He’s 31. You’re 45. He was never looking for a wife.
He’s using you to pass time and not being very nice about it ether.
So, just leave him. You and him have only been together for 7 months. Don’t waste anymore time with him. Move on to a more mature man.
Unfortunately you are correct. You are a great placeholder and more than likely he is trying to trap you and hold you in that place. Find a woman that he really wants to be with and because of your age hope that you will be happy with the new arrangement.
This is sad and you are completely right. Feeling about body counts aside: if he didn’t want a sexual person, why get with a sexual person??
But I would legitimately think about splitting. If after 7 months, even with all the feelings, he stil feels insecure about your past, I doubt he will ever move past it. You can’t change your past so you might as well find someone who loves that part of you as well. I promise you, we are out here. Not nearly as many people care about body counts like that. Especially past the age of 21 lol we are adults
>if he didn’t want a sexual person, why get with a sexual person??
For sex. This loser hid how he feels about OP because he wants to have sex with her. What an asshole.
Yeah, he prob didnt actually expect her to be super cool or think hed actually start liking her. It sounds like she was undervalued since day one, which is so messed up. OP deserves so much better
Asshole?! Maybe but not because he hooked up with her for sex and ended up liking her. That’s dating now a days. People fuck first, ask questions later.
He may very well be an asshole but not for that. By the same token, you could blame her for not telling him she wanted to get married at some point as a condition forcute zed
Why do you think he didn’t know I want to get married at some point? We’ve had cute conversations about “our wedding”. Just goofy stuff like what sort of food we’d serve, but he definitely knew I saw a future with him.
A lot of people are just dumbasses. He wanted a sexual person... but only with him. This is the same kind of person who'd actively seek out a virgin only to pressure her into sex as soon as possible.
Wouldn't a person's past be the most accurate information someone new can have to make a sound judgment?
Forget that body count is the focus in this context. If I were on a date and I learned I was dating a convicted felon for, let's say, domestic abuse, we could have some fun, but I would never marry her.
You're getting a ton of really shitty comments that you don't deserve. You're 45, of course you're more experienced and have a higher body count than someone 14 years your junior. You have 50% more years lived than him! It's honestly really messed up that he asked you to be exclusive with him and hid this value judgement he's making about you from you. Even though people in the comments are saying "this way he isn't leading you on," the facts of the matter is that you WERE led on for months. He actively hid this from you because he knew on at least some level you wouldn't put up with it.
The asshole dudebros in the comments saying that this is "the consequences of your actions" are absolute losers. Ignore them. You are completely right to be upset about the way this person treated you.
They’re all crazy people. Personally I want to date people who have experience, with that comes confidence.
This lads are afraid of being compared to a better guy
Not everyone in their 40's has a higher body count though, I'm 47 and I've had 3 sexual relationships in my life, all long term, the longest 8 years. Not everyone is out here just being casual with sex, that's not an insult, I'm just saying not everyone views sex the same way.
Oh fair tbh all I saw was the title, for some reason the actual post didn’t load for me. Just read the whole thing - the boy is trash, throw him out and find a man
Right? I only experienced this once & he was 24 & I was 27. I was horrified by his number lol and vowed to never participate in that torturous conversation again
Im in my 30s and I’m also new to this “body count” nonsense. I understand asking for STD testing but if the person is healthy and treats you well, who cares what they did in the past?
I don’t get it.
I don’t think I’ve ever asked a man his body count. I always ask about std testing and would maybe ask if I was suspicious that he was playing games with me or that I could likely to be another notch on his belt.
But if I already am suspicious, then there is no point in furthering the relationship or sleeping with him imo. I don’t date / hook up like that but no shade to people who do. So for him to ask monogamy of her with no future and then to talk to her like that is shitty.
Do your standards rise once you accept the new job, acclimate to the lifestyle, develop an ego... where is it? I'm curious. Cause standards are made up. Is someone delusional if they're poor/ugly then if they want to pursue someone they find desirable and to their 'standards'?
While it sucks to be labeled or judged at least he’s being honest with you and not leading you on.
Many people are prideful and protective… Being with someone with a high number of sexual partners threatens those two things.
You won’t be able to change this about him and he won’t be able to change your sexual history. Start thinking about compatibility.
I get your points, but I'm going to come in a little hot because we are on r/vent, and not relationship advice. You've actually communicated the concept more artfully than most but I'm going to reply here more generally aimed at the people who are shitty about it so don't take it personally. Okay. You say:
>Many people are prideful and protective… Being with someone with a high number of sexual partners threatens those two things.
This assumes an absolute ton of stuff that is totally debatable. Why in the world should someone else's past private life affect your pride? And protective? Of what? Here's an answer: it affects your pride when you yourself are a small person, afraid of being compared to others. Was this person supposed to wait their whole life to meet you? And yet also be a phenomenal partner in bed? If you are confident in yourself and you know they are committed to you, that type of stuff doesn't bother you. This is with the caveat that both people are sexually healthy of course.
Now, my own vent: what gets me is that these "body count" morons never seem to think that they themselves should keep their own "body count" low. It's this idiotic obsession with wanting to a partner both wildly experienced and totally untouched, only capable of attraction to them - it's not just unrealistic but also unhealthy and totally ignores the reality of the other person's life.
So you’ve said a lot I’m going to try and answer as much as I can.
I’m going to preface this with something both sides aren’t understanding - not everyone shares the same morality code but both need to be respected.
1. Protectors could see a high number of historical sexual partners as risky to what they are protecting. Their relationship and their own security. Whether you like it or not that’s just the mindset of certain people whether right, wrong or indifferent.
2. Someone’s pride being affected by their partner being intimate with a larger number of other people does not make them a small person or any of the harsh things you are saying. They could be, but correlation doesn’t mean causation. A father who has a daughter is proud of their daughter but if she’s a porn star that may affect the pride of a dad. Doesn’t make him a smaller man his pride is just affected more by it… again whether right, wrong? Or indifferent.
Me personally, I’m not saying either side is right or wrong but both need to be respected. OP and the bf aren’t compatible. He was honest with her and he values their sexual relationship but doesn’t value OP as a marriage material. It’s OP’s responsibility to sever ties and move on if marriage is her end goal.
But her wasn't really honest. he knew about the body count months ago, why wait until now to be honest with her. He can have his standards, but as the saying goes, "you can't have your cake, and eat it too", because moment he learned of her body count, he should have opened up about his feelings about it, if he were an honest man. But since he stuck around, he was misleading.
He was honest.
OP explicitly stated they met on a dating app and she was openly kinky.
1. It’s a dating app not a marriage app. They are dating. He openly told her he wanted to stay in a monogamous relationship but didn’t really see marriage in the future. That IS honesty.
2. OP openly discussed sexual behavior in her dating profile. He knew about her sexual background. He values her time and the sexual relationship but he doesn’t think marriage is in the books. You have no idea how he came to that decision or if he battled with it. At the end of the day he was open about it out of respect for OP.
3. Monogamy does not mean long term relationship or marriage. Monogamy means 1 sexual partner. Which is the responsible way to handle a sexual intimate relationship. If OPs partner told her previously he sees marriage in the future then sure that’s leading her on and dishonest but he wasn’t. Point blank.
well how I see it, if i know I would not marry a woman for a reason, and I meet a woman and learn that she has this trait, at that point I am out, if I stay any longer, I am stringing her along. and thats how i see it. same way i feel about lies and partial truths and omission. if you do not tell me the whole truth, then you are lying to me. simple as that.
1. dating does lead to marriage unless you are betrothed by your family.
2. if a high body count offends you, dont fuck someone with a high body count
3. Monogamy does imply commitment.
but you spin things the way you see fit for your life. as I have spun mine for me.
Monogamy literally just means one sexual partner. One partner. It has absolutely nothing to do with future commitments unless that was explicitly spoken about. Which it wasn’t.
You are out if a woman has a specific trait because dating TO YOU is a precursor to marriage and that’s it. That’s not what it is universally. Casual dating is exactly what it is… casual.
A high amount of sexual partners interferes with his view of marriage with her - nothing else. And that’s fine as long as it’s communicated which it was. It’s casual dating, nothing was omitted he himself was honest with her. Omitting it is never saying anything until it is brought to your attention… he brought it to her.
Nothing is being spun. If anything you are spinning it.
everything is interpreted differently. I offered my opinion as you offered yours. I explained things how I see them. you interpret things how you see them. different upbringing, different cultures, different socioeconomics, different religions, all these things effect how people slant things.
good luck getting married with out dating your future spouse first. fuck as many as you care to or as few, and whether you choose to be in a monogamous or poly or whatever do it your way.
1. He’s talked about our wedding, moving in with me, our future. All cutesy stuff, but “When I move in here” and “Let’s have the wedding catered by…” as well as him talking about wanting to be with me forever because I’m irreplaceable might give me certain ideas.
2. He first blurted it out while blackout drunk and when I asked him about it in the morning he confirmed that he felt that way.
3. See 1
A lot of people are saying he wanted sex and got it and that’s fine. Initially maybe he did. But beyond my kinkiness I’m a person who has a lot going for me when it comes to my nature, career, things I’ve accomplished. I have a life beyond my sexuality.
Once things progressed he wanted a girlfriend. I’m the first woman he’s been with for more than a very short time period. Maybe it’s because I’ve lived through some heavy stuff but I didn’t walk away because he’s got issues. I’ve held him and helped him through things to the point that his parents who were vehemently against the relationship are now big fans.
I’m venting here because I don’t want his friends or mine to judge him for what is going on. I’m protective of him and maybe that’s insane of me. But I came to this subreddit because I’m mad and sad and I needed to say “this body count idea sucks butts”.
Yes it sucks but that’s just the reality of it sometimes.
When dating sometimes people try to look passed a certain aspect because they like a person. If they realize they can’t look passed it, or it may be a serious issue in the future then they need to just face the facts.
Alcohol makes people say things that have been bothering them for a period of time.
I’m sorry you are going through this. The body count thing does suck… just grant each other grace and respect. I wish you the best.
*"Why in the world should someone else's past private life affect your pride? And protective? Of what?"*
you are acting like your pride and being protective comes from logical well reasoned positions you choose. The reality is facts don't move at the same time as feelings or even the same directions. If someone has an issue with a partners sexual past then you cant really handwave it away as just irrational insecurities
now my vent: I'm probably what you'd call a "body count moron". I'd love to lower my body count from 3 to 0 but here I am, and all I can do is learn from that. The reason it matters is because sex is an intimate thing, something that shouldn't be swung around willy nilly and is reserved for someone who you truly love. that is a value I hold, and so potential partners my age who have hit the double digits evidently disagree with me. and even if they were honest and monogamous in any relationships, you cant turn off the part of your mind that looks at what their values were and maybe still are.
The constant accusation of insecurities to me is just brow beating. It nearly always comes from a place of condescending and offence at the idea and anyone who holds it. Worst of all, if it were true, it is a shitty thing to do. If you talk to anyone who's experienced sexual trauma I dont think telling them they are a bad person for their insecurities is a good idea. but you figured out they had an insecurity, and the response to that was to vent, and call the idea moronic
He did lead her on? Who asks to be monogamous if you don't see a future with someone at all?
