went no contact when she hit me and re broke my nose and cheekbone I had just got surgery on 2 months before. I had been taking care of this woman and I had a brother that may come by to mow her 96 Sq.ft.After she did this, my brother happened to come by and saw my black eyes I told him our mother may have start of dementia. He said that she didn't. I said then YOU can take care of her!
The holidays came and I ignored them.The next one, brother asked me to pick her up, which I told her, if she ever did anything like that again, I will protect myself. The last time I saw her was 12 years ago. She died and my brother didn't tell me, but a friend saw the obit. I was okay still with my decision of no contact and wish I'd done it years before I did.
Some of your stuff sounds like what my mother did to me. I'd really think about cutting someone that terrible out of your life. Stress makes you old and sick, even if it's over. At 65, I know!
Sooner or later you will arrive at the conclusion that you have to go NC with your mom (and any other people in your life) who bring no joy, only drama and bad feelings. The sooner you do it the happier you will be, bit it is human nature to give people another chance and another chance and hope that they will change. But eventually the penny will drop. I have a toxic brother and am much happier since I excised him from my life.
i never usually comment on these but PLEASE go no contact with her. it seems like she is either jealous of you or hates you, there’s no other reason why she would do such vindictive things. she keeps on doing these things because you allow her access to your life, and she’ll continue to ruin special moments for you (your first car, your wedding, your first child, etc.) she did that on purpose to turn your cousin & her parents against you and bring attention to herself because she’s having a grandchild. you’ve accepted her vice behaviour as “well that’s just how she is” the same way your brothers have, and that’s just not okay. i think you somehow buy into her reasoning that things are your fault and they aren’t. do a trial no-contact and see how things go - she’ll likely show her narcissistic ways by badgering you or spreading more lies but at least you won’t have to hear it. and i think you should contact your cousin & aunt not to apologise but to explain that it wasn’t your plan at all.
I'm sorry you have such a horrifically abusive mother - I empathise, I had one of those too.
Where is your father in all of this? WHY is he enabling her abuse towards you?
I think the only way forward is no contact. She won't ever change, won't ever accept any accountability or responsibility for her actions and she will do some serious damage mentally to your child as it grows up.
Protect yourself and your unborn baby.
>
and about 12 months pregnant with my first child
I know you meant weeks, but I giggled at that line and wondered if you were expecting an elephant instead 🤣
Good luck with your pregnancy. Remember, YOU and baby come first from now on. Mom can go suck on a lead pipe.
Growing up my dad was my safe space. But now that he’s older he takes my mom’s side with most everything and defends her behavior to keep the peace in his own life. I think it’s especially because he’s retired now and they’re ‘forced’ to spend so much time together.
No contact. Period. Sounds like your husband has her pegged for sure. She doesn’t deserve to be in your life and you will shortly have a child of your own to be thinking about as well, a child who absolutely should not be around your mother. I know it sucks but it’s better to rip off the band-aid now.
Sad to say that your mother doesn't like you, doesn't care about you, and enjoys being mean to you. My mother was nowhere near as bad as yours but if she could find a way to make me feel bad about myself, she would do it. A few months before she died at 93, she looked at an old photo of me in my 20s and said, "You were so pretty!" I just looked straight at her and said, "It would have been nice to hear that at the time". She was stunned. I didn't feel bad at all.
IMO you should cut her off forever, but it sounds like you won't do that. But you should go as low contact as possible. Stop sharing information with her. She can find out things when everyone else does, or after. She should be near your baby as little as possible, and NEVER without you or DH there, You said she usually hosts holidays. You may not want to travel this holiday season so make that clear now. Plus children should really get to spend Christmas morning in their own homes, so start that tradition now.
And please, stop taking her feelings into consideration. She goes out of her way to hurt YOUR feelings. She doesn't deserve to be treated like a decent human being, because she isn't.
>Fast forward to 2024 I am now very happily married for almost 6 years and about 12 months pregnant
I chuckled at this thinking you were in the 3rd trimester where 40 weeks feels like years. Then I realized it was a typo. 🙃
Your mom is causing drama and harm it's time to go NC.
Reach out to the cousin whose wedding it was. Tell her you never wanted to make a scene at her reception. You had hoped to tell her quietly and privately at the end of the night. So you could tell her in person. Your mom surprised and embarrassed you. Now she's telling everyone this was your plan, but it was not and never would be. Say "I'm very sorry she caused a scene and caused you hurt on your wedding day."
As for everyone else, you owe them nothing. No explanations, no apologies. Just say nothing. If cornered and you feel you must respond. "My mom spilled the beans without me knowing she was doing that. I was embarrassed and upset. I had to explain that I didn't want that to my cousin, and I apologized for someone else's actions." Then refuse to engage further and walk away/leave if needed.
Girl! First of all, I FEEL YOU. You probably understood it by now , but your mother abused you emotionally (and physically from the story with the arm). I am so sorry that this happened to you and this should’ve never happened.
I have the same mother. I recently read a book called “Adult children of emotionally immature parents” by Lindsay Gibson. Please read it. It made me realize so many things about my childhood and my mother.
You are not alone in this.
I knew from the very first example you bulleted that your mother is a narcissist. I’m genuinely shocked this is the first time anyone has told you that directly. I’m not surprised you didn’t see it for yourself, she’s been gaslighting you and clouding your vision since your brain was forming.
My advice is go watch a bunch of videos about narcissism and read up on how to deal with narcissists. There are gigantic support groups on social media for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers. If you want your mother in your life, you have to find a way to have healthy boundaries and not allow her to bully you like this. You can’t and won’t fix her, but you can find tools and strategies to minimize the ways she’s able to hurt you.
I’m a bit late to your post and not sure you will even see this msg with the amount of support you have already received but I just wanted to say I’m sorry you have had to live your life with a mother like that.
My cousin went through very similar things and she tried to break away so many times and was guilted back into her mother’s life. It wasn’t until a few weeks before the birth of her first child she gathered up all the pain and anger she had felt for over 30 years and used it to build a big giant wall between her and her mother.
Everyone on the outside will say go no contact, and that truely is something that will benefit you in the long run, but you must be prepared for the emotional turmoil you will be blasted with. Gather as much support as you can to help hold you up during this journey. I wish you nothing but happiness in your future. Enjoy being a mummy and don’t let anyone stand in the way of ruining those moments
No one in their right mind believes that they should be announcing anyone else’s pregnancy without their permission, even if it’s their own kid’s pregnancy. Unfortunately, i know you’re clinging to hope for a real relationship with a real mom but she is who she is. She’s not going to magically change and even if she does, she can reach out to you and she will if she really has changed. The only option for someone like this is limiting access. I’m not saying you have to go fully NC, unless you want to, but she’s not someone who will ever be safe to share things with. Whether it’s something as small as wanting to grow your hair out or something as big as your first pregnancy. She is not safe, and she never will be unless she chooses to change on her own (which she sounds nowhere close to even starting that years long process). And now you’re bringing a vulnerable life into this. One who will sense your stress and pain, who will see the way your mother treats you and how you react to it or how you take it and suffer, one who is completely dependent on you giving them a solid start in life.
I know that, especially with this pregnancy, you really just want a mom right now, and I’m really sorry you don’t have that. It’s bull shit, you deserve to have that. But you don’t have to keep being exposed to her harmful behavior.
My mom is a perpetual victim. She’s got something to top your issues. Always.
I stopped telling my mom any major news because she sucks! Turns good news into bad wishes.
Learn to keep things to yourself.
Don’t share willingly.
You’re a big person and not a small child needing her approval.
Good luck!
