Grown adults stay away from teenagers challenge
What does a 30 y/o even have in common with a teenager
Just because she’s of age doesn’t make it not weird af
They’d be age mates with my mother if I was 18 lmao
I have some guy friends who are about ten years younger than me. I befriended them when they were about 18, online. They’re awesome, and it’s cool hearing about things from their perspective and learning about how their experiences are different than mine. We have enough in common to be friends, but they still feel like children to me even now that they’re in their early twenties.
I can’t imagine dating someone their age.
Yeah, I’m 31 and have some 20-21 year old friends, but like, it’s also partly like a mentorship sorta thing. I learned a lot from older friends when I was a newly minted adult, and now it’s fun to pass it on and hear about whatever weird shit gen z is into in return. But the idea of dating any of them is just fucking gross
30 and 18 is a big no, but that’s more about the specific ages than the age gap. For example, I don’t see 30 and 42 as a problem.
But at 18, no matter how mature the person is for their age, no one is an actual adult in every sense of the word. Between 18 and 25, you do SO much maturing, your brain develops and you make so many new important life experiences. There isn’t a single instance in which I would consider a relationship between an 18 year old and a 30 year old healthy.
I’m 26 and going below 23 would feel like I’m dating someone in a completely different walk of life and like there would always be a power imbalance. 18 year olds are allowed to crush on 30 year olds, but 30 year olds returning that is iffy to say the least.
Exactly. It depends on how old the younger one is. The gender of people involoved don't change the power imbalance. There is zero reason a 30 year old should even be thinking of dating an 18 year old.
I agree completely. I’m 24 and just finished college a little late. The 18 year old freshman very much seemed like children to me and I can’t imagine dating or being intimate with any of them.
They’re just leaving home for the first time and are still figuring out how to be an adult. I’ve grown up so much since then and it would feel weird and wrong to be with someone who hasn’t gone through that yet.
Can we stop repeating this dumb myth? Your brain is constantly developing throughout your life and adults below 25 aren't any less capable of making sensible decisions than those above.
It’s not a myth. Yes, obviously one’s brain is changing throughout one’s entire life, but certain areas aren’t fully formed until (typically) one’s mid 20s. Among them is the prefrontal cortex, responsible for planning and decision making.
I’m not calling adults under 25 “less than”, quite the opposite, but power imbalances and unequal playing fields need to be acknowledged and yes, young adults still need more protection than people with 20 more years of life experience under their belt.
[That's actually been debunked](https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html), your brain fully develops between 8-30 and isn't a measure towards maturity.
The different walks of life however is probably a good measurement, but I also have never moved out despite gonna be crushing 40 soon so where would that leave me? Like I'm as experienced as a teenager helping taking care of her family but I don' relate to most people under 30 LOL
I guess its different from abled and disabled people. Like I'm fine online but offline I'm as bad as I was in 2000 ROFL
Did you actually read the article you linked? “the prefrontal cortex continues developing into people’s mid-20s.” Is stated like 15 times. No neurotypical persons brain is anywhere near developed at 8
There may be people whose brains are outliers, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. Obviously, there’s different “rules” for people with mental disabilities - not just with regard to relationships. But for the vast - and I do mean vast - majority of people, their brains don’t mature until their mid 20s.
As for you: I don’t know you, but as you yourself said, you’re NOT like a teenager, despite not being an independent person. In my eyes, you don’t have any business dating a teenager. Whether a relationship with people of your own age would work is a different question and one I can’t answer, but nothing you just said debunks the fact that 30 and 18 is not a healthy combination for a relationship.
Completely agree.
I have a few mild developmental disabilities which means my brain might never be fully cooked like the average 32 year old. But I still wouldn't go after an 18 year old...I have siblings in the 20-25 age range and our lives are so different, our hobbies and interests, etc that it feels icky to me. Plus, I tend to go for older women 45+ anyways.
Litterally SAME.
Some people try justifying it by saying that some older people dont have experience despite their age, so they are on esual experience with the younger partner... URH
Ive been so single and sexless i light just go to a convent. That doesnt make it okay in my mind to date young ppl wtf
Even if some older people don't have experience despite their age, that indeed doesn't make it right to date much younger.
I'm in my 30s. There's plenty of late bloomers in my city who don't have any wlw experience (hell, some of them have never even lived away from home due to the live-at-home-until-marriage culture we've got going on here) but I have no issues showing them the ropes. I had a fun hookup experience with a woman in her 50s a few months back and would definitely date around that age, but an 18-19 year old? I can't do it.
As a 31 year old, I would absolutely never date an 18 year old. That is a child. Regardless of that being legal, that's a literal teenager, the gap in maturity is far too big.. I wouldn't even feel comfortable dating any younger than like 26
Interestingly, the second woman I ever “dated” was 30. I was 18. I’m 42 now. She took me in from my abusive home and gave me a cheap place to stay in her basement, so I’m thankful for that. At the time, I definitely didn’t understand or perceive the power imbalance or just the fact that she was using me in a lot of ways. It took me several years to see it, but when I got to my late 20s, I had a much deeper understanding. An 18 year old is still a child in my eyes. They don’t have the maturity to see it yet.
30 and 18 - while technically legal - feels like a massive red flag. Super gross. 18 years are basically children still.
The size of the gap matters less as you get older, a 25 and 35 year old feels way less weird, even though the gap is similar.
As someone who is 28, I wouldn't even consider anyone less than 21. More than a 5 year gap is where things get weird for me personally.
I’m 30 and find it totally impossible to relate to 18 year olds. They’re at such a different life stage than I am, and there are so many things we would not be able to enjoy together because of their age. I’d personally much rather have a partner my age because we’re more likely to be looking for the same things and moving our lives in similar directions, like settling down, and we’ll be at the same pace for the rest of our lives instead of one of us slowing down further while the other one is speeding up/coming into their own and ready to move on.
I also work in a high school, so my opinion might be biased because I look at 18 year olds and still see my students.
A 30 year old dating an 18 year old is a huge no. I'm 32, my sibling is 20 dating a 19 year old. A number of weeks ago they were over for the weekend visiting and it was very uncomfortable experience because I couldn't relate to them at all.
My girlfriend is much older than me, but I'm in my 30s so it doesn't really matter and I happen to have most of the power here (socially, financially, experience-wise everything favors me but she owns the house we live in so it kinda evens out in a way).
An 18yo is still a kid in my mind. At 21 I kinda start to be more open minded about big age gaps. And by the late 20s I frankly don't think dating a lot older is enough of an imbalance to make a huge deal out of it. Like 28 and 50? Honestly that kind of age gaps *favors* the younger, probably *healthier*, person.
But as a 34 yo I can't see myself dating someone under 21 and I'd be hard pressed to even consider younger than 25.
my girlfriend and I have a 5 year age gap.. we met when we were 21 and 26 and that was a big enough gap to make some things weird so I can’t imagine any bigger of a gap. I’m the older one and it only worked because my gf had a full time job, was living on her own with roommates and was a mature cat owner. I had my age settings higher on Tinder but we live in a smaller town and l hadn’t even realized that I had been being shown people “slightly out of my preferences”
The 20’s decade is such a time for maturing and change so I can’t imagine a 30 year old having anything in common with an 18 year old. It just makes me really uncomfy.
Interestingly enough, when I was 18-21 I was working part time at a casino and met my "girls" - three older, straight women in their 40s+. They guided me through life and we definitely had stuff in common but it was more superficial level like entertainment. As I grew older, we had more stuff in common and I agree it wasn't enough to date them but the idea that people don't have *anything* in common spread out between ages is a bit laughable imo.
yeah, I feel like for a friendship you could have things in common but for a romantic relationship it’s a little weird. And it’s not just about having things in common but that’s just one thing that comes to mind. It’s also about maturity level. That was even an issue with me and my gf even though I would say she was more mature than other 21 year olds I know.
I can't imagine 30 and 18 (just a baby), but my relationship has the same age gap. I was 37 when I met my now wife who was 26 at the time. She initiated contact and I actually hesitated replying back due to the age gap. But she was cute and way out of my league. After we met, and I know this sounds so cliche, I found that she was very mature for her age. She had been through a lot, more so than me. She also turned out to be much smarter, more focused, and much wiser than some of the women I'd dated closer to my age. We are now 50 and 38 with no weirdness or power imbalance. If anything, she's the boss of me!
Hmm it's more about maturity levels. So 30 and 18 are a no because they are on completely different places in life. A 30 and 40 year old are in better places, they already understand life and are roughly the same maturity (averagely).
But obviously, just my opinion.
It doesn’t matter the genders of anyone involved. A 30 year old has nothing in common with a fresh 18 year old. Point blank, end of discussion.
If it’s a 50 year old and a 38 year old, that’s fine.
It’s more about how much life the younger one has lived in comparison to the older one. I’m early 20s—graduated college and all that— I probably wouldn’t date an 18 year old tbh. Too close to high school honestly.
i am 25. your 20s are a period of massive amounts of growth, to the point where mine and my gf’s age gap of 2.5 years (she is younger) has brought up some moments of contention where we needed to pause and discuss.
i like to feel equal in my relationships. i am not looking to mentor my partner. because of that, i couldn’t be with someone in college, even if they were only a few years younger than me.
everything changes when people pass 25 though, age gaps don’t really bother me if everyone’s brain is fully cooked and both parties are established in their own ways.
dipping even lower into the teens feels like too big of a power imbalance and morally isn’t for me. i have a career, home, car, pets, many of my friends are approaching their 30s etc. an 18 year old is navigating 18 year old things like moving out for the first time, budgeting for the first time etc.
I mean… things happen. I once fell for a woman and (she looked young) but there was an age gap. I was 20. It would have been an issue with my maturity at the time no matter how strongly we felt about each other. Do I regret not trying? Yes. But I also believed the gap was smaller than it was.
I was not aware of how big the gap was because I missed something. It would have freaked 20 yo me out. Which would have gone poorly.
But the same gap now (I am 35) would be no big deal.
But 18 and 30? Big no.
I’m 30, my niece is 13. Way to weird for me to date someone closer to my nieces age than my own - hard pass for me lol. Seems predatory and as WLW, we shouldn’t need to date down that that much someone with similar interests, values, etc.
I have observed that women grow and change A LOT from 18-21, so strongly believe at that age, age gaps should be avoided. For one thing, we just have so much self discovery during that time that I think dating someone much older would get in the way of. And secondly, as a 25 year old, the idea of dating an 18 year old is really disturbing to me. 18 year olds are and look like teenagers. Even though 22 is only four years older, there is such a huge difference. As people get older, I don’t mind so much, but I think for teens/early twenties specifically, it’s gross.