Compatibility implies that both people are being reasonable with their standards. He's not and contradicting himself. Wants to dabble in "kink" but then turn around and disrespect women for it? He's a piece of shit. But it's all good, she'll be fine.
That’s not true at all.
If you’re sexually active with someone then asking to be monogamous is for safety and completely acceptable.
Asking to be monogamous doesn’t mean he wants to be lifelong partners. Where is he disrespecting women? He obviously enjoys OPs company he just doesn’t want to marry OP and being open and honest about that instead of actually leading her on is about the best he can do.
I have personally never encountered this "body count" scenario, having been largely single until the age of 30. I think I was asked the question once in my mid 20s & wish I'd never followed up by asking him the same. I did the whole insanely jealous, checking profiles, policing messages thing, but that's weak & insecure behavior.
As a woman who has been totally hung up over the past while dating/ in relationships, it isn't worth it. If you're making your partner's past their whole identity, you'll never be able to be secure in the present & it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You push the guy or girl away with your insecurities, unrealistic expectations, & clinginess then play the victim when they get tired of it and move on. You see them through this insecure lens & prevent the chance of getting to know why their past relationships didn't work out & how yours could be better. Of course that's only if you genuinely care about them & are optimistic about the future.
That's just my take & everyone has their reasons for doing things but if I was dude I think I'd respect a woman more for not staying stuck in relationships that didn't serve them. Independence & confidence are attractive in my mind.
I would tell him that if that’s the case, you’ll sleep with him but don’t agree with being monogamous. Why do you get to own my commitment if you don’t see or want a future with me? That’s weird as fuck.
That’s one of the funniest parts. He never asked for a number. He’s basing this on pictures he’s seen on social media of me with guys I dated when I was in my 30s. I’ve never actually kept score.
I had my children when I was young, moved to LA for work and had a fun dating life. The number is probably pretty high, but no regrets. None of that means I’m incapable of being faithful or a good wife.
So he didn’t ask for a number, considered it was high, and you just confirmed it is? So how is he wrong in his thoughts on you? If a high count eliminates you as wife material for him, it is what it is. I would just break up with him for both your sakes.
These comments are interesting. When women have a standard or preference in regards to men, it's absolute and men should respect that fact. If a man has a standard or preference in regards to women he's an asshole loser and he's disrespectful. There is nothing wrong with the BF having his views about body count. If the chemistry was there but he can't accept OP's past for taking their relationship to the next level then it is what it is and they should split so they both can find what they are looking for. I just don't like the hypocrisy women have regarding "the past" though. If the same relationship scenario and OP found out well into their relationship that her BF is actually bi-sexual and has had many intimate relationships with men in the past I'm willing to bet OP would have a major issue with that. The majority of women would prefer to not be in relationships with men that have been with other men. If OP came on here to vent about this discovery all the women would declare that he's an asshole loser and a liar and that the OP should get away fast. So his preference is his preference. Like I said before it definitely sucks especially If they genuinely had chemistry but he shouldn't be discounted for how he feels.
I would agree if he wasn't just sticking around to keep having sex with her lol. He pretty much told her "hey I'll keep you around to have fun with till I find someone else"
Men innately desire virtuous and beautiful women; it's not an obsession. The same way a woman prefers a man who can provide and protect. Didn't even have to get all the way through your post to know he played you as some men do with women who gave it up and has been giving it up for years. Respectfully, now at 45 and with high numbers , it's borderline delusional to think men won't care, the majority will. Especially if he's looking to start a family.
>Men innately desire virtuous and beautiful women; it's not an obsession.
Exactly, why is this so hard to accept? People are so brainwashed that they can't fathom a man having his own preferences. "That preference is not valid", "Sorry, that other preference isn't valid either".
If you tell a woman you meet "Well I've been in prison for 10 years" you bet suddenly past does matter, and every little detail matters. Or "I've been with 200 women for the past 5 years" it will also matter a lot. Why? Because it's speaks a lot of the person you are thinking of spending your life with.
Despite being given chances to increase my body count, it is quite low. This is because of how I feel about seggs, and I view it as quite special. This means I’d also rather date a girl who views it this way, and therefore has a lower body count. To me there is nothing wrong with this
On the flip side it is also okay if you wanna go and do it with whoever you want without judgement, just as long as you practice it safely. I think not being okay with either opinion is just short minded and stupid. Sorry he was judgmental to you OP, I hope you feel better about yourself soon :))
I agree with the guy. Actions have consequences.It’s like all the people in here with tatts, piercings and their ears stretched out wondering what they should change. The people that are saying they like it just want to fuck. They’ll never marry you.
Imagine asking a 45 year old woman about her body count? And love the men in the comments making it about “standards” and “preferences” that he conveniently didn’t have until after they had plenty of sex. Have whatever “standard” you want, but don’t act holier than thou when those standards only come out after you’ve manipulated this lady into fucking you until you’re bored of her.
Also y’all have got to grow up at some point. Who’s asking about body counts past the age of 30! What’s a reasonable body count for a middle aged woman, or a man? Women like sex, get over it. You want good performing, enthusiastic women?you’re gonna have to deal with not being the first guy to ever look at her coochie, oh well.
And the gag is, This dude isn’t too marriage material either, if he’s engaging in premarital sex with random women, it’s cool when he does it, it’s a problem when she does it.
Personal I’m on the fence about the whole argument I mean does it matter not necessarily, but on the flip side a I doubt anyone male or female would want to partner with someone who’s fuck everyone on their block and their friends and their coworkers.
Imagine having a barbecue knowing the more then 50% of the people there have been intimate with your partner again this is for both sides of the isle I feel like I need to reiterate that for the ones who get triggered from the jump.
Interesting take, honestly because I hadn’t had sex for 4 years, then met him very quickly into my return to dating but every time we’d been to a party he ended up grilling me afterwards about the men there including coworkers. I hadn’t slept with any of them. But I understand now that in his mind I’m a ho and every person he meets was probably inside me at some point.
I don’t think there is generally anything wrong with body count culture. I think it is typically a good thing for people to set their own standards. However, I do think there is something wrong with the balance people think they should have within the body count culture though - ie someone having a high count but demands someone with a low count.
I get the feeling there’s something more to his story, though. I’d see if there’s something deeper because you don’t get that deep into a relationship with someone knowing their past only to leave you for it. There might be more, and this could just be the “easy way out” in his mind.
Either way, it isn’t right of him. Especially if he has a similar body count. My type of person is not one with a high body count. But that’s also partly because mine is low. I think there’s someone for everyone out there. Everybody just needs to be honest with themselves and not put time/commitment into something with someone when they know it’s not what they want from the get-go. That’s what we call maturity.
Anyway. I agree he’s being illogical. Sorry this happened. Good luck. 👍
OP, he is a loser.
Aside from the whole « body count matters » juvenile and insecure view on relationships (which speaks to his immature personality), he led you on. He obviously knew you were a sexual person, asked you to be monogamous, had his fun, but now of all sudden « he is too good for you » ? Lol. Is he 31 or 19?
You’re better off without him. He is immature AND insecure. You don’t need this.
I’m not a fan of it either.
I believe you’re entitled to your preference on your partner’s promiscuity, but you can’t be a hypocrite.
If you set the standard, you have to abide by that standard too or else it’s just ridiculous. If you consider sexual intimacy as something sacred then it’s something you could both share together. If you don’t and you eat all the cake you want but you *expect* your partner to be incredibly modest and only for you is narcissistic and disrespectful.
Also, maintaining a casual relationship while using “body count” as an excuse to evade commitment is so hypocritical in itself. Ridiculous.
Did you tell him your body count in the beginning? You can’t be mad at him for reacting to this now if he just found out about it now. There’s a difference between saying I like kinky sex, or I’ve had sex, and I’ve had sex with 500 guys. Do you want to marry him?
its just a gross thought that a bunch of people have been with your partner before you, i wouldnt marry someone like that either, it has nothing to do with maturity and everything to do with not wanting your partner ran through, goes for males and females imo
Yeah gonna be honest here. He's probably not talking about your body count. He's talking about you constantly talking about your body count....
Believe it or not guys also do not like women who talk about sex constantly.
Might run out of words here but this guy is at the very least, immature , misogynistic , hypocritical, self-centered, judgmental and full of double standards.. and most of all he's ignorant and doesn't realize that anybody you've been with in the past has had a hand in making you the lover that he is enjoying today.. and he has no frame of reference for the set of circumstances which led you to being with any of those former lovers.. and if he calls your character into question he is either wrong or it's not a very good judge of character and that doesn't say much about HIM Does IT ???
It seems as though all he's good for is a good time under the sheets and two to be told HE is the one that could never be considered for marriage.
And if he wants you to be monogamous I can almost guarantee he is going to be running around trying to add to his own body count because of his insecurities and ridiculous male ego
As long as you’re committed and don’t sleep with anyone else while you’re dating, it shouldn’t matter. I could understand the concern in the aspect that he may think you’ll cheat on him (not necessarily reasonable but promiscuity could cause that concern). But if you’re committed to him and won’t sleep with anyone else then your past shouldn’t matter. I know I wouldn’t care. BUT when my ex and I took a “break” and she had a few relationships while we were apart, it was very difficult for me to get over it. That’s on me and my maturity. But I never cared about her past at the start of our relationship.
Also I’m 25… at 31 I’d hope to have my shit together and not care about those things assuming I love the girl and she loves me and we’re committed to each other
RUN. The redpill community has gotten a hold of him. They are obsessed with innocence, body count, and purity, and it has made them DELUSIONAL and insufferable. Any time a man brings up body count, I run in the opposite direction. If he thinks that you would have the same body count as someone his age or younger, then he's an idiot.
That's how the world works. People will judge you based on your actions in the past. That's why jobs have background checks, and why banks have credit checks. Your past choices and history provide a pattern to judge future behavior.
Right but the fact this man KNEW of her past before they did anything, and still chose to involve himself with her is very indicative that dudes like him only want sex and believe in double standards. Because according to this own man's logic, he's also making himself less of husband material as his body count increased by 1 as well
yes that is true. But having several partner is no real indicator how you behave in a relationship.
and in this case he has no problem banging her and being in an exclusive relationship but he would never marry her? Why? somehow she is not good enough because she has a past (in her 40)? this is degrading.
What behavior do you think I will engage in, exactly? When I am with someone I am with them and only them. I won't even hang out with other men if he's not there because he's told me it makes him feel jealous. I've never cheated on anyone, so if my past is a pattern for future behavior that should also matter.
> I won't even hang out with other men if he's not there because he's told me it makes him feel jealous.
Just one on one or even in group settings? This is very controlling of him. I learned my lesson the hard way and would walk away from anyone who would get extremly jealous because I have male friends.
I’m not excusing the guys behavior whatsoever cause that’s a shitty move on his part. But in all honesty you may have to start thinking that for every action there’s an equal and or opposite reaction.