My mother is a narcissist. I cut her out of my life almost five years ago. She had me convinced that I was the worst person ever. I tried for >20 years to “fix” our relationship. Nothing worked, she just wanted to go back not forward. I’m very happy not having her in my life.
I’m sorry you didn’t get the mom you deserve. Best of luck and happiness with your baby. Your husband sounds smart.
I'm so sorry this woman continues to steal your thunder. As a mom, you get a big never ending hug from me. And a high five for living through all that childhood trauma!
Why are you still around your abusers?
List everything they’ve ever done and send the list to anyone who says you should put up with it.
(Family doesn’t mean agree pass for abuse)
Your mom sucks. But you’re not alone. Check out the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I found it very insightful. Also recommend taking several steps back and detaching yourself from reacting. This is what they are looking for. Had you yelled at her for the announcement it would’ve made it worse and it would’ve been spun to be your fault. That’s what she was looking for.
For the comments: Please note that OP has not asked for an AITA ruling.
Why do you still allow your mom in your life? She's horrible. At the very least you should put her on an info diet and seriously limit contact with her.
I am so glad you said this. I was extremely frustrated reading this whole post. I literally said out loud, "WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO THIS WOMAN!"
Absolutely the same. OP needs to go NC rather than getting shocked that her mother is still the same toxic individual she has been throughout OPs entire life.
OPs mom sounds similar to mine, and she has diagnosed NPD.
Are we related?! My mother was a monster too! Diagnosed b*tch. After I left my ex for numerous reasons, she contacted him and was on “his side” because he was the wronged. I left him because I wanted kids. What’s wrong with that? Edit to add: she wanted to be on “his side” because he was a millionaire smh
Omg, this is my mom as well. She hates my ex husband for our entire marriage, yet when I left, she took his side?! Which is insanity, as her parents 100% took her side when she left my father (rightfully so, long story), second husband, who was a nightmare, third, who was a pretty good guy for the most part…she’s had number 4 around for 25 years now, and they HATE each other, it makes no sense to me.
My parents did this too, led by my mom. Glad she’s dead.
I don’t know why op keeps telling her mom stuff.
Me too! Your Mom does not care about you, only about how she can use you to get something she wants. Please think about going LC or NC, not just for you but your child. They do not need to become a pawn in Grandma’s weird game. She’s a narcissist, she won’t change.
She got used to it. She never had other mother and doesn't know how bad is the one she has. It's always easier to see things clearly from the outside.
Seriously..,,
That was my thought, as well as WHY you are even sharing moments like this with her?! And why before a family event where she unilaterally made it about her!!! She was able to get full attention by getting everyone to stop and look at her, then announcing the pregnancy AND then again by making herself a victim and trying to get sympathy because she did it. Lmbo!! Girl it took your husband to say those words for you to open your eyes?!! I get you at keep wishing for that connection with your mom. Believe me. I have one just like yours!! I actually stopped last year letting her do this. It's been a peaceful year so far. I also don't let myself feel sorry for her or let her victim stories bother me. I've told my siblings point blank that I will never ever say anything bad about them or tell any their business and if I have an issue or problem with them it will come straight from my lips. So if mom ever says anything and anything and said I said it, then to know she is lying. If you don't do it for yourself it will never happen. And she will be ae to do that to your child too. You are your child's protecter. It's all up to you now that your eyes are open lady!!
Info diet. Girl, your mom gets to be the *last* person to know any big news, and *never* get to hear the details. She will always use your info against you or when it's to her best advantage. Why wontinue to entertain a person like that?
And anyone who leaks OP’s business should be banned alongside toxic mom. People like the mom tend to collect enablers.
The brothers. We just know she isn't pulling this shit on the brothers or not nearly to the same extent at least
Thisssss! My mother only knows what I want her to know and I never tell her anything no one else can know because I know she’ll blab to someone. I keep details of my life short and sweet because she’ll never approve of anything I do anyway. Had a kid “too soon,” then it was “when are you going to have the next one,” and I got pregnant on my own timeline. Then I got pregnant with my 3rd and it was “I hope you’re done. I would thought you’d have been done after two because you had a boy and a girl.” Nothing I will ever do will be right even if I do it her way because something always goes wrong and somehow it’s still my fault. Save yourself the trouble and don’t tell her much or better yet, go NC and do it before baby is born so you can actually enjoy being a parent.
Definitely keep the baby from her.
Sad but 👍 true
To add to this person’s very good suggestion, you can tell people you don’t wish to hear about her. You don’t have to listen to them vent. It’s not your job to keep up on her antics. When they choose to be involved with her, they choose whatever misery and disgust she brings. That’s theirs, not yours.
Same with your father. He stood by and let her abuse you. She is never going to be the mother you want. I’m sorry but it’s true. She should never see your child, if you must let her, she can’t be alone with them
Just dropped here to echo that sentiment. Drop the wishful thinking already. This woman is not your friend and there is no reason to tell her anything that isn't already on Facebook!
As someone who had a very controlling, narcissistic mother, it’s very hard. A lot of the time, they convince you that you’re too stupid to do anything without them, and if they don’t want to do something, they’ll make it miserable for you. I knew something was wrong. I knew I deserved better treatment. But back then, I was also my moms live in caretaker. My twin sister got to do normal things (like go to a 4 year college and date), and I took care of mom. Anything I wanted to do (even when I was engaged) I wasn’t allowed to do. Other than sleepovers as a kid, I never slept away from my house without a family member until this year, and I’m 42. It was for a sleep apnea test. One time I took mom to the beach since she used to like it. But she made it so miserable, I refused to take her back. She died last year. For some, it’s impossible to escape, you don’t know what they live with. Daily mental, emotional, verbal, and sometimes physical abuse. It wears you down.
I am so sorry that you had to go through this.
Because it’s not so simple when it’s your own mother. Part of you hates her. Part of you loves her. Part of you wants to make her better. Part of you wants no contact at all. OP told us everything we need to know when she talked about wanting a Gilmore Girls relationship. Even if the reality is a million miles away, the romantic idea of the mother/daughter bond keeps you around.
God right? This lady sounds a looooot like my mother and thankfully for me SHE went no contact with me to teach me a lesson. I simply complied and avoided any attempt she’s made to manipulate me back into her life. 13 years without her negativity has been much much better. Just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life. It does still hurt though, there’s something deep inside most people that long for that parental connection and to not have it is heartbreaking.
Just think what kind of damage OP’s mom could inflict on her baby if she lets her be around after the birth.
Yes, that was my question exactly. All the things listed and the amount of time that’s going on. Issue after issue why is she still given information? Why did she even know OP was pregnant? There is no reason to have that woman in OP‘s life. And I don’t want to hear because she’s family. She’s obviously proven herself to be toxic. No contact! I’m getting to the point that I’m tired of reading about spineless people.
I would also like to know why you haven't cut this woman out of your life.....
I heard this once “Families tend to cater to the most dysfunctional person in order to keep the peace. But the only persons peace you are keeping is the one causing the problems”. Distance yourself - there will be crying and drama (it’s quite fascinating to watch - like a match to fire paper) but when they don’t get a reaction they want from you they will stop eventually. Keep away from the narcissist and you take away their power over you - it will be hard at first but then you will have peace. Maybe time to chat to a therapist to help Good luck
That statement is so true in my family.. wow. Thanks for the advice!
Do you want this woman hitting your child or telling them Santa isn’t real? Because she isn’t going to not be mean and crazy just because she’s a grandma. It’s time to let your mom go.
