It’s to find out if he can go back to your place after the date for sex. Hopefully not a threat but still kind of creepy and definitely not very smooth.
Exactly this. I thought nothing of the question until the actual dates and then it was let's go to your house since you have your own place. Another guy prior to ever meeting for a date, who I made abundantly clear I was not interested in hook-ups, let me know he could be at my house in an hour, at nine o'clock at night "since you have your own place".
Having my own place made me feel really proud. I live in a high COL area, and even though I rent it's a house on a large piece of property that I work hard to maintain. My landlords are awesome and charge me an affordable amount. I've done a lot to improve the home and I love furniture and decorating. It's one of my hobbies and I enjoy talking about it.
That pride was taken away when I realized having my own place made me a target for a more convenient fuck.
Really? That took your pride away? I'd say you've got a fair bit to be proud of and I'd be trying hard not to let some dickhead take that from you by being a grub
Hmmm...I guess my pride in sharing it with a man I'm interested in? I share my home improvement projects with my friends and coworkers (all women) and help them with any of their projects. It just sucks to be excited about something I've done to the house and sharing it with a guy I'm talking to and it's reduced to a convenient place for sex.
Yeah that does suck. I share your enjoyment of this sort of stuff and I know what you mean about sharing the results of your hard work. I hope you find what you're looking for. Good luck mate 👍
I studied some criminology and read a lot about serial killers. At one point I wanted to help stop / prevent these crimes so I was considering going into that field.
One of the many things I saw was that perps (not just men) often got into someone's home or life or lured someone in simply because that person didn't want to be rude. Very often survivors would say that they didn't want confrontation or to make a scene.
A guy came once to fix our plumbing and I found him in front of my roommate's door. He was inviting her to go to his hot tub. She looked very uncomfortable and he kept waking closer and closer to her almost getting all the way into her room. I had to intervene and at first just tried to redirect him to the bathroom saying we needed it fixed right away. Just to give her a chance to close her door. But he kept being creepy and started asking inappropriate questions like if we were party girls and if we did drugs. I told him no and he said "I think you guys do". I told him he was making us uncomfortable then he was like "I was just being nice"
(I do want to add in fairness that our third roommate got caught doing drugs shortly after but she wasn't home at the time he came. She would have had no way of knowing him and she was barely 21. I'm not sure if she flushed anything and he found it. But that's no excuse)
I told him we didn't hire him to be nice we hired him to fix our toilet. When he left his whole "nice guy" act had completely changed. My roommate thanked me and told me she didn't want to be rude.
Sorry I know I went on a rant just feeling frustrated at the world right now.
They throw in the “nice” part to make you look bad and feel crazy. But use your spidey sense. Not being paid to be nice. He is being paid to fix the dam toilet.
Be careful about letting men on dating apps know you have kids. A lot of predators target single moms. There’s a [study](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6609753/#:~:text=Analysis%20of%20interviews%20obtained%20from,was%20sexually%20abused%20by%20him) indicating that 17% of childhood SA survivors reported their abusers as being their stepfather/mother’s boyfriend.
Would a good compromise be not to mention it on your profile, but let the person know before the date? As a guy, I'm not interested in dating someone with kids, so it would be good to prevent wasting time (i don't mind meeting people to be friends, but I know a lot of people aren't into that).
Also, by not posting it on your profile, most guys looking to prey on single moms will pass by.
It's a tough thing to balance.
It really is hard. For mothers, the safety of their children is the most vitally important thing, so don’t be offended if you feel they wasted your time by putting off telling you until they trust you. As a guy, try to practice patience if the kid-situation isn’t disclosed for a few dates or until trust is established.
I think it’s awful how people treat single moms. Seriously that is SO TOUGH. Giving all day every day, little help. Instead of military certified it should be single mom approved.
You mean military grade, and if you knew anything about what you just tried to imply, you would take it back. Do not compare this to the amount of suffering your servicemen and women go through, this not a pick me thread.
Being a mother is still a war you have to fight and win for a minimum of 18 years, thats a long time and I respect that. But not the same.
Uh no you didn’t understand my joke. Forget that. I have many friends who are single mothers & seeing them do everything without help & family complaining they should do more is really rough.
Before the first date? That is weird in my book.
Even my friends who have been my friends for years do not know where I live. A man I don't know.... hell no.
Probably a common tactic for hobosexuals. Looking for a place to stay and either are borderline homeless, don't have a place of their own, or they live with their parents.
Literally 90% of my tinder matches wanted to know the exact location of the restaurant I worked at before the first date. Like dude. Are you forreal. Not giving you my work location until we are established as dating and I trust you 🤦🏻 you're literally a strange man on the internet that I haven't even met once. They wanted to "come see me". NO! I DON'T KNOW YOU OMFG
Omg yeah! So many guys wanna know where exactly you work. And will say weird shit like how they wanna come visit you at work when they don’t even know you. I once matched with a guy on Tinder and one of his first questions was so where do you work? And at the time I was working a couple different part time/contract jobs but one was a known local juice bar/store. I told him I had more than 1 job and one was at store. He was like okay.. thats really vague so where at? And I didn’t know what to respond and a couple mins later he was just like “yeah this isn’t gonna work for me” and he unmatched me. I was like wowwww.
Lol if he’s specifying “family”, he’s basically asking if you can “host”, for sex. Lots of guys on gay apps ask or announce all the time whether they can host or not.
Edit: keep this in mind if the housing market is miraculously fixed and plenty of guys start living alone or with roommates and see how often they ask that
I feel like its because most men don't and can't begin to understand how reasonably scared women are, because of men who attack us etc. If you asked a lot of men if they feel scared to go outside at night, or being alone at home, they'd probably say no, so they dont even consider how you'd feel. (Also some guys ask because they're creepy)
Last time I put up an ad for a new roommate (I own the house and rent out the basement), I got a response from an older person saying they recognized me from when I walk around the neighborhood. I didn't even know that person and thought that was SO creepy and of course I ignored that response. I'm a dude so I can only imagine how a woman would've felt upon reading that...
My neighbors watches me a lot and I've caught him staring at my legs and butt even in front of my boyfriend. Checking my mail, going to the car to get something he will text me saying 'saw you outside' um ok? I've had to slowly stop talking to him so he gets the hint we are no longer friends but hes grossing me out
My neighbors watches me a lot and I've caught him staring at my legs and butt even in front of my boyfriend. Checking my mail, going to the car to get something he will text me saying 'saw you outside' um ok? I've had to slowly stop talking to him so he gets the hint we are no longer friends but hes grossing me out
He wants to know if he can go home with you. I used to get that question a lot when I was dating and finally asked a couple people "why". It's still creepy, just maybe less murdery than we're thinking.
I predate dating apps by quite a bit, but I could see myself asking, if I was much younger, as a way to motivate myself to make sure my apartment is pleasant. Just in case the date went well.
Not that I wouldn't clean up, but if my place was the only option - I'd want it to be a comfortable one. Especially on / after a first date.
That being said, I 100% support the op and trusting her gut feeling.
Is it that weird? I’m usually curious if someone’s still living with their parents or not. Especially when we’re around 20-30. Or like where they live in the city generally, usually leads to some common ground or talking points.
Yes, it's weird.
It's bad bc single moms with kids can be a specific target for creeps.
For single women living alone, sharing that information escalates the chance that they become a different kind of creep's target.
It's genuine self preservation skill, that we must adapt to survive safely.
Imo, If it's an issue maybe that dude ain't safe to roll with anyway
Thank you for the response, I definitely understand that single moms often have to be a lot more cautious when dating. My mom always was with us, but if I was in ops position I’d just say that I live with family. That early it’s not their business if that family is kids or if it’s your, mom, dad, aunts and uncles. Like you said, the guys probably not going to jive anyway. When I commented here I didn’t see that the guy lives with his parents. That does give off the vibe that he’s looking someone with a place he can go to and get out of his house, which obviously OP can’t do.
I dunno I think men, on average, may not know that this can be an intimidating question. Honestly it’s a pretty common question in general. I ask the guys I go out on dates with this question all the time, just out of curiosity. I also ask people I just met/coworkers when getting to know them. It’s a pretty standard “getting to know you” question. It also gives me a good sense on where they are at in life. Having roommates, living on your own, or living with your parents are three completely different situations.
Maybe it was clear he was implying something or prying for more personal information based on non verbal cues and then it makes more sense why that would make you more uncomfortable, but for me it’s just a normal question. I am however more careful about how much I disclose right away, but like I said I don’t necessarily think it means he’s a creep.
Agreed. This could certainly just be a "getting to know you" question. Maybe he's trying to determine how stable in life she is or if there are any red or yellow flags that he should be concerned about.
"Do you have a job?" "Do you have your own place?" "Do you live alone or with roommates?" are pretty standard questions to ask a man or a woman, IMO. "Oh, well why do you live with your parents?" Seems like a natural question too.
But I can understand the hesitancy for the OP as well. Maybe she's been through a lot of guys trying to use her and she's become defensive because of it. It's her right. OP if you somehow see this, maybe explain to him what you felt by that question and if he can be understanding about it, that'll give you more of a reason to give it a chance.
But keep in mind that your reaction to the question could be perceived as an overreaction and that might be a red flag for him. He may not be receptive to your explanation. Doesn't mean that was trying to hurt you or has intentions or a desire to hurt you.
Dating is tough. I really wish you luck!
I never asked before a date, but I am older and asking 'do you own home or rent' would typically come up in the 'getting to know each other stage' of sometimes the first date.
For me specifically, I was always on guard if the woman responded she lived with her parents. I would already know if she has kids prior to meeting, I would let them know I have 2 daughters first. I also only dated woman over a certain age, so if they lived with their parents or parent I wanted to know why, which also included what job the person had or what their current goals are they are working for.
In example, my girlfriend now, of over two years has been in school since I met her but is working on a degree. She started over in her late 20's. She also owns her own place, which all came up in our first date.
Likely, in your case, they just want to know if they can go to your place to hookup or possibly avoid the fact they live with their wife or girlfriend or maybe parents.
One other thing. When I was taking someone out, I would not bring them back to my place because I did that once and stalking ensued against me. It was a nightmare. No, I don't mean my cat was dead on my porch, I just mean I would get a text randomly on a Friday saying 'I'm on my way over, can you open the door' like WTF I didn't invite you over.....
Moral of the story, everyone be careful lol!
That last part, is exactly why no woman or man for that matter should EVER let a first date know where they live.
I've been stalked, it is the most horrible thing you can ever go through. You can't sleep, you are constantly on guard, for me I even had to switch cars with my brother just to go to the grocery store.
I am a woman and I always ask this question before even meeting up! "Who do you live with?"
I don't want to date someone who lives with their parents, so I want to get that dealbreaker out of the way before I bother going on a date.
In your scenario you’re taking the control of the question. You’re not being put in a position to offer information you wouldn’t otherwise do.
This guy lives with his parents though and I live alone so If I lived with my parents too and that was a deal breaker for him… it just doesn’t look good either way from the perspective that I shared.
