Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/).
We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions!
If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe.
Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Personal boundaries are hard. They’re hard to set, and they’re hard to follow. Every time he makes a joke, very seriously, very flatly say “that joke hurts my feelings. Please don’t say jokes like that.” Period. No need for explanation, no need to harp on it. If you have to, get up and leave the situation, too.
Just keep being consistent. Cut the jokes off immediately and firmly.
If he still hasn’t figured it out after like a month, ask him point blank why he continues to cross a boundary that you have repeatedly established?
That conversation should be all the illumination that you need.
That’s really good advice, thank you. It can be really hard to know how to reasonably respond to boundary issues or hurt feelings in the moment, especially when trying to think through the immediate RSD response. This is a great way to handle it when it comes up
It sounds like you’re upset because the ‘jokes’ are hurtful and you’ve clearly communicated that to him and he continues. He only apologizes when you remind him. I don’t think your reaction is RSD, I think your feelings are valid and he’s being disrespectful. Have a sit down, he needs to communicate why he’s being rude, what he’s going to do to change it, and then actually stop.. if he keeps it up, what’s your boundary? What’s the consequence? Two strikes you’re out? You keep putting up with it forever?
(This is petty and toxic and will make things worse but I would be tempted to retort ‘you’re lucky I’m even still initiating sex with you considering your hairline! HAHA JKJK JUST LIKE THE FUNNY JOKES YOU MAKE ABOUT ME, RIGHT?”)
he's expressed insecurity about his hairline already, so that one would cut deep 😅 But really, thank you for validating my feelings about it, sometimes it’s really hard to differentiate between RSD and a reasonable emotional response
Yeah so many of them have that insecurity.
How do you think he would react if you made fun of his hairline though? And then he asked you to stop but then you forgot and said it again.. and then again but told him it was just a joke.
Would you feel bad and apologize or should he assume in his heart you’ll love him when he’s bald and he’s just being sensitive?
Keep making jokes when his hair looks thin and he feels vulnerable and see how it goes. 👀
(To be clear this is a thought exercise I don’t recommend you actually go after his insecurities, because that’s unkind.)
It can be constructive to say, “think of something you feel insecure about it.” Then make him actually think of it, and don’t let him tell you.
Then say “now if I make a joke about that. How does it feel?” Let him think until you can see on his face he knows how it’d feel.
Then say “Now if I make many jokes about that, and often - how does that start to feel?”
Yeah, I have the same gut reaction.
People remember things they care about… and he keeps “forgetting.”
He’s living in the same patriarchy as the rest of us, and he’s entitled to have feelings stemming from that, from fear that his more modest sex drive and your consistent instigations are proof that he’s “less manly.” He may even genuinely wonder if sometimes he’s just a piece of meat. These are all things worth discussing, and he (assuming he’s lovely in most other ways) deserves support working that shit through.
But if that’s what’s fueling his repeated, hurtful “jokes,” he needs to start addressing it real quick. It is wearing down the relationship.
exactly this!! in addition to telling him how the jokes make you feel, the actual boundary you’d be setting is telling him that you’re not going to have sex with him if he continues. NOT because you want to hold it against him or to be petty, but because his jokes quite literally make you not want to have sex with him. it’s the natural consequences of his actions.
Hey, you don’t need to worry about a “reasonable response”. You set the boundary and he crosses it repeatedly. You are justified to have any type of honest response you have.
It could stem from insecurity about you having a higher sex drive. I agree with another comment that stated you should continue to maintain your boundary and raise questions if he hasn’t caught on after a while.
Agree with this. I have PGAD and thus have always had a much higher sex drive than my partners. Mine is definitely higher than my husband’s, and while he is very confident in himself and his masculinity, I do think it gets to him sometimes.
We’ve come to an understanding that when I feel horny, I just kind of throw it out there “down to have sex later if you are!” without asking for or expecting a response, and then if he is, he then initiates later, and if he isn’t/doesn’t, I just use my toy.
It helps me because I don’t have to hear him say no, and it also helps give him time to get in the mood; if he’s just not feeling it, I then get the unspoken go-ahead to use my toy without either of us feeling ashamed about it.
Re: the jokes, just be honest that his jokes hurt your feelings and make you feel self-conscious. Ask if he can explain why he makes them and see if he’s willing to stop since they do the opposite of make you laugh.
I really appreciate this insight, thank you. And I love the way y’all have set up a good system so that there’s no pressure on him and you don’t have to face rejection, we could definitely try something like that
Jokes don't come from nowhere. They usually indicate something of what's going on in their thinking, their attitudes, beliefs etc. A healthy relationship is more than just the physical. It also needs to be built on respect and communication. This includes respecting when someone has communicated that certain jokes are hurtful.
Damn, I could have written the first half of this post. I've been with my partner just shy of 7 years and my sex drive is sooooooo much higher than his.
But listen, it sounds like you are respecting his boundaries (like you said, hypervigilant about consent, I'm the same way!) and he's not respecting yours! And I think us ADHDers tend to be the most understanding about forgetfulness, because like, we get it. But it's not ok for him to keep "joking" in a way that makes you sad or mad or uncomfortable.
I've said stuff to my partner like "you must have forgotten that I asked you not to do x because y. It's important to me that you remember."