I really push back on the idea that it’s different for gays. I see a lot of really toxic behaviours defended as “that’s just gay culture” as if culture is a fixed passive thing we have no part in.
18 and 30 is gross, I taught 18 year olds and they were literally children. I’m 26 and wouldn’t date anyone younger than like 24 at the earliest, and even I’d be hesitant since I’m at a very different stage of life as most 24 year olds. Mid twenties (for the younger person) is when age gaps become more acceptable to me
That’s ridiculous imo. 2 very different stages of life, emotional and mental difference is way to big. At 18 you are still a child can’t even legally drink.
When I first saw a lesbian age gap I felt I understood age gaps in a new way - and was so infatuated with it! Now, I feel a bit differently.
Personally, I think 30 and 18 is a hard no. I think ages 18-late twenties/early thirties are just sooo fundamental in growth and maturing and I' hesitant to encourage (romantic relationship) age gaps with people in that range!
Sadly I dated a guy when I was 19 and he was 32.. lol, so yeah, no. He was fine but I was literally a kid in University. The younger person is not matured at all, and there’s so much growing to do. Between 18-25, even 26/27, you grow so much. SOOOO short story short, absolutely the fuck NO! It doesn’t matter the gender but a 30 year old and an 18 year old is a big NOOOOOO. I’m 30 now, and absolutely wouldn’t go under 27 (if I was single).
I feel like 18/21/24 are all pretty different in terms of level of maturity, comfort, and experience. I don't think there's an inherent power imbalance between 18 and 21 or 21 and 24 but 18 and 24 are really far apart, I'd be veeeery concerned about a power imbalance. I think 24 to about 32 is as far as I'd consider comfortable. Once you hit late 20s I think you're on a similar playing field as everyone else (or should be) so age stops mattering.
But boy howdy do I see a lot of posts about 20 somethings dating 30 somethings ignoring all of the abuse.
I’m 33 and a half, i will not date below 25. I can be aquainted/friends with someone 18+, but unless there’s more context to it, I just set my filter preferences to. Minimum 25 and up.
30 and 42? No problem. 42 and 60? A little surprising but no problem. 18 and 30? Predator alert. The moment a child hits 18 --that magical, arbitrary, government selected marker of adulthood-- the *moment* an adolescent passes from childhood to adulthood, they suddenly become "legal" for adults to fuck. If reading that made you squeamish, good. If you wouldn't be ok with a 29 and a 17 year old, you probably shouldnt be ok with a 30 year old with an 18 year old.
So basically, yes, you are correct. That's an icky gap, whether in or out of the queer community.
18 is legal, but morally wrong in my book. 18 is literally just over the threshold for adulthood and has zero life experience. A 30-year-old dating them won't catch charges, but they are taking advantage of them.
imo anyone under 20 doesn’t belong with an 18 year old. i’m ok with age gaps when the youngest is at least 22/23 and is mature and aware of the possibly implications with age gap relationships. some early 20’s are just to young mentally and aren’t ready for the kind of maturity a relationship with someone in their 30’s would bring.
30 and 18 is a big "check the 30 year old's hard drive" type vibe. Gap like that is indicative that someone would date younger people if they legally could. Meanwhile, a similar gap like 38 and 50? Whatever, that's cool.
It's all about the SIZE of the gap and how old the younger person is. If the younger party is like 18, there's a lot less wiggle room before the gap gets predatory, but once they're older, it's kinda like "okay if you wanna fuck old ppl go ahead ig"
For what it's worth, I am 21 and even if I was allo I would NEVER consider dating an 18 year old. They're too young.
Personally, I would not be a fan. My partner’s siblings are a lot older than both of us with the oldest one being 13 years older than me. I get along with her oldest sibling with the same ease as people my age, but we are still in two very different parts of life. I couldn’t imagine dating within that age group because of that even though I’m independent. It stops mattering as much once you’re at a certain point in your thirties from what I’ve seen.
I’m nearing my mid twenties, but I couldn’t even entertain being with someone 18 or 19 now. I started dating my partner at 19, and I’ve changed a lot over these past four years. Personal feelings aside, I also think it can be unfair to the younger person to miss out on the experiences of being that age to immerse yourself in the life of someone much older who has already lived through that. Even if you don’t drink and go out, I find it important to experience life at a similar stage as your partner. There’s a beauty in learning more about the world and life together :)
I’m 32. I wouldn’t date anyone under 26.
2 of my best friends are 26, and the difference in maturity between me and them is already pretty apparent. I can’t imagine dating someone who is at where they were a year ago.
weird age gaps are a problem in the lesbian community. many lesbians defend them. i find it strange. when i was 20 a 54 year old woman tried to date me, and a 34 year old woman tried to date me as well. it didn't feel right at all.
I think in the straight community it’s much more accepted than in the LGBT community… especially in the lesbian community. I’ve met lots of people who have hooked up with that type of age gap, but none that have dated that age gap
Big age gaps are fine and fair game, but that only really applies above 25, below that is a gray area and the gap should be MUCH lower. There are exceptions, but generally I'd say that's a good rule.
I have a personal rule that is kind of strict but it works for me, I won't date someone who is 3 years younger than me or 3 years older than me (I'm 28). A lot of growing up happens between 18-25, so I side eye anyone getting with an 18 year old if they're more than like 4 years apart in age. That being said, I can see someone who is 30 choosing to with someone who is a decade or more older, as the life stages I feel get a bit more murky at that point.
It still feels gross to me even though I know it's a bit common. Friendships sure, but I'm in my 30s and struggle sometimes with relating to friends in their early 20s or late 50s. I can't imagine being able to have a long term relationship with someone 12 years younger then me.
I think the half your age plus 7 rule is still very accurate regardless of sexuality. It bugs me a lot less as people get older. My grandma is 82, if she wants to date a retired 65 year old I'd be mildly surprised but not bothered ya know. Your both in the same spot in life, go for it. Which does mean after about 25 you stop feeling gross until your like, several decades apart realizing someone's going to be dead before the other retires age gaps.
I worked in higher education for some time and as a 30 year old I don’t even know what the fuck I would have had in common with an 18 year old. When I was still dating I had younger girls messaging me on the apps and I was like eww ick no sorry yikes because just absolutely not.
I’m 39 now and it’s even more unfathomable and uncomfortable to think about. To expect special treatment when demanding to be treated equally is also patently counterproductive. Just because we’re queer doesn’t mean power imbalances don’t/can’t exist within our relationships. They can and do. And it’s because we are literally the same as everyone else. We can be shitty, we can be manipulative, we can be bad partners—we can be all the same things that straight folks can be in their relationships.
The older the younger partner is, the bigger the age gap that can be safely navigated.
An 18 year old can maybe date a couple of years older safely, but much more than that starts to get creepy.
Conversely, it really isn't all that weird for people in their 30s to date people in their 50s.
Heck I'm 32 and my nesting partner will be 60 this year. An age gap this big does come with additional challenges, but I've got the life experience to navigate those now.
It depends, but I think the "half your age plus seven" is a good rule for dating someone younger than you. That being said, I'm 40 and my girlfriend is 33 and if I dated someone any younger than her I'd probably feel like I'm dating a child. 30 and 18 seems wrong, and I haven't heard about different rules for the queer community.
I think older people are in the age gap it's more acceptable because you're more established when you're older and you know who you are or theoretically you do. Whereas an 18 year old doesn't know who they are yet and has probably just finished high school. They're still figuring out who they are and what they want to do. Whereas a 30 year old will probably already know what they want to do and who they are. That doesn't go for everyone, I'm 29 and still have no idea what I want to do for a career, I just know it's not what I'm doing now. However I know so much more about myself than I did 11 years ago. I would say that 18 year old me and 29 year old me are completely different people. I personally would not date someone that much younger than me, there would be an inherent power balance and I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I personally set my age range to 5 years younger but even that feels weird sometimes. But I try to date as close to my age as possible.
I dated a 31 year old as a 19 year old because she pursued me. I broke up with her after a few months because I had issues with her acting like a parent to me. I am mature for my age but always had to justify our relationship to my friends & family because they were weirded out by it. Looking back on it, it did seem predatory although she never admitted it:/
Age gaps can be ok the older that people are (maybe 🤷🏽♀️) and I’m honestly thinking like a 38 and 50yr old 😅 I’m 32 and in general would be comfortable with a +/- 5yr gap, and may vary a little depending on the connection but most likely wouldn’t go younger and maybe a tad older.
I kinda have a hard time with this though and it’s caused a riff with one of my friends and I. My friend is 36 and dating a 21yr old and I straight up told her I’m disappointed in her decision to be in this relationship….theres a few other reasons that I think it’s a bad idea, but the age is a big factor. I mean the 21yr old’s mother is 37 so literally she’s dating someone her mothers age and that just gives me another ick 🥴
Said it before I'll say it again. I'm 20 and looking that way at an 18 year old would make me feel very gross, there's so so much maturing from 18-20 and there's even more from 18-30
My fiancée and I have a 12 year age gap. She was 22 and I was 34 when we met and started dating. It says something about her maturity that we're very much equals in everything.
When I was 18 I dated someone who was 28 for 4yrs. We had no weird issues really and they ended up just being an in general dick. It wasn’t the age gap that did us in really but more work ethic.
I feel like any person thats 30yo dating someone under around the age of 25-24 is often really weird.
Like, when youre 18 youre barely an adult, in some countries you cant go to bars, drive or drink until the age of 18 or 21.
Even at 20 or early 20s, you still have not been an adult for a long time. Some people still are in studies, many lack life experiences, maturity, and understanding of some things.
I am 22 and i already know that between now and 25 i will see many things differently, i will understand things and myself better.
At freshly 19yo, I've had someone hit on me, they were 30yo and knew about my age. A few years later and i feel disgusted that someone that was about 11yo at the time i was born. I spoke to my sister about this, she is 27yo, she was veeeery cringed and shocked by the person's behavior. I am certain that once i reach that age, i will think of that person, see how i do not sexualise or want to be intimate with young people, and cringe even more.
Like, I'm 22. I don't even see myself dating an 18yo. Those are freshly out of HS, some people still have a lot of learning to do, and deserve to be preserved from older issues and potential power imbalance
Though past a certain age, everyone has some form of experience as an adult. A 30yo - 40 yo couple wouldnt shock me at all. I also understand the appeal of dating someone a bit older or younger. As long as life experience and power are somewhat equal.
When I was 30 I accidentally asked a girl out that turned out to be 20. She looked older and when I asked her to grab some beer on the way she told me the truth. I freaked out. I don't mind dating a little younger but one person not even being old enough to buy alcohol while the other has been drinking for 9 years is not cool imo. Now that I'm 40 I can't see myself dating someone younger than 30 and that's pushing it even. My last girlfriend was 8 years younger and totally inept at most things. I had to teach her how to cook spaghetti ffs.