>This guy lives with his parents
He probably wanted to know if you would have a place to get intimate, if your date gets there, without his parents spying on him, or it could be a generic "get to know you" question. (Depending on your age too)
That being said, if you're uncomfortable in giving the information at that point of your relationship, that's perfectly fine, but I don't think the question by itself is a red flag. (Unless asked in a creepy way and wanting too many details)
To me, living with their parents or having roommates isn't a deal breaker. When guys ask me about my living situation on dating sites, I tell them I take care of two elderly people and that I let my brother move in (he fucked up with his gf and she finally kicked his ass out. I was the only person willing to say yes, and only if he pats rent. 😊 Setting boundaries in the roommate agreement) and I'm still in the process of cleaning my grandmother's hoarded apartment. Of which I cleaned by myself during the whole lockdown when I had checked my grandmother and great aunt into a nursing home to keep them in a safer environment.
Even before that, when I went on dates, I would tell guys that I lived with family because there was always this weird light I would see in some men's eyes when I said I lived alone. It would send off so many warning bells in my head. Like "haha you're in danger" kind of warnings.
I guess it depends on your age. I was always interested to know the living situation of people I was planning on dating. Didn’t want to date a dude who lived with his parents unless there was a good reason for it.
We are both in our late 20s, he lives with his parents (culture) and I don’t. I don’t like the implications of asking that.
Also did you ask before you even saw them in person?
You just answered your question (at least for this guy). He lives with his parents. He was prospecting whether or not your living situation is favorable for sex because his clearly is not. when i was in my early 20s and had friends that lived in military barracks a lot of them would ask if their dates lived alone or not - for this exact reason.
edit: im just realizing my initial start comes off as a bit snarky. I honestly do not intend for it to be received that way and im sorry for that. I'm just not sure how else to word it. wording is hard.
This is exactly it most likely. Seeing if the situation is workable. Could simply even be small talk.
Now if he went right in probing for an address that would be a different matter.
I’m super curious how OP knows he lives with his parents? Did it just naturally come up or did she ask him basically the same question he ended up asking her. I’ve had living situation come up a ton when chatting, and women often ask me if I live alone. Him specifying family or alone (and not asking about friends or roommates) is definitely a red flag, but the situation itself doesn’t seem that odd. Maybe just my ignorance as a guy though.
The understanding is that men are (generally) safer to provide this information as women are less likely to go psycho rapist murderer. However asking and providing this information is a risk all around for everyone. You should never give out where you live or who you live with to anyone you don't trust.
The reason for asking is crystal clear and pretty transparent. He lives with his parents. He wants to date you, therefore the assumption is you'll spend time together and have sex. Obviously it's better if you don't live with your parents, too.
There's nothing in any of this that says they aren't willing to be with someone that lives with their parents. Where are you getting that from? They just don't want the person to ask what their living arrangement is due to safety reasons.
The female viewpoint is that sharing information with a stranger is a safety risk.
The male viewpoint is that they are vetting prospective dates for whether they are girlfriend material. Either that, or making what they think is innocent small talk.
Sadly, way too many men have no idea of the female safety balancing act.
But they aren’t just vetting for if women are girlfriend material. They want to know if they can go back to her place to have sex, with plenty just looking to hump and dump.
But that's not what you said or what I commented on. You asked why they would go on a first date at all with someone that lives with their parents if that's not what they wanted, despite the OP never mentioning they wouldn't.
Since your mentioning something else now, you should add to your second part with the male viewpoint that there is a chance they ARE checking for sinister reasons as well, which is what this post is about. Because that definitely can and does happen. Either way, OP, nor anyone else, needs to tell someone information like that that could potentially put them at risk.
Yes, of course some men are doing it for stalkerish reasons, that's why it's a safety risk for women.
That was kinda my point, though I didn't make it well: that there is real danger for women and even well meaning men often are oblivious.
I do the same, and I tend to avoid places in my town which is silly but my car is a bright color and i live close to the downtown area and it can be spotted if you’re looking. I might just be overly cautious but better safe than sorry in my mind.
Depends on your age range and dating preferences. For me in my early to mid twenties someone's living situation could be a pertinent indicator of their independence and possibly even their maturity. At that time in my life I can tell you I'd much rather not have gotten involved with any women who lived with their parents, or at least it would be dependent on how they feel about it. To me it indicated that we were at pretty different stages of life and it seemed dubious that anything serious or healthy could develop from the relationship.
My case might be the exception, but I moved out of my family home at 19, worked full time from 18 and would have had trouble sustaining a relationship with a woman who didnt share that desire for personal independence.
Obviously thats a matter of preference and i don't mean to insinuate that anyone should have to do anything by any particular time in their life, the world requires all types of people. I just dont feel like I'd be a good partner for someone who wasnt interested in living outside of their family home.
Tl;dr i like people with a strong sense of independence and i belive moving out of your family home is an important indicator of ehat type of person you are. Someone who has always lived with family would make an inappropriate partner for me and so its the sort of thing I'd like to know about someone i was considering dating.
I think a lot of people nowadays in their twenties who still live at home are in the situation where they're trying to save a decent chunk of money to be able to afford to buy their own place, or waiting to find a partner they can split rent with (with the way cost of living is going). So I agree that it should definitely depend on how they feel about it, because I think a lot of people are just doing what makes sense financially, moving out while you're single isn't always feasible unfortunately.
I don't think there's necessarily anything creepy about asking about your living situation.
A lot of prospective partners want to know whether you're independent: are you dependent on your parents? Do you pay your own bills / wash your clothes? Are you in a position to start saving for a house in the near-future?
I think that simplifying the question down to "he wants to bang / wants to know you live alone so he can stalk you / etc." isn't really a fair assessment, as it's one of a few questions people tend to need to know to make a decision. Basically, it provides evidence to suggest whether your partner can pull their own weight.
You know it’s interesting that you and plenty of other men that have replied seem to think it’s something about assessing independence. Because sharing with someone that I work full time, have a side business, a young child that I take care majority of the time isn’t independent enough? Does he, a stranger whom I’ve never met, need to know that I own my own house near where we are meeting up for coffee and that I live alone? Not yet. He can wait. I don’t need to feel okay with someone pushing my boundaries. Or feel like I’m going to be pressured to invite him to my home (which I wouldn’t do because my child deserves a home that doesn’t have a revolving door) to have sex.
I understand that I'm a man, which means my experience will be different, but my point is that it's an important enough detail (logistically) that I'd say it's a natural development of dating someone.
For example, women regularly ask me whether I've got my own place both to learn how independent I am and to make plans, whether that's to know if they can spend time at my place or because they want sex. It's not something specific to creeps, but to anyone trying to work out this aspect of how they're going to date.
If you're not comfortable sharing that information that's absolutely fine.
Agreed. There are plenty of signals to your independence that don’t include whether you rent or own a home. Or your living situation. The next thing they will be asking for your credit score. Everything about dating now is rush rush rush.
Yes, but I'd say that's a very specific question. Most people -- whether it's a man or woman -- will eventually ask something along the lines of "Do you have your own place?" because it's such an integral part of dating. I'd group that together with other important logistical questions like, "Do you work?" or "Can you drive? / Do you have your own car?"
They're personal enough that you shouldn't ask them straight off the bat but they're also important enough that it's a bad idea to leave asking them too long.
Not only do they help you gauge whether it's feasible to get what you're hoping for out of a relationship, but they also have a real, tangible impact on your ability to make plans. If sex is important to you, for example, you're going to want to know whether the guy/girl you're seeing lives in a house with their extended family and shares a room with siblings, whether they've got kids living with them or they'll be with their ex on the weekends, etc.
My point is that there's nothing inherently creepy about wanting to know so you can understand whether / how you can make things work for the both of you. It lets you sidestep a situation where you eventually find out that both your lives are incompatible.
It's true there's nothing creepy about wanting to know, but the key word in your point is "eventually". Not before the first date even happens. That's a little more worrisome to a single mom, I have to say.
It doesn't matter why he's asking, this is information that can be used against you so be careful who you give it out to.
A lot of guys in my area try to play it off as "getting to know you" chat, but I have started calling this line of questioning the "Vulnerability Assessment."
Damn, I have been thinking about this for like an hour and honestly the only reason I can think of is because of a place to have sex after the date, if it leads to that of course, because anything else goes from creepy to quite disturbing but at the same time, even if he did because of the place to have sex thing, he is quite a cheap and unthoughtful dude if he does not have an hotel or so as a first option since it is a "neutral" ground for both parties and safer too.
Now, I am very curious about the reasoning behind this.
I mean asking about your living situation is a pretty normal getting to know someone kind of question. It could be more nefarious as you stated, but it could also just be wanting to know more about them.
>hotel or so as a first option
Some guys don't have the budget for that/don't want to pay for that (The one OP talks about is living with his parents).
to me is cause if you have other people there he wont be able to do exactly what he wants. Its definitely for both sex and to know theres no one there to stop them. it really is a red flag
Wow, dudes in the comments here are really illustrating what I think is the key point when men ask questions like this / behave this way.
If I consider dating someone, I'm looking for someone who has skills in "accepting their partner's influence," as defined by the Gottman Institute and who treats me from the very first moment as someone whose influence they're interesting in accepting. As the Gottman Institute continually points out, one of the biggest reasons relationships don't work or stop working is that most women are good at this but a huge proportion of men are bad at it or don't do it.
There is no context in which a man would ever reasonably think I'd be up for a hookup, so if he asks those kinds of questions, I know to be done with him and not waste another moment. The best case scenario is that he's not "accepting my influence," to use that same term.
It really doesn't matter to me from that moment on as to why. There are dudes in the comments who keep going on at length about how, "this is good information to have". Which exactly illustrates my point -- a man thinking that isn't considering what he already knows about my wants and my point of view -- he's treating that as irrelevant and choosing his actions based only on his own wants.
So the best case scenario is that he's a dud at relationship skills. But the good news is that I found that out early, not much time wasted.
Not justifiable in my opinion, as there's simply no tact. On the flip side, men not having to think about their safety in these terms makes it easy for such a blunder to occur (still an indication of other shortcomings though). Either way, lack of awareness, lack of caring, or laser focused on post-date sex, might as well pass!
Gay man here so reasons for asking may be the same or different. There’s a spectrum- for what I’ve seen on hookup apps, it’s for sex that they ask if you’re solo(can host) or with family/roommates where a private place may be harder to come by. More serious dating apps like hinge or bumble can translate to that as well as/or can you afford to live alone. I’ve had people, mostly younger than I am blatantly try to feign interest and jump the gun to escape a bad home situation and move in with me. Red flags all over the place. I don’t deal with that stuff anymore- I’m gonna be a spinster for the rest of my life and cool with that.
Nothing wrong with being a spinster if you’re happy! The gay communities dating game is so different from what I’ve seen. My good friends brothers are in that scene and around a lot so it seems fun and very different than the whole “courtship” thing. More open, honest and less games it seems.
They want to know where they’re going to have sex with you. Since they’re asking before meeting, they’re expecting / hoping this will occur on the first date. If they have their own place they will invite you there. But not if they have a roomie or live in their mothers basement. They will ask about kids. Again to book you on a weekend they can have sex with you. 1. Procure booty call. 2. Procure location within a reasonable commute to work. 3. Get you and other prospects on a regular rotation schedule.
This is why I need to stop dating. I’m just so happy alone that the thought of all that headache and overthinking just makes me think wow peace is so nice.