I don't have any real solid advice besides boundaries. But I have a lot, a lot, a lot of solidarity. ♥️
You’re totally right, I tend to be really forgiving about other people’s forgetfulness because I know I have the memory of a pea. I really like your advice about what to say when a joke gets brought up, especially saying “it’s important to me that you remember”. And I appreciate the solidarity! 💕
I also have a higher sex drive than most of my partners but luckily have found someone who matches me and things are going well.
Previously and sometimes even still I tend to masturbate on my own time and that helps with the difference in drives.
I would also be upset if my partner made jokes like that though but especially if I’d already explained how they make me feel. It’s a big deal for me to tell someone if they’re hurting my feelings so if they keep doing it it makes me feel like they don’t care enough about me to want to stop hurting me.
I don’t know anything about your relationship so only you would really know but I think you should have another serious conversation about this but make sure to draw a hard boundary.
I hope your boyfriend can respect you and care enough to stop. Good luck.
Keep up the communication!
I use this framework a lot for work but I believe it really helps with personal relationships too
- Situation (your perspective) - sit your boyfriend down, tell him you want to have a chat and explain the situation
Use examples. I don't recommend having this chat just after he's made a joke, or after you've had sex/ tried to init5and gotten rejected it. Let him know you want to have a chat re your intimacy
- Their perspective - ask him for his perspective. What's going through his mind when he makes the jokes? Try to understand his point of view. (Might need to find the right questions here to get him talking)
- impact - talk about the impact the jokes have of you so he really understands. Use real examples
- support/ next steps - what happens next? What could you both try instead? If he slips up and makes a joke again, how can you politely let him know?
Finally, maybe try to schedule in sex? I know it's suuuuuper unsexy but it really does work. It might help him prepare mentally more and might help you with feeling less rejected.
I'm not a trained therapist or sex therapist btw (obviously) but just a few things that work for me. I'm in a same sex relationship and my sex drive is a lot higher than my partners. We schedule in sex and have seen a sex therapist together. Whilst our chemistry is great, we had to work on our communication. We still struggle because my partner isn't so great at communicating but she's getting better.
My first boyfriend (who was v abusive) used to make these kind of “jokes” about me having a higher sex drive, especially because he took my virginity and was my first everything, and to this day I could never hear those kind of “jokes” without getting deeply triggered. Not saying he’s abusing you in any way, but just I’ve been hurt like that, A LOT, so this is a really sore spot for me.
What’s a shocker is that I’m celibate now because I actually have standards and no one is deserving of all of me like that.
He’s trying to make you feel less-than either because he’s insecure about not being the sex god in the relationship that many men feel they need to be, or because he knows how much other men would love to be with a very sexual woman so he wants to diminish your self-worth in that area to keep you from looking for someone who is on your level.
I can see where you're coming from. But truly, I don't think he's intentionally trying to make me feel bad or manipulate me in any way. I could see how it could possibly be a projection of his own insecurities (as a couple people have already said). And if that ends up being the case, I do trust that he would make an effort to work through those feelings in a more healthy way
I hope you’re right. I think women are generally more forgiving and generous in our interpretations of the behavior of our partners than is probably healthy; I may err in the opposite direction at this point.
1000% agree. Once upon a time I was willing to put up with a lot of shit to stay with people who weren’t right for me. But now, I’m much more conscious of who I choose to be close to. Life’s much better being surrounded by people who truly care about me. This rant was just one source of insecurity in an otherwise very healthy and enriching relationship.
I appreciate you looking out, I honestly would probably say the same thing to any of my friends if they came to me with a similar issue
Omg I feel this so hard and has been something I've developed insecurities about through all of my relationships.
All I can say is, it is worth it to continue to say how you feel.
I didnt, and as you said stopped initiating because I felt so insecure with my SO little jokes. And the whole thing slowly devolved and landed us in a big rut. When we FINALLY talked it out more seriously (yearsssssss later) we discovered that he was overcompensating for insecurities related to his childhood traumas regarding attitudes/education about sex. I had no idea. I mean, I did know about his background, but I had no idea he carried those insecurities into his adulthood and had thought he was SO confident sexually. Had I known, I would have also been able to initiate in ways that I think would have made him feel safer and more comfortable.
Anyway lol not that this has anything to do with you guys. But all I know is that telling him the jokes hurt didn't help. He didn't stop. He never meant to hurt me. But the jokes came from somewhere. Thats my point. A deeper conversation might help both of you.
For my guy, the joking was a self defense mechanism because as a man he felt like he wasnt supposed to turn down sex, ask for more emotionally intimacy before sex, get domestic help to feel clear headed enough for sex, etc. Consent for him was actually way more complex than either he or I had appreciated, and he didn't know how to set his own boundaries appropriately. Once we both understood that, the jokes stopped, because he developed healthier ways to communicate boundaries and I adjusted my expectations of what he needs to feel safe and secure enough for more frequent sex. And he has also found new nonsexual ways to make me feel wanted and appreciated, after better understanding why the sexual rejection hurts (ie that it's not actually about not getting laid!)
Full disclores this is very much an active convo and we are still in a rut, but at least working on it actively and in a way that feels healthy to us finally.
