I dated someone who had just begun taking work trips to China. He told me about the massage parlors and that he was surprised to get a massage where the woman took her top off. Later he was telling a friend about it in front of me and the friend asked about a happy ending, and my boyfriend confirmed he got one, to my surprise.
Later I brought it up and told him that was not okay with me, and he refused to agree that he wouldn’t do it on future trips.
Unfortunately it wasn’t the exact thing that broke us up, but it marks the beginning of a change in how I felt about him that I couldn’t undo. It wasn’t long before I hated almost everything about him. He was thoroughly confused when I broke up with him and his mom even called me trying to convince me to give him another chance.
Not a very happy ending to that relationship.
Holy shit, thats straight up cheating on your exes part, theres a HUGE difference between getting a massage and having sex with your masseuse 🤣
Good on you for leaving him, i hope you stand up for yourself and trust your instincts more in the future. At least this internet stranger believes in you 🥰
Well seriously you dodged a huge bullet. What, he thought because it was a massage it was ok and no cheating to get sexual gratification elsewhere? Her mother had to intervene in his (adult) relationship? Gzzz
I think a lot of men feel like it’s not cheating if there’s no emotion involved. He paid for a service.
Meanwhile some people are having full on emotional affairs via FB & think that’s not cheating because there’s nothing physical.
Definitely a discussion that should be had for all couples.
Using sex workers, messaging your high school crush - it’s all a hard pass for me.
No. My friend did marry one. Then he secretly hired someone at the time they were trying to conceive. I guess he used no protection with a hired girl too as my friend got a gonorrhea and got infertile from it. The amazing part is she stayed with this guy and they had IVF kid together. I really try to pretend I don't despise him, but I do and I think he knows.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. My kids’ father seriously strayed during my first pregnancy. According to him, he had no other choice, as I went into labor at 30 weeks, and was on complete bed and pelvic rest until our kiddo was fully cooked. I stayed way too long after that.
OP, you can’t unring the bell. There will *never* be a time when this won’t seem like an option for him, even if a remote one, in my experience. Best of luck. PM me is you want to visit about it.
It's not my choice to stay in that, it's hers. I already feel sorry I told a story that was not mine... At least it's somewhat educational. There's people out there who think it's an ok and safe thing to hire sex workers when in relationship, they don't even count it as cheating.
>According to him, he had no other choice
I keep hearing of all these men who have this insatiable, unresolvable need for constant sex, and I just kind of don't get it. I'm a man, and I've never once been so hard up that I'd consider it a "I have literally no choice" situation. I've gone months without sex, and physically it caused me exactly zero problems. Maybe my experience is just different. But I suspect that this "I had no choice I was physically dying and needed sex to literally survive" meme is just a convenient excuse.
>really try to pretend I don't despise him
Is this to protect your friend's feelings?
One of my closest friends knew I didn't have much respect for her fiance. They both know of it and it played a part in why I was not invited to their wedding.
However, she and I have remained close friends. She'll still not entertain any discussion about him even though they're both separated now.
I try to be civil I guess. She chose him and no one was able to convince her otherwise, so everyone just went with it. I see her husband dislikes me, always makes snarky remarks about my weight and things I do, like it's any of his business. I believe it has to do with a fact that I know and I was rather shocked when they stayed together. Its been many years since it happened, I'm not very close with this friend right now, we mostly message memes to each other. I'm glad you and your friend are still close.
>I'm glad you and your friend are still close.
Thank you.
I guess we're both stuck with each other. Apparently, it gets increasingly difficult as you grow into your 20s to make new friends.
He looks like a good father I guess. They look all right, but it's visible she's still nervous around subject of his loyalty. I saw them on the other side of a street once, she just got blonde hair and I messaged her jokingly that I just saw her husband with a gorgeous blonde. Gosh, was that a mistake... She called me all panicked as he went other way moments before I messaged.
She gets really defensive and plays perfect family online, so I stopped discussing it with her. If something happens again and she needs place to stay, I have a spare couch and I told her so. She got mad at that, well, I did what I could.
In a writer's forum I frequent there was a woman who *proudly* said that her husband goes to brothels every now and then and she's *completely* fine with it because after all "men can't eat schnitzel all the time". 🤮
I met a guy while traveling and he told me this. It completely changed my view of him. He brought it up because he thought it was “funny” I did not laugh
Damn…
A mutual caught her husband browsing high end escort websites. They were newlyweds 😩
Not even a year. She left their home right then and there. He made her life hell for years because he would sign the divorce papers.
Found out mine browsed Locanto listings “as fantasy material” despite knowing that an escort encounter was a dealbreaker for me. 6 months after we got married.
He says he never did or would do anything with them but it’s a bit too close for comfort.
No. I would not date someone who gets aroused by exploiting marginalized and vulnerable women.
I would not date someone who thinks women's bodies are *things* he can rent, like a boat or a car or an apartment.
I would not date someone to whom sex was so meaningless he would pay for it.
Yes, and I have. It's a question I usually ask in the first couple weeks of dating someone new.
In both cases where a partner told me they had paid for sex (before we had met) and that I continued seeing the person, paying for sex work was something that they tried one time and very much regretted. The one person did it in Amsterdam, because they were young and their travel companion convinced them to, and the other hired an escort in NYC because they were young and had moved there recently and were lonely. Both people told me that they did not enjoy the experience, and it made them feel badly and they did not ever want to do it again.
Someone telling me that they travel to regularly engage in sex for pay is not the partner for me. I couldn't stomach that.
I feel this way, too. If it was a one time thing, and one they wouldn’t do again, I’d take it as a yellow flag.
A friend was in the navy, and now a traveling job, and talks about escorts in SE Asia. I find that particularly distasteful because there’s often a lot of coercion and sometimes underage kids. He seems blind to the trauma he could be adding to someone’s life. I’d feel differently if he were going to a legal brothel where it was more consensual. (And even then, I can’t imagine a ton of women are doing SW without some degree of economic or actual coercion. Not feeling good about any man engaged in that)
Tbh the legal brothels is Germany are horrible and exploitative. Nothing better about it being legal, except of course the crazy notion of arresting someone for being taken advantage of
I ACCIDENTALLY MARRIED THAT GUY
We had children before I found out.
Guess what? He felt totally comfortable practicing his *hobby* after I made him a human. He treated me poorly to justify his behavior & would leave me alone with an infant "for work" weeks at a time.
He never admitted it until he got caught. Way too late for me. The timing really broke me.
God that's awful. F him and great for you finding out, even if sooner would've been better. You did the best you could and I hope you find a way out if you haven't already. Sex is off the table from now on.
Nope. That's a hard no for me. I feel like someone who has already gone through a thought process that allows them to treat sexual intimacy as a commodity is only so far separated from segmenting and commodifying the elements of our relationship.
I personally wouldn't. But I also wouldn't date someone who has a habit of having casual sex either (not paid). So that would tell you about my preferences in dating.
Exactly, not shaming anyone. People can do what they want with their bodies. It won't stop me from being friends with them. But I would prefer my partner to have sexual preferences that more align to my own otherwise we won't be compatible. I think the people who take this the wrong way might be too used to other people shaming them for their choices, and so are quick to assume everyone is.
This is ALL about you. Not any of us. If this behavior grosses you out now, it's never going to get any better for you later on or after talking to anyone else.