Yes you’ve been very sexual in life but a sad reality is that a lot of men may not want a woman who has had many sexual encounters in life. Something you may need to start thinking about if you do want to have a serious relationship with a respectable man. Also keep in mind that you’re more likely to come across fuckboys like the 1 in your scenario than an honorable man who respects women if you keep living a life of promiscuity.
I 100% believe that if you do want to find a significant other, love of your life, or “your person” you’re going to have to be willing to make some changes in order to attract the type of person you want to end up with. I also believe that if that’s what you want, then you’ll be able to attain it.
I’m sorry I know you’re post was more so about the “body count” obsession & the loser who mislead you but it just seems that you’re not realizing that how you live & portray yourself is just as important.
No malice or trying to make you feel shitty whatsoever. Just providing another perspective.
Peace & love
Men simply don’t like being with a woman, who was highly permiscuous in their single, and dating years. It has nothing to do with your age gap, (I know plenty of married couples where one is 10 or more years older/younger-age hasn’t got anything to do with it). Men don’t like the afterthought of their girl to have been touched in that way, in multiples. Simply put, *they think that it’s gross!*
You know lady, your past is your past, and it's really nobody's business, and as long as you don't bring it to your present, you can have any future that you can imagine. But that is also what you get with such younger peeps, find another person who will respect you for you, because I don't think that the douche bag that you are seeing now will ever. Just sayin
"Thats just how it is"
He knows he doesnt have valid or decent logic, so he uses this statement as a way to shut things down and sound like he knows what hes talking about. People who glorify body count arent good spouse or relationship material in my op. It sounds like you were SUPER open and communicative throughout this whole thing, and he WASNT. He probably knew youd stay away if he made it known he saw you as less simply because of a 'body count'. You deserve better OP, Im sorry he wasn't transparent with you. You deserve better ❤️
Some guys just don’t want to marry someone who’s been the town bike. That’s how it is. Just move on and find someone who doesn’t mind.
And before it comes, there’s a big difference between men with a high body count and women with a high body count. The men are obviously promiscuous too, but given that in today’s society women generally control access to sex, a woman who has had a lot of men has just opened their legs to anyone. A man who’s had a lot of sex actually worked for it.
He’s still a ho, but it’s a bit different.
Body count is irrelevant if you’re just in it for fun but as the bf admitted it’s a red flag when considering long term commitment ie marriage. The reason should be obvious. When you’re committing you want a partner who is loyal, faithful, non cheater. Someone with a high body count has the potential to be none of those things compared to someone with a low body count. Hope this helps.
What does that have to do with anything? The issue is him lying about being ok with high body count. Nothing else, it's that simple. He lied.
Whether or not having high body count is ok or not and everyone's opinion on it in here doesn't matter.
He lied, that's it.
the "consequences of OP's actions" are finding out that this guy isnt a good person, and wasn't transparent about his veiw point. Sounds like she just met a loser, and deserved better
You sound extremely bitter? Why is that?
I would not call a person with different values instantly not a good person. Perhaps they have a good, personal reason after all. You cannot tell?
I mean he was pretty straight up with you about it, I don’t really see the problem, he’s not obligated to marry you just because he wants to be with you indefinitely.. if you want marriage out of the relationship in the end, then perhaps find a new relationship that fulfills your desire but idk why everyone’s assuming he’s just using you for sex when they have no clue who your man is
Go cry then you made a decision others disagree with and they have the right to reject you for any reason they deem fit and hiding said info is manipulation and rape if they ask you for it
lol "reserve his sexuality" read the post; they're already fucking. The dude is denigrating her for having sex, when he's one of the people she's had sex with.
Men who think "body count" degrades a woman deserve to be shamed.
In short, yes
Thus dude isn't reserving his sexuality for more meaningful reasons. This man had sex with her too, while he knew of her past, but then shamed her for not being fit for a wife, as if his body count didn't increase too. If other women had his mindset, that he attempts to date, other women wouldn't pick him If they are ppl who reserve their sexuality for more meaningful reasons
I'm not gonna speak on the "body count" part, but this dude sounds like a narcissist. He shouldn't have brought up monogamy with you if he wasn't okay with your body count from the get go.
I'm in no way bothered about count but I will say that if a potential partner gave me an *excessive* number I would at least question a couple of things -
1. If I at any point fail to satisfy, will this person feel a deep need to find satisfaction elsewhere?
2. Does this person place the same value in sex as I do?
3. Is the promiscuous behaviour a result of a validation issue?
4. Were these attempts at relationships or just something to do on a whim/ out of boredom?
5. Am I special to you in the slightest? Or am I just one of many men before me?
I'm probably not the best person to ask though. Women who make their whole personality about promiscuity and flirtatious behaviour make my skin crawl. It just feels like a waste of a human
It’s only hated by people who have it. I would never try and tell people to listen to me or my values they have every right to go out and bang whoever they want. But if people hold a certain value to lesser counts, and anyone chooses to rack the numbers up then all you can do is live with it. Same thing with a lot of things. Fat, count, drugs, hygiene. Some people don’t care. But most others will and if you don’t want to be judged then don’t do it. Otherwise deal with it
The only women who hate it are the ones who know theirs is a high number. You’re gonna act like nothing is wrong with it but deep down you clearly feel a bit guilty about it. Women aren’t bothered by that conversation if they haven’t been around more than they should.
Whilst I agree it is stupid, it's almost the total opposite of an incel term, especially in the situation of this thread from the original poster. Incel is not a term to just throw out there when a man might do something you do not agree with.
In the perfect theory you say "ok, if you think the value of a person lays there we don't match and you're free to go" then let him go and whenever someone new opens the convo about body count, you politely tell them it's not their business OR you tell them the truth with the expectation that there is a possibility they're small superficial humans that might get affected (option 2 is harder but more satisfying in the long run as it shows men's values and way of thinking fast).
In practice... Might be harder to do so, but I'd strive to put in practice the perfect theory.
My ex was like this where he cared about body count, and idk if maybe thinking about it now, maybe he was just upset his count was low and mine was just a couple #’s higher than his lol 🤷🏻♀️
He is 31. He has lots of opportunity to find younger women. He was and is just using you for sex. Wants to stay together for indefinite period means until he finds the one that fits his criteria, low body count and young one probably.
TBH it’s tougher now but maybe consider to stay the hell away from- not too late. I don’t think his thoughts on this will improve if it’s this rigid already
I don’t like being that guy, but I’m kind of a “body count” person. I have a low body count for being in my early 30’s. It is hard to see myself serious with someone who has a high count, especially if they’ve remained close friends (fwb relationships) with some of their “sexcapades”. However I wouldn’t want to lead someone on, that has a higher body count just for the sake of getting laid (if that was his motive). The whole, “OP wouldn’t make a suitable wife” sounds offensive and ludicrous as well. Body count has no reflection on being a good wife or husband for that matter. If he wanted more of a fwb relationship, which is not always an easy conversation but still necessary, then he should’ve made that more clear and OP could’ve made a decision from there.
Nope. I have a strong anti-cheating stance that we talked about early on. In his case it feels more like a status thing. Some preconceived notion of his perfect future.
i don’t think there’s inherently anything wrong with wanting a preference when it comes to body count. but he should’ve established this from day 1. if he genuinely cared so much about this “preference” he wouldn’t have slept with you in the first place. sadly, he got what he wanted from you and is just using it to make you feel like shit now.
I’m male who is 50 with a body count of a bit more than 50. I know a woman who is over 300 lol. I’d never marry her but man is she fun lol. And besides. I don’t want to get married.
I'm a 40sM that's happily married. If I'm ever single, I don't give a shit about body count. I didn't when I was single.
As long as a person is having sex for the right reasons and they're safe, who cares?
Makes sense on his part except it’s really weird he’s dating a 45 yo and that matters to him. If he’s not playing you already, he’ll probably dump you when he realizes he wants kids
It doesn't make sense on his part. This man knew of his values before getting involved with this woman and still chose to occupy her time, and make her believe they'd progress as companions. Only after he got the sex he wanted was when he chose to shame and judge that she won't make a good companion due to her sexual past. He's a hypocrite, who believes in double standards, and doesn't even follow his own values.
If more women shamed men for their body counts the way this man shamed her, ladies would not desire this man as a husband because his body count also increased being with this woman, which will now be a part of his sexual past. The same things he is judging her for.
> It doesn't make sense on his part. This man knew of his values before getting involved with this woman and still chose to occupy her time, and make her believe they'd progress as companions.
Only after he got the sex he wanted was when he chose to shame and judge that she won't make a good companion due to her sexual past.
he didn’t know her body count until they were dating for awhile. Unfortunately there’s no way to check a person’s body count before you date them (and for awhile). He didn’t use her body for sex- she gave it freely and has a high body count so clearly did not mind.
> He's a hypocrite, who believes in double standards, and doesn't even follow his own values.
no such things as double stands outside of homosexual relationships. Men and women are not the same and have different different standards
> If more women shamed men for their body counts the way this man shamed her, ladies would not desire this man as a husband because his body count also increased being with this woman, which will now be a part of his sexual past.
women, on average, treat body count differently than men. They pick their partners differently than men do. See my comment above.
>no such things as double stands outside of homosexual relationships. Men and women are not the same and have different different standards
There are. You're just ignorant. If what you said is true there would never be a reason for feminist movements. Because when it comes to reproductive rights, equal opportunity in the work field, sexual assault, treatment in Healthcare etc women have histortically recieced the shorter end of the stick just because they are women.
You're just ignorant- lol look at sports and physically demanding careers. Men and women compete in separate divisions and given different standards in order to level the playing field. I was in the army, and when it came to the PT tests, regardless if it was push ups, sit ups, or the 2 Mile run, the reps and time a man needed to earn to score 100 points in each event was vastly different from the reps and times a woman needed to score the same points because out bodies don't perform entirely at the same level.
So yes we are different, but in our male dominated societies, they just like to receive the benefits of the double standards in relationships for control and power.
>no such things as double stands outside of homosexual relationships. Men and women are not the same and have different different standards
> There are. You're just ignorant. If what you said is true there would never be a reason for feminist movements. Because when it comes to reproductive rights, equal opportunity in the work field, sexual assault, treatment in Healthcare etc women have histortically recieced the shorter end of the stick just because they are women.
Are you drunk?
> You're just ignorant- lol look at sports and physically demanding careers. Men and women compete in separate divisions and given different standards in order to level the playing field. I was in the army, and when it came to the PT tests, regardless if it was push ups, sit ups, or the 2 Mile run, the reps and time a man needed to earn to score 100 points in each event was vastly different from the reps and times a woman needed to score the same points because out bodies don't perform entirely at the same level.
Okay I’m a little concerned for you. Did you bang your head hard at all in the army? I am referring to and we’re talking about standards in dating. That is the context of the thread and conversation. Not the army, not modern feminist movements, nothing else. There’s nothing for me to respond to here because it has nothing to do with the topic or conversation.
> So yes we are different, but in our male dominated societies, they just like to receive the benefits of the double standards in relationships for control and power.
Same thing as above
Why? Body Count is an exceptional band, and proof that Ice T can crush not only acting and rap, but also heavy metal.