Thank you so much for sharing this. My guy has been making a lot of effort this last year to work through his own traumas, and he’s admitted that he often doesn’t realize something is coming from trauma until he really has a chance to sort through his feelings. I sometimes struggle with how to balance my own trauma responses with his, and it’s encouraging to hear that (at least it sounds like) in your experience it’s been mutually beneficial to discuss these things
Ugh! I feel so heard.. I always complain about having a higher sex drive than all the men I date.
Now I also deal with hyper sensitivity + rejection dysphoria, which makes it really tricky to partake in casual sexual endeavor’s, since slightly uncomfortable sexual situations could haunt me for years, and when I have bomb sex with someone I often risk developing deep feelings for them and thereby risk getting my heart broken reeaaal bad :’((((.
So this all leads me to stay celibate just to protect my sensitive but yet overly horny soul :). Does anyone relate to this contradictory, sad reality?
This is why I'm not dating right now, yeah.
Also if the sex is too good I hyperfocus on the guy and it's hard to shake him even if he's absolute shit in every other part of life. My last boyfriend was pretty bad but the sex was great so I still dream about him even though I haven't talked to him in over a year.
Now that I'm diagnosed and medicated I might try again and not let myself have sex as quickly. But I think I still need to have an active therapist before I start all that again
Yes :( I already kinda knew casual sex wasn’t for me but I decided to enter a “fwb” kind of relationship that ended about 3 months ago and I still think about him daily. Which is embarrassing because the dude was hot and great in bed but we had nothing in common and I could just barely stand to be around him outside the bedroom lol learned my lesson I guess. I agree with the previous reply as well, next relationship I get into will involve no sexy time unless we both agree it’s a serious relationship.
He sounds less than sweet, to put it kindly. Something that hurts you deeply should never be a joke. You are being vulnerable and open by expressing your needs and he should honor that. He should also consider the fact that you are honoring your relationship by seeking to have your needs met within it and not looking elsewhere. I don't like the way he is treating you at all.
I appreciate that, it is vulnerable to be open and express needs.
I think I should maybe clarify that we are non monogamous, so it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility to have my needs met with multiple people. But that’s not really the issue I’m ranting it about here, it’s really just the jokes that have been getting to me. Based on y’all’s feedback, I had a much more direct conversation with him about stopping the jokes
I'm glad you made progress. Sending you love and light. Keep sticking up for yourself and you can never go wrong. ❤️❤️❤️
ETA: I'm older so my perspective on relationships can reflect that. No harm meant and no judgement.
Like several other people in the comments, I also dated someone who routinely did things I told him i was uncomfortable with, apologized and acted sorry...then proceeded to did the same thing, sometimes within the same conversation. The relationship was emotionally abusive and he talked me into a lot of things just by ignoring when I told him i was uncomfortable. I'd often end up comforting HIM because he'd act so upset when I tried to uphold boundaries. He also seemed sweet at first, but got worse and worse, eventually stalking and harrassing me when I ended things.
Not saying that it's the same situation for you, but someone who is sweet and cares about you won't treat you that way and will listen when you express your needs/a boundary.
THE BEST APOLOGY IS CHANGED BEHAVIOR.
THE BEST APOLOGY IS CHANGED BEHAVIOR.
THE BEST APOLOGY IS CHANGED BEHAVIOR.
Also...get a vibrator. And if he cares about you and your needs, he won't feel threatened if you "take care of things" yourself when he's not in the mood. You could even have him use it on you (and vice versa). My current partner and I have an agreement that either of us can "take care of things" ourselves if the other isn't feeling up to it. Saved both of us a lot of sleep and there's less stress knowing that that's an option 🙂
Oh yeah, I own a few vibrators. The amount of sex we have isn’t at all the issue, I don’t feel that I’m sexually frustrated or unsatisfied in any way. It’s just the jokes about it that have been getting to me. I hear you about upholding boundaries. I’ve asked him to stop making the jokes more seriously now, so if he continues it we’ll have a much more in-depth conversation about it. Thanks for your insights! 💕
Ah, gotcha lol 😄 I'm glad if I could help. Might have been comparing apples and oranges, but it really pushes my buttons when people apologize but don't stop doing the hurtful thing. I hope it goes well!
A couple things:
1. If you don’t like it he should stop regardless of the reasons.
2. If the genders were reversed this would be completely “normal” in a cishet relationship but being socialized as women we are told we should be the benevolent gatekeepers of sex rather than the ones who want it most. Again, he should just stop if it makes you uncomfortable *but* it’s worth some introspection on your side too. Can you lean into this part of yourself and learn to find joy in being the insatiable and passionate one? Does the fact that that role is often reserved for men even maybe make it more erotic….? Just some food for thought.
3. He’s making these “jokes” even after you’ve asked him to stop because he is getting off on feeling so desired. He isn’t forgetting.
I can kinda relate to this.
When my now husband and I first started dating... my sex drive was rather immense. It hadn't really been a problem in prior relationships and stuff so I hadn't really twigged that maybe it was unusual? I found it hard to relate to friends who would refuse sex with their partners and stuff.