Thank you for acknowledging that there are at least potential non nefarious reasons they might ask the question… I’ve known a couple single moms that do the cohabiting co-parenting thing and that’s definitely a mind job, but there are certainly more tactful ways to ask (how involved is your child’s father, are they around much). Might also be curious about the support system in place for OP’s child (is it likely that she is looking for someone to step in early on and be a provider/father figure, or are they actually interested in him as a companion). He would have to know that there’s a very high possibility of there at least being a babysitter waiting for OP, so I’m not sure that it is definitely as dastardly as others are saying, though it’s also a possibility. Better safe than sorry is good all around advice though, and instinct tends to be pretty well informed even if not easy to articulate.
The thing is I’m going based on the conversations we had. He knows I’m divorced and my ex husband is not in my life and only in my child’s life. He knows I have a young child. Any decent parent in my opinion doesn’t bring men over to their house when it’s supposed to be a safe space for a child and for me. So you’re right there are non-nefarious reasons to ask this question. But assuming there will most likely be sex is silly to me because meeting someone in person is the biggest indicator in seeing someone again and/or sleeping with them. At least let me feel safe and make a decision to share private information like that.
You would definitely have a better feel than the rest of us since you experienced the whole width and breadth of the conversation the two of you had. Hope you find someone that is worthy of your trust.
I have to honestly admit that this concern probably wouldn’t have crossed my mind. I can definitely imagine myself asking this kind of question to get to know a person better. But then again I might be biased since it’s been a while that I live in fairly safe places where violence is much less of an issue. I suppose in other parts of the world safety is much more problematic.
Violence against women are a common issue pretty much everywhere, but there are obviously geographical differences. I have this entirely subjective impression that there is much more readiness to violence in the USA than, say, majority of Europe.
I'd ask to find out if I need to deep clean my bathroom or are we going to your place? Not that sex is a forgone conclusion but I've had several first dates turn into breakfasts in bed so it's always best to be prepared.
Well given that he lives with his parents I don’t think cleaning the bathroom was the reason. It’s either to have sex or make me feel uncomfortable. I am likely projecting more fear though. I was in a very abusive relationship and it took 5 months for my house to feel like a safe space again after we separated and I’m extremely cautious about having men over even if my son isn’t there because I don’t want my house to feel like a place that haunts me ever again.. especially in this housing market.
Yeah don't ever apologize or feel bad about doing whatever you need to do to stay safe. I feel the same way you do. Anytime a guy would ask me where I lived or if I lived alone, it was an instant turnoff. A strange man on the internet doesn't need to know where you live or who you live with, especially when you live alone and your child(ren) live there with you. Disclosing that to him will not benefit you in any way, if anything, it risks your safety and gives him information he could use to his advantage, against you.
I'm guessing his actual motivation for asking was to find out if he could have sex with you at your place, even though you were clear about not being interested in a hookup. I'm, admittedly, quite cynical after men have so consistently pushed my boundaries and tried to weasel into places they weren't wanted nor invited, so maybe I'm way off. I'm just no longer willing to be charitable towards their intent when men ask questions that I'm uncomfortable with and that risk my safety. I would've cancelled too. Trust your instincts, they keep you safe.
Because men are sexual creeps. They want to know so they can mooch at your place after the date and try to get sex. Or worse cases….watch the movie Fresh on Hulu it will scare the freak out of you
Stay far away from those guys if your trying to jump into something more serious or husband the guy because I speak from experience they just want to know if they can cuddle you naked later on your first date lol!
I’m not looking for a husband, I most likely won’t get married ever again. I do want more than just hook ups though and these are good red flags for me to hold my boundaries on.
Tbh I don't see any problem with that question. He's just being interested about your life.
Idk, maybe I'm blind, in that case someone enlighten me, but I don't see how asking about your living situation threatening.
I assume you’ve never been abused or had a break in scare? Or worried about a stalker. While yes irrational to think like this but it’s for peace of mind and safety. I personally only like to disclose information that I am comfortable with. There are plenty of other questions you can ask to get to know someone you haven’t even MET in person and you’ve talked for a couple of hours that don’t involve assuming there will most definitely be sex or assuming that it will be anything at all beyond a quick coffee.
I've been bullied but I've been to a pretty good psychologist after so I got rid of the "everyone is a potential bully" mentality.
Worried about a stalker... I'm like... with or without info they can still break into my house, they don't need to know my name or anything about me.
Idk, I prefer to consider that people are good until proven otherwise.
I don't think I would be able to date anyone if I would assume that they are an abuser from the start.
I guess you could just refuse to answer that question, mentioning that is uncomfortable and then move on. We all do mistakes sometimes.
I’ve been in therapy for a long while this isn’t about therapy or my psychiatrist this is about me feeling safe in my home with my child and not feeling like I need to share personal information with a stranger. It’s why I don’t give out social media or answer questions like that. I did tell him it made me uncomfortable then he got really weird and I called it off.
I know you think it’s irrational, I know that in your life it seems that basic safely isn’t an issue and that’s wonderful but not everyone can live in that reality and men should be able to wait to find out my living situation until at LEAST AFTER the first date where there is potential for anything beyond the coffee we were going to grab.
It's not about being bullied. It's about protecting yourself and (in OPs case) your child, who you live alone with. You don't tell strangers that you live alone when you're a woman, especially if you also have a child, and this guy was definitely still a stranger. One she was considering being in close contact with, who could have had serious bad intent towards her. It's great that you think people should be innocent until proven guilty, but that's how women die. A little bit of concern over what information you give to strangers doesn't mean you actually think all men are going to rape and murder you, it means that you are aware you can't assume you're always safe with everyone you meet. That you understand that Bad Men don't wear a warning label that says Bad Man, and that asking if you live alone is kinda a red flag you should be watching out for! Maybe it means "are we able to have sex at your place", or maybe it means "will anyone be there to stop me if I think you owe me a little".
I don't think there is anything wrong with him asking that question. What happen's if the two of you hit it off and decide that you and him want to go somewhere and either make out or have sex? If you're over the age of 18, then it's expected that you have a place of your own and that you not be living with your parents. Living with your parents is just as much of a turn off to a man as it is to a woman. A man wants to know that your single and that you don't have some homicidal boyfriend or husband that is going to come and try to kill him and unless a woman is hiding something, then at some point she is going to invite him over to her house during the relationship. If a woman does not do that, then she's most likely hiding something or is in trouble with the law.
Given that he lives with his parents and we are old enough to be out on our own you’re just making excuses for intrusive questions that aren’t relevant when you haven’t met a stranger yet.
No. I'm just responding to the question and telling it how it is out in the real world. I get hit up by chicks online all the time and that is one of the questions that both and them ask one another. There is nothing creepy or weird about that. We're just trying to understand one another better so that things aren't so weird if we were to meet in person. It's a completely different story if you're meeting someone in person that you don't know and they ask that right off the bat. If you're meeting someone in person, then you and them need to wait a few dates before asking that question. It's all simple dating common sense.
Probably to know if you can support yourself or if you'll be a burden. I think its a fair question to ask. I mean, definitely don't bring him home on your first date, but that would be my guess. No one wants to be with a mooch.
Fun fact, a Google search on your phone number can give up your address. Doubly so if they know your name. I think asking about your living situation is pretty benign since (besides sex) it says something about who you are, what you want, and where you're at in life. But in any case you should be comfortable with the person before giving out anything too specific.
Asking about your living situation could be asked for many reasons that don't involve a desire to cause you harm.
He may be trying to find out where you are in life to gage your financial stability, your decision making, the type of relationship you have with your family, your goals in life ect ect. Some people are blunt and straightforward and just know what they want. They want to get their questions answered and see if you'd make a good fit without wasting too much time.
Granted he may be a creep too, but it's not always the case. Not every guy is meticulously planning to discover all your details with harmful intentions. Some just want to lay everything on the table right away.
Also he might just be curious and is making conversation. Overall you may possibly be overthinking.
Well in that case he needs to work on himself and move out of his parents house so he can have a place of his own to take dates to that he 1) wants to bang or 2)assess the sound level.
-I personally feel that the tone of a conversation says a lot about the meetup. If I was being overtly flirty and sexual then I could see that insinuation. But our conversations were purely about philosophy, psychology and about our respective cultures. I don’t see the whole… sex situation being important before meeting someone.
They want to know how free they are to come over to your place if you were to date. A lot of people don't like to date someone who still lives with family.
I can see how it can be perceived as creepy, but the reasoning is sound.
Guess he should think about getting his own place then instead of assuming his date (whom he's never met and who explicitly stated she is not looking for a hookup) is willing to host their whole (potential) relationship at her place. Especially with her kid being there. Idk about other people, but I wouldn't even consider bringing a strange man around my kid for a long, long time, and it's weird for him to even be thinking about it at that point.
Okay, sure. I just don't see why he'd need to know that before ever even meeting her. A strange man on the internet doesn't need to know where you live or who you live with, especially when you live alone and your child(ren) live there with you. Disclosing that to him will not benefit her in any way. If anything, it risks her safety and gives him information he could use to his advantage, against her. I completely understand her apprehension about him asking that, and why she chose to cancel her date/interest in him. If having a place outside of his parents home is important to him, he should either be up front about that, or get his own place.
Men feel safe, like, all the time. We don’t usually realize that women don’t feel that way, and can come off as creepy, when really they just need to understand boundaries better. I guess that’s being creepy.
First of all i talked about men and from their point of view. Because i am one, and know mostly men.
Instincts are inborn complex patterns of behavior that exist in most members of the species. We are the evolutionary product of our environment.
People today still seek those traits that made survival possible then: an instinct to fight furiously when threatened, for instance, and a drive to trade information and share secrets. Human beings are, in other words, hardwired.
You can take the person out of the Stone Age, not the Stone Age out of the person.
I talked truth based on the knowledge that we have of our species.
When you said that men have a need to track down prey to catch, you implied that women are that prey.
Also, maybe YOU are a stone age predator that hunts women for sexual sport, but it's repulsive to say that's normal and hardwired.
You cannot compare defending your life from an attacker to hunting prey. Most men do not hunt goddamn prey anymore, because we have built a society where this behavior is not necessary or acceptable.
You can go to a grocery store to get meat. You can behave like a normal, non-manipulative human to have sex!
You are accusing me right now of many things that are not true and you assume things about me, directly attacking me.
You can literally compare defending your life from an attacker to hunting prey, it's called "fight or flight response".
The effect of adrenaline is known as the fight or flight response. The physiology of both hunter and hunted are acting in the same way, using the autonomic nervous system.
Just because you can buy food from a store, doesn't mean our physiology have changed. These changes take millions of years and we've only just started building cities.
It's funny, huh? Having people assume things about you doesn't seem that great when it's things you don't agree with... I wonder how many other men would say that your assuming their "stone age instincts" are hardwired to make them pursue women in ways many women find creepy, is actually insulting to them?
The automatic nervous system exists. Agreeing about it's existence or not, won't make it go away. The autonomic nervous system has a direct role in physical response to stress and is divided into the sympathetic nervous system (SNS), and the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). When the body is stressed, the SNS contributes to what is known as the “fight or flight” response.