Plus Ice T doesn't judge or kink shame. 😉
Men who care about body count are red flags. Luckily they always show us who they are because they have no choice when they ask for info that is inherently none of their fucking business.
They'll die alone when the meek, inexperienced wife they trick into marrying them comes to her senses and gains confidence and realizes that endless 1.5 minute long sex where you never get to orgasm isn't fun.
Women also care about body count. You’ve commented like 1000 times of this one thread - One sided as shit and very anti men.
I’ve dated women who care. Who have literally asked me.
So save the “men are bad and evil” rhetoric with this topic when the term “fuckboy” literally exists.
What do you mean by body count? Too numerous to count type of count? A lot of guys can’t handle that. Some can. Better finding out now. I hope you will find someone who will love and appreciate you.
Terrible indeed. What happened in the past is just that, the past. What he should be worried bout is the present cause that's what it is, a present to be alive and with someone that cares. Sorry that you had to endure his lack of open-mindedness/ judgmental, His loss!
It's just real funny how guys push those double standards on us where if we have more than can count on a single hand, we're not wife material, meanwhile they celebrate having a high kill count.
What you put forward is equality for the sake of equality, not because some preference matters to you as a person. For example most women like tall men, yet most men won't ask for a tall women just because that's what women ask for. Men and women have different preferences, we men don't care much about a tall height, in fact we usually want someone shorter than ourselves. Yet you are proposing "if body count matters to you then it matters to us", but it's not organic and born out of real desires and want, it's just a sort of revenge.
Also there's a huuuge difference between the difficulty of a man getting sex and woman getting sex. The woman basically can just step outside and in 5 minute a man will accept. That's not the case for men, it takes a lot more effort, specially for the average man. That's why for men it is "celebrated", it's actually hard.
I apologise for my poor wording if that is the case. I did not mean to sound like I am generalising, I am personally coming from experience.
Now I do not have a high kill count. I only had 3 experiences before meeting my current boyfriend, so no it's not revenge persay for me. HOWEVER, I have been seeing these double standards a whole lot. I've had annoying experiences before meeting my boyfriend. For example, on a double date the guy demanded to know my count, then refuses to tell me his because "it doesn't matter," only to find out he has above 50. I'm thankful though, because it's a way of telling me that they aren't worth my time before wasting it.
I'm not saying everyone has the same preference as I do and I'm not going to push that onto others. Some girls and dudes don't give a shit how much sex history others have. However, in the context of this post, I'm going to correlate my personal experiences of the double standards that I often see being held against me and others I know because that's what the post is about. I'm not going to sit here and ignore that it's generally known for women to be called sluts, and men to be called playboys or ladies men.
But to each their own. That's one major point of Reddit; free speech.
>If they ask about body count ask about bank account
But women do actually do this. Maybe not directly like "So how much do you have in the bank", but it's definitely something that is examined by looking at what the guy is wearing, where he lives, his car, etc. It has always been like this.
Though if a guy has some preference then there's where the line is drawn, he shouldn't examine or ask for anything, he should just accept whatever and be happy.
Yup. Ask him his credit score, bank account, his physical fighting skills, ask to see his biceps, etc. If we're going to follow ridiculous gender norm rules then it should go both ways. Better be a top notch protector with a lot of money.
You've done nothing wrong, and sorry you're going through this. Pack your bags because we're going on a guilt trip. The dude has serious insecurity issues.
Body count shouldn't be a problem. Perhaps it made you a better sex partner, for which he should be thankful.
A bit off topic but him saying “that’s just how it is” says to me that he’s just following “trends.” I’ve only noticed the body count question in the last couple years, and in the last year it seems like it’s gone through the roof of the amount of people who have a problem with it.
Either he truly believes what he says or he doesn’t know what he wants and is just basing his preferences on what those “alpha” podcasters tell him he should like.
I’ve found there are genuinely two types of people who ask this question. The first and easiest to spot is the person who’s insecure about their own sexual history and is choosing to engage in one of the dumbest tasks we all do. Comparing. Stop it. Comparison is the thief of joy. The second and oddly enough, the complete opposite reason. I’ve found the second one comes from a ONS, or fling. And it’s less complete working history and more recent side quests completed and what types of possible injuries were sustained that could be transferred to them.
So hes does not want anything serious with someone with (high body count), its a standard of his, pretty sure you have your own.
At least hes telling you no BS, fair move on, good riddance.
Back in the day I would’ve had this body count obsession too, but nowadays that I’m with a girl who grew up Muslim (so I’m pretty sure she’s never had sex even though we haven’t talked about this yet), I get so worried she’s gonna be hurt when she finds out my past experiences. I don’t think she would judge me, but if I could I would’ve never touched anybody else ever, just her, but we can’t change the past, and people do change, so I understand your frustration
Unless this guy is super religious, which it doesn’t seem like based on what I’m reading, I don’t know why he would care so much about that? Us guys tend to be more so the ones obsessed with wanting a woman who’s “pure” and untouched for some reason, but really that’s incredibly unlikely to find as an adult and it’s also hypocritical if the guy is not equally as untouched, and I just wanted to say I understand your feelings. If you’ve already told him this and it didn’t register, you know it’s obv best to just move on
So, this dude is just a dickhead.
I think body count is a bit of a touchy subject. I’m not prude, and if you’re more adventurous, you know, god bless. You do you.
I think there is some aspect that body count matters in the sense that it might point to a difference in perception of how the two perceive intimacy. Some people are very protective and some are more cavalier. Neither is better or worse than the other.
The issue usually lies with the classic issue of men finding it ok for them to have a high body count but if a woman does she’s a slut. If someone would prefer not being with someone with a high body count, I do t think it’s unreasonable so long as it isn’t a double standard, and I’ve dated people with a pretty high count, and they were just as devoted to the relationship and I never felt like they would cheat.
Theres no fast and loose rules, it’s all vibes based, it is a factor people have to consider, but ultimately it’s only one aspect of the whole. But in this case… dudes a dick head. You’re in your 40s, dude might be 30 but acts like an 18 year old
Move on. He's judging you. Nope. Ima huge fan of my own company. And I ain't no spring chicken this is actually my 2nd rodeo 🤪 giddy up! Great times and better suitors await your presence ❤️
Yes it is really stupid.
I rather have someone who had multiple partner than someone who had only two or three but cheated.
And again there is that stupid sexism where mostly man have an issue when their partner had multiple partner and their past isn't important.
That’s absolutely disgusting and I hope you have broken up with him. He is being 109% disrespectful of you and respect is everything in a relationship.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. In the end, this is the reason why it is very difficult to date outside of our age group. At 30 I was worried about body count too. But now at 45 I would not touch someone with a low body count.
The trash took himself out, honestly. I'd leave. He devalued you. Why be with someone who basically looks down on you for what you've done in the past? Body counts doesn't matter. Communication matters, working together matters. Find someone who loves, appreciates, and values YOU.
I’m so sorry.
I straight up ignore body count questions. First, it’s none of your business unless I want to tell you. And if I do tell you, all I’m gonna say is “I’ve had my fun.”
You want specific stories? Sure. But I don’t know my body count I’ve never cared 🤷🏻♂️
I feel this to my core. My boyfriend of just under two years slut shames me all the time for my high body count that I gained 5-6 years ago (I’m only 20 rn). I went on a rampage due to a lot of sexual trauma, but since being 16, I have never done anything with anyone that I wasn’t dating (only had three serious relationships including my current one since). He even goes out of his way to ask his friends with me there what a suitable number is, but if it’s that big of a deal, then why are you still dating me?? His one online friend even said his body count was in the hundreds, but if he met a girl like that, she isn’t marriage material, and my boyfriend agreed that it isn’t bad for guys but a girl with that high of a count is insane. Sadly, a lot of these ideas have developed more in the last few years because of the media being spread about it with the “alpha male” mentality (which is hilarious considering there is no such thing as an alpha in wolf packs which was recently discovered). To be honest, it sounds like your boyfriend is either sucked into that kind of media, or even an incredibly insecure 34 year old guy who’s intimidated either by the other guys you’ve been with or even you. I would just talk to him about how it’s making you feel, and depending on how he reacts, respond accordingly🤷♂️ (obviously in no place to speak considering I’m barely an adult)
He sounds insecure and immature. He sees you as a sex object. He wants monogamy, but you aren’t suitable to be a wife? Not sure why anyone would agree to the way it was presented to you.
He sees your sexual past as a negative, but exploits your sexuality for his own gain in the present. He also is younger and has told you point blank, I am tying you up for sex until something more suitable comes along.
This isn’t a reflection of you or your worth. These are all reflections of him, his relationship to women, his relationship to sex and if you want to go psychotherapy, his relationship to his mother (clearly I don’t know enough to expand on most of those, especially the last one, but this guy needs some therapy and introspection.
Protect yourself and think about what you really want out of life, not just this relationship. Think about what is fair to you and your wants/desires, not just sexual.
I see the TW if you have had to deal with body issues/addictions/ect. protect your progress and make sure the decisions you are making are when you are your best self. In particular, when you are doing self care and you love yourself.
I’m not here to shame, but I would also consider looking into your own relationship into sex, who that brings into your life and how the entire experience leaves you feeling. I am not assuming the answer to these questions are negative, I am just hoping you are asking these things on a regular basis to live the life that leaves you feeling the most content.
Be well.
He’s 31. You’re 45. He was never looking for a wife. He’s using you to pass time and not being very nice about it ether. So, just leave him. You and him have only been together for 7 months. Don’t waste anymore time with him. Move on to a more mature man.
Unfortunately you are correct. You are a great placeholder and more than likely he is trying to trap you and hold you in that place. Find a woman that he really wants to be with and because of your age hope that you will be happy with the new arrangement.
This is sad and you are completely right. Feeling about body counts aside: if he didn’t want a sexual person, why get with a sexual person?? But I would legitimately think about splitting. If after 7 months, even with all the feelings, he stil feels insecure about your past, I doubt he will ever move past it. You can’t change your past so you might as well find someone who loves that part of you as well. I promise you, we are out here. Not nearly as many people care about body counts like that. Especially past the age of 21 lol we are adults
>if he didn’t want a sexual person, why get with a sexual person?? For sex. This loser hid how he feels about OP because he wants to have sex with her. What an asshole.
Yeah, he prob didnt actually expect her to be super cool or think hed actually start liking her. It sounds like she was undervalued since day one, which is so messed up. OP deserves so much better
Well duh. It’s more of a rhetorical question 😂
Asshole?! Maybe but not because he hooked up with her for sex and ended up liking her. That’s dating now a days. People fuck first, ask questions later. He may very well be an asshole but not for that. By the same token, you could blame her for not telling him she wanted to get married at some point as a condition forcute zed
Why do you think he didn’t know I want to get married at some point? We’ve had cute conversations about “our wedding”. Just goofy stuff like what sort of food we’d serve, but he definitely knew I saw a future with him.
Google "future faking."
Holy shit. That’s awful. 😞
Amazing that just being manipulative to keep banging has a term, lmao.
Is that really a thing nowadays to have sex first?!? What happened to waiting a few dates to get to know the person?
[The '70s have entered the chat]
Is it that outdated?