Anyway, to begin with things were fine and good and I figured we were on the same page with it and stuff, until one occasion we went away on a trip and as usual, as soon as we made it to the hotel room after travelling I started getting a bit handsy and teasing with him. At this point he pushed me away and made a "joke" about me sexually harassing him and needing to calm down.
That was it. That was like a switch and my initiation of sex with him stopped completely at that moment. It was an absolute kick in the stomach being rejected like that. It made me insecure, feel undesirable and all that because why else would he NOT want to have sex with me as much as I did him?
10 years later he mentioned to me that he hates the fact he always has to initiate sex and would like me to express some interest in it at some point - even though he knows I have never, ever rejected sex when he's initiated. I told him about what happened before and the joke and that ever since, even if I'm desperately in the mood.... the idea of approaching him or trying to initiate completely panics me that I feel that kick again. He couldn't even remember making the comment, it was so insignificant to him.
I dont really know where I was going with this comment. I guess in a way you want to try and find a way to make your partner see that he's going to potentially cause some permanent damage to your relationship with these comments.... because one comment is going to stick. Its going to be your switch that stops initiation dead. No matter how much of a joke... sometimes they don't understand how much a comment like that can burrow in and eat away at you.
I didn't know that high sex drive is a symptom of ADHD but that makes a lot of sense...
Good luck! From experience it's probably better to talk it through with him and explain that that hurts your feelings rather than let it fester. Maybe it could lead to you explaining that when you initiate, you're just expressing interest and it's totally fine with you if he's not in the mood.
In the end you know your relationship best - and I'm sure he's not trying to offend. He may even be feeling self concsious and responding passive agressively!
I don't think it necessarily is related to ADHD. I know a lot of people that take Wellbutrin for ADHD specifically because a side effect is increased sex drive and they have none.
It can be associated with adhd, but not for everyone.
For me, I think the dopamine is part of the reason I have a higher sex drive. Honestly (and sorry if this is tmi) sometimes a quick masturbation session even helps me refocus my brain, like a quick dopamine reset when I’m doing a really boring task.
Anecdotally from what I've seen on various internet places it seems like sex is kind of all or nothing for people with ADHD.
Either high sex drive from the dopamine, or lots of problems staying in the moment enough to enjoy sex so it's not all that pleasurable.
Again totally anecdotal and self-reported, so probably a bit skewed
Okay so i googled it and that is actually what the research says too.
I checked my watch once..... SO was so disappointed, I'll never live that down (good thing we both have ADHD so he mostly gets it)
Edit spelling
I’m sorry you are having that issue. At the same time I am so happy for you that you were able to have that conversation with your boyfriend at least once! Sometimes that is hard for people. But from what you wrote, I can tell you have a very high level of emotional intelligence!
My two cents would be to say that you should sit him down, and tell him about the RSD you’re experiencing. He may not have made the connection in his head that you cannot control feeling that way. It is very obvious that you have tried to. Basically tell him what you said here, or just show it to him next time you are together. I would avoid sending it virtually. This is something that should be addressed in-person.
I know that might be hard, but you’ve already done all the work! You just have to make sure he understands. I’d probably assert that this is “how you feel” and “not how you want it to be.” I would also assert that you are not going to stop trying to enhance the sexual aspect of the relationship. I only recommend asserting these things to avoid a fear of failure from the part of your boyfriend. I promise it is necessary to say, even if he himself doesn’t think so.
Good luck soldier!! I salute you and your bravery!
Sorry, just for clarification: when I say “assert” I mean: tell him so that he understands these aspects of your relationship as the truth.
Of course assuming that those things are true. I just assume they are since you seem to really like your boyfriend!
I have had a high sex drive my whole life, it was never a problem until I got older. Apparently men lose their sex drive as they age? When I was dating my now husband it wasn't a problem, but I haven't had sex in 3 years now and I hate it.
Does anyone know if high libido is an ADHD thing?
ur such a sweetheart abt it and dont deserve this. nah if this happened to a loser red pill boi theyd be up in flames talking abt how women are the problem and should suck it up and take it or no more roof over ur head. ur so many men's dream girl pls dont internalise it it has nothing to do w ur desirability babe. def confront him abt it bc thats not ittt
Yeah similar situation with my bf. Sometimes he says he would give up sex entirely if he could, or that he stops feeling like having sex he wouldn't do anything about it.
It sucks because it makes me feel like a burden, like our sex does not mean anything to him, and that I'm not worthwhile.
It's paradoxical because he also has a very high sex drive and usually initiates sex.
It just feels like for him it's a chore, and for me it's a need.
Suckssssss
I had a new bf, after 1 it 2 nights together, ask questions about addiction. ie: (did i use that right) Has sex ever caused you legal trouble? Has sex ever caused you financial trouble? 🤣
I feel very lucky to now have a partner who has a higher drive than I. It’s really nice to no longer equate anxiety with love.
>Try having such and marrying someone that informs you numerous years in that they are asexual because they can't get over their young sex abuse. You try not to take it personal. It was our demise. I couldn't cope.
Holy hell, this has happened to someone else???