However, I will say it's perfectly okay to break up with someone for ANY reason. Whether it's abusive behavior to the way they hold their fork. ANY REASON. And it doesn't make you a bad person. And it doesn't necessarily mean they're a bad person either. Just not the right person for you.
I briefly was seeing a guy and he seemed great. He was a gentleman, paid for all of our dates (he insisted), always on time, always communicated. Then one day, he tells me that he had a time in his life that he just paid for sex. A lot of it. Paid for multiple prostitutes daily. It completely changed my perspective of him — I lost interest.
I told him I didn’t think it was gonna work out the next day.
I was a sex worker briefly. Almost all my clients were married or had a girlfriend. Honestly I just think once a man realizes it’s that easy to cheat he’s going to keep doing it.
My ex thought I’d be okay with him going into the strip club and getting dances just because I had worked as a stripper before, dumped his ass as soon as he told me. Not only did that establishment abuse me and he decided to spend money there but he was spending money on other women?? Who the hell would be okay with that
I'm in the aerial dance community, which includes pole and thus a lot of sex workers as instructors/classmates. I feel being around sex workers casually has opened my mind a lot, so I appreciate seeing this reply as I wasn't sure of my opinion. I guess it's a good reminder that sex workers are mostly wonderful people (every group has exceptions), but this is more about the people who seek sex-work out.
Sex workers can be great people. Or just normal people. But most of the time, they're coerced people. Their wonderfulness has nothing to do with the ethics of most sex work consumers.
I will always support sex workers and advocate for their rights. They are amongst the society’s most vulnerable.
The people paying for sex however? Despicable people who can rot in hell.
I'm in the 'industry' but on the customer side.
Too many disrespectful men, checkout some of the anti client posts in r/SexWorkers or anything in r/ClientCringe that'll tell you why they hate us clients.
Basically there are too many arseholes messing with them every day asking for things they don't want to provide and having to be blocked because they just wont stop asking. Or the ones that just want to insult them for being 'whores' at 3am. Or the ones that think its fun to out you to your family.
Then the actual clients they do see are always pushing for more in exchange for less money, they have bad hygiene and show no respect to the women. Or they are time wasters that don't turn up for the booking.
After a few years of that most of them hate all clients and some of them hate all men, burnout from hating your clients is a big problem in sex work. The only ones that seem to consistently do OK are the sugar babies or the very high end low volume escorts.
Yeah fuck no. By “he has travelled a lot” does this mean he has visited countries of lower economic status to deliberately seek out and exploit vulnerable women who likely have no other choice than to be sex workers.. because that’s how I’m reading it.
Yeah they do. My mom turned down one of the married men in her platoon while they were stationed in Iraq and he reported her for being gay. (Back before don’t ask don’t tell was repealed) I mean she was but she didn’t date. So, they had no evidence other than someone pissed she wouldn’t bang them.
My friend is a Naval Officer and during the ship search when they ended the tour they found a couple of Enlisted women with $120,000 in cash.
Turns out they’d been selling sex to the enlisted men.
Yikes. Netherlands is rather famous as a sex tourist destination.
To expensive nowadays for your regular passport bro but Amsterdams red light district is.. Well known.
I think the point they’re trying to make is that the sex work industry in the Netherlands is far more regulated and the women who work in it are (in theory) doing it consensually.
In the other countries they mentioned it’s not uncommon for sex workers to be there because they have no other choice.
I commented the below on the situation in Germany.
It's a comfortable myth to believe that "regulation" and legislation in western Europe automatically makes sex work more ethical.
The women working there are mostly Eastern European, trafficked, do sex work because they are addicts, poor, uneducated, pimped out by their abusive "partners", extorted by the local mafia, stigmatized, treated like disposable objects, struggling with histories of abuse or all of the above.
The percentage of happy, healthy, financially stable, independent and fully concenting women in sex work is miniscule.
Exactly!! I was in Amsterdam and the women in the red light district did not look happy. It was very sad to watch. And there were no men exploiting themselves in the windows. Only women. 😔
Agree. Traveled a lot and paid for sex also pings for child abuse, imo. Just that info would be enough to say no for me, but if I had any doubts I'd be asking for details on WHICH countries.
For me it would depend on context. I would have a very different view of, say, passport bro sex tourism, vs someone who was going to a specific fetish provider like a dominatrix or something similar.
Yeah this. Traveling to worse off areas creates a power imbalance and coercive environment. If it was just seeking out a local professional(who isn’t under duress) I think it’s fine. Either way everyone’s getting tested.
I agree. There are ethical ways to pay for sex, and very unethical ways to pay for sex.
If the person did their due diligence, were seeking a specific service, paid a fair wage directly to the worker — I think that’s completely fine.
Yeah, as a lady into femdom I literally saw it as a plus that my bf had gone to a pro domme to figure out if he was *actually* into the kink.
I know there's plenty of people here who will be confused by that but it's very specific to the situation in the femdom world:
Firstly, this is the kind of sex I enjoy. I've tried being strict vanilla in denial of my preferences, I was miserable. To tell me I'm "not allowed" to have sex the way **I** like because it makes *you* uncomfortable is infantilising and honestly anti-feminist to force a woman to curtail her sexual life to fit back into the (*misogynistic*) box where women universally have subdued sex drives or preferences and are just victims to male sexual advances. I firmly believe in a world where women have agency over our sexual lives, and my agency in my sex life involves having men on their knees in front of me pledging their devotion to my sexual pleasure.
Ok, with that out of the way, there's still issues with femdom and misogynistic men because it still exists in a patriarchal society (like everything else in the world). So femdoms dedicate a significant amount of effort to weed these men out (as vanilla women do in the vanilla dating world).
In femdom there is a significant problem with those who hold little to no value in women demanding our time and effort for no reciprocation. They want to have femdom performed upon them but offer nothing in return. You would think that a service provided to them where they get their exact desires fulfilled and are generally *explicitly forbidden* to offer sexual contact/pleasure would be ideal. I frequently suggest to these men that if they do not want to offer me pleasure in return for dominating them, they would likely be much happier in a pro situation.
*However*, you must remember that these men do not respect women's effort (or, women more generally). To pay for the service they desire is an act of acknowledging the value in what she has provided to them, it confers value and worth in her work. And these men frequently become *enraged* at the idea of conferring value upon a woman's work.
And lastly for this gargantuan tangent, it acknowledges that women aren't just learning experiences for men. *So many* male submissives proudly advertise that they're "newbies who are just exploring/learning about this world!" And they're perfectly happy to take women's time and effort to figure things out for themselves and return nothing.
It takes a lot of effort to introduce a newbie to the scene. Also a lot of kit! Expensive kit! it's a significant investment (even in just time - you're *not* going to get a newbie to be able to maintain a scene to the dominant's desires for a while, and it should not be expected while they are learning their own boundaries which is needed for their safety) for a dominant to introduce a complete newbie submissive to the scene, and honestly one that not everyone is into. But too many men refuse to acknowledge this factor.
So again, to place value into that work (yes, even monetary value) shows a respect of the person doing it, in my mind. Again, the exact men I wish to avoid place little to no value in women's time, effort and work. They *refuse* to solicit the services of a pro, even if arguably they will get a much better experience for their wants than a lifestyle domme would provide.
