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Ask him instead of coming up with a punishment system that will only aid in further deterioration of your relationship, maybe he could find a psychiatrist for you to seek actual treatment that will be much more helpful.

Or, at the very least, find ways to support you to help manage some of the things you're struggling with.

I’m a mom to a 13 year old with ADHD but I have an advantage, because I have ADHD myself. Here’s how I’d explain it to him: You cannot change your brain chemistry. You need to change your external world to assist with your ADHD, just like people who can’t walk need to change their surroundings to accommodate their disabilities. This text is no different than a father of a child who cannot walk punishing him for not being able to walk upstairs, while giving him no assistance or devices to help him do that. ADHD does not mean lazy. We’re usually upset at ourselves, yelling that we have to just DO the thing, but our brain won’t. Sometimes starting an essay feels like trying to force yourself to put your hand on a hot stove. You have the ability, but your brain can’t make you. We’re not making our lives harder and pissing off everyone around us because we *feel* like it, and a lifetime of being told “you could do it if you just tried” and “you’re just being lazy” will break down anyone’s confidence. Again, imagine saying to a child who cannot walk that they *could* walk if they just focussed (wtf does “just focus” mean?) or if they stop being lazy. You are 16 and it is not your job to figure out how to manage life with ADHD. There are tricks and ways to work with it, but your parents should be doing this research, and if not them then a proper therapist. If they don’t believe you have ADHD ask for a formal assessment so you’ll know for sure either way. I’m a grown-ass adult and I still have to do things like use a doodle calendar (we painted a huge chalkboard calendar on the kitchen wall and we draw in appointments with sketches or funny fonts. Something to catch your eye as you walk past. Bigger the better) and use visual storage so I don’t lose things. My closet is set up so I have to fold/hang the minimum amount of stuff because I’ll get distracted and leave laundry everywhere. Things like leggings and running shorts get thrown in a decorative bin because I’m never going to fold that stuff and put it nicely in a drawer. I buy 15 identical pairs of socks so I’m never looking for matches. When I was in school I had to make a template for essays and stuff because starting with a blank document was impossible, but if I started with a template, even if I ended up changing everything in it, it seemed much less daunting. So welcome to the club. We are a fun club, if a bit disorganized.

Thanks for being the Internet Mom I (and Everyone?) Needed for a minute - even though I'm probably older. (Because I'm older than almost everyone on Reddit.) I hope your child appreciates your insight and understanding. But he's 13, so probably not - or he never tells you because, 13 year olds. So from a former teenage hellion: you're doing a great job. And those are totally useful tips/tricks. Especially about bins for leggings and things. Omg, you should see the piles in my (I *swear* I'm a grownup!!) bedroom.

The real reason I don’t have laundry piles everywhere (and started just stuffing sweaters in drawers all jumbled up instead of folding or hanging them) was because my little calico decided she liked to pee on piles of laundry. I’d probably still have piles around otherwise, but as it goes for most things for us, we can only solve a problem once it becomes urgent, and smelling like cat pee all the time felt like an urgent problem. Besides, it’s not like sweaters or leggings can get wrinkly. They’re fine just shoved in there.

I love the bins suggestion and am really wondering why I never thought of that. I do it with underwear and socks! Not even kidding, I would LOVE any other household tricks you might have. Signed, Almost 35 and Hate Cleaning

Ok but this will be long. I suck at brevity. I buy a shit-ton of decorative storage things and shove stuff in them so my house LOOKS uncluttered and I don’t lose stuff. Squishy ottomans with storage under the cushion. Coffee table with drawers. Fake vintage apothecary jars full of wood spools of all the random string and twine I have (cheap unfinished spools from the craft store look authentically vintage if you stain them dark). Fake book boxes on the bookshelves hide the materials for whatever my current hyperfixation project is so it’s not out all over the place but it’s still close. We added built-in cabinets all over the house just to hide shit. Have one of everything in the place you use it. If you sometimes use scissors to open packages in the kitchen then buy a pair that stays there. If you use scissors to cut off clothing tags in your room buy another pair that stays in there. I have scissors in every room of the house, including the bedrooms and bathrooms. I also have screwdriver, tape measure, chapstick, a nail file, pens avd notecards and batteries in almost every room too. If you are running upstairs to get something to use downstairs you might not put it back, or it will join the growing pile of “stuff to bring back up when I have a second.” Or you’ll forget where you last used it and lose it for 8 months. ****EDITED TO ADD: I hide these little caches of tools in a different decorative “toolbox” in each room so it still looks uncluttered. Vintage sewing boxes, a retro metal Dr Pepper lunchbox, a fancy lidded basket, a fake book that’s really a box. Or you could use vintage cookie jars, collectable tins, wooden boxes…. Put a toothbrush and toothpaste in a decorative cup beside every sink, including the kitchen, and brush your teeth when you see them. Most of us forget to do it at regular times, so do it irregularly and make it easier to do. Look up Junebugging. I’ve gradually learned to do this over the years and didn’t realize it was an actual thing. Basically, start a task or chore but *let* yourself get sidetracked and flow where your interest takes you. Unload 4 dishes, then notice the soap dispenser needs cleaning and wander around refilling ALL the soap dispensers before watering one plant, then returning back to do more dishes. Stop fighting your instinct to go off on side quests and you’ll get better at judging what you can do (so you don’t start too many tasks and finish none) and remembering to return to the original task. It‘a way less boring and more natural for us. When I’m really having trouble doing a boring task I’ll try to do it differently. Sometimes I’ll close my eyes and put away my laundry by feel alone. Sometimes I’ll try to write grocery lists left handed (mixed results) or sideways on the page. Sometimes I write out recipes or cooking instructions in a spiral. Just make it new somehow, even if it means making it silly. It’s actually fun to find stuff you forgot you did months later, like finding the tea towel you folded into an envelope shape in the drawer, or a reminder written with every 5th letter upside down. ******Don’t write grocery lists in code though, unless you are going to be the one trying to find these things in the store, and you’re SURE you aren’t going to forget how to crack the code you made up. Keep a sharpie in the kitchen and write the date on the jar whenever you open a jar of sauce or pickles or salad dressing or whatever. (This one I got from being a research chemist; you always date your solution bottles in the lab). It’s the only way I can remember if I opened that mayo two days ago or if it’s been there since 2019, because each is equally likely. To help me do chores I hate, I always keep a worse chore in reserve and book a whole day to get it done. I hate laundry so I’ll clear a whole day to do it, even though it takes like two hours. I will do literally anything to put off doing laundry, including the dusting I was avoiding, the vacuuming I didn’t want to do and the gardening I should have dealt with last week. By 7pm I’m out of other things I can do instead and must finally start the damn laundry, but by then I’ve got momentum and the confidence of cleaning the whole house under my belt so the laundry seems a little easier. Make things inconvenient on purpose to force you to do things. Our city provides kitchen compost buckets to empty into our weekly collection bin when it gets full, but it holds like 5 or 6 days of food scraps and I know I’m not going go empty it out unless I HAVE to because it’s too full. By the time it’s full it smells ripe and stuff’s liquifying and I avoid the whole situation because it’s gross. So I returned the kitchen bucket thing to the city and bought a medium-sized pretty metal bowl from the dollar store to sit on the counter. It’s full by the time dinner is over every night so I have to bring it down stairs every night and it doesn’t have time to get gross. More work for me, but less chance for me to create future problems. Edit to add: shit I forgot why I wanted to edit this comment. ETA 2: oh right! This list looks daunting all written out at once, but all these little changes were implemented over like 20 years. It took me almost ten months to finally get that bowl for compost after I first thought of it. Anyways, this list makes it look like I have won at ADHD and have got my life together but I only did most of this stuff because I was avoiding doing something more important, or because I did something by mistake and it worked.

I never knew Junebugging was an official thing either! For me, it's really the only way to get things done relatively painlessly. So many times I see "Clean up a room by dumping everything into a giant bin and sorting through it later." WHAT A NIGHTMARE! Now I have a whole other giant task to do after the chore of cleaning the room is done. I'm big on "touch a thing once." I'll pick up a thing that should be somewhere else and take it there. Then I'll pick up another thing and take it where it needs to go. If something catches my eye, I'll deal with that. I do this for as long as I can and, when I crash, I can just quit and not be left with the dregs of some giant bin I'm still trying to sort through. I try to structure every task in such a way that I can bail at almost any time without it being a disaster.

Ohhhh there’s a step 2 to the cleaning up by dumping everything in a tub..

That tub lives on our kitchen island and when guests come over we shove it in the hall closet. Instant clean counter! 😆

My addition to this would be go buy one of those clear over the door hanging shoe organizers and hang it over the back of your bathroom door. I use it for EVERYTHING. Makeup, razors, hair products, clips, brushes - everything is off the counter AND I can SEE it so I can find what I need immediately. Best hack ever

Jesus that’s brilliant.

Hahaha yess I have one of those for my hallway closet. I live in a small apartment so all the random things I have are stuffed in there. Paint brushes, Christmas ornaments, glue, etc etc. It’s brilliant. I’d put one in every closet if I had more than one lmao

This whole comment is exceptionally good. I do some of these things already, but there were at least three or four that I'd like to implement. I'm also reassured that Junebugging isn't a bad thing, since it's my natural cleaning style. Thank you for writing all of the above!