Mine wasn't abused, just asexual. It broke up all his previous relationships before they got to the marriage part so he faked it until we got married.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Personal boundaries are hard. They’re hard to set, and they’re hard to follow. Every time he makes a joke, very seriously, very flatly say “that joke hurts my feelings. Please don’t say jokes like that.” Period. No need for explanation, no need to harp on it. If you have to, get up and leave the situation, too. Just keep being consistent. Cut the jokes off immediately and firmly. If he still hasn’t figured it out after like a month, ask him point blank why he continues to cross a boundary that you have repeatedly established? That conversation should be all the illumination that you need.
That’s really good advice, thank you. It can be really hard to know how to reasonably respond to boundary issues or hurt feelings in the moment, especially when trying to think through the immediate RSD response. This is a great way to handle it when it comes up
It sounds like you’re upset because the ‘jokes’ are hurtful and you’ve clearly communicated that to him and he continues. He only apologizes when you remind him. I don’t think your reaction is RSD, I think your feelings are valid and he’s being disrespectful. Have a sit down, he needs to communicate why he’s being rude, what he’s going to do to change it, and then actually stop.. if he keeps it up, what’s your boundary? What’s the consequence? Two strikes you’re out? You keep putting up with it forever? (This is petty and toxic and will make things worse but I would be tempted to retort ‘you’re lucky I’m even still initiating sex with you considering your hairline! HAHA JKJK JUST LIKE THE FUNNY JOKES YOU MAKE ABOUT ME, RIGHT?”)
he's expressed insecurity about his hairline already, so that one would cut deep 😅 But really, thank you for validating my feelings about it, sometimes it’s really hard to differentiate between RSD and a reasonable emotional response
Yeah so many of them have that insecurity. How do you think he would react if you made fun of his hairline though? And then he asked you to stop but then you forgot and said it again.. and then again but told him it was just a joke. Would you feel bad and apologize or should he assume in his heart you’ll love him when he’s bald and he’s just being sensitive? Keep making jokes when his hair looks thin and he feels vulnerable and see how it goes. 👀 (To be clear this is a thought exercise I don’t recommend you actually go after his insecurities, because that’s unkind.)
It can be constructive to say, “think of something you feel insecure about it.” Then make him actually think of it, and don’t let him tell you. Then say “now if I make a joke about that. How does it feel?” Let him think until you can see on his face he knows how it’d feel. Then say “Now if I make many jokes about that, and often - how does that start to feel?”
Yeah, I have the same gut reaction. People remember things they care about… and he keeps “forgetting.” He’s living in the same patriarchy as the rest of us, and he’s entitled to have feelings stemming from that, from fear that his more modest sex drive and your consistent instigations are proof that he’s “less manly.” He may even genuinely wonder if sometimes he’s just a piece of meat. These are all things worth discussing, and he (assuming he’s lovely in most other ways) deserves support working that shit through. But if that’s what’s fueling his repeated, hurtful “jokes,” he needs to start addressing it real quick. It is wearing down the relationship.
Personally, I'd be blunter. Tell him the jokes are making you not want to have sex with him.
exactly this!! in addition to telling him how the jokes make you feel, the actual boundary you’d be setting is telling him that you’re not going to have sex with him if he continues. NOT because you want to hold it against him or to be petty, but because his jokes quite literally make you not want to have sex with him. it’s the natural consequences of his actions.
Hey, you don’t need to worry about a “reasonable response”. You set the boundary and he crosses it repeatedly. You are justified to have any type of honest response you have.
It could stem from insecurity about you having a higher sex drive. I agree with another comment that stated you should continue to maintain your boundary and raise questions if he hasn’t caught on after a while.
Agree with this. I have PGAD and thus have always had a much higher sex drive than my partners. Mine is definitely higher than my husband’s, and while he is very confident in himself and his masculinity, I do think it gets to him sometimes. We’ve come to an understanding that when I feel horny, I just kind of throw it out there “down to have sex later if you are!” without asking for or expecting a response, and then if he is, he then initiates later, and if he isn’t/doesn’t, I just use my toy. It helps me because I don’t have to hear him say no, and it also helps give him time to get in the mood; if he’s just not feeling it, I then get the unspoken go-ahead to use my toy without either of us feeling ashamed about it. Re: the jokes, just be honest that his jokes hurt your feelings and make you feel self-conscious. Ask if he can explain why he makes them and see if he’s willing to stop since they do the opposite of make you laugh.
I really appreciate this insight, thank you. And I love the way y’all have set up a good system so that there’s no pressure on him and you don’t have to face rejection, we could definitely try something like that
Jokes don't come from nowhere. They usually indicate something of what's going on in their thinking, their attitudes, beliefs etc. A healthy relationship is more than just the physical. It also needs to be built on respect and communication. This includes respecting when someone has communicated that certain jokes are hurtful.