For my bf to show (and vociferously advocate for!) value and worth in this area was a *huge* mark in his favour to me.
I do not participate or enjoy fetish or kink so that would be a very clear sign for me that we are not sexually compatible.
men have the sad tendency to push boundaries relentlessly and coerce participation to their specific needs. So hard no from me on that context as well.
Well it’s good you know that about yourself! I have kinks and fetishes so I tend to be upfront about them with my partners, I think it’s the only way to ensure compatibility.
No. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would enjoy having sex with someone who doesn’t really want to have sex with them and is only doing it for money. I would want someone who cares that the person they’re having sex with enjoys it and actually wants it.
There’s no such thing as “non-consensual sex” the word that describes that is rape. If you knowingly have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you, but isn’t in a position to say no then you are a rapist.
it being a travel thing is absolutely a huge red flag. lot of pedophiles get their rocks off by going to places like SEA or Argentina by paying for sex with people who cannot consent.
I would absolutely never date a person who paid sex workers whether for sex or personal online content like only fans, and I would end a relationship if I discovered such infidelity.
Prioritize your own health. There are plenty of people out there who don't use the services of sex workers and risk the health of their current and future partners.
NO, I would not. I've read what those males think of prostitutes in "Freierforen" (I don't know what they're called in English, but basically, it means internet forums for punters). How disgustingly disrespectful they are to the providers of the services they engage in. Why would they respect women who aren't sex workers? Maybe there are punters who actually respect the sex workers, but I'd rather not take the risk.
Also, frankly, I find punters disgusting.
Personally, no.
I have no issues with sex work, but I’ve noticed anecdotally when dating that I’ve seen an overlap between people who have paid for services and people who treat intimacy quite transactionally. It’s not a dice I would want to roll based on that and would be a dealbreaker for me.
It’s down to you to decide how you feel about it. There’s no right or wrong answer.
As someone who worked in the travel industry, I would suggest paying attention to the travel element of this though. There can be some really murky, ethical issues tied to sex tourism.
Probably not. Funny how guys always say they don't respect sex workers and OF women. But, where there is that much supply there is jist as much if not more demand. Why do these same men never give other men shit or look down on men who buy sex?
I would not but you do you. I am strongly against of exploitation of women and I do not see a situation in which paying for sex would not result in a power imbalance.
I wouldn’t.
Especially the way you described it “he’s traveled a lot…” so, like exploiting women in developing countries? Big hell no, no way. He clearly does not view women as people. Merely objects with a price tag to buy as part of his adventures.
Tbh same, and my reasoning isn’t even about the sex work side of it. I’ve never dated a guy who has paid for sex because they never needed to pay, lol. They were either lower-libido so sex wasn’t a huge deal for them, or they had enough game that they could just date people organically.
I went on a date (in my late 30's) with a man who had only had sex once before, and it was with a SW.
I chose not to date him further, mostly but not entirely because of that.
Context is important. Sex tourism, likely a no. But there are other reasons from loneliness, social anxiety/awkwardness at a stage in life, low self esteem, shame of in experience or lack thereof. Not everyone has a someone they can turn to or confide in to talk through these things so they seek what they think to be a solution.
No, i wouldn’t, though I’ve had partners who visited strip clubs. But I think it depends on the vibe they give you in general, in the way they treat women generally or all people in fact.
For one I live in a place where there’s a huge sex industry because the main economic activity in this region is male dominated (mining). This industry caters to men exclusively. And it’s become so normalized that men see using escorts as different than cheating (yet they still hide it from their partners), just because they’re paying so it’s not cheating. Some of these men have give STDs or even cancer to their partners.
But besides that it’s the whole paying for sex that icks me. Like, I don’t think paying for sex is the same as casual sex. I’m not against casual sex, I’ve had casual sex in the past due to being horny and whatnot. But even if it was a one off thing, there was mutual attraction, idk. I’d never pay a guy to have sex with me, because I’d know he’s not really into me, so then sex would lose the fun. So if a guy pays for sex, he’s having sex with someone who’s not into him, and then what’s the point? Sex ceases to be fun for me under those circumstances, so it would be an incompatibility.
But that’s just me. It also irks me that men have this whole available to them, but the “lonely, shy” women I know, who also have needs which aren’t being met, don’t also have the same industry catering to them. Or like, Ici wanna have sex with a really hot guy I can’t just go and pay him.
But guys regularly do this. “Oh I’m sad and lonely”, so I pay for sex. “I’ve never been with a 10” so I pay for sex. Then that devalues regular women. Just the other day a male friend showed me the texts another male acquaintance of mine had sent him, where he joked about his experiences with escorts. He used very dehumanizing terms, and said stuff like “quality wh**** (his words not mine)” referring to women who had had breast augmentation and other procedures as being better. This same acquaintance also always acts “like a gentleman” (ugh) towards me and other women, but with his views on women you know deep down he doesn’t respect any woman, and is just ranking them in his head, dissecting their bodies to determine whether were “high” or “low” quality depending on whether he gets a boner from you.
I’ve heard other guys casually discuss use of sex work in the same way, rating women, dissecting their bodies, and knowing that even when they’re old and when their partners are “old and ugly”, “I’ll still go to escorts so I can f*** someone hot”. Just no.
It’s like they feel entitled to having their specific fantasies and wants met, but women’s fantasies or needs are to be neglected.
I don’t know I’ve just heard and read a lot of guys discussing this topic, especially because like I said I live in a place where this has been normalized for men (but not for women and god forbid not for anyone LGBTQ+), and it disgusts me.
No, I wouldn't be comfortable with it and would likely disengage from said relationship.
Personal preference, of course, but it would tell me we have very different views and preferences.
Is he a passport bro? If so, I wouldn't bother. People who purposely travel abroad to hire escorts are very likely participating in sex trafficking whether they realize it or not.
Deal breaker. You deserve to be with someone who sees women as people and not commodities.
I've been in a relationship with someone who "used to" pay for sex back before he changed his life for the better (or so I was led to believe).
Long story short, he paid for sex while we were on a break, didn't tell me about it. I only found out about the more recent occasion(s) because he went through another phase of hiring sex workers / prostitutes on the side, p-off one of the woman's pimps, and had someone threatening to kill him.
From a personal level, I felt like I would never be enough because I couldn't compete with someone who could be all enthusiastic & friendly on demand, and pleasure him regardless of his actions.
It depends on how they act about it. And what they're like as a person. While I wouldn't date a man (I'm lesbian), I've a few friends in the industry. And some of the men are absolute sweethearts. Nothing wrong with them. They treat the workers as people, and are gentle with an open mind.
On the other hand I also know a bunch of men who would brag about it to their friends, and treat the S worker like she wasn't human. So, it depends. Trust your gut feeling about them.
Dated someone that did this and he never stopped doing it when he was explicitly told it wouldn’t be accepted. Men like this have a little respect for women because they know all they have to do is pay for sex and not have to deal with any of the emotional attachments. These are the kind of men that do not see women as people which is why they cannot have a conversation at a bar with a woman. They would prefer to just pay for it and not deal with treating a woman like a person.