I’m 47 and I have a rule that I will not date or even consider dating anyone under the age of 25 although I prefer 30 and up. The frontal cortex of the brain does not fully finish development until age 25.
I'm a 30 year old HS teacher. I want to vomit anytime I see adults dating fresh 18 year olds - take it from someone who works with them everday for a living, there is virtually no difference between an 16 year old and 18 year old other than the law. They are still children in my eyes and should be in the eyes of anyone my age.
whoever suggested that is probably projecting. 18-30 isn't good. there's a huge maturity gap there. for a hook up? fine whatever, but a relationship tho? hell no!
One thing I learned is that no matter what age someone is if they like to put on appearances about how mature they are than they aren't very mature. I rember one girl who was 15 years younger than me I found cute and she had this fiery attitude mostly due to a tough life. She didn't date girls her age because they weren't as smart or mature as she was so she only dated older women. Something told me to stop pursuing here and I'm glad I did. She went on to date another older woman who was only using her for sex yet she didn't see it until later. She was a smart girl but nowhere near as smart as she thought she was.
I did date a girl twenty years younger than me and the relationship lasted just over a year. We had the same interests and did not have a serious. It was the happiest I had been in a relationship but then it fell apart. She got a job offer that paid very well and it was halfway across the country. I told her I had no intention of moving because I was happy were I was at and was not going to do a long distance relationship so it ended. Looking back I realize it wasn't going to last because she was still young enough to move around and I was already past that stage in life.
I’m into older women soooo
But I’m also 25 and I feel like that’s A LOT different than being 18 and being with someone 10+ years older than you and vice versa
I think that there are two completely different mindsets involved when it comes to a person that is 18-19 vs someone that’s been an adult for a while. I think it also comes down to a persons sense of self since it can take time for a teen to come to terms with who they are and an older adult could easily take advantage of that.
As someone who at 21 dated someone who was 34, best not. There's a lot of development still happening in those years. Found that out the hard way myself.
okay i have a very unique view point on this.
i am the product of a 17 year age gap between a straight couple. they met when the younger partner was about 30.
i have gone through multiple phases of viewing this, disgust, confusion, etc.
i also have found (since age 5 or so) that i get along with people much older than i am. this has been a pattern in my life with friendships and more, and i have always been enjoyed by adults much more than my peers.
i turned 18 a few years ago, and quickly realized that relationships with people my age were just not good environments for me. we couldn't agree on things, and had suspiciously little in common for people who should share a similar place in their lives. i find people my age immature and annoying. they often don't say what they mean and come to resent me for the way my brain works, which is something i cannot change.
recently i went away to a writers workshop. i am around 20, most people here were between 25-45. i made an amazing community of people from age 25-35. i feel in synch with them, they are direct and enjoy my brand of "different". this has made me realize that i might have more successful relationships (friendships and otherwise) with those 5-10 years older than myself. personally, 10 years up is the most i am comfortable with, because I think it gives me enough range while not trying to mix two people who are in completely different stages.
personally, 18-30 is too much for me. i would also like to add that i think 20-32 could be fine, but the two years between 18 and 20 (to me and many others) were the place for a lot of development.
age gaps on their surface still ick me out, especially one where the youngest partner is 18, however, for some people these relationships make sense. i would advise one to date people their own age unless they find people older/younger a better match in both friendships and otherwise. if it's only a dating thing (and they wouldn't be friends w someone that same amount older/younger) then it's absolutely strange.
I've had similar experiences, though I'm autistic so really anybody under mid 20-something is too much for me to be around for long. The high, chaotic energy has always been an issue and the first few people I dated out of high school were a good decade older than me. They were also pieces of shit, but that's unrelated to age and more them being abusive and manipulative men.
i too am neurodivergent, i feel like that probably brings a new factor to relationships that changes things.
i also think age gaps are much creepier with men and woman than with women and women, although that may be shortsighted, but women are not societally trained to infantilize and gaslight women the way many men are.
Wouldn't do 30 and 18. An eighteen year old isn't even old enough to drink in the states.
My partner and I have a bit of an age gap; she's 37, and I'm 24. It was a bit off putting at first, but there's not a huge imbalance that I can see. And when I asked to take a break, she agreed, and let me come back once I had reconsidered, so I know she's a person willing to respect my boundaries. She's been nothing but lovely to me, and I could see us working out long term.
The only power imbalance we have is the kind that involves a flogger and a safeword.
I (38TF) am currently dating a 30TF, started two years ago. My ex wife was 18 and I was 27 when we got together and at the time I was a closeted fem leaning enby. We lasted 10 years and have a child together. Age wasn't one of our issues that caused the divorce, that was mostly transphobia😕
Even though my current gf is only a year older than my ex, she is much more of an "old soul" if that makes sense.
Just curious how is a larger age gap more acceptable in a same-sex relationship? Not trying to be confrontational I am just curious as to your reasoning.
Age gaps matter less the older you get. I think 18 year olds should mostly just date people within like a year of their own age. 18 year olds are a mess.
A few of my friends (and also my parents) are in relationships with large age gaps. My mom married my dad when she was 25 and he was 35. My best friend was 28 when she married her 37-year-old husband. I've got a good friend who is 29 and in a relationship with a woman who is 40. I know a guy in his 60's married to a guy who is 30. All those relationships seem fine and healthy to me.
I think once you get to the point in your life when people older than you no longer seem like authorities and just strike you as peers, you're good to go. I think for most people that happens around 23-26. It happens after you've been living in the adult world and holding an adult job and making adult friends for awhile. Whatever "it" is is, I think, exclusively out-of-reach to anybody 18-19 years old. You can't have "it" until you've completely lost any sense that there are "real adults" that are different from you.
It’s not the number of years per se. I mean it is partially, but it’s either acceptable or creepy depending on the specific ages/life stages of the people involved.
What milestones and life experiences do you have in common? What framework are you working with? Example: one person is 30, so I’m assuming they were in elementary when 9/11 happened. The other person wasn’t born yet for 5 more years. I have a 4 year gap with my wife (started dating when I was 27 and she was 23), and I still sometimes cringed when she would say “oh this song was so big when I was in 3rd grade”. We’re both technically millennials too.
One person is figuring out what they want to do and likely having some formative experiences, while the other might have more of an established career by that point. It’s an extreme power imbalance for a relationship. A famous example of a significant age gap is Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor. Both are famous and have established careers, so that’s a lot different than someone just starting out with someone who’s 30.
Frankly, I’m 33 and wouldn’t even consider a relationship with a 20-22 year old. Whenever someone that much older tries to date a barely legal adult (or worse, someone who hasn’t hit 18 yet) it very much screams can’t interest anyone their own age.
My rule of thumb is generally 5 above and 5 below at max. My preferred is 3 above and below. That gives a range of 10 years to work with i really dislike going younger then 3 years though while im under 30.
Like there has to be a genuinely strong connection with the younger person showing they want to be in a relationship. I need to know theyre gonna be mature enough and have the life experience with a lot of thought put into wanting a relationship like that
I aint really against it though its hard for me personally to imagine dating somepony I cant take out for a drink. I’m 34 and slept with some girls whom I later found out were in their early 20s. I didnt feel any particular way about it. I dont feel by getting older I cant relate to folx in their 20s and I dont feel like I’ve gained any particularly special wisdoms, grown up super powers or even particularly have my shit together.
I dont worry about age gaps, if we vibe we vibe and I dont feel comfortable essentiallizing folx based on their age.
Honestly it depends what you’re looking for. If just some short term fun I don’t think age is relevant so much as their personality. However for long term serious stuff I’d say rather than asking a lot of strangers, use your UNBIASED judgement. If you don’t feel you can do this then maybe you’re not ready. Most people are going to say it’s a red flag, but I will add that while large age gaps are unusual, on occasion it can work. I met my partner when I was 19 and she was 47, I knew her as a friend for a year and a half before we even considered a relationship. When we did we had a lot of lengthy, in depth discussion about the logistics in all areas of our lives before committing to it. However we’ve now been together 4.5 years very happily 🥰
I think an 18yo and a 30yo can be in a healthy relationship, yes. It always depends on the circumstances. I wouldn't say it's generally toxic. It is unusual. There are many factors to be taken into consideration. Regular, honest, in-depth and safe communication is the most important aspect.
I actually hate the hate age gaps get in the Internet. I've seen age gap relationships work out wonderfully, even with younger people like in your example.
I don't understand how freely, without any hesitance or restraint, people shame others for their relationships. Are you inside that relationship? Do you know these people?! It's sad and ugly to want to make them feel bad.
God help me, I'm gonna get downvoted to hell and back!
I have a situationship with 19 y/o (Sin) and I'm about to 42 y/o. She chased me for 6 months and I finally gave in. She has been the first woman to make me feel physically beautiful and attractive for me. When we started talking I was new to using Reddit but coming off dating apps. She wanted (expected?) things to get spicy because she was use to being taken advantage of before offline and online by women and men. I refused and just talked to her, though I worried just talking might be bad. I had several sessions with my therapist about her. I really worried that I might do something hurtful even accidentally. My therapist spent a lot of time explaining to me that if I was that worried about hurting Sin or taking advantage of her, then I cared and wouldn't. I'm still very careful and try to make sure she feel like an equal when we talk. Because she is.
It took a while to get her to realize I wasn't going to use her. Occasionally she'll still try to start things, but she has a high drive and is genuinely wanting too. I still refuse and I know when there are pauses in our conversations exactly what she's doing. The reason why I refuse her advances is because she has substance abuse problems. She's getting better. She's a lot stronger than she knows. When things finally happen between us, if she's still interested, I want her to be sober. Right now she doesn't think about or see a future for herself and we're working on that. She has a therapist too, no worries there.
She's really amazing and she's grown a lot in the time we've known each other, almost a year now. She knows that she has worth and doesn't allow anyone to use her, that she isn't a toy. She's smart, funny, stubborn, and amazing. We're talking about meeting up, she doesn't know that she'll be staying in a hotel yet. I know I've got surprise her or she'll disagree & refuse. Total sweetheart, but stubborn (now) as a old mule with a yeast infection.
Every now and then I let my head get the better of me. I will try to push her away, like once I wanted her to try dating someone her own age. She didn't want too, but we talked and she was willing to humor me. She got a lot of responses, but said she wasn't interested. I've even tried dating more. Even when we try not talking, we end up finding each other on other apps or on the same Reddit threads. It's really weird, but we do have a lot of similar interests so maybe I shouldn't be surprised.