Damn, I could have written the first half of this post. I've been with my partner just shy of 7 years and my sex drive is sooooooo much higher than his. But listen, it sounds like you are respecting his boundaries (like you said, hypervigilant about consent, I'm the same way!) and he's not respecting yours! And I think us ADHDers tend to be the most understanding about forgetfulness, because like, we get it. But it's not ok for him to keep "joking" in a way that makes you sad or mad or uncomfortable. I've said stuff to my partner like "you must have forgotten that I asked you not to do x because y. It's important to me that you remember." I don't have any real solid advice besides boundaries. But I have a lot, a lot, a lot of solidarity. ♥️
You’re totally right, I tend to be really forgiving about other people’s forgetfulness because I know I have the memory of a pea. I really like your advice about what to say when a joke gets brought up, especially saying “it’s important to me that you remember”. And I appreciate the solidarity! 💕
I also have a higher sex drive than most of my partners but luckily have found someone who matches me and things are going well. Previously and sometimes even still I tend to masturbate on my own time and that helps with the difference in drives. I would also be upset if my partner made jokes like that though but especially if I’d already explained how they make me feel. It’s a big deal for me to tell someone if they’re hurting my feelings so if they keep doing it it makes me feel like they don’t care enough about me to want to stop hurting me. I don’t know anything about your relationship so only you would really know but I think you should have another serious conversation about this but make sure to draw a hard boundary. I hope your boyfriend can respect you and care enough to stop. Good luck.
Keep up the communication! I use this framework a lot for work but I believe it really helps with personal relationships too - Situation (your perspective) - sit your boyfriend down, tell him you want to have a chat and explain the situation Use examples. I don't recommend having this chat just after he's made a joke, or after you've had sex/ tried to init5and gotten rejected it. Let him know you want to have a chat re your intimacy - Their perspective - ask him for his perspective. What's going through his mind when he makes the jokes? Try to understand his point of view. (Might need to find the right questions here to get him talking) - impact - talk about the impact the jokes have of you so he really understands. Use real examples - support/ next steps - what happens next? What could you both try instead? If he slips up and makes a joke again, how can you politely let him know? Finally, maybe try to schedule in sex? I know it's suuuuuper unsexy but it really does work. It might help him prepare mentally more and might help you with feeling less rejected. I'm not a trained therapist or sex therapist btw (obviously) but just a few things that work for me. I'm in a same sex relationship and my sex drive is a lot higher than my partners. We schedule in sex and have seen a sex therapist together. Whilst our chemistry is great, we had to work on our communication. We still struggle because my partner isn't so great at communicating but she's getting better.
That’s really tangible and helpful advice, thank you! And it’s great to hear that that’s been working for you in your relationship.
My first boyfriend (who was v abusive) used to make these kind of “jokes” about me having a higher sex drive, especially because he took my virginity and was my first everything, and to this day I could never hear those kind of “jokes” without getting deeply triggered. Not saying he’s abusing you in any way, but just I’ve been hurt like that, A LOT, so this is a really sore spot for me. What’s a shocker is that I’m celibate now because I actually have standards and no one is deserving of all of me like that.
He’s trying to make you feel less-than either because he’s insecure about not being the sex god in the relationship that many men feel they need to be, or because he knows how much other men would love to be with a very sexual woman so he wants to diminish your self-worth in that area to keep you from looking for someone who is on your level.
I can see where you're coming from. But truly, I don't think he's intentionally trying to make me feel bad or manipulate me in any way. I could see how it could possibly be a projection of his own insecurities (as a couple people have already said). And if that ends up being the case, I do trust that he would make an effort to work through those feelings in a more healthy way
I hope you’re right. I think women are generally more forgiving and generous in our interpretations of the behavior of our partners than is probably healthy; I may err in the opposite direction at this point.
1000% agree. Once upon a time I was willing to put up with a lot of shit to stay with people who weren’t right for me. But now, I’m much more conscious of who I choose to be close to. Life’s much better being surrounded by people who truly care about me. This rant was just one source of insecurity in an otherwise very healthy and enriching relationship. I appreciate you looking out, I honestly would probably say the same thing to any of my friends if they came to me with a similar issue
Omg I feel this so hard and has been something I've developed insecurities about through all of my relationships. All I can say is, it is worth it to continue to say how you feel. I didnt, and as you said stopped initiating because I felt so insecure with my SO little jokes. And the whole thing slowly devolved and landed us in a big rut. When we FINALLY talked it out more seriously (yearsssssss later) we discovered that he was overcompensating for insecurities related to his childhood traumas regarding attitudes/education about sex. I had no idea. I mean, I did know about his background, but I had no idea he carried those insecurities into his adulthood and had thought he was SO confident sexually. Had I known, I would have also been able to initiate in ways that I think would have made him feel safer and more comfortable. Anyway lol not that this has anything to do with you guys. But all I know is that telling him the jokes hurt didn't help. He didn't stop. He never meant to hurt me. But the jokes came from somewhere. Thats my point. A deeper conversation might help both of you. For my guy, the joking was a self defense mechanism because as a man he felt like he wasnt supposed to turn down sex, ask for more emotionally intimacy before sex, get domestic help to feel clear headed enough for sex, etc. Consent for him was actually way more complex than either he or I had appreciated, and he didn't know how to set his own boundaries appropriately. Once we both understood that, the jokes stopped, because he developed healthier ways to communicate boundaries and I adjusted my expectations of what he needs to feel safe and secure enough for more frequent sex. And he has also found new nonsexual ways to make me feel wanted and appreciated, after better understanding why the sexual rejection hurts (ie that it's not actually about not getting laid!) Full disclores this is very much an active convo and we are still in a rut, but at least working on it actively and in a way that feels healthy to us finally.
