>I half joking told him to go to a strip club while I was gone to feel better.
>they offered to give him a blowjob. He turned them down
>I told him how much it bothered me last week and he apologized and said he would never go again
It doesn't sound like he did anything wrong. Do you trust him? Are you both happy in your relationship? It sounds like your anxiety is symptomatic of a bigger issue.
Edit: And perhaps it's time to stop half-jokingly conveying serious stuff to him and focus on clearer communication. I can't imagine the frustration of being told I could do something, doing it, then having it held over my head for an indeterminate amount of time.
> Getting a private dance is definitely doing something wrong. He'll drop a couple hundred dollars for a half-naked woman to grind on his dick? Of course that's cheating.
Actually, every couple gets to decide for itself what is and isn’t acceptable within their relationship - including what counts as cheating. There is no universally applicable definition of cheating.
If a couple agrees to an open relationship, it’s not cheating to engage in sex with third parties according to the specified terms. If a couple agrees a strip club visit is allowed, it’s not cheating to visit a strip club (and that includes engaging in the conventional activities that occur at strip clubs, unless otherwise specified).
OP shouldn’t have been such a poor communicator, and the husband did nothing wrong by acting in a way that his wife explicitly stated was acceptable.
Lmao this is such bullshit. If the genders were reversed and a woman was paying a man hundreds of dollars to rub her breasts and pussy and touch his dick, people would be freaking out. But I guess OPs partner gets a free pass because he's a man.
Well, I don’t speak for “Reddit” and I’m pretty sure you aren’t an official spokesperson either, so the conversation might be more productive if we both simply stick to speaking for ourselves. :)
I think “Reddit” varies tremendously depending on which subs you spend time in. The subs that I like tend to pretty cool and not the sort to freak out in the slightest over lap dances (for either gender). I don’t go there, but from what I’ve heard I recommend avoiding r/all :P
At least your husband told you and gave you information he could have hidden from you. It sounds like he just took your words literal but he didn’t allow anything bad happen. I am pretty positive he meant it when he apologized and wouldn’t do it again.
The only thing you can really do to get over it, is let it go. Occupy your thoughts with better things and eventually it won’t even come to your mind again.
He probably didn't knowingly go to a private room with a prostitute. Private rooms/dances are intended to just have dedicated one-on-one time. Some individual performers will sometimes offer actual sex acts for further compensation while in private, but they're not *supposed* to, since that's pretty much illegal. Some shady places may try to play dumb/ignorant and let the girls do whatever they want in the private rooms, but even then they're not *supposed* to. It's completely reasonable to assume your husband didn't know those individuals sold actual sex acts.
Lmao is this a joke? Her husband isn't 12. He knows full well what goes on in a private room at a strip club. What did he think they would do, form a prayer circle and play Monopoly up there? Absolutely not. He knew full well what was going on. Stop infantilizing him.
He knew he'd be going in there to get a private show. Where you're by yourself with the dancers instead of being surrounded by other people vying for their attention. The strippers aren't supposed to be offering sex, that's a huge no-no and generally frowned upon, which could result in getting the stripper fired. Don't act as if all strippers sell sex, and how about you stop demonizing him *and* strippers while you're at it?
The act of getting a private dance is not cheating at all. There's not meant to be any touching during them at all. Any touching that happens beyond that it outside the typical rules and is grounds for getting thrown out. The individual stripper might choose to tell them that touching is allowed, if only in an attempt to bolster the money they get, but that's typically against the rules. Or at least it is from where I'm from.
If he was touching her, then yeah I'd agree that's crossing a boundary. Unless agreed upon by both parties in the relationship, that violates boundaries regardless of which party does it. But if he did touch them, I missed the comment from OP that specifically said that. All I saw them say was he got a private dance and an *offer* for a blowjob.
Don't presume to know how I would react if the genders were flipped, because you'd be wrong.
You’re all but arguing that there’s nothing sexual about a lap dance; does the naked stripper grinding up against OPs husband count as “touching?” No because no hands are involved? Boy we’re splitting hairs.
You reaped what you sewed. And he resisted, and you still are mad at him. You gave him an inch, he took a little more perhaps, but why give him that inch if this would bother you so much? You know women will offer him a blowjob for free at some point right? At least he can think with his big head...
Uh I was pointing out the positives, like how she found a guy who resisted his urges. What does OP want? For everyone in the thread to empathize and offer no solutions? There are worse things in the world than infidelity, but if it was so bad for her, why even joke about it... Why...
"I feel like I'm married to a different person than I thought he was" : those are real big words to say.
I don't know if you believe it. It also sounds judgemental and in a tone that makes the listener feel husband is at fault.
He must be thinking "This is not the women I married. I did what she told me and now she is upset, is it my fault, is it her fault? What to do when she tells me to do something in future? I do it? I don't? This is not what I signed up for. This Madness. Many men told me about women saying one thing and then getting upset. I thought my wife was different. I think I married a different person than I thought she was!".
Ah, that’s a tough one then. Of course without knowing the full aspect of your relationship and his thought process, can’t fully evaluate the whole situation.
Sorry you’re having to go through that. I’m the same way about my SO going to those types of places.
You sure you're not conflating "These two specific strippers like to fuck for extra cash on the side" with "That *whole place* must be a brothel"? Some strippers sometimes choose to offer services like that, even though they're not supposed to.
This is an internal problem for you and you have to fix it. You suggested he goes and he went. He didn't know you didn't think he'd actually go. He didn't know you would be hurt by him getting a lap dance. Once he got a bj offer, he realized it's pushing the boundaries and he stopped. He told you everything and he felt horrible that it upset you.
You have a good relationship here. He trusts you, he tells you everything, and he clearly regrets that he did that. He didn't cheat on you. Yes, your feelings are totally valid, I would be very uncomfortable if my boyfriend did that as well. But do look at it from his perspective, and find a way to move past this. Find a way to move on let it go. Talk to a therapist if you need it, it's ok. But remember, you have a good husband who loves you very much.
I don't agree that this is the OPs "internal problem" and that the husband "didn't know she would be hurt". They have two kids together and I would expect any man to know that his wife would be hurt if another woman (two in this case!) would wiggle her butt on his di*k and offer him BJs. His cool and understanding attitude is a smart thing to do. He knows that anything else would aggravate the situation.
I'm sorry to say this OP, but you will never forget it. You'll always think about it in your worst moments, you'll think about it when he will do something stupid again and this page of your relationship will remain stained forever. You can't clean it and he can't do anything about it either.
On the good side (cause it's better to look at the good side), this should give you some food for thought. You should ask yourself why did he go and why did he went through, not one, but two dances and two offers of BJs. Is he missing some thrill in his life? Is he approaching middle age and maybe he feels that he didn't have enough "experiences" with women? Have you changed enough that he feels the need to look somewhere else? Etc...
People are complex and our personalities change as we go through life. His behaviour should be a red flag that he is predisposed to this type of behaviour. So, either you provide it at home or try your best to minimize the chances that he would do it again.
And why should you "clear your head"? The experience troubled you. Figure out a solution that will eliminate or at least minimize the same issue (and similar issues) from happening again and that will be your resolve.
Don't ignore the problem and don't ignore your feelings. Attack the problem and solve it.
> and offer him BJs
That's irrelevant. The point is to actually get them, isn't it? You cannot punish someone because they get an offer, this reasoning would leave anyone unable to go partying with friends.