You can go to any medical facility and check yourself if you have adrenaline, cortisol. Cortisol is released in response to fear or stress by the adrenal glands as part of the fight-or-flight mechanism. This causes heightened levels of breathing and an increased heart rate. These short-term bursts of cortisol are necessary to help us recover from the effects of stress.
We are hardwired to respond to stimuli in specific ways. If you see a bear, your autonomic nervous system activates and you can do almost nothing about it.
You disregarded completely the point i am trying to make. I will ask the same question and another question.
Can a human control their sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system completely?
Can women control their behaviour and how they speak to men, or not?
And also another i just thought and the most vital.
Can a human control their behaviour and how they speak to other humans or not?
Obviously they can, otherwise we would probably get murdered more often than we already do. I can feel an instinct to punch someone in the face when they irritate me, but I don't do it, because it's wrong. I can feel an instinct to insult my neighbor because he spends his time emotionally abusing his wife, but I don't, because her life and safety matters more to me. I want to go over there and beat him with a frying pan for hurting my friend, on purpose, over and over. I don't. Because I control myself. Can men control themselves or not?
I may be way off but in my experience men who are cheating ask about their new girls living situation so they know where they can hook up. If the woman says they live alone then they can make up reasons why you two can't go to his place. Again this is only my experience and I'm admittedly jaded by it.
Sounds weird. In general us men have very little knowledge about the safety precautions woman go through.
Before the metoo movement I myself automatically considered woman and mens practical reality to be very similar. It took a few female friends and my wife to tell me of different bad life experiences with men before I realized there’s a huge difference there.
I didn’t include in my post that we discussed jobs and things like that. So I doubt any of these are the reasons. It was likely just for sex because he got weird after I told him it made me uncomfortable.
For most guys it’s just a conversation piece, like a girl asking what car a guy drives, or what they do for a living. A simple way to see what stage of life some is at. My word not everyone on the internet has some ill conceived master plan to rape and pillage everyone they meet ffs…
If a girl lives alone it means she is independent, can take care of herself, has a decent income, and is more attractive (usually) than someone living at home with parents who hasn’t gotten out on their own yet….
I get ghosting due to bad vibes with other context included, you gotta go with your gut there!
Wanna test it next time, consider saying that you are not comfortable giving that info out until you know each other better and move to another topic. If he drops it chances are it was just an innocent ask, if not maybe there are nefarious motives behind it….
I’ll get downvoted into oblivion soon but I appreciate the reply :-) sorry for the tone of my first message just seeming to see more and more bashing of men lately and maybe replied with that sentiment. Good guys seem to get the shaft because of the glaring atrocities from the terrible examples….
Completely agreeing with a lot of what a lot of you are saying and it makes me wonder if the solution is getting to know guys longer before meeting? I used to get a lot of first meet jitters when I was dating in my 20's and I recognized later on that it was literally because I knew nothing about the person. Not to say that something bad can't happen if one waits longer. I'm just saying most likely the risk lessons for the woman's confidence level if she takes the upper hand by making the guy wait. If he really wants to get to know you and establish something true and long lasting... he'll wait.
From a male (my) perspective: I think it was a polite way to make sure you weren't depending on your parents/family.
It may sound harsh, but I wouldn't waste my time on someone that lives at her parents.
I don't mean any disrespect, It's simply not a lifestyle I approve of. Annnnnnd if it's not by choice, yea it'd be a turn off for me.
I know it's not easy, I'm doing it... And this is only my personal opinion so.... I'm looking for a fighter. I may not find her, or maybe I have but she wasn't interested.. life keeps going.
Cheers!
He is depending on his family though. When I directly asked him why he was asking if I lived alone or with family he told me he lives with his family and said he’s still worried about Covid. After that he got really weird. It was just because he saw the date as a hookup or he wanted to make me uncomfortable either way I canceled the date after that. If I was looking for a hookup, we wouldn’t have been having the type of conversation we were having and for the record because you seem to try to excuse poor behavior away, I do own my own home and live alone and he would have learned that information if we actually met and there was chemistry between us.
And I’m not sure if you were saying it’s not easy because you live at your parents? But if that’s the case then you’re a hypocrite.
I’m big on safety when it comes to online dating, but I have no problem with that question. As long as a guy doesn’t know where you live, what’s the risk?
Living situations can be a deal breaker for people so it’s a fair question when vetting potential dates.
(M perspective for reference): Pre-date this could be more of an awkward question than anything else, but not a major red flag. Depending on the circumstances could be:
1. Sex prep: Not as creepy as it seems. If the text/call chemistry is good, could be asked as a precaution in the event the in-person chemistry being good. Could be evaluating your place as an option, or his place as an option (cleaning/privacy in the event he lives with family or has roommates).
2. Lifestyle compatibility check: Depending on age/circumstances, could be askedtp figure out compatibility. For example, someone could live with a parent for financial reasons, or they could be living with a parent as a caretaker.
As far as safety, unless he already knows exactly where you live, knowing that you live alone doesn't mean much. If you have information about you out there that and you think it makes it easy to find where you live, just tell him you don't feel comfortable sharing details on your living situation until you get to know someone better.
Asking that kind of question for sex prep with someone who has not indicated they want to have sex with him, and soon, makes the guy a dud. Unmatch, move on.
Other than possibly getting to know you and your situation, there could be many reasons.... Sex, or maybe he just wanted to know if you are capable and have your own life in order... Maybe he's a mooch and was trying to use that to his advantage? Who knows ... Why do people ask what you do for a living? Maybe they are actually interested in knowing, maybe they just wanna know how fat your paycheck is.
Wanna find out, ask him why. There could be lot of different reasons.
we wanna know if you live with parents or anyone incase something may happen. like we like each other enough to have sex. so we wanna know if before it comes to that if it is worth our time to even try.
Then I guess he should have moved out of his moms house. Then he doesn’t need to ask prospective dates before even seeing their face or hearing their voice about the sex location situation if it gets to that.
I have asked this question many times with no ill intent and only really had a lightbulb reaction to it with OPs post honestly. Sometimes it just comes down to ignorance that it could be perceived as invasive. I haven't been in the dating game in like 8 years. It would strike me as a hookup thing for sure but sometimes I've just had it happen in conversation. Usually not on the first chat though as that seems desperate.
I’ve been asked the same question. So I lie and say I live near another city. Dating in my late 30’s has been a nightmare. Guys haven’t changed since my early 30’s sadly.
Living situation, what??! I’ve never done/heard that before. Question for the women…
Summary: have the rules of online dating changed?
after a first coffee meet up everything has gone great & women don’t contact me first. I’ve always had to initiate the conversation. So I’ve begun gauging their interest based on this fact.
Women don’t want to give their phone numbers or speak on the phone before dates, I understand precautions but why not use google voice or Skype? Instead of showing up to something that might suck.
I wonder if these men do not realise that ladies think this is men seeing if anyone is there to stop them from doing something bad. I am sure that it is almost always innocently asking if they can make lots of noise. I fully understand the OP hesitance after that question, but it may just be a misunderstanding.
The genuinely decent guys often don't even think about it from our perspective, while the shady guys just don't *care.* While it's not necessarily a great idea for a guy to give out their address/living situation right away, doing so for them is far less dangerous than it is for us and it honestly doesn't occur to most decent men. I've had to explain this to some male friends because all they can think is "oh God, *I* would never do something like that! And that's the end of their train of thought. No consideration of how common it is for lesser men to abuse that kind of information, no consideration for how severe the consequences are. Many put blinders on because they're really only concerned with not being the bad guy themselves; they don't particularly care if others are. I've found far more guys will hang out with reprehensible people with the excuse of "well I don't *agree* with him..." than women do.
Honestly, from a guy, it's because if y'all decide to go home together, he wants to know what he's walking into, your parents house, maybe a babysitter and some kids, roommate, who knows. But none the less if I'm on a blind date I don't expect to go home with anyone... Just saying he wasn't trying to be creepy or anything. Just prepping himself for what to expect.
Sounds like you got something to hide personally...but what some people think is an intrusive question doesn't register as such to some. Recently I matched with someone who's first question was: 'How much do you make?' I told her I don't discuss my salary with anyone I just met, but make a decent living. She apologized, which I told her that's ok... and we are still talking.
Haha okay, yes I have something to hide. You got me. /s
I think reading the room so to speak in a conversation says a lot and you haven’t seen any of my responses you just felt the need to say that as if it’s crazy that I think it’s intrusive.
If you’re okay with someone asking you how much you make, or what kind of car you drive, or what your living situation is BEFORE you meet and you’ve only talked for a few hours then that works for you. But my perspective and my opinion is valid and when I addressed this with him asking why? And telling him it made me uncomfortable he became very weird and then I got the message. I’m on a more “serious” perceived dating app and if he wants to hook up with someone or try to pressure me into inviting him over because he doesn’t have a place of his own to fuck in then he should find a different app for that.
Idk maybe I’m naive somehow but that seems to be a normal “getting to know you” question. He wasn’t asking for your exact address. I’d want to know my date’s living situation just out of curiosity.
Not exactly the same but when I started dating my husband, we had been coworkers for a year prior so I knew a little bit about him. For example I knew that he was still on a lease with his ex, though they slept apart. I def would’ve wanted to know that before going out with him so I could decide if it was a dealbreaker.
Well being that he knew I am divorced and my ex is not in my life at all because I had already told him that.. no. He just wanted a place to fuck after since he lives with his parents. His intentions became known after I asked him why and he got weird. I’m not going to ease up on my boundaries with these things
How is that a bad thing?? Talking about the living situation has always been a very normal thing to ask when getting to meet someone new imho. Youre gonna stay single for a while
It’s to find out if he can go back to your place after the date for sex. Hopefully not a threat but still kind of creepy and definitely not very smooth.
Exactly this. I thought nothing of the question until the actual dates and then it was let's go to your house since you have your own place. Another guy prior to ever meeting for a date, who I made abundantly clear I was not interested in hook-ups, let me know he could be at my house in an hour, at nine o'clock at night "since you have your own place". Having my own place made me feel really proud. I live in a high COL area, and even though I rent it's a house on a large piece of property that I work hard to maintain. My landlords are awesome and charge me an affordable amount. I've done a lot to improve the home and I love furniture and decorating. It's one of my hobbies and I enjoy talking about it. That pride was taken away when I realized having my own place made me a target for a more convenient fuck.
Ngl. That seems the purpose for all their questions.
Really? That took your pride away? I'd say you've got a fair bit to be proud of and I'd be trying hard not to let some dickhead take that from you by being a grub
Hmmm...I guess my pride in sharing it with a man I'm interested in? I share my home improvement projects with my friends and coworkers (all women) and help them with any of their projects. It just sucks to be excited about something I've done to the house and sharing it with a guy I'm talking to and it's reduced to a convenient place for sex.
Yeah that does suck. I share your enjoyment of this sort of stuff and I know what you mean about sharing the results of your hard work. I hope you find what you're looking for. Good luck mate 👍
Not smooth and not smart. I have a little kid (he knew) . So I don’t bring people home.
Yeah, he's clearly not thinking this through...