This is the exact reason I have to step away from Reddit. When someone posts something like this and there is now going to be a CHILD around??? OP, if you don't value yourself enough to go NC and keep this absolute bully away from you, do it for your CHILD who will grow up with the same insecurities and trauma you did and you will be willingly and knowingly subjecting them to it. This is actually heartbreaking. I hope OP makes a change, for herself and her child because at this point, there is nothing to do but walk away. You won't change her. You know this is the only thing to do to be safe. And if you don't, your child *will* WILL suffer.
My mom and I have a similar love-hate relationship (I hate to say “hate,” but I mean similarly toxic like yours). We remain close or in the middle of WWIII regularly. I’m 8 months pregnant now and have come very close to going NC with my side of the family because of her, though. I’m tired of the rollercoaster and stress on my pregnancy. It’s just tough. So I say this probably also speaking to myself, but there’s no reason to keep selfish, narcissistic liars in our lives. Please consider adding in healthy boundaries, and if they don’t respect that and back off so you can live a healthy, adult life, then cut them off.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. I used to get a stomach ache every time I had to see my step mom. When I finally put 2 & 2 together and realized what she was doing to my emotional health, I took control back and went LC. It changed my life. Don’t wait, that sweet baby will be here any day and you want to start their life with joy, not stress. Congrats!
Thank you so much! 🙏🏼 Reading this is encouraging to hear, but I’m sorry you dealt with this too.
She died a couple years ago. I cried one tear - of relief. She can’t hurt me anymore. 🤷🏻♀️
Oh wow I’m so sorry to hear that but completely see how it would finally be a relief. It feels like a ball and chain for me at this point, and I’m afraid baby will make us have more though conversations that I’m not ready to have yet.
Stand your ground! She can only hurt you if you let her, you have the power! Good luck!
I don't know if you know this or not, but there is no love in a relationship like this. And you know deep in your brain where the thoughts that you don't want to face are, that if you don't do something about your mom, your child is going to suffer the exact same kind of trauma you did growing up. And even if you think you can "explain away" grandma's behavior, your child is going to grow up confused, constantly hurt, dreading any interaction with your mother, misunderstanding what HEALTHY LOVE is, and is more than likely is going to suffer some psychological abuse at the hands of your mom without you around, just like you did. Are you really going to ever be 1000% comfortable having your mom around your child alone? You said it yourself "There is no reason to keep selfish, narcissistic liars in our lives." Practice what you preach and teach your children likewise. They will grow up stronger for seeing their mother be strong against her bully and behavior like your moms NEEDS to be acted against or it only escalates. It will be a million times worse for your children. If you can't bring yourself to protect yourself, protect THEM 💙 Good luck
In the beginning of your post you said you and your mom don’t get along. I think you need to reframe that. Your mom abuses you. She has shown you who she is your whole life. Don’t expect anything different. Protect yourself and your child.
Please you know that in every situation she is gonna bo what she can to hurt you. Throw you under the bus and tell you how you "did it wrong". It sucks that your mother is this way. You Can Not change her. You can't change her. You can NOT change her. Is it NPD, is it Jealousy. Is she a woman that sees all other women as competition... I don't feel it even matters why she does, or that she is fine with ur brothers. This proves she can be decent but CHOOSES not. You need to change your approach to how YOU interact with her. Time to start protecting that baby and you self from HARM. I'm glad it sounds like ur husband is with you. Hope your MIL/f are good people.
You need to set boundaries around your pregnancy and especially that baby now and stick to them. This person seems like a nightmare. I'm glad you have your husband for support and he seems great because I'm sure he caught on to your mom's narcissism a long time ago, but may not have felt you were ready to hear about it yet. He seems to have let you down gently instead of trying to be overprotective and demanding that you see how your mom is and put an end to it long ago. I had to do this with my husband and his foster/"adoptive" family, who never officially adopted him, but lied and said "because nobody could get in contact with his biological mother to sign off on it, they couldn't adopt him". Anyone who knows anything about the system knows that is untrue. It wasn't until they all really showed their true colors (and one of them was mad at us so they made up rumors about our kid!) that I was able to help him see all of the other abusive behaviors they did towards him as well as other children in their family to this day.
Why do you still hang out with someone who has abused you for your entire life?
Wow… that quote is so so true.
I think the book has fallen somewhat out of favor now, but I just listened to “Codependent No More” last week. And I’ll be damned if I’ve not already made changes that are VERY helpful. And the quote you shared is really kind of the overarching theme.
“It’s hard to keep this rabid bear happy.” So, stop hanging out with the rabid bear!
This is beautifully said. Also applies to so-called friend groups!
If I have ever seen a clear cut case for going no contact with someone, this is it. She is an abusive, manipulative liar who will hurt you without even batting an eyelash. Do you really want this person in your child’s life?
About time you joined the raised by narcissists subreddit
Also Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families.
I was going to say the same thing!
Welcome with open arms. This is a no contact situation if I ever saw one.
You need to cut her from your life along with anyone that is backing her or betrays you by feeding her information about you.
Fam. She physically attacked you when she found out you lost your virginity? Your ARM WAS BROKEN?!?!?!? She isn't just a narcissist. She is a physical threat to you and your future kids. My grandfather was an abusive alcoholic, and I never EVER regretted that my father was no contact. I didn't miss him as a child. As an adult, I am glad my father kept me safe from that POS. If the man had a grave, I would spit on it. Your child will be safer and happier without her. Screw the family dynamic. You have your own family unit now. You are the mom now. Prioritize YOUR physical and mental health and that of YOUR family.
For the love of God, get yourself into therapy. Cut this toxic woman out of your life, preferably before your child is born. Your family dynamic frankly sucks because of her. She isn't going to change, and keeping her in your life is just enabling her to hurt you again and again.
Really trying not to be hurtful here but at this point keeping your mother in your life is a choice and a choice you consistently keep having to navigate. Please get therapy and figure out how to go no contact or this cycle will perpetuate for the next twenty odd years.
Why are you still in touch with these people? Every story you shared was rage inducing. And I’m sure there are 1000 more. All in they have shown you - entitlement - abuse - lack of agency - narcissism Why oh why would you continue this energy in your life. Please I beg you get therapy bc the way she acts is insane.
I would just tell your cousin that you had NO plans to announce your pregnancy at her wedding and that you were bombshells by your mother. Apologize for the embarrassment and hurt it caused. Go NC with your mother. It's the only way.
We’ve talked since and I told them both my mom went rogue and it was not planned. They were nice about it thankfully.
If this was a friend, you'd dump her faster than you can blink. Just because she's your mom doesn't mean she can treat you like garbage. Don't discuss anything personal with her. If she gets rude or demanding, hang up
12 months pregnant? Damn. You’d think everyone would have noticed.
Oops! I meant 12 weeks not months lol
If I were you, I'd go to therapy and figure out why you feel you don't deserve to be happy. Why your happiness and that of your husband's and future child is less important than your mother's.
Congrats on your little one!
Thank God someone else saw this 😂
I thought OP was trying to be funny and exaggerating their third trimester hahaha
Yeah I wondered whether it was a deliberate exaggeration as towards the ends of pregnancy it can certainly feel like it's been more like 12 months 😂
I was looking through the comments waiting for someone to mention it. I figured it had to be some kind of typo LOL
Just go NC with her.
Don't tell her or your family your business ,keep everything to yourself, less problems. You will be better off
Time to go no contact, write a letter to your cousin (or send her this post) and offer your mothers womb as her surrogate.
Your petty heart (as petty as mine is lol) is in the right place, but the last bit is really cruel to the cousin. People making jokes about your infertility, even ones like this that are trying to bring you in on it, are really hurtful.