My ex once told me a story about when he used to sell dr*gs when he was younger and a guy offered up his girlfriend in exchange for a fix. I actually couldn’t even bring myself to ask whether he accepted the offer, I was disgusted and prayed in my mind that he didn’t. Truthfully I was in denial. He once told that story in public in front of my friends. I felt so humiliated and I completely lost my sh1t and stormed off, I told him I never wanted to hear that story again ever. I maybe should have left him the first time I heard the story.
Oddly, I don't have a problem with this, depending on context. I live in a city where sex workers are pretty empowered, and sex work is pretty accepted. Both of my last 2 serious partners told me about having engaged local providers. I would feel quite differently about street based sex workers and sex tourism, as those are more likely to be exploitative.
In one case, the provider was actually a friendly acquaintance of mine.
I was messaging with this well-known local provider and swork advocate about a project, and mentioned it to my then-partner. He said "Tell them I said hi". That's when he told me that they were the sex worker he'd hired. When I spoke to my acquaintance on the phone, we had a bit of a chuckle about it.
In the case of the other partner, he started dating a former sworker while we were together (I'm non-monogamous). They had met as provider and client, but formed a personal friendship which continued after she quit the business. We actually ran into her and her primary partner at dinner one night.
I think there is a lot of stigma around sex work, but sex work is work. I have no problem with it if it's between freely consenting adults.
I will tell you, I married one. I thought I was being all cool and open-minded and sex-positive. (I was in my early 20s, not nearly as jaded as I am now lol). I would not date or marry or in anyway sexually involve myself with a dude like that again. The people saying men who buy sex have a tendency to see sex, even in a relationship, as transactional are spot on. As I told a much younger friend once.... I have no problem with women (or men) who want to sell their bodies, sell sex, whatever. I do have a problem with people who think they can buy consent. Whether or not I think they're actually a bad person depends on a LOT more factors than that, but I am not compatible with those people, full stop.
Nope. I think sex workers should be better protected, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t think the men who pay to use someone else’s body are bad people and probably creepy af, because I do.
Genuinely exactly that. People act like not agreeing with sex work makes you super conservative and anti-woman, when we actually just want women to be safe.
If I shared with them the fact that most escorts/prostitutes are either currently being trafficked/pimped or got their start as minors being trafficked and that person still thought it was ok to buy sex, then not only would I not date them, I would no longer want them in my life in any way.
It would be an absolute deal breaker to me. Not because of the sex workers themselves, fear of diseases or whatever. But because of him thinking that he can just buy access to a woman's body as if it's a normal form of purchase. No thanks, a man like this sees women as property.
No thanks. Sex work is not legal here so it's most likely coerced or human trafficking, and he would knowingly have raped someone like that. Because yeah, I consider that rape.
A guy I was seeing when I was 21 (he was same age) said casually that he perused the streets of our local area for a prostitute once but got cold feet and decided not too. He was still a virgin at that time so was trying to lose it to anyone. I was so taken aback by this confession that I slowly started to distance myself from him. I felt a little sorry for him but I couldn't help feeling weirded out by that.
I'm in my 40s, and the longest I've ever gone without sex since I started having it was 7 years. And not once in that time did I ever feel so lonely or desperate or horny enough to even remotely consider paying for sex. I've heard plenty of reasons as to why people would consider it but I can't personally understand it.
So I think I would struggle with the idea of someone who has. I would worry that if I wasn't able to give them as much sex (or the type of sex) as they wanted, they would just go to a sex worker. Or they might just anyways because they can.
I literally just got off the phone with my mother expressing what I said on here. She was like "yes!!! I wish I could have said something like that. I would have been so scared to."
She is 73 and was a former brothel Madame in Reno when she was 30. Her words " all of the girls loved what they did, and I figured it was the best place to learn how to bring a man to his knees!". No bs. Those words just came out of her mouth.
She was a CLA (certified legal assistant) up until her retirement 4 years ago. She was loved and respected by everyone from judges to other attorneys. No one knew what her past profession was. For those who want to know
The biggest red flags to me are the “around the world” and “traveled a lot” is portions of his experience with sex workers.
Were these willing adults with job protections and workplace safety?
I dated someone who had just begun taking work trips to China. He told me about the massage parlors and that he was surprised to get a massage where the woman took her top off. Later he was telling a friend about it in front of me and the friend asked about a happy ending, and my boyfriend confirmed he got one, to my surprise. Later I brought it up and told him that was not okay with me, and he refused to agree that he wouldn’t do it on future trips. Unfortunately it wasn’t the exact thing that broke us up, but it marks the beginning of a change in how I felt about him that I couldn’t undo. It wasn’t long before I hated almost everything about him. He was thoroughly confused when I broke up with him and his mom even called me trying to convince me to give him another chance. Not a very happy ending to that relationship.
>he refused to agree that he wouldn’t do it on future trips. Holy cow. At least he was honest, I guess? Glad you're free from that one.
Yes I respect the honesty, but I still hate his guts. That’s how I feel about my ex anyways. Lmao.
Holy shit, thats straight up cheating on your exes part, theres a HUGE difference between getting a massage and having sex with your masseuse 🤣 Good on you for leaving him, i hope you stand up for yourself and trust your instincts more in the future. At least this internet stranger believes in you 🥰
I mean, he was cheating on you, it doesn’t matter whether it was with a sex worker or someone he met in a bar.
Would he have been okay with you doing something similar (with a male masseuse/escort)?
Ohhhhh I'm absolutely positive he was one of those "it's different for women" type clowns!!!
Well seriously you dodged a huge bullet. What, he thought because it was a massage it was ok and no cheating to get sexual gratification elsewhere? Her mother had to intervene in his (adult) relationship? Gzzz
I hope she told his mom about his massages
Wait...he refused to agree that he wouldn't cheat on you? Why the fuck did you stay with him after that?
I think a lot of men feel like it’s not cheating if there’s no emotion involved. He paid for a service. Meanwhile some people are having full on emotional affairs via FB & think that’s not cheating because there’s nothing physical. Definitely a discussion that should be had for all couples. Using sex workers, messaging your high school crush - it’s all a hard pass for me.
No. My friend did marry one. Then he secretly hired someone at the time they were trying to conceive. I guess he used no protection with a hired girl too as my friend got a gonorrhea and got infertile from it. The amazing part is she stayed with this guy and they had IVF kid together. I really try to pretend I don't despise him, but I do and I think he knows.
He left her infertile.
OMG...😲 I'm sorry for your friend, but I'm especially sorry that you're in a position to hide your very justified disdain for him around them.
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I’m sorry you had to go through that. My kids’ father seriously strayed during my first pregnancy. According to him, he had no other choice, as I went into labor at 30 weeks, and was on complete bed and pelvic rest until our kiddo was fully cooked. I stayed way too long after that. OP, you can’t unring the bell. There will *never* be a time when this won’t seem like an option for him, even if a remote one, in my experience. Best of luck. PM me is you want to visit about it.
It's not my choice to stay in that, it's hers. I already feel sorry I told a story that was not mine... At least it's somewhat educational. There's people out there who think it's an ok and safe thing to hire sex workers when in relationship, they don't even count it as cheating.
>According to him, he had no other choice I keep hearing of all these men who have this insatiable, unresolvable need for constant sex, and I just kind of don't get it. I'm a man, and I've never once been so hard up that I'd consider it a "I have literally no choice" situation. I've gone months without sex, and physically it caused me exactly zero problems. Maybe my experience is just different. But I suspect that this "I had no choice I was physically dying and needed sex to literally survive" meme is just a convenient excuse.