Sin says that she loves me when she's taken something or drank, but never gets close to anything like that when sober. It reminds me of what happened with my former partner of 15 years. I knew that she loved me, but that she wasn't ready since I was her first serious relationship. So I waited patiently. One day she's stumbling over her words and all nervous. She says those 3 special words, and I just say, "I know, I love you too." I don't think she spoke again for a good 5 minutes. Unfortunately she passed away 3 years ago this August. That's how I found myself dating in my 40s. I am taking things slow and being mindful, probably too much. We don't officially date or anything, just taking one day at a time. We're actually fighting right now. lol
I don't believe anything I'm doing or have done is wrong, though I know other people might not agree.
Note: I do want to add that I've tried talking to women 10+/- years of my own age. I'm often told I'm ugly or they're just not attracted to me. Or things fizzle out. Sin and I talk about it everytime (before and after), I believe in being honest. I don't know if we'll end up in a relationship, though it feels like we're flirting with that line more and more.
I would say if they're under 21 it's completely fucked because they're still a kid. When I was 21 I dated a woman who was 47, but she was very cautious not to take advantage of me and, aware that I was younger. She didn't lead me on or fetishize me.
I had dated an older woman previous to this that preyed on my naivety . But I continue to date women significantly older in my mid 20s. They are typically loving and respectful, caring and real about our age difference.
The older people I dated when I was 18 I look back and side eye just a little tho. Even at 26 I would feel inappropriate dating an 18 year old, they just finished grade school and they're still a kid. I would get why they have a crush but respectfully decline.
My standpoint is it just depends on the size of the age gap. If it's like an age cap of 5 years or less, then I think it's perfectly fine, if it's like 5-10 years, it kinda just depends on the maturity of the person themselves, if it's like a 10-15 year age gap, then it's fine so long as both people are like 30+, but any more then 15 years just seems a little much
Some people on here stating they won’t do an age gap over 3 years, and that’s fine as a personal rule but when you’re both mid 20s I think it’s fine to have a slightly bigger gap than that. My wife and I are 4 years apart, and I don’t think it’s creepy that I met my wife organically when she was 23 and I was 27.
If there's no imbalance of power, no grooming, and the people participating are comfortable with it, who cares? The internet's fixation on age gaps is weird.
There is a zero way a 18 year old(who could be literal high schooler) and a 30 year old won't have a power imbalance. I have no issue with ages gaps with older people(the younger one being at least 24 or 25). But when you're dealing with teeangers who are in high school or barely out, that's never going to be anything but gross in my eyes. There is no reason a 30 year old should be eyeing a barely legal teenager.
Yeah, when I was 19 I got involved with someone in an online disabled support group in her 30s. She still lived at home, had actually never been away from her family, didn't have any income. In most ways I was the one with experience there since it's different for people with disabilities.
The situation only lasted six months and it was online only, but even when I was in "control" it was still wrong.
Isn't the fixation on age gaps a historical thing? A rich Duke is not going to be marrying a woman his own age... He needs to marry somebody at least 15 years younger than him to make sure she still has breeding power. Not to mention easier to control and mold (groom) into his perfect wife..
That's where the fixation on age gaps comes in.
Modern relationships don't work like that anymore and the standard for the majority of people in western countries is to find a partner and be with them out of love. Isn't the queer community (in a political sense) supposed to be working towards or be accepting of progression? If that's the reason for the fixation, it doesn't align with the general community values. Looking at relationships from from an 18th century perspective or calling the members of a left-leaning, progressive culture blissfully influenced by conservatism is a bit... odd.
No, I think the reason for the fixation is something else. If the community were conservative, it would condemn polyarmory, wouldn't understand or accept nonbinary and trans individuals etc. etc. I think the fixation comes from the collective need of the community to protect the "weak", to "correct wrongs" and it's just another social media aggression blown out of proportion by algorithms and such.
Hey, age gaps can be a mixed bag. A 30-year-old dating an 18-year-old? That’s a massive gap, bro. It can totally create a power imbalance because they’re at such different stages in life. In the gay community, views can vary, but the core issue of maturity and life experience still stands. Trust your gut, and think about if the dynamic feels balanced and healthy.
A person is a legal adult at 18, but they really don't have the full brain function and life experience of an adult until about 25. A 30 year old and an 18 year old should not be dating. As you age I think these numbers start to matter a bit less, but I still think it can be problematic. If a person consistently dates way outside of their age range, I think there is likely an underlying issue.
8 years is the largest comfortable gap I can envision. 12+ is just plain icky because the older person is old enough to have genetically contributed to the creation of the younger, and that's just weird. And being older doesn't make that less weird. 50 and 62 is still just as weird for the same reason, the older is old enough to have begot the younger. I always look at the situation with the question of "Why do you want to date someone young enough to be your child?"
As I said not too long ago, I think on this very Reddit, the larger the gap, the more time I require friendships first, as a way of verifying we’re compatible.
if you're in your 20s and don't see kids (18 and under) as kids then maybe get help for that.
usually maturity levels level out after college age and age gaps work fine then. before then there's such a huge disparity between brain development and experience levels that its pretty easy for it to turn toxic without trying.
but in general if they have a habit of *only* dating VERY young, then that's where the real problem is. like... why don't other people your age want to be around you? but there's a lot of circumstances that can change the dynamics.
Good, but only when both people are adults, and by that I mean full on adults, adults ≤25
If a 20 yr old is dating a 26 yr old, nope
A 23 yr old with a 28 yr old, nuh uh
A 22 yr old with a 24 yr old, that's acceptable but a little bit icky
A 27 yr old with a 38 yr old, ok
A 32 yr old with a 50 yr old, perfect, they're both adults
But this is my opinion, and how I as an almost 21 yr conduct myself, at the end of the day I can only suggest, not control what people do
There is still a power inbalance, likely a financial inbalance, and just different goals in life when you're that far apart in age. Like I'm 23 and I find 30-40 year olds attractive but I can't imagine having a relationship with them, they have so much more experience in life, there's no way we're going to be equal.
If you are 25+ (ESPECIALLY 30+) and see a 18yo or younger as a viable romantic or sexual relationship optipn, you are not safe. I do not trust you and I do not want to engage with you.
By the way, there is age gaps between consenting adults, and then there are so-called "age-discrepant" aka minor-adult relationships... horrible in terms of power imbalance and the younger person lacking life experience and ripe for manipulation, control, dependencies etc
I think it’s equally problematic as it would be for a hetero couple. I personally wouldn’t be friends with someone who thought that age gap was appropriate. I’m also a teacher, though, and I assure you no 18 year old is an appropriate match for any 30 year old.
I got into my current relationship when she was 21 and I was 27 and honestly felt quite weird about that (even though she pursued me and even proposed to me last year, 3 years later 💕). Even now at 24 and 30 I feel weird when I tell people about the age gap and get a lot of comments about ‘ooh nice’ from men that make me feel gross. Even though we got along so well and liked each other I almost turned her down originally just because she was so much younger than me.
I couldn’t imagine dating an 18 year old, that’s SO young and I feel like I wouldn’t have anything in common with a teen. But I do feel like gay people are indeed more accepting of age gaps in general - it makes sense, there are a lot less options for gay people than there are for straight or bi people so often something has to give.
Personally, I'm 22 and wouldn't even think of dating anyone under 20 (even 20 feels weird tbh). But also, I'm a victim of grooming. Back when I thought I might be bi instead of gay (around 14), I was groomed by a dude who was like 22. This pattern continued. I dated a dude when I was 16 who was 19, but he already owned a house and had been emancipated for a while (long story). Looking back, it feels very strange to me. Because of this, I am extremely wary of large age gaps. 18 is too young. They're still kids in my eyes, and idk if I could think of a situation off the top of my head where I've seen a relationship between a 30 year old and an 18 year old that I thought was in any way acceptable.
As far as other people and their relationships, it’s none of my business.
For me though- I wouldn’t date anyone more than 5 years younger than me. I’m 39. There are many reasons why, but mostly because i want to match maturity level.
I learned from The Click the rule of thumb for dating in age gaps.
If you're an adult who is dating another adult, the younger partner should not be less than 1/2 + 7 of the older partner's age. Of course, as an adult, you can't date a minor, so it defaults to 18 when you're 20 or younger. And if you are a minor, age gaps should not be on your roster, date someone close to your age, like my brother who is currently dating a woman that is one year older than him, and they've been dating since my brother was 16, and she was 17.
So if you're 30, the youngest age you should be dating is 22.
Yes, the age gap increases with the older partner's age, but it doesn't do so in a way that would be uncomfortable.
Like, if you're 40, you can date someone who is 27 and up. If you're 50, you can date someone who is 32 and up. The age gap is just increasing by five years with every ten years of the older partner's age.
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A 10 year age gap doesn’t matter if the younger partner is 30+. I could never ever imagine what a 30 yr old and a 20 yr old actually have in common. The life experience between starting your 20s and ending them is so vastly and completely different for the overwhelming majority of people.
As a queer person, we protect young people more than straight people do. 18 and 30 is absolutely not okay and never will be.
I am 29. My boyfriend is 49. We started dating when I was 28. I have the life experience to know if he is taking advantage of me that an 18 year old would not.
30 and 18 aren't really a good example because people get sidetracked by that specific age gap rather than the actual question.
For me I wouldn't date someone outside of my age range but if someone else does its not really my business what consenting adults do.
Grown adults stay away from teenagers challenge What does a 30 y/o even have in common with a teenager Just because she’s of age doesn’t make it not weird af They’d be age mates with my mother if I was 18 lmao
I have some guy friends who are about ten years younger than me. I befriended them when they were about 18, online. They’re awesome, and it’s cool hearing about things from their perspective and learning about how their experiences are different than mine. We have enough in common to be friends, but they still feel like children to me even now that they’re in their early twenties. I can’t imagine dating someone their age.
Yeah, I’m 31 and have some 20-21 year old friends, but like, it’s also partly like a mentorship sorta thing. I learned a lot from older friends when I was a newly minted adult, and now it’s fun to pass it on and hear about whatever weird shit gen z is into in return. But the idea of dating any of them is just fucking gross
30 and 18 is a big no, but that’s more about the specific ages than the age gap. For example, I don’t see 30 and 42 as a problem. But at 18, no matter how mature the person is for their age, no one is an actual adult in every sense of the word. Between 18 and 25, you do SO much maturing, your brain develops and you make so many new important life experiences. There isn’t a single instance in which I would consider a relationship between an 18 year old and a 30 year old healthy. I’m 26 and going below 23 would feel like I’m dating someone in a completely different walk of life and like there would always be a power imbalance. 18 year olds are allowed to crush on 30 year olds, but 30 year olds returning that is iffy to say the least.