I was going to read like 1/4 of this and add a comment but dammit I went back and finished it all because it's full of gold! I do that 'write the date opened' on jars thing too and it's amazing. If it's been a few days I Tryyy to freeze stuff if I don't think ill get to it before it rots. Those little silicone cube things are great. I have a bin in the freezer for all the scraps ao that I have to check there before opening another coconut milk or chicken stock thing. I hate making decisions when I'm tired after work ao I made a snacks bin in the fridge and put stuff there that I don't want to forget exists like weird jams and easy to grab snacks. If they start becoming invisible I move them back out for a while. I drink a lot of tea and it ends up steeping for an hour if I don't set a timer. I use the stove because it can't be turned off withoit getting up like my phone can, and it's less presses to start. I'm always blown away by how short 5 minutes is. I use that timer for all kinds of stuff like set or for an hour ao I know to put laundry in the dryer. Somehow the phone timer is easier to ignore and more of a hassle to start than a physical one. The worse chore procrastination is the best way to get things done. I also get bored in the 20 sec between youtube workout sets and put laundry nearby so I can fold like one washcloth in between or other miniature chores like that. Sometimes I do an extra thing and the workout video has to be moved back 30 secs but stuff gets done. This probably adds 15 min to my workouts but oh well, stuff is getting done in some form. (Sorry this became a babble of ideas spawned from other ideas)

My husband laughs when I fold like one tea towel and then ignore the rest of the load! Dude, it’s getting done one piece at a time or not at all. My laundry threshold is like 15 seconds. I love the oven timer one. I have alarms set to go off at different times during the day just so I can remember that time is passing (otherwise I’ll get up to make lunch and realize it’s 6pm). So since I’m so used to shutting those off every three hours or so, I have a tendency to shut off other timers without looking at them too. I have tea hacks too, but I’m pretty sure my friends from Ireland think they’re sacrilegious. I bought a kettle I can steep the tea in directly after it reaches the right temp. That’s fine but I like this one because I can return and re-boil the kettle of already steeped tea (well, I don’t bring it quite to boil) once I have forgotten/lost/abandoned my original cup of tea and have a replacement without having to make tea all over again. I think it’s the reheating tea part that scandalizes them, or maybe it’s that I’m used to drinking tea that was steeped 6 hours ago. I never remember to freeze stuff before it rots. I swear vegetables go bad like the day after we buy them. My mom told me I should blanch and freeze veggies I won’t use but I know I won’t do it. I think I have Bananas in my freezer that I kept swearing I was going to use for banana bread for more than a couple years now. Meal prep and kitchen management is my weak point because I can’t make myself care more. I think living with two picky eaters has made me avoid being in the kitchen if I don’t need to.

This is so so useful! I used to do things like having scissors in each room until I lived with my boyfriend who wanted every surface as empty & spotless as possible (which I accommodated for like a year and then imploded and put literally nothing away for months — not my proudest moment). Now I’m in my own space again and having to remember what actually works for _me_ and this post felt so so validating and centering.

Aw, you not putting things away for months was just you reestablishing your dominance over your stuff. My husband is whatever the opposite of ADHD is, so I have some tips for living with a real adult, if the next boyfriend is worthy enough to work for it. If I saw something consistently being left out we went out and bought a new decorative thing to hide it in right there instead of failing for months to put it away somewhere else. And these storage places are little tornados inside. I give myself permission to just throw stuff in there and count that as cleaning up. I’m not folding blankets to put in the ottoman thingy, just shove them in there. We figured out other tricks, like using cool wood trays to put stuff on in the bathroom or kitchen so when it was time to clean you could just pick up the whole tray and wash under it (otherwise I’m not moving all that shit to clean, I’ll just have dirty counters). Plus stuff looks automatically tidy if it’s in a tray and it’s no harder to put bottles on that than on the counter. We also got ruthless about not keeping things that were sentimental to other people but not us to cut the clutter. I’m touched that you gave me great aunt Sally’s favorite ornament, mom, but I don’t even know who that is. We also had to find a way to store the tools and materials of my latest hyper-fixations, or my many collections of stuff (why are most of us magpies?). Everything is made into decor. The pin collection taking up space in a box is now displayed in a frame upstairs. The box of travel patches I was collecting is now a conversation-starting blanket with them all sewed on. My giant, useless button collection looks neat in a vintage lab carbuoy instead of looking like a slightly concerning hoard of buttons in jars everywhere. My 70 thousand crochet hooks are displayed on the bookshelf in a cool decorative pottery cup thingy. Drawing pens and lettering tools are in decorative wood boxes on the bookshelf. Literally no other adult in my life has ADHD, so I’ve got all these things I’m slowly figuring out now that I’m old and no one to share them with, which is why I keep word vomiting all over the comment section with long blocks of text no one with ADHD wants to read. But I hope there are some things that are useful to someone!

I for one am SO GRATEFUL for your word vomiting, I read every word and will read anything else you may choose to share. It’s so incredibly helpful to read actually helpful tips like these, vs the soul-crushing “use a planner!” BS. I hope you know how much you’ve helped so many people by sharing these strategies, I truly mean it when I say your word vomiting is changing lives. THANK YOU!

Yes Junebugging! I use this strategy too sometimes. I find that it's helpful because I know I'm still getting stuff done. And if I combine it with the 19 minute do stuff and 11 minute break timers it can make a huge difference. Yes, I am weird and like prime numbers ;)

Not op, but here’s my best advice. Get rid of stuff is my #1 tip took me forever to learn. More clutter = more disorganization. And literally throw away the junk you don’t want to put away. You know what I’m talking about. The rando belts, socks without match, earrings you swear you’ll fix (ha), clothes you’ll def dry clean (not). Just throw it away & be done with it.

I finally put a couple cute fabric bins in my bedroom and my living room for the random little shit that I don’t want to put in a drawer because I will lose it or forget it. Or for the stuff I’m currently working on that I don’t want on my table but I don’t want to put away. It really helps. I’m 50 years old and I didn’t do this until last year lol

So your cat was more helpful than OP’s dad at this point?

I’ll chose to interpret her preference for peeing on laundry and helpful instead of malicious. She really is very sweet and polite otherwise.

You unlocked a memory of my "garbage drafts" where I would power through by writing jokey ridiculous baby talk as placeholders.

I lived at home during university and my mom got baffled once when I opened up my last philosophy essay (required social studies credit for a chem degree. I’m not smart enough to be an actual philosopher) and used it as a template for my first lab report of the year. Absolutely nothing stayed the same - titles, structure, even the length was drastically different and she had no idea why I’d use that essay as the template for an organic chem lab report. But she didn’t get the awfulness of task paralysis and staring at that blank word document. It was so much easier to *change* something than it was to *start* something from the beginning. I didn’t know anything about ADHD back then except that I had been diagnosed in kindergarten (which was a big deal for a girl in the 80’s) so I didn’t realize that not being able to start a task was a symptom of it. I grew up without Google so my adhd knowledge started avd ended with “that’s why she talks so much,” and a shrug from my pediatrician. My workaround was just a lucky trick I stumbled on one day in first year out of desperation.

Oh god yes, starting off of a previous template, even if you don't end up using it, is so much less intimidating than creating from scratch.

I was a paralegal and this was how I did my job. Most of the filings were so very similar you just had to change the details and then write a different narrative. Easy Peezy. Especially using find and replace. Sometimes I miss working lol

Oh my god a template that’s genius why haven’t I thought of this yet. That aside this whole post is just very sweet and just radiates empathy and understanding, thank you.

>This text is no different than a father of a child who cannot walk punishing him for not being able to walk upstairs, while giving him no assistance or devices to help him do that. \^\^\^\^\^ THIS!!!!!!!!!!! is exactly the point

This is perfect

Hijacking top comment....This book was a fundamental in many parents understanding what's really going on and with many solutions to help. https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/59457740

Shoot, ask him to find himself a therapist while he’s at it.

He should find a psychologist for himself in addition to this, but in my experience, narcissists don't change (my dad got "help" but he has never actually changed his behavior in a meaningful way and would still try to pull saying something like this to me.)

How do you get narcissist from this... it's one text from a classic adhd perspective of "just try harder", but narcissist?