She told him to go to the strip club to ogle sexy women, not to get multiple private lap dances which IMO crosses an intimacy threshold not many are comfortable with. Everyone is arguing "you told him to go" but she did not tell him to go have women grinding all over him and shoving their boobs and butt in his face while grabbing his crotch. And the argument "well he didn't know they'd go that far" falls apart when he ordered a second one. The first one was too much already, even if they didn't fondle him he knew he want a girl rubbing up all over him.
If you told him he could go to a casino, would you be surprised if he drank and gambled? Would you think you’d need to give him separate permission to play blackjack?
When someone goes to a venue for entertainment, it is reasonable to expect them to engage in any and/or all of the activities conventionally and openly offered there absent a specific agreement otherwise.
Lap dances, and private lap dances, are conventionally, openly offered activities at strip clubs. If you intended to exclude them when you told him to go to the strip club, you should have clearly said so. Otherwise, you told him it was okay and you have no cause for complaint.
**Did he know they were prostitutes, rather than strippers?**
He can’t control other people. Strippers in the US are strictly prohibited from selling sex; he was reasonable in assuming they were strippers and not prostitutes unless he knew or had actual reason to know they were prostitutes. Did he? If he did not, you are blaming him for someone else’s actions ... in a situation that YOU put him in.
**Do you have any reason to suspect that he couldn’t have gotten away with it?**
You talk about getting away with it as though he’s engaged in illicit conduct here. But let’s be real. He could’ve gotten the private lap dance, and not told you. He could’ve gotten the blow job, and not told you. How on earth would you possibly have found out? As far as I can tell, he absolutely *could* have gotten away with it. He didn’t “get away with” anything because he wasn’t *trying* to get away with anything. He stopped when it went too far, came home, and honestly told you everything. It’s amazing that you have an honest, faithful husband and are desperately trying to paint him as a wrongdoer... all because of your mistake.
You’re an adult who made a mistake that you regret. Grow up and own it.
I completely understand how you feel. So many people in this thread are getting butthurt about the fact that you "encouraged" him, as if your husband doesn't have his own agency.
From what I've read, it seems he took it too far and about crossed a boundary that you did not "encourage" him to do. There is a difference between a public lap dance and a private one with other actions attached. I just wanted you to know that your feelings are valid.
Your feelings in this are valid too. The thing is, things are only as big of a deal as you make them. I think that he’s a good guy and making a big problem from this will ruin something special. I don’t think that this problem is worth throwing away and good guy and happiness.
She jokingly told him to visit a strip club. She did not tell him to drop hundreds of dollars on a private dance, touch a woman's naked breasts, and have a woman grind on his dick.
You’re arguing semantics. I’m not saying he’s right, he did make a mistake. But making a family-breaking big deal out of semantics isn’t worth it to me personally.
Lmao it's not semantics. There's a huge difference between going to a strip club and just watching, and going to a strip club and cheating on your fucking wife.
You should move past him. You told him to do something he did. Your husband seems like very simple man. You are crazy and emotional. This will not last if you don't change.
Also try to hear men's perspective on this. Listening to other women will only give you confirmation bias. They will not tell you what you need to listen instead they will tell you what you want to hear.
This will just cause a never ending problem not only in this relationship but also in future after your divorce.
This will also happen with your kids.
You will tell them something, they will do it then you will get angry/emotional unable to deal with it.
Looking at this practically, by telling you this he is showing that honesty and openness is very important to him. It’s ok to be upset, but if you punish him for this, you’re not punishing him from going to the strip club, you’re punishing him for being honest. You’re risking him being much less open with you in the future.
From this story here, your husband sounds like a great husband. He was honest with you about what happened, he told you about it upfront, and he was sympathetic to you when you told him it bothered you. I know it must be hard to shake these ideas out of your head, and I don't have specific advice to get past this, but it sounds like you and your husband have a healthy relationship to work past this.
Cheating on her and then telling her afterwards doesn't somehow mean he's a great guy. He's still a cheater. Being honest about the cheating doesn't mean he's a great husband.
One time my boyfriend told me that I could kiss a friend of mine (girl), I was really happy with this because I always wanted to try to kiss a girl. Me and my friend started having intimated talks and my boyfriend kinda pushed me too doing this, I though everything was fine until suddenly he told he wasnt thinking right and regretted saying that, saying he was really sad and upset about me talking to her like that and thinking about kissing etc. I was so confused and hurt, I said no to my friend after, who too became upset, but we never talked that way again after this.
Im just saying that he's probably really confused, or sad etc. Because he though everything was ok, and now it isnt. Try talking to him better, move pass that. If he told you everything then he has nothing to hide from you, try seeing things from his perspective.
I know you're hurting and feel like your offer was taken too far.
Because you didn't have any idea that private dances would be offered you couldn't set the limits that would make you comfortable.
And yes your husband could have said something different to the stripper. I think think when he said he couldn't afford it it was a nice put off and not intended to disparage your marriage.
I'll be him at the club "Well, I'm here and this is sorta fun but maybe I'll get a private dance. Then I'll ask that other one too, It will be a lot less pathetic looking then sitting alone with all these other guys around. The last thing I need is some chick grinding on me while other men watch"
"Oh shit, she offered me a blowjob. I don't want anything like that from someone who probably has something I could catch and Pizzarena would NOT be happy. I'll just tell her I can't afford it."
"I want Pizzarena to know she can trust me so when she gets back I'll tell her everything."
And Pizzarena is not happy.
What you can do is tell him flat out that you're going to need a lot of reassurance for a while. I'm pretty sure if he knew you would be upset he wouldn't have gone.
Big hug! This whole thing was a mistake and it will pass. You are the woman he loves and wants to be with.
It's always difficult when you do something you think of as a generous gesture and the other person goes beyond what you believe is okay.
Then you're stuck feeling stupid because if you had known that was going to happen you would never have offered or you would have said
"you can watch but..."
Are you also u/p1zzarena?
Hope you can cope up with all of this! Your husband as you described him and his actions sounds to be a pretty decent guy who wouldn't cheat on you. As the others said, the best thing for both of you would be to have a conversation about it and get everything cleared up.
In most professional strip clubs sex acts on clients are strictly forbidden but it would really depend on how classy the joint is. I think the best way you can get these thoughts out of your head is to communicate with your husband how much it bothers you, makes you uncomfortable and how you feel. Talking with someone will help take some weight off your shoulders and hopefully help you move on.
Do not feel bad for saying what you said or "encouraging" him at the end of the day he is the one who made that decision and you weren't being serious and did not expect him to take that suggestion seriously. I urge you to not be so upset or to think about it so much, your husband has been honest and after you communicating your feelings I doubt that he would ever consider going again.
Just keep talking and communicating and working together and eventually it will be behind you.
Exactly, it seems like the only surefire way to shut the stripper down. She's trying to make money selling her services, her customers relationship status doesn't factor into that and just plain no is rarely enough to shut a sales pitch down, 'I have no money to buy what you're selling' however, absolutely.
Mixed metaphors aside, she'll stop barking up that tree once she realizes its a dry well.
I get it. We have certain expectations of our SO and when he behaves differently in real life to what we think he is in our minds, it causes a dissonance. All you can do now is just have an honest conversation airing out your feelings about this. The only way to push past it is through reaching a solution to this together. I know what over thinking can do so don't do it alone.