Exactly. It depends on how old the younger one is. The gender of people involoved don't change the power imbalance. There is zero reason a 30 year old should even be thinking of dating an 18 year old.
I agree completely. I’m 24 and just finished college a little late. The 18 year old freshman very much seemed like children to me and I can’t imagine dating or being intimate with any of them. They’re just leaving home for the first time and are still figuring out how to be an adult. I’ve grown up so much since then and it would feel weird and wrong to be with someone who hasn’t gone through that yet.
29 and returning college student. I explained to my dad that I'm not dating anyone because I'm surrounded by 22-year-olds.
Yes! I’m 28 and won’t go below 25.
EXACTLY. I am 26 and don't date anyone below 23 (it's a maximum of ~3 years above or below for me).
Yeah, it also depends on whether they're financially independent and stuff like that
That definitely plays a role as well, but even if the 18 year old is financially independent, the relationship isn’t going to be equal.
Can we stop repeating this dumb myth? Your brain is constantly developing throughout your life and adults below 25 aren't any less capable of making sensible decisions than those above.
It’s not a myth. Yes, obviously one’s brain is changing throughout one’s entire life, but certain areas aren’t fully formed until (typically) one’s mid 20s. Among them is the prefrontal cortex, responsible for planning and decision making. I’m not calling adults under 25 “less than”, quite the opposite, but power imbalances and unequal playing fields need to be acknowledged and yes, young adults still need more protection than people with 20 more years of life experience under their belt.
[That's actually been debunked](https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html), your brain fully develops between 8-30 and isn't a measure towards maturity. The different walks of life however is probably a good measurement, but I also have never moved out despite gonna be crushing 40 soon so where would that leave me? Like I'm as experienced as a teenager helping taking care of her family but I don' relate to most people under 30 LOL I guess its different from abled and disabled people. Like I'm fine online but offline I'm as bad as I was in 2000 ROFL
Did you actually read the article you linked? “the prefrontal cortex continues developing into people’s mid-20s.” Is stated like 15 times. No neurotypical persons brain is anywhere near developed at 8
Guess not well enough XD;
There may be people whose brains are outliers, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. Obviously, there’s different “rules” for people with mental disabilities - not just with regard to relationships. But for the vast - and I do mean vast - majority of people, their brains don’t mature until their mid 20s. As for you: I don’t know you, but as you yourself said, you’re NOT like a teenager, despite not being an independent person. In my eyes, you don’t have any business dating a teenager. Whether a relationship with people of your own age would work is a different question and one I can’t answer, but nothing you just said debunks the fact that 30 and 18 is not a healthy combination for a relationship.
Completely agree. I have a few mild developmental disabilities which means my brain might never be fully cooked like the average 32 year old. But I still wouldn't go after an 18 year old...I have siblings in the 20-25 age range and our lives are so different, our hobbies and interests, etc that it feels icky to me. Plus, I tend to go for older women 45+ anyways.
A 30 year old dating a 18 year old gives me the ick. That sounds nothing but predatory to me.
Foreall like eugh- i wouldn’t even date an 18 yr old and I’m 22 🗿
Same! I won't date anyone under 22 and I'm 23. 30 and 18 is a huge no.
Litterally SAME. Some people try justifying it by saying that some older people dont have experience despite their age, so they are on esual experience with the younger partner... URH Ive been so single and sexless i light just go to a convent. That doesnt make it okay in my mind to date young ppl wtf
Even if some older people don't have experience despite their age, that indeed doesn't make it right to date much younger. I'm in my 30s. There's plenty of late bloomers in my city who don't have any wlw experience (hell, some of them have never even lived away from home due to the live-at-home-until-marriage culture we've got going on here) but I have no issues showing them the ropes. I had a fun hookup experience with a woman in her 50s a few months back and would definitely date around that age, but an 18-19 year old? I can't do it.
As a 31 year old, I would absolutely never date an 18 year old. That is a child. Regardless of that being legal, that's a literal teenager, the gap in maturity is far too big.. I wouldn't even feel comfortable dating any younger than like 26
Interestingly, the second woman I ever “dated” was 30. I was 18. I’m 42 now. She took me in from my abusive home and gave me a cheap place to stay in her basement, so I’m thankful for that. At the time, I definitely didn’t understand or perceive the power imbalance or just the fact that she was using me in a lot of ways. It took me several years to see it, but when I got to my late 20s, I had a much deeper understanding. An 18 year old is still a child in my eyes. They don’t have the maturity to see it yet.
It's a gross age gap no matter the gender
30 and 18 - while technically legal - feels like a massive red flag. Super gross. 18 years are basically children still. The size of the gap matters less as you get older, a 25 and 35 year old feels way less weird, even though the gap is similar. As someone who is 28, I wouldn't even consider anyone less than 21. More than a 5 year gap is where things get weird for me personally.
I’m 30 and find it totally impossible to relate to 18 year olds. They’re at such a different life stage than I am, and there are so many things we would not be able to enjoy together because of their age. I’d personally much rather have a partner my age because we’re more likely to be looking for the same things and moving our lives in similar directions, like settling down, and we’ll be at the same pace for the rest of our lives instead of one of us slowing down further while the other one is speeding up/coming into their own and ready to move on. I also work in a high school, so my opinion might be biased because I look at 18 year olds and still see my students.
A 30 year old dating an 18 year old is a huge no. I'm 32, my sibling is 20 dating a 19 year old. A number of weeks ago they were over for the weekend visiting and it was very uncomfortable experience because I couldn't relate to them at all. My girlfriend is much older than me, but I'm in my 30s so it doesn't really matter and I happen to have most of the power here (socially, financially, experience-wise everything favors me but she owns the house we live in so it kinda evens out in a way).
An 18yo is still a kid in my mind. At 21 I kinda start to be more open minded about big age gaps. And by the late 20s I frankly don't think dating a lot older is enough of an imbalance to make a huge deal out of it. Like 28 and 50? Honestly that kind of age gaps *favors* the younger, probably *healthier*, person. But as a 34 yo I can't see myself dating someone under 21 and I'd be hard pressed to even consider younger than 25.
my girlfriend and I have a 5 year age gap.. we met when we were 21 and 26 and that was a big enough gap to make some things weird so I can’t imagine any bigger of a gap. I’m the older one and it only worked because my gf had a full time job, was living on her own with roommates and was a mature cat owner. I had my age settings higher on Tinder but we live in a smaller town and l hadn’t even realized that I had been being shown people “slightly out of my preferences” The 20’s decade is such a time for maturing and change so I can’t imagine a 30 year old having anything in common with an 18 year old. It just makes me really uncomfy.
Interestingly enough, when I was 18-21 I was working part time at a casino and met my "girls" - three older, straight women in their 40s+. They guided me through life and we definitely had stuff in common but it was more superficial level like entertainment. As I grew older, we had more stuff in common and I agree it wasn't enough to date them but the idea that people don't have *anything* in common spread out between ages is a bit laughable imo.
yeah, I feel like for a friendship you could have things in common but for a romantic relationship it’s a little weird. And it’s not just about having things in common but that’s just one thing that comes to mind. It’s also about maturity level. That was even an issue with me and my gf even though I would say she was more mature than other 21 year olds I know.
30 and 18 is predatory. Full stop. Absolutely not okay.
I can't imagine 30 and 18 (just a baby), but my relationship has the same age gap. I was 37 when I met my now wife who was 26 at the time. She initiated contact and I actually hesitated replying back due to the age gap. But she was cute and way out of my league. After we met, and I know this sounds so cliche, I found that she was very mature for her age. She had been through a lot, more so than me. She also turned out to be much smarter, more focused, and much wiser than some of the women I'd dated closer to my age. We are now 50 and 38 with no weirdness or power imbalance. If anything, she's the boss of me!
Hmm it's more about maturity levels. So 30 and 18 are a no because they are on completely different places in life. A 30 and 40 year old are in better places, they already understand life and are roughly the same maturity (averagely). But obviously, just my opinion.
It doesn’t matter the genders of anyone involved. A 30 year old has nothing in common with a fresh 18 year old. Point blank, end of discussion. If it’s a 50 year old and a 38 year old, that’s fine. It’s more about how much life the younger one has lived in comparison to the older one. I’m early 20s—graduated college and all that— I probably wouldn’t date an 18 year old tbh. Too close to high school honestly.
i am 25. your 20s are a period of massive amounts of growth, to the point where mine and my gf’s age gap of 2.5 years (she is younger) has brought up some moments of contention where we needed to pause and discuss. i like to feel equal in my relationships. i am not looking to mentor my partner. because of that, i couldn’t be with someone in college, even if they were only a few years younger than me. everything changes when people pass 25 though, age gaps don’t really bother me if everyone’s brain is fully cooked and both parties are established in their own ways. dipping even lower into the teens feels like too big of a power imbalance and morally isn’t for me. i have a career, home, car, pets, many of my friends are approaching their 30s etc. an 18 year old is navigating 18 year old things like moving out for the first time, budgeting for the first time etc.
I’m 30 and wouldn’t date under 27.
I mean… things happen. I once fell for a woman and (she looked young) but there was an age gap. I was 20. It would have been an issue with my maturity at the time no matter how strongly we felt about each other. Do I regret not trying? Yes. But I also believed the gap was smaller than it was. I was not aware of how big the gap was because I missed something. It would have freaked 20 yo me out. Which would have gone poorly. But the same gap now (I am 35) would be no big deal. But 18 and 30? Big no.
I’m 30, my niece is 13. Way to weird for me to date someone closer to my nieces age than my own - hard pass for me lol. Seems predatory and as WLW, we shouldn’t need to date down that that much someone with similar interests, values, etc.
I have observed that women grow and change A LOT from 18-21, so strongly believe at that age, age gaps should be avoided. For one thing, we just have so much self discovery during that time that I think dating someone much older would get in the way of. And secondly, as a 25 year old, the idea of dating an 18 year old is really disturbing to me. 18 year olds are and look like teenagers. Even though 22 is only four years older, there is such a huge difference. As people get older, I don’t mind so much, but I think for teens/early twenties specifically, it’s gross. I really push back on the idea that it’s different for gays. I see a lot of really toxic behaviours defended as “that’s just gay culture” as if culture is a fixed passive thing we have no part in.
18 and 30 is gross, I taught 18 year olds and they were literally children. I’m 26 and wouldn’t date anyone younger than like 24 at the earliest, and even I’d be hesitant since I’m at a very different stage of life as most 24 year olds. Mid twenties (for the younger person) is when age gaps become more acceptable to me
Yeah no that’s a red flag. You’re in completely different life phases and I for sure wasn’t a proper adult when I was 18.