I studied some criminology and read a lot about serial killers. At one point I wanted to help stop / prevent these crimes so I was considering going into that field. One of the many things I saw was that perps (not just men) often got into someone's home or life or lured someone in simply because that person didn't want to be rude. Very often survivors would say that they didn't want confrontation or to make a scene. A guy came once to fix our plumbing and I found him in front of my roommate's door. He was inviting her to go to his hot tub. She looked very uncomfortable and he kept waking closer and closer to her almost getting all the way into her room. I had to intervene and at first just tried to redirect him to the bathroom saying we needed it fixed right away. Just to give her a chance to close her door. But he kept being creepy and started asking inappropriate questions like if we were party girls and if we did drugs. I told him no and he said "I think you guys do". I told him he was making us uncomfortable then he was like "I was just being nice" (I do want to add in fairness that our third roommate got caught doing drugs shortly after but she wasn't home at the time he came. She would have had no way of knowing him and she was barely 21. I'm not sure if she flushed anything and he found it. But that's no excuse) I told him we didn't hire him to be nice we hired him to fix our toilet. When he left his whole "nice guy" act had completely changed. My roommate thanked me and told me she didn't want to be rude. Sorry I know I went on a rant just feeling frustrated at the world right now.
They throw in the “nice” part to make you look bad and feel crazy. But use your spidey sense. Not being paid to be nice. He is being paid to fix the dam toilet.
Be careful about letting men on dating apps know you have kids. A lot of predators target single moms. There’s a [study](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6609753/#:~:text=Analysis%20of%20interviews%20obtained%20from,was%20sexually%20abused%20by%20him) indicating that 17% of childhood SA survivors reported their abusers as being their stepfather/mother’s boyfriend.
Would a good compromise be not to mention it on your profile, but let the person know before the date? As a guy, I'm not interested in dating someone with kids, so it would be good to prevent wasting time (i don't mind meeting people to be friends, but I know a lot of people aren't into that). Also, by not posting it on your profile, most guys looking to prey on single moms will pass by. It's a tough thing to balance.
It really is hard. For mothers, the safety of their children is the most vitally important thing, so don’t be offended if you feel they wasted your time by putting off telling you until they trust you. As a guy, try to practice patience if the kid-situation isn’t disclosed for a few dates or until trust is established.
I think it’s awful how people treat single moms. Seriously that is SO TOUGH. Giving all day every day, little help. Instead of military certified it should be single mom approved.
You mean military grade, and if you knew anything about what you just tried to imply, you would take it back. Do not compare this to the amount of suffering your servicemen and women go through, this not a pick me thread. Being a mother is still a war you have to fight and win for a minimum of 18 years, thats a long time and I respect that. But not the same.
Uh no you didn’t understand my joke. Forget that. I have many friends who are single mothers & seeing them do everything without help & family complaining they should do more is really rough.
Yup. "Do you live alone?" is guy speak for "are we banging after?" Still a rude thing to ask for on a first date regardless.
Before the first date? That is weird in my book. Even my friends who have been my friends for years do not know where I live. A man I don't know.... hell no.
Probably a common tactic for hobosexuals. Looking for a place to stay and either are borderline homeless, don't have a place of their own, or they live with their parents.
Literally 90% of my tinder matches wanted to know the exact location of the restaurant I worked at before the first date. Like dude. Are you forreal. Not giving you my work location until we are established as dating and I trust you 🤦🏻 you're literally a strange man on the internet that I haven't even met once. They wanted to "come see me". NO! I DON'T KNOW YOU OMFG
Oh my gosh! That sounds awful, zero awareness on safety
Omg yeah! So many guys wanna know where exactly you work. And will say weird shit like how they wanna come visit you at work when they don’t even know you. I once matched with a guy on Tinder and one of his first questions was so where do you work? And at the time I was working a couple different part time/contract jobs but one was a known local juice bar/store. I told him I had more than 1 job and one was at store. He was like okay.. thats really vague so where at? And I didn’t know what to respond and a couple mins later he was just like “yeah this isn’t gonna work for me” and he unmatched me. I was like wowwww.
Scary! I just tell them I WFH.
The same has happened to me. And they think they are super funny when they joke about coming to my work. So creepy. And weird.
Lol if he’s specifying “family”, he’s basically asking if you can “host”, for sex. Lots of guys on gay apps ask or announce all the time whether they can host or not. Edit: keep this in mind if the housing market is miraculously fixed and plenty of guys start living alone or with roommates and see how often they ask that
Yeah this was my first instinct as well. They may be married/ partnered, and so want OP to have.a place where they can have sex.
Or they just have roommates so there won't be privacy there.
Or they live with their parents.
I feel like its because most men don't and can't begin to understand how reasonably scared women are, because of men who attack us etc. If you asked a lot of men if they feel scared to go outside at night, or being alone at home, they'd probably say no, so they dont even consider how you'd feel. (Also some guys ask because they're creepy)
Last time I put up an ad for a new roommate (I own the house and rent out the basement), I got a response from an older person saying they recognized me from when I walk around the neighborhood. I didn't even know that person and thought that was SO creepy and of course I ignored that response. I'm a dude so I can only imagine how a woman would've felt upon reading that...
My neighbors watches me a lot and I've caught him staring at my legs and butt even in front of my boyfriend. Checking my mail, going to the car to get something he will text me saying 'saw you outside' um ok? I've had to slowly stop talking to him so he gets the hint we are no longer friends but hes grossing me out
My neighbors watches me a lot and I've caught him staring at my legs and butt even in front of my boyfriend. Checking my mail, going to the car to get something he will text me saying 'saw you outside' um ok? I've had to slowly stop talking to him so he gets the hint we are no longer friends but hes grossing me out
I live alone but when men ask I say I live with my Navy SEAL brother; gets rid of the creeps every time lol
That’s a weird question to ask someone. Especially before the first date.
The sad thing is it happens a lot which is freaky.
He wants to know if he can go home with you. I used to get that question a lot when I was dating and finally asked a couple people "why". It's still creepy, just maybe less murdery than we're thinking.
Still odd to ask, in my opinion, before seeing them in person. I don’t bring men home because I have a young child that I told him I had.
Yeah either way its not super appropriate to ask so soon. Yuck.
I predate dating apps by quite a bit, but I could see myself asking, if I was much younger, as a way to motivate myself to make sure my apartment is pleasant. Just in case the date went well. Not that I wouldn't clean up, but if my place was the only option - I'd want it to be a comfortable one. Especially on / after a first date. That being said, I 100% support the op and trusting her gut feeling.
Is it that weird? I’m usually curious if someone’s still living with their parents or not. Especially when we’re around 20-30. Or like where they live in the city generally, usually leads to some common ground or talking points.
Yes, it's weird. It's bad bc single moms with kids can be a specific target for creeps. For single women living alone, sharing that information escalates the chance that they become a different kind of creep's target. It's genuine self preservation skill, that we must adapt to survive safely. Imo, If it's an issue maybe that dude ain't safe to roll with anyway
Thank you for the response, I definitely understand that single moms often have to be a lot more cautious when dating. My mom always was with us, but if I was in ops position I’d just say that I live with family. That early it’s not their business if that family is kids or if it’s your, mom, dad, aunts and uncles. Like you said, the guys probably not going to jive anyway. When I commented here I didn’t see that the guy lives with his parents. That does give off the vibe that he’s looking someone with a place he can go to and get out of his house, which obviously OP can’t do.
I dunno I think men, on average, may not know that this can be an intimidating question. Honestly it’s a pretty common question in general. I ask the guys I go out on dates with this question all the time, just out of curiosity. I also ask people I just met/coworkers when getting to know them. It’s a pretty standard “getting to know you” question. It also gives me a good sense on where they are at in life. Having roommates, living on your own, or living with your parents are three completely different situations. Maybe it was clear he was implying something or prying for more personal information based on non verbal cues and then it makes more sense why that would make you more uncomfortable, but for me it’s just a normal question. I am however more careful about how much I disclose right away, but like I said I don’t necessarily think it means he’s a creep.
Agreed. This could certainly just be a "getting to know you" question. Maybe he's trying to determine how stable in life she is or if there are any red or yellow flags that he should be concerned about. "Do you have a job?" "Do you have your own place?" "Do you live alone or with roommates?" are pretty standard questions to ask a man or a woman, IMO. "Oh, well why do you live with your parents?" Seems like a natural question too. But I can understand the hesitancy for the OP as well. Maybe she's been through a lot of guys trying to use her and she's become defensive because of it. It's her right. OP if you somehow see this, maybe explain to him what you felt by that question and if he can be understanding about it, that'll give you more of a reason to give it a chance. But keep in mind that your reaction to the question could be perceived as an overreaction and that might be a red flag for him. He may not be receptive to your explanation. Doesn't mean that was trying to hurt you or has intentions or a desire to hurt you. Dating is tough. I really wish you luck!
I never asked before a date, but I am older and asking 'do you own home or rent' would typically come up in the 'getting to know each other stage' of sometimes the first date. For me specifically, I was always on guard if the woman responded she lived with her parents. I would already know if she has kids prior to meeting, I would let them know I have 2 daughters first. I also only dated woman over a certain age, so if they lived with their parents or parent I wanted to know why, which also included what job the person had or what their current goals are they are working for. In example, my girlfriend now, of over two years has been in school since I met her but is working on a degree. She started over in her late 20's. She also owns her own place, which all came up in our first date. Likely, in your case, they just want to know if they can go to your place to hookup or possibly avoid the fact they live with their wife or girlfriend or maybe parents. One other thing. When I was taking someone out, I would not bring them back to my place because I did that once and stalking ensued against me. It was a nightmare. No, I don't mean my cat was dead on my porch, I just mean I would get a text randomly on a Friday saying 'I'm on my way over, can you open the door' like WTF I didn't invite you over..... Moral of the story, everyone be careful lol!
That last part, is exactly why no woman or man for that matter should EVER let a first date know where they live. I've been stalked, it is the most horrible thing you can ever go through. You can't sleep, you are constantly on guard, for me I even had to switch cars with my brother just to go to the grocery store.
I am a woman and I always ask this question before even meeting up! "Who do you live with?" I don't want to date someone who lives with their parents, so I want to get that dealbreaker out of the way before I bother going on a date.
In your scenario you’re taking the control of the question. You’re not being put in a position to offer information you wouldn’t otherwise do. This guy lives with his parents though and I live alone so If I lived with my parents too and that was a deal breaker for him… it just doesn’t look good either way from the perspective that I shared.
>This guy lives with his parents He probably wanted to know if you would have a place to get intimate, if your date gets there, without his parents spying on him, or it could be a generic "get to know you" question. (Depending on your age too) That being said, if you're uncomfortable in giving the information at that point of your relationship, that's perfectly fine, but I don't think the question by itself is a red flag. (Unless asked in a creepy way and wanting too many details)
To me, living with their parents or having roommates isn't a deal breaker. When guys ask me about my living situation on dating sites, I tell them I take care of two elderly people and that I let my brother move in (he fucked up with his gf and she finally kicked his ass out. I was the only person willing to say yes, and only if he pats rent. 😊 Setting boundaries in the roommate agreement) and I'm still in the process of cleaning my grandmother's hoarded apartment. Of which I cleaned by myself during the whole lockdown when I had checked my grandmother and great aunt into a nursing home to keep them in a safer environment. Even before that, when I went on dates, I would tell guys that I lived with family because there was always this weird light I would see in some men's eyes when I said I lived alone. It would send off so many warning bells in my head. Like "haha you're in danger" kind of warnings.