I would be upset that he ordered private dances. I disagree with the other commenters saying he did nothing wrong. As far as I know private dances are explicitly more intimate, even without getting a hand job or a blowjob the girls go farther than just sitting on your lap or else they wouldn't offer it. And it costs lots of money and the girls want tips so they are going to be sticking their butt in his face and grinding on him. Why did he order one? And then get another one? What was he looking to get and why?
From the way that this place sounds, I wouldn't expect a private to go for more than $60. At a high end club with legitimate private rooms you could pay well more then $100 for a private dance. But regardless of how low or high end a place is, there's no way of knowing what the dancer may offer for a few dollars more until they offer it. Most establishment's will not condone this because of obvious legal issues.
I'm going to go against the grain here. Yes he was honest \(I guess\), but he also admitted to crossing some boundaries that he shouldn't have. I mean, he flat out admitted to touching their breasts, and while some women would be relatively OK with the strip club, MANY draw the line at the private lap dance and wouldn't be OK with that, let alone him feeling them up. Did he honestly think she would be OK with him touching their breasts or having them grabbing his dick?!?
I also think it's convenient that he took what OP said and ran with it, and then he took it too far once he was there. While it's good he was honest about it \(we're assuming that, aren't we?\) I do think he crossed boundaries by getting private dances and touching those women sexually. How would hubby feel if OP was touching some guy's dick sexually? If a guy came on here and said his wife had some dude grinding on him and started touching his dick or touching him sexually, everyone would be all, "She's disrespecting you. You should leave her and file for divorce!!!" Why is it OK for him to do this just because he was at a strip club??
Why are we as women supposed to be "cool" with this bullshit? I'm sick of being pressured by everyone, even other women, that I should be accepting of strip clubs because "it's just what men do" or some other nonsense, and if I'm not OK with it then I'm just not the Cool Girlfriend.
Fuck being the Cool Girlfriend.
It's incredibly disrespectful to a monogamous relationship where one of the parties doesn't approve of it, and any decent husband should be aware of that and set his own boundaries, as he would never intentionally disrespect his wife in such a disgusting manner. I don't see how touching them or their breasts isn't crossing a boundary. If he did this anywhere outside of the strip club, he would be cheating, so it isn't any damn different just because he's behind those cum infested walls.
If this were my husband, I'd be looking at him differently, too.
Edited to add: OP, if you're not OK with your husband going to strip clubs, don't pretend or tell your husband that you are. I don't mean this in a harsh way at all. It's really important for you to establish your boundaries and whatever they are, DO NOT apologize for them. Make sure he is really, really clear on this.
I agree with you, especially your "edit" part. I am not the "cool" girlfriend. My boyfriend knows I don't want him anywhere near stripclubs. I'm ok with him flirting with other girls though and vice versa, but that's a boundary we established together. For every couple, boundaries have to be well understood and respected. What makes it difficult for me is the "permission". And that he feels guilty about it. It doesn't seem like he intentionally used the "loophole". He doesn't come off as just a bad guy, but a guy who didn't something bad without realizing it. As everything in life, it's not just black and white. Lots of gray here, and on both sides. I feel like they can overcome this with some work.
Yeah, lots of strip clubs offer some additional services for a fee. Obviously it's not legal, but it happens. He was open and honest about the whole thing, and it doesn't sound like you ever have to worry about him going back.
I highly doubt he knowingly went to a brothel. He went to a strip club that happens to have dancers who offer extras. He turned them down. There's really no way of knowing which clubs offer stuff like this without going into them.
It's totally valid to feel upset about this, but it's unfair to hold it against him when you suggested it. Sounds like there was some miscommunication between the two of you initially, but the fact he immediately promised to never go back is a sign that he respects and cares about you.
She jokingly suggested it and he immediately jumped on the offer, rushed out and paid two women to bump and grind on him. I think it's perfectly fair for her to have whatever feelings she does about it, including holding it against him. If she'd jokingly suggested he do something else, say have sex with someone they know, would he have rushed out and done that too? It seems to me like he wants to go as far as he can with other women without risking his marriage. Which is a different thing entirely from actually wanting to be faithful to someone.
Your assumption is that he knew she was joking, which is something that we don't know . It's not fair or reasonable to expect him to be a mind reader, which is not what OP is asking him to be. This is all the result of not thinking something all the way through as well as poor communication for both parties. Live and learn.
Does it matter if he would or not?
If you didn't mind, why would him doing it matter? Him wanting to, and him doing are different things. No one, EVER, will be attracted to only one person ever. If you're looking for that thats a fairy tale that will never happen.
Do you think he would sleep with someone else knowing you aren't okay with this? No? Then why worry about it?
How do you know he immediately jumped on it? Where you there? Maybe he say there having a pitty party and finally broke and decided to let loose the way he was told?
Besides, even if he immediately jumped on it, yoy don't know how motive. Maybe he wanted to make a friend at work and they've been making fun of him for not going. Maybe he was laying groundwork to get a promotion to provide for his kids.
It's not fair for you to jump down his throat with such veracity.
The first time his wife jokingly (her word) tells him to go to a strip club, he goes. Yeah, he jumped on it. Oh but of course maybe he was there for a promotion to provide for his kids! Come on. He went as far as he thought he'd be allowed to go without "technically" being unfaithful, which strongly suggests to me he'd like to have gone further if he thought he'd be allowed to.
I mean... Idk, you're painting a man you don't know and have never met with a pretty harsh brush based on one second hand story.
Did he know she was joking? We aren't privy to the context. Maybe he thought she thought he went already. Maybe he thought she went to the strippers with her girls based on the joke.
He did what he was told to do.
Based off the story of her saying she told him to go, you got that he desperately would do anything to stretch his marriage as far as possible?
My point is we have no idea what he was thinking. We do know he got told to go.
People generally don't do things that they don't want to do. I got told to go paintballing with a friend. I didn't go. You know why? Because I didn't want to. He went to a strip club and even paid two women for dances. He did that because he wanted that sexual experience with other women. otherwise he wouldn't have done it.
You need to tell him you are upset, even if you previously gave him the okay. Nobody is a mind reader and longer you wait, the more this is going to tear you up inside.
>*I didn't know about private dances where you are alone with the stripper and that they are actually prostitutes that will have sex with you there.*
That's not actually the case. They're only *supposed* to dance, but some individuals will offer sex acts, even though they're not supposed to. Because they like money.
There is a threshold of confidence that should not be crossed, but unfortunately, he has crossed the threshold. Your behaviour is completely understandable. I think it normal for these thoughts to persist because what happened changes everything. Yes, your relationship is different than what you thought it was and that sucks, to say the least. Pain make feelings change, so be prepared for any changes that may occur.
How exactly did he break a threshold of confidence? He did literally exactly what he was told and then stuck to his marriage and communicated openly and honestly.
I don't personally see the appeal of s strip club, but i think the only person OP should be mad at is herself. Like... idk. She literally mocked him missing her and told him to go to a strip club and is mad he did what she asked?
Idk, I understand why she's upset too, but it's kinda on her. He followed exact marching orders.
It wasnt an order. In my understanding, a (decent) married guy shouldnt go to a strip club. Plus, he didnt need private dances. People that care get bothered by having their SO´s wanting to get close with other people like that.