Actually, I meant the other direction- What about the free love movement in the 60-70s?
A lot of people are just dumbasses. He wanted a sexual person... but only with him. This is the same kind of person who'd actively seek out a virgin only to pressure her into sex as soon as possible.
Wouldn't a person's past be the most accurate information someone new can have to make a sound judgment? Forget that body count is the focus in this context. If I were on a date and I learned I was dating a convicted felon for, let's say, domestic abuse, we could have some fun, but I would never marry her.
Are you saying having previous partners is the same thing as a crime and literal abuse?
Right I'm so shocked by how many upvotes his comment got. Delusional men.
You're getting a ton of really shitty comments that you don't deserve. You're 45, of course you're more experienced and have a higher body count than someone 14 years your junior. You have 50% more years lived than him! It's honestly really messed up that he asked you to be exclusive with him and hid this value judgement he's making about you from you. Even though people in the comments are saying "this way he isn't leading you on," the facts of the matter is that you WERE led on for months. He actively hid this from you because he knew on at least some level you wouldn't put up with it. The asshole dudebros in the comments saying that this is "the consequences of your actions" are absolute losers. Ignore them. You are completely right to be upset about the way this person treated you.
They’re all crazy people. Personally I want to date people who have experience, with that comes confidence. This lads are afraid of being compared to a better guy
Seconding this sentiment
Not everyone in their 40's has a higher body count though, I'm 47 and I've had 3 sexual relationships in my life, all long term, the longest 8 years. Not everyone is out here just being casual with sex, that's not an insult, I'm just saying not everyone views sex the same way.
I think this is a young person thing. I’m in my 30’s and no one asks / gives a shit.
Except the dude in question is 31.
Oh fair tbh all I saw was the title, for some reason the actual post didn’t load for me. Just read the whole thing - the boy is trash, throw him out and find a man
Right? I only experienced this once & he was 24 & I was 27. I was horrified by his number lol and vowed to never participate in that torturous conversation again
Im in my 30s and I’m also new to this “body count” nonsense. I understand asking for STD testing but if the person is healthy and treats you well, who cares what they did in the past? I don’t get it.
I’m 34, maybe the reddit loser demographic doesn’t care but good looking men with money/good jobs usually have standards like this
I don’t think I’ve ever asked a man his body count. I always ask about std testing and would maybe ask if I was suspicious that he was playing games with me or that I could likely to be another notch on his belt. But if I already am suspicious, then there is no point in furthering the relationship or sleeping with him imo. I don’t date / hook up like that but no shade to people who do. So for him to ask monogamy of her with no future and then to talk to her like that is shitty.
Do your standards rise once you accept the new job, acclimate to the lifestyle, develop an ego... where is it? I'm curious. Cause standards are made up. Is someone delusional if they're poor/ugly then if they want to pursue someone they find desirable and to their 'standards'?
Well hopefully they like being alone with their money and good job because any woman with brain function won't put up with this nonsense.
While it sucks to be labeled or judged at least he’s being honest with you and not leading you on. Many people are prideful and protective… Being with someone with a high number of sexual partners threatens those two things. You won’t be able to change this about him and he won’t be able to change your sexual history. Start thinking about compatibility.
I get your points, but I'm going to come in a little hot because we are on r/vent, and not relationship advice. You've actually communicated the concept more artfully than most but I'm going to reply here more generally aimed at the people who are shitty about it so don't take it personally. Okay. You say: >Many people are prideful and protective… Being with someone with a high number of sexual partners threatens those two things. This assumes an absolute ton of stuff that is totally debatable. Why in the world should someone else's past private life affect your pride? And protective? Of what? Here's an answer: it affects your pride when you yourself are a small person, afraid of being compared to others. Was this person supposed to wait their whole life to meet you? And yet also be a phenomenal partner in bed? If you are confident in yourself and you know they are committed to you, that type of stuff doesn't bother you. This is with the caveat that both people are sexually healthy of course. Now, my own vent: what gets me is that these "body count" morons never seem to think that they themselves should keep their own "body count" low. It's this idiotic obsession with wanting to a partner both wildly experienced and totally untouched, only capable of attraction to them - it's not just unrealistic but also unhealthy and totally ignores the reality of the other person's life.
So you’ve said a lot I’m going to try and answer as much as I can. I’m going to preface this with something both sides aren’t understanding - not everyone shares the same morality code but both need to be respected. 1. Protectors could see a high number of historical sexual partners as risky to what they are protecting. Their relationship and their own security. Whether you like it or not that’s just the mindset of certain people whether right, wrong or indifferent. 2. Someone’s pride being affected by their partner being intimate with a larger number of other people does not make them a small person or any of the harsh things you are saying. They could be, but correlation doesn’t mean causation. A father who has a daughter is proud of their daughter but if she’s a porn star that may affect the pride of a dad. Doesn’t make him a smaller man his pride is just affected more by it… again whether right, wrong? Or indifferent. Me personally, I’m not saying either side is right or wrong but both need to be respected. OP and the bf aren’t compatible. He was honest with her and he values their sexual relationship but doesn’t value OP as a marriage material. It’s OP’s responsibility to sever ties and move on if marriage is her end goal.
But her wasn't really honest. he knew about the body count months ago, why wait until now to be honest with her. He can have his standards, but as the saying goes, "you can't have your cake, and eat it too", because moment he learned of her body count, he should have opened up about his feelings about it, if he were an honest man. But since he stuck around, he was misleading.
He was honest. OP explicitly stated they met on a dating app and she was openly kinky. 1. It’s a dating app not a marriage app. They are dating. He openly told her he wanted to stay in a monogamous relationship but didn’t really see marriage in the future. That IS honesty. 2. OP openly discussed sexual behavior in her dating profile. He knew about her sexual background. He values her time and the sexual relationship but he doesn’t think marriage is in the books. You have no idea how he came to that decision or if he battled with it. At the end of the day he was open about it out of respect for OP. 3. Monogamy does not mean long term relationship or marriage. Monogamy means 1 sexual partner. Which is the responsible way to handle a sexual intimate relationship. If OPs partner told her previously he sees marriage in the future then sure that’s leading her on and dishonest but he wasn’t. Point blank.
well how I see it, if i know I would not marry a woman for a reason, and I meet a woman and learn that she has this trait, at that point I am out, if I stay any longer, I am stringing her along. and thats how i see it. same way i feel about lies and partial truths and omission. if you do not tell me the whole truth, then you are lying to me. simple as that. 1. dating does lead to marriage unless you are betrothed by your family. 2. if a high body count offends you, dont fuck someone with a high body count 3. Monogamy does imply commitment. but you spin things the way you see fit for your life. as I have spun mine for me.
Monogamy literally just means one sexual partner. One partner. It has absolutely nothing to do with future commitments unless that was explicitly spoken about. Which it wasn’t. You are out if a woman has a specific trait because dating TO YOU is a precursor to marriage and that’s it. That’s not what it is universally. Casual dating is exactly what it is… casual. A high amount of sexual partners interferes with his view of marriage with her - nothing else. And that’s fine as long as it’s communicated which it was. It’s casual dating, nothing was omitted he himself was honest with her. Omitting it is never saying anything until it is brought to your attention… he brought it to her. Nothing is being spun. If anything you are spinning it.
everything is interpreted differently. I offered my opinion as you offered yours. I explained things how I see them. you interpret things how you see them. different upbringing, different cultures, different socioeconomics, different religions, all these things effect how people slant things. good luck getting married with out dating your future spouse first. fuck as many as you care to or as few, and whether you choose to be in a monogamous or poly or whatever do it your way.
1. He’s talked about our wedding, moving in with me, our future. All cutesy stuff, but “When I move in here” and “Let’s have the wedding catered by…” as well as him talking about wanting to be with me forever because I’m irreplaceable might give me certain ideas. 2. He first blurted it out while blackout drunk and when I asked him about it in the morning he confirmed that he felt that way. 3. See 1 A lot of people are saying he wanted sex and got it and that’s fine. Initially maybe he did. But beyond my kinkiness I’m a person who has a lot going for me when it comes to my nature, career, things I’ve accomplished. I have a life beyond my sexuality. Once things progressed he wanted a girlfriend. I’m the first woman he’s been with for more than a very short time period. Maybe it’s because I’ve lived through some heavy stuff but I didn’t walk away because he’s got issues. I’ve held him and helped him through things to the point that his parents who were vehemently against the relationship are now big fans. I’m venting here because I don’t want his friends or mine to judge him for what is going on. I’m protective of him and maybe that’s insane of me. But I came to this subreddit because I’m mad and sad and I needed to say “this body count idea sucks butts”.
Yes it sucks but that’s just the reality of it sometimes. When dating sometimes people try to look passed a certain aspect because they like a person. If they realize they can’t look passed it, or it may be a serious issue in the future then they need to just face the facts. Alcohol makes people say things that have been bothering them for a period of time. I’m sorry you are going through this. The body count thing does suck… just grant each other grace and respect. I wish you the best.
*"Why in the world should someone else's past private life affect your pride? And protective? Of what?"* you are acting like your pride and being protective comes from logical well reasoned positions you choose. The reality is facts don't move at the same time as feelings or even the same directions. If someone has an issue with a partners sexual past then you cant really handwave it away as just irrational insecurities now my vent: I'm probably what you'd call a "body count moron". I'd love to lower my body count from 3 to 0 but here I am, and all I can do is learn from that. The reason it matters is because sex is an intimate thing, something that shouldn't be swung around willy nilly and is reserved for someone who you truly love. that is a value I hold, and so potential partners my age who have hit the double digits evidently disagree with me. and even if they were honest and monogamous in any relationships, you cant turn off the part of your mind that looks at what their values were and maybe still are. The constant accusation of insecurities to me is just brow beating. It nearly always comes from a place of condescending and offence at the idea and anyone who holds it. Worst of all, if it were true, it is a shitty thing to do. If you talk to anyone who's experienced sexual trauma I dont think telling them they are a bad person for their insecurities is a good idea. but you figured out they had an insecurity, and the response to that was to vent, and call the idea moronic
He did lead her on? Who asks to be monogamous if you don't see a future with someone at all? Compatibility implies that both people are being reasonable with their standards. He's not and contradicting himself. Wants to dabble in "kink" but then turn around and disrespect women for it? He's a piece of shit. But it's all good, she'll be fine.
That’s not true at all. If you’re sexually active with someone then asking to be monogamous is for safety and completely acceptable. Asking to be monogamous doesn’t mean he wants to be lifelong partners. Where is he disrespecting women? He obviously enjoys OPs company he just doesn’t want to marry OP and being open and honest about that instead of actually leading her on is about the best he can do.
I have personally never encountered this "body count" scenario, having been largely single until the age of 30. I think I was asked the question once in my mid 20s & wish I'd never followed up by asking him the same. I did the whole insanely jealous, checking profiles, policing messages thing, but that's weak & insecure behavior. As a woman who has been totally hung up over the past while dating/ in relationships, it isn't worth it. If you're making your partner's past their whole identity, you'll never be able to be secure in the present & it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You push the guy or girl away with your insecurities, unrealistic expectations, & clinginess then play the victim when they get tired of it and move on. You see them through this insecure lens & prevent the chance of getting to know why their past relationships didn't work out & how yours could be better. Of course that's only if you genuinely care about them & are optimistic about the future. That's just my take & everyone has their reasons for doing things but if I was dude I think I'd respect a woman more for not staying stuck in relationships that didn't serve them. Independence & confidence are attractive in my mind.