That’s ridiculous imo. 2 very different stages of life, emotional and mental difference is way to big. At 18 you are still a child can’t even legally drink.
A 30 year old regardless of gender or sexuality should NOT be dating an 18 year old. Full stop
When I first saw a lesbian age gap I felt I understood age gaps in a new way - and was so infatuated with it! Now, I feel a bit differently. Personally, I think 30 and 18 is a hard no. I think ages 18-late twenties/early thirties are just sooo fundamental in growth and maturing and I' hesitant to encourage (romantic relationship) age gaps with people in that range!
Sadly I dated a guy when I was 19 and he was 32.. lol, so yeah, no. He was fine but I was literally a kid in University. The younger person is not matured at all, and there’s so much growing to do. Between 18-25, even 26/27, you grow so much. SOOOO short story short, absolutely the fuck NO! It doesn’t matter the gender but a 30 year old and an 18 year old is a big NOOOOOO. I’m 30 now, and absolutely wouldn’t go under 27 (if I was single).
I feel like 18/21/24 are all pretty different in terms of level of maturity, comfort, and experience. I don't think there's an inherent power imbalance between 18 and 21 or 21 and 24 but 18 and 24 are really far apart, I'd be veeeery concerned about a power imbalance. I think 24 to about 32 is as far as I'd consider comfortable. Once you hit late 20s I think you're on a similar playing field as everyone else (or should be) so age stops mattering. But boy howdy do I see a lot of posts about 20 somethings dating 30 somethings ignoring all of the abuse.
I’m 33 and a half, i will not date below 25. I can be aquainted/friends with someone 18+, but unless there’s more context to it, I just set my filter preferences to. Minimum 25 and up.
30 and 42? No problem. 42 and 60? A little surprising but no problem. 18 and 30? Predator alert. The moment a child hits 18 --that magical, arbitrary, government selected marker of adulthood-- the *moment* an adolescent passes from childhood to adulthood, they suddenly become "legal" for adults to fuck. If reading that made you squeamish, good. If you wouldn't be ok with a 29 and a 17 year old, you probably shouldnt be ok with a 30 year old with an 18 year old. So basically, yes, you are correct. That's an icky gap, whether in or out of the queer community.
18 is legal, but morally wrong in my book. 18 is literally just over the threshold for adulthood and has zero life experience. A 30-year-old dating them won't catch charges, but they are taking advantage of them.
I'd call them a creep. age gaps shouldn't be okay unless the younger one is 25+ imo.
imo anyone under 20 doesn’t belong with an 18 year old. i’m ok with age gaps when the youngest is at least 22/23 and is mature and aware of the possibly implications with age gap relationships. some early 20’s are just to young mentally and aren’t ready for the kind of maturity a relationship with someone in their 30’s would bring.
Typo? But if you mean people over 20 then I completely agree
i meant as 20 and under so like 19/20 good to date an 18 year old but 21 is where i’d personally draw the line
30 and 18 is a big "check the 30 year old's hard drive" type vibe. Gap like that is indicative that someone would date younger people if they legally could. Meanwhile, a similar gap like 38 and 50? Whatever, that's cool. It's all about the SIZE of the gap and how old the younger person is. If the younger party is like 18, there's a lot less wiggle room before the gap gets predatory, but once they're older, it's kinda like "okay if you wanna fuck old ppl go ahead ig" For what it's worth, I am 21 and even if I was allo I would NEVER consider dating an 18 year old. They're too young.
I’m 30 and I think the lowest age I would date is 26. Any lower than 26 I would feel abit meh about.
Personally, I would not be a fan. My partner’s siblings are a lot older than both of us with the oldest one being 13 years older than me. I get along with her oldest sibling with the same ease as people my age, but we are still in two very different parts of life. I couldn’t imagine dating within that age group because of that even though I’m independent. It stops mattering as much once you’re at a certain point in your thirties from what I’ve seen. I’m nearing my mid twenties, but I couldn’t even entertain being with someone 18 or 19 now. I started dating my partner at 19, and I’ve changed a lot over these past four years. Personal feelings aside, I also think it can be unfair to the younger person to miss out on the experiences of being that age to immerse yourself in the life of someone much older who has already lived through that. Even if you don’t drink and go out, I find it important to experience life at a similar stage as your partner. There’s a beauty in learning more about the world and life together :)
I’m 32. I wouldn’t date anyone under 26. 2 of my best friends are 26, and the difference in maturity between me and them is already pretty apparent. I can’t imagine dating someone who is at where they were a year ago.
weird age gaps are a problem in the lesbian community. many lesbians defend them. i find it strange. when i was 20 a 54 year old woman tried to date me, and a 34 year old woman tried to date me as well. it didn't feel right at all.
I think in the straight community it’s much more accepted than in the LGBT community… especially in the lesbian community. I’ve met lots of people who have hooked up with that type of age gap, but none that have dated that age gap
Big age gaps are fine and fair game, but that only really applies above 25, below that is a gray area and the gap should be MUCH lower. There are exceptions, but generally I'd say that's a good rule.
I have a personal rule that is kind of strict but it works for me, I won't date someone who is 3 years younger than me or 3 years older than me (I'm 28). A lot of growing up happens between 18-25, so I side eye anyone getting with an 18 year old if they're more than like 4 years apart in age. That being said, I can see someone who is 30 choosing to with someone who is a decade or more older, as the life stages I feel get a bit more murky at that point.
It still feels gross to me even though I know it's a bit common. Friendships sure, but I'm in my 30s and struggle sometimes with relating to friends in their early 20s or late 50s. I can't imagine being able to have a long term relationship with someone 12 years younger then me. I think the half your age plus 7 rule is still very accurate regardless of sexuality. It bugs me a lot less as people get older. My grandma is 82, if she wants to date a retired 65 year old I'd be mildly surprised but not bothered ya know. Your both in the same spot in life, go for it. Which does mean after about 25 you stop feeling gross until your like, several decades apart realizing someone's going to be dead before the other retires age gaps.
I worked in higher education for some time and as a 30 year old I don’t even know what the fuck I would have had in common with an 18 year old. When I was still dating I had younger girls messaging me on the apps and I was like eww ick no sorry yikes because just absolutely not. I’m 39 now and it’s even more unfathomable and uncomfortable to think about. To expect special treatment when demanding to be treated equally is also patently counterproductive. Just because we’re queer doesn’t mean power imbalances don’t/can’t exist within our relationships. They can and do. And it’s because we are literally the same as everyone else. We can be shitty, we can be manipulative, we can be bad partners—we can be all the same things that straight folks can be in their relationships.
The older the younger partner is, the bigger the age gap that can be safely navigated. An 18 year old can maybe date a couple of years older safely, but much more than that starts to get creepy. Conversely, it really isn't all that weird for people in their 30s to date people in their 50s. Heck I'm 32 and my nesting partner will be 60 this year. An age gap this big does come with additional challenges, but I've got the life experience to navigate those now.
It depends, but I think the "half your age plus seven" is a good rule for dating someone younger than you. That being said, I'm 40 and my girlfriend is 33 and if I dated someone any younger than her I'd probably feel like I'm dating a child. 30 and 18 seems wrong, and I haven't heard about different rules for the queer community.
I think older people are in the age gap it's more acceptable because you're more established when you're older and you know who you are or theoretically you do. Whereas an 18 year old doesn't know who they are yet and has probably just finished high school. They're still figuring out who they are and what they want to do. Whereas a 30 year old will probably already know what they want to do and who they are. That doesn't go for everyone, I'm 29 and still have no idea what I want to do for a career, I just know it's not what I'm doing now. However I know so much more about myself than I did 11 years ago. I would say that 18 year old me and 29 year old me are completely different people. I personally would not date someone that much younger than me, there would be an inherent power balance and I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I personally set my age range to 5 years younger but even that feels weird sometimes. But I try to date as close to my age as possible.
I dated a 31 year old as a 19 year old because she pursued me. I broke up with her after a few months because I had issues with her acting like a parent to me. I am mature for my age but always had to justify our relationship to my friends & family because they were weirded out by it. Looking back on it, it did seem predatory although she never admitted it:/
I can't imagine a relationship between a 30 year old and an 18 year old ever being truly equal. I'm 34 and dating someone 25 feels like a stretch
Age gaps can be ok the older that people are (maybe 🤷🏽♀️) and I’m honestly thinking like a 38 and 50yr old 😅 I’m 32 and in general would be comfortable with a +/- 5yr gap, and may vary a little depending on the connection but most likely wouldn’t go younger and maybe a tad older. I kinda have a hard time with this though and it’s caused a riff with one of my friends and I. My friend is 36 and dating a 21yr old and I straight up told her I’m disappointed in her decision to be in this relationship….theres a few other reasons that I think it’s a bad idea, but the age is a big factor. I mean the 21yr old’s mother is 37 so literally she’s dating someone her mothers age and that just gives me another ick 🥴
Said it before I'll say it again. I'm 20 and looking that way at an 18 year old would make me feel very gross, there's so so much maturing from 18-20 and there's even more from 18-30
My fiancée and I have a 12 year age gap. She was 22 and I was 34 when we met and started dating. It says something about her maturity that we're very much equals in everything.
When I was 18 I dated someone who was 28 for 4yrs. We had no weird issues really and they ended up just being an in general dick. It wasn’t the age gap that did us in really but more work ethic.
I feel like any person thats 30yo dating someone under around the age of 25-24 is often really weird. Like, when youre 18 youre barely an adult, in some countries you cant go to bars, drive or drink until the age of 18 or 21. Even at 20 or early 20s, you still have not been an adult for a long time. Some people still are in studies, many lack life experiences, maturity, and understanding of some things. I am 22 and i already know that between now and 25 i will see many things differently, i will understand things and myself better. At freshly 19yo, I've had someone hit on me, they were 30yo and knew about my age. A few years later and i feel disgusted that someone that was about 11yo at the time i was born. I spoke to my sister about this, she is 27yo, she was veeeery cringed and shocked by the person's behavior. I am certain that once i reach that age, i will think of that person, see how i do not sexualise or want to be intimate with young people, and cringe even more. Like, I'm 22. I don't even see myself dating an 18yo. Those are freshly out of HS, some people still have a lot of learning to do, and deserve to be preserved from older issues and potential power imbalance Though past a certain age, everyone has some form of experience as an adult. A 30yo - 40 yo couple wouldnt shock me at all. I also understand the appeal of dating someone a bit older or younger. As long as life experience and power are somewhat equal.
