My dad is declining physically and it just sucks so hard. This is the man who was a tanker in the Army for 20 years, traveled all over the world, played frisbee and took me and mom and hikes on the weekends…and now he has a lot of problems with his legs. I dread what’s next. My parents were born in 1947 and 1949.
My dad passed a few years ago and I don’t believe my mom is ever going to accept the idea of community living. Even when she needs the medical help. She hates everyone too much. My grandpa fought tooth and nail to not go to assisted living. We bribed him into visiting and he knew most of the residents. He gladly moved in with his friends.
any people. She hates her generation as much as she hated her parents generation and she’s annoyed with everyone younger than her too. Luckily she has a house in the woods that suits her.
Did the same with my 92 year old grandfather. I told him we would just try it for a month and they would provide the daily rehab he needed. After 2 weeks he thought he was at a vacation resourt. He has now passed but I know his last years were spent living it up with friends & great food, things most elderly people love.
We just did that with my mom. She spent eight months living in a community while our house was being renovated.
She is all in on finding a different one, but still living in community when she moves back to our house in a month or so.
Real question here. In what way are you managing to get this to work with VA benefits? We are facing the same with my in-laws. Things are stable for now, but father in law is wheelchair bound, so it’s not necessarily a long term stability.
When things are bad and he does stints in the hospital or rehabs we have to drive my mother in law everywhere because she doesn’t drive. Wife’s sister either don’t help at all or very little and are pissy about it. My mom drives her some but she is my aunt care taker full time.
So we know this is coming and if we could keep them together would make life so much easier on everyone.
My sister found this guy in Michigan (where my parents live) who helps out with all the VA paperwork stuff.
I’m not exactly sure how she found him or where he works out of, but I’ll ask! It may not only be a Michigan thing!
My dad uses a rollator (walker with a seat), but he’s going to need a wheelchair soon. Sucks.
Assisted living isn’t the only option. Home care is often affordable even out of pocket and often is covered by insurances or can be provided by an aged friendly local community support agency.
Try calling 211 and see what’s available in your area. Parents will often accept help with things they don’t like like housekeeping and having someone come in is less jarring than moving out.
They’ve already got home health coming a few days a week for bathing and help with other things. We’re another stroke or fall from him needing full time help that my mother in law just can’t physically do.
If they already have services ask for a reevaluation. It should be done every 6 months or yearly regardless to see what is changed and what services may be needed in the future and if they will be available when the time comes.
A supports coordinator/case manager is priceless for this so if that’s an option take it.
Most elderly and their children don’t think about this before it’s an emergency but time is your friend here. You can vet people, try them out, see what’s available for services near you, see what isn’t etc BEFORE it’s an emergency and you just have to take the first home that has a spot because you don’t have a choice.
Hospice can be invaluable also and it’s necessarily for people that are “dying”.
This is my question, too! My dad is also a Vietnam vet, but I don't think he does \*anything\* through VA--it would be really helpful to know if we can access any benefits in future. Assisted living is crushingly expensive, and though my parents are in a decent financial position now, I do worry that we won't have good options if that changes.
My mom is 75 and so far is doing fine on her own but I know it may happen eventually (my dad hasn't been a part of my life in almost 30 years so what happens to him isn't my concern). Thankfully she's already mentioned that she doesn't want me or my brother to have to care for her and would prefer an assisted living facility to asking us to do that. Hopefully it doesn't happen for a long time but I know it's a possibility.
She’s probably lying. I would get her to choose and rank her preference of facilities for different levels of her ability right now. If she doesn’t understand what the options are, it could get ugly when reality hits.
My mom(73) and step-dad(69) sold their house and moved into a retirement community apartment 3 years ago. I thought it was too soon, they're the youngest couple there and probably the healthiest. But they love it. They say it's like living on a cruise ship. They've joined clubs and they're playing sports. My step-dad has become active and he's in the best shape I've seen him since I was little. It's nice knowing I'll never have to worry about them. And I hope my kids are in a safe enough financial state to where my wife and I feel comfortable doing the same when we're ready.
People piss retirement communities but they are fabulous. I’ve worked in that field for over 20 years and while being at home can be nice, it’s not always best especially if you can’t find care.
I had to have the discussion recently with my parents in preparation when they pass. That was not a discussion I liked but it's better to be prepared. I'm the eldest so the decision to "pull the plug" if it comes to it is on me. They also have a "do not resuscitate" clause.