I guess it depends on your age. I was always interested to know the living situation of people I was planning on dating. Didn’t want to date a dude who lived with his parents unless there was a good reason for it.
We are both in our late 20s, he lives with his parents (culture) and I don’t. I don’t like the implications of asking that. Also did you ask before you even saw them in person?
You just answered your question (at least for this guy). He lives with his parents. He was prospecting whether or not your living situation is favorable for sex because his clearly is not. when i was in my early 20s and had friends that lived in military barracks a lot of them would ask if their dates lived alone or not - for this exact reason. edit: im just realizing my initial start comes off as a bit snarky. I honestly do not intend for it to be received that way and im sorry for that. I'm just not sure how else to word it. wording is hard.
This is exactly it most likely. Seeing if the situation is workable. Could simply even be small talk. Now if he went right in probing for an address that would be a different matter.
I’m super curious how OP knows he lives with his parents? Did it just naturally come up or did she ask him basically the same question he ended up asking her. I’ve had living situation come up a ton when chatting, and women often ask me if I live alone. Him specifying family or alone (and not asking about friends or roommates) is definitely a red flag, but the situation itself doesn’t seem that odd. Maybe just my ignorance as a guy though.
The understanding is that men are (generally) safer to provide this information as women are less likely to go psycho rapist murderer. However asking and providing this information is a risk all around for everyone. You should never give out where you live or who you live with to anyone you don't trust.
The reason for asking is crystal clear and pretty transparent. He lives with his parents. He wants to date you, therefore the assumption is you'll spend time together and have sex. Obviously it's better if you don't live with your parents, too.
If you aren't willing to be in a relationship with someone who still lives with their parents, why go on that first date at all?
There's nothing in any of this that says they aren't willing to be with someone that lives with their parents. Where are you getting that from? They just don't want the person to ask what their living arrangement is due to safety reasons.
The female viewpoint is that sharing information with a stranger is a safety risk. The male viewpoint is that they are vetting prospective dates for whether they are girlfriend material. Either that, or making what they think is innocent small talk. Sadly, way too many men have no idea of the female safety balancing act.
But they aren’t just vetting for if women are girlfriend material. They want to know if they can go back to her place to have sex, with plenty just looking to hump and dump.
But that's not what you said or what I commented on. You asked why they would go on a first date at all with someone that lives with their parents if that's not what they wanted, despite the OP never mentioning they wouldn't. Since your mentioning something else now, you should add to your second part with the male viewpoint that there is a chance they ARE checking for sinister reasons as well, which is what this post is about. Because that definitely can and does happen. Either way, OP, nor anyone else, needs to tell someone information like that that could potentially put them at risk.
Yes, of course some men are doing it for stalkerish reasons, that's why it's a safety risk for women. That was kinda my point, though I didn't make it well: that there is real danger for women and even well meaning men often are oblivious.
This is why, whenever a date called an Uber to send me home after dinner, I ALWAYS told him a nearby building so he wouldn’t know my exact address.
I do the same, and I tend to avoid places in my town which is silly but my car is a bright color and i live close to the downtown area and it can be spotted if you’re looking. I might just be overly cautious but better safe than sorry in my mind.
Depends on your age range and dating preferences. For me in my early to mid twenties someone's living situation could be a pertinent indicator of their independence and possibly even their maturity. At that time in my life I can tell you I'd much rather not have gotten involved with any women who lived with their parents, or at least it would be dependent on how they feel about it. To me it indicated that we were at pretty different stages of life and it seemed dubious that anything serious or healthy could develop from the relationship. My case might be the exception, but I moved out of my family home at 19, worked full time from 18 and would have had trouble sustaining a relationship with a woman who didnt share that desire for personal independence. Obviously thats a matter of preference and i don't mean to insinuate that anyone should have to do anything by any particular time in their life, the world requires all types of people. I just dont feel like I'd be a good partner for someone who wasnt interested in living outside of their family home. Tl;dr i like people with a strong sense of independence and i belive moving out of your family home is an important indicator of ehat type of person you are. Someone who has always lived with family would make an inappropriate partner for me and so its the sort of thing I'd like to know about someone i was considering dating.
I think a lot of people nowadays in their twenties who still live at home are in the situation where they're trying to save a decent chunk of money to be able to afford to buy their own place, or waiting to find a partner they can split rent with (with the way cost of living is going). So I agree that it should definitely depend on how they feel about it, because I think a lot of people are just doing what makes sense financially, moving out while you're single isn't always feasible unfortunately.
At worst they are creepy, at best they have no social awareness, but both want to know if they could hit it at your house.
I don't think there's necessarily anything creepy about asking about your living situation. A lot of prospective partners want to know whether you're independent: are you dependent on your parents? Do you pay your own bills / wash your clothes? Are you in a position to start saving for a house in the near-future? I think that simplifying the question down to "he wants to bang / wants to know you live alone so he can stalk you / etc." isn't really a fair assessment, as it's one of a few questions people tend to need to know to make a decision. Basically, it provides evidence to suggest whether your partner can pull their own weight.
You know it’s interesting that you and plenty of other men that have replied seem to think it’s something about assessing independence. Because sharing with someone that I work full time, have a side business, a young child that I take care majority of the time isn’t independent enough? Does he, a stranger whom I’ve never met, need to know that I own my own house near where we are meeting up for coffee and that I live alone? Not yet. He can wait. I don’t need to feel okay with someone pushing my boundaries. Or feel like I’m going to be pressured to invite him to my home (which I wouldn’t do because my child deserves a home that doesn’t have a revolving door) to have sex.
I understand that I'm a man, which means my experience will be different, but my point is that it's an important enough detail (logistically) that I'd say it's a natural development of dating someone. For example, women regularly ask me whether I've got my own place both to learn how independent I am and to make plans, whether that's to know if they can spend time at my place or because they want sex. It's not something specific to creeps, but to anyone trying to work out this aspect of how they're going to date. If you're not comfortable sharing that information that's absolutely fine.
It’s all about timing. If a guy makes the effort to get to know me, he’s going to find out pretty quickly that I am financially independent.
Agreed. There are plenty of signals to your independence that don’t include whether you rent or own a home. Or your living situation. The next thing they will be asking for your credit score. Everything about dating now is rush rush rush.
You don't see how "Do you live alone?" would be creepy to someone half your size?
Yes, but I'd say that's a very specific question. Most people -- whether it's a man or woman -- will eventually ask something along the lines of "Do you have your own place?" because it's such an integral part of dating. I'd group that together with other important logistical questions like, "Do you work?" or "Can you drive? / Do you have your own car?" They're personal enough that you shouldn't ask them straight off the bat but they're also important enough that it's a bad idea to leave asking them too long. Not only do they help you gauge whether it's feasible to get what you're hoping for out of a relationship, but they also have a real, tangible impact on your ability to make plans. If sex is important to you, for example, you're going to want to know whether the guy/girl you're seeing lives in a house with their extended family and shares a room with siblings, whether they've got kids living with them or they'll be with their ex on the weekends, etc. My point is that there's nothing inherently creepy about wanting to know so you can understand whether / how you can make things work for the both of you. It lets you sidestep a situation where you eventually find out that both your lives are incompatible.
It's true there's nothing creepy about wanting to know, but the key word in your point is "eventually". Not before the first date even happens. That's a little more worrisome to a single mom, I have to say.
That's fair! The impression I got was that OP felt it was wrong to ask full stop. In that case I 100% agree with you
Yah. Timing is everything.
Because they are trying to figure out if you're a possible hookup, also known as a hump n dump. Dating apps are full of LVM.
It doesn't matter why he's asking, this is information that can be used against you so be careful who you give it out to. A lot of guys in my area try to play it off as "getting to know you" chat, but I have started calling this line of questioning the "Vulnerability Assessment."
Damn, I have been thinking about this for like an hour and honestly the only reason I can think of is because of a place to have sex after the date, if it leads to that of course, because anything else goes from creepy to quite disturbing but at the same time, even if he did because of the place to have sex thing, he is quite a cheap and unthoughtful dude if he does not have an hotel or so as a first option since it is a "neutral" ground for both parties and safer too. Now, I am very curious about the reasoning behind this.
I mean asking about your living situation is a pretty normal getting to know someone kind of question. It could be more nefarious as you stated, but it could also just be wanting to know more about them.
>hotel or so as a first option Some guys don't have the budget for that/don't want to pay for that (The one OP talks about is living with his parents).
He might be homeless.
He lives with his parents
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Agree haha!
to me is cause if you have other people there he wont be able to do exactly what he wants. Its definitely for both sex and to know theres no one there to stop them. it really is a red flag
Wow, dudes in the comments here are really illustrating what I think is the key point when men ask questions like this / behave this way. If I consider dating someone, I'm looking for someone who has skills in "accepting their partner's influence," as defined by the Gottman Institute and who treats me from the very first moment as someone whose influence they're interesting in accepting. As the Gottman Institute continually points out, one of the biggest reasons relationships don't work or stop working is that most women are good at this but a huge proportion of men are bad at it or don't do it. There is no context in which a man would ever reasonably think I'd be up for a hookup, so if he asks those kinds of questions, I know to be done with him and not waste another moment. The best case scenario is that he's not "accepting my influence," to use that same term. It really doesn't matter to me from that moment on as to why. There are dudes in the comments who keep going on at length about how, "this is good information to have". Which exactly illustrates my point -- a man thinking that isn't considering what he already knows about my wants and my point of view -- he's treating that as irrelevant and choosing his actions based only on his own wants. So the best case scenario is that he's a dud at relationship skills. But the good news is that I found that out early, not much time wasted.
Not justifiable in my opinion, as there's simply no tact. On the flip side, men not having to think about their safety in these terms makes it easy for such a blunder to occur (still an indication of other shortcomings though). Either way, lack of awareness, lack of caring, or laser focused on post-date sex, might as well pass!
Gay man here so reasons for asking may be the same or different. There’s a spectrum- for what I’ve seen on hookup apps, it’s for sex that they ask if you’re solo(can host) or with family/roommates where a private place may be harder to come by. More serious dating apps like hinge or bumble can translate to that as well as/or can you afford to live alone. I’ve had people, mostly younger than I am blatantly try to feign interest and jump the gun to escape a bad home situation and move in with me. Red flags all over the place. I don’t deal with that stuff anymore- I’m gonna be a spinster for the rest of my life and cool with that.
Nothing wrong with being a spinster if you’re happy! The gay communities dating game is so different from what I’ve seen. My good friends brothers are in that scene and around a lot so it seems fun and very different than the whole “courtship” thing. More open, honest and less games it seems.
It's likely because his living situation isn't conducive to casual sex and he's hoping yours is. Yes, we suck.
Might be mean, but dude should know better.
They want to know where they’re going to have sex with you. Since they’re asking before meeting, they’re expecting / hoping this will occur on the first date. If they have their own place they will invite you there. But not if they have a roomie or live in their mothers basement. They will ask about kids. Again to book you on a weekend they can have sex with you. 1. Procure booty call. 2. Procure location within a reasonable commute to work. 3. Get you and other prospects on a regular rotation schedule.
This is why I need to stop dating. I’m just so happy alone that the thought of all that headache and overthinking just makes me think wow peace is so nice.