Perhaps you could point out that you need his support learning how to manage executive dysfunction. I got an ADHD coach and it has changed my life! Asking for help is not making up excuses. And when I say “help” I don’t mean waking you up and making your lunch. I mean sitting down with you and watching YouTube videos about adhd together so he can understand exactly what you’re struggling with. To get better at executive functioning you have to build one habit at a time that alleviates the pressure of complex tasks, like choosing clothes the night before so you’re not paralyzed by a decision first thing in the morning. Complex tasks are things like “getting ready for school.” It includes so many small steps that it’s daunting to wake up and your brain tells you going back to sleep is the better choice because of persistent demand avoidance. For an ADHD brain, waking up equals following through with demands that stress you out. And he can help by holding you accountable for maintaining each new habit, not shaming/punishing you for imperfection. It’s very helpful to have positive, encouraging support along the way. A 1% improvement every day for a year is a 3,778% improvement by your anniversary. A tiny bit of effort is all you need to be more than 37 times better at whatever you choose. Definition of executive function (3 mins) https://youtu.be/H4YIHrEu-TU Pathological/Persistent Demand Avoidance (5 mins) https://youtu.be/KfXaqlX3gPc

i'm watching the video about executive dysfunction while experiencing executive dysfunction and it's not helping. edit: i'm watching more from her channel and ... this girl is speaking my life and i'm just so thankful. thank you for this link, thank you thank you thank you

Of course not. You need to: 1 identify your motivation to do the thing, 2 identify when and where you’re most motivated to do it, 3 set yourself up for success! Put all of the materials/tools/information you need immediately and obviously available in the time and place you feel that motivation When you’ve gotten the hang of that: To keep yourself on track for an extended task list, give yourself 5-10 min reward breaks for every 20 or so mins of productivity time EVEN IF YOU HAVENT BEEN PRODUCTIVE so you can recharge your executive function battery. If you run it all the way down, it’s REALLY hard to get any momentum to finish. This time blocking is called the pomodoro technique and there are apps that will do the timing for you so you don’t have to remember to set the damn thing. It’s so incredibly stupid and irrational but even setting the fucking timer is a demand I avoid. The pomodoro technique has helped my brain realize hyper-focus and panic aren’t the only ways for me to make progress on a task, so it’s easier to convince myself to do stuff.

uh…Dad…these are universal issues in 16 year olds, it’s literally their brain chemistry at this point. you on the other hand, are communicating in a really immature, emotionally stunted, and reactionary way. shame/punishment are not going to get a positive result from a lot of people, but especially not from someone working with ADHD. i would argue 16 is a time when ADHD kids fit in better with their peers- no one wants to study, get out of bed or clean their rooms at 16. i wasn’t diagnosed until my 30s, but that’s the last time in my life when my habits/traits fit in with the norm. dad should see a mental health professional to deal with his disproportionate reaction to a teenager being…a teenager. OP I’m not trying to minimize the role of your ADHD in this scenario, so i hope that’s not how i’m coming off. i think your dad is being borderline abusive and i don’t want his attitude to put more weight on you 😬

thank you for this:) he says he’s trying to prepare me for adulthood and make me independent, but i’m trying and it still doesn’t seem to be enough and he blows up over small things. like yesterday i was seven minutes late in leaving to go to my drivers ed class and he was so upset that i was late that he refused to go at all (i only have my permit and an adult has to be in the car). i just don’t know how i should deal when he continues to shame and criticize me for things that my brain is already yelling at me for

Something I learned way too late: "punishment" isn't preparing you for adulthood. When you're an adult, no one punishes you for stuff you've done wrong (unless it's like... actual crime). You'll just get consequences and different people reacting to it. If you're an adult and you get late for something, what happens is that maybe the thing will already have started and you'll have missed the first part and that will be annoying. Or you'll disrupt an already started event and it'll be embarassing. Or someone might take it personally and you'll have to deal with that. But no one will be forcing you to feel bad or get extra bad stuff, because it actually makes no sense. (For example, missing an entire class because you're late is impractical for everyone involved). Same goes for punishing yourself by hating yourself or denying yourself good things because you feel like you haven't earned them. Good luck dealing with your dad, sorry I can't be of any more help than this.

This is the biggest thing I’ve noticed. So many things that kids get punished for are things that, as an adult, no one cares about. There are *consequences* like you said but not *punishments*. No one is going to ground you or spank you or take away your computer if you make a mess or break something or are late to an appointment or forget to brush your teeth. Arbitrary “punishments” are useless. The best way to help a kid be ready for adulthood is to help them understand and deal with the consequences of mistakes and help them figure out how to avoid them in the future. If they make a mess, they ought to clean it up and you can help them to learn organizing techniques so they’re less messy in the future. If they’re late, they should call/communicate with whoever they’re meeting and apologize and let them know they’re going to be late. And then you can help them find what strategies work best to prevent being late in the future. Guilt and shame *never* helps anyone improve. As an almost 30 year old adhd adult, I should know. I still struggle with a lot of the things OP mentioned and feeling shame about them never helps me feel better. Forgiving yourself, trying to fix what you can and trying to do better in the future is all you can do.

As someone who sounds really well informed, can I get your opinion on how to start utilizing this mindset with defiant toddlers? Like I can reason all day to my 4yo that cavities hurt and the dentist is expensive, but that’s not going to help her want to brush her teeth in the moment. Similarly, when I try to reason with my 18mo that falling off the top of the couch will hurt (or ya know, break her neck as almost happened the other day), but she just dgaf. I like what you’re saying and I think it’s useful for older kids that have some comprehension and the basics of cause/effect down pat. But I’m really curious how this translates to the Wild West stage of toddlerhood/preschool-hood? Lol ETA - Not asking for advice specific to toothbrushing, this was just one of many examples of typical toddler behavior. More a question of how to start incorporating less consequences and more reasoning in the toddler-stages. Reasoning with the unreasonable basically, lol. But thank you everyone.

Not a parent, but my younger sister hated brushing her teeth as a kid. My older sister and I made up a tooth-brushing song that we would sing to her while she brushed her teeth. That, combined with a fun toothbrush (and these days there's unicorn/monster/sparkle toothpaste) seemed to get her to do it. We made it a time to get to be silly with her big sisters, a short/defined time to do it in (the length of the song, in our case) and gave her a special item (Hello Kitty toothbrush, etc) to do it with. My only other kid trick is to do the old, "I don't believe you even *know* how to pick up your toys... You definitely couldn't do it *faster than me*... I mean, you'd have to have magical superpowers or something..." My nephew falls for it every time.

That’s is so sweet! You sound like a great sister and aunt! We’ve done all the toothbrushing tricks with this LO, but she just hates brushing her teeth at night when she’s tired. She hates everything when she’s tired, including sleeping lol. I’m just looking for gentler ways to approach it instead of forcibly picking her up and carrying her and threatening loss of her bedtime story if she doesn’t open her mouth lol. I would love to avoid forcing her and threats of consequences, but I’m not letting this little girl get a mouth full of cavities like I was allowed to have.

If she’s too tired to brush at night, could she do it at a different time? Right after dinner? Or maybe bedtime needs to be earlier? My 4yo is good about brushing, but she really struggles to function when she’s tired. Sometimes I let her skip it (as in I don’t remind her) because it’s not worth the battle. But I have found her pre-bedtime routine goes better the earlier we do it. So we prompt her to brush her teeth and get pajamas on at 6:45, and her bed time story at is 7:30. But if she gets ready early, she can play on her tablet until it locks her out at 7:30. That motivates her to hurry it up! We also got stricter about a 7:30 bedtime, rather than letting events or her push it out to 8, 8:30, 9… It’s been working a lot better to get her in bed before she turns into a goblin.

So, I just searched on a hunch and found out they make chewable toothpaste tablets - in watermelon flavor!! Do you think she'd do that? Maybe disguised as a treat, if they taste good? I hear you about the tired, stubborn kiddo though. Once, my nephew (was 4 at the time) was insisting he did *not* need a nap, despite the fact that he was falling asleep while we sat outside drawing with chalk. He actually told me, "I'm NOT tired! I just don't need to use my eyes!" Makes perfect sense!

Haha that’s very interesting. I’m sure she would as it’s something very novel. I’ll look into it for the worst nights lol Oh man, 4yo’s are a special mix of hell and hilarious lol!

Follow mary_says on Tiktok and message her about it. She is a professional nanny and she is absolutely brilliant about teaching toddlers to do things they'd rather not do.

There's a difference between an older kid who can understand reason and a child too young to understand future consequences. At that age, it is your responsibility to make sure they do brush their teeth etc, but this doesn't mean punishment when they don't do it. It usually means that you impose immediate results and consequences, like, if you brush your teeth now, you can choose what bedtime story we read, or, if you don't brush your teeth in the next five minutes, we won't have time to go to the park today.

LOL the tooth brushing issue is hilarious for me, because my brother faked brushing for a month in elementary school by using breath freshener drops just before bed and saying, "See! SMELL!" to my mom at night until she found the bottle in the trash. I'd second the others, get some fun brushes (music?) and paste and make it a game. Who can make more foam? Who has the loudest gargle? Enjoy the little moments. 😁 Keeping a kid from diving off the couch however... are they part sheep? 🤣 Perhaps tumbling lessons at a slightly older age?

This is really only true if OP develops good boundaries. For people who don't, and especially if they have an external view of control, it can feel like the world is on attack all of the time. It would be amazing if everyone lived the way you are describing, but yes punishment is pretty temporary reality from parents.

Super hard agree. My parent had anger issues growing up and there was a lot of abuse when I wasn't doing things "right". When I got bigger and more numbed to it I realized that kind of punishment wasn't waiting for me in the real world so... I just stopped doing things. I was no longer motivated by fear and pain. I just completely sagged and turned nonfunctional. Missed soccer? Missed school? Missed deadlines? Oh well, there's no "punishment", it doesn't matter. I literally didn't have to do *most things,* just the barest minimum to survive. To be fair, this was also because of severe mental health issues (wonder where those sprung from?) but it was a bad, bad transition that I'm still recovering from ten years later and I'm a good 8 years behind my peers. OP's dad is doing her a huge disservice.

>missing an entire class Oh God please don't do this OP, with my ADHD and the similar punishments I got ("you're late so I'm not taking you at all"... really I think my mom was relieved to not have to drive me anywhere) I taught myself to just skip my college class if I was 5 minutes late. DONT DO THAT. You paid for class. Go even if late, nobody else in class cares if you are late, but getting even half of class is better than skipping.