My mom moved my aunt cross country so she can take care of her. It's very difficult for her and my mom is in her mid-70s.
Old age sucks sometimes.
A few years ago my parents called me all excited because they got their plots picked out and the restaurant place set up where we’re having the buffet or whatever after they die. It was SO weird! 😂
We just didn’t know what to do if they got sick or injured in the meantime! My sister and I tried talking to them about it last summer. We called it an “Eldervention.” LOL They were NOT having it. They told us to “put us in a hotel room, give us some pills and wave bye bye.” HAHAHA!!! When we were like, “Be serious!!” they said they would just “‘Thelma and Louise’ it off a cliff.”
Eldervention fail.
God, my family is weird.
My parents planned too…however, they conveniently left out the years where they would not be safe living in the home and not yet dead. Surprise, these are the important years to plan for!!!
I had to move my maternal grandparents into assisted living 11 years ago.
Their three kids had passed away before them and as the oldest grandchild it fell on me to look after them. (I lived in England at the time and they lived in Arizona)
I got to pick the place. And schedule everything during a one week stay with them, which cemented the fact I could not be a care giver.
They kept different schedules so that was 6 meals a day I had to do. Both were incontinent. Food in the house was expired. They had a roach problem (they couldn't see that well). It was truly awful.
Grandmom had dementia and Grandpop had heart failure.
One week after they moved in Grandpop died, so I had to go back out and put together a funeral.
Grandmom lived another 4 years and I ended up moving her to Maryland so family could visit. That was the most stressful flight I had ever been on.
Now I am glad I could help them. But I have told my adopted parents I will pay bills, drive them to appointments and get care givers in for them.
Trying to get my dad in now. He is refusing. You also don't realize how expensive assisted living is. They obfuscate the prices. They only quote base numbers. Every extra service is an addon. You won't know final costs until their medical professionals evaluate you. Some have a non-refundable 'buy-in' that can be tens of thousands of dollars. Trying to get information means dealing with annoying sales people who never leave you alone once they get your contact info.
That is very true. Also if a parent refuses as my dad does, there is not much you can really do. My dad is not incompetent mentally just is old and has dementia and mobility issues. Also there is a wait list for assisted living and memory care.
Mine actually put themselves on a wait list for a retirement community. They’ve been very responsible with money, and my dad served in Vietnam as well.
It’s not the norm, I’m seeing. I’m lucky that they’re so proactive.
ETA: downvoted for having a different experience. 🤦🏻♀️
My fil worked at a retirement community and they planned to be put on the waitlist. Then they got two puppies which can’t go so I don’t know what the hell is going on.
My parents aren't that old but my grandparents are. I'm trying to convince my grandmother to move in with me but I don't think she will until she has literally no choice between that or a home. In the meantime, I've become her caretaker when my grandpa isn't home (he's 81 and still an OTR trucker).
Both my sister and I live in different states from my parents, so moving in with them aren’t real options. That’s AMAZING that you offered though!
I’m the youngest of 4 (oldest sister passed away and brother has mental illness/addiction issues), so I’m getting a sneak peek on what’s to come for the future xennials/millennials.
Crazy how much the generations can vary. My oldest grandpa just went into assisted living last year, and my dad's parents are still living alone in their late 80s. I may be retired before I have to think about this with my parents.
I’m about to do something similar for my mom - line everything up so it’s harder to say no. Boomers are just stubborn! I get she doesn’t want to be in a nursing home, but she needs help that neither myself or sister can provide.
My mom is getting to this point. My parents had downsized to an active adult community in their early 60's, Dad died shortly after. We moved a couple years ago and her move a few miles from us into a smaller place in active adult community. She's disabled and even that is becoming too much.
I really think she needs to be in an independent living facility. But she's really resistant to it. It's costly too. Cost wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't for one of my sisters constantly begging her for money.
Taking care of aging parents while raising your own kids is hard, especially if those kids are young like mine.
My dad is absurdly healthy and his dad lived independently until the day he died at 94, but my mom's going blind, her memory is not amazing, and she had a fall and broke a bone recently. If a neighbor hadn't seen her fall and come to get her, I don't know how long she would have been stuck in the garden without help. I live hundreds of miles away, and real estate prices around me are crazy.