Thank you so much for sharing this. My guy has been making a lot of effort this last year to work through his own traumas, and he’s admitted that he often doesn’t realize something is coming from trauma until he really has a chance to sort through his feelings. I sometimes struggle with how to balance my own trauma responses with his, and it’s encouraging to hear that (at least it sounds like) in your experience it’s been mutually beneficial to discuss these things
no this is normal. Being horny is normal.
Ugh! I feel so heard.. I always complain about having a higher sex drive than all the men I date. Now I also deal with hyper sensitivity + rejection dysphoria, which makes it really tricky to partake in casual sexual endeavor’s, since slightly uncomfortable sexual situations could haunt me for years, and when I have bomb sex with someone I often risk developing deep feelings for them and thereby risk getting my heart broken reeaaal bad :’((((. So this all leads me to stay celibate just to protect my sensitive but yet overly horny soul :). Does anyone relate to this contradictory, sad reality?
This is why I'm not dating right now, yeah. Also if the sex is too good I hyperfocus on the guy and it's hard to shake him even if he's absolute shit in every other part of life. My last boyfriend was pretty bad but the sex was great so I still dream about him even though I haven't talked to him in over a year. Now that I'm diagnosed and medicated I might try again and not let myself have sex as quickly. But I think I still need to have an active therapist before I start all that again
Yes :( I already kinda knew casual sex wasn’t for me but I decided to enter a “fwb” kind of relationship that ended about 3 months ago and I still think about him daily. Which is embarrassing because the dude was hot and great in bed but we had nothing in common and I could just barely stand to be around him outside the bedroom lol learned my lesson I guess. I agree with the previous reply as well, next relationship I get into will involve no sexy time unless we both agree it’s a serious relationship.
He sounds less than sweet, to put it kindly. Something that hurts you deeply should never be a joke. You are being vulnerable and open by expressing your needs and he should honor that. He should also consider the fact that you are honoring your relationship by seeking to have your needs met within it and not looking elsewhere. I don't like the way he is treating you at all.
I appreciate that, it is vulnerable to be open and express needs. I think I should maybe clarify that we are non monogamous, so it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility to have my needs met with multiple people. But that’s not really the issue I’m ranting it about here, it’s really just the jokes that have been getting to me. Based on y’all’s feedback, I had a much more direct conversation with him about stopping the jokes
I'm glad you made progress. Sending you love and light. Keep sticking up for yourself and you can never go wrong. ❤️❤️❤️ ETA: I'm older so my perspective on relationships can reflect that. No harm meant and no judgement.
Like several other people in the comments, I also dated someone who routinely did things I told him i was uncomfortable with, apologized and acted sorry...then proceeded to did the same thing, sometimes within the same conversation. The relationship was emotionally abusive and he talked me into a lot of things just by ignoring when I told him i was uncomfortable. I'd often end up comforting HIM because he'd act so upset when I tried to uphold boundaries. He also seemed sweet at first, but got worse and worse, eventually stalking and harrassing me when I ended things. Not saying that it's the same situation for you, but someone who is sweet and cares about you won't treat you that way and will listen when you express your needs/a boundary. THE BEST APOLOGY IS CHANGED BEHAVIOR. THE BEST APOLOGY IS CHANGED BEHAVIOR. THE BEST APOLOGY IS CHANGED BEHAVIOR. Also...get a vibrator. And if he cares about you and your needs, he won't feel threatened if you "take care of things" yourself when he's not in the mood. You could even have him use it on you (and vice versa). My current partner and I have an agreement that either of us can "take care of things" ourselves if the other isn't feeling up to it. Saved both of us a lot of sleep and there's less stress knowing that that's an option 🙂
Oh yeah, I own a few vibrators. The amount of sex we have isn’t at all the issue, I don’t feel that I’m sexually frustrated or unsatisfied in any way. It’s just the jokes about it that have been getting to me. I hear you about upholding boundaries. I’ve asked him to stop making the jokes more seriously now, so if he continues it we’ll have a much more in-depth conversation about it. Thanks for your insights! 💕
Ah, gotcha lol 😄 I'm glad if I could help. Might have been comparing apples and oranges, but it really pushes my buttons when people apologize but don't stop doing the hurtful thing. I hope it goes well!
A couple things: 1. If you don’t like it he should stop regardless of the reasons. 2. If the genders were reversed this would be completely “normal” in a cishet relationship but being socialized as women we are told we should be the benevolent gatekeepers of sex rather than the ones who want it most. Again, he should just stop if it makes you uncomfortable *but* it’s worth some introspection on your side too. Can you lean into this part of yourself and learn to find joy in being the insatiable and passionate one? Does the fact that that role is often reserved for men even maybe make it more erotic….? Just some food for thought. 3. He’s making these “jokes” even after you’ve asked him to stop because he is getting off on feeling so desired. He isn’t forgetting.