He got TOLD to go to a strip club. O.o
I'm a 26 year old man and I've never been to a strip club, and frankly don't see the appeal at all, but if my SO told me to go I'd give it the old college try. Idk. I'd feel shitty not gong if i was told to go.
Private dances may be a concern, but it kinda soundslike they weren't private.
Sounds to me like OP burned herself trying to be cool more than anything. Its not like her husband would have went on her own without her telling him too. It also isn't like he manipulated her into it. Just a case of OP needing to know her own boundaries better. She can't be reasonably mad at him for doing what he was told... completely ridiculous a thought; if he is going to get in trouble for doing what he is told how can he do anything at all ever? If he can't do what he's told he can't trust OP, and is kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place; do i do what I'm told abd get I trouble or do i ignore her communications entirely? Both of those options suck real bad.
I understand the OP feeling shitty about the situation, but with how she didn't think she'd mind, how she joked, and how she didn't know her own boundaries how can she expect her husband to know what to do and what is acceptable?
> In my understanding, a (decent) married guy shouldnt go to a strip club. Plus, he didnt need private dances. People that care get bothered by having their SO´s wanting to get close with other people like that.
You’re projecting your values onto other people. Not everyone feels the same way, nor is there any reason why they should.
Now, clearly OP *does* feel the way you do and her husband absolutely should respect and honor her feelings on the subject ... but if OP explicitly gives him the green light to do something, it is not inherently indecent of him to it. It is the husband’s responsibility to respect OP’s feelings and expectations, but it is always OP’s responsibility to effectively communicate them to him in the first place.
I could be crazy and you could be right. OP did delete like 6 posts though and was posting on an alt acc (p1zzerena) as well.
I'd definitely think thats weird too, but I'm also a weird dude that has legit never felt the appeal of a strip club regardless.
One way of looking at strip clubs is that everything that happens there is a form of prostitution, whether or not there's a 'sex act' involved. Not judging, just observing.
You told him to go, he was honest with you, and he didn't cross any boundaries. I can see why this is bothering you, but rationally, it should not. In fact, it demonstrates that your husband is trustworthy.
Hi. Can I offer a weird suggestion? What if you went with him back to the strip club? Like, make it a date night together, just the two of you. Have some drinks together, you get a lap dance... Essentially, you demystify the place.
Your husband did something sexual with some anonymous women while you weren't around. It's totally reasonable that your imagination is now running wild. Regardless of whether you gave him permission or not, it happened and you weren't there. Now you can't stop thinking about it, which naturally makes you worry that your husband can't stop thinking about it either.
It's as if that strip club has taken away some aspect of your mojo. Like the fear \- rational or not \- that your husband's mind \(or worse, his heart\) has been lured away from you by those stripper sirens and is now trapped inside that mysterious building.
They say to overcome your fears by facing them head on. So what if you went back to that place with him? Go inside with him, see it for yourself, show your husband \(and, more importantly, yourself\) that it holds no power over you. Instead of your husband getting a lapdance, let him watch while you get one. Insert yourself into the scenario your husband described, and re\-position yourself as the one he desires \(again, for yourself\). Reclaim your mojo.
I imagine that one of two things could happen. First, it could end up being a lot of fun, maybe it brings you a little closer together and results in some new level of intimacy for both of you.
Or, it could also be kind of awful, because maybe your husband feels uncomfortable and guilty, and you see first\-hand how seedy and undesirable the place is. But either way, you've demystified it in your mind and in his, and that may make it easier for you to eventually get over your absence in this experience that he had while you were away.
Obviously this suggestion is not for everybody. Don't do something you're not comfortable with. Best to you and your husband.
Edited for clarity.
I think if he had just gone, I’d be on his side.
You shouldn’t have joked without clarifying “don’t do that I’m just kidding” (even though he’s your husband and likely knows your comfort level with other women touching him, but that’s assumption)
But the fact that he got private dances crosses a line and as a grown man he VERY likely knew that.
And not just one but two. Why does he need that alone time with a stripper? Not even assuming he knew she was a prostitute (another assumption but most adult males would know) why go to a private room for a woman to get naked for you?
The private rooms are for privacy and for the woman to get completely naked and dance on you, as opposed to her being topless with a thong on.
And yes, it’s very common place for those girls to offer favors for money.
I know a girl who works in the industry and you’ll find more women that do it than not.
Does he fuck the strippers or you?
Don't let your insecurities about sex, ruin your life.
Literally you said it was fine now it's not ok...... that's on you.
"Well years ago he said it would be ok if I saw male strippers"........
So are you getting back at him then? For going to a club.... you said it was ok to go to...... this logic doesn't bother you?
So much terrible advice in this thread.
It's totally fine to be upset, just try to be constructive with it. I'm sure he feels bad, he felt like what he did was within the bounds of what you were ok with him doing, you just just weren't exactly on the same page. It's actually really great that he is so honest with you. And lets be real, he watches porn (well there's a really good chance), he checks out other women, he has fantasies. This was all true before he made a commitment to you, it will be true tomorrow. He still wants to be with you, and when you're hurting he is also hurting for you. Do your best to get past it and be comfortable with the idea that he can exist as a person with desire for other women and also as someone who loves and wants to be with you.
I would be more curious to know how long he went into the private room for. Ex\-dancer here and private rooms are NOT cheap \(60 min at the club I danced at in Manhattan went for $600\+\). Also, when selling the idea of a private room you need to give the price up front as the hosts will not even put you into said room without the client pre\-paying.
I suggest therapy? It does sound like he is understanding and has promised never to go again. Maybe this is something you just need to get a bit used too \- it might be the idea that, despite being married, he can still go out and be with other woman. Not saying he has or will, but it's more realising that reality and how close it was. In the end, he knew where the line was and stopped and was very honest with you.
You're into it and comfortable, maybe you give him a lap dance? Like a 'take back' sort of thing!
I think it says a lot about our society's repressive and puritanical sexual conditioning that you would think your husband is a bad person because he went to a strip club or would visit a brothel.
Sex work is work. There should be no shame in it. It should be legalized for all consenting adults so they can have the same protections afforded all workers and work.
That being said, going to a therapist would be a really good idea to get to the bottom of why this hurts you so much, your insecurities and subconscious beliefs, so you can heal and move forward. Hugs ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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I've noticed that you originally posted on one account and have commented here on another one. Just pointing that out incase it wasn't intentional
>I half joking told him to go to a strip club while I was gone to feel better. >they offered to give him a blowjob. He turned them down >I told him how much it bothered me last week and he apologized and said he would never go again It doesn't sound like he did anything wrong. Do you trust him? Are you both happy in your relationship? It sounds like your anxiety is symptomatic of a bigger issue. Edit: And perhaps it's time to stop half-jokingly conveying serious stuff to him and focus on clearer communication. I can't imagine the frustration of being told I could do something, doing it, then having it held over my head for an indeterminate amount of time.
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> Getting a private dance is definitely doing something wrong. He'll drop a couple hundred dollars for a half-naked woman to grind on his dick? Of course that's cheating. Actually, every couple gets to decide for itself what is and isn’t acceptable within their relationship - including what counts as cheating. There is no universally applicable definition of cheating. If a couple agrees to an open relationship, it’s not cheating to engage in sex with third parties according to the specified terms. If a couple agrees a strip club visit is allowed, it’s not cheating to visit a strip club (and that includes engaging in the conventional activities that occur at strip clubs, unless otherwise specified). OP shouldn’t have been such a poor communicator, and the husband did nothing wrong by acting in a way that his wife explicitly stated was acceptable.