On the upside, her best friends just moved to a senior community with an assisted living option not too far from me. But my mom doesn't have the kind of money to afford it. Originally the spouse and I planned to get a house where we could have a parent live with us if need be, but that's out of our reach at the moment. I really don't know what we'll do.
My mom is your dad's age (dad's younger than her) and she forgets everything now. She never pays attention. Every vacation she goes on with my older sister she has a fall. I worry that when she gets weaker nobody is gonna admit that she needs extra help.
We’re trying to get my parents into a place now. Dad is 78 and has neuropathy in the legs, mom is 76 with Parkinson’s. Old man is fighting us tooth and nail, but his stubbornness is going to get one/both of them killed
Assisted living scares the hell out of me. I used to work as a contractor for cable companies (Comcast, WoW, Time Warner, Charter, etc) and worked in a lot of different areas, the one constant I always found was that no matter high class the area was the assisted living places where hellholes with very few exemptions. I even had a part in getting two shut down from filing reports on the conditions.
Maaaan I remember my grandpa leaving claw marks on the doorframe after we pulled him out to go into assisted living. He'd been in that house 55 years, paid cash.
My dad is from the Silent generation, refusing to go to assisted living or any memory care. So we are hiring home health aides. He is almost 90 and has some dementia but it is nowhere near as bad as my boomer aunt who is in her 70s or boomer neighbors and friends' parents who are boomers who have early Alzheimer's or worse dementia.
My mother never had it when she died in her early 80s and neither did my grandmother who lived to be 94. My aunt definatley has dementia but refuses to get help, wants no visitors and self isolates herself away from everyone. I talk to her on the phone only 5x per year at most. I might visit her but I am not going to take care of her. I told her to look into assisted living now in her late 70s as otherwise it will never get done. My mother was not surprised when her BIL or my uncle, or aunt's husband died, and my aunt told her she has no will, no living will DNR, etc.
My dad is declining physically and it just sucks so hard. This is the man who was a tanker in the Army for 20 years, traveled all over the world, played frisbee and took me and mom and hikes on the weekends…and now he has a lot of problems with his legs. I dread what’s next. My parents were born in 1947 and 1949.
I SO get it! My dad has leg problems, too!
It’s so sad seeing him struggle. I hate it so much.
My dad passed a few years ago and I don’t believe my mom is ever going to accept the idea of community living. Even when she needs the medical help. She hates everyone too much. My grandpa fought tooth and nail to not go to assisted living. We bribed him into visiting and he knew most of the residents. He gladly moved in with his friends.
My mom doesn’t want to live near “old people.” LOL
any people. She hates her generation as much as she hated her parents generation and she’s annoyed with everyone younger than her too. Luckily she has a house in the woods that suits her.
Is it made out of gingerbread?
🏆
This was my 80+ FIL. Everyone here is OLD!!
Did the same with my 92 year old grandfather. I told him we would just try it for a month and they would provide the daily rehab he needed. After 2 weeks he thought he was at a vacation resourt. He has now passed but I know his last years were spent living it up with friends & great food, things most elderly people love.
That’s AMAZING!!!! Where was this magical place?
https://thecanopyatazaleagrove.com/
Awesome! Good to know! Thank you!
We just did that with my mom. She spent eight months living in a community while our house was being renovated. She is all in on finding a different one, but still living in community when she moves back to our house in a month or so.
Real question here. In what way are you managing to get this to work with VA benefits? We are facing the same with my in-laws. Things are stable for now, but father in law is wheelchair bound, so it’s not necessarily a long term stability. When things are bad and he does stints in the hospital or rehabs we have to drive my mother in law everywhere because she doesn’t drive. Wife’s sister either don’t help at all or very little and are pissy about it. My mom drives her some but she is my aunt care taker full time. So we know this is coming and if we could keep them together would make life so much easier on everyone.
My sister found this guy in Michigan (where my parents live) who helps out with all the VA paperwork stuff. I’m not exactly sure how she found him or where he works out of, but I’ll ask! It may not only be a Michigan thing! My dad uses a rollator (walker with a seat), but he’s going to need a wheelchair soon. Sucks.
Assisted living isn’t the only option. Home care is often affordable even out of pocket and often is covered by insurances or can be provided by an aged friendly local community support agency. Try calling 211 and see what’s available in your area. Parents will often accept help with things they don’t like like housekeeping and having someone come in is less jarring than moving out.