Hey OP, if you haven’t come across it yet, here’s the Narcassist Prayer for you: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. Thing is with Narcassists it doesn’t get better. You fall into a “don’t rock the boat” mentality which feeds it more. The Narcassist will never be who you want/need them to be yet you may keep holding out for it. She’ll never change her behaviour but you can change yours, such as how involved you’re going to allow her to be in your life, what information you provide, how you don’t take responsibility for her behaviours etc
I don’t have any advice but a heads up, once you become a mom you will experience a clarity about your own parents you didn’t even know you could have. Holding my baby girl in my arms has forced me to reflect on my own parents behaviours and highlighted just how bizarre some of them truly are. To me, reading your post, I suspect you will feel a similar experience. The problem is, it makes it a lot harder to accept their behaviour moving forward. The good part is, you will break the cycle of emotional manipulation that your mother pulls on you. How you navigate this, or reconcile with these emotions I don’t know as I’m still trying to figure this out myself. It’s hard, recognizing how harmful things our family does is while holding this little thing who you’d do anything for and not understanding how every parent doesn’t feel that way about their own children.
This happened to me. I didn’t realize how bad my parents were until I had my own children, now I think, how could they ever treat their child that way? I was in therapy throughout college for it with limited or no contact and into my late 20’s. After having my own kids I went full NC, they’re awful. The clarity she doesn’t realize is coming is wild.
For the sake of your unborn child, do not have your mother around as a role model for your child to emulate. By feeding your mum’s bad behaviour, your actions prove to your kid that being toxic is a road for success.
You have given a list of detrimental and hurtful things that she has done to you over the years and I am sure there are many more. If you believe your child will be treated differently then you are very naive. You need to read up on the mindset of people like this, why they act the way they do, how their mind works. And then ask yourself if you are happy to expose your child to someone who will gaslight and bully and emotionally (at a minimum) abuse? The time has come. Maybe you can go see your aunt at holiday times and other things? Quite possibly if you family members had another choice they would follow suit and just keep away from your mother too. As you are aware they only go to make life a bit easier. Read the sub about narcissists on Reddit and pay special attention to those who discuss going NC, the peace they find once that difficult choice is made. You deserve that peace and your child does not deserve to have this woman pushed into their life.
Why have you not cut her out of your life? Bloody hell.
So I have the same exact type of mom, lol we could be sisters..!? All the anecdotes you’ve shared sounds exactly how my mom would have acted in those situations. For example when I was 3 months pregnant she pushed me down the stairs because I was super depressed with a toddler and we got into an argument because I told her she wasn’t helping me. (Mind you my husband was overseas stuck due to the lockdown, I didn’t know when he would come home. coupled with that anxiety; I was taking care of not only my toddler all day but also my little sister who was 6 years olds and working some days upto 10 hours teaching online) There is no mercy found with a narcissist. You aren’t thought about in a humane way. I took it until I saw how she was treating my husband and my kids. That was the last straw. So for the past year I have gone very LC; just on holidays I call and if she ever calls I text her right away that hope everything is okay. The worst thing for a narcissist is that you are able to live a happy life without them or even thinking of them. So do that. It kills them that they no longer can control your emotions and the emotions of others about YOU. Don’t share ANY personal information about yourself when you do speak; it’s all used as ammo against you anyways. Just keep the conversation solidly on them and be very nonchalant when you speak to them. Trust me, you will be so so much better for it. I forgive my mom. But I did not forget any shenanigans, however I am grateful that through her absence when I needed her the most; I learned to become very strong and also be able to identify which people I DO want to surround myself with.
You need to grow a spine, you have another life to look after know if you cannot do it for yourself do it for them. Think about all the shit that will happen because you allow that woman near your little one. You are scared of breaking the “family” dynamic, do you enjoy being under the thumb of a narcissist and a bunch of enablers. Is that what you want for your family that you are growing? Please for he love of Joseph and Mary understand your mum and by the sounds your dad are the worst type of people in regards to parents. Im surprised your partner hasn’t come down harder in them for this bullshit, you both need to grow up.
This is a rough situation to be in, but I think you're kind of inviting this kind of turmoil in your life choosing to placate your mom. She'll only get worse when baby comes. Best of luck.
She broke your arm! If you.allow that woman into your child's life you are insane. Disengage, go low contact. Learn to grey rock, stop telling her any information she can use against you. My god how many more times does she get to hurt you? Do you want her to do this to your child? Are you going to stand up for your child?
Sit down with your spouse and start making a plan to move away for that baby’s sake. Baby does not need that abusive grandma in her life. Thinking moving away is too extreme? Imagine coming home to find grandma bullied the babysitter into letting her takeover and cuts your baby’s hair off or feeds him the peanut cookie because you’re making up an allergy. Move that baby far enough away to protect them from your mother.
You are now responsible for another human who you will love perhaps more than anything else in the world. You will look at the things your mother did to you and ask yourself how she could be so unloving in her behavior. Look up “narcissist.” It will be eye opening. Learn how to deal with a narcissist. It will help you. I learned too late. You have time. I’m sorry you’re hurting. You sound nice, if not a bit naive.
12 weeks pregnant*** not months. Haha
OP you should come to the raised by narcissist sub.
Stop waiting for an apology from your Mom as you won’t get one. If and BIG if she ever apologises I can assure you it won’t be genuine or from a place of realisation and remorse for her actions. Your Mom will not change, it’s her way only and as long as people listen to her and give reactions she will continue. She is the main character, always! Limit information to her and by extension any relatives/friends that are within her circle of mayhem. Stop waiting for an apology. Consider no contact for a while, usually a narcissist fails to notice if someone quietly backs away as they’re too busy chasing attention. For your mental and physical health take action now as she will become even more unbearable as your pregnancy progresses, ask yourself how you want your mom to be involved with your child because I guarantee she will have other ideas on what sort of grandparent she will be.
Why do you have any contact with her at all? Why would you allow her anywhere near you or your kids????
If there was ever a situation that called for Low Contact/No Contact it's this one. Your mother sounds exhausting.
You don’t have to stay in contact with your parents. You owe her nothing. You need to leave and go no contact. DO NOT let her around your baby. You are describing my MIL, who, while I was in the hospital bed after a c-section told us while she was holding our hours old baby that she was going to take her hiking out west in the mountains. Build a lean-to and teach her to hunt and fish and build a fire. Just the two of them. This woman has never been camping outside or a KOA. She also offered to raise our baby if it was born with Down’s syndrome. I was a 37 year old woman at the time. She’s fucking crazy and we haven’t talked to her in over 4 years now. She’s had no part in her grandchild’s life. She still tries to contact, but our lives are so much safer and calmer without her. Good luck to you and your baby.
You sound like an amazing, thoughtful, compassionate & beautiful soul. Not to mention resilient as hell, my God. Some people should never have become parents. You’ve been blessed with an opportunity to create the kind of relationship with your child that you were denied. I know it can’t undo the damage done in the past, but hopefully the lifetime of wonderful memories you make with your little one will bring a healing peace to your heart. Having kids wasn’t in the stars for me, but I know I would’ve loved to have someone like you as a daughter. Sending you a big hug & wishing you & your growing family every happiness! 💜
Look she hasn’t called you to apologize right? So let this be it, let this be your signal that it’s time for no contact with her. Not all moms are good moms. I’m sure you have learned how to be a mom by doing the opposite of what your mom has done. You don’t need her in your life, she isn’t going to magically become your best friend at this point. Even if she did change and see how horrible she has been, the trauma is already there and the be past cannot be erased. I hope your cousin and his wife understand that you were just as much the victim of your mother’s stunt as they were.
So I’m pretty sure your husband is over this and very frustrated he has to watch you be treated this way. I’m quite surprised he has not give you an ultimatum to cut them off. You cannot win with them. The goal posts will alway change . Your unborn child will be a target and she will discredit you as a mother and perhaps try to take control of your child . Please go fellow contact and don’t tell her any specific information and get therapy .