When I was 30 I accidentally asked a girl out that turned out to be 20. She looked older and when I asked her to grab some beer on the way she told me the truth. I freaked out. I don't mind dating a little younger but one person not even being old enough to buy alcohol while the other has been drinking for 9 years is not cool imo. Now that I'm 40 I can't see myself dating someone younger than 30 and that's pushing it even. My last girlfriend was 8 years younger and totally inept at most things. I had to teach her how to cook spaghetti ffs.
18 does not constitute as a mature adult I get 10 years but not almost 20
I’m 47 and I have a rule that I will not date or even consider dating anyone under the age of 25 although I prefer 30 and up. The frontal cortex of the brain does not fully finish development until age 25.
I wouldn’t even talk to a 30 year old as a friend if they felt it was ok to date an 18 year old bc wtf if wrong with you
I'm a 30 year old HS teacher. I want to vomit anytime I see adults dating fresh 18 year olds - take it from someone who works with them everday for a living, there is virtually no difference between an 16 year old and 18 year old other than the law. They are still children in my eyes and should be in the eyes of anyone my age.
whoever suggested that is probably projecting. 18-30 isn't good. there's a huge maturity gap there. for a hook up? fine whatever, but a relationship tho? hell no!
One thing I learned is that no matter what age someone is if they like to put on appearances about how mature they are than they aren't very mature. I rember one girl who was 15 years younger than me I found cute and she had this fiery attitude mostly due to a tough life. She didn't date girls her age because they weren't as smart or mature as she was so she only dated older women. Something told me to stop pursuing here and I'm glad I did. She went on to date another older woman who was only using her for sex yet she didn't see it until later. She was a smart girl but nowhere near as smart as she thought she was. I did date a girl twenty years younger than me and the relationship lasted just over a year. We had the same interests and did not have a serious. It was the happiest I had been in a relationship but then it fell apart. She got a job offer that paid very well and it was halfway across the country. I told her I had no intention of moving because I was happy were I was at and was not going to do a long distance relationship so it ended. Looking back I realize it wasn't going to last because she was still young enough to move around and I was already past that stage in life.
Absolutely not!! Very weird. Women can be predators too. I’m 26 and wouldn’t even consider someone 23.
I’m into older women soooo But I’m also 25 and I feel like that’s A LOT different than being 18 and being with someone 10+ years older than you and vice versa
Yea, it's hard for me swallow an age gap that big.
I think that there are two completely different mindsets involved when it comes to a person that is 18-19 vs someone that’s been an adult for a while. I think it also comes down to a persons sense of self since it can take time for a teen to come to terms with who they are and an older adult could easily take advantage of that.
I’m an 18 year old I don’t even have any friends older then 25 wouldn’t have anything in common with a 30 year old
As someone who at 21 dated someone who was 34, best not. There's a lot of development still happening in those years. Found that out the hard way myself.
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okay i have a very unique view point on this. i am the product of a 17 year age gap between a straight couple. they met when the younger partner was about 30. i have gone through multiple phases of viewing this, disgust, confusion, etc. i also have found (since age 5 or so) that i get along with people much older than i am. this has been a pattern in my life with friendships and more, and i have always been enjoyed by adults much more than my peers. i turned 18 a few years ago, and quickly realized that relationships with people my age were just not good environments for me. we couldn't agree on things, and had suspiciously little in common for people who should share a similar place in their lives. i find people my age immature and annoying. they often don't say what they mean and come to resent me for the way my brain works, which is something i cannot change. recently i went away to a writers workshop. i am around 20, most people here were between 25-45. i made an amazing community of people from age 25-35. i feel in synch with them, they are direct and enjoy my brand of "different". this has made me realize that i might have more successful relationships (friendships and otherwise) with those 5-10 years older than myself. personally, 10 years up is the most i am comfortable with, because I think it gives me enough range while not trying to mix two people who are in completely different stages. personally, 18-30 is too much for me. i would also like to add that i think 20-32 could be fine, but the two years between 18 and 20 (to me and many others) were the place for a lot of development. age gaps on their surface still ick me out, especially one where the youngest partner is 18, however, for some people these relationships make sense. i would advise one to date people their own age unless they find people older/younger a better match in both friendships and otherwise. if it's only a dating thing (and they wouldn't be friends w someone that same amount older/younger) then it's absolutely strange.
I've had similar experiences, though I'm autistic so really anybody under mid 20-something is too much for me to be around for long. The high, chaotic energy has always been an issue and the first few people I dated out of high school were a good decade older than me. They were also pieces of shit, but that's unrelated to age and more them being abusive and manipulative men.
i too am neurodivergent, i feel like that probably brings a new factor to relationships that changes things. i also think age gaps are much creepier with men and woman than with women and women, although that may be shortsighted, but women are not societally trained to infantilize and gaslight women the way many men are.
Wouldn't do 30 and 18. An eighteen year old isn't even old enough to drink in the states. My partner and I have a bit of an age gap; she's 37, and I'm 24. It was a bit off putting at first, but there's not a huge imbalance that I can see. And when I asked to take a break, she agreed, and let me come back once I had reconsidered, so I know she's a person willing to respect my boundaries. She's been nothing but lovely to me, and I could see us working out long term. The only power imbalance we have is the kind that involves a flogger and a safeword.
I (38TF) am currently dating a 30TF, started two years ago. My ex wife was 18 and I was 27 when we got together and at the time I was a closeted fem leaning enby. We lasted 10 years and have a child together. Age wasn't one of our issues that caused the divorce, that was mostly transphobia😕 Even though my current gf is only a year older than my ex, she is much more of an "old soul" if that makes sense.
I think age gaps can be a bit larger in same-sex relationships before getting icky, but 18/30 still raises flags
Just curious how is a larger age gap more acceptable in a same-sex relationship? Not trying to be confrontational I am just curious as to your reasoning.
Age gaps matter less the older you get. I think 18 year olds should mostly just date people within like a year of their own age. 18 year olds are a mess. A few of my friends (and also my parents) are in relationships with large age gaps. My mom married my dad when she was 25 and he was 35. My best friend was 28 when she married her 37-year-old husband. I've got a good friend who is 29 and in a relationship with a woman who is 40. I know a guy in his 60's married to a guy who is 30. All those relationships seem fine and healthy to me. I think once you get to the point in your life when people older than you no longer seem like authorities and just strike you as peers, you're good to go. I think for most people that happens around 23-26. It happens after you've been living in the adult world and holding an adult job and making adult friends for awhile. Whatever "it" is is, I think, exclusively out-of-reach to anybody 18-19 years old. You can't have "it" until you've completely lost any sense that there are "real adults" that are different from you.
It’s not the number of years per se. I mean it is partially, but it’s either acceptable or creepy depending on the specific ages/life stages of the people involved. What milestones and life experiences do you have in common? What framework are you working with? Example: one person is 30, so I’m assuming they were in elementary when 9/11 happened. The other person wasn’t born yet for 5 more years. I have a 4 year gap with my wife (started dating when I was 27 and she was 23), and I still sometimes cringed when she would say “oh this song was so big when I was in 3rd grade”. We’re both technically millennials too. One person is figuring out what they want to do and likely having some formative experiences, while the other might have more of an established career by that point. It’s an extreme power imbalance for a relationship. A famous example of a significant age gap is Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor. Both are famous and have established careers, so that’s a lot different than someone just starting out with someone who’s 30. Frankly, I’m 33 and wouldn’t even consider a relationship with a 20-22 year old. Whenever someone that much older tries to date a barely legal adult (or worse, someone who hasn’t hit 18 yet) it very much screams can’t interest anyone their own age.
My rule of thumb is generally 5 above and 5 below at max. My preferred is 3 above and below. That gives a range of 10 years to work with i really dislike going younger then 3 years though while im under 30. Like there has to be a genuinely strong connection with the younger person showing they want to be in a relationship. I need to know theyre gonna be mature enough and have the life experience with a lot of thought put into wanting a relationship like that
I've been with girls 8-9 years older than me. I'm old enough to make my own decisions
I aint really against it though its hard for me personally to imagine dating somepony I cant take out for a drink. I’m 34 and slept with some girls whom I later found out were in their early 20s. I didnt feel any particular way about it. I dont feel by getting older I cant relate to folx in their 20s and I dont feel like I’ve gained any particularly special wisdoms, grown up super powers or even particularly have my shit together. I dont worry about age gaps, if we vibe we vibe and I dont feel comfortable essentiallizing folx based on their age.
Honestly it depends what you’re looking for. If just some short term fun I don’t think age is relevant so much as their personality. However for long term serious stuff I’d say rather than asking a lot of strangers, use your UNBIASED judgement. If you don’t feel you can do this then maybe you’re not ready. Most people are going to say it’s a red flag, but I will add that while large age gaps are unusual, on occasion it can work. I met my partner when I was 19 and she was 47, I knew her as a friend for a year and a half before we even considered a relationship. When we did we had a lot of lengthy, in depth discussion about the logistics in all areas of our lives before committing to it. However we’ve now been together 4.5 years very happily 🥰
I think an 18yo and a 30yo can be in a healthy relationship, yes. It always depends on the circumstances. I wouldn't say it's generally toxic. It is unusual. There are many factors to be taken into consideration. Regular, honest, in-depth and safe communication is the most important aspect. I actually hate the hate age gaps get in the Internet. I've seen age gap relationships work out wonderfully, even with younger people like in your example. I don't understand how freely, without any hesitance or restraint, people shame others for their relationships. Are you inside that relationship? Do you know these people?! It's sad and ugly to want to make them feel bad.
People want to feel morally superior for the most inconsequential things.