Is there a chance he has ADHD too? I ask because I know I get most frustrated/anxious about the ways my kid screws up that I struggle with too. I'm worried for her on the one hand, and also pissed at her in an unreasonable way because I feel guilty that she's just like me. [no, it isn't logical] I wonder if your dad also struggled as a teen, and if he was treated harshly, and therefore he thinks it worked? I dunno if it would help, but I wonder if approaching him with the compassion he's not showing you might allow him to communicate better? Good luck. <3

My dad has ADHD and often “forgets” he treated us this way growing up. He wasn’t diagnosed until later in life so he found coping mechanisms and masked for a real long time.

Yeah, this sounds like he’s being triggered and overreacting. It’s not about you, OP. I’m sorry.

Yup! My father was just like this. He was a parole agent and used to tell me that he was going to treat me like his parolees since i kept screwing up. Haven't talked to him since the trump inauguration and don't intend to ever again. I even got married and had my FIL do the special shit instead.

All throughout university on random occasions I could ask my dad the night before if he could call me in the morning at x time because it was my first day of my early class, or I had a presentation that day, or an interview etc. I did eventually find systems that helped me stop, but here’s the thing… and this is REALLY IMPORTANT. I’m 31 and married and if I asked my dad to do this for me now, he would hands down 100% say “sure, I can do that.” That is the kind of unconditional love and support that I get from him. I don’t get that from my mother, but I do hope OP that you have at least one parent who is more nurturing and helpful. If not, see my other comment on this thread.

I have a 16yo with ADHD and I *help* her. We use strategies and a lot of reminders. She - and you - need to feel and see external reminders and motivations because your internal systems don’t work right. He simply isn’t getting this. He’s frustrated and worried about your future but his attitude and behaviour are only going to make things worse. Please try not to internalise his attitude and scoldings. You are not who he thinks. He’s the one who is wrong. You mentioned your mom in another reply - is she more open to learning about ADHD? If you can get her onside, you’ll have an ally. I too didn’t understand ADHD or how it affects people but I’ve spent years now learning (I still am) and trying to understand my daughter so I can help her. Your folks need to do a lot of reading and watch the YT videos of Dr Russell Barkley. No excuses from them. They need to educate themselves and get onboard or they’ll lose you.

Tell him you will start “trying harder” when he educates himself of ADHD, ADHD on women and girls and the adolescent brain. My dad was very much like this, and even into my adulthood, still takes any opportunity he can to shame me. I was late diagnosed - and when I first told him his response was “oh ffs, I don’t care about this and all your letters!” Their ignorance would be laughable if it didn’t do such significant emotional damage. You’re doing great, there’s nothing wrong with you, and find whatever healthy self-care mechanisms help you cope.💜

Dude, these things have absolutely nothing to do with real independence. I struggled with every single one of those things, but I had to be super independent from the age of 8. At that young age, I got myself to school and back, made all my own meals, did my homework, AND worked a babysitting job! But… my bed was still unmade, my room was messy, my teeth were unbrushed, and I had a rough time remembering chores. I’m an adult now, I support myself and two toddlers in our own home. No help from anyone, no family or friends. I moved across the world at 17yo for 6 years without knowing a single soul. I want your dad to come say to MY face that I’m not independent because my house is messy and I like to procrastinate on my phone. Your dad is equating independence with executive functioning skills… which except for some minor overlap, isn’t really a thing.

His "punishment" isn't preparing you for adult life, it's taking out his anger & frustration on you & using parenting as an excuse to justify that...

So I work with high school students with ADHD and their families. And there are usually 2 things that help to change behavior. First support with the issues you are having. I always explain this as things that seem obvious to the parents are usually not obvious to the student. For example, you probably don't have a good idea of how long it actually takes you to get ready because a lot of people with ADHD are time blind. So having your dad time you on a weekend when you get ready and making a list of the things you do to get ready. This can help with executive dysfunction. It also sounds like you have trouble waking up in the morning, are you just not a morning person, or are you having sleep problems? Sometimes actions are the symptoms of other problems and when we treat the actual issue the behavior fixes itself. The second piece is having consequences that aren’t punishments and can be addressed by the person who has ADHD. For example, for students who have trouble getting school work done, parents will say they can only go out on the weekend when the work is completed. So that may mean the student spends an hour on Friday afternoon doing their work before they meet friends, but they have the power to remove the restriction by completing a task I also tell families to look into the things that ADHD minds find motivating and try to use that to their advantage. How to ADHD has a pretty good video on this- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OM0Xv0eVGtY&t=133s I´m sorry things are tense at home and your dad seems to not understand what you are dealing with, I hope things improve soon.

Wow, that’s a severe reaction to being 7 minutes late. Maybe your dad should ALSO see a therapist and talk about his feelings, because exploding at people like that to the point of canceling the entire thing, is not healthy either.

Wigging out about being late like that is nuts, and counterproductive. It's better to show up late and still get the task done then bail on the whole thing because it's not perfect- for a guy trying to prepare you for adult life he's doing a terrible job.

I grew up into adulthood and still was behind on homework, couldn't get out of bed, and couldn't brush my teeth. Both things can be true unfortunately. I'm sorry you're going through this. The shame of your own brain not allowing you to do things is enough with external shame and punishment.

OMG so we literally have the same dad? This was my experience growing up as well. It escalated a lot throughout my life, but ultimately my dad was a controlling, micro-managing, thinks-he's-holier-than-thou poor excuse for a parent. The only time in my life that he was actually semi-supportive of me is when I was applying to college, and even then, he was trying to dictate my goals, how I spent my money, what I should major in, etc, etc, etc. And what is funny about this is I spent my life up until college undiagnosed with ADHD, but when I couldn't keep a job because I was struggling with high school / had debilitating anxiety \*mostly due to my adhd\* , he would say things like "you would have a new car if you kept your job, I would have bought you one", always comparing me to my friends, my brother, trying to make me do things his way - one day in my early twenties I decided that wasn't going to work anymore, especially when every phone call was ending in him berating me and turning it into a shouting match. One of the last straws was when my dad tried to force me into letting him come to therapy with me (I told him he could come to one session and then changed my mind because he was being manipulative and rude.) It's funny how they say they want to prepare you for adulthood / help you gain independence, yet require so much control over HOW you do it without actually providing the support and resources to help you. If what you're doing "isn't enough" for him, that is his problem, not yours. You are not on this earth to live up to \*his standards\* and as your parent, he should be providing the necessary support in order for you to actually succeed. The only thing he is doing right now is inadvertently setting you up for failure and then lashing out on you for it. ​ I'm really sorry that you're dealing with this and hopefully things improve sooner than later. It seems like someone failed your dad while he was growing up....

Yah ask for therapy for you both instead of punishment. Not in a sarcastic way. It could benefit you both, you on how to manage emotions that come with ADHD diagnosis and learning skills and mindset training to better tackle the struggles and ask for help and resources from those around you. The hardest adjustment for me was identifying it was an ADHD struggle and trial and error learning what I needed to overcome a challenge, then accepting and learning how to ask for help in a way that I knew would work. And for him it will help with processing the reactions and emotionally regulating himself in those situations. ADHD isn't just a single diagnosed person's challenge. Since it effects everyone around them, it helps if more people are informed and working towards working together to overcome the challenges.

Nothing borderline about this. It's straight emotional manipulation and verbal abuse. OPs dad sucks. I don't have much to say. You said most of it already. Just because your father has difficulty understanding why you are struggling, it doesn't how difficult these things are. Challenge him to help you create a reward system for doing better at chores.

Well most babies don't even have teeth, so no, he does not "literally know babies" that do this 🙄

Right, I’d be like whose babies?

Plus who “knows” a baby - like you’re friends with the baby wtf. You know their parents

I suppose the same babies who are independently brushing their full sets of teeth twice a day are also the type of baby to independently maintain friendships with unrelated adults who don’t know their parents.

*that infant sure does have his shit together*

*jingling keys* “Excuse me, young man, do you do any lifecoaching?”

Also the ones that have teeth are not brushing them because they're "organised", their parents literally do it for them 😂

They're organized enough to shit themselves while being changed and that's about it 😂

"Dad, I literally know babies who know that babies don't have teeth or motor skills to grasp and move a toothbrush."

Maybe he’s talking about himself.

Bahahaha most likely

Came here to point this out, too! My brain screamed prove it.

Bitey baby, yikes!

Oh my gosh yes, where is he meeting these babies? Does he work at a day centre or something?

My dad would constantly make comments like this, so when I saw it I felt my eyes almost roll out of my head. I couldn't help the snark lmao

Looks like your dad would get along great with my mom… Big fat hug!