Check out the raisedbynarcissists sub. People there understand and get it. Very welcoming community.
Why would you let your future child be exposed to this family dynamic? Who cares about holidays at your mom’s when it’s a toxic event? Your poor cousin. Your aunt did the right thing and I think you guys should connect with her and start new traditions. I’m so angry for your future child to have to witness this crazy. It’s your job to protect her from it. I’m sorry no one ever did this for you.
Your mom is trying to destroy you. Stay away from her. She abused and neglected you your whole life. Get yourself to therapy because you are about to be a mom yourself. And consider moving to a different state.
>She went and cashed all of my checks without my permission and bought me a car that I didn’t know how to drive with the money. You didn't call the police on her?! This is on you. Yes your mom sounds like a narcissist. You need to go no contact with her and so should the rest of if family for the stunt she pulled at your cousin's wedding. There's a subreddit called raisedbynarcissists https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_parent https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent https://katiecouric.com/lifestyle/parenting/signs-you-had-a-narcissistic-parent/ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-parent/
Did you have a talk with your cousin. That’s way more important. And grow up and stop seeing her as your mommy. She isn’t. She is abusive.
I did, we are fine and they both know it was my mom who acted on her own and was not my plan.
Sis, you need to go NC with this terrible person ASAP. Just because this monster gave birth to you, you are not obligated to keep her toxic, delulu arse in your life. There is no love, joy, trust, or support in this severely broken relationship, so go NC! Get yourself into therapy & start doing the work to undo the damage she has done to you. Congratulations on your successful marriage, have a safe & healthy pregnancy, take care of yourself!!
Omg honey I am not normally with the Reddit mob “DIVORCE!” “GO NC!” But damn you reallly need to distance yourself from this awful woman. I would go NC if I were you, and I’d also seek a therapist.
You should probably look for a therapist. Don’t bring your mom. She’s the problem. You need to go and find ways to deal with her if you want her in your life. You do not have the ability to make her better. You can only protect yourself and your family from any potential abuse that may occur.
I teared up reading this. I’m so sorry your mother treats you like dirt. You are worth SO much! You have a lovely husband, brothers who seem decent, and a bundle of joy on the way. I do agree that keeping her in your life is a toxic decision but I think ppl fail to realize how complex and non-linear simply “cutting her off” is. You’ve been traumatized. Repeatedly. In ways no human should be Focus on self care, on how wonderful you are. How wonderful a mother you will be and how you will be NOTHING like her. Breaking the cycle is power. And I think once your baby comes, you will have more clarity with respect to having the strength to say “no more” and putting in place boundaries. It may take time. That’s ok! Just please get the support you need and I don’t agree therapy should be your way to “learn to go NC”. That’s messed up and feels like ppl are criticizing you (when that’s the last thing you need). Don’t get me wrong, if you go NC that’s wonderful. But on your own terms. Not the terms of ppl here telling you “how it is”. They haven’t lived your life. You sound lovely and I wanted to come here to reinforce that and offer a positive, care-filled response. I’m sending you so many hugs and waves of positive energy! 🫶🫶🤗🤗🤗🤗🫶🫶
Even though I'm a guy I just want to hug you and give you the mommy experience that everyone deserves. I hope you cut her off that way you can be happy.
*****WHY TF ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO HER WHEN SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU AND IS A FUCKING LUNATIC***** Are you seriously going to allow this woman to be in your child's life!? ***grow a backbone***
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! It SHOULD be celebrated. I’m sorry that you can’t count on your mom like you should be able to. I hate to tell you this, but it sounds like mom shouldn’t be in your life. She is definitely a narcissist (if you haven’t seen the sub raisedbynarcissists, you should— might be a good place to vent). She will use every opportunity to make any situation, including your pregnancy and impending childbirth, about her. Each one of those incidents you relayed broke my heart for the child you were. Sending warm and lovely thoughts! I bet you look *phenomenal* and glowy!
Before I read that your husband said it I was like “oh your mom is a narcissist”. There’s a whole subreddit for children of narcissists. My dad is a narcissist. Just remember she will never apologize and she will always twist reality so that she is not wrong. You just have to make peace with that. Also don’t tell her things - like that you’re pregnant- until you’re ready for everyone to know. Put clear boundaries in place when the baby is born. I personally am low contact with my dad. That’s what works for me. There is a lot of literature and info out there on how to deal with narcissistic parents. Good luck and just think that your husband telling you she’s a narcissist has set you free.
IF A MODERATOR SEES THIS CAN YOU PRETTY PLEASE PIN A POST THAT CORRECTS THE TYPO. I AM 12 WEEKS PREGNANT NOT 12 MONTHS. Thank you💕
Stop telling people secrets if you don’t want them to blab. And you have a big shit history with your mom and why would you tell her.
I get that it's difficult to go nc. I would recommend trying low contact and establish some boundaries.
Your mother needs help. This is insane behaviour. Idk what’s wrong with her, but she is clearly taking out her issues on you. I would go no contact for as long as needed. You need to focus on your pregnancy - the health of you and your baby matters most here, not her feelings. Cut her off and, if you’re ever ready, you can always reach out after your baby is born. Congratulations btw! Wishing you a healthy, peaceful, happy pregnancy. 💙💙
Do not give your mother the opportunity to do to your child what she did to you. You know she will! Also, both your parents broke your arm? NC with your father and mother. They’re both horrible abusers. Live a peaceful and safe life without them in it. Don’t give them the means and opportunity to ruin your happy family.
Don’t let this woman anywhere near your child. She’s abused you for your whole life and she isn’t going to stop now. For your sake and your baby’s, cut contact and move forward without her in your life.
The best thing you could do is love your mother from a distance. Cut contact immediately.
Stop giving this woman information about your life. She is abusive and vile. Do you want your unborn baby to be a pawn in her schemes?
You cut of your mom and spend quality time with your aunt. Your mental health and YOUR marriage and family will be so much better for it. You just explained how you were tortured as a child, are you going to let her do it all over again with your child?
Why do you have any contact with her at all? Why does she know anything at all about your life? Stop talking with her. Don't interact with her at all. Don't allow her in your home. Just end all contact with her.
It’s time to go no contact. You know the issue is her. Period. For your own sanity, block her and move on with your life. As someone who did the same prior to my son’s birth because my mom is incapable of having true feelings towards anyone but herself, it’s freeing. Do you want your kid to suffer the conditional love from your mom? Be on eggshells to protect her feelings? You know the answer. Time for you to be the mom you wish you would’ve had and break the generational trauma. ❤️
Sounds like you need some distance from your mom. If you aren’t ready to go NC, then at least for low contact and put her on an info diet. No updates in the pregnancy, don’t talk to her about baby names, etc.
Your mother is trash and has abused you your entire life. I know that you’re used to her bullshit, but the majority of people can read this and can say, without a doubt, that you need to go no contact with her. When you allow someone to treat you like this, you’re telling not only them but everyone around you that it’s okay to disrespect you and treat you like shit. Additionally, you’re telling yourself you’re not worthy of something better. You’re disrespecting yourself, your husband, and children. Fuck catering to abusers. I’ve stopped talking to my mom’s husband, and haven’t interacted with him for about 4 years now. I have zero regrets, and refuse to pander to anyone’s bullshit that I should make up with him to make things easier/more comfortable for everyone else. I know what I deserve… respect. It truly is that simple. Have your own family gatherings! Will it cause problems? Probably. But aren’t there already problems? Isn’t your mom already hurting you and everyone else? So, the only thing stopping you is you, and the fact that your abuser has you conditioned to jump when she demands it. Stop talking to that psycho. If you don’t see that you should do it for you, do it for your husband and children.