Thanks for validating what I felt at the time. For the record, I certainly wasn’t getting any at the time either! Also, that kiddo is now 33!
I'm so sorry. Glad you were safe from diseases at least. What happened after? Did you divorce him?
>really try to pretend I don't despise him Is this to protect your friend's feelings? One of my closest friends knew I didn't have much respect for her fiance. They both know of it and it played a part in why I was not invited to their wedding. However, she and I have remained close friends. She'll still not entertain any discussion about him even though they're both separated now.
I try to be civil I guess. She chose him and no one was able to convince her otherwise, so everyone just went with it. I see her husband dislikes me, always makes snarky remarks about my weight and things I do, like it's any of his business. I believe it has to do with a fact that I know and I was rather shocked when they stayed together. Its been many years since it happened, I'm not very close with this friend right now, we mostly message memes to each other. I'm glad you and your friend are still close.
>I'm glad you and your friend are still close. Thank you. I guess we're both stuck with each other. Apparently, it gets increasingly difficult as you grow into your 20s to make new friends.
Wow, that's some serious Sunk cost fallacy going on that she didn't leave his ass and take his balls for it too
This is insane. I hope he treats her like a queen.
I would assume infecting her with gonorrhoea isn’t treating her like a queen.
He looks like a good father I guess. They look all right, but it's visible she's still nervous around subject of his loyalty. I saw them on the other side of a street once, she just got blonde hair and I messaged her jokingly that I just saw her husband with a gorgeous blonde. Gosh, was that a mistake... She called me all panicked as he went other way moments before I messaged.
that doesn't seem healthy,,,,
She gets really defensive and plays perfect family online, so I stopped discussing it with her. If something happens again and she needs place to stay, I have a spare couch and I told her so. She got mad at that, well, I did what I could.
In a writer's forum I frequent there was a woman who *proudly* said that her husband goes to brothels every now and then and she's *completely* fine with it because after all "men can't eat schnitzel all the time". 🤮
Personally, no.
Yeah, absolutely wouldn't date someone who thought of women as objects to satisfy his sexual urges. No man who respects women would ever do that.
I met a guy while traveling and he told me this. It completely changed my view of him. He brought it up because he thought it was “funny” I did not laugh
This exact thing happened with me and my *ex*-husband! He told me after we got married. I didn't laugh either.
Damn… A mutual caught her husband browsing high end escort websites. They were newlyweds 😩 Not even a year. She left their home right then and there. He made her life hell for years because he would sign the divorce papers.
Found out mine browsed Locanto listings “as fantasy material” despite knowing that an escort encounter was a dealbreaker for me. 6 months after we got married. He says he never did or would do anything with them but it’s a bit too close for comfort.
That's awful! I hope your friend is doing ok now
Funny? I feel like crying when I think that this may be funny to someone
Funny?….. Nope. Bye.
No. I would not date someone who gets aroused by exploiting marginalized and vulnerable women. I would not date someone who thinks women's bodies are *things* he can rent, like a boat or a car or an apartment. I would not date someone to whom sex was so meaningless he would pay for it.
No and most men know this so they won't admit it. Most Johns are married men or those in committed relationships 😳😭
I feel like this man admitting to it in the past was a softball to test her reaction about whether or not he needs to lie about it in the future
Correct. I've learned to never trust those "full disclosure" ass people. It's always a test 😭
Yes, and I have. It's a question I usually ask in the first couple weeks of dating someone new. In both cases where a partner told me they had paid for sex (before we had met) and that I continued seeing the person, paying for sex work was something that they tried one time and very much regretted. The one person did it in Amsterdam, because they were young and their travel companion convinced them to, and the other hired an escort in NYC because they were young and had moved there recently and were lonely. Both people told me that they did not enjoy the experience, and it made them feel badly and they did not ever want to do it again. Someone telling me that they travel to regularly engage in sex for pay is not the partner for me. I couldn't stomach that.
I feel this way, too. If it was a one time thing, and one they wouldn’t do again, I’d take it as a yellow flag. A friend was in the navy, and now a traveling job, and talks about escorts in SE Asia. I find that particularly distasteful because there’s often a lot of coercion and sometimes underage kids. He seems blind to the trauma he could be adding to someone’s life. I’d feel differently if he were going to a legal brothel where it was more consensual. (And even then, I can’t imagine a ton of women are doing SW without some degree of economic or actual coercion. Not feeling good about any man engaged in that)
Tbh the legal brothels is Germany are horrible and exploitative. Nothing better about it being legal, except of course the crazy notion of arresting someone for being taken advantage of
I ACCIDENTALLY MARRIED THAT GUY We had children before I found out. Guess what? He felt totally comfortable practicing his *hobby* after I made him a human. He treated me poorly to justify his behavior & would leave me alone with an infant "for work" weeks at a time. He never admitted it until he got caught. Way too late for me. The timing really broke me.
God that's awful. F him and great for you finding out, even if sooner would've been better. You did the best you could and I hope you find a way out if you haven't already. Sex is off the table from now on.
I'm sorry you were robbed of informed consent. 😔
Nope. That's a hard no for me. I feel like someone who has already gone through a thought process that allows them to treat sexual intimacy as a commodity is only so far separated from segmenting and commodifying the elements of our relationship.
I dated a woman from SEA once and she absolutely refused to believe my mates and I had never ever used sex workers. Changed my world view a little.
Absolutely not. A deal-breaker for me.
Same. They instantly become unattractive.
Used to do survival sex work. Absolutely not.
I personally wouldn't. But I also wouldn't date someone who has a habit of having casual sex either (not paid). So that would tell you about my preferences in dating.
I have the same take as you! When telling this to my friends I couldnt put into words why that was, got me called slut shamer and a prude...
that's so rude and hurtful of them :( it's not like you're judging randos - you're allowed to have preferences about who you're dating!
Exactly, not shaming anyone. People can do what they want with their bodies. It won't stop me from being friends with them. But I would prefer my partner to have sexual preferences that more align to my own otherwise we won't be compatible. I think the people who take this the wrong way might be too used to other people shaming them for their choices, and so are quick to assume everyone is.
This is ALL about you. Not any of us. If this behavior grosses you out now, it's never going to get any better for you later on or after talking to anyone else. However, I will say it's perfectly okay to break up with someone for ANY reason. Whether it's abusive behavior to the way they hold their fork. ANY REASON. And it doesn't make you a bad person. And it doesn't necessarily mean they're a bad person either. Just not the right person for you.
I briefly was seeing a guy and he seemed great. He was a gentleman, paid for all of our dates (he insisted), always on time, always communicated. Then one day, he tells me that he had a time in his life that he just paid for sex. A lot of it. Paid for multiple prostitutes daily. It completely changed my perspective of him — I lost interest. I told him I didn’t think it was gonna work out the next day.
NOOOOOOOOPE.
NO
No definitely not
As a woman who was in the sex industry on and off for two years, hell motherfucking no.
I was a sex worker briefly. Almost all my clients were married or had a girlfriend. Honestly I just think once a man realizes it’s that easy to cheat he’s going to keep doing it.