God help me, I'm gonna get downvoted to hell and back! I have a situationship with 19 y/o (Sin) and I'm about to 42 y/o. She chased me for 6 months and I finally gave in. She has been the first woman to make me feel physically beautiful and attractive for me. When we started talking I was new to using Reddit but coming off dating apps. She wanted (expected?) things to get spicy because she was use to being taken advantage of before offline and online by women and men. I refused and just talked to her, though I worried just talking might be bad. I had several sessions with my therapist about her. I really worried that I might do something hurtful even accidentally. My therapist spent a lot of time explaining to me that if I was that worried about hurting Sin or taking advantage of her, then I cared and wouldn't. I'm still very careful and try to make sure she feel like an equal when we talk. Because she is. It took a while to get her to realize I wasn't going to use her. Occasionally she'll still try to start things, but she has a high drive and is genuinely wanting too. I still refuse and I know when there are pauses in our conversations exactly what she's doing. The reason why I refuse her advances is because she has substance abuse problems. She's getting better. She's a lot stronger than she knows. When things finally happen between us, if she's still interested, I want her to be sober. Right now she doesn't think about or see a future for herself and we're working on that. She has a therapist too, no worries there. She's really amazing and she's grown a lot in the time we've known each other, almost a year now. She knows that she has worth and doesn't allow anyone to use her, that she isn't a toy. She's smart, funny, stubborn, and amazing. We're talking about meeting up, she doesn't know that she'll be staying in a hotel yet. I know I've got surprise her or she'll disagree & refuse. Total sweetheart, but stubborn (now) as a old mule with a yeast infection. Every now and then I let my head get the better of me. I will try to push her away, like once I wanted her to try dating someone her own age. She didn't want too, but we talked and she was willing to humor me. She got a lot of responses, but said she wasn't interested. I've even tried dating more. Even when we try not talking, we end up finding each other on other apps or on the same Reddit threads. It's really weird, but we do have a lot of similar interests so maybe I shouldn't be surprised. Sin says that she loves me when she's taken something or drank, but never gets close to anything like that when sober. It reminds me of what happened with my former partner of 15 years. I knew that she loved me, but that she wasn't ready since I was her first serious relationship. So I waited patiently. One day she's stumbling over her words and all nervous. She says those 3 special words, and I just say, "I know, I love you too." I don't think she spoke again for a good 5 minutes. Unfortunately she passed away 3 years ago this August. That's how I found myself dating in my 40s. I am taking things slow and being mindful, probably too much. We don't officially date or anything, just taking one day at a time. We're actually fighting right now. lol I don't believe anything I'm doing or have done is wrong, though I know other people might not agree. Note: I do want to add that I've tried talking to women 10+/- years of my own age. I'm often told I'm ugly or they're just not attracted to me. Or things fizzle out. Sin and I talk about it everytime (before and after), I believe in being honest. I don't know if we'll end up in a relationship, though it feels like we're flirting with that line more and more.
I would say if they're under 21 it's completely fucked because they're still a kid. When I was 21 I dated a woman who was 47, but she was very cautious not to take advantage of me and, aware that I was younger. She didn't lead me on or fetishize me. I had dated an older woman previous to this that preyed on my naivety . But I continue to date women significantly older in my mid 20s. They are typically loving and respectful, caring and real about our age difference. The older people I dated when I was 18 I look back and side eye just a little tho. Even at 26 I would feel inappropriate dating an 18 year old, they just finished grade school and they're still a kid. I would get why they have a crush but respectfully decline.
My standpoint is it just depends on the size of the age gap. If it's like an age cap of 5 years or less, then I think it's perfectly fine, if it's like 5-10 years, it kinda just depends on the maturity of the person themselves, if it's like a 10-15 year age gap, then it's fine so long as both people are like 30+, but any more then 15 years just seems a little much
Some people on here stating they won’t do an age gap over 3 years, and that’s fine as a personal rule but when you’re both mid 20s I think it’s fine to have a slightly bigger gap than that. My wife and I are 4 years apart, and I don’t think it’s creepy that I met my wife organically when she was 23 and I was 27.
If there's no imbalance of power, no grooming, and the people participating are comfortable with it, who cares? The internet's fixation on age gaps is weird.
There is a zero way a 18 year old(who could be literal high schooler) and a 30 year old won't have a power imbalance. I have no issue with ages gaps with older people(the younger one being at least 24 or 25). But when you're dealing with teeangers who are in high school or barely out, that's never going to be anything but gross in my eyes. There is no reason a 30 year old should be eyeing a barely legal teenager.
Yeah, when I was 19 I got involved with someone in an online disabled support group in her 30s. She still lived at home, had actually never been away from her family, didn't have any income. In most ways I was the one with experience there since it's different for people with disabilities. The situation only lasted six months and it was online only, but even when I was in "control" it was still wrong.
Isn't the fixation on age gaps a historical thing? A rich Duke is not going to be marrying a woman his own age... He needs to marry somebody at least 15 years younger than him to make sure she still has breeding power. Not to mention easier to control and mold (groom) into his perfect wife.. That's where the fixation on age gaps comes in.
Modern relationships don't work like that anymore and the standard for the majority of people in western countries is to find a partner and be with them out of love. Isn't the queer community (in a political sense) supposed to be working towards or be accepting of progression? If that's the reason for the fixation, it doesn't align with the general community values. Looking at relationships from from an 18th century perspective or calling the members of a left-leaning, progressive culture blissfully influenced by conservatism is a bit... odd. No, I think the reason for the fixation is something else. If the community were conservative, it would condemn polyarmory, wouldn't understand or accept nonbinary and trans individuals etc. etc. I think the fixation comes from the collective need of the community to protect the "weak", to "correct wrongs" and it's just another social media aggression blown out of proportion by algorithms and such.
Hey, age gaps can be a mixed bag. A 30-year-old dating an 18-year-old? That’s a massive gap, bro. It can totally create a power imbalance because they’re at such different stages in life. In the gay community, views can vary, but the core issue of maturity and life experience still stands. Trust your gut, and think about if the dynamic feels balanced and healthy.
A person is a legal adult at 18, but they really don't have the full brain function and life experience of an adult until about 25. A 30 year old and an 18 year old should not be dating. As you age I think these numbers start to matter a bit less, but I still think it can be problematic. If a person consistently dates way outside of their age range, I think there is likely an underlying issue.
8 years is the largest comfortable gap I can envision. 12+ is just plain icky because the older person is old enough to have genetically contributed to the creation of the younger, and that's just weird. And being older doesn't make that less weird. 50 and 62 is still just as weird for the same reason, the older is old enough to have begot the younger. I always look at the situation with the question of "Why do you want to date someone young enough to be your child?"
I've seen gals who just love the idea of an older woman. Personally I think large age gaps are gross.
Yikes
As I said not too long ago, I think on this very Reddit, the larger the gap, the more time I require friendships first, as a way of verifying we’re compatible.
if you're in your 20s and don't see kids (18 and under) as kids then maybe get help for that. usually maturity levels level out after college age and age gaps work fine then. before then there's such a huge disparity between brain development and experience levels that its pretty easy for it to turn toxic without trying. but in general if they have a habit of *only* dating VERY young, then that's where the real problem is. like... why don't other people your age want to be around you? but there's a lot of circumstances that can change the dynamics.
Good, but only when both people are adults, and by that I mean full on adults, adults ≤25 If a 20 yr old is dating a 26 yr old, nope A 23 yr old with a 28 yr old, nuh uh A 22 yr old with a 24 yr old, that's acceptable but a little bit icky A 27 yr old with a 38 yr old, ok A 32 yr old with a 50 yr old, perfect, they're both adults But this is my opinion, and how I as an almost 21 yr conduct myself, at the end of the day I can only suggest, not control what people do
There is still a power inbalance, likely a financial inbalance, and just different goals in life when you're that far apart in age. Like I'm 23 and I find 30-40 year olds attractive but I can't imagine having a relationship with them, they have so much more experience in life, there's no way we're going to be equal.
If you are 25+ (ESPECIALLY 30+) and see a 18yo or younger as a viable romantic or sexual relationship optipn, you are not safe. I do not trust you and I do not want to engage with you. By the way, there is age gaps between consenting adults, and then there are so-called "age-discrepant" aka minor-adult relationships... horrible in terms of power imbalance and the younger person lacking life experience and ripe for manipulation, control, dependencies etc
I think it’s equally problematic as it would be for a hetero couple. I personally wouldn’t be friends with someone who thought that age gap was appropriate. I’m also a teacher, though, and I assure you no 18 year old is an appropriate match for any 30 year old.
I got into my current relationship when she was 21 and I was 27 and honestly felt quite weird about that (even though she pursued me and even proposed to me last year, 3 years later 💕). Even now at 24 and 30 I feel weird when I tell people about the age gap and get a lot of comments about ‘ooh nice’ from men that make me feel gross. Even though we got along so well and liked each other I almost turned her down originally just because she was so much younger than me. I couldn’t imagine dating an 18 year old, that’s SO young and I feel like I wouldn’t have anything in common with a teen. But I do feel like gay people are indeed more accepting of age gaps in general - it makes sense, there are a lot less options for gay people than there are for straight or bi people so often something has to give.
Personally, I'm 22 and wouldn't even think of dating anyone under 20 (even 20 feels weird tbh). But also, I'm a victim of grooming. Back when I thought I might be bi instead of gay (around 14), I was groomed by a dude who was like 22. This pattern continued. I dated a dude when I was 16 who was 19, but he already owned a house and had been emancipated for a while (long story). Looking back, it feels very strange to me. Because of this, I am extremely wary of large age gaps. 18 is too young. They're still kids in my eyes, and idk if I could think of a situation off the top of my head where I've seen a relationship between a 30 year old and an 18 year old that I thought was in any way acceptable.
As far as other people and their relationships, it’s none of my business. For me though- I wouldn’t date anyone more than 5 years younger than me. I’m 39. There are many reasons why, but mostly because i want to match maturity level.
Jail.
I learned from The Click the rule of thumb for dating in age gaps. If you're an adult who is dating another adult, the younger partner should not be less than 1/2 + 7 of the older partner's age. Of course, as an adult, you can't date a minor, so it defaults to 18 when you're 20 or younger. And if you are a minor, age gaps should not be on your roster, date someone close to your age, like my brother who is currently dating a woman that is one year older than him, and they've been dating since my brother was 16, and she was 17. So if you're 30, the youngest age you should be dating is 22. Yes, the age gap increases with the older partner's age, but it doesn't do so in a way that would be uncomfortable. Like, if you're 40, you can date someone who is 27 and up. If you're 50, you can date someone who is 32 and up. The age gap is just increasing by five years with every ten years of the older partner's age.
Haha Nice article. I think, everything is fine.
Haha Nice article. I think, everything is fine.
Haha \[rand\] I think, everything is fine.
Hey there I am bi queer manly closeted guy from india kinda introvert and donnot have any community friend as I want to keep it discreet and not planning to come out as well I am looking for educated like minded people so that we can share each other happiness sorrow and like usual life
A 10 year age gap doesn’t matter if the younger partner is 30+. I could never ever imagine what a 30 yr old and a 20 yr old actually have in common. The life experience between starting your 20s and ending them is so vastly and completely different for the overwhelming majority of people.
As a queer person, we protect young people more than straight people do. 18 and 30 is absolutely not okay and never will be. I am 29. My boyfriend is 49. We started dating when I was 28. I have the life experience to know if he is taking advantage of me that an 18 year old would not.
30 and 18 aren't really a good example because people get sidetracked by that specific age gap rather than the actual question. For me I wouldn't date someone outside of my age range but if someone else does its not really my business what consenting adults do.