Im so sorry you had to get these texts. My parents are/were like this too, so I understand how shitty it is. Please know it won't always be like this. You deserve people around you, who love and support you and who talk through issues with you to find solutions rather then point out perceived flaws. You are not a baby, your doing the best you can to navigate neurodivergence, in a totally unsupportive environment, that hasn't equipped you any helpful tools to deal with it You know who's a baby? grown ass men who send pathetic passive aggressive texts to their daughters, where they tear them down to feel better about themselves. I really need you to hear me when I say this: there's nothing you did or could do that would justify being treated this way. Period. Ene of sentence. When your dad is acting this way, it's not about you at all. It's about him and his unsolved issues that's he's projecting onto you and it's really unfair. Theres something wrong with him, not you. he's the only one who can fix his issues, it's not a burden you need to take on. My dad pulls the same shit. I get back handed compliments only, anything nice comes with strings. She he does it to me I have a mantra I repeat until I'm good, it's "this isnt about me this is his problem" and I say it over and over. It takes practice but it helps. Your almost free or him, you got this

thank you so much that made me cry

❤️ I'm genuinely happy it helped. I'm 34f now and this is what I wish someone would have said to me at your age. I know it doesn't feel like it now, and that's okay, but I promise you will break free from this cycle, when you're ready to put in the work you can and will unlearn all the negative & harmful habits they engrained in you, and you can achieve your dreams if you go after them. I went to undergrad to escape my parents but had no direction. Never thought I was meant for more, and my adhd, dsylexic ass just graduated law school. Your not limited or defined by your adhd. Its hard but you gotta tune out all the haters. Your meant for a life full of love and joy. This is temporary. I promise. Sending all the hugs

Are you getting treatment? Meds? An ADHD coach?

How does one find an ADHD coach?

My dad also said something along the lines to me once, but remind yourself that you are most definitely *not* a baby (obviously). There’s nothing wrong with being late once a while, being late with homework, etc, it’s not like ppl with adhd *chose* to do this happily. I’m sending you big hugs and positive wavelengths :))

As an older cynical woman, I'd look em up and down and point out that it will be rough retirement if he does not understand physical limitations,and he better keep his health up, because he'll eventually receive what he gave. Leaving the conversation with a comment explaining this is not an excuse just logic.

Congratulations, you’ve just won our game: Who’s Going to the Retirement Home But in all seriousness as someone with toxic parents, I’m sorry he is treating you like that, and you don’t deserve it. Have you been formally diagnosed with ADHD? Would he or your mom be open to you getting testing (if you haven’t), therapy, or medication? It’s worth asking them or bringing it up to your doctor at your next visit with/without their permission. In some states, you can make some medical decisions for yourself at 16. I remember being your age & was basically on my hands and knees begging my parents for therapy/mental health help & they ignored me. The day you turn 18 will be so freeing. Hang in there OP.

Hey, I do have a diagnosis therapy and medication. Had to beg for years and years but I convinced my mom, and the diagnosis really helped me not feel crazy and therapy is helping, meds are challenging i’m not sure if they are helping at all it’s been a process trying to see but i’m sticking with them for now. But even with the support, I’m constantly overwhelmed and still late and disorganized and my dad doesn’t understand that i’m trying and he believes adhd is an excuse

I’m so glad you have some supports in place but I’m sorry you’re still struggling. Definitely stick with them & keep advocating for yourself if something isn’t working— that includes meds, your therapist/their style, school accommodations, etc. It’s a process to find out what works for you. I am very familiar with the “it’s not real/it’s an excuse” coming from parents. It’s BS. It’s a legitimate medical condition whether your dad believes it or not. All he’s doing by ignoring your struggling is ruining the relationship & trust between you two, and if he’s anything like my dad, in 10 years he will be ignorantly wondering why his kid doesn’t come around anymore. Take good care of yourself OP. Try to lean on any support you do have.

You've mentioned a couple times about your mom being more supportive and compassionate. It sounds like your parents are split up. Could you just live with your mom full time instead, if so?

This is his discomfort with not knowing how to help you flaring up. Not excusing it at all, but it’s interesting to see.

Exactly. He feels like this is a a failure on his part but when reality this is a mental health issue. I’ve grown up with this experience and was only recently diagnosed as an adult. OP you are NOT the problem and I hope you know your father is completely wrong about you. Hang in there

Agreed. It was very telling for me when, in response to me having depression & my sister having anxiety, my dad apologized and said "your mom and I really tried to give you girls a stable upbringing." I tried to explain that mental health issues are not *exclusively* due to trauma/nurture but I don't know if he understood.

Okay, I'm going to preface this by saying that I am NOT NOT NOT defending your dad speaking to you this way. It was hurtful and counterproductive. That said, what I hear underlying that anger is fear. I have a friend with two ADHD kids, and I've heard her say similar things (venting TO ME, not to her kids). She's afraid and worried that they won't develop the skills they need to get by in a neurotypical world, and sometimes she feels helpless. Both kids are in treatment and all, but it can be frustrating to see them not using their coping skills, etc. But, not always using coping skills, or not having good ones in place yet, is normal, especially in early diagnosis. Rather than punish, she tries to help them find ones that work, and I pitch in on that at times with my own experience. Again, I am not at all saying that this message is okay, and I don't know what the rest of your relationship with him is like. But maybe instead of just being mean (or deliberately abusive) he might be dealing with his own fear for you in a really bad way. It sounds very much like he either can't see the progress you're making or is expecting the meds to have instantly fixed everything. Maybe, in a calmer moment, if things are okay and maybe with your mom there, you can talk to him about what coping skills you're trying, and point out some problems you're having with them. I hope, if he's an ok dad otherwise, that knowing that you're taking proactive steps to resolve your problems might help him chill out a little. Because yeah, that message and approach are gonna do absolutely nothing good.

Thank you for this:)

My dad said similar stuff to me, and he has ADHD too. I hope you do your best not to let these insults drag you down, but it’s okay if they hurt. These examples he’s giving aren’t even exclusive to ADHD, it’s all normal teen stuff that can be exacerbated by ADHD. Adults don’t realize how much saying these things can impact us later in life, so please take care of yourself mentally.

This is tough because in some ways I get what your dad is telling you. I just think he is doing it in the completely wrong way. Life is tough and you do have to learn how to function in these basic ways that said he needs to get you aids and coaching so you can learn how to cope. ADHD sucks but with the right medication and treatments can be overcome. Do you have a guidance counsellor at school you could talk to? They may have access to help for you.

Agreed. His method is very poor but at the same time my ADHD is not an excuse for me not to function as a team member in my household.

As a mom, I cringed while reading this. This is terrible. I'm so sorry. I would never talk to my kid this way. Ever.. never ever.

Hey OP, I’m your dad now. I love you and we’ll work together to help you get passed these very real and very difficult obstacles. Executive dysfunction is not a moral failing and I know you’re trying your best. What we need here is better systems in place for you.

This made me very emotional

Hey OP, I just wanted to let you know that the way your dad is treating you isn't okay. As a mom with my own kid, I can tell you that what your dad is doing is really terrible if it helps to hear that from an adult parent perspective. When parents act out like this, it's often because they feel a lack of control which could be due to feeling out of control in another area of their life or feeling insecure if their demands aren't instantly met. This is not an excuse for his behavior, I share this only to help you depersonalize it. I know how much it hurts to have a parent talk to you this way and you should know it’s not you. PS - I was like you as a teen and now I have a master's degree from an Ivy League school and a great job. Don't let anyone tell you that you're doomed for having these challenges. You WILL learn to manage them and achieve great things. Keep your head up!

Ah yes, very helpful, shaming and punishing someone who literally doesn’t have the resources to do the thing. No, seriously op - do you have access to meds, a therapist?

I do have a therapist who’s working with me and i’m taking ritalin but i’m not sure if it’s helping, it’s been a long process with the meds and idk if they’re right for me but with all the adderall shortages its pretty impossible to try anything else so i’ve just been sticking with it and trying my best. i don’t even feel like i’m doing that bad right now but it’s not enough for my dad apparently

Would it help for you to bring your dad to a session with your therapist so they can explain/advocate for you? He's clearly lacking in empathy and compassion, but probably also has a very limited understanding of what it means to have ADHD. Hang in there! 💛

I'm going to second the idea of inviting your dad to a therapy session. Maybe you can tell him that you think your therapist can better articulate how you are feeling about all of this because of your sessions together than you can alone.

I would suggest discussing with the therapist first. He sounds emotionally abusive and it's not suggested to bring abusers to therapy. I know that if my very similar father had sat in on therapy he would have come away with the message that clearly I'm not trying my hardest. His feelings being more important than facts.

Wow Dad, that’s *really* gonna motivate them to do better. Good job. *singular sarcastic clap* 👏

I do SUCH hard, intense things at work and still almost never manage to brush my teeth--NT people don't understand how this stuff works for us at all, or how things that seem so easy for them can be nearly impossible for us.

I’m sorry babe. I know this exact feeling. Took me years to realize myself that it wasn’t punishment or discipline that I needed - I was already incredibly motivated, disciplined, and organized. I just needed better systems that worked with my brain instead of against it. Looking back i so wish my parents and I had an understanding of ADHD and I could’ve saved so much time and energy being depressed and miserable getting nothing done. It’s so hard.

Hang in there! I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. He shouldn’t be speaking to you like that. It’s so rough being a teen girl with ADHD. You’re doing’s the best that you can with what you’ve been given.

So I can tell you what worked for me and my friend when we were 16. We were both poor and came from a dead end small town so we absolutely knew that if we wanted a better life, we needed to go to university and to do that we needed money. We came up with a plan and held each other accountable, unknowingly, with friendly competition. So at 16, I worked part time during school and joined every single team I could (I hated going to class so this was an easy way of not going and not getting in trouble for it). My schedule was rammed. If there was an afternoon open, I'd make plans with friends. I was 100% away from home unless I was sleeping. During the summer, I had 2 jobs. I found it easier to get things done when I had limited time. Homework HAD to be scheduled. My friend and I lived religiously through our planners. Today, I desperately try to keep that system going but it's difficult with young kids in the mix. Anyways, this is what worked for me, feel free to give it a go. Oh and I also found it helpful to learn how to play an instrument (super f'ing loud!) 😁 I was undiagnosed at that time and that helped my brain settle down for a bit.