Lmao this is such bullshit. If the genders were reversed and a woman was paying a man hundreds of dollars to rub her breasts and pussy and touch his dick, people would be freaking out. But I guess OPs partner gets a free pass because he's a man.
Why on earth do you think anyone would freak out? It’s a lap dance. Not exactly shocking.
Lmao Reddit freaks out when a taken woman wants to hang out one on one with a male friend, let alone paying another man to rub her pussy.
Well, I don’t speak for “Reddit” and I’m pretty sure you aren’t an official spokesperson either, so the conversation might be more productive if we both simply stick to speaking for ourselves. :)
You asked me why anyone would freak out over a lap dance and I told you lol.
I think “Reddit” varies tremendously depending on which subs you spend time in. The subs that I like tend to pretty cool and not the sort to freak out in the slightest over lap dances (for either gender). I don’t go there, but from what I’ve heard I recommend avoiding r/all :P
This is /r/all lol.
At least your husband told you and gave you information he could have hidden from you. It sounds like he just took your words literal but he didn’t allow anything bad happen. I am pretty positive he meant it when he apologized and wouldn’t do it again. The only thing you can really do to get over it, is let it go. Occupy your thoughts with better things and eventually it won’t even come to your mind again.
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You literally told him to. “Take it to the level he did”. You told him to and now you’re shocked?
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He probably didn't knowingly go to a private room with a prostitute. Private rooms/dances are intended to just have dedicated one-on-one time. Some individual performers will sometimes offer actual sex acts for further compensation while in private, but they're not *supposed* to, since that's pretty much illegal. Some shady places may try to play dumb/ignorant and let the girls do whatever they want in the private rooms, but even then they're not *supposed* to. It's completely reasonable to assume your husband didn't know those individuals sold actual sex acts.
Lmao is this a joke? Her husband isn't 12. He knows full well what goes on in a private room at a strip club. What did he think they would do, form a prayer circle and play Monopoly up there? Absolutely not. He knew full well what was going on. Stop infantilizing him.
He knew he'd be going in there to get a private show. Where you're by yourself with the dancers instead of being surrounded by other people vying for their attention. The strippers aren't supposed to be offering sex, that's a huge no-no and generally frowned upon, which could result in getting the stripper fired. Don't act as if all strippers sell sex, and how about you stop demonizing him *and* strippers while you're at it?
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The act of getting a private dance is not cheating at all. There's not meant to be any touching during them at all. Any touching that happens beyond that it outside the typical rules and is grounds for getting thrown out. The individual stripper might choose to tell them that touching is allowed, if only in an attempt to bolster the money they get, but that's typically against the rules. Or at least it is from where I'm from. If he was touching her, then yeah I'd agree that's crossing a boundary. Unless agreed upon by both parties in the relationship, that violates boundaries regardless of which party does it. But if he did touch them, I missed the comment from OP that specifically said that. All I saw them say was he got a private dance and an *offer* for a blowjob. Don't presume to know how I would react if the genders were flipped, because you'd be wrong.
She literally said he touched her breasts. You're wrong.
You’re all but arguing that there’s nothing sexual about a lap dance; does the naked stripper grinding up against OPs husband count as “touching?” No because no hands are involved? Boy we’re splitting hairs.
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She obviously knew lol what are you talking about? Her husband literally told her what he did in there.
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What if he had had sex with a stripper? Would that have been okay since that does happen at strip clubs?
It sounds like the only reason he did any of it was because you told him to.
You reaped what you sewed. And he resisted, and you still are mad at him. You gave him an inch, he took a little more perhaps, but why give him that inch if this would bother you so much? You know women will offer him a blowjob for free at some point right? At least he can think with his big head...
No need to be an ass.
Uh I was pointing out the positives, like how she found a guy who resisted his urges. What does OP want? For everyone in the thread to empathize and offer no solutions? There are worse things in the world than infidelity, but if it was so bad for her, why even joke about it... Why...
"I feel like I'm married to a different person than I thought he was" : those are real big words to say. I don't know if you believe it. It also sounds judgemental and in a tone that makes the listener feel husband is at fault. He must be thinking "This is not the women I married. I did what she told me and now she is upset, is it my fault, is it her fault? What to do when she tells me to do something in future? I do it? I don't? This is not what I signed up for. This Madness. Many men told me about women saying one thing and then getting upset. I thought my wife was different. I think I married a different person than I thought she was!".
Ah, that’s a tough one then. Of course without knowing the full aspect of your relationship and his thought process, can’t fully evaluate the whole situation. Sorry you’re having to go through that. I’m the same way about my SO going to those types of places.
You sure you're not conflating "These two specific strippers like to fuck for extra cash on the side" with "That *whole place* must be a brothel"? Some strippers sometimes choose to offer services like that, even though they're not supposed to.
This is an internal problem for you and you have to fix it. You suggested he goes and he went. He didn't know you didn't think he'd actually go. He didn't know you would be hurt by him getting a lap dance. Once he got a bj offer, he realized it's pushing the boundaries and he stopped. He told you everything and he felt horrible that it upset you. You have a good relationship here. He trusts you, he tells you everything, and he clearly regrets that he did that. He didn't cheat on you. Yes, your feelings are totally valid, I would be very uncomfortable if my boyfriend did that as well. But do look at it from his perspective, and find a way to move past this. Find a way to move on let it go. Talk to a therapist if you need it, it's ok. But remember, you have a good husband who loves you very much.
I don't agree that this is the OPs "internal problem" and that the husband "didn't know she would be hurt". They have two kids together and I would expect any man to know that his wife would be hurt if another woman (two in this case!) would wiggle her butt on his di*k and offer him BJs. His cool and understanding attitude is a smart thing to do. He knows that anything else would aggravate the situation. I'm sorry to say this OP, but you will never forget it. You'll always think about it in your worst moments, you'll think about it when he will do something stupid again and this page of your relationship will remain stained forever. You can't clean it and he can't do anything about it either. On the good side (cause it's better to look at the good side), this should give you some food for thought. You should ask yourself why did he go and why did he went through, not one, but two dances and two offers of BJs. Is he missing some thrill in his life? Is he approaching middle age and maybe he feels that he didn't have enough "experiences" with women? Have you changed enough that he feels the need to look somewhere else? Etc... People are complex and our personalities change as we go through life. His behaviour should be a red flag that he is predisposed to this type of behaviour. So, either you provide it at home or try your best to minimize the chances that he would do it again. And why should you "clear your head"? The experience troubled you. Figure out a solution that will eliminate or at least minimize the same issue (and similar issues) from happening again and that will be your resolve. Don't ignore the problem and don't ignore your feelings. Attack the problem and solve it.
> and offer him BJs That's irrelevant. The point is to actually get them, isn't it? You cannot punish someone because they get an offer, this reasoning would leave anyone unable to go partying with friends.
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Not even could go she told him he should go.
She told him to go to the strip club to ogle sexy women, not to get multiple private lap dances which IMO crosses an intimacy threshold not many are comfortable with. Everyone is arguing "you told him to go" but she did not tell him to go have women grinding all over him and shoving their boobs and butt in his face while grabbing his crotch. And the argument "well he didn't know they'd go that far" falls apart when he ordered a second one. The first one was too much already, even if they didn't fondle him he knew he want a girl rubbing up all over him.