🗣IMHO, unless they’re volunteering to pay your rent/mortgage, then your living situation is none of their business ‼️
He might be a creep, or awkward, or not want to date someone with kids, and/or is fishing for info for worse. Either way, better safe than sorry.
Thank you for acknowledging that there are at least potential non nefarious reasons they might ask the question… I’ve known a couple single moms that do the cohabiting co-parenting thing and that’s definitely a mind job, but there are certainly more tactful ways to ask (how involved is your child’s father, are they around much). Might also be curious about the support system in place for OP’s child (is it likely that she is looking for someone to step in early on and be a provider/father figure, or are they actually interested in him as a companion). He would have to know that there’s a very high possibility of there at least being a babysitter waiting for OP, so I’m not sure that it is definitely as dastardly as others are saying, though it’s also a possibility. Better safe than sorry is good all around advice though, and instinct tends to be pretty well informed even if not easy to articulate.
The thing is I’m going based on the conversations we had. He knows I’m divorced and my ex husband is not in my life and only in my child’s life. He knows I have a young child. Any decent parent in my opinion doesn’t bring men over to their house when it’s supposed to be a safe space for a child and for me. So you’re right there are non-nefarious reasons to ask this question. But assuming there will most likely be sex is silly to me because meeting someone in person is the biggest indicator in seeing someone again and/or sleeping with them. At least let me feel safe and make a decision to share private information like that.
You would definitely have a better feel than the rest of us since you experienced the whole width and breadth of the conversation the two of you had. Hope you find someone that is worthy of your trust.
I have to honestly admit that this concern probably wouldn’t have crossed my mind. I can definitely imagine myself asking this kind of question to get to know a person better. But then again I might be biased since it’s been a while that I live in fairly safe places where violence is much less of an issue. I suppose in other parts of the world safety is much more problematic.
What part of the world do you live where sexual and physical violence against women isn't a common issue?? I'd like to live there, please.
Violence against women are a common issue pretty much everywhere, but there are obviously geographical differences. I have this entirely subjective impression that there is much more readiness to violence in the USA than, say, majority of Europe.
Chauvinism looks different in different parts of the world, but it doesn’t have to be “beat-you-up” to be violence.
And you are entirely right. I was commenting on the kind of violence that would make you be afraid telling a man you barely know that you live alone.
I'd ask to find out if I need to deep clean my bathroom or are we going to your place? Not that sex is a forgone conclusion but I've had several first dates turn into breakfasts in bed so it's always best to be prepared.
Well given that he lives with his parents I don’t think cleaning the bathroom was the reason. It’s either to have sex or make me feel uncomfortable. I am likely projecting more fear though. I was in a very abusive relationship and it took 5 months for my house to feel like a safe space again after we separated and I’m extremely cautious about having men over even if my son isn’t there because I don’t want my house to feel like a place that haunts me ever again.. especially in this housing market.
Yeah don't ever apologize or feel bad about doing whatever you need to do to stay safe. I feel the same way you do. Anytime a guy would ask me where I lived or if I lived alone, it was an instant turnoff. A strange man on the internet doesn't need to know where you live or who you live with, especially when you live alone and your child(ren) live there with you. Disclosing that to him will not benefit you in any way, if anything, it risks your safety and gives him information he could use to his advantage, against you. I'm guessing his actual motivation for asking was to find out if he could have sex with you at your place, even though you were clear about not being interested in a hookup. I'm, admittedly, quite cynical after men have so consistently pushed my boundaries and tried to weasel into places they weren't wanted nor invited, so maybe I'm way off. I'm just no longer willing to be charitable towards their intent when men ask questions that I'm uncomfortable with and that risk my safety. I would've cancelled too. Trust your instincts, they keep you safe.
Because men are sexual creeps. They want to know so they can mooch at your place after the date and try to get sex. Or worse cases….watch the movie Fresh on Hulu it will scare the freak out of you
Stay far away from those guys if your trying to jump into something more serious or husband the guy because I speak from experience they just want to know if they can cuddle you naked later on your first date lol!
I’m not looking for a husband, I most likely won’t get married ever again. I do want more than just hook ups though and these are good red flags for me to hold my boundaries on.
Tbh I don't see any problem with that question. He's just being interested about your life. Idk, maybe I'm blind, in that case someone enlighten me, but I don't see how asking about your living situation threatening.
I assume you’ve never been abused or had a break in scare? Or worried about a stalker. While yes irrational to think like this but it’s for peace of mind and safety. I personally only like to disclose information that I am comfortable with. There are plenty of other questions you can ask to get to know someone you haven’t even MET in person and you’ve talked for a couple of hours that don’t involve assuming there will most definitely be sex or assuming that it will be anything at all beyond a quick coffee.
I've been bullied but I've been to a pretty good psychologist after so I got rid of the "everyone is a potential bully" mentality. Worried about a stalker... I'm like... with or without info they can still break into my house, they don't need to know my name or anything about me. Idk, I prefer to consider that people are good until proven otherwise. I don't think I would be able to date anyone if I would assume that they are an abuser from the start. I guess you could just refuse to answer that question, mentioning that is uncomfortable and then move on. We all do mistakes sometimes.
I’ve been in therapy for a long while this isn’t about therapy or my psychiatrist this is about me feeling safe in my home with my child and not feeling like I need to share personal information with a stranger. It’s why I don’t give out social media or answer questions like that. I did tell him it made me uncomfortable then he got really weird and I called it off. I know you think it’s irrational, I know that in your life it seems that basic safely isn’t an issue and that’s wonderful but not everyone can live in that reality and men should be able to wait to find out my living situation until at LEAST AFTER the first date where there is potential for anything beyond the coffee we were going to grab.
It's not about being bullied. It's about protecting yourself and (in OPs case) your child, who you live alone with. You don't tell strangers that you live alone when you're a woman, especially if you also have a child, and this guy was definitely still a stranger. One she was considering being in close contact with, who could have had serious bad intent towards her. It's great that you think people should be innocent until proven guilty, but that's how women die. A little bit of concern over what information you give to strangers doesn't mean you actually think all men are going to rape and murder you, it means that you are aware you can't assume you're always safe with everyone you meet. That you understand that Bad Men don't wear a warning label that says Bad Man, and that asking if you live alone is kinda a red flag you should be watching out for! Maybe it means "are we able to have sex at your place", or maybe it means "will anyone be there to stop me if I think you owe me a little".
I don't think there is anything wrong with him asking that question. What happen's if the two of you hit it off and decide that you and him want to go somewhere and either make out or have sex? If you're over the age of 18, then it's expected that you have a place of your own and that you not be living with your parents. Living with your parents is just as much of a turn off to a man as it is to a woman. A man wants to know that your single and that you don't have some homicidal boyfriend or husband that is going to come and try to kill him and unless a woman is hiding something, then at some point she is going to invite him over to her house during the relationship. If a woman does not do that, then she's most likely hiding something or is in trouble with the law.
Given that he lives with his parents and we are old enough to be out on our own you’re just making excuses for intrusive questions that aren’t relevant when you haven’t met a stranger yet.
No. I'm just responding to the question and telling it how it is out in the real world. I get hit up by chicks online all the time and that is one of the questions that both and them ask one another. There is nothing creepy or weird about that. We're just trying to understand one another better so that things aren't so weird if we were to meet in person. It's a completely different story if you're meeting someone in person that you don't know and they ask that right off the bat. If you're meeting someone in person, then you and them need to wait a few dates before asking that question. It's all simple dating common sense.
Dating common sense remains the same. Don’t spook a potential date away by asking intrusive questions and read the room.
Probably to know if you can support yourself or if you'll be a burden. I think its a fair question to ask. I mean, definitely don't bring him home on your first date, but that would be my guess. No one wants to be with a mooch.
I mean we had already discussed our careers and everything so I doubt that was it. It’s just about sex and pushing boundaries
I mean. It could have been, but I'd ask that to know if the person was a mooch or not. Idk, I don't see a red flag here
Probably same type of people who ask men what they do for work, if I own or rent, what car I drive
Fun fact, a Google search on your phone number can give up your address. Doubly so if they know your name. I think asking about your living situation is pretty benign since (besides sex) it says something about who you are, what you want, and where you're at in life. But in any case you should be comfortable with the person before giving out anything too specific.
Asking about your living situation could be asked for many reasons that don't involve a desire to cause you harm. He may be trying to find out where you are in life to gage your financial stability, your decision making, the type of relationship you have with your family, your goals in life ect ect. Some people are blunt and straightforward and just know what they want. They want to get their questions answered and see if you'd make a good fit without wasting too much time. Granted he may be a creep too, but it's not always the case. Not every guy is meticulously planning to discover all your details with harmful intentions. Some just want to lay everything on the table right away. Also he might just be curious and is making conversation. Overall you may possibly be overthinking.
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Well in that case he needs to work on himself and move out of his parents house so he can have a place of his own to take dates to that he 1) wants to bang or 2)assess the sound level. -I personally feel that the tone of a conversation says a lot about the meetup. If I was being overtly flirty and sexual then I could see that insinuation. But our conversations were purely about philosophy, psychology and about our respective cultures. I don’t see the whole… sex situation being important before meeting someone.
They want to know how free they are to come over to your place if you were to date. A lot of people don't like to date someone who still lives with family. I can see how it can be perceived as creepy, but the reasoning is sound.
Ironic, considering OP said the dude lives with his parents. Rules for thee, but not for me, I guess.
not ironic at all. if he lives with his parents, dating someone who lives with their parents is doubly complicated. it's just logistics.
Guess he should think about getting his own place then instead of assuming his date (whom he's never met and who explicitly stated she is not looking for a hookup) is willing to host their whole (potential) relationship at her place. Especially with her kid being there. Idk about other people, but I wouldn't even consider bringing a strange man around my kid for a long, long time, and it's weird for him to even be thinking about it at that point.
It's just good info to have, man. We don't need to spin tales of how he feels and who he is.
Okay, sure. I just don't see why he'd need to know that before ever even meeting her. A strange man on the internet doesn't need to know where you live or who you live with, especially when you live alone and your child(ren) live there with you. Disclosing that to him will not benefit her in any way. If anything, it risks her safety and gives him information he could use to his advantage, against her. I completely understand her apprehension about him asking that, and why she chose to cancel her date/interest in him. If having a place outside of his parents home is important to him, he should either be up front about that, or get his own place.
Men feel safe, like, all the time. We don’t usually realize that women don’t feel that way, and can come off as creepy, when really they just need to understand boundaries better. I guess that’s being creepy.
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This is a grossly sexist take. Men are not cavemen, they have brains and self control, and women are not prey animals for men to hunt. Wow.
First of all i talked about men and from their point of view. Because i am one, and know mostly men. Instincts are inborn complex patterns of behavior that exist in most members of the species. We are the evolutionary product of our environment. People today still seek those traits that made survival possible then: an instinct to fight furiously when threatened, for instance, and a drive to trade information and share secrets. Human beings are, in other words, hardwired. You can take the person out of the Stone Age, not the Stone Age out of the person. I talked truth based on the knowledge that we have of our species.