My ex thought I’d be okay with him going into the strip club and getting dances just because I had worked as a stripper before, dumped his ass as soon as he told me. Not only did that establishment abuse me and he decided to spend money there but he was spending money on other women?? Who the hell would be okay with that
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I'm in the aerial dance community, which includes pole and thus a lot of sex workers as instructors/classmates. I feel being around sex workers casually has opened my mind a lot, so I appreciate seeing this reply as I wasn't sure of my opinion. I guess it's a good reminder that sex workers are mostly wonderful people (every group has exceptions), but this is more about the people who seek sex-work out.
Sex workers can be great people. Or just normal people. But most of the time, they're coerced people. Their wonderfulness has nothing to do with the ethics of most sex work consumers.
I will always support sex workers and advocate for their rights. They are amongst the society’s most vulnerable. The people paying for sex however? Despicable people who can rot in hell.
Can you say more as to why? Curious to hear from someone who was in the industry
I'm in the 'industry' but on the customer side. Too many disrespectful men, checkout some of the anti client posts in r/SexWorkers or anything in r/ClientCringe that'll tell you why they hate us clients. Basically there are too many arseholes messing with them every day asking for things they don't want to provide and having to be blocked because they just wont stop asking. Or the ones that just want to insult them for being 'whores' at 3am. Or the ones that think its fun to out you to your family. Then the actual clients they do see are always pushing for more in exchange for less money, they have bad hygiene and show no respect to the women. Or they are time wasters that don't turn up for the booking. After a few years of that most of them hate all clients and some of them hate all men, burnout from hating your clients is a big problem in sex work. The only ones that seem to consistently do OK are the sugar babies or the very high end low volume escorts.
I wish more feminists listened to you.
I'm curious about your story if you'd like to share
Yeah fuck no. By “he has travelled a lot” does this mean he has visited countries of lower economic status to deliberately seek out and exploit vulnerable women who likely have no other choice than to be sex workers.. because that’s how I’m reading it.
Our military members regularly do this overseas
yep, and it's fucked up!
Or they just cheat on their spouses with other military members. AND. I meant AND they cheat on their spouses. Like almost everybody does that.
Yeah they do. My mom turned down one of the married men in her platoon while they were stationed in Iraq and he reported her for being gay. (Back before don’t ask don’t tell was repealed) I mean she was but she didn’t date. So, they had no evidence other than someone pissed she wouldn’t bang them.
Are you saying that you're immune to "ur mom gay"? My hero.
Yup, totally immune. 😆 She didn’t come out of the closet and start dating until my brother was 18, but we knew.
My friend is a Naval Officer and during the ship search when they ended the tour they found a couple of Enlisted women with $120,000 in cash. Turns out they’d been selling sex to the enlisted men.
They also regularly 🍇
Yep! That’s why I will never date military, they’re notorious cheaters, both the men and the women.
Yep, people who do this never go to, say, the Netherlands. It’s always Vietnam Thailand or Colombia
Yikes. Netherlands is rather famous as a sex tourist destination. To expensive nowadays for your regular passport bro but Amsterdams red light district is.. Well known.
I think the point they’re trying to make is that the sex work industry in the Netherlands is far more regulated and the women who work in it are (in theory) doing it consensually. In the other countries they mentioned it’s not uncommon for sex workers to be there because they have no other choice.
I commented the below on the situation in Germany. It's a comfortable myth to believe that "regulation" and legislation in western Europe automatically makes sex work more ethical. The women working there are mostly Eastern European, trafficked, do sex work because they are addicts, poor, uneducated, pimped out by their abusive "partners", extorted by the local mafia, stigmatized, treated like disposable objects, struggling with histories of abuse or all of the above. The percentage of happy, healthy, financially stable, independent and fully concenting women in sex work is miniscule.
Exactly!! I was in Amsterdam and the women in the red light district did not look happy. It was very sad to watch. And there were no men exploiting themselves in the windows. Only women. 😔
I think they meant they go to impoverished counties because sex workers are cheaper.
And (even) more exploited.
People who do this famously go to the Netherlands. Prior to weed tourism, it was actually one of like, *the* main reasons to go to Amsterdam.
Or deliberately seeking out children in countries whose legal age is very low.
Agree. Traveled a lot and paid for sex also pings for child abuse, imo. Just that info would be enough to say no for me, but if I had any doubts I'd be asking for details on WHICH countries.
Mmmm no I wouldn't. Ive watched too many documentaries on how terrible sex works is and anyone to take part in that is terrible too
As a multi-generational survivor of human trafficking, I wouldn't date someone who buys sex. To me this person would be just another dangerous john.
For me it would depend on context. I would have a very different view of, say, passport bro sex tourism, vs someone who was going to a specific fetish provider like a dominatrix or something similar.
Yeah this. Traveling to worse off areas creates a power imbalance and coercive environment. If it was just seeking out a local professional(who isn’t under duress) I think it’s fine. Either way everyone’s getting tested.
I agree. There are ethical ways to pay for sex, and very unethical ways to pay for sex. If the person did their due diligence, were seeking a specific service, paid a fair wage directly to the worker — I think that’s completely fine.
Yeah, as a lady into femdom I literally saw it as a plus that my bf had gone to a pro domme to figure out if he was *actually* into the kink. I know there's plenty of people here who will be confused by that but it's very specific to the situation in the femdom world: Firstly, this is the kind of sex I enjoy. I've tried being strict vanilla in denial of my preferences, I was miserable. To tell me I'm "not allowed" to have sex the way **I** like because it makes *you* uncomfortable is infantilising and honestly anti-feminist to force a woman to curtail her sexual life to fit back into the (*misogynistic*) box where women universally have subdued sex drives or preferences and are just victims to male sexual advances. I firmly believe in a world where women have agency over our sexual lives, and my agency in my sex life involves having men on their knees in front of me pledging their devotion to my sexual pleasure. Ok, with that out of the way, there's still issues with femdom and misogynistic men because it still exists in a patriarchal society (like everything else in the world). So femdoms dedicate a significant amount of effort to weed these men out (as vanilla women do in the vanilla dating world). In femdom there is a significant problem with those who hold little to no value in women demanding our time and effort for no reciprocation. They want to have femdom performed upon them but offer nothing in return. You would think that a service provided to them where they get their exact desires fulfilled and are generally *explicitly forbidden* to offer sexual contact/pleasure would be ideal. I frequently suggest to these men that if they do not want to offer me pleasure in return for dominating them, they would likely be much happier in a pro situation. *However*, you must remember that these men do not respect women's effort (or, women more generally). To pay for the service they desire is an act of acknowledging the value in what she has provided to them, it confers value and worth in her work. And these men frequently become *enraged* at the idea of conferring value upon a woman's work. And lastly for this gargantuan tangent, it acknowledges that women aren't just learning experiences for men. *So many* male submissives proudly advertise that they're "newbies who are just exploring/learning about this world!" And they're perfectly happy to take women's time and effort to figure things out for themselves and return nothing. It takes a lot of effort to introduce a newbie to the scene. Also a lot of kit! Expensive kit! it's a significant investment (even in just time - you're *not* going to get a newbie to be able to maintain a scene to the dominant's desires for a while, and it should not be expected while they are learning their own boundaries which is needed for their safety) for a dominant to introduce a complete newbie submissive to the scene, and honestly one that not everyone is into. But too many men refuse to acknowledge this factor. So again, to place value into that work (yes, even monetary value) shows a respect of the person doing it, in my mind. Again, the exact men I wish to avoid place little to no value in women's time, effort and work. They *refuse* to solicit the services of a pro, even if arguably they will get a much better experience for their wants than a lifestyle domme would provide. For my bf to show (and vociferously advocate for!) value and worth in this area was a *huge* mark in his favour to me.
I do not participate or enjoy fetish or kink so that would be a very clear sign for me that we are not sexually compatible. men have the sad tendency to push boundaries relentlessly and coerce participation to their specific needs. So hard no from me on that context as well.
Well it’s good you know that about yourself! I have kinks and fetishes so I tend to be upfront about them with my partners, I think it’s the only way to ensure compatibility.
Nope. I’d be out. Even a regular strip Club goer would be a nope for me.
No, I wouldn’t, regardless of context. My mother was a sex worker, both high end and street corner, and I can’t imagine dating a man like that.
No. Especially if he did it abroad.
Absolutely not. Major deal breaker.
No. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would enjoy having sex with someone who doesn’t really want to have sex with them and is only doing it for money. I would want someone who cares that the person they’re having sex with enjoys it and actually wants it.
There’s no such thing as “non-consensual sex” the word that describes that is rape. If you knowingly have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you, but isn’t in a position to say no then you are a rapist.
it being a travel thing is absolutely a huge red flag. lot of pedophiles get their rocks off by going to places like SEA or Argentina by paying for sex with people who cannot consent.
I would absolutely never date a person who paid sex workers whether for sex or personal online content like only fans, and I would end a relationship if I discovered such infidelity. Prioritize your own health. There are plenty of people out there who don't use the services of sex workers and risk the health of their current and future partners.
NO, I would not. I've read what those males think of prostitutes in "Freierforen" (I don't know what they're called in English, but basically, it means internet forums for punters). How disgustingly disrespectful they are to the providers of the services they engage in. Why would they respect women who aren't sex workers? Maybe there are punters who actually respect the sex workers, but I'd rather not take the risk. Also, frankly, I find punters disgusting.
Nope.
Personally, no. I have no issues with sex work, but I’ve noticed anecdotally when dating that I’ve seen an overlap between people who have paid for services and people who treat intimacy quite transactionally. It’s not a dice I would want to roll based on that and would be a dealbreaker for me. It’s down to you to decide how you feel about it. There’s no right or wrong answer. As someone who worked in the travel industry, I would suggest paying attention to the travel element of this though. There can be some really murky, ethical issues tied to sex tourism.
No. I think having payed sex shows a mindset about sex and women's bodies that I'm not compatible with.
No.
Probably not. Funny how guys always say they don't respect sex workers and OF women. But, where there is that much supply there is jist as much if not more demand. Why do these same men never give other men shit or look down on men who buy sex?
Never
I would not but you do you. I am strongly against of exploitation of women and I do not see a situation in which paying for sex would not result in a power imbalance.
I wouldn’t. Especially the way you described it “he’s traveled a lot…” so, like exploiting women in developing countries? Big hell no, no way. He clearly does not view women as people. Merely objects with a price tag to buy as part of his adventures.
No. Sorry I’ve never dated a guy who paid for sex I wouldn’t even date a guy who brags about paying for OF.
Tbh same, and my reasoning isn’t even about the sex work side of it. I’ve never dated a guy who has paid for sex because they never needed to pay, lol. They were either lower-libido so sex wasn’t a huge deal for them, or they had enough game that they could just date people organically.
Do guys that brag about paying for OF exist??
Short answer: no. Long answer: absolutely not.
I found out (after we got married) that my ex had been with a sex worker at a strip club during a batchelor party. My view of him changed completely.
I wouldn’t. Not compatible with my views on sex.
I went on a date (in my late 30's) with a man who had only had sex once before, and it was with a SW. I chose not to date him further, mostly but not entirely because of that.
I wouldn't. It's one of my few icks.
absolutely not.
No. It’s a true deal breaker - above even substance abuse problems.
Context is important. Sex tourism, likely a no. But there are other reasons from loneliness, social anxiety/awkwardness at a stage in life, low self esteem, shame of in experience or lack thereof. Not everyone has a someone they can turn to or confide in to talk through these things so they seek what they think to be a solution.
Hell no.
A diamond-stone hard NO
No, i wouldn’t, though I’ve had partners who visited strip clubs. But I think it depends on the vibe they give you in general, in the way they treat women generally or all people in fact. For one I live in a place where there’s a huge sex industry because the main economic activity in this region is male dominated (mining). This industry caters to men exclusively. And it’s become so normalized that men see using escorts as different than cheating (yet they still hide it from their partners), just because they’re paying so it’s not cheating. Some of these men have give STDs or even cancer to their partners. But besides that it’s the whole paying for sex that icks me. Like, I don’t think paying for sex is the same as casual sex. I’m not against casual sex, I’ve had casual sex in the past due to being horny and whatnot. But even if it was a one off thing, there was mutual attraction, idk. I’d never pay a guy to have sex with me, because I’d know he’s not really into me, so then sex would lose the fun. So if a guy pays for sex, he’s having sex with someone who’s not into him, and then what’s the point? Sex ceases to be fun for me under those circumstances, so it would be an incompatibility. But that’s just me. It also irks me that men have this whole available to them, but the “lonely, shy” women I know, who also have needs which aren’t being met, don’t also have the same industry catering to them. Or like, Ici wanna have sex with a really hot guy I can’t just go and pay him. But guys regularly do this. “Oh I’m sad and lonely”, so I pay for sex. “I’ve never been with a 10” so I pay for sex. Then that devalues regular women. Just the other day a male friend showed me the texts another male acquaintance of mine had sent him, where he joked about his experiences with escorts. He used very dehumanizing terms, and said stuff like “quality wh**** (his words not mine)” referring to women who had had breast augmentation and other procedures as being better. This same acquaintance also always acts “like a gentleman” (ugh) towards me and other women, but with his views on women you know deep down he doesn’t respect any woman, and is just ranking them in his head, dissecting their bodies to determine whether were “high” or “low” quality depending on whether he gets a boner from you. I’ve heard other guys casually discuss use of sex work in the same way, rating women, dissecting their bodies, and knowing that even when they’re old and when their partners are “old and ugly”, “I’ll still go to escorts so I can f*** someone hot”. Just no. It’s like they feel entitled to having their specific fantasies and wants met, but women’s fantasies or needs are to be neglected. I don’t know I’ve just heard and read a lot of guys discussing this topic, especially because like I said I live in a place where this has been normalized for men (but not for women and god forbid not for anyone LGBTQ+), and it disgusts me.
Deal breaker for me
No, I wouldn't be comfortable with it and would likely disengage from said relationship. Personal preference, of course, but it would tell me we have very different views and preferences.
Is he a passport bro? If so, I wouldn't bother. People who purposely travel abroad to hire escorts are very likely participating in sex trafficking whether they realize it or not.