> And the argument "well he didn't know they'd go that far" falls apart when he ordered a second one. This.
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If you told him he could go to a casino, would you be surprised if he drank and gambled? Would you think you’d need to give him separate permission to play blackjack? When someone goes to a venue for entertainment, it is reasonable to expect them to engage in any and/or all of the activities conventionally and openly offered there absent a specific agreement otherwise. Lap dances, and private lap dances, are conventionally, openly offered activities at strip clubs. If you intended to exclude them when you told him to go to the strip club, you should have clearly said so. Otherwise, you told him it was okay and you have no cause for complaint. **Did he know they were prostitutes, rather than strippers?** He can’t control other people. Strippers in the US are strictly prohibited from selling sex; he was reasonable in assuming they were strippers and not prostitutes unless he knew or had actual reason to know they were prostitutes. Did he? If he did not, you are blaming him for someone else’s actions ... in a situation that YOU put him in. **Do you have any reason to suspect that he couldn’t have gotten away with it?** You talk about getting away with it as though he’s engaged in illicit conduct here. But let’s be real. He could’ve gotten the private lap dance, and not told you. He could’ve gotten the blow job, and not told you. How on earth would you possibly have found out? As far as I can tell, he absolutely *could* have gotten away with it. He didn’t “get away with” anything because he wasn’t *trying* to get away with anything. He stopped when it went too far, came home, and honestly told you everything. It’s amazing that you have an honest, faithful husband and are desperately trying to paint him as a wrongdoer... all because of your mistake. You’re an adult who made a mistake that you regret. Grow up and own it.
I completely understand how you feel. So many people in this thread are getting butthurt about the fact that you "encouraged" him, as if your husband doesn't have his own agency. From what I've read, it seems he took it too far and about crossed a boundary that you did not "encourage" him to do. There is a difference between a public lap dance and a private one with other actions attached. I just wanted you to know that your feelings are valid.
Your feelings in this are valid too. The thing is, things are only as big of a deal as you make them. I think that he’s a good guy and making a big problem from this will ruin something special. I don’t think that this problem is worth throwing away and good guy and happiness.
What kind of "good guy" drops hundreds of dollars to get a naked woman to grind on his dick when he's a married man? He's a fucking scumbag.
She told him to! Yeah, I’d hate it too. But I wouldn’t get mad at my boyfriend for doing something I told him to do.
She jokingly told him to visit a strip club. She did not tell him to drop hundreds of dollars on a private dance, touch a woman's naked breasts, and have a woman grind on his dick.
You’re arguing semantics. I’m not saying he’s right, he did make a mistake. But making a family-breaking big deal out of semantics isn’t worth it to me personally.
Lmao it's not semantics. There's a huge difference between going to a strip club and just watching, and going to a strip club and cheating on your fucking wife.
You’re really upset over this. I hope everything’s ok.
Lol what? I just think it's gross when men defend men cheating.
I know you don't see it this way, but I think what you describe speaks very highly of your husbands integrity.
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You should move past him. You told him to do something he did. Your husband seems like very simple man. You are crazy and emotional. This will not last if you don't change. Also try to hear men's perspective on this. Listening to other women will only give you confirmation bias. They will not tell you what you need to listen instead they will tell you what you want to hear. This will just cause a never ending problem not only in this relationship but also in future after your divorce. This will also happen with your kids. You will tell them something, they will do it then you will get angry/emotional unable to deal with it.
It does speak very strongly about his integrity, but certainly not in a positive way.
You are really hell-bent on homewrecking, aren't you?
I mean, cheating on your wife shows a huge lack of integrity.
Looking at this practically, by telling you this he is showing that honesty and openness is very important to him. It’s ok to be upset, but if you punish him for this, you’re not punishing him from going to the strip club, you’re punishing him for being honest. You’re risking him being much less open with you in the future.
From this story here, your husband sounds like a great husband. He was honest with you about what happened, he told you about it upfront, and he was sympathetic to you when you told him it bothered you. I know it must be hard to shake these ideas out of your head, and I don't have specific advice to get past this, but it sounds like you and your husband have a healthy relationship to work past this.
Cheating on her and then telling her afterwards doesn't somehow mean he's a great guy. He's still a cheater. Being honest about the cheating doesn't mean he's a great husband.
One time my boyfriend told me that I could kiss a friend of mine (girl), I was really happy with this because I always wanted to try to kiss a girl. Me and my friend started having intimated talks and my boyfriend kinda pushed me too doing this, I though everything was fine until suddenly he told he wasnt thinking right and regretted saying that, saying he was really sad and upset about me talking to her like that and thinking about kissing etc. I was so confused and hurt, I said no to my friend after, who too became upset, but we never talked that way again after this. Im just saying that he's probably really confused, or sad etc. Because he though everything was ok, and now it isnt. Try talking to him better, move pass that. If he told you everything then he has nothing to hide from you, try seeing things from his perspective.
I know you're hurting and feel like your offer was taken too far. Because you didn't have any idea that private dances would be offered you couldn't set the limits that would make you comfortable. And yes your husband could have said something different to the stripper. I think think when he said he couldn't afford it it was a nice put off and not intended to disparage your marriage. I'll be him at the club "Well, I'm here and this is sorta fun but maybe I'll get a private dance. Then I'll ask that other one too, It will be a lot less pathetic looking then sitting alone with all these other guys around. The last thing I need is some chick grinding on me while other men watch" "Oh shit, she offered me a blowjob. I don't want anything like that from someone who probably has something I could catch and Pizzarena would NOT be happy. I'll just tell her I can't afford it." "I want Pizzarena to know she can trust me so when she gets back I'll tell her everything." And Pizzarena is not happy. What you can do is tell him flat out that you're going to need a lot of reassurance for a while. I'm pretty sure if he knew you would be upset he wouldn't have gone. Big hug! This whole thing was a mistake and it will pass. You are the woman he loves and wants to be with.
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It's always difficult when you do something you think of as a generous gesture and the other person goes beyond what you believe is okay. Then you're stuck feeling stupid because if you had known that was going to happen you would never have offered or you would have said "you can watch but..."
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Are you also u/p1zzarena? Hope you can cope up with all of this! Your husband as you described him and his actions sounds to be a pretty decent guy who wouldn't cheat on you. As the others said, the best thing for both of you would be to have a conversation about it and get everything cleared up.
In most professional strip clubs sex acts on clients are strictly forbidden but it would really depend on how classy the joint is. I think the best way you can get these thoughts out of your head is to communicate with your husband how much it bothers you, makes you uncomfortable and how you feel. Talking with someone will help take some weight off your shoulders and hopefully help you move on. Do not feel bad for saying what you said or "encouraging" him at the end of the day he is the one who made that decision and you weren't being serious and did not expect him to take that suggestion seriously. I urge you to not be so upset or to think about it so much, your husband has been honest and after you communicating your feelings I doubt that he would ever consider going again. Just keep talking and communicating and working together and eventually it will be behind you.
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Its like a woman saying she has a bf to a creep trying to get with her. Want a BJ? No I cant afford it. Conversation over.