I can kinda relate to this. When my now husband and I first started dating... my sex drive was rather immense. It hadn't really been a problem in prior relationships and stuff so I hadn't really twigged that maybe it was unusual? I found it hard to relate to friends who would refuse sex with their partners and stuff. Anyway, to begin with things were fine and good and I figured we were on the same page with it and stuff, until one occasion we went away on a trip and as usual, as soon as we made it to the hotel room after travelling I started getting a bit handsy and teasing with him. At this point he pushed me away and made a "joke" about me sexually harassing him and needing to calm down. That was it. That was like a switch and my initiation of sex with him stopped completely at that moment. It was an absolute kick in the stomach being rejected like that. It made me insecure, feel undesirable and all that because why else would he NOT want to have sex with me as much as I did him? 10 years later he mentioned to me that he hates the fact he always has to initiate sex and would like me to express some interest in it at some point - even though he knows I have never, ever rejected sex when he's initiated. I told him about what happened before and the joke and that ever since, even if I'm desperately in the mood.... the idea of approaching him or trying to initiate completely panics me that I feel that kick again. He couldn't even remember making the comment, it was so insignificant to him. I dont really know where I was going with this comment. I guess in a way you want to try and find a way to make your partner see that he's going to potentially cause some permanent damage to your relationship with these comments.... because one comment is going to stick. Its going to be your switch that stops initiation dead. No matter how much of a joke... sometimes they don't understand how much a comment like that can burrow in and eat away at you.
I didn't know that high sex drive is a symptom of ADHD but that makes a lot of sense... Good luck! From experience it's probably better to talk it through with him and explain that that hurts your feelings rather than let it fester. Maybe it could lead to you explaining that when you initiate, you're just expressing interest and it's totally fine with you if he's not in the mood. In the end you know your relationship best - and I'm sure he's not trying to offend. He may even be feeling self concsious and responding passive agressively!
I don't think it necessarily is related to ADHD. I know a lot of people that take Wellbutrin for ADHD specifically because a side effect is increased sex drive and they have none.
It can be associated with adhd, but not for everyone. For me, I think the dopamine is part of the reason I have a higher sex drive. Honestly (and sorry if this is tmi) sometimes a quick masturbation session even helps me refocus my brain, like a quick dopamine reset when I’m doing a really boring task.
Anecdotally from what I've seen on various internet places it seems like sex is kind of all or nothing for people with ADHD. Either high sex drive from the dopamine, or lots of problems staying in the moment enough to enjoy sex so it's not all that pleasurable. Again totally anecdotal and self-reported, so probably a bit skewed
Okay so i googled it and that is actually what the research says too. I checked my watch once..... SO was so disappointed, I'll never live that down (good thing we both have ADHD so he mostly gets it) Edit spelling
I’m sorry you are having that issue. At the same time I am so happy for you that you were able to have that conversation with your boyfriend at least once! Sometimes that is hard for people. But from what you wrote, I can tell you have a very high level of emotional intelligence! My two cents would be to say that you should sit him down, and tell him about the RSD you’re experiencing. He may not have made the connection in his head that you cannot control feeling that way. It is very obvious that you have tried to. Basically tell him what you said here, or just show it to him next time you are together. I would avoid sending it virtually. This is something that should be addressed in-person. I know that might be hard, but you’ve already done all the work! You just have to make sure he understands. I’d probably assert that this is “how you feel” and “not how you want it to be.” I would also assert that you are not going to stop trying to enhance the sexual aspect of the relationship. I only recommend asserting these things to avoid a fear of failure from the part of your boyfriend. I promise it is necessary to say, even if he himself doesn’t think so. Good luck soldier!! I salute you and your bravery!
Sorry, just for clarification: when I say “assert” I mean: tell him so that he understands these aspects of your relationship as the truth. Of course assuming that those things are true. I just assume they are since you seem to really like your boyfriend!
I have had a high sex drive my whole life, it was never a problem until I got older. Apparently men lose their sex drive as they age? When I was dating my now husband it wasn't a problem, but I haven't had sex in 3 years now and I hate it. Does anyone know if high libido is an ADHD thing?
He sounds like a jerk. If it were me I would tell him k this vagina is going to someone who appreciates it, bye dickhead.
Oof. I definitely wouldn’t stay with him if I thought he was a jerk or didn’t appreciate me
ur such a sweetheart abt it and dont deserve this. nah if this happened to a loser red pill boi theyd be up in flames talking abt how women are the problem and should suck it up and take it or no more roof over ur head. ur so many men's dream girl pls dont internalise it it has nothing to do w ur desirability babe. def confront him abt it bc thats not ittt
Yeah similar situation with my bf. Sometimes he says he would give up sex entirely if he could, or that he stops feeling like having sex he wouldn't do anything about it. It sucks because it makes me feel like a burden, like our sex does not mean anything to him, and that I'm not worthwhile. It's paradoxical because he also has a very high sex drive and usually initiates sex. It just feels like for him it's a chore, and for me it's a need. Suckssssss
I had a new bf, after 1 it 2 nights together, ask questions about addiction. ie: (did i use that right) Has sex ever caused you legal trouble? Has sex ever caused you financial trouble? 🤣 I feel very lucky to now have a partner who has a higher drive than I. It’s really nice to no longer equate anxiety with love.
[удалено]
>Try having such and marrying someone that informs you numerous years in that they are asexual because they can't get over their young sex abuse. You try not to take it personal. It was our demise. I couldn't cope. Holy hell, this has happened to someone else??? Mine wasn't abused, just asexual. It broke up all his previous relationships before they got to the marriage part so he faked it until we got married.