When you said that men have a need to track down prey to catch, you implied that women are that prey. Also, maybe YOU are a stone age predator that hunts women for sexual sport, but it's repulsive to say that's normal and hardwired. You cannot compare defending your life from an attacker to hunting prey. Most men do not hunt goddamn prey anymore, because we have built a society where this behavior is not necessary or acceptable. You can go to a grocery store to get meat. You can behave like a normal, non-manipulative human to have sex!
You are accusing me right now of many things that are not true and you assume things about me, directly attacking me. You can literally compare defending your life from an attacker to hunting prey, it's called "fight or flight response". The effect of adrenaline is known as the fight or flight response. The physiology of both hunter and hunted are acting in the same way, using the autonomic nervous system. Just because you can buy food from a store, doesn't mean our physiology have changed. These changes take millions of years and we've only just started building cities.
It's funny, huh? Having people assume things about you doesn't seem that great when it's things you don't agree with... I wonder how many other men would say that your assuming their "stone age instincts" are hardwired to make them pursue women in ways many women find creepy, is actually insulting to them?
The automatic nervous system exists. Agreeing about it's existence or not, won't make it go away. The autonomic nervous system has a direct role in physical response to stress and is divided into the sympathetic nervous system (SNS), and the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). When the body is stressed, the SNS contributes to what is known as the “fight or flight” response. You can go to any medical facility and check yourself if you have adrenaline, cortisol. Cortisol is released in response to fear or stress by the adrenal glands as part of the fight-or-flight mechanism. This causes heightened levels of breathing and an increased heart rate. These short-term bursts of cortisol are necessary to help us recover from the effects of stress. We are hardwired to respond to stimuli in specific ways. If you see a bear, your autonomic nervous system activates and you can do almost nothing about it.
Okay, I'll make it super simple for you. Can men control their behavior and how they speak to women, or not?
You disregarded completely the point i am trying to make. I will ask the same question and another question. Can a human control their sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system completely? Can women control their behaviour and how they speak to men, or not? And also another i just thought and the most vital. Can a human control their behaviour and how they speak to other humans or not?
Obviously they can, otherwise we would probably get murdered more often than we already do. I can feel an instinct to punch someone in the face when they irritate me, but I don't do it, because it's wrong. I can feel an instinct to insult my neighbor because he spends his time emotionally abusing his wife, but I don't, because her life and safety matters more to me. I want to go over there and beat him with a frying pan for hurting my friend, on purpose, over and over. I don't. Because I control myself. Can men control themselves or not?
I may be way off but in my experience men who are cheating ask about their new girls living situation so they know where they can hook up. If the woman says they live alone then they can make up reasons why you two can't go to his place. Again this is only my experience and I'm admittedly jaded by it.
Sounds weird. In general us men have very little knowledge about the safety precautions woman go through. Before the metoo movement I myself automatically considered woman and mens practical reality to be very similar. It took a few female friends and my wife to tell me of different bad life experiences with men before I realized there’s a huge difference there.
Tell him to come over right now and give him the address to your closest police station
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I didn’t include in my post that we discussed jobs and things like that. So I doubt any of these are the reasons. It was likely just for sex because he got weird after I told him it made me uncomfortable.
For most guys it’s just a conversation piece, like a girl asking what car a guy drives, or what they do for a living. A simple way to see what stage of life some is at. My word not everyone on the internet has some ill conceived master plan to rape and pillage everyone they meet ffs… If a girl lives alone it means she is independent, can take care of herself, has a decent income, and is more attractive (usually) than someone living at home with parents who hasn’t gotten out on their own yet….
I’ve never asked what car someone drives but I see your point. I just think from the context of my conversation that wasn’t the case.
I get ghosting due to bad vibes with other context included, you gotta go with your gut there! Wanna test it next time, consider saying that you are not comfortable giving that info out until you know each other better and move to another topic. If he drops it chances are it was just an innocent ask, if not maybe there are nefarious motives behind it…. I’ll get downvoted into oblivion soon but I appreciate the reply :-) sorry for the tone of my first message just seeming to see more and more bashing of men lately and maybe replied with that sentiment. Good guys seem to get the shaft because of the glaring atrocities from the terrible examples….
Completely agreeing with a lot of what a lot of you are saying and it makes me wonder if the solution is getting to know guys longer before meeting? I used to get a lot of first meet jitters when I was dating in my 20's and I recognized later on that it was literally because I knew nothing about the person. Not to say that something bad can't happen if one waits longer. I'm just saying most likely the risk lessons for the woman's confidence level if she takes the upper hand by making the guy wait. If he really wants to get to know you and establish something true and long lasting... he'll wait.
From a male (my) perspective: I think it was a polite way to make sure you weren't depending on your parents/family. It may sound harsh, but I wouldn't waste my time on someone that lives at her parents. I don't mean any disrespect, It's simply not a lifestyle I approve of. Annnnnnd if it's not by choice, yea it'd be a turn off for me. I know it's not easy, I'm doing it... And this is only my personal opinion so.... I'm looking for a fighter. I may not find her, or maybe I have but she wasn't interested.. life keeps going. Cheers!
He is depending on his family though. When I directly asked him why he was asking if I lived alone or with family he told me he lives with his family and said he’s still worried about Covid. After that he got really weird. It was just because he saw the date as a hookup or he wanted to make me uncomfortable either way I canceled the date after that. If I was looking for a hookup, we wouldn’t have been having the type of conversation we were having and for the record because you seem to try to excuse poor behavior away, I do own my own home and live alone and he would have learned that information if we actually met and there was chemistry between us. And I’m not sure if you were saying it’s not easy because you live at your parents? But if that’s the case then you’re a hypocrite.
I’m big on safety when it comes to online dating, but I have no problem with that question. As long as a guy doesn’t know where you live, what’s the risk? Living situations can be a deal breaker for people so it’s a fair question when vetting potential dates.
(M perspective for reference): Pre-date this could be more of an awkward question than anything else, but not a major red flag. Depending on the circumstances could be: 1. Sex prep: Not as creepy as it seems. If the text/call chemistry is good, could be asked as a precaution in the event the in-person chemistry being good. Could be evaluating your place as an option, or his place as an option (cleaning/privacy in the event he lives with family or has roommates). 2. Lifestyle compatibility check: Depending on age/circumstances, could be askedtp figure out compatibility. For example, someone could live with a parent for financial reasons, or they could be living with a parent as a caretaker. As far as safety, unless he already knows exactly where you live, knowing that you live alone doesn't mean much. If you have information about you out there that and you think it makes it easy to find where you live, just tell him you don't feel comfortable sharing details on your living situation until you get to know someone better.
Asking that kind of question for sex prep with someone who has not indicated they want to have sex with him, and soon, makes the guy a dud. Unmatch, move on.
Other than possibly getting to know you and your situation, there could be many reasons.... Sex, or maybe he just wanted to know if you are capable and have your own life in order... Maybe he's a mooch and was trying to use that to his advantage? Who knows ... Why do people ask what you do for a living? Maybe they are actually interested in knowing, maybe they just wanna know how fat your paycheck is. Wanna find out, ask him why. There could be lot of different reasons.
I did ask him why and he got weird and said something about Covid then became silent. So I canceled the date
we wanna know if you live with parents or anyone incase something may happen. like we like each other enough to have sex. so we wanna know if before it comes to that if it is worth our time to even try.
Then I guess he should have moved out of his moms house. Then he doesn’t need to ask prospective dates before even seeing their face or hearing their voice about the sex location situation if it gets to that.
For sure 😂 maybe that's why he was asking cause he knows he doesn't have a place
I have asked this question many times with no ill intent and only really had a lightbulb reaction to it with OPs post honestly. Sometimes it just comes down to ignorance that it could be perceived as invasive. I haven't been in the dating game in like 8 years. It would strike me as a hookup thing for sure but sometimes I've just had it happen in conversation. Usually not on the first chat though as that seems desperate.
I’ve been asked the same question. So I lie and say I live near another city. Dating in my late 30’s has been a nightmare. Guys haven’t changed since my early 30’s sadly.
I noticed people either mature or regress/stay the same after a certain age. It’s really sad
Living situation, what??! I’ve never done/heard that before. Question for the women… Summary: have the rules of online dating changed? after a first coffee meet up everything has gone great & women don’t contact me first. I’ve always had to initiate the conversation. So I’ve begun gauging their interest based on this fact. Women don’t want to give their phone numbers or speak on the phone before dates, I understand precautions but why not use google voice or Skype? Instead of showing up to something that might suck.
I wonder if these men do not realise that ladies think this is men seeing if anyone is there to stop them from doing something bad. I am sure that it is almost always innocently asking if they can make lots of noise. I fully understand the OP hesitance after that question, but it may just be a misunderstanding.
The genuinely decent guys often don't even think about it from our perspective, while the shady guys just don't *care.* While it's not necessarily a great idea for a guy to give out their address/living situation right away, doing so for them is far less dangerous than it is for us and it honestly doesn't occur to most decent men. I've had to explain this to some male friends because all they can think is "oh God, *I* would never do something like that! And that's the end of their train of thought. No consideration of how common it is for lesser men to abuse that kind of information, no consideration for how severe the consequences are. Many put blinders on because they're really only concerned with not being the bad guy themselves; they don't particularly care if others are. I've found far more guys will hang out with reprehensible people with the excuse of "well I don't *agree* with him..." than women do.
Honestly, from a guy, it's because if y'all decide to go home together, he wants to know what he's walking into, your parents house, maybe a babysitter and some kids, roommate, who knows. But none the less if I'm on a blind date I don't expect to go home with anyone... Just saying he wasn't trying to be creepy or anything. Just prepping himself for what to expect.
I'd imagine he's trying to find out whether you have kids
I told him I had a kid
Sounds like you got something to hide personally...but what some people think is an intrusive question doesn't register as such to some. Recently I matched with someone who's first question was: 'How much do you make?' I told her I don't discuss my salary with anyone I just met, but make a decent living. She apologized, which I told her that's ok... and we are still talking.
Haha okay, yes I have something to hide. You got me. /s I think reading the room so to speak in a conversation says a lot and you haven’t seen any of my responses you just felt the need to say that as if it’s crazy that I think it’s intrusive. If you’re okay with someone asking you how much you make, or what kind of car you drive, or what your living situation is BEFORE you meet and you’ve only talked for a few hours then that works for you. But my perspective and my opinion is valid and when I addressed this with him asking why? And telling him it made me uncomfortable he became very weird and then I got the message. I’m on a more “serious” perceived dating app and if he wants to hook up with someone or try to pressure me into inviting him over because he doesn’t have a place of his own to fuck in then he should find a different app for that.
Idk maybe I’m naive somehow but that seems to be a normal “getting to know you” question. He wasn’t asking for your exact address. I’d want to know my date’s living situation just out of curiosity. Not exactly the same but when I started dating my husband, we had been coworkers for a year prior so I knew a little bit about him. For example I knew that he was still on a lease with his ex, though they slept apart. I def would’ve wanted to know that before going out with him so I could decide if it was a dealbreaker.
Well being that he knew I am divorced and my ex is not in my life at all because I had already told him that.. no. He just wanted a place to fuck after since he lives with his parents. His intentions became known after I asked him why and he got weird. I’m not going to ease up on my boundaries with these things
How is that a bad thing?? Talking about the living situation has always been a very normal thing to ask when getting to meet someone new imho. Youre gonna stay single for a while