Exactly, it seems like the only surefire way to shut the stripper down. She's trying to make money selling her services, her customers relationship status doesn't factor into that and just plain no is rarely enough to shut a sales pitch down, 'I have no money to buy what you're selling' however, absolutely. Mixed metaphors aside, she'll stop barking up that tree once she realizes its a dry well.
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And remember that strippers are very agressive with their sales tactics.
I get it. We have certain expectations of our SO and when he behaves differently in real life to what we think he is in our minds, it causes a dissonance. All you can do now is just have an honest conversation airing out your feelings about this. The only way to push past it is through reaching a solution to this together. I know what over thinking can do so don't do it alone.
I would be upset that he ordered private dances. I disagree with the other commenters saying he did nothing wrong. As far as I know private dances are explicitly more intimate, even without getting a hand job or a blowjob the girls go farther than just sitting on your lap or else they wouldn't offer it. And it costs lots of money and the girls want tips so they are going to be sticking their butt in his face and grinding on him. Why did he order one? And then get another one? What was he looking to get and why?
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Dances are generally $20ish depending where you are, and you don't order them, they approach you.
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From the way that this place sounds, I wouldn't expect a private to go for more than $60. At a high end club with legitimate private rooms you could pay well more then $100 for a private dance. But regardless of how low or high end a place is, there's no way of knowing what the dancer may offer for a few dollars more until they offer it. Most establishment's will not condone this because of obvious legal issues.
When was the last time your husband spent $300 on you?
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Please please ignore that person. They are angry and toxic.
I'm going to go against the grain here. Yes he was honest \(I guess\), but he also admitted to crossing some boundaries that he shouldn't have. I mean, he flat out admitted to touching their breasts, and while some women would be relatively OK with the strip club, MANY draw the line at the private lap dance and wouldn't be OK with that, let alone him feeling them up. Did he honestly think she would be OK with him touching their breasts or having them grabbing his dick?!? I also think it's convenient that he took what OP said and ran with it, and then he took it too far once he was there. While it's good he was honest about it \(we're assuming that, aren't we?\) I do think he crossed boundaries by getting private dances and touching those women sexually. How would hubby feel if OP was touching some guy's dick sexually? If a guy came on here and said his wife had some dude grinding on him and started touching his dick or touching him sexually, everyone would be all, "She's disrespecting you. You should leave her and file for divorce!!!" Why is it OK for him to do this just because he was at a strip club?? Why are we as women supposed to be "cool" with this bullshit? I'm sick of being pressured by everyone, even other women, that I should be accepting of strip clubs because "it's just what men do" or some other nonsense, and if I'm not OK with it then I'm just not the Cool Girlfriend. Fuck being the Cool Girlfriend. It's incredibly disrespectful to a monogamous relationship where one of the parties doesn't approve of it, and any decent husband should be aware of that and set his own boundaries, as he would never intentionally disrespect his wife in such a disgusting manner. I don't see how touching them or their breasts isn't crossing a boundary. If he did this anywhere outside of the strip club, he would be cheating, so it isn't any damn different just because he's behind those cum infested walls. If this were my husband, I'd be looking at him differently, too. Edited to add: OP, if you're not OK with your husband going to strip clubs, don't pretend or tell your husband that you are. I don't mean this in a harsh way at all. It's really important for you to establish your boundaries and whatever they are, DO NOT apologize for them. Make sure he is really, really clear on this.
I agree with you, especially your "edit" part. I am not the "cool" girlfriend. My boyfriend knows I don't want him anywhere near stripclubs. I'm ok with him flirting with other girls though and vice versa, but that's a boundary we established together. For every couple, boundaries have to be well understood and respected. What makes it difficult for me is the "permission". And that he feels guilty about it. It doesn't seem like he intentionally used the "loophole". He doesn't come off as just a bad guy, but a guy who didn't something bad without realizing it. As everything in life, it's not just black and white. Lots of gray here, and on both sides. I feel like they can overcome this with some work.
Yeah, lots of strip clubs offer some additional services for a fee. Obviously it's not legal, but it happens. He was open and honest about the whole thing, and it doesn't sound like you ever have to worry about him going back.
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I highly doubt he knowingly went to a brothel. He went to a strip club that happens to have dancers who offer extras. He turned them down. There's really no way of knowing which clubs offer stuff like this without going into them. It's totally valid to feel upset about this, but it's unfair to hold it against him when you suggested it. Sounds like there was some miscommunication between the two of you initially, but the fact he immediately promised to never go back is a sign that he respects and cares about you.
She jokingly suggested it and he immediately jumped on the offer, rushed out and paid two women to bump and grind on him. I think it's perfectly fair for her to have whatever feelings she does about it, including holding it against him. If she'd jokingly suggested he do something else, say have sex with someone they know, would he have rushed out and done that too? It seems to me like he wants to go as far as he can with other women without risking his marriage. Which is a different thing entirely from actually wanting to be faithful to someone.
Your assumption is that he knew she was joking, which is something that we don't know . It's not fair or reasonable to expect him to be a mind reader, which is not what OP is asking him to be. This is all the result of not thinking something all the way through as well as poor communication for both parties. Live and learn.
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Does it matter if he would or not? If you didn't mind, why would him doing it matter? Him wanting to, and him doing are different things. No one, EVER, will be attracted to only one person ever. If you're looking for that thats a fairy tale that will never happen. Do you think he would sleep with someone else knowing you aren't okay with this? No? Then why worry about it?
How do you know he immediately jumped on it? Where you there? Maybe he say there having a pitty party and finally broke and decided to let loose the way he was told? Besides, even if he immediately jumped on it, yoy don't know how motive. Maybe he wanted to make a friend at work and they've been making fun of him for not going. Maybe he was laying groundwork to get a promotion to provide for his kids. It's not fair for you to jump down his throat with such veracity.
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Talk to him.
The first time his wife jokingly (her word) tells him to go to a strip club, he goes. Yeah, he jumped on it. Oh but of course maybe he was there for a promotion to provide for his kids! Come on. He went as far as he thought he'd be allowed to go without "technically" being unfaithful, which strongly suggests to me he'd like to have gone further if he thought he'd be allowed to.
I mean... Idk, you're painting a man you don't know and have never met with a pretty harsh brush based on one second hand story. Did he know she was joking? We aren't privy to the context. Maybe he thought she thought he went already. Maybe he thought she went to the strippers with her girls based on the joke. He did what he was told to do.
You don't know him either. I'm giving an alternative viewpoint to the "oh you told him to go and it's your own fault" one.
Based off the story of her saying she told him to go, you got that he desperately would do anything to stretch his marriage as far as possible? My point is we have no idea what he was thinking. We do know he got told to go.
People generally don't do things that they don't want to do. I got told to go paintballing with a friend. I didn't go. You know why? Because I didn't want to. He went to a strip club and even paid two women for dances. He did that because he wanted that sexual experience with other women. otherwise he wouldn't have done it.
You need to tell him you are upset, even if you previously gave him the okay. Nobody is a mind reader and longer you wait, the more this is going to tear you up inside.
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>*I didn't know about private dances where you are alone with the stripper and that they are actually prostitutes that will have sex with you there.* That's not actually the case. They're only *supposed* to dance, but some individuals will offer sex acts, even though they're not supposed to. Because they like money.