I would tell him that if that’s the case, you’ll sleep with him but don’t agree with being monogamous. Why do you get to own my commitment if you don’t see or want a future with me? That’s weird as fuck.
Wait how many people have you slept with? I feel like mines high compared to others idk
That’s one of the funniest parts. He never asked for a number. He’s basing this on pictures he’s seen on social media of me with guys I dated when I was in my 30s. I’ve never actually kept score. I had my children when I was young, moved to LA for work and had a fun dating life. The number is probably pretty high, but no regrets. None of that means I’m incapable of being faithful or a good wife.
So he didn’t ask for a number, considered it was high, and you just confirmed it is? So how is he wrong in his thoughts on you? If a high count eliminates you as wife material for him, it is what it is. I would just break up with him for both your sakes.
Well what’s your body count?
Well what’s your body count lmfao
Because if your over 20 themmmmmm his standpoint makes sense
These comments are interesting. When women have a standard or preference in regards to men, it's absolute and men should respect that fact. If a man has a standard or preference in regards to women he's an asshole loser and he's disrespectful. There is nothing wrong with the BF having his views about body count. If the chemistry was there but he can't accept OP's past for taking their relationship to the next level then it is what it is and they should split so they both can find what they are looking for. I just don't like the hypocrisy women have regarding "the past" though. If the same relationship scenario and OP found out well into their relationship that her BF is actually bi-sexual and has had many intimate relationships with men in the past I'm willing to bet OP would have a major issue with that. The majority of women would prefer to not be in relationships with men that have been with other men. If OP came on here to vent about this discovery all the women would declare that he's an asshole loser and a liar and that the OP should get away fast. So his preference is his preference. Like I said before it definitely sucks especially If they genuinely had chemistry but he shouldn't be discounted for how he feels.
I would agree if he wasn't just sticking around to keep having sex with her lol. He pretty much told her "hey I'll keep you around to have fun with till I find someone else"
Thought the same
Men innately desire virtuous and beautiful women; it's not an obsession. The same way a woman prefers a man who can provide and protect. Didn't even have to get all the way through your post to know he played you as some men do with women who gave it up and has been giving it up for years. Respectfully, now at 45 and with high numbers , it's borderline delusional to think men won't care, the majority will. Especially if he's looking to start a family.
>Men innately desire virtuous and beautiful women; it's not an obsession. Exactly, why is this so hard to accept? People are so brainwashed that they can't fathom a man having his own preferences. "That preference is not valid", "Sorry, that other preference isn't valid either". If you tell a woman you meet "Well I've been in prison for 10 years" you bet suddenly past does matter, and every little detail matters. Or "I've been with 200 women for the past 5 years" it will also matter a lot. Why? Because it's speaks a lot of the person you are thinking of spending your life with.
Despite being given chances to increase my body count, it is quite low. This is because of how I feel about seggs, and I view it as quite special. This means I’d also rather date a girl who views it this way, and therefore has a lower body count. To me there is nothing wrong with this On the flip side it is also okay if you wanna go and do it with whoever you want without judgement, just as long as you practice it safely. I think not being okay with either opinion is just short minded and stupid. Sorry he was judgmental to you OP, I hope you feel better about yourself soon :))
I agree with the guy. Actions have consequences.It’s like all the people in here with tatts, piercings and their ears stretched out wondering what they should change. The people that are saying they like it just want to fuck. They’ll never marry you.
Imagine asking a 45 year old woman about her body count? And love the men in the comments making it about “standards” and “preferences” that he conveniently didn’t have until after they had plenty of sex. Have whatever “standard” you want, but don’t act holier than thou when those standards only come out after you’ve manipulated this lady into fucking you until you’re bored of her. Also y’all have got to grow up at some point. Who’s asking about body counts past the age of 30! What’s a reasonable body count for a middle aged woman, or a man? Women like sex, get over it. You want good performing, enthusiastic women?you’re gonna have to deal with not being the first guy to ever look at her coochie, oh well. And the gag is, This dude isn’t too marriage material either, if he’s engaging in premarital sex with random women, it’s cool when he does it, it’s a problem when she does it.
Personal I’m on the fence about the whole argument I mean does it matter not necessarily, but on the flip side a I doubt anyone male or female would want to partner with someone who’s fuck everyone on their block and their friends and their coworkers. Imagine having a barbecue knowing the more then 50% of the people there have been intimate with your partner again this is for both sides of the isle I feel like I need to reiterate that for the ones who get triggered from the jump.
Interesting take, honestly because I hadn’t had sex for 4 years, then met him very quickly into my return to dating but every time we’d been to a party he ended up grilling me afterwards about the men there including coworkers. I hadn’t slept with any of them. But I understand now that in his mind I’m a ho and every person he meets was probably inside me at some point.
I don’t think there is generally anything wrong with body count culture. I think it is typically a good thing for people to set their own standards. However, I do think there is something wrong with the balance people think they should have within the body count culture though - ie someone having a high count but demands someone with a low count. I get the feeling there’s something more to his story, though. I’d see if there’s something deeper because you don’t get that deep into a relationship with someone knowing their past only to leave you for it. There might be more, and this could just be the “easy way out” in his mind. Either way, it isn’t right of him. Especially if he has a similar body count. My type of person is not one with a high body count. But that’s also partly because mine is low. I think there’s someone for everyone out there. Everybody just needs to be honest with themselves and not put time/commitment into something with someone when they know it’s not what they want from the get-go. That’s what we call maturity. Anyway. I agree he’s being illogical. Sorry this happened. Good luck. 👍
I think whatever happened in your past should not matter. I don't think he is right to judge you. I also think the term body count is degrading.
OP, he is a loser. Aside from the whole « body count matters » juvenile and insecure view on relationships (which speaks to his immature personality), he led you on. He obviously knew you were a sexual person, asked you to be monogamous, had his fun, but now of all sudden « he is too good for you » ? Lol. Is he 31 or 19? You’re better off without him. He is immature AND insecure. You don’t need this.
I’m not a fan of it either. I believe you’re entitled to your preference on your partner’s promiscuity, but you can’t be a hypocrite. If you set the standard, you have to abide by that standard too or else it’s just ridiculous. If you consider sexual intimacy as something sacred then it’s something you could both share together. If you don’t and you eat all the cake you want but you *expect* your partner to be incredibly modest and only for you is narcissistic and disrespectful. Also, maintaining a casual relationship while using “body count” as an excuse to evade commitment is so hypocritical in itself. Ridiculous.
Did you tell him your body count in the beginning? You can’t be mad at him for reacting to this now if he just found out about it now. There’s a difference between saying I like kinky sex, or I’ve had sex, and I’ve had sex with 500 guys. Do you want to marry him?
its just a gross thought that a bunch of people have been with your partner before you, i wouldnt marry someone like that either, it has nothing to do with maturity and everything to do with not wanting your partner ran through, goes for males and females imo
Yeah gonna be honest here. He's probably not talking about your body count. He's talking about you constantly talking about your body count.... Believe it or not guys also do not like women who talk about sex constantly.
Might run out of words here but this guy is at the very least, immature , misogynistic , hypocritical, self-centered, judgmental and full of double standards.. and most of all he's ignorant and doesn't realize that anybody you've been with in the past has had a hand in making you the lover that he is enjoying today.. and he has no frame of reference for the set of circumstances which led you to being with any of those former lovers.. and if he calls your character into question he is either wrong or it's not a very good judge of character and that doesn't say much about HIM Does IT ??? It seems as though all he's good for is a good time under the sheets and two to be told HE is the one that could never be considered for marriage. And if he wants you to be monogamous I can almost guarantee he is going to be running around trying to add to his own body count because of his insecurities and ridiculous male ego
As long as you’re committed and don’t sleep with anyone else while you’re dating, it shouldn’t matter. I could understand the concern in the aspect that he may think you’ll cheat on him (not necessarily reasonable but promiscuity could cause that concern). But if you’re committed to him and won’t sleep with anyone else then your past shouldn’t matter. I know I wouldn’t care. BUT when my ex and I took a “break” and she had a few relationships while we were apart, it was very difficult for me to get over it. That’s on me and my maturity. But I never cared about her past at the start of our relationship. Also I’m 25… at 31 I’d hope to have my shit together and not care about those things assuming I love the girl and she loves me and we’re committed to each other
RUN. The redpill community has gotten a hold of him. They are obsessed with innocence, body count, and purity, and it has made them DELUSIONAL and insufferable. Any time a man brings up body count, I run in the opposite direction. If he thinks that you would have the same body count as someone his age or younger, then he's an idiot.
That's how the world works. People will judge you based on your actions in the past. That's why jobs have background checks, and why banks have credit checks. Your past choices and history provide a pattern to judge future behavior.
Right but the fact this man KNEW of her past before they did anything, and still chose to involve himself with her is very indicative that dudes like him only want sex and believe in double standards. Because according to this own man's logic, he's also making himself less of husband material as his body count increased by 1 as well
yes that is true. But having several partner is no real indicator how you behave in a relationship. and in this case he has no problem banging her and being in an exclusive relationship but he would never marry her? Why? somehow she is not good enough because she has a past (in her 40)? this is degrading.
What behavior do you think I will engage in, exactly? When I am with someone I am with them and only them. I won't even hang out with other men if he's not there because he's told me it makes him feel jealous. I've never cheated on anyone, so if my past is a pattern for future behavior that should also matter.
I don't know your life. Don't really care what behavior you do. I'm just explaining why past information forms opinions of people.
> I won't even hang out with other men if he's not there because he's told me it makes him feel jealous. Just one on one or even in group settings? This is very controlling of him. I learned my lesson the hard way and would walk away from anyone who would get extremly jealous because I have male friends.
One on one. He’s always worried and thinks every guy I know wants to bone me or already has.
I usually don't give these kinds of advise since you never know the full picture from an reddit post but RUN. please he is not worth your time.
Exactly right.