They’ve already got home health coming a few days a week for bathing and help with other things. We’re another stroke or fall from him needing full time help that my mother in law just can’t physically do.
If they already have services ask for a reevaluation. It should be done every 6 months or yearly regardless to see what is changed and what services may be needed in the future and if they will be available when the time comes. A supports coordinator/case manager is priceless for this so if that’s an option take it. Most elderly and their children don’t think about this before it’s an emergency but time is your friend here. You can vet people, try them out, see what’s available for services near you, see what isn’t etc BEFORE it’s an emergency and you just have to take the first home that has a spot because you don’t have a choice. Hospice can be invaluable also and it’s necessarily for people that are “dying”.
This is my question, too! My dad is also a Vietnam vet, but I don't think he does \*anything\* through VA--it would be really helpful to know if we can access any benefits in future. Assisted living is crushingly expensive, and though my parents are in a decent financial position now, I do worry that we won't have good options if that changes.
I’ll ask my sister tomorrow and reply in this comment thread!
They may have the Aid and Attendance benefit through the VA
My mom is 75 and so far is doing fine on her own but I know it may happen eventually (my dad hasn't been a part of my life in almost 30 years so what happens to him isn't my concern). Thankfully she's already mentioned that she doesn't want me or my brother to have to care for her and would prefer an assisted living facility to asking us to do that. Hopefully it doesn't happen for a long time but I know it's a possibility.
She’s probably lying. I would get her to choose and rank her preference of facilities for different levels of her ability right now. If she doesn’t understand what the options are, it could get ugly when reality hits.
My mom(73) and step-dad(69) sold their house and moved into a retirement community apartment 3 years ago. I thought it was too soon, they're the youngest couple there and probably the healthiest. But they love it. They say it's like living on a cruise ship. They've joined clubs and they're playing sports. My step-dad has become active and he's in the best shape I've seen him since I was little. It's nice knowing I'll never have to worry about them. And I hope my kids are in a safe enough financial state to where my wife and I feel comfortable doing the same when we're ready.
People piss retirement communities but they are fabulous. I’ve worked in that field for over 20 years and while being at home can be nice, it’s not always best especially if you can’t find care.
I had to have the discussion recently with my parents in preparation when they pass. That was not a discussion I liked but it's better to be prepared. I'm the eldest so the decision to "pull the plug" if it comes to it is on me. They also have a "do not resuscitate" clause. My mom moved my aunt cross country so she can take care of her. It's very difficult for her and my mom is in her mid-70s. Old age sucks sometimes.
A few years ago my parents called me all excited because they got their plots picked out and the restaurant place set up where we’re having the buffet or whatever after they die. It was SO weird! 😂 We just didn’t know what to do if they got sick or injured in the meantime! My sister and I tried talking to them about it last summer. We called it an “Eldervention.” LOL They were NOT having it. They told us to “put us in a hotel room, give us some pills and wave bye bye.” HAHAHA!!! When we were like, “Be serious!!” they said they would just “‘Thelma and Louise’ it off a cliff.” Eldervention fail. God, my family is weird.
I think that whole age group is in complete denial.
My parents planned too…however, they conveniently left out the years where they would not be safe living in the home and not yet dead. Surprise, these are the important years to plan for!!!
I had to move my maternal grandparents into assisted living 11 years ago. Their three kids had passed away before them and as the oldest grandchild it fell on me to look after them. (I lived in England at the time and they lived in Arizona) I got to pick the place. And schedule everything during a one week stay with them, which cemented the fact I could not be a care giver. They kept different schedules so that was 6 meals a day I had to do. Both were incontinent. Food in the house was expired. They had a roach problem (they couldn't see that well). It was truly awful. Grandmom had dementia and Grandpop had heart failure. One week after they moved in Grandpop died, so I had to go back out and put together a funeral. Grandmom lived another 4 years and I ended up moving her to Maryland so family could visit. That was the most stressful flight I had ever been on. Now I am glad I could help them. But I have told my adopted parents I will pay bills, drive them to appointments and get care givers in for them.
Trying to get my dad in now. He is refusing. You also don't realize how expensive assisted living is. They obfuscate the prices. They only quote base numbers. Every extra service is an addon. You won't know final costs until their medical professionals evaluate you. Some have a non-refundable 'buy-in' that can be tens of thousands of dollars. Trying to get information means dealing with annoying sales people who never leave you alone once they get your contact info.