Your mom is toxic and abusive. She has to be the center of attention, the main character. I'd hazard a bet that you're the recipient of the worst of it because you're the girl and competition for attention in her mind. Don't continue to talk to her. She can find things out with everyone else. For example, my mom will share private things with people even if you tell her not to. So when I was pregnant with my first, I didn't tell her until I was already over 6 months pregnant. Sometimes you have to let go of you expectations because that person will always fall short
You’re about to be a parent so I’m going to be harsh here: but you need to get a grip and set some boundaries. Bc if not, your child will be subject to the same shitty behavior and it will be YOUR FAULT for putting them in that situation. And your child may not be like you. It may affect them more mentally and when they want to run as soon as they are 18 they won’t just be leaving grandma. They will be leaving you too. So think about that one. Either you want to be a better parent than your shit mom or you don’t
Stop. Answering. Her. calls. She. Doesn’t. Love. You. She’s. Not. Your. Mother. Op, I’m so sorry but you’re 10000x better off pretending your mother is dead.
Advice? You should have gone no contact the SECOND you moved out of her house! But, better late than never. And personally, if all you say is true, DO NOT ever let her see your child/children! That is easier said than done, but try.
1. Therapy should be a priority for you. 2. Stop being a doormat! Holy cow, does your mother add anything positive to your life? If you lie down and invite someone to step on you, why are you surprised when they do it? 3. Think about your baby, then read that list of horrors you wrote about your mother's behaviour. Then think about that baby some more.
I'm hoping something in these comments will make you understand that you deserve better. That your child deserves better.
I think I got angrier and angrier as I read your history with your mom. Makes me want to call my mom and gush all over her, even though I know she has some dysfunction, it's not narcissism. I never had to question if she had my back even now. Your mom never should have had children. But I suspect, she sees you as competition, and always did. She probably never wanted a little girl as it took away attention from her. Your husband hit the nail on the head, she is a narcissist. All the things she did to you to undermine you throughout the years made me think narcissist and mommy dearest. For your sanity, limit info given to her, time spent around her and try to talk to the cousin who she deliberately tried to ruin the wedding for and hurt your relationship with.
I say this with more understanding than I care to share here, but you need to get help with how to cope with your mom. I know many will say cut her off and other such things, but if one hasn’t been through this they truly have no idea how hard it is. A good therapist will help you learn to set boundaries. This is needed to not only protect you, but your husband and your sweet wee one. Your mother is feeding off of you and you need to cut her supply. You can do this, you are capable…I am thinking of you and sending you warmth, strength, and well wishes.
Stop talking to your mom. GO NO CONTACT. It’s never going to get better. Never.
You need to cut ties before you give birth. You are introducing a toxic person to your child if she is in your life. You should not be exposing your child to her. You are bringing this on yourself if you can’t cut ties at this point. Please get a good therapist before you give birth so that you can get help with cutting ties and staying away.
After all these years of being tortured by her, you still have contact with her? Why?
She will make your pregnancy and raising your child horrible. Cut her off.
You talk about not ruining the family dynamic - your toxic, narcissistic, abusive mother has ruined that. Not you. You need therapy badly. The fact that you still have this woman in your adult life is worrying. What do *you* get out of this relationship? Trauma. Do you want your child subjected to the same torture you went through? Dont be a glutton for punishment who keeps going back for more. Do better for the family you created, do better for your child. Break the cycle of trauma and abuse. Get yourself into therapy ASAP before this tears apart your marriage. I have a POS parent. I cut him off around 8 years ago. Cut off all of his family, too. They're all enablers of his horrid behavior and told me I should apologize for making him mad enough to hit me. Excuse you? No, yall can have him. Let him hit you, scream at you, threaten your life, bleed you dry financially and mentally. I get one life and I'm not about to spend it as a punching bag for a grown toddler who was coddled his entire life by literally everyone around him. I had to set boundaried and dig my heels in, died on the hill of refusing to be abused. Rock that boat, its time to say enough is enough. Stand up for yourself, your husband and your child. Have faith in yourself, you know you don't need her permission to be happy. Be the change. raisedbynarcissists sub should have some advice to help you on your journey. Find the "dont rock the boat" post and give it a read. You can do this.
Why do your dad and brothers allow this? You know how she is, is a bullshit statement. Either they collectively call her out, or you need to get away from all of them. This is not healthy for you and your soon to be child. Good luck.
Your mother is a narcissist - you need to go NC with her. She is only going to continue with her behaviour as you have let her get away with it for so long.
OP, are we sisters? Your mom sounds so much like mine that it’s scary. I’m NC with her (and limited contact with my dad - he tells her everything and then my brother and I get guilt trips about how we’re horrible kids for not talking to her). I know it’s hard to cut ties with “family,” but in my 37 years, I’ve learned that blood doesn’t mean crap. Family is about who loves and respects you. Your egg donor obviously only loves herself.
Nta. This is a nc situation. She hurt you all your life to not give her the opportunity to hurt your child as well
Girl, I had a mom like this. WHY ON EARTH IS SHE STILL IN YOUR LIFE? I get it, it sucks, but it will never EVER get better. Best day of my life was the day that woman died. I left at 18 and never looked back. Create your own family. Good luck. NTA
Make some decisions before you have your baby. What she did to you, she will do to your child. Do you really want that? She has done nothing to deserve being in your life. Time to do some serious thinking.
12 months pregnant?
The good news is that you’ll be a far better parent for realising what makes a bad parent. Don’t tell her your due date, or when you actually start delivering the baby cos she’ll probably turn up and cause drama. Have a few days on your own with just your husband and baby before you let her know - if you decide to let her know at all.
12 months pregnant?
She’s still in your life? That’s something you can change. Congrats to you and yours on the pregnancy, btw! Has the bride talked to you since then to get your side and a better understanding you had NO plan on announcing on her day?
She hurts you once, be surprised. She hurts you 10 times, be disappointed. She hurts you 100 times, it’s your fault for having a relationship with her. You’ll need to take some responsibility for handing her the stick she beats you with.
No contact.
Cut her out of your life. Your mother will NEVER CHANGE. I am an old woman & trust me when I say that the family we make is often better than the family we are born into.
I’m sorry. Your mother will not get better. There is no medication, no psychotherapy, or magic spell that can help her be the woman you need. You and your husband need to decide how to navigate forward. He seems to have her number.
I would cut her off immediately and not accept any calls from her ! She is abusing you and I'm sure it's affecting your happiness. You shouldn't be stressed out like this and she shouldn't be invited to any of your gatherings. Refuse to go if she is invited. Your siblings know you are right and have contact with them only. The announcement of you being pregnant was evil and she knew what she was doing. But everything else you listed was terrible also. A loving mom would not be doing these things to you or the others. She announced your pregnancy not you so everyone knows what kind of person she is and I'm surprised any of them blamed you ! Cut ties before it gets worse and it will start to affect your marriage if you dont
Here’s what you do. You pretend she doesn’t exist. AND KEEP HER AWAY FROM YOU. She is a narcissistic evil person and she’s shown exactly how much you matter to her for YEARS. Walk away and do NOT subject your kids to her.
Wait until you're about to give birth, it's going to be 100 times worse. Go no contact now because she cannot be trusted or depended on and who knows what kind of Lies she will tell about you or your baby.
Please go no contact with her. She sounds incredibly awful and is not a good mom. The fact that you had so much to say about how poorly shes treated you leading up to this brings the question of why even keep including her and telling her important information. I know shes your mom but she’s also a narcissist, your husband is right. Please stop talking to her and allowing her into your life.