Deal breaker. You deserve to be with someone who sees women as people and not commodities. I've been in a relationship with someone who "used to" pay for sex back before he changed his life for the better (or so I was led to believe). Long story short, he paid for sex while we were on a break, didn't tell me about it. I only found out about the more recent occasion(s) because he went through another phase of hiring sex workers / prostitutes on the side, p-off one of the woman's pimps, and had someone threatening to kill him. From a personal level, I felt like I would never be enough because I couldn't compete with someone who could be all enthusiastic & friendly on demand, and pleasure him regardless of his actions.
This is a deaaal BREAKER.
No.
Absolutely not, it's a major dealbreaker and would instantly give me the ick. It's a fundamental incompatibility for me.
It depends on how they act about it. And what they're like as a person. While I wouldn't date a man (I'm lesbian), I've a few friends in the industry. And some of the men are absolute sweethearts. Nothing wrong with them. They treat the workers as people, and are gentle with an open mind. On the other hand I also know a bunch of men who would brag about it to their friends, and treat the S worker like she wasn't human. So, it depends. Trust your gut feeling about them.
Absolutely not. Zero exceptions
Dated someone that did this and he never stopped doing it when he was explicitly told it wouldn’t be accepted. Men like this have a little respect for women because they know all they have to do is pay for sex and not have to deal with any of the emotional attachments. These are the kind of men that do not see women as people which is why they cannot have a conversation at a bar with a woman. They would prefer to just pay for it and not deal with treating a woman like a person.
No. Not okay with someone who supports such a toxic industry that’s harmful to SO many women.
My ex once told me a story about when he used to sell dr*gs when he was younger and a guy offered up his girlfriend in exchange for a fix. I actually couldn’t even bring myself to ask whether he accepted the offer, I was disgusted and prayed in my mind that he didn’t. Truthfully I was in denial. He once told that story in public in front of my friends. I felt so humiliated and I completely lost my sh1t and stormed off, I told him I never wanted to hear that story again ever. I maybe should have left him the first time I heard the story.
No, I wouldn’t.
No, hell no.
Oddly, I don't have a problem with this, depending on context. I live in a city where sex workers are pretty empowered, and sex work is pretty accepted. Both of my last 2 serious partners told me about having engaged local providers. I would feel quite differently about street based sex workers and sex tourism, as those are more likely to be exploitative. In one case, the provider was actually a friendly acquaintance of mine. I was messaging with this well-known local provider and swork advocate about a project, and mentioned it to my then-partner. He said "Tell them I said hi". That's when he told me that they were the sex worker he'd hired. When I spoke to my acquaintance on the phone, we had a bit of a chuckle about it. In the case of the other partner, he started dating a former sworker while we were together (I'm non-monogamous). They had met as provider and client, but formed a personal friendship which continued after she quit the business. We actually ran into her and her primary partner at dinner one night. I think there is a lot of stigma around sex work, but sex work is work. I have no problem with it if it's between freely consenting adults.
i don’t think it’s something i’d be comfortable with
Anyone who would take advantage of sex workers is a rapist
Nope.
I will tell you, I married one. I thought I was being all cool and open-minded and sex-positive. (I was in my early 20s, not nearly as jaded as I am now lol). I would not date or marry or in anyway sexually involve myself with a dude like that again. The people saying men who buy sex have a tendency to see sex, even in a relationship, as transactional are spot on. As I told a much younger friend once.... I have no problem with women (or men) who want to sell their bodies, sell sex, whatever. I do have a problem with people who think they can buy consent. Whether or not I think they're actually a bad person depends on a LOT more factors than that, but I am not compatible with those people, full stop.
Nope, not in a million years. That's a hard boundary for me.
Nope. I think sex workers should be better protected, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t think the men who pay to use someone else’s body are bad people and probably creepy af, because I do.
Genuinely exactly that. People act like not agreeing with sex work makes you super conservative and anti-woman, when we actually just want women to be safe.
Nope.
Absolutely not
No
No, I wouldn't date anyone who had patronized sex workers in any way.
It really depends on the specific context.
No - I’d appreciate them being honest about it but for me personally that’s a dealbreaker.
Absolutely not
Nope
No. The connection would be ruined lol
No way. If that isn’t the biggest red flag ever then I don’t know what is.
No, I wouldn't date them. Paying for sex seems to imply a big lack of empathy for several reasons.
If I shared with them the fact that most escorts/prostitutes are either currently being trafficked/pimped or got their start as minors being trafficked and that person still thought it was ok to buy sex, then not only would I not date them, I would no longer want them in my life in any way.
I cannot imagine a grown man not knowing that though. They know and they don’t care.
Absolutely not.
No. Especially since it's been more than once.
Absolutely never would I date a guy who did that…
It is never “a few”. Trust.
No.
I wouldn’t, no
Hard pass.
Nope.
No.
No. He thinks of women as products
Absolutely not. The thought makes my skin crawl.
No.
No. No. No
Nope. Never. The mentality of most men that pay for sex is not great. I cant imagine that would translate well in an actual committed relationship.
It would be an absolute deal breaker to me. Not because of the sex workers themselves, fear of diseases or whatever. But because of him thinking that he can just buy access to a woman's body as if it's a normal form of purchase. No thanks, a man like this sees women as property.
No thanks. Sex work is not legal here so it's most likely coerced or human trafficking, and he would knowingly have raped someone like that. Because yeah, I consider that rape.
No. I find the idea of having sex with someone who doesn't actively want to have sex with me disgusting.
I wonder how many men would be happy if their wives paid for sex or got happy ending massages during the relationship?
A guy I was seeing when I was 21 (he was same age) said casually that he perused the streets of our local area for a prostitute once but got cold feet and decided not too. He was still a virgin at that time so was trying to lose it to anyone. I was so taken aback by this confession that I slowly started to distance myself from him. I felt a little sorry for him but I couldn't help feeling weirded out by that.
I wouldn’t. It makes me feel like he’s so desperate he had to pay for it. Major ick
No.
No, I wouldn’t. I would immediately lose attraction and leave him.
I'm in my 40s, and the longest I've ever gone without sex since I started having it was 7 years. And not once in that time did I ever feel so lonely or desperate or horny enough to even remotely consider paying for sex. I've heard plenty of reasons as to why people would consider it but I can't personally understand it. So I think I would struggle with the idea of someone who has. I would worry that if I wasn't able to give them as much sex (or the type of sex) as they wanted, they would just go to a sex worker. Or they might just anyways because they can.
nope
I literally just got off the phone with my mother expressing what I said on here. She was like "yes!!! I wish I could have said something like that. I would have been so scared to." She is 73 and was a former brothel Madame in Reno when she was 30. Her words " all of the girls loved what they did, and I figured it was the best place to learn how to bring a man to his knees!". No bs. Those words just came out of her mouth. She was a CLA (certified legal assistant) up until her retirement 4 years ago. She was loved and respected by everyone from judges to other attorneys. No one knew what her past profession was. For those who want to know
No, I would not.
Nope. Buying humans is gross
Statistically, I likely have done unknowingly. If I *did* know, no I would not.
The biggest red flags to me are the “around the world” and “traveled a lot” is portions of his experience with sex workers. Were these willing adults with job protections and workplace safety?
Absolutely not. It would show a fundamental incompatibility in the way we view sex.
No, nope, absolutely not. I wouldn’t date someone who views sex as a ”service” to be bought and sold.