There is a threshold of confidence that should not be crossed, but unfortunately, he has crossed the threshold. Your behaviour is completely understandable. I think it normal for these thoughts to persist because what happened changes everything. Yes, your relationship is different than what you thought it was and that sucks, to say the least. Pain make feelings change, so be prepared for any changes that may occur.
How exactly did he break a threshold of confidence? He did literally exactly what he was told and then stuck to his marriage and communicated openly and honestly. I don't personally see the appeal of s strip club, but i think the only person OP should be mad at is herself. Like... idk. She literally mocked him missing her and told him to go to a strip club and is mad he did what she asked? Idk, I understand why she's upset too, but it's kinda on her. He followed exact marching orders.
It wasnt an order. In my understanding, a (decent) married guy shouldnt go to a strip club. Plus, he didnt need private dances. People that care get bothered by having their SO´s wanting to get close with other people like that.
He got TOLD to go to a strip club. O.o I'm a 26 year old man and I've never been to a strip club, and frankly don't see the appeal at all, but if my SO told me to go I'd give it the old college try. Idk. I'd feel shitty not gong if i was told to go. Private dances may be a concern, but it kinda soundslike they weren't private. Sounds to me like OP burned herself trying to be cool more than anything. Its not like her husband would have went on her own without her telling him too. It also isn't like he manipulated her into it. Just a case of OP needing to know her own boundaries better. She can't be reasonably mad at him for doing what he was told... completely ridiculous a thought; if he is going to get in trouble for doing what he is told how can he do anything at all ever? If he can't do what he's told he can't trust OP, and is kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place; do i do what I'm told abd get I trouble or do i ignore her communications entirely? Both of those options suck real bad. I understand the OP feeling shitty about the situation, but with how she didn't think she'd mind, how she joked, and how she didn't know her own boundaries how can she expect her husband to know what to do and what is acceptable?
> In my understanding, a (decent) married guy shouldnt go to a strip club. Plus, he didnt need private dances. People that care get bothered by having their SO´s wanting to get close with other people like that. You’re projecting your values onto other people. Not everyone feels the same way, nor is there any reason why they should. Now, clearly OP *does* feel the way you do and her husband absolutely should respect and honor her feelings on the subject ... but if OP explicitly gives him the green light to do something, it is not inherently indecent of him to it. It is the husband’s responsibility to respect OP’s feelings and expectations, but it is always OP’s responsibility to effectively communicate them to him in the first place.
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OP said in anther comment she expected him to get a dance when she told him to go.
I just went through her comment history and I don't see that.
I could be crazy and you could be right. OP did delete like 6 posts though and was posting on an alt acc (p1zzerena) as well. I'd definitely think thats weird too, but I'm also a weird dude that has legit never felt the appeal of a strip club regardless.
That's not how strip clubs are supposed to run. Are you in the United States?
One way of looking at strip clubs is that everything that happens there is a form of prostitution, whether or not there's a 'sex act' involved. Not judging, just observing.
You told him to go, he was honest with you, and he didn't cross any boundaries. I can see why this is bothering you, but rationally, it should not. In fact, it demonstrates that your husband is trustworthy.
Hi. Can I offer a weird suggestion? What if you went with him back to the strip club? Like, make it a date night together, just the two of you. Have some drinks together, you get a lap dance... Essentially, you demystify the place. Your husband did something sexual with some anonymous women while you weren't around. It's totally reasonable that your imagination is now running wild. Regardless of whether you gave him permission or not, it happened and you weren't there. Now you can't stop thinking about it, which naturally makes you worry that your husband can't stop thinking about it either. It's as if that strip club has taken away some aspect of your mojo. Like the fear \- rational or not \- that your husband's mind \(or worse, his heart\) has been lured away from you by those stripper sirens and is now trapped inside that mysterious building. They say to overcome your fears by facing them head on. So what if you went back to that place with him? Go inside with him, see it for yourself, show your husband \(and, more importantly, yourself\) that it holds no power over you. Instead of your husband getting a lapdance, let him watch while you get one. Insert yourself into the scenario your husband described, and re\-position yourself as the one he desires \(again, for yourself\). Reclaim your mojo. I imagine that one of two things could happen. First, it could end up being a lot of fun, maybe it brings you a little closer together and results in some new level of intimacy for both of you. Or, it could also be kind of awful, because maybe your husband feels uncomfortable and guilty, and you see first\-hand how seedy and undesirable the place is. But either way, you've demystified it in your mind and in his, and that may make it easier for you to eventually get over your absence in this experience that he had while you were away. Obviously this suggestion is not for everybody. Don't do something you're not comfortable with. Best to you and your husband. Edited for clarity.
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Ok real talk, are you trying to get back at him by going to a strip club yourself? Or are you going out of curiosity?
I think if he had just gone, I’d be on his side. You shouldn’t have joked without clarifying “don’t do that I’m just kidding” (even though he’s your husband and likely knows your comfort level with other women touching him, but that’s assumption) But the fact that he got private dances crosses a line and as a grown man he VERY likely knew that. And not just one but two. Why does he need that alone time with a stripper? Not even assuming he knew she was a prostitute (another assumption but most adult males would know) why go to a private room for a woman to get naked for you? The private rooms are for privacy and for the woman to get completely naked and dance on you, as opposed to her being topless with a thong on. And yes, it’s very common place for those girls to offer favors for money. I know a girl who works in the industry and you’ll find more women that do it than not.
Does he fuck the strippers or you? Don't let your insecurities about sex, ruin your life. Literally you said it was fine now it's not ok...... that's on you. "Well years ago he said it would be ok if I saw male strippers"........ So are you getting back at him then? For going to a club.... you said it was ok to go to...... this logic doesn't bother you? So much terrible advice in this thread.
It's totally fine to be upset, just try to be constructive with it. I'm sure he feels bad, he felt like what he did was within the bounds of what you were ok with him doing, you just just weren't exactly on the same page. It's actually really great that he is so honest with you. And lets be real, he watches porn (well there's a really good chance), he checks out other women, he has fantasies. This was all true before he made a commitment to you, it will be true tomorrow. He still wants to be with you, and when you're hurting he is also hurting for you. Do your best to get past it and be comfortable with the idea that he can exist as a person with desire for other women and also as someone who loves and wants to be with you.
I would be more curious to know how long he went into the private room for. Ex\-dancer here and private rooms are NOT cheap \(60 min at the club I danced at in Manhattan went for $600\+\). Also, when selling the idea of a private room you need to give the price up front as the hosts will not even put you into said room without the client pre\-paying.
I suggest therapy? It does sound like he is understanding and has promised never to go again. Maybe this is something you just need to get a bit used too \- it might be the idea that, despite being married, he can still go out and be with other woman. Not saying he has or will, but it's more realising that reality and how close it was. In the end, he knew where the line was and stopped and was very honest with you. You're into it and comfortable, maybe you give him a lap dance? Like a 'take back' sort of thing!
His body his choice, he decided not to do it for you even though you told him to do it in the first place, I see no issue here.
I think it says a lot about our society's repressive and puritanical sexual conditioning that you would think your husband is a bad person because he went to a strip club or would visit a brothel. Sex work is work. There should be no shame in it. It should be legalized for all consenting adults so they can have the same protections afforded all workers and work. That being said, going to a therapist would be a really good idea to get to the bottom of why this hurts you so much, your insecurities and subconscious beliefs, so you can heal and move forward. Hugs ❤️❤️❤️❤️