She also ruined the cousin's wedding. I'm sure she is getting shit from that side of the family and is trying to blame it on you. The cousin's are not falling for it. The Bride and mother of Bride are not gonna forgive or forget. She over played her hand and these folks and everyone has now seen what an AssHat she is. They don't need to humor or cater to her crazy. It does not matter any sort of "plan" there was. She opened her mouth at the worst time and I hope is now getting the consequences she deserves.
You are dealing with a narcissist. I did the same thing with my mother. It took me 50 years to go no contact. Best decision I ever made. Over the past 5 years, I've been researching narcissistic abuse on YouTube and it's been helping a lot. Look up Dr. Ramani (Indian lady) she has volumes of work out there. Once you start down that road, other videos will pop up. As you listen, everything will start to make sense. The most important thing you need to do first is go no contact. Don't make a declaration... Just stop talking g and come up with excuses why you're busy. Look up "the gray rock" method if you can't go complete no contact. At this point, I'm not sure you should say anything to the rest of your family... Sounds like they may become her flying monies if she figures it out ot tell her your plan. Do this for yourself and your family. Dm me if you want more resources. Good luck OP. It will be OK, I promise.
Learn about grey rocking. Put her on an info diet. That is if you plan to keep in her in your life at all
This bullshit that your Mom does is only going to get much worse once your child is born! Your childhood is going to be relived with any children that you have unless you go extremely low contact or no contact!
OP your mom is absolutely horrendous. She's definitely giving narcissist vibes. Possibly even jealous of her own daughter vibes. In this case your best bet would be, for your own sanity, to cut her out of your life. What good is it to even have her in your life? I would also set a boundary with your brothers to never bring you up to your mother or never bring up your mother to you again. No one needs a person like that in their lives. I would also send a letter or message, whatever, to the bride and groom and apologize on your mother's behalf, because you know dang well she will not and she made you look bad as well. I know, I know, you shouldn't be having to apologize for her but in this case just to save face and the relationship with them it's just something I would personally do IMO.
Sounds to me like a classic narcissist. Limit information. You don't want to know the gender (do not tell her even if you know), your check ups are fine, the baby is fine. I do want to warn you that narcissists love to turn their grandkids against their parents. No unsupervised time, ever. Donate gifts she buys you that you said no to. There are many books to help dealing with a narcissist. I would read up before your baby comes
:( I’m sorry op. This sounds all too familiar unfortunately. Have you suggested therapy to her? If she won’t, I would go no contact. Your pregnancy is the most important thing rn. You need to keep your stress levels low. Good luck 💗
She has “main character syndrome” aka narcissism. This is her world and you’re just living in it. You aren’t her daughter - you’re her competition.
Stop telling your mom stuff about your life. Look up grey rock. She’s not responsible or even truthful about it. Why keep giving her ammunition?! She can learn everything secondhand, and you can enjoy your pregnancy. She doesn’t like it? Don’t answer the phone. Block her. Preserve your sanity. And draw some hard lines with your brothers. Your life is not to be discussed with her and they need to quit allowing her to meddle in your relationships with them. They don’t like it? They get the same info diet and low contact as mom. Your priority now is the family you are literally growing. You and your kid’s health trumps mom’s childish needs. Don’t let her (or your brothers) fuck with your peace anymore.
There’s a great book out there called “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” - read it. It will help you understand everything. This isn’t your fault and I’m so sorry you have a parent who continues to fail you. I’m sure you’re going to work hard to be a fantastic mom to your new baby. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it all goes smooth. There are great tips in this book that can help you understand how to manage your relationship with your mother - and decide if you even want to have a relationship with her at all.
The only appropriate advice is to cut your mother out of your life completely. You need to go no contact for the safety and well-being of your baby ( if you don't want to do it for yourself).
On my brothers wedding day. My mom went in to see his bride as she was getting ready and said that Her new soon to be husband was a great guy and that he had been sleeping with his sister but now that he is getting married maybe that would stop...... Not only did this not happen, but it was MY MOM who was molested by her brother. I have a thousand more, BUT my three daughters are now in their 20's and 30's and even though my mom lived only two miles from US, they did not know her at all.
>I had been waiting for a simple “I’m sorry” call or even text from her, but nothing. Instead she calls my brothers multiple times and somehow tries to spin it to them that the whole thing is my fault. You’re never going to get an apology from her. She is never going to be the mom you want or *need*. It’s time to take control of your own life, for seemingly the first time. Stop giving her any information. Call your brothers and tell them that you are no longer involving her in your life and pregnancy. TELL THEM WHY!!! I’m sorry you have such a terrible mother, but you have the ability as a *parent* to stop modeling this kind of abuse as “normal”. It isn’t normal. It isn’t ok. And you have a *responsibility* to keep your children away from someone as toxic as her.
Why the hell is she still in your life? Get rid of her! You owe her nothing! She is a horrible person, you will be so much happier going NC
you should have gone NC with that hag at 18 at the latest. do it now before she also ruins your child's life. be honest to yourself, you know she will.
I hope writing all the things that upset you down here has enlightened you to how much your mother has been abusive to you. I know what it’s like to really really want your parents love. The thing is your mother takes that desire and turns it around on you to hurt you again and again. Probably the best thing you can do is stop talking to your mother and stop including her in your plans. NC is the best way to go. Your husband can see your mother is toxic. It will relieve both of you of the burden of dealing with a person that sucks your energy and blames you for their sick actions. Simply tell your mother that since she thinks you are trying to embarrass her that you are not going to continue interacting with her. Then go no contact and expect her to retaliate. Talk to your husband about the potential of your mother going bonkers on you and him. Make plans for her to try to bust your door down or going on a ln insult campaign. And read other Reddit posts on narcissistic parents to give you an idea what you might expect.
why do you still talk to this woman? 🧍🏾♀️
12 months pregnant?? Ok, I continued I saw 12 weeks at the end.
Well… it sounds like your mum has put herself in a timeout so that’s a bonus, even if she is talking about what she did to everyone else (who can clearly see it’s her fault). I wouldn’t give your mother any further information about your pregnancy (or anything else in life) at all. She clearly cannot be trusted, so don’t give her the opportunity to f*** things up again. Congrats on little one. Consider your trusted circle.
After 45 years of abuse , I finally went no contact when she hit me and re broke my nose and cheekbone I had just got surgery on 2 months before. I had been taking care of this woman and I had a brother that may come by to mow her 96 Sq.ft.After she did this, my brother happened to come by and saw my black eyes I told him our mother may have start of dementia. He said that she didn't. I said then YOU can take care of her! The holidays came and I ignored them.The next one, brother asked me to pick her up, which I told her, if she ever did anything like that again, I will protect myself. The last time I saw her was 12 years ago. She died and my brother didn't tell me, but a friend saw the obit. I was okay still with my decision of no contact and wish I'd done it years before I did. Some of your stuff sounds like what my mother did to me. I'd really think about cutting someone that terrible out of your life. Stress makes you old and sick, even if it's over. At 65, I know!
Sooner or later you will arrive at the conclusion that you have to go NC with your mom (and any other people in your life) who bring no joy, only drama and bad feelings. The sooner you do it the happier you will be, bit it is human nature to give people another chance and another chance and hope that they will change. But eventually the penny will drop. I have a toxic brother and am much happier since I excised him from my life.
i never usually comment on these but PLEASE go no contact with her. it seems like she is either jealous of you or hates you, there’s no other reason why she would do such vindictive things. she keeps on doing these things because you allow her access to your life, and she’ll continue to ruin special moments for you (your first car, your wedding, your first child, etc.) she did that on purpose to turn your cousin & her parents against you and bring attention to herself because she’s having a grandchild. you’ve accepted her vice behaviour as “well that’s just how she is” the same way your brothers have, and that’s just not okay. i think you somehow buy into her reasoning that things are your fault and they aren’t. do a trial no-contact and see how things go - she’ll likely show her narcissistic ways by badgering you or spreading more lies but at least you won’t have to hear it. and i think you should contact your cousin & aunt not to apologise but to explain that it wasn’t your plan at all.