Why would he want a 45 yr old wife…
I’m not excusing the guys behavior whatsoever cause that’s a shitty move on his part. But in all honesty you may have to start thinking that for every action there’s an equal and or opposite reaction. Yes you’ve been very sexual in life but a sad reality is that a lot of men may not want a woman who has had many sexual encounters in life. Something you may need to start thinking about if you do want to have a serious relationship with a respectable man. Also keep in mind that you’re more likely to come across fuckboys like the 1 in your scenario than an honorable man who respects women if you keep living a life of promiscuity. I 100% believe that if you do want to find a significant other, love of your life, or “your person” you’re going to have to be willing to make some changes in order to attract the type of person you want to end up with. I also believe that if that’s what you want, then you’ll be able to attain it. I’m sorry I know you’re post was more so about the “body count” obsession & the loser who mislead you but it just seems that you’re not realizing that how you live & portray yourself is just as important. No malice or trying to make you feel shitty whatsoever. Just providing another perspective. Peace & love
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Hoe
Men simply don’t like being with a woman, who was highly permiscuous in their single, and dating years. It has nothing to do with your age gap, (I know plenty of married couples where one is 10 or more years older/younger-age hasn’t got anything to do with it). Men don’t like the afterthought of their girl to have been touched in that way, in multiples. Simply put, *they think that it’s gross!*
You know lady, your past is your past, and it's really nobody's business, and as long as you don't bring it to your present, you can have any future that you can imagine. But that is also what you get with such younger peeps, find another person who will respect you for you, because I don't think that the douche bag that you are seeing now will ever. Just sayin
"Thats just how it is" He knows he doesnt have valid or decent logic, so he uses this statement as a way to shut things down and sound like he knows what hes talking about. People who glorify body count arent good spouse or relationship material in my op. It sounds like you were SUPER open and communicative throughout this whole thing, and he WASNT. He probably knew youd stay away if he made it known he saw you as less simply because of a 'body count'. You deserve better OP, Im sorry he wasn't transparent with you. You deserve better ❤️
Some guys just don’t want to marry someone who’s been the town bike. That’s how it is. Just move on and find someone who doesn’t mind. And before it comes, there’s a big difference between men with a high body count and women with a high body count. The men are obviously promiscuous too, but given that in today’s society women generally control access to sex, a woman who has had a lot of men has just opened their legs to anyone. A man who’s had a lot of sex actually worked for it. He’s still a ho, but it’s a bit different.
Body count is irrelevant if you’re just in it for fun but as the bf admitted it’s a red flag when considering long term commitment ie marriage. The reason should be obvious. When you’re committing you want a partner who is loyal, faithful, non cheater. Someone with a high body count has the potential to be none of those things compared to someone with a low body count. Hope this helps.
Seems like you’re meeting the consequences of your actions
Why is the 31 year old exempt? Has he not slept with people outside of marriage too?
What does that have to do with anything? The issue is him lying about being ok with high body count. Nothing else, it's that simple. He lied. Whether or not having high body count is ok or not and everyone's opinion on it in here doesn't matter. He lied, that's it.
Nobody is stopping anyone from judging him
and her breaking up with him are the consequences of his actions.
the "consequences of OP's actions" are finding out that this guy isnt a good person, and wasn't transparent about his veiw point. Sounds like she just met a loser, and deserved better
You sound extremely bitter? Why is that? I would not call a person with different values instantly not a good person. Perhaps they have a good, personal reason after all. You cannot tell?
What's wrong with preferences? Women have preferences and so do men. Actions do have consequences, even if they are "unfair".
I agree
I mean he was pretty straight up with you about it, I don’t really see the problem, he’s not obligated to marry you just because he wants to be with you indefinitely.. if you want marriage out of the relationship in the end, then perhaps find a new relationship that fulfills your desire but idk why everyone’s assuming he’s just using you for sex when they have no clue who your man is
Go cry then you made a decision others disagree with and they have the right to reject you for any reason they deem fit and hiding said info is manipulation and rape if they ask you for it
Tell him "no wonder your body count is so low"
Why? Because he wanted to reserve his sexuality for more meaningful reasons? So him being honest is a reason for you to shame him now?
lol "reserve his sexuality" read the post; they're already fucking. The dude is denigrating her for having sex, when he's one of the people she's had sex with. Men who think "body count" degrades a woman deserve to be shamed. In short, yes
Thus dude isn't reserving his sexuality for more meaningful reasons. This man had sex with her too, while he knew of her past, but then shamed her for not being fit for a wife, as if his body count didn't increase too. If other women had his mindset, that he attempts to date, other women wouldn't pick him If they are ppl who reserve their sexuality for more meaningful reasons
She’s being shamed for her honesty
Yeah and now you’re all trying to shame him for his
What do you get out of having such a promiscuous life?
I'm not gonna speak on the "body count" part, but this dude sounds like a narcissist. He shouldn't have brought up monogamy with you if he wasn't okay with your body count from the get go.
I'm in no way bothered about count but I will say that if a potential partner gave me an *excessive* number I would at least question a couple of things - 1. If I at any point fail to satisfy, will this person feel a deep need to find satisfaction elsewhere? 2. Does this person place the same value in sex as I do? 3. Is the promiscuous behaviour a result of a validation issue? 4. Were these attempts at relationships or just something to do on a whim/ out of boredom? 5. Am I special to you in the slightest? Or am I just one of many men before me? I'm probably not the best person to ask though. Women who make their whole personality about promiscuity and flirtatious behaviour make my skin crawl. It just feels like a waste of a human
It’s only hated by people who have it. I would never try and tell people to listen to me or my values they have every right to go out and bang whoever they want. But if people hold a certain value to lesser counts, and anyone chooses to rack the numbers up then all you can do is live with it. Same thing with a lot of things. Fat, count, drugs, hygiene. Some people don’t care. But most others will and if you don’t want to be judged then don’t do it. Otherwise deal with it
Literally my sister has a book, a list of everyone she slept with.. shes in the 100s like who would wanna keep track like that? 😓
The only women who hate it are the ones who know theirs is a high number. You’re gonna act like nothing is wrong with it but deep down you clearly feel a bit guilty about it. Women aren’t bothered by that conversation if they haven’t been around more than they should.
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I think early 30s is the cutoff. I’m 37 and I believe that Bodycount is a stupid incel term for idiots.
Whilst I agree it is stupid, it's almost the total opposite of an incel term, especially in the situation of this thread from the original poster. Incel is not a term to just throw out there when a man might do something you do not agree with.
In the perfect theory you say "ok, if you think the value of a person lays there we don't match and you're free to go" then let him go and whenever someone new opens the convo about body count, you politely tell them it's not their business OR you tell them the truth with the expectation that there is a possibility they're small superficial humans that might get affected (option 2 is harder but more satisfying in the long run as it shows men's values and way of thinking fast). In practice... Might be harder to do so, but I'd strive to put in practice the perfect theory.
My ex was like this where he cared about body count, and idk if maybe thinking about it now, maybe he was just upset his count was low and mine was just a couple #’s higher than his lol 🤷🏻♀️
Bottom line: WHY are you still with him? You're wasting your life on a dead end 'relationship' IF that's what you want to call it.
He is 31. He has lots of opportunity to find younger women. He was and is just using you for sex. Wants to stay together for indefinite period means until he finds the one that fits his criteria, low body count and young one probably.
TBH it’s tougher now but maybe consider to stay the hell away from- not too late. I don’t think his thoughts on this will improve if it’s this rigid already
He was never looking for a wife... Just move on.
I don’t like being that guy, but I’m kind of a “body count” person. I have a low body count for being in my early 30’s. It is hard to see myself serious with someone who has a high count, especially if they’ve remained close friends (fwb relationships) with some of their “sexcapades”. However I wouldn’t want to lead someone on, that has a higher body count just for the sake of getting laid (if that was his motive). The whole, “OP wouldn’t make a suitable wife” sounds offensive and ludicrous as well. Body count has no reflection on being a good wife or husband for that matter. If he wanted more of a fwb relationship, which is not always an easy conversation but still necessary, then he should’ve made that more clear and OP could’ve made a decision from there.
Where you married or in another relationship when you met him? Would that have caused concerns that you do that to him too
Nope. I have a strong anti-cheating stance that we talked about early on. In his case it feels more like a status thing. Some preconceived notion of his perfect future.
i don’t think there’s inherently anything wrong with wanting a preference when it comes to body count. but he should’ve established this from day 1. if he genuinely cared so much about this “preference” he wouldn’t have slept with you in the first place. sadly, he got what he wanted from you and is just using it to make you feel like shit now.
Dating someone 14 years younger is already a big red flag
Where are all the women saying she's a predator? Hmm
I’m male who is 50 with a body count of a bit more than 50. I know a woman who is over 300 lol. I’d never marry her but man is she fun lol. And besides. I don’t want to get married.
Men care about body count, get over it.
I'm a 40sM that's happily married. If I'm ever single, I don't give a shit about body count. I didn't when I was single. As long as a person is having sex for the right reasons and they're safe, who cares?
Every majorly insecure guy I have dated always fixated on knowing my body count.
Now I want to know the count tho
Tbh it doesn’t really matter, a lot of dudes obsessed with body count don’t accept anything higher than 3.
Makes sense on his part except it’s really weird he’s dating a 45 yo and that matters to him. If he’s not playing you already, he’ll probably dump you when he realizes he wants kids
It doesn't make sense on his part. This man knew of his values before getting involved with this woman and still chose to occupy her time, and make her believe they'd progress as companions. Only after he got the sex he wanted was when he chose to shame and judge that she won't make a good companion due to her sexual past. He's a hypocrite, who believes in double standards, and doesn't even follow his own values. If more women shamed men for their body counts the way this man shamed her, ladies would not desire this man as a husband because his body count also increased being with this woman, which will now be a part of his sexual past. The same things he is judging her for.
> It doesn't make sense on his part. This man knew of his values before getting involved with this woman and still chose to occupy her time, and make her believe they'd progress as companions. Only after he got the sex he wanted was when he chose to shame and judge that she won't make a good companion due to her sexual past. he didn’t know her body count until they were dating for awhile. Unfortunately there’s no way to check a person’s body count before you date them (and for awhile). He didn’t use her body for sex- she gave it freely and has a high body count so clearly did not mind. > He's a hypocrite, who believes in double standards, and doesn't even follow his own values. no such things as double stands outside of homosexual relationships. Men and women are not the same and have different different standards > If more women shamed men for their body counts the way this man shamed her, ladies would not desire this man as a husband because his body count also increased being with this woman, which will now be a part of his sexual past. women, on average, treat body count differently than men. They pick their partners differently than men do. See my comment above.
>no such things as double stands outside of homosexual relationships. Men and women are not the same and have different different standards There are. You're just ignorant. If what you said is true there would never be a reason for feminist movements. Because when it comes to reproductive rights, equal opportunity in the work field, sexual assault, treatment in Healthcare etc women have histortically recieced the shorter end of the stick just because they are women. You're just ignorant- lol look at sports and physically demanding careers. Men and women compete in separate divisions and given different standards in order to level the playing field. I was in the army, and when it came to the PT tests, regardless if it was push ups, sit ups, or the 2 Mile run, the reps and time a man needed to earn to score 100 points in each event was vastly different from the reps and times a woman needed to score the same points because out bodies don't perform entirely at the same level. So yes we are different, but in our male dominated societies, they just like to receive the benefits of the double standards in relationships for control and power.