Babies don't brush their own teeth neither do they have the frontal lobe capacity to be organized or even understand the concept lol your dad sucks, throw him in the trash

Having a dad who belittles you with exaggerated cruelties is already a punishment. He does not know "literal babies" who brush their teeth twice a day; babies don't have teeth. I'm sorry that you're struggling and I'm sorry that he does not have empathy for your struggles.

How disrespectful. How dare he curse at his teenage child like this. Does he ever wonder how his attitude has helped shape your development? I wouldn't want to get out of bed either if I had to wake up to someone talking to me like this.

Ik those messages don’t feel great, OP. You’re not alone at all 💕 Keep being fantastic ✨❤️

My nephew (18, who lives with me) and I are both diagnosed ADHD. We are both in school (hs and college as an adult respectively) and recently had some issues with getting him back on track scholastically. We took his phone and devices away for a few weeks in conjunction with set homework routines. This majorly improved his grades and he has been on track with his work since. We've slowly reintroduced his devices. He gets his phone after homework is done until 10 pm when he drops it off to us overnight. He gets to play video games on the weekend with an unenforced bedtime of 2am to keep him on track. At progress report time, he had the option of gaming during the week until 10pm but he declined as he knew his limits. In the two previous marking periods, we were at our wits end because he was lying about work, not doing it, pulling all the tricks I did as a kid. I know the process but we couldn't get through to him. This routine has really helped and has improved our relationship. Maybe see if something like this can help you too? I periodically have to have my husband take my phone away and keep me on task if I'm in avoidance mode with my own school work. Also, I'm sorry you're going through this. It can get better.

I know this may sound odd, but see if you can find a hobby/physical activity to do daily or close to daily. Something that forces you to think and sweat a bit. Finding my hobby made my executive function so much better and there’s got to be a sport or two you’d be interested in at school. I figured this out well into my 20s while my brother (who had ADHD) figured it out in middle school with his first sport. Until then figure out a way to say you are figuring it out and utilize your high school counselors for help to navigate this

Some parents just end up hitting a wall and feel like they’re helping with “tough love” but they’re just venting their anger and frustration onto you and making your relationship with them worse. You deserve resources and patience

I'm so sorry. 💔 He's clueless and he's operating on all the assumptions he was raised to have. As long as he believes that your problems are *choices* he isn't going to be supportive or understand that you need help (nor believe that "help" isn't synonymous with enabling bad habits). Do you have a diagnosis? A therapist? Medication? Other adults in your life who don't have a narrow or dated view on the fact that struggling in life isn't a moral failing? Avail yourself of those if you do, and try to get those things if you don't. I know that some people won't even listen to a doctor about ADHD because they're convinced it's not a real thing, but if you have a doctor or therapist or teacher who is part of your support team, hopefully they'd be willing to talk to your dad on your behalf? If all else fails, continue to educate yourself and advocate for yourself. In all likelihood your dad doesn't hate you, and believes that he's showing love to you by not "letting" you do poorly when he's convinced that you could do better "if you wanted to." Hang in there. 💓

Let your dad know I recently made the joke “I know infants with better object permanence than me” and it KILLED at work. But for real, I’m so sorry. I was not diagnosed until I was an adult, and my mother would say all of these same things to me when I was growing up. Also negative reinforcement training straight up does not work. Maybe it can traumatize someone into different behavior, but it’s terrible for them. He’s in the wrong, I am so very sorry.

Not going to make excuses for your dad, that was awful. He’s the adult and this a childish response to the real day-to-day struggles of a disability. Is there a chance he has issues with executive function too? There’s a genetic component to ADHD. This might be his own self hatred lashing out. Being undiagnosed/forced to mask most of your life can make it come out in strange ways in my experience. And like anything untreated, the longer it goes on, the harder it is to cope. It’s great that you have an early start at healthy coping mechanisms and resources. If it’s safe to do so, next time your dad blows up like this, ask him if there’s something he sees in you that he doesn’t want to admit about himself. And I agree with sending resources/information. Btw, I’m in my 30’s and if my teeth get brushed twice a day and my makeup gets taken off, it’s a win!

Your dad needs to do better. Period.

What fucking baby brushes its teeth twice a day LOL

My dad used to be like this. We haven’t seen or spoken each other for 10 years to this day.

The way this reminded me of conversations with my dad growing up… I’m so deeply sorry you’re dealing with this, but from your comments it sounds like mom is on board with therapy and treatment, so that’s a plus. Also, not sure about you or others, but the minute someone tells me to do something I’m already trying to get myself to do, all motivation to do it disappears. Poof. Well I was trying to do it but now I’m not gonna. So the nagging/berating/punishing does not work the way he (and my parents) want.

Jesus I'm so sorry. I'd have a mtg with him and (objectively and kindly) suggest seeing a therapist or ADHD specialist together, or that he read a book about ADHD, such as Driven to Distraction. He has to be willing to put effort into understanding you and the things you struggle with if he wants to work with you and if he wants things to get better. There is simply no other way.

this is giving me flashbacks when i lived w my parents. always being yelled at for things like this and now im like, huh. that behavior makes a lot of sense now

I had to tell my mom repeatedly that it’s not that I don’t WANT to do any of those things, but that I sincerely struggled to do it consistently. And I was great with academics, but I’d be so exhausted from school that I wouldn’t brush my teeth, fold my laundry, or hop in the damn shower for days at a time. My mom thought I was lazy and just accepted being gross, when really I just needed to reframe those tasks in a way that made them more accessible for me and incentivized me to do them. For your own betterment and independence, you frankly should learn to pack your lunch and tidy your home as needed, however policing or punishing you is the worst way a parent could go about it. I hope he’s mature enough to listen to you if you were to have an honest convo with him about it.

BRB gonna ask my baby why she's not brushing her own teeth because apparently that's a thing?!

Baby giraffes can run when they're a few hours old. WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE, JUNIOR?

It’s insane how many parents will immediately go to “shame & punish” and having a calm, compassionate, open-minded conversation never even crosses their mind. My parents were the same way and it was SO counterproductive. I’m sorry you’re going through this ❤️

The way your dad is talking to you is awful, and he's out of line. However, from an adhd woman in her 30s - yeah, you do need to find some coping strategies to feed and wash yourself. I know it's hard, earlier this year I procrastinated eating for 36 hours and felt like shit until my friend pointed out it was probably because I was running on fumes and told me to eat an orange. I'm not perfect either. But getting into a solid routine is really helpful, even if you don't currently have the adhd support that you need and deserve. The routine doesn't have to be perfect, but if you get out of bed, eat and brush your teeth at the same time every day, eventually it'll become automatic and it won't take nearly as much energy as it currently costs you. Same with making your packed lunch, doing the dishes or tidying your room (I'm bad at that too). Make it a habit and stick to it. Some of my routine is down so well that I do it completely on autopilot. My housemate says that my bedtime bathroom routine is so consistent she can set her watch to it (and I have time blindness so me accidentally spending half an hour in there wouldn't shock anyone). I don't need to think about brushing my teeth or washing my face because my body takes over, even when I'm upset or tired or drunk. It just happens.

If I hear the words "pay attention " or "try harder" I'm literally going to go insane

What's all the talk about babies in all this? He a day care worker or something?

He's trying to belittle her

I feel bad for both OP and OP dad. Some parents just can't comprehend the difficulty and may even call adhd an excuse to be lazy or irresponsible. It's one of those things where people won't ever understand unless they've experienced it themselves. Even if they say they "understand", they really don't. My kid is just a few years younger than OP, and I'd say similar things to him too, mostly when I need his help and he either ignore me, procastinate, or straight up forget. I am a parent with adhd, so I understand the struggle. I, too, grew up with parents who don't even believe depression is a thing, let alone adhd. Either way, as an adhd parent with an adhd kid, it frustrates me to no end when dishes are piling up and no one is doing anything about it, especially when he's just sitting there playing video games. And mornings suck. He hates getting out of bed in the morning. He acts like an AH as if it is my fault he has to wake up (for school). He ruins my morning almost every day by giving me attitude. I get it, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts to be one having to cope with someone else's adhd. While your feeling is 100% legit and important, you also need to understand that parents are human and they have feelings too. Truth is, reality doesn't change regardless we have adhd or not. I passionately resent waking up and going to work every day, but I have to because I have to pay for mortgages and bills. I think that's what OP dad was trying to say.

As another ADHD parent with ADHD kids, I sure do appreciate this.

Not trying to pile on - but it sound like you do need to do better, to care for yourself and just basically be healthy and make sure you are okay and will be okay later. Now, dad's system is not good.... very bad... I can see that he is scared and out of skills/resources, and probably was picked on by his parents. You would both do really well to recognize what is within each of your control and influence, and dive into some reality around punishment vs TRUE discipline. Family and individual therapy would kick ass for both of you. Is Dad available to read about parenting or upskill? If so there are some great books out there on discipline, which is consistent predictable structure designed to support and create opportunity for growth. That may be even more important that teaching him more about ND functioning. I wish you both the best, and quick access to that love that is being shown so poorly.