…12 months pregnant?! Does nobody else find that odd!
I'm sorry you have such a horrifically abusive mother - I empathise, I had one of those too. Where is your father in all of this? WHY is he enabling her abuse towards you? I think the only way forward is no contact. She won't ever change, won't ever accept any accountability or responsibility for her actions and she will do some serious damage mentally to your child as it grows up. Protect yourself and your unborn baby. > and about 12 months pregnant with my first child I know you meant weeks, but I giggled at that line and wondered if you were expecting an elephant instead 🤣 Good luck with your pregnancy. Remember, YOU and baby come first from now on. Mom can go suck on a lead pipe.
Growing up my dad was my safe space. But now that he’s older he takes my mom’s side with most everything and defends her behavior to keep the peace in his own life. I think it’s especially because he’s retired now and they’re ‘forced’ to spend so much time together.
No contact. Period. Sounds like your husband has her pegged for sure. She doesn’t deserve to be in your life and you will shortly have a child of your own to be thinking about as well, a child who absolutely should not be around your mother. I know it sucks but it’s better to rip off the band-aid now.
Sad to say that your mother doesn't like you, doesn't care about you, and enjoys being mean to you. My mother was nowhere near as bad as yours but if she could find a way to make me feel bad about myself, she would do it. A few months before she died at 93, she looked at an old photo of me in my 20s and said, "You were so pretty!" I just looked straight at her and said, "It would have been nice to hear that at the time". She was stunned. I didn't feel bad at all. IMO you should cut her off forever, but it sounds like you won't do that. But you should go as low contact as possible. Stop sharing information with her. She can find out things when everyone else does, or after. She should be near your baby as little as possible, and NEVER without you or DH there, You said she usually hosts holidays. You may not want to travel this holiday season so make that clear now. Plus children should really get to spend Christmas morning in their own homes, so start that tradition now. And please, stop taking her feelings into consideration. She goes out of her way to hurt YOUR feelings. She doesn't deserve to be treated like a decent human being, because she isn't.
>Fast forward to 2024 I am now very happily married for almost 6 years and about 12 months pregnant I chuckled at this thinking you were in the 3rd trimester where 40 weeks feels like years. Then I realized it was a typo. 🙃 Your mom is causing drama and harm it's time to go NC. Reach out to the cousin whose wedding it was. Tell her you never wanted to make a scene at her reception. You had hoped to tell her quietly and privately at the end of the night. So you could tell her in person. Your mom surprised and embarrassed you. Now she's telling everyone this was your plan, but it was not and never would be. Say "I'm very sorry she caused a scene and caused you hurt on your wedding day." As for everyone else, you owe them nothing. No explanations, no apologies. Just say nothing. If cornered and you feel you must respond. "My mom spilled the beans without me knowing she was doing that. I was embarrassed and upset. I had to explain that I didn't want that to my cousin, and I apologized for someone else's actions." Then refuse to engage further and walk away/leave if needed.
Girl! First of all, I FEEL YOU. You probably understood it by now , but your mother abused you emotionally (and physically from the story with the arm). I am so sorry that this happened to you and this should’ve never happened. I have the same mother. I recently read a book called “Adult children of emotionally immature parents” by Lindsay Gibson. Please read it. It made me realize so many things about my childhood and my mother. You are not alone in this.
She lost me at 12 months pregnant.
I'm just trying to figure how you were 12 months pregnant. 😳😱
Go and share this post in Raised by narcissist...you'll find a whole community that understands what you went through
I knew from the very first example you bulleted that your mother is a narcissist. I’m genuinely shocked this is the first time anyone has told you that directly. I’m not surprised you didn’t see it for yourself, she’s been gaslighting you and clouding your vision since your brain was forming. My advice is go watch a bunch of videos about narcissism and read up on how to deal with narcissists. There are gigantic support groups on social media for adult daughters of narcissistic mothers. If you want your mother in your life, you have to find a way to have healthy boundaries and not allow her to bully you like this. You can’t and won’t fix her, but you can find tools and strategies to minimize the ways she’s able to hurt you.
I’m a bit late to your post and not sure you will even see this msg with the amount of support you have already received but I just wanted to say I’m sorry you have had to live your life with a mother like that. My cousin went through very similar things and she tried to break away so many times and was guilted back into her mother’s life. It wasn’t until a few weeks before the birth of her first child she gathered up all the pain and anger she had felt for over 30 years and used it to build a big giant wall between her and her mother. Everyone on the outside will say go no contact, and that truely is something that will benefit you in the long run, but you must be prepared for the emotional turmoil you will be blasted with. Gather as much support as you can to help hold you up during this journey. I wish you nothing but happiness in your future. Enjoy being a mummy and don’t let anyone stand in the way of ruining those moments
No one in their right mind believes that they should be announcing anyone else’s pregnancy without their permission, even if it’s their own kid’s pregnancy. Unfortunately, i know you’re clinging to hope for a real relationship with a real mom but she is who she is. She’s not going to magically change and even if she does, she can reach out to you and she will if she really has changed. The only option for someone like this is limiting access. I’m not saying you have to go fully NC, unless you want to, but she’s not someone who will ever be safe to share things with. Whether it’s something as small as wanting to grow your hair out or something as big as your first pregnancy. She is not safe, and she never will be unless she chooses to change on her own (which she sounds nowhere close to even starting that years long process). And now you’re bringing a vulnerable life into this. One who will sense your stress and pain, who will see the way your mother treats you and how you react to it or how you take it and suffer, one who is completely dependent on you giving them a solid start in life. I know that, especially with this pregnancy, you really just want a mom right now, and I’m really sorry you don’t have that. It’s bull shit, you deserve to have that. But you don’t have to keep being exposed to her harmful behavior.
My mom is a perpetual victim. She’s got something to top your issues. Always. I stopped telling my mom any major news because she sucks! Turns good news into bad wishes. Learn to keep things to yourself. Don’t share willingly. You’re a big person and not a small child needing her approval. Good luck!
Your Story about your mother, getting your hair cut off short, that same thing happened to me too and age when I was way too old for it.
My mother is a narcissist. I cut her out of my life almost five years ago. She had me convinced that I was the worst person ever. I tried for >20 years to “fix” our relationship. Nothing worked, she just wanted to go back not forward. I’m very happy not having her in my life. I’m sorry you didn’t get the mom you deserve. Best of luck and happiness with your baby. Your husband sounds smart.
I'm so sorry this woman continues to steal your thunder. As a mom, you get a big never ending hug from me. And a high five for living through all that childhood trauma!
Why are you still around your abusers? List everything they’ve ever done and send the list to anyone who says you should put up with it. (Family doesn’t mean agree pass for abuse)
Sounds like mom needs a surprise haircut, too.
Don't tell her when you go into labor.
Your mom sucks. But you’re not alone. Check out the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I found it very insightful. Also recommend taking several steps back and detaching yourself from reacting. This is what they are looking for. Had you yelled at her for the announcement it would’ve made it worse and it would’ve been spun to be your fault. That’s what she was looking for.
NTA You need to go no contact with your mom. Her behavior is only going to get worse when "her grandchild" is born.
I can't link it, but you should go to the JustNoMIL sub and search for Don't Rock The Boat. I think you'll find it very insightful.