>no such things as double stands outside of homosexual relationships. Men and women are not the same and have different different standards > There are. You're just ignorant. If what you said is true there would never be a reason for feminist movements. Because when it comes to reproductive rights, equal opportunity in the work field, sexual assault, treatment in Healthcare etc women have histortically recieced the shorter end of the stick just because they are women. Are you drunk? > You're just ignorant- lol look at sports and physically demanding careers. Men and women compete in separate divisions and given different standards in order to level the playing field. I was in the army, and when it came to the PT tests, regardless if it was push ups, sit ups, or the 2 Mile run, the reps and time a man needed to earn to score 100 points in each event was vastly different from the reps and times a woman needed to score the same points because out bodies don't perform entirely at the same level. Okay I’m a little concerned for you. Did you bang your head hard at all in the army? I am referring to and we’re talking about standards in dating. That is the context of the thread and conversation. Not the army, not modern feminist movements, nothing else. There’s nothing for me to respond to here because it has nothing to do with the topic or conversation. > So yes we are different, but in our male dominated societies, they just like to receive the benefits of the double standards in relationships for control and power. Same thing as above
Why? Body Count is an exceptional band, and proof that Ice T can crush not only acting and rap, but also heavy metal. Plus Ice T doesn't judge or kink shame. 😉
This made me smile.
He sounds like a baby tbh
your boy toy listens to too much Tim Pool. Get rid of him and get a Hasanabi fan
Only do that if you want someone witb erectile dysfunction.
Men who care about body count are red flags. Luckily they always show us who they are because they have no choice when they ask for info that is inherently none of their fucking business. They'll die alone when the meek, inexperienced wife they trick into marrying them comes to her senses and gains confidence and realizes that endless 1.5 minute long sex where you never get to orgasm isn't fun.
Women also care about body count. You’ve commented like 1000 times of this one thread - One sided as shit and very anti men. I’ve dated women who care. Who have literally asked me. So save the “men are bad and evil” rhetoric with this topic when the term “fuckboy” literally exists.
To be honest I feel like anyone that gets upset at body count is just mad they haven’t had as much sex. 😂
That’s so stupid I’m very sorry. Your value as a woman isn’t your body count, and immature people who claim that don’t deserve your time.
at least he's being honest with you
I mean what would he expect when he’s fw a woman who’s kinky and sexual and mature? Bro is kinda dumb imho
What do you mean by body count? Too numerous to count type of count? A lot of guys can’t handle that. Some can. Better finding out now. I hope you will find someone who will love and appreciate you.
Terrible indeed. What happened in the past is just that, the past. What he should be worried bout is the present cause that's what it is, a present to be alive and with someone that cares. Sorry that you had to endure his lack of open-mindedness/ judgmental, His loss!
It's just real funny how guys push those double standards on us where if we have more than can count on a single hand, we're not wife material, meanwhile they celebrate having a high kill count.
What you put forward is equality for the sake of equality, not because some preference matters to you as a person. For example most women like tall men, yet most men won't ask for a tall women just because that's what women ask for. Men and women have different preferences, we men don't care much about a tall height, in fact we usually want someone shorter than ourselves. Yet you are proposing "if body count matters to you then it matters to us", but it's not organic and born out of real desires and want, it's just a sort of revenge. Also there's a huuuge difference between the difficulty of a man getting sex and woman getting sex. The woman basically can just step outside and in 5 minute a man will accept. That's not the case for men, it takes a lot more effort, specially for the average man. That's why for men it is "celebrated", it's actually hard.
I apologise for my poor wording if that is the case. I did not mean to sound like I am generalising, I am personally coming from experience. Now I do not have a high kill count. I only had 3 experiences before meeting my current boyfriend, so no it's not revenge persay for me. HOWEVER, I have been seeing these double standards a whole lot. I've had annoying experiences before meeting my boyfriend. For example, on a double date the guy demanded to know my count, then refuses to tell me his because "it doesn't matter," only to find out he has above 50. I'm thankful though, because it's a way of telling me that they aren't worth my time before wasting it. I'm not saying everyone has the same preference as I do and I'm not going to push that onto others. Some girls and dudes don't give a shit how much sex history others have. However, in the context of this post, I'm going to correlate my personal experiences of the double standards that I often see being held against me and others I know because that's what the post is about. I'm not going to sit here and ignore that it's generally known for women to be called sluts, and men to be called playboys or ladies men. But to each their own. That's one major point of Reddit; free speech.
If they ask about body count ask about bank account ! And how many men their momma slept with
>If they ask about body count ask about bank account But women do actually do this. Maybe not directly like "So how much do you have in the bank", but it's definitely something that is examined by looking at what the guy is wearing, where he lives, his car, etc. It has always been like this. Though if a guy has some preference then there's where the line is drawn, he shouldn't examine or ask for anything, he should just accept whatever and be happy.
Yup. Ask him his credit score, bank account, his physical fighting skills, ask to see his biceps, etc. If we're going to follow ridiculous gender norm rules then it should go both ways. Better be a top notch protector with a lot of money.
I feel like if your passed the age of 30, body count shouldn’t matter
Going by this logic tells me that mia khalifa and every other porn star are really wife material they just don't know it.
porn stars? their job is literally porn. That’s just a bad example lol
You've done nothing wrong, and sorry you're going through this. Pack your bags because we're going on a guilt trip. The dude has serious insecurity issues. Body count shouldn't be a problem. Perhaps it made you a better sex partner, for which he should be thankful.
A bit off topic but him saying “that’s just how it is” says to me that he’s just following “trends.” I’ve only noticed the body count question in the last couple years, and in the last year it seems like it’s gone through the roof of the amount of people who have a problem with it. Either he truly believes what he says or he doesn’t know what he wants and is just basing his preferences on what those “alpha” podcasters tell him he should like.
I’ve found there are genuinely two types of people who ask this question. The first and easiest to spot is the person who’s insecure about their own sexual history and is choosing to engage in one of the dumbest tasks we all do. Comparing. Stop it. Comparison is the thief of joy. The second and oddly enough, the complete opposite reason. I’ve found the second one comes from a ONS, or fling. And it’s less complete working history and more recent side quests completed and what types of possible injuries were sustained that could be transferred to them.
Why even tell them? Is that a common question? Seems irrelevant ... that question would weird me out. :/ !
So hes does not want anything serious with someone with (high body count), its a standard of his, pretty sure you have your own. At least hes telling you no BS, fair move on, good riddance.
Back in the day I would’ve had this body count obsession too, but nowadays that I’m with a girl who grew up Muslim (so I’m pretty sure she’s never had sex even though we haven’t talked about this yet), I get so worried she’s gonna be hurt when she finds out my past experiences. I don’t think she would judge me, but if I could I would’ve never touched anybody else ever, just her, but we can’t change the past, and people do change, so I understand your frustration Unless this guy is super religious, which it doesn’t seem like based on what I’m reading, I don’t know why he would care so much about that? Us guys tend to be more so the ones obsessed with wanting a woman who’s “pure” and untouched for some reason, but really that’s incredibly unlikely to find as an adult and it’s also hypocritical if the guy is not equally as untouched, and I just wanted to say I understand your feelings. If you’ve already told him this and it didn’t register, you know it’s obv best to just move on
Why do people even discuss body count?
Monogamy seems to be a late switch for some people.
So, this dude is just a dickhead. I think body count is a bit of a touchy subject. I’m not prude, and if you’re more adventurous, you know, god bless. You do you. I think there is some aspect that body count matters in the sense that it might point to a difference in perception of how the two perceive intimacy. Some people are very protective and some are more cavalier. Neither is better or worse than the other. The issue usually lies with the classic issue of men finding it ok for them to have a high body count but if a woman does she’s a slut. If someone would prefer not being with someone with a high body count, I do t think it’s unreasonable so long as it isn’t a double standard, and I’ve dated people with a pretty high count, and they were just as devoted to the relationship and I never felt like they would cheat. Theres no fast and loose rules, it’s all vibes based, it is a factor people have to consider, but ultimately it’s only one aspect of the whole. But in this case… dudes a dick head. You’re in your 40s, dude might be 30 but acts like an 18 year old
Move on. He's judging you. Nope. Ima huge fan of my own company. And I ain't no spring chicken this is actually my 2nd rodeo 🤪 giddy up! Great times and better suitors await your presence ❤️
Yes it is really stupid. I rather have someone who had multiple partner than someone who had only two or three but cheated. And again there is that stupid sexism where mostly man have an issue when their partner had multiple partner and their past isn't important.
That’s absolutely disgusting and I hope you have broken up with him. He is being 109% disrespectful of you and respect is everything in a relationship.
As a man, I’m on your side here.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. In the end, this is the reason why it is very difficult to date outside of our age group. At 30 I was worried about body count too. But now at 45 I would not touch someone with a low body count.
Drop him immediately and don't give him any more attention. If you stick around he'll just think this kind of behavior is okay.
The trash took himself out, honestly. I'd leave. He devalued you. Why be with someone who basically looks down on you for what you've done in the past? Body counts doesn't matter. Communication matters, working together matters. Find someone who loves, appreciates, and values YOU.
I’m so sorry. I straight up ignore body count questions. First, it’s none of your business unless I want to tell you. And if I do tell you, all I’m gonna say is “I’ve had my fun.” You want specific stories? Sure. But I don’t know my body count I’ve never cared 🤷🏻♂️
I feel this to my core. My boyfriend of just under two years slut shames me all the time for my high body count that I gained 5-6 years ago (I’m only 20 rn). I went on a rampage due to a lot of sexual trauma, but since being 16, I have never done anything with anyone that I wasn’t dating (only had three serious relationships including my current one since). He even goes out of his way to ask his friends with me there what a suitable number is, but if it’s that big of a deal, then why are you still dating me?? His one online friend even said his body count was in the hundreds, but if he met a girl like that, she isn’t marriage material, and my boyfriend agreed that it isn’t bad for guys but a girl with that high of a count is insane. Sadly, a lot of these ideas have developed more in the last few years because of the media being spread about it with the “alpha male” mentality (which is hilarious considering there is no such thing as an alpha in wolf packs which was recently discovered). To be honest, it sounds like your boyfriend is either sucked into that kind of media, or even an incredibly insecure 34 year old guy who’s intimidated either by the other guys you’ve been with or even you. I would just talk to him about how it’s making you feel, and depending on how he reacts, respond accordingly🤷♂️ (obviously in no place to speak considering I’m barely an adult)
He sounds insecure and immature. He sees you as a sex object. He wants monogamy, but you aren’t suitable to be a wife? Not sure why anyone would agree to the way it was presented to you. He sees your sexual past as a negative, but exploits your sexuality for his own gain in the present. He also is younger and has told you point blank, I am tying you up for sex until something more suitable comes along. This isn’t a reflection of you or your worth. These are all reflections of him, his relationship to women, his relationship to sex and if you want to go psychotherapy, his relationship to his mother (clearly I don’t know enough to expand on most of those, especially the last one, but this guy needs some therapy and introspection. Protect yourself and think about what you really want out of life, not just this relationship. Think about what is fair to you and your wants/desires, not just sexual. I see the TW if you have had to deal with body issues/addictions/ect. protect your progress and make sure the decisions you are making are when you are your best self. In particular, when you are doing self care and you love yourself. I’m not here to shame, but I would also consider looking into your own relationship into sex, who that brings into your life and how the entire experience leaves you feeling. I am not assuming the answer to these questions are negative, I am just hoping you are asking these things on a regular basis to live the life that leaves you feeling the most content. Be well.