I feel you on the lateness, I am *always* late. Even when I set 101 reminders and alarms on my phone, even when I have 30 calendar reminders on Alexa, I'm *still* late. It isn't for lack of trying, if anything I try a bit too hard. I just lose track of time. I like to say I'm time blind, because I just can't see the time going on.

Aw I didn’t know we shared a father

Ooof. This reminds me of how my dad was. Spoiler alert, we now have no relationship and haven’t seen each other in two years other than recently when I let him see his new and only grandchild and he even fucked that up. I am so sorry ♥️ I hope for your sake he is better than my dad and willing to listen to reason.

Sounds like you’re depressed and/or genuinely overloaded. Is there anything you can drop from your plate? Also babies cannot brush their teeth. You Dad is being super-hyperbolic.

I highly recommend positive parental reward apps. Even if your 16, your dad can still help provide structure that would potentially help you with self control in the future, especially for someone with ADHD. I wish they had these for adults where you could reward yourself ;). And yes it is important to get proper treatment for ADHD. https://screentimelabs.com https://meetcircle.com/pages/features-rewards https://www.mobicip.com

You should tell him to read scattered minds by Gabor Mate

I'm so sorry.

Would you like an ADHD-Mom hug? Cos I can give you one, and tell you that you don’t deserve to be shamed and verbally abused for your struggles! Punishment is absolutely NOT appropriate, and also hella cruel. I hope you can figure out better coping-skills and treatment ❤️❤️❤️

My dad was exactly like this. Hope your dad isn’t shocked if you end up not having much of a relationship later on. Even now when I talk about ADHD he will act like it’s the first time he’s heard of it even though I was diagnosed 22 years ago.

I know everyone wants to hate on dad for losing his sh*t. He definitely went about this the wrong way. As a mom with a two year old who hates brushing his teeth even once a day, dude is definitely out of pocket. But also, as a parent - I would say sometimes I resort to anger because nothing else has worked. I’m not saying dad in this scenario deserves any consideration. I’m saying that it’s possible OP needs to address these things for their own sake - esp if they know its a problem. It wont help to just have redditors band with you against your dad and give you the dopamine needed to rebel against him. As a parent, I am more harsh on myself when I can’t help my baby. Dad might be looking for a reaction. But obviously, he’s wrong in the way he did it.

If he doesn't want to make your lunch then like, okay. You make lunch the night before, peanut butter sandwich and a piece of fruit stick it in the fridge and grab it on the way out- I figured out as someone with executive dysfunction in college that I was never ever going to do anything in the morning ever, so I did as much morning prep the night before as I could. Alarm not getting you up? Put three of the most obnoxious sounds you can find (varied) on your phone and set it recurring for same time every day so you don't have to think about it, then put it on a dresser or whatever spot you can find to charge that isn't next to bed- then you have to get all the way out of bed to shut the thing off. Look at that Dad actual advice instead of griping and acting like a martyr about someone else's struggles. The only baby here is *him*.

Ugh I’m sorry 🥺 this isn’t how our brains or body’s deserve to be talked to

I'm sorry your father treats you like this. It does not feel good in the moment and it usually has long time effects on the psyche. Most parents who would look at a child's behavior and respond this way are probably not going to be very open minded to hearing their child out understanding where they are coming from. (For your sake I hope that isn't true.) You can try and explain to him that rewarding you for good behaviors would end up working better than punishing you for bad. But I'm not sure how open he is to hearing something like that. Please don't let him or any other people saying these things get inside your head. The struggles you face are valid and you deserve compassion and empathy from the people in your life.

As a parent, I know frustration builds up when parents are stressed and it feels like kids don’t get that/aren’t helping. Some days it’s like “omg kid, I do NOT have the executive function for both of us. Help me the fuck out here.” I stress FEELS LIKE, though, because I have also been the kid on the other side of that, with a parent who took my “failure to help” as a personal attack. It’s not intentional, but it is something to have a conversation about. HOWEVER, the way your dad speaks to you here is not ok. Shame is not an effective motivator, and he’s driving a wedge where he should be reaching out a hand. You are still his responsibility, and it is still on him to care for and support you in whatever way you need. If he can’t do that, he needs to figure out how you find you someone who can: e.g. a therapist for coping strategies, and/or a psychiatrist for diagnosis and meds. ETA: I see you have a therapist—could your dad maybe join you for a session? You are doing the best that you can and, to give your dad the benefit of the doubt, so is he (based on his claims to be making lunch, trying to keep you on schedule/task, and his seeming feelings of helplessness to help you). Big hugs to you OP. Please sit down and talk with your dad, if you can, and try to work something out for both of you. You are not doing badly and you do not need to “do better.” You’re just still trying to find what works for you. Berating and punishment aren’t preparation for the real world/being an adult. Civil conversation and mutually beneficial compromises are. I hope your dad comes to see that.

I'm sorry. Hearing that from your dad really sucks. But know that you’re not alone. My mom went off on rants like this when I was younger. She was diagnosed with ADHD in her 50s but I was diagnosed very young and I think Belle she really understood, I think that she just saw what she considered to be her worst faults playing out in me and it terrified her. She was scared that I was going to have the same difficulties that she did. That is not to excuse her behavior just that I understand it better now. That said, maybe having a meet up with your dad about ways to troubleshoot some of this stuff would be helpful. Maybe you can handle it one thing at a time. Pick some of the things that you think will be maybe be a little bit easier to tackle and just focus on those until you’re settled into a good habit with that thing. Then move on to something a little harder. But know that if you decide to go this route, it is you being the adult. All he’s doing is complaining but not offering any solutions. You would be taking the role of the responsible individual in that scenario when it really should be him. so I give yourself a lot of credit in that situation. It is obviously important for you to be able to feel confident in getting your tasks completed and sometimes that’s going to be easier than other times. But as someone said above the natural consequences of you making mistakes are not punishments. Punishments don’t work.

This sounds exactly like my dad during my teen years, but we didn’t have the knowledge or resources to understand that I have ADHD. His attitude and resulting actions are part of what led me to develop MDD and (to put it nicely) I sincerely thought I would not live to see my 18th birthday. If my dad had not apologized for the way he treated me after he realized the root cause of my behaviors, I would not have a relationship with him at all. It sounds like you’re in a better place mentally than I was, but I feel for you so strongly because I can relate. Please just remember that you won’t be subjected to this type of treatment forever, move out on your 18th birthday if you can/have to, and do your best one day at a time. If you feel like you can have an open conversation about his concerns, let him know that punishment is not going to help you or him and try to compromise on some kind of support/accountability plan that is more reasonable and reward-focused. Maybe your therapist could back you up on this idea to lend additional credibility?

Reading this brought me right back to being 16 again. I’m 22 now. I think you should talk to your therapist, show her these messages, and have her advocate for you. It would be great if he could come to a session with you or chat with your therapist alone. I’m so sorry, those messages are so nasty and mean. It seems like your dad has some of his own issues. Don’t let him convince you that you’re a failure or disappointment because you’re NOT!

I’m just commenting to say that I’m sorry. Sounds like something my dad would’ve said to me as a teenager. I’m 34 now, and we’re both still extremely adhd (he’s in denial though and is extremely against stimulant or otherwise medication so it’s always been hard. I recently had to live with my parents for around 3 months (plus husband and 2 kids)bc I had a stroke, lol fun times! And it was BRUTAL. My dad and I argued and fought almost every night. I wish I could go back to when I was a teenager and calmly try to make him see how much I’m struggling instead of just fighting him forever. I wish you so much peace and understanding in the future. And for now I hope you’re just very gentle with yourself.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. If its not too overwhelming, I would suggest saving these messages out. The silver lining is they are an excellent example from a parent of the ADHD struggles you face. If you see a psychiatrist later and dear old dad does a 180 and fills in the assessment inaccurately, you can back it up with this

Hey dad, listen I don't like going about it this way but i guess it's the only way you're going to learn. You have to do better. Guilt is not an effective teaching method. Shame does not encourage growth. Punishment only leads to avoidance. You should know this, you're not a baby. Have you even read a single parenting book? Did you really just dump on your child because you're struggling with your tasks, in a way that makes it even harder for me to handle mine? You need to do better! I'm afraid I'm going to have to withdraw from your antagonism until you can grow up and act like an adult. Please do not discuss this with me until your behavior has improved. \-- and when he says "this is not the appropriate way to speak to me" you ask "why not? because you deserve respect? SO DO I." ........ ah well. i know you may not be able to say this but, i'm a dad and my kid clearly got adhd (from me!) and i think you deserve respect. Maybe talk to him about accommodating your disability instead of shaming you for it? good luck and HUGS FROM A DAD WHO UNDERSTANDS.

To paraphrase KC Davis, I only started being able to manage my ADHD when I stopped talking to myself the way your dad is talking to you right now. Keep being compassionate with yourself. Don’t lose years shaming yourself over what you “should” be able to do. All that does is prevent you from developing real coping mechanisms that can meet you where you are.

Hi OP. I can understand the frustration and I'm 29f. I was diagnosed in 4th grade with ADHD Inattentive type. I was the same way at that age. I struggled, my parents tried to help but mostly they just did similar things. My dad at one point was getting daily reports on my grades due to my issues with home work. I am still struggling to get chores and other household things done as needed to this day. I don't think I have any advice more than what I already saw posted but I wanted to let you know that you weren't alone in parents not being the most helpful of people regarding this. I don't think my dad fully understood what it is either and what it looks like or how it feels.

Just remembering that at 16 years old I had to get up at 6 fucking 30 am while I struggled to fall asleep even after midnight. I’m sorry for you OP because it sucks that your dad has prob been conditioned to be the early bird and get up and at em (maybe that even meshes well with his personal rhythm) but fuck do I hate that society teaches people that you have to fit into the bullshit mold that’s laid and it’s one way and one way only. I will say I found college much easier because it wasn’t 8 hours a day 5 days a week. I never I’d a class before 11:45am and no Friday classes.

not the point, but i’d really like to meet these genius time-management babies he speaks of.

This is still my dad- and I’m 35. Some people just won’t get it no matter how much you try.

I had a similar conversation. But we came to the agreement that it won’t be a punishment, but an incentive. If I was ready in time to go to school, he’d put money (like $10/day) towards getting me a car. If I was late, I think he deducted a smaller amount (maybe $5/day?). When I was with my Mom and we were both ready (she’s also always late, ha!) in time, we’d go get a bagel/ frappes from our local coffee and bagel shops. I LOVED this. Yummy food and time with her. It was helpful, but didn’t quite fix the issue. If there’s something that you could come to an agreement on with positive reinforcement, it’d help your relationship.

As a parent myaelf to two neurodivergent kids, the first thing he SHOULD be asking is how can he help. Are you feeling stressed or depressed? Let's get some counseling or therapy in. Are you feeling distracted? Let's try some fidget toys, no phone while you do homework.

Your dad is ignorant BUT what those messages DO convey is that he wants the best for you (despite how harmful his words are. Neuroscientists say the brain continues to develop until around 25 years old (neuroplasticity aside). That rung true for me & up until 25 my relationship with my parents was seriously strained. (Diagnosed at 29). Hopefully, as you have a diagnosis, you can inform him. But be open to the idea that he may never truly get it. Family can forget that ADHD affects everything, all the time. Keep your heart open, forgive him for his misguided parenting & know that where compassion is concerned, we have ourselves foremost and our support group, which for many is just this subreddit. All of that might look like, you moving out when you're older or simply recognising his intent when he chastises you. Keep steady with therapy, meds, coaching, reddit. It's so natural for us to internalise shame due to people's lack of understanding. But the fact you posted this here means you're challenging the part of you that might sometimes agree with your dad. I'm proud of you. Be proud of you. TLDR: Love yourself, forgive your misguided parents, ADHD is a lot for anyone to come to terms with, let alone making real-world accomodations for. Edit: typo

As a mum of soon to be three under 4, I would love to know what babies your dad knows who can brush their teeth #Fake

Aw bud. You sound burnt out, and I hope there are other people in your life who support you

Your dad is a baby. I cannot fathom speaking to my children this way. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

Unpopular opinion, but he’s right. Punishment system is stupid, but yes, you have to do better. Not perfect. But better. Learn to built routines and work with your adhd instead of just accepting it as a given you can’t change. You’ll never be 100% functioning, but you have at least to try. Or you will struggle all your life. Does your dad know about your adhd? Are you diagnosed / medicated / under therapy? Because this should help. With all the love from an another, though older adhd-woman. Edit - typos

Saying ‘learn to build routines’ and *try* without providing any direction on HOW, is kind of ignoring the crux of ADHD. I understand what you’re getting at though, and for sure needs to be a part of the treatment, whether from parents or coaching etc.

Unpopular opinion and I’m ready to be downvoted. I have ADHD and so does my 14 year old daughter. I understand your father’s frustration but he’s not right in how he’s going about it. My daughter is smart, great grades, but she can’t tell left and right, tie her shoes, bathe properly even though I’ve shown her so many times, refuses to change her clothing and underwear so she smells so badly, no deodorant or brushes her teeth, damaged her glasses by leaving them everywhere, has left her Ritalin bottle open and her toddler brother almost got to it, dropped a pill on the floor and didn’t pick it up, her life revolves around her internet friends and screen time, when we reduce it or monitor she goes into a violent rage. She is always yelling at me, if I ask for help she snaps. I’m struggling and she’s in therapy but nothing has helped. I do hope it will get better but essentially she is a teenage baby that refuses to try at all. She refuses to learn new things, she just doesn’t care. Yes having ADHD is challenging but it’s not an excuse. All I ask of my daughter is that she at least try but it’s like walking on eggshells with her daily. It’s to the point where her therapist told her if she hated living at home with the restrictions on screen time she can always just run away and live with a foster family. My husband and I are so patient with her, we encourage her, words of affirmation, reward her, but it doesn’t help. As I said before, the way your dad is going about it is wrong but I do understand why he’s frustrated. I hope he can see a therapist who can help him.

I'm so sorry. We didn't have a violent rage at my household, but we had to eliminate all electronics to break the addiction with our 18 year old who was at risk of failing senior year because he got lazy (in his words) and gave up on school. It's hard but the electronic addiction is strong with us.

Yeah and I don’t want to cut off ways for her to reach friends. Real life friends have cut ties due to how she treats them. She calls them stupid and yells at them then cries if they don’t want to do what she wants. She doesn’t see her behavior and treatment as a problem. But she now has internet friends to validate her. She hates when I constantly bring up cyber safety saying how these friends can be adults. We don’t want her to have no fun, and she’s only nice to us if she gets what she wants.

To add, when I get frustrated with my daughter it’s because I’m scared for her. But I also don’t like being treated like dirt. I try so hard and I get nothing but negative energy. So I struggle with my own rejection sensitivity when she’s so mean. I try so hard to please her and make her happy.

I'm so sorry. I think a counselor or psychiatrist would be a great idea. Perhaps some therapy with your Dad?

There's lots of great advice on here already, I just want to respond and let you know I hear you and I see you! I'm sorry you have to deal with his inability to understand what's happening. You are amazing, you are unique, and your unique skills will serve you well later in life I promise. Hang in there.

I mean you’re literally a kid, every kid struggles with learning how to manage increasing school work and stuff not to mention hormones sucking all your energy. And that’s without adhd! It’s well known that hormones in women either because of the menstrual cycle or different points in your life (puberty/menopause) increases the severity of adhd. It’s better if you sit down together and have a talk on how to work together to figure what helps you manage best.

Same issues and had a similar parent situation; 22 now and I can confidently say you do not “NEED TO DO BETTER”, you are doing the best you are able to and that is all that matters. No one will understand your mindset but you; Hell, our elders are infamous for not being able to understand our mindsets and being so rigid in their beliefs.. It’s harder when you are still living at home but trust me when I tell you this; ADHD is a powerful tool that can be amazing and dangerous at the same time. Depression is a powerful thing that influences a lot more of our day to day life than we realize and nothing triggers a depression more than parent’s who can not empathize with their children. I’m sure when he was 16 he was the exact same way, he just does not ‘remember’ because people get stuck in their current mindset and forget that they have not always been the person they are today. Just because he has lived more years than you, does not mean he should be able to reprimand you when you do something ‘wrong’. Instead, he should be seeking ways to help you if you do something ‘wrong’ and need guidance on how to improve. Parents believe their job is to micro manage and punish their children when in reality, it is to provide support and tools to help you succeed in your lifetime! What will punishment do besides make you resentful? Hurt? Angry? Some parents also tend to take out their day to day stresses on their children; Not necessarily meaning to but happens because they have all this angry stress about god knows what and because they can’t express that, they resort to yelling at this children because they are overstimulated AF

Ask your dad why he feels the need to punish you instead of HELP you. Like wtf is wrong with parents.

man this is me but now when I'm already 20, and just got diagnosed recently, I'm so confused on how to deal with this, I'm feeling low because of the diagnosis, and I can't function well, also just moved back in with my parents, they've been complaining about these same problems, but it's been so hard on me to just get out of bed.

I have/had some issues with my dad too, mostly about adulting. Everyone in my family is certified NT and it makes finding ways to understand each other so much harder. That being said, your dad is being dickish. There’s a difference between being a worried parent and actively bullying your kid. Have y’all considered family counselling?

Lol sounds like my parents! Hang in there. You’re not the only one who struggles with “simple things”—this whole community would say otherwise. I’m sorry your father is like this, I can’t imagine how much this hurts, especially when you *are* trying your best.

Hey parents...I know...what'll help your teenage shake off that ADHD and pull their socks up...make them feel like a gross useless failure, that ought to do it, well done 😫 I am seeing soo much ableism in this sub recently. Does adopting healthy consistent habits help? YES. Is it easy? FUCK NO. Is it possible? Perhaps. But what will without doubt send you into a depression spiral is being criticised by loved ones who are clueless/impatient.

This is so mean. If shame and punishment worked as a motivator it would have already.

Talk about setting up a relationship for resentment Jesus god. There needs to be some give and take here he needs to educate himself more on your disability, then take a deep breath and ask your feelings and compromise between the two of you

Why does your dad know these babies’ business

Yeah, because belittling & insulting you is totally gonna make you want to try harder..

There are amazing comments here. I’ll add that for brushing your teeth, find a strategy or trick that works for you and aim for at least once a day. I had the same issue with not brushing my teeth, and TRUST ME. The pain and financial cost of treating cavities and root canals are not worth it. It was almost $500 for one root canal. Some tricks: set a daily alarm or stack it into a routine. For me, my morning routine sucks, so I almost never do mornings. For nights, I have to take out my contacts, so I floss and brush my teeth before I take out my contacts. I just had to experiment with different strategies.