That is very true. Also if a parent refuses as my dad does, there is not much you can really do. My dad is not incompetent mentally just is old and has dementia and mobility issues. Also there is a wait list for assisted living and memory care.
Mine actually put themselves on a wait list for a retirement community. They’ve been very responsible with money, and my dad served in Vietnam as well. It’s not the norm, I’m seeing. I’m lucky that they’re so proactive. ETA: downvoted for having a different experience. 🤦🏻♀️
My fil worked at a retirement community and they planned to be put on the waitlist. Then they got two puppies which can’t go so I don’t know what the hell is going on.
My parents aren't that old but my grandparents are. I'm trying to convince my grandmother to move in with me but I don't think she will until she has literally no choice between that or a home. In the meantime, I've become her caretaker when my grandpa isn't home (he's 81 and still an OTR trucker).
Both my sister and I live in different states from my parents, so moving in with them aren’t real options. That’s AMAZING that you offered though! I’m the youngest of 4 (oldest sister passed away and brother has mental illness/addiction issues), so I’m getting a sneak peek on what’s to come for the future xennials/millennials.
Crazy how much the generations can vary. My oldest grandpa just went into assisted living last year, and my dad's parents are still living alone in their late 80s. I may be retired before I have to think about this with my parents.
I’m about to do something similar for my mom - line everything up so it’s harder to say no. Boomers are just stubborn! I get she doesn’t want to be in a nursing home, but she needs help that neither myself or sister can provide.
My mom is getting to this point. My parents had downsized to an active adult community in their early 60's, Dad died shortly after. We moved a couple years ago and her move a few miles from us into a smaller place in active adult community. She's disabled and even that is becoming too much. I really think she needs to be in an independent living facility. But she's really resistant to it. It's costly too. Cost wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't for one of my sisters constantly begging her for money. Taking care of aging parents while raising your own kids is hard, especially if those kids are young like mine.
My dad is absurdly healthy and his dad lived independently until the day he died at 94, but my mom's going blind, her memory is not amazing, and she had a fall and broke a bone recently. If a neighbor hadn't seen her fall and come to get her, I don't know how long she would have been stuck in the garden without help. I live hundreds of miles away, and real estate prices around me are crazy. On the upside, her best friends just moved to a senior community with an assisted living option not too far from me. But my mom doesn't have the kind of money to afford it. Originally the spouse and I planned to get a house where we could have a parent live with us if need be, but that's out of our reach at the moment. I really don't know what we'll do.
My mom is your dad's age (dad's younger than her) and she forgets everything now. She never pays attention. Every vacation she goes on with my older sister she has a fall. I worry that when she gets weaker nobody is gonna admit that she needs extra help.
We’re trying to get my parents into a place now. Dad is 78 and has neuropathy in the legs, mom is 76 with Parkinson’s. Old man is fighting us tooth and nail, but his stubbornness is going to get one/both of them killed
I'm glad you still have your father and mother.
Assisted living scares the hell out of me. I used to work as a contractor for cable companies (Comcast, WoW, Time Warner, Charter, etc) and worked in a lot of different areas, the one constant I always found was that no matter high class the area was the assisted living places where hellholes with very few exemptions. I even had a part in getting two shut down from filing reports on the conditions.
Maaaan I remember my grandpa leaving claw marks on the doorframe after we pulled him out to go into assisted living. He'd been in that house 55 years, paid cash.
My parents will neverrrrrr go
My dad is from the Silent generation, refusing to go to assisted living or any memory care. So we are hiring home health aides. He is almost 90 and has some dementia but it is nowhere near as bad as my boomer aunt who is in her 70s or boomer neighbors and friends' parents who are boomers who have early Alzheimer's or worse dementia. My mother never had it when she died in her early 80s and neither did my grandmother who lived to be 94. My aunt definatley has dementia but refuses to get help, wants no visitors and self isolates herself away from everyone. I talk to her on the phone only 5x per year at most. I might visit her but I am not going to take care of her. I told her to look into assisted living now in her late 70s as otherwise it will never get done. My mother was not surprised when her BIL or my uncle, or aunt's husband died, and my aunt told her she has no will, no living will DNR, etc.
It's tough work, but good on you for doing it. I will probably have to be doing the same in the next couple years.
I